Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

ROB: 'Rom and I are back...'

(ROMESH SINGS) (SINGS)

'Ready to throw ourselves into the most weird...'

Bad guy. (LAUGHS)

'..and wonderful worlds.' Yeah!

MAN: Yes! Yes!

'Together we're going on a journey of discovery.'

Is that your card? Yes.

Right there, the three of clubs.

'To find out what we like...'

What you saying, Jim? Hey!

Yeah!

'..and what we don't.'

Oh Jesus. Don't look down.

(LAUGHS) Can I have a poo bag, please?

Oh god.

'This week...'

(SCREAMS)

'Rob and I are going canine crazy.'

Hey man, I'm fun.

'As we train our very own family pets...'

Reggie! '..to become dog show super stars.'

(LAUGHS)

Good boy!

'Before they go head to head at the biggest dog show in the world.'

Yes!

Are you ready? No.

'The legendary Crufts.'

Yes!

Woof, woof! So, this week...

Crufts. Entering our dogs. The big one.

The big one. The big tournament.

So we'd been talking about getting a dog for a long time, right?

You suddenly got a dog. What happened? Why did you get a dog?

Basically, Lou wanted a dog and now I've got a whippet called Fred.

So you're happy you've done it? I do enjoy having a dog but I-

That's the reason I wanted to do this. I wanna try and connect with the dog more.

I think 'cause I'm working a lot,

I'm not spending a lot of time with Fred.Yeah.

What about your dog? Reggie. Yeah.

What is Reggie? Reggie is a miniature golden doodle.

Can I tell you something about Reg? Reggie's dick...

I genuinely felt like we bought a dick with a dog attached.

(LAUGHS) You can get that?

(LAUGHS) I found the puppy experience-

Well he's got the dick of a retriever but the body of a poodle.

Correct, yeah. No discipline at all.

So Reggie- he's got no, sort of, control...

What happens when you open the front door?

What does Reggie do? Runs out.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY) (LAUGHS)

So... have you actually said to Lisa about, like,

"We need to get on top of the training?"Yes, I have, yeah.

What's- What's your, sort of, plan? Well...

Do Crufts, hope for the best? Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea, yeah.

Hopefully work will sort it out.

Er no, we- we've started training him.Yeah.

And, like, listen, I love him. I just want him to be...

Trained? I want him to meet his potential.

(GROANS) Just, it's so upsetting

we do all these challenges and I'm the shittest at it

because of who I am and what I am. Mmm...

And now I've managed to make... Like, Reggie's like me.

Well maybe that's your influence? Yeah, maybe.

He was alright until he lived in your house.

Yeah. Gonna start seeing one of his eyelids drooping.

Start looking a bit sadder, tail stops wagging.

Cock starts shrinking. Yeah.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY) (CHUCKLES)

'When it comes to dog shoes, they don't come any bigger than Crufts.

Since 1891, competitors have travelled

from far and wide to show off their dogs.

And in six months' time, Rom and I will be joining them,

when Fred and Reggie go head to head

in their very own agility challenge.

They'll have to learn how to navigate an obstacle course

as fast and as faultlessly as they can.

And just to complicate things,

they'll be doing all that in front of 8,000 people.

But first, it was time they met each other.'

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Today, I'm here with Reggie.

And he is essentially, sort of,

a wild animal that we keep in our house.

He doesn't really listen or obey or anything like that.

And... today he's gonna be meeting Rob's dog, Freddie.

Is that another doggy? Hello, Reggie!That's Freddie.

And.... Look, I'm not saying he's not obedient,

but there is a 50/50 chance that I go home with him today.

Go and say hello? Oh! Oh, oh, oh.(LAUGHS)

He's excited. (LAUGHS) Jesus Christ!

I'm here with Fred,

and he's not had a walk today so he's absolutely raring.

And he loves other people, loves other dogs.

He's a bit flirty actually. He likes being chased.

He don't like doing the chasing, so he'll annoy a dog

and then that dog'll chase him, hopefully.

So, let's... it's a bit like me and Romesh.

'Before anyone started chasing anyone though,

we needed to talk about the elephant in the room.'

That dog's pipe's not normal.

That's not OK mate. That dog's not...

That's not miniature, is it?

(UPBEAT PERCUSSION)

'So with only six months to go until Crufts,

Rob and I needed to gauge

just how much training we were letting ourselves in for.'

OK, Reggie, see you in about three days.

'And, terrifyingly for me,

that meant letting Reggie off the leash.'

(LAUGHS) He's loving it, Reg, look! Oh god, they're both so quick.

(LAUGHS) I know.

Oh God. Oh my God.

Let's see if Reggie comes back. Reggie! Reggie!

Reggie! Oh, fucking hell. (LAUGHS)

Reggie!

Reggie, Reggie.

Freddie! Freddie! Freddie, come. Reggie.

Here, Reggie, come. Reggie, come. Good boy, Fred!

Reggie! Reggie, come. Reggie, come.

Here, Reggie, come. Reggie. Good boy... ish.

Good boy. He come straight to me, Rom.

Reggie, come. Reggie. Reggie.

Reggie.

Why? Rob, please. That was already there.

You got a problem on your hands there, mate.

Well you created a problem, haven't you?No, I haven't.

Reggie, don't fuck about.

Do not fuck about.

Come here. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

(SIGHS) Oh.

Do you know what? I think the dog walk's gone well.

There's work to be done with Reggie's recall.

I mean, Fred's isn't perfect, but up against that, I feel unbelievable.

That dog, not only has it got no respect for Romesh,

I don't think he likes him. I...

Categorically, that dog doesn't wanna go near Romesh.

I'm so depressed. (LAUGHS)

We've got the wrong dogs.

I should have a dog like that.

I said to 'em, "I want something like Rob Beckett."

Massive cock and annoying? Yeah.

They said, "We can't do the dick but we can do everything else."(LAUGHS)

'It didn't take a genius to see we needed help,

so we were off to meet legendary dog trainer, Ashleigh Butler.

Not only was Ashleigh the winner of Britain's Got Talent in 2012,

she's also an incredible seven times Crufts champion too.

The ideal choice, then, to teach the four of us the basics of dog agility

and see if we had any talent whatsoever.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Yeah, this is Sully. He's nine and a half.

And what breed is Sully? So he's a crossbreed

between a border collie, a poodle and a Chinese crested.

That must've been a hell of a night.

(LAUGHTER)A wild party. So what...

Basically, Rob's dog's quite well-trained. Mine isn't.

OK. I don't...

I don't even know the basics, like...OK. So, let's go.

Three top tips, then... OK.OK.

Number one, don't treat them like babies.

OK.Right, OK. OK? They are dogs.

If I want them to respect me,

I have to make sure that I'm not treating them like a baby.OK.OK.

My children don't respect me either, so...OK.

(LAUGHS) This is gonna be fun then.

He hasn't got- No one really respects him, to be honest.

But he doesn't respect himself. Aww! (LAUGHS)

Tip number two would be, "More fun than anything else."

You have to be fun. Again, he's gonna struggle with that.

Oh. Hey, man, I'm fun.

(HIGH-PITCH) Reggie! Good boy. (LAUGHS)

Oh. Good boy.

See? That's how fun you've gotta be. I can't even be more fun than Rob.

See how high-pitched his voice was then? That's how... Come on.

(HIGH-PITCH) Reggie! There you go!

Oh, yeah, lovely. Look!

Um, and then my tip number three, my last one, is probably...

(REGGIE BARKS)Shh, shh, shh! ..eye contact with your dog.

OK. Well, I'm completely out now. (LAUGHS)

I'm three for three on things I can't do.

Literally, I look Reggie directly in the face, Freddie comes over.

So you're in trouble here, boy. I am in deep shit.

But they are my top tips, there we go.

Get that eye contact, be more fun.

Yeah.OK? Yeah, OK. Hey, hey man.

You sound like his first agent. And don't treat them like babies.

"Dress differently, be funnier, be more original with your material."

Stuff like that, yeah? I think... (LAUGHS)

I think we should give these top tips a go and do an agility course.

Alright, let's give it a go. Sure, yeah.Yeah?

I'm bang up for it, yeah. Can we close that gate though?

Yeah, I think that's a good idea. It'd be really helpful for me.

Padlock it shut? Yeah, please.Yeah.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

'So I wasn't feeling confident, and to start with,

Ashleigh was throwing us in at the deep end...

with the tunnel.

So, I'm gonna be here holding him

at the, er, entrance of the tunnel. Yeah. Yeah.

You're gonna go to the exit of the tunnel with your treats.Yep.

and you're gonna just call him through.OK.

And then hopefully, he'll go through.Right.OK?

(HIGH PITCH) Freddie. Freddie. Freddie.

Freddie! Freddie. Come on, Freddie. Yes, good. Big praise.

Freddie, come on. Good boy! Yeah! Well done!

Good boy, Freddie! Good job.

OK! (LAUGHS) Let's give it a go.

You've gotta be confident. Huh? Yeah, I'm really confident.

Go. Ready? Reggie, Reggie, Reggie. Reggie.

Quick! Reggie. Reggie, Reggie, Reggie.

Reggie! Reggie. Go on, boy.

Reggie! Ready, let's go.

Reggie. Reggie. Be fun!

Reggie! Reggie.

(LAUGHS) Reggie.

Reggie. Yay!

How have we got to a point where I'm going through the fucking tunnel?

(LAUGHTER)Maybe you should just go through the whole thing?

When I saw Romesh crawling through the tunnel, I just felt sad.

They said respect- make the dog respect you.

How can you respect that?

Looked like a goat in a snake.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

'It wasn't the best of starts for me and Reggie.

And as we moved onto the jump,

it didn't help that Rob and Fred looked like naturals.'

What we're gonna do...

You're gonna have your dog sitting this side of the jump,

OK? You're gonna step over the jump,

and then call them over with you. OK.

OK? And they are gonna have to be off leads for this one.

Excuse me? (LAUGHS)

OK. So, you're gonna put him in a sit.

Freddie. Oh!

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Smashed it.

He's already done it. OK.

(MIMICS) "Oh, he's already done it." Sit.

(LAUGHS)

"Oh, so sorry, he did it by accident.

Gonna leave him there. Freddie, sit.

Wait. Wait. Good.

Freddie, come. Reggie, down.

Yeah! Yay! Big praise!

Freddie! Freddie, come. Brilliant.

And recall, back on lead. (LAUGHS)

OK. (MIMICS) "And recall, back on lead."

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

OK. Sorry!

Come on, Fred. Let's watch this not happen.

Reggie, sit. OK. Come on, Reggie.

We are believing in you. Reggie, come on.

Yay! Good boy.

That's good! Reggie, come here.

(MIMICS) "And recall, back on lead." Yay!

(LAUGHS) Reggie, come here.

Well done. That was the quickest...

going on lead I've ever seen. Yeah.

See? You are g- You're not a piece of shit. Well done.

There's some bits of advice that I found tricky to follow.

For example, you have to be fun and high energy.

I mean, this is what I'm like at kids birthday parties.

Wait.

What I'd also say is we've seen once again

that Rob Beckett, when faced with a task

that he's realised that he's slightly better at than me,

uh, becomes a weapons-grade cock.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

'So would it be another victory for Fred and me

as we moved onto the last obstacle, the tyre?

Or as I like to call it, the short tunnel.

Sit that side of the tyre.

Wait.

Come, Freddie. Freddie!

Yay! Yay! Well done!

Come on, we can do that. Don't let this prick-(LAUGHTER)

We can fucking do that. Right. Ooh!

Competitive streak is coming out now.Freddie!

(HIGH-PITCH) Reggie, sit. (LAUGHTER)

Sit. I mean, get up now. Oh shit, you're in the wrong place.

You've got a lead on him still. Yeah, I was about to say.

Why have you got his lead on? Sit.

Take the lead off. You've got the lead on.

Fine. Show him your treat.

Be fun. Sit. Sit. Sit.

Round it.

Through here. Nearly.

Argh! He was so close. Help him through.

Through here, through here, through here.ALL: Yay!

Well done. Woohoo!

Good boy. God, I fucking love you.

I mean, that was a new tactic of doing the tyre, guys.

Never seen that one done before. There we go.

Well done. (MIMICS) "Back on the lead, recall."

I was nervous about entering Crufts

until I saw Romesh and Reggie.

And now, I'm quietly confident

to be the second worse dog and human pairing.

It's not about being the fastest gazelle,

it's about being faster than the slowest gazelle.

What do you think our chances are at this year's Crufts in agility?

I think you're gonna do great.

Yeah.Do you know what your voice is doing as you're saying that?

Going high? (LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah.

You keep nodding your head like, "I can convince myself."Yeah.

Do you know if you play poker, you've got some tells

just so you know. If we really- how long would you-

I just don't think you should have high expectations.

OK, so if I come to your... So, sorry...

Your advice is to be confident and be positive

but not to have high expectations? But be realistic.

But be realistic. OK. Yes.OK.

OK, well, thank you, Ashleigh. Brilliant, thanks, Ashleigh.

That's alright. Thanks for coming.

It's been a mixture of advice and contraction. Thanks so much.

I've loved it.Reggie, let's go. Thanks Rob.No worries.

Take care, bye-bye. See you soon. Bye.

ROMESH: 'Rob and I are on a mission to try and get our canine companions

ready for the world's greatest dog show, Crufts...

Where they will hopefully go head to head on the agility course.'

Wait. 'But our first taste of training

had shown that, while Fred knew who's boss...'

Yay! Big praise.

And recall, back on lead.

(MIMICS) "And recall, back on lead." (LAUGHTER)

'..Reggie was a bit more of a free spirit.'

Yay!

How've we got to a point where I'm going through the fucking tunnel?

'So to help us get back on track, we headed to York Hall

where Ashleigh had laid on some very special training

for us and the boys. (CHEERING)

Oh my God, this is horrific.

Ah! Oh Jesus!

(LIVELY MUSIC)

'This is flyball,

the high-speed dog sport that looks like a cross between

a relay race and a night out at the dogs.

To help us get Fred and Reggie match fit,

Ashleigh had arranged for us to spend the day

training with the team Tails we Win,

because if you want your dog to obey you and be quick,

who better to train them than the fastest flyball team in Europe?

And showing us the ropes was their captain, Joe Lamont.'

I'm Romesh. How you doing, man? Good. You?

Today, I think we're gonna look at you guys

and do some flyball training. Yeah.

Sure. Can I ask a question? Of course you can.

What has just happened?(LAUGHS) Like so, so- like... what is-

What is the actual thing? So the aim of the game

is to go over four jumps, hit the spring-loaded box at the end

take the tennis ball and go back.

The amazing thing about flyball is it's not just about the dogs,

it's about the precision of the handlers as well.

So it's not just having a quick dog? No.

It's a lot about the precision of the handler?

The handlers, yep. So... Are you the best handler?

No. (LAUGHS) Oh, OK.

I'm the best trainer. Right.

Um the... Who is the best handler?

My wife, definitely. But I try not to tell her.

OK, well, let's not talk about that.

What about- But what about with the dogs? Haha!

My man! Yeah!Yes! I meant to the dogs.

You were gonna do it, I got there first.

OK, so I think we'll start with you guys

working with some experienced dogs. Right OK.Perfect.

I'm not very good with barking though.

You've come to the wrong place then. (LAUGHS)It's quite loud, isn't it?

Hello.You alright?So these are two really experienced dogs.

Hello! Oh, thank you.

You alright? What's that?

That's a toy. OK.OK.

Play with it however you like.

While they're running, I'll stick this up your arse.

Absolutely perfect, let's go!

Let's flyball. I think I like flyball.(LAUGHS)

All you have to do is run in, call her and run out

which is gonna be really easy. OK.

OK? Right so you just hold her hips.

Hips?! Hold her hips?

Oh, Romesh. (LAUGHS) Should really buy her a drink first.

Flyball is the elite of dog events at Crufts.

Erm... border collies and whippets dominate.

I've got a whippet and I'm ready to dominate.

Er, so I've gotta hold her hips? Rob, Rob, really?Like, tightly.

Can you really secure that dog? (LAUGHTER)

There's absolutely no way- Rob, seriously.

I want my dog to be a champion so I'll feel like a champion.

That's the way to do it, innit?

It's a bit like Judy Murray and Andy Murray.

Get your dog out there and see what it can do.

'Based on our first attempt, though...'

Mark! Oh! I'm not ready!

(LAUGHS)Shit! Aww! Oh, fuck!

'..I didn't think we'd be winning any grand slams just yet.'

Fuck! (LAUGHTER)

What's go- (LAUGHS)

What happened there? I can't hold onto that dogs legs.

We just had a look at flyball,

and basically what it is, is, erm...

you scream at a dog to make it run away.

Shout ready. Ready! Ready!

Mark, set, go! Go!

(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

And then you scream at it to make it return to you.

(ALL SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)

And then what you do is you hold a thing in front of you

so that it doesn't bite your face off.

(ROCK MUSIC)

'So what better way to add more danger

than to introduce two completely untested dogs to the mix?'

So, we are now going to start

teaching your dogs how to play flyball,

and we're gonna start with the most basic exercise

which is the first jump.

'And first up was the bookies' favourite, Freddie.'

So I'm gonna say mark, set, run. OK.

And then we'll say mark, set, go. Mind out.

Don't wanna do your other eye.

Ready? Mark, set, run.

Mark, set, go. Go.Yeah!

Good! Woo-ooh!

Tell him to get it. Oh... Get it!

Yes! Yes, good boy!

Really good. Well done. Good boy.

Clever boy. Rob, that's amazing!

Alright, now we're gonna move to two jumps.

Mark, set, run.

Mark, set, go. Yes!

Good boy! Good boy! Good boy!

Keep playing with him. Get it, get it, get it.

Yeah! Good boy. Well done.

Really good. Good. Shall we, uh...

..get Reggie out?

Reggie? Yeah, sure.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Will his knob hit that board? Probably.

Yeah, you're gonna need to reinforce those.

Can you cut a little hole out the middle for him cos he's-

You said you were gonna stop talking about his dick.I can't.

I'm not sure Reggie's gonna be the best at this event.

Erm, don't get me wrong, I like Reggie, he's a laugh, isn't he?

He's got a massive head, massive wang.

He's like the best bloke at a stag do.

But would I wanna train him up? No.

Great on a stag do, terrible in the work place.

And this is work.

So we're going to see how Reggie does now.

So you're just gonna try keep him as engaged as possible with that toy.

I'll say mark, set, run. You run on run.

And then you call him and play. OK.

Mark, set, run. Mark, set, go.

Yes! Yeah!

Oh. That's it.

And the toy! Keep it moving.

(LAUGHTER)

Mate, it's here. Where you going?

Oh no. (LOUD LAUGHTER)

(ROB LAUGHS HEARTILY)

That's what he thinks of your running.

Good boy! Well done, Reg. Alright, keep playing with him.

Keep playing with him, just avoid the poo.

(LAUGHS)

He's gonna run really fast now.

Right let's do it again.

(LAUGHS)

Are you not gonna get that? Can I have a poo-

Can I have a poo bag, please? (LAUGHS)

It's very difficult because I love Reggie with all my heart.

Part of me was thinking he'd really let me down in the flyball

but another part of me was thinking, "What a legend."

Do you know what I mean? That is massive. Well done.

And then he just walked away from it, like,

you know when Iron Man walks away from an explosion?

It was like that. Have that.

Erm... Somebody want to take this? No! Go and find a bin!

Why are you-

Why are you being such a prick? (LAUGHS)

Just there.

Don't. No! No, Romesh, we can all see you.

What?

It's gotta go in the street bin. Alright, fine.

I'll go to the street.Yeah, go to the street bin, thank you.

I'm gonna check. I'd better check.

This feels like a, um... like a Panorama report.

We need to speak to you, Romesh Ranganathan!

Mr Ranganathan? (CHUCKLES)

Mr... Mr... Mr Ranganathan.

We need to talk to you about your dog, Mr Ranganathan.

The allegation, Mr Ranganathan, the allegations!

(LAUGHING) Where's he going?

# HOUSE OF PAIN: Jump Around #

'Clearly, that could've gone better.

But now, Reggie was ten pounds lighter.'

Mark, set, go. 'He was like a different dog.'

Yes! Good boy. Well done.

'Nailing not just one jump...'

Mark, set, go. Reggie.ALL: Yay!

'..or two...' Mark, set, go.

'..or even three...' ALL: Yeah!

..but a frankly incredible four jumps in a single go.'

Yes!Yeah! Brilliant.

That's what you want, a dog with a bit of personality.

You just don't want a dog, you know,

like my one that does everything all the time when you want it done.

Livens it up, doesn't it, if he just has a shit whenever he wants?

Reggie's doing brilliantly now, and I dunno what it is-

I dunno if it's all the training from the experts,

or having a massive turnout.

But since he dropped one on the floor,

he's been the best dog I've ever seen.

So let's see what happens.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

And what happened next was a little time trial for the boys

so Joe could put their new-found skills to the test.

OK. So what we're gonna try and do now is get them to do a full run.

One of you's gonna release, one of you's gonna stand here

and just call them like you would normally.

The second you see them get the ball off the board,

you guys are just gonna run as fast as you can back down

and then at the last minute,

throw another ball. Another ball, yep.

And then, make sure you come out of the side gate.Perfect.

And then... we can see who does it the fastest?

Yes.

Raring to go, Reggie was first to the start line.

Ready, set...

Go!

(EXCITING MUSIC)

Yeah! Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, Reggie! Go, go, go, go! Throw your ball!

TOGETHER: Yeah!

Good boy! Well done. Woo! Yes, Reg!

Yes. Good boy.

That was perfect! Told you he'd do it.

Well done, Reg.Wow. Genuinely though, Rom...

Can I just say, from where you started that is unbelievable,

I'm panicking now. That was great! (LAUGHS)

'With the benchmark set, then,

it was now Freddie's turn to see if he could do any better.'

Ready, set... Freddie!

Freddie! Freddie!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Freddie, Freddie, Freddie! Go, go, go, go!

Run, run, run, run, yes!

Throw your ball.

Wahey! Good boy. Good boy!

Yes, Freddie! Woohoo!

(LAUGHS) Good boy. Good boy! Good boy!

Yes, Freddie!

OK, so we've had a really good day today.

The progress has been amazing throughout,

so our winner today is Fred

with a time of 6.8,

closely followed by Reggie with a t- 6 point...?

(LAUGHS) 8.64. So... There's a six in it?

They both did really, really well. They both got sixes in it.

You know what? You- You've done so well, you deserve a little treat.

Well done. OK.(LAUGHS)

Good boy. Good boy.

There was actually a hair on that. Oh nice.

Why've I- Why did I eat that?

(LAUGHS) I did do well though, didn't I?

You did really well. You did really well.

(LAUGHTER) (MUNCHES) Oh yeah, I did really well.

I did really well. (CHUCKLES)

I think I did really, really well.

Yeah, there you go.

(LAUGHS)You've done really well Joe, honestly.

Do you want a little one? Yeah. Yeah, Joe.(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) There you go. Good boy.

# KELIS: Hooch #

I'm shocked. What a day. We've done great.

Brilliantly, unbelievable. Fred's done great,

Reggie's done great, I've done great.

Well, he did poo on the mat,

but once he got that out of him, he was on fire.

Mate, after he took that shit, what a dog!

Do you feel better now that Reggie's sort of under your command?Yeah.

I think he performs best when he's had a shit.Mmm.

So I think feed him up, cotton bud, little bit of olive oil.

I don't think you should do that. Tease it- What?

I don't think you should. That's what you do with babies.

We'll get a complaint. No! What?

When a baby's constipated, you get-

You... stick a bit of cotton bud up its arse?

That is a known technique!

You don't stick it right up there, you just sort of tickle the anus.

(WHISPERS) No... Google it.

I've never tr- Well I tell you what, when we get back to the hotel...

Yeah, do it on me. Or me.

OK.Why don't we do it to each other at the same time?

Perfect. That'll be nice, won't it?

That'll be fun. Anyway, I've loved today.

Yeah, it's been great. Yeah. Have I- Have I been good?

You've been a really good boy. Have I?

You know what? Really good?

You've been such a good boy, you're getting a little treat. Well done.

(GROANS)

Good boy. (LAUGHS) Too hard!

Argh. Right, let's go and race some dogs.

Yeah. Let me get that cotton bud for you.(CHUCKLES)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

ROB: 'This week, Rom and I are pulling out all the stops

to get our dogs race ready for Crufts.

At flyball, Fred and I once again showed

what natural born winners we were

when we knocked it out the park with our display of speed and agility.'

Yes, Freddie! Woohoo! Wahey!

'Rom and Reggie on the other hand decided to play things differently.'

(LAUGHS)

'A few months later,

I was keen to see how the other duo were getting on.

So I organised a quick catch up

in a dog cafe and spa in Chelsea

to give the boys some well-deserved R&R,

and more importantly, see how the competition was shaping up.'

Three days 'til Crufts. Yep.

Agility course. Yep.

Walking it around in front of all the other dog owners.Yeah.

How you feeling? Well, I don't know where he is now.

He's gone. So that's the hint.

Reggie. Come on.

That's good, look. He's coming to you now.Down, down.

Good boy. That's... Wow. That's impressive.

Well what I would say is... Have you been training?No.

None? None.

You've been doing secret agility course lessons, haven't you?No, Rob.

You did it at the Strongest Man.

You got an atlas stone delivered to your house

for you to practice on in the garden. Well, that's not...

First of all, that's not strictly true.

I got four atlas stones and a podium.(CHUCKLES)

(BOTH LAUGH)

And you made your wife home video you practising in secret.Yeah.

And then we went head to head. Yeah, and I lost

and we had to get the garden re-turfed 'cause I dropped it.

Yes. So I'm asking you now,

and you should be honest... Yeah.

Have you been secretly training your dog on an agility course?

Rob, do you think I'm the sort of tragic prick

that just to do well at Crufts, that I don't care about,

I would go and take secret agility lessons with my dog?

Do you think I'm that pathetic a person?When can I say yes?

Yes, I do. Have you? No.

(LIVELY MUSIC) Reggie!

'Well... maybe I'd had a few.

In fact, Reggie and I had been training hard

on a copy of the course we'd be competing on at Crufts.

So, for once, I actually had a fighting chance of winning this.

But training was only half the battle...

Because if you want to be a champion,

you need to look like one too.'

Well, the reason we're here is twofold.

Fold number one is to...

just give them a break and a little bit of enjoyment.

Fold number two is they need to look presentable

because we're going to Crufts.

'So we'd enlisted the help of dog groomer Lauren Philips

and her dog Arlo, to teach us

how to make Reggie and Fred look like a million dollars.'

I'm gonna start off with a nice shampoo, this is de-shedding.

Erm, so I'm just gonna put a couple of pumps in there.

'And it didn't take us long to discover,

it wasn't only the dogs that were filthy.'

What about their heads? So, I'll demonstrate on Arlo.

What we do here is a blueberry facial.

Pardon?So, er... it really gets all of the bits of dirt out, so...

Do you mind if I double check that on urban dictionary just in case you're winding us up?

(LAUGHS) Oh, it's come up in your history.

Already watched, actually. Should've known.

Now I'm not an innuendo guy but if that was on Bake Off,

that would leave soggy bottom in the- in the past, wouldn't it?

Imagine Mary Berry trying to talk you through a blueberry facial.

Why is it called blueberry facial? Er...

Cos it's blueberry and it goes on the face.Yeah.

(LAUGHS)Is it blueberries? Does what it says on the tin really.

It's actually blueberries?Yeah. Wait 'til she does a raspberry anal.

(LAUGHS) Romesh!

Have some respect. There's an art to this.I'm just-

And you're really bringing the tone- I'm sorry about him.

But do you do a raspberry... (LAUGHTER)

It's Chelsea, we offer all sorts here.

(LAUGHTER)

'Blueberry facials, however, were the least of my worries,

given what Reggie was packing down under.'

Would you dry the undercarriage or leave that to air dry?

You must dry the undercarriage.

You don't want any... any infections going on there,

so you wanna give that a good dry.

You're gonna be here for hours. Jesus Christ.(LAUGHS)

'But those worries would have to wait,

as one final blow dry later, Arlo was done,

and then it was our turn to get our hands dirty.'

I sort of find it interesting that um...

the way that you, sort of, groom a dog at a luxury groomers

is similar to the way I expect things happen in prison

which is, sort of, you just hose 'em down.

And then, like, direct the jet at the anus.

There we go. Right in the batty. (GROANS)

Make sure you rub that soap in as well.Rub it in?

(GROANS)Christ. This is awful.

That's the first time I've looked directly into his anus.

Like straight into it. It was like the end of Event Horizon.

Oh, is that nice, Fred? Oh look.

Well done. Do you like that?

I thought this was gonna bring me closer to Fred

but I think it's made him more suspicious of me.

There we go, perfect. (CHUCKLES) Oh my God.

Looks like a nan.

Before I was just that bloke that knocked around the house a bit,

did the bins, occasionally came home after work.

Now I'm the weird bloke that takes him to stuff.

Take him to like a town hall so he runs up and down.

Take him to Chelsea, two hours in the car,

and just make him freeze his bollocks off.

And there's not much bollocks to freeze.

His willy is really small compared to Reggie's.(LAUGHS)Pardon?

I said you're doing a really good job with that washing over there.

Thank you. 'They're sort of clean.'

Are they ready for Crufts? No.

Are they ready to be on the front of a greetings card? Maybe.

I don't think it's gonna go well.

But when they do fuck up,

they will look fabulous doing it.

Well done, Romesh and Reggie!

I mean, he's absolutely soaking wet, but apart from that.Yeah.

Yeah.(LAUGHS LOUDLY) He's not-

He's not dry at all and his paws look filthy, but apart from that,

absolutely smashed it.(LAUGHS) Let's get out of here.

A for effort. See you later, Lauren.

That's the wettest dog I've ever felt!

Are you ready for Crufts?

Well, if the requirement for Crufts

is to be slightly cleaner than before with a bandana on,

then yeah, I'm good to go, yeah. Mmm.

Perfect. Gonna absolutely smash it.

If it requires actually any kind of training and ability, we're screwed.

Yeah, yeah. As long as, um... a muddy cock and a bandana

is what you need for Crufts, I'm ready as well.

Yeah. So um... I had a little chat about...

cos you know you've been sort of obsessed with the size of Reggie's dick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sort of stole the show.

Yeah, so what I've been told by this place

is that Reggie's penis is actually average size for a dog of his size.

Yep.But that in all their years of grooming,

they've not seen a penis as tiny as Fred's. (CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) Fred.

Freddie.

It's OK.

The exact words were, "It's the tiniest one I've ever seen."

Really?Yeah.Fred, mate, you've gotta get good at foreplay.

(LAUGHS) It's the only way.

It's the only way. That's what daddy did.

Then they'll- That's what daddy did.

It's not the wand, it's the magician.

(LAUGHTER)

ROMESH: 'Last year, Rob and I set out on a mission

to see if we could train our beloved family pets

to become agility super stars.'

Good boy, Freddie. 'Six months later,

we're about to see if all our hard work has paid off,

as Team Beckett and Team Ranganathan prepare to go head to head

at the one and only Crufts.'

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

'Over the next four days,

150,000 visitors are expected to cram into the Birmingham NEC

to watch 24,000 dogs and their owners

compete to be crowned a Crufts champion.

And in just a few hours' time,

Rob, Fred, Reggie and myself will be joining them in the main arena

to find out who's the top dog on the agility course once and for all.'

Here we are. Crufts. Yep.

Look, we're here, it's, uh, crunch time and I think it's only fair

to say that it's- it's possible...

I've done a tiny, like, real tiny bit of...

really tiny bit of training.

You've been doing extra training?

Well, not- I wouldn't say extra training just like really...

You really don't like going home do you?

No, no. No, I just- Any excuse. How much-

How many training sessions you done?

I wouldn't say- I wouldn't call them sessions.

How many times have you been to the agility course?

Just like three two-hour sessions. Three...

Right, that's longer than we did in the initial training!

We did an hour.

If it makes you feel any better, he's learnt nothing.

Well, we'll find out, won't we? Yeah, we will.

# BILLIE EILISH: Bad Guy #

'The truth is I've done a bit of training.'

The training wasn't to win, the training was just...

I just would like to have a day on this show

where I'm not completely humiliated.

'Clearly, Romesh had been busy trying to level the playing field.

But I was still feeling confident that me and Fred had this in the bag.

So confident, in fact,

that instead of spending our last few minutes of prep time getting ready,

I'd signed us up to an interview of Channel 4

with the Queen of Crufts herself, Clare Balding.

She loves dogs.'

Now, I am delighted to say I'm joined in the studio

by Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan,

and more importantly, by their dogs.

Um, and it is just lovely to see you both.

(CHUCKLES) Romesh, tell us about Reggie.

Uh, Reggie's a golden doddle.

He is almost entirely wild in terms of his behaviour.(LAUGHS)

And you've got the most lovely whippet there.

This is Fred? This is Fred the whippet, yeah.

He's very chilled, he's uh... he's loving it.

They're so elegant.Yeah, I'd like to see a few other whippets

because we've been said that poor old Fred's not been blessed,

erm... in certain areas. In what way?

We went to a dog groomers... Yeah.

Yeah? And she told us that

Fred was the least blessed whippet she'd ever seen.

In terms of hair growth? Er...Not hair growth...

Oh. But it could be mistaken for a hair.

I would say his... Erm, yes. OK.

Moving on...Appendage. I know also- Thanks for that.

You've been training your dogs, or trying to train them,

to do agility? Yes.

Reggie will take on Fred in the agility course.

Yeah. Brilliant. Erm, good luck with that.

Lovely to meet Fred and Reggie and to see both of you again. Thank you.

Thank you for having is. You too. Thanks for having us.

After the break here on Channel 4,

we will see the judging of the terrier group

and these are some of the cutest dogs you'll ever see.

Alrighty. Aww, thanks Clare.Thank you.

That was fun, I enjoyed that. That was quite fun actually.

Can't believe you started talking about his willy though.

Seriously? Is that what you were talking about?

No, I was on about his tail. (LAUGHS)

Clare! Clare Balding.

Clare! Stop it, Clare!

You've been here too long. Your mind's gone to mush.

(LAUGHTER)

(TENSE MUSIC)

'Back in the main arena, things were starting to hot up.'

This is quite stressful, Rom. This is a big old room, innit?Yeah.

'The pros were in action on the agility course,

and in a few minutes time, we were due to be up next.'

ANNOUNCER: Let's give them a big cheer!

'And I, for one, was no longer feeling quite so confident.'

I'm more nervous now.

I've got a feeling the zero training

is gonna come and bite me... (MOCK ACCENT) in the ass!

'Luckily for me then, Ashleigh Butler

was backstage for a last minute pep talk.'

Ashleigh, I've done zero training since we last met. Just...

Why have you told me this? OK, I just wanna be honest.

In two minutes, you're gonna be out there at the world's biggest...

the world's biggest dog show in that massive arena...Yeah.

And you've done no training!

My second worry is I don't think I can physically run around that on my own without a dog.

OK.So what would you say would be the best approach now?

(SIGHS) Hope and pray.

I'll do that. Hope and pray, be fun,

and last one... eye contact.

Do you know what I didn't like? What?

You looked straight at me just before you said it.I know!

I know, I did. I'm sorry about that. Yeah it was just instinctive.

You look at Ashleigh when talking to me."Last thing...

eye contact." I did do that. I'm really sorry.

Ashleigh! That's incredible.

Eye contact. Yeah.

Again! Oh, I still looked at you!

(LAUGHTER) I'm sorry.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Welcome back to the main arena here.

'The truth was, Rob wasn't the only one feeling nervous.'

This is gonna be a fucking disaster. (LAUGHS LOUDLY)

'Cos whilst Reggie and I might've had a slight training advantage,

what Rob didn't know was that Lisa and the boys

had decided to join us ringside...

And I was bricking it.'

My family are here because they're very excited

about seeing Reggie, sort of, take part.

As if he didn't need enough distractions when we're doing it,

he's gonna see three people

that he knows and loves more than me in the crowd.

So... let's just see what happens.

But I would say, this doesn't make things easier.

At least I wasn't the one going first.

Are you ready? No.

No? OK. Let us know when you are. No. (CHUCKLES)

MAN: 'Here's the course set by judge Graham Partridge.

It's an S shape, it's fast,

it's simple and flowing.

Six mixed height jumps, three tunnels,

and yup, the tyre's in there too.'

OK, here we go. Right.

(CHEERING) Go on, Rob!

'Fastest time wins.

There's a five second penalty for every missed obstacle.

That'll be added to the final time.'

Sit. Sit. Stay. Well done.

OK. (CROWD LAUGH)

But it's alright, you've not started yet.

Yeah. OK, Fred. Sit.

Sit. 'Rob and Fred, first to go.

Fred the 18 month old whippet.' Wait, wait.

And... come through! 'Treat.

And Fred hops over and the round is off and running.

On that far side, that's neatly over the first one and the second too.

That's a good tidy start from Rob and from Fred.

The tunnel, as we anticipated, a bit of a problem.'

(LAUGHTER) 'I'm not sure that, um...

you never know.' Yes!

'They've missed that one,

so that'll be a raised arm and a few extra seconds.

Rob showing a bit of speed around the course here.

I'm pretty sure he's taken a wrong course there.'(LAUGHTER)

'And Graham Partridge is raising his arms.

Doing a few exercises out there is our Graham.

What about the tyre?

Does Fred fancy the tyre?

Well through in the end.' (CHEERING)

'Building up to the speedy finale of the course as well.

On that far side, hopping over the final jumps,

picking up a couple of faults along the way.

44.52 and five faults.' (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Aww! That was actually good. ASHLEIGH: Not bad!

That was good. Rob! That really wasn't bad!

That was insane. That was so good!

Good boy. ANNOUNCER: Well done, Rob.

Hold that thought because we had some missed obstacles.

I think five missed obstacles so we're gonna-

Woah! What? I know. Who noticed?

Two?I don't think anyone noticed. I think you're alright.

So we'll probably confer with our judge at the end.

That was great.I just couldn't- couldn't do the tunnels.

It was great. (SIGHS)

'Even with a lack of training,

me and Freddie had absolutely smashed it

with a lightning fast lap around the course.

But with five time faults hanging over us,

had it been fast enough to secure the win?'

Romesh and Reggie. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

COMMENTATOR: 'OK, here comes Romesh.

So what can Romesh and Reggie

the miniature golden doodle do? Right, Reggie, wait.

Wait. Go! 'Off!

A flying start.' Reggie, Reggie!

'Good speed, corrected that early fault over the second jump

and over the third as well.' Tunnel!

'The tunnel. No problem at all, that, for Reggie.'

(CHEERING) 'Excellent stuff, Reggie.

Tail wagging. Reggie enjoying every second of performing

on this massive stage at Crufts.' (BARKS)

'Bit of hesitation there but still no faults.'(LAUGHTER)

'Lots of hilarity but he's going pretty well,

perhaps a little bit slower is Romesh than Rob.'Yes.

Tunnel, tunnel, tunnel.

(CHEERING) Yes! 'This is looking good.

This is looking actually a little bit superior.'

He is nailing those hurdles!

The jump, the jump.

(CHEERING, LAUGHTER) 'Good work.

Yeah, you can jump over and show the dog the way, I guess.

Urged on by Graham Partridge.' Yes!

'Tyre no problem at all, building up

for a big finish here.' Reggie, tunnel, tunnel.

(CHEERING)'And Romesh down that far side, galloping finish.

Oh, no! Keep going, keep going.' (LAUGHTER)

'Not back there. Not back there. He's found something.

I think it was the treats, was it, he found there?

They come at the end of the round normally.

Great work. Last one, last one.' (CHEERING)

'Yay! Over we go.' (APPLAUSE)

'58.80 and that is absolutely clear. He took longer.

Going back for that treat really didn't help at all.'Come here!

(CHEERING) 'No time faults. So up to our judge,

Mr Agility Graham Partridge...' (LAUGHTER)

'..to make the final decision.'

Oh shit.

(ASHLEIGH YELPS, LAUGHS) (BARKS)

This is where he can't get him back now.

He's like, "Come catch me." 'Over he goes.'(LAUGHTER)

'How many more times you want me to jump this thing?'

He wants to stay out there, he wants to do more!

(LAUGHTER)

'If ever a dog loved the limelight

and loved 8,000 pairs of eyes

fixated on him, it's Reggie.' (APPLAUSE)

# IMAGINE DRAGONS: Thunder #

ANNOUNCER: So, we're gonna go with our judge's decision.

So the winner, ladies and gentlemen,

of Rob and Romesh versus Crufts 2023 was...

Romesh and Reggie!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Reggie, we did it!

Thank you so much.

Reggie! Reggie! (INDISTINCT)

Really well done. Oh, thank you.

It is not as easy as people think it is.It's stressful.

For the amount of time you two have been training,

I think you've done brilliantly. BOTH: Thank you very much.

Congratulations. Cheers.Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

We won, man. We won.

We won. And do you know what?

If feels great. Feels amazing.

I'm still buzzing now.

(ROARS) Come on!

(SONG FADES OUT)

Congratulations. Thank you.

I wanna say, seriously,

the transformation from the first bit of filming

to Crufts has been remarkable. Yeah.

Considering that he just literally ran away from you.

I know. And you think about at the beginning of this whole process,

I had a dog that would not come back if he was off the lead.Yeah.

And we've gone through all this

and he will not come back if he's off the lead.

It is mad that you still can't take your dog off a lead

but you've competed at Crufts and won.Mmm.

Innit? (CHUCKLES) It is mad, yeah.

And you've done well with Fred, haven't you?Do you know what?

I do feel like I've got closer to Fred as...Yeah.

And now he feels comfortable enough with you

to let you dress him up as a nana.

But the memories. You know? Yeah, great memories.

Great memories and what a wonderful place to have these memories in.

Yeah.The generator behind the back of the NEC in Birmingham.

Do you know what, guys? We've had a great episode,

why don't we conclude this by the service entrance.

Do the rest of the episode like an episode of Rob and Rom,

let's do the end like Luther. (CHUCKLES)

(LOW VOICE) I got a feeling I think I know who did it.

Follow me. (LAUGHS)

(HIGH-PITCHED) Coming!

Go on, Fred!

# JOE COCKER: With A Little Help From My Friends #

# Said, I'm gonna get by with my friends

# Try with a little help From my friends

# Oh yes, I'm gonna keep tryin' now

# High with a little help From my friends

# Keep on tryin' with my friends

# By with a little help From my friends

# You're never gonna stop me anymore

# Try with a little help From my friends

# I'm gonna keep on tryin', yeah

# High with a little help From my friends

# I'm gettin' high

# I wanna make time, Lord, no

# Gonna get by with my friends

# Oh, I'm gonna get on by

# Yes, I'm gonna get on by

# Wanna take 'em all along with me #

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