Original subtitles

Into you, this is your one message.

Welcome to the morning, my little children.

I just want you to enjoy the news.

America, push my back, oh man, I want you to watch me.

This is not your party, we're the best.

You and your baby right down the phone.

And the guy behind you ain't even know.

Ring, ring, over there.

You're looking at us, you're getting us.

You're looking, you're going to see what's going on.

I love you, I love you.

I love you.

I'm just a guy smiling your voice.

You don't know how things emerge.

Hey, gorgeous.

How about a light snack in a sack?

Hey, Fox.

Want to get a lose in the new?

I could walk the war tomorrow.

This could be my last night alive.

How about giving me something to fight for?

With pleasure.

Hey, Rudy.

Going back to Camp North Star to play

Seth Bowler to the kiddies this summer?

Oh, would you rather play hardball with me?

I'm working for Tripper this summer.

He offered me a job at his place in the river.

I like the outdoors type.

Me too.

I mean, you do.

My parents are away.

We've got the whole afternoon.

Good night.

And if you're still alive, the next day.

Time, 32 seconds, and yes, it's hard as a rock.

As the official score, it's time to approach the wind.

Hey, you could hang a flag on it.

Come on, she touched him.

She touched him.

Below the belt.

If that was, she couldn't touch him below the belt.

Rudy, please.

It was a clean cacti.

She never touched him below the belt.

Hey, suckers.

Count to pick up tons of horny girls.

I can't believe it.

Rudy.

Please, people.

I'm waiting for you. I will die.

I will die. Rudy, please.

Everything.

Everything.

Well, here we are.

Hey, Ken, come here.

Come here.

Use a little something to make your day.

Catch you later, brother.

Take your time.

Hey, you want to pass me the hammer?

Wait a minute. If I can get it.

Here it is. Here.

I got it. I got it.

Easy.

We got it.

We got it.

Easy.

Is Tripper around?

Tripper's retired.

He what?

What are you talking about?

Sold the place to a Mean Gene.

Mean? Why are they calling Mean?

Oh.

Gene's a little sensitive about guys talking to his wife.

He called her the Love Goddess.

Don't look.

Don't look.

Hey, trail turn.

You staring down my main squeeze?

No.

I was-- I was admiring the sky.

Isn't that a cluster of cirrocumulus clouds up there?

Look, fairy fart.

I don't give a rat's ass about your wimp weather reports.

Now spit out your name and your game

so I can decide if I should waste you.

He wants to know who you are and what to do in here.

Then he'll decide whether or not he'll kill you.

Oh. Oh.

Well!

Tripper!

You know, the guy who retired promised me a job.

You see, I was supposed to--

Oh.

So you're the grunt we've been waiting for.

Tripper left you this.

Oh.

Now put this between in your ears, buffalo chip.

I catch you sneaking a peek at the squeeze.

And I'll chew you up and spit you out all over the marina.

Okay.

Now ditch your gear in your hole and get grunting.

Tomorrow we're open for business.

Not here, road apple.

Back there!

Rudy.

Hey, you crazy pervert.

I'm sorry I'm not here to short-sheet your bed,

but I got this great opportunity to manage a female mud-wrestling team in Toledo.

It's been kind of a lifelong dream.

I knew you'd understand.

Me and Gene, the guy who bought my place,

promised to take good care of you.

You're a pal, Tripper.

Oh, great.

Hey, handsome, how about a little surface?

Hello, Al.

Don't point that thing at me unless you intend to use it.

Oh, no.

Wendy, what are you doing here?

You gonna torture me all summer, too?

What's the matter? Scared to be a real woman?

Why, you know, Wendy?

Five dollars, please.

Listen loud.

How about coming over to my place tonight?

Huh?

My parents are going, Al.

I've got a lot of food.

Well, maybe if I've got nothing else better to do.

Then it's a dish!

Well, well, it's the whip in the flesh.

Oh, no. We're gonna have a great summer.

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna put my heart on.

Is that your girlfriend, or am I having a nightmare?

I doubt it, Tom. You need a brain to dream.

Oh!

You told me to be trusted to drop in at night

And girl, you know that I won't die

You told me that you and me was through

But it looked like you got a heck of a hold on you

Make up your mind

Wendy, I'm trying to watch the movie.

Wouldn't you prefer some live action?

No, not really. It's got Roxy Dujour. She's real hot.

It's for you. I'm not going. Forget it. Leave without me.

Oh! Oh! Ow!

Ow! Get out!

Oh, come on. Keep your braces to yourself.

Well, I don't know how to kiss.

Oh, God, it's my parents. You better beat it.

What's the big deal? I just turn off the movie.

If they catch me here with a God, they'll kill me.

Yep, I would. I...

See you later, honk.

Whoa!

Good evening.

The 11 o'clock news has just learned that porn film star Roxy Dujour died today

on the set of her latest film, Eat Me Too.

This kitchen's a mess.

But according to reliable sources,

her last words were, "Oh, God. Oh, my. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, my, God. Yes, yes. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Yes."

You know, Alex Bock?

Can't anybody play that thing up here?

This is heaven, I have to say.

Heaven? What is this? What am I doing here?

Who says you can't have too much of a good time, huh?

A pig motion pictures the wheel in the sky.

I am, sir.

I am in heaven.

It's just the way I pictured it.

This is what? It should be the way I pictured it.

Here, everyone sees it the way they want to see it.

What's the matter? You got something against clothes?

I was working.

They don't make movies like they used to.

So, name?

Roxanne Dijon.

Roxanne Dijon, huh?

Dijon.

Dijon. Let me see what I got here.

I got Dean, Demille, Disney, Delante.

Dijon, Dijon, Dijon, Dijon.

Sorry, there's no Dijon.

You must be mistaken.

Get me casting.

Yeah, listen, I got out here of Roxanne Dijon,

but her name is not on the list.

Hmm. Hmm. I should have figured that.

Sorry, you didn't get the part.

I didn't get the part. I didn't even get to audition.

What do you think life was?

Look, I was a star.

I mean, millions of people love me.

What's the matter? They got something against sex up here?

Are you kidding? The head of the studio invented it.

We are talking good deed here.

So, what should I tell her?

Yes, Chief. Yes. Yes, Chief.

Right of way, Chief. Yes.

Immediately, I will tell her immediately. Yes, sir.

This is your lucky day.

The Chief is looking for a fresh face for his next picture.

He's willing to give you another audition.

- What part? - The part of being a good person.

Helping somebody.

You do that, and we'll sign you to a contract, and you're in.

Almost every night now, someone has my door.

Look me in the eyes, say, what are we here for?

I can't think about it, but I'll go insane.

I hear that crazy music again.

Crazy music, crazy music.

I hear that crazy music again.

Crazy music.

I gotta get laid. I gotta get laid.

I gotta screw my socks off. I gotta blow off my brains.

I gotta pump my heart.

Oh, I wanna get laid.

I wanna go help him.

Well, it's a start, I suppose.

He can't go down like that.

Go see wardrobe.

This won't take long.

I gotta get laid.

- Whatever happened to Gossamer Wings? - Who are you?

Hey, lover boy, give me a hand.

Your wish has just come true.

Thanks for the hand.

You went right through me.

If I can't touch you, how am I gonna...

I think I've gone from horny to crazy.

It was gonna be tougher than I thought.

I bet Wendy dropped acid in my popcorn.

What do you want?

At least you're starting with the right equipment.

Hey, tonight's the only video tape.

A fan.

What do you want with me?

See, kid, it's like this.

I got a little carried away on my last film.

I played the greatest love scene in my life.

There was only one problem. When I was supposed to come, I went.

What?

Putting it bluntly, kid. I died.

I'm a ghost.

Maybe you're just not feeling well.

Maybe you should see a doctor. You know, there's this mental...

I mean, this hospital just a few miles from here.

Yeah, I'd have trouble believing it if I were you, too.

Let's see what I can do to prove it.

How about...

Babricka Dabra.

I got it!

It's just a few miles from here.

I'll call for you.

Give me a minute. I didn't come with instructions.

You know, think on this.

If something don't come to me...

What is it?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Get some rest, kid. Tomorrow's a big day.

I only thought it made you go blind.

Oh!

Oh, my God! It's the River Ranch!

Little River Ranch!

River Ranch!

What's the River Ranch?

May I help you?

Uh, may you help me?

No, uh, I don't need any help.

We need sons.

Huey says do this.

Huey says do this.

Huey says do this. Huey says do this.

Huey says do this. Do this.

Huey didn't say...

Now I'm gonna have to catch you up a little bit.

Ooh!

Come to your device.

Hey, hey, what's going on here?

This is my joint.

Now let's have a little respect.

Are you bothering these guys?

Yes, he was. He certainly was.

These are my tight bros.

Friends!

Get it?

Now come on, bros. Brew's on me.

Hey, clean up the dock, right?

You left a fucking mess.

Swap these dudes.

Yeah, polish my nose.

Roxy were done last night.

Let me see that.

Porno star.

We need porno to get it up, huh, Wimp?

No wonder.

Maybe you should get into porno.

Maybe you should get into porno, Tom,

because you're such a big prick.

Yeah, as if you've ever seen one.

She's so immature, Tommy.

Will someone please tie this airhead down

before she floats away?

You little bitch.

Off my case, pig breath.

Tommy, are you gonna let her get away with this?

Huh?

If I were you, I wouldn't think about getting into the wet t-shirt.

Come on, Tom, get her in the back shop.

I've had a chance of winning.

No hard feelings.

My ribs!

Andy, you asshole!

I'll get you, bitch!

I don't believe this!

Hey, grunt.

No pissing on the dock.

Now swab it down, then deep-huke the men's room.

One of my bros just tossed his cookies,

and I don't want the squeeze to get a whip.

I guess good summer jobs are hard to come by, huh, Ken?

Oh, not you again.

Hey, this is the men's room. Get out of here.

Hey, I've got every right to piss here.

Not you, you!

I've got every right to piss here, too.

Look, I don't know how you do this, Mr. Shurup,

but with my wee-willy winky jerk-off,

and don't call me Miss Bajor.

Let's talk, Ken.

Well, you'll quit saying that. Well, you'll quit staring at him.

You staring at me? What's to stare at?

Really?

Why don't you get out of here? I think you've seen enough.

Yeah, get out of here.

Queer? Who you calling queer?

Don't you guys see what's going on?

There's a lady here.

Oh!

So, that's the queer.

Fine queer, you're my very godmother.

Hey, kid, get a little of this. I've been working on it.

Oh, I couldn't hear myself think with all that noise going on.

You are dead.

And what a way to go.

The climax of the climax of my career.

What do you want with me?

Does the town buff your brains out in any way?

You mean they sent angels down for that?

I never even got a visit from the Tooth Fairy.

What do you say, Ken?

You got nothing to lose but your virginity.

I'm not trying, Mom.

It's a deal.

Terrific.

Great. The next time, stay out of the van.

What a piece.

Are you sure she's really dying for it?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

She's like the welcoming committee. A real nympho.

Now, all you gotta do is stroll through the tavern,

right up into her bedroom for an evening you will never forget.

Oh, yeah, before you go up, I want you to tell the big guy, Gina,

we want to see him outside the bar.

We got a hot tip on a bet for him.

That'll be 20 bucks.

I thought you said 15.

Hey, I lied.

Here you go.

I won.

Let's go.

All right, now, place your bets. Place your bets.

The host says you won't last 20 seconds with the goddess

from the time we see Mean Gene.

All right, who's first?

Give me 30 seconds for 20 bucks.

You got it. Five bucks on 40 bucks.

It's post time.

Spinning windows closed.

One, two.

Sorry, gang. The house wins.

What is this, gang?

Ooh, it's a little too much.

It's a little bit too much.

Try some fries, please.

That's one order of fries.

Here you go, little boy.

Sure.

Get off of me!

Get your hands off!

What are you doing?

Oh, no.

I said hands off!

Not bad, not good.

Come on over.

Say hello to Val.

Come on, I gotta how long I can keep this up.

I said hands off!

Cut it out, moron!

Faster, keep your hands off right now!

Val, I'm warning you.

If this is your idea of a joke...

I doubt.

Cut it out!

Man, I'm stuck!

Check this out, bastard.

Which treaties?

So, what's your sign?

Two-timing bastard.

This will do.

What?

Don't ask so many questions.

I can't wait to see the look on Tom's face when I tell him I made it with you.

Boy, will he be pissed.

You sure know how to make a guy feel comfortable.

Can we talk a minute?

What for? I said I'm gonna do it.

Well, I'm not quite...

Well, I'm not...

Well...

It's just that I'm not quite...

I'm...

Oh, my God.

Are you a virgin?

I've never made it with one of those before.

Wow!

They ought to put you in a museum.

Oh, my God.

Hey, wait a minute! Get back here!

We never get a chance like this again.

Congratulations. You won the race.

You proved you could outrun a voluptuous

half naked girl who wanted to make it with you.

What's wrong with you?

She practically raped me.

So?

She wanted revenge.

How would someone who likes me for me?

Oh, the romantic type.

Rudy, I know you're nice, you're bright.

But how is anybody else gonna find out?

I mean, look at you.

But what am I supposed to do?

Rudy, I think it's time we got you a new image.

Peaches.

I wasn't peachy.

I wasn't... I wasn't peachy.

I wasn't peachy.

"Huff and keep training" begins today.

Where did you get that?

Props. You wouldn't believe it. The whole ship's up there.

Rox, you know this is embarrassing.

Could we just walk?

Well...

I'll take this.

Let's take it to that.

Here, kid. Better safe than sorry.

Hey, wait for me.

Oh, Roxy.

Roxy, there are people around here, Roxie.

Great. Breaking and entering.

Come on.

Rudy, class is now in session.

You ever had a girlfriend?

No.

Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Let me ask you something. If you did have a girlfriend,

what would you do with her on a quiet night?

Well...

I guess we'd go home and, well, you know.

Make love.

Yeah, that's it.

Come on, kid. Use your imagination.

Well, I wouldn't take her back to that crummy shack.

I'd have a real place.

Be this big, comfortable couch.

A fireplace.

Some soft music.

Oh, and she'd be beautiful.

We'd make love until we dropped.

I think we're going out tonight.

All right.

Time out, huh?

Kid, you sound great, but we gotta do something about that walk, you know?

I never noticed it before, but now that we've cleaned up the rest of your act,

it sticks out like a sore thumb.

What's wrong with my walk?

Take a few steps.

See what I mean?

No, not really.

Okay, just do what I say.

Chest up, stomach in, shoulders back, head up,

ass out, arms flexed, legs apart, and a strut.

I think this calls for more drastic measures.

We'll never make it.

I'm not hungry.

It's not for you to eat.

It's, uh, an instruction laid.

Why'd you get that?

Oh, the chain. In town.

Right this time, I sold you, boy.

Sorry, babe. Got plans.

Going fox hunting.

Got you later.

You know, maybe if you fixed up your hair a bit, played a little with your makeup.

Hey! Halloween isn't till October.

Wow, you look great.

Feen hollow, platinum blonde.

Maybe it was Carol Lombard, my man-god, Frank.

Anyway, you look great too, Rudy.

And I really love your walk.

Look, there's one more thing I want you to remember.

No means yes.

No means yes?

No means yes.

Sometimes a girl will play a little hard to get.

When you get in the bar, you'll see what I mean.

Just remember, no means yes.

Okay, you've been right so far.

Roxy?

Thanks.

I feel like a mother taking a kid to school for the first time.

Hey, it's Mr. and Mrs. Wimp out for a night on the town.

Thanks.

And you, you might have some new threads, but you'll always be a loser.

I wouldn't take that if I were you.

This is getting too easy.

You're up finish!

How did you do that?

It's some con clue I learned at NAM.

You fought in Vietnam?

No, I went there on vacation.

Want to try again?

Maybe later, babe.

Right now, I'm gonna get lewd in that nude with the star of the bar.

Sorry.

Get lost.

I beg your pardon.

What do you think you're doing?

Didn't he hear her? She told me to get lost.

Why didn't I just tell you outside?

No means yes. No means yes.

Look, see, what are you talking about?

She doesn't want you to think she's too easy.

You really think so?

Now get back in there and don't take no for an answer.

Lesson means yes.

A dance, babe!

I said no!

Look, babe, I want you up on that dance floor and I want you up there now!

The calculator guy.

Hey, I thought you wanted to dance.

I danced enough.

Now what's the trouble?

I've never gotten this far before now. What do I do?

Don't panic. I'll talk you through it.

First, say something nice to her.

You know, compliment her.

You've got great breath.

Times have changed.

Okay, let's drive her crazy.

Let's start with the earlobes.

Kiss him, stupid.

Good, good.

Now let's proceed to the neck.

Lower, lower.

Oh, my God! Do I have to?

That's what they're there for.

Rudy, you're supposed to be enjoying this.

All right, all right!

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, I mean it.

Yes, you want it. It's no means just up. It's great.

No!

I guess sometimes no means no.

Don't worry, kid. She was just a fluke.

I remember the first time I was doing one of my favorite pictures.

Maybe you saw it.

"Rocksey Dead Salt Lake City"?

Yeah, I heard about that.

Didn't the police close the theater?

Yeah. It was a classic.

I won two spread eagles and a golden throat award for that one.

Hells were the days.

Hey, grunt!

Me and the bros are gonna choke down some chow

and cruise the river. Want to tag along?

Move over. You're ruining my view.

Okay. If you want to stay here and mop your darks, no skit off my back.

Grunt!

Why don't you be nice to her? Give her a break. She likes you.

She's just a punk kid.

If I go out with a loser like her,

I'll be doomed to that level for the rest of my life.

Rudy, could you give me a hand in here for a minute, please?

Sure thing.

I'll buy that, please.

Sure.

Looking good, Rudy.

Have you ever considered an older woman?

Older woman? What a pathetic come on.

Help! Somebody.

With some real experience.

Don't waste your time with that dinosaur.

You want to go to heaven, don't you?

I'll settle for the floor. Go ahead.

Throw your luck away on that floozy.

What kind of life do you think you'll have?

Ten years, you'll be 28, you'll be 60.

Twenty years, you'll be 30, she'll be 100.

No! Stop! Stop! Please, really, it's not worth it!

If you don't want it, kid, I'm not going to force you.

Kid, one day you'll thank me.

Hey, grunt! Pretty nice threads. For a pussy.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Gene.

Hey, call me Mean.

Where are you headed?

In the town.

Want a lift?

Sure, thanks.

It's me, Gene.

Walter!

What is "house tax" in science?

Sure, thanks!

Me!

Do you mind if I ask your personal question?

What's rattling around your brain, grunt?

Well, I always worry about the left gun.

I mean, your tweeze always stays inside.

Simple, grunt.

I don't want her to see all the snatch-up snatching on the outside.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Gee, why did I think of that?

I thought you were being so defiled!

Oh, you stole a sentence!

Well, this is as far as I'm going.

You're kidding.

Oh.

Where have you been?

Been waiting here for an hour.

I went for a swim.

Well, next time, show a little consideration.

I'm not getting any younger down here.

Relax. You're beginning to sound like my mother.

Ah! Your mother.

So now I sound like your mother.

Well, next time, be a human being,

and we're abating to it like a normal person.

I don't think I've seen you here before.

I just arrived today, yeah.

This is my first time on the river.

Yeah.

Our sister tells us that you weren't very nice

for last night out in the woods.

Hmm. Well.

Rock, big groups.

Roxy. I'll take care of this.

Roxy!

You and me, right, Roxy?

I can duck.

I'm a beaded boy. This is crap in my style.

He's amazing!

And what am I, Cuff Liver?

How did he do that?

He's fast, Cuff. He's fast.

Can't I step outside?

I will.

But I just want you to know that I'm innocent.

Hey, I think "innocent" is a lovely name.

I'm Rudy.

Oh, you really know how to put a girl at ease.

Now what?

How do you feel about this girl?

She feels okay to me. See you later, Roxy.

No, I mean it.

How do you feel about it?

You gonna give her a call, send her flowers,

take her out to dinner?

Hey, Roxy, I thought you were the expert.

That's what you do to get her here.

Rudy, let me tell you a story.

Oh, please, not another story.

When I was a young girl,

a traveling salesman stayed at our house.

Said he'd come back for me, never did.

I cried for a week.

First time's different for a girl.

It's touching, Roxy.

Why don't you write a book?

Do you see what I'm telling you?

This girl's pure, untainted.

You have to be the flower.

She's like you, dummy. She's a bird.

Come out for long.

I think I've created a monster.

But that's what you want.

I guess it's out of my hands.

Are we moving?

You bet we are.

I can't find it.

Can't find what?

You know.

Yeah, well, I know it's down there somewhere.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

I think that's my shoe.

It's getting dark down there.

Good sign. Good sign.

Oh, my God.

I think we'd better try this another time.

I, uh, guess I'd better be going now.

Coming?

Nah, I think I'll just stay here and kill myself.

It's really nice meeting you.

Yeah. Just swell.

Hey, boys and girls.

He needs one and only wet t-shirt.

Wet, pith, and a crown of Canada.

Hey, I'm getting sick of this.

The wet t-shirt's on that five dollars.

Come on, only five dollars.

Well, I'm gonna win it.

It better get back in the shoes.

Well, I'm gonna win it.

It better get back in the shoes.

And I got a...

It's a nice one.

There you go.

Blue apples and berry bars.

Today, on this stage,

one of these lucky set of boobs

will win the coveted title of Miss Godacious Tatox.

Well, before we begin our search for Mean Gene,

that's Tatox, we.

I'd like to introduce to you our head judge,

the biggest writer of all,

a really sick guy, the grand party,

Mike Hale Urie.

And as you know, the judges do not consider

a personality talent career goal.

We are strictly concerned with tits.

Maybe have the first contestant, please.

Upside down, Sally!

How would you like to float on these pontoons?

With lungs like this, you could stay on the world forever!

Next, we have the...

Excuse me.

Stand back, everybody.

Stand back.

Holy shit! I'm so sick!

Excuse me.

Anytime.

Stand back, everybody.

Coming up next, we're gonna go at this,

with your guest, Willie Letter-Weeder.

You guys are all alike.

Bigger is better.

Ten years, you'll be carrying those things around in a wheelbarrow.

But...

that's what you like.

Don't worry, I'll save you!

Nice pair.

I love that contact lenses today, sir.

I hate to wear glasses.

You look great in binoculars.

How can I ever repay you?

Roxy, your timing is impeccable.

Need any help?

Do I look like I need any help?

Well, Rudy...

I guess it's as if.

Next time you see me...

if you see me,

I'll be up among the stars.

The real stars.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I've been too busy chasing girls.

I haven't even thought how much you've done for me.

Roxy, this one's for you.

Rudy...

don't strain yourself.

Rudy, come here.

Wow.

It's enormous.

Huh?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

What have I done?

What have I done?

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, shit.

No.

Hey, Salami.

How's it going?

When, uh, when you go on a date, pal, uh...

who brings the mustard?

I was going through my head.

I show you how to walk, I show you how to talk,

I dress you, I teach you everything I know,

and this is how you repay me.

Do I look like I need any help?

Do you see any water in here?

Oh, you got some nerd lady who told me to stuff

the dumb Salami down my pants in the first place.

You want to talk dumb?

Who'd be dumb enough to leave a Salami in their pants

after they got to first base?

You're supposed to be making love, not sandwiches.

Why don't you take your lame-brained sex schemes and beat it?

I'm through.

Through?

Let's not go right to through.

I mean, let's not get carried away.

Why does that leave me?

Find yourself a new virgin.

I'm running out of time.

And I don't think there's another virgin on this river.

Hey, Rita, you look hungry.

It's cool.

Huh?

Yeah!

Whoo!

I'm gonna have it here!

Twelve seconds!

Man, what a take.

So, this is chicken feed compared to what we're gonna make next Saturday.

Mean Gene's going away.

I overheard him talking.

Man, that means we will make a dime.

Tom, think about it.

Mean Gene goes away?

We don't tell no one?

And we bet the whole town that our guy not only lasts up here,

but that he makes the Love Goddess as well.

We will rake in thousands!

All right.

Hardly wait to get in work, man.

Uh, stud, think about it for a minute, man.

Now, with all due respect, we need a professional.

I mean, hey, you're a good-looking guy and everything,

but you're the only guy I know that can make love to a cheerio and not break it.

Now, I did some research, and I found just the guy to do it.

They call him the Adonis.

And we got a guy that we think will not

only last over ten minutes with Mean Gene,

but will make the Love Goddess to boot.

Any takers?

Hey, look, if you're not sure, maybe we shouldn't bet.

What a mind I can't even see!

The dog, look!

Make her the boot, huh?

I'll give you $50, you won't last ten seconds.

Heaps of pleasure. Thank you very much.

What?

A few weeks' pleasure, my dog.

Here's your fave, salami dick.

Don't spend it all on lunch meat.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

I think you made a mistake. I'm five bucks short.

Yeah, you're right.

I did make a mistake.

It should be ten bucks short.

I saw you wasting all that gas.

Missing the boat?

Dripping all over the dock?

Bullshit!

What?

Nothing.

I thought so.

I didn't spill any gas.

I fucked with my butt here and I didn't deserve every penny of that money.

If you weren't such a little faggot,

I'd tear your balls off and use them for fish bait.

But I only fight with men.

I'll get out of here.

You're fired.

Keep your money.

I quit!

Kid, I've been thinking.

And I think I figured everything out.

There's this little house in town.

All the girls are beautiful. Everyone a professional. We can't miss.

Okay, okay.

Maybe I got a little carried away back there.

Can't we strike a new deal?

My time's running out.

As a matter of fact, we can.

You get lost and I'll get laid.

Well, what are you talking about?

I don't want your help anymore.

I want to do this on my own.

Well, who do you got in mind?

The Love Goddess.

Oh, the Love Goddess?

I thought you wanted to get laid and killed.

What do you think Me and Jean's gonna do? Take pictures?

Mean Gene's going away tonight. He won't be back until Sunday.

I'll try tomorrow afternoon.

Well, how do you think the Love Goddess feels about this?

I'm not sure. I mean, for all I know, she'll probably throw me out the window.

But I have to try. Right now, everyone on the river thinks I'm a fool.

It's my own fault. I mean, all summer long, I've been taking everybody's crap.

Well, no more. I've got to prove to them and to myself

that I can do something that they've only dreamed about.

Rudy, wick and love is great.

But it's not the answer to all your problems.

In case you've forgotten, the love goddess is a merry moon.

Call that a marriage? Gene running around with Rita?

Or the Love Goddess hangs out the window?

I don't like it. Can I at least help you?

No! I told you I got to do this on my own.

If you show up, the deal's off.

Are you sure Mean Gene's gone?

Yeah, I saw him sneak away last night.

Are you sure nobody else saw him leave?

No, the place was deserted. Trust me.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. They're deserted! Trust me.

Yeah.

Okay, Grossman.

Let's go, pal.

Let's get started now.

All right, pal, move, move, move.

Let's go now. Go get him.

Bedding windows open.

Don't make too much noise. We don't want Mean Gene to hear it.

All right, this is the big one, love.

Fans, this is it. We got a tenner there, all right?

Okay, a little ten spot on you, too.

Yeah.

It's Gene. Keep it down.

The coast is clear.

Hey, where's this Adonis fellow? We want a show.

All right, all right.

Look, how's you guys doing?

You're gonna have to go in there. What?

Bedding windows closed.

Uh, you don't understand.

Not now. I'm busy.

He's got two minutes.

He said he'd be here.

Anybody tell me where I can find--

Andy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm Andy. What?

You looking for Joe Adonis?

Sure. Joe? Adonis?

No, sir. I represent him.

Where is he?

We'll park around the back. Is he ready?

Ready. He's been ready since the day

he was born. That sounds great. Let's get him

in the house and let's get started.

In the house?

I'm not too sure about that.

You wanna get paid?

You get him in that damn house and you make it, fat.

Hey, hey, I'm just the business guy.

I'll have to talk to him about this.

Joe, there's a crazy bunch of kids back there.

They want you to do it in the house.

In the house?

Let me talk to you.

In the house?

In the house.

In the house.

In the house.

In the house.

In the house.

Come here.

You Andy?

Joe Adonis. Glad to meet you.

Joe Adonis.

So, where is she?

She's up in the bedroom.

You got a cow in the bedroom?

She ain't no cow, man.

She's a beauty. We call her the Love Goddess.

Blue ribbons, Taka.

Except we ain't never done it in no house before.

We could wreck the place.

Maybe you better move the furniture, little lady.

We're gonna need all the room we can get.

- Wow. - You must really be something.

Satisfaction boy.

Guaranteed.

Wow.

What are we waiting for?

Let's get started.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just one minute.

I'll be right back.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are proud to present the greatest stud of all time,

the Adonis.

To turn loose in that house.

- You got shipper brain. - Tom, I grew up in the city.

I'm going in. I'm going in.

But I love you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

standing in for the Adonis is Tom.

The lady killer.

We have a better chance of making you with the wall.

I just wanted to let you know that

there's a ceremony going on back at your house.

And they're sacrificing the Love Goddess.

Assemble the fleet.

I want the wimp shit with me.

Let's to the rescue.

Alright little mother cross action for that fresh breath...

Looks like the monkey in the commercial.

That's it. That's it.

Then a legend Rod De Rich However...

...let's just go in there.

Adonis.

A little cologne now for that European continental look.

That's it.

Excuse me?

You?

Yeah.

I can't believe that you're a part of what's going on down there.

Women love you. You're the man. You're the best.

I know. They can't resist you. I know.

You're a spud. You're a spud. You're a spud.

I know. I know.

How do you feel, Spud?

I feel good. I feel pretty good.

All right. I'm ready.

That's it now. Now listen. There's a lot on the line here. A lot of money at stake.

How are we going to know if you got her?

Hell, she'll be so grateful I'll get her to kiss me in front of the window.

Atta boy. Atta boy. All right. This is it now. Go get her, champ.

Wait. One more thing.

Oh, no way.

That's it.

What?

All right, everyone. Get ready to start your clock.

The nerve of you to think that you could come up here

and make love to me on account of some bet.

I'm not helping you win any bets.

Now you get out of here before I throw you out myself.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Get out of my way, wimp. I've got a job to do.

Sorry, Ken. I couldn't resist. Need a hand?

Roxy, where'd that pay you before?

I know. I know. You got to do it yourself.

Right.

It's all worth that once more for old time's sake.

Alone, Roxy.

What the hell? It isn't worth a busted nose.

What the hell? It isn't worth a busted nose.

He did it. I'm rich. I'm rich. Make it till I come.

Go!

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I had you all wrong.

I guess I had you all wrong, too.

Why do you always stay up here?

Oh, well, I'm studying for my PhD in sociology.

I've been working so hard, I haven't even left the house once.

Um, if that gun was up here for the bet, what are you doing here?

You got to get out of here, Tom.

Yeah, you owe me 55!

And you owe me 100 fungus, babe!

Got a towel?

I, uh, think I know a way we can salvage your reputation.

Come with me.

Rudy.

Rudy?

Salami dick, Rudy.

Yes, sir.

Howdy, you boy! So, Rudy!

Hello, bitch!

Will it blow your heart, Rudy?

Yes, sir! Yes! Yes!

Where are you? Your heart, Rudy!

Oh, yeah, let me go!

Where are you guys?

Oh, oh, oh!

Rudy! Rudy!

Rudy! Rudy!

We are-- Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy!

Now when you get out there on the battle, you adhere strictly to the rat code.

You kick him in the balls.

Stomp on them when they're down.

And you bite him when they're not looking.

And if that don't work, fight the dirty.

Faster! Faster! Look out!

Get the hell out of here and kick some ass!

- That sounds like Gene. - Gene!

Oh no!

Some good deed. Kid makes Rottodile alive. He'll be lucky.

I'm a failure.

- Just what I needed? - The devil himself.

Roxy, baby! I haven't seen you yet!

Don't tell me he's the devil.

Cheer up, sweetheart. There are other places to make pictures.

I wouldn't work for you when I was alive.

I'm off your top building of my latest S&M extravaganza.

How does, uh, be devil? I miss the jaw strike.

The marquee is producing. And you get to play opposite to Legula.

I don't do kinky stuff.

Looks like you don't have much choice to show.

Hi, Gene. How was your day?

Oh, that's too bad.

There you go again. Another childish attempt to gain my attention.

I don't know what you think you're trying to

accomplish with this silly temper tantrum of yours.

It's gotta be your diet. All that junk food and sugar you eat.

You never listen.

I'm warning you, Gene. If you keep this up, there'll be no more candy for a week.

Probably been eating red meat too, half or two. Huh?

And drinking beer and coffee?

Have you been drinking coffee again?

Now you know what coffee does to your nerves?

Do something!

That's about it.

As of tomorrow, it's back to tofu and green salads for you.

Give me my steak!

Give me my hamburger! Give me my anything!

I don't think you're listening to me, Gene.

You're dead meat, Squirt.

- The kid needs your help. - That is still time.

Fine now.

And I'll guarantee you a spot in the motion picture hall of shame.

You still got 24 hours. I hate to lose one to this sleep bag.

What's the use? I'll never get the kid laid.

Leech made. We are talking good deed here, remember?

You don't know from good deeds.

Sine's your sign!

No, no, no, no. The kid could sure use your help now.

Look at him. Watch him.

I can't. He wants to do it alone.

Your own dressing room. Or with a bagel.

Come on, Sine!

Go to him!

Well, it's about time.

I love that big log, but sometimes it gets so carried out.

Well, I guess it's tough having such a jealous husband.

Husband? Gene's not my husband.

My husband's teaching summer school in Minneapolis.

Gene's my brother.

A little overprotective, but he's still my brother.

Oh, my God!

They're on board! Oh, no!

They're on board!

Oh, my God!

Wow!

Come in.

Rudy, I, uh...

I think I bum-wrapped you.

I think you dropped this the other day.

You know, me and the rats, uh...

we'd be honored to tattoo you as a new member.

Thanks.

But I think it's time for me to move on.

I've had enough excitement for one summer.

Nice go, Rudy!

Hey, we'll see you again next year, Rudy.

Hey, when?

He's here. What do I do?

Relax.

You want to go for a walk?

Play Kong.

Act like you don't want it.

Get lost, creep.

Hey, kid. There's one more thing I want you to remember.

"No" means "yes."

Hey, Wendy.

You sure you don't want to go for a walk?

Please?

Hey, Wendy.

Wendy, come on.

Show us around. Wendy!

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

I'm the first one to confess

That I never fought one night

But it brings such happiness

Heaven knows the heartache

The song of you will hear

Saying what I need to hear I'm the first one to confess That I never fought one night But it brings such happiness

Heaven knows the heartache The song of you will hear

Saying what I need to hear

Heaven knows the heartache

I'm the first one to confess

Where will you go?

I need to know

I want to hear you got me dreaming

We found the gold

Put time on hold

Oh, darling

Don't tell me that you need me

Heaven knows the heartache

You put a spell on me

And I don't want to break free

It's heaven that'll change your heart

Heaven that'll change your heart