Original subtitles

Welcome to the daily show on this

Welcome to the daily show on this

Welcome to the daily show on this beautiful spring day. My name is John.

beautiful spring day. My name is John.

beautiful spring day. My name is John. We have a great show for you tonight, a

We have a great show for you tonight, a

We have a great show for you tonight, a great show. Later on, I'll be talking to

great show. Later on, I'll be talking to

great show. Later on, I'll be talking to uh peace activists Aziz Abu Sarah and

uh peace activists Aziz Abu Sarah and

uh peace activists Aziz Abu Sarah and Meos Inan. They are a Palestinian and an

Meos Inan. They are a Palestinian and an

Meos Inan. They are a Palestinian and an Israeli who traveled their homeland and

Israeli who traveled their homeland and

Israeli who traveled their homeland and uh I assume uh walked into a bar with

uh I assume uh walked into a bar with

uh I assume uh walked into a bar with the Pope.

Honestly, it is an it's an incredible

Honestly, it is an it's an incredible

Honestly, it is an it's an incredible book about two men touched by tragedy

book about two men touched by tragedy

book about two men touched by tragedy who try to rise above this conflict to

who try to rise above this conflict to

who try to rise above this conflict to find reconciliation and healing. It's a

find reconciliation and healing. It's a

find reconciliation and healing. It's a message of compassion shared by many in

message of compassion shared by many in

message of compassion shared by many in the world today, including Chicago born,

the world today, including Chicago born,

the world today, including Chicago born, Villanova educated Pope Leo I 14th.

Let those who have the power to unleash

Let those who have the power to unleash

Let those who have the power to unleash wars choose peace. Not a piece imposed

wars choose peace. Not a piece imposed

wars choose peace. Not a piece imposed by force, but through dialogue.

>> Look who became pope and suddenly became

>> Look who became pope and suddenly became

>> Look who became pope and suddenly became too good for English.

But still a beautiful compassionate

But still a beautiful compassionate

But still a beautiful compassionate message that I cannot imagine anyone

message that I cannot imagine anyone

message that I cannot imagine anyone really

really

really anyone

anyone I can't think of. It does not

anyone I can't think of. It does not

anyone I can't think of. It does not come into my brain that anyone in the

come into my brain that anyone in the

come into my brain that anyone in the world

world

world hearing the Pope's message of peace will

hearing the Pope's message of peace will

hearing the Pope's message of peace will have some kind of a weird problem with

have some kind of a weird problem with

have some kind of a weird problem with it.

it.

it. >> Overnight, President Trump lashing out

>> Overnight, President Trump lashing out

>> Overnight, President Trump lashing out at Pope Leo on Truth Social, calling the

at Pope Leo on Truth Social, calling the

at Pope Leo on Truth Social, calling the first American Pope weak and a loser.

I am really starting to sour on this

I am really starting to sour on this

I am really starting to sour on this president.

A MAN, WHAT IS GOING through Trump's

A MAN, WHAT IS GOING through Trump's

A MAN, WHAT IS GOING through Trump's mind? What what did the what the Pope

mind? What what did the what the Pope

mind? What what did the what the Pope say? HE WANTS WHAT? DIALOGUE, PEACE. He

say? HE WANTS WHAT? DIALOGUE, PEACE. He

say? HE WANTS WHAT? DIALOGUE, PEACE. He wants to choose the noblelest

wants to choose the noblelest

wants to choose the noblelest aspirations of mankind to show humanity

aspirations of mankind to show humanity

aspirations of mankind to show humanity at its greatest articulation.

at its greatest articulation.

at its greatest articulation. That loser,

that guy's a loser.

that guy's a loser.

that guy's a loser. That guy who died and made him Oh, I'm

That guy who died and made him Oh, I'm

That guy who died and made him Oh, I'm sorry.

sorry.

sorry. Oh. Oh, that's who died. Okay. Oh,

Oh. Oh, that's who died. Okay. Oh,

Oh. Oh, that's who died. Okay. Oh, really? There was a vote. White smoke.

really? There was a vote. White smoke.

really? There was a vote. White smoke. Interesting. Fair enough. Interesting.

Interesting. Fair enough. Interesting.

Interesting. Fair enough. Interesting. Hold on. Yeah, I'm gonna have to call

Hold on. Yeah, I'm gonna have to call

Hold on. Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back. Okay.

And look,

And look,

And look, President Trump, I I I know the

President Trump, I I I know the

President Trump, I I I know the Vatican's been critical of your

Vatican's been critical of your

Vatican's been critical of your policies, but you got to remember that

policies, but you got to remember that

policies, but you got to remember that at the end of the day, you and the

at the end of the day, you and the

at the end of the day, you and the Catholic Church both both historically

Catholic Church both both historically

Catholic Church both both historically care deeply about the same thing,

care deeply about the same thing,

care deeply about the same thing, covering up sex scandals.

covering up sex scandals.

covering up sex scandals. You both

By the way, Trump's comments about the

By the way, Trump's comments about the

By the way, Trump's comments about the Pope upset a lot of people of Christian

Pope upset a lot of people of Christian

Pope upset a lot of people of Christian faith. But please don't worry, it gets

faith. But please don't worry, it gets

faith. But please don't worry, it gets worse.

worse.

worse. >> In a separate social media message, the

>> In a separate social media message, the

>> In a separate social media message, the president shared an image of himself in

president shared an image of himself in

president shared an image of himself in a religious scene that appears to depict

a religious scene that appears to depict

a religious scene that appears to depict Trump as Jesus.

>> Oh my god.

Wait, the the guy in the bed. Can I just

Wait, the the guy in the bed. Can I just

Wait, the the guy in the bed. Can I just Are you

Am

am I Okay.

What the

What the

What the Wait, what? How did

Wait, what? How did

Wait, what? How did I I mean, look, I know I don't have the

I I mean, look, I know I don't have the

I I mean, look, I know I don't have the vigor and spunk of my MTV days,

vigor and spunk of my MTV days,

vigor and spunk of my MTV days, but I didn't know we were here already.

but I didn't know we were here already.

but I didn't know we were here already. I didn't realize my look had reached.

I didn't realize my look had reached.

I didn't realize my look had reached. Look.

Look.

Look. leper territory.

I mean,

I mean,

I mean, from the picture, it looks like it was

from the picture, it looks like it was

from the picture, it looks like it was touch and go with me for a while.

But thank God, in my time of need, I was

But thank God, in my time of need, I was

But thank God, in my time of need, I was surrounded by family. Uh,

surrounded by family. Uh,

surrounded by family. Uh, there's my darling wife, Amy Lynn, hands

there's my darling wife, Amy Lynn, hands

there's my darling wife, Amy Lynn, hands clasped in prayer.

clasped in prayer.

clasped in prayer. My brother, Sergeant Chisel Jaw.

My brother, Sergeant Chisel Jaw.

My brother, Sergeant Chisel Jaw. Oh, look in the back. There's There's

Oh, look in the back. There's There's

Oh, look in the back. There's There's Papy Joe.

He and I stormed the capital together,

He and I stormed the capital together,

He and I stormed the capital together, me and Papy Joe.

And up at the top there, there's the

And up at the top there, there's the

And up at the top there, there's the eagle that delivers my mail. And

eagle that delivers my mail. And

eagle that delivers my mail. And apparently the lead singer of Guir is in

apparently the lead singer of Guir is in

apparently the lead singer of Guir is in the middle of there.

the middle of there.

the middle of there. If you look at the just the bottom

If you look at the just the bottom

If you look at the just the bottom there, it looks like there's a just a

there, it looks like there's a just a

there, it looks like there's a just a guy's hand.

guy's hand.

guy's hand. Not mine, just some other guy's hand.

Not mine, just some other guy's hand.

Not mine, just some other guy's hand. Seems to be taking advantage of my

Seems to be taking advantage of my

Seems to be taking advantage of my infirmity to

touch my penis. I don't know why.

This is freaking me the out.

This is freaking me the out.

This is freaking me the out. You know, the whole thing happening

You know, the whole thing happening

You know, the whole thing happening outside the watchful eye of daytime

outside the watchful eye of daytime

outside the watchful eye of daytime fireworks. You know, I'm just glad that

fireworks. You know, I'm just glad that

fireworks. You know, I'm just glad that Jesus Trump brought his healing orb.

By the way, can I tell you my favorite

By the way, can I tell you my favorite

By the way, can I tell you my favorite thing about this picture? Uh, like I

thing about this picture? Uh, like I

thing about this picture? Uh, like I like how there's only so much AI can do.

like how there's only so much AI can do.

like how there's only so much AI can do. Like AI is like, "Look, I can give you

Like AI is like, "Look, I can give you

Like AI is like, "Look, I can give you the fireworks and the healing powers and

the fireworks and the healing powers and

the fireworks and the healing powers and I can make you Jesus, but you weigh what

I can make you Jesus, but you weigh what

I can make you Jesus, but you weigh what you weigh.

you weigh.

you weigh. Sorry. It just is what it is.

Sorry. It just is what it is.

Sorry. It just is what it is. I

I

I I listen, I PLUGGED IN ALL THE

I listen, I PLUGGED IN ALL THE

I listen, I PLUGGED IN ALL THE GIVE ME THE FLAG. MAKE me Jesus. Do the

GIVE ME THE FLAG. MAKE me Jesus. Do the

GIVE ME THE FLAG. MAKE me Jesus. Do the Eagles. And then he was like, "And make

Eagles. And then he was like, "And make

Eagles. And then he was like, "And make me 185." And I'm like, "CAN'T DO IT.

me 185." And I'm like, "CAN'T DO IT.

me 185." And I'm like, "CAN'T DO IT. You're gonna have to be fat Jesus.

You're gonna have to be fat Jesus.

You're gonna have to be fat Jesus. Sorry, CHUBS."

That's me entering the program.

That's me entering the program.

That's me entering the program. Now, apparently, not everyone in the

Now, apparently, not everyone in the

Now, apparently, not everyone in the Christian community took too kindly to

Christian community took too kindly to

Christian community took too kindly to Trump portraying himself this way. And

Trump portraying himself this way. And

Trump portraying himself this way. And the backlash was bad enough that Trump

the backlash was bad enough that Trump

the backlash was bad enough that Trump was forced to come up with his own

was forced to come up with his own

was forced to come up with his own incredibly plausible cover story.

incredibly plausible cover story.

incredibly plausible cover story. >> Mr. President, did you post that picture

>> Mr. President, did you post that picture

>> Mr. President, did you post that picture of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ?

of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ?

of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ? >> Well, it wasn't depicted. It was me. I I

>> Well, it wasn't depicted. It was me. I I

>> Well, it wasn't depicted. It was me. I I did post it and I thought it was me as a

did post it and I thought it was me as a

did post it and I thought it was me as a doctor.

That's you AS A DOCTOR.

That's you AS A DOCTOR.

That's you AS A DOCTOR. OH, I'm sorry. What's this? URGENT CARE.

OH, I'm sorry. What's this? URGENT CARE.

OH, I'm sorry. What's this? URGENT CARE. IS THAT AN URGENT CARE? IS THAT WHAT

IS THAT AN URGENT CARE? IS THAT WHAT

IS THAT AN URGENT CARE? IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?

THAT IS?

THAT IS? WHY DON'T YOU own it, you big push bag?

WHY DON'T YOU own it, you big push bag?

WHY DON'T YOU own it, you big push bag? YOU PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE AS JESUS. YOU

YOU PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE AS JESUS. YOU

YOU PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE AS JESUS. YOU goting called on it and now you're like,

God, do you even care about lying to us

God, do you even care about lying to us

God, do you even care about lying to us anymore? Is it over? IS THIS

anymore? Is it over? IS THIS

anymore? Is it over? IS THIS RELATIONSHIP GONE STILL? YOUR LIES USED

RELATIONSHIP GONE STILL? YOUR LIES USED

RELATIONSHIP GONE STILL? YOUR LIES USED TO HAVE A real spark.

TO HAVE A real spark.

TO HAVE A real spark. THEY'RE EATING THE CATS AND DOGS.

THEY'RE EATING THE CATS AND DOGS.

THEY'RE EATING THE CATS AND DOGS. VENEZUELA stole the 2020 election and

VENEZUELA stole the 2020 election and

VENEZUELA stole the 2020 election and now the best you've got is Oh, was it

now the best you've got is Oh, was it

now the best you've got is Oh, was it Jesus?

Jesus?

Jesus? I'm a doctor.

You need to find your happy place and

You need to find your happy place and

You need to find your happy place and fast. We expect better lies, sir.

fast. We expect better lies, sir.

fast. We expect better lies, sir. And can I just remind you, Mr.

And can I just remind you, Mr.

And can I just remind you, Mr. President, we're in the middle of a

President, we're in the middle of a

President, we're in the middle of a grinding war with Iran. Can you just

grinding war with Iran. Can you just

grinding war with Iran. Can you just address that in a straightforward way

address that in a straightforward way

address that in a straightforward way with the American people without all

with the American people without all

with the American people without all this other weird going on? Can you

this other weird going on? Can you

this other weird going on? Can you just do that once?

just do that once?

just do that once? >> I don't think it gets much more hostile

>> I don't think it gets much more hostile

>> I don't think it gets much more hostile than Iran. They're capable fighters.

than Iran. They're capable fighters.

than Iran. They're capable fighters. They're very tough people. And there are

They're very tough people. And there are

They're very tough people. And there are others like that. You don't mind when

others like that. You don't mind when

others like that. You don't mind when the enemy is weak, but that enemy is

the enemy is weak, but that enemy is

the enemy is weak, but that enemy is strong.

You guys see the rabbit, too, right?

You guys see the rabbit, too, right?

You guys see the rabbit, too, right? I've been I You see it? Oh, thank God.

I've been I You see it? Oh, thank God.

I've been I You see it? Oh, thank God. I'm so glad they see it. You know,

I'm so glad they see it. You know,

I'm so glad they see it. You know, clearly I've been on a lot of leprosy

clearly I've been on a lot of leprosy

clearly I've been on a lot of leprosy meds, so I don't a lot of hallucinations

meds, so I don't a lot of hallucinations

meds, so I don't a lot of hallucinations and By the way, the surreal image

and By the way, the surreal image

and By the way, the surreal image of the president running through his

of the president running through his

of the president running through his cavalcade of grievances next to the

cavalcade of grievances next to the

cavalcade of grievances next to the Easter Bunny was not exclusive to the

Easter Bunny was not exclusive to the

Easter Bunny was not exclusive to the balcony. Poor Peter Contel had to listen

balcony. Poor Peter Contel had to listen

balcony. Poor Peter Contel had to listen to this

to this

to this all day. We've broken every record on

all day. We've broken every record on

all day. We've broken every record on the stock market. We've broken every

the stock market. We've broken every

the stock market. We've broken every record in our military. And we are the

record in our military. And we are the

record in our military. And we are the most respected country anywhere in the

most respected country anywhere in the

most respected country anywhere in the world with the greatest military, Mr.

world with the greatest military, Mr.

world with the greatest military, Mr. Jameson Greer. Have you heard of him?

Jameson Greer. Have you heard of him?

Jameson Greer. Have you heard of him? He's right here. Come on over here. How

He's right here. Come on over here. How

He's right here. Come on over here. How are we doing on trade?

are we doing on trade?

are we doing on trade? >> It's a big country. They can't fight

>> It's a big country. They can't fight

>> It's a big country. They can't fight back. They have no capability. NATO

back. They have no capability. NATO

back. They have no capability. NATO should be ashamed of themselves. This is

should be ashamed of themselves. This is

should be ashamed of themselves. This is about eggs. Eggs.

I'm sorry. THAT'S INSANE.

I'm sorry. THAT'S INSANE.

I'm sorry. THAT'S INSANE. I CAN'T HELP but think that IF JESUS

I CAN'T HELP but think that IF JESUS

I CAN'T HELP but think that IF JESUS CAME BACK TO see the White House Easter

CAME BACK TO see the White House Easter

CAME BACK TO see the White House Easter event, he'd be like, "I think you may

event, he'd be like, "I think you may

event, he'd be like, "I think you may have misunderstood my message."

have misunderstood my message."

have misunderstood my message." At one point, you see where the Easter

At one point, you see where the Easter

At one point, you see where the Easter Bunny got so bad, you're not sure if it

Bunny got so bad, you're not sure if it

Bunny got so bad, you're not sure if it was an episode of The Office.

was an episode of The Office.

was an episode of The Office. >> Did anybody in the egg industry vote for

>> Did anybody in the egg industry vote for

>> Did anybody in the egg industry vote for Kamala? A low IQ. She's a low IQ person.

In the middle of it, the Easter Bunny

In the middle of it, the Easter Bunny

In the middle of it, the Easter Bunny does one of these

He He landed IT AND HIS EYES DON'T MOVE.

He He landed IT AND HIS EYES DON'T MOVE.

He He landed IT AND HIS EYES DON'T MOVE. >> HIS HEAD IS IMMOBILE AND HE STILL LANDED

>> HIS HEAD IS IMMOBILE AND HE STILL LANDED

>> HIS HEAD IS IMMOBILE AND HE STILL LANDED the

You believe this

You believe this

You believe this How up do you have to be for an adult in

How up do you have to be for an adult in

How up do you have to be for an adult in a bunny suit to go, "All right, now I'm

a bunny suit to go, "All right, now I'm

a bunny suit to go, "All right, now I'm embarrassed."

embarrassed."

embarrassed." But back to Iran. If you remember

But back to Iran. If you remember

But back to Iran. If you remember correctly about a WEEK AGO, DONALD TRUMP

correctly about a WEEK AGO, DONALD TRUMP

correctly about a WEEK AGO, DONALD TRUMP had given Iran a deadline to open up the

had given Iran a deadline to open up the

had given Iran a deadline to open up the straight of Hormuz or face the end of

straight of Hormuz or face the end of

straight of Hormuz or face the end of their civilization. And while Iran

their civilization. And while Iran

their civilization. And while Iran neither opened up the straight of horses

neither opened up the straight of horses

neither opened up the straight of horses or face the end of their civilization,

or face the end of their civilization,

or face the end of their civilization, they did agree to a two-e ceasefire and

they did agree to a two-e ceasefire and

they did agree to a two-e ceasefire and to meet in Islamabad Pakistan to talk.

to meet in Islamabad Pakistan to talk.

to meet in Islamabad Pakistan to talk. LET'S GO THERE NOW.

LET'S GO THERE NOW.

LET'S GO THERE NOW. >> The fate of the US Iran war is hanging

>> The fate of the US Iran war is hanging

>> The fate of the US Iran war is hanging in the balance.

in the balance.

in the balance. >> The collective world holding its breath.

>> The collective world holding its breath.

>> The collective world holding its breath. highest stakes talks between the US and

highest stakes talks between the US and

highest stakes talks between the US and Iran in many years

Iran in many years

Iran in many years >> in the balance the lives of millions of

>> in the balance the lives of millions of

>> in the balance the lives of millions of people across the Middle East and the

people across the Middle East and the

people across the Middle East and the fate of the global economy. My god,

fate of the global economy. My god,

fate of the global economy. My god, these negotiations couldn't be more

these negotiations couldn't be more

these negotiations couldn't be more critical. WE'RE GOING TO NEED EVERYBODY.

critical. WE'RE GOING TO NEED EVERYBODY.

critical. WE'RE GOING TO NEED EVERYBODY. BUNNY, PACK YOUR EGGS. WE'RE GOING TO

BUNNY, PACK YOUR EGGS. WE'RE GOING TO

BUNNY, PACK YOUR EGGS. WE'RE GOING TO PAKISTAN.

PAKISTAN.

PAKISTAN. But

But

But what luck for the United States because

what luck for the United States because

what luck for the United States because what Iran might not realize is our

what Iran might not realize is our

what Iran might not realize is our president is the greatest negotiator in

president is the greatest negotiator in

president is the greatest negotiator in the history of his book. We are talking

the history of his book. We are talking

the history of his book. We are talking about this year's recipient of the FIFA

about this year's recipient of the FIFA

about this year's recipient of the FIFA Peace Prize and someing gold thing from

Peace Prize and someing gold thing from

Peace Prize and someing gold thing from Apple. And they don't just give those to

Apple. And they don't just give those to

Apple. And they don't just give those to anyone. I had the inflection wrong. They

anyone. I had the inflection wrong. They

anyone. I had the inflection wrong. They don't give those to anyone.

I would have loved to see those Iran

I would have loved to see those Iran

I would have loved to see those Iran negotiators faces when the formidable

negotiators faces when the formidable

negotiators faces when the formidable negotiator chief Donald Jasfer Trump

negotiator chief Donald Jasfer Trump

negotiator chief Donald Jasfer Trump entered those talks on Saturday in

entered those talks on Saturday in

entered those talks on Saturday in Islamabad.

Islamabad.

Islamabad. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it

Unfortunately, he couldn't make it

Unfortunately, he couldn't make it because I you not, he went to a UFC

because I you not, he went to a UFC

because I you not, he went to a UFC fight with Dana White. Now, before you

fight with Dana White. Now, before you

fight with Dana White. Now, before you criticize the president of the United

criticize the president of the United

criticize the president of the United States for attending a UFC fight around

States for attending a UFC fight around

States for attending a UFC fight around the same time that America and Iran are

the same time that America and Iran are

the same time that America and Iran are locked in high stakes negotiations in

locked in high stakes negotiations in

locked in high stakes negotiations in Islamabad, you do have to understand he

Islamabad, you do have to understand he

Islamabad, you do have to understand he had fantastic seats.

had fantastic seats.

had fantastic seats. Like super close. Like uncomfortably

Like super close. Like uncomfortably

Like super close. Like uncomfortably weird and close.

weird and close.

weird and close. >> You're a beautiful man. Great fight.

>> You're a beautiful man. Great fight.

>> You're a beautiful man. Great fight. Thanks. We'll give you a hug. You look

Thanks. We'll give you a hug. You look

Thanks. We'll give you a hug. You look so good. You're too good-looking to be a

so good. You're too good-looking to be a

so good. You're too good-looking to be a fighter. You are so fighter. Thank you,

fighter. You are so fighter. Thank you,

fighter. You are so fighter. Thank you, man.

>> Hey, uh, one last thing.

>> Hey, uh, one last thing.

>> Hey, uh, one last thing. You wouldn't mind trying on a bunny

You wouldn't mind trying on a bunny

You wouldn't mind trying on a bunny suit, would you? That

Oh, now let's let's see where those eggs

Oh, now let's let's see where those eggs

Oh, now let's let's see where those eggs come out of. Come on.

I I don't really understand Easter. All

I I don't really understand Easter. All

I I don't really understand Easter. All right, but it it's fine. The president

right, but it it's fine. The president

right, but it it's fine. The president didn't need to be an Islamabad. I'm sure

didn't need to be an Islamabad. I'm sure

didn't need to be an Islamabad. I'm sure he can delegate some of the heavy

he can delegate some of the heavy

he can delegate some of the heavy lifting to his accomplished secretary of

lifting to his accomplished secretary of

lifting to his accomplished secretary of state, Marco Rubio, WHO OH IS ALSO AT

state, Marco Rubio, WHO OH IS ALSO AT

state, Marco Rubio, WHO OH IS ALSO AT THE FIGHT. Come on. And by the way, what

THE FIGHT. Come on. And by the way, what

THE FIGHT. Come on. And by the way, what in the pitbull are those hand signals?

in the pitbull are those hand signals?

in the pitbull are those hand signals? No disrespect to Marco repping the 305,

No disrespect to Marco repping the 305,

No disrespect to Marco repping the 305, but if Trump isn't in Islamabad and

but if Trump isn't in Islamabad and

but if Trump isn't in Islamabad and Marco Rubio isn't in Islamabad,

Marco Rubio isn't in Islamabad,

Marco Rubio isn't in Islamabad, who exactly is in Islamabad handling

who exactly is in Islamabad handling

who exactly is in Islamabad handling these extremely delicate negotiations?

these extremely delicate negotiations?

these extremely delicate negotiations? >> Hey guys, good morning. Thanks for

>> Hey guys, good morning. Thanks for

>> Hey guys, good morning. Thanks for coming.

coming.

coming. No.

JANE DOLORES Vance

JANE DOLORES Vance

JANE DOLORES Vance you.

you.

you. World peace depends on chubby face mun.

Well, all right, fine. I remain

Well, all right, fine. I remain

Well, all right, fine. I remain open-minded.

open-minded.

open-minded. Let's set the scene. Obviously, the last

Let's set the scene. Obviously, the last

Let's set the scene. Obviously, the last Iran agreement took the Obama

Iran agreement took the Obama

Iran agreement took the Obama administration 20 months to negotiate,

administration 20 months to negotiate,

administration 20 months to negotiate, and this time there's a wide gap between

and this time there's a wide gap between

and this time there's a wide gap between the US position and the Iranian

the US position and the Iranian

the US position and the Iranian position. The US is asking for an

position. The US is asking for an

position. The US is asking for an unconditional surrender. Iran is asking

unconditional surrender. Iran is asking

unconditional surrender. Iran is asking for control of the Straight of Hormuz,

for control of the Straight of Hormuz,

for control of the Straight of Hormuz, nuclear enrichment, and money. I'm glad

nuclear enrichment, and money. I'm glad

nuclear enrichment, and money. I'm glad the Pakistanis are setting the stage for

the Pakistanis are setting the stage for

the Pakistanis are setting the stage for what will be extensive and grueling

what will be extensive and grueling

what will be extensive and grueling talks.

talks.

talks. >> The host country declaring a national

>> The host country declaring a national

>> The host country declaring a national holiday, implementing a lockdown in the

holiday, implementing a lockdown in the

holiday, implementing a lockdown in the capital of Islamabad. The Pakistani

capital of Islamabad. The Pakistani

capital of Islamabad. The Pakistani government uh welcomed both delegations

government uh welcomed both delegations

government uh welcomed both delegations with flowers as they both got off the

with flowers as they both got off the

with flowers as they both got off the plane.

plane.

plane. >> The building was decked out in branding.

>> The building was decked out in branding.

>> The building was decked out in branding. There were signs that read Islamabad

There were signs that read Islamabad

There were signs that read Islamabad talks. Reporters were offered specially

talks. Reporters were offered specially

talks. Reporters were offered specially branded brewed for peace coffee.

The peace talks have aing signature

The peace talks have aing signature

The peace talks have aing signature cocktail.

cocktail.

cocktail. Are the countries registered?

You know, I apologize. I'm sorry.

You know, I apologize. I'm sorry.

You know, I apologize. I'm sorry. Respect Pakistan for taking this

Respect Pakistan for taking this

Respect Pakistan for taking this seriously and for locking the US and

seriously and for locking the US and

seriously and for locking the US and Iran in for the long haul.

Iran in for the long haul.

Iran in for the long haul. >> US Vice President JD Vance and his

>> US Vice President JD Vance and his

>> US Vice President JD Vance and his delegation are headed home.

>> What?

>> What?

>> What? It's over already. Oh my god. Did JD

It's over already. Oh my god. Did JD

It's over already. Oh my god. Did JD Vance justing nail this in a Did JD

Vance justing nail this in a Did JD

Vance justing nail this in a Did JD Vance just Rubik's Cube World peace just

Vance just Rubik's Cube World peace just

Vance just Rubik's Cube World peace just boom. You know what JD Vance I owe you

boom. You know what JD Vance I owe you

boom. You know what JD Vance I owe you an apology. I thought you were some kind

an apology. I thought you were some kind

an apology. I thought you were some kind of incompetent, unlikable cytoplasmic

of incompetent, unlikable cytoplasmic

of incompetent, unlikable cytoplasmic apparition of a meat bag filled with

apparition of a meat bag filled with

apparition of a meat bag filled with cynical ambition. A cipher whose only

cynical ambition. A cipher whose only

cynical ambition. A cipher whose only principle is devotion to power. But

principle is devotion to power. But

principle is devotion to power. But you're not that at all.

you're not that at all.

you're not that at all. You are a competent, unlikable

You are a competent, unlikable

You are a competent, unlikable cytoplasmic apparition

cytoplasmic apparition

cytoplasmic apparition of a meat bag.

of a meat bag.

of a meat bag. >> US officials say there's no deal

>> US officials say there's no deal

>> US officials say there's no deal following 16 hours of negotiations with

following 16 hours of negotiations with

following 16 hours of negotiations with Iran.

Iran.

Iran. >> Wait, and you didn't even get Wait, you

>> Wait, and you didn't even get Wait, you

>> Wait, and you didn't even get Wait, you went home and didn't even get a deal? It

went home and didn't even get a deal? It

went home and didn't even get a deal? It failed and you just came home that

failed and you just came home that

failed and you just came home that Well, I'm I'm sorry. Don't Don't be too

Well, I'm I'm sorry. Don't Don't be too

Well, I'm I'm sorry. Don't Don't be too hard on yourself. You did give it almost

hard on yourself. You did give it almost

hard on yourself. You did give it almost a day.

a day.

a day. I mean, we all knew that's what it took

I mean, we all knew that's what it took

I mean, we all knew that's what it took to build Rome. Jesus,

to build Rome. Jesus,

to build Rome. Jesus, couldn't you have just thrown down some

couldn't you have just thrown down some

couldn't you have just thrown down some of that peace coffee and pulled an

of that peace coffee and pulled an

of that peace coffee and pulled an allnighter?

allnighter?

allnighter? No. Let's resume in the morning and

No. Let's resume in the morning and

No. Let's resume in the morning and build on some momentum. Just I got to

build on some momentum. Just I got to

build on some momentum. Just I got to go. I don't want to miss euphoria.

At least tell us after all this there

At least tell us after all this there

At least tell us after all this there were some concessions.

were some concessions.

were some concessions. You got the Straight of Hormuz open.

You got the Straight of Hormuz open.

You got the Straight of Hormuz open. >> President Trump announcing today a US

>> President Trump announcing today a US

>> President Trump announcing today a US military blockade of all ships passing

military blockade of all ships passing

military blockade of all ships passing through the Straight of Hormuz.

through the Straight of Hormuz.

through the Straight of Hormuz. >> Wait, no, we're blocking it.

>> Wait, no, we're blocking it.

>> Wait, no, we're blocking it. WHAT KIND OF UP GODFATHER?

WHAT KIND OF UP GODFATHER?

WHAT KIND OF UP GODFATHER? You think you're going to close the

You think you're going to close the

You think you're going to close the straight? No.

straight? No.

straight? No. No, my friend. We're closing the

No, my friend. We're closing the

No, my friend. We're closing the straight.

straight.

straight. You think you can kick me in the balls?

You think you can kick me in the balls?

You think you can kick me in the balls? NO. WATCH THIS.

ARE WE EVER going to get this horror

ARE WE EVER going to get this horror

ARE WE EVER going to get this horror moose straight?

moose straight?

moose straight? >> I'm telling you, man. It's all starting

>> I'm telling you, man. It's all starting

>> I'm telling you, man. It's all starting to fall apart in MAGA World. The whole

to fall apart in MAGA World. The whole

to fall apart in MAGA World. The whole thing spread too thin. Even Trump's

thing spread too thin. Even Trump's

thing spread too thin. Even Trump's overseas allies are in trouble. Victor

overseas allies are in trouble. Victor

overseas allies are in trouble. Victor Orban, one of President Trump's closest

Orban, one of President Trump's closest

Orban, one of President Trump's closest allies in Europe, is facing his toughest

allies in Europe, is facing his toughest

allies in Europe, is facing his toughest challenge as he tries to win a fifth

challenge as he tries to win a fifth

challenge as he tries to win a fifth term as prime minister.

term as prime minister.

term as prime minister. >> Well, then no, no, that shouldn't be a

>> Well, then no, no, that shouldn't be a

>> Well, then no, no, that shouldn't be a problem. We all know Trump is the

problem. We all know Trump is the

problem. We all know Trump is the endorser chief. He shows up to a rally.

endorser chief. He shows up to a rally.

endorser chief. He shows up to a rally. Almost inevitably that person gets

Almost inevitably that person gets

Almost inevitably that person gets elected. Is Trump going to head to

elected. Is Trump going to head to

elected. Is Trump going to head to Hungary to prop up his boy Orban? I

Hungary to prop up his boy Orban? I

Hungary to prop up his boy Orban? I mean, who else could you send?

mean, who else could you send?

mean, who else could you send? >> Hey guys, good morning. NO.

>> YES. APPARENTLY, A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE

>> YES. APPARENTLY, A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE

>> YES. APPARENTLY, A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE JD Vance the bed in Islamabot, HE

JD Vance the bed in Islamabot, HE

JD Vance the bed in Islamabot, HE TOOK A PRACTICE CRAP IN BUDAPEST.

TOOK A PRACTICE CRAP IN BUDAPEST.

TOOK A PRACTICE CRAP IN BUDAPEST. >> JD Vance treated the crowd to a phone

>> JD Vance treated the crowd to a phone

>> JD Vance treated the crowd to a phone call live from Donald Trump. Here's how

call live from Donald Trump. Here's how

call live from Donald Trump. Here's how it all played out.

it all played out.

it all played out. >> I actually had a special guest that

>> I actually had a special guest that

>> I actually had a special guest that asked that I give him a phone call, and

asked that I give him a phone call, and

asked that I give him a phone call, and we'll see. Let's hope he actually

we'll see. Let's hope he actually

we'll see. Let's hope he actually answers, but this is going to be very

answers, but this is going to be very

answers, but this is going to be very embarrassing.

All right.

All right.

All right. >> I'm sorry. The person you were trying to

>> I'm sorry. The person you were trying to

>> I'm sorry. The person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not

reach has a voicemail box that has not

reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet.

been set up yet.

been set up yet. >> Okay.

>> Wow. JD Vance has the same relationship

>> Wow. JD Vance has the same relationship

>> Wow. JD Vance has the same relationship with President Trump that we have with

with President Trump that we have with

with President Trump that we have with Comcast customer service.

Comcast customer service.

Comcast customer service. That's incredible. Can I tell you my

That's incredible. Can I tell you my

That's incredible. Can I tell you my favorite part of the whole thing was the

favorite part of the whole thing was the

favorite part of the whole thing was the sort of uh uh Vegas magician part at the

sort of uh uh Vegas magician part at the

sort of uh uh Vegas magician part at the beginning with the phone. Hey, I've got

beginning with the phone. Hey, I've got

beginning with the phone. Hey, I've got a special friend.

But JD, you flew all the way over there.

But JD, you flew all the way over there.

But JD, you flew all the way over there. Give her another go.

Give her another go.

Give her another go. >> Okay,

>> Okay,

>> Okay, >> try

>> try

>> try >> try one more time.

I get a good signal here. It's ringing.

I get a good signal here. It's ringing.

I get a good signal here. It's ringing. It's progress. Mr. President, you are on

It's progress. Mr. President, you are on

It's progress. Mr. President, you are on with about 5,000 Hungarian patriots and

with about 5,000 Hungarian patriots and

with about 5,000 Hungarian patriots and I think they love you even more than

I think they love you even more than

I think they love you even more than they love Victor Orban.

they love Victor Orban.

they love Victor Orban. >> Oh my god. You ass kissing

>> Oh my god. You ass kissing

>> Oh my god. You ass kissing cytoplasmic blah blah blah. What I said

cytoplasmic blah blah blah. What I said

cytoplasmic blah blah blah. What I said ear God. But you know what? I'm sure

ear God. But you know what? I'm sure

ear God. But you know what? I'm sure that by pulling out the big guns, having

that by pulling out the big guns, having

that by pulling out the big guns, having Donald Trump and JD Vance throw all of

Donald Trump and JD Vance throw all of

Donald Trump and JD Vance throw all of the American power behind Victor Orban

the American power behind Victor Orban

the American power behind Victor Orban is sure to pay dividends. Hungarian

is sure to pay dividends. Hungarian

is sure to pay dividends. Hungarian Prime Minister Victor Orban was voted

Prime Minister Victor Orban was voted

Prime Minister Victor Orban was voted out of power in a massive landslide

and SEAM

be breaking

be breaking

be breaking >> folks.

>> This

This has been a truly year as we

This has been a truly year as we

This has been a truly year as we have all been at the mercy of the

have all been at the mercy of the

have all been at the mercy of the mercurial whims of a megaloman maniacal

mercurial whims of a megaloman maniacal

mercurial whims of a megaloman maniacal man baby and we are tired. The

man baby and we are tired. The

man baby and we are tired. The presidency is supposed to age the

presidency is supposed to age the

presidency is supposed to age the president not the people.

But I'm telling you

But I'm telling you

But I'm telling you there is hope. The air of Donald Trump's

there is hope. The air of Donald Trump's

there is hope. The air of Donald Trump's invincibility is being slowly eroded by

invincibility is being slowly eroded by

invincibility is being slowly eroded by world events and his own heart's ability

world events and his own heart's ability

world events and his own heart's ability to clear liquid from his capillaries.

>> That's why it bunches at the bottom.

But we cannot give in to the sadness. We

But we cannot give in to the sadness. We

But we cannot give in to the sadness. We must embrace these moments of light and

must embrace these moments of light and

must embrace these moments of light and hope and oxygen. Even MAGA is beginning

hope and oxygen. Even MAGA is beginning

hope and oxygen. Even MAGA is beginning to realize the depths of this man's

to realize the depths of this man's

to realize the depths of this man's depravity.

depravity.

depravity. No matter how much we love the person,

No matter how much we love the person,

No matter how much we love the person, he's healing

and

and

and I do appreciate it.

And to the dismay of Donald Trump and

And to the dismay of Donald Trump and

And to the dismay of Donald Trump and his acolytes, an illiberal autocrat who

his acolytes, an illiberal autocrat who

his acolytes, an illiberal autocrat who controlled the media, stacked the

controlled the media, stacked the

controlled the media, stacked the judiciary, and manipulated the electoral

judiciary, and manipulated the electoral

judiciary, and manipulated the electoral process of his country has been crushed

process of his country has been crushed

process of his country has been crushed because the people of Hungary stood up

because the people of Hungary stood up

because the people of Hungary stood up and said, "Fuck this.

>> We must remember these moments of hope."

>> We must remember these moments of hope."

>> We must remember these moments of hope." I'm going to show you something. These

I'm going to show you something. These

I'm going to show you something. These are Hungarians.

are Hungarians.

are Hungarians. It's not where we are right now, but I

It's not where we are right now, but I

It's not where we are right now, but I am starting to believe it is where we

am starting to believe it is where we

am starting to believe it is where we could be soon. Drink in their

could be soon. Drink in their

could be soon. Drink in their jubilation. Take solace and strength

jubilation. Take solace and strength

jubilation. Take solace and strength from their joy. All right, that might be

from their joy. All right, that might be

from their joy. All right, that might be a little much, but you know what? Sure,

a little much, but you know what? Sure,

a little much, but you know what? Sure, it dance like that. And remember, as we

it dance like that. And remember, as we

it dance like that. And remember, as we grind through these next two and a half

grind through these next two and a half

grind through these next two and a half years, it ain't over till the Freddy

years, it ain't over till the Freddy

years, it ain't over till the Freddy Mercury sings.

We'll get there soon.