Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language,

adult humour and flashing images.

"Rom and I are back."

It is very Hollywood, isn't it? Well, it is Hollywood.Yeah.

"Ready to put ourselves into the most weird..."

"Ready to put ourselves into the most weird..."

Yes. THAT is OnlyFans.

"..and wonderful worlds."

(CROWD CHEERS)

"Together we're going on a journey of discovery..."

"Together we're going on a journey of discovery..."

What have you learnt?You can do too many series of something.

"..to find out what we like..."

"Do you like UFC?" I was like "What do you think?"

"Do you like UFC?" I was like "What do you think?"

"..and what we don't."

(HITS DRUMS) One and two and three...

Ah. (LAUGHS)

(THUD) Oof!

(THUD) Oof!

Action! (BOTH SCREAM)

"This week..."

(DEEP SINGING VOICE) # Exit light

"We're things up to 11."

"We're things up to 11."

Oh my god, Rom.

"As we head to Download Festival to take on the world of heavy metal."

It's like a stag do that's got out of hand.

It's like a stag do that's got out of hand.

"We'll experience the highs..."

Shall we go again? Yeah.

"..and the lows of being rockstars."

I'm drunk.

I'm drunk.

"Before taking to the stage."

Yes, Download.

"To perform in front of our biggest crowd ever."

So Rob. Yes.

This week, heavy metal and...

This week, heavy metal and...

we have been invited to perform at Download Festival-

Right. -on stage.

That's a big heavy metal festival. Yeah.

They will bottle us off.

They will bottle us off.

Yeah. If they don't like what we're doing.

Fuck. 100%.

Do you like heavy metal? Um... How heavy are we talking?

Do you like heavy metal? Um... How heavy are we talking?

Megadeth. No.

Guns N' Roses? I mean, I'm naming very old ones.

I like them. What's Slipknot?

That's sort of... that's metal. No. OK.

That's sort of... that's metal. No. OK.

Do you like heavy metal? I went through a heavy metal phase.

Who did you like? I love Metallica.

Here's my admission to you...

Here's my admission to you...

I was in a rap metal band.

(LAUGHS) You were in a rap metal-

Yeah.

So you did the rapping, I imagine. Yeah.

So you did the rapping, I imagine. Yeah.

Who was in the band? A mate of mine called John.

He played guitar, there was only two of us. It was a duo.

Was John any good? He was good, yeah.

I mean, he's quit it now. He's a criminal barrister.

I mean, he's quit it now. He's a criminal barrister.

Sorry, are we on Would I Lie To You?

(LAUGHS) What was the band called?

First Conviction.

And then he went on to become a criminal barrister?

And then he went on to become a criminal barrister?

You're making this up.Not straight- There was stuff in between.

He didn't quit the band to be a criminal barrister,

it was when we were kids.

it was when we were kids.

Are we gonna reform First Conviction? Get John back out.

He actually did a rap after he changed professions,

the opening line, it was like...

# "My name's John and I'm a barrister,

# "My name's John and I'm a barrister,

# "Step to me and I'll embarrass ya." #

Not bad is it? Maybe don't get him involved.

(LAUGHS)

On second thoughts, me and you.

So what do you want to perform at Download Festival?

Can I play drums? Coz I've done drums.

Can I play drums? Coz I've done drums.

Yeah. In the orchestra.

So I'm lead vocalist?

Well, this is exciting! So we've got the band.

I think we need a cool song.

I think we need a cool song.

Metallica. Er...

Enter Sandman I quite like. Yeah, OK.

# METALLICA: Enter Sandman #

Download!

Download!

We are... FIRST CONVICTIOOOOOOON!

Sounds quite easy this.

Sounds quite easy this.

(CROWD CHEERS)

In a few days time,

we'd be performing at the legendary Download Festival

in front of thousands of hardcore metal fans.

in front of thousands of hardcore metal fans.

For over 20 years, Download has hosted

some of the biggest heavy metal bands in the business

some of the biggest heavy metal bands in the business

and now Rob and I have been invited to join them.

But first, we needed to convince a band to let us gatecrash their set.

But first, we needed to convince a band to let us gatecrash their set.

The situation that we find ourselves in is that

we are performing as a heavy metal band

and the problem is it is only Rob and me, so we need a band.

and the problem is it is only Rob and me, so we need a band.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC) # I'm in hell

# Fire surrounds me

# Dragged here kicking and screaming

And the band we were hoping to convince to take us on

And the band we were hoping to convince to take us on

are one of the country's finest heavy metal acts.

Bleed From Within.

Combining both metalcore and death metal,

bands don't come much heavier than this.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

This is actually like... proper heavy shit.

This is actually like... proper heavy shit.

(VOCALIST GROWLS INTENSELY)

This is like proper (MIMICS HEAVY METAL SCREAM)

This is like proper (MIMICS HEAVY METAL SCREAM)

It's like walking into Satan's anus.

(SCREAMS) # Alright! #

We'd come to their rehearsals in North London

We'd come to their rehearsals in North London

to both seal the deal and hopefully

get an idea of what we'd let ourselves in for.

Mate, how's your throat? Er, that was mad.

Mate, how's your throat? Er, that was mad.

Cheers. Thanks, man.

I don't even know how to respond. (LAUGHS)

Does it not kill you to do those vocals like that?

No, it's fine, I do loads of warm-ups before it.

No, it's fine, I do loads of warm-ups before it.

There's like a technique to do it.

It's not as loud as you would think. Right.

So what we're thinking is... doing Enter Sandman during your set.

So what we're thinking is... doing Enter Sandman during your set.

The plan is you sing and me on drums.

What are the drums like for Sandman?

Drums are very very simple. If you cannae get this there's no hope.

Drums are very very simple. If you cannae get this there's no hope.

Perfect. (ALL LAUGH)

You don't get much simpler. You set that up perfectly.

Er, let's repo to the drums and watch Rob fuck this up.

Er, let's repo to the drums and watch Rob fuck this up.

(ALL LAUGH)

(PLAYS SLOW DRUMS)

With expectations sky-high then,

it was time to put Rob's drumming skills to the test.

it was time to put Rob's drumming skills to the test.

That's like the intro section. You can do that.

Timpani, you're used to this.

Timpani, you're used to this.

It's a Timpani! I'm back on the old timpo's.

And then the main drum beat is...

(PLAYS STEADY DRUMS)

(PLAYS STEADY DRUMS)

When you said the main drum beat, what the fuck was the first one?

That was the intro. Right, OK, fair enough.

How will I know that I go from that to that one?

How will I know that I go from that to that one?

By listening to the rest of the song...

(ALL LAUGH)

..and the other elements involved. (ALL LAUGH)

..and the other elements involved. (ALL LAUGH)

OK.

Look, I am not a musician

and I've proved that throughout my life,

and on this very show a couple of times already,

and on this very show a couple of times already,

but we'll give it a bash and see what happens.

Your right hand is gonna be... see when you're counting-

One and two and three and four,

One and two and three and four,

right? Yeah.

On every one and three, you're gonna hit the kick drum.

Every one and three? (COUNTS RHYTHMICALLY)

Every one and three? (COUNTS RHYTHMICALLY)

And one and two and three-

Ah. (LAUGHS)

Right.

It's just around the corner.

(PLAYS DRUMS BADLY)

(PLAYS DRUMS BADLY)

(LAUGHS)

I don't know how I can make this any simpler, right.

I don't know how I can make this any simpler, right.

I loved it, his little face going red,

the fact that he'd hit the drums once and then collapse in on himself

like his spine was falling in on itself. Beautiful, lovely.

(PLAYS DRUMS BADLY) No.

No no no no no. Just wait, wait a minute.

No no no no no. Just wait, wait a minute.

This is him.

"Oh. I'll give it another go."

"Oh."

"Let me try one more time."

"Oh."

"Oh."

So good. So good. I loved it.

One and two and three and four

and one and two and three and four.

Right, I can-

Right? Sorry, what?

Does that not make any sense? No. I (LAUGHS)-

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I would say er...

if there was a way of getting Rob's practice session on the drums

clipped up and sent to me,

clipped up and sent to me,

I would never need pornography again.

Left hand's gonna be on the snare,

this is the snare drum, right?

OK, how do I fucking know till I get introduced?

OK, how do I fucking know till I get introduced?

When he starts to find things difficult he gets arsey.

I don't think I've got arsey yet.

He'll start going "I'd like to see you do stand-up comedy!"

"You think you're so fucking good at drumming!"(LAUGHS)

"You think you're so fucking good at drumming!"(LAUGHS)

Why don't you's play along and then maybe he'll get the tempo that way?

One and two and three and four.

One and two and three and four.

Wrong tempo but cool, yeah.

(DRUMMER HITS STICKS)

(LAUGHS)

(BAND PLAYS "ENTER SANDMAN") One and two and three and four....

(BAND PLAYS "ENTER SANDMAN") One and two and three and four....

(ROB PLAYS OUT OF TIME)

This is brutal.

This is brutal.

And one and two and three and four

and one and two and three and four.

One and two and three and four.

Bring the hand over here, there we fucking go.

Bring the hand over here, there we fucking go.

Come on.

I don't think drums is the one.

(ALL LAUGH)

(ALL LAUGH)

"The drums had been a disaster."

"And to make matters worse,

"there was only one thing I could do...

"head up front and sing with Rom."

"head up front and sing with Rom."

Obviously, we don't sound like Metallica

so we're gonna do a Bleed From Within version.

It's a bit heavier.

It's a bit heavier.

Are you good for me to teach you how to do that?

I'd love you to, yeah. Cool. Right, OK, so...

(HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light #

Do that kind of gravelly thing. Wanna try it?

Do that kind of gravelly thing. Wanna try it?

(HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light #

How's that? I like that.

That's absolutely perfect.

That's absolutely perfect.

OK good. Absolutely perfect.

Go on then, Rob. This will be good.

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light #

We'll go with that.

We'll go with that.

Why are you laughing? (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Because I gotta tell you

It just does sound a bit Sesame Street.

It does. (GROWLS)

It does. (GROWLS)

What's the words? It sounds like this....

(IN A COOKIE MONSTER VOICE): # Exit light #

It's hard to do it without context. With music-

Can he lose the "Er"? (HEAVY METAL GROWL)

Can he lose the "Er"? (HEAVY METAL GROWL)

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL)

(HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Enter night #

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Take my hand #

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Take my hand #

It was unbelievable.

He can't de-Muppet.

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light #

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light #

And I kept saying to him, "You sound like Sesame Street."

OK, let me try it again

(IN A COOKIE MONSTER VOICE): # Exit light #

(IN A COOKIE MONSTER VOICE): # Exit light #

(IN A COOKIE MONSTER VOICE): Oh hello, Kermie.

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Take my hand #

This is- # We're off to never-never land.

This is- # We're off to never-never land.

(LAUGHS)

What I would say is

his vocal performance was up there with his drumming.

I would say the unbroken eye contact is a problem as well.

(LAUGHS) Is it?

Well, that's quite a challenge for you,

This is what you're doing, you go like this

(IN A COOKIE MONSTER VOICE): # Exit light #

(IN A COOKIE MONSTER VOICE): # Exit light #

Yeah, I want to see if I'm doing it properly.

What's wrong with that?If you look at me, I'll start laughing.

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light #

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light #

Terrifying.

(GOOFY HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Take my hand #

You're sandmanning him out of.

# We're off to never-never land! #

# We're off to never-never land! #

It's good. That's good. Yeah?

Good. I think you're ready. I'm getting better.

You ready for a band rehearsal? You better believe it.

Let's do it. (BAND PLAYS "ENTER SANDMAN")

Let's do it. (BAND PLAYS "ENTER SANDMAN")

"The boys from Bleed wanted a full dress rehearsal before Download."

"But after how practice had gone..."

"But after how practice had gone..."

(HEAVY METAL GROWL)

"..I was running out of options."

I got so humiliated with drumming and how bad I was at singing

I got so humiliated with drumming and how bad I was at singing

that all shame is gone.

So I had nothing to lose.

(IN A KERMIT VOICE): Let's go, motherfuckers!

(HEAVY METAL GROWL SINGING)

(HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light

# Enter night

# Take my hand

# We're off to never-never land

I sorta tried to predict what the outcomes of this rehearsal would be.

What I didn't predict is that

Rob would be shit at everything he tried

Rob would be shit at everything he tried

but then still be overconfident in the performance.

It is incredible

that we are in a situation where I am more nervous about my performance

that we are in a situation where I am more nervous about my performance

than I am about Rob's

because that man can deliver a shit vocal

and then, as if he's smashed it, go to lick a guitar.

and then, as if he's smashed it, go to lick a guitar.

# Exit light

I think I'm in Romesh's head.

He's up there singing, like, "Go on, mate, it's heavy metal."

He's up there singing, like, "Go on, mate, it's heavy metal."

I'm licking the guitar.

# We're off to never-never land

Whoo!

Perfect.

Look after each other, guys! Have a great weekend.

Look after each other, guys! Have a great weekend.

As per usual, Beckett had once again stolen the limelight.

I am actually in a position now

where I thought this was gonna be a day of fun for me,

where I thought this was gonna be a day of fun for me,

watch Rob be crap, he completely crumbles.

Unfortunately, what happened is he's the most confident I've ever seen him

and now I'm more nervous about how I'm gonna do.

and now I'm more nervous about how I'm gonna do.

You're killing it. Really?

You'll smash it. I'm actually quite enjoying it,

which makes a change, normally it would-

which makes a change, normally it would-

Do you think you'll go bigger for the actual thing?

I don't think I can. No that's what I was gonna say.

If anything I might go lower.

Anything that we've got to work on between now and Saturday?

Anything that we've got to work on between now and Saturday?

Er. Just stage presence. OK.

Go for it. Enjoy yourself. You can't do anything wrong.

You can't go too big. Yeah, you can't go too big.

You can't go too big. Yeah, you can't go too big.

Wicked. Alright, we won't let you down.

Cool, I think you're ready. Thanks, man.

We'll see you on Saturday. We will.Cheers.

Obviously, I guess if we get an email between now and then

Obviously, I guess if we get an email between now and then

saying you fucked us off that's fine as well.

(ALL LAUGH)

Rob and I are diving into the mosh pit

and exploring the world of heavy metal.

Gearing up for a performance at the legendary Download Festival

Gearing up for a performance at the legendary Download Festival

with our new bandmates Bleed From Within.

It was day one

and with the gates opening to over 100,000 eager metalheads

and with the gates opening to over 100,000 eager metalheads

in just under an hour, we were heading across site

to check out the stage we'd be performing at tomorrow.

Download, baby. Exciting, ain't it?

Download, baby. Exciting, ain't it?

Very exciting.

Oh shit, don't hit the-

How comes you're driving now just coz it's the buggy.

Because every time one of these shows goes out

Because every time one of these shows goes out

everyone goes "Can you not drive?"

Yeah, I know but- I'm proving that I can.

I'm doing a shift on the M25. this is the fun bit.

Yeah but this is more difficult, this is off-terrain.

Yeah but this is more difficult, this is off-terrain.

Not off terrain, what is it? Off road.

Off terrain. Off terrain's flying.

Yeah, there's no terrain at all. (LAUGHS)

So we're on the Opus Stage.

So we're on the Opus Stage.

Shall we go find it? Yeah, boy.

I'm getting a bit over-excited, can you hear how I'm talking?Yeah.

Yeah and Romesh Ranganathan you (MUTED).

Yeah and Romesh Ranganathan you (MUTED).

(LAUGHS)

Maybe I'm more recognisable than you.

I reckon they just think I'm your driver.

# RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE: Bulls On Parade #

# RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE: Bulls On Parade #

Meeting us at the Opus Stage was event organiser Andy Copping.

The Michael Eavis of Download,

The Michael Eavis of Download,

for the last 20 years

Andy has been booking the biggest names in rock music.

Hello Andy.

Hey.

And for the next couple of days, he'd be our man on the ground

And for the next couple of days, he'd be our man on the ground

as we prepared for our performance.

Thanks very much for having us. It's great to have you here.

It's exciting being here before- like the calm before the storm.

It's exciting being here before- like the calm before the storm.

When the gates open it's gonna be something out of Game of Thrones,

they're all gonna come over the hill it's crazy.

I'm a bit nervous because this the stage we're going to be performing on.

I'm a bit nervous because this the stage we're going to be performing on.

Yes, you're going to be playing on there.

I thought we'd be in a tiny little tent

but this feels like a main stage. The size of it.

but this feels like a main stage. The size of it.

There'll be 40-odd thousand people watching you.

40,000? Yeah, yeah.

No. Yes.

Oh, this is quite bad actually.

They're gonna be all the way back- Can I ask an honest question?

I know it's your festival and you've got to be, you know, balanced

but if we do badly...

how likely is it that we'll get like bottles of piss and stuff thrown at us?

Erm, I think that that's highly likely.

No, no, you'll be fine. They're cool.

What? I don't think- Have you ever seen a cup of piss be thrown?

What? I don't think- Have you ever seen a cup of piss be thrown?

I've been covered in it. (ALL LAUGH)

Now, we've got artists' wristbands because we are officially artists.

Now, we've got artists' wristbands because we are officially artists.

Yep.

What's the life of an artist at this festival? Any perks?

Well, we've got the artist area at the back

where all the bands mix in with one another.

where all the bands mix in with one another.

Showers? The showers are there, yeah.

You can also get tattooed here.

Oh wow, hello. That's a great idea. Yeah, yeah.

Oh wow, hello. That's a great idea. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you'll have a load of fun back there.

Cheers, Andy. Thank you very much, Andy.

Enjoy the first act.

But our complimentary tattoos would have to wait

But our complimentary tattoos would have to wait

because the gates had opened and thousands of fans were flooding in.

# LIMP BIZKIT: Nookie #

First up was the opening set from Japanese metalcore band Hanabie

we headed side of stage to get a taste of the action

we headed side of stage to get a taste of the action

and hopefully some pointers for tomorrow.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Oh, this is mental.

Oh, this is mental.

Oh my god, Rom.

Look how busy that is already.

There's quite a few people here, mate.

This is the first band on and it's absolutely ramo.

Yeah. This is gonna be a sea of people.

Imagine that but angry tomorrow cos we're being shit.

Imagine that with a cup of piss on your face.

Imagine that with a cup of piss on your face.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Download!

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

(DEEP HEAVY METAL GROWL)

Hanabie had kicked off the festival in style.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

And we weren't the only ones enjoying the show.

There's a mosh, they're moshing. Holy shit.

Ali G just got headbutted!

Ali G just got headbutted!

There's a banana, Ali G, mushroom head.

It's like a stag do that's got out of hand.

That's the best Ali G outfit I've seen in years.

Yeah, coz you ain't seen one for about 15 years.

But as the size of the crowd grew, so did our anxiety levels.

But as the size of the crowd grew, so did our anxiety levels.

Rob, I don't want to freak you out,

just have a look at how many people there are.

Oh my god. That's gonna be us.

(CROWD CHEERS)

We love you!

Watching Hanabie pull off a stunning show

Watching Hanabie pull off a stunning show

was making us nervous about our performance tomorrow.

We needed to rehearse

but as the guys from Bleed weren't here yet,

Andy had hooked us up with another band playing the festival.

Andy had hooked us up with another band playing the festival.

I'll be honest with ya, when you told me we were gonna meet Wheatus

I went "Huh" and then you went # I'm just a teenage... #

I went "Huh" and then you went # I'm just a teenage... #

I went, "Bring me to Wheatus."

We were meeting frontman Brendon B Brown on his tour bus

and the vibe was way more chilled than the Hanabie set.

and the vibe was way more chilled than the Hanabie set.

Hello. Oh, hello.

Crumpets? Yeah, you want one?

Smells amazing. I'm good thank you.

Romesh, how's it going? Rob, lovely to meet you.

Romesh, how's it going? Rob, lovely to meet you.

Obviously you are well experienced as a performer at these festivals,

you've done it for years and years.

It's our first time tomorrow,

It's our first time tomorrow,

now we're sorta struggling a little bit in different ways.

Romesh is quite a good singer and he's got a good voice,

but he stands quite awkwardly on stage, not knowing what to do.

but he stands quite awkwardly on stage, not knowing what to do.

I can't sing and I'm not very good at remembering the words

but I do give it some.

My problem is we're both stand-ups by trade,

My problem is we're both stand-ups by trade,

I look like I'm delivering a stand-up routine while singing Enter Sandman which is not ideal.

When you're standing up there in comedy,

you're basically having a conversation.

you're basically having a conversation.

It's like a volley with the audience.Yes.

Music is a little bit more kinetic,

it has motion and the feeling comes from the motions

it has motion and the feeling comes from the motions

so you're not telling people how to feel,

you're showing them how to feel.

Oh.

Oh.

That a mind-blowing bit of advice, isn't it?

Yeah. I actually feel like you've changed-

The whole way you look at the world. Yeah. That was amazing.

The whole way you look at the world. Yeah. That was amazing.

You can't hide anything from an audience.

In music you have to admit everything.

What am I showing them when I'm-

You're showing them so much. I'd say you're showing too much.

You're showing them so much. I'd say you're showing too much.

Yeah, coz I'm nearly licking the neck of the guitar.

The crowd when he's going for it they'll go,

"We could do with seeing a little less, actually."

Are you big metal fan?

Are you big metal fan?

Yeah. My first two favourite rock bands were AC/DC and Metallica.

Right. Yeah.

I have three copies of Injustice For All on vinyl,

I have three copies of Injustice For All on vinyl,

that's my favourite Metallica record.

We're doing Enter Sandman, have you heard that one?Yeah. Yeah.

"Have you heard of that one?" I have heard it. Yeah.

"Have you heard of that one?" I have heard it. Yeah.

That's a fair question, isn't it? Is it not a fair question?

It's one of the songs- It is one of the songs, yeah.

Have you heard Enter Sandman? Yeah. Quite a bit.

Have you heard Enter Sandman? Yeah. Quite a bit.

See if we didn't know that you weren't into metal, we know now.

(LAUGHS) What? That I'm not?

Excuse me, mate, I've got it written on me.

It wasn't the best start for me.

It wasn't the best start for me.

And now I was trying to show I could belt out Enter Sandman

without sounding like the Cookie Monster.

Shall I accompany you? Yeah.

That'll be great, yeah. Right.

That'll be great, yeah. Right.

I haven't played this song in a minute

but I think I remember how it goes.

Shall we just go straight in with the vocals?Yeah, yeah.

Shall we just go straight in with the vocals?Yeah, yeah.

(STRUMS GUITAR)

Right, you tell me when we start. OK, just go now.

# Say your prayers, little one

# Don't forget, my son

# Don't forget, my son

# To include everyone

# I tuck you in, warm within, keep you free from sin

# I tuck you in, warm within, keep you free from sin

# 'Til the sandman, he comes

# Sleep with one eye open

# Gripping your pillow tight

# Gripping your pillow tight

# Exit light

# Enter night

# Enter night

# Take my hand

# We're off to never-never land

# We're off to never-never land

What do you think? Absolutely fantastic.

Yes!

I feel like I was locking with your eyes quite a lot-

You see that was part of the intensity of it, you know?

You see that was part of the intensity of it, you know?

You had a bit- What d'you think of that?

The unbroken eye contact? It's scary.

In a good way or is it sort of creepy?

No, it's creepy and then it's become something else

No, it's creepy and then it's become something else

and then it's "Why is he still doing it?"

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, I think the singing was a bit off, it feels-

Yeah, I think the singing was a bit off, it feels-

(PLANE SOARS OVERHEAD) What's that? Oh, it's a plane.

Metallica's manager is here to stop it.

(LAUGHS)

Brendon's reaction was the confidence boost we needed

Brendon's reaction was the confidence boost we needed

but before we left there was an opportunity we couldn't miss.

# WHEATUS: Teenage Dirtbag #

# WHEATUS: Teenage Dirtbag #

Teenage Dirtbag is the anthem of my youth.

All about this sort of loser kid

All about this sort of loser kid

trying to get the attention of this girl.

At the end of the song, the girl says "I actually like you,"

just like my childhood except for the last bit.

My song would end with me going home alone and masturbating while crying.

My song would end with me going home alone and masturbating while crying.

It was a pinch-yourself moment,

we were gonna have a crack at accompanying Brendon in a sing-along.

we were gonna have a crack at accompanying Brendon in a sing-along.

(SINGS TEENAGE DIRTBAG)

# 'Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

# Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag-

# Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag-

I think we're ruining it. Yeah, we are ruining it.

Can we just listen to him?

# Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me

# Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me

(HIGH PITCHED SINGING)

Perfect. You guys are killing me.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I don't know if I'm doing it right.

Any tips to get that high?

Now open your nasal passages and bring your eyebrows up higher.

Now open your nasal passages and bring your eyebrows up higher.

(HIGH PITCHED SINGING)

(BADLY ATTEMPTS HIGH PITCHED SINGING)

(BADLY ATTEMPTS HIGH PITCHED SINGING)

It's fucking mental.

(LAUGHS) OK. Why are you laughing?

Because you're perfect, I didn't expect it but-

When you're perfect... I'm laughing with joy.

It's joyful. It feels like you're laughing coz it-

OK, um, I'm gonna do the higher one.

OK. OK, so you ready for this?

OK. OK, so you ready for this?

Let's do it. One, two, three.

(HIGH PITCHED SINGING)

(HIGH PITCHED SINGING)

Yeah, OK.

Yeah, OK.

# WHEATUS: Teenage Dirtbag #

(LAUGHS)

You gonna eat your crumpet? Oh, yeah.

Would you like a bite? No, thank you.

Would you like a bite? No, thank you.

Well, I'm just gonna go ahead then. Yeah, you go for it.

Got a lot of butter on there.

Got a lot of butter on there.

(LAUGHS)

# GUNS N' ROSES: Welcome To The Jungle #

# GUNS N' ROSES: Welcome To The Jungle #

We were at Download Festival

preparing to perform in front of 40,000 heavy metal fans tomorrow.

We'd met Wheatus frontman Brendon B Brown and got some performance tips.

You're not telling people how to feel,

You're not telling people how to feel,

you're showing them how to feel.

Oh.

Now we needed to soak up the Download atmosphere

Now we needed to soak up the Download atmosphere

and we were gonna do it in style.

You can also get tattooed here. Oh, wow, hello!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great idea.

This is my chance to embrace my inner metalhead

and potentially impress the boys from Bleed.

Hello mate. How you doing?

You're the guy to come to get inked up right?Yeah, man.

You're the guy to come to get inked up right?Yeah, man.

Bleed From Within logo, yeah? Yeah.

Great. Rob, where you getting yours?

I'm not gonna get one.

I'm not gonna get one.

I haven't got any tattoos and I don't wanna start now

with one that says Bleed From Within,

OK.

You don't have to get one. Yeah, but it's free though innit?

You don't have to get one. Yeah, but it's free though innit?

Can you do a full back? If it's free.

How naked do you need me? Where are you getting it done?

Come on. You can't inner thigh, that's mental.

Come on. You can't inner thigh, that's mental.

I'm doing it here.

Let's have a look, what's it look like there?

I've had plenty of tattoos before but never backstage at a festival.

I've had plenty of tattoos before but never backstage at a festival.

Perfect.

This feels like I'm in a field hospital.

Will it hurt? Yeah.

Will it hurt? Yeah.

You know what, it's gonna look so good.

That's the thing, isn't it? You've got to suffer for beauty.

Every single holiday you ever go on

Every single holiday you ever go on

people will say "What's Bleed From Within?"

and you go "Oh I was doing a TV show and I've got a tattoo"

and then they say to you, "Are you OK?"

We know the answer to that, don't we? (LAUGHS)

We know the answer to that, don't we? (LAUGHS)

My tattoo artist Darren hadn't even turned on the tattoo gun

and I'd already realised having Rob with me was a huge mistake.

Looks like it's gonna hurt there coz there's not a lot of flesh.

Looks like it's gonna hurt there coz there's not a lot of flesh.

Really it's on the shin, isn't it? (LAUGHS) Yeah.

Are you ready dude? I'm ready yeah.

Excellent.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, I'm gonna start on a shitty bit I'm afraid.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, yeah, that is painful.

I was in a bad way and Rob wasn't helping.

What have we learnt? You can do too many series of something.

Half an hour of searing pain later...

There you go, dude. We're done?

..it was over.

..it was over.

But after what I'd just experienced,

it was hard to tell if it was worth it.

There you go.

What are you hoping their reaction will be?

What are you hoping their reaction will be?

I'm slightly nervous now that it's gonna be indifference.

"Oh, cool, thanks, yeah, wicked. Yeah."

No, I think they'll love it.

No, I think they'll love it.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

The big reveal would have to wait until tomorrow though

as day one was drawing to a close

as day one was drawing to a close

and we had to wrap our heads around performing in front of our biggest crowd yet.

So, we headed to the artist area to meet up with festival veterans...

So, we headed to the artist area to meet up with festival veterans...

Queens of the Stone Age.

# QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE: Go With The Flow #

Having sold millions of records

Having sold millions of records

and topped the bill at some of the world's biggest festivals...

..they were just getting ready for their headline set.

..they were just getting ready for their headline set.

Hello, lads, you alright?

And we had time for a quick chat before we watched them perform.

Nice to meet you. Very exciting, this.

Pre-show drink?

Pre-show drink?

Yeah! What we having?

Tequila. It's called "The pants off, dance off."

OK. You first.

Feels like a really intense stag do.

Feels like a really intense stag do.

Tequila probably wasn't the best idea at the start of the interview

but we were going with the flow.

To a night you'll never remember.

To a night you'll never remember.

Oh, God.

(COUGHS)

Is this normal pre-show vibes? Yeah. Vitamin T.

Is this normal pre-show vibes? Yeah. Vitamin T.

How prepared are you for the show?

Do you know exactly what your set is, you know what you're doing?

Every night is different, you know?

Every night is different, you know?

The only thing that's consistent

is making mistakes and drinking tequila.

Right.

We're performing tomorrow, right-

We're performing tomorrow, right-

Yeah, what are you doing tomorrow?

What we're doing... we're performing Enter Sandman.

Any actual advice for us, really, tomorrow?

Any actual advice for us, really, tomorrow?

The key to what you're doing tomorrow, though, is that...

it's actually too late.

Whatever's gonna happen, it's already too late, it's gonna happen.

Go up and be yourself and it's fine.

Go up and be yourself and it's fine.

There's no point in us prepping for tomorrow.

I recommend you try to unlearn all the prep. Get it out at rehearsal.

D'you want another one?

D'you want another one?

I'm loving metal. I don't know if it's the tequila or bloody riffs.

Either way, I'm in.

But I am doing this responsibly.

But I am doing this responsibly.

This is such- (LAUGHS)

Here we go. (BOTH LAUGH)

Shall we go again? Yeah.

Shall we go again? Yeah.

I was buzzing to be getting into the festival vibe

but Rob, in true Beckett style, was getting over-excited.

Top us up. What are you doing?

Top us up. What are you doing?

Fuck you. Don't tell me what to do. I'm enjoying myself.

You know, that's the time when you know it's working.

There we go. Thank you. Rob, in all seriousness.

There we go. Thank you. Rob, in all seriousness.

Oh, shut up! Let's zip it, Rob. Pace yourself.

Fuck off! (ALL CHEER)

This guy!

I have gone too fast actually.

I have gone too fast actually.

It's not every day that you have a drink with Queens of the Stone Age.

In short, I've had 4 in 3 minutes.

It's too much, man!

It's too much, man!

I actually haven't fully consented to this.

I'm lit.

I'm hammered.

I'm hammered.

I'm at the level of hammered which is like...

I love metal, I love Download.

It's great, right?

It's great, right?

I'm drunk.

Can I just say, just in the short time of being around you,

you just seem incredibly cool and authentic.

you just seem incredibly cool and authentic.

We haven't got that about us, you know what I mean?

You seem a bit uptight, babe. D'you know what you need?

(LAUGHTER)

I'm so drunk.

Goodbye, eye.

Problem is... it might go all the way back.

Problem is... it might go all the way back.

It's gonna just roll into the back of my head.

I'll never see it again, like Fetty Wap.

You don't know how happy you're making me right now.

You don't know how happy you're making me right now.

Yeah, feels great. I actually feel fully charged.

I'm ready to go, ready to watch. Yeah.

You're like, "I'm ready TO WATCH!" Ready to watch some decent music.

You're like, "I'm ready TO WATCH!" Ready to watch some decent music.

I'm so pissed you look like Michael McIntyre at this point.

That means nothing to him.

(LAUGHS)

Guys, that was so good. A pleasure. Thank you.

Guys, that was so good. A pleasure. Thank you.

Thanks for being so welcoming.

You didn't have to do that, thank you.Cheers.

The lads' set was starting soon so while they went off to prepare...

The lads' set was starting soon so while they went off to prepare...

We had to get ourselves over to the stage.

But right now, it was touch and go if Rom could make it.

None of this can go in.

I spoke to St John's Ambulance. They're waiting- come this way.

They'll just give you some um...

They'll just give you some um...

Am I worse than him?

(SLURRED WORDS): Am I honestly worse than him?

They're nodding. Am I really that bad?

No, you're great, you're good.

No, you're great, you're good.

You can't put any of this in, man.

I've been on a non-alcohol diet for like about 6 months.

I've been on a non-alcohol diet for like about 6 months.

(GIGGLES)

It was rammed at the main stage

and we were lucky enough to have a great spot to watch from.

Oh, this is mental.

Oh, this is mental.

Here? Rob, what a life, man.

We're stood here?

Rob? Yeah?

Have I been embarrassing? You haven't been embarrassing.

Have I been embarrassing? You haven't been embarrassing.

You're just a 45-year-old man, relaxing, having a good time.

You've been great.

I know but you've gotta be honest with me because I'm drunk.

I know but you've gotta be honest with me because I'm drunk.

You are a little bit- I'd say you were little bit merry.

You're a bit tipsy. But I'm looking after you,

you're gonna watch Queens of the Stone Age and have a really good time.

you're gonna watch Queens of the Stone Age and have a really good time.

You're not being bad but I wouldn't drink any more alcohol.

I'm just quite good with spirits.

My piece to camera over there was bad.

My piece to camera over there was bad.

When you spoke to the camera people?

I think it was great. I think they got the real Romesh.

It's nice for the audience to see you let your hair down.

It's nice for the audience to see you let your hair down.

You've been working a lot.

It's hard being me.

What? It's hard being you?

Yeah. You don't realise. Yeah? What's difficult?

It's just that I'm on all the time. You know what I mean?

I know, you're on the telly a lot.

I'm not- I'm not being told that I'm doing too much by this prick!

I'm not- I'm not being told that I'm doing too much by this prick!

(LAUGHS) I've sobered up.

What the fuck do you think you're playing at?

"Oh, I've got kids. Listen to what they've done!"

"Oh, I've got kids. Listen to what they've done!"

"Mum, it's hard, isn't it?"

(LAUGHS) Fuck off!

(ROCK MUSIC)

(ROCK MUSIC)

Queens of the Stone Age were set to make their big entrance soon

but in the meantime, we caught some attention.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

Being charged up with tequila

when you've got a captive audience of 80,000 is asking for trouble.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

Rob and Rom!

No, just Rom. Just Rom.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

(LAUGHS)

Give me that tin and I'll down it.

(CROWD CHEERS)

And it didn't take long for us to pop up on social media.

And it didn't take long for us to pop up on social media.

Two tequila-fuelled clowns living our best life.

(CROWD CHEERS)

But now we'd started, the crowd wanted more.

But now we'd started, the crowd wanted more.

(CROWD BOOS) We needed a big finish.

What we gonna do?I dunno. We need to think of something though.

Let's hug and kiss. Yeah, OK.

Let's hug and kiss. Yeah, OK.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(LAUGHS)

Properly kissed you there.

We really kissed! (LAUGHS)

After that kiss, we didn't have anywhere else to go.

After that kiss, we didn't have anywhere else to go.

So it was a massive relief to hear that

the band were on their way to the stage.

They got a great reception

and they could thank us later for warming up the crowd.

and they could thank us later for warming up the crowd.

# QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE: Little Sister #

Fucking hell!

They'd only just started and we were already blown away.

They'd only just started and we were already blown away.

But the tequila was starting to wear off.

Concerns for tomorrow. Hangover, self-doubt, loathing.

Concerns for tomorrow. Hangover, self-doubt, loathing.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Looking on the bright side though,

at least my hangover wouldn't be as bad as Rom's.

at least my hangover wouldn't be as bad as Rom's.

And we'd got an amazing piece of advice about a performance tomorrow.

Queens of the Stone Age went, "You'll be alright."

Queens of the Stone Age went, "You'll be alright."

"Just be."

"You are in the hands of fate."

I'm gonna go out there.

I can't sing but I've got earplugs and confidence.

I can't sing but I've got earplugs and confidence.

We are deep in heavy metal at Download Festival.

We are deep in heavy metal at Download Festival.

They're moshing!

We'd spent the past few days prepping for a big live performance

in front of 40,000 hardcore metal fans.

in front of 40,000 hardcore metal fans.

(HEAVY METAL GROWL) # Exit light

Just does sound a bit Sesame Street.

But then, Queens of the Stone Age pulled out the tequila.

But then, Queens of the Stone Age pulled out the tequila.

To a night you'll never remember.

And the wheels came off.

I'm hammered.

(CROWD CHEERS) Rob & Rom!

(CROWD CHEERS) Rob & Rom!

(LAUGHS)

We had the night of our lives...

but we were gonna pay for it.

but we were gonna pay for it.

# BLACK SABBATH: War Pigs #

The morning after Tequila-geddon, we had a lot to discuss.

The morning after Tequila-geddon, we had a lot to discuss.

(LAUGHS)

Come on.

I feel so irritable.

You are in an aggie mood. I can sense it already.

You are in an aggie mood. I can sense it already.

(GROANS)

Well... How do you think that went?

Can we just have quite a frank chat? Um.

Can we just have quite a frank chat? Um.

This feels like, you know when two people have to have a chat on TOWIE

after what happened at a nightclub?

What do you think was the low point?

What do you think was the low point?

Um. Look, Rom, let's cut the crap.

Let's cut the crap. We kissed.

I know. OK.

I was working up to that.

I was working up to that.

That's the headline. Let's work the bullet points out later.

OK. You kissed me.

I kissed you?

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I think it was a 50/50.

I think it was a Brexit split. 49/51.

And I couldn't tell you which- I didn't initiate that.

And I couldn't tell you which- I didn't initiate that.

Why did you have your mouth open? Huh?

Because I was waiting for tongue!

Because I was waiting for tongue!

(LAUGHS)

I don't know why we did that.

I was so carried away. I felt like-

'cause all the crowd were cheering at us that we should do something.

'cause all the crowd were cheering at us that we should do something.

That tequila really-

It's really strong, isn't it, tequila?It's really strong.

It's a good job we've got nothing big to do today.

D'you know what would be a nightmare?

D'you know what would be a nightmare?

Is it if we had to perform Enter Sandman on one of the stages?

# RAMMSTEIN: Deutschland #

With just a few hours to go before our performance,

we had to get our heads straight fast.

we had to get our heads straight fast.

So we were meeting our Bleed From Within bandmates, Scott and Ali, for a pep talk.

Yes, lads! How's it going?

Yes, lads! How's it going?

Good to see you.

Have you got the metal hat on already?Yeah.

I didn't know it had ears until I bought it.

It doesn't look like horns.

It doesn't look like horns.

It looks like Mickey with the tits on his head.

(LAUGHS)

You're the most Scottish person that ever existed.

(ALL LAUGH)

(ALL LAUGH)

At this stage, we're in a very low mood after yesterday.

How was yesterday? Actually rock bottom, mate.

How was yesterday? Actually rock bottom, mate.

Really? Last night, man, it was like...

Just wait till you get ours tonight.

How do we get outta this funk for the performance?

I would say just have a beer. Right.OK.

I would say just have a beer. Right.OK.

Well, look, have you got any sort of

last words of advice to get us sort of pumped up?

Just enjoy it. Enjoy it.

What are you wearing on stage so we match?

What are you wearing on stage so we match?

Black jeans, black shirt.

At the moment, you look like a suspicious teacher on a scout trip.

(LAUGHS) Which subject?

Biology.

Biology.

You look like you teach football to school.

You see, I know. We'll go and get changed.

Yeah, let's get changed.

See you later, boys.

See you later, boys.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Bleed From Within were about to perform.

We got our look sorted

We got our look sorted

and now we were really gonna find out what we've let ourselves in for.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

Let's go Download!

Moshpits!

This is insane.

I actually feel sick.

I actually feel sick.

The fear had hit us big time.

The fear had hit us big time.

But we had to get prepared to get on stage.

I- I don't think I've got this right.

This is big, man.

Look. It's about 50,000 people.

The Bleed lads were whipping up the crowd and they were loving it.

But I was just about holding it together.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

(HEAVY METAL SINGING)

Fuck this! Can we go?

Fuck this! Can we go?

Download!

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

(CROWD CHEERS)

Download, thank you guys so fucking much!

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

So, now we're allowed to have one more surprise for you guys Download.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

We've a couple of friends backstage...

(CROWD CHEERS)

..and their dream was to play on stage at Download Festival.

..and their dream was to play on stage at Download Festival.

And we're gonna bring them out

is that alright with you, Download?

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

Please welcome to the stage...

(BAND PLAYS "ENTER SANDMAN")

Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan!

Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan!

(CROWD CHEERS) Yes, Download!

Let's fucking have it!

Let's fucking have it!

Download make some noise!

1, 2, 3 - Go!

(ROCK MUSIC)

(ROCK MUSIC)

(ROB AND ROMESH SING STRONG HEAVY METAL VOCALS)

(ROB AND ROMESH SING STRONG HEAVY METAL VOCALS)

# Exit Light

# Enter night

# Enter night

# Take my hand

# We're off to never-never land

# We're off to never-never land

(ROCK MUSIC)

# Yeah (GUITAR SOLO)

ALRIGHT, DOWNLOAD, I NEED TO HEAR YOU!

LETS FUCKING GO!

LETS FUCKING GO!

PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

(CROWD CHEERS) (ROB/ROMESH SING HEAVY METAL VOCALS)

(CROWD CHEERS) (ROB/ROMESH SING HEAVY METAL VOCALS)

# Exit light

# Enter night

# Enter night

# Take my hand

# We're off to never-never land

# We're off to never-never land

Download, make some noise! (CROWD CHEERS)

Bleed From Within!

Bleed From Within!

Makes some fucking noise for Bleed From Within!

(CROWD CHEERS)

Download!

Download!

Make some noise for Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan!

(CROWD CHEERS)

Have a good fucking weekend!

(CROWD CHEERS) # KISS: God Gave Rock 'N Roll To You #

That was fucking mega.

That was fucking mega.

Unbelievable, well done.

Mate! Unreal!

The fucking sleeveless!

The guns came out! (LAUGHS)

The guns came out! (LAUGHS)

You came up leaps and bounds, mate.

Rob's a fucking star!

Mate, thank you so much.

Mate, thank you so much.

We'd smashed Download and the boys from Bleed seemed happy.

But I still had one more surprise.

Now, I've just looked and it's pretty disgusting, but...

Now, I've just looked and it's pretty disgusting, but...

because I've had such a great experience

and you guys have looked after us so well.

No fucking way! Whoa! (ALL LAUGH AND CHEER)

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

(LAUGHS)

Mate, honestly! Oh my God, Rom!

You are branded for life, mate. (LAUGHS)

Where's your fucking tattoo? I've got no sleeves!

Where's your fucking tattoo? I've got no sleeves!

Did you get your belly button pierced?

No, but I'll get off with you if you want.

(ALL LAUGH)

Can't believe we did that.

When you were 16 and you started First Conviction,

did you think it'd end up... me and you...

did you think it'd end up... me and you...

joining Bleed From Within,

performing at Download,

doing a cover of Enter Sandman,

after speaking to Wheatus on a tour bus,

after speaking to Wheatus on a tour bus,

after having some drinks with Queens of the Stone Age.

Yeah, I did actually. (LAUGHS) OK.

That was actually the vision I had. Nice foresight.

That was actually the vision I had. Nice foresight.

It was sort of divided between imagining that

and just hoping a girl would say "Yes."

But what I would say is, when we first started this,

But what I would say is, when we first started this,

I thought we're gonna walk on, they're gonna think,

"These are two imposters" and start throwing piss.

But actually...

everyone we've come into contact with from this world

everyone we've come into contact with from this world

they've been lovely. Not even a sniff of piss.

D'you know what, I felt pretty sexy up there.

You made a breakthrough.

What, with what?

What, with what?

'Cause, musically, you are shit, aren't you?

You've got no ability. You can't even listen to it.

You just don't have anything musical about you.

You just don't have anything musical about you.

No rhythm, you can't identify melody, you're tone deaf.

Your voice sounds horrible.

You just don't have anything musical about you-

Are you gonna do the nice bit?

Are you gonna do the nice bit?

Today you did alright.

# AC/DC: Highway To Hell #

You really, really did alright.

Right. I'd call that a success.

Right. I'd call that a success.

To metal. To metal.

Yeah?

Right, shall we go and have a drink?

Come on, guys. Let's go have a drink.

Come on, guys. Let's go have a drink.

Feel a bit like I'm having a midlife crisis, don't you?

Yeah.

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