Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

ROMESH: Rob and I are back.

It looks a bit like you're my guide. (LAUGHTER)

Throwing ourselves into the biggest challenges.

Check, check, check, check.

With the help of the world's best.

Used to do that in The Office.

Together we're going on a journey of discovery.

No, no, no.

To find out what we like.

Oh wow Rom, that's amazing.

And what we don't.

It just feels like it's all going to come out.

This week we're going Elizabethan and taking on Shakespeare.

It's a lot to take in.

As we prepare to perform Romeo and Juliet.

A plague on both your houses.

With the help of some of our finest actors.

Before putting it all on the line at the world famous Globe Theatre

in London.

Come sir. Your passado.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

So Rob. Yes.

We have been invited...

..to perform Shakespeare at the Globe Theatre,

this highly prestigious according to my wife, the drama teacher.

About time and all, that's what I said.

Yeah. It's been sort of.

Doth, does the telegram man be running late one thinks.

For I have been waiting for this moment upon a time.

That's the kind of thing ain't it?

The irony of two jesters

driving through South London setting up an episode of a Sky presentation.

And the question the public asks themselves,

are the two jesters possible to once again scratch the gooch

of mirth as they descend into one other episode

of the famous Rob and Romesh versus Shakespeare.

Piece of piss Shakespeare ain't it? Oh my god.

Like what we just done about 12 sonnets there.

I don't know any Shakespeare.

I've heard of Macbeth, Hamlet erm, Midsummers Night's Dream?

Yeah er, actually. Othello.

Let's- let's- let's see how many.

I'm gonna read out some, you tell me if you've heard of them OK?

Romeo and Juliet? Yep.

King Lear. No.

The Tempest. No.

Julius Caesar. That's a bloke innit?

Yeah, but it's based on his life.

No I haven't, no. Seen Gladiator but that's separate in it?

That is a different story, yeah. Taming Of The Shrew.

No, what's that? What's a shrew?

Little mouse thing ain't it? Yeah. As You Like It?

What the fuck's that about? It's like erm,

it's sort of like the original- Springwatch Special.

It's the original er, version of Ratatouille.

Right.

Are you a fan of Shakespeare? No.

OK.OK, this is what I think of Shakespeare

and I'm gonna get a little bit annihilated for this.

Go on.

I think it's overrated. Yep.

And we're constantly being told it's brilliant

without any real evidence of that.

What is brilliant about it, nobody can answer that question.

Why do we all have to study Shakespeare? Like what is this?

Are you alright?

No I just think it's a bit- it's just a bit annoying.

Getting really, I've never known you to be so passionate about something.

I just think it just- it's too much.

My problem with it is I struggle to learn to read at school

and then once I got a handle on it they gave me Shakespeare

was all written wrong. Right.

I just think we need someone that knows what's going on

and can explain why it's good. Yeah.

Coz you get good actors that'll do it and they're normal people

and they must like it. Yeah OK. Yeah.

Deal? Deal.

(DRAMATIC HIP HOP MUSIC)

So to start our Shakespearean journey,

we were heading to the Globe,

the legendary open air theatre in the heart of London.

Dedicated to the works of William Shakespeare,

it's a modern day recreation of the very place

where Shakespeare staged his plays

and offers a proper old school Elizabethan experience.

There we go. Oh wow.

Nice ain't it?

It's amazing isn't it? Treading the boards.

Yeah, very good.

The theatre's first artistic director was the Oscar-winning actor

Sir Mark Rylands

and now it's in the hands of Olivier-award-winning Michelle Terry

who today would be deciding which scene Rom and I would be performing.

How much of it delivered out here?

Oh give it some on the edge. He loves it, go on.

How dare you. (LAUGHS)

What do you think? That was excellent.

Oh th- oh. Oh hello.

It's really good. You're basically ready.

Michelle, Rob, lovely to meet you. Hello, nice to meet you, Michelle.

Hello, Rom, how's it going? Very good, how are you?

This is amazing, I've never been here before.

Welcome. So you're gonna perform here,

you're gonna do a scene from one of the plays.

You're gonna be coming on after a full house performance

so 1600 people will have just watched a play

and then you're the encore.

But then normally the encore is a cheer for the people

they've just seen to see more of it. Well they'll do that.

Yeah.Oh they'll do that then there'll be an extra.

Yeah, a bonus.

But what you don't- what you don't do is reward that enthusiasm

by bringing on something shit.

So you're gonna go and do some workshops on Shakespeare.

One on using your voice in this space without amplification

and one on combat, stage combat, bit of fighting,

and you're also gonna go get into a bit of costume,

Elizabethan costume cause on the night

that's what you'll be wearing, so you need to get used to it.

OK.OK. Brilliant, thanks Michelle.

Have fun. Thank you.

Today's workshops are all about helping Michelle decide

which scene would be right for us.

They were taking place on the Globe's sister stage,

the candlelit Sam Wannamaker Playhouse.

Modelled on the intimate indoor theatres of Elizabethan London.

And Rom and I were already looking right at home.

What do you think?

It's a lot to take in.

Erm, I feel like I'm in like a Shakespearean Basic Instinct,

your things are riding up so high. Sorry. I'm sorry.

You don't- you forget how something, you can see through there.

Legs akimbo just ah... Sorry.

Doth wanna give me one.

I don't know how to sit. Yeah.

But if you don't mind me saying, you are now at the most attractive

I've ever known you, right, because I walked up here expecting

to find it funny and I did find it funny

because you were like Shakespearean Sharon Stone,

but apart from that, you actually look- you suit it.

Well look the thing is with me Rom, even if I do look more attractive

I'll always sit like a bit of a slag.

And that's me. You're your mother's son.

Your- you- (LAUGHTER)

Hi guys. Oh hello.Hello.

I'm Rob, nice to meet you.

I'm Liz, I'm the Globe voice coach, nice to meet you too.

So we're going to be starting with a vocal workshop.

OK, brilliant.To get you on voice for the big Globe stage.

OK. Would you like to make your way.

Yes, certainly.

Just like in Shakespeare's time, any actor performing at The Globe

has to rely solely on the power of their voice to reach the audience.

If you take a big breath into these ribs...

and then rise up towards the ceiling and breath out on a bbbrrrr.

Oh fucking hell.

So Liz was putting us through a series of vocal exercises

designed to help us project properly across the vast theatre space.

So we're powering from your belly,

if you power from your belly you can do eight shows a week

which equates to about 24 hours in a week.

OK give me a mooooore, nice low.

Mooooooorrreeee.

OK give me a ha. Ha.

Open up your mouth a little bit more for that one.

Ha. How about a oh.

Oh.

Oh god, James Brown will be turning in his grave.

Ah I got to got to got to urh.

Gorgeous. Fabulous. Romesh do you want to give it a go?

Yeah go on Rom. What am I doing?

Ha. Ha.

And a ho. Ho.

And a he. Good god. God damn.

Straight back. Well done, good stuff.

Genuinely I'm not just saying this, I feel like I can speak better

than I ever have been able to in my entire life.

So we're going to say the words no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Beautiful support. Just do an impression of Lou.

I feel so verbally dextrous.

Honestly I feel I could say anything.

No, no, no.

Fantastic vocal production. Lovely, nice long neck.

Very good. BOTH: No, no, no.

I want a day off. No. No.

No to another series, no.

He does need to learn that word.

No more Judge Romesh.

Get the gown out.

No, it felt empowering, no.

I feel like it's something I should say more in every day life,

like Romesh do you think for the rehearsals and the vocal warm ups

you should be in costume? No, no, no.

We were now loose lipped and warmed up

and ready to get grips with the language.

Yay all which it inherit shall dissolve.

And I was starting to get in to it.

Where all spirits and are melted into air, into thin air.

It's quite yappy there isn't it, it's like it's quite shouty.

Yeah, but it was a nice volume, I enjoyed the volume.

Personally I thought I nailed it. Yeah, well you always do.

But then Michelle had arranged for us to crank things up a gear

with some Elizabethan action.

(TENSE UPBEAT MUSIC)

Oh I don't like it, I don't like it, oh my god.

Really don't want to do that sword fighting, do you know what I mean?

We could take an eye out and we ain't got a lot to play with,

there's three between us.

Hello both. I'm Maisie, this is Sam.

We're gonna do erm... Hello.

..some combat stuff today mainly we're going to be focusing on

rapier because as you are beautifully dressed,

it was the main weapon in Shakespearean times.

So this was actually happening in- when Shakespeare was alive?

Yeah. He's fucking well old,

when was this? This is mental.

1600s. 1600, when was that?

Long time ago.

When was that? You asking when a time period was?

No yeah I get it, I get it. When was the 1600s?

I can't get me head.

Shall we let you. Was there trains?

Was there trains? Trains?

How old are they?

I've just got to book a train to my rapier fights.

(LAUGHTER)

Bend in your legs, front foot first.

Before we were allowed to duel it out,

Rom and I had to master the footwork.

De dum de dum de dum. Beautiful.

And it didn't take long to see which one of us had the killer instinct.

And back.

Why are you going so quickly and far?

Oh do you want me to fight slowly?

De dum de dum de dum.

Oh I'd kill him immediately. Yeah beautiful. And then backwards.

De dum de dum de dum. Yeah lovely.

Perfect. It's like a ferry that.

What do you mean? Slow.

Romesh is quite a slow mover with the sword work.

I think if he was a vehicle there'd be a beep

as he returns from the duel.

Beep beep beep beep beep beep.

And not being fast on my feet was going to be a problem

with my sparring partner.

And Rob you go for the chest first. Oh Jesus.

And we're gonna block. That's it.

And then go down for the hips and then.

OK whoa, wait for the fucking cue.

Yeah, thanks. Why are you further on than Sam is?

Jesus. I felt I was actually in a row then.

Maisie was saying can you follow me step by step,

we'd finished the fight before she got into the second step

because Rob just decided it's go time.

Going backwards, literally the same thing,

just go back. I don't retreat mate,

I'm a forward fighter. You're gonna retreat.

Cut the ring off, get him in the corner, fucking fuck off.

Luckily I had the wherewithal to actually properly defend myself

otherwise he'd be fucking-

I'd be talking to you with a rapier out my chest.

By some miracle, I'd made it through training without a scratch

and now it was finally time to find out what we'd be performing.

Michelle had spoken to our coaches

and together they'd picked a scene for us.

We had a really good chat about the scene that you're gonna do.OK.

What we've got is a scene from the most famous play in the canon,

Romeo and Juliet.

So you're gonna do a friendship scene.

Oh. Erm, with.

Not the one at the end where we kiss, are kissing when he's dead?

No not that one, you could if you wanted to put it in.

What?

Don't he kiss- he kisses her when she's dead.

Yeah but who describes that as a friendship scene?

(LAUGHTER)

Why would that be called a friendship scene?

Well I don't know, I mean. I'd give you a little kiss,

if you were dead I'd give you a little kiss.

Fine but you wouldn't describe that as a friendship scene.

I'd give you a little kiss on your forehead.Thank you.

And then ring my agent and then the ambulance.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway.You're gonna do the other friendship scene

without the kissing. Right.

There's quite a lot of fights in it.

A fight, oh OK we're fighting in it.

Yeah.

The scene Michelle had chosen was a pivotal fight of the play

in which Romeo's best friend Mercutio was killed.

It was classic Shakespearean tragedy

and somehow Michelle expected us to pull off one of the most

dramatic scenes in history

with me playing Mercutio and Rob as Romeo.

I was hurt under your arm.

I thought all for the best.

And the toughest part was,

we only had a week before we had to perform it.

So basically I think between now and when you do it,

like if you can just learn the lines and say the lines

in the right order, that's successful.

OK great. Thanks so much. Try our best.Yeah.

Thank you, we'll see you, we might come back and do it.

Bye bye. Bye.

All the best. They made worms meat of me.

We're fucked. (LAUGHTER)

(TENSE UPBEAT MUSIC)

In just a week's time,

Rob and I will be taking on one of the most dramatic scenes

in all of history

when we perform Shakespeare in the iconic Globe Theatre.

Help me in some house Benvolio, I shall faint.

A plague on both your houses, they've made worms meat of me.

And we were completely out of our depth.

And then go down for the hips and then.

OK whoa, wait for the fucking cue.

So to help us get ready, our mentor Michelle Terry

had invited us back to watch Romeo and Juliet

performed by the pros.

But first I wanted to see if Rob had any experience treading the boards.

I dressed up as Emma Bunton once for a school play

when we were doing the Spice Girls.

That was a play?

I don't know like assembly, not really a play.

You were on stage?

Yeah, but it was more like oh now we've got

the Spice Girls performing.

OK well now we're getting to the nub of the fact

that I don't think you know what a play is.

I've not been in a play. Right.

Can I tell you something else?

That's the correct answer to that question.

I don't think I've even seen one. No, I don't think you have either.

Romeo and Juliet, Leonardo DiCaprio.

Yeah, yeah. That's a film. Right but- but it's Shakespeare.

Yeah. Pantomime?

That's a play. I've seen- I've seen a play.

That's a play. OK.

I mean it is the, you know.

What I would say is if you didn't know the person,

they said have you been to see any plays...Yeah.

..and you go, oh you know I went to see Dick Whittington at the...

I would say keep that to yourself.

Each year the Globe puts on hundreds of performances

of Shakespeare's plays and none are more famous than Romeo and Juliet.

Tonight's performance was our chance to get a handle on the play

and see the scene we'd be performing in this unique venue.

I've gigged in theatres all over the world, as you have.

I've never seen one like this. No.

It feels like you're-

It feels like you've been transported back in time.

But what Michelle had failed to mention was exactly what time period

we'd be transported back to.

Bang.

I can't help feeling a little bit ignorant cause I didn't realise

that Romeo and Juliet was a western.

(GUNFIRE)

It turned out the Globe was putting on a Wild West themed

interpretation of Shakespeare's classic.

They're all coming in through saloon doors

and then they're talking like a Shakespeare play but it's a western.

It's about seven different time periods you're experiencing

in one performance.

I'm half expecting a DeLorean to come out.

Emmett Brown gets out, Marty.

And, just as we got used to the setting,

next we were hit with the language.

With purple fountains issuing from your veins.

I don't know what's going on in there, it's like having fondue,

you ever had fondue?

I don't know what's going on with that. But it's fun.

But the fun stopped the moment our scene started.

And for the very first time, Rom and I could see just how much

trouble we were really in.

The more I'm exposed to what we're doing,

the less I think it's a good idea.

What the devil came you between us.

I think people are going to throw their shit at us.

Thankfully, we wouldn't be dressing up as cowboys

when we performed and although it had been useful watching the pros

in action, there was still a personal hurdle

we needed to get past.

Are you a fan of Shakespeare? Er, no.

OK.We're constantly being told it's brilliant,

what is brilliant about it? Nobody can answer that question.

We needed someone to explain to us why it was so good,

so the next day we were off to meet a Shakespeare export.

Oscar-nominated film star Jessie Buckley.

Jessie's acting career kicked off by studying the Bard

and with multiple adaptations of his work under her belt,

including appearances at the Globe,

she was the perfect person to help us get our heads around Shakespeare.

Nice to meet you. We need your help Jessie, we're struggling.

How come?

It's just that whole thing of like being forced to learn it at school

and then it's lots of people telling you it's really good.

Yeah. Without, for me,

feeling like there's any concrete evidence.What the hell's going on.

I was like, I felt like that in school too.

You kind of just words that went way past me

and then when I moved over to London,

I did a two week Shakespeare course and I fell in love with it.

I mean I still don't fully understand it.

That's good. (LAUGHTER)

If I'm being completely honest.

But as you work on it you get to know it,

it's like he's condensed the most epic feelings

of being a human into like his text.

All the lines in it, right, obviously it's old English,

but even for that time was Shakespeare a little bit flamboyant

with it, like even back then they'd go calm down mate.

Yeah he invented so many words.

At the time, I-

I basically didn't know what was going on either. Definitely.

It's a bit like listening to an E40 record you know,

he just makes up you know. Who's E40?

The rapper. Does he know about E45?

Most of his stuff you can't understand what he's saying.Right.

Coz he makes up slang so I think. Do you feel like something from it?

Well you feel like you need to try and find out what it means.

There you go. He's cracked- he's cracked the code.

You've cracked it. That's enlightenment.

That's the widest that eyes been open in a while.

Keep it going, it might stay that way. Keep enlightened.

Tell me some other stuff, give me some more epiphanies.

Things seem like they were starting to click for Rom,

but I had my own problem I needed Jessie's help with.

Well we've got to do a performance at the Globe.

Are you? And I've got to be really sad.

What are you doing an actual play? Yes.

OK, I'll be honest with you the tone's not that encouraging.

We're doing a scene where I am sad because Mercutio,

I'm playing Romeo, Mercutio dies right.

Yeah.I'm sad. Yes.

Problem is Rob has to deliver a line with emotion

that he doesn't fully understand what the line means.

What is the line? So basically er, I say.

Look him in eyes and imagine your best friend.

Yeah. Has died.

I feel like I'm at Madame Tussauds.

I wish they'd put me in Madame Tussauds.

Yeah go on. OK.

This day's black fate on more days doth depend

but this begins the woes others must end.

OK so. And what do you think that means?

I think it's a bad day erm.

Very bad. Yeah. Erm, it's gonna get worse.

Yeah that's basically it,

you have to work at figuring out what it means to you.

Yeah, what you're saying is you don't have to know exactly

what is meant by every one of those words,

but you know what the sentiment of that line is

so you can deliver it with that intent right.

That's per- exactly what it is. Yeah.

If we feel like it's all going wrong on the night,

what would your advice be

if your head starts to go in that negative way?

Erm, one would probably think of doing is just like show people

you know, flash or something but that's not what you should do.

Sorry your tip, if it's going badly

and we get a negative inner voice is to get our dicks out.

That's what my bad part of my brain wants to do.

OK right. Right OK but don't say,

you're saying don't do that. Oh sorry right OK.

So like there's no right or wrong just like go-

go and do it and I bet you'll be brilliant and-

Fake it till you make it. Exactly.

I think you're gonna be great, you're gonna take the Globe

by storm.

(CHEERING)

Rob and I are only days away from performing Romeo and Juliet

at the Globe and whilst I was starting to understand what

made Shakespeare great.

Do you feel like some thing from it?

Well you feel like you need to try and find out what it means.

There you go.

Rob was still having trouble accessing his emotions.

What do you think that means? It's a bad day erm.

Very bad.

Rob and I have separate challenges that we have to master

for our performances, mine is erm, to die convincingly.

But I'm not as worried about myself as I am worried about Rob,

the problem that Rob has got is, Rob has to connect to his feelings.

Rob has not done that for a long time,

so the fear is that he might have a breakdown

when he sort of finally reconnects, it's like a, you know,

when they plug the thing in the back of Neo's head in the Matrix

and then upload emotion and empathy.

He might just shit himself and start crying,

which is bad for him and Lou and his children, but great for the show.

So today we're at the Regents Park Open Air Theatre in London

to hopefully turn us two clowns into serious actors

with a master class from one of our country's finest.

Martin Freeman is a national treasure

who first shot to fame as beloved Tim in the smash hit series

The Office

before taking the world by storm as Bilbo Baggins

in the blockbuster Hobbit trilogy.

Hello Martin. Hello. Nice to see you.

Yeah and you. You're looking very cool today.

Thank you.

But most importantly for us, he's no stranger to Shakespeare.

Having played the title role in the critically acclaimed sell-out run

of Richard the Third.

So if anyone can bring out our inner actors, it's Martin.

We need help. Right how can I help you?

We need help, basically we are doing a performance at the Globe,

Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.

I'm playing Romeo, you're Mercutio, I've got to be sad.

Jeez. I mean that's er, that's quite a task.

And erm, as well as me being sad, Rom's got to die

which is obviously difficult to do without looking too eggy.

Yeah and it's difficult to sort of draw on memories

of dying previously. It is, well you're a comic.

OK. Nice, thank you. Come on.

Alright, great. I'm glad you two are getting on.

So you- How comfortable are you at the moment with saying these words?

I feel- I feel a bit like a erm, football manager

that's gone to Holland. Yes.

To manage and then he starts doing press conferences and because he's-

he's been so used to talking slowly to the Dutch players

he has a sort of foreign lilt.

Like who had that? Steve McLaren.

Yes.

You know that, you know coz thou shall pick best 11 to win game.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the other challenge is having to look at that.

Sure. In a ruff, dying,

and be like how am I gonna not laugh?

Is it OK to say that?

No, but I'd say like I will, so the bit where I'm getting aggy

I can do that and all that kind of stuff,

it's the sad bit I'm struggling with.

And the truth is that different people have different ways

of doing it, some people will do sense memory.

Your breathe, your breathing can get you there you know erm.

Coz I saw a thing where someone would cut a hole in their trousers

and pull a pube with a tweezer. I've seen that.

Have you? Yeah man. I have seen that yeah.

Just to get tears.

Yeah but the problem is you've only got so many pubes.

I mean if, if you're- Especially at your age.

If you're performing every night and mine-

Pubes do fall off.

But also mine have got a lot less resistance than they used to,

do you know what I mean? Oh so they just fall off.

You could blow on mine like a dandelion.

Before Martin could start working on our performances,

first off we needed to warm up.

I'm doing a play at the moment and still to this day

I still do sort of articulation exercises

and to make sure that all your, you know, your teeth, your lips

everything has warmed up and is as malleable as possible.

OK. So you just wanna aaaahhh.

Shake that out? Really?

ALL: Aaahhhh.

What, why are you laughing.

It was too good. That was too loose.

Your arms are too long for that. That was too loose.

OK, so here's another little one.

Get your tongue all the way clockwise,

all the way round your lips.

After a while you will feel like it does actually get quite

tiring coz you don't give. Cor it does don't it,

stretch it out. Yeah you do feel it.

Do that on Lou's birthday.

Wow.

Used to do that in The Office. (LAUGHTER)

It worked then.

It's still good 24 years later, it still works.

Clearly Martin had still got it

and now it was our turn to show exactly where we were at.

Let's just try from there. Alright?

Courage man, the hurt can't be much.

A plague on both your houses, why the devil came you between us.

I was hurt under your arm. I thought for all the best.

Help me to some house Benvolio,

a plague on both your houses,

they've made worms meat of me. Hhmm.

So you're gonna die stood up? No well I'm gonna walk off.

Oh right you're gonna walk off.

But I mean for this, I- Yeah yeah yeah.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, like. But then I've got.

OK, but no carry on. OK, sorry yeah.

My very friend hath got his mortal hurt in my behalf.

Oh Romeo, Romeo, brave Mercutio's dead.

This day's black fate on more days doth depend

this but begins the woe others must end.

I think we got it. Yeah?Yeah.

Are we ready? Yeah man. Totally.

And I think if you just stand there with your script in your hand,

laughing, I think it will genuinely, the audience will not have

seen anything like it.

Erm.

Can I tell you something, you really had me.

You bastard. You really good at acting bastard.

That was such a rollercoaster. Horrible.

No, I thought I assumed that would be obvious.

No we're believers, I just thought wow brilliant,

I'm going in to this full of confidence and now I'm in pieces.

I feel absolutely rock bottom now. Sorry.

I hope you've got time to reconstruct us.

Use it, use it.

First things first, we needed to tackle how Rom was going to die.

And after seeing what he was working with, Martin had an idea.

So how are you feeling about the death?

Well, I don't know what to do.

To save you from the thing, ah ah ah dying.

I think when people die off stage and it's reported

that can be just as effective.

Whoever Benvolio is can take you off.Yeah.

And the reporting comes back.

Ah reporting, schmorting,

are you acting or are you fucking a journalist?

Why don't I go home in a cab and then someone tells him

I'm sad about it,

but the only issue with that is I sort of then

have a sword fight and go off stage. Yes.

He's left on his own, no curtain. Now.

No curtain.

What then? Fine.

What he's gonna have to lay there until they all leave.

That's quite a long time. Come on, are we acting or not?

The only- Listen.

What are we doing here? Let me just tell you something.

The relish that you're putting into this,

I will be putting into you crying.

No, do you know what, no. Can I do it?Yeah.

You, so you want me to just lie on the stage?

Until they all leave, I think that, what a commitment.

Use some, there's some breath in it as well.

OK sorry. So you want me to just stay on the stage while they leave?

No breathe. There's no breathe.

Watch. OK.

Oh so you think I I'll just stay on the stage,

no curtain while there's a 10 minute pause.

(LAUGHTER) I think the mouth has to be open.

Oh that was. So good.

That was the best one I've ever seen.You are so good.

Rom definitely needed some convincing,

so the only way to settle this was to give it a go.

A plague on both your houses, they've made worms meat of me.

My very friend hath got his mortal hurt on my behalf.

Oh Romeo, Romeo, brave Mercutio is dead.

This day's black fate on more days doth depend,

this but begins the woe, others must end.

You're off as well Martin. Oh, sorry.

And we can, I tell you what, let's have a little look round.

Yeah. Brilliant.

As a mate, I'll try and keep that down.

Apart from that I'm-

I think that's good because that's like a rictus grin.

Yeah.

You can't tell whether he's laughing or dying.

No and then. Christ.

I mean it hurts. Quite a lot.

But it is very, it's very very moving yeah.

Coz I've never been near a dead body,

you don't move it immediately do you?

Just walk away, go back, I'm alright. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah I'm fine, no I'm fine, I'm fine.

Don't worry about it yeah yeah.

Don't want you getting hurt. Want another series.

I think that's a bad idea by the way, the dragging.

I think you might be right, no worth a try.

It's worth a look weren't it? No definitely worth a try, now.

Was it? Now, there.

So you go, definitely worth a try.

Oh yeah. Come on.

Yes please. You're the best in the business man.

So do you think you should leave? Do you want to just leave?

Well, I mean based on how that went I think leaving is probably better.

Leaving's probably better. OK fine.

Now we decided once and for all I was gonna die off stage,

it was Rob's turn in the spotlight.

Don't pre-empt the sad, OK, and just try and play the sentiment of it

and the feeling of it rather than you know.Right, OK.

And I for one couldn't wait to watch him bare his soul.

From my very friend.

You've just seen him go off and he's in a bad way.

My very friend hath got his mortal hurt in my behalf.

Oh Romeo,

Romeo, brave Mercutio is dead.

This day's black fate, what?

(LAUGHTER)

No, listen man it's hard. It's hard, it is hard.

It's hard. That is-

It's difficult, it's difficult and I don't even- I don't even,

I'm not even gonna tell you how, it's hard.

This days, this, this days.

No don't, not that.

When you hear the news, this doesn't help.

(SIGHS) That.

It doesn't and that's a common mistake,

it's a common mistake right. Absolutely, I won't do that.

Rob was having an absolute nightmare.

My very friend- (LAUGHS)

And he just couldn't get his head around it.

OK. I just keep smiling.

It's difficult this because Rob can't do it,

at all,

and I think even if the show was like Rob got six months

of intensive training, he still couldn't do it,

he cannot do it.

And so desperate times called for desperate measures.

Erm, can I make a suggestion? Yes.

Why don't we short cut it and you just pull out some pubes?

I can't believe that's the best option, but yeah.

Well what do you think Martin? No I think it is the best option.

Well I don't know if it's the best option, it's an option.

Yeah.It's an option. Just try it.

Don't do something you think you're might accidentally start enjoying.

(LAUGHTER)

Just really into death, that's my kink. OK.

Oh Romeo. Romeo, brave.

Go again yeah. Sorry.

Brave Mercutio's dead.

This days black fate on more days, oh.

Doth depend. Duth.

Duth depend but this begins a woe that others must end.

I actually- I think that was your best performance.

I genuinely think that was.

I actually- I do think that was your best performance.

I def- Yeah I definitely weren't thinking about the words anymore.

No. Fucking hell.

I got about eight a go there.

Did you notice what was happening

when you were doing that your breathe was changing.Yeah.

Your breathe was changing OK.

Breathe is a massive, massive part of emotional connection, right,

so there's a thing that I can sometimes access

where you just- you don't allow yourself easy breathe in and out.

So it's a bit, sounds a bit stuttered.

Yeah, don't worry about the sound. No OK.

Don't worry about your face, don't worry about tears.

None of that.Can't believe we went for pubes before breathe.

Why did you not do the breathe?

Well the pubes, the pubes were the gateway to the breathe.

It had been a painful process to get there,

but it felt like we were on to something.

My very friend hath got his mortal hurt in my behalf.

Oh Romeo.

Romeo, brave Mercutio is dead.

This day's black fate on more days doth depend.

Duth. Duth.

This but begins the woes that others must end.

I think we got it. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'd err on the side of finding it very hard to get this stuff out.

Very hard, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. OK.

Rob had finally found a method that worked for him

and thanks to Martin, for the first time this week

we had a real shot of not embarrassing ourselves

in front of 1600 Shakespeare fans.

Well I hope- I hope I've been of some use.

You've been amazing, thank you. I didn't-

I feel way more confident now. Yeah.

Really? Well like yeah good luck, I really hope it goes well.

You'll be fine and the audience will be behind you.

They will enjoy it, this will be way funnier.

And luckily it's short. Funnier?

Huh? Funnier?

No. No. More moving, I said more.

Go on, do it.

Go on, do it. Go on, do it.

Yeah do it, do the thing.

Do it Martin, you wanna, you wanna do it, just fucking do it.

For the last week, Rob and I have been rehearsing intensely

for our Shakespearean debut.

Courage man, the hurt cannot be much.

To see if we had what it takes to perform one of the Bard's

most dramatic plays.

Why the devil came you between us.

And after training with some of the best in the business...

I think it, genuinely the audience will not have seen anything like it.

The following day we had spent working on our performance

with the team at the Globe.

But now, we'd finally run out of time.

It was the day of our big performance at the Globe.

With just a few hours to go, our mentor,

Globe's Artistic Director Michelle Terry

had organised a final rehearsal to iron out any last bumps.

Why don't we slowly walk it from the top.

She'd also bought in her husband actor Paul Ready

who'd be joining us on stage later.

Nice to see you again, I'm as you know,

I'm going to be in the scene with you playing Benvolio

and this is Paul Ready who will be er, your Tibble.

I'm Rob and I'll be your Romeo.

Yeah, I'm Romesh and I'll be Mercutio.

We'd met our co-stars but there was one big question on Michelle's mind.

Do you know your lines? I do, yeah.

I'm- I'm struggling because it,

obviously it's Shakespeare so all the words are mental.

Michelle looked well worried,

but what I'd found out from rehearsals yesterday

was Shakespearean lingo and my brain just don't get on.

UNCLEAR

I do protest I never injured thee

but loved thee better than thou can devise.

I felt like I needed another week to learn my lines.

We had less than three hours

and Michelle clearly trying to give me a fighting chance

had stuck them on the wall.

Romeo, thou art a villain.

Villain am I none,

I do protest I never injured thee

but loved thee better than thou can devise.

But even with the words in front of him...

A plague on both your houses.

..Rob was struggling.

My very friend hath got this mortal hurt in my behalf.

And it felt like his final line was going to give him nightmares.

Brave Mercutio is dead.

This day's black fate on more days doth, duth depend

this but begins the noe others must end.

It's horrible isn't it? It's absolutely horrible.

It's gonna be perfect. I know, I just yeah.

Rob's struggling, I've- let's be clear,

I've fucking nailed it.

I will come dishonourable submission.

I am for you. Come sir.

Your passado.

I know the lines, I know how to do the sword fight.

It wouldn't surprise me if they actually cast me as Mercutio.

Why the devil came you between us. I was hurt under your arm.

I thought- (LAUGHS) I thought all for the best.

Have I heard a single word of praise? No.

Michelle came over to me after one rehearsal,

I thought she was gonna go well done,

she goes do you think Rob's OK?

But I'm chill about it, it's fine you know,

got to look after Rob and stuff and who cares

if I've spent my time learning the lines

and yet I haven't received even a pat on the back.

Is that alright? Really good.

I struggled through an hour of rehearsals

and now the Globe was filling up ready for the main performance.

I had about 90 minutes to try and get the lines in my head.

Villain am I none.

I do protest I never- I never injured.

To move is to start and to be valiant.

The show had started, 1600 people were watching,

suddenly I was very motivated not to make a mug of myself.

I think I've got it. Do you want me to show you?

Yeah go on, show me.

Rob is anxious about it now, but when he gets on stage,

it's the fact that there's a crowd there will just buoy him through.

What I'm slightly nervous about is he'll walk out there,

he'll forget a line, his arse will go, start doing some crowd work.

Oh Romeo Romeo, brave Mercutio's dead.

This day's black date on others duth depend.

On more days. Fuck off.

I need a little kick up the arse from Dr showbiz

and when I walk out there, there's loads of people,

hopefully something happens.

It may or may not, but all I've got now is the lap of the gods.

Our curtain call was around the corner,

so we were off to costume to get stuffed into some Elizabethan gear.

(UPBEAT DRAMATIC HIP HOP)

But the outfits definitely weren't helping our nerves.

Why do I look so fucking fat in this?(LAUGHS)Mental.

I think it's the trousers aren't doing you any favours.

We were meant to be delivering a serious Shakespearean tragedy

and I was starting to worry about how the audience would react.

My ears are poking out. My ears, is that right?

Look like Legolas.

Is this, his ears supposed to be like that?

My ears supposed to do that? How have I pulled Juliet?

The play had hit its tragic climax.

There never was a story of more woe.

And now it was our turn to follow.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I feel sick.

I don't like it. I could shit myself and vomit.

You wouldn't notice in this.

We were about to step out in front of a packed Globe audience.

Villain I am none, am I none. Shit.

And all I could think of was could Rob and I truly convince the crowd

that we could pull of a serious Shakespearean tragedy?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I stepped on stage to a massive cheer,

but then they must have clocked my costume.

Thankfully, we had Michelle and Paul to add some much needed gravitas.

Good in, a word with one of you.

And but one word with one of us.

Couple it with something, make it a word and a blow.

We talk here in the public haunt of men, here all eyes gaze on us.

Men's eyes were made to look.

And let them gaze.

(CHEERING)

Rob came out to a raucous cheer.

And now with both of us on stage,

looking like a pair of extras from Blackadder,

all sense of seriousness had evaporated.

Romeo. That villain.

Villain am I no,

I do protest I never injured thee

but I love thee better than thou devise.

Oh calm dishonourable vile submission.

Even Rob was struggling to keep a straight face,

never mind a Shakespearean tragedy.

This was fast becoming a personal one.

Come sir, your passado.

We needed something dramatic to turn this round.

Good Mercutio.

(SOMBRE DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I'm hurt,

a plague on both your houses I'm sped.

What?

A scratch, a scratch, merit is enough.

Courage man, the hurt cannot be much.

A plague on both your houses, why the devil come you between us,

I was hurt under your arm. I thought all for the best.

Help me into some house Benvolio.

Ah. A plague on both your houses.

It was time to make my exit

and as I staggered off in my death throes,

now it was all up to Rob.

Could he get his last line?

My very friend hath got this mortal hurt in my behalf.

Oh Romeo.

Romeo...

Brave Mercutio's dead.

(SOMBRE DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

This days black fate on more days doth depend

but that begins the woe others must end.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yeah. Get out there.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Rom and I had pulled off one of Shakespeare's

most dramatic scenes and the crowd loved it.

And what made it even better was I hadn't forgotten a single line.

That was erm...

I think that was the hardest thing we've ever done.

Yeah. Yeah it was. Would you say?

It was up there.

We did it and that was hard, to be fair look I don't want to,

I don't want to blow smoke up your pipe, but that was difficult.

Yeah I don't want you to blow smoke up my pipe either.

Couldn't get to it.

Veryily we started this Shakespeare journey,

there were many challenges that lay before us.

For us the challenge is complete.

Upon many of the problems, one included the impossibility

for you to etch the lines upon your cerebellum,

verily though you were able to remember nay recite

the very lines that you were required to

by the owners of the Globe Theatre.

The vurms, I went German.

Ze Bard.

(GERMAN ACCENT) It was difficult to do the Shakespeare

but we managed it.

OK come on then, let's go. Let's go, come on. Oh god.

I'm gonna go home, open the bedroom door

and go Leesa verily I would like to mount you.

(LAUGHTER)

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