Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(OMINOUS BEAT AS SIREN WAILS)

(CONTINUES)

I can't believe we're back here...

(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF)

It's like a nightmare!

I can't do it... I've NOT got this at all!

Oh, mate...

We've gotta get in!

I'm in! I'm in! I'm in as much as I wanna be!

# But still give me somethin' like they printin' off they faces

# Brah, I slip for the game but I still gotta go

# Makin' me everything but I'm still on the dole

# Give me my time, still with the flow, still gotta rap, still let it go! #

Come on, Rom, you've gotta do it!

(SLAMS AND SLOWS)

(SIRENS CONTINUE IN DISTANCE)

(RISES AND SNAPS)

(SLAMS)

(FADES)

(TRAFFIC FLOWING)

(ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC)

I am VERY excited, Rob!

We are doing arguably my first love!

Hip-hop!

Yeah, because we've done stuff in the past,

boxing, UFC, stuff I'm into...

I think we've done SO much stuff you're into...

Yeah?

..I'm starting to think it might not be Rob & Romesh Vs!

I've started to think I am your sidekick!

(LAUGHS)

No, but I would say, though, in a double act there's always one will be the sidekick

and it shapeshifts, so, like...

Ant & Dec had a bit of a moment when Dec was the main guy

then Ant was his sidekick, know what I mean?

So, it all switches in and out!

So, what you sayin'? Horne & Corden!

Are you saying I'm the Horne to your Corden?

Know what, I'm happy with either!

As long as I'm still on the telly, I'll do what you want! No, I know that!

Don't need to announce that aloud! They know that!

I'd go in the jungle! Of course you would!

Shit off a shovel!

I'll do it all! Dancing on Ice!

Shit On A Shovel, you'd go on!

Got to wipe shit off a shovel? How many days filming? How much?

"I'm Rob Beckett and this is Shit Off A Shovel!"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

"Welcome to Shit Off A Shovel!"

Anyway, hip-hop!

(BEAT KICKS IN) So, we're gonna have to rap!

I assume there will be some rapping but that's not all that hip-hop is!

Oh, God, have I done a white mistake?

No, no, not a white mistake, no!

(BOTH LAUGHING) No!

Oh, God, have I done a white man clanger?

"I'm Rob Beckett and this is White Mistake!" (GUFFAWS)

(BEAT THUDDING)

So, what made you fall in love with hip-hop?

Um, somebody left a Public Enemy album,

It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.

Right.

And it was one of those things,

you know when you, uh...

You first listen to music and go, "I don't even know what this is!

It's like nothing I've ever heard before!"

And then you just loved it! Yeah!

You've got loads of tattoos as well so what you got there, the big one?

I decided to get my heroes.

I've got Wu-Tang there... (SINGING GENTLY)

And Public Enemy here and then I've got Biggie here.

Have you met any of the ones on your arm, the heroes?

'Cause they might think you're a bit odd! I think that's possible!

A bit like, "Oh, this could be a bit Baby Reindeer here with him!"

Know what it is, I feel quite embarrassed showing all it.

It's, like, sad. It's like showing your little hobby.

I feel like I'm showing my train set I've got at home!

I LOVE how much you love it!

Also takes pressure off me, you've not stopped talking, it's WONDERFUL!

No wonder you like working with me! Fuck me, I put a shift in, normally!

(BEAT FLOWS)

So, when you were younger,

you did rappin', didn't ya?

Yeah... Come on, then!

(BEATBOXES)

Is that a beat? Is that a beat...!

(LAUGHS)

(CONTINUES)

I don't know what I'm doing!

Tell me a beat, I'll do the beat! Clearing your throat!

Like a...

(SLOW BEATBOXING)

(PICKS UP)

(FLAILING) Hurry up, then!

No, sorry, I can't!

I'm just waiting for you to actually be in the same bpm for more than, like, two bars!

Oh, sorry, bpm is the bpm!

Just one of the problems is...

(OVERLAPPING) Oh, bpm!

You fuckin' rat!

I'm only trying to ride a beat... Oh, yeah!

Jump on and give it a good old ride, mate!

OK, go on, then, go!

(CONTINUES)

# I bring the butter, you know this ain't margarine

# Quick to clean up this thing like my name is MC Windolene

# I'm in your fears, lyric-flicking on banisters... #

I can't do the rest, that's it! I did it wrong, anyway!

I don't know if it was two tut-tuts or two pew-pews!

Weren't bad, though! Yeah!

So, where we going to find out about hip-hop, then,

Mr Hip-Hop?

Well, hip-hop originated...

Was born in New York.

So, that's EXACTLY where we were headed!

(BEAT HANGS IN AIR)

(DROPS)

New York has produced some of the greatest rappers of all-time,

from Jay-Z to Biggie to Nas...

The list goes on and on!

(FLICKING)

To ease Rob in gently

I was taking him to Union Square for his first proper taste of the New York rap scene!

Mate, I'm buzzing! Here we go, Bobby, New York!

It's good, innit? I know you're excited! I'm overexcited!

I love New York!

What are you most excited about in New York?

Oh, I just get here and I just feel like...

We could do anything! OK!

Could be the president! (BEAT STOPS)

Well, neither of us could 'cause we weren't born in the States! Apart from that!

Yeah, um, anyway...

Pretty much anything! (LAUGHS)

Union Square. Yeah.

Very traditional old-school kind of hip-hop place for, uh, cyphers.

What's a cypher?

Where a load of rappers get together,

sort of show off their skills.

(BEAT BOUNCES)

Union Square Cypher is a weekly showcase,

some of New York's finest MCs steppin' up

in an open mic-style event where ANYONE can get involved.

Cyphers have been a proving ground in hip-hop for decades

and some of the best have stepped up from Busta Rhymes to Eminem

but what I wanted to know was if Rom would get stuck in!

Deep down, he wants to be a rapper, OK?

Most comedians want to be something else other than comedians,

mainly happy...!

As much as I love him,

he's still a 47-year-old from Crawley...

And that is gonna hit hard in a hip-hop park!

(BEAT SWAYING)

We'd arrived just as things were warming up for the evening.

# I guess it's time for me to step into the cypher

# Any time I'm on the mic the people get hyped!

# Love the energy, all the femininity... #

# I'm in a soul-like dub, can't you tell?

# They say the world is yours for the takin' if I sell

# Create like cartel

# Designed for fiends

# Sold a shirt, bet it all sell! #

I was still a cypher newbie

but as the night went on even I could see the level was goin' up!

# I'm thinkin', I'm buggin', get me all in this game...

Yo! Yo! Yo!

But now there was real competition to get involved...

Check! And that wasn't easy!

# I've gotta get in my pain

# Give me everything, look at me, I'm over these ratings

Yo! # I pass it to bro in the red

# He gonna flip in this ring!

# They pocket watch like they got a fob

# I got a Czech like I'm out in Prague

# Mean business about our job! #

Big fan of the cypher, really talented, they are,

and they're just doing it in a park for free!

I've paid good money to sit through some absolutely SHITE at the theatre!

Never my choice, Lou makes me go

but I reckon I've done hundred quid on dog shit!

That was great and it was NOTHING!

Just shows you, open your eyes...

There's a lot of good entertainment out there! (LAUGHS)

(BEAT SWAYING)

It's amazing, isn't it? Oh, mate, I LOVE cyphers!

Yeah, good, ain't they? So much fun! It's good!

When I was in that circle... Yeah?

I at one point was like...

I'm getting into this, I'm enjoying this!

I weren't gonna but I wasn't...

I was probably three pints away from actually rapping! Yeah!

Were you tempted to throw your hat in the ring? No! No!

Just see what happened? No!

Could have been your moment! Also absolutely humiliating!

# Come on! #

On the face of it, that would be a dream come true

for somebody like me.

You know, my dream was to be a rapper...

What I've discovered is that because I like hip-hop so much

I'm more embarrassed to be shit at it!

Rom was wobblin'

and if he was going to live out his hip-hop fantasy we needed reinforcements!

Who do you reckon's the best out of that lot, then?

The guy in the red jacket, the guy in the white jacket...

I think they're pros that have turned up to a five-a-side. Yeah.

Just beat the shit out everyone, know what I mean?

What I was gonna say was...

I'm a sucker for a guy with grills! Right!

So, I like that guy too!

I just like anyone that's got sort of more prominent teeth than me!

We can get some if you want! They've gotta go over these?

I mean, for you, it'd be A LOT of gold!

Do they do 'em for horses? (LAUGHS)

Turned out the guy in the red jacket was CJ Fly,

one of Brooklyn's finest

and a founding member of Pro Era,

the hip-hop collective that launched Joey Badass.

His freestyles have pulled in millions of views

and his music videos go just as hard.

# I'm just stuck in my ways and I don't ever plan on changin'

# Kept a burner close to fire

# If they caught me while I'm blazin' #

CJ knows the New York rap game inside out

so we grabbed him for a quick chat.

What I felt was stressful in that was, like, waiting for your moment to come in

then the pressure on to get your lines out!

It's like Double Dutch, you gotta... Yeah!

How do you freestyle?

Is there a system you do it with or is it just completely...?

Um, you know, there's multiple ways,

you can just think of a random word and build off of that.

Like, your name is? Rob.

And...

I need a new job!

Right!

And I love to eat corn on the... Cob!

And if I open the door you know I got a...

Knob!

Or a... Doorknob!

Fob! Fob!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, so, you got it, it's that simple!

If you take your time like that they won't be like, "Hurry up!"

They're gonna let you gets yours off! I'd have to practise at home first!

We can practise right now, I'll give it a little sample!

No, I can't!

My arsehole's gone like that, I can't!

Feel sick just thinking about it!

Rom had bottled the cypher but CJ had another idea to help him unlock his inner MC...

If you're up for it you guys can come to the studio,

I got a song I think you guys would kill!

You're saying you want us to get on a song? Yeah!

Rap on a... Rap on one of your songs?

OK!

Why not? You scared? Yeah, we're here now!

# Scared money don't make no money! #

Come on! Come on, baby!

Come on!

You gotta get it! OK, fine, fine!

He loves makin' money!

Bada bing, bada boom!

Know what I mean? Just like that! You're locked in! Welcome to Death Row!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Thank you so much, man!

I'mma holla at y'all,

I'm gonna go do what we do in New York City, y'all be safe here!

See ya in the studio! See ya! Holla!

Holla! For sure, for sure!

Do I say holla back? Holla! Yeah, peace...

Think I'm getting too into it, actually!

I said holla and peace, I did that!

Yeah...

Fuck!

But he's so...

After a while you get into it, like...

I did a really good handshake at the end as well,

I've been very formal but that was very hip-hop!

Are you saying all this out loud? Watch what I did, I did this...

Like that and then a bit of that!

I watched Fresh Prince as well!

Oh, it's like that, is it? I gotta write a rap!

Just start... Do an opening line!

OK...

(BEAT STOPS)

Oh, God!

Are you doing it? Did it in my head, it was horrible!

It's SO hard, isn't it!

# Check the melody, the bad boy remedy

# Bobby B comin' at ya and it's musical therapy

# I spit bars, I spit mic, I'll spit on your dick...

# Your name ain't Mick but I'll lick your prick! #

Oh, my God! Did you just make that up?!

(LAUGHING) Yes!

Do you think I wrote that and been sittin' on it?!

I just said Mick, dick, lick, prick!

(GASPS)

My father-in-law's called Mick!

That's what was in there!

I'm gonna lick my father-in-law's dick!

No, spit on it is what you said! That's why I don't free...

Spit on my father-in-law's dick and lick it, Mick!

That's what's in my head, why I don't freestyle!

That would have got attention in the cypher, though! God... Fuck!

(BEAT SWAYING)

Won't be able to look at him again next time I see Mick!

We're at Center Parcs, he slips his shorts on...

(CONTINUES AND FADES)

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

# THE SUGARHILL GANG: Rapper's Delight #

Rom and I are in the Big Apple to immerse ourselves in the world of hip-hop!

# Step into the cypher... #

After watching New York's finest battle it out at the cypher,

rapper CJ Fly had given us our big break!

You're saying you want us to get on a song?

Yeah!

So, rap on one of your songs? OK! Why not?

But before we started writing any lyrics

I had to get something off my chest.

Last night was pretty amazing, wasn't it?

It was good! It was great!

I do have some regrets.

Can I... Can I guess? I know what you're gonna say! Go on!

Your little, uh...

Little what?

The little thing inside you! What?

Little bit not confident last night but on reflection you've gone...

"I could have been good at that!" No, I don't think...

"I could have done a cypher in Union Square!"

You don't DO a cypher... Perform in a cypher!

Just get involved! Yeah!

And you're regrettin' not doin' it? Yeah! I am!

I wanted you to do it but I didn't want to push,

I should have pushed you farther, I should have pushed you harder!

Further? Don't know!

I should have pushed ya! Should have made ya do it!

I've never heard you say the word farther before!

Neither have I, didn't know I had it in me!

Anyway, CJ sent us this beat for this track.

Would you like to hear it? For the...

This isn't cypher? No!

This is...

Overwhelmed by the hip-hop!

This is the song we've got to rap to, you ready?

This is Cypher's song he's written we're gonna rap on?

I don't know who you think Cypher is, his name's CJ! CJ, sorry!

God, it is A LOT to take in! You can't...

You don't use the word cypher for everything!

You're using it EVERYWHERE!

With hip-hop, closer I get the farther I feel! Nice!

Thanks! Nice...

Hit the beat!

(TINNY BEAT PLAYS)

What'd you think? Oh, I'm panickin' already!

I'm gonna be rapping on that? Yeah!

What I'd encourage you to do now, just do some, like, noise

as if you're about to start rapping, try that!

Uh, uh...

Yeah!

Check, check, yo, yo... Here we go!

Rob & Rom! Uh! Uh!

Yeah!

That'd be enough, wouldn't it? Keep going!

Wait...

# Sippin' back, lickin' Jack... # (STAMMERS)

Lickin' Jack?! Lickin' Jack...!

Lickin' Jack?!

I tried to say sippin'! Like Jack Daniels!

He's spittin' on someone's dick or lickin' his stepdad's gooch!

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Why is it always me licking and touchin' dicks?

That's something you talked about with your therapist!

That's not for me to de-CYPHER! Yeah!

# ERIC B & RAKIM: Don't Sweat the Technique

# Don't sweat the technique! #

Clearly, one of us needed a lot of help...

Rob doesn't really have an understanding of hip-hop

and so what I'm hoping is he sort of becomes inspired

through a tour

in the home of the genre I love so much.

I'd sorted a hip-hop history bus tour of New York

courtesy of rap legend Mike C!

Fellas! Hey, man!

Fellas! Nice to meet you guys!

(SWOOSHES)

Mike's a founding member of The Fearless Four,

the first ever hip-hop group to sign to a major label in 1983.

Mike was around when it all started.

What I'm hoping is Rob walks out of this

feeling a bit more hip-hop about the whole thing

and then he can start writing his verse.

But the problem I've got is when Rob raps he wants to suck off his father-in-law...

# THE SUGARHILL GANG: Apache #

Our first stop was 1520 Sedgwick Avenue.

It looked like any other street to me

but it turns out it changed music forever!

Come on, guys...

I'm gonna tell y'all the whole story

on how hip-hop began, right...

Now, on August 11th 1973,

there was a young girl named Cindy.

Cindy wanted to throw a going back to school party

so she went to her brother, who was a well known DJ in the Bronx.

His name was DJ Kool Herc.

Now, what was at the party was the VIBE...

The vibe was crazy

because you got DJing, MCing,

breaking AND graffiti...

All this was at the party at one time!

And that night, hip-hop was born!

Guys, you are standin' on holy ground!

This is where hip-hop actually began!

So, Mike wanted to mark the occasion with a surprise...

I want you guys to put this stuff on

because I want you to FEEL how hip-hop actually dressed back in the day!

OK!

Put that on!

# To rock a rhyme that's right on time

# It's tricky!

# It's tricky, tricky, tricky... That looks good!

All right?

Let me see...

There you go!

# It's tricky! #

Here, put that on!

Oh, thanks, man!

You gotta have the hat! Gotta have the hat!

Yeah, just like that!

I think what this tour is really good for

is increasing your understanding of the origins of hip-hop

while burning off any dignity that you might have knocking around you wanted to get rid of!

It's like somebody's gone...

"I'm gonna take you to meet all of your favourite footballers,

gonna have a tour of the ground, see all the trophies, meet the manager,

gonna have all of these incredible experiences

BUT you have to have a rubber cock tied to your forehead!"

All right, give yourselves a round of applause, lookin' good!

This is what hip-hop looked like back in the day!

(SIREN CHIRPS)

There you go, that's the fashion police! (CONTINUES)

(BEAT SWAYING)

We were soakin' up the history

but Mike wasn't just there to reminisce,

he knew how to put lyrics together,

which was EXACTLY the help we needed!

So, basically...

We've been given a challenge to write our own verse

to lay down on a track.

OK!

So, do you have any tips for how to put together a good rap verse?

You dig deep inside and you just find the words

and once you find the words which you're trying to say

now you wanna find words that MEAN the same way that rhyme!

So, find your truth then find rhymes for it?

And find a rhyme!

Rob's been tryin' to do a bit of freestyling. Yeah.

The problem is, when he freestyles and he channels himself

it starts to become quite sexual...

Know what I mean?

I get it, I get it...

I get it!

I just think, like, dick rhymes with so much stuff!

It does... IT DOES! Yeah!

Think about it!

And lick! Lick, slick...

Rick, pick, wick!

Nick! Yeah!

Mick!

It's millions of words that rhymes with dick!

It's kind of a cheat word!

Yeah... Oh!

There's a million words that rhyme with cat, hat...

We don't really use those words because there's so many words that rhyme with 'em!

You know, why rhyme with that?

Maybe I should use penis instead? Penis is a better word to rhyme with!

Because you got... You got Venus...

Yeah!

So, you want your penis to be the CLEANEST!

Absolutely!

# I want my penis to be the cleanest and trust me I really mean this! # You mean this!

Three grown men sittin' on the bus talkin' about rhyming with penis!

I love Mike!

SO much charisma, SO much personality!

He's... He's got the lot!

# Bam, bam, bam, bam! #

He's like the hip-hop Bradley Walsh!

Mike was an inspiring guy

and he had one last stop that might reignite Rom after his cypher meltdown.

This story right here I'm gonna give y'all,

the story of the battle

between Kool Moe Dee and Chief Rocker Busy Bee Starski!

The battle happened in 1981

between MC Busy Bee...

# I said kick off your shoes and relax your socks

# 'Cause Busy Bee's here and I'm ready to rock! #

..and Kool Moe Dee!

# Hold on, Busy Bee, I don't mean to be bold

# But put that bullshit on hold

# We gonna get right down to the nitty-gritty

# Gonna tell you a little somethin'... #

Mike was taking us to Harlem

to recreate Kool Moe Dee's legendary battle verse

right where it happened.

The only problem was that meant getting off the bus...

OK, guys, let's go this way.

I can't believe you've got us out here wearing this, man!

Y'all look nice, I don't understand what the problem is!

You guys look really good!

No, no...

Nobody sayin' nothin', right, 'cause you guys look hip-hop!

Everybody likes that!

This is an absolute muggin'! No! No, it's a good look!

Let's stop right here! Let's stop right here!

Please, most people comin' out here, it's perfect! Let people get out!

You know the government website, tells you where's safe to visit?

"Russia, Ukraine, swerve it for a bit.

Don't travel 'cause there's a war."

One of 'em would be

"If you're Rob Beckett dressed in a Run-DMC outfit don't stand in Harlem alone!"

It wasn't like that till Kool Moe Dee gave Busy Bee that sucker punch

and I say SUCKER PUNCH because Busy did not know it was comin'!

We were right outside the former nightclub where the battle happened

and Mike was ready to give us a taste of Kool Moe Dee's bars.

# Not even the best and you can't win, no real MC contest...

# Celebrity Clubs and bullshit like those

# Those the kind of ones that everybody knows...

I was enjoying Mike's rendition

but it's hard to focus when half of Harlem's staring at you.

# You know you lose

# Between me and you, who do you think they'll choose?

I think this might be a tour

for the residents of the New York area

where Mike says if you pay me $5 I'll bring two twats through the area

and just walk them around!

# 'Cause you're fakin' the funk and at the end of this rhyme you can call me Uncle Moe Dee!

# Rocks out the house! #

(BOTH LAUGH)

Mate, that's amazing!

That was so good!

The crowd went bananas! Yeah!

So, that's the story of Kool Moe Dee and Busy Bee right here!

That's a great story!

Right? OK? OK? Amazing!

All right?

(SLOW BEAT BOPPING)

I've had a great time.

I love Mike C, he gave us some amazing stories.

What I learnt from it is it's about heart

and just what YOU want to be doing!

I had a great time with you guys

and also I want you to keep in mind

never stop rockin' and never stop dreamin', all right?

Yes, Mike!

What a tour! Thank you so much! Thanks, Mike!

(CONTINUES AND FADES)

(CONTINUES AND FADES)

# THE GAME FEAT 50 CENT: Westside Story #

We're in New York trying to live out Rom's hip-hop dream

but things weren't going to plan.

Little bit not confident last night! I know what you're gonna say... Go on!

You could have done a cypher and you're regretting not doing it! Yeah! I am!

And so, after bailing on the cypher

we'd been roped into recording verses

with New York hip-hop star CJ Fly!

# Scared money don't make no money! #

Come on! Come on, baby!

(LAUGHING)

And now with only a day before hitting the studio

we needed inspiration

so we're off to meet a living hip-hop legend

and one of Rom's biggest heroes...

Wu-Tang Clan's Raekwon.

(BEAT ENDS)

This is, um, big for you, yeah?

It's... Yeah! I'm a bit worried about it!

You look nervous!

It's just...

I love Wu-Tang so much!

# Hey, yo, that's amazin'

# In your mouth talk, verbal foul-off

Raekwon is one of the godfathers of modern rap.

Not only was he a founding member of the legendary Wu-Tang Clan,

his first solo album Only Built 4 Cuban Linx...

is regarded as one of the greatest hip-hop albums of all-time.

# Mediterranean! #

Raekwon... Yeah?

He's like a hero? Yeah, he's one of the greatest rappers of all-time!

You've literally got Wu-Tang tattooed!

Now, are you gonna hide the tattoo? Yes!

Are you gonna lead? I'm not gonna lead with the tattoo!

I'm wearing a jacket, it's unseasonably warm...

I was gonna say that, it's very hot and you've got a jacket on!

Where's the tattoo? Wrist? It's... It's quite close...

Oh, that's... Oh!

So, like, as we walk in...

But I think... Go, shake his hand!

Go to shake Raekwon's hand!

No, with your right hand!

Go do it!

No... Don't do that!

Just... I'm gonna do that!

'Cause I think sometimes it's better to get stuff out in the open!

What I'm trying to say is I think he'll appreciate your adoration!

OK!

So, if you go in and go, "Can I just say...

Love you..."

No, that's CERTAINLY not gonna be the first thing I say!

Paraphrasing, but go in and go, like,

"This is a real honour and privilege for me!"

"Huge fan of yours!" I might say that! "Got a tattoo!"

Actually, don't show the tattoo! I'm not!

But can I just say, the other thing is...

I'm gonna tell him you've got a tattoo!

In your mind's eye... Please do not...

You're saying it like a THREAT! OK, I won't!

But you will, won't you? Yeah!

Almost immediately!

(CHORTLING)

(BEAT FLOWING)

(HUSHED) I... I don't want to show the tattoo!

OK? It's...

Let's be honest, it's SAD!

But if Rob DOES bring it into play

I'm quite calm about it because I've got a counter-measure!

# Please excuse me, allow... #

Hello, mate, you all right? (LAUGHS)

Rob! Nice to meet ya! You OK? Woo, Rob, what up?

Raekwon!

(LAUGHING) Hello, good to meet you, man!

It's like... It's an honour! Romesh!

Thank you, man! Wow!

This is a surprise, man!

Talk to me, man! Yeah, well...

What y'all doin' here, man?

Basically, I'm a massive hip-hop fan.

All right...

Obviously, you're one of the best to ever do it. Thank you. Yeah. Respect.

And...

Your sleeve's riding up, by the way. Oh, yeah, thanks.

OK, I'm just gonna show...

Just gonna get this out the way! He's got a tattoo! Oh, shit, I didn't even see that!

That's real, right?! Yeah, that's real, yeah! Oh, shit!

So, this is a big moment for this little guy!

Yeah...

I'm just gonna get this out the way! Talk to me!

Wu-Tang have been such a big part of my life, man,

and I just...

When, like, 36 Chambers came out it was...

You know, I know you've heard this loads

but, like, it changed hip-hop, man!

And hip-hop's been different ever since

and you're one of the greatest to ever do it

so I'm a bit nervous about how much of a...

Nah, man, come on, man!

Come on, man, we all one, man, we all one, man!

And I wanna say thank you for all that love.

You know, you been there.

All I can say is that we are all brothers from a different mother

when it comes to this music thing, you know what I mean?

So, yeah, let's get down to business on that!

Well, we've been asked by CJ Fly to basically spit a verse on one of his tunes.

Whoa... Cool.

Rob's never really rapped before at all.

Both y'all smashin' the verse thing? Both doin' a verse each!

Ohhh! Goddamn!

It's a big ask, innit? That's big!

But we gonna teach you about hip-hop

and the first thing I wanna tell you is hip-hop is about expression.

This is poetry, still,

so once you start thinkin' like a poet

you start paintin' pictures in your mind

of what you may wanna say...

You know, and everything starts from freestylin',

havin' fun.

Matchin' with the vibe of the music.

Hip-hop is like rock, man!

Sex, drugs and rock and roll, man!

Let me ask you a question, you on drugs?

Not yet, but you got some? (ALL LAUGHING)

You're on drugs?!

No drugs! No, I'm not on drugs! All right, good!

But if it does make my rap better, I am willing to try!

Well, see, that's the whole thing, I think you should try!

Nah, I'm only fuckin' with you!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(BEAT SWAYING)

This masterclass from Raekwon was exactly what we needed

but I knew Rob had started writing already

so it was time for payback...

You've got somethin', haven't you? What's that?

Have you got any... Couple of lines? That's what I'm sayin'!

He's startin' already before we even heard... Well, no, I have actually...

OK, go on! Ohhh!

(OVERLAPPING) Yeah, should we...

I believe him!

Yeah, yeah! Oh, OK!

I believe this little buck,

he's like, "We looked at it real quick...

I really got my shit together!"

Well, no...

'Cause it's all new to me I didn't wanna turn up with nothin'!

That's a good attitude, that's a good start!

Oh, I feel really nerv...

I feel REALLY immediately nervous!

Look, if it makes you feel... (LAUGHING)

Wow, I'd say from nought to nervous that's the QUICKEST I've ever...

If it takes any pressure off, one of the best to ever do it!

No, that ADDS pressure! OK!

Adds pressure, mate, that's true!

OK, let me have a... Yeah...

Pressure makes diamonds, though, kid!

Right, OK... About to rap in front of Raekwon!

OK, right...

You're all over the shop now, just chill!

OK, I'm just gonna concentrate, it's not about being funny now...

It's about...

Yeah, go for it. OK. Right.

I like that. I like that.

Go on. Here we go...

Right, OK...

Everyone's about to laugh! See? See?

He's really followin' the fuckin' rulebooks to fuck it up!

Yeah! I am, ain't I?

He's there with it!

I love it! I love it!

It's part of the process! OK...

# Nice to meet ya, I'm a be lucky son diamond geezer

# I'm one of those old-school grafters

# Too busy giggin' to make it to the afters

# Tell jokes, make notes, tax gets paid

# Told as a kid I'd never make the grade

# From 20 in the crowd at Ranga's boozers

# But me and this boy ain't no losers

# We got the world laughing like hyenas

# Playin' to sold-out arenas

# Mad what we've managed to achieve

# Shout-out to the lads that didn't believe! #

Ohhh, what the fuck is goin' on?! This ain't the guy I know!

Nah, you gotta leave the room! This is not the same fucker!

This guy, he KNOW his shit, man!

Please sit there, man!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Was that OK?

That's fuckin' AMAZIN', man!

You got LINES, man! That was good, man!

That was really good! That was HORRIBLE!

If you'd have said to me you are going to now lay down a verse on a hip-hop track

and one of you has had an endorsement from one of the greatest rappers of all-time...

My guess would NOT be Rob Beckett out of the two of us

and that's if you gave me five guesses!

Now I'm 100% confident that he can do it!

I gotta hear this fuckin' beat when y'all finish it!

Thanks so much, you've been amazing! Thank you so much!

Y'all got it! What an honour, man!

Ninety percent of me is happy for Rob

but 10% of me is really pissed off!

# Yeah... #

And he didn't even look that impressed with the tattoo!

(BEAT THUDDING)

I was feeling ready for the studio after getting Raekwon's seal of approval.

There was only one thing missing...

He looks cool as well, don't he? Yeah!

He's got, um, silver teeth! They're grills!

We can get some if you want!

And now CJ had arranged for us to get some grills of our own...

So, we'd sent him some moulds

and headed to Manhattan's diamond district

to pick up the finished product!

I'm quite excited about this, actually,

'cause CJ's looked quite cool!

Know what I mean, I feel like... I don't want to...

I've gotta have a look and 'cause I've got big teeth, anyway,

if I've got these in I think it'll look quality

and it's an easy thing to have

that just goes, "Oh, he's the guy with the gold teeth!"

Hello! Romesh! You all right? What's up, how are you?

Gold Teeth USA has designed grills for rap legends and rising stars

and now it was OUR turn!

We have your order here! Oh, wicked! Great!

Rob, you're the guy with some big-ass teeth, man! Correct!

Uh, yeah, they're quite large...

Oh, my God! They're the size of my finger, man!

Are they bigger than normal for you, then?

A little bit!

Do you have any gold left? What's this!

We had to use everything, honestly!

Listen, nobody's EVER looked at Rob's teeth,

and I include his wife in this, I include his mum,

NOBODY has looked at his teeth and thought they could do with a bit of extra dimension!

"I'd love those to be a bit wider and thicker!"

Are they quite weighty because they're so big? Yeah!

It's like me getting an eyelid droopier,

getting a set of curtains just for this one!

It makes no sense!

All right, so, this is Mr Robert...

Yeah.

All right, now, this will be a little bit snug!

OK...

There you go! (GENTLE LAUGH)

(WHIMPERS)

Open up...

Ah... Ah!

(MUMBLING IN PAIN) I don't like it!

Ah!

(LAUGHTER)

They look great!

What do you think?

(MUFFLED) It feels awful! They're so metally!

(LAUGHTER)

(MUFFLED) They're so metally!

Know what the good thing is, though?

How can they rap with these in?! Is this how it works?!

You know what's good, it hasn't changed the way you talk!

(LISPY) Will this stop when the bottoms go in?

Are you putting that on? No! No!

No?!

You definitely are putting that on! No, it's slippy!

(INHALES) OK, get the other ones on!

(SLOW BEAT)

There you go!

(LAUGHTER AS BASS THUMPS)

It's funny for everyone else but this is...

This is... This is... (GUFFAWING)

They look really good on you, if that makes you feel better!

I can't wear these for the rap!

I sound like Louie Spence!

I'm like a whippet!

(LAUGHS)

I'm like a whippet!

(WHEEZY LAUGH)

(THUDDING CONTINUES)

What do you think? Yes, son!

(LAUGHTER)

Why didn't you get tops as well? I've got an implant thing waiting to come in there!

A bit nervous about it!

Oh, yeah, so, old silly bollocks straight in! (LAUGHS)

Gonna be honest with you, I've got the grill in, it went in fine.

Rob, on the other hand...

It is MENTAL!

Fucking hell!

They are SO big!

I think they genuinely thought based on the scans they got

that Donkey from Shrek was coming to get some teeth!

I don't think they have to use dental tools,

I reckon they had a big cauldron...

Just pouring it into a vat like they're making Thor's hammer!

It's SO much gold!

It's actually immoral...

(STIFLING LAUGHTER)

..how much gold has gone into Rob's head!

But getting the grills onto our teeth

was only half the challenge...

Now you gotta try to get 'em out!

OK... Starting to panic a little bit now!

No worries, my man!

Ah...

Oh, fuck!

It... I honestly think it's all gonna come out!

It just feels like it's ALL gonna come out!

It feels like I'm just gonna have nothing!

(ALL LAUGHING)

And I don't want that, that's half my career!

If I... If I don't have these teeth, I'll be DISGUSTING!

I'll look like a tunnel!

Oh, my God, you sprayed! Don't spray it, man!

Fuck...

Listen, I've known Rob for a long time.

That two minutes where he's having a panic attack about his grills

is better than ANY of his tours!

What's best, wiggle or pull?

It's the funniest thing he has EVER done in his life!

Fucking hell...!

Ah!

Are you OK? What do you think?!

Felt like an out-of-body experience.

When you pull 'em out it feels like all your teeth are coming out

and it's like they're being sucked out your head!

There you go!

You did it! Yeah...

OK, let's go, shall we go? Yeah!

Thanks, guys! Thanks, guys!

Cool, thank you, guys.

I can't walk around with these in!

I'd need one of them little armoured cars

with two geezers!

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

# Woo...

We're in New York

doing my favourite thing in the world, hip-hop...

# Shimmy, shimmy, ya, shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay! #

But it's fair to say it's not going to plan!

After a bumpy start at the cypher...

My arsehole's gone like that! I can't!

I feel sick just thinking about it!

..and Rob hijacking a meeting with one of my all-time rap heroes...

That's fuckin' AMAZIN', man!

You got LINES, man!

..now we were heading to our recording session with CJ Fly

and if I didn't step up this whole trip would be remembered for Rob's rapping

and his insane grills!

(FADES)

You all right, lads? Yes!

How about it? Yo, what's up?

You good? You made it!

CJ was in the studio with his engineer, Trees,

and first things first,

he wanted to show us the track so far.

# Just sold out all my work and now I got arrear

# I lost a spelling bee, the word was onomatopoeia

CJ made it look easy

but given how the last few days had gone

my confidence wasn't exactly flowing...

This is like a real deal!

Like, CJ said, "Come and lay some verses down on a track!"

You know, he's getting six or seven million views on some of his videos

and I think with me and Rob

this will get six or seven views!

(BEAT CONTINUES)

# I'm shittin' on the competition, watch 'em take a plunge

# Fly... #

So, this where y'all will come in right here! Right!

On this breakdown specially made for y'all!

Oh, God...

You guys ready?

No, not really... No, not really!

(LAUGHS)

(TENSE BEAT) Rob was first to debut his lyrics.

# Nice to meet ya, I'm a be lucky son diamond geezer #

CJ loved them.

Ohhh!

(EXHALES) OK?

I ain't gonna lie, I believed in you but it was WAY better than I expected!

It's getting it to time and hitting that beat is gonna be the challenge...

But now that Rob's verse had been signed off with flying colours,

the pressure on me had just been cranked up even more!

(BEAT STOPS)

(TRACK RESUMES)

Here we go, I got you, I'm gonna count you in, all right?

It's like one, two, three, go!

# Rappin' was the dream, comedy was the backup plan

# It took 30 years and Rob Beckett for me to try again

# Romesh is the answer if who's good is the question

# I sometimes drink turmeric to aid my digestion!

Oh! Woo!

# I'm in my forties, I still don't have the answers

# Still don't know if I have skills, if I'm a chancer

Whoa!

# And so I try to let bygones by

# I speak no lies and be more CJ Fly! #

Ah! Ohhh!

You smashed that, that was SO good!

That was hard! That was hard!

That was HARD!

That was super-hard! I'm fuckin' with it!

Yeah?! Come on! I'm fuckin' with it!

I'm fuckin' with it!

Really? That was amazing!

Oh, shit, man, I'm buzzin'!

Thank you, man! I'm blown away!

Really? Real talk! Real talk!

With both our lyrics signed off by CJ,

Rom was first into the booth.

He's gonna smash this, I can sense it. Absolutely.

# Rappin' was the dream, comedy was the...

Romesh was unbelievable.

Like, he went in there, it was just EFFORTLESS!

# For me to try again

# Romesh is the answer... He should do that more!

This could just be a thing he does, just a rapper!

# I speak no lies and be more CJ Fly! #

One! Woo!

One take, was it one take? One take!

What! How was that?

(TENSE BEAT RETURNS)

I'd smashed it first time!

Finally something had gone right this week!

Now Rob had to follow it...

(TRACK RESUMES)

# Nice to meet ya, I'm a be lucky son diamond geezer

One second, one second!

You're comin' in too quick! OK!

It goes... (VOCALISING)

And then you come in AFTER that! OK!

Try again, you got this!

(PLAYING)

# Nice to meet ya...

Whoa, no, no!

# I'm a be lucky son...

Too early, too early, you got this, take your time!

# Nice... Oh!

It's all right!

He's fucked...

(LAUGHTER)

Rob's one of the few people on the planet

and I'd say he's almost unique in this, he doesn't understand music!

# Rhymes so...

I am LITERALLY guessing!

I'm not exaggerating,

it took us 45 minutes to get him to record three words!

# Nice to meet ya...

OK, he's got nice to meet ya now...

Should we do it three words at a time? (LAUGHING)

It's basically if this was hospital, you were doctors,

you'd switch the machine off!

(SNORTING AND LAUGHING)

Let's face it!

A couple of hours of musical torture later...

# Nice to meet ya, I'm a be lucky son diamond geezer

Rushin', he's rushin'!

# Rhymes so tight you're gonna need a tweezer #

OK!

Rob was FINALLY done!

Cheers, guys! Thanks! Good shit!

Sorry it was painful! Good shit!

All right, you guys, we got some good shit here.

We're gonna sauce it up

and hopefully it sounds good enough to show the world, so great job!

Our mission to record a verse with CJ Fly had been a success.

Rom's confidence was back

and CJ reckoned it was time for redemption.

We went to the cypher but you guys were too nervous to spit bars

but I think after this session you guys could definitely do that shit, what you think?

Do a cypher?

I don't know if YOU should, per se...

This is more of a Romesh thing?

Yeah, I think Rom would shine right now!

I don't wanna tread on your toes, know what I mean?

If...

If CJ thinks that you should do it and not me

then I think that's probably a good decision all-round!

I believe in you, actually! Well done!

No, I know what you're doing! What?

I think it's great! He's being a good supportive friend!

I think you got it, you're ready! OK! Right!

OK!

(OMINOUS BEAT AS SIREN WAILS)

CJ was backing me to rap at the Union Square cypher...

It's like a fucking nightmare!

Oh, mate...

..but rapping in a booth and freestyling in front of a crowd

were VERY different things!

I've NOT got this at all!

We've gotta get in!

I'm in as much as I wanna be!

The cypher was in full swing.

MCs kept jumping in but Rom was stuck to the spot.

# But still give me somethin' like they printin' off they faces

# Brah, I slip for the game but I still gotta go

# Makin' me everything but I'm still on the dole

# Give me my time but it's still with the flow, still gotta rap, still let it go! #

(GENTLE BEAT)

Twenty minutes in and Rom was still silent.

Do you want me to get their attention and go..

"You don't know where I'm from but I'm here with my man, Rom!"

Oh, you could do that... Uh... Yeah.

(RAPPING CONTINUES) Have you got the guts to do that?

Well, something's gotta happen, innit?

Yeah, yo...

Oh, I just went, nearly, then!

(RAPPING CONTINUES)

# Better be ready for it

# Shooters like daddysaurus! #

(ALL WHOOPING)

# Check, check, check, check...!

# You don't know where I'm from but I'm with my man, Rom!

(THUDS AND SLOWS)

Rob had delivered...

Now all eyes were on me.

(BUILDING)

# What you mean, it's Ranga, top Gunner

# Declan Rice with the spice come to run another number

# I don't know what that means

# I mean, this ain't a battle rap

# I chiselled with a sword like I was riding battle cam Go!

# I'm really good at rappin', abandon the others

# If rappin' was a bed then I would be the covers!

Ohhh!

# If rappin' was cookin' then I would be your mother's

# If rappin' was getting suffocated I'd be getting smothered

# Fuck you up, fuck you down, I'll fuck you diagonal

# If rappin' ain't sides, I would be diagonal

# If rappin' was anime, I would be Dragon Ball

# If rappin' was school dinners, I would be spagga bol!

Ohhh!

# Get in close and listen to me

# Hip-hop, it started in... # 1973!

# Your hardcore party sister # Cindy!

# We learned that on a bus tour with...

# Mike C! #

We out! Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yeah! Feel that applause, y'all!

Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop!

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

I'd done it!

It wasn't 8 Mile but the crowd were into it!

# And basically you know we rhyme with the best

# And when I say I been chillin' with double law

# I don't mean rough riders, I say Rob and Romesh! #

(CHEERING)

# If you lovin' where you at say hell yeah!

ALL: Hell yeah!

# Go side to side

# If you lovin' the vibe say hell yeah! #

ALL: Hell yeah! (FADES)

(HORN TOOTS)

Yo! Mate, how good was he?

That was IMPRESSIVE!

Oh, my God, bro!

Mate, that was so frightening!

Bro, I didn't know you had that in you! I didn't either!

That is SO scary and you smashed that!

You got me in, he got me in, did you see that?

It was an out-of-body experience! "Yo, yo, check, check!"

But that's a proper friend, isn't it?

I had to get you in!

You had enough on your plate!

I can be the battering ram and he can come in and spit!

Word!

That was an amazing experience! I loved the tag team, everything! Thanks, man!

Great job!

Right, should we share my little surprise? Surprise?

Yeah! Come on! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Hang on... OK, go!

(BEAT SWAYING)

Ohhh!

And what? Yeah?!

Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Lookin' fly, man!

Still a bit slobbery!

Love you, man! Love you, bro!

Seriously, what a night! See y'all soon!

(SOFT BEAT)

We were walking away with CJ's seal of approval.

Rom was acting like it was nothing but I knew better...

# It's all good, baby, baby...

# It was all a dream! #

He faced the fear, spat his bars

and made it out the other side grinnin'!

Not as much as me, though...

Honestly, mate, that was amazing!

You... Your balls are like STEEL!

There's more metal in your balls than in my mouth at the moment

and if you put your balls in my mouth

it would feel all weird like when you have a filling with copper!

You're not freestyling now?

Mate, you getting me into that cypher

was one of the nicest things you've ever done!

If you hadn't done that we'd still be there tomorrow!

Yeah, part of me was like I've really gotta back me friend up

and he's a bit nervous, let's get him in

and part of me was like I would quite like to finish and go for a beer but...

So, I thought let's speed it up!

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(LAUGHING)

You look HORRIBLE!

I FEEL horrible!

You know what, I look how I feel...

DISGUSTING!

Honestly, my appreciation for hip-hop is through the roof!

Oh, God! It's getting wet again!

It's just horrible!

Right, give me a second... (SUCKS AND INHALES)

I've got an appreciation for hip-hop like no other!

OK!

I can't keep this up!

As I speak, it gets worse!

Yeah...

(SCOFFS)

Oh, fuck...

Oh...

(GASPS)

I've got an appreciation for hip-hop!

Great. I'm glad.

A real big one... Yeah.

It's like I'm freestyling again!

Right, thank you, mate!

Yeah, all right...

You smashed that, you should be proud!

Great, fade to black! Gonna go and sell these teeth!

Yeah!

You comin'? Oh, yeah!

# I'm comin', I'm runnin'... #

Oh, sorry!

Let's go! Oh, God...

Just felt like a freestyle there! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(BEAT PLAYING)

# I saw the future but I'm not'a see it

# Whole lot of money, yeah, I'm not gonna be here

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

# They probably think I sold my soul but I don't drive a KIA

# Rappin' was the dream, comedy was the backup plan

# It took 30 years and Rob Beckett for me to try again

# And so I try to let bygones by

# I speak no lies and be more CJ Fly!

One! Woo!

# Nice to meet ya, I'm a be lucky son diamond geezer

# Rhymes so tight you're gonna need a tweezer

# Emperor of this game but my name ain't Caesar! #

(BEAT CONTINUES)

Yo, Rob, Romesh, I heard the joint...

It was dope, a'ight!

It's your brother, the chef, I love y'all!

Keep practising your craft! Salute!

(CONTINUES)

(FADES)

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