Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

'Rob and I are back.'

It's a bit like you're my guide. (BOTH LAUGH)

'Throwing ourselves into the biggest challenges.'

Check, check, check.

'With the help of the world's best.'

Used to do that in The Office.

'Together we're going on a journey of discovery.'

No, no, no.

'To find out what we like.' Oh, wow, Rom, that's amazing.

'And what we don't.'

It just feels like it's all gonna come out.

'This week, we're heading to Mumbai.'

Whoa. Alright, relax, relax, relax.

'Home to one of the worlds biggest film industries, Bollywood.'

MAN: Action.

'We'll be getting help from some of its biggest stars.'

Have you ever seen anybody that looks like this in a Bollywood feature?

No.

'As we try to earn roles in a blockbuster Bollywood movie.'

# PANJABI MC: Snake Charmer #

So here we are, Rob, Mumbai.

(WHIMPERS) Wow. It's quite overwhelming, ain't it?

Oh, my God, they're so close.

Oh, they've crashed.

(GROANS) Alright, relax, relax, relax.

It's my first time in India, I'd say there's a lot to take in, Rom.

Yeah. It's an unusual decision to dress

as the empire. The way you've uh... you've done it.

It looks a bit like you're my guide.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You've been here before, any tips you'd give me to like blend in?

I've been here once.

Must be more than once. Why?

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

TV work. (CHUCKLES) Right. Why did you pause?

Also, Rom, I'm a bit worried. Yeah, go on.

I've had a um... a bit of an upset stomach...

Since you got here? No, before I got here.

Did you have like a warm-up curry before you came?

No, no, I actually had a cheese and pickle sandwich before I left.

Oh, do you know what?

Do you know, I could imagine how this went.

"Lou, going to India tomorrow, can you...

"can I have the whitest thing in the world."

I did, I went, "Fill me up with bread and dairy babe.

"I'm off to India." (LAUGHS)

Bollywood. Yeah.

Ideal scenario is, Rom, to complete this mission we get a part in

a Bollywood movie, that's got to be the aim, yeah?

Yeah. I know this sounds weird but I think you've got a better chance

of that than I have. Really?

Because you've got like a more of a unique look.

I do feel like this is the show I get cancelled on.

Yeah. Me attempting Bollywood.

The only thing I would say is... (SHARP THUD)

..like on TikTok which is banned over here...Yeah.

Every time you see, like, a white guy who turns up to an Indian wedding...

Yeah...and, like, nails the dance or whatever, it goes viral.

Yes, but that's- And that's-Yeah.Yeah.

I think if you manage to get over doing something cultural,

I think, I genuinely, I'm not just saying this...

Yeah...I think you can make... you could be a megastar over here.

I honestly believe that.

'Bollywood is one of the world's biggest film industries,

'famed for its big dance numbers

'and incredible action sequences.

'If we had any chance of making it here,

'we desperately needed some help.

'So we tracked down the perfect person to get us on our way.

'A Bollywood star who's gone on to break Hollywood. Ali Fazal.

'From his breakout comedy performance in Bollywood classic

'Fukrey to taking on full-throttle blockbuster action

'in Fast and Furious 7.'

42 mile per hour, top speed. (CHUCKLES)

And it's bullet proof.

'Ali's range made him the guy to help us on our mission.

'We were dropping in on him during a photoshoot

'to pick his brains on all things Bollywood.'

Hiya, Rob, nice to meet you. Hey, yes hi.

Hi, Romesh, how's it going? You alright? Look at this guy.

You look great. (LAUGHS)

Basically, we're trying to, one, find out about Bollywood

as a phenomenon and two, get a part in something.

Yeah. Yeah, genuinely, and the truth is...

have you ever seen anybody that looks like this in a Bollywood feature?

Like, come on. No.

What, what do you mean? It's unique. (LAUGHS)

Really?Yeah.I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I mean, no, anybody can become an actor, anybody can enter Bollywood.

It's...It's diverse.

So what's the main differences, you've done both, between Hollywood and Bollywood would you say?

Well I mean the economics, I think.

(LAUGHS)

Which ones better? Which one pays more?

Well, I mean, the English side.Yeah. Right.

Seriously, especially Bollywood sets, the ones with the songs,

500 dancers, it gets really crazy on a set right.

You've gotta be really, really like zen inside.

So, it's gonna be overwhelming and hectic,

so we've got to try and be as- It can be especially because

you're white, so you're gonna be a minority.Yeah.

But I do like attention. (LAUGHS)

You know, you should be in front of the camera and like step one

I think would be just get photos.

OK. And we take it from there.

'So Ali was gonna help us out and let us use his team

'to get a portfolio of head shots.

'Just like the biggest Bollywood stars, we were getting a look book

'for Ali to send to Mumbai's biggest casting agents.'

Part of becoming an actor in any industry is you've got to have

a portfolio done so you can go for castings and stuff like that.

Yeah, very nice.Yeah, yeah, yeah. We like a bit of that.

So good.

I genuinely am quite excited about bringing Rob Beckett to Bollywood.

If we can overcome Rob's inability to dance,

his complete inability to connect with any kind of music

and also teach him Hindi...

I genuinely think this guy could be massive.

'But it was clear that Rob had a long way to go.'

Wow. Are you real?

(LAUGHS) Whatdoes wow mean over here?

'Luckily for me, Ali had brought along Bollywood costume designer,

Rick Roy to help style us. This is Rick.

Hi.I think, I mean, we need a lot of help.

Yes.And maybe we can like spice things up.

Yes. So I think cop-verse is really, really big in Bollywood,

like, every actor who's trying to make it big,

they always do a cop film because that's all-OK. A cop film.

So cop-verse. I mean that's what I'm calling it.

Right OK.

'Cop-verse is one of Bollywood's biggest film franchises

and this was the first look Rick was about to try on us.

We have options of names, what are we all like kind of feeling it?

Anyone's that say Paul?

Uh...Rajeev Kumar Singh? Rajeev Kumar.

I think I'm more of a Rajeev. You could be Rajeev.

Rajeev Kumar Singh.I'm more of a Rajeev Kumar Singh, to me.

Do you get many sort of white cops from South East London

in the Indian Police Force? Um...Not really.No.No.

But I'm not, I'm an actor and I'm Rajeev Kumar Singh.

Yeah.One important part of the cop-verse

is to have a moustache only and no beard.OK.

Because cops don't have beard. Oh. No beard?

Cops don't have beards. So maybe shave your fuzz

and come back with just a moustache

because it's very macho to have a moustache.

'We were a cut-throat shave away from entering the cop-verse.

Yeah I'm ready, yeah, yeah. OK.

'This was already feeling like a bad idea.'

You seem quite nervous. Yeah.

What I'm nervous about is just looking like a Tamal guy

from some exotic, erotic movie from the '70s.

Uh...Rob on the other hand with a moustache, I predict, unacceptable.

'The beards were gone in minutes but we hadn't dared look in the mirror.

'And the moment of truth arrived.' Right are you ready?

Three, two, one. Oh, my God.

(LAUGHS) Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Oh, my God.

(GIGGLING)

Why, why is your cheek so pale? Are you white?

Rob, I'm not being funny, I'm not taking any banter from you

about how I look. Well I... (EXHALES)

You genuinely look like you've got something buried under your patio.

I look like a hard man from the '70s in a football team.

You look like a fucking serial killer.

Let's see what it's like with the glasses.

That's got a lot worse.

Oh, my God. I look like a fucking Asian Albert Einstein.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my mine's horrible. I look like Alpesh Einstein.

'It was hard to imagine anyone casting us looking like this

'but we were only halfway there with our cop-verse look.'

Here, this is your shirt. Thank you.

How you looking Rob? I look mental,

these trousers, they look like they've been painted on.

'It was a tight fit,

'but we were finally ready to reveal our outfits.'

Let's see the big reveal.

Ta-da. (LAUGHS)

Fabulous. Erm...What do you think?

I don't know what to think. (LAUGHS)

Do you think he looks OK coz he looks like he needs a copy of Mein Kampf.

You must... Have you got any bigger trousers?

He looks like one of the biggest defenders of the Aryan race

I've ever seen in my life. (SQUEALS AND GIGGLES)

Look, I don't think Rob Beckett is an unattractive man,

he's a good-looking guy, with a moustache,

he looks horr...like horrible.

Glasses off do you reckon?

I think glasses off for everyone that sees you.

Fuck.

Let's deal with the moustache, OK.

Some people have a moustache and look handsome and hunky,

some look camp, some look like paedophiles.

I'm a paedophile, well no I'm not but I look like,

I'm the paedophile option.

'Despite feeling more like a criminal than a cop,

'it was time for us to get in front of the camera

'and try to sell ourselves as serious Bollywood actors.'

OK, you got to be intimidating.

Go on Rom. PHOTOGRAPHER: Very nice, huh.

Very good. Yeah.

Fabulous. Gangster Cop.

Oh, wow, Rom, that's amazing.

'Rom had smashed his photoshoot and now it was my turn.

'But if I was to stand any chance of getting a role in Bollywood,

'I was gonna have to put aside all the obvious problems

'and get into character.'

I am Rajeev Kumar Singh.

'But despite his best efforts, Rob wasn't fooling anyone.'

Rob is supposed to be playing Rajeev Kumar Singh.

The camera guy couldn't keep a straight face,

he looks like somebody who moved to Thailand

under mysterious circumstances.

'With a load of headshots already in the bag,

'Rick and Ali had one last look for our portfolios.

'The traditional romantic lead.'

So it's basically a multipurpose outfit in Bollywood,

you can do this look for, like, celebrations,

you can do it for weddings, it's all over.

Is this right? This is... I don't think this is OK.

OK, guys, come out, lets see what your looks are looking like.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Fabulous. Yeah. I love it.

Also, yep. Yeah.

Perfect.

I'll be honest with ya, I'm not sure what I've got on's alright.

See now I just feel like...

Like what?

I don't know. It just looks strange, doesn't it?

Look, Romesh looks sensational.

The colour they gave him really suits his skin tone,

he looks unbelievable.

Romesh arrives with praise, I arrive with questions.

Do you know what he looks like? He looks like he's doing five weeks in Worthing for the panto.

OK, let's get you in.

So how should we be posing? Is it like...?

Yes. Could Rob be a romantic lead?

Yes...

if the other character in the relationship was an animal.

Very nice. Thank you.

There you go. Have you ever done a white guy before?

Not this white. (LAUGHS)

'Romantic lead still felt like a long shot for Rob,

'but with Rick and Ali's help,

'we'd managed to complete our portfolios

'and were one step closer to breaking into Bollywood.'

Oh, my God. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I think the pictures are done.

That's nice. That's a good one.

Do you think we've got any potential?

I think so, we edit them a little and send them to the producers.

Why don't you focus on acting lessons?

Yeah, we're up for that, aren't we? Yeah.

That'll help, I think. Er, alright well look,

we'll do that, thank you. But seriously, best of luck.

Great, thanks. Thanks.

Alright we'll be in touch, thanks man.

Thank you very much. Thanks so much.

Thank you very much. Thanks so much.

'Rom and I are on a mission to break into Bollywood.'

Ta-da.

'After learning the tricks of the trade from Bollywood star Ali Fazal...'

Oh, my God.

'..we now looked the part and we were ready to up our game.'

Why don't you focus on acting lessons?

Yeah, we're up for that, aren't we? Yeah.

'But as we set off from the Gateway of India

'for a spot of sightseeing before school tomorrow,

'something was on my mind.

Right, so we've done our photoshoot stuff with the moustache,

are we keeping this then for the rest of the Bollywood adventure?

What are we doing? I think we sort of have to.

Yeah, we can't go back now, I can't go clean shaven. All clean shaven for me's worse.

For me, same. I think for the rest of this trip, certainly...

Yeah. ..we're the tache bros.

But I think if I'm super confident, people won't question it.

So it's like "Oh, you got a moustache." "Yeah.

"Yeah, yeah, I do." That feels quite defensive.

Confident. No, not confident.

Sexy.No. Powerful.

No, it feels like it's... You've got a chip on your shoulder about it.

OK, we've just met each other, put your...

Rob, nice to meet ya. Hey, man.Oh, you got a tache too.

Yeah. I have, yeah. I like it.

OK. Yeah, I like yours as well. Thanks.

I don't like that. No?No.

Why not? How about this?

Oh, you're a sex offender as well?

'To kick start our acting ambitions,

'the next day we headed into one of India's top drama schools.

'Actor Prepares Academy in Mumbai,

'founded by Bollywood icon Anupam Kher.

'With a career spanning over four decades in acclaimed roles

'ranging from Bollywood dad in Dilwale Dulhamia Le Jayenge...'

I am proud of you my son.

'..to therapy guru in the Oscar winning Silver Linings Playbook,

'Anupam's an absolute giant of world cinema.'

Hello. Hi, hi.Hi.

'And with his school's track record of producing

some of India's finest actors,

it was the perfect place to help us on our Bollywood journey.

So when did you start the academy?

About 20 years back.

Our tagline is "We bring out the actor in you".

OK.Well that's one of the problems that we've got I think

if I can speak on behalf of both of us.Yes.

We're quite inhibited.

Musical-wise, that's probably our biggest obstacle.

Yeah that's gonna- We don't really-Obstacle?

Obstacle, yeah. I can't dance.

OK. You can't dance?

No. You've done 500 films?

Yeah, I have danced, so I go speak to the choreographer

and I say either the camera should be on my feet or on my face.

Never at the same time.

Never on the body so it will be, the face will be doing...

and the feet will be doing some, but together it will be so difficult.

So as long as you get one. Yeah.

That's got to be do-able ain't it? That is a great tip,

that is a great tip. That's brilliant.

I think the moment you do not worry about making a fool of yourself,

you can act.Yeah.OK.

Especially in todays time, you don't want to be a fool

so you do a balanced acting where you do not look stupid

and you cannot act brilliantly.

Right.So you are competent and I think competence

is the biggest enemy of brilliance.

Oh, yes, I love this. This is so good.

What about us because obviously... Do you think our faces are assets?

I think you look very good for a lot of roles.

Even, even me cos, obviously, Bollywood.

I would like to say yeah and yeah, yeah.Really?

I think so, yeah. You can be a curious man

who's always curious to find out. So a curious man.

A man who will hide behind a tree and sort of will check out.

Like a pervert? OK, OK.Sorry?

Sort of like a pervert. Yeah. We can train you.

In five minutes I can make you feel that you can act.

Really? Yeah.

Well, listen we are open to learning.

And I, and just be free and go for it and have no fear.

Is that right? I think you should be ready

to make a fool of yourself, you can become a good actor.

OK.OK.

'So to help us loosen up and lose our inhibitions,

'Anupam was teaming us up with his senior acting coach, Paresh Parek.'

Yeah. So let's uh...

Let's begin with the first lesson of the day.

It's voice work.

OK. Straight in, yeah?

So just talk about something. Erm...

How are, have you spoke to Leesa and the kids?

Yeah uh...Theo's not very happy with the moustache,

he sort of said "You haven't really done that to your face have you?"

OK, fine. So, can you raise the volume, please?

Yeah, of course. What's his problem?

I don't know, I just feel like he finds it embarrassing, you know,

like I posted up on Instagram and now all of his mates are going,

"Your dad looks like a nonce," it's just a bit of an embarrassing horrible situation you know.

OK, so now can you raise the pitch? Yeah, sure.

(HIGH�PITCHED) And so, basically, it's a situation where

he sort of finds it difficult because the opinion of his friends is important to him.

Fine, so can you try this? Yep, uh...

(HIGH-PITCHED) Do you think the voice is going to help

with the moustache when he sees this back

and all his friends go "Your dad looks like a pervert but also sounds like a child"?

OK. I think he'll think

that the other person looks much more like a sex-offender than he does.

OK, fine.I don't think this voice is helping anyone.

Fine.Thank you.Now you are using the false, false tone of the voice.

Yeah.OK. I want to use your real voice...

I think one of the things that holds me back is inhibitions,

is sort of embarrassment. I think Rob has got that less.

Rob has got a sort of a self-confidence and a self-belief

that, in my opinion, exceeds his talent.

(BREATHY) Oi, come here.

I've still got a lot of hope that I am sort of sitting on

the great white rhino of Bollywood

and I think that today, if he shows something about himself,

I don't have to do this anymore.

I just become Rob's manager and they call him,

I don't know, Ghost, or something like that.

And he becomes the biggest thing in the Indian film industry.

That's the big hope, that's the big white hope.

'Paresh had one last exercise to help us lose our inhibitions

'and worryingly it involved role-play and a camcorder.'

OK, let's go through the second exercise.

OK.OK. There's a situation

and you are in bus, you both are passengers.

Yep.You are standing and uh... you are singing a song.

OK.And suddenly he bumps to you

because driver suddenly braked and you get pissed off.

OK.And he says what can I do when driver is doing this?

Yep. Again you start singing...

and this time the bumping person is in

the opposite direction, someone new.

And you are really pissed off and now you are shouting at that person,

that person turns out to be a girl. Right.

And you suddenly smile. It's OK. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Now you are pissed off that I bumped to you, you are shouting at me.

And as a girl, he's smiling. Yeah, he's smiling.

Yeah. Prick.

You are to act this in gibberish.

In gibberish? In gibberish?

Gibberish. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SCOFFS) OK. Everything in gibberish.

OK. You can't a single English word.

OK.So you both are standing.

And one, two, three, go.

# (SINGING IN GIBBERISH)

(SHOUT AT EACH OTHER IN GIBBERISH)

# (SINGING IN GIBBERISH)

(LAUGHS)

That's good. That's good one.

(BOTH LAUGH)

So let's see the result.

Oh, we've got to watch that back. Fucking hell, mate.

'It turns out Paresh was filming us so we could watch back

'and study our performances...

'but all I could focus on was how we looked.'

Why did he show it back? Why did he do that?

I do not want to watch a video of me in side profile,

where the old gobble, gobble toad face comes out,

and watch me and Romesh talk gibberish.

I'm half decent straight on, to the side, fucking toad boy.

Fuck me.

It was horrible, our profiles are disgusting.

I didn't know what a beard was for, now I know it's to hide that.

As for the gibberish thing, there's two possible options.

Option number one, it's a useful exercise

in being able to act without using any words,

and the other interpretation is that Paresh has some sort of fetish.

It's very niche fantasy but Paresh was incredibly specific.

He filmed it, I don't know what he's going to do with that,

he's now left with that footage.

'Anupam's inhibition course had been an eye opener,

'but we'd passed and we had the t-shirts to prove it.'

I actually felt like we learnt some stuff today.

I think there's something that was said today that I'll keep

with me for the rest of my life

which is competence is the enemy of brilliance.

Yes.I like that erm, I like Paresh a lot.

At some times, he'd go...

"Huh!" out of nowhere...Yeah. ..and I don't know what that meant.

Yeah.But that was a huh and it was like, I just did it back at him.

Yeah. Was that the right thing to do?

Yeah, I think so, I mean I don't know why you're asking.

You're not Indian, are you? That's the problem.No.

That's something I keep forgetting. What series are we?

Also he said I look like a pervert when we got here, Anupam.

I know, he picked it straight away. You look like a curious man behind a tree.

Oh, thanks, Anupoom. Anupoom?

Thanks Anupam, oh, God.

Here we go. And he's cancelled. Clip it up, put it in the tray.

You can't cancel me for Anupoom. It's written on me fucking chest.

'We were in India hoping to land roles at Bollywood stars,

'we'd met Indian movie legend Anupam Kher,

'who'd helped us lose our acting inhibitions.'

'Now all we needed was a film to star in

'and I'd just had some huge news.'

So, Bobbett... Yeah.

Erm, what did I say was like the big thing about us coming here?

Obviously, learning about Bollywood

but the ultimate dream beyond all dreams.

Be in Bollywood. Be in Bollywood.

Be in a film. Yeah. Got a text from Ali's team.

Yeah?

(SCOFFS) We've got a part in a Bollywood movie.

Have we? Yes.

Right, OK.

The film is a sequel to the successful movie Risto Ka Batwara

which I remember you talking about a lot, you liked Division of...

Big fan, got the box set.It's a drama, not a box set, it's a film.

You don't have a box set of a film. Got the Blu-ray.

Rob and Romesh will be playing the role of visitors travelling

from a foreign country. Joining in on one of the songs

in the film, the song will have the hero and heroine involved

as well as about 20 dancers. Right, OK.

Finally, and this is the bit I think you'll be very excited about.

"Rob will have a line in Hindi."

Whoa. (SPEAKING IN HINDI)

What? Let me look at that.

(SPEAKING IN BROKEN HINDI)

Is this allowed?

I don't know, we'll find out, we'll find out in the edit.

Go on. (SPEAKING IN BROKEN HINDI)

Which means "Why are you fighting?"

I'm going to have to speak to someone who can speak Hindi

to find out how to say it. Rob...100% you are going to yes.

I can't just go on and read freestyle that.

But listen, we're in Bollywood baby.

We're in Bollywood.No as in we're gonna be in a Bollywood film.

Oh right yeah, sorry. Yeah. This isn't Bolly...

Now, we're in Mumbai.

Right OK, what area is Bollywood then actually? Is there a sign?

There probably is actually, I've not seen it though

and actually, in hindsight, probably, we should have done that.

Quite stressed now. Don't get stressed.

'Easy for Rom to say, he wasn't the one delivering lines in Hindi

'in a Bollywood movie.

'Especially because Ali had warned me what I was in for.'

It gets really crazy on a set right, especially like Bollywood sets.

You've gotta be really, really like zen inside.

'Right now zen felt miles off.

'Rom was buzzing about our Bollywood debut

'but I was going to bed worrying I'd be getting cancelled mid-scene.'

'The next day, on Ali's advice, we were travelling east of Mumbai

'into the countryside on a mission to find some inner peace.

'We were heading to Ayurveda Spa to relax.

'Ayurveda is a traditional Indian system of medicine

focused on balance and wellbeing, Bollywood swears by it.

'Stars like Amitabh Bachchan have promoted books on it

'and Rohit Roy has raved about it on social media.

'So if it worked for them, it could get Beckett

'in the right frame of mind for his performance tomorrow.'

Rob's sort of pranging out a little bit about it,

as he should do because he wouldn't be prepared to be in a movie if it was in English.

Is there a strong argument that we should spend today

doing some acting lessons and learning rudimentary Hindi?

Absolutely. But that's not what we're doing, we're coming here to get like

really very zen and rather than Rob learning the Hindi,

he will become Hindi.

Thank you. Welcome.

'We'd gone for the ayurvedic taster menu

'and based on the welcome,

'it wasn't going to be your average spa day.'

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you. Oh, cheers, thank you.

This is what we got to wear.

For the massage? Yeah.

Can I put it round my waist? (LAUGHS)

'Our first treatments were ayurvedic massages,

'in traditional ayurvedic dress.'

If you undid a loo roll completely and attached a string to it,

that's what we've got to wear.

And then, I assume, after you finished the treatments,

you burn that immediately.

So, please...

Romesh looked like a giant baby coz he'd made a special loin cloth

out of his loin cloth.

Absolutely horrendous

'I was having a treatment called Pizhichil,

basically warm oil poured all over me.

Rob was getting a massage called Ksheera Dhara which involved milk.

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

Having milk poured all over you,

sorry he's gonna be finding like cottage cheese in his crack.

This couldn't look worse.

Wow. He's gonna smell like an edam.

What it looked like was Rob's dick had been murdered

and they'd put a shroud over it for its decency.

Is that nice, that massage? Yeah.It looks good.

It's quite slippy. (BOTH LAUGH)

My skin can not be more oiled.

I'm ready to go in the fucking air fryer.

'I was feeling a little more zen after the milk massage

'but with ropes involved in our next treatment,

'things were about to get a lot more intense.

Hello. Hello, namaste. Nice to meet you.

Namaste, nice to meet you. I'm Prabhat.

Nice to meet you, I'm Prabhat. Namaste, nice to meet you, Prabhat.

You walk into a room that looks like it's somewhere where

they'd extract sort of secrets from you,

the rope coming from the ceiling,

you think this might be the last room I ever walk into.

You have to lie down, face down OK?

OK. Prone, prone.

I will put you in position.

'Prabhat's a master in the art of Chavutti Thirumal,

'an ayurvedic technique that means foot pressure.

'Full body deep tissue, all done with the feet.

'Basically, Beckett was about to get trampled.'

I'm a big fan of Prabhat but he is using his feet,

and I'm firmly of the belief that feet should not be seen.

They're certainly not for applying oil

and rubbing you up and down your body.

Oh, that felt good. Your Achilles tendon

went between his toes then, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Felt like the tendon was a credit card

and his toes was the machine.

Think he might use your arse crack as chip and pin in a minute.

Oh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Sphinx position, please. Sphinx?

Yeah. Oh, leave it out.

I'd say that it's probably the worst way my body could look.

There we go.

My little womble tits hanging down.

(LAUGHS) Oh, the tits. These tits.

Oh, my God. He's using you like a ski slope.

He's doing slalom on your... bottom of your back.

Face up please.

What's happened down there?

I've seen absolutely everything in profile.

Have you ever looked up at the sun for a second and you look away

and that image is still in your eye?

That's what it was like with Rob's dick and balls.

Oh, no.

OK.

No way.

No.

(MEDITATION MUSIC)

What do you think is going to happen now?

OK right, fuck, fucking hell.

Oh, my God. Fucking hell.

God. It's getting a bit creepy.

Sorry, what the fuck is going on?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, my God.

Are you joking?

He went like that, sort of tweaking his nose with his foot,

it's his foot.

OK that's it, thank you. Thank you very much.

Now Rob be careful now. Rob be, oh fucking... Or don't.

'I was up.'

Please lay down. Prone. Prone. I'd love to yeah.

'And my foot aversion was about to be put to the test.'

I don't want to do this.

It's good to finally get some oil on my skin.

(GIGGLES)

Had about three to four minutes where I wasn't completely oiled up from top to bottom, so that's good.

'And it didn't take long for Prabhat to turn me into a human doormat.'

This would be good for your marathon training.

Supposed to get time on feet not time under feet, wacka, wacka.

(LAUGHS)

'And as Prabhat hit me with the sphinx

'and then the ski slope,

'it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened.'

Here we go, welcome to the Thunderdome.

Oh, no. (CHUCKLES)

Oh...

(CHUCKLES)

What is happening?

Here it comes.

OK, yeah. Gladly.

Don't forget his nose, Prabhat.

Oh, my God, Prabhat.

Buy me a drink first, Prabhat.

OK, sir, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much Prabhat, thank you.

(ROB AND PRABHAT GIGGLE)

Look how shiny you are.

You look like a fucking gateau.

'Having Prabhat put his foot on my face

'felt like the natural end to our ayurvedic journey.

'But we still had one more treatment to go.

Shirobasti, it involved dough, a hat and more oil.

This is what, a pastry turban?

Just never felt so helpless. I just don't know what I am anymore.

I tell you what you're about to be, a pie.

'The paste was a mystery until the hats went on.

'It was there to seal them to our heads

'so they could pour in the oil.'

It's good actually, it's been about seven or eight minutes

since I've had some oil applied.

'We'd been thoroughly oiled and told to sit back, relax

'and enjoy the feeling.'

I started in a position that means the only way

this stays straight up is if I look at your crotch.

So...

Have a good look.

Please, Rob, don't. Rob, don't. (SNICKERS)

Do you like it? Feeling destressed?

All I can see, all I'm... I can't, this angle's terrible.

You're gonna sleep well tonight.

Do you want me to close it back up? Please.

You know what I think would have been a good treatment?

A lesson in Hindi.

(SPEAKING IN HINDI)

I don't know if that's right or not.

'It had been a mixed day, part relaxing, part traumatic.

'Rob had barely practised for his role tomorrow,

'but we ticked ayurveda off the Bollywood to do list.

'All that was left now was to become Bollywood stars.'

ROMESH: 'We're in India taking on Bollywood.

'Thanks to our mentor Ali Fazal,

'we'd somehow ended up in a film

'and, unbelievably, Rob had been given a line in Hindi.'

(SPEAKING IN BROKEN HINDI)

Is this allowed?

'Today we were heading north of Mumbai to the film's location,

'a set called Focus City.'

If you'd had said to me at the beginning of this whole thing,

"At the end of the week, you are going to be playing a tourist

at Focus City in a Bollywood film",

I would say, "What is Focus City?"

But here we are.

We're in a Bollywood film, it's a hell of a day man.

'We were here to star in the sequel of Rishto Ka Batwara 2,

'which translates as Division of Relationships.

'The first film was a big hit, a family drama packed

with dance numbers, so with Bollywood fans already onboard,

expectations were high.

(UPBEAT BOLLYWOOD MUSIC) (MAN SINGS IN HINDI)

This film is a sequel to a film

that on YouTube has got 13 million views, right,

so this is not Rob Beckett's Smart TV, right?

Lots of people actually watch this.

'First up, we were meeting the films producer, Mr Shah...

Yeah, hi. Good morning.

'..so he could talk us through the scene.'

It's a song sequence in which

a hero and heroine is having a very sweet fight.

Sweet fight, yeah. When the heroine says the hero

you bring me the 'jhumka'. The earring.

Earring. The big one.

Then only, I will allow you to kiss on my cheek.

Oh.

So you are watching all this, why these people are fighting?

There is one guy who is selling earrings.

Yeah. You get the earring,

you go to the heroine and then you are to explain it

in one line in Hindi. Yes. Yes.

Like... (SPEAKS IN HINDI)

Go on he, he's doing the line, he's got this.

Only little word in Hindi. Alright, great.

And you can take part when the song is going on,

you can just do some whatever kind of.

OK, great. Yeah, you met my director?

No. No, not yet.

(INDISTINCT) He's busy.

Yes, sir. Hi.

I'm Rob, nice to meet you. Hello.

He's Rob and he's Robin.

Hi. Yeah, nice to meet you. Yeah. It's too hot, it's too hot.

It is hot, isn't it? So, he's my director.

Yeah.He told you what you are supposed to do, he told you.

Yeah.Yeah. Perfect. He will explain.

Brilliant, thank you so much. Thank you so much, thank you.

'Looking around, the production was big

'and the thought of Rob dancing and trying to speak Hindi

'in front of everyone, was too good to be true.'

I can't wait. (LAUGHS)

I'm absolutely buzzing, I feel like it's my birthday.

'While Rom was chilling with his coffee,

'I'd hit the Google Translate panic button.'

What we got here? (AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING IN HINDI)

Oh, fucks sake. (PHONE BEEPS)

I feel like Don King, I've brought my... (LAUGHS)

I've brought my prize fighter to Focus City to be in a film,

(AMERICAN ACCENT) "You wanna speak Hindi? Hell yeah he speaks Hindi."

(AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING IN HINDI) Cure, cure. Cure.

(AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING IN HINDI) Jagrar, cure jagrar.

"You speak as much Hindi as you want, Rob, speak some god damn Hindi, boy."

(AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING IN HINDI) (REPEATING IN HINDI)

'I'd said my line so many times, I didn't even know

'if it was right anymore.'

(SPEAKING IN HINDI)

'But with the cast and crew gearing up and filming about to start,

'we got the call to costume.

'And once we put on our tourist outfits,

'the line felt like the least of my worries.'

So uh...what do you think? What are we playing again? Tourists?

Yeah, some sort of tourist, I've got a guess at what type. Um...

The through line of me being a pervert in this show's

not stopping is it? No. I think you suit the look.

I think the socks and sandals are doing most of the heavy lifting.

What I want to know is what are us two on holiday doing?

(CHUCKLES, STAMMERS)

Now that's the question, innit?

Yeah, we just go, yeah, we're on a little trip,

we're going India, Cambodia, Thailand.

Having a little look about. Yeah.

Vietnam. I feel more welcome over here

than I do back at home.

Alright, come on, shall we go do it?

'We had three scenes to shoot that made up one big dance number

'but we were still trying to get our heads around the story.'

It's a very confusing narrative.

We're two tourists, let's not get into specifics of what we're doing,

how we've come together, why we're wearing what we're wearing,

all of that I think is... makes it a much darker project.

'First we had to watch the loved up couple have a barney

'over a pair of earrings while we stared through a window

'like a pair of creeps.

'Luckily KD was on hand to guide us through it.'

I tell you, look at each other... BOTH: OK.

..then you go, look, what's going on?

I'm a big fan of KD, he looks like Sherman Klump, the later years.

I'll be here. OK.You'll tell me when.

I'll say go.

I love the fact that he's very nice to us but then shouts at anyone brown that works on the show.

(MIMICS KD) So then you erm... you do this and then you come.

(SHOUTS IN GIBBERISH)

KD:

BOTH: Yeah.

OK.Yeah.

(LIVELY BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYS)

KD: (SOFTLY) Go!

The way our little heads pop out, I don't know if this is

a massive stitch up coz at the moment what it feels like is,

this is the most mental thing I've ever done.

Oh, Christ. Yes!

Is that OK?

Yeah, I did get tired. (LAUGHS)

Fuck me. That was longer, weren't it?

Nah. Nah... God.

'In the next part of the scene, our characters were joined

'by a bloke in a scarf who was selling earrings,

'jhumka, that we were going to buy to please

'the leading lady and unfortunately for us,

'this meant the start of our big dance sequence.'

(INDISTINCT) (LIVELY BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYS)

'So we were shown the classic Bollywood dance move the thumka.

'And once KD was happy, we were ready to go for a take.

Roll. Dance.

What the hell's going on? What's going on?

Fight. (SPEAKS IN HINDI)

BOTH: Oh! jhumka!

'And once we'd started...'

'...It didn't stop.'

Fucking hell, how long's this go on for?

Just how long is this jhumka tune?

I danced more today for those scenes

than I have done at every Asian wedding

I've ever been to added together. OK. OK.

Thank God. All good?

'Thankfully the dancing was done, but that meant it was time

'for Rob's line and he wasn't looking good.'

I'm absolutely exhausted already and it's not happened yet.

It's 39 degrees, the geezer said to me this is an Indian heatwave.

I can't handle a British heatwave.

I was melted in the heat and KD was pressuring me to rehearse.

(SPEAKING IN HINDI)

(SHOUTING IN HINDI)

(REPEATING)

I've got no idea what the line is anymore.

(MAN SPEAKING IN HINDI, ROB REPEATS)

Every single Indian actor or producer or director

that comes up to me has a different accent and pronounces it in a different way.

(SPEAKING IN HINDI)

Everyone says it differently. (LAUGHS)

I think it's accents, like in the UK people have got

different accents so it's like, I feel like an Italian player that's signed for Liverpool.

I've learnt English and everyone's a Scouser.

'Rob was all over the place,

'hearing the line pronounced 20 different ways

'had scrambled his brain.' (SPEAKING IN HINDI)

Just you don't...you don't shout the line at everybody.

You cannot get in my head right now. Show me how you're gonna do it.

(STAMMERS, CHUCKLES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Don't worry about that. Don't get in your head about that.

'Now he had to deliver it in Hindi in front of the entire cast and crew.

'And, eventually, millions of Bollywood fans.'

(LAUGHS) Oh fuck.

'But if he nailed it, he'd be a Bonafide Bollywood movie star.'

Ready? MAN: Rolling!

Roll. MEN: Rolling.

Action.

ROMESH: 'Here's our big Bollywood moment in Risho Ka Batwara 2.

(EPIC MUSIC)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

# (WOMAN SINGS IN HINDI)

Jhumka, jhumka! BOTH: Jhumka!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Thank you.

OK, it's done. Done, in one take?!

Oh, yeah. That's how we do.

I'm quite excited coz I did it in one take which is a bit of a like...

You know everyone like, "I'm a one-take wonder."

But I do think it had something to do with lunch.

Coz they were like, right, done lunch.

Was that OK? Thank you.

'Our Bollywood adventure was complete.

'We'd acted, danced,

been oiled and somehow survived it.

'Rob had nailed his line first time which, honestly,

'I never thought would happen but cometh the hour,

'cometh the great white rhino.'

Do you know what, Rom, I think we've done well here.

Yeah, I think you done particularly well. We had a mission objective.

Yeah. For this episode and we've done it.

Well I-You've delivered a line of Hindi dialogue in a film.

You hate music and dancing, you danced for ages.

I enjoyed it. You let go of your inhibitions.

I don't know if the foot massage helped.

In future if I'm trying to learn Hindi,

I don't think I need to lay naked face down and have a man walk on me.

No. Never mind on camera.

I do that in my spare time, ah, jhumka.

Wacka, wacka, wacka. (LAUGHS)

No, in all seriousness, no, you were great though.

Do you know what I think we should do?

What's that? Head off, go and find KD,

see if we can be in part three.

Get some of the back story for these two perverts fleshed out.

Jhumka in London. I'm so sweaty, is your arse wet?

Don't, we can't close the episode like that.

I'm not opening it with it. Come on, let's go.

Jhumka.

Come on Rom, give them one more. Come on.

(LAUGHS)

# PANJABI MC: Mundian To Bach Ke #

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