Original subtitles

Okay. You want the bad news, the worse news

or the cock-a-doodle-dung news?

Uh, I'm feeling adventurous.

Let's go with the cock-a-doodle-dung news.

Sacramento Sally just informed me

that they're shutting down East Humboldt,

our stepsister branch.

They got E-Hum?

-Oh, no. -BARB: Yep. It has begun.

This is bad for us.

Apparently, customer reviews are "subpar,"

and since this is "not golf," that means "not good."

We should get subs and go golfing.

Sandwiches and sand wedges?

BARB: And if that weren't bad enough,

-check out the latest 10 and 2. -(Colette gasps)

COLETTE: "Rude, where's my car?"

Funny.

"South Hollywood fights back against auto theft."

I love the DMV mag.

We all do, but now that South Ho manager

-has a three-page spread, -(sniffs)

I'm the only Hollywood branch manager

who hasn't been featured.

Barb, you've always said that running a DMV

-is its own reward. -BARB: Sure,

but we need all the good PR we can get.

And a little howdy-do for my hard work would be nice.

Oh, Barb.

This is the Smacking Beavers all over again.

-(groans) -GREGG: Don't say anything.

Just give it a moment. Maybe she'll move on.

Sorry, mate, I can't do it.

What-what's "Smacking Beavers"?

My high school football team. I was the mascot.

Bet you got shoved into

a lot of garbage cans by cool guys like me.

Are all the other cool guys as successful as you are now?

(chuckles)

More.

-COLETTE: Oh. -More successful.

Putting on that head was the thrill of my life.

Crowds would roar when I hit the field.

To this day, I've never gotten credit.

Nobody knows I was the Beev.

That is so sad.

But also, I-I feel like you could just

tell people it was you.

And violate the mascot code?

I barely graduated because every class I had to miss

for a game, I couldn't tell 'em why.

So, meeting adjourned, I guess?

Hold on. I think I got a picture.

-(phone dings) -Hey, Siri,

-find a picture of my beaver. -(phone dings)

-No. -I got a call to make.

SIRI: Sorry, I didn't quite get that.

-(phone dings) -GREGG: Go, go, go.

* *

VIC: Wow.

-Dang. -COLETTE: Wow.

That is one talented beaver.

-That cannot be Barb. -There's no way.

BARB: Aw, tutti-frutti!

-Oh, yeah, yeah. I see her now. -Oh, that's Barb. -Yep. Yeah, I see it.

-There it is. -COLETTE: There she is.

God, look at her.

She had so much spirit even then.

And now she's working so hard to keep this branch afloat,

and she still can't get any recognition.

Yeah, and there's nothing you can do to change it.

You're right. I can change it.

Later, nerds.

I got a driving test.

-Hey, Noa. -What's up?

Okay, I printed some of the reviews from online.

Barb wasn't kidding-- they're... they're terrible.

Especially you two.

They read more like hate mail.

Ah, nothing can hurt me more than Tanya saying "I do."

-(chuckles) -I mean, how bad could they be?

Right?

"This guy who looks like he was born near a microwave

"made me sit in the CVS parking lot

for 20 minutes

while he got his prescriptions filled."

What? That is a blatant lie.

I was buying Powerball tickets.

-Hmm. -Didn't win.

This one says, "I got a condescending lecture

from a well-educated, articulate guy." Who's that?

It's me.

-He's afraid to say "Black." -Oh.

"I asked him if I should turn my lights on,

"and he said, 'Doesn't matter to me.

I've been living in darkness since the day I got married.'"

Oh, come on. That's an old one.

I took that out of rotation years ago.

Look at this one.

"The jagoff spilled a bag of protein powder

"all over my Jetta.

"Then when I reached across to get napkins

"out of the glove box, he said,

'I'm Gregg. You just failed.'"

Okay.

Bottom line: C, D, S, G... (groans)

Hey, Barb.

I'm vetting the new eye exams for typos.

I've been burned before.

I just did a driving exam

with a friend of a journalist, and I got you a profile

in a very prestigious publication.

-Oh. New York Times? -Mm.

L.A. Times?

-Mm. -Sports Illustrated?

CHUMS. Central Hollywood Unified Magnet Sentinel.

-A high school paper? -Yeah.

I know it's not the big leagues,

but, uh, I used to write for my school paper, and...

Colette, this is perfect.

Teen drivers are our target demo.

Big Sac is gonna be thrilled!

Exactly. And, like, it's really good practice

for when you get the big boys.

-10 and 2. -Yeah.

(squeals) This beaver's gonna be a centerfold!

-I think I work in PR now. -(Vic sighs)

I always wanted to go to Puerto Rico.

Havana, specifically.

Yeah, well, maybe you can do some damage control

to Vic's reputation, because according to Brenda P,

he is "the evolutionary bridge between human and mutant."

Oh, you guys uncorked the reviews? Aren't mine great?

"A breath of fresh air."

-Okay, Raul G. -VIC: Whatever.

It's not like we were trying to get good reviews.

Yeah, we both know you wouldn't do any better if you were.

Uh, that's your long COVID talking.

Bet I could get a good review before you.

-Scoff. -VIC: Aw.

The scoff of a scared old man.

Want to put a little something on it?

Anything.

VIC: Okay, how about this?

Loser gets tattooed.

-Barb as the beaver. -Yes.

(chortles)

I can't believe Grumpy Bear over here thinks he can take me down.

(chuckles)

What's so amusing, Greggie?

Hi. I'm Happy Gregg.

I was blessed with serving 25 years

of parent-teacher conferences.

Oh, no, no.

-That's creepy. -GREGG: Mr. D'Angelo,

have you ever witnessed the first steps

of a newborn colt as he tries to find his legs

in the slippery hay of his mother's stall?

-Stop it! -GREGG: That's what it's like

teaching your son.

Only better.

I hate Happy Gregg.

(chuckles)

Every day is a miracle.

That's enough. Please stop.

Wave your hand in front of your face. Get sad again. I'm scared.

Colette's learning to express

her independence in class this year.

-No, I'm not. -I'm really proud of you.

* *

Oh, yes.

Bringing out the good biscuits.

So, who's coming over-- the queen?

Uh, actually, a student journalist

is coming to do a profile on Barb.

You're saying a teenager is going to ask Barb questions

and then print out the actual things Barb says

for other people to read?

I know Barb might not be the most polished,

but I think she can handle

an innocent high school reporter, Noa.

Look, I know you want Barb to get recognition,

but aren't you worried it'll be for the wrong thing

at precisely the wrong time for the branch?

Okay, buzzkill.

Like, Barb might goof around,

but I think, at her core, she's extremely professional.

-Okay? -BARB: Good news!

My mom found my mascot costume in the attic.

She's gonna overnight my beaver.

-(chuckles) -And I was thinking,

the interview is a great time

for me to introduce my new idea of a teen-mentoring program.

That is great, Barb.

I'm gonna call it "Touching Teens."

-(clears throat) -Oh, God.

I know. I know.

And can I tell you a secret?

I really hope they touch me, too.

Okay. Remember what we practiced.

Be like dry toast.

Exactly. Give 'em nothing to chew on.

Stick to the facts.

Do you want to do another, like, practice question?

Yeah. Uh, what's your favorite part of being a manager?

Having my own private bathroom.

Haven't had to buy toilet paper in, like, six months.

-Facts. -Don't tell the reporter

that you steal toilet paper.

I don't steal it.

I've simply trained my insides to go only at work.

And I-I can't stress this enough, Barb--

when you answer the reporter's questions, don't.

What are you so worried about?

Do you not have faith in Barb?

Uh, no. I-- What? I do.

It's just I-I don't want you to give her anything

that she can, like, manipulate.

-Yeah. (chuckles) -I gotcha.

No loose lips.

COLETTE: Here she comes.

It's-it's go time.

Thanks, Mom.

Larry.

Get a load of that bloodhound.

COLETTE: Hey. Welcome to the DMV.

I'm Colette Tyler.

I'm a veteran of student journalism.

And this is our manager.

Barb Berry. I do not touch teens.

Okay.

(chuckles) Were those your parents?

My mom. And Larry.

He wants to sell the house I was born in.

I was born in a McDonald's PlayPlace ball pit.

They couldn't find me for two hours.

(coughs): Less.

One hour.

* *

My wife and I went to a farmers market the other day,

and I saw a strawberry

that was so beautiful...

...it made me cry.

(both laughing)

God, you are so funny.

Yes, I want to hear your demo.

-Really? -Yes.

-(horn honking) -Ooh, that's a deduction.

(laughs)

I'm just kidding.

I drew a smiley face.

(indistinct chatter)

(speaking inaudibly)

* *

GREGG: Well, my advice is

marry your best friend,

settle down,

and dedicate yourself to love.

(Gregg and Lucas chuckle)

Have a blessed day.

Thank you so much.

Don't forget that review.

(chuckling)

Bye.

Oh, God.

Being pleasant is exhausting.

VIC: I wouldn't know.

-I'd never stoop that low. -Yeah?

-You ready to get that new tattoo? -Oh,

I'm not shaving my ass just yet.

Nobody said it had to go there.

It's fine. There's still some space.

-Hmm. -Besides,

-I'm gonna win. -You?

You think you're gonna get a better review than Happy Gregg?

Yep.

'Cause the nicest guy in the whole office

needed a retest, and guess who scooped him up.

Noa. Ready to go, pumpkin?

(Noa exhales sharply)

Carve my face up,

-'cause this pumpkin is ready. -(chuckles)

Turns out he wasn't hairless. He was just shaved.

Hey, hey.

I forgot you were in there.

-Teresa, it was an honor. Bring it in. -Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Barb is so busy being a super high-functioning manager. Yeah.

She probably shouldn't talk anymore.

Thanks, Barbie. (giggles)

Anyway, how was...

Great. If you like wasting time.

There's no story here.

They taught us about this in class.

It's called a "nothingburger."

Luckily, our tip line just lit up

with a juicer-- some adult shorts were left

under the bleachers.

No. No, you have to do the story.

It's important to the branch, and Barb's so excited.

Well, I was excited to blossom into womanhood

with my mother's undivided attention,

but, instead, I got Larry.

Where's out?

Hey, look, look,

journo to journo,

I may have prepped Barb a little too hard.

The thing is, she can be a little unpredictable,

and so I was afraid she was gonna come off

-like a... -Buffoon?

Moron? Simpleton?

Yes. Thank you.

You're like a catty thesaurus.

She's working really hard to keep this place open,

and you should care.

We give teens like you independence

every time we issue a license.

Mm, uh-oh.

Did I just find the angle for your story? (chuckles)

Maybe there's something here.

Yeah. This just in:

she's still got it. (chuckling)

Okay.

I'm gonna write something up.

It'll be online in an hour.

Wow. That is fast.

'Cause back in my day, it to...

Yeah.

Headphones are on. What you got in there?

K-pop? (chuckles softly)

Can't hear me. Bye.

(clears throat) Hi. Lucas, Gregg Mosley here.

Just a little gentle reminder to fill out that customer review.

Okay.

(chuckles) Thank you in advance.

Stay prayed up.

Aw. Must be hard to get a great review

when you don't have a personal relationship with the examinee.

Luckily,

I don't have that problem with Noa.

-(chuckles) -Lucas will come through.

I know it.

'Cause I poured my fake heart out to that guy.

-(phone chimes) -Oh.

Speak of the angel.

Uh, Noa's review...

What the hell is this crap?

Let me see that.

Ooh.

"Vic was my instructor.

He passed me."

(chuckles) Wow.

I guess there is something meaner than a bad review.

Indifference.

-Whew. -(phone ringing)

Ooh!

And for the win...

Mm.

Hello, Lucas.

What?

W-W... I wouldn't call it harassment.

-Oh, hmm. -(chuckles) I just called five or six times--

Okay, well, you know what?

My marriage is a loveless hellscape.

Five stars?

May Happy Gregg rest in peace.

Is it out?

Not yet. But they are really trying to sell me

on this full-body deodorant,

and they're doing a darn good job. (chuckles)

You know, 10 and 2 may just want to buy the rights

and reprint the article.

I told Sally it's coming.

Maybe she'll kick it up to the bigwigs

and we can become number one Ho.

Yes, I hope so.

(giggles)

Hey, Colette. Thanks.

Uh, this article means a lot to me.

Hey, you deserve your moment in the spotlight.

-You work-- -Yukon potatoes, it's out!

What? What does it say?

"DMV Run by Buffoon"?

What?

Who could've said that?

"Says Overconfident Driving Examiner Colette Tyler."

Wow, Colette.

-No. -Get a grip.

Barb, I didn't.

I didn't say that.

(gasps)

(microwave beeps)

(microwave door shuts)

Hey, Barb.

I made nachos.

But we're out of Ritz Crackers,

so I had to use tortilla chips.

That's exactly how this day

-is going. -That reporter

completely manipulated my words.

I did not say the things in that article.

Oh, you want me to believe the Internet's lying?

I was born in a ball pit,

not yesterday, Colette.

She wasn't gonna write the story.

She-she thought that you were boring.

Because you turned me into a human crouton.

I was so in my head, I was scared to say anything at all.

Honestly, Barb, I was trying to protect you.

I-I adore you, but you can be a bit of a loose cannon.

A loose cannon is good.

Y-You don't want to be a stiff cannon on a battlefield.

You want to be able to swivel on a dime

and blast a massive lead ball in your enemy's chest.

Which is exactly what you did to me.

(hisses)

Um, are you having a heart attack?

(groans) No.

I'm miming a Revolutionary battlefield

where I'm taking a ball straight to the chest.

See? This right here would've been gold for the interview.

(sighs)

What the hell is this, man?

This is what you wrote?

There's nothing kinder than the truth.

What does that have to do with anything?

-Five stars, man. -GREGG: Wait, wait, wait,

is he trying to bully you into changing your review?

That's cheating.

I'm not bullying.

Now, you listen to me, Kangaroo Jack.

You either change that review

or, so help me God--

(groaning, hisses)

-(groaning) -I apologize for the hapkido,

but I won't write a dishonest review, mate.

-Tap out. -Okay.

I'm tapping.

You just made a huge mistake,

my friend, 'cause I haven't

filed the results for your driver's exam yet.

And, guess what-- you failed.

-No! -Again.

Come on, man.

Unless...

Hey, that's extortion.

English, please, Gregg.

-What do you say, Noa? -(sighs)

I'm not changing the review.

VIC: (scoffs) Fine.

Didn't hurt anyways. I was faking. (chuckles)

Sorry.

I'm going for the form.

Yeah, dude.

I was just...

-Mosquito. -Okay.

It's my mosquito hapkido.

* *

Thanks for meeting me.

Make it quick. I'm missing mock trial right now.

I'm just the alternate juror, but it's important.

Why'd you write that hit piece?

Relax. No one cares about the stupid DMV.

I do.

And Barb does.

And despite what you wrote,

she's not a buffoon.

She's a really good egg.

Maybe even...

-the goodest egg. -Oh,

I can't believe your writing career went nowhere.

She is passionate, loyal, energetic.

She has vision.

You should see her on an eye exam.

Oh, my God, she's like a unicorn in a vest.

So cringe.

If Barb is cringe, then so am I.

Yeah, I know.

You're both cringe.

Just print a retraction.

Nothing's been printed.

It's all online.

I'm not wasting any more time

with a middle-aged driving examiner.

(locking)

(chuckles softly)

Here's what's gonna happen, Teresa.

Either you fix the article

or every one of your little friends who comes in for a test

is going to fail.

And I'm gonna tell them it's because of you.

And then the whole school will hate you,

you'll lose your followers,

you'll get kicked out of your extracurriculars,

and then you'll be begging that loser Larry

to come and hang out with you.

Is that cringe enough for you?

Thanks so much for meeting me.

I love your hair. Bye.

Oh. Let me get you out.

(giggles)

See ya.

Miss you.

Wow.

How's that for overconfident?

"Unhinged DMV Worker Threatens Child"?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

This is so bad.

VIC: Well,

not one single positive review.

I know. I wasted the whole day being happy.

I mean, how hard is it to say something nice?

-Mm-hmm. -"Gregg is a bit standoffish,

but, deep down, he means well."

Yeah, I know. Would it kill someone to write

"Vic seems like a tough guy, but on the inside,

"he's a sweetheart and not annoying all the time

and definitely not as stupid as he looks."

Yes. Thank you.

Like, a little bit of kindness goes a long--

I mean, why did we ever start caring about these dumb reviews?

They're just a meaningless snapshot

of people's anger and frustration.

Yes. And, you know what, words hurt.

Some people, I-I mean.

Well, let's just agree we don't like reviews

and we won't pay attention to 'em at all.

Yes. Agreed.

I swear, this is the worst kebab I've ever eaten.

And it's not cheap.

Yeah. Mine's rare.

And it's chicken.

-(groans) -And the rice?

It's like a clump.

(groans) You know what?

-Mm. -"Do not eat

"at O'Grady's Mediterranean Grill.

More like O'Grady's Mediterranean Diarrhea."

-(chuckles) -And post.

-Mm. -That'll show 'em.

Yes. Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

You threatened a child?

Um...

I'm trying to spin this.

Uh, but, yeah, no, I did. I did.

Are you mad?

I was.

Until I got to this part.

"Foam frothed from her rancid mouth

"as she insisted her boss is loyal,

passionate, and has the vision of a unicorn."

Did you really say all that?

I mean, I by no means frothed.

But I--

Ish. I said you were a unicorn in a vest.

I just wanted her to capture how you show up here every day

with that big beaver energy

to a place that she called...

"a nightmare factory."

-(sputters) -Hey,

it means a lot hearing all that nice stuff.

It's better than any media attention.

What about the publicity for the branch, though?

Eh, it was for the best. There was only, like, ten page views,

and half of 'em were mine. (chuckles)

Thank God. Not my best photo.

Look at that.

But now, when the real press comes,

you'll know just to be yourself.

Maybe we can approach it from a different angle.

-Love that. -Deep down, I believe in Touching Teens.

No. After today,

I'm not allowed near high schoolers.

And if you keep saying that phrase,

you won't be either.

Sorry, Barb.

Hey. Greggles. You have experience

teaching kids. Would you be interested

-in helping me with this-- -No.

Perhaps we could ask Happy Gregg?

Sure.

Nice.

No.

Huh.

-(indistinct chatter) -(gasps)

Ooh. * So tender. *

-(hisses) -Can't believe you got the tattoo.

Well, the bet was whoever lost gets tattooed.

We both lost.

Now it's time for you to get one.

Okay.

I'm making the appointment right now.

(hype music playing)

Ladies and gentlemen!

I give you the D-M...

Beaver...!

BARB: (whoops) All right!

Yeah, come on! (whooping)

All right!

(whoops)

Yeah! Yeah.

(whooping)

Lady Gaga! Uh-oh!

My head! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't look at me! Don't-- Look away!

Seriously! The mascot code!

Don't worry. I got it, Barb.

I mean "Beaver." Beaver.

You think we'll ever have a normal day around here?

-I think this is our normal. -Mm.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

* Are-are-are-are-are you ready? *