Original subtitles

Mysterious.

Ooh.

Where are you taking me?

[alarm chirps]

Nice try!

Didn't you check the license plate?

I'm sorry, I was busy sourcing a hundred yards of dog leashes.

What happened to my car?

Run!

♪ [vocalizing]

[Emily on radio] Attention all trucks.

You are never gonna guess

what I'm about to tell you.

Oh, my God, are we merging precincts again?

No, guys, there is a new movie coming out about animal control,

and the star really wants to play the role accurately.

So, he's coming here today to shadow one of you!

Oh, yeah? What washed-up box office poison

canceled wannabe wants to grace us with his--

It's Bradley Boyd.

B-Bradley Boyd?

The action star of the Defuser franchise?

The only thing he can't defuse...

[both] Is himself!

Is himself, yeah.

Because he's a live wire.

See, it works on two levels.

-No, I get it. I get it. -But second--

He's gonna shadow me, I claim it, and I will fight

anyone on this, especially Templeton.

Hey, Emily, any, uh,

other big announcements you wanna make today

over the radio?

I don't know, I think having a movie star

at the office is pretty neato mosquito.

Americans are so obsessed with celebrities.

Nobody bothers famous people in New Zealand.

That's 'cause you don't have any.

Yeah, we do, and when I see Brian Sergent

at the fish and chip shop, I leave him alone.

Hello!

He played Trevor the Rat in Meet the Feebles.

Totally... Totally, totally. Um...

Hey, Templeton, can I see you in my office for a second?

Uh, actually, anything you have to say to me,

you can say loudly to all.

Okay, well, your prescriptions are at Bettany's desk,

but I'd prefer if you stop forwarding them to the office.

-No, no. - They get mixed in

-with the dog meds, and... -Stop talking.

all of the dogs are aroused.

Copy.

Oh! Hi.

[singing] Waffle time. Waffle time.

Hey, do you know why Templeton's so pouty today?

I-I checked, and no swimsuit models from the 80s

recently passed, so...

I think he was hoping you would say something

about his birthday.

It's his birthday? Today?

Why didn't someone say something?

Well, Daisy would've, but she's on her Beatlemania cruise.

She keeps sending me pictures of herself

in the octopus's garden.

It's really just a swimming pool.

Oh, man. I have to make it up to him.

I'm supposed to pretend to love everyone the same.

Like a stepmom with three new kids.

You got it, stepmom.

11:00 AM waffles.

Oh, I miss those.

Used to be my thing. [chuckles]

I don't know if you noticed or not, but I've been, uh,

trying to tighten the cage.

Oh. Yeah, man. That thing is padlocked.

Got this family reunion coming up.

-Uh-huh. -Going on a ten-day

juice cleanse to kind of get across the finish line.

So, it's ten days.

Just juice. No solids.

Maybe the occasional nut milk.

You know I love a challenge.

If you want somebody to paddle down

the Juice River with you, I'm there.

No, I don't think you understand.

See, I had to mentally prepare for this thing for weeks.

It would just break you.

Dude, I was nearly an Olympic athlete.

I bet I'd last longer than you.

You throwin' down the gauntlet?

Oh, I think it's been thrown.

My middle name is self-control.

It's on.

Yeah, it is.

But not for money because Maya gets upset.

Oh, for God's sake. He's an actor, not the Pope.

He disarmed the Pope in

Defuser 4: White Smoke/Black Smoke.

He's here!

Bradley Boyd is here.

Damn it! That's mine.

You can't own a pose. It's public domain.

Hey! High five.

Alright.

Um, everyone, I'd like

to introduce you to Mr. Bradley Boyd.

[applause]

It is an honor.

Hi. Frank Shaw. Former detective.

I don't typically gush, but, uh...

I like your movies.

Frank is one of our most capable officers,

and he'll be showing you around today.

Now, my knowledge of animals is limited.

Even though I did defuse an exploding python

in a TikTok promo.

I know you're used to a lot of action, but...

get ready to see some crazy stuff.

I'm talkin' apex predators.

You.

I love your energy, baby.

Straight guys are so gay.

[Templeton grunting]

Oh.

Sorry, you caught me on groin day.

If you're gonna gawk, at least throw me a tip.

So, I just came to say, um, happy birthday, Templeton!

Uh, sorry I didn't give you a shout out

this morning, but we made you a card.

-On copy paper. -Yeah.

With one signature.

From all of us?

This card wasn't passed around.

This card has zero passage.

Oh, okay.

It's a little harsh, but... you are right.

You deserve more.

You know, at the two-three, we used to write and perform

poems for birthdays. Odes, epics.

Typical two-two behavior to half-ass

my special day on purpose.

No, no, no, it wasn't on purpose.

Can you please let me make it up to you?

Okay, show up to the multi-purpose room tonight

for my dip party.

Uh, like... like dipping tobacco?

Gross. No.

Sharing dips with my closest friends.

Bean. Spinach artichoke.

Snickerdoodle hummus dessert.

Yum. And I will be there.

I'll-I'll bring guacamole.

Yawn.

Don't forget to bring lots of neutral crackers.

I can do that.

Love your workout.

Sorry the gerbil call took so long.

I mean, we do have to weigh them, though.

It's protocol.

Yeah, well, I apologize for being so skittish.

Gotta bring that up with my Chakra guy.

Could be a blockage.

You know, I rescued 24 animals in 24 hours.

How would I know that?

[Victoria] Watch out!

Future handbag comin' through. I'm kidding.

Yeah, I had to wrestle this guy off

an unlicensed street performer.

Pike Place got quite the show.

How did you get the call?

I usually handle the bitey stuff.

Because it wasn't a call, I just saw it

and I took initiative.

Oh, you know what, my trainer says initiative

is the first step to doing something.

Yeah. Do you want me to take his math tape off

so you can get a pic with your head in there?

Yes, I would love that.

[Patel] Ooh.

Sittin' down already?

Just a little double vision, but other than that,

it's all good.

Mmm.

Yeah, your body's detoxing from all the sugar

you had at breakfast.

[scoffs] Whatever.

It's called hyper slough.

Pretty common for the ill-prepared.

Ungh.

Dead man wobbling.

Hey.

My dad's a dead man. You take that back.

I said what I said.

I shouldn't have had so many fudgesicles last night.

Hey, I need your help.

Clear the annex kennel and your conscience.

Okay.

I am a weak but willing partner.

Can I bring my juice?

Is that a painting of you?

Oh, it's my grandpa.

He was painted when weight equated to great wealth.

[growls]

Feral dog on the loose!

He's out for blood!

-Ahh! -Careful.

[howls]

It's a dangerous animal.

Thankfully...

so am I.

[intense music plays]

[Boyd] He's shooting dog treats. That's bad ass.

Whoa.

[Shred] She's eating!

Frank.

Yo.

Consider the situation defused.

[Boyd] What?!

Frank, that was epic!

Give me a glimpse into your insides.

What are the feels like in that moment?

Ehh, does the wind feel?

I mean, it just is, right?

Damn it, that's beautiful.

I wish we could go deeper, but I have to get to set.

You know what?

You should come with me.

I have to work, but I can quit.

You ever ride in the back of a Kia Soul?

I'm just messing. It's a Lambo.

-With the butterfly doors? -Hell yeah.

I mean, yeah, we can take yours.

All right, let's go.

♪

Frank! Free. It's all free.

What are you doing here? It's guest of talent only.

Yeah, the Bombinator invited me after I bagged that caiman.

Oh, he was just being nice.

You should probably go before you embarrass yourself.

No, he sent a car, and there was a driver

standing with an iPad that said Victoria.

Don't be jealous.

[bell ringing]

Alright, let's get it quiet on set.

[crunches loudly]

[Director] ... quiet on set.

Are you still hungry? 'Cause I can bring you

a pail of corn nuts.

Oh, hey, Natty, baby.

-You hear me? -Yeah.

Uh, I'm gonna try something on this one, alright?

Stay on your toes.

You got it, Bradley Boyd!

Action!

Thank you.

Oh...

When you said this was single source,

was that source the garbage?

[laughs]

He kinda sounds like you.

I mean, can't a hero...

get a decent cup of joe?

I captured 24 animals in 24 hours.

Oh, yeah. That's definitely you.

Oh, this movie's gonna be even better than I thought.

[can cracks open]

Oh, damn it.

[Mexican style music plays]

What is this?

Shred Taylor arranged this.

And made sure that we had extra al pastor.

That's my favorite!

[on radio] Patel to Shred. Go to hell!

Go straight to hell!

Who's weak now? Bitch!

Sorry. Sorry, I'm hungry. Sorry.

You know, you were supposed to help me, not sabotage me

with juicy spinning meats and oh, my God,

is that a horchata bar?

Well, you stepped to me with the competition.

I'm gonna step right back, brother.

Till we're stepping all over each other's

toes and stuff.

Quesadillas are seconds away!

I'm gonna go lock myself in the kennel,

and I hope the smell of urine is overwhelming.

[car honking]

I'm on a cleanse!

Hey, uh, great stuff out there.

Um, you know, uh, Victoria said something funny.

She said you were doing an impression of me?

Keen eye, that one.

But I need to work on your mannerisms.

Oh. Well, um, I'm known for my posture.

I'm six-three, but, uh, I read six-six.

Uh, I...

cross my arms a lot, both to

judge people and keep myself warm.

What else? Um...

Your knitted brow indicates both intelligence

and a cynical skepticism towards the world.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

[both mm-hmm back and forth]

Mm-hmm?

[singing] The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat.

[singing] The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible boy!

I always wondered what it was like to hang out with me.

-This is great. -This has been so helpful.

I've been trying to put my finger on the essence

of this character and I finally have it.

He's a dick.

Well, I don't know if I'd call him that.

I mean...

he probably gardens and reads literature.

Maybe a proud cat dad.

Okay, I like this.

He uses his sarcasm to protect himself.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's what he does.

Hey, um...

I'm full. Let's go.

Oh, so you're ready to go?

You sure you don't wanna

crunch your way through the next scene, too?

Well, I had to do something. Your scene was so boring.

[Frank] Probably went over your head.

I assume you spent your school years under the bleachers.

I would be offended if that wasn't entirely true.

[bell rings]

Uh, in high school, my principal allowed me

to call him by his first name.

Geoffrey.

I have a movie-related question.

How do you smash a glass bottle over someone's head

without them bleeding out?

Oh, he can't tell you that.

It's one of the many secrets of the silver screen.

We use sugar glass.

Huh.

You fascinate me.

I'm gonna see if props will send you over a six-pack.

Wait... is he into you? Wait, are you into him?

No. He's a stupid celebrity.

I just like being here because it's not work.

Uh, you're in my chair. Move.

Also, am I a dick?

Yeah, massive. Sh!

I don't know why you only wear this on laundry day.

I mean, this is peak Emily.

I look like I went swimming in a lost and found.

Wait, you have to throw away ketchup, too?

It's all a temptation.

Alright, you are this close to turning into

a cartoon turkey leg.

-Really? -Yeah.

[notification alert]

Oh, no! No!

Oh, I totally forgot about Templeton's dip party thing.

I'm gonna be late-late and not ten minutes early late.

But we still have to get through all the salsas.

Oh, yeah. I need that, actually.

-Okay, bye. -Bye!

Hmm.

Not a great turnout.

Hey, what are you doing?

Don't get your hair in there. You don't have a hairnet on.

[Templeton] Disgusting.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry I'm late.

There was, um, traffic. There was, there was cars and--

-Save it, save it. -Oh.

Okay, you already missed the toast and the roast

and the birthday spankings.

Not to mention you're dressed like a common subway flasher.

Okay, a flasher would never wear as big of underwear

as I have on right now, so...

You know, you say you want this happy merger of the precincts.

Yet you don't even show up

for one of your key officer's special days.

And where are the two-two losers, where are they?

Oh. Oh, I know. You probably didn't invite them.

Well, I didn't realize I was supposed to.

You don't realize much, do you?

Like your plummeting approval ratings.

-What? -Yeah.

I did a Survey Monkey.

Okay, let me guess.

These people are the only ones who filled it out?

These people... do you see what I'm shielding you from?

She's like this all the time.

I'm-I'm just using plural pronouns.

Don't agitate them.

You're right. I shouldn't make this about them,

'cause it's about me.

And you don't like me, and that's why you dissed me

on my special day.

And not for nothing,

but you're not pulling off those basketball shorts.

Yes, I am.

You don't know fashion, okay?

I-I am pulling them off.

You know what, Templeton?

You're right. I-I don't like you.

And why would I?

You're crude, you're disrespectful,

and you've said from day one that you're coming for my job.

So, I did not forget your birthday on purpose.

But maybe there was some kinda subconscious thing going on

'cause most of the time, you act like such a D-I-C...

Oh, you can't say the K.

[whispers] K... -[crowd gasps]

I'm sorry, team, for swearing. I'm just gonna go, but...

I'm taking this with me.

And I made you a really nice salsa, a pico de gallo.

So.

Pico de bye-o.

[bell rings]

Director said you wanted to speak with me?

Specifically not Victoria. What's up?

I'm supposed to release this rehabilitated eagle, right?

But he just stands on my arm. There's no spark.

And, I mean, we supposedly, you know,

just saved a school bus together.

Well, chemistry is tricky. You can't fake it.

That's why 50 percent of all eagle marriages end in divorce.

Damn.

Well, let me know if you think of something, okay?

Oh, and by the way, uh, what's your vacation policy?

I mean, is a two-week trip to San Sebastián in the cards?

Well, uh, I, uh...

I mean, between vacation days, uh, sick days,

and inventing dead relatives, I can make any trip work.

Awesome.

You know, I'm thinking about flying Victoria over on the PJ

for the Tempranillo harvest.

[Victoria] Bradley.

Oop.

Uh, back to your earlier question.

Uh, look that eagle straight in the eye.

They respond very well to unbroken eye contact.

I can do that.

[Director] Okay, we're framed.

And...

Action.

[eagle chirping]

Looks like those kids are gonna get to recess after all.

[high-pitched whistle]

[screeches]

[Boyd screams]

-[Director] Cut! Cut! Cut! -[Boyd] My leg!

Why would he ever antagonize that bird on purpose?

Who knows? He's an actor.

I didn't put him in the hospital, the eagle did.

I mean, and the bird didn't even touch him.

He had an anxiety attack

and is now refusing to go back to work because you told him

to stare down a bird of prey.

Now the entire movie is on hold.

Seattle needs this, Frank.

This could be the next Sleepless.

Well, technically, You've Got Mail

was the next Sleepless.

Alright, I need you to go down to the hotel,

apologize to Bradley, and get him back to set.

No. He called me a dick.

Okay, well, the mayor's media liaison

is really breathing down my neck for this one,

so, now I'm breathing down yours.

Okay, but are we gonna address the slanderous

name he called me?

Well, one way to prove that you're not a--

[clears throat] is to hat-in-hand yourself down

to the presidential suite and just get this movie

back on track. Please.

Okay. Fine.

I'll run your little errand.

-Thank you. -And it's not my fault

that sardonic wit goes over all these morons' heads.

Okay. Yep. I heard it.

I'm officially over the hump.

I'm post-food.

I don't even need this "If the Cashew Fits".

Post-food?

-Really? -Y-Yeah.

Oh, great. So you wouldn't mind if I did this?

No, I wouldn't. No no no no no no!

Of course I mind!

Don't you know false bravado when you hear it?

You're really losing it, man.

So I guess you wouldn't mind if I did this?

Oh--

Of course I mind!

I didn't even bluff that I didn't!

I'm so hungry that I'm nauseous.

You know what makes me nauseous?

The way you prance around the office like you're

the world's most charming boy.

Well, you're a grumpy old man who always needs a nap.

Stop having kids if you hate 'em so much.

At least I can have kids.

That's right, I know all about your frozen rooster.

Perez Hilton was wrong about my rooster.

It works just fine!

Oh.

What are we-- we're insulting each other's penises.

I'm out.

You win.

I need trail mix.

No. Don't do that.

Don't do that. No!

I'm not gonna let you give up.

I can't do this. [sobs]

-Look at me. -I can't do it.

Yes, you can.

Because I can't either.

But together...

we can do anything.

Juice dawgs for life?

Juice dawgs for life.

God, our grip strength is so weak.

So, let me guess, your boss made you come here to apologize.

It's a good guess.

Just like in Defuser 4 when you had to guess

which wire to cut.

Wait, that was all those movies.

I just gotta ask Frankie. Why? Huh?

Why did you put me in danger like that?

I didn't like the inaccurate way you were portraying my industry.

You don't...

handcuff the animals and read them their rights.

Some of them don't understand English.

No, that's not it. See, I am in you now.

I am in your psyche.

Something else is motivating your vindictive choices.

No. Get out of my psyche. Stop it.

Huh? What is it, jealousy?

Greed?

[gasps]

Unrequited love?

Whoa! That bidet is crazy.

Oh. Hi.

You're here?

Oh.

Nice.

Little bang-hang.

Yeah, yeah, I-I feel that.

Anyway, um...

sorry about the bird.

Um, see you at work.

I'll put the Do Not Disturb sign up as I leave.

Okay.

Hey...

I just, uh, I wanted to apologize, uh, for last night.

Even though our relationship is--

-Terrible. -Yeah.

It's not great, but, I mean, that's partly my fault.

I should never have gotten personal with you last night.

I knew what I signed up for

when I agreed to work for a female.

I-I'm trying to apologize here.

I mean, it's not like you didn't say some things too, right?

It's kind of a two-way street.

I guess I can have some big feelings on my special day.

My mom, uh, didn't believe in celebrating birthdays,

Yet there was always a cake on Flag Day.

Well...

You know what, I promise to make better birthday memories

for you, starting right now.

Um. Attention everyone.

I would like to publicly acknowledge the belated birthday

of our very own Templeton Dudge.

Who we're so lucky to have.

And if you wouldn't mind following me

into the kitchen, I have a little surprise waiting.

[singing] Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Why are we stopping? Let's keep going.

Ha-- no!

What the heck, you guys?

I'm so sorry. We're so sorry.

Our-our grip strength was weak.

[mouthful] Look away! Don't look at us.

Really twisting the knife on my special day, boss.

Well, if that's how you wanna play it, game on.

No! No no no no no!

No, Templeton, this wasn't on purpose.

So sorry.

[Frank] Victoria.

You and Bradley.

So, you've fallen under the spell of a celebrity.

It's pretty American of you.

And I ate my body weight in peanut butter M&Ms.

Pretty American of me.

Well, I think that movie's gonna be a bust.

I mean, his impression of me is...

Right. You're right.

His impression of you was way off

because you were amazing last night.

It was hot.

Hey, Shred. I would've never eaten that cake

if it wasn't for you.

[gasps] Patel! No!

What are you doing?

That was my partner.

Now, who's gonna get me my coffee?

No!

[Emily] We are civilized people!

Please stop fighting!

No! Oh, my God, I'm calling 911.

Gotcha!

It's sugar glass from props department.

Uh-huh, then... then why is Frank bleeding?

[Victoria] Wait, wait. Frank, are you okay?

Whoa. Fake blood. Nice!

Nope. Uh, I think I bit into my tongue when I fell.

I gotta go to the hospital.

And this is why we don't play with movie props at the office.