Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

ROMESH: 'Rob and I are back...'

It looks a bit like you're my guide. (LAUGHTER)

'..throwing ourselves into the biggest challenges...'

Check, check, check!

'..with the help of the world's best.'

Used to do that in The Office.

ROB: 'Together we're going on a journey of discovery.'

No, no, no!

'To find out what we like...' Oh, wow, Rom, that's amazing!

'..and what we don't.'It just feels like it's all gonna come out.

'This week...

..we're entering one of the world's most prestigious competitions.'

I like it. 'Wildlife Photographer of the Year.'

Just give me your immediate reaction. Unwrap the burrito.

'We'll be venturing into the depths of the jungle.'

This looks like the shittest Indiana Jones reboot ever!

'To find out if we can snap an exhibition-worthy photo.'

Say hello to the Wildlife Photographer of the Year.

'We'd arrived at the Natural History Museum

for the Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition,

their annual competition showcasing

the best nature photography on the planet.

The winning images are seen by millions around the world.'

It's the long-necked turtle. What a waste of a neck in there!

If I'm having a photo of a long-necked turtle,

I wanna see the neck out on display.

If you weren't a comedian, you could work at this museum.Yeah?

Taking Rob Beckett around a wildlife photography exhibition

is like taking one of your small children

that's recently had some sort of head injury.

Rob, look at this.

Ah, that's a cute little fella, isn't it?

What was that little Disney film about the mice?

# (TO THE TUNE OF "AMERICA") I want to live in America,

# I want to live in America #Erm... Reminds me of that little mouse.

Fievel, you talking about? I don't know.First of all,

you were singing a song from West Side Story.

OK.(CHUCKLES) Is there no mice in that?

'Thankfully, we weren't just here for Rob's take on the photos.

We were here because of the Natural Artistry winner Rachel Bigsby.

She challenged us to try our hand at wildlife photography.'

Hi, I'm Rachel.

'And we were meeting competition judge Roz Kidman Cox

to chat about Rachel's winning photo.'

You can see immediately that it's got drama.

She's managed to choose that arrangement with those gannets,

getting the black behind the white bird.

'With over ten years behind the lens

and shots that look more like paintings than photos,

Rachel was the ideal person to get us started.'

Now, the key to successful wildlife photography

is equipping yourself with the tools and the knowledge.

If you go in blind,

you can have really, really good luck...

Why are you looking at me when she said that?

I'm not blind.

Right, sorry. Carry on, Rachel. That's OK.I didn't say you were.

No, but you looked across at me

and then you...completely unbroken eye contact

and I could see, because I'm not blind.

Luckily, it was this eye. Right, sorry, carry on.That's OK.

To give yourself the best chance,

you need to go in thinking of what kind of shot you'd like.

Yeah, tell me if I'm wrong:

is it better to use a long-lens zoom or just get nearer?

Well, getting nearer isn't necessarily always going to work.

Unless you've got incredible stealth and understanding,

we don't really want to encourage you to get too close to wildlife.

So it's not frowned upon for lensing it up?

No, absolutely lens it up.But you have got to have a bit of passion.

You're not coming across as being passionate about...

It's his face.You sound a lot like my wife, Roz (!)(GIGGLES)

If you don't mind me saying. That is just my general energy.

But he's coming across... It's just in me, what can I say? That's fine, Roz.

'Rachel had challenged us

to see if we could cut it as wildlife photographers

and, amazingly, Roz had agreed to put our best photos on display

in one of the world's most prestigious exhibitions.

They'd even reserved us a spot at the Natural History Museum.

The big question: could we actually take a photo good enough

to stand alongside the professionals?'

What do you think our chances are, genuinely?

Well, the... It's not a good start, is it?

How many entrants were there? Yes... 50,000.

One in 50,000? Mm. (CHUCKLES)

Do you know what, I don't mind them odds.

'Let's be clear: Rob and I have never done wildlife photography before

and now we were entering the world's leading competition.

The standard was insanely high,

so we needed all the inspiration we could get.'

OK, we're gonna play a little game, all right?Yeah.

I just want you to look.Yeah. Just give your immediate reaction.

And go! Unwrap the burrito.

(SNIGGERS) OK, good.

I think I'm gonna be good at this,

cos, really, the camera's doing most of the work.

It's just sort of being there.

Get me a camping chair, couple of beers,

clickety-click-click!

Bang! I'm up on the wall.

(CLEARS THROAT) OK, what's happened here?

Looks like someone's just come back from Magic Mike

after their hen do.

I was thinking, what is the worst thing

you could interpret this photo as being?

You've beat it by a long way. I deleted quite a few other options.

Rob really does have a level of self-belief

that massively outweighs his level of ability.

Why wouldn't Rob, after spending ten minutes walking around an exhibition,

think he could win Wildlife Photographer of the Year?

It's classic Beckett.

'Our mission was set: to give ourselves a fighting chance

of taking a photo that might impress Roz,

we needed to find somewhere that was full of wildlife,

and that was gonna take some proper thinking.'

'A few months later, we had a decision to make.'

So Rom, where are we gonna go to take these photos?

We need to make it easy. You know when they show Simba

to the animals in Lion King? That's where we need to go.

Basically, I asked Rachel for some suggestions.OK.

This is what she's come up with: "Pembrokeshire, UK, puffins."

Nah. OK.

I'm not going out of my way to take a photo of a puffin.

OK, here's something: Africa.

That feels a bit like, "Fiat 500 basic bitch, I've been on a safari."

We need to go deeper.Well, I don't want to lead you too much,

but this is 100% the one I think we should do.Go on.

The forest, rivers and caves are home to a huge variety of wildlife

that provides no end of photographic opportunities,

including orangutans...

Oh! ..elephants, tigers

and rhinos. In a forest?

The only place on earth to have all of those creatures.

Oh, come on!

That's like the Toys R Us of animals, that, all under one roof!

Rob Beckett, we are going to Sumatra.

Where the fuck is that?

'The decision was made:

we were heading 6,000 miles east

on a 21-hour journey to Sumatra,

Indonesia's largest island,

where we'd be starting our trip

in the Gunung Leuser National Park.'

'Sumatra's home to the Gunung Leuser ecosystem,

one of the most diverse forests on the planet.

It's the last place on Earth

where elephants, tigers,

rhinos and orangutans

all still live together,

so we'd come to get our first proper taste of nature photography

and our adventure was already off to an unusual start.'

Hello. How are you?

Oh, that's refreshing, though.

Ooh!

'We were travelling by Gunung Leuser's "jungle taxi" -

inflatable rafts used to reach remote parts of the park.

We were heading deep into the jungle,

where we'd meet our guide.'

This is nice. This feels very... magical and I just feel like...

This looks like the shittest Indiana Jones reboot of all time.

(CHUCKLES)

So what would be the ideal photo? What's your dream photo?

I think an orangutan - the "gentleman of the jungle".

Do you know what I'd love to get?

Orangutan riding a tiger.

What's your plan gonna be with photography?

Gonna keep taking photos of everything,

or try and get the perfect shot? I approach photography

the same way I approach having children: spray and pray.Yeah.

(CHATTER)

This is nice.

There's people doing washing. It's absolutely deserted here (!)

We're in the middle of nowhere. Feel like we're at Universal!

It's like Dymchurch (!) What's going on here?

Where are we? (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS)

(PUMPING DANCE MUSIC) This is a bit more me!

(LAUGHTER AND JOYFUL SHOUTS)

(CHUCKLES) AS DJ: Who wants a rewind?

Pull up, pull up, pull up!

It's just good to just be totally alone and just soak in the nature.

I just feel so removed from the rat race, you know?

I didn't know there were rapids. Oh. OK.

This be rough? Yeah.Yeah? OK.OK.

I'll just hold on, then. Shall we hold onto each other?

No, no! Hold on.

Oh, Rom... I thought it was, like, relaxing?

It's actually... Jesus Chri... Shit!

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

Oh, my God. Right.

Those rapids aren't relaxing.

As long as it stays at that level, it'll be all right - arse up.

Not seen one bit of wildlife. Aargh!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) 'And just like that,

Rob was up close with some wildlife:

a massive spider.'

Whoa! Argh!

Fuck, there was a spider on me. What was that?

There was a spider on me. Did you see that?

Fuck off! Oh, get me out of here.

(CHUCKLES) Did you see it?

A fucking... Whoa... Whoa!

Whoa! Fucking...

Right. Get me to the shore - now! (LAUGHS)

'The first encounter done,

now it was time to meet the man who would help us find the rest:

Darma Pinem...' Finally you come. Darma.

'..a conservationist and local legend.' Nice to meet you.

'For over 30 years, he's helped protect the wildlife here

and shown visitors around the Gunung Leuser.'

We can found tigers, rhino, elephants...

You may get some of the good shot

of the beautiful orangutans!

BOTH: Yeah. Yeah!

So let's go. Welcome to Gunung Leuser National Park!

'Darma was taking us to meet

multi-award-winning photographer Ulet Ifansasti.'

Rob.Oh, hi, Rob. Nice to meet you. Rom. How you doing?

'Having had images published in Nat Geo and Time Magazine...'

Oh, wow! That's amazing.

'..today he had agreed to join us on a trek

to give us some expert photography advice,

so all we needed now

was for Darma to find us some wildlife.'

'That afternoon, we went on our first expedition

to a conservation sanctuary in the national park

in search of something special.'

Oh, my God, there's elephants. Look at this!

Wow! It's amazing!

Your first wildlife.

'It was incredible just to be near them,

but a full family of elephants - that was something else.'

Darma has reached into his very deep shorts pockets,

pulled out a couple of elephants!

It's unbelievable! He's gone so big, early doors, it's insane!

Day Two, it's probably gonna be a unicorn (!)

'They're the largest animal roaming the island

and, being sanctuary elephants,

comfortable enough with people.

If we couldn't get a photo here,

we were in serious trouble.

Ulet was on hand to help us get our heads around the kit...'

This is a zoom... Oh, OK...and then zoom out.

'..and give us some tips on how to take a good photo.'

The important thing is, be patient. Patient?

Yeah. So you communicate with them.

So you can talk to the animals? Yes, like in your heart.

'But Rob was taking talking to the elephants a bit too literally.'

Come here, Dumbo. Look at me, baby.

Oh, there you go. Gimme more of that!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

'As the elephants made their way into the rainforest,

we were given the all-clear to follow them

for a chance to capture something unique.'

I got one photo that looks all right,

but I don't know if it's good or just weird.

A baby.Oh, it's a baby? The daughter.Baby needs milk.

So you can see it actually having a bang on it.

I've found an elephant sucking on its mum's tit and took a photo.

Is that allowed? Who knows.

'As we continue to follow the elephants,

it became clear there was a problem staying on their tail.'

I've got a lot of photos of their behind.Yeah.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

If there's an exhibition just on their genitals, I've got it covered!

What I would say is,

what Rob and I captured today

is what I would call "elephant Only Fans".

There's a lot of arse and genitals. Not a lot of face,

which is what people pay for - I've been told, I haven't got an account.

'After following the elephants for half an hour,

we barely had a decent picture between us.'

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) 'But as the herd headed for a cool-down,

we had no excuse not to get an exhibition-worthy photo.'

Ulet said, "I'll set it for you.

It's gonna be so easy."

'And then we took some photos of the elephants.

I looked at what Ulet got and what we got.'

Oh, wow! 'It was so much better than mine.'

My photo looked like somebody using the camera for the first time.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) His photo looked like

the story of the elephant in one image.

The truth is, Rob and I don't know how to take photos.

Oh, shit! I missed the good stuff.

'So we've come to the wildlife,

but we can't capture it.' Ooh!

Is there a really strong argument that we should have practised

with the camera equipment in the UK? Absolutely.

I am shit at photos!

Have we wasted a day in Indonesia? Certainly.

It's just, they're so massive!

I mean, we're on Day One. It's the biggest 180

from when we were at the actual museum.

Yeah, you know what? I was wrong - hands up.

It's a nightmare! I don't know how they do it, these wildlife photographers.

'Rob and I are trying to take a photo

worthy of Wildlife Photographer of the Year.'

What do you think our chances are, genuinely?

Well, erm... That's not a good start, is it?

'With a space waiting for us on the wall of the Natural History Museum

that would be seen by millions, the pressure was on.'

(BIRD CALLS)

'So we travelled to Sumatra

to give ourselves a fighting chance.'

Oh, my God, there's elephants! 'But so far, all we got...'

Come here, Dumbo. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

'..was an elephant's backside.'

I am shit at photos.

'Determined to do better,

the next morning we headed downriver to meet Darma

in search of something a little more inspiring.'

When we were in London,

looking around at the exhibition,

you were quite confident and cocky and sort of annoying.

How confident are you feeling now?

Erm, I feel like I'm gonna be far too stressed about dying

to focus on taking a photo. Yeah.

If I emigrated and lived here... I'd love it, first of all, let me tell you that.

..I'd be dead in a week. I think that is so optimistic (!)

That you think you'd last a week here, on your own, without Darma?

It's so hot, as well. I'd give you 90 minutes.

(LAUGHS)

'Fortunately for me, then, we did have Darma.'

Yes, Darma.

'And after yesterday's elephant trek,

Rom and I were looking forward to another day of breathtaking wildlife.'

You good? Good, good. See still alive!

Still breathing. Yeah, still!

So, right, today will be our...

first proper explorations

to the bat cave. BOTH: The bat cave?

Yeah. Er, it's a cave and it's... The name makes sense.Smells bad.

Smells bad? Yeah, because bat poo!

Bad poo?No, BAT poo. Bat poo. Oh, right.

Spiders?Spiders, could be not. Could be not.

Because we are in the cave. Could be not!

Because anywhere you are in the rainforest -Could be not.

- there is some possibility.

OK.OK. Probably you can get good shot

with your camera again. Let's go.

You need this, because cave usually dark.

Usually?Usually dark.Yes, Darma. OK, let's go.Are you...

wearing that flip flop? Yeah, I'm good with that.All right.

Let's go. Let's go, Darma.

What an opportunity!

The main issue is, everything that's involved, I hate.

Oh, no. Fucking hell...

'So, cave - no, thank you. Bats - no, thank you.'

Spiders, go fuck yourself.

We're not even in the bloody cave yet!

Us going into that bat cave

is like taking two virgins into an orgy.

Neither of us have a clue what we're doing.

There's going to be some screaming,

a lot of, "Urgh, what is that?"...

and then some, "I don't think I want to do this any more."

Is my torch on? Er, no.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Come here. You'll need that.

There you go.Oh, my God, it's a cave! Wrong one.

You've got the red on. You look like the police.

Oh, my God, it's a cave.Yeah.

All right, then. We move deeper to the cave.(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Deeper.

'The cave was formed of three large chambers

that go deep into the Gunung Leuser rainforest.

Darma was taking us to the bats,

which, unfortunately for us, was in the third and final chamber,

almost a kilometre deep underground.'

Oh, this is horrible.

Darma, don't take us too near anything that moves, yeah?Yeah.

So there's going to be lots of insects here?Er, yeah.Oh, God...

Look at that! Rob? Rob?

Rob, you go and have a look.Why me? Go and have a look, Rob.

(WHISPERS OMINOUSLY) Sssspider! Oh, leave it out, Darma.

What kind of spider, what spider is it?A friendly one.

A friendly one, how do you know? Where is it? Oh, my God!

You big bastard! What is that?

A spider. I know, but what type?

I think that's as far as it goes. OK, that's all we've got.

It's a spider. Let's have a look.And this one!

(HORRIFIED GASP) Rom! You can't...

Sorry, I didn't realise I was gonna react like that.Right, OK.

(PANICKED GASP) Rom, what are you doing?

Fuck off and get scared on your own! Sorry.

Something just dripped on me. Water drip. Water drip from the top.

OK.It's water. Fucking rein it in, yeah?

If I'm looking at a spider and something lands on me,

you can forgive me for shitting myself.

Yeah, but just don't shit yourself near me.

'The spider was our first opportunity to snap some wildlife,

but as we took out our cameras...

..that was when we realised that this time, our photography skills

weren't going to be the only problem.'

Oh, my God.

Why are we going in the dark to take a photo? We struggle in the light!

OK, ready? (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Once you do see something,

you can't take the photo with the light on,

because it gets blown out, so you have your head torch, right?

You press the button halfway, focus and snap.

Put the light on the thing, half-focus and snap.

What kind of photography requires you to look away

as you take the fucking photo?

'It had been a terrifying start

and now Darma was taking us deeper into the caves

in search of bats.'

Ugh! Oh, this is horrible!

Best not to look at the walls, innit, cos you might see stuff.

'And as we headed further in,

it was no longer just the fear of the wildlife that was worrying us.'

Fucking hell, Darma! Are you winding me up?

This is awful.

'For two middle-aged men,

scrambling through tiny gaps in jagged rocks

was becoming a much bigger problem.'

Oh, bloody fuck...

Well, I've got a little, like, health tracker.

It just told me I was playing five-a-side.

'It was tough going.'

Oh, my God... You all right?

Yeah, it's just quite hard.

'As we left the first chamber for the next...'

Right, it's like climbing a mini-mountain!

'Thankfully, Darma was on hand

to help us get through it.'

Come here. Slow. Carefully.

Good.

'What's embarrassing is, me and Romesh have got all the gear on

and Darma's jumping about in a pair of flip flops!

But then, I suppose he's used to it. He's grown up here, ain't he?'

Stick him on the Tube,

tell him to get from Waterloo to Finsbury Park.

You know what I mean? We've all got our own habitat.

(SCREECHING)

'But all our hard work was paying off,

as after nearly an hour of dragging our sad bodies

through bat-poo-covered rocks,

we were finally entering the bat chamber.'

Oh, my God! Look at that!

(AWE-INSPIRING MUSIC)

(FRANTIC SCREECHING)

It's 40 minutes of slipping

and tripping up and going, "Aargh,"

and thinking of your wife and children

and, at the end of it,

are 30 of the most hideous fucking creatures

I've ever seen in my life.

31, sorry - I was with Rob.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

'It had been a mission just to get there, but once we did,

we only had one strategy.'

Spray and pray, baby. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Come and look at me, you little bat bastard!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

'We took hundreds of photos as quickly as we could

and, compared to the spider,

we were getting better in the dark.'

Oh, I've got some good 'uns there.

'But compared to the professionals,

we were still nowhere near their level.'

DARMA: So let's go!

Is it this way back out, as well? Yeah.Fucking hell...

(CHUCKLES)

(BIRDSONG / INSECTS CHIRRUP)

So how was it for you? (GROANS)

We did get some photos of those disgusting little upside-down rats,

but erm, yeah, I don't erm...

It's very tiring. Very hot in there, wasn't it?

It was very hot, yeah. It was 97% humid!Is that right?

I don't know what that means. What does that mean?Humidity?

Well, 100% humidity's the sea.

So you're underwater? We were 97% of the way there.

We're not 3% away from being in the sea!Not sure how it works,

but 100% humidity must be water.

When you're in the cave, you can't go,

"If there was 3% more water in here, we'd be in the sea."

Well, get me 3% more and we'll check.

I am wet, though. Me too.I'm half seal!

I tell you what is 97% humidity - my gooch.My anus is pure water! 103.

Anyway... My skin is disg...

I think I might have lost weight, though.Mm.

I feel like I'm on Celebrity Fat Club.

Make the fat ones go tunnelling

through holes they can't fit through.

The little fella in flip flops flies through!

(SERENE MUSIC)

It was hard, but it's one of those...

I would describe it as one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences,

and by that I mean I'm never fucking doing it again - ever.

I... (RUMBLE OF THUNDER)

This can't be real. This cannot be real.

(RAIN PELTING)

Brilliant (!) Do you know what?

It is the perfect end to today.

Spent two hours getting no decent photos,

bring on the thunderstorm, please (!) (THUNDERCLAPS)

(THUNDERCLAPS / LIGHTNING CRASHES)

'Rob and I are deep into our second day in Sumatra

and we still didn't have an exhibition-worthy photo

so, with time running out,

Darma had arranged for us to go on a nighttime photography mission...

..but, given the weather,

it was the last thing we wanted to do.'

Well, the conditions are shit.

Do you know what these conditions are like

when that guy tried to steal the embryos in Jurassic Park...

(RUMBLE OF THUNDER)

..and that thing sprayed stuff in his face?

I'm half expecting to see a goat on a string

and then I look again and it's gone!

(SINISTER MUSIC)

We were on the edge of the rainforest

to try something called "night herping" -

basically going out into the jungle

to find snakes and amphibians

that we could try to photograph.

Everything was against us,

but Darma told us not to worry, as he had bought along some help.

'Assisting us on this hellish walk

was Darma's friend Hippow, a snake expert.'

Are any of the snakes poisonous?

King cobra? There's king cobras here?

Have you ever been bitten? HIPPOW: Yeah.

You've been bitten by a king cobra?

Fucking hell!Oh, my God!

Yeah, and they've got them here, have they?Yeah, yeah.Cool.

OK. You OK for that?

It sounds good, man. Exciting! That sounds great, man.

I wish we'd asked that after the walk,

but cool, let's do it. OK.OK, let's find some.

DARMA & ROMESH: Let's go.

There's fucking king cobras here!

You know king cobra? (HISSES)

There could be one right round here.

There's deadly shit out here!

I see this one snake...

Where?

Oh, yeah. Is that poisonous?

Nah, I'm all right with that colour, to be honest.Yeah?

Hippow... Now, Hippow - great guy.

Would I put me and him together? Absolutely not.

If I arrived on a stag do with someone that I didn't know that well and Hippow was there,

he'd be the last person I ended up chatting with.

Is it? Also, surely

you've got to stick on a pair of boots and long sleeves for herping!

I don't even go out in odd flip flops to do the bins!

He's sliding about

picking up cobras! No wonder it bit him.

Oh, the green one.

Little viper bastard?

Two-week coma?

Two week?Yeah.Wow, man! Shall we move on, then?

Yeah. 'I do think this is rock bottom.'

I thought the bat cave was bad,

but as we were going through the jungle,

I was thinking nostalgically about the bat cave

and that became sort of my happy place in my head,

as I walked through the jungle

and Hippow pointed out another really poisonous snake.

It's a great colour.Good colour. Good coma colour (!)

At one point in there, I thought, "I might as well get bit.

At least I get to leave."

I'm just gonna put my arm out in front of it:

"Have a bang on that, mate. I get two weeks in hospital."

Be easier than this! (RAIN PELTING / THUNDERCLAPS)

It is a low point, when you're wishing for a coma (!)

'But despite the thunder, the lightning

and the snakes that put you in comas,

best friends Hippow and Darma were still in high spirits.'

Look at this.

'And, almost unbelievably,

their enthusiasm was starting to rub off on us.'

Hippow, this is such good herp, man.

We're doing some good herping, bro. This is great, innit?

'You know, Darma would be a great tour guide in Ibiza.'

Like, he is just, like...

he just got this mad vibe.

Oh, cut, cut, cut! It's gonna be crazy, man!

And then he shows his best friend and his best friend...

they've both been taking the same thing,

both absolutely off their tits on herp and they want you to join them.

'Things were on the up and what made it even better...'

Oh, that's a good one. '..we were starting to find

some less deadly wildlife.'

'So now we could get close enough to bag some half-decent photos.'

You see that? (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

That's good herp. Great night.

Five stars Tripadvisor: "Get your 'erp on!"

Yeah, great herping.

Some of the best I've ever done.

Darma is, like...

in the daytime...

Sorry, there's lightning again. (RUMBLE OF THUNDER)

It's a bit of lightning, so I got slightly distracted.

'The herping had been a success

and after our second day in the jungle,

we now had at least one photo we were proud of.'

# HALL & OATES: You Make My Dreams

So what did you make of herping? Erm...

I'd say...when I was in the middle of that jungle,

the worst place I've ever been in the world,

and I've done night buses through Peckham.

Yeah. But as herping goes, five star.

I suspect I prefer it not in a storm.

What I did like, though, was meeting Darma's best friend.

That was sweet, wasn't it? Really sweet."My best friend."

Imagine them just coming out here at 1am.Quick herp. Fancy a bit of herping?

Seen the bite on his arm? Yeah.

Jesus Christ! I don't think,

if I was recommending him as a guide, giving him advice,

I'd say, "Don't open with the king-cobra stuff."

He was wearing odd flip flops, did you see that?Yeah.

The fact they were odd wasn't a concern.Flip flops!

How is he wearing flip flops?

Wild!I wasn't thinking, "Get them matching."

I was thinking, "Get some boots on, you lunatic!"

6am tomorrow, have another herp?

Yeah, absolutely. Let's go.

Let's herp. Hippow's still out there, by the way.Is he?

Yeah, he's taken one of his sliders off, just to be sassy!

'Rob and I are attempting to take a photo

for Wildlife Photographer of the Year.'

If it's good enough,

it'll be displayed here? Absolutely,

if it's good enough, yeah. 'Competition judge Roz Kidman Cox

had even reserved us a space in an exhibition seen by millions.

After two days in Sumatra surrounded by wildlife,

all we had to offer was the underside of a frog,

but from day one, Rob had his heart set on something else.'

What's your dream photo?

I think an orangutan, the "gentleman of the jungle".

'So today,

our guide Darma was leading us deep into Gunung Leuser

in search of the king of the swingers.'

I'm excited, cos he reckons we're going to see orangutans.

That's the shot we want.

'But first we were meeting back up

with photography expert Ulet.'

How are you? Yeah, good.OK.

'He was loading us up with all the tech...'

You want to open it? Yeah.

'..so if we did find an orangutan, we couldn't miss.'

Oh, fuck off!Oh, my God, are you taking the piss?Yes.

That's mental! (CHUCKLES)

This is not... This can't be... Yeah.

This is the...the super-tele...

It's the tele zoom.

This is 600 millimetres. Yeah.

So that goes in there? Uh-huh.

Then you walk in the woods?Just hold.We might as well have stayed

in England and taken them from there! That goes round your neck?Jesus!

You can't wander around like that!

Ulet, that's...that's not real.

That's real.

Do you reckon they'll see me coming?

'It was our last shot - one last trip with Darma

and it wasn't gonna be easy, cos we were looking

for a critically endangered species.

With only a few thousand Sumatran orangutans left,

spread across thousands of miles of jungle,

the odds weren't in our favour.'

Today is everything - everything.

I don't want to overstate it:

the success of the trip rests on what happens in this jungle today.

If we don't find an orangutan today,

this has been a massive fucking waste of time.

'We had a long day ahead,

but Darma's 30 years of experience in the rainforest

and his work with the Sumatran Orangutan Society

would hopefully deliver us

a competition-worthy photo.'

Some time,

with the orangutans...

we can communicate. Really?Oh, can you?

Yeah. For the male,

we call that long call

to telling the single females, "I am here,"

and the sounds look like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh,"

like that, which is... Ooh, ooh, ooh!

And this can hear about, what, two kilometres away.

(MUMBLES)Pardon? Want to have a go?

Oop! Oop! Oop!

Oop! Oop! Oop!

Oh, that's Leesa coming. Yeah.It worked.

You saying that Leesa's an orangutan

that responded to my mating call? I'm saying

she's responding to YOUR mating call.

'Darma was a fountain of jungle knowledge.

Rob was saying what he saw.' Big old bastard tree, that!

What's this tree, Darma?

Erm, this is other type of erm... Old rocket?

(LAUGHS) You love that one, don't you?

Fucking RFOL.

You're gonna use that on your next tour (!)Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

'Three hours into our trek,

we hadn't taken a single photo.

It was boiling and we were struggling.'

I've never been hotter in my life!

I feel like one of them boil-in-the-bag turkeys.

'We'd covered over eight kilometres but it was hard going.'

OK?You all right? I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

'Even armed with our mating calls...'

Oop! Oop! Oop!

'..we still hadn't seen an orangutan

and I was starting to give up hope.'

Oh, God!It never ends, is it? How big's this jungle?

One million hectares.

So many hectares! Could afford to lose a bit.

Well, no, no, we want to keep it for the -

Just kidding. Bit of environmental banter.

'The hours of walking were starting to get to Rob.'

Are we going to see an actual orangutan today, do you think? Cross the finger.

I like Darma. I think he's a great guy.

He is difficult to read,

in that he's incredibly positive about everything,

so it's highly likely, at the end of the day,

he'll just go, "We didn't find any orangutans."

Then we'll just have to live with it

and then I assume Rob will pummel him to death.

Shit. Watch your step.Yeah, I will.

'We'd been on our feet for hours

and still no sign of an orangutan.

The day was getting on

and soon we'd have to start heading back.

But then...'

(RUSTLING) (HOARSE WHISPER) Shh! Look at that.

Wow! Man... (GASPS)

It's looking at you, Rom.

(Oh, my God.) Look at it.

Orangutan. Shall we do the noise?

No, no.We don't do the noise? Not here.(Oh, my God...)

'After a long and hot four hours of searching,

we'd finally found a female orangutan.'

Let's get the cameras out. Camera.

I'll get yours out, you get mine out, OK?OK. (CHUCKLES)

'But this was the first time we'd used our massive telephoto lens

and they handled like scaffolding poles (!)'

Oh, fuck off, it's too heavy to hold up!

Oh, God. Is it coming down?

'This was the moment we'd been waiting for

and we were making a mess of it.'

Why does it keep moving, the bastard?

This is well hard, this.

I've got the back of it.

'And just like that, she disappeared.'

It's gone. Gone.

Shall we chase it?

No. It's mealtime for her. Yeah.

Ah, you're so lucky, man. Yeah?You are.

I don't think you'll think that, when you see the photos I've got there (!)

'Darma delivered the moment,

but we'd completely failed to photograph it.'

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

I literally cannot believe this just happened.

As soon as she saw a camera, she moved.

All we had to do was take the shot. Yeah.And we couldn't deliver.No.

We've done a what, nearly 20-hour flight,

four-, five-hour trek. Yeah.You found us an orangutan

and, between us, not one photo. Is there one chained up anywhere?

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

It's difficult to say, but it was a massive cock-up.

As soon as we got the cameras out,

it moved like it didn't want to be on Sky.

It was, like, "You know what, I'm only gonna do terrestrial."

I've got nothing here. It's gone to find Attenborough.

I can't believe it!

I've got absolutely fuck-all. It was, like, there!

I've got the same camera they used to shoot Jupiter (!)

Well, Darma, thank you very much, that was amazing.

You delivered. Thank you so much. This is your luck.

Is it just back the four hours we came?Yep.

Great.OK, cool. All right, then.Off we go.

'We had four hours of walking ahead.

Just enough time to reflect on how badly it had gone.'

I don't even know if I can talk to Leesa and the kids about it.

"Dad's back." "Oh, my God! Show us the photo of the orangutans."

"I haven't got any, son."

"But...but you saw them, didn't you?" "Yeah."

"You said it was really close, yeah?

So did you get a photo?" "No."

"What's the matter, Dad?

Did you not have a good camera?" "I had the best, son."

"Was it a rubbish lens?" "It's the biggest lens you could get."

"But you still didn't get a photo?" "No." "Why?"

"Because your dad's shit."

"I hate you, Dad." "I hate me too, son."

What?

(Another orangutan. Look.)

Oh, my God! Look at that, Rob.

That's amazing.Here, here. That's so good.Good spot.

That's amazing.

He's getting a leaf. (GASPS)

Where is it? Where's it gone? Oh, for fuck's sake!

There, there, there. It's so heavy!

She's a hungry girl. Lunchtime!

'This time, we were better prepared

and I had a good feeling about some of my photos.'

You're a legend, Darma. Congratulations, man.We've done it.

Darma, thank you, bro. Congratulations.

This is amazing.'The hours of struggling through the forest

suddenly felt like nothing.

If this was what wildlife photography's all about,

I was into it.'

(HUSHED WHISPER) (GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.Up there.

Look.Oh, my God.

That's amazing.

Yeah, alpha male. Finally.

We need to get our camera. Let me get a camera.

I tell you what, we've had a stroke of luck,

cos we thought we were done.

We had an absolute howler with the first one.

We're walking through,

then big daddy boy's up there, sitting there.

Big old plate-face.

Just free target.

Now he's looking at you, deciding which one's comedy he prefers.

Didn't move.

I'm fucking getting into this.

'Absolutely nailed him!

Got full frontal and open jaw.'

It's got to win, innit?

Oh, smashed it.

Yeah, you're the man.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) We'd done it - proper photos

of one of the rarest species on the planet!

We had something for Roz,

even if Rom was still at sixes and sevens with his camera.

(Oh, my God...) You don't look down the hole thing?

You just look at it like an iPad? What? Yeah.

You've not been looking down the hole at all?Just been using that.

Wild!I can't be arsed to look down the hole!

You've got to look down the hole.

Let me hold it up to my eye.

Yeah, as a photographer would.

The hole looks so much better!

You're like Schwarzenegger in Commando.

(RAPID CLICKING)

Say hello to the Wildlife Photographer of the Year.

(RAPID CLICKING)

Lucky you!

We were not expecting this. We got three!Yeah.

I'm starting to think they're not endangered. (LAUGHS)

It's been amazing. I mean, it's such a rare animal to see.

(TWIGS SNAP / RUSTLING)

Was that another orangutan?

Fucking leave us alone!

'It was time to say goodbye to Darma.

He never stopped smiling, even when we were falling apart

and he delivered when we needed it most.'

Darma, that was amazing.Oh thank you. All right.Thank you so much.

Three orangutans! Three orangutans.

Been incredible. We've done so many amazing things.

Did the caves.Caves, elephants, bridges, orangutans.

Unbelievable.We've been so lucky with what we've seen!

We've been really lucky. Yeah, you are the luckiest person

in this planet at the moment,

by seeing the big daddy boy.

BOTH: The big daddy boy!

(ALL LAUGH)

All right, then, maybe it's time to go.

OK, yeah, let's go. Thank you very much.

Nice to meeting you. He's clocking off.

See you later. He's just on a day rate.

Take care. Still alive, man! Still alive.

Still alive and keep smile, man. Big daddy boy!

Big daddy boy! (ALL LAUGH)

'We'd returned to civilisation

to start sorting through the thousands of photos we'd taken

since we'd arrived in Sumatra.'

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

'Now we had to select two of our best each

to send to competition judge Roz.'

OK.There was a lot of rubbish. That's shit.

Really bad, that one.

'But there were a few that stood out.'

BOTH: Oh! That's the one I like.

That is good! That's a big yawn.

That's the best, so far.

'It had taken hours,

but we'd selected two photos each

to send to Roz.

I was sending in a night-time frog

and my female orangutan looking off into the middle distance.'

'I was going all in on big daddy boy - he looked good whatever.

Big smiley boy...

and easily Photo of the Week, big yawn boy.'

There's a couple of shots in there

that could be quite good

and I'm really gutted to say

that the best one might have been taken by Rob Beckett.

'So with the photos sent to Roz to judge,

all we could do was wait...

..and the next day we got an answer.'

"Hello."Hello, Roz. It's Rom and Rob.Hello!

"Hi, hello. So you made it?"

Roz, it's tough out here.

I think we've got good photos,

but it's a harsh place.

"Yep. Now, I got them overnight.

I've had a good look..." OK.

"..and, actually, I was quite surprised.

Erm, I was impressed, in fact." Wow!

"You've actually done very well." Oh, thank you.Thank you.

"Now, I really like the little frog.

It looked like it was about to try and eat something. It had attitude."

That was my photo.

I was really passionately taking it. "OK. (CHUCKLES)

But the one I decided on I really like was the female

and she's looking to one side." Oh!Your one, again.

"And the light is on her,

the light has caught her eyes,

there's a glint in her eye."

'Incredibly, Roz had liked all mine

and none of Rob's had even got a mention,

but I thought I'd better pretend to be gracious about it.'

We like the yawning one,

cos it was like a bit of an action shot.

That's why we thought that was better.And teeth, and stuff.

"Yeah, but I'm afraid on the left it's just too distracting

and messy, with the light coming through."

Well, it is a jungle, Roz.

What do you want me to do, retile it (?)

"(CHUCKLES) Well, you know -" Stick up a bamboo wall (?)

Give us a chance. It's a jungle!

"Well, we're coming onto the wall now."

Ooh... I just wanted to say,

you did do well. Joking aside,

I hadn't expected shots

that would be good enough to put on the wall."BOTH: Oh!

"So erm...my favourite one

will be on show

at the Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition

at the Natural History Museum." Really?

"Yeah, so well done." Oh, my God!

So Middle Distance is going on the wall?On the wall!

Thank you, Roz. I'm buzzing.

Is there any space for another one?

Yeah, probably be my second one! "No, just the one."

Yeah it would be. Shit! (CACKLES)

"I'm sorry." Don't worry. I know what it's like.

You're tight for space at the... Natural History Museum

that you once had a dinosaur in the middle of it (!)

Famously -Bit tight for the old wall space (!)Famously devoid of walls!

# THE TOKENS: The Lion Sleeps Tonight

I'm buzzing, Roz. That's amazing news.

I can't believe it. Thank you.

"All right."All right, see you soon."Bye."Bye!

'So after travelling over 6,000 miles across the globe...'

Never ends, is it?

'Trekking with elephants...' Come here, Dumbo.

'Crawling through caves...' Oh, my God! Spray and pray, baby.

'..and dodging coma-inducing snakes...'

There's king cobra here? Yeah.

'..we finally captured a shot worthy...'

(Oh, my God.)

'..of the Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition.'

Smashed it.

'And what made it even better

was that Rob didn't have a single picture on the wall.'

Thought I'd nailed it, to be honest. Yeah.

Well, it's you know, it's exciting - photo's going up.

I would say, though,

we have done pretty well here,

considering how bad our photos were

to the good ones we've got.

I think it just goes to show you

that if you've got a bit of determination...Yes.

..a guide takes you exactly to where the animals are

and somebody's shown you how to use the camera...

And about �8,000 worth of equipment. Yeah.

So if you do have access to that, I'd say,

anyone can get involved in this competition!

There are no barriers to entry! All you got to do...

is have a 15-year comedy career,

build yourself up to having enough profile to do a show on Sky

and have the amount of technical support that we had

in order to take one photo that's good out of 15,000.

Yes. We've made it. You're on the wall, baby!

And unfortunately, cos there's not enough wall space, I'm not.

I'm gonna go hose down my gooch. Yep.

Thank you, Indonesia. Let's get me to Bromley.

We're still alive, baby!

Gonna have a cheese sandwich and a Stella when I get home.

LOUIS ARMSTRONG: # I see trees of green

# Red roses too

# I see them bloom

# For me and you

# And I think to myself

# What a wonderful world

# Yes

# I think to myself

# What a wonderful world

# Ooh yeah #

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