Original subtitles

We just got hit by a

shitload of asteroids sir.

Ah, rear thrusters are out!

Turn the force field up to

one thousand percent.

This is gonna be close!

I just shit my space pants!

Put the wheels down

We're about to land on Mars!

I can't breathe

There's no air.

We were fools to come here.

Fools!

Remember your training men.

What's happening to me?

My eyes!

Gerold, no!

He just got married! Aww!

Now it's happening to me!

Our suits are malfunctioning!

Fight it!

Fight it Carl!

Noooo!

His wife just had a baby.

Why God?

Ho-ly shiiiiit!

Pretty terrible isn't it?

This is what it would have been like if we'd attempted

to travel to Mars only seven years ago.

That was a mercy kill.

Yep it's true.

Space travel was pretty grim stuff back when big

government was running the game.

But now that space exploration has been privatized,

soon space travel will be like this.

I was just playing future tennis on the holocourt.

When do we land?

We just did sir.

Ha! Hot damn, I didn't feel a thing.

Welcome to Mars. More space champagne?

We're taking applications now to be part of our

maiden voyage.

So blast off from your mundane world and spend

your life among the stars.

The voyage begins one month from now.

so send your applications today.

Okay little Davey.

I'm just gonna need you to open real big for me.

Don't need to scream.

No, no, this is just a mirror.

Okay just a sec.

This can't hurt you.

How's my future son-in-law doing?

I'm doing just great Dr. Simpson.

I got you something.

Open it!

Uh, well, I'm sort of in the middle of...

- Open it.

Oh-kay.

It's a VHS copy of the movie Son In Law .

Fitting huh?

Right, because I'm marrying your daugter, yes.

Pop it in real quick. I want to show you a scene.

Yeah I don't think we have a VCR here.

Oh God damnit!

Oh, okay, well uh there's this scene...

Where they're at a concert in this bar...

... and Pauly Shore is like...

"It's the weasel buuudy"

You know what? You know what? I'll watch it when I

get home tonight.

Ooh ooh, will you call me when you get to that scene?

Ah you know, I probably won't but we can talk about it

tomorrow when I get in. Okay?

Oh okay, yeah yeah yeah. We'll talk about it

in the morning when you get in.

You know maybe I should get back to him.

He's having a real tough time here.

'Course he is. Kids hate the dentist.

Everyone does actually.

Every single person we see this is the worst day

of their whole year.

That's why the suicide rates are so high for us.

Okay, uh, well if you're going to be doing that...

I think it's time for little Davey to go out and

see his mom. Okay we'll schedule a follow up buddy.

Here you go sport.

Have a sucker.

You know why I always give 'em a sucker?

Gets them addicted to sugar.

Rots their teeth.

Keeps them coming back.

We keep drilling their faces.

The more faces we drill...

The more money we get. >

I understand.

We take that money and we buy things with it.

Ah huh, I got that part.

The things we buy make us more attractive to women.

Naturally, sir.

If they're attracted to us...

then we can have sex with them.

Yeah you don't need to keep explaining. Um...

And when we have sex with them

we can achieve orgasm.

Ah, how far is this gonna go?

And when we orgasm...

our brains...

...release serontonin...

of well being.

Which helps with the whole suicide thing.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and

bring in the next patient.

Okay gang, next up is...

...Katie Sheldon.

I would suck a dick.

I would literally suck a mans dick to have your life.

- Okay thank you Cooter.

- Do you hear the words that I'm saying?

I'm telling you... Hey hey, look at me.

I'm telling you... I would blow a man...

...I would blow an adult man for your life.

Do you hear me? - Yeah I hear you Cooter.

My friend here is engaged to the hottest girl in town...

...and her old man is just giving him his dental

practice when he retires. I mean...

...hello. Who's dick did you suck in another life

to get dealt this hand? Because I want to meet this

dick and I want to suck it.

- Cooter trust me, my life is not that great.

- What are you talking about?

- You ever look at your life

...and you know exactly how it's going to go....

...all the way down?

- No.

- There are literally no important decisions

left for me.

I will get the dental practice...

...were I will drill

little kids faces until I am 65 years old.

I am going to marry Candace.

Those things are going to happen.

We will probably have two children...

...and we'll work every day to make our mortgage.

And we'll scrimp and save to put our kids

through college. And then once they're gone

we'll wonder where all the time went.

And then we'll live as strangers in the same house

until one of us dies

and the other teters off into dimentia.

I would suck your dick for that life.

I would literally suck your...

Dude!

Let me suck your dick.

- What? -I'm serious

Let's finish our drinks go into the bathroom

Turn our phones off and I will suck your dick.

- Alright Cooter you are drunk and you need to go.

-Why are you being like this?

- Cooter, I'm not gay.

What? Neither am I.

There's nothing gay about it.

Look I'm trying to do you a solid so you can be like...

...Oh, I guess my life is not so bad.

I got a hot fiance, I got my own business,

and my best friend is blowing me right now.

- Why are you so weird when you're drunk?

- That hurt my feilings.

I am going to the bathroom.

- Hey Cooter cool out!

- He is cut off.

- He's fine.

For the last three weeks, ordinary

people across the country

have been sending video submissions hoping to be

one of the lucky citizens chosen at random

to be among the first people to set foot on Mars.

And we have our first winner: Wimmy Tilliams.

A 34 year old father of five who teaches Sunday

school in Watertown, South Dakota.

- Wimmy you just got the big news.

How are you feeling today?

- I'm so excited to be going on an

honest to God adventure.

To take a journey where absolutely

anything can happen.

- Now Wimmy we ran some quick calculations...

...and not only will you be one of the first people

to ever set foot on Mars...

...you will also be the

fattest astronaut ever in space.

- Oh. Is that so?

- By quite a lot.

- Okay, well, I guess it won't really matter since

since in space, everyone is weightless.

- True, true.

But you'll still look fat.

- I'm sorry, is there a question here?

- Bartender? There's a guy in the bathroom

and he is way out of line.

Hey, I had to go to sleep. I'm so sorry

you had a hard day though.

Just make yourself a nice drink and relax.

We can talk about things in the morning.

Love Candace.

Ha!

I tricked you with the note.

We're not going to talk

about things in the morning.

We're going to talk about them now!

- Oh no!

Why did you say "oh no"?

- No no, no, don't cry, don't cry. I didn't mean "oh no"...

I just... I was surprised.

- I'm sorry. With the wedding coming up

I'm just under a lot of pressure.

- Yeah it's okay. It's okay.

- Do you... still love me?

- Of... yeah of course I still love you.

- Do you love me more than anyone in the world?

- Yes you know I do.

- If someone had a gun aimed at me...

and your mom and dad and you had to pick one person

to save... would you pick me?

- Of course I would yeah.

- If we had a baby and the gunman was either going to

shoot me or the baby. Who would you save?

- Candace I don't like doing these hypotheticals...

-Who would you save?

- Well... I would try and, and save both of you...

- No! If you had to pick one!

- I, I guess I would save...

...the baby, since it hadn't

really been able to live any of it's life yet?

Oh my god!

- No I meant you. I would save you.

- I would jump in front of the bullet so both you and

the baby could live.

- I didn't know that was an option.

Okay, next time I...

...jump in front of her and the baby. Okay.

Aw, fuck me.

Fucking stupid old VCR.

God damn RCA cords. Knots.

This piece of shit Pauly Shore movie. Fucking idiot.

Two more passengers have been selected for

billionaire Elron Branson's maiden Mars expedition.

The first name is Todd Sullivan.

Todd is a middle school math teacher from

Fredericksburg, Virginia.

Yeah I signed up for this Mars thing because my

job is working with little kids

and I don't know if you

worked with little kids but...

...they fucking suck.

- Mr. Todd, I fell down on the slide.

- Get the fuck outta here Jeremy.

I'm playing my game.

Anyway...

...as you can see with all this shit...

I was just like, "fuck Earth".

- Whoopsie, none of that was bleeped.

Sorry about that.

- The second contestant annouonced today

is Peggy Bork.

And what a story she has.

Four years ago in a sleepy

town in Missouri,

neighbors responded to a terrible smell

and found the decomposing bodies of

Harold and Margaret Bork.

Locked in their secret basement

was their 24 year old daughter Peggy.

Peggy had been shut off from the world since birth.

- For the last 4 years, Peggy has had to acclimate

to the real world.

Car!

No Peggy!

But now Peggy's world is

about to get even bigger.

I spent so much of life

trapped in the same place...

...that sometimes, I didn't even feel alive.

You and me both Peggy.

Every since I've been free...

... I'm determined to see everything this

planet has to offer.

That's why, I'm going to Mars!

- Fascinating story.

And I believe there's only one more seat

available for the Mars voyage.

- That's right, the raffle ends tomorrow at midnight

so get those submissions in people.

The spaceship blasts off July 12th.

My name is Kyle Capshaw...

...and I need to go to Mars.

This is it man...

your last night of freedom.

How do you feel?

- Why did you take me here?

- Candace said that we couldn't have your

bachelor party at a strip club.

But she didn't say we couldn't have it at a

male strip club. Ha ha.

- She said "stripclubs".

- What are you looking at your phone

so much for anyway?

What? What do you see guys like this everyday?

- They're about to announce the last passenger

for that Mars thing.

- Why do you care? It's not like you signed up for it.

- Yeah, no, no, no, no. I just um... you know.

I, I, I don't know.

You did! Wait you're getting married in three weeks.

How are you gonna go to Mars?

What are you thinking?

- I don't know!

- What would you just bail on the wedding?

- No.

- Dude Candace would fucking

kill you if she found out

you even applied to that.

She didn't even want you to go to female strip clubs

but we found a loop hole. Eh?

- Well this isn't really a loophole. I mean, we're still

technically disobeying her

It's just less enjoyable...

...for me.

- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, me too.

Look! The strippers are doing that

thing where they dip

their dicks in everbody's mouth for like a second.

Let me ask you. Do you think it's rude to not participate?

- Go knock yourself out Cooter.

Ah, what, what, what is that? >

- It's a hair scrunchie.

- Why? >

- So they can see your eyes.

Okay... >

This is the moment we've all been waiting for.

- Drum roll please.

- And the final passenger on the first

ever manned mission to planet Mars is...

- Please God, please God, please God come on.

- Marty Wagner!

heard the good news.

- I didn't sign up. My friend is

always playing jokes on me.

I thought I was signing a petition to get the trash

trucks to come on the weekends.

pretty good this time

'cause you're going to Mars!

- Oh, oh please don't make me go.

I, I'm horribly agoraphobic.

I can't even leave the house.

The idea of traveling down the street terrifies me.

You can't make me go to Mars.

- Nooooo!

- Some people are just born lucky I guess.

Can we borrow 50 dollars?

- What? No you can't borrow 50 doll...

Who are all these twinks?

- I met them in the dick line.

This one knows where we can get

crystal meth. You want in?

- No I'm not going to lend you 50 bucks

to do meth with twinks.

- That's okay. We know ways to get 50 dollars.

- You know what, I think I'm just gonna call it a night.

But, but thank you... for the bachelor party.

- Alright. Your loss man.

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

- Ah, ah! What's wrong? What happened?

- You're still asleep... on our wedding day!

- Did the alarm not go off? I mean I, I set it.

Candace it's only 7am.

I always dreamed that my future husband would be

so excited to marry me that he wouldn't even be

able to sleep the night before the wedding.

And you slept fine!

- I'm sorry I... slept okay.

- I'm going to take a shower. When I get up...

you better be dressed and ready to

take me over to the girls.

- Okay, yeah. Sorry again.

Okay, so... when it's our anniversary, don't sleep

the night before. Okay.

...incredible late

breaking announcement:

Marty Wagner, one of the last passengers chosen for the

maiden mission, committed suicide this morning.

- What?

- Now we have some very cool footage of the suicide

that we're about to show but we must warn you that

it is pretty graphic.

I don't want to do this.

I love my life. I have children.

But I just really can't handle

the idea of going to Mars.

Please don't make me go.

You have to!

- Noooo!

Oh my god!

- Ah, so cool. I could seriously...

I could watch stuff stuff like that all day.

Now since they only have hours

until takeoff this morning

the Mars Enterprises team held a random

drawing of local submissions only.

- Holy... Shit.

- And once again the winner chosen was

one Kyle Capshaw.

- Holy shit!

- Our news vans are on their way to Mr. Capshaw's house

as we speak to give him the good news.

- Holy shit!

of the shower.

- Kyle Capshaw! - Ah!

You've been selected to go to Mars. How do you feel?

- You have to leave.

you have to leave... to Mars.

- Listen to me. My fiance doesn't know that I entered

the contest. We're supposed to get married today.

Please do not put this on television.

she's going to be? 1 to 10?

Oh Candace!

You son of a bitch!

- Baby I'm sorry, the, the, the, the chair must've

fallen against the door. It was an accident.

It was?

- Totally yeah totally. Now baby? Precious lamb?

Uh, I need to ask you to do something very important.

- What?

- You know how I'm incredibly superstitious?

- No you're not!

- Yes I am, yes I am. And superstition dictates...

that we cannot see eachother on the day of the wedding.

- Then how are you supposed to drive me to Carol's house

to get my fucking makeup done?

They're getting away! Get 'em!

Are you driving crazy?

It feels like you're driving crazy.

- No, no, I'm driving perfectly normal.

Slow down asshole!

Thanks for joining us here at the Mars Enterprises

launch site. Behind me you can see the shuttle being

prepared for it's maiden voyage

which will commence in just a few short hours.

- Five lucky individuals

will be traveling to the red planet this evening.

- And the captain of the ship is non other than Mars

Sir Elron Branson.

Now, not many people know this but besides being

a billionaire philanthropist, Elron Branson is also a

former Air Force test pilot who will be looking after

the tourists and making sure they have a safe

and fun journey.

He's a pilot, and EMT, a gormet chef and

was voted People Magazine's sexiest man alive

three years in a row.

- And the final passenger on the Mars 1's maiden

voyage is...

Pediatric dentist

Kyle Capshaw.

- And they are all white.

Every single one of them.

- White as the pure driven snow.

Zero diversity among this crew.

- Huh, that's awkward.

Ah, just in time. We're here okay.

Carol's house.

You have to be dressed and at the

chapel by 12 o'clock. got that?

- Got it.

- Now give me a kiss.

- Muah.

Come on Cooter you better fucking pick up.

- Hello. Hello. Hey Kyle what's up, what's up?

What's going on man? What's up?

hell have you been for

- Oh just been really busy doing work.

Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.

- Well I got a huge problem man. The wedding is today.

- I know that. I know that man.

I'm on my way there right now.

Twinks, the wedding is today. Get your tuxes on.

- Cooter listen to me, I need your help okay.

I, I, I got accepted...

...into the Mars program.

Are you thinking about going? >

- I don't know. I haven't had a chance to think.

I've got Candace yelling at me. I've got

TV reporters following my every move.

- Are you on TV man? That's awesome!

- Cooter it's not awesome.

I don't know what to do.

I mean this Mars think I'd only be gone for like a

month and a half, but if I leave on the day of our

wedding without telling Candace...

whole relationship away.

Maybe I have cold feet about the wedding and this is

some sort of reaction to that. I, I don't know

what's going on with me.

- Dude, say no more. Sounds like you need some time

to figure this all out. I'm gonna drive down to that

launch pad and stall that fucking spaceship

for you dude.

Twinks, get the gun out of the trunk.

a spaceship. That's insane.

- Ah you're right, that's insane.

I can't stall a spaceship. They're made of metal.

All the meth in the world couldn't stall a spaceship.

I'll stall the wedding instead.

Heading to the church Kyle.

I've got you buddy.

Twinks, to the car!

Hello Sandy.

What do you think we should do?

Don't be like that.

I'm sorry that you have to live in the glove compartment.

She thinks I've thrown you out.

Boy I really could use your cool level head right now.

Huh, I've gotten us into a real mess.

this right?

Oh ya!

- We're getting a God damn pay raise!

- I mean, what, what...

What would you do?

Oh come on. We don't have time for that.

Besides, you said last time was the last time.

Make sure no one's looking.

didn't see us.

- Well, the coast is clear. But this is the last time.

Okay?

After today, I'm a married man.

Now tell me.

Thank you for

coming. Here's a VHS of "Father of the Bride".

Thank you for coming. Here's a VHS of

"Father of the Bride".

Cooter! How are you?

- Cool it mister S.

Everybody, listen up!

I have an announcement from the groom himself.

First of all, no TVs.

That's right.

- Awe Cooter, there's a scene I wanted to show everyone.

- Secondly, everyone hand in their cellphones.

Groom's orders. >

Kyle has prepared a big surprise for everyone. >

But it's on live television right now. So nobody

watch the news or check your phones in case

someone you know is watching the news.

- I saw the news this morning. They're looking

for Kyle because he's supposed to...

- Get the hell out of this wedding!

- Cooter explain what's happening right now.

- Shut the fuck... uuuuuup!

I don't know Sandy, I mean of course I want to go

to Mars. I, I want to have adventure in my life.

But I made a commitment to her.

Awe no, don't say that. She's a good person.

And who knows, maybe getting married will help

fix the relationship. I mean, the point is...

It would completely devestate her if I left her

at the alter. Isn't that what being a real man is?

Huh? Putting the feelings of others before yourself?

You know what?

I'm sorry Sandy but I think I've made a decision.

I'm getting married.

holy fuck are you?

- Don't worry honey I'm on my way.

isn't "here".

that door in seconds

I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.

- Actually...

You know what? I just, I just run into some pretty

bad traffic on I25.

- Fuck you pussy!

You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!

- Yeah and you're uh... yeah your'e breaking up.

It's, it's really hard to hear you right now.

I'm going to fucking Mars.

We are now going live to the arrival of

the final passenger.

- Mister Capshaw. >

Just in time. Follow me.

Now we're getting down to the wire here so I'm

gonna have to get you to sign and walk.

This first one is a release form for the cameras and

any promotional material we would use your likeness for.

- This one absolves our company from any liability

in case of spontaneous incineration.

- Incineration? Ah...

How often do these explode?

- We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.

- Right yeah okay. That makes sense.

This next one absolves our company from all liability

in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.

- Oh, does that happen a lot?

- Sometimes. People go space crazy.

- Geez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.

- And this last one absolves our company from any

liability in case one of the other passengers goes

space crazy and shoots you or something.

- Are there guns on the spaceship?

- You know I don't know the answer to that but I

would be happy to look into it for you.

- Oh thank you so much. That would be great.

- But I am going to need you to sign real quick.

- Oh sure, right.

Then Steve Martin

gets this little tear in his eye.

He's looking at his daughter but all he can see...

...is his little girl...

Oh God damnit Cooter, why can't we watch the television?

- Come on, you were doing good Mr. S.

Where is he?

- He's on TV. Nobody watch it.

Hey everybody, I found another TV in the banquet

room. We can just power this thing up and...

- Cooter crossing the line!

Oh my God he's bleeding!

Somebody call 911.

Cooter... this man is...

- Look everybody Kyle is on TV!

There he goes. Kyle Capshaw.

The last passenger onto the shuttle.

About to leave everyone on Earth... for Mars.

- What!?

Yeah he's not getting married at all today.

He's going to Mars!

Hello straggler. I'm Elron Branson. Welcome aboard.

Pick up, pick up. You better pick up.

- Ooh...burn.

approaching lift off.

- Ten...

- Nine...

- Eight...

- Seven...

- Six...

- Five...

- Four...

- One!

- Lift off!

Okay, artificial gravity has set in.

Listen up my fellow... astronauts.

First thing's first: When I call your name

come on up, get yourself a nametag and tell us

a little about yourself.

What you did on Earth and What you want to get

out of this trip.

Todd Sullivan. >

- My name is Todd. I think it's stupid that we all have

to stand up here and introduce ourselves,

and uh, fuck nametags.

- Oh okay, well we don't have to... wear them, I guess.

But I did stay up all night making everyone

individual drawings.

Oh-kay. Well I guess we can just... >

Eat cocktail shrimp and play deck games.

Okay Wimmy

did your serve make it over the net?

- Uh... yeah.

- Okay, Kyle... now you take a card.

Did you return his volly?

- It' says... yeah.

- Oh good. Okay, Wimmy take another card.

did you return the volley?

- It says I missed.

Oh match point!

Kyle, you get a reward card.

Now would you like surprise now or surprise later?

Ah...

I will take surprise later.

You know the commercials made Future Tennis

seem a lot more...

... future-y.

- And tennis-y.

- Did you make this game? Elron?

- Well if you guys aren't feeling it, we could play...

future badminton, future jai alai, or future darts.

- Ah, you know, I'm good. I'm gonna go mingle.

Hey Peggy right?

Yes!

- You know I don't want to be super negative right

out the gate but doesn't all of this seem a little less

cool than they made it out to be?

I mean... I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.

Oh... What did you sacrifice?

- Well I mean... I... uh...

I was actually supposed to get married today.

Wow!

- Yeah but I mean we all have families and friends back

on Earth that we just picked up and left for a month.

- Your friends will still be there for you

when you get back.

- Ah, I don't know about that.

- Sure they will! I just told my friends...

"Gang! I'll be back in a month."

And then I left them 20 bowls of food...

and I filled the bathtub with milk.

- What?

- For drinking!

- I'm gonna assume you're talking about cats here.

You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?

- Purrrrr-cisely!

- Peggy it's June...

That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.

- What do you mean?

- Well I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink?

- Yeah... What do you mean?

- Well what's going to happen when the bathtub milk turns

and they've got three and a half weeks

with nothing to drink?

- What do you mean?

- Nothing. I don't mean anything.

- Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there

waiting for you when you get back.

Okay friends listen up!

Loser!

- Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Loo-ser!

The time has come for us to go into stasis.

Now this will be a chemical sleep that will make

the next two weeks of travel feel like a two hour cat nap.

Wooo! He said cats!

- Uh, is this going to be a shot or something?

- No. We will each be taking 500 easy to swallow pills.

- Did you say 500? - What? 500?

Can we get some more water?

- Ah... No.

Ouch...

Ouch. I slept on my arm weird.

God, this aerobed half deflated.

- Aw, my neck!

Elron? I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.

How did I get over here?

- Well after you guys took all those Ambien...

Stop! What?

- Ambien? We took, we took 500 Ambien?

- Ha ha, pretty cool right Todd?

- That's what stasis is? Isn't that how Lil Peep died?

- Awe, guh!

Oh wait, oh okay you're just all gonnna

take 'em off? Okay.

Oh hey. Did you guys, did you guys notice my sign?

It says "Welcome to Mars. A place for friends."

Oh that's, yeah, that's cool man.

- As you can see I drew each one of us.

Took me most of the two weeks here.

Todd what do you think?

- Uh, it sucks, it's stupid. You're stupid, you suck.

Come on Todd.

Oh here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a few moments, the airlock

door will open and in front of the watching world

we will become the first people to step from this ship

and see Mars with our own eyes.

- This is incredible.

gather around.

Just want to lay down some ground rules

for my fellow... Martians.

- Oh hoo hoo. - Woooo.

Thank you Jesus.

- The first and most important rule is...

Have fun!

Have fun up here guys. This is your vacation.

Mars is for fun.

The second rule is: Do not touch the airlock

because it will kill you.

Now, down that corridor is the sleeping pods.

Go claim a room and be back here for our first

Martian lunch at 14:00.

Well hello Kyle.

- Oh hey Wimmy. I see that you are...

praying again. A lot a, lot a prayer with you alright.

So uh... So what's you're story?

- Well, I'm a faithful husband with a wife who is quite

a beauty... on the inside.

A proud father of five angelic children.

I have type two diabetes and I don't believe in dinosaurs.

What about you?

- Uh... I'm a dentist which is cool...

Actually no, it's not little kids hate me

and uh... I do believe in dinosaurs.

Well, we'll work on that.

That's why I'm here. I'm a missionary of sorts.

I'm gonna turn Mars into the first completely

Christian planet.

- Okay but there aren't any people on Mars.

- Aren't there?

- Oh no.

Woah. Elron, did you make all this yourself?

- I had a little help from my good friend...

Murdered Mid-western Homosexual Teenager.

- One more time Elron?

- I said this meal was actually prepared by one

Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager.

It's an acronym. It's technical name is

Mechanical Ultra Responsive Dietary Electronic Robotic

Energized Delivery Meal Interface Dietary Wellness

Efficiency System Tactile Edible Responsive

Nutrition Home Or Mobile Omnivorous Sustenance

Expeditious Xenoculinary, User Aligned Lunch Tool

Enabled Eating Nourishment Agent Gastronomical

Electronic Robot.

What?

- But that's a little bit of a mouthful.

So we call it the Murdered Mid-western

Homosexual Teenager for short.

- That's really weird and offensive.

I think that happened.

- This is a one of a kind prototype, but in a few years

Lord willing, every town from Chicago to New Orleans

will have it's own Murdered Mid-Western

Homosexual Teenager.

Gotta fix that acronym.

Yeah some of those words seemed unnecessary.

You said "robotic" twice.

Hey I didn't name it. Take it up with the good

people at The Holocaust Was Greatly Exaggerated.

I'm sorry what?

It's a company. It stands for Technological

Human Electronic... - Okay, okay so

How does this thing work?

- It's basically like a 3D printer for food.

You just say whatever you want it to make...

And it... - Jager.

Rad.

Get a bucket and a mop for this wet ass pussy.

Ho ho, get it Peggy.

Opa, opa!

Awe yeah! >

Woah. Hey... Wimmy.

- Good morning. This is a surprise.

- Yeah you're in my bed.

- Oh well are we sure you didn't get in my bed?

- Yep. This is my bed.

- Oh well, last night was the first in 18 years

that I didn't share my bed with my

lovely on the inside wife.

So in my sleep I must have wandered over here

mistaking your bodily warmth for hers.

- Okay, well...

I'm going to get up.

- Ten four good buddy.

There were good people on both sides of the

Charlottesville Fiasco... They even put spaces.

Fuck this company!

Last night was fun.

- You know what Peggy, last night was fun.

I think this is a really great group we got here.

- And it's cool that we're on Mars.

- And it's cool we're on Mars.

You're right Peggy, huh! Fucking Mars.

Alright!

- Oh boy, you know what that alarm means?

It's time for Kyle's surprise!

- Oh ho, what's going on? What are we talking about?

- Your surprise. Surprise later from future tennis?

- Oh right hey. Wow, look at me.

Everything is coming up Kyle.

- Now I know the Martian landscape can feel

pretty foreign. But you've won something that's

going to make this place feel a lot more like home.

Alright, okay.

Lay it on me. Fun!

- Okay Kyle. Say hello to your very own...

- Talk to me baby. What do we got?

- What the fuck? What the fuck?

- Wait, how is, how, how is she here now?

- When you won future tennis I asked if you wanted

surprise now or surprise later.

You said "surprise later".

- She shouldn't be here.

This is bad. Can we pause? Can we pause for a second?

Can we make the door go back up please?

- No Kyle. We have to get her outta there.

That's a decompression chamber.

They're very dangerous.

- Oh God. Oh God. Oh God Fuck me. Fuck Me.

Oh fuck. Ha ha ha hiii Pumpkin!

Hi Kyle.

Hi, I'm Candace. Kyle's fiance.

That's funny, Kyle didn't talk about you at all.

Yeah I did. Yes I'm... No I'm sure that I did.

So this is... this is crazy.

This is all so surprising. How are you... here?

- Well when you chose surprise later, I knew we

had to think of something really good for you.

And as luck would have it, right then, Candace

showed up on the launchpad and was going on and on

about how much she needed to get up here

and get to ya.

When I found out, I said "What the heck.

send her up in a supply pod."

Nothing is more important than true love.

- That's so coool.

- What would have happened if he chose "surprise now"?

- He would have won 400,000 dollars.

- Oh 400,000 dollars. Yeah.

Candace could we just have a little side bar to kinda

clear the air. 'Cause you know I'm sensing a little...

hostility between us.

- I'm not hostile Kyle. Are you hostile?

- No, no, no I just, I feel like you're in...

I mean I don't want to tell you how you feel but

I imagine, that you would have the right...

to be...

frustrated with me.

- I'm perfectly calm Kyle.

- Yeah but um...

You seem mad.

- I'm not mad. Are you mad?

- No, no, no I, I'm not mad at all.

- Okay then we're not mad.

Let's just drop it.

- Okay yeah, yeah fine.

I mean it just, it seems kinda weird...

- You motherfucker. - Help!

She's gonna kill me!

- You dickless piece of shit.

Okay everyone. Seems like the perfect time

for a little safety meeting.

We've had some rather unsafe behavior lately.

I'm not gonna name names.

But I just want to really quickly go over

some of the basics.

First thing's first: This is the airlock.

Earlier today Kyle was suggesting that we leave

someone in the airlock.

Now this is unsafe for a myriad of reasons. >

If you're in this thing without a space suit

when the exterior door opens, the changing pressures

could be fatal.

Now, if you do have your space suit on and

you're going to take a walk on the Martian surface,

You would stand on this circle and give the voice

command, Airlock C-L-O-S-E.

- Ah, Airlock Close!

Thank you Peggy. Yes that is what I was spelling.

Exterior door

opening in 30 seconds.

- Okay, luckily we have a safeguard built in.

If you happen to be stuck inside the airlock

without your space suit. Just give the voice command:

Abort airlock proceed... -Well then do it!

- I am doing it. I was trying to.

Abort airlock... - You gotta hurry Elron!

I'm sorry I didn't quite get that.

Evacuating airlock in 20 seconds...

- Guys you cannot say the command while people

are talking. You all have to be quiet...

- Okay Kyle? I'm gonna take it from here okay?

Ab... - Yeah just be quiet Kyle.

I'm sorry I didn't quite get that.

- Candace now you did it!

- I'm sorry, I was telling Kyle to be quiet for you.

- I wasn't going to say anything.

- You just did it right there... - Evacuating

airlock in ten seconds... - Everyone...

- Everyone shut up! - Everyone shut up!

- Shut up Kyle. - You shut up!

- Shut up! - You Kyle shut...

Wimmy shut up!

- Stop! - You just talked Can...

- Wimmy! - Sorry Elron.

Shut up!

Abort airlock pro...

What the fuck!

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh...

Did that just happen?

Okay you guys are actually louder than my music.

- Did you not see that?

- What are you talking about?

- Elron is dead!

- Who?

- Elron!

The, the billionaire guy that brought us here.

Th... Elron the main guy! Elron!

- Oh right. He died?

- His head exploded!

- Fuck off!

Holy shit!

Now that is fucking cool.

- No it's not fucking cool. Elron Branson was the only

one that knew how to operate the ship!

Holy Holy Holy. Our God Almighty.

- Fat man. Be quiet Not now.

Okay, okay, okay.

We just, we need to keep our heads together.

- Poor choice of words dude.

- What?

- Poor choice of words

- What?

- You said "let's keep our heads together".

His head exploded.

The things you say are inappropriate. You don't

realize it. You're dumb.

Holy shit, he won't stop singing.

- Oh I'm sorry, I'm just the only one trying to

get us out of this mess.

- How? - Uhh...

By sending a little S.O.S. to the big man upstairs.

- But Wimmy, God's not real.

Peggy...

Isn't it enough that you killed our captain?

Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?

- I didn't kill him.

- You're the one who said "airlock close".

Airlock closed.

- Hey come on Wimmy. Leave Peggy alone.

She can't help it. She's... you know...

- What are you saying Kyle?

- I mean Peggy is obviously... You know... Um...

Peggy I don't want to offend you but... I mean

you're obviously... like...

You have a... a mental... thing...

Right? Are you...

Are you mentally handicapped?

- I'm sorry. No, tha... that came out wrong, look.

It's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming

eachother. Now I'm sure each one of us in this room

has made mistakes. And right now the best thing is

for everyone here to just forgive, everyone here

so that we can all work together moving forward.

So we can all work together

moving forwards.

- Todd, what is with the attitude?

- I don't have an attitude.

- Well I'm not your fucking dad man.

- I know you're not my dad. My dad is awesome.

Is Elron okay?

Okay we have to get in touch with Mission Control,

tell them what happened, and get them to pick us up,

and take us home.

I know! Hit this onec!

Peggy don't... touch.

This is dangerous. Okay, from now on,

no one touches anything.

- Todd! - Telecom. It's short

for telecommunications.

- Mission Control, can you hear us?

- There they are! - You bastards, you bastards!

- Did you come... to kill us now too?

Guys, guys, we are so

sorry about Elron. It was an accident.

- We saw everything, there's cameras.

- Ah, what, what, what do we do?

How do we get back home? What happens?

- Okay, well, we should be able to just...

have the ship automatically bring you home. Just...

don't touch that big red button.

Um...

Peggy already did.

- What?

You didn't hear a grinding sound did you?

- Ya. - Well great.

That just disengaged all the return boosters.

- Oh thank you Peggy. - Did I fix it?

Now what? Are we screwed?

Is there another way to get back?

- 'course there is. In the sciences, we always

prepare for a plan B.

- Yeah if we start constructing another ship now...

we can get to you guys in about... five years.

- Five years? Did you say five years?

We're all gonna be stuck up here for five years? Five?

Five whole years?

- Well maybe you should have thought about that >

before you killed Elron Branson.

He was a candle in the wind. - And a rocket man!

That dude? He was a nerd.

Nerd? Nerd?

- You know what. That's the problem with cools.

You guys just think you could say whatever you want

to anybody.

- Well if you wanted a world without nerds...

Then merry Christmas and happy birthday...

You're on one. - Nerds out!

No, no, no, nerds nerds, nerds. No. Nooo!

- I cannot get enough of things like that.

Look at that. Now let's see if we can go frame by frame.

Toby can go frame by frame here?

Someone get Toby out of the chair and let's

go frame by frame. Okay here we go.

Now he's like "Oh, oh, I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble".

Oh, boom! Huh, rewind.

See, see, he's still alive there. Still alive there.

There, still alive. He's feeling it right there.

And, and... that's where I think he died.

What about you? - I honestly have a hard time

watching this stuff. - Ho ho not me.

I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop

at home. It's marked "taxes" so my wife doesn't

snoop around in it.

- Getting back to the crisis at hand. Millions and

millions of viewers around the globe are mourning

the loss of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson

and watching the develpments with

baited breath.

- So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up

a 24 hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor the

events in the space station around the clock.

And with the sudden and shockingly metal death

of the only person who knew how to operate the ship

how do you think the crew is holding up?

- I tell ya, it must be incredibly, incredibly

tense up there. Let's take a look at the feed.

- Where should we start? - Hey why not the

womens bathroom? - I like the way you think.

Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up.

But you're going to remind him.

You're the hottest bitch on this planet.

Pizza...

Roast beef.

Chocolate.

Frosted Lucy Charms.

Reese's Puffs. Cocoa Puffs.

Hi...

So... Todd huh?

That's an interesting name.

I'm not gonna stick my dick in crazy.

- What?

- You just told your boyfriend you're on a break.

You're hurt, you're angry, you wana fuck somebody.

You're being crazy.

- Oh my god. I wouldn't even think...

- Okay sweet.

That is not why I came over here.

- Oh okay, my mistake.

- And for your information, crazy girls are the best

in bed. - That's not true.

That's just something crazy girls say.

- Uh!

Hey Peggy.

- They never said there was a limit

on how much food we can make.

- God it stinks in here.

Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say

you were looking pretty hot tonight.

- Shut up! Literally nobody has ever said that to me.

Literally!

- That's a shame. 'Cause...

I think you're fucking sexy.

- Candace you are blowing my mind right now.

- What do you say we... lock this door,

put on some music, grab a bottle of Everclear and...

- Candace I'm gonna stop you right there...

I don't stick my fingers in crazy.

- What?!

- It's my one rule!

Don't get me wrong Candace you're a very attractive

woman. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered...

But I know where this road leads, and it's not

a place that either of us... - What the fuck is wrong

with everyone on this spaceship?

Hey there. Wimmy right?

- Shhh.

- O-kay.

- Hi Candace. I was just talking to my best friend.

Who's your best friend.

This is so fucking hard.

What say you and I... have a little drink?

- Let me stop you right there.

I do not imbibe.

But I am happy to provide some non judgemental

company, while you poison your brain and jepardize

your soul with alcohol.

You're funny.

Listen Wimmy. You're a man with needs.

I'm a woman with needs.

What do you say we help eachother out?

- What? No. No, no, no, no no, no, no, no.

I am taken. Here's the Tilliams clan right here.

What!?

Candace! We just adultried. I adultried.

I just betrayed my wife and children.

I'm sorry. I just don't know what's going on with me.

This whole thing with me and Kyle has me...

feel like I'm losing my mind!

I'm not usually like this I swear.

- Okay, well...

The Lord has everything happen for a reason.

So ah, maybe he can...

use this as a teachable moment.

Okay, John 3:16 says:

For God so loved the Earth that he gave

his only begotten son.

- Yeah but, Wimmy, we're not on Earth.

- Well it says Earth...

but it means the whole solar system.

- Well why would he say Earth if he meant

solar system?

Candace.

Well, way back when this was written, God probably

had no idea that in the future Man would make it

to other planets.

Well, well, I mean he knew...

He just had, he had to know, he just probably

didn't... I mean...

Hold on.

Hey, hey I mean I get it guys.

In high school I wasn't the most popular guy either.

I didn't even kiss a girl until I was eighteen.

Eighteen? Eighteen?

- That's not nerdy. That's cool.

- No I didn't mean eighteen. It wasn't eighteen. Ah...

I don't... I don't know why I said that. It was way later.

It was like, like twenty.

- Twenty!?

...nine. Twenty nine. I was twenty nine.

- Oh, okay. That's pretty lame I guess.

I mean, I kissed a girl when I was twenty eight.

- I didn't but I could have.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute. You kissed a girl...

at twenty eight. Are you sure I'm not talking to

a couple of cools right now?

Yeah right. Get outta here.

You don't really think that.

- Oh I don't know. I'm getting some really cool vibes

coming through this monitor right now.

- Shut up.

- You know what would be really cool though?

If you guys can help me figure out how to fly

this thing back home.

Well.

I guess us cools need to stick together.

- Ha ha ha, that's right!

- Okay, well, it's not gonna be easy...

But I think if we all keep our cool...

We'll be able to walk you through it.

First thing you'll need to do is refill

the spaceship's fuel reserve tanks.

- Kyle, I'm so sorry. Can we talk?

- Just, just, just a minute Candace. The mission

control guys are helping us get home.

- Alright, now to do this you need to divert the fuel

from the stations resting generators to the ships

return tank. - Okay.

Resting generators got it.

- I cheated on you with Wimmy.

- With Wimmy? What? Why?

Weird. Okay... Okay, alright.

Look, Candace, that is really shitty and we will

have to talk about that but I, I gotta do this right now.

- This is what I'm talking about.

I traveled all the way through space to get to

Mars to talk to you and all you do is ignore me.

- Guys is this resting generator thing an outside

kinda deal or is this somewhere in the ship here?

- That is outside the ship. - Right on the underside

of the central pod.

Hi-yeeeee!

- Candace no!

Two years of my life Kyle!

My two best years wasted with you!

Oh my god!

- I could have married Brian Delaney!

Candace! You broke the air thing!

- Well now we're even because you broke my heart.

- No, no, no, you broke the fucking air thing.

The meek shall inherit the Earth...

The Earth is filled with the steadfast love of the Lord.

The Earth is the Lords and the fullness thereof.

The thing! She fucking broke the thing.

We're gonna die!

Do you want to play future tennis with me?

- Todd, I don't know how to fix the container and I

saw her do it. She threw the thing and then it made

the, the thing, punch right through it!

We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!

- What are you talking about?

- We're gonna die man!

- And why do you think we're dying?

- Because I saw the fucking air, our air is sucked...

out into outer space!

- Okay and how did that happen?

- Because this...bitch!

- Heeeeey. - Woah.

- No, no, do not judge me until I have

finished my sentence.

Because then, you will see, that she has...

murdered you!

And she has murdered you!

And she has murdered you!

And she has also committed suicide!

And killed Wimmy. Where, where's Wimmy?

There is no God here. We abandoned him when

we left the Earth!

He has no jurisdiction up here.

The red planet is the planet of... the Devil!

Okay, first of all, I'm going to apologize to the room.

Uh... I lost my cool there. I said some things

that didn't need to be said and it's

important for a leader to be calm and collected.

What?

- What?

- Dude you are amazing.

Hey can you say that part about you

being the leader again?

- Kyle, do you want to play future tennis with me?

- Kyle hates future tennis.

He thinks it's a game that makes the person you

claimed to have loved for two years, come and see

you after you've tried to run away from them.

- Okay Candace? Can we try and stay focused?

Please?

Life threatening situation here. Ring a bell?

You threw a fit, now we're fucked.

- We're fucked?

- Yes, we're fucked!

- We're not fucked. We still have a perfectly

good spaceship sitting right over there that

can take us home.

- No, the nerds said that there's all this complicated

stuff we have to do.

- Let, let me guess what they said.

We have to refuel? Fill up the gas tank?

- They, well they said "fuel reserve".

- Ah huh. I'm guessing they're plan involves

something like diverting the fuel from the stations

generators into the ships reserve. Probably some

sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we

need to connect?

- Wait a minute...

Okay, I don't want to offend you right now. But...

Are you smart?

Uh, I don't want to offend

you but are you smart?

- Todd can I get a sidebar really quick?

Candace and Wimmy are very crazy and Peggy...

is also very crazy. You, you seem in a weird way,

not to be crazy. Do you think you can help me

fix this ship?

- Ah, I think it will be more like you helping me fix

the ship and... also I don't need that.

- I find that to be very encouraging.

- Hey there lust muffin.

- What the fuck did you just say?

- Guess what? - What?

- Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars.

I didn't say anything about...

- I should have seen it earlier.

It was right in front of my... damn face.

Pardon my French. I swear now.

- What are you talking about?

- I was just in my room indulging my own flesh.

Treatin' my body like a damn playground.

- What is that?

- Playing with my private parts... outside of marriage.

And I don't give a... sh... sh... damn!

And guess what? I loved it.

Now I get what all the fuss is about.

- Why are you telling me all this?

I'm here to take you up on your offer.

I want to do every damn thing.

Fuck it.

These suits are pretty cool.

We just actually became the first two people to

ever set foot on Mars. Isn't that kinda crazy?

I mean, it is to me a little bit, I mean...

That's a big... That's a big deal.

Oh Todd be careful!

Oh, is that the hose we need?

Oh good!

Hey how do you know how to do all this stuff?

You seem really confident.

I don't know anything mechanical.

I was an indoor kid.

I can't even change a flat.

Did that fix it? Is it fixed?

If you want to talk to me you have to press this button.

Yeah I wasn't talking.

I can't.

It won't go in.

It keeps bending.

Maybe your butthole is broken.

- My butthole is not broken Wimmy.

You have to be hard.

- I'm pretty hard. It just keeps bending though.

Candace you need to relax more so I can stuff it in.

There, I just got it in.

I'm in. We're having sodomy. Wow.

- You're not in.

- No you're right. It's out again... Damn.

- I gotta say Todd... I am pretty impressed.

- Oh great, I impressed Kyle that means a lot.

When I get home everyone will be like "Hey Todd

how was Mars?" I'll be like "It was okay, but the real

cool thing, is while I was up there...

I impressed some idiot."

- Dude. What is the deal?

- What?

- What is with the negativity man?

What is your issue with me? Seriously?

- Seriously? - Yeah.

- I don't like the way you treat women.

- I'm sorry excuse me? The way I treat women?

Did I bash her face in with the lamp? Did I throw a

monitor at her head?

- It just didn't sit well with me the way you were

throwing around the B word back there.

- Wa... uh... She is so mean to me.

She's been treating me like this for two years

and she's wrecked the spaceship now

and she's ruined my life.

- She ruined your life? She came all the way up

to Mars for you.

- She is crazy.

- Yeah because you've made her crazy.

- Look, you're obviously not committed to your

relationship and you've just been stringing her along

instead of manning up and doing the right thing.

- What? Marry her?

- No. Break up with her.

Let her go find someone who will actually give

a shit about her.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fix the ship.

Wimmy Tilliams is my name and sinning is my new game.

Committing adultry fealt that good...

I can't imagine how it must feel to sin even harder.

Che che che, ah ah ah.

Khe khe khe, ah ah ah.

Jay Jay Jay, son son son.

Jay Jason moo moo movies.

Hey there handsome... Devil

♪ When the going get's tough ♪♪

♪ and the road is dark ♪

♪ and the trouble never ends ♪♪

♪ there's always one thing ♪♪

♪ that you can count on ♪

♪ I'm talking about friends ♪♪

♪ You can always count on friends to♪♪

♪ lift you up when you are down ♪♪

♪ friends are always there for you ♪♪

♪ when no one else is around ♪♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ That's what I'm talking 'bout ♪♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ You'd be a mess without ♪♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ Monica, Phoebe, Ross Joey, Chandler ♪♪

♪ and Ray hay chel ♪

♪ They're the gang that you want to be with ♪♪

♪ whenever you are able ♪♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ You'd be a mess without ♪♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ Buy it on Amazon ♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ Do you remember the slew of A list celebs ♪♪

♪ that were constantly dropping by ♪♪

♪ Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni Ribisi ♪♪

♪ Paul Rudd and George Cloon-i ♪♪

♪ And last but not least, we had ♪♪

♪ Brad Pitt ♪

♪ Hotter than anyone ♪

♪ Brad Pitt ♪

♪ King of celebrities yeah ♪♪

♪ From Cool World to Fight Club ♪♪

♪ He's never let us down ♪♪

♪ Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood ♪♪

♪ Brad Pitt Town ♪

♪ Ooooh ♪

Oh shit I'm singing with my eyes closed again, fuck.

I just don't understand what you

want from me.

- Stop trying to make me the bad guy here.

- Stop acting like one.

Ah okay, so sorry about that.

You missed a couple things. Basically what happened was

while Todd finished fixing the ship, Kyle tried to

explain to Candace all that stuff that Todd was telling

him about how he wasn't being fair to her. But he

he still didn't really have the balls to tell her

how he honestly fealt, so she's still confused and

unhappy, so she got all pissed. And then he

got all defensive and it was a pretty good scene.

Anyway, sorry, sorry again. ♪ Watch Friends ♪

I'm tired of all these

mind games Kyle.

Either love me, or let me go.

- Look, I really do care about you but, but I...

- Well by my calculations we got 10 minutes of air left.

So let's do this thing.

Had to do some juri rigging on the ignition

system, but this cord should pull enough juice from the

main comm board for us to blast off.

- Holy shit dude, I am so glad you're smart.

- Alright, that's it. Mars sucked.

Fuck it, let's go home.

And if the fat, nerdy bible guy wants to come

with us, he better hurry his ass up wherever he is.

Dieeeeeee!

- What the fuck?

- Ahhh! - Fuck!

- Wimmy what the fuck?

- That was a big sin... and Wimmy likey.

Wimmy likey a lot.

- Oh my God!

- There is no God up here Kyle.

I have abandoned the way of the Lamb.

I now worship... the Goat.

The dark one demands more sacrifices.

More blood for Satan!

- Guys, get in the ship. - Satan, Satan, Satan.

- What? - Todd let's go.

Peggy, Candace get in the ship, we gotta

- get outta here. - Heavy metal music

Nudity, Democrats!

- Look, look Wimmy. A cross.

Jesus. Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?

Owwww.

- We're in, we made it. We're all here, ha.

- Well, Todd's dead.

- Right, yeah, that's uh... right yeah.

That, that, that's too bad.

- And Elron died.

- Shit right, yeah, he, he also died.

- And I'm assuming Wimmy won't survive when we leave.

- Well that's...

Well I mean... fuck him right?

Come on let's just get outta here.

Suck my dick Mars.

Ignition in 10...

9...

8...

- Oh good, Wimmy's better.

- 6... - What?

5...

4...

3...

- What's happening?

- Why aren't we going? Where's 2? Where's 1?

- Face me!

Face your feeeears!

- Ughhh...

This fucking guy is ridiculous

- Fuck...

- What?

- Goodbye, Candice

- NO!

You are not doing this again!

- Candice, I am not running away from you

I-I just...

I don't love you.

And, maybe, I just realized that myself

But I also know that you

You deserve someone that does

- Ooo! A challenger!

- Wimmy get away from the cord

- In this corner

fighting for the side of SAAATAAAAN

WIIIIIMMMY TIIIIILLAAAMS

- Jesus Christ...

- And fighting for the side of his precious

Jesus Christ

KYYYLLLEEE

- Wimmy

I'm going to just step over there

And I'm gonna pick up the cord-

- MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

Dut dut dut Subzero

Dat dat dat Subzero

Dat dut dat dat dat dut

Dat dut det dah dat Subzero

Deh deh duh deh duh deh

Duh det det den deh deh

Duh den deh den deh den

- Fitting isn't it?!

That it would end up the two of us!

Locked in battle-

AAAUUGGHHHAA

OOWWWW!!!

Again?!

- Unbelieveable...

- AHA!

AH!

KYLE!!

HE FUCKIN' BIT ME!

- I'm sorry...

- AHH!

- What the fuck??

- Hello?! Hello?!

Hey! Kyle! What's up?! What's up??

What's going on man?! What's up?!?

COOTER! gaht- Where the hell

have you been for

the last two weeks??

- OH just been really busy doin' work!

Lots of work stuff!

Just workin' on a lot of work!

Well I've got a huge

problem, man!

The wedding is TODAY!

I know that!

I know that, man!

I'm on my way there right now!

- TWINKS! TO THE CAR!

- OKAY TWINKS!

LISTEN THE FUCK UP!

Kyle needs us!

We're gonna do this the right way!

When we hit the church

I want two twinks stationed at the rear

I want two twinks stationed on the roof

And I want three twinks on me at all times

If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go

we're gonna need to dig a hole.

- TWINKS!! DIG A HOLE!!!

- This is bad guys!

This is really really bad!

- We need to lay low until first light,

Then torch the car.

We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to

the state line before the dogs find that body

Aaaaahhh...

I feel good Twinks.

I feel really, really good.

The world is ours!

One more, in fact...

- Turn. That. UP!

We couldn't

believe it ourselves.

Just this afternoon,

a young Candice Simpson

has left our planet to

join her fiancé, Kyle Capshaw on Mars.

Elron Branson approved the use of the last

remaining supply pod

releasing a statement saying

"Nothing is more important-"

"-than true love."

What in the FUCK?

-Why would they send Candice up?

What's their angle?

I'm not buying this "true love" horse shit

for one second!

But WHO benefits??

Sending a young lady thirty-five million miles

to visit her boyfriend doesn't float!

We need to FOL-LOW THE MON-EY!

- It's just a bunch of contracts for

product placement and deposits from investors...

That doesn't explain why they'd send Candice up!

Hittin' a brick wall here.

Think, Cooter! THINK!

I need more meth!

- OF COURSE!!!

- Elron Branson took twelve million dollars

from different investors to showcase their

products on his space station!

That's a lot of fuckin' money

for a passing mention on the news!

My mind is a FUCKIN' razor blade

I can SEE in between TIME!

Only half of the sponsors are paying

for the product placement

The others get a free ride because they're

shell companies for whoever's really in charge!

BUT WHO?!

What do these products have in common?

They range from everything between

home appliances and pizza delivery services.

- I got three large thick crust pepperoini and

sausages for a...

Dopey Twink?

- WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!

- I TOLD YOU PAPANERO'S PIZZA!

- WRONG ANSWER!

AAAHHHH!!!

Please stop! PLEASE STOP!

PLEAAAASE!!!

I'm just trying to payoff my student loans, man!

- If you wanna ever see the light of day again

you'd better start talkin'!

TAKE US UP THE CHAIN!

- You're gonna have to speak to my manager!

- LUUUUCY!

I'M HOOOOOOOME!

- What the hell is going on?

- DADDY! HELP US!

No, no!

- DON'T WORRY, KYLE!

I'LL KILL AS MANY PEOPLE AS I HAVE TO

TO GET YOU BACK ON EARTH!

- You recognize this piece of shit?!

- I'm sorry, Mr. Keppler!

They cut my fucking toe off!

- Oh, that's right. You fucked with the

wrong people this time.

- I don't know what's going on please.

The ants are gonna come in the morning bitch.

Chomp chomp.

Chomp chomp.

- I told you all I know. Our parent company is

Technological Human Electronic Household

Optimal Luxury Organic Cyber Anthropomorphic

Utility Systems Treatment Worldwide Analytic Software

- The Holocaust Was Greatly Exaggerated!

They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!

Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the

mission himself so he links up with this company

and promises them the best advertising opportunity

money can by. Now he just needs people to tune in.

Candace shows up at the launchpad and they're

like "Shit! This'll be some drama."

"Let's send her up so people can

watch the fireworks!"

But now you're telling me that there's no way the

design of that ship would be able to withstand the

radiation from the Van Allen Belt?

- Yes, I, I worked in aerospace engineering

for thirty-five years. Please don't kill me.

Oh God don't kill me.

- Listen to this.

Billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson

was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars

Enterprise space station.

- Bull fucking shit he was.

There's your twenty four seven fucking permenant

paid fucking commercial you fucking sick fucks.

Ah, my skin is on fucking fire right now.

There's their headquarters and I'll bet you all the

meth in the world that they're doing more than

making home appliances in there.

Aha!

Skinheads!

I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust

Was Greatly Exaggerated was just a hilarious name.

Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front

for a White Power group. Of course!

Ah! My mind is moving in hyperspace man.

They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products

and set up an all White colony on a new planet.

They think it will show people how a one race

world would be a utopia!

Then with all the profits from their product placements

they'll send up more and more people!

- I so horny.

- Me too Sleepy. Me too.

But we have some Nazis to kill.

Here we go twinks! The entire energy of

the universe is within us!

What in the fuck?

Twinks!

That's the fucking space ship!

They never went to fucking Mars.

Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't

get a hotel up there. The whole thing was

a giant scam!

Branson steels billions from investors, then that

phony fucker fackes his own death and makes

off with the cash!

Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accident

to get the whole world watching their bullshit

racist White utiopia propaganda...

while getting rich selling their

vacuum cleaners and blenders!

It's almost too simple.

- Huh?

The station is wrecked. How am I breathing?

God?

Oh no, what have I done?

Forgive me Lord!

Jesus?

- Cooter?

- Kyle! What's up man?

- What the fuck, what is hap... How are you on Mars?

- You never went to Mars.

You're in a warehouse 20 miles south of Carlan, NV.

The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremecy

utopia commercial.

- What are you talking about?

- I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy

to figure it out. But it's all right now.

- Mister Cooter. Skinheads!

- Someone tell me what is happening.

- Shit's starting to get fun.

Twinks?

Light 'em up.

Bashfull, I'm out of ammo!

Throw me another clip!

- Okay Mister Cooter.

Bashful!

Three hundred and sixty seven people were

killed today in a firefight outside of Carlan Nevada.

A horrific scene that lead authorities to discover

Sir Elron Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission

was a hoax.

Details are still unfolding but from what we can tell

the now discraced billionaire had elaborately faked his

own death with the help of a white supremecist

home appliance company in a scheme to bilk investors

out of their money and sell products

with incredibly offensive names.

Here we see the footage

For Elron Branson being taken

into custody

earlier this evening.

The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected

with their loved ones here on Earth.

- Ah, hey guys. Had sort of a ah...

crazy trip, ha, ha.

And I have to go to jail now.

That's all the time we have tonight. Stay tuned for

Jimmy Fallon who's gonna be playing "guess who"

with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.

Hey, how'd it go? Um...

What, what kinda stuff are they asking?

- Just like... what happened when

Wimmy went crazy and stuff like that.

- Oh, okay. Um...

Are you doing alright?

- Yeah.

I'm still shaken up a bit but... yeah.

So, I guess...

This is...

it.

- Yeah, I, I guess so.

So what are you gonna do now?

Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?

- Oh no. No.

Cooter's in a lot of trouble. He killed like...

hundreds of people.

- Yeah but it was kinda in self defence.

- No, no, no, no, before that

He killed like nine people or something in the weeks

leading up to that gunfight.

I think like two of them were children.

- Oh my God.

- Yeah, huh, yeah.

- Are you going to visit him in prison?

- Um... I don't think so.

- Well...

see you around.

- Hey Candace, um...

I'm sorry that I hurt you.

I really am.

- I know.

And some day...

I'll be okay with it.

- Hey, Elron!

- Oh, hey Kyle.

Uh... How's it going?

- So is it true? It was all a hoax from the beginning?

- Yep, ah. Pretty much, ah.

I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists

I can finally fake my death and dissappear

with a ton of money.

- Dude I just don't get it. You were already rich.

I mean you had everything.

Why would you want to fake you're own death?

- Well...

I have this fiance who just absolutely smothers me.

And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting

the corpses until they just sort of like... jellified.

- Thank you Mister Capshaw.

- I gotta say, this is kind of a Godsend for us

here at NASA.

- What do you mean? How so?

- Well this is exactly the kind of story we need

to get the federal government to give us our funding back.

- What happened to you is a perfect example of

corporatism in the sciences run amok.

- We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on

every talk show in the country telling this story.

- Peggy?

- Yeah. She's gonna be a national hero.

We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.

Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.

We're in the Peggy Bork business now.

- Ah, that's cool but...

What about me? I mean I actually did...

way more stuff than Peggy.

- Yeah... The thing is uh...

Peggy more represents the image we want out there...

for NASA.

- Are you fucking kidding me? Cause she's...

I mean she's like...

Look I think that she's mentally handicapped.

- Oh come on. - Ohhh.

The thing is Kyle, a cultural icon needs to

project a certain... essence of American values

and... wholesomeness.

- What are you trying to say?

- Everyone's seen the doll video.

- What doll video?

- Sandy.

What do you mean...

"everybody's seen the video"?

- They played it on the news pretty often while

you guys were trapped up there.

Or, uh, trapped down here.

Ha, trapped down here.

- We just can't have a doll licker be the face

of the National Space Agency.

Well the stranded Martian passengers are

stranded no more. And we know of one

little porcelain doll who's probably very happy

that they're safe and sound.

- Oh great.

I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.

And Peggy Bork national press tour

continues. This morning she was seen playing

the xylophone with Michael Strahan

on the Today Show.

And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gossling has

been making romantic andvances. Is it too early

to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?

Those two are hot.

- I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.

- Well it looks like it's just you and me Sandy.

From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen

Oh...

Come here you.