Original subtitles

ROB: 'Rom and I are back...'

(ROMESH SINGS) (SINGS)

'Ready to throw ourselves into the most weird...'

Bad guy. (LAUGHS)

'..and wonderful worlds.' Yeah!

MAN: Yes! Yes!

'Together we're going on a journey of discovery.'

Is that your card? Yes.

Right there, the three of clubs.

'To find out what we like...'

What you saying, Jim? Hey!

Yeah!

'..and what we don't.'

Oh Jesus. Don't look down.

(LAUGHS) Can I have a poo bag, please?

Oh God.

'This week, we're going old school.'

I'm pretty sure my trousers are gonna fall down.Perfect.

'As we go on a mission to become classical music maestros,

by joining the world famous London Philharmonic Orchestra.'

Lou's got one of these in her bedroom drawer,

I didn't know she was a conductor.

'On a journey through some of music's greatest hits...'

No! '..before performing

at the one and only Royal Festival Hall in London.'

(APPLAUSE) I feel sick.

# DELINQUENT HABITS: The Kind #

OK, Rob. Classical music.

We've been asked to perform at the Royal Festival Hall

in a big classical performance. Yeah.

Do you ever listen to classical? No.

What never, ever, ever? No.

Can you imagine us finishing this episode being into classical music?

Absolutely not. I've...

Do you know what? And I don't wanna sound...

Well, actually, I don't care what I sound like.

Maybe I am a thick idiot, but I...

Don't think you need the "maybe". I've found what I like.

Yeah. I don't need new things.

So, you're closed off? I think I am closed off.

And people go, like, "Oh, you get old, you're narrow-minded."

Well, yeah, maybe I am. Yeah.

But maybe... Am I narrow-minded or have I just found what I like?Yeah.

You're not narrow-minded for being a faithful husband, are you?No.

I found what I like and it's Louise. Yeah.

And also, you've got no options. What?

I've got no options? (LAUGHS)

Come on, mate. Still got a bit left in the tank.

(CHUCKLES) But nobody wants it.

(BOTH LAUGH)

# BUSDRIVER FT. D-STYLES: Imaginary Places #

I tell you what looks easy, conducting.

Cos they all know how to play the instrument

and the music's in front of them, what the hell are you doing?

Yeah, I don't get conducting.

Did you do any instruments when you were younger that might be helpful?

So, when I was a kid, I started playing the piano...

Here we go. ..and the clarinet.

Oh, now, here he is. (LAUGHS)

Sorry, are you a posh white boy? I think I might be.

It's only the brownness that gave me a bit of edge.

A brown guy with a clarinet. Yeah.

Have you ever played an instrument? Well...

I did recorder when I was in my first year of primary school,

I remember walking in, a big bucket full of recorders,

and I picked up the recorder, I was playing it,

I got sent out of the classroom for being bad on purpose.

I was actually trying my best.

I stood outside and pissed myself.

Oh, my. Last time I played an instrument.

Sounds horrible. That must affect your life heavily

whenever you come across a recorder. (LAUGHS)

What do you reckon will happen if we try to do classical music?

I think I'm gonna have a flashback to when I was a kid.

There's a danger that I will burst into tears and piss myself.Mmm.

And I could be doing that on stage in front of an orchestra.OK.

Well I'm looking forward to this performance more than I was before you said that.

So, at the moment, you've had this traumatic...

You've got a traumatic thing sitting in the back of your mind.Yeah.

Now, we're gonna be doing a performance

with the London Philharmonic Orchestra...Yes.

At the Royal Festival Hall. Yes.

You are gonna have the chance...

This is redemption! Yeah.

Who's playing the recorder now, bitch?(LAUGHS)

'In six days' time, we'd be performing

with the London Philharmonic Orchestra, AKA the LPO,

in front of a sell-out crowd at the Royal Festival Hall.

Founded 90 years ago, the orchestra is world-renowned.

And now, they had to accommodate us...

two comedians with virtually no knowledge of classical music.

We needed to get up to speed fast,

so the LPO had arranged for us to meet

musician and broadcaster Jess Gillam MBE...'

Nice to meet you, Jess. Hiya, how you doing?

'..who was gonna give us the most basic of basic lessons.'

We're in a bit of a situation... Right.

..because we're doing a show about classical music.Yeah.Yeah.

And neither of us know anything about it, or what's good.

I've gotta be honest with you, Jess.

I've got a bit of a dark past with instruments.

At school I got sent out of a class

for being bad at the recorder on purpose,

in front of all the other kids,

but I was trying my best and I got sent out of the room,

and I stood out there and I pissed myself and cried,

So I'm trying to battle back from that.Can I just apologise, Jess?

Rob seems to think we've come here to meet a therapist.

(LAUGHS) Music can be therapy. Thank you.Yeah.

So, you- If you're told you're bad,

you don't do it, which I think is a real shame.

He's been told he's bad at comedy for years, he still goes.

Erm, my question to you is this... Part of the reason, I think,

neither Rob nor I've got into classical music

is we just don't think it's for us, you know?

And I think a lot of people have that,

where you just think it's for, like, older, kind of, posh people.

And... do you understand that preconception?

Is it something you've come across? Yeah, absolutely. I would say I...

I felt like that, probably, when I was younger

before I just started listening to it for what it was,

rather than thinking, "This is for this person, it's not for me."Yeah.

See, I miss- I miss the frontman or frontwoman

'cause you like, when you like a band,

it's Oasis, the Gallagher brothers, or Florence and The Machine,

they've got such personality that they bring to all the songs.

I don't even know what Mozart looks like.

But I think the performers are often-

And Beethoven, I think of the dog, I'm sorry.

Yeah. I think of the dog with Beethoven.

You must get that, sorry. Sorry about that.

But then they're composers so then the performers...

So, they never perform it? Er, some composers perform it.

Some would've-Beethoven very rarely performs now though, doesn't he?

I mean, he's... Why not?

(QUIET LAUGHTER)

He's dead, isn't he? You don't know if...

Is he dead? He's dead isn't he, Jess? Yeah.

Yeah, he is. He is, yeah. OK.

We probably don't have to include that.(LAUGHING)

As first impressions go then,

it wasn't the start I was hoping for.

But thankfully, Jess wasn't ready to give up on me just yet.

So, let's see what pieces you might know.

You might not know that you know some classical music.Oh, no, I-

I don't, you know, I'm open- I'm open minded,

it's just something I've not listened to really, before.Mmm.

Well, tell me if you know who it's by.Yep.

OK.And if you know the piece, even better.

(MUSIC BEGINS)

Oh!

What is it? It sounds so familiar. Is this from a TV thing?

Er, it has big use in a film.

Harry Potter? Er, no.

Swan Lake?

Yeah! It's Swan Lake.

Tchaikovsky, Swan Lake. Oh my God, Rob!My guy.

I'm actually proud of you, man. Yeah.

I mean- (MOCKINGLY) What's a swan?

(LAUGHS) Woah! OK.

It's not nice, I'm getting flashbacks.

(MOCKS) So, it's a swan on lake? I'm getting flashbacks. I'm-

I'm- I'm starting to piss. Do you want that?

I reckon you can get this one, Rob.

OK. (MUSIC BEGINS)

Apprentice. Lord Alan Sugars. Do you know what-

Do you know what the original is? Nick Hewer.

Robinovsky?Pardon? I just guessed it.

He said Robinovsky. No.No.

What kind of drama- It's Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah!How do you know that?! What's going on?!

How the hell- This is why I'm good at quizzes.

How the hell did you know that? I don't know it's in there.

Is it from Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, it is.

By a composer called Prokofiev.

Right. That's two in a row. What is- Sorry, what is...

So, I'm better than him? What is going on here?

Do you know what? I don't need to piss anymore.

(NEXT SONG BEGINS) Clearly Jess had unearthed

some classical music knowledge hidden deep within Rob.

And now, in typical Beckett fashion,

he was getting carried away.

(MUSIC BUILDS) That's nice.

It's by an American composer called Aaron Copland.

# AARON COPLAND: Hoedown #

I feel like...

I mean, I've never done drugs.

But I can imagine it's what it's like

when you've just done drugs and you walk into a room...

..and then you start to feel weird. One would feel weird.

Yeah, I think you covered yourself. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

("HOEDOWN" CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SONG STOPS) I reckon that's more...

more up your street. Yes.

So, you've got all these strings

and they play with something called vibrato.

Yeah. It sounds like singing,

so it becomes like a familiar sound that you associate...OK.

..with, like, being calm. And so, I like strings vibrato?

You like strings. I like strings vibrato.

Yeah.I wouldn't just say that out of context, it's weird.

(LAUGHS) Yeah. It would sound absolutely insane.

Would you listen again? I never put music on...

Any music.

I'm just thinking about your concert with LPO.Who are LPO?

Oh my God!Who you're playing with at the weekend.

(LAUGHING) Oh my God. (LAUGHS)

London Philharmonic Orchestra. Oh my God. Just...

Oh, yeah! Probably will be, yeah. I cannot.

Can you bel... I got con-

Who was ELP? ELO? ELO?

ELO. Electric Light Orchestra. No. Er, yeah.

They're a band, aren't they? Yeah.

What's the other one then? PLO, OLP? London, L,

Philharmonic, P, Orchestra- LPO.You said PLO?

That's the Palestinian Liberation Organisation.

What do they sound like?Well, we're playing with them Sunday.

(LAUGHTER) If this goes well.

ROMESH: 'Rob and I are teaming up

with the London Philharmonic Orchestra

for a special classical concert

at the iconic Royal Festival Hall.

We've had a beginner's lesson.'

I don't even know what Mozart looks like.

'And Rob had actually shown himself to be a bit of a dark horse.'

Swan Lake? Yeah!

It's Swan Lake. Tchaikovsky, Swan Lake.

Oh my God, Rob!

'With just five days to go before our performance,

we'd come to the LPO's rehearsal HQ

to meet our conductor, Matthew Lynch.'

Hello. Hi.

'He would be assessing our musical skills

so he could try to squeeze us into his orchestra.

Unfortunately, Rob's opinion

of Matthew's profession hadn't changed.'

Conducting, I still think is a bit of a blag.

Like, "You start, up you go, bit of that, less of that."

You can get away with it if you blag it enough.

'So, I had a feeling we were in for an interesting day.'

Hi. This weekend you're gonna be joining us for a show

at the Royal Festival Hall. How are you feeling about that?

Well, I think it's a mistake from both parties, really.

Erm, I don't think we should've agreed to do it,

I don't think the London Philharmonic Orchestra

should've agreed to let us take part, so...

And I'm the positive one but I agree with him.

(LAUGHS) We're very worried.

Well, um, we've got a bit of time so we can try and find out

if you have any musical talents,

and if so, what they are.

So, full disclosure, Rob thinks conducting's pointless.

Yeah?(QUIETLY) OK. Just to say...

He thinks it's a load of crap, and like, obviously...Yeah.

What he- What he said before we got here

was that musicians know what they're doing,

they've been practising all this time,

why do they need somebody waving a stick about? So...

Yeah, when I said that, I didn't expect you to be six foot five and built like a brick shithouse.

(LAUGHS) Erm...

Let's see if Rob's right and conducting really is that easy.

And erm... Yeah. Well, not easy,

he said it's a load of shit. OK, really is "a load of shit".

(LAUGHS)

So, I have some batons for you here.

Here we go. Ooh. Ooh.

Look at that. Oh, is this-

This is in a case. You have to pull the... pull one end off.

Lou's got one of these in her bedroom drawer,

I didn't know she was a conductor. (LAUGHS)

As first meetings go, it hadn't gone the smoothest.

Rom had dropped me in it, and now Matthew

was gonna throw us in the deep end.

Yeah, let's do it. I'm excited.This way.

'I'd obviously wound him up because he was challenging us

to conduct the full London Philharmonic Orchestra.'

(APPLAUSE)

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Meet Rob and Romesh.Hi, guys.

'But first, he was going to demo how it's done.'

OK. In the Hall of the Mountain King, please.

(ORCHESTRA BEGINS PLAYING)

Being in the room with all of those musicians,

it does feel incredible. When people, sort of, say

classical music has something that other music doesn't, I get it.

I will never, ever watch an Alton Towers advert the same way again.

(SONG CONCLUDES)

Wow.

Who's going first? Good luck, mate.Right.

It's quite stressful when you're stood up here, innit? (LAUGHS)

OK. Right, so... OK.

Did it start up?You've got this. No, stop that.

(SOME INSTRUMENTS PLAY FAINTLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(FAINT TUNE CONTINUES)

(ROB, ROMESH AND MATTHEW LAUGH)

I think he did that on purpose. (LAUGHTER)

I don't know what happened then, I felt like a dog at a fun fair.

I was like, "Something's going on, but is this involving me?"

They've not even started, the violins.What happened there?

What you do is, you go, one, two, three, four, five.

The vibe I'm getting from this episode is four is quite important.

I've got no idea what's going on but thanks for... helping. (LAUGHS)

I put a lot of the blame on the orchestra...

because you've gotta take a bit of responsibility in life,

and they know that song,

they know how it goes, they know what their part is.

Why you looking at me? I'm counting to five.

'I was enjoying watching Rob struggle.

And even though it didn't look easy,

I figured if I just counted to four, I stood a better chance.

(SEVERAL INSTRUMENTS PLAY TUNE)

(CHUCKLES)

Get a tiny bit faster.

'It wasn't the best start.

But thankfully, Matthew was there to put me back on track.

And faster.

Go on, Rom.

Go on Rom! Go Rom! Faster, faster, faster.

(SONG BUILDS, FULL ORCHESTRA PLAY)

Yeah.

Yes, Rom.

Yes! (LAUGHS)

Come on! Loves it.

(MUSIC SLOWS) Don't get slower!

(SPEEDS BACK UP) And again!

There we go.

(LAUGHS)

I'd got this far and compared to Rob I was on fire...

But that was thanks to a very forgiving orchestra.

And timpani!

And a lot of help from Matthew.

(SONG CONCLUDES) Woo!

(APPLAUSE)Yeah. Yes, Rom. Respect.

(SIGHS LOUDLY) Good work, mate.

'Rom had smashed it.' Unbelievable.

'And all I'd done was prove conducting was hard.

Clearly, we had a long way to go before our performance on Saturday.

So, next we were trying instruments.

But they weren't any easier.'

(LOW, WEAK NOTE)

'There were so many to try...'

Oh God.

'And they all required years to master.'

(UNPLEASANT SQUEAKING) (LAUGHS)This is too ambitious.

Do you think so(?) (LAUGHS)

'We'd almost exhausted all our options for the upcoming concert,

except for one.'

# LUCIANO PAVAROTTI & GIANCARLO CHIARAMELLO: 'O Sole Mio #

'Matthew had sent us to Venice

to try out a completely different classical discipline...

Opera.'

Gimme a little burst of opera.

I don't understand how singing works.

I just... open my mouth and hope.

Right. I just basically talk-

That's how all the greats do it. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I'm self-taught.

(SINGS) # What's-a-matter you? Hey!

# Why you lookin' so sad? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

# Oh, shaddap-a you face # Is that bad?

Obviously you can't sing Shaddap You Face!

Why not? Why is that bad?

Is it offensive? Shittest burn.

(LAUGHS)

Do you know what?

the many times I've thought about

the romance of getting on a gondola in Venice...Yeah?

I've always wished it was gonna be you

that I do this with for the first time.

Being on a gondola in Venice... Yeah?

..should be with your partner and it should be a beautiful-

Yeah, I am your partner. ..moment that you remember forever.

But now all I'll remember is you.

It's like the first time I saw breasts.

The first time you see a woman's breasts is a magical moment...

and if the first breasts I saw were yours, I'd be disappointed.

That's what's happening to me on this gondola.

'Our Venetian adventure had got off to a bad start

and we'd just been spotted on our little romantic cruise.'

(WOMAN SHOUTS)

What was that? (CHUCKLES)

"The BAFTAs were brilliant, don't listen to the press."

(LAUGHING) What have the press been saying?

Have you read any press from the BAFTAs?No.

That is literally the worst thing I could've heard.(LAUGHS)

"The BAFTAs were brilliant, don't listen to the press."

What did the press- Can I- Shall we- I can't even shout back.

That's the worst! If it was in the street,

I'd stop her and go, "What did they say?"

But she's just gone now, forever.

# The Barber Of Seville: Act I: Largo Al Factotum #

'For our first stop in Venice, the LPO had sent us

to meet Italian baritone, Maurizio Leoni.

They'd arranged for him to give us a crash course

in the art of opera singing.'

I'm Maurizio. Romesh.

Romesh.Hello Maurizio, I'm Rob, nice to meet you.

'But that's not all they planned.'

This evening, you have to sing

with the Musici Veneziani, OK?

it's a very important situation singing La Traviata.

(OPERATIC SINGING)

'For over 20 years, the Musici Veneziani

have been giving tourists a sample of the best opera has to offer.

Laying on a selection of classics from Mozart to Verdi,

they've been delighting opera lovers from around the world.

And tonight, we'd be joining the show live on stage.

So, we're gonna be performing in an opera...Yes.

..in Venice in one of your theatres? Yes.

Are you ready to study? Yes.I'm ready.

We need to start, we need to learn. OK, let's start. With a smile.

BOTH: Yes! OK...

This is too much. Yep. Go. (WHISPERS) Fuck.

'Maurizio's been teaching opera for almost 20 years,

so we were in safe hands.'

So, we have to start with breathing. The way is the diaphragm.

From the diaphragm. OK? From the diaphragm.

We have to exercise

to improve this, er, kind of breathing.Yep.

And I will teach some very strange exercise.OK.

You have to lie on the ground. I will explain why.

Front down, or back? Back.

For somebody to go,

"Welcome to your first opera lesson, lie down on the ground..."

Nobody's expecting that.

The exercise says take a huge book,

or the hand of your friend, it's up to you.

Ooh. I have to touch you, sorry.

Yeah. Oh. You, er...

I'm a fairly confident person but when you get your love handles jiggled...

Ooh! That's the worst bit you can touch

on anyone's body that you don't know.

Think about my hands, please.

Oh, that's all I can think about! (LAUGHS)

I don't even let Lou touch that bit.

You have to breathe from your nose, not from the mouth.OK.

Yes, this is the mistake!

(SIGHS) Nothing, nothing here, nothing!

Why's there so much touching?

Now count. Pardon?

To count in Italian. Count. OK.

(LAUGHS) It's a word, a bad word, I know.

I know! (LAUGHS)

Bad guy! (LAUGHTER)

Good guy, though. Like him, he's likeable with it.

You may do in English just- just because it is you.OK.

One, two, three, four...

I feel like I should be upset with what happened there,

but I enjoyed it, just felt like a bit of fun, bit of hijinks.

..thirteen, fourteen... More!More!

..sixteen, seventeen,

eighteen, nineteen, twenty. (LAUGHS) OK, OK.

Just a few lads touching each other in a room,

I don't mind it.

'Rob looked ready to tap out,

so it was my turn with Maurizio.'

He said, "I'm going to touch you, is that OK?"

May I? I'd love you to.

What I didn't realise, he was gonna touch me like that.

No! No! No. What? What? What you-

What you doing?Romesh! Why are you spanking me?

(LAUGHING) What are you spanking me for?Come on!

Get with it, Romesh! Why are you spanking my tits?

Give him a little slap, Maurizio. Bad boy.

Bad boy.

I have gone further with Maurizio than I have with most people I know.

Now...Oh, shit! I'm sorry.

I mean, he put his hands in... like, in... he tried to enter me.

(LAUGHS) I'm wet, sorry.

What? What'd you say? No!

I... It's so hot here.

Oh, I see!Right. OK, yeah, yeah, I feel wet too.

Yeah. Ah, bad boys.(LAUGHTER)

'Maurizio must have forgotten we'd be on stage in a matter of hours

because halfway through the lesson, we were still on the floor.'

You see? Yeah.

These muscles... helps the sound. You milking him?

'And with the clock ticking,

we were starting to wonder why we were planking.'

(LAUGHS) OK.

Don't slap my haunches. Bad boy!

But there was only so much

of Maurizio's unorthodox techniques we could take.

That plank's wobbling. (LAUGHS) Relax, relax, relax, OK.

'So, it was a relief when we finally started singing.'

Now we sing a phrase.

OK, yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

Tu mi vuoi.

Know the meaning? Tu mi vuoi- no.

If I say, tu mi vuoi.

Yeah? It's a question.

Yeah. Do you want me?

What's no in Italian?

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

It's up to you. OK.

There is a method in his madness because when you think about opera,

you think about... (SINGS LOW NOTES)

Like, it's all throat. But it isn't all throat, it's belly.

Pull here. OK.There you go.

Bad boy. Good boy.

# Tu...

(TOGETHER) # Tu mi vuoi...

Lovely!

Romesh has got an interesting volume.

So, not bad.

# Tu mi vuoi... (JOINS IN) OK.

For him, it's easier to repeat exactly.

# Vuoi... Bravo.

Rob needs a... a kick (LAUGHS)

(FLAT) # Tu mi vuoi... (JOINS IN)

(FLAT) # Tu mi vuoi...

# Tu! (WHIMPERS, LAUGHS) I don't think the touching helps me!

Bad boy.

'The lesson was nearly over,

and we still hadn't learnt a single lyric to La Traviata.

Fortunately, we had just enough time for one quick run through.'

(ALL SING, OUT OF TIME)

'But it didn't go well.'

We're performing an opera in about eight hours.

Having essentially been molested for 45 minutes.

(OUT OF TIME SINGING CONTINUES)

ALL: # La, la, la, la, la, la, laa #

No! No. (ROARS) No!

ROB: 'Our performance at London's Royal Festival Hall is days away,

and the London Philharmonic Orchestra

had sent us to Venice to try out opera.

But after a bizarre singing lesson with teacher Maurizio Leoni...'

Think about my hands, please. Ah, that's all I can think about!

ROMESH: 'We were feeling massively under-prepared

to perform with one of Venice's most highly regarded opera groups...

Musici Veneziani.'

How you doing?Nice to meet you. I am Oscar, nice to meet you.

'With the show not starting until later,

we still had time to rehearse,

but what we hadn't anticipated

was we'd be doing it with a full cast and orchestra.'

Hi! Ciao.

We're dead.

'Fortunately, Maurizio had agreed to join the performance

to help guide us through the next few hours.'

Romesh.Yep? This is your position.

Yep. Here. That's your position, here.

'We knew where we were standing.

Now we had to try to remember the words

and figure out our cue to sing.'

# Libiamo

# Libiamo ne' lieti calici...

'And that was easier said than done.'

# Libiamo... (ROMESH JOINS IN)

# Amore... Pfft!

I've got no idea when to come in.

It's a... complete disaster. What I'm starting to think

is we should've spent more time learning the song

and a little less time planking.

(ALL SING)

(QUIETLY) What the fuck...

# Tra voi tra voi sapro

What the fuck is going on?

I don't know what they're singing, I don't know what's happening,

they're just all screaming.

(ALL SING)

# Libiamo

(MUMBLES, HOLDS NOTE)

ALL: # La, la, la, la, la, la, laa...

(QUIETLY) The guy next to me said, "Follow what I'm doing."

He's singing a completely different line!

(ALL SING)

It's completely different Italian, I don't know that!

What is going on?

If anything, he's a distraction.

(ALL SING, ROB & ROMESH OUT OF TIME)

# La, la, la, la, la, la, laa... (ROB LAUGHS)

Do you know what? I loved it.

It felt mental.

I feel at home, I feel like I've joined the circus.

# La, la, la, la, la, la, laa

Neither I nor Rob know what we're doing,

the difference is Rob doesn't care.

(ALL SING) ROB: # Laa! Laa! La, laa!

# Laa! Laa! Laa!

(ALL SING LONG NOTE)

He's just like, "I've done it, my head goes a bit red."

I love that. I feel so alive!

Remember... remember your belly. Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember, muscles.

Maurizio said, "Remember your belly."

(QUIETLY) I don't think the reason

we were singing the wrong words at the wrong point of the song

is because we'd forgotten our fucking bellies.

'The rehearsal was chaos.

But with the show starting in under an hour,

we didn't have anymore time to practise.

We had to get ourselves through wardrobe as quickly as possible.'

No? (SPEAKS ITALIAN)

All the way up? Ah, si.

'And given all the baroque gear we were squeezing into...'

Ma, no...

No. No?

No perfecto. (LAUGHS) No perfecto, oh.

'..that wasn't going to be easy.'

No.

I'm ready, mate. You ready? Yeah, let's have a little look.

# VERDI: La Donna E Mobile #

Mmm... God.

You're dressed like an old racist white guy

that you... see pictures of.

Do you think so? Yeah.

You look like an earl. I don't feel great.

No.I was quite positive before this happened.

Were you? Yeah.

Based on what, the rehearsal?

Yeah, I like that. That was a shit show.

Yeah, that's why I enjoyed it.

I'm pretty sure my trousers are gonna fall down.

Perfect. Give them a little tug.

I just want to show you how little resistance there is.

(SONG ENDS ABRUPTLY) (LAUGHS)

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You pulled my boxers down, you absolute...

(LAUGHING) I didn't know they were... Yes, you did.

You knew exactly what you were doing.

I didn't know it was box... (LAUGHS)

I cannot believe you just did that. I didn't... (LAUGHS)

You did know. You said!

I said pull the trousers! I felt you pinching.

You were pinching so that would happen.

I said take the wrapper off, not the foil underneath as well!

No, but I didn't know that, I- I...

You did know exactly what you were doing.

I didn't. How could I tell your boxers?!

Well, I have to be able to show your dick now.

That's fair, that is fair. (LAUGHS)

OK. OK?

What? You g- You gonna show everyone my dick?Yes!

Oh! I feel... I think that's only fair, Rob.

I think it's really odd. (LAUGHS) OK. I think...

OK, ready? (WHIMPERS) OK.

You gotta let go. OK.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I thought that would come off in one!

It felt weird to go a second time.

I'm so sorry. Fuck.

Right, you ready? Let's go sing. Singing time.

(WHISPERS) Fuck. (INDISTINCT)

That was really weird, Rom. (CHUCKLES)

'It was showtime in Venice.

The audience were ready to see a night of spectacular opera classics

performed by the stars of Musici Veneziani

and two clowns who didn't know the words.'

(MAN SINGS)

'The performance had started,

but as we weren't on 'til later, we'd come backstage,

Unfortunately, Maurizio had some bad news.'

There's another phrase that we didn't study.

Wait.

So, there's a...

so what he's basically just said is there's another line.

Is he... OK.

Why have we only just been told and what did we do in the rehearsal?

(WHISPERS) How can there be another line?

He's looking up on his phone, he's Googling what the other line is.

Kill me. (LAUGHS)

Oh, have you got another line? Great.

This is how I like to learn my lines.

The words should be, "Godiamo, godiamo."

Godiamo? Godiamo.

Godiamo. So, we've had libiamo...

The second phrase is godiamo.

So, libiamo is toast. Yeah.

Godiamo is...

Really?! Fucking hell.

Are you serious? Generally speaking. (CHUCKLES)

What, godiamo? That's what godiamo is?Yes!

I feel like I'm in a Blackadder.

(QUIETLY) This is insane.

(EXHALES) (CHUCKLES)

We hosted the BAFTAs a week ago. (QUIETLY) What the fuck.

'We were on next.

But after Maurizio's bombshell,

all we could do was step out into the auditorium and pray.'

# Libiamo, amore

# Amore, frai i calici

# Si caldi baci avra...

'I didn't have a clue what was going on.'

(ALL SING DIFFERENT PARTS)

'We were in an operatic nightmare...

And seeing Earl Beckett across from me

was nearly pushing me over the edge.'

(WOMAN SINGS)

'Trouble was, the intro seemed to go on

for a lot longer than in any of the rehearsals.'

(CONTINUES SINGING)

What? No.

'And when it was finally our turn to sing...

MAURIZIO: # Libiamo (ROB JOINS IN)

# Libiamo, la, la... 'It took us by complete surprise.'

(OUT OF TIME) # La, la, la, la, la, la, laa

# Libiamo, libiamo...

(MUMBLES TO TUNE)

# La, la, la, la, la, la, laa...

# La vita e nel tripudio

# Quando non s'ami ancora

# Nol dite a chi l'ignora

# E il mio destin cosi

(ALL SING LONG NOTE) # Godiamo...

(ROMESH JOINS IN OUT OF TIME)

# Godiamo... (ROB AND ROMESH MUMBLE OVER LYRICS)

'From what I was hearing, we sounded abysmal.'

# Godiamo, godiamo... (MUMBLES TO TUNE)

'Our only hope was that our singing

would be drowned out by the rest of the cast.'

(ROB & ROMESH SING OUT OF TIME)

(INDISTINCT)

(ALL HOLD FINAL NOTE)

(APPLAUSE)'Somehow, we'd managed to scrape through

without being booed off stage,

and we just felt a huge relief that it was all over.

MAURIZIO: Bow. Yeah? Oh.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

I will never forget what happened in that room.

(CLEARS THROAT) Me neither.

I had an out-of-body experience in there. Feels like...

I feel like I'm in Quantum Leap. Yeah, in what way?

I just feel like I'm actually back to wherever this is.

You went back in time, but you still had Specsavers glasses on?

Er, these aren't actually Specsavers.

Slam of a comeback, mate, I've gotta be honest with you.

Absolute mic drop moment that.

What's it like dealing with Rob Beckett's slams?

Razor sharp. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, erm...

(MOCK VOICE) Joke's on you, these aren't actually Specsavers.

I'm a shadow of my former self. We need to go.

We've gotta get changed. What?

I'm leaving with this.(LAUGHS) See you later, guys.

Do you reckon you could get on a plane in this?Thanks, guys!

Thank you so much, thank you. Yeah. Welcome.Thank you, guys.

Thank you, guys.Bye! Thank you. We're gonna... Yeah.

We're gonna keep the costumes. Thanks guys.Let's get changed.

We're gonna go. Thank you. Godiamo.(CHUCKLES)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

'With just two days to go before our performance,

we were back in London to meet Matthew.

Armed with Maurizio's feedback, he was ready to let us know

what the orchestra would be performing this weekend.

And more importantly, our roles in it.'

So, I've had a think about what you're gonna do...Yeah.

..for our concert on Saturday.

And I've decided we're gonna do a performance of Nessun Dorma.

Do you guys know that?

Yeah, course, mate, Italia 90. Yeah.

Pavarotti, that one? Yeah, that one.All over it.

# LUCIANO PAVAROTTI: Nessun Dorma #

'Yes, the LPO would be performing Puccini's beloved classic,

Nessun Dorma, one of the best known opera songs of all time.

The question is though, what would Rob and I be doing on the night?'

Rob, you're gonna be playing the timpani with Simon.

Right, big drums? Yeah.OK.

And Rom you're gonna be singing at the front,

the lead tenor role.

(LAUGHS QUIETLY)

I think... you've got an aptitude for singing,

I'm sure you'll do an amazing job. Matthew, I...

Yeah? Genuinely, I think you're making-

you're making a huge error.

(LAUGHS) You look like you're in shock.

I wanna be sick. (LAUGHS)

Well, I'm just gonna go and warm up the orchestra.Yeah.

And then I'll see you down there. Cool.OK, cool.

See you in a bit. Good luck.Cheers.

Is he winding us up?He's gotta be. Or does he think you're good?

I mean, neither of us can do what we've been assigned.

No! At least mine's nearly manageable.

Mmm... for someone else.

# Nessun dorma...

'And to ram home just how much trouble we were in,

downstairs, Matthew and the LPO

decided to show us exactly what we were letting ourselves in for.'

# Tu pure, o Principessa...

I am deeply, deeply concerned. I can't do it.

It's not even- You're not even singing in English.

# Ma il mio mistero E chiuso in me...

I'll be honest with you, I could see percussion coming a mile off.

Yeah, it's easier, innit? (LAUGHS)

I think Matthew's stitched up Romesh

cos Romesh is quite good at conducting.

Matthew was like, "Right, I can't be having this,

stick him on Nessun Dorma."

(MUSIC CRESCENDOS) # Vincero...

Obviously, the redemption for me

going from crying and pissing myself

after the recorder incident at school...

I do think, though, it is a possibility

when Romesh goes out there,

he's so bad that I piss myself laughing.

And I don't mind that,

I think that's enough redemption for me.

(SONG CONCLUDES)

(LAUGHS QUIETLY)

ROMESH: 'In just over 24 hours' time,

Rob and I will be attempting our most nerve-wracking challenge yet...

# A+: Enjoy Yourself #

..when we take to the stage at the Royal Festival Hall

to perform Nessun Dorma

with the London Philharmonic Orchestra.

But whilst Rob will be hiding at the back playing the drums...

I'll be up front and centre going full Pavarotti

when I sing the 1990's World Cup classic

to a sold out audience.

Which meant I'd be singing...

in Italian.

So, with the clock ticking down,

I was packed off to see LPO principal tenor, Toby Spence.'

(CLEARS THROAT)

# Nessun dorma... (TOBY JOINS IN)

TOGETHER: # Nessun dorma...

'And whilst I got on with learning the seemingly impossible...'

(DING) Now.

Ah... Shit. 'Rob had to master the triangle.'

Not yet. I'm ready though.

The drum, triangle, cymbal, gong four way...

is the easiest option.

Crescendo, crescendo.

What does that mean? It means... (CHUCKLES)

Get louder. Oh, right.

Basically, the difficulty here is knowing what to do and when to do it,

'cause I don't know what to do and I don't know when to do it.

So that's where I'm gonna fall down. (CHUCKLES)

'Luckily for me,

I had LPO principal timpanist Simon Carrington at my side...

who was going to tell me exactly what to do

and when to do it on the night.'

I'd say Romesh has picked the short straw.

He's currently in another room, learning Italian and opera.

And I'm stood in front of a triangle,

being pointed at by a man called Simon.

It doesn't really feel we're doing the same episode, does it?

# Ma il mio- (EXHALES) # Mistero e chiuso

BOTH: # In me...

I feel for Rob. You know, I'm gonna be singing,

he's gotta get the triangle right!

Must be nerve-wracking for him.

Poor guy, he's got to play a couple of drums.

If he even BREATHES a word of feeling nervous to me,

I will punch him in his throat.

Genuinely.

Yeah, play, play.

I wasn't feeling nervous, though. Far from it.

In fact, with Simon as my wingman,

I could see redemption just around the corner.

Do you know what? I'm gonna be on stage at Royal Festival Hall

performing in an orchestra, the LPO.

And that is a long way from messing my pants in a corridor.

Let's see how it goes first,

I could piss myself there, but... (LAUGHS)

(SONG ENDS, ROB STOPS DRUMMING)

That's it. (CHUCKLES)

I feel ready, how do you feel?

Ready for war.

(LAUGHS)

I don't know.

# MICHAEL A. LEVINE: Venice #

'24 hours later, we were as ready as we'd ever be

as we arrived at the Royal Festival Hall.

And to our horror,

we discovered that tonight's performance

was going to be watched

by over two and a half thousand people.

This was going to be a disaster.

But if we were gonna crash and burn on stage,

at least we'd be doing it in style.

(SONG ENDS)

Look like two little posh boys, don't we, from a boarding school?

(POSH VOICE) I feel very powerful, yah.Yah.

Oh god, it's hard being posh, innit? Anyway, how are you- It really is.

Erm, how am I feeling? Actually a bit nervous.Are you?

Considering where I've come from and how upset I got at school,

I think this is a redemption story and I'm very nervous

and thanks for helping me on this journey.

Helping you? I'm s... Yeah. Well, yeah, obviou- 'cause...

What do you think I'm doing here? Well, you're...

(WHISPERS) You're gonna be so bad no one will care about me.

You sound like Boris talking to Rishi.

(LAUGHS QUIETLY)

(IMPERSONATES) "I'm so bad at this. But you will come next."(CHUCKLES)

"Vote for me now. Yeah, good boy."

"You- You get yourself in there.

Once you've absolutely messed it up,

I'll come back in on a white horse." "Yeah. Little bit of whistle puff."

"Yah." "Papers will be all over me."

"And they'll be like, 'Rishi who?'" (FORCED LAUGH)

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) Anyway, good luck, mate.

How do you feel about singing though?

Like, are you feeling confident? Have you done enough rehearsal?

No, I haven't done enough rehearsal. No.

What this performance actually requires

is ten years of intensive training. Yes.

I've just accepted now this is as good as I'm gonna get, I just have.

But I am... I'm shitting it. Yeah.

But then once that music starts, I'll be kicking you off,

little bit of timpani... (ROLLS TONGUE)

And then you start singing. OK, but what...

It feels like you're making this about you a little bit.

Well, it's about me as well, I'm doing the drums, I am performing.

Look, the way I look at it is, even if I completely fuck this up,

no one's gonna notice. Yeah.

There's plenty of other instruments knocking about.Yeah.

Well, what a redemption arc.

(LAUGHS) What a journey.

Yeah, what a journey for you. Yeah, but...

If I do mess it up and don't care-

Years ago, I wouldn't have been able to sit during a song

and do fuck all, but now I can! (CHUCKLES)

Shall we go? Yeah, let's do it.

Let's head to the stage, Rom. Good luck.Thanks mate.

I'd say good luck to you but you're not doing anything.

I am, four instruments. (MIMICS) "Well, redemption arc."

# ESCALA: Clubbed To Death #

'We were now only moments away from stepping out on stage

and as the London Philharmonic Orchestra got ready to roll...'

Oh God.

'..poor old Rom was the most nervous

I'd ever seen him before a challenge.'

Rom, don't fuck it up, yeah? Cheers, man.

Let's go, you ready?Good luck doing the three things you're doing.

Not a problem. Have a good one though, mate.

Thanks, mate. Love you, mate. You'll smash it.

Don't we believe in Rom? Romesh is gonna smash it?

ALL: Yeah.

Didn't really say that of your own accord but cool, thanks guys.

(APPLAUSE)

'So now, all that was left was for me to take to the stage

for my first and final performance

of my classical career.'

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(APPLAUSE FADES)

(ORCHESTRA BEGIN PLAYING)

# Nessun dorma

# Nessun dorma

# Tu pure, o Principessa

# Nella tua fredda stanza

# Guardi le stelle

# Che tremano d'amore

# E di speranza!

(TRIANGLE DINGS) # Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me

# Il nome mio nessun sapra!

# No, No!

# Sulla tua bocca

# Lo diro

# Quando la luce

# Splendera!

(GONG ECHOES) (AUDIENCE LAUGH)

(MOUTHS)

(LAUGHTER)

(ORCHESTRA CONTINUE)

# Dilegua, o notte!

# Tramontate, stelle

# Tramontate, stelle!

# All'alba vincero!

(MOUTHS)

# Vincero!

# Vincero! # (HOLDS NOTE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC CRESCENDOS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(SONG ENDS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Wooo!

Please, don't everybody stand up.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

# CLAUDE DEBUSSY: Clair De Lune #

Thank you very much. Well done, mate.

Romesh.

And the orchestra.

Thank you very much. (APPLAUSE FADES OUT)

("CLAIR DE LUNE" CONTINUES)

Well done. Well done to you.

Feels good, right? Feels really good.

Apologies for the gong, that was an accident,

I didn't mean to do it that loud. I don't think it was an accident,

I think it was... No, honestly.

..little bit of attention seeking. No, it wasn't.

But I forgive you 'cause I'm buzzing my tits off.Yeah, OK.

But that wasn't the place it was coming from. It was just-Right.

'Cause the other ones I was doing both hands,

this was just my right wrist and there's like, double the power.Mmm.

In many ways, you've been preparing for that all your life.Ah, yeah.

I've been gonging one off for years in preparation.

Certainly since you were 12. Yeah.

If I'm going hard on the Chinese gong on my own.

Old viper forearms. For years.

How do you feel about classical music now, Mr Standing Ovation?

(INHALES) I dunno.

You know, I've had a hell of a career in it.

(CHUCKLES)Erm... Yeah, sure.

I do think classical music's impressive.

Seeing an orchestra- That's lit a little fire, innit?

No, no, no, no! Seeing an orchestra, though, it's amazing.

Like, I do think that is

something you don't see in any other types of music.Yeah.

I had a prejudice against it that I no longer have so, you know.

Erm, what do you think of classical music?

I like a bit of strings vibrato,

I like that. I'd have that on when I'm tidying the house,

stuff like that. Yeah.

I had some bad memories of music, I feel like I've overcome them,

I've got my redemption. In what way?

I didn't mess myself. Yeah.

And if I end up pissing myself after we go out on the razz...

Yeah. ..that's separate.

Yeah, maybe get changed. Yeah.

All jokes aside, that was seriously impressive.

To sing Nessun Dorma at the Royal Festival Hall

with a full orchestra was amazing so I am properly proud.

Well done, mate. That must've been really hard.Thanks man.

Honestly. And do you know what? I genuinely...

I am properly proud of you as well. Really?

No, obviously not.

You played triangle and a couple of drums.

Yeah, it was... quite easy, really, wasn't it?

Basically a passenger.

("CLAIR DE LUNE" CONCLUDES)

# ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA: Mr Blue Sky #

# The sun is shining

# In the sky

# There ain't a cloud in sight

# It's stopped raining

# Everybody's in the play

# And don't you know

# It's a beautiful new day

# Hey, hey, hey #

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