Original subtitles

Welcome to "Sports Shouting!"

The first round of NFL Hall of Fame voting

starts this week.

And I'm here with six of the loudest throats in football.

Tom, you're on the selection committee.

Who's getting in? Everyone, answers.

I would say Jerry Basmati,

but I'm already in the Hall of Fame, baby.

Pow, pow, life is good.

It's not! It's pain!

Life is pain!

Okay, let's take a call. You're on "Sports Shouting!"

Who are you? Who do you like?

Hmm, caller first time, I am.

Support Jets running back, Reggie Dinkins, I do.

We know it's you, Dinkins. Stop calling.

You're pathetic, Dinkins!

I told you Yoda wouldn't work.

Who's Yoda?

What would it mean for me to be in the Hall of Fame?

Dude, that's why we're doing this whole documentary.

We've never gotten even one vote before,

but this year feels different.

We've got some good press.

And Salami Joe's put the Reggie Dinkins

back on the menu.

I want the world to see that my dad is a legend,

so I'm trying to get #supportRD trending.

Oh, my God, it's working. - Oh.

Wait, that's not about Reggie Dinkins.

As many as seven in ten seniors

may suffer from rectal dementia.

Nope. What do you got, Rusty?

Okay, I talked to all my fellow kickers,

and they don't think any "hand touchers"

should be in the Football Hall of Fame.

I respect that.

Hey, T, what are you doing to help the cause?

Oh, well, I'm just making a documentary about all of it.

But what about a teaser trailer?

Any Smash Mouth song you want, I'll pay for it.

Well, I suppose I can assemble something, Reggie,

but for the last time, "Shrek" owns Smash Mouth.

Ah!

♪ The fall and rise ♪

♪ Of Reggie Dinkins

Sad news, folks--legendary sportswriter Tom Branose

passed away during the commercial break.

But he died doing what he loved--

shouting on television about how he was being silenced.

Rest in peace, but that guy sucked.

He said he'd never vote for you

during a Hurricane Katrina fundraiser.

Branose was one

of the New York-area voters, which means...

There'll be an opening on the selection committee.

You've never gotten a single vote

from these people in 15 years. - Neither have you, Monica.

But an open seat on that committee is an opportunity.

It's like the Supreme Court.

- Or Wu-Tang. - Or musical chairs.

Do you need more examples, Monica?

What if Branose's replacement is more open-minded?

That could mean an actual vote for you.

But how do people get on the committee?

Okay, they told me, but it was boring.

So I'ma tell you while doing ASMR.

The selection committee

is made up of players, coaches, and sportswriters

from every city with an NFL team,

as well as 17 at-large delegates.

Now, to get to a product

I have been waiting to share with you--

Takis has partnered with Tampax.

I've been embedded with the Dinkinses for months now,

so there's thousands of hours of footage

from which to cut a trailer.

There's a reason why I haven't been talking

about my pops.

Have you been using my prescription shampoo?

I guess it's just been using itself, then.

Thanks, gang. Mystery solved.

Okay, obviously not that.

Let's see the back.

Okay, keeping it tight. - Ah, trying.

Now, look, you all stay. I want this on tape.

Nope.

- ♪ If you wanna hug me - ♪ Better say you love me ♪

both: ♪ With a little kiss or two

♪ Yow!

Yeah, yeah, go, go, go.

Oh, um, uh, they spit into my mouth at a BAFTAs after-party.

- Gary Oldman. - No, no, no, the other one.

Oh, Olivia Colman.

Yeah, ha ha!

It's all about me.

I worked so hard to embed myself, I went too far.

For God's sake, I'm filming myself right now.

I know I'm being compelling, but I have to stop filming.

Sources are telling "Sports Shouting!"

that former Jets coach Duck Donovan

has been tapped to join the NFL selection committee.

Gentlemen and a lady, let's shout about that.

DeQuarius Donovan hates you.

That's not what Duck is short for.

That's the least of our problems, Monica.

- Why would they even pick him? - For real.

His LinkedIn says

he's a referee at a singles flag-football league.

Now, if I was a betting man--

and I am, it's a problem, I live in a hotel--

I would have let it all ride

on New Jersey's own Jerry Basmati

being the next committee member.

They did ask, Brett, but I've got "AM New Jersey,"

my QVC show selling phone cases and waffle makers,

plus my men's retreat upstate,

where fellas can regain their masculinity

by making phone cases and waffle makers.

It helped me a lot after my third or fourth divorce.

So I called the committee,

and I put my full weight behind Duckery Donovan.

I was close.

He and I see eye to eye on who should be in the Hall...

and who definitely should not.

Basmati!

I'm so mad and also now want waffles!

This is bad. Jerry Basmati got Reggie's old coach

to be a Hall of Fame voter, and he hates Reggie.

Could you do that somewhere else?

Oh, I'm sorry that my sister cares about your life.

I'm sorry about him, girl.

She's not wrong about Coach, Reg.

I loved John Proctor as the villain...

as much as I hate Reggie [long bleep] Dinkins.

Look, this doesn't have to change our plan.

If Donovan's a voter, we just find a way to convince him.

Sometimes Hail Marys get caught.

I don't know, Monica.

You ain't see Duck when he came over here.

You know when white guys get mad

and they face turn red and their neck is, like, purple

and it makes you ask yourself,

what color is they penis right now?

Arthur was there. He'll tell you.

Arthur!

Don't leave me hanging out, dog!

We talked about this!

Where is Mr. Tobin?

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, boy, yeah. He gonna kill us, Brina.

You know white boys always snap.

I'ma be sad to be dead,

but I'ma be happy to be right.

It has become clear to me

that I have inadvertently centered myself

in the narrative.

From now on, I'm just going to...

disappear.

Okay. I'm gonna let God handle that.

How the hell am I supposed to convince a man

who blames me for ruining his life

to vote for me?

I might have an idea.

Hey, guys.

Since Arthur Tobin isn't around,

you wanna talk about him behind his back?

I really like him.

My dad is obsessed with the Hall of Fame.

You know every year on my birthday

he asks to borrow my wish?

He promises he's good for it, but...

That must be hard on you.

Do you think that's why you've been acting out lately?

I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.

No?

So I was reviewing footage the other night,

and I-I came across this.

Good night, Mr. Cameraman.

After everyone is to bed, you sneak out.

Shh.

Hours later, you return as tipsy as the patrons

in the club described by Shaboozey.

It--it--it was only that one night.

I mean, my a capella group made regionals,

and Dinesh stole a bottle of rosé from his mom.

Mr. Tobin, please don't show my parents.

But...

you actually can't, can you?

I mean, you said you weren't getting involved anymore.

Well, of course, there is part of me that wants to.

You are underage.

Although in England,

you can drink at home starting at age five.

That's true.

Um, but, look, as an objective observer,

no, I-I would never use any of this

unless it somehow became the story.

Uh, so, just to clarify,

you're not gonna tell my parents?

- I cannot. - Cool, bye.

Hey, Coach!

Dinkins.

Wow, Dinkins. What are you doing here?

Wouldn't have anything to do with me getting

on the selection committee, would it?

Because you know there's no way I'm voting for you.

You ruined my life.

And that's exactly why you should vote for him.

Think about it--the two of you were one game away

from winning the Super Bowl.

But after Reggie got kicked out of the league,

the team imploded, and so did you.

You lost your job, your wife.

Your "Golden Bachelor" audition went viral,

and it was sad.

My ex knew all the passwords.

I can't figure out how to reset them, so...

that's what I'm looking for.

How is any of this supposed to make me

want to vote for you?

'Cause either I was so good at football

that me not playing for the Jets

is the only reason why your life blew up.

Or Reggie wasn't a Hall of Fame-caliber talent,

and this is all your fault.

Donovan, we gotta start the game.

We lose the field in an hour. - Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'll be--I'll be right there, sir.

Un-frickin'-believable.

You know, I have always blamed you for everything.

I mean, I'm not about to blame my own drinking,

my own infidelity, or how I spent all my savings

trying to reverse my circumcision.

Nope, it was all my fault, all of it.

It has nothing to do with you.

Yeah.

Yeah, because Dinkins is just that good

at football.

All right, you got my vote.

Oh, my God, Reggie.

You're gonna get a vote for the Hall.

Oh, I'm not stopping there.

I'm gonna fight for you in the room.

I am gonna get you in the Hall.

And then the whole world will know--

- It was all my fault. - Your fault.

Donovan!

You got all that, right? His fault.

- Whoo! Hey. - Things are looking up, y'all.

And if history has taught us anything,

it's that the vote of old white men can change the world.

Ha ha.

Hey, Jer Bear.

You don't nickname me. I nickname you,

Reggie... Stupid.

Look, man, I don't got time for this.

In 30 seconds,

I'm interviewing a lizard that dialed 911.

I spoke to your new best friend, Duck Donovan.

Oh, really?

Which reminds me, how's our ass taste?

- Ha ha! - Real bad.

But not for long, 'cause you done poked the wrong Jer Bear.

That's right. I'm owning it now.

When he's not eating crickets,

one local lizard is stopping bicycle thieves.

This isn't over, you son of a bitch.

I-guana talk to that little guy.

Machine does 10s.

- Hey, there, friend. - "Friend"? Well, okay.

How would you like to go for a van ride?

We got sandwiches.

- What kind of sandwiches? - All kinds of sandwiches.

Oh. What's up, Arthur?

- No. Ignore me. - Oh, that's right.

You're--you're not here.

Oh, no.

I left a hard-boiled egg in my shorts.

Sorry, buddy.

I'm coming to save and eat you.

Oh, that's really in there.

Ah! Uh-oh. Oh, boy.

Okay, Arthur? Arthur, can you help me?

Whoa!

Oh, no! My body completed the seal!

Oh, the cycle is starting!

Arthur, help! Arthur!

Now, Mr. Donovan, what sold you

on Basmati Ministries men's retreat?

Was it the sandwiches?

Oh, look, yeah, I-I was skeptical at first.

But as the faith counselors

at Jerry Basmati's annual 12-month masculinity retreat

explained to me,

I am in need of a kind of structure

that no committee could provide.

Well, good for you, Duckery.

- He's out? - You've gotta be kidding me.

I was craving the community and sense of purpose

that only comes with assembling

and shipping waffle makers.

I'm glad you're having fun,

but that just means one more job

for my poor work husband here.

Sexless, just like my real marriage,

'cause with this schedule--

when, Ron? When?

You gotta make time, Kaylie.

And I will be making time

to step up as the newest member

of the Pro Football Hall of Fame selection committee.

You-guana be on that committee.

That's not an ongoing thing, Kaylie.

That was just for that one lizard story.

Okay, uh, okay.

This is a setback, but I know exactly what to do.

Yep, I got this.

Okay.

I thought if I kept talking, an idea would come to me,

but maybe if I keep saying words--

This can't be game over.

It's overtime! We gotta do more stuff!

Help, someone help!

Hurry! Help!

My Rusty!

Oh, God, again?

He was just standing there like a psycho.

What the hell, Arthur? Why didn't you help?

You think I didn't want to?

I've told you-- I cannot get involved.

There have to be boundaries. - "Boundaries"?

Arthur, there are no boundaries here.

Rusty was in the delivery room when Carmelo was born.

Okay, I didn't wanna be.

Reggie said he deserved a partner there too.

And how many times have you seen me in the shower?

If you stopped FaceTiming me from in there, it'd be less.

It just is what it is.

I mean, I still represent my ex-husband.

And I'm friends with my fiancé's ex-wife.

I might be her only friend.

Guys, Mr. Tobin is a great filmmaker.

And part of what makes him great

is that he never gets involved.

Ever, right?

The point is, this family is like using a public bathroom

while wearing a jumpsuit.

It's chaos. It's messy.

It could be a disaster at any moment.

But in the end, it's worth it,

because I look good in a jumpsuit.

We are a beautiful mess.

And like it or not, your mess is a part of it.

That is the problem, Reggie. I am a part of it.

And I don't want my personal life to ruin another project.

And it's already gone too far. I mean, I--

I love you guys.

How could I ever stay objective?

I'm sorry.

This is how it has to be.

We have marital bed

this afternoon. - Mm-hmm.

But, first, you're doing a ribbon cutting

at that new flat-Earth planetarium.

- Oh, okay. - Jerry!

Well, well...

- One more, baby. - Well.

I guess you heard the news. - Yeah, not cool, Basmati.

You took advantage of Duck's sad-ass life.

No, I gave him a fresh start.

You're the one that tricked him into supporting you.

You think I'd let that stand?

No, it's gonna sit. - Sit all the way down.

Look, Jerry, I know you hate me.

Rivals gotta hate.

But that's the reason why you should vote for me.

There's no Magic without Bird,

no Ali without Foreman, no Seabiscuit without...

both: Jazzy Joe, the horse. - We get it, man.

Did you really come all the way here

to try to change my mind about you?

I'm not some broken old dude you can just throw in a van.

I can't believe you thought that would work on me.

I can't believe it either.

Jerry and I can't believe the same stuff,

and that's why our marriage works.

Being rivals doesn't make me respect you, Dinkins.

I hate being mentioned in the same breath as you...

because you're a bad person.

Yeah, gambling is a sin, right?

But only if you play sports? - Come on.

I was young and dumb, and I only bet on myself.

You are an embarrassment.

And that's why I'm gonna make sure

you never get into the Hall of Fame.

Oh, and don't try to use this footage 'cause clearly it's AI.

Oh, yeah, y'all AI'd us.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You are the bad person.

Reggie Dinkins is a good person.

He is the type of man who, when you fall asleep in front

of the TV, you wake up with a blanket over you,

a glass of water on the coffee table,

and your teeth are brushed. - Hold up, what--

He came here today to give you a chance

to do the right thing.

But now I see why you could never stop Reggie on the field.

'Cause you're weak, Jerry,

like a little baby sucking on your daddy's fingers,

too stupid to know there's no milk gonna come out of there.

You don't even have the strength

to change your own mind, let alone anybody else's.

He changes my mind all the time--

who I vote for, what I'm ordering.

I was Jewish when we met.

What are you even talking about,

you Elijah Wood-looking-ass bitch?

First of all, he looks like me, okay?

I'm three days older.

And they thought that if they changed your mind,

you'd do what Duck was gonna try and do

and sway the whole committee.

But you, sir, couldn't sway a palm tree

if you were the breeze.

I can't believe him.

You also can't believe him, right, baby?

We both can't believe? Baby!

- You coming, Arthur? - Uh, no.

But, look, I can recommend

some excellent directors to replace me.

Now that PBS is gone,

Ken Burns is just doing quinceañera videos, so...

Dude, just because you're in the movie,

doesn't mean it's bad.

It's just different.

Like when they didn't wanna give Beyoncé a country award,

they didn't cancel the Grammys.

Those crackers just made up a whole new category.

You don't understand.

I have always made observational documentaries.

And, well, this film isn't that.

It is participatory, clearly.

And it's reflexive,

because we're talking about it on camera.

So it's something else altogether--like Sunny D.

It's orange, and it's juice, but it's not orange juice.

It's some third other thing. What is it?

I have no idea what Sunny D or this film is.

Because it's new.

It's a Tobin-umentary.

Monica.

No.

I doubt anyone will call it that...

or teach it in a film school...

or eventually name an Independent Spirit Award

after me.

No, no, no, no, one--one step at a time, guys.

One step at a time.

I did like watching you go at Jerry Basmati like that.

I was a little afraid he was gonna rip you in half.

Yes, in half, I had the same thought.

Mr. Tobin...

so now that you're doing the, uh...

Tobin-umentary, yes-- well, I hear

that's what they're calling it. - Okay.

I just wanted to make sure that

you still weren't gonna tell my parents about the...

Carmelo, as a documentarian,

I think I've made it clear I cannot.

Okay, cool.

But as this new hybrid filmmaker,

older brother, uncle, friend of your parents

who cares about you and the choices you make...

You're in big trouble, boy.

When we heard what Carmelo had done...

we were so relieved.

Thrilled, actually.

He's always been a great kid.

Too great. He's never been in trouble.

And those kids end up weird.

Like bird-owner weird.

And I did not wanna have to step-mom a nerd.

What am I gonna do at a science fair?

But now we have to punish him for the first time ever.

So how do we do that?

Young man, you go to your--your room?

Yes, and, also, we're going to take away your--

Not my Switch.

Yes, your Switch.

Now, you think about that the next time

you wanna make mischief and memories

like a normal teenager!

both: Pow.

Hey Dinkins, you got company.

Oh, God, why?

My house has more chandeliers.

Come on, now, Jerry.

What else do you have to say to me?

Nothing. I came to say something to him.

That little reverse "Blind Side" said

I couldn't change anyone's mind, like I didn't matter.

Well, I took that personally.

What are you doing? You already said this stuff.

Get out of here.

Well, I took that personally.

And Jerry Basmati can do anything I put my mind to.

You can't refer to yourself in the third

and the first person in the same sentence, man.

Whether it's winning Super Bowls

or selling my cologne to the troops

or learning Dutch for no reason...

And I'm gonna prove it to you,

because I can too change minds...

of every single member

of the Hall of Fame selection committee.

So you gonna get me in the Hall?

Damn, okay.

No, not you.

Him.

Wait, what?

That'll drive you crazy, huh--

waking up in a house every day

with someone who's living your dream and it ain't you?

But I wasn't even very good.

The only time I got on "Top Ten"

was when one of my kicks killed a bird.

Oh, we'll see, Busty.

- You-- - We'll see.

Ah, AI.

- Good night, everybody. - Good night.