Original subtitles

[TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT]

RYAN: That was a long wedding.

EDDIE: At least you could drink.

Ohh...

Ubers keep canceling on me, and it is fucking devastating.

Owen.

Your child is over there

licking what I think is a used needle.

Any thoughts?

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Oh...

Mercury! Do we need another tetanus jab?

Would anyone like a ginseng gummy? Hmm?

[RYAN GRUNTS]

It'll really help regulate your energy levels.

No.

I mean, I've also got echinacea...

- ...milk thistle, ginger chews. - Yeah.

Or I've got, um...

...like expired Femfresh wipes.

No? Fine.

I'm gonna go and queue...

TEARFULLY: ..for a black cab.

Hey...

If you're worried about vaginal odor,

I can send you a link to an amethyst suppository

my friend Wave sells.

I mean, it'll really help.

So, it's an amethyst suppository?

So, like... Like a stone... tampon?

So... Sorry. It does sound a bit medieval.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it does,

but it has helped a lot of women.

I actually did a series of videos

on the vagina-Earth connection.

Oh, OK. You're a film-maker?

No, no.

God! No, I don't even own a television.

No, I'm a light worker,

but I primarily produce content for social media.

I just found that that's the best way to reach people

and connect with souls all around the world.

TONI: Is that Eddie fucking Rushton?

- Oh, my God. Toni. - Hello!

And none for Gretchen Wieners?

Oh, my God. Buy one, get one! Mwah! Mwah!

Where the piss have you two been?

I've been hagless at Superstore for months.

Hi. I'm Whitney.

- Congratulations. - Sorry, Whit, this is Toni.

Toni Anne Guy,

drag queen to both the stars and the gutter.

How are you, babe?

I heard you got mercury poisoning.

Did you eat too much tuna?

Um, no, not mercury. L-Lithium poisoning.

You ate batteries?

So, what have you been up to?

Down the drag mines, as ever.

I actually had this last-minute gig come in for tonight.

I'd usually tell them to fuck off,

but you don't say no to Barbie and Skipper, do you?

Wait, wait, what did you just say?

Barbie and Skipper?

- Oh, my... - Oh, my God!

A secret show at Peg. It's gonna be epic.

Barbie and Skipper, like the dolls?

They're drag queens, but, like, so much more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they've got a podcast and books.

And a YouTube series that we watched on repeat.

- Still do. - Yes, I still do.

I always said if they ever came to London,

but they never have, because Skipper...

BOTH: ..hates the accent!

- Oh, my God! - Get us tickets, please.

Babe, do you have any idea how many fit men

I have in my DMs right now asking me the same thing?

No offence, but I'm not going to pick the straight girls.

- Straight-ish. - Come on, Toni,

we'll do anything. I never made you settle your Wet Mouth tab.

Hmm...

OK, look, I need this wig

my friend Cher's been styling for me,

but she's being a bitch and refusing to give me it.

- We can get your wig. - Yeah.

We can?

Oh, God. Sorry.

I just totally disrupted your flow.

God, what a loser.

No. I'm sorry. We're, um...

We're being a bit... It's just...

This is kind of a dream of mine.

An old dream, but...

We have to honour old dreams to make space for new ones.

That's beautiful, that.

I know we had other plans today,

and I was going to start looking for a job...

Now, listen, the only plan that matters

is the universe's.

- Send us the address. - TONI: All right.

Watch out, though. Cher can be... how you say...

...a cunt.

Mwah. Mwah. I'll need it by eight.

If you're not there, I'll fist your dad.

Good luck with ours. You'll have to un-cremate them first.

- Oh, is... is... is your dad...? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Oh.

He passed when I was 12.

It's actually how we first connected.

Aw, that's so... lovely.

MAGGIE: Are you sure we can't just get the Tube?

EDDIE: This place is in zone ten.

- I didn't know that existed. - Uber, then?

You said it'll be 80 quid. That's mad.

Will keeps a spare car key in this stupid key safe he has.

We don't even need to knock on the door.

You don't wanna give him a heads-up?

Just in case he thinks it's been stolen.

Like stolen by a stranger rather than a close friend?

- He won't care. - Oh.

So...

You are a light worker?

I am.

Which is what? Sorry, I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

It basically means that I have been put on this Earth

to spread light and eradicate darkness.

Oh, wow. OK. Yeah.

Like Batman?

- No. - No.

He's changed the code.

Shit. I thought this was a slam dunk.

OK, uh, well,

this is how Patrick Swayze does it in Dirty Dancing.

So we're just gonna get this here. Yes.

Oh.

I'm OK. It's just a little fall.

Wait... Oh. OK.

Right...

[GRUNTS]

Um, just, like, shield your eyes and I'll...

- What are you doing? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Violence is never the answer, Maggie.

No, it's not violence if it's against a car, is it?

It's just like...

[ALARM BEEPS REPEATEDLY]

Oh, I didn't even smash anything!

Excuse me. I'm afraid I have a weap...

[ALARM CONTINUES]

I would love it if that could stop!

Oh...

Sorry.

[ALARM STOPS]

You're...

You're back.

Only just. Yesterday, actually.

But I've been e-mailing you for a year.

No, I'm off grid, out of the matrix.

- You don't have a phone? - No.

Oh. That's very, um, Amish chic of you.

It's not Amish to disengage

from something that's literally killing people.

Phones are killing people?

They're worse for you than smoking.

Hi. I'm Whitney.

And you... must be Will.

Sorry, just back to the phone thing again.

You have a phone?

To serve my higher purpose

of spreading light via social media.

Otherwise, you know, I would throw this thing in the ocean,

trust me.

Sorry, were you breaking into my car?

Could we borrow it? Just for the afternoon?

Of course. Yeah, sure.

I'd love it if we could talk.

Maybe when you bring back the car?

[TIRES SCREECH]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

So we all hate Will now, then?

I don't hate anybody. Hate is a poison.

The friction between the old and the new

can often feel uncomfortable.

Well, then, maybe the new should smooth itself out a bit.

- Delivery or Jehovah's? - What?

Cos I've already had two Jehovah's up here this week,

and I'm not being funny or nothing,

but I don't think I'm for you.

No, no, we're a friend of Toni's.

Toni Anne Guy? We came here to get her wig.

Maybe she's coming down?

Uh, Cher, sorry, we're actually in a bit of a hurry,

so if you could just...

If you think you can intimidate me, you're fucking wrong.

I've got a Taser in here

that my cousin 3D-printed,

and I know how to use it!

Stop throwing hairpins and just give us the wig.

Did Toni tell you she's been shagging my stepdad?

She's tore my family apart.

Me mother's had to go inpatient.

That's almost impossible to defend.

Maybe if I try and talk to her one on one?

Or I'd be happy to try.

Um, no offense, Whitney, but I think you might be

a bit too American for someone like Cher.

Whitney should go. She's always so calm in the face of chaos.

OK, well, she'll probably throw a hairdryer at you, but...

Cher? My name's Whitney, and I'm a light worker

specialising in interpersonal relationships.

May I come in?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

[EDDIE LAUGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

So, you were saying earlier you were looking for a job.

What about your Wet Mouth money?

I can't live off that for ever.

Besides, I need to save that for...

I need to save that money.

Is Whitney looking for a job

or does she make money off TikTok or...?

- I knew you'd hate her. - No, I just...

Look, I know she's kooky and different to you,

and she might use words that you think are stupid,

but Whitney has helped me so much.

When we met, I, uh...

I was in a really dark place.

I was sat on a beach in Malibu and I...

I'm lucky to have found her.

We've basically spent every day together since.

Well, then, I'm excited to get to know her better.

All done. She's boxing up the wig for us.

Oh, amazing.

So once we're back at the apartment,

I just need to start the sageing process straight away.

Thanks, Cher. And sorry about your mum.

Whitney's right. I need to let it go.

Wow. Whitney, you are just so impressive.

Personally, if Toni had called me a cunt,

I would struggle to get past that.

But with the power of light, I guess anything is possible.

What?

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry. Did Whitney not say.

Why would I?

That stepdad-shagging rat had the gumption to call me a cunt?

Cher, remember the grounding exercise I taught you?

Oh, no.

- No, we don't need to be... - Oh...

Oh, no...

Cher, please, that's not hygienic.

No, no. OK, put the lighter down. Cher...

[ALL GASP]

- No! - Oh, God.

CHER: Have some of that.

Oh...

Crazy...

I'm so sorry, you guys.

I just assumed Whitney had told Cher had the full truth, so...

- I'm such an idiot. - So no Barbie and Skipper?

Oh, no. I'll get us in.

How? Those tickets are like gold dust.

It's Prince at the Roundhouse all over again.

Yeah, I've... I've many options, but, um,

first, I should probably just call my agent.

Vanessa? Are you still with her?

Oh, right. Yeah. After that dinner party.

Yeah. Eddie told me all about it.

Yeah. No, things are great.

Actually my new play has been shortlisted for an award, so...

Really? Like, a big one?

Yeah, like the biggest, actually,

I've never even been longlisted before, so...

- Congratulations. - Thanks.

I'll just...

[LINE RINGS]

Hello. Maggie.

I'm sorry, but this graveyard has terrible reception.

Vanessa, Hi. Um, I'm just wondering

if you could help me out.

I'm trying to get tickets to this thing tonight.

- OK. - Yeah, um, it's a drag show,

and, um...

I don't know if you know anyone who works in that area or...

Sorry, Maggie, I couldn't hear you.

There are people nearby grieving loudly.

Did you say a drag show? Like a gay thing?

Yes. Very gay.

Rupert could probably help.

- Rupert? - Rupert Everett.

He's an old friend. He'll be at the Manderley Club from six,

if you wanna go and ask him. He doesn't take calls.

Yeah, yeah, I know... I know it well.

I'd come with you, but Hilary Mantel snuck a clause

into her contract that I had to polish her gravestone

once a month after her death.

I'll send you the address.

Oh, thank you so much, Vanessa.

Done and done.

We just need to go and schmooze Rupert Everett

and we'll be all gravy.

Rupert Everett? Cool.

- That is cool. - We can go get changed at mine

and then head over to the Manderley Club.

Oh. We actually should go back to our apartment

because we kind of need to get settled and,

- like, freshen up. - That's true.

But we could meet you at this Peg place later.

Right, Maggie?

You don't need us, do you?

Of course.

I'll handle Rupert.

Oh, sorry.

? Guess who back in the house

? Heels click-clackin' about

? Five, fresh, feminine Style to eleven

? I'm divine, so heavenly Gentleman sweatin'

? It's dimes across the board, no doubt

? Body like wow! Pussy bouta end this trial

? Titties so plentiful Fishy queen jezebel

? Should be criminal

? Don't make sense for a bitch to be this endowed... ?

Ah. Hi.

Uh, I'm, um... I'm Maggie Donovan.

? Now get your camera phone Cos in a minute

? I'm about to be on

? Here come that girl Oh, shit, what up?

? Give her twelve That's the bread and butter

? Plenty flush She's the big shot caller

? Get-Get run over Over! ?

Oh. I'm OK. Thanks.

I am all set.

Oh, that'll be Maggie. Thank goodness you're here.

- Oh, here I am. - Darling, they've arrived.

Ah...

You must be Maggie.

Hi! You know,

when Vanessa said she was sending you over,

I thought, "Finally!

"Somebody cares about me."

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Ooh!

Now, ahem, you're a little bit, uh...

...little, though.

I'll need to get the French maid's uniform altered.

Don't start with that.

Oh, exsqueeze me, darling,

for trying to inject some glamor into the proceedings.

Darling, behave. This is your third assistant

- this month, right? - No, no. Sorry. No, no.

I'm... I'm actually a playwright.

Oh, yes, darling, that's what they all say.

The last one didn't like the costume either.

You know, you just can't get the staff.

No, no, seriously. No, I'm just here to see

if you can help me to get tickets for this thing tonight.

You know, it's a teensy little bit early

to be asking for favours, darling,

but I admire your spunk.

Oh, come on, let's go and get a martini.

Yeah, I'm not a bad boss, Mandy,

despite what the various court filings may say.

I'm simply a world-renowned actor

with a taste for the finer things in life.

Is that a crime?

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Now, I do ask that my silk items

be handwashed by you in front of me.

I love to watch.

Look, I am not actually your... average assistant.

No, I'm so much more.

[GASPS]

You're a perineal masseuse?

Sure, um, but I also am just really on top of your schedule.

In fact, you happen to have an appearance at Peg tonight,

- so we better get going. - An appearance at Peg?

What's Peg?

Oh, it's a really cool gay club.

You will be introducing two drag queens at their show.

Why the tit would I be doing that?

I don't do appearances.

I'm Rupert fucking Everett, darling.

The fee...

WHISPERS: ..is astronomical.

Oh.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Why didn't you say so before?

Oh... Oh!

He's fine.

Very good. Uppsie!

[MUSIC POUNDS]

[EXCITED CHATTER]

OK...

[RUPERT LAUGHS]

What light through yonder window breaks?

Yes, Romeo. Let's go.

- Oh... - We are here.

- Oh, my God! Bitch! - Oh, hi.

[RUPERT GROWLS]

- Hey. - Wonderful.

Is this your dealer? Darling, do you have any Adderall?

[MAGGIE LAUGHS]

He's kidding! He's kidding!

I think we should just head in.

Oh, my God, there you are. Cutting it a bit fine, babes.

Where's the wig?

- Well, hello... - Hello!

Sorry, Toni, Cher wouldn't give it to us.

She was just being very difficult.

That little bitch.

I am sorry. I have to escort Rupert inside.

He can't be out here with the crowds.

That fucking neck of you, Cher Fryer.

- Shouldn't we...? - It'll be fine. Hi.

We just have a VIP with us if we could just...

- Name? - So we are not on the list,

but I just know that Barbie and Skipper would want

a gay icon of this caliber in the audience.

Will somebody please give me a fucking upper?

- Are you joking? - It really is him.

But, please, just, like, be cool.

What have I told you about coming back here?

Daddy needs his uppies.

Oh, get him out of here before I call the police.

Police? No. I think you are mistaken.

This man's been terrorising us for years.

He's the reason that Stabber's got complex PTSD.

You're in violation of about ten restraining orders,

you utter fuckhead!

Code Dahmer, I repeat, Code Dahmer at the front door.

- Code Dahmer? - Oh, my God.

You set my fucking wig on fire.

Yeah. And I'd do it again,

because no-one calls Cher Fryer a cunt and gets away with it!

Why did you tell her that, you bellend?!

This is why everybody hates straight people.

Straight-ish.

- She's not coming in. - No shit.

Fuck off, babes, and stay fucked off.

Ryan? Oh, my God.

Ryan. Oh, my God, you have to help us get in. We were...

We are too old for this, Maggie.

Today was insane,

but this is not who I am any more, I promise.

I have changed, you will see. I...I will show you.

I think I can help.

What?

Well, I didn't want to say anything,

but I thought, you know, maybe we'd need a plan C.

So I reached out to my online community,

and the universe provided me

with a DM from a guy whose mom owns this whole club.

Look, there is no way.

That is some weirdo in his basement looking for attention.

- No, I think that's him now. - Eddie!

Eddie!

Eddie!

Oh... You!

You... Oh...

It's really you.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

I mean, not physically, but on Instagram.

Oh, my God, this is fate.

Wait.

You know each other?

I saw something like this in your soul contract,

remember?

A cherished old friend would return to your life.

Yeah, I had no idea it would be Krent.

Listen, can you start Monday?

- What? - Oh, my God.

Look at me, getting ahead of myself.

I'm just so excited about this good luck.

- It's pre-ordained. - It is!

It is. I love that.

I love you. Oh, sorry. We just did a bump.

Anyway, Mummy just bought Walthamstow

and gave me a building,

so I'm opening a bar, and you get to manage it.

Eddie!

Oh, my goddess!

Sorry.

Finding Eddie a job was our next step.

Oh, amazing. Let's go inside and talk business.

Eddie, this is such a blessing from the universe.

No.

- OK. - OK?

- Yeah, sure. - I knew you'd say yes.

OK. Come with me. Oh... Hey, guys, this is Eddie,

my working-class friend.

Come on, come on. You too, Mags.

[MUSIC POUNDS]

Hello?

- Hey, Maggie. Sorry. It's... - This isn't Will, is it?

- I blocked you years ago. - Oh, well, I got a new number.

Look, don't hang up. It's about Whitney.

- What about her? - Eddie sent me a few texts

when she first got to LA and then went completely AWOL.

Not a peep since then. And now she reappears

with this spiritual guru-slash-influencer.

Something feels off.

OK, well, you're a nerd.

Do some research, dig up some dirt or something.

I can do that.

Piss off, princess, we're having a party.

[GLASS SMASHES]

Hmm. Suit yourself, sulky tits.

[GLASS SMASHES]

[RUPERT GUFFAWS]

Here we go!

? When you're alone and you cannot stop

? Under control with the lights off

? Hold me close You're not electrical

? Can you feel the music on your skin?

? Are you getting lost in the static? ?

Set your body free.

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