Original subtitles

Welcome, I'm [cheering] Jimmy, and I'm

Welcome, I'm [cheering] Jimmy, and I'm

Welcome, I'm [cheering] Jimmy, and I'm the host of the show.

the host of the show.

the host of the show. It's very nice. Thank you for coming.

It's very nice. Thank you for coming.

It's very nice. Thank you for coming. Thank you for watching at home. We are

Thank you for watching at home. We are

Thank you for watching at home. We are >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> Relax. We are broadcasting from

>> Relax. We are broadcasting from

>> Relax. We are broadcasting from sunny Los Angeles, California. Always a

sunny Los Angeles, California. Always a

sunny Los Angeles, California. Always a great week. Did you have a good weekend,

great week. Did you have a good weekend,

great week. Did you have a good weekend, Guillermo?

Guillermo?

Guillermo? >> Yes, Jimmy, it was fantastic.

>> Yes, Jimmy, it was fantastic.

>> Yes, Jimmy, it was fantastic. >> you what, I love the weekend. I I but it

>> you what, I love the weekend. I I but it

>> you what, I love the weekend. I I but it almost always goes too fast. But and I'd

almost always goes too fast. But and I'd

almost always goes too fast. But and I'd say almost because this weekend all I

say almost because this weekend all I

say almost because this weekend all I wanted to do was get back to work. Did

wanted to do was get back to work. Did

wanted to do was get back to work. Did you have that feeling at all this

you have that feeling at all this

you have that feeling at all this weekend?

weekend?

weekend? >> No, not really.

>> No, not really.

>> No, not really. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Uh it feels like every Monday now I come

>> Uh it feels like every Monday now I come

>> Uh it feels like every Monday now I come but I say I say the president had his

but I say I say the president had his

but I say I say the president had his most paranoid, untethered, mentally

most paranoid, untethered, mentally

most paranoid, untethered, mentally disconnected weekend yet. And then the

disconnected weekend yet. And then the

disconnected weekend yet. And then the next weekend he tops it. It's

next weekend he tops it. It's

next weekend he tops it. It's incredible. This weekend he started with

incredible. This weekend he started with

incredible. This weekend he started with an old favorite, bashing a music

an old favorite, bashing a music

an old favorite, bashing a music superstar. He did it with a Bad Bunny,

superstar. He did it with a Bad Bunny,

superstar. He did it with a Bad Bunny, he did it with Taylor Swift, and now

he did it with Taylor Swift, and now

he did it with Taylor Swift, and now Bruce Springsteen seems to be poking

Bruce Springsteen seems to be poking

Bruce Springsteen seems to be poking around his ass.

around his ass.

around his ass. And I want to start this by saying I saw

And I want to start this by saying I saw

And I want to start this by saying I saw Bruce Springsteen at the Forum on

Bruce Springsteen at the Forum on

Bruce Springsteen at the Forum on Thursday night. Not only was he great,

Thursday night. Not only was he great,

Thursday night. Not only was he great, he was just absolutely great. He's 76

he was just absolutely great. He's 76

he was just absolutely great. He's 76 years old. He has more energy than Dave

years old. He has more energy than Dave

years old. He has more energy than Dave & Buster's on a Saturday afternoon. He

& Buster's on a Saturday afternoon. He

& Buster's on a Saturday afternoon. He did a like 3-hour show, barely took a

did a like 3-hour show, barely took a

did a like 3-hour show, barely took a breath, 100 miles an hour the whole

breath, 100 miles an hour the whole

breath, 100 miles an hour the whole time, and he looks fantastic. If he

time, and he looks fantastic. If he

time, and he looks fantastic. If he could send your mom one text, the next

could send your mom one text, the next

could send your mom one text, the next day your dad would be looking for a

day your dad would be looking for a

day your dad would be looking for a studio apartment.

studio apartment.

studio apartment. But anyway, there's a war going on. So

But anyway, there's a war going on. So

But anyway, there's a war going on. So naturally our commander-in-chief posted

naturally our commander-in-chief posted

naturally our commander-in-chief posted Bruce Springsteen prior to plastic

Bruce Springsteen prior to plastic

Bruce Springsteen prior to plastic surgery, a photograph that has clearly

surgery, a photograph that has clearly

surgery, a photograph that has clearly been doctored. Clearly to us, I should

been doctored. Clearly to us, I should

been doctored. Clearly to us, I should say, not clearly to him. He has

say, not clearly to him. He has

say, not clearly to him. He has no idea of what's real and what isn't

no idea of what's real and what isn't

no idea of what's real and what isn't real. But beyond that, beyond how scary

real. But beyond that, beyond how scary

real. But beyond that, beyond how scary it is that our president doesn't know

it is that our president doesn't know

it is that our president doesn't know the difference between real and fake,

the difference between real and fake,

the difference between real and fake, beyond how petty and childish this is,

beyond how petty and childish this is,

beyond how petty and childish this is, especially with everything that's going

especially with everything that's going

especially with everything that's going on, how oblivious is this man? Has he

on, how oblivious is this man? Has he

on, how oblivious is this man? Has he looked at himself in the mirror

looked at himself in the mirror

looked at himself in the mirror ever? I mean, imagine being this dumpy,

ever? I mean, imagine being this dumpy,

ever? I mean, imagine being this dumpy, blotchy glob of

blotchy glob of

blotchy glob of >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> overcooked yams hobbling out [cheering]

>> overcooked yams hobbling out [cheering]

>> overcooked yams hobbling out [cheering] OF THE BATHTUB.

OF THE BATHTUB.

OF THE BATHTUB. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> YOU SMELL LIKE ointment [cheering] and

>> YOU SMELL LIKE ointment [cheering] and

>> YOU SMELL LIKE ointment [cheering] and and chicken and pee. You barely make it

and chicken and pee. You barely make it

and chicken and pee. You barely make it to the toilet. You sit down, you post

to the toilet. You sit down, you post

to the toilet. You sit down, you post that that Bruce Springsteen looks bad.

that that Bruce Springsteen looks bad.

that that Bruce Springsteen looks bad. Implying that Bruce had plastic surgery

Implying that Bruce had plastic surgery

Implying that Bruce had plastic surgery while every weird rich person downstairs

while every weird rich person downstairs

while every weird rich person downstairs at Mar-a-Lago is walking around with

at Mar-a-Lago is walking around with

at Mar-a-Lago is walking around with more plastic in them than a sea turtle's

more plastic in them than a sea turtle's

more plastic in them than a sea turtle's stomach.

stomach.

stomach. And this is how out of it he is. And

And this is how out of it he is. And

And this is how out of it he is. And then I guess Bruce wasn't enough because

then I guess Bruce wasn't enough because

then I guess Bruce wasn't enough because a few hours later he moved on

a few hours later he moved on

a few hours later he moved on to the Pope.

to the Pope.

to the Pope. That's right.

That's right.

That's right. Oh, you didn't hear? That's right.

Oh, you didn't hear? That's right.

Oh, you didn't hear? That's right. He posted He begins with Pope Leo is

He posted He begins with Pope Leo is

He posted He begins with Pope Leo is weak on crime.

weak on crime.

weak on crime. I should just stop right there because

I should just stop right there because

I should just stop right there because seriously, when I read this I couldn't

seriously, when I read this I couldn't

seriously, when I read this I couldn't stop laughing. I was just like I had to

stop laughing. I was just like I had to

stop laughing. I was just like I had to take a break six words into it

take a break six words into it

take a break six words into it to laugh because it's so nuts. The whole

to laugh because it's so nuts. The whole

to laugh because it's so nuts. The whole post is just nuts. You know, the Pope's

post is just nuts. You know, the Pope's

post is just nuts. You know, the Pope's brother, we learned during the poping

brother, we learned during the poping

brother, we learned during the poping process, voted for Trump. So Trump

process, voted for Trump. So Trump

process, voted for Trump. So Trump wrote, "I like his brother Louis much

wrote, "I like his brother Louis much

wrote, "I like his brother Louis much better than I like him

better than I like him

better than I like him because Louis is all MAGA. He gets it

because Louis is all MAGA. He gets it

because Louis is all MAGA. He gets it and Leo doesn't. Leo should be thankful

and Leo doesn't. Leo should be thankful

and Leo doesn't. Leo should be thankful because as everyone knows he was a

because as everyone knows he was a

because as everyone knows he was a shocking surprise. He wasn't on any list

shocking surprise. He wasn't on any list

shocking surprise. He wasn't on any list to be Pope and was only put there by the

to be Pope and was only put there by the

to be Pope and was only put there by the church because he was an American and

church because he was an American and

church because he was an American and they thought that would be the best way

they thought that would be the best way

they thought that would be the best way to deal with President Donald J. Trump."

to deal with President Donald J. Trump."

to deal with President Donald J. Trump." As if that's a compliment. "If I wasn't

As if that's a compliment. "If I wasn't

As if that's a compliment. "If I wasn't in the White House, Leo wouldn't be in

in the White House, Leo wouldn't be in

in the White House, Leo wouldn't be in the Vatican." There you go. You know

the Vatican." There you go. You know

the Vatican." There you go. You know that white smoke they you see when they

that white smoke they you see when they

that white smoke they you see when they pick a new

pick a new

pick a new >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> He couldn't help he had to blow it right

>> He couldn't help he had to blow it right

>> He couldn't help he had to blow it right up his own

up his own

up his own >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> He insulted [applause] the Pope

>> He insulted [applause] the Pope

>> He insulted [applause] the Pope ON A SUNDAY.

ON A SUNDAY.

ON A SUNDAY. WE HAVE A FIGHT BETWEEN THE president

WE HAVE A FIGHT BETWEEN THE president

WE HAVE A FIGHT BETWEEN THE president and the Pope. The world has become a

and the Pope. The world has become a

and the Pope. The world has become a real-life episode of South Park.

real-life episode of South Park.

real-life episode of South Park. He attacked Pope Leo on Truth Social.

He attacked Pope Leo on Truth Social.

He attacked Pope Leo on Truth Social. I don't think he's doing a very good

I don't think he's doing a very good

I don't think he's doing a very good job. He likes crime, I guess. WHAT DOES

job. He likes crime, I guess. WHAT DOES

job. He likes crime, I guess. WHAT DOES A

A

A POPE HAVE TO DO with crime? He's He's

POPE HAVE TO DO with crime? He's He's

POPE HAVE TO DO with crime? He's He's not Batman, he's the Pope.

not Batman, he's the Pope.

not Batman, he's the Pope. This is what happens when you sell

This is what happens when you sell

This is what happens when you sell Bibles instead of reading them. AND THEN

Bibles instead of reading them. AND THEN

Bibles instead of reading them. AND THEN >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> OH, BUT WAIT.

>> OH, BUT WAIT.

>> OH, BUT WAIT. LESS THAN AN HOUR after that he posts an

LESS THAN AN HOUR after that he posts an

LESS THAN AN HOUR after that he posts an AI-generated image of himself as Jesus.

AI-generated image of himself as Jesus.

AI-generated image of himself as Jesus. Now

Now

Now this is an absolutely bananas thing for

this is an absolutely bananas thing for

this is an absolutely bananas thing for anyone to post, let alone the president.

anyone to post, let alone the president.

anyone to post, let alone the president. But let's go through it because how do

But let's go through it because how do

But let's go through it because how do maybe we're missing something here.

maybe we're missing something here.

maybe we're missing something here. Okay, the first problem I see is his his

Okay, the first problem I see is his his

Okay, the first problem I see is his his hands are normal size. So that's not

hands are normal size. So that's not

hands are normal size. So that's not realistic.

realistic.

realistic. Then we have the planes which are

Then we have the planes which are

Then we have the planes which are fighter jets,

fighter jets,

fighter jets, the F-16s of peace, if you will. Above

the F-16s of peace, if you will. Above

the F-16s of peace, if you will. Above him there's some kind of Demogorgon from

him there's some kind of Demogorgon from

him there's some kind of Demogorgon from Stranger Things.

Stranger Things.

Stranger Things. Two soldier four soldiers on the side.

Two soldier four soldiers on the side.

Two soldier four soldiers on the side. Maybe the weirdest detail, the man

Maybe the weirdest detail, the man

Maybe the weirdest detail, the man Donald Jesus Trump is healing looks a

Donald Jesus Trump is healing looks a

Donald Jesus Trump is healing looks a whole lot like Jeffrey Epstein.

>> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> Even AI can't keep him from his BF Jeff.

>> Even AI can't keep him from his BF Jeff.

>> Even AI can't keep him from his BF Jeff. And

And

And Now this little detour into Messiah

Now this little detour into Messiah

Now this little detour into Messiah status did not get Trump the reaction he

status did not get Trump the reaction he

status did not get Trump the reaction he was hoping for from the Christian

was hoping for from the Christian

was hoping for from the Christian community. Overall, they're not on board

community. Overall, they're not on board

community. Overall, they're not on board with the whole false idols thing and

with the whole false idols thing and

with the whole false idols thing and there there a lot of people were upset.

there there a lot of people were upset.

there there a lot of people were upset. So Trump or his team deleted the post,

So Trump or his team deleted the post,

So Trump or his team deleted the post, which is notable because his account

which is notable because his account

which is notable because his account almost never deletes his crazy post.

almost never deletes his crazy post.

almost never deletes his crazy post. Last week when he threatened to kill a

Last week when he threatened to kill a

Last week when he threatened to kill a civilization, that's still up. The Jesus

civilization, that's still up. The Jesus

civilization, that's still up. The Jesus post is down. So you know this one was

post is down. So you know this one was

post is down. So you know this one was trouble. And then reporters got a hold

trouble. And then reporters got a hold

trouble. And then reporters got a hold of the Pope who was headed to Algeria

of the Pope who was headed to Algeria

of the Pope who was headed to Algeria and asked him to respond to the

and asked him to respond to the

and asked him to respond to the president's attack. I do not look at my

president's attack. I do not look at my

president's attack. I do not look at my role as being political politician. I

role as being political politician. I

role as being political politician. I don't want to get into a debate with

don't want to get into a debate with

don't want to get into a debate with him. I don't think that the message of

him. I don't think that the message of

him. I don't think that the message of the gospel meant to be abused in the way

the gospel meant to be abused in the way

the gospel meant to be abused in the way that some people are doing. And and I

that some people are doing. And and I

that some people are doing. And and I will continue to speak out loudly

will continue to speak out loudly

will continue to speak out loudly against war, looking to promote peace,

against war, looking to promote peace,

against war, looking to promote peace, promoting dialogue and multilateral

promoting dialogue and multilateral

promoting dialogue and multilateral relationships among the states to look

relationships among the states to look

relationships among the states to look for just solutions to the problems. Too

for just solutions to the problems. Too

for just solutions to the problems. Too many people are suffering in the world

many people are suffering in the world

many people are suffering in the world today, too many innocent people are

today, too many innocent people are

today, too many innocent people are being killed, and I think someone has to

being killed, and I think someone has to

being killed, and I think someone has to stand up and say there's a better way to

stand up and say there's a better way to

stand up and say there's a better way to figure it out. Neither the Trump

figure it out. Neither the Trump

figure it out. Neither the Trump Captain, reminding you that you can earn

Captain, reminding you that you can earn

Captain, reminding you that you can earn 50,000 bonus miles when you sign up for

50,000 bonus miles when you sign up for

50,000 bonus miles when you sign up for a Southwest Rapid Rewards Premier credit

a Southwest Rapid Rewards Premier credit

a Southwest Rapid Rewards Premier credit card today. Extra miles mean extra

card today. Extra miles mean extra

card today. Extra miles mean extra smiles. Ask your flight attendant for

smiles. Ask your flight attendant for

smiles. Ask your flight attendant for more details.

more details.

more details. Foreign policy is Oh my god, even the

Foreign policy is Oh my god, even the

Foreign policy is Oh my god, even the Pope has to endure those commercials?

Pope has to endure those commercials?

Pope has to endure those commercials? >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> As far as I'm concerned, there's only

>> As far as I'm concerned, there's only

>> As far as I'm concerned, there's only one way to settle this and that is on

one way to settle this and that is on

one way to settle this and that is on June 14th, the Pope versus the president

June 14th, the Pope versus the president

June 14th, the Pope versus the president in the octagon on the White House lawn.

in the octagon on the White House lawn.

in the octagon on the White House lawn. That card could use some star power, why

That card could use some star power, why

That card could use some star power, why not? Today at the White House they had a

not? Today at the White House they had a

not? Today at the White House they had a no taxes on tips event with the tax day

no taxes on tips event with the tax day

no taxes on tips event with the tax day on Wednesday. They want to take credit

on Wednesday. They want to take credit

on Wednesday. They want to take credit for this no tax on tips thing. So they

for this no tax on tips thing. So they

for this no tax on tips thing. So they ordered a bunch of McDonald's to come to

ordered a bunch of McDonald's to come to

ordered a bunch of McDonald's to come to the Oval Office and they had the

the Oval Office and they had the

the Oval Office and they had the McDonald's delivered by a woman who

McDonald's delivered by a woman who

McDonald's delivered by a woman who calls herself the DoorDash Grandma. That

calls herself the DoorDash Grandma. That

calls herself the DoorDash Grandma. That is her. They brought her there to talk

is her. They brought her there to talk

is her. They brought her there to talk about how great it is that she doesn't

about how great it is that she doesn't

about how great it is that she doesn't have to pay tax on tips. And because our

have to pay tax on tips. And because our

have to pay tax on tips. And because our president is desperate for approval of

president is desperate for approval of

president is desperate for approval of every kind from any person and and then

every kind from any person and and then

every kind from any person and and then they had her weigh in on some other

they had her weigh in on some other

they had her weigh in on some other stuff, too. The Democrats,

stuff, too. The Democrats,

stuff, too. The Democrats, they cheat.

they cheat.

they cheat. They can't get elected with their

They can't get elected with their

They can't get elected with their policies. So their policy is no good. Uh

policies. So their policy is no good. Uh

policies. So their policy is no good. Uh they want to have uh

they want to have uh

they want to have uh I mean, open borders. They want to have

I mean, open borders. They want to have

I mean, open borders. They want to have men playing in women's sports. Do you

men playing in women's sports. Do you

men playing in women's sports. Do you think that men should play in women's

think that men should play in women's

think that men should play in women's sports?

sports?

sports? I really don't have an opinion on that.

I really don't have an opinion on that.

I really don't have an opinion on that. >> You don't? I'll bet you do.

>> You don't? I'll bet you do.

>> You don't? I'll bet you do. >> No, I I'm here about

>> No, I I'm here about

>> No, I I'm here about my tax on tips.

Oh, well, you know what? Somebody's

Oh, well, you know what? Somebody's

Oh, well, you know what? Somebody's getting a one-star review.

getting a one-star review.

getting a one-star review. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> Well, then they brought up the reporters

>> Well, then they brought up the reporters

>> Well, then they brought up the reporters brought up the Jesus picture and this is

brought up the Jesus picture and this is

brought up the Jesus picture and this is why on top of being reckless and a liar

why on top of being reckless and a liar

why on top of being reckless and a liar and just ridiculous in general, Trump is

and just ridiculous in general, Trump is

and just ridiculous in general, Trump is also a coward. Mr. President, did you

also a coward. Mr. President, did you

also a coward. Mr. President, did you post that picture of yourself depicted

post that picture of yourself depicted

post that picture of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ? Well, it wasn't a

as Jesus Christ? Well, it wasn't a

as Jesus Christ? Well, it wasn't a picture, it was me. I I did post it and

picture, it was me. I I did post it and

picture, it was me. I I did post it and I thought it was me as a doctor.

I thought it was me as a doctor.

I thought it was me as a doctor. And it had to do with Red Cross as a Red

And it had to do with Red Cross as a Red

And it had to do with Red Cross as a Red Cross worker there, which we support.

Cross worker there, which we support.

Cross worker there, which we support. And uh

And uh

And uh only the fake news could come up with

only the fake news could come up with

only the fake news could come up with that one, sir. I

that one, sir. I

that one, sir. I I had uh

I had uh

I had uh I just heard about it and I said, "How

I just heard about it and I said, "How

I just heard about it and I said, "How did they come up with that?" It's

did they come up with that?" It's

did they come up with that?" It's supposed to be me as a doctor making

supposed to be me as a doctor making

supposed to be me as a doctor making people better. Oh, now it makes sense.

people better. Oh, now it makes sense.

people better. Oh, now it makes sense. I'm sorry. I

I'm sorry. I

I'm sorry. I It was supposed to be him as a doctor,

It was supposed to be him as a doctor,

It was supposed to be him as a doctor, >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> not Jesus. He's a doctor in a robe. It

>> not Jesus. He's a doctor in a robe. It

>> not Jesus. He's a doctor in a robe. It was our mistake. Let's look at that

was our mistake. Let's look at that

was our mistake. Let's look at that picture again if we could. Oh, yeah,

picture again if we could. Oh, yeah,

picture again if we could. Oh, yeah, there you go. Now I am

there you go. Now I am

there you go. Now I am It's a doctor. It's Dr. Jesus is what it

It's a doctor. It's Dr. Jesus is what it

It's a doctor. It's Dr. Jesus is what it is.

is.

is. I don't know which is more offensive,

I don't know which is more offensive,

I don't know which is more offensive, how dumb he is or how dumb he thinks we

how dumb he is or how dumb he thinks we

how dumb he is or how dumb he thinks we are, but poor DoorDash Grandma, who by

are, but poor DoorDash Grandma, who by

are, but poor DoorDash Grandma, who by the way delivers for DoorDash so she can

the way delivers for DoorDash so she can

the way delivers for DoorDash so she can afford to pay for her husband's cancer

afford to pay for her husband's cancer

afford to pay for her husband's cancer treatment, which should be covered by

treatment, which should be covered by

treatment, which should be covered by some kind of health insurance, uh was

some kind of health insurance, uh was

some kind of health insurance, uh was asked probably

asked probably

asked probably >> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering] >> maybe

>> maybe

>> maybe the most important question of the day.

the most important question of the day.

the most important question of the day. Are the White House conspiracies, do you

Are the White House conspiracies, do you

Are the White House conspiracies, do you know? Um

know? Um

know? Um Wait.

Wait.

Wait. Are you a conspiracy

Are you a conspiracy

Are you a conspiracy Yes, very.

Yes, very.

Yes, very. Mr. President, can I ask you something

Mr. President, can I ask you something

Mr. President, can I ask you something about the

about the

about the >> Excuse me. Thank you. You reminded me.

>> Excuse me. Thank you. You reminded me.

>> Excuse me. Thank you. You reminded me. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> I just happen to have a crisp $100 bill

>> I just happen to have a crisp $100 bill

>> I just happen to have a crisp $100 bill in my suit. Wait.

in my suit. Wait.

in my suit. Wait. Even the way he tips is weird. Let's

Even the way he tips is weird. Let's

Even the way he tips is weird. Let's watch that again in slow motion. He

watch that again in slow motion. He

watch that again in slow motion. He goes, "You like Oh, money. I see it.

goes, "You like Oh, money. I see it.

goes, "You like Oh, money. I see it. There it goes."

There it goes."

There it goes." That's for you, lady.

That's for you, lady.

That's for you, lady. It's like the first tip he ever gave.

It's like the first tip he ever gave.

It's like the first tip he ever gave. Feels good though, right? Do it again.

Feels good though, right? Do it again.

Feels good though, right? Do it again. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> And then we have that war he started and

>> And then we have that war he started and

>> And then we have that war he started and left for everyone else to clean up. "We

left for everyone else to clean up. "We

left for everyone else to clean up. "We do not have a deal with Iran." He sent

do not have a deal with Iran." He sent

do not have a deal with Iran." He sent J.D. Vance to Pakistan for talks over

J.D. Vance to Pakistan for talks over

J.D. Vance to Pakistan for talks over the weekend that completely fell apart.

the weekend that completely fell apart.

the weekend that completely fell apart. So in response to those failed

So in response to those failed

So in response to those failed negotiations, Trump announced a blockade

negotiations, Trump announced a blockade

negotiations, Trump announced a blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, which as you

of the Strait of Hormuz, which as you

of the Strait of Hormuz, which as you know is already blockaded by Iran. He is

know is already blockaded by Iran. He is

know is already blockaded by Iran. He is establishing a blockade on a strait he

establishing a blockade on a strait he

establishing a blockade on a strait he wants open and if that doesn't work he's

wants open and if that doesn't work he's

wants open and if that doesn't work he's going to bomb Mar-a-Lago. So but two

going to bomb Mar-a-Lago. So but two

going to bomb Mar-a-Lago. So but two weeks ago he was screaming open the

weeks ago he was screaming open the

weeks ago he was screaming open the effing strait, now he's closing the

effing strait, now he's closing the

effing strait, now he's closing the effing strait. He can't even keep the

effing strait. He can't even keep the

effing strait. He can't even keep the effing strait Effing straight.

effing strait Effing straight.

effing strait Effing straight. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> I mean

>> I mean

>> I mean >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> and

>> and

>> and and it's still it's

and it's still it's

and it's still it's it's unclear how they're going to

it's unclear how they're going to

it's unclear how they're going to resolve this. Usually when Trump needs a

resolve this. Usually when Trump needs a

resolve this. Usually when Trump needs a way out of a military conflict, he gets

way out of a military conflict, he gets

way out of a military conflict, he gets a note from his father's podiatrist, but

a note from his father's podiatrist, but

a note from his father's podiatrist, but he's that guy's dead now. But fear not,

he's that guy's dead now. But fear not,

he's that guy's dead now. But fear not, according to the president, it doesn't

according to the president, it doesn't

according to the president, it doesn't matter if we're winning this war or not,

matter if we're winning this war or not,

matter if we're winning this war or not, cuz we already won it. Let's see what

cuz we already won it. Let's see what

cuz we already won it. Let's see what happens. Look, regardless

happens. Look, regardless

happens. Look, regardless uh we win. Regardless what happened, we

uh we win. Regardless what happened, we

uh we win. Regardless what happened, we win.

win.

win. Uh we

Uh we

Uh we totally defeated that country.

totally defeated that country.

totally defeated that country. And so let's see what happens. Maybe

And so let's see what happens. Maybe

And so let's see what happens. Maybe they make a deal, maybe they don't.

they make a deal, maybe they don't.

they make a deal, maybe they don't. We win regardless. We've defeated them

We win regardless. We've defeated them

We win regardless. We've defeated them militarily. Whether we make a deal or

militarily. Whether we make a deal or

militarily. Whether we make a deal or not, makes no DIFFERENCE TO ME.

not, makes no DIFFERENCE TO ME.

not, makes no DIFFERENCE TO ME. AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE WE'VE WON.

AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE WE'VE WON.

AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE WE'VE WON. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> WHAT HE IS

>> WHAT HE IS

>> WHAT HE IS IF YOU SAY we win or we won enough

IF YOU SAY we win or we won enough

IF YOU SAY we win or we won enough times, it makes it true and you won. And

times, it makes it true and you won. And

times, it makes it true and you won. And while Jared was in Pakistan negotiating,

while Jared was in Pakistan negotiating,

while Jared was in Pakistan negotiating, uh Trump went to a UFC fight in Miami,

uh Trump went to a UFC fight in Miami,

uh Trump went to a UFC fight in Miami, where he drooled all over a fighter

where he drooled all over a fighter

where he drooled all over a fighter named Paulo Costa.

named Paulo Costa.

named Paulo Costa. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. What do you want to do in all of that

What do you want to do in all of that

What do you want to do in all of that Mexico or what, you know?

Mexico or what, you know?

Mexico or what, you know? You're a beautiful guy. Great fighter.

You're a beautiful guy. Great fighter.

You're a beautiful guy. Great fighter. Yes.

Yes.

Yes. What do you want to do more than you

What do you want to do more than you

What do you want to do more than you don't win any fight? I'll give you a hug

don't win any fight? I'll give you a hug

don't win any fight? I'll give you a hug and you look so good. You're too good

and you look so good. You're too good

and you look so good. You're too good looking to be a fighter. You are some

looking to be a fighter. You are some

looking to be a fighter. You are some fighter.

Somebody may have binged Heated Rivalry

Somebody may have binged Heated Rivalry

Somebody may have binged Heated Rivalry on Air Force One.

on Air Force One.

on Air Force One. And you are sweaty.

And you are sweaty.

And you are sweaty. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> You want to take a shower on my plane?

>> You want to take a shower on my plane?

>> You want to take a shower on my plane? And it wasn't just a UFC fight this

And it wasn't just a UFC fight this

And it wasn't just a UFC fight this weekend. Trump also carved out some time

weekend. Trump also carved out some time

weekend. Trump also carved out some time to hit the links and hit on women.

to hit the links and hit on women.

to hit the links and hit on women. She's in great shape.

She's in great shape.

She's in great shape. Great shape. Look at her. YOU WANT A

Great shape. Look at her. YOU WANT A

Great shape. Look at her. YOU WANT A PICTURE?

COME ON OVER HERE.

COME ON OVER HERE.

COME ON OVER HERE. IS SHE IN GOOD SHAPE OR WHAT?

Uh you're all members, right? Come on,

Uh you're all members, right? Come on,

Uh you're all members, right? Come on, let's go.

let's go.

let's go. >> Yes, sir.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Yes, sir. >> your husband? Uh and she was never seen

>> your husband? Uh and she was never seen

>> your husband? Uh and she was never seen again. What goes on?

again. What goes on?

again. What goes on? We have thousands of soldiers at war

We have thousands of soldiers at war

We have thousands of soldiers at war right now. His peace talks went nowhere.

right now. His peace talks went nowhere.

right now. His peace talks went nowhere. He's out golfing again. An attractive

He's out golfing again. An attractive

He's out golfing again. An attractive woman just runs up to his cart. I don't

woman just runs up to his cart. I don't

woman just runs up to his cart. I don't know what the Secret Service thinks. He

know what the Secret Service thinks. He

know what the Secret Service thinks. He checks her out. He pulls over, fixes

checks her out. He pulls over, fixes

checks her out. He pulls over, fixes He's as horny as a mountain goat. He

He's as horny as a mountain goat. He

He's as horny as a mountain goat. He gets off that thing.

gets off that thing.

gets off that thing. Says she's in great shape three times.

Says she's in great shape three times.

Says she's in great shape three times. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Leaves the kid in the cart to go give

>> Leaves the kid in the cart to go give

>> Leaves the kid in the cart to go give her a squeeze. And by the way, the child

her a squeeze. And by the way, the child

her a squeeze. And by the way, the child riding with him is his grandson, Donald

riding with him is his grandson, Donald

riding with him is his grandson, Donald Trump the third. Donald Trump the third

Trump the third. Donald Trump the third

Trump the third. Donald Trump the third and Donald Trump the turd take

and Donald Trump the turd take

and Donald Trump the turd take >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> taking some swings on the links.

>> taking some swings on the links.

>> taking some swings on the links. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> I'm trying to imagine my grandpa doing

>> I'm trying to imagine my grandpa doing

>> I'm trying to imagine my grandpa doing that, and the image is not coming up.

that, and the image is not coming up.

that, and the image is not coming up. Oh, and then he slipped into the golf

Oh, and then he slipped into the golf

Oh, and then he slipped into the golf course dining room to meet up with

course dining room to meet up with

course dining room to meet up with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who when

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who when

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who when he Trump sat down next, he gave him a

he Trump sat down next, he gave him a

he Trump sat down next, he gave him a little kiss on the cheek.

little kiss on the cheek.

little kiss on the cheek. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> It's legal in Florida because they're

>> It's legal in Florida because they're

>> It's legal in Florida because they're cousins.

cousins.

cousins. And Melania doesn't mind at all. It's

And Melania doesn't mind at all. It's

And Melania doesn't mind at all. It's been 4 days now since the first lady

been 4 days now since the first lady

been 4 days now since the first lady shocked the world and went in front of

shocked the world and went in front of

shocked the world and went in front of the camera to distance herself from the

the camera to distance herself from the

the camera to distance herself from the Trump-Epstein files. Originally, Trump

Trump-Epstein files. Originally, Trump

Trump-Epstein files. Originally, Trump said he didn't know his wife was making

said he didn't know his wife was making

said he didn't know his wife was making a statement, but a spokesperson for the

a statement, but a spokesperson for the

a statement, but a spokesperson for the first lady said Trump was told she was

first lady said Trump was told she was

first lady said Trump was told she was going to make a statement. So then the

going to make a statement. So then the

going to make a statement. So then the report said that her spokesperson

report said that her spokesperson

report said that her spokesperson updated the statement to say it was

updated the statement to say it was

updated the statement to say it was unclear if he knew what Melania would be

unclear if he knew what Melania would be

unclear if he knew what Melania would be making a statement about. And now we It

making a statement about. And now we It

making a statement about. And now we It would all be so much easier if Trump and

would all be so much easier if Trump and

would all be so much easier if Trump and Melania had each other's phone numbers,

Melania had each other's phone numbers,

Melania had each other's phone numbers, but

but

but >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> there are a lot of theories online as to

>> there are a lot of theories online as to

>> there are a lot of theories online as to why Melania suddenly disavowed her ties

why Melania suddenly disavowed her ties

why Melania suddenly disavowed her ties to Jeffrey Epstein. I've read all of

to Jeffrey Epstein. I've read all of

to Jeffrey Epstein. I've read all of them many, many times. I've been I've

them many, many times. I've been I've

them many, many times. I've been I've been doing a deep dive into this like

been doing a deep dive into this like

been doing a deep dive into this like it's a subreddit on Severance. And

it's a subreddit on Severance. And

it's a subreddit on Severance. And >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> a federal judge today dismissed Trump's

>> a federal judge today dismissed Trump's

>> a federal judge today dismissed Trump's $10 billion lawsuit against the Wall

$10 billion lawsuit against the Wall

$10 billion lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal for their story about the

Street Journal for their story about the

Street Journal for their story about the now infamous birthday message he claims

now infamous birthday message he claims

now infamous birthday message he claims he did not write or draw to celebrate

he did not write or draw to celebrate

he did not write or draw to celebrate Epstein's 50th birthday. He sued the

Epstein's 50th birthday. He sued the

Epstein's 50th birthday. He sued the Wall Street Journal for $10 billion,

Wall Street Journal for $10 billion,

Wall Street Journal for $10 billion, but that got thrown out because in order

but that got thrown out because in order

but that got thrown out because in order to sue for defamation, you have to prove

to sue for defamation, you have to prove

to sue for defamation, you have to prove the newspaper published the story with

the newspaper published the story with

the newspaper published the story with malice, which they obviously didn't.

malice, which they obviously didn't.

malice, which they obviously didn't. Rupert Murdoch owns the Wall Street

Rupert Murdoch owns the Wall Street

Rupert Murdoch owns the Wall Street Journal. This is like

Journal. This is like

Journal. This is like um Frankenstein to Trump's monster here,

um Frankenstein to Trump's monster here,

um Frankenstein to Trump's monster here, okay? And so now Trump plans to refile

okay? And so now Trump plans to refile

okay? And so now Trump plans to refile the lawsuit. Trump has been smacked down

the lawsuit. Trump has been smacked down

the lawsuit. Trump has been smacked down by so many judges now, it might actually

by so many judges now, it might actually

by so many judges now, it might actually explain all the bruises on his hands.

explain all the bruises on his hands.

explain all the bruises on his hands. But his ongoing abuse of the legal

But his ongoing abuse of the legal

But his ongoing abuse of the legal system

system

system >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> will continue. And while we still don't

>> will continue. And while we still don't

>> will continue. And while we still don't know what's up with Melania, the focus

know what's up with Melania, the focus

know what's up with Melania, the focus this weekend shifted briefly to another

this weekend shifted briefly to another

this weekend shifted briefly to another bickering couple. This one was in

bickering couple. This one was in

bickering couple. This one was in attendance at the Brooklyn Nets game. If

attendance at the Brooklyn Nets game. If

attendance at the Brooklyn Nets game. If you watch our show with any regularity

you watch our show with any regularity

you watch our show with any regularity regularity, you know that from time to

regularity, you know that from time to

regularity, you know that from time to time I mispronounced the word

time I mispronounced the word

time I mispronounced the word regularity.

regularity.

regularity. You know that from time to time we check

You know that from time to time we check

You know that from time to time we check in on the endless stream of strange

in on the endless stream of strange

in on the endless stream of strange coming out of the Sunshine State. But

coming out of the Sunshine State. But

coming out of the Sunshine State. But tonight we switch that to New York. A

tonight we switch that to New York. A

tonight we switch that to New York. A little something for the lip readers in

little something for the lip readers in

little something for the lip readers in our audience. Our first ever edition of

our audience. Our first ever edition of

our audience. Our first ever edition of this week in Brooklyn.

It's the final road game of the year.

It's the final road game of the year.

It's the final road game of the year. Our producer, Brian Woodrum. Our

Our producer, Brian Woodrum. Our

Our producer, Brian Woodrum. Our director, Todd Kinsey.

director, Todd Kinsey.

director, Todd Kinsey. >> [music]

>> [music]

>> [music] >> Quinn, I'm always heartened especially

>> Quinn, I'm always heartened especially

>> Quinn, I'm always heartened especially when we come to the New York area with

when we come to the New York area with

when we come to the New York area with how many Pacers [music] fans are here in

how many Pacers [music] fans are here in

how many Pacers [music] fans are here in Knicks and Nets country.

Knicks and Nets country.

Knicks and Nets country. >> No no doubt about it. I mean I well, I I

>> No no doubt about it. I mean I well, I I

>> No no doubt about it. I mean I well, I I think in in in just some some sense of

think in in in just some some sense of

think in in in just some some sense of both of us being realistic,

both of us being realistic,

both of us being realistic, I think the Coldplay couple has met its

I think the Coldplay couple has met its

I think the Coldplay couple has met its match.

match.

match. Hey, we got a great show tonight. Henry

Hey, we got a great show tonight. Henry

Hey, we got a great show tonight. Henry Winkler is here. We have music FROM OUR

Winkler is here. We have music FROM OUR

Winkler is here. We have music FROM OUR AND WE'LL [cheering] BE RIGHT BACK WITH

AND WE'LL [cheering] BE RIGHT BACK WITH

AND WE'LL [cheering] BE RIGHT BACK WITH MARK WAHLBERG, SO stick around.

MARK WAHLBERG, SO stick around.

MARK WAHLBERG, SO stick around. >> [music]