Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

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- [Man] Here we go.

(water lapping)

* The heart won't lie

* As much as you try

* You remember, you remember

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* I won't beg you to stay

* I'll let you go your way

* If it's meant for me, then you'll come to me

* This is my prayer

* Your heart won't lie

* As much as you try

* You remember, you remember

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

- A woman of noble character

is worth far more than rubies.

Amen?

- [All] Amen.

- Of all days, brothers.

Of all days.

(audience laughing)

I am guessing there are a lot of wives and mothers

sitting next to you who were underwhelmed by your response.

(snoring)

(light electronic music)

- Officers Kowalski and Dudley, patrolling downtown.

Boy, Lenny Richie would love it here.

It's an easy Sunday morning.

Kowalski out.

- [Dispatch] 10-4.

- I thought she'd be impressed.

- She might've been, had you got his name right.

- What; it's Lenny Richie.

- Lionel.

- No.

- Yes.

- No!

Lionel was the son's name in The Jeffersons.

- And also the singer Lionel Richie.

- Well, I beg to differ.

Care to make it interesting?

- By all means.

You wanna buy me snacks?

Take me to the Snack Shack.

- And then you're gonna be the one

walking up to the Snack Shack to buy me snacks.

- We'll see.

- You'll see.

Enjoy.

- Oh, I will.

- There are a lotta sisters out there among us

who are mothers.

And I would be remiss if I didn't point out

four special mothers.

My wife Ruth.

(audience applauding)

My daughter-in-law Mary.

(audience applauding)

My granddaughter Abby, on her first Mother's Day.

(audience applauding)

And last but not least, Mother Dunbar,

Mary's mother, Phyllis.

(audience applauding)

These and other mothers put on their Sunday best

and they deserve our best.

(cell phone ringing)

So, gentlemen...

For all mothers, let's try this again.

A woman of noble character,

she is worth far more than rubies.

Can I get a amen?!

- [All] Amen!

- Her children arise and call her blessed.

Her husband praises her too.

(fart squeaking)

Thank you all for coming out.

We sure enjoyed you.

So, I will ask my son Ben to come and give the final word.

Come up, Ben.

Mary?

- Yes?

- Where is Ben?

- Benjamin Wilson did not make a good choice last night.

- Well, you know you're in trouble

when she uses your full name.

(light upbeat music)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing on TV)

(laughing on TV)

(cups clanking)

- Hey.

- Mary.

- Ben.

- You scared the rest outta me.

- What's with all the racket?

- Are you kidding?

I'm trying to be as quiet as possible.

- Try harder.

(sighing)

Are you coming to bed?

- In a bit.

- Make a good choice.

- Was that a good choice?

- Yes.

But seriously, make a good choice.

- I will.

I promise.

I just wanna get to see the end of this comedy special.

- Which one?

- It's a classic, okay?

- Benjamin, we have church in the morning.

- I know, I know.

It's almost 2:00.

Why are you just now getting home?

What else were you doing, huh?

And don't tell me you were out playing soccer 'til 1:00.

- We went to...

To that, to that wing place.

- How was the view?

- (scoffing) It wasn't that wing place.

Look.

I got the receipt.

- And there you are,

sucking every bit of sauce off of your fingers.

- [Ben] I got mine to-go.

- Meanwhile, I'm here, working my fingers to the bone.

- Look...

- Folding clothes, doing the dishes,

and putting our son to bed.

- Sorry, babe.

Look, this is the only time

I've been able to hang out with the guys all month.

How can I make it up to you?

- Make it up to me tomorrow.

- Okay, I'll make it up to you tomorrow.

Tomorrow's all yours.

- Later today.

- Later today is all yours, okay?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, don't stay up too late.

And...

Make a good choice.

- I will.

(laughing on TV)

(laughing on TV)

(birds chirping)

(snoring)

(light upbeat music)

- Bad choice.

- Thank goodness for forgiveness, amen?

- I love Mother's Day.

It's my favorite workday of the year.

Nothing happens.

Nobody gets into trouble.

(pulsating music)

(groaning)

- Well, I'll give the final word then,

and I won't take up much of your time

because I know everyone

is itching to get to the buffet line.

(audience laughing)

I have two words.

Be blessed.

(audience applauding)

- If only it could be this way every day.

- 24/7.

- 365 days a year.

- 366 days of leap years.

- If only people would just live right;

you know, just do the right thing.

- Dudley do-right.

- Do the right thing.

- Don't you get it?

Your name is Dudley.

- I heard you, Kowalski.

I've been called that my whole life.

I was referring to Do the Right Thing.

- Oh, the one about the band.

- That's That Thing You Do.

- What thing?

If I'm doing something, tell me and I'll try not to do it.

What?!

- Did Daddy get you anything for today?

- I don't know.

The day's not over with yet.

- Not even breakfast in bed?

- He was still asleep when I left.

- Asleep?

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

- That lucky--

- What?

- What?

- Lucky what?

- What, what? (sighing)

- Well, did you ask for anything?

- No!

I don't need a thing.

- Come on, Mama.

- That's a good place to be.

Expect nothing, but be thankful for everything.

- Really, Mama?

- Abby, I don't!

- Really?

- Well, a little sum'n-sum'n would be nice.

- Yeah, better than a whole lot of nothing-nothing.

(soft music)

(tapping)

- Child, take this plant.

Oof, sweating my tuchus off.

(pulsating music)

- Ben.

Answer your phone!

We're leaving church now.

Don't forget to start the grill.

We have a lotta mouths to feed.

Love you.

- Mary, why don't you call him on the house phone?

- Mother, we don't have a house phone.

We have cell phones.

Why would we need a house phone?

- Well, what happened when you called him on the cell phone?

- He didn't answer.

- Because he didn't wanna talk to you?

- No, he probably just didn't hear it.

- What would happen if you had a house phone and called it?

- Then he probably would hear it.

- Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

(doorbell ringing)

(light upbeat music)

- [Ben] Hi, Mama!

- Benjamin, look what I got!

- Lovely.

- [Mama] Give it some water.

- Did Mary know you were coming?

- Of course, Benjamin.

Well, maybe not this early.

I had to get outta that place.

You know your father, he has to shake hands with everybody.

I had to get outta that heat.

(doorbell ringing)

Ready or not, here they come.

(light upbeat music)

- Shoot!

Mary, your mother's here.

- Mother?

On speaker, you sound like Ben.

- Your mother is here!

- They didn't give you a key yet?

- I let you skip church and sleep in,

so you gotta help me out.

- Okay.

- Make sure everything is childproofed for Sebastian.

- Abby and Sebastian are coming over too?

- Mother Dunbar, Charles, welcome!

- Always feel so welcome when I come to visit here.

- The man just said 'welcome.'

What else do you want him to say?

- Everything has to be put away or out of reach.

- Okay, I got it already.

- Carpet cleaner-- - Yeah.

- Steak knives, all glassware.

- Look, this is too much.

I gotta have my coffee first.

- Nevermind, I'll take care of it.

- Ready for me, Mother Dunbar?

- (laughing) Bring it.

- We're right around the corner.

I'm so excited for my special day!

- Special day.

Special day.

Special day.

- I'm so excited for my special day!

Excited for my special day!

For my special day!

Special day!

(gasping)

Benjamin, look what my Sunday school class bought me.

Isn't it precious?

- Yeah.

Precious.

- (sighing) You didn't start the food?

- No...

- Well, you better hurry up

because we got a lotta hungry people coming.

- When are we eating?

- You know, Dad, we missed you in church today.

You left Pops hangin'.

- Yeah, I...

- Hey everybody!

Oh!

Hey, sweetie!

Oh, you're walking!

- Oh, he's walking! - Walking?

I gotta go get my camera.

- On Mother's Day.

What a special day.

- Special day.

- Ben.

You didn't start the grill.

Want me to start the grill?

- Could you please?

I gotta go.

- Go where?

- Nowhere, just up here and...

Finish wrapping.

- Okay.

(light upbeat music)

- [Anthony] Hey, Dad.

- Anthony!

- What'd I do now?

- Shh, come here.

Do that impression you do of me.

- No. - Do the impression!

- [Anthony] You told me not to!

- Forget what I told you, son.

Do the impression!

- You've gotta do a better job of teaching me.

When am I supposed to listen to you

and when am I not supposed to listen to you?

- You're supposed to listen to me all the time.

So, if I tell you to do it, do it,

even if it contradicts the previous order.

- You sure?

- Anthony!

- Okay, okay.

(groaning and grunting)

- (laughing) It's perfect.

If someone comes to the door for me, you do one of those.

- Why?

- Because I told you to, and I'll pay you for it.

- With what?

- I gotta go to the store, get some cash back, okay?

- How much?

- Enough.

- You're gonna pay me cash money to imitate you.

That's two things I never thought would happen.

So...

What's wrong?

(light upbeat music)

- I forgot Mother's Day.

- You forgot Mother's Day?!

(laughing)

Mom is gonna...

(laughing)

I can't believe you forgot.

And you are in so much trouble.

- Okay, enough.

- When Mom finds out--

- It's not gonna happen.

Mom's not gonna find out.

- Oh, Mom's gonna find out.

Mom always finds out.

Remember that time I snuck a girl in my room?

- What?

- Nothing happened, we played video games.

I just wanted to tell my friends

that I snuck a girl in my room.

- Who; when?

- Precisely my point.

Mom found out.

You didn't until now, but Mom always finds out.

When Mom finds out, it's gonna get ugly.

What are you gonna do?

- I don't know; I gotta find four gifts fast.

- She expects four gifts?

I got her one card.

- Four moms, four gifts.

Your mom,

Abby--

- Abby's first Mother's Day!

Wow, this is worse than I thought.

- And Mama...

And--

- Benjamin!

- Mother Dunbar.

(pulsating music)

- Shh.

I know Mary doesn't approve of you drinking this.

- Mother Dunbar, you didn't have to do that.

That's so nice of you.

I'm sorry.

- Child, what are you sorry for?

- That I don't have anything as nice as this for you.

- You don't have to get me anything, except lunch.

I can't wait for lunch, come on.

- Ben!

You got one hour!

(funky synthesizer music)

- Wish me luck.

- But you don't believe in luck.

Good luck.

- Thanks.

- [Anthony] Where are you going?

- I don't know.

- Good plan.

- Hold on to my business phone.

And when somebody comes to the door for me, grunt.

And do not, do not, open that door.

- I mean it, one hour!

- Anthony, what in the world is your daddy doing?

We're getting hungry around here.

- Just hanging out.

- You left me a window of opportunity and I seize it.

- Don't do it, don't do it.

Oh man.

- Gin!

- You just had to say that word, didn't you?

Oh man. (laughing)

Just had to say it.

(thudding)

(Ben groaning)

* Yo, tell me

* Yo, now

* Can ya really flow like Lucas, Flo Jo

* See the copycats survive in a pile

* Tried to duplicate my style

* If you can, then let me see it

* After a while, you can not keep it

(training wheels rattling)

(energetic salsa music)

(laughing)

- A package of plant food will perk these up, won't it?

No, huh?

- I don't even know what to charge you for that.

How about a dollar?

- Thank you, that's very sweet of you.

- Debit or credit.

- I don't use credit cards.

Only debit.

- Why not?

I get free ones in the mail all the time.

- You'll find out that credit cards aren't free.

You should only buy what you can afford.

I can't seem to find my (pausing) debit card.

- That's a shame, isn't it,

that you don't have any credit cards?

- I'll probably be back.

- Will you?

- Probably not.

- On the house, mate.

- Thanks.

- Hit me with some more trivia.

I want a free lunch.

- Ah, you'll never get this one.

- Extra large!

Make sure they put triple cheese on it!

Triple cheese!

- Shh.

(gasping)

(baby cooing)

Hey, Dad, I'm getting ready to put Sebastian down for a nap.

Just letting you know

so you don't accidentally wake him, okay?

(Anthony grunting)

- Okay, just a sec.

All I have are IOUs.

Just go to the bank.

- Are you kidding?

- You have money in the bank, right?

- Son, the bank is closed on Sunday.

I don't even wanna think about

what I haven't taught you yet.

What about your friends?

- You can't borrow money from my friends!

- Have any of your friends borrowed money from you?

- Of course, but that doesn't mean

my dad can borrow money from them.

- Do your friends owe you any money?

- Yeah, Morgan owes me four bucks.

- I'll collect it for you.

- Wow, at 12 years old, I already have a loan shark.

- I'll get it back for you.

- Cool, I could really use four dollars.

- Well...

Well, I'll use it for now.

- But it's my money!

- I'll pay you back.

- I guess you'll just have to write me another IOU.

(doorbell ringing)

- I came for the money.

- Let me get my dad.

- Dad, he wants money!

(quirky funk music)

- [Dispatch] 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

- There's a black man outside our house

and I think he's trying to rob us.

- No, Dad-- - Quiet.

- [Dispatch] Can you describe him?

- He's a large black man

and it doesn't seem like he wants to go away.

- [Dispatch] Can you describe him any further?

- [Father] He's a large black man.

- Dad.

Anthony wants his $4.

- [Father] Seems his name's Anthony and he just wants $4,

but I don't believe it.

- Dad, that's Anthony's dad.

Anthony's in my class.

I borrowed $4 from him.

- Oh...

Nevermind.

- Are you at all offended by the fact

that I drive more than 50% of the time

and that I'm charge most of the time?

- Not at all.

- You know, because I just wanna be fair to you.

- I appreciate that.

But you aware that more than 50% of the time,

you are my chauffeur?

- No, I hadn't thought about it like that.

Didn't realize I was driving Miss Dudley.

- It's all a matter of perspective.

- [Dispatch] Officers downtown,

we just got a 9-1-1 hangup from a residence near you.

- Officers Dudley and Kowalski responding.

- [Dispatch] 3105 Oakmont.

- We're on it like a bonnet.

(groaning)

Kowalski out. - 10-4.

- "We're on it like a--"

- Let's not relive it.

- Hey, I'm sorry, boss man,

but I didn't know who you were and--

- It's cool.

And I guess Anthony lent her four bucks.

It's no big deal.

- $4?

You must be real hard up for cash, boss.

- No-no-no-no, I was just driving by.

I gotta go.

(soft electronic music)

(laughing)

Sissy!

- [Sissy] Done anything for Mom yet?

- Not for Mary or...

Or Abby.

Or Mom, or Mother Dunbar.

- I'm just getting one for Mom.

That's all I can afford.

- I hear ya.

Well, I gotta go.

See ya at the house.

By the way, you didn't see me.

- You didn't see me either.

- Deal.

(phone ringing)

(grunting)

- It's your dad, knucklehead.

- Did you get the money?

- Yeah, thanks.

- What'd you buy?

- Nothing.

$4 won't even by one card.

- I could've told you that.

- Does anybody else owe you money?

- Just a sec.

(typing)

- What are you doing?

- Posting online to see if anyone owes me money.

I said my dad needs it right now.

- You said that online?

- I didn't say why.

- (sighing) Unbelievable.

- That was some unbelievable singing

this morning, wasn't it?

- Yeah it was.

But, you know, I missed Ben's voice this morning.

- Don't get me started.

- Ruth, what did Ben give you for Mother's Day?

- Nothing that I know of.

- Oh, that's just awful.

Me neither.

- He's upstairs wrapping gifts.

- Look, I wonder what he got Abby?

- Who bought me what?

- What Ben got you for your first Mother's Day.

- Jason, what did you give Abby for her first Mother's Day?

- I gave her a kid, isn't that enough?

I'm kidding.

I got her a day at the spa.

(ladies fawning)

- Sweet.

- Isn't lunch ready yet?

- Sir, we got a call about a man on a motorcycle

robbing the residents and terrorizing the--

- Pat!

- What?

- Word choice.

- Oh, yeah.

Boy, that's one of the best these days.

Let's see...

Traumatizing.

About a man robbing the residents

and traumatizing the neighborhood?

- I don't know anything about that.

- Did you place a call to 9-1-1?

- I did.

My daughter has this friend.

His dad came over here for some money.

- On a motorcycle?

- No, bicycle.

- Oh, a bike.

That's why we thought it was a motorcycle!

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

'Cause when somebody says bike--

- You think it's a hog.

- Yeah; well, how much did the robber take?

- Look, he wasn't a robber.

He just came by for $4.

- Sir, with all due respect,

if someone takes money from you,

no matter the amount, he's a robber.

- But-- - Please don't interrupt

Officer Kowalski, sir.

- I didn't, I--

- And please, don't downplay the robber's actions either.

Try to get a grip on the gravity of the situation.

Take ownership of your feelings.

- Look, guys, it's Mother's Day.

I have to-- - It's my turn to talk.

- I'm sorry.

- Now, there are certain procedures that we have to follow.

Now, I more than know that it's Mother's Day.

My mother's waiting for me to come over

and I can't go until I finish my shift.

So, the faster that you cooperate,

the faster we can let you get back to celebrating

your mothers in your world.

- Fine.

- Now, could you please give me

a description of the suspect?

- Uh...

Tall, muscular.

40-ish, in his 40s.

- Middle-aged man--

- I wouldn't say middle-aged.

He's in his 40s.

Our life expectancy is 80-something,

so I think it's fair to say that he's middle-aged.

May I continue?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

- Middle-aged man on a motorcycle.

- Bicycle.

- Oh, sorry; right.

Bicycle, middle-aged man.

What'd this guy look like?

- Short hair, black.

- Okay, now, this is kind of a touchy subject,

and I don't want to offend anyone, but when you say 'black,'

do you mean his hair or his skin tone?

- Both?

- Ah, okay.

So...

Would you say he's black like my partner here

or, or not quite as dark?

- What's that got to do with anything?

- We're trying to bring this man to justice,

so we need an accurate description.

- Anthony, I gotta go.

Gotta call my buddies and hope one of them picks up.

- They're probably all out to lunch with their moms.

Hey, Dad, do we have a fire extinguisher?

- Yeah, there's one in the...

Wait, why do you need a fire extinguisher?

Call 9-1-1.

Call 9-1-1!

- I'm just kidding.

- C'mon, little man, today's difficult enough

without you messing with me.

- I don't even know how to turn on a grill.

- I thought you were handling lunch for me.

- Mom took over.

Yeah, and I don't know how much longer I can hold her off.

- I gotta go.

(pulsating music)

- Hey, check it out.

- What, two people hugging?

- Yes, but look at what kind of people they are.

- Good-looking?

- Yes, but different.

- Man and woman.

- No.

- Oh.

He's black and she's white.

- Of course not.

No, it's just something about the way they're acting.

- What do you wanna change 'em with, PDA?

- So, how have things changed in your world?

- What do you mean?

- Well, you hugged me and I thought you were married.

- I am.

You hugged me!

- Well, you hugged me back.

- I was being nice.

- Yeah.

I always thought you were nice.

- It's getting hot.

I gotta go.

I gotta go buy some Mother's Day cards.

- It's a little late, isn't it?

- Well, better late than...

Wait, where's my money?

- Potential domestic disturbance in progress.

- I got your back.

- Apparently not.

- Do-do you have my money?

- Your money?

I don't have your money.

- Miss.

Is he bothering you?

Sir, have you ingested any illegal substances?

- Why would you ask that?

Is it because I'm black?

- No, those are your words, not mine.

- But your thoughts.

- Again, no.

You were acting fidgety.

Now, take my partner for example.

He's African-American, and I haven't asked him

if he's ingested any illegal substances.

- Is this your money?

- Oh.

- Are you harassing me over $4?

- That's a dangerous word to throw out there

with police officers around.

I was just asking you did you know where my money was,

that's all.

- Nor have I asked my partner

whether he may or may not have ingested any stolen property.

- But you are implying it.

- Well, I'm not surprised you think so,

given you havin' guilty conscience.

- What Officer Kowalski's referring to

is the last breath mint, which someone has to take.

It's not like we're gonna get a fork and knife

and cut it in half.

- Well, no, of course you're not going to cut it in half.

But that would make people kind of think

that maybe the person

who's bought the entire tin of breath mints,

if he had the option and if he so chooses,

would take the last mint.

But no, as it stands, Officer Dudley here took it.

Why don't you go ahead and smell his breath?

Go ahead.

(exhaling)

And meanwhile, I, Officer Kowalski, am stuck with

this unprofessional, cabbage-tainted aroma. (exhaling)

Back to you, sir.

Now, you were sweating and you were acting jittery.

Now, that kinda behavior

takes me back to my original question,

which was, sir, have you ingested any illegal substances?

- Well, I'm sweating

because I was riding my daughter's bicycle.

And I'm jittery because I'm trying to get back to the house

for Mother's Day.

- Oh, how nice for you.

You get to spend the afternoon at home on Mother's Day,

a luxury I don't have.

- Wait, what are you doing?

- I'm citing you.

- For what?!

- 5-0-7.

- What's a 5-0-7?

- Public nuisance.

- Oh, now, why did you tell him that?

You gave it away.

That's why we use codes, to keep things secret!

- We use code for communication purposes,

and he has a right to know what he's being cited for.

- A public nuisance?!

- Have a safe rest of your day.

- Are you kidding me?!

- Good seeing ya, Ben.

(light upbeat music)

- Hey, everybody!

- Sweetie, how are you? - Hey, Sissy!

- Have we handed out cards yet?

- [Mama] Did you get cards?

- Yeah, got this a while ago.

At least five minutes.

- At least you're honest.

- Happy Mother's Day, Mama.

- Aw, thank you, sweetie, I appreciate it.

Thank you so much.

Well now, we're almost one big happy family.

All we need is Ben and Anthony.

- Where's my brother?

- He's supposed to be upstairs wrapping gifts.

- Dad's probably making Anthony wrap

while he's up there watching European soccer.

I say watching, probably up there asleep

with his mouth hanging all open.

- Mm-mm, he's probably up there taking a dump.

- Go ahead and eat, child; eat up.

- I can't eat while Mother Dunbar is sitting here

talking about my brother taking a dump.

- Well, if he is, I hope Mary bought some spray

because this is not the biggest house.

(laughing)

- You know, I really don't understand

why he's been in there this long.

We haven't even eaten lunch or anything yet,

and so I don't see why he needed to go and do number--

- Two.

Pete O'Callaghan!

- Ben, what's up, man?

You remember Taylor, right?

- [Ben] Happy Mother's Day.

- Thank you.

- Where are your kids?

- They're with my folks.

- Oh, okay.

Pete, did you get my message?

- [Pete] Oh, I'm sorry,

I turned down my phone for Mother's Day.

What's up?

- O'Callaghan, look, I'm in a bind.

- [Pete] Man...

That's pretty insensitive, you know?

I mean, my wife used to be a ballerina

and they would bind her feet in those shoes.

I'm just messing with you, I'm messing with you.

What's up?

- I'm in a hurry.

- I'm gonna go freshen up.

- [Pete] Dude, what's up?

- Can I borrow a few bucks?

- [Pete] A few?

I'd love to, but-- - Thanks.

- [Pete] I don't have it.

- You do!

- I don't.

- You do.

- I don't.

- I don't believe you.

You had enough to come out to eat.

- [Pete] Just barely enough.

- Prove it.

Give me your wallet.

No.

No, no-no-no, it's not like that!

- You again.

- You again!

- Pen.

Sir, there's no panhandling allowed.

- Do not encourage this type of behavior.

- Wait, wait--

- [Pete] I'm sorry, officers.

- I know this guy!

- This guy? (laughing)

- Does this guy have a name?

- I already know yours.

- Another citation?

- If you're his friend, you would know his name.

- [Pete] Officers, Ben knows me.

He's my friend.

He knows my name is Pete.

- You gave it away.

Now I'll never know if he's telling the truth.

- Kowalski, they're buddies.

Can we go now?

- I guess, but I still gave him another 5-0-7.

- Three bucks?

- [Pete] You said a few.

- I meant like $20.

- You should be able to get a Mother's Day card

and have change left over.

- I'm not buying a cheap generic card, and I need four.

- You know, Taylor and I, we get e-cards and they're free.

- Look, I don't need you to lecture me

about what I spend and how I spend it.

Look, buddy, can I borrow a credit card?

- Well, why don't you use one of your cards?

- Well, I use a debit card, but my wife Mary has it

and I don't have it with me.

- And you don't have a credit card?

Who doesn't have a credit card?

- We only buy what we can afford.

- Honey, can he borrow...

No?

- Can I ask you one more favor.

- Sure, anything; what?

You want a kidney?

I have an extra one.

Do you want one of my kidneys?

- I need a ride over to the little jewelry store

on the other side of the bridge.

- Oh, sure.

Can we give him--

No?

- It's just on the other side of the bridge.

- Sorry, buddy.

Good to see you.

(horn honking)

- Are you kidding me?!

(water splashing)

What we've got here is a failure to appreciate

the law of the land.

- What's that for?

- Littering.

But if you get a dive team

to come help recover that bicycle,

well, I can tear this one up.

- Pay for a dive team?

- I've got the phone number of a good dive team.

- I really hope our paths do not cross again today.

- And if they do?

- Gonna have to take you downtown.

- We are downtown!

- To prison.

You know what he meant.

- Time's up, Ben.

Everyone's ready to eat.

- [Anthony] I'm not ready.

- Anthony, is that you?

- [Anthony] Uh-uh.

- Anthony, get out here right now.

Where is your father?

- Am I in trouble?

- You're not in trouble, but somebody is.

You forgot Mother's Day?

And now you're out looking for a last-minute gift?

Uh-uh!

It's too late.

Come home, now!

(training wheels rattling)

- [Sissy] Hey.

- Hey.

- What's going on?

- Ben.

He forgot another holiday.

He's probably out buying me gum from--

the Food Mart. - The Food Mart? (laughing)

He's trying.

- Not much.

- Gum is better than nothing.

- Hardly. (scoffing)

- I saw him out there.

- Out where?

- Picking up greeting cards.

- But we're sitting here starving, waiting on the man.

- And he's trying.

- With what?

I got his debit card.

- I don't know, guess he had a little cash.

- He never has cash.

And why didn't you tell me you saw him?

- Sibling code.

Mary.

Sometimes, sister-in-law code overrides sibling code.

- Tell me.

- I saw him hugging up on another woman.

- Wow.

Okay.

Wow!

- Hello there, I remember you.

Did you remember your credit card this time?

- [Ben] Yes I did.

- Credit?

Can I just take a look at that?

- [Ben] What's the holdup?

- Interesting choice of words.

- [Ben] Look, I gotta go.

- I'm just waiting for the card to go through.

Wait, Mr. O'Callaghan, or whatever your name really is.

- [Ben] Why can't that be my name?

- Seriously, mate?

Are you trying to tell me

that your name is Peter O'Callaghan?

- [Ben] Why not?

- I'm from England, and that's right next to Ireland,

and no one that looks like you is called Peter O'Callaghan.

- You ever heard of black Irish before?

- I think that might refer to black hair.

- I do have black hair, see?

- Everybody freeze.

- Mr. Wilson?!

- You again?

- You again.

- Trouble sure seems to find you, son,

which is why I keep finding you.

All right, who made the call?

What's going on here?

- [Cashier] I did.

He's trying to use a stolen credit card, officer.

- That's my friend's card!

This is a big mistake!

- Well, you have to pay for your mistakes.

Hands on the counter. - What?

- Time for downtown.

- I don't have time to go downtown!

- [Dudley] Hands on the counter!

- I need to get home!

- Oh, we have a nice home for you, downtown.

This is supposed to be an easy day.

I just don't understand it.

I never wanna work another Mother's Day ever again.

- I feel you.

- My mother's called me 27 times today, 27 times.

She's worried sick.

Aren't there any moms out there who care about you?

- [Ben] Four.

- Four?

- Wife.

Daughter.

Mom.

Mother-in-law.

- Wow.

- I was trying to get them presents for Mother's Day.

- (laughing) No, I'm not buying it.

It's way too late for that.

- I forgot.

- You forgot to buy them presents?

- I forgot Mother's Day?

- You forgot Mother's Day?

How do you forget Mother's Day?

You can't forget Mother's Day!

- I know.

But I did.

- Hey, why don't we just call his friend,

check him, see if he really did borrow the card?

Give him a break, man.

It's Mother's Day.

- Yeah.

And I don't think we have anything downtown

that's as scary as what he's gonna face when he gets home.

- Where have you been?

- Mary...

(sighing)

It's been a mother of a day.

I did something that I regret.

I forgot Mother's Day.

- And?

- Isn't that enough?

- Oh, that's more than enough.

It's (pausing) so much.

- I know.

I feel awful.

- Huh.

You feel awful.

(laughing)

He feels awful.

Do you remember what it was like

when I went to the hospital?

No.

Do you remember how I described how it was like

in a delivery room?

Because you will never know how it was in the delivery room.

- Yes.

- Uh-uh.

- Yes...

I do.

No, I don't.

- The pain I endured.

- Oh, the pain!

- You're not even trying to have kids yet.

- I know.

- What do you know about childbirth?

- I...

Let's just get back to Ben, you know what I'm saying?

What did Ben do?

- I know what he didn't do.

He didn't drink this orange soda I bought him!

- Really?

- Wow, this is even better than television.

- Where was I?

- The pain of childbirth.

- Pain caused by you.

And I had to endure more than usual because, at the time,

my hips weren't exactly of the childbearing variety.

But that's when you chose the hips, hmm?

But those hips had to undergo some renovations.

- Make it stop!

Make it stop!

- So, yes, since our wedding day,

I have gained a little bit of weight,

but it was for the betterment of our family,

because these hips became able to bear children,

children that we wanted.

Do you remember when we decided to have children?

You may answer.

- Yes.

- We decided together.

Together.

And we both decided we wanted two children,

and we have them.

What happened on the day that I had Abigail?

- We celebrated.

- Mm, I'm surprised you remember that.

You seem not to remember anything of celebrations

that doesn't involve a ball and a field.

But you remember what happened on that day?

- You became a mother.

- And yet, you embrace another.

- What?

What?

- Someone saw you earlier hugging up on another woman.

- Oh. (sighing)

That was, that was Lisa.

- Lisa who?

- Lisa.

My ex-coworker.

- Huh.

Well, maybe she won't be your only ex.

- Wait, wait; what?

- What are we gonna do about our children?

- Are you...

Really?

Are you serious?!

Over Mother's Day?!

- Over Mother's Day, Sweetest Day--

- Sweetest Day shouldn't count.

- And all the other days.

- How did it come to this?

- It all adds up.

- So, you're gonna throw all this away--

- Child, stop.

You are not gonna bring the D-word into this.

- What's the D-word?

- Divorce.

- Mm, I thought it was something like that,

but you never know.

- Divorce?!

- Mom, you can't!

- You're not going to.

Because of these children, you're not going to.

- Yes, Mother Dunbar.

Yes.

Like mother, like daughter.

- Here we go.

- You don't know me.

You don't know me.

- [Ben] You threatened divorce too.

- Did we get divorced?

- No.

But...

- Did we get divorced?!

- [Ben] No.

- Then stop this right now.

I'm fighting for you, not against you.

- Anthony, go upstairs.

- C'mon, baby.

- She's gonna divorce me.

Can you believe this?

She's gonna divorce me!

(scoffing)

Why?

Because all I've done is put food on this table.

All I've done is pay every single bill every month.

All I've done is take a second job to pay hospital bills.

All I have done is whisper sweet things to her

that goes unheard because all she hears

is that one time that I raised my voice,

despite taking those two jobs

and getting home late at night

and getting up for church 51 Sundays in the past year.

The one weekend I don't have to work those two jobs

and I'm able to hang out with my buddies and play soccer,

not drinking, mind you,

I don't taste that stuff anymore.

Not drugs, mind you.

I would never taste that stuff.

But soccer?

- [Mama] Benjamin.

- The one time I get to hang out with the guys

and get the exercise

she ever-so-kindly reminds me that I need to get,

I come home and cool off.

I sit on the couch and I watch a comedy special

and sports highlights

so I won't go to bed all sweaty.

And I just...

I fell asleep on the couch.

And I'm so sorry for that.

I am so sorry.

I wish I had just (pausing) gone to bed.

But I didn't.

Now, I've gotta lie in the bed that I made.

- I miss you.

- I'm right here.

- Yeah, you're here, but you're not here.

- Look.

Don't move.

- See?

Not here.

(soft music)

- What-- - Shh!

- I know that boy didn't just shush me.

- Yes he did.

- (scoffing) I can't believe it.

- Well, he tried, but you're still talking.

(soft music)

* I don't fit in your box

* I don't match your world

* Everything I say and do

* You don't like about me

* Your heart won't lie

* As much as you try

* You remember, you remember

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* I won't beg you to stay

* I'll let you go your way

* If it's meant for me, then you'll come to me

* This is my prayer

* Your heart won't lie

* As much as you try

* You remember, you remember

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

- Good choice.

- You've always been my good choice,

the best choice I've ever made.

- This...

This is what I miss.

- And this is what I miss.

(family applauding)

* Try to find my way

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* I'm not perfect

- What'd I miss?

* Try to find my way

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

(light upbeat music)

- [Director] And, action.

- (scoffing) Child, stop.

You are not gonna bring the D-word in to this.

(inaudible)

(laughing)

- [Man] You're not gonna bring the D-word in (pausing)

to this.

- Hey, Dad, I'm getting ready

to put Sebastian down for a nap.

Just letting you know

so you don't accidentally wake him, okay?

(Anthony grunting)

(baby grunting)

- Cut, that was awesome. - All right.

- [Man] Not in.

In.

Out.

- What-- - Shh!

- [Mother Dunbar] That boy done lost his mind.

I know he just didn't shush me.

- Yes he did.

- [Mother Dunbar] Can't believe it.

- What do I say?

(laughing)

I'm sorry. (laughing)

(soft music)

- [Kowalski] It's my turn to talk.

- I'm sorry.

- Okay, so, there are regulations that we have to follow.

Now, I'm more than aware--

(laughing)

- [Dudley] You gotta get.

(laughing)

- [Kowalski] He made a line coming up your back.

- [Dudley] He started easing on down and stuff.

You know what they say about black cats and stuff.

- Bad luck.

- [Dudley] Yeah, he started easing on down--

- I finally got the lines right this time too!

(distant plane engine roaring)

Turns your sound off that bad, huh?

Wow. - Well, it's not just that.

You see, if we're gonna cutting back to them from you,

and if there's a plane on your soundtrack,

then suddenly not on their soundtrack--

- Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

- [Man] (unintelligible)

Death is among us all and we all will die.

There will be a sudden feeling of destruction

and your life slipping away.

("Trial Expired" by Lucas Flow)

* Yo, tell me

* Yo, now

* Can you really flow like Lucas, Flo Jo

* See the copycats survive in a pile

* Try to duplicate my style

* If you can, then let me see it

* After a while, you can not keep it.

(unintelligible singing)

- [Ben] I'm in a bit of a bind.

(plane engine roaring)

- [Man] Let's wait for Amelia Earhart real quick.

- Prove it.

Give me your wallet.

- Now, this is the part--

Still rolling.

This is the part of the scene

where we're supposed to throw wallets at him.

- [Man] Oh, okay. (laughing)

Okay.

- So, do you have wallets you could throw at him?

- [Man] Yeah, yeah; I have a very throwable wallet.

(laughing)

(soft music)

* I don't fit in your box

* I don't match your world

* Everything I say and do

* You don't like about me

* Your heart won't lie

* As much as you try

* You remember, you remember

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* I won't beg you to stay

* I'll let you go your way

* If it's meant for me, then you'll come to me

* This is my prayer

* Your heart won't lie

* As much as you try

* You remember, you remember

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* Try to find my way

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* I'm not perfect

* But I'm really human

* Not perfect

* I'm not perfect

- [Man] All right, rolling.

72-2.

(inaudible)

- [Man] Shot speed.

- [Man] 72-2, second slate.

All right, set.

- [Director] Action.

- You left me a window of opportunity

and I will seize it! - Come on, no, no, no!

Gin! - Oh, man.

You had to say that word!

Oh man!

- [Man] (laughing) Okay, cut.

(pulsing music)

(upbeat dance music)

- [Man] Roll; okay, rolling.

- [Kowalski] Whoa.

- [Man] Save the camera!

- [Dudley] I got you, man, I got you covered.

I got you covered.

No problem.

- [Man] I think my shoes and my feet will get wet.

- [Man] You're fine for now.

- Okay. - Okay.

- [Dudley] You all right?

- Yeah. - All right.

- [Man] Sorry, one second.

- [Kowalski] I'm in charge most of the time?

- Not at all.

- [Kowalski] You know, because I wanna be fair to you.

- I appreciate that,

but are you at all offended

that more than 50% of the time, you are my chauffeur?

- [Kowalski] Well, I hadn't really

thought about it like that.

I didn't realize I was driving around Miss Dudley.

- It's all a matter of perspective

- [Man] Wait.

- [Man] What?

- [Man] I see Butch in the rear-view.

Could you yell at him real quick?

- Hey, Butch. - Hey, Butch.

- [Butch] Am I in the shot?

- [Man] In the shot, rear-view. (laughing)

(funky music)

- [Jason] I got her a day at the spa.

(all fawning) - Oh, okay, that's sweet.

All right.

- Is it lunch yet?

- Has anybody seen my shoe?

Have you seen my shoe?

Have you seen my shoe?

Have you seen my (pausing) shoe?

- [Man] Cut!

(laughing)

(light upbeat music)

(water lapping)