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Hello, I'm velvet tonged carpenter Nick

Hello, I'm velvet tonged carpenter Nick

Hello, I'm velvet tonged carpenter Nick Offerman.

Offerman.

Offerman. Everyone knows it's important to

Everyone knows it's important to

Everyone knows it's important to remember the birthday of the one you

remember the birthday of the one you

remember the birthday of the one you love. And the one I love is America.

love. And the one I love is America.

love. And the one I love is America. Don't worry, my wife Megan knows. And

Don't worry, my wife Megan knows. And

Don't worry, my wife Megan knows. And she's not not into it.

she's not not into it.

she's not not into it. And this year happens to be a

And this year happens to be a

And this year happens to be a particularly big birthday for America.

particularly big birthday for America.

particularly big birthday for America. Communities from sea to shining sea

Communities from sea to shining sea

Communities from sea to shining sea celebrating 250 years since the

celebrating 250 years since the

celebrating 250 years since the Declaration of Independence was signed,

Declaration of Independence was signed,

Declaration of Independence was signed, proclaiming freedom from Great Britain

proclaiming freedom from Great Britain

proclaiming freedom from Great Britain and the birth of a new nation.

and the birth of a new nation.

and the birth of a new nation. >> Happy birthday, AMERICA.

Are you one? Are you two? Are you three?

Are you one? Are you two? Are you three?

Are you one? Are you two? Are you three? And so on.

And so on.

And so on. America's semiquincentennial

America's semiquincentennial

America's semiquincentennial is here. And to throw it semi kinsona, I

is here. And to throw it semi kinsona, I

is here. And to throw it semi kinsona, I hope we have a great party planner.

hope we have a great party planner.

hope we have a great party planner. >> In my campaign for president, I pledged

>> In my campaign for president, I pledged

>> In my campaign for president, I pledged to give America the most spectacular

to give America the most spectacular

to give America the most spectacular birthday party the world has ever seen

birthday party the world has ever seen

birthday party the world has ever seen for America's 250th anniversary.

Okay.

Sure, Trump. Plan the party. It's not

Sure, Trump. Plan the party. It's not

Sure, Trump. Plan the party. It's not like you have anything else going on.

like you have anything else going on.

like you have anything else going on. Gas prices are hovering just below Fury

Gas prices are hovering just below Fury

Gas prices are hovering just below Fury Road levels. But have fun picking out

Road levels. But have fun picking out

Road levels. But have fun picking out the balloons.

the balloons.

the balloons. Hang on. Perhaps I am rushing to

Hang on. Perhaps I am rushing to

Hang on. Perhaps I am rushing to judgment. We can only hope Trump puts as

judgment. We can only hope Trump puts as

judgment. We can only hope Trump puts as much love into America's birthday as he

much love into America's birthday as he

much love into America's birthday as he would for Jeffrey Epstein's.

I abhore the message, but I do

I abhore the message, but I do

I abhore the message, but I do appreciate a handwritten card. Any

appreciate a handwritten card. Any

appreciate a handwritten card. Any can go to Hallmark, but

can go to Hallmark, but

can go to Hallmark, but calligraphy shows you care.

calligraphy shows you care.

calligraphy shows you care. So, how is the president going to show

So, how is the president going to show

So, how is the president going to show us he cares about America?

us he cares about America?

us he cares about America? >> For the first time in American history,

>> For the first time in American history,

>> For the first time in American history, the signature of a sitting president

the signature of a sitting president

the signature of a sitting president will soon be featured on US currency.

will soon be featured on US currency.

will soon be featured on US currency. The Treasury announcing the decision to

The Treasury announcing the decision to

The Treasury announcing the decision to celebrate the nation's 250th birthday

celebrate the nation's 250th birthday

celebrate the nation's 250th birthday this summer, saying President Trump's

this summer, saying President Trump's

this summer, saying President Trump's signature is not only appropriate, but

signature is not only appropriate, but

signature is not only appropriate, but also welld deserved.

also welld deserved.

also welld deserved. signing the dollar bills. But Mr.

signing the dollar bills. But Mr.

signing the dollar bills. But Mr. President, how can you sign them all?

President, how can you sign them all?

President, how can you sign them all? For that, you would need an auto pen.

Fine. He can sign the money. At least

Fine. He can sign the money. At least

Fine. He can sign the money. At least it's just a signature and not his face.

it's just a signature and not his face.

it's just a signature and not his face. >> President Trump's face could soon be on

>> President Trump's face could soon be on

>> President Trump's face could soon be on US money. A commission handpicked by

US money. A commission handpicked by

US money. A commission handpicked by Trump himself has approved the design

Trump himself has approved the design

Trump himself has approved the design for 24 karat gold coin to commemorate

for 24 karat gold coin to commemorate

for 24 karat gold coin to commemorate America's 250th birthday.

America's 250th birthday.

America's 250th birthday. >> Wow. A coin with Donald Trump's face.

>> Wow. A coin with Donald Trump's face.

>> Wow. A coin with Donald Trump's face. Finally, a way to lose the respect of a

Finally, a way to lose the respect of a

Finally, a way to lose the respect of a gumball machine.

gumball machine.

gumball machine. I'm not sure about that coin, but I'm

I'm not sure about that coin, but I'm

I'm not sure about that coin, but I'm really not sure about that pose. He

really not sure about that pose. He

really not sure about that pose. He looks like he's trying to pinch one out

looks like he's trying to pinch one out

looks like he's trying to pinch one out at a standing toilet.

at a standing toilet.

at a standing toilet. But okay, okay, fine. I guess if it's

But okay, okay, fine. I guess if it's

But okay, okay, fine. I guess if it's just one coin.

just one coin.

just one coin. >> The US Treasury is preparing to put

>> The US Treasury is preparing to put

>> The US Treasury is preparing to put President Trump on a $1 coin to

President Trump on a $1 coin to

President Trump on a $1 coin to commemorate America's 250th birthday.

commemorate America's 250th birthday.

commemorate America's 250th birthday. >> Another coin.

>> Another coin.

>> Another coin. Mr. President, can you please stop

Mr. President, can you please stop

Mr. President, can you please stop putting your face on things I keep in my

putting your face on things I keep in my

putting your face on things I keep in my front pocket, inches from my genitals,

front pocket, inches from my genitals,

front pocket, inches from my genitals, as well as my back pocket, inches from

as well as my back pocket, inches from

as well as my back pocket, inches from my butthole.

my butthole.

my butthole. You know, I would have assumed that the

You know, I would have assumed that the

You know, I would have assumed that the party theme for America's birthday would

party theme for America's birthday would

party theme for America's birthday would have been, I don't know, America,

have been, I don't know, America,

have been, I don't know, America, but I'm sensing from the party

but I'm sensing from the party

but I'm sensing from the party decorations that a different theme is

decorations that a different theme is

decorations that a different theme is emerging.

emerging.

emerging. >> The commemorative national park passes

>> The commemorative national park passes

>> The commemorative national park passes for our country's 250th anniversary

for our country's 250th anniversary

for our country's 250th anniversary feature an image of Donald Trump

feature an image of Donald Trump

feature an image of Donald Trump alongside one of George Washington.

alongside one of George Washington.

alongside one of George Washington. >> Oh, come on. Your face on the park

>> Oh, come on. Your face on the park

>> Oh, come on. Your face on the park passes. Hey, I go to national parks to

passes. Hey, I go to national parks to

passes. Hey, I go to national parks to get away from your face

get away from your face

get away from your face and and and

to see those idiot salmon swim in the

to see those idiot salmon swim in the

to see those idiot salmon swim in the wrong direction of the cat. They are so

wrong direction of the cat. They are so

wrong direction of the cat. They are so stupid.

stupid.

stupid. Okay, commemor commemorative coins and

Okay, commemor commemorative coins and

Okay, commemor commemorative coins and park passes will come and go. One day

park passes will come and go. One day

park passes will come and go. One day they'll all be lost to time. At least

they'll all be lost to time. At least

they'll all be lost to time. At least nothing he's doing for America's

nothing he's doing for America's

nothing he's doing for America's birthday is permanent.

birthday is permanent.

birthday is permanent. >> The president is proposing a permanent

>> The president is proposing a permanent

>> The president is proposing a permanent arch in Washington. It's being called

arch in Washington. It's being called

arch in Washington. It's being called the Ark de Trump.

the Ark de Trump.

the Ark de Trump. >> He wants it to be the biggest arch in

>> He wants it to be the biggest arch in

>> He wants it to be the biggest arch in the world, 250 ft tall to honor the

the world, 250 ft tall to honor the

the world, 250 ft tall to honor the country's 250th anniversary.

country's 250th anniversary.

country's 250th anniversary. >> Small, medium, and large. And uh

>> Small, medium, and large. And uh

>> Small, medium, and large. And uh whichever one they look good. I happen

whichever one they look good. I happen

whichever one they look good. I happen to think the large looks by far the

to think the large looks by far the

to think the large looks by far the best.

best.

best. Can he play with his model replicas in

Can he play with his model replicas in

Can he play with his model replicas in the basement like a normal demented

the basement like a normal demented

the basement like a normal demented grandpa?

grandpa?

grandpa? Can we stop with these self arrandising

Can we stop with these self arrandising

Can we stop with these self arrandising celebrations like you're some Roman

celebrations like you're some Roman

celebrations like you're some Roman emperor? What's next? Gladiator fights.

emperor? What's next? Gladiator fights.

emperor? What's next? Gladiator fights. President Trump announced a UFC fight

President Trump announced a UFC fight

President Trump announced a UFC fight will take place at the White House on

will take place at the White House on

will take place at the White House on June 14th.

June 14th.

June 14th. >> This is what it will turn into for UFC

>> This is what it will turn into for UFC

>> This is what it will turn into for UFC with the octagon in the middle.

with the octagon in the middle.

with the octagon in the middle. What in the name of Caligula's

What in the name of Caligula's

What in the name of Caligula's is happening

blood sports for the entertainment of a

blood sports for the entertainment of a

blood sports for the entertainment of a Caesar is not a show of strength. It's

Caesar is not a show of strength. It's

Caesar is not a show of strength. It's literally the first sign of a declining

literally the first sign of a declining

literally the first sign of a declining empire. Number two, of course, is

empire. Number two, of course, is

empire. Number two, of course, is starting a war in Persia. Oh

Look, it's pretty obvious that President

Look, it's pretty obvious that President

Look, it's pretty obvious that President Trump is making this 250th celebration

Trump is making this 250th celebration

Trump is making this 250th celebration about himself, but we can't let him.

about himself, but we can't let him.

about himself, but we can't let him. This is America's birthday. It's not

This is America's birthday. It's not

This is America's birthday. It's not about one man. It's about our country

about one man. It's about our country

about one man. It's about our country and its ideals. So, forget the empty

and its ideals. So, forget the empty

and its ideals. So, forget the empty jingoistic posturing and find your own

jingoistic posturing and find your own

jingoistic posturing and find your own ways to patriotically party down. Go to

ways to patriotically party down. Go to

ways to patriotically party down. Go to historical reenactments or better yet,

historical reenactments or better yet,

historical reenactments or better yet, do your own. If you've never thrown tea

do your own. If you've never thrown tea

do your own. If you've never thrown tea into a harbor, you have not lived.

into a harbor, you have not lived.

into a harbor, you have not lived. Or get into a fist fight with an actual

Or get into a fist fight with an actual

Or get into a fist fight with an actual British person. Dibs on Cumberbatch.

Or hell,

Or hell,

Or hell, forget that. Go into one of those

forget that. Go into one of those

forget that. Go into one of those national parks, celebrate America's

national parks, celebrate America's

national parks, celebrate America's natural beauty, and while you're there,

natural beauty, and while you're there,

natural beauty, and while you're there, get in your birthday suit and partake of

get in your birthday suit and partake of

get in your birthday suit and partake of some tasteful love making with someone

some tasteful love making with someone

some tasteful love making with someone you care about. Dibs on Cumberbatch.

My point is technically you will be

My point is technically you will be

My point is technically you will be having a loving patriotic three-way with

having a loving patriotic three-way with

having a loving patriotic three-way with America and that is how you celebrate a

America and that is how you celebrate a

America and that is how you celebrate a birthday. But that's just my opinion.