Original subtitles

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Roy. Ah,

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Roy. Ah,

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Roy. Ah, we got so much to talk about tonight.

we got so much to talk about tonight.

we got so much to talk about tonight. Hey, JD Vans jumps into the beef between

Hey, JD Vans jumps into the beef between

Hey, JD Vans jumps into the beef between Trump and God. RFK launches a podcast

Trump and God. RFK launches a podcast

Trump and God. RFK launches a podcast best listen to on mute. And Nick

best listen to on mute. And Nick

best listen to on mute. And Nick Offerman stops by to say that America

Offerman stops by to say that America

Offerman stops by to say that America might be 250 years old, but he'd still

might be 250 years old, but he'd still

might be 250 years old, but he'd still hit it.

hit it.

hit it. But first, let's kick things off with

But first, let's kick things off with

But first, let's kick things off with another installment of The Worst Wing.

What a bunch of losers.

>> Let's start with Vice President JD

>> Let's start with Vice President JD

>> Let's start with Vice President JD Vance. He had to come out yesterday to

Vance. He had to come out yesterday to

Vance. He had to come out yesterday to defend President Trump from all the woke

defend President Trump from all the woke

defend President Trump from all the woke Christians who are trying to cancel him

Christians who are trying to cancel him

Christians who are trying to cancel him just because he might have said, "I am

just because he might have said, "I am

just because he might have said, "I am Jesus." Okay.

Jesus." Okay.

Jesus." Okay. Hey, get over it, snowflakes. Where in

Hey, get over it, snowflakes. Where in

Hey, get over it, snowflakes. Where in the Trump Bible does it say you can't

the Trump Bible does it say you can't

the Trump Bible does it say you can't worship false idols?

worship false idols?

worship false idols? So, poor JD Vance had to come out and

So, poor JD Vance had to come out and

So, poor JD Vance had to come out and explain why you don't get it. I think

explain why you don't get it. I think

explain why you don't get it. I think the president was posting a joke and of

the president was posting a joke and of

the president was posting a joke and of course he took it down because he

course he took it down because he

course he took it down because he recognized that a lot of people weren't

recognized that a lot of people weren't

recognized that a lot of people weren't understanding uh his his humor in that

understanding uh his his humor in that

understanding uh his his humor in that case.

case.

case. >> Shut up. Shut up. It was a joke. What's

>> Shut up. Shut up. It was a joke. What's

>> Shut up. Shut up. It was a joke. What's the matter? You guys don't have jokes at

the matter? You guys don't have jokes at

the matter? You guys don't have jokes at Jesus camp.

Jesus camp.

Jesus camp. Everyone knows Trump posted this picture

Everyone knows Trump posted this picture

Everyone knows Trump posted this picture to be funny, right?

to be funny, right?

to be funny, right? >> I did post it and I thought it was me as

>> I did post it and I thought it was me as

>> I did post it and I thought it was me as a doctor.

>> Wait, wait. What do you mean a doctor?

>> Wait, wait. What do you mean a doctor?

>> Wait, wait. What do you mean a doctor? Okay. Well, make up your mind. Is it a

Okay. Well, make up your mind. Is it a

Okay. Well, make up your mind. Is it a doctor or is it a joke? Or is it a

doctor or is it a joke? Or is it a

doctor or is it a joke? Or is it a doctor who is a joke? Like a

doctor who is a joke? Like a

doctor who is a joke? Like a chiropractor? I don't I don't know.

chiropractor? I don't I don't know.

chiropractor? I don't I don't know. Anyway, look, the the point is all these

Anyway, look, the the point is all these

Anyway, look, the the point is all these Christians need to get off Trump's back.

Christians need to get off Trump's back.

Christians need to get off Trump's back. Even Pope Leo is going around

Even Pope Leo is going around

Even Pope Leo is going around criticizing Trump and and Catholic JD

criticizing Trump and and Catholic JD

criticizing Trump and and Catholic JD Vance had to take him to Sunday school.

Vance had to take him to Sunday school.

Vance had to take him to Sunday school. >> I certainly think that in some cases it

>> I certainly think that in some cases it

>> I certainly think that in some cases it would be best for the Vatican to stick

would be best for the Vatican to stick

would be best for the Vatican to stick to matters of morality, to stick to

to matters of morality, to stick to

to matters of morality, to stick to matters of of uh you know what's going

matters of of uh you know what's going

matters of of uh you know what's going on in the Catholic Church and let the

on in the Catholic Church and let the

on in the Catholic Church and let the president of United States stick to

president of United States stick to

president of United States stick to dictating American public policy.

>> Yeah. Stop getting all high and mighty.

>> Yeah. Stop getting all high and mighty.

>> Yeah. Stop getting all high and mighty. the Pope.

the Pope.

the Pope. JD Vance just told the Pope to shut up

JD Vance just told the Pope to shut up

JD Vance just told the Pope to shut up and dribble. Look, look, it's high

and dribble. Look, look, it's high

and dribble. Look, look, it's high enough being the Pope without having

enough being the Pope without having

enough being the Pope without having this guy telling you how to do your job.

this guy telling you how to do your job.

this guy telling you how to do your job. I mean, think about it. The Pope has to

I mean, think about it. The Pope has to

I mean, think about it. The Pope has to wear white all the time and eat Italian

wear white all the time and eat Italian

wear white all the time and eat Italian food. I mean, it's it's a miracle he

food. I mean, it's it's a miracle he

food. I mean, it's it's a miracle he isn't saying every mass covered in

isn't saying every mass covered in

isn't saying every mass covered in marinara.

marinara.

marinara. But let's move on because there's a

But let's move on because there's a

But let's move on because there's a Trump administration official starting a

Trump administration official starting a

Trump administration official starting a podcast. And if your hoping is one of

podcast. And if your hoping is one of

podcast. And if your hoping is one of the ones with a voice that doesn't sound

the ones with a voice that doesn't sound

the ones with a voice that doesn't sound like think again.

like think again.

like think again. >> US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy

>> US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy

>> US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced he is launching a new

Jr. has announced he is launching a new

Jr. has announced he is launching a new podcast.

podcast.

podcast. >> I'm Robert F. Kennedy Jr., your HHS

>> I'm Robert F. Kennedy Jr., your HHS

>> I'm Robert F. Kennedy Jr., your HHS Secretary. This podcast is about telling

Secretary. This podcast is about telling

Secretary. This podcast is about telling the truth, especially when it's

the truth, especially when it's

the truth, especially when it's uncomfortable.

>> I'm uncomfortable already. Uh, I

>> I'm uncomfortable already. Uh, I

>> I'm uncomfortable already. Uh, I I can't think of anyone less suited to

I can't think of anyone less suited to

I can't think of anyone less suited to an audiocentric medium. Uh, although

an audiocentric medium. Uh, although

an audiocentric medium. Uh, although actually maybe that's how they'll make

actually maybe that's how they'll make

actually maybe that's how they'll make money. I mean, DraftKings is going to

money. I mean, DraftKings is going to

money. I mean, DraftKings is going to pay to not have ads on it. I I can't

pay to not have ads on it. I I can't

pay to not have ads on it. I I can't wait for his first guest. The jackhammer

wait for his first guest. The jackhammer

wait for his first guest. The jackhammer outside your apartment building at 6:00

outside your apartment building at 6:00

outside your apartment building at 6:00 a.m.

a.m.

a.m. But what's this podcast about exactly?

But what's this podcast about exactly?

But what's this podcast about exactly? I'm going to ask the questions and lift

I'm going to ask the questions and lift

I'm going to ask the questions and lift the taboos and expose the hypocrisy and

the taboos and expose the hypocrisy and

the taboos and expose the hypocrisy and the conflicts and the corruption.

the conflicts and the corruption.

the conflicts and the corruption. We're going to follow the evidence

We're going to follow the evidence

We're going to follow the evidence wherever it leads and we're going to

wherever it leads and we're going to

wherever it leads and we're going to name the names of the forces that

name the names of the forces that

name the names of the forces that obstruct the path to public health.

obstruct the path to public health.

obstruct the path to public health. Wow. Cool.

Wow. Cool.

Wow. Cool. You're going to talk about the

You're going to talk about the

You're going to talk about the government's problems on a podcast.

government's problems on a podcast.

government's problems on a podcast. That's great. And maybe after you do

That's great. And maybe after you do

That's great. And maybe after you do that, you could, I don't know, maybe

that, you could, I don't know, maybe

that, you could, I don't know, maybe send an email to yourself to fix it cuz

send an email to yourself to fix it cuz

send an email to yourself to fix it cuz cuz you're the government now.

cuz you're the government now.

cuz you're the government now. Remember

Remember

Remember that's that's your job. That's your job.

that's that's your job. That's your job.

that's that's your job. That's your job. What's episode two about? Why are

What's episode two about? Why are

What's episode two about? Why are government employees starting podcasts

government employees starting podcasts

government employees starting podcasts instead of working?

instead of working?

instead of working? I investigate.

And finally, let's turn to Greg

And finally, let's turn to Greg

And finally, let's turn to Greg Phillips, the head of FEMA's Office of

Phillips, the head of FEMA's Office of

Phillips, the head of FEMA's Office of Response and Recovery. Now, in a normal

Response and Recovery. Now, in a normal

Response and Recovery. Now, in a normal administration, we would go the entire

administration, we would go the entire

administration, we would go the entire presidency without ever knowing who's

presidency without ever knowing who's

presidency without ever knowing who's the head of FEMA's office of response

the head of FEMA's office of response

the head of FEMA's office of response and recovery.

and recovery.

and recovery. But, you know, this is Trump, so

But, you know, this is Trump, so

But, you know, this is Trump, so instead, we get like this.

instead, we get like this.

instead, we get like this. >> Greg Phillips, he was on a podcast in

>> Greg Phillips, he was on a podcast in

>> Greg Phillips, he was on a podcast in January of last year during which he

January of last year during which he

January of last year during which he claimed more than once that he's

claimed more than once that he's

claimed more than once that he's teleported, including one time, to a

teleported, including one time, to a

teleported, including one time, to a Waffle House.

Waffle House.

Waffle House. >> Okay, wait. Wait, hang on, everybody.

>> Okay, wait. Wait, hang on, everybody.

>> Okay, wait. Wait, hang on, everybody. Wait, just time out in America.

Wait, just time out in America.

Wait, just time out in America. Give me a timeout here. This dude

Give me a timeout here. This dude

Give me a timeout here. This dude teleported to Waffle House.

teleported to Waffle House.

teleported to Waffle House. Okay, look.

Okay, look.

Okay, look. He must be joking, right? You know, like

He must be joking, right? You know, like

He must be joking, right? You know, like when you tell everyone that you're

when you tell everyone that you're

when you tell everyone that you're Jesus, it's it's just a joke.

Jesus, it's it's just a joke.

Jesus, it's it's just a joke. I was with my boys one time and and I

I was with my boys one time and and I

I was with my boys one time and and I was telling I was going to go to Waffle

was telling I was going to go to Waffle

was telling I was going to go to Waffle House and get Waffle House and and I

House and get Waffle House and and I

House and get Waffle House and and I ended up at a Waffle House. This is in

ended up at a Waffle House. This is in

ended up at a Waffle House. This is in Georgia. And I end up at a Waffle House

Georgia. And I end up at a Waffle House

Georgia. And I end up at a Waffle House like 50 miles away from where I was.

like 50 miles away from where I was.

like 50 miles away from where I was. They said, "Where are you?" I said, "A

They said, "Where are you?" I said, "A

They said, "Where are you?" I said, "A Waffle House." They said, "Waffle House

Waffle House." They said, "Waffle House

Waffle House." They said, "Waffle House where?" And I said, "Waffle House in

where?" And I said, "Waffle House in

where?" And I said, "Waffle House in Rome, Georgia." They said, "That's not

Rome, Georgia." They said, "That's not

Rome, Georgia." They said, "That's not possible. You just left here like a long

possible. You just left here like a long

possible. You just left here like a long way to a go.

Okay. Wow. I I I never thought I'd hear

Okay. Wow. I I I never thought I'd hear

Okay. Wow. I I I never thought I'd hear a boring teleportation story, but

this is this this this guy's like, I

this is this this this guy's like, I

this is this this this guy's like, I told my boys I was going to Waffle

told my boys I was going to Waffle

told my boys I was going to Waffle House, but instead I ended up at a

House, but instead I ended up at a

House, but instead I ended up at a different Waffle House.

different Waffle House.

different Waffle House. universe works in mysterious ways.

You have the power of teleportation, but

You have the power of teleportation, but

You have the power of teleportation, but you use it to go to Waffle House. I

you use it to go to Waffle House. I

you use it to go to Waffle House. I mean,

that's that's

that's like if you invented time travel

that's like if you invented time travel

that's like if you invented time travel and instead of going back in time to

and instead of going back in time to

and instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, you went back in time to

kill Hitler, you went back in time to

kill Hitler, you went back in time to kill the cashier at Waffle House. Surely

kill the cashier at Waffle House. Surely

kill the cashier at Waffle House. Surely there was another place you teleported

there was another place you teleported

there was another place you teleported to besides Waffle House.

to besides Waffle House.

to besides Waffle House. >> I was on the phone. Oh my god, what's

>> I was on the phone. Oh my god, what's

>> I was on the phone. Oh my god, what's happening? And I was and I was landed um

happening? And I was and I was landed um

happening? And I was and I was landed um and um and landed about 40 miles away in

and um and landed about 40 miles away in

and um and landed about 40 miles away in a ditch outside of a Baptist church.

It's It's amazing. Um

It's It's amazing. Um

It's It's amazing. Um teleported Waffle House. a a ditch.

teleported Waffle House. a a ditch.

teleported Waffle House. a a ditch. This guy teleports to all the exact

This guy teleports to all the exact

This guy teleports to all the exact places you end up when you're blackout

places you end up when you're blackout

places you end up when you're blackout drunk.

drunk.

drunk. How that's just incredible. I mean,

Tiger Woods is like, "Yeah, THAT

Tiger Woods is like, "Yeah, THAT

Tiger Woods is like, "Yeah, THAT HAPPENED TO ME, TOO." YEAH. YEAH. I just

HAPPENED TO ME, TOO." YEAH. YEAH. I just

HAPPENED TO ME, TOO." YEAH. YEAH. I just teleported into an upside down car. And

teleported into an upside down car. And

teleported into an upside down car. And here's how crazy this story is. Even

here's how crazy this story is. Even

here's how crazy this story is. Even Donald Trump heard it and was like,

Donald Trump heard it and was like,

Donald Trump heard it and was like, "This is crazy."

"This is crazy."

"This is crazy." >> So CNN's Andrew Kazinski called the

>> So CNN's Andrew Kazinski called the

>> So CNN's Andrew Kazinski called the president to ask about all this. The

president to ask about all this. The

president to ask about all this. The president's first response was quote,

president's first response was quote,

president's first response was quote, "Was he kidding?" When Andrew said, "No,

"Was he kidding?" When Andrew said, "No,

"Was he kidding?" When Andrew said, "No, the president said this quote, I don't

the president said this quote, I don't

the president said this quote, I don't know anything about teleporting. It just

know anything about teleporting. It just

know anything about teleporting. It just sounds a little strange, but I know

sounds a little strange, but I know

sounds a little strange, but I know nothing about teleporting or him, but

nothing about teleporting or him, but

nothing about teleporting or him, but I'll find out about it right now."

I'll find out about it right now."

I'll find out about it right now." The

The

The >> the president is on it.

>> the president is on it.

>> the president is on it. He's Trump's going to find out about it

He's Trump's going to find out about it

He's Trump's going to find out about it right now because because if there's a

right now because because if there's a

right now because because if there's a way to bend the laws of the universe to

way to bend the laws of the universe to

way to bend the laws of the universe to get waffles quickly, Trump will find it.

get waffles quickly, Trump will find it.

get waffles quickly, Trump will find it. Now, you you're probably probably

Now, you you're probably probably

Now, you you're probably probably thinking it would be incredibly

thinking it would be incredibly

thinking it would be incredibly irresponsible to allow this guy to keep

irresponsible to allow this guy to keep

irresponsible to allow this guy to keep working at FEMA. Well, call might Shalom

working at FEMA. Well, call might Shalom

working at FEMA. Well, call might Shalom because here comes a twist that doesn't

because here comes a twist that doesn't

because here comes a twist that doesn't make any sense at all. Despite all of

make any sense at all. Despite all of

make any sense at all. Despite all of this, multiple FEMA officials told us

this, multiple FEMA officials told us

this, multiple FEMA officials told us that his performance had eased some of

that his performance had eased some of

that his performance had eased some of their concerns about his lack of

their concerns about his lack of

their concerns about his lack of experience. One official even described

experience. One official even described

experience. One official even described him as FEMA's best hope, saying they

him as FEMA's best hope, saying they

him as FEMA's best hope, saying they couldn't believe that they were actually

couldn't believe that they were actually

couldn't believe that they were actually saying that.

Look, of course, they like him at work.

Look, of course, they like him at work.

Look, of course, they like him at work. All right, he can go on a waffle run in

All right, he can go on a waffle run in

All right, he can go on a waffle run in seconds.

seconds.

seconds. But that tells you all you need to know

But that tells you all you need to know

But that tells you all you need to know about the Trump administration, okay?

about the Trump administration, okay?

about the Trump administration, okay? The Waffle House teleportation guy might

The Waffle House teleportation guy might

The Waffle House teleportation guy might be the most competent person in FEMA

be the most competent person in FEMA

be the most competent person in FEMA right now.

right now.

right now. So,

we'll see.

we'll see.

we'll see. We'll have to see whether Trump ends up

We'll have to see whether Trump ends up

We'll have to see whether Trump ends up teleporting Greg Phillips to an

teleporting Greg Phillips to an

teleporting Greg Phillips to an unemployment office. In the meantime,

unemployment office. In the meantime,

unemployment office. In the meantime, Waffle House is using his story as part

Waffle House is using his story as part

Waffle House is using his story as part of a new marketing campaign.

of a new marketing campaign.

of a new marketing campaign. >> Here at Waffle House, we've heard a lot

>> Here at Waffle House, we've heard a lot

>> Here at Waffle House, we've heard a lot about FEMA official Greg Phillips

about FEMA official Greg Phillips

about FEMA official Greg Phillips teleporting to one of our locations.

teleporting to one of our locations.

teleporting to one of our locations. Some say he's lying. Some believe them.

Some say he's lying. Some believe them.

Some say he's lying. Some believe them. Our official position is we don't care.

Our official position is we don't care.

Our official position is we don't care. We're Waffle House. You can drive here,

We're Waffle House. You can drive here,

We're Waffle House. You can drive here, teleport here, get thrown off a Zamboni

teleport here, get thrown off a Zamboni

teleport here, get thrown off a Zamboni through the window, unicycle in on

through the window, unicycle in on

through the window, unicycle in on ketamine. As long as you've got $3 in

ketamine. As long as you've got $3 in

ketamine. As long as you've got $3 in loose change, we are happy to have you.

loose change, we are happy to have you.

loose change, we are happy to have you. If we had standards, we wouldn't have

If we had standards, we wouldn't have

If we had standards, we wouldn't have customers. So, teleport on over with

customers. So, teleport on over with

customers. So, teleport on over with clothes, without clothes, whatever. The

clothes, without clothes, whatever. The

clothes, without clothes, whatever. The snobs at McDonald's might say, "No

snobs at McDonald's might say, "No

snobs at McDonald's might say, "No shoes, no shirt, no service." here at

shoes, no shirt, no service." here at

shoes, no shirt, no service." here at Waffle House. That'll make you the

Waffle House. That'll make you the

Waffle House. That'll make you the assistant manager. And remember, we're

assistant manager. And remember, we're

assistant manager. And remember, we're open 24/7, 365. When do we have time to

open 24/7, 365. When do we have time to

open 24/7, 365. When do we have time to clean? You might wonder. Hey, we don't

clean? You might wonder. Hey, we don't

clean? You might wonder. Hey, we don't ask you questions, and you don't ask us

ask you questions, and you don't ask us

ask you questions, and you don't ask us questions either. Where you come from,

questions either. Where you come from,

questions either. Where you come from, how you got here, what you're bleeding

how you got here, what you're bleeding

how you got here, what you're bleeding out of. At Waffle House, your family,

out of. At Waffle House, your family,

out of. At Waffle House, your family, the type of family you get in fist

the type of family you get in fist

the type of family you get in fist fights with.

fights with.

fights with. >> I'm going to kick your ass.

>> I'm going to kick your ass.

>> I'm going to kick your ass. >> Here comes one right now. And from all

>> Here comes one right now. And from all

>> Here comes one right now. And from all of us here at Waffle House, we hope to

of us here at Waffle House, we hope to

of us here at Waffle House, we hope to fist fight you soon. Waffle House. We

fist fight you soon. Waffle House. We

fist fight you soon. Waffle House. We don't care. I DIDN'T KILL YOUR WIFE.