Original subtitles

You a swimmer, I'm a shark.

While we sit here in the dark, I'm a robot with a gun.

You're a supersonic nun.

You're the country star. I'm a brave GI in a stolen car from a communist spy.

You're the beauty queen.

I'm the science frog.

With your seconds on the clock before the bomb goes off.

Going to the movie.

Double feature.

Going to the movie.

Creepy creature.

Going to the movie.

Hole plantation.

Going to the movie.

Exploitation.

Going to the movie. Going to the movie.

I'm a gangster who's been shot.

You the slave girl I just bought.

I'm a monster on the loose.

You the duchess, I'm the dude.

We survived the crash with our face fucked up. Then the credits flashed and

lights come up.

You're only you and I am only me.

But the movies aren't over, this time it's free.

Going to the movie. Real life drama.

Going to the movie.

Cinerama. Going to the movie.

Boogie thriller.

Going to the movie.

Fight, go killer.

Going to the movie.

Singing in the rain.

Going to the movies till we go insane.

I was a man who wasn't grown.

I needed time to be alone.

Just to get my shit together and to find out where my head was coming

from.

I've just begun.

I want to be.

I want to know.

Just like a tree, I want to grow.

I want to live in this world of ours and never think of anyone

but me.

Growing myself.

I know that I'm okay growing myself.

See my life before me Everyone will just adore me Cause I'm free

Growing myself To be me

What's going on?

You're leaving me, Susan.

Huh?

You're leaving me.

But we're having roast beef for dinner. I made up my mind.

You're going out into the world to have a career.

I'm going where?

And I'm going to change my entire life.

I need you to leave me, Susan, so I can find out who I really am. So I can grow.

And you need you to leave me so you can grow.

Huh? So you can find out who you really are.

But I thought I was me.

The Hendersons are coming over tonight. I'll phone them. Susan, by now most

people like us have been divorced at least once or twice, or maybe separated.

I mean, that's what marriage is all about.

If you don't leave me now, we could be together until we die or something.

Like our parents.

Jason, I thought we were happy. Susan, happiness doesn't make you happy.

makes you happy.

Oh.

My kids. What about my kids?

They'll be fine. I'll take real good care of them. I'll make sure they're

Susan. I'm going to be a terrific mother.

Hi, honey.

Listen, kids.

I want to talk to you.

What are we having for dinner?

Where's Mommy?

Your Mommy had to go away.

She had to grow.

Go to Easter.

No, honey.

She had to grow more.

You see, people are like food, and Mommy was... Well, she wasn't like a

hamburger or a can of peas. No.

See, kids, people should be like nice, beautiful fruits.

Mommy had to go away so she could be a peach or a plum.

Right now she's more like a potato.

Mommy's a potato?

Can we have french fries for dinner?

So now I'm going to do everything that Mommy used to do.

What did she used to do?

She made us dinner.

Okay, let's set the table.

Jeffrey, get the dishes.

We're going to have some dinner.

Okay, let's see what we have here.

Ah -ha, chicken.

I think I'm going to get you kids off red meat. It's bad for your blood

pressure. I'm just going to cook this old bird up like this here.

And get started.

How about veggies? Veggies are great.

I love veggies.

This looks good.

How's everyone doing?

Good.

Okay.

Peppers. We got peppers. Everyone all right over there? Some tomatoes.

I think we have a problem.

Now, look at it this way, kids.

You the owner? Yeah. You step over here for a second. Watch the fire. We'll be

right back.

Shane, well, you've still got a nice piece of land there. You couldn't save

of the house?

I'm sorry. Actually, this is my first fire. I'm still getting the hang of it.

used to be in real estate, but I found I wasn't growing as a person, so I became

a fireman. I know what you mean. I guess you're going to be needing a new place.

There's nothing left here. Perfect.

I still keep my listings. I figure that when a victim's house burns down, he's

got to live somewhere. Yeah.

One second, okay?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll only charge you half the fee. Perfect.

I got a lovely two -bedroom on West 57th Street. No, I need something bigger.

I've got the kids, you know. Okay.

How would you like a fully furnished, eight -room, rent -controlled apartment

a high floor overlooking Central Park on 79th?

I'll take it.

Oh, boy, you kids are going to love Manhattan.

Got the theater and art galleries.

Have you ever been to an auction at Park Bernet?

Yeah. We're hungry. We haven't eaten anything since we lost the chicken.

How about some clams?

Here comes the surprise I've been telling you about. Does that look great?

This is the best surprise in the world.

Okay, now I'm going to show you how this is done.

Take a little lemon and squeeze the juice over it, just like so.

Then you take a little of the cocktail sauce and mix it in with the

Mmm, mix it up real good and smear it on.

Now my favorite, Tabasco sauce.

You kids ever had Tabasco sauce? And here we go.

Ready? Here we go.

Ah, okay. Now, everyone get started. Josh, down the hatch. Come on, Judy, get

started. All right, Jeffrey, now I'm going to help you.

A little lemon, a little lemon like that.

Mix in the cocktail and the horseradish. Judy, how you doing?

Good, huh?

Great. Right in.

A little Tabasco.

Just a touch. Okay. Great.

Now, pick her up.

There we go.

Good, good, good. Ooh, good.

Great, Jeffrey. Chew, chew.

Great.

Terrific.

Morning, ladies.

Beautiful day today.

How you doing, Tom?

Morning, Mr. Cooper.

Morning, Carlos.

Come in, Jason.

Arnold, you got a second? I've got to discuss something of paramount

My dude, you going jogging?

What is it, Jason?

Arnold, I quit. Now, wait a second. I know what you're going to say, so hear

out on this, because I've given it a lot of thought.

Now, corporate law just isn't enough for me anymore, and sometimes a man has

to... stop being himself so we can find out who he is. I know, I know.

Stopping being yourself is starting being someone else. And I want that

else to be me.

I'm quitting, too. Excuse me? I'm moving to Alaska.

The trapped beaver.

Beaver, Arnold?

Bye -bye, Jake.

Beaver.

Trees.

Plants. That's what I'll do.

Oh, can I help you? Oh, here.

Oh, okay, yeah. One sec.

You okay?

Come on in.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, I got up this morning, and I was running a little late for work, you

and the plants were making all these demands and screaming to be watered, you

know, and I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I've been a little bit on

anyway, and I just... You hear that?

Yeah. Are you telling me that you beat your plants?

Listen, it is not all my fault. I mean, I come from a very long line of plant

batterers, and they warned me that this could happen, and I've been under a lot

of stress.

Oh, excuse me.

Yeah, one sec, Josh.

Okay, honey.

I have to get the phone. Why don't you wait in there? Take your pride.

I'll be right with you. No, no, I don't think you should give this to me. It'll

be okay. It'll be okay. Just wait in there, and I'm just going to talk to my

son. I want to get the phone, okay? Don't be long. I don't think you should

leave me alone. No, no, you'll be okay. You'll be fine. I'll be right there.

Hurry up.

with you.

Hello,

how are you doing?

Huh?

No, no.

Well, um, I don't want you to work too hard. I mean, I want you to save some of

that for me.

Help.

Huh? What?

Help. Who's that?

Jeffrey, I'm lost.

Jeffrey? Okay, Jeffrey.

Don't panic.

Stay right here.

All right.

Jeffrey, now keep talking to me. Talk to me so I know where you are, okay?

All right. Jeffrey,

talk to me. Are you there?

Yeah. Okay, well, now tell me what grade you're in.

First. First grade.

One of my favorites.

Get your leaves off of me, all right?

Okay. Don't panic.

Don't fear.

All right, I see you. I got you. Grab hold. Grab hold.

Just got to shoot it. Got to lose the boss. That's all.

All right, hold on. All right, daylight.

I'm seeing daylight.

All right, Jeffrey, we're almost there.

See the couch.

Okay. We're coming up to the couch. All right.

Okay. All right.

Don't panic. Are you all right? Are you all right? Yes. Okay. All right.

Okay. Stop that.

No.

No.

Josh, can't you see I'm busy?

Yeah, I know.

Hold on.

Daddy, can I have the keys to the car?

Josh, can't you see that I'm involved?

Hold on, baby. Okay.

All right, look. Don't be like your sister, okay? Come back.

Cute kid.

No, not you. My son.

Hmm?

No.

Huh? Yeah, listen.

It's this evening.

Dinner. Uh -huh.

La petite portion.

Go easy on the wine, Lee. You're only 14 years old.

You look kind of tired. What have you been doing?

Yes, monsieur.

Thank you very much.

Oh, wow.

What a day.

Three shootings.

Avedon, Gabulo in the morning.

Then I had this real dork all afternoon.

Must have taken a million rolls of film for this one stupid perfume man.

Liza, I need you. You're very important to me.

I know.

You've got innocence and wisdom.

You accept me for what I am. You're like...

You're like a child.

What do you mean? I'm a 14 -year -old bimbo?

No, age has nothing to do with it. Look, I can show you a whole new world.

Like old Rockford files?

Sushi? Oh, yeah.

How boring.

Well, then maybe you'd like to see the Pavarotti concert.

There's a fast -finder double feature playing downtown.

No shit.

Still? Well, there's a kiss concert at the garden.

Give me a break, Jason.

Liza, what do you want to do?

Liza, I'll tell you.

You've got to understand what I've been going through. Sometimes this happens to

guys like me at times like this. I've had it with guys like you.

We would have done better seeing that Fassbinder flick.

But I'm going to be much better.

I'm going to be fantastic.

Probably had too much wine to drink.

My life is all messed up.

You're kidding.

You know, I think I'm going to make my parents send me to a Catholic school.

And then I could go to a secretarial college.

And then I could get a job.

And then I could get married and I could have kids.

Eliza, where are you going?

Jason, let's face it.

You're impudent.

Coming.

Hello, Jason.

Susan.

Sorry to barge in on you like this, but I only have a minute. You want to come

in? It's all right. I just wanted to come by and tell you that you were right

about changing and growing myself.

You look fantastic.

Yes, I've done quite well in business.

As a matter of fact, I'm president of Union Carbide. There you go. You see,

that's what happens when you really want to do what you have to do, whether you

want to or not.

Yeah, I just have this natural flair for running major chemical corporations.

Can't help it.

But I haven't forgotten you and your needs, Jason.

That's why I want you to have my baby.

Huh?

So...

mistake.

Forgot to bring my diaphragm to the OPEC conference in Caracas last summer.

Susan, couldn't you get an abortion?

Jason, you know how it is when you're a top -level executive. There's no time.

My God, I've got to make this flight to Geneva.

You know how the Swiss are about time.

Tell the kids all right.

I haven't heard from Josh or Jennifer lately.

I'll get them. Okay, bye, Susan.

What's its name? Is it a boy, girl, or what?

Name. Susan.

It's name.

Susan. What's it? Ah, Susan.

Ah, Susan. Come on. I'm not going to admit it, but a woman's name is Susan.

Hey. Ah, fuck.

What's its name?

grandmother's name.

Mine's Diana.

It's yours, David. You look like a David. No, it's Jason, but I think I'd

willing to change it.

Oh, let's keep it down there. You want to come up for tea? I've got to find out

what kind of kid I got.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Boy, you probably think I'm some kind of wanton slut.

Oh, no.

I'm a much bigger person than that.

I think it's beautiful that you're here.

Just let me put a little mood music on.

Ah, that's my kids. I'll be right back.

I think you're gonna like this one.

I'm like various people.

I'm a cat person.

I think it's really great that we can get to share this experience together.

I'm a book person.

I am a visual person.

I'm feeling really good about myself. I think it's great that we can get to know

each other like this. You know, there was so much I wanted to see.

I see, I see.

That's why I went to Morocco, where I married Abdul.

But you've got to start with yourself.

Oh, it ended in divorce. But then I met Claude, my ex -husband. Yeah. Yeah,

yeah, and he was this biochemist who was running this newsstand in Munich. Yeah,

I said, Liza, my ex -girlfriend, she was a high school sophomore, was doing a

book report and working for Skavulo.

And I was a step.

It's beginning to happen. I'm transcending. And I was having an

I think I'm beginning to grow.

Fantastic. Extraordinary.

We're going. We're going. Listen, I think I love you.

Listen, what do we call a cab right now? Sure, come on. I'll get a cab. Let's

go. Let's get a cab.

Because if I'm going to take care of you, you've got to be quiet. I can't

a kid who rams on and on.

I thought you were happy.

Jason, you've got to give me the freedom to be unsure of myself.

And you've got no right to be sure that you're happy when I'm not sure that I'm

happy.

Oh, yeah, I understand what you mean.

Maybe we should call it quits. I mean, we have been seeing each other for two

whole days.

Fine.

I'll go get the door.

Hi, Jason. Well, hello again, Susan.

I'm going back to school. Great.

I'm going to Berkeley to get my master's in urban reproductive recycling.

Terrific. I'm ready to raise the kids again.

You know, I'm ready for a change myself.

Good.

So, where's Josh and Jeffrey?

And where's Jennifer?

Jennifer!

Mommy's back.

Uh, we, uh, think she may be somewhere in Brooklyn.

Brooklyn?

Jason, where are my kids?

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not really sure. But I think they may be out

finding themselves. You know, growing, growing. They're out growing.

But they'll be fine. I'm sure they're going to be terrific.

And the baby's still here. And Judy's still here. Judy!

Judy, come on in here!

Oh, hi, Mom.

Judy, my baby.

Guess what? We're going to California.

Did you say you were heading for Berkeley? Can I catch a ride with you

far as Boulder? Sure. Oh, I hear Boulder, Colorado is going to be the

videotaped capital of America.

Well, goodbye, Jason.

Goodbye, Jason.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Susan. Susan, just a second. Yeah?

I've just decided I'm not happy with the plans.

I'm going to run for the Senate, so I'm going to need a kid, preferably one that

can talk, for interviews.

It's going to be good for my image. I'll take Judy.

I like Judy. I'll flip you for her.

Are you crazy? No, come on. I'll flip you for her. You're crazy. I'll flip you

for her. Susan, taking a chance is part of growing.

All right.

I don't have any change. Excuse me, sir. Do you have a coin?

We want to flip for our daughter.

Wait. Give it right back. Ready? Here we go.

Head. Growing myself.

I know that I'm okay growing myself.

Getting better every day. Now I see my life before me.

Everyone will just adore me because I'm free.

To be me.

into the movies till our brains fall out.

Seems like it was only a few days ago when it started.

In fact, it was only a few days ago.

I was just out of college, but I couldn't get a job.

I was desperate, ready to do anything to survive.

You know, these guys really slay me. All I could get for you was 50 bucks for

the night. But don't worry about it. They're big business people, honchos.

They'll be very good for your career.

Besides, you'll get big tits.

I mean, big tips.

Doesn't that kill you?

That's why I emcee my own gigs. I'm humorous.

Thank you.

Okay.

See you there. All right.

of friends taught me a brutal lesson. A lesson that would change my life

forever. I learned what a butter bang was.

My innocence had been broken by a harmless stick of butter and I vowed to

the men who broke me.

Good morning, Paul Everest.

I'm Dominique Corsair.

I've been waiting for you.

Excuse me, Miss. Joyce, we'll do the mail later.

Are you sure, Paul?

Mm -hmm.

Well, Dominique, um... Corsair.

Dominique Corsair.

What can I do for you?

Teach me margarine.

I want to know everything there is to know about margarine.

Everything?

Is that all?

My dear child, margarine is a ruthless industry.

It's no place for a woman.

But you've never met a woman like me.

Joyce. Yes, sir. I'm interviewing Miss Gossett. Please hold all my calls.

Welcome to Hong Kong, Mr. Everett. Yes, you.

Nice to see you. This is my associate, Miss Corsair. Miss Corsair, welcome to

Hong Kong. Thank you. We have a presentation for you.

Oh.

The excitement of my introduction to margarine was so thick, you could cut it

with a knife.

Oh, it's fascinating.

Oh, yes, I know, I know.

It's almost impossible to believe that it was once the mere byproduct of the

lowly, pitiful soybean.

That's unbelievable.

Yes, I know.

Stop, my darling.

This way.

No longer an insignificant little bean, a wholesome and nutritious food stuff

known all over the world.

Ideal for all forms of cooking and baking, delicious in sandwiches.

Perfect for snacks and on toast.

I'm sorry, I get all carried away.

Someday, somehow, we'll have an answer to the most critical question of our

time. Can we make a margarine that tastes better than butter?

We will, darling.

We will.

I love you. And I believe you.

And distribution has always been our greatest problem.

Of course, we have computers today.

You do all the dirty work. I'm not boring you, am I, my darling? Oh, no.

I feel as if margarine has been in my blood forever.

Well, it's been a long day.

And I've taught you almost everything I know about margarine. Let's take a

break.

Oh, Paul.

It belonged to my father. I want you to have it.

It's... It's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

Captain Blake, change in flight plan.

Due south.

Ventropay.

No, don't. Please don't.

Paul?

Why did you stop?

I'm having a heart attack, Dominique.

Oh, we better call a doctor.

No time. Let me talk.

From the moment we met, I knew it would be you. You are like me. You do.

I have margarine in your veins. Now, Paul, you're not going to die. You're

going to die.

Oh, shut up, you little funny face.

I can't move.

I have a massive heart attack and a coronary and a cold.

Listen to me. In my attaché case, ownership papers for Everest Margarine.

signed the presidency over to you.

Oh, my darling.

No, don't try to talk, darling. You must conserve your energy.

No, no, it doesn't matter anymore. I love you.

I love you so, Dominique.

But I'm dying.

I leave you with massive responsibilities and

an unlimited expense account.

Only you can...

lead Everest Margarine into the future, all the rest of my family are weaklings

and degenerate. They hate Margarine. I will, Paul.

I will if you'll just give me a chance.

Now, is this legal, or do we need witnesses?

I'm a notary. Get my seal. It's in the bag. I always travel with it.

You embody the very spirit of Everest Margarine.

I'm really going now. Oh, no, wait. Just a minute. Just one minute, all right?

Okay. One more.

document is perfectly legal.

The new president and chief executive officer of Everest Margarine is

Dominique Corsair.

Dominique.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Everest Margarine has many new worlds to conquer and many new frontiers to

explore. And I think I need some new clothes, though.

If you'll excuse me.

My condolences to the immediate family.

I missed Paul.

We'd shared many wonderful minutes together.

But he was dead.

And I needed someone to help me gain my revenge.

Congratulations, Miss Corsair.

My name is Jeff Steele. I'm here representing the butter industry.

And now that poor Mr. Everest is gone, I thought that the industries could learn

to live together.

Why not?

Margarine and butter have to coexist, Tommy.

There's room for both of us. That's why I'm on the board of Everest Margarine.

Even though your father, Walter Steele, is head of Universal Dairy?

You know my father?

I met him once at a party with some friends of his.

My father lives in the past. He refuses to recognize anything but butter, milk,

and cream.

I've wanted to merge with Everest Margarine for years, but the old bastard

listen.

But if my father were...

Out of the way, then.

Butter and milk could merge with margarine and other non -dairy creamers.

possibilities are enormous.

Aren't they, though?

Hello?

I did it! You did what?

I did it! I did it! My father had this...

Deadly Amazon Indian blowgun that shoots poison darts? It was over in seconds.

I got him while he was eating dessert.

Now we can merge.

Butter and margarine, you and me.

Don't be a fool.

I have no intention of merging with anyone.

This conversation is being taped. The police should be there any minute.

You're kidding. I know you're only kidding. You don't mean that, Tommy.

You can't do this to me.

You're a cold -blooded murderer, Jeffy.

Stop. Calling me Dommy.

Dominique!

Now I wanted to break the butter business and make margarine even bigger

better than butter.

Thank you.

Kessler, I want you to buy Universal Dairy outright.

We can use it as collateral to buy controlling interest in the five other

dairy companies.

I want to own them all. So do it by tonight.

That's right, Kessler, by tonight.

Oh, and tell all the factory managers that they're no longer making butter or

any other dairy product.

They're making margarine.

Only margarine.

Thank you.

I was now ready to meet Nixos Naxos, the wealthiest Greek tycoon on earth.

I am Naxos. He is my son, Nicky. I am Mrs.

Naxos. I am Dominique Corsair.

And I don't like your shoes.

Dominique Corsair, what a woman you are!

Come,

we eat. I have eaten.

But first I must change.

Naxos owns everything.

Oil, shipping, metals.

You see these little silver nail clippers?

Naxos owns them.

That's not why I'm here, Naxos.

You are here because you own the butter. And because you own every Greek coffee

shop in the free world.

Oh, we will do business, Naxos.

But I'm taking butter off the market.

From now on... You'll serve nothing but margarine.

What a woman you are, Dominique Corsaire.

Come,

Dominique Corsair.

We go to Rome and make love.

Dominique Corsair, you speak like a poet.

I want to make love again.

I want to marry you. Noxus, you already are married.

I can get married any time I want. I am Noxus. I make my own rules.

Noxus can marry 50 women.

Noxus can marry a chair.

Come, we go back home to my island.

I got to know Knox's wife and his son, Nicholas.

Nicholas was throbbing violently on the brink of manhood.

Helena was a woman scorned.

Thank you.

I knew Noxus would soon discard me the way he discarded Helena.

I had to avenge myself in advance.

This thing we have done, is it wrong, Mother?

I'm not your mother, Nicholas.

But you married my father, Mother.

Yes, but you're not my son.

Your father's other wife is your mother. You are your mother's son.

All I know is that I love you and that I want you to marry me, Mother.

I'm not your mother, Nicholas.

My husband, your wife.

Your son. What is this?

What is this?

I have made love with your son, my husband. But you are my wife. Helena is

wife. I am your other wife. I am sorry, father.

She is my mother.

My wife is also your mother, son.

Why?

Why do you do this? Because I wanted to. You wanted to?

I wanted to. Only I, Naxos, can make love to my own son. I am Greek.

But now... I cannot.

It's ruined.

I will kill you.

No, I cannot kill you.

I love you.

I will kill you. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No,

no. I may still want to make love to you later, you're my son.

Noxus must kill someone.

You taught me you wound me. You embittered my heart.

You taught me you wound me.

You tortured me forever.

Wife, your son has made love to my wife.

Someone must die for this.

You are the only one we could think of.

was convicted of murder.

His final request was to be executed on his private golf course in Monte Carlo.

I inherited the vast empire

of Nixos Naxos.

Any ordinary college graduate would have been happy.

But I still yearned for something money and power couldn't buy.

Go on, Dr. Kleiner.

As you know, I've been experimenting with Marjorie in my laboratories.

Yesterday, by mistake, I brought some experimental margarine to my mother in

hospital. Oh, is something wrong?

She has cancer.

She is 107 years old.

There is in her room, by her bed, a color television set.

The color television tube irradiated the experimental margarine before she ate

it.

Today, I went back to see her.

She was laughing and singing and dancing all around the room.

And she had the strength to pick up her bed and throw it at the nurse.

She is cured.

You mean... Jawohl.

If people will only eat a margarine and watch television, cancer will be cured.

The Corsair Industries have found a cure for cancer.

Thank you, Dr. Kleiner.

That'll be all, Dr. Kleiner.

Jawohl.

Would this bring the happiness that had eluded me for a day and a half?

Hours ago, the world had no cure for cancer.

Now, thanks to Marge, we do.

It is with sincere pride that I accept this most coveted award in Western

civilization, the Nobel Prize.

And I thank you for awarding it to me out of season.

All America is so proud of you, Dominique.

Thank you, Mr. President.

If it wouldn't be too much to ask, I would certainly like a sample of your

cancer cure for my mother. I'd be most happy to give you anything you want, Mr.

President.

Funny, I was going from a Greek tycoon to a president of the United States.

Usually it's the other way around.

How do you like this flat?

It once belonged to King Gustav of Sweden.

It's beautiful.

Robert, darling, why don't you tell me what you really think, what you feel?

I love you, Dominique.

I have 20 mistresses, but I don't need any of them anymore.

You've given me more than any woman could possibly give.

I want to marry you.

surprise for you.

Just a small token of my love.

It's a replica of the presidential seal in gold and precious gems. Here.

Let me help you put it around your neck. Oh, no.

I'll put it on later.

Do you like it? I love it. It's beautiful.

Let me help you. Yeah.

Mr.

President.

Senator Edmondson, you're looking good. Congratulations on your latest marriage.

And this must be the little woman.

It must be wonderful being president.

You remember my wife, the First Lady, of course. Hello.

How do you do? How do you do? This is our guest of honor, Dominique Corsair.

Welcome.

Hello.

Well, old Washington is delighted to give this party in your honor.

You're a fantastic woman.

Good evening. Thank you.

This is First Lady.

Hello.

When you have a moment, I'd like a word with you.

Ah, I have the second dance free.

Your husband and I have to do the first one for the photography, as you know.

Good evening. How nice to see you.

My husband looked more relaxed.

I want him to be happy.

And you, Lucille, are you happy?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I feel happy with you.

And I with you.

the President of the United States, his wife, and his girlfriend.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, please be seated.

It's good to see you all here once again.

You all know my wife, Lucille, our First Lady.

At this time, she has an announcement of some national importance.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have come to a decision which I believe will aid my

husband in becoming the greatest president the United States has ever

had, and in turn will help our country to realize its destiny of greatness.

I have decided that it is my duty...

To relinquish my role as wife of the president and first lady and to yield

honors and responsibilities to his girlfriend,

Dominique Corsair, the woman I love.

Thank you.

Three days ago, I was a lonely college graduate without a job, without love,

without money, without success.

And now, I am the most powerful woman in the world.

But am I really happy?

Damn right I'm happy!

We'll get thriller.

Going to the movies.

Fight for killer.

Going to the movies.

Ringing in the rain.

Going to the movies till we go insane.

Smog. Killer in the smog. A dirty cloak of pollution that shards the foul.

Activities of criminals and empresses.

with vengeance of the dead.

Ah.

Can you make me 12 copies of this right away?

These old comics.

They were great.

The new ones, they stink.

Nothing in real life ever happens that exciting. Can you make me 12 copies of

this now?

Your driver's license?

Yes, please.

What do you got, 12 cards?

No, no, no, no, no.

Turned me down for a vacation loan.

For a vacation, see.

So I've decided to brutally murder a bunch of women to settle the score.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I thought I'd leave a Xerox copy of my driver's license.

It was my picture and everything.

Sounds pretty psycho to me.

Okay, gentlemen.

Okay, gents.

Come on, will you kindly do me the honor of gracing this briefing room with your

presence? Come on, everybody.

Sit down, will you?

What do you mean? I've been on the force 22 years.

And I've come to the conclusion that people are shit. You want to talk about

shit, pal? Let's talk about the goddamn legal system.

You call this beer?

Life's a real piece of shit, huh?

Oh, no.

Mine's not.

My life's pretty darn good.

I bet you've been here a couple of shitty months.

Hey, Nagurski.

Stan Nagurski.

I'm Grandpa Coney, your new partner.

I think it's Flash Gordon.

My wife divorced me. Then she died. I'll tell you about it sometime.

Okay, gentlemen.

I suppose you've all heard about the driver's license killer. The guy who

Xerox copy of his driver's license in the bodies of all the women he's

Any of you guys got any leads?

Any clues?

Ideas? Anything?

Yes. Officer Filoni.

Officer Brent Falcone.

Why don't we just get his name and address off his driver's license?

This young officer here apparently thinks this is a picture show in a

This is real life, Falone.

Walk into the DA's office with evidence like that, there's shit in your holster.

Well, I beg your excuse. I've got to take a shit.

All right, everybody.

I guess that's it.

Let's hit the streets.

Oh,

look over there

He looks like he's not feeling very well.

Stan, can I get out and see if he needs any help?

I don't give a damn who cares.

This is exciting.

How you doing, pal?

How does it look like I'm doing, man?

Wow. This is fantastic.

You're my first confrontation.

Yeah, lucky me.

Say, what do you got?

They wouldn't fill my prescription.

No?

No. Well, what's it for?

Cough drops.

Cough drops?

I woke up this morning.

I think it was this morning, but it could have been a couple of weeks ago.

But I woke up this morning. You poor fella.

Listen, you better come with me. I don't know when it was because I wake up a

lot, you know. Yeah, me too.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Too tight?

Yeah, that hurts.

Well, maybe we have some lotion in the car.

Yeah, that'd be real nice.

You're a good guy.

Here we go.

Excuse me, sir.

Here, let's go this way. Hey, Stan, I made an arrest.

What about my dog?

What kind of dog is it? A blue dog.

Blue dog?

Stan, we better find this kind of dog.

I don't think it'll be very hard to find. How the hell with this dog?

It's a blue dog.

There aren't many blue dogs around.

That's for sure. Comfortable?

No.

So anyway, I got my master's in social welfare.

And at the same time, I got real active with the World Health Fund.

I also work with the International Symphony Guild on weekends.

You know what we're doing?

We're sending 10 ,000 local Mexican kids to a two -week symphony camp in Mexico

City where they can learn music in a real Mexican setting.

Isn't that wonderful?

Fine, fine, fine.

Now I'm going to give you the first of Nagurski's laws.

Never throw water on a sleeping junkie.

What? What are you doing?

I'm wet.

I'm wet. What are you getting the shit out of me for? I'm wet. I'm wet.

Look.

We have a... Oh, I'm sorry.

We have a niner, sevener, niner, Caucasian, five foot three inch,

squirreling female being thrown out of a car.

Stan, they're killing that girl. Fuck that.

Let's go over to Sunset and talk to some whores. She's in the street.

Balcony.

Now I'm going to give you my law number two.

Never investigate anything where you might possibly have to get out of the

Where's my dog?

I got this dog, you know, who is really messed up because...

He was doing some animal tranquilizer or something like that.

Really?

Yeah. And when I got up, I reached over to smack my

dog. No. Yeah.

Because when I get up, I like to smack him.

I went whack, you know, and that's not nice. My

dog got really pissed off.

Sure. And he ran in the bedroom and he put some Ajax in my syringe

and fucked me up, right?

So I may not be too high right now, but

I'm clean.

Flake out, Mac, flake out.

Nagurski's Law Number Three.

Always call the car a vehicle around whores. They get off on that.

Good evening, ladies.

Want to step over to the vehicle, please?

What's new, girls?

I was stabbed in the leg by an aircraft mechanic.

I'm sorry. Some creep went and killed Stacy.

Left a Xerox of his driver's license right on her face.

Man, that was weird, Stan.

Nice talking to you, girls.

We'll see you around.

Be careful.

Bye -bye.

8 -9 -10 -er, 8 -9 -10 -er, 8 -9 -10 -er, 8 -9 -10 -er.

What am I doing?

I'm going to hit the flashers, okay?

Help yourself.

This is fantastic.

I can't tell you how excited I am to be riding with you. I'm glad you're

excited, but, you know, I don't want to say anything, but you could be a little

boring. You know?

Really? I like your enthusiasm, but you're boring.

And turn the damn flashers off.

You know, he's right, man. You are boring. You're a real drag, you know? I

flake out.

Yeah, okay, man.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night. Good night, man.

I like you.

Am I a drag?

What? Am I really boring?

Nah, you're okay.

It's just that he's a pain in the ass.

Don't you think you're too hard on the fella? I said he's a pain in the ass.

At least I'm not boring.

Well, don't be too sure.

Code 412.

Code 412. Break in Sunset Boulevard.

Corner Gardener. Freedom Qatar.

Negerski's law number four.

Never go near a music store that's been cut into with an acetylene torch.

Hey, man, get out of my face.

I didn't mean to be in your face.

Um, why don't we just bop over to my house, look around the garage.

I'll bet we can rig up a set of drums just for you.

Stan, a little kid shot me.

Oreos. Devil cream.

Did you see that?

Things weren't always this bad, Balcony.

Back in the old days, people respected cops.

The ones that didn't, we busted their ribs and locked them up.

But today, it's a fucking joke out there.

Can't convict them, can't arrest them.

As long as they don't come between me and my chilly dog to hell with them.

I still think somebody's got to care.

Excuse me for interrupting your lunch.

Officer Brent Falcone here.

If any of you would like to talk about this...

I just want you to know, I'm here to listen.

Chandler and try to arrest Samuel Stockman, a .k .a. driver's license

considered armed, and has a lawyer.

We're here.

4013 Chandler.

that guy.

I take my wife everywhere, but she finds a way home.

I said to my wife, where do you want to go for your anniversary?

She said, I want to go somewhere I've never been before. I said, try the

kitchen.

Hey, Stan, what do we do?

You heard him. The guy's got a lawyer.

Stan, looks like a 211 in there.

You better call for backup.

I'll go on the bystanders. One of those mothers could be in on it, Val Coney,

and blow your face away.

I've got to try.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, please.

Move back.

Move back.

Somebody could get hurt. Please, walk back.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Hi,

honey.

I've been shot again.

Look at you.

Look at me.

Look at your son.

Look at the dog.

It's not just the dog, Brent.

Cats all up and down the neighborhood are being handcuffed by your son.

I don't know who you are anymore.

Jerry?

Do you see what's happening to us?

at this look at this you're starting to wear all the same ugly bargain basement

garbage the other off -duty cops wear oh you ever see yourself in that stuff

you look like a cop and look at me i don't want to wear blue anymore you know

that brent goodbye

stanley uh we got a guy in here he's got a hot dip

on the driver's license

I'll give you a hot tip.

Turn off your hearing aid any time a stoolie wants to send you something.

Six to one, he's trying to send you down the river. No, no, no, Stan.

This guy's on the level. I'm telling you. He's not just trying to make a

Come on, Stan.

Did he interrogate you?

That's a waste of time.

You're going to be proud of me.

I need good practice.

Yeah, I'm proud enough of you.

I don't need this.

He calls himself Mousy.

No kidding.

Also known as Marvin Jerome, Milton James, Mark Lejean, small -time

con man.

Likes to expose himself to household pets.

What's new, Mousy?

I'm straight, Ligursky.

This is strictly legit.

You know that psycho?

He came to my photocopying shop last week.

He came back again today.

Thanks. No, I only smoke menthols.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I think that psycho's ready to strike again.

You do?

That's an interesting theory, Massey. He wanted a dozen more copies of that

driver's license I made for him last week.

I said, no way, pal.

You ain't getting nothing.

And then he said he's going to start murdering women again this afternoon.

Maple and Chandler.

Excuse me. What?

I'm Officer Brent Falcone.

May I see some identification, please?

I'll give you a copy of my driver's license.

Okay.

Damn it.

Can I help you?

You're going to have to come with me.

Where are you going?

You're innocent until proven guilty.

Buckle up.

What a trip!

How about we grab a sandwich?

Bite free.

Get a hold of yourself.

Get a hold of yourself.

Don't try anything funny.

I know this thing.

Sure you do.

Hey, Brent, you better watch out, man. That guy is nuts.

He's whacked out. He does a lot of dope.

You play?

Don't try anything funny.

Classical or pop?

Folk, probably.

That's great.

So do I.

What's your favorite song?

Lots of things.

Do you know feelings?

Sit down.

Listen to this.

Nothing more than feeling.

Trying to forget my feelings

of love.

You know, I hear they got a pretty good band up in the state prison.

What do you say I just come up and visit with you?

We could jam together.

Yeah.

Hey, I know about guys like you.

Somewhere along the line, you took a wrong turn.

All you need is a... A little support.

A little direction.

You'll be back doing your own thing.

Maybe you'll even have your own band.

Feelings.

All of my life of feelings.

Meanwhile, I'd be happy to keep an eye on your place.

You know, water the plants.

Get a cleaning lady in every once in a while.

It's really no sweat.

Hey, just leave me an extra set of keys in the kitchen.

That is... If you can trust a cop.

If I can trust a cop?

If I can trust a cop?

done that, Mrs. Stockman?

That does it.

That does it!

What do I have to do to get through to you guys, huh?

I mean, what the fuck do I have to do?

I go around busting my balls for you, huh?

This is what I get? Will you get this?

Where did we go wrong, huh?

Your mommy didn't give you enough love?

Let me give you some love.

Here's some love.

Want a little more love?

All right.

Do you believe this guy, Stan?

I was going to take care of his place.

I was going to look after him.

I was even going to give him a job with the band.

But you don't fucking deserve no job with the band, man.

You probably couldn't even play for shit, you know that?

You couldn't even watch out for shit.

Your singing sucks, you know that? It sucks.

Hang it, Brant.

Hey, kid.

Ah, don't take it so hard.

Everybody shoots somebody sometimes.

It's a cop's life.

Car 7 -Eleven at 12 -Eleven. Family dispute at 7 -Eleven, 12 -Eleven, 12th

Street. There's a reason you have to...

It's your turn, Stan.

What?

It's your turn.

My turn? I've got seniority. I don't give a shit.

Oh, come on. Get out of the car.

What?

Get out of the fucking car.

All right.

All right.

Give me my cap.

Come on.

Twit.

Salcone's law number one.

Let Nagorski do it.

You've got to let your anger out! Will you let it out?

You've got to show people that you can... All

right,

break it up, break it up.

Don't shoot me. I'm here to help you.

Oh, okay.

Wow. Somebody woke me up.

I hate cops that don't want to get involved.

Guys like that just don't seem to care.

I think I'm coming under some acid.

I did in 1967.

You a swimmer, I'm a jock.

While we sit here in the dark.

I'm a robot with a gun.

You a super frantic nun.

You a country star, I'm a brave GI.

In a stolen car from a time as fast.

You the beauty queen, I'm the science rock.

With your seconds on the clock before the bomb goes off.

Going to the movie.

Double feature.

Going to the movie.

Creepy creature.

Going to the movie.

Oh, plantation.

Going to the movie.

That's plantation.

Going to the movie is going to rap, rap, rap.

Going to the movie is going to brain fall.