Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

ROB: 'The Winter Olympics are just around the corner.'

ROMESH: 'With Milano Cortina 2026 fast approaching,

Rob and I have teamed up with Team GB

to see if we can survive in the dangerous world of winter sports.'

Picking up speed. Holy shit.

'With almost 20 events to choose from...

..we'll be training with our Olympic hopefuls.'

(RIFLE SHOT) Yes.

'Finding out how they're gearing up for the event.'

When you pulled off the 1440...

'And seeing if we can cut it...'

This is awful.

'..as winter athletes.' Whoo!

Ah-ha! Yeah!

G-shot.

(SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

'We were making our way to the Swiss town of St Moritz

on the route of the Bernina Express,

one of the most scenic train journeys in the world.'

Romesh, here we go. To the Winter Olympics and beautiful Switzerland.

(GLASSES CLINK) Well, that's lovely.

Wow.

What a life, eh? It's quite erm, James Bondy, though, ain't it?

This train.Oh, yeah, very nice. I've never been to Switzerland.

What time's your meeting with Google?

Oh, it's like that, is it?

Just cos I'm dressed for the location.

We've come up with this new interface,

I think you'll find it quite exciting.

No, this is my fancy train outfit vibe.

"How was the train ride with Rob?" "It was alright, I think he just come from a casting for Succession.

He's playing Logan Roy's love child."

'Winter sports takes serious skill and they're seriously dangerous

so we had to choose our event wisely.'

Basically we need to find a winter sport that we can do.

So what have we got? OK, we have got biathlon.

Skiing and shooting. Is that that one?Yeah.

I don't want to sound cocky... Yeah.

But when we did shooting for the Olympics...

Yeah. You were good at that. I was not very good but, you know.

No, you were good. Surprisingly...

There were cheers when... Yeah.Yeah.

OK.Yeah. Pull.

(FIRES) Yes, come on!

Ten in a row. Ten, baby.

Out of all the things we've done, your best thing.

It's a low bar but it is the best thing, yeah, including comedy.

Figure skating, no, you can't skate.

No, I mean, you're not amazing either.

I know, but I didn't get pushed to the darkness in Disney On Ice and left there.

Where's Romesh? This is a nightmare.

Ooh. (ACTORS SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND)

Oh, gosh. What's going on? This is awful.

Quite a difference between that and figure skating.

I've got a bit of PTSD from that, so let's swerve that.

Speed skating.No. Again, no.

Ski jumping, snow boarding. So I think if we give skiing...

Those are all no. Think curling might be a good bet.

Curling? We are good at curling. Maybe it's in the British genetics.

Yeah. There's one I've missed. Bobsleigh.

We don't want to be doing that, that's mental.

The good thing about bobsleigh,

one of the guys that represents Great Britain

in the bobsleigh team, I used to teach maths.

Really?Yeah. He was in my year eight, year nine class.

And was he good at maths? Great, top set.

But he didn't carry on his education.

He decided to launch himself off a mountain in a metal shoe.

That is what getting taught by me does to some people.

So I think we start with bobsleigh. OK.

'With our three events selected,

we were travelling to the birthplace of winter sports, St Moritz.

It's hosted the Winter Olympics twice

and is home to the Olympia Bob Run St Moritz-Celerina,

the only natural ice bobsleigh track on the planet.

We'd be training with Team GB piloted by Brad Hall

who's making history on the world stage.'

COMMENTATOR: Gold in St Moritz for Brad Hall!

'And by some mad coincidence, is a former pupil of mine.'

We'd come to the St Moritz Bob Run to meet Brad and the team.'

Hello, lads, you alright?

'For a reunion that's been 20 years in the making.'

Brad. Hello, Brad, you alright?

Taylor. How are you? Hello, mate.

Hello, sir. How you doing? Sir?Good to see you.

Is this the first time you've seen each other since, what, year eight?

No. GCSEs, yeah. Yeah.

What did you get in maths? Well, he's-I was an A.

An A? Of course, top set maths.

Yeah. But he was alright as a teacher?

I remember you actually practising for all your stand-ups.

You used to practise at school? No, no...

(OVERLAPPING VOICES) Don't... No, it wasn't like that.

Let Bradley speak. He got a microphone in front of the whole class one day

and actually he did a rap. He rapped to you?

What was the maths rap?

You can't say you did one and then not tell us.

I can't remember it. Something about BODMAS, you know, Order of Operations.

(LAUGHTER) What the hell!

Do you need maths for this job? Yeah.

I would say quite a bit. There's a lot of stats involved with this.

Wow, OK, look. Look at this, Rom. Yeah.

You've made an impact. Yeah, really.

See, all the time we get to the bottom and there's a number equation that needs to be done - "Brad?"

Everyone just looks at Brad.He gets a beat in, someone drops a beat

and he starts spitting all the stats back in a rap.

Can I ask you... This is a difficult question to answer.

But how come you're so good? Like what makes you good at doing this?

I'm very particular with a lot of things and the guys will agree

that I leave no stone unturned when it comes to like the piloting

and what to do with the equipment.

But we're just er... Yeah, absolute machines.

Is he a bit of a hard taskmaster?

He can get under our skin a little bit but...

it is what makes him a very good...

probably like, not just blowing smoke up his arse,

probably the best pilot in the world. You can have that one.

Brad, you're the best pilot in the world.Bobsleigh pilot.

Yeah.Sorry, yeah. I'm not gonna get in a plane with ya.

(LAUGHTER)

Well done.Ah, thank you. Yourself too, proud of you.

Ah, I'm proud of you too. Well done, mate.Come a long way.

'It was great to see Brad but we weren't just here for a love-in.'

Er, we'll lift it up and we'll take it, flip it round there.

'He was going to give us a fast-track lesson in bobsleigh.'

Oh, cosy, innit?It's not that glamourous, is it, really?

No. I was expecting slightly more cushioning.

You'll have Brad sat in here. Yeah.

Number two, number three, number four.

Oh, my God, this... What do you hold onto?

Them straps. Straps?

You'll be alright. OK.

'After seeing just how basic the bob was,

the last thing I wanted to do was get in it.

But Brad had other ideas.'

So what we're gonna do now is show you the clap. So this is something

we do at the start of the runs.

So it's a routine for us to get ready

so we all hit the sled at the same time.OK.

These bobsleigh boys are big boys. Big.

They're like Love Island bombshells. It's disgusting, I feel pathetic.

If that's what you need to be physically, we are not it.

One, two, three. ALL: Ooosh!

Do you reckon they do that before they get a round of shots in?

When I look at them, I don't think "Oh, look, I found my tribe."

Do you know what I mean? I don't know what my tribe is.

Back. Back.

Go on, then.

(BRAD GIVES INSTRUCTION)

Unreal. Wow.Yes, lads.

Great work.

Shall we show you how it's done properly?

'Demo complete and to be fair it didn't look too tricky.'

You go two, I'll go three?

OK, yeah, I mean, I don't suppose-

I don't want to get in-between you and Brad.

(LAUGHTER) Snuggled up behind your pupil.

Very strange this, I wouldn't want to have my maths teacher behind me.

Anywhere. Never mind on a bobsleigh going downhill.

Keep calm and... Yeah, everyone knows what they're doing.

Oh, thank you, sir. (LAUGHTER)

One, two, three. ALL: Ooosh!

When Rob and I tried to do it, I couldn't get in behind Bradley.

There's obviously... My instincts are like

don't get too close to the pupils.

I've still got that training in my blood.

Back.Back. Go on, then. Oh, God.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. (LAUGHS)

Oh! Look!Oh...

I managed to get in there without touching Brad.

Quick.

(THUDDING) Fucking hell!

(LAUGHING) Jesus Christ.

And then I get a double knee to the spine from Rob like we're doing WWE.

(LAUGHTER) Now my leg's stuck.

Genuinely the best chance Rob has got of competing in the bobsleigh

is if they hollow his body out and go down inside him.

Oh, Rom, get off me! I've got...

Oh, this is horrible.

'We managed to get into the bob but it was a mess.

So bad we were praying it meant

we'd be spared the St Moritz Bob Run,

but Brad wasn't having it.'

OK, so we've got a bit of track time.

We've got one run, one seat. Who fancies a ride down?

Oh... Erm...

It's a very difficult situation for me

because Brad is obviously offering this up as a treat,

but imagine if somebody said,

"Oh, thank you so much for teaching me for all those years.

As a thank you, would you like to eat this dog turd?"

Er... Surely there's only one answer.

It's gonna have to be you, sir, isn't it?Oh, yeah...

I mean, I was going to offer but if you want him that's great.

OK, yeah, I mean, I don't think I should push.

No, no. Yeah, that was fucking dreadful.

(LAUGHTER) OK. Yeah, let's keep you sitting in.

Keep you, keep you nice and safe. Yeah, alright, thanks.

You don't burst a disc or anything on the way down. How frightening will it be?

It's loud, there's a lot of pressure and G-forces pushing down on you.

Getting rattled about, it'll be terrifying.

But it'll be great experience, Rom, won't it? Bucket list stuff.

Bucket list. Just before death. Something to tell the grandkids.

'The St Moritz Bob Run is one of the fastest

and most unforgiving ice tracks on the planet.

Sleds hit over 90 miles per hour with no room for error.

Horseshoe Turn is the real test -

a near vertical wall of ice that's punished even the best in the sport.

COMMENTATOR: Whoa!

Looking good, lads.

It's quite intimidating. Feel like I'm gonna get beaten up.

Here's the prick here. (ALL LAUGH)

Let's have it. Good, good. Look at this.

Give us a twirl. No, don't, I don't...

I know why you're saying that.

Let's just get it out the way, I've got no arse whatsoever. Alright?

(LAUGHTER)

They look good. Thanks.How you feeling?

I'm scared. OK. Good luck.

I believe in ya. You've got this, Rom.Thanks, mate.

You'll be fine.Yeah. Until you're not.

Oh, come on, Brad. (LAUGHTER)

ANNOUNCER: Next team at the start from Great Britain.

Brad Hall, Romesh Ranganathan, Leon Greenwood and...

'I wasn't feeling great about what I'd signed up for

but it was happening.'

The last time we were up top of here we won a gold medal, so it's er...

What we got?

One, two, three. ALL: Oosh!

I've driven down, I've seen the track, it's horrific.

That, that Horseshoe thing's like, just like a brick wall.

Yeah, yeah. So they'll be coming round sideways,

you know, over head height round there.

(TENSE MUSIC) ANNOUNCER: The track is clear.

OK, back. Go on, then.

And they are started on the track.

Hall, Ranganathan, Greenwood, Lawrence.

First 50 metres.

That's quite... that looks quite chilled.

Start time, 7.25. Good start time?

It's not gonna win a World Cup medal, let's put it that way.

BRAD:

Down through here now it starts to get a bit more busy.

'Brad was naming the corners while I was just trying not to throw up.'

Oh, oh, God. This is the bad one? Yeah, here we go, it's coming up.

Oh!

He's flying, yeah. That is... 140?

Yeah. That's fast.

'Brad wasn't holding back, we were going at World Cup medal pace.'

Oh, my God. Is that coming up here now?Yeah.

Look at all the snow.

OK, look... You alright?

ANNOUNCER: ..Romesh Ranganathan, Leon Greenwood and Taylor Lawrence.

Where's Rom? Is he...Is he there?

Oh, my God. Are you alright, Rom? (GROANS)

'I'd survived...just.'

Oh, my God.

'And perhaps for the first time ever I was happy to see Rob's face.'

Oh, my God.

That was horri- That was, not horrifying, it was amazing,

but it was much more frightening than I thought it was going to be.

The downward pressure on your head,

I wasn't expecting anything like that.So you got pushed down?

My head got pushed into my own anus at one point.

That's the G-force.

Mate, that was... I felt like I was being crushed.Well done.

That was genuinely incredible.

They said you came down so quick you can go again if you want.

Yeah, I'm alright. Do you know what?

Such a great first and last time to be doing that.

(LAUGHTER) Just feels so good.

Thank you so much. No worries.

Thank you. Good luck.

Lovely to meet you.Brad, so proud of you, so proud of you.

'We're in St Moritz trying out Olympic events

ahead of Milano Cortina '26.

Yesterday I did bobsleigh.

It was a buzz but one I'll happily never repeat.'

Holy shit.

'Next on our event list, biathlon.

Skiing and shooting combined. We've proven we can shoot in the past.'

(FIRES) Yes! Come on.

'But skiing was another matter.'

'St Moritz has some of the best skiing in the world

so we were taking a gondola to Piz Nair,

the town's highest peak at over 3,000 metres, for a lesson.'

What's your skiing history like?

Erm, I skied once. Couldn't do it and I just

scooted on my bum down a mountain for about an hour and a half.

What about you? You must be able to ski.

I look like the guy that could ski? No, I imagine you're awful.

But I didn't wanna get in your head.

It's the only time I ever lost my temper on a shoot.

Oh, this is great. Oh, now I'm excited about this.

It was... We did skiing in Bosnia.

One of the camera ops was like skiing backwards while filming me.

That's the problem, isn't it, when you've got a kid

that went to boarding school going, "It's easy."

Hearing the words "I've skied since I was three"

is worse than racism for me.

(LAUGHS)

'We needed all the help we could get to prepare for the biathlon.

Fortunately we had a skiing legend waiting at the top to train us.

Back in 1988 at the Calgary Winter Olympics,

Eddie Edwards took the games by storm with his fearless ski jump

earning him the nickname The Eagle.

He might have come last but his never-say-die spirit

made him a legend.

So much so, Hollywood turned his incredible story into a film

starring Taron Egerton and Hugh Jackman.

Eddie's been skiing for 45 years and now has his own ski school.'

Yes, Eddie. Hello.

Eddie the Eagle Edwards, what an honour.

I couldn't believe it was Eddie the Eagle.

Nice to meet you, mate. And you.

When I was a child, Eddie the Eagle was this like super -

he was like a superhero. He flew and he's in front of me.

It's like meeting, like, it's like meeting an Avenger.

How difficult is it going to be? Er, it's easy.

It's easy? Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

OK. What is it we need to know?

I use the KISS method. K I S - Keep It Simple.

I've heard that, keep it simple. I like this.Keep it simple.

Let's go and shred it up. OK.Is that what you say?

'Eddie had our backs, easy peasy lemon squeezy.

And keeping it simple was the sort of teaching style we needed.'

Get your right in.'But even simple was a bit much for Rom.'

That's it.Oh. Oh, bollocks, I've set the mousetrap off.

'It took a while for Rom to sort his life out.'

Oh, God.This can't be real. Oh, God.

'But finally we were geared up and ready to hit the powder.'

So I'm gonna go down and demonstrate.OK.

And I want you to come down. I want to assess your ability.

Yeah, OK. OK?

I feel like we're going in at the deep end here, Ed.

I'm confident you can do it.

Eddie seems like a really, really nice bloke, like, nice demeanour.

I would describe his skiing instruction style as hands off.

Off we go.

I feel like he's just said go.

If I saw somebody almost fall over putting the skis on,

I wouldn't then go, "See you at the bottom."

My pole's stuck. Oh, fucking fuck.

(CRIES OUT)

'We were both struggling, Rom could only go in a straight line.'

Oh, God.

'And even though I could turn it looked absolutely tragic.'

Excellent. 'Eddie was bringing the positivity

but I was still wondering if me and skiing were ever going to click.'

Lou's a bit posh, she went skiing as a kid.

That's why I don't like going, she belts off. And then what happens is

I'll end up on the little blue slope with all the kids

and then she's on like, all orange ones with all the strong men.

I think she'll have an affair with a bloke who's got muscles, who's on the red runs.

They're going down it together getting the adrenaline.

She's like, "I'm nervous, I've not done a red before.

Will I be able to do it?" "Don't worry, you're with me."

She falls over, he holds her hand.

Before I know it they're having it off at apres,

I'm still on the magic carpet.

Nice fresh air though, ain't it, Rom?Yeah, really fresh.

Really fresh. It's like opening the freezer.

EDDIE: Right, here we go.

'An hour into our lesson

and we were still being outskied by people a quarter our size.'

I just don't think a brown person has got a business being on here.

But somehow Eddie was convinced we'd graduated to trickier stuff.

He'd laid out a mini slalom course for us to race on

and it didn't look easy peasy lemon squeezy.'

Now this could be quite interesting.

You're a very good snow plougher. Great turns, but you're very steady.

Romesh, you go down like a bat out of hell.

Well, I'm not-And then you slow down and go very slow.

Well, I'm not in control, Eddie.

So I'm gonna demonstrate. I'll go to the bottom,

I'll put my hand up to get ready.

As soon as I drop...you go. OK.Right.

OK. I'll show you the course. Here we go.

So, in the snowplough.

These are quite tight turns here, Rom.

One...two...

I don't know if he knows he does it. He gets the old wing flap going.

He's flapping! Fly, eagle, fly. Ohh!

I had the privilege to watch Eddie the Eagle soar.

He does look like an eagle with his arms up, don't he?

Yeah, I think he's doing that to demo to the two idiots at the top.

Oh, what? How to turn? Yeah.Are you ready?

Right. OK.

Oh, fuck. Hang on.

Are you alright? Ooh-ooh-ooh, are you alright?

Yeah.

Ready?

Go! Go?

Let's go, yeah.

(DRUM AND BASS)

Oh! You alright, Rob?

'Rob had stacked it in front of his hero.'

Rob, are you OK? I'm alright.

'With Rob laid out I was almost guaranteed the win.

I was starting to feel like Eddie the Eagle Edwards.

Nothing could stop me.'

Very good, but you didn't go through the course.

Oh, I did. It didn't, I know it didn't look...

It didn't look like it but I did. (LAUGHS)

'Turns out nothing could stop me, except Eddie's rules.

But Rob didn't need to know about that.'

Well done, Bobbie. Rom?Yeah.

That is so impressive cos you, like,

trying to go fast and turn is so hard. Well done, mate.

No, thanks, it's just... I managed to snake round it.

How did you... Where did that come from?

I don't know. It just... I just sort of...

I just lost the fear a bit and I was able to like...Well done, mate.

Wasn't I, Eddie? It was very good.

The only trouble is you didn't go through the course properly.

So you were actually the winner. What... How did that happen?

Cos you went the right of the first, left of the second,

Romesh went straight down the middle.(LAUGHTER)

You didn't turn? So that was the spirit. You got up,

you brushed yourself down, you put your skis back on and finished.

That's the Eddie spirit. You're Robbie the Vulture.

I'm Robbie the Vulture. I'm Bobby the Bald Eagle.Rob the Robin.

Bobby the...the....

The blue tit. Blue tits.

They are at the moment. I'm freezing.Bobby the Blue Tit.

Bobby Tiny Blue Cock they should call me.(LAUGHTER)

Romesh the Chocolate Acorn they should call me.(LAUGHS)

'The lesson was over. Our skiing was still a disaster

and our chances of completing a biathlon were looking slim.

Worst of all my Olympic spirit was hanging by a thread.'

I think our best strategy is to check the rules of biathlon

and see if you're allowed to run it.

'St Moritz isn't just the birthplace of winter sports.

It's a millionaire's playground.

So in true St Moritz style we jumped in a horsedrawn carriage with Eddie

to hear more about his career.'

(SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING)

Who'd have thought, Rom, when we first started this

we'd be sat here going through St Moritz with Eddie the Eagle?

If someone had said to me you'd be going through St Moritz

with Eddie the Eagle in a carriage, I'd assume there's ketamine involved.

(LAUGHS)Oh, well, let's not rule it out. The night is young.

Not apres ski'd yet.

Did you get involved in the apres ski?

I suppose when you was competing you couldn't.No.

You're not really a drinker. I didn't drink then.

I used to drink milk so, erm... Is it? Just milk?

Yeah, I used to drink milk. No water?

No, well, and water. Oh, right, OK.

I used to drink mainly milk. Mainly, mainly milk.

Yeah. Like a calf.

Yeah. So I... So I wasn't really that interested in the apres ski.

Mainly milk. For me it was all about the skiing.

Cup of tea, coffee? Oh, yes, tea, coffee.Yeah, alright.

And what would you have in that? Milk? Am I right?

You've got to stay loyal to the milk.

Do you fancy making up for that with some apres ski today?I do, yeah.

I don't mind.Cos I think, look, we're here now.

That's the spirit of the Winter Olympics, isn't it?

I will put...park milk aside for one night and...

I tell you what, you give that udder a rest.Yeah.

Yeah. (SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING)

'I couldn't get my head around how Eddie had never

experienced apres ski, so we found the perfect place

to pop his apres cherry.' OK.

It's apres time, Eddie. It's gonna be great, gonna have the best night.

Just stick together, yeah? We leave no-one behind.

Right have a... Oh, we're in. There we go.

Here we go.

(SONG PLAYING IN BACKGROUND)

Beer, tall bar, this is dangerous territory here.

'We were on the beers, Eddie was on the white wines

and I was loving the '90s uni playlist.'

"Anybody," it's a tune, isn't it?

(SONG PLAYING IN BACKGROUND) Absolute...

The music in here's quality.

I'd come out more if the music was like this.

'But we weren't just here to drink.' (THUD)

'The Swiss have a bar game called hammerschlagen.

The rules are simple.

Each player takes turns trying to hammer a nail into a tree stump.

The aim? Get it in with the fewest strikes possible.

The loser buys a round.'

Have you seen the Swiss prices? You ready? Who wants to go first?

Eddie, you should go first. Go on, Eddie.

You left-handed? Here we go. I'm left-handed.

People behind, so be careful.

(ROB AND ROMESH CRY OUT)

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Luck.No way. Beginner's luck.

Wallop.

(CHEERING) That's it.

Shit. Come on.

(CHEERING)

'We all started bang-on, but it went downhill fast.'

Oh!I'm getting rubbish. Too many wines.

That is...That was really bad. (LAUGHTER)

Missed the wood. I got a bit over-confident.

Ooh!

Oh, you alright?

(THEY CRY OUT)

Wallop!

'I'd sunk my nail so now it was between Eddie and Rom.'

Fuck. Pressure now, here we go.

(CHEERING)

Get in there. Smashed it.

'What a surprise.

I'd lost a game that relied on hand-eye coordination.

But I couldn't complain about losing to a legend like Eddie the Eagle.'

What a guy. Get a round in.(LAUGHS)

So I've had a great day. My first taste of apres ski.

OK, Rob, here you go. Thanks, mate.

Here you go, Eddie. Are we going back in?

Cheers. Cheers.

I gave up the milk and had a white wine, lush.

The taste of victory. The taste of victory.

Back to the hammerschlagen.

# FATBOY SLIM: Praise You

(CHATTER AND CHEERING FROM CABLE CAR)

ROB: I say we play again.

'We're in St Moritz in search of our winter sport.

Yesterday we hit the slopes with an Olympic legend.'

Yes, Eddie.

'To help prepare for our next event, the biathlon.

But after failing to master the downhill stuff...'

Oh, Rob, are you OK?

'..we were hoping biathlon cross-country skiing

might be easier.'

I'm excited about this cos it's basically skiing again.

The thing we struggled with was being on a steep slope.

Yeah, the... This is flat.Yeah.

Gradient... No danger...is not my friend.

Yeah.And neither is it yours if you don't mind me saying.

No, no, I'd-It would never be Rob, Rom and Gradient Versus.

No, but, erm, this flat... Yeah.

Just skiing up and down a bit. Yeah.

And then..and shooting. And you're really good at clay pigeon shooting.

I'm alright at that. We've done that before. This could be the one.

'Olympic biathletes face a cross-country ski

before putting their precision to the test at the shooting range.

To give us the best possible chance...

we'd enlisted the help of Team GB coach Carl Carrier.'

(RIFLE SHOT)

'Along with rising star and British medal hopeful Shawna Pendry,

to show us how it's done.'

So biathlon is a contrasting sport. It's cross-country skiing

which is very high intensity,

and then you've got the complete spectrum of shooting

which is very high concentration, very calm.

Erm, I'm slightly distracted by the skis.

Skinny little fellas, aren't they? What's going on?

It's like when you order the wrong noodles at Wagamama.

Got the little ones, I wanted udon.

So you were doing alpine yesterday? Yeah.

So, big heavy wide skis.Yeah, are these more difficult or easier?

More difficult. More difficult, great news.

I reckon about five minutes in I came to the conclusion

that yesterday was a massive waste of time.

And we'd have been better off checking out

some of the bars and restaurants,

head to the gondola first thing in the morning, spend the day there.

We would have been as prepared for today as we were when we arrived.

You need smaller skis cos we're gonna ski up hills.

Like a hill like this. We're going up?

Ohh! Oh, we thought it was all flat.

Yeah it's a bit of up and down, cross-country.Alright.

Already it seems harder than I thought. Full disclosure.

'We were already up against it

and Carl was about to drop another bombshell.'

Now we're gonna start off without the poles

cos the poles tends to confuse things

and I want your focus to be on your feet, being over the skis.

See, I assumed the poles would really help me stay up.

A stabiliser is useful but then you use the stabiliser too much.

Right. And you're not focusing on

what I want you to focus on to give you the best chance of being able to ski.

I bet it was stressful being your kid being taught to ride a bike.

'Skiing without poles on a pair of razor blades

seemed like a long shot but we were trusting the process.'

You're gonna try and bend your knee,

put some weight on it and then push on.

Oh, fuck. Bent legs.Waargh!

Oh, no.OK, try and look forward and not down. OK?

This is impossible.

I need me sticks. You don't go uphill with no sticks, do ya?

It's not how you learn.

Look, I'm no expert here but the sport is skis and sticks.

If we're doing a sport, give me everything I need.

Turn! Turn, turn, turn! (LAUGHS)

This is...

It'll be the equivalent for the shooting.

If he makes me lay down and do that... No gun.

"I just want you to get... I just want you to try it without a gun."

Alright. (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) Give me a gun.

'But Carl had one more exercise to try to keep us on our feet.'

It might actually help you skiing by yourself

by trying to push somebody else. OK.

So I'm going to be stood exactly how you were.

OK.Straight skis, I just want you to hold my hips.

OK, and then just try and push me.

This is like ice skating when you've got those penguin things.

Balancing on the ski. I'm moving. Good.

Looks a bit British Empire to me. (LAUGHS)

"How far would you like me to push you, sir?"(LAUGHS)

"This is far enough, please. Raj is tired."

There you go!

In full Great British gear, you made a brown guy push him up the hill.

(LAUGHTER)

"Do you need your snacks now, sir?"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Right. Your turn. Can we have some sticks?

Sticks? Alright. Sticks.

We'd really like some sticks. Sticks.

(CHANTING) We want sticks, we want sticks, we want...

One more little thing to practise. Carl! Shut up, Carl.

One more little thing. Listen, we can't do it.

Carl, get the sticks. Stop making the brown boy do stuff.

"Do you want me to push you again, do you?

Bloody bastard." (ROB AND ROMESH LAUGHING)

Mate, so funny.

(ROMESH LAUGHING)

Ahh! Get the poles!

(LAUGHS)

'With our demands finally met,

Carl moved us on to the double poling technique to get us round.'

Oh, shit. What am I doing wrong here?

What am I doing right? Nothing, I think.

From here if he turned round and it was Dick Van Dyke,

you'd go, "Yeah, makes sense. 97-year-old man."

'And finally, Carl and Shawna's training

seemed to be paying off for me.'

He's pretty good. Fucking chaotic, this.

Look. He didn't look graceful but Rob actually can move

in the actual technique you're supposed to use.

Oh, my God, Rob. Yeah, yeah, yeah.He's off.

I was shit at it, but one of the things about the shooting is,

you have to arrive at the shooting range

and then fall on to your stomach, I can do that.

Oh! Wahey.

If that was the event you're looking at the Olympic Champion.

So that's us done with the skiing.

What we need to do now is get the rifles out

and see who can shoot straight. Yeah, mentally, I'm not

in a good point to be handed a rifle.

Before we did the skiing I thought,

"I'm better than Rob at shooting so hopefully this will be alright."

I'm gonna have to be like the fucking Jackal

to overcome the disadvantage I'm at now.

'After a tough cross-country ski,

biathletes have to shoot with pinpoint accuracy

at targets just 4.5 centimetres wide.

Next stop was a shooting range

for a crash course in precision under pressure.'

So, biathlon target, 50 metres away.

So, half a football pitch, a swimming pool away

from the firing range.

And we've got individual names so Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo.

Let's give it a go, then. Yeah, I'm excited.

'I was stepping up first and I had an important bit of kit

that was going to help me out.

Back when we tried out clay pigeon shooting,

I found it surprisingly difficult to get my eyes to cooperate.'

My eyes are all over the gaff.

What there seems to be is a slight eye dominance issue.

If you try with a bit of card behind your glasses,

that should block that vision for this shot.How cool do I look now?

(RIFLE SHOT) Yes!Yes.

So this time I'd come prepared. You alright?

I've got my eye patch on.

Jesus Christ. This is so...

Come on, guys.(LAUGHS) Like, this is...

There's no dignity left now in this game.

Can I say on behalf of one-eyed people everywhere,

this is cultural appropriation.

Can I explain the issue cos I feel like it looks like I'm insane.

But basically I need to look through that eye to shoot, yeah?

I can't...I can do this, see that?

That eye shut, that open. I can't shut that one

without shutting that one.

But I need to have that one shut to look out of that one.

So, eye patch.

We're gonna go down to position.

We've got a rifle rest to focus on the sight alignment.

You'll need some bullets first. Yeah. So, we....

I'm not firing yet, Shawna. I'm lining it up.

Shawna, why are you heckling? Sorry.

'First up, Carl and Shawna wanted us to practise our accuracy

by aiming at a single target.'

So, Rob, we're gonna be shooting at top Alpha.Top alpha.

'Trouble was, I couldn't figure out which was which.'

They're all just loads of black dots everywhere.

Hopefully there's only one. No, there's loads, all lined up.

Is it possible he's having a stroke? (LAUGHS)

Nice breathing and we're gonna breathe out and then just squeeze.

How...How did we look there? What were you aiming at?

Fuck knows, mate, I was just trying to find one.

I think I saw a deer fall down in the trees though.(LAUGHS)

(RIFLE SHOT) (METALLIC PING)

No, I can't see anything. How's the eye patch getting on?

No, I don't think it's helping. Shall we...

Shall we try top Charlie just in case he's really...

Top Charlie? Alright, mate, if you're buying.Get him some Charlie.

If you know a guy I'll have a bit. That might liven me up.

'I was completely lost in a sea of targets.'

I'm shooting at the double decker lot in-between two and one.

It's one to the right of number one. Oh, I'm...I was going that way.

I was totally flummoxed with all the names, top Bravo, bottom Charlie,

Alpha Papa, one two, up down.

It was like Articulate.

And squeeze.(RIFLE SHOT) You hit it but it was the wrong...

So I got one but I was aiming for the wrong one.Yeah.

But you hit it. (LAUGHS)

Respect.

'Rob had had a shocker and left the door open for me

to level the playing field after my performance on the skis.'

Your go now, left to right. (RIFLE SHOT)

Yes.Good. Got it.

(RIFLE SHOT) That was good.

Two from two. This guy's on fire.

(RIFLE SHOT) Yes.

Good trigger action.

I think the reason that I'm good at shooting

is...you have to remain completely still

and remaining still is one of my favourite things to do.

Hold your position, breathe out and squeeze.

(RIFLE SHOT)Good. Yes!Four.

I love sleeping, completely still.

Having sex with my wife, completely still.

(CLICKING)

So if you're asking me what I thought of on the fifth shot,

I thought this was what it's like when I conceived my third child.

Completely motionless, lower your breathe, squeeze.

(RIFLE SHOT) Yes, Rom!

Five of five. Five for five.

Yeah, boy. (LAUGHS) Good on you, excellent.

Wow!

Feels good. Feels pretty good.

(LAUGHING)'I'd finished on a high, 100% in the shooting.

But with our biathlon training done, Carl had one last surprise waiting.'

We've proved we can shoot and hit targets.

This morning we've proved we can ski.

The only thing we need to do now is put it together

in an actual race scenario. OK.

So, the World Championships is happening about an hour away.

Why don't we go over to the World Championships tomorrow?

Do a little race.Can I just ask? Is that how it normally works?

One day's training then go to the World Championships?Pretty much.

OK, well, yeah, if you think we've proved to you we can do it,

on your head be it. Look at him.

You...You've proved you've done the individual bits.OK.

It's gonna be a shortened course.

So I reckon we should have like a time to beat of say...

eight minutes, Shawna, you reckon?

Yeah, if you do that we'll be impressed.There's a goal to go for.

We'll see you tomorrow. Get an early night, Rom.

Get some practice in at the hotel.

Wander around with an eye patch and a rifle.

'We were in Switzerland on a mission to discover our winter sport.

Yesterday's biathlon training hadn't gone well.'

Turn, turn, turn!

'Rom couldn't keep upright on his skis

and I had trouble seeing the targets let alone hitting them.'

I don't know what's happening.

'Today we'd been invited to compete in a special event

at the biathlon World Championships in Lenzerheide

and we'd arrived early to find out exactly what we had in store.

(CHEERING) Oh, no.

Oh, this is horrible. Oh, my god.

'What we'd walked into was a 10,000-strong crowd

of biathlon fans,

here to witness one of winter sports' biggest events of the year.'

Look, the truth is, and we knew it was the World Championship.

But they do the World Championships of tiddledywinks

and you don't get a big grandstand for that.

So, I didn't realise that biathlon was this big.

Oh, Rom. Why is there so many people here?

Who are these people waiting with sticks? Spare sticks?

Are you allowed a spare, a pole?

You're firing a lot of questions at me. I've arrived at the same time.

With the same level of knowledge. Sorry, sorry.

(CHEERING)That's fun when they cheer the shots, ain't it?

If you shoot like you did yesterday you are gonna get five "waheys".

(CHEERING) It's quality, they're going mad.

Can we just talk about the number of issues?

One - we've not hardly done any training.

Correct.Two - we haven't actually shot with skis on.

Correct.Three - we haven't got down and got up.

But listen. Rom, Rom, forget about all this bit and-

Forget about this bit? That's the bit.That is the main bit.

You can't point at the track - "Forget about this bit."

I feel awful. Look, Eddie the Eagle was shit and he seems happy.

(LAUGHS) Do you know what I mean?

Go out there and be shit. Yeah.

Hopefully, they'll give us a nickname.Yeah.

Before you know it, Rom the Rat, Bob the Hog.

'With our event fast approaching,

we needed to get suited up and the last thing the crowd expected

was two absolute beginners turning up to fake it as biathletes.'

Erm, how much do you want to cry? Yeah, I'm not...

It's not making me feel more confident, the outfit.

I feel like I'm watching the first ten minutes of Up. I want to sob.

I just... (LAUGHS)

I feel so restricted, just both sort of emotionally and physically.

This, I think, has got to be the tightest outfits we've ever worn.

The thing is, like, normally in this I would breathe in.

But we've got other things to focus on.

Carl didn't say breathe in. Is that...

Yeah. That's better, ain't it?

If I race like that will that look alright?Yeah, but you're-

Is it a bit baggier? It's not baggy.

I'd say... Is it baggier now?

I'd say...I'd say don't make baggy one of your objectives for today.

Is that a big baggier? Is that a bit loose? Anyone got a smaller one?

The worst part is when you stop

the letters don't look like letters when I breathe.

That's better. Breathe out. "Graub."

(BOTH LAUGH)

Graub.

I'm zipping back up, mate.

(ZIP RASPS)

Right, let's go. Let's go. Let's get this done.

Come on, you look great.

'The one saving grace in this nightmare

was that we weren't doing a full biathlon.

Instead of 20 kilometres, we had a shortened version -

a 400-metre-lap of the main arena.

The first section took us to the shooting range

where every missed shot meant a 15-second penalty.

After the shooting we had to navigate a hill

before pushing to the finish in a target time of under eight minutes.

This is obviously a lot to take in,

but you just need to focus on just literally one, maximum two things.

Yeah.So, in the skiing, keeping the rhythm as best as you can.

Yeah. OK? And shooting-wise?

Shooting, I would say, like just concentrate on your breathing.

Yeah.Relax, good aiming, and you'll be fine.

BOTH: OK. Good luck.

Oh, high fives from Shawna. Yes, Shawna. Thank you.

Thanks, guys. See you later.

Good luck. See ya.See you in a bit.

We're fucked.I just can't have anyone to talk to anymore.

We're so fucked. But that's true, though.

Just focus on the one thing you've got to do.Yeah.

Got to focus on each thing that you're not able to do at a time.

Because there's no point thinking about the other things you can't do.

I can't ski. I got to focus on that.

Yep.Can't get the poles off, focus on that.

Can't aim, focus on that. Can't see, focus on that.

Can't get up. Can't get down, focus on that.

Can't get up, focus on that.

Don't really know the track, focus on that.

'So, all in all, Rob and I were completely screwed.'

(TENSE MUSIC)

COMMENTATOR: Welcome to the Biathlon World Championships 2025

here in Lenzerheide, Switzerland and a packed-out Roland Arena.

This is awful. This is... Can't... I can't work like this anymore.

Fuck me.

Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan taking on

a much shortened biathlon course

and competing against the clock.

Ready? (FIRES)

(BOTH CRY OUT)

They've had their top tips from Carl Carrier

and Shawna Pendry from the British Team.

Their target time is under eight minutes, but I'm sure

there will be bragging rights for whoever crosses the line first.

And as things stand Rob has stolen a little bit of a lead

on the first straight.

All good?

'We were both all over the place on the skis.

It was slow-going especially for me.'

Oh, fuck.

'But while I was struggling, Rob had made it to the shooting range.'

This is where we go from the physical exertion

to the full concentration.

Sticks, poles, gloves, headbands,

glasses and a patch. (PANTING)

Oh, no. Don't panic, Rob.

Oh, God. This is actually... My glasses are steaming up.

COMMENTATOR: Steamed up glasses will not help one little bit.

(RIFLE SHOT) First one is out to the right.

Fucking hell.

(RIFLE SHOT)

It's closer but not enough of the lead hitting the target.

(RIFLE SHOT)

(CHEERING)Third one is down, good shot from Rob.

(RIFLE SHOT)And four.

Can he finish with three hits?

(RIFLE SHOT)No! He throws that last one high left.

So, three misses, 45 seconds in the penalty box.

And Rom now needs a good shoot. (RIFLE SHOT)

Low right but safely inside the target set.

(RIFLE SHOT, CHEERING) 50 metres the distance.

How many's that?

Just over 11 centimetres wide from side to side.(CHEERING)

(RIFLE SHOT)Four out of four. (CHEERING)

(CLATTERS)

Is he gonna go clear on his first-ever attempt? He waits.

(FIRES)

(CHEERING)And it was worth every second of the delay.

Romesh clears five. Rob is away, penalty served.

Go, go, go, Rom.

Now Rom back on his feet, needs to relax a little,

find some rhythm, bend those knees.

Now Rob's into the most technical of the sections,

slightly downhill with that right-hand turn

into the finishing straight.

He's negotiated that well,

but Rom's got the weight too far back.

Down he goes. That could prove costly.

Meanwhile, Rob has just got 75 metres to go,

accelerating into the finish now.

You can see strength in the arms.

This is a fabulous effort from Rob Beckett!

Across the line, a decent time. (CHEERING)

'I was in trouble and my fall was costing us valuable time.'

Yeah. Where's Rom? Where is he?

No, he's gone.

(GRUNTS) Yeah.

Shall I go and help him?

And now it's all about... Romesh has gone down again.

I might go... Shall I go and get him?

OK.

I'll go. Shall I go and get...

(CHEERING)

# PAT BENATAR: We Belong

Would a push help, Rom? Yeah.You ready?

COMMENTATOR: Well, we don't see enough of this in sport

and the crowd always appreciate a few heroics.

Into the last 50 now, keep an eye on the clock.

It's gonna be desperately close.

We're gonna be down fractions of a second I think,

rather than seconds and Romesh is on his own for the last 15 metres.

Five seconds remaining.

Over the line he goes.

(SONG CONTINUES)

(CHEERING)

We're gonna have to wait for the official result.

But Romesh has made it.

Rob Beckett brilliant on the skis, not so good with a rifle.

Romesh astounding with the rifle, five out of five.

(CHEERING)

# We belong...

Thank you very much for giving it a go.No-

No, it's been our pleasure, thanks, you've been amazing.

It's an amazing sport and you guys have been so welcoming. So, thank you so much, man.

I've just had confirmation. You beat the time.

BOTH: Yes. Well done.

Even that? It must have been so slow. Yes.

Who set that time? What was the target? Today?

(LAUGHTER)

# Whatever we deny or embrace

# For worse or for better

# We belong #

Waving to your fans. Yeah. Thanks, guys.

Thank you, guys. Cheers, guys.

Thank you so much. Thank you.Thank you.

Thank you.Listen, erm... All great guys.

We only started yesterday and we did it.

Yeah. That was really good considering, wouldn't you say?

Yeah. I mean, look, did things go wrong? Yes.Yes.

Did I fall arse over tit and then couldn't get up? Yes.

Did you have to push me over the last little bit? Yes.

Yeah. However, your shooting - unreal. Five out of five.

Yeah, well, the thing is, what I discovered is if you ski

so slow your heart rate doesn't increase at all

to the point where your heartbeat's actually slower

than the sound effect they play in.

Then you are actually quite calm when you do the shooting.

Well, whatever your technique is, it worked.

Yes.Look, like you said, only did it yesterday,

I thought we did well. Yeah.Considering.

But do you know what? I don't think it's our sport.No.

I think we need to try something else. Come on.Let's go.

'Next time...'

You know what you look like? A stylish jacket potato.

'We continue our search for a winter Sport in St Moritz.'

(SHOUTING)All the way. I don't know what the command is!

'We head back home to hang out with one of Team GB's brightest stars.'

So how much snowboarding do I have to do before I can get away with?

'Before travelling 3,000 miles to Canada to finally find something

we are half-decent at.'

COMMENTATOR: A hit and roll in for shot stone.

Look at that from Rob Beckett. Come on!

That's how you curl. Come on!

# THE PRODIGY: Champions of London

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