Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

ROB: 'Rom and I are back...'

(ROMESH SINGS) (SINGS)

'Ready to throw ourselves into the most weird...'

Bad guy. (LAUGHS)

'..and wonderful worlds.' Yeah!

MAN: Yes! Yes!

'Together we're going on a journey of discovery.'

Is that your card? Yes.

Right there, the three of clubs.

'To find out what we like...'

What you saying, Jim? Hey!

Yeah!

'..and what we don't.'

Oh Jesus. Don't look down.

(LAUGHS) Can I have a poo bag, please?

Oh god.

'We'd come to Wembley Arena

for our first taste of Korean pop music,

AKA K-Pop.'

You guys ready?

Yes! (SCREAMS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

'We were watching NCT Dream,

a boy band supergroup,

and we'd never seen anything like it.'

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

'For us at least, it had all started...

with this guy.'

# Oppa Gangnam Style...

'In 2012, Psy dropped his viral superhit,

Gangnam Style.'

# Oppa Gangnam Style #

'It brought K-Pop to the world's attention

and became the first YouTube video to reach one billion views.

And since then, K-Pop has exploded.

PRESENTER: The American Music Award goes to...

BTS! (CHEERING)

'Legends BTS have had multiple number ones

in multiple different countries.

And they're not the only ones sweeping the charts.

NCT, Exo and Blackpink, to just name a few,

all have massive followings, and you can see why...

Ultra-polished choreography,

super-slick styling

and incredible talent.

From what we've seen, we 100% didn't belong.'

'Cos we were heading to where it all began...

Seoul, South Korea.'

(UPBEAT PERCUSSION)

# BTS: Butter #

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL)

'Seoul is the beating heart of K-Pop,

and the biggest bands on the block started here.

Making it the perfect place to launch our K-Pop careers.'

'Unfortunately though, right now,

it wasn't our musical abilities that were getting us noticed.'

What is the deal with this car? Well...

Cos right now we look like a right pair of twats.

This is what I thought everyone drove but...

We're the only people driving a car this size.

It's not even that's... the size.

We've got flower hub caps. Yeah.

Why have we done that? Quirky.

I've never been here and I'm over-excited.

'cause it's all different. Yeah.

Oh, we have a traditional Korea there!

Oh, lovely gold statue, Rom. Looks like there's a little festival.

There we go. Oh, look at this little fella!

What's that little contraption?

That's just a Korean person, Rob. If you just-

No! I meant the machine she was driving

(BOTH LAUGH)

Do you like K-Pop? I don't listen to it,

but I know what it is. I love boy bands.

Really? Yeah.

Like Backstreet Boys' one of my favourites.

This is- This is what happened to me and Lou.

Lou told me she was into like Arctic Monkeys and Oasis and all that.

Yeah. Then we started going out.

she loves JLS and Five. Yeah.

And it was absolute bollocks.

The implication there being that Arctic Monkeys and Oasis is edgy.

(CHUCKLES) But my point is this, Bobby.Yeah?

The Backstreet Boys were supposed to be a boyband.

They're not supposed to be edgy, or cool.Yeah.

And they did what they were supposed to do great.

What I think K-Pop has done, it's taken that whole phenomenon

and just supercharged it, do you know what I mean?Yeah.

Amazing dance routines, amazing videos,

the looks are all amazing, and it's like...

It's very rare you see something from this part of the world

break out into America and the UK. Yes.

That's why I think it's such a phenomenon,

do you know what I mean? It's mad.

'First stop on our Seoul journey,

we were meeting up-and-coming K-Pop band, Tri.be.'

# TRI.BE: WOULD YOU RUN #

'Already with a huge Korean fan base,

they were the perfect group to help us

on our mission to crack K-Pop.'

# MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS: Downtown #

'There was just one problem, though...

where we were meeting.'

I've never done Karaoke, I don't enjoy Karaoke, I can't sing.

If I could sing, I wouldn't be a comedian. I'd be a singer.

I've never done Karaoke, nothing about it appeals to me.

The only saving grace,

the glimmer of light, as it so often is in this endeavour,

is Rob Beckett's shitness.

I'm clinging onto that like a goddamn lifeboat.

Hello.Hello. (ALL CHEERING)

'Tri.be wanted to assess our singing to see what they'd be working with.'

Right. We're doing this now, aren't we?

OK. This is so interesting. (GIGGLES)

'So, aware this was our big chance to make a good first impression...'

(CHEERING) Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah, we can do it.

'I picked a song that hopefully wouldn't be too challenging.'

There we go, Rom. # Yeah, yeah, I'm in Brooklyn

# Now I'm in Tribeca

# Right next to De Niro, But I'll be hood forever

# I'm the new Sinatra, Since I made it here

# I can make it anywhere...

'The song was a great choice for Romesh and Tri.be were impressed.

But I was worried.

I'm waiting to sing and I know I can't do it.

But I have to. So I gave it my all.

(HIGH-PITCHED & FLAT) # New York...

(LAUGHS) # Concrete jungle

# Where dreams are made of

# There's nothin' you can't do

# Now you're in New York...

If you'd have said to me that Rob Beckett, just before we started,

had been told to do 'Empire State of Mind'

in the style of Aled Jones doing 'Snowman',

I would've believed you.

(HIGH-PITCHED) # Let's hear it for New York

# New York, New York

# Eight million stories out there...

Romesh is good at rapping, so watching him rap perfectly,

he near enough was word for word,

and then I'm waiting to sing the Alicia Keys bit.

# ..dice, cee-lo...

I mean if anyone knows anything about Alicia Keys, she can hold a note.

# Better slip you an Ambien!

(HIGH-PITCHED) # New York... (LAUGHS)

# Concrete jungle Where dreams are made of

# There's nothing you can't do # Where we at?

# Now you're in New York... (LAUGHS)

# What those dreams make you do?

# Dreams will make you feel brand new

I'm a very limited man.

Some would say there is zero talent, which I take as a huge compliment.

# New York, New York

# New York # Yeah. One love.

# Big up. (CHEERING)

They were laughing and smiling and being very encouraging.

You don't know whether that's because they think,

"We've got two people here that are quite clearly

in the need of some sort of care."

So, what did you think of our singing?

Hmm.Oh... Oh yeah...

Oh! Strange noise, wasn't it?

Yeah.I think your rap is so good.

ALL: Yeah. Oh, thank you.OK.

So like in the group, there's always rap position and vocal position.

Maybe you can be the rapper. OK. I can be the rapper.

In the team. OK, great.

So, that's good. Good. And what about Rob?

I think he will be- Wow, yeah!

What's that? Visual, visual member.

What's that, sorry? Visual member, like...

Visual member? ALL: Yeah.

Does that mean, that- The handsome one?

ALL: Yeah. I'll take that.

Rob Beckett, by the way,

upon being told that he should be the visual member of the group,

took that to mean that he's good looking.

The visual member? Yu-huh!

Why- Why should he be the visual member?

ALL: Aww... No, that's not encouraging, is it?

What they meant was, "You need to be silent."

What else could we work on to get better?Mmm.

Maybe you can learn dance... Dance?

Because it's very important in K-Pop to know how to dance.OK.

Self-care, like take care of your healthy, or like condition.

Oh right, OK.OK. So what we look like, the visuals?

OK. I don't wanna bring the mood down

but he's in the shape of his life at the moment.Yeah.

Known us half an hour and they think we need some self-care

so that's... (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, stings quite hard.

And if that wasn't enough, the girls had even worse news...

So in the end of this week, we'll team you up with a dance team

so practise dance, and then you will be performing.

BOTH: We're performing? (LAUGHTER)

Yes, you're performing.

Whe- Where? Like K-Pop Stars.

Yeah, champions! Oh, OK.

OK, where are we performing? You're performing in Hongdae.

'Yes. Hongdae Street, the beating heart of K-Pop.

All the next wannabe stars head here

in the hope of being spotted by the big record labels.

And, in just a few days' time, we'd be performing there,

hoping to stand out for all the right reasons

and none of the wrong ones.'

Will we be OK, do you think? Yes, if you practise hard.

If you practise.OK. And the dancing will help you too.

Right.OK. So don't worry.

Good luck. Good luck.

Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Cheers. Right, let's go. Yeah, let's go, yeah!

(ALL CHEER) Yeah!Let's go, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yes!

(CHEERING) Yeah!

ALL: Bye! Bye.

I don't think that's helped us in our journey

to become K-Pop stars. Yeah.

I'd say my confidence has taken a knock.Yeah.

They were brilliant. They've left.Yeah.

They said that your self-care's all over the place

even though you're in the prime of your life.

Well, they were talking to both of us but-Yeah, OK but...

I haven't bothered yet, you have, and still look shit according to them.

Yeah, that's true. So don't let that get in your head.

(LAUGHS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

ROMESH: 'We're in Seoul taking on K-Pop.

We've met our mentors, Tri.be...'

Hello.'..who are helping us get ready for a performance

in Seoul's K-Pop capital, Hongdae Street.

Rob had taken singing out of the equation.'

(HIGH-PITCHED & FLAT) # New York... (LAUGHS)

# Concrete jungle Where dreams are made of...

'So Tri.be had arranged for us to take on another K-Pop fundamental...

Dancing.

But with time to kill before we started our intensive training,

we'd come to Gwangjang Market for some traditional street food.'

Exciting, isn't it? Very exciting.

'Gwangjang is one of the largest and oldest markets in Korea,

with more than 5,000 stalls all offering some incredible food.'

Oh, sit there.

'So it didn't take long to find a place to sample.'

How's your dancing?

Not great. No?

Well, you know, it'll be interesting to see what K-Pop dance moves look like.

It's a bit like '90s, but, like, boyband street dance. Yeah, that's what I think.

You're a bit more jazz hands than me though so you'll be good at this. What does that mean?

In any double act, there's always one that's a bit more showman-y.

Two incorrect things about that. One, I don't do jazz hands,

two, we're not a double act. But go on.

Ant and Dec, Dec loves a bit of a sing and dance more than Ant.

Yeah. I'm Ant, you're Dec.

You're definitely Ant.

(LAUGHS)

With such a huge choice of food on offer,

our lunch had only just started.

See that? What is that over there?

Not vegan. Oh that's a hoof.

Oh no, it's a pig's nose.

Where? Over...

There's a pig's nose there. Oh yeah.

When I go abroad, I'm like, I very much just, like...

eat whatever the locals eat and try all the delicacies.Right.

However, I normally go to Spain...

So, it feels like this is a level up.

"I will have one of the local fry ups."

Here's my thing, because I don't eat any of this and you do,

I think it is vegan to watch somebody else eat it.

'But, as we settled down for round two,

I was starting to worry Rob might accidentally offend the locals.

Listen. Genuine concern of mine. Yeah. Yeah?

You're about to try some, like, pretty-

I think I've over-ordered. ..stuff that I would say

that's unusual for your palette. Yeah. Yes.

Just work... think about your face. Well...

The problem with me is, Rom, one of my blessings and curses...

Oh, thank you.

..is that you, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Why is it on plastic?

See, already, I think what you did there-

What you did there was offensive, I would say.

If you just- just off the top. No, I can't control my nose.OK.

I might do the pork first.

I think this is pig skin. OK.

Cold.

What did I say about your face? Sorry.

Fuckin' hell, Rob. It's so hard.

What the fuck is that? (CHUCKLES)

You cannot receive... Sorry.

What are you doing, mate? Yeah but, you can't give that to me

But you absolutely- ..while I'm still chewing this.

You can't receive food and go, "What the fuck is that?"

Are you OK? No. (LAUGHS)

I think I underestimated this.

Oh!

I think it's out of order personally. This show is Rob and Romesh versus.

And we are versus K-Pop and Korean culture.

We're in a Korean market

and I'm trying all the food. Right? 'Cause I'm committed.

Excuse me. What's that? (SPEAKS KOREAN)

Yes. Oh! That one.

OK. Oh! So we've got pigs' feet and chicken feet.

He's just having different rice, rolled up in different ways.

Mmm. This tastes alright.

It's not OK. It's like people that go in the jungle and they go,

"Oh, I'm claustrophobic and I'm vegan."

Well, don't go in the jungle then. Get out.

Get in that coffin and eat a crocodile fanny now.

OK, try the chicken's foot.

Oh, fuckin'...

(LAUGHS)

"Hey, fuck you, buddy."

"Call that drivin', motherfucker?" (LAUGHS)

"Get out and say..." (LAUGHS)

I think people are looking, I don't wanna be rude.

No, don't be rude. Just- I think do the whole thing like a shot.

I, I... if I do the whole thing, I will be sick on you and us.

Do the whole thing like a shot, I think that's easiest.

Let me just try the finger first.

Just honest opinion, that went terribly.

Yeah, it really burst. Try again. Just like absolutely-

Just go for it? Yeah, go for it.

3, 2, 1, go. 3, 2... (GRUNTS)

It's really chewy. Think about your face.

Don't fucking- Do not pull it out.

It's just-I swear to God, don't pull it, do not pull it...

I can't do this, I don't know what to do.

Rob, you've gotta finish that, mate.

What you doing?

Why are you getting a napkin out? What's that?

Oh my God!

'Eating chicken feet probably wasn't the best way

to prepare for the dance training Tri.be had arranged.

They were sending us to a specialist K-Pop dance studio.

And given our past experience,

we were going to need every bit of help we could get.'

Think about some of the dance performances we've done...

Rob was so shit in Jamaica,

we offended the Jamaicans...

..in a feel good event.

Everyone was having a good time, until Rob started doing the dance.

(WHISPERS) So shit.

'We were meeting breakdancing champion Differ Kim...'

Hey! Hey, what's up.

'..and his dance group, FRZM.'

You alright? Hello! Hi.Hi.

So we'll be doing K-Pop dance for you guys

but most of K-Pop dance is very hard.

Yeah.OK.So, we're gonna choose a simple dance,

so more simple and basic routine.

So, yeah... OK. Basic.

If we do really well, could we go into a harder dance?

(LAUGHS)

Sorry? Probably a no, I think.

No, I think so. OK, let's go.

The dance Differ had chosen for us

was cooked up by K-Pop gods BTS,

entitled 'Go Go'.

They performed it on M Countdown,

a hit South Korean TV show

where they blew away a huge live audience

with their astonishingly razor sharp choreography.

Differ and his team had their work cut out

but they were going to give us a head start

with a full-on video production stage.

This is the beginning part. You're waiting here, and then...

So at the beginning of the dance,

what you've got to do is you sort of pop up, it's your entrance.

So I just think you've gotta go with something big.

The last one's normally like, you know...

It's like Busta Rhymes coming at the end of a hip hop tune, you've gotta go big.

OK.

I'm doing a jizz explosion.

(TUTS) Romesh! I'm just saying, but have a look.

That's what I call it, but it's not sexual. Just wait.

Just have a look when I do it. OK.

And then Rob.

Romesh...

Oh, horrible. OK...

(LAUGHTER)

BTS doing like very cutey pose.

Like that. Like that. (CHUCKLES)

Not like this. Not like that?

What's your one? What's yours called? This one? I call it a JE.

Why? What's it for? That's just the initials.(LAUGHTER)

Hmm... No, I don't think that's OK. Is that not good?

Erm... Can't do jizz explosion.

I think go cutesy. OK.

(LAUGHTER)

'Rom had put his foot in it with his tone deaf dance move.

But I had my own issues to worry about...'

I've got quite a problematic relationship with dancing

and I've decided the new approach...

Rather than saying "You can't", "You can.

You are a great dancer, Rob. Just express yourself".

Freestyle. Can you bring freestyle?

Let me show you and tell me what you think. Just like...

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. (LAUGHS) Yeah?

Don't do too much. Oh, right.

I quite like the, er, down and then...

1, 2, 3, 4...

5, 6, 7, 8. Good, good, good.

I'm just getting warmed up, bebe! (LAUGHTER)

Do you know what?

This is the best I've ever done with dancing. Feeling good.

'I don't know what planet Rob was on,

but no one else was living there.'

He is as crap as I am,

but for some reason, thinks he's absolutely smashing it.

And I'm in the situation of, "What do you do

when you're dealing with someone essentially like a child?"

What do you do? Do you say to them,

"Yes, you can chase your dreams and you can make that happen"?

Or are you honest and say to them,

"I think you need a little bit more self-awareness,

because what you're doing is absolutely dreadful."

I've got the moves. I just feel good at the moment.

I'm just enjoying being me.

But it would be fun to carry on doing comedy

and then also just pop over to Korea to do a few stadiums.

If I say to Rob now, "Do you wanna do some extra training?"

He'll say, "I don't wanna get too good."

This is the worst I've felt going into a dance challenge,

because before, we were shit and we knew we were shit.

This time, I am shackled

to a lunatic who thinks he's really good at it.

So let's just see what happens.

Yes! (APPLAUSE)

'It was a wrap for rehearsals.

We barely had one successful run through,

but somehow Rob was still under the illusion

we'd be bossing the performance in a few days' time.

And I wasn't gonna shatter his dreams.'

You seemed to lose your head more than me.

What's going on? Yeah, I didn't enjoy it.

Are you having a rough patch at the moment mentally?

Not a rough patch, no, I just can't get the transition

to the rock out to freestyle to go to the front.

I can't get any of that. Do you know what?

It's the first time I've ever done it without losing my head.Yeah.

And it's my new thing now where I'm like,

"If I tell myself I can't do something,

then you can't, so be positive,

and go in it with an open mind." That's your new thing?

That's my new thing. Great.

Do that with everything. Yeah.

Not everything, not like racism. No.

That's a blanket no. Yeah.

But most things... You could do it if you wanted to.

Yeah, it could and do you know what? I probably-

And it's not your fault that's who your audience are.

If I really threw myself into it, I might see some plus sides.

Yeah, I think you'd be one of the best at it, to be honest.

But, I'm not- not going to. Based on your natural demeanour.

No, but you could be world champion if you chose to. Yeah, I've got an accent for it.

I'd just be quite cutting at times. Yeah, you'd be creme de la creme.

You wouldn't even use those words cos it's fucking French.Yeah.

Shall we go and get our looks sorted for the performance?

Yeah, let's go and get our looks. Come on.Yeah.

I think practise less for your dance, you've absolutely smashed it.

I don't wanna overdo it, do you know what I mean?

No, cos you've got it so down. I get you.

ROMESH: 'We're in South Korea,

trying to crack K-Pop.

Our mentors Tri.be had given us a recipe for success.'

Good luck. Thank you.Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much. OK. Cheers.

'But so far, we can't sing, we can barely dance

and in a few days' time,

we'd be put to the test in a performance

on Seoul's famous Hongdae Street.

Time was running out,

and last on Tri.be's cheat sheet was self-care.

So we'd come to relax on the Hangang River.'

Feels a bit like I'm on the Thames. Yeah. Well we are on-

I wouldn't say this is the prettiest part of the city

to put the swan boat out... No.(SIREN)

Which implies, if this is the prettiest part of the city,

what's the worst bit look like?

Cos this is the area they've gone,

"Oh, that'll be a lovely spot to put the boats out."

Ah, you should see the swan boats in the roughest part,

they've had their heads kicked in. (LAUGHS)

(SEAGULLS SQUAWK)

So we asked Tri.be for feedback,

they watched us do karaoke for six minutes

and they said think about self-care.

Yeah, it felt more like an intervention than feedback.

What is your level of self-care at the moment, Rob?

What's your morning and night-time regime?

Get up... Erm, go downstairs.

Lou gets the kids ready, I take 'em to school.Right.

I have a coffee and I immediately shit after the coffee.

As if like, once it's touched my lips,

I've basically gotta start pulling my trousers down.

I have my shit, it's normally awful, my diet's all over the place.

Sometimes, it makes this noise... (BLOWS SUDDENLY)

And I think, "That's not right, but I haven't got time to think.

You can't get a doctor's appointment."

Erm, then I pull my trousers up- Can we head back to shore, please?

(LAUGHS) Do you ever get that?

You... (BLOWS SUDDENLY)

And you think, "What's happened there?"

It's like my arse is screaming for help.

You had a shit here yet? You been on the special cart,

the special toilet? Yeah, I've had a shit here.

Yeah, I love it. It's a robot, innit?

Directional jet cos like... Right.

Can I- Can I talk to you in confidence?OK.

I didn't think I liked my bumhole being touched.

That jet's changed me.

I don't think that means you like your bumhole being touched,

I think it just means you like your bumhole being clean.

So when you sit there, right? Cos you do a poo...

And then you just press 'rinse', don't you?

And a little tube comes out and fires water up your bum.

You're a fan? Yeah.

And then it dries it, little hairdryer on your bumhole.

Yeah, sometimes... Can I admit something to you?

Sometimes I go in there for a rinse, I haven't even taken a shit.

I just feel like... You just go and rinse your bumhole?

..having a little spritz. Do you?

Yeah. I might do that.

(LAUGHS)

I might get one of them for my house. I'm 100% getting one.

I'll have to tell Lou cos she'll hear... (BLOWS SUDDENLY)

And then she'll hear... (TRILLS)

Yeah. And then the jet will just go, "Do not recognise."

(LAUGHS) "Error. Error. Error."

(ROBOTIC) "Cannot deal with this level of carnage."

"Error. Error. Error."

"See a doctor immediately." It starts boiling the water.

(LAUGHTER)

"We're gonna have to go on a boil wash, boys."

"Activating sandblaster." (LAUGHS)

'Feeling like we still had a way to go on our self-care journey,

later that evening, I had arranged a visit

to a traditional Korean spa called a Jjimjilbang.

But when we arrived, I got more than I bargained for.'

On the entrance it says, it will be naked and no frills...

which sounds like what Lou says to me if she's up for it.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

The full works, please. Yep.

Thank you. Those are yours.

Oh, thank you. There is the changing room.

I'm slightly nervous for Rob to sample any kind of culture

because Rob is the sort of person

that when you ask him what his morning skin regime is,

he starts doing an impression of his own shit.

After you.

'I'd booked us a variety of Korean spa treatments,

but before we got stuck in, we had a small issue to deal with.'

I don't think Romesh is very comfortable with is body,

because we were told it was naked, he's demanded underwear,

so the venue have provided underwear.

I've seen the underwear, I think it's worse than my penis.

# CHUCK JONKEY: Ka Gok Yo Chang Param U #

I don't like the pants. How've we picked clothes

that are worse than being naked? OK, ready?

BOTH: 3, 2, 1.

(WHISPERS) Oh, fuck. (LAUGHS)

We look like sex men.

Bad ones.

That would come to Korea for the wrong reasons.

Rob's pouch, the second it got wet, became completely translucent.

It looked like his dick

was wearing a stocking over its head to rob a bank.

(LAUGHS) Your bollock!

Right, OK.

What happens now?

Is this Guantanamo? What happens now?

OK, come on.

'Our first treatment was a Korean body scrub called a seshin.

To prepare, we needed to soak in a hot mineral bath,

but our rope G-strings were still causing havoc.'

Oh man, my dick's come out.

I'd- (SIGHS)

You- (CHUCKLES) What? What are you doing?

Why do you keep looking down and then laughing at me?

I don't think BTS did this, did they?

'Twenty minutes of soaking later,

we were ready for our body scrubbing.

And as Rob had drawn the short straw, he was up first.'

(LOUD RIPPING) Oh God.

Was that your arse crack? No, it's...

'Our body scrubber...' Hi.

'..was a topless Korean gentleman called Mr Jongook.

And Rob was about to become intimately acquainted with him.'

(LOUD SLAP)

So, this is called the clown treatment.

What's it smell like?

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

the face mask has gone translucent like your dick pouch.

Yep.

At one point, he turned Rob onto his side...

(INDISTINCT) ROMESH: Oh, fuck off.

And I saw something

that I haven't been able to stop seeing since.

(LOUD RIPPING, LOW SQUEAKING) (GROANS)

(QUIET LAUGHTER)

(LOUD SLAP)

The hardest part was being treated like a dead body.

I was just sort of moved around.

I didn't know when it was gonna end.

Rob, with the white rope, sort of, up against his arse crack...

It looked so much like when they string up, like, a loin.

All that needed was, sort of, a light honey glaze,

a couple of herbs, whack that straight in the oven.

'Rob's scrub was over,

and I was next for Mr Jongook's rough treatment.

Oh my God. (CHUCKLES)

Oy!

Hey!

It's fine. It's fine.

# MURA MASA: Lotus Eater #

(GAGS)

The creases around his groin...

I could just see every detail.

I could- I could pick his cock out in a line up.

And balls.

Oh God. It's fine, you get over it.

Fucking hell, that was right up there, though.

(LOUD SLAP)

(LAUGHS)

'Ring violation complete, Mr Jongook had one last surprise for me.'

(SPITS LOUDLY)

(LAUGHS)

(SPITS)

Do you feel like you're a K-Pop star yet, Rom?(SPITS)

'The seshin scrub had been less self-care,

and more administered trauma.'

Thank you. Thank you.

'But it did have one benefit...'

ROMESH:

Come on.

What the fuck are...

Are you gonna leave the rope there, as well?

(LAUGHS)

(QUIETLY) Sorry. You f...

Want me to get it? Don't- No, I'm going.

See you later. No, no.

Argh! (ECHOES)

Genuinely...Yeah? Line crossed there, mate.

Right, OK. Good to know. Fucksake.

'Our final treatment was a mugwort steam,

which involved boiling water and a Burberry-esque throne,

which I was just hoping Rob didn't mistake for a toilet.'

Oh! Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) It's warm. Yeah.

'Underneath our pink robes, we were commando.

And the aromatic steam that was coming out of the bowl

was apparently going to cleanse and relax us.'

I'm trying to think of which part during the karaoke

Tri.be said, "Oh, remember to steam your balls."

It's the hottest my arse has ever been.This is absolutely crazy.

Can you- Fucking hell, man.

Oh, Jesus! Don't look down. (LAUGHS)

Oh! That's...

That is the worst view of myself I've ever had.

It looks like a meat-packing factory. I can't stop now.

This is what... (CHUCKLES) I look like a butcher's window.

I've got no dick.

This looks like you've got no dick.

Show us.

Go on, have a look.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I think you've transitioned.

It's like proper in, is yours not in?

What? Where's yours? Show me yours.

(LAUGHS)

Oh God! (BOTH LAUGH)

I can't get mine in, the hole's too small.

The hole's that size! How big is your dick?

Yeah, but my bum- It's not a fucking Easter egg!

My bum's on it.

I'm gonna put mine in and see how it- Go on, see how it feels.

Ooh. Is yours touching the bottom, as well, yeah?

(LAUGHTER)

Bit hot- Bit hot in there. Can I have a look?

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

(COUGHS)

Can I see yours again? (LAUGHING) Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

That's it, inhale all that dick air. (COUGHS, LAUGHS)

Get your nose right in there, mate. Oh!

Get that steam in. Bit of fresh air.

Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon used to go and have lunch.

They'd drive round Spain and have dinner!

I've watched his penis be steamed.

I've seen inside his arse!

Why? Oh, cos of K-Pop.

# BLACKPINK: Kill This Love #

ROB: 'We're in South Korea on a K-Pop quest.

Our big street dance performance was just hours away,

and having wasted most of yesterday in a traditional Korean spa...'

(LOUD SLAP)

'..we left fixing our image to the last minute.

So we've come to see Cheri and Nara,

stylists to K-Pop megastars

for some of the world's most iconic magazines.'

Hello. Hello.

Hi, I'm Rob. Nice to meet you. Hi, I'm Nara.Hi.

Hello, nice to see you. Hi!Romesh. Hello.

Hi, I'm Cheri. Hi. Rom. Hello.

So what makes a great K-Pop look?

A lot of K-Pop stars wear very pretty and bold

and extravagant style. I mean... Yeah, and colour.

Yeah, and colour. Yeah, basically. Yeah.

You guys are... black right now.

You look like an A-Level drama student.

Do I? Yeah.(GIGGLES)

# BTS: Dynamite #

'The first outfit we would be trying

was what the stylists described as "feminine pastel",

a look employed to devastating effect by K-Pop kings, BTS.'

# Light it up like dynamite

# Woah-oh-oh #

Ooh-laa! Ahhh!

Oh my God. (LAUGHS)

Oh my gosh. So cute.

(LAUGHTER)This has got Bollywood written all over it.

You look Bollywood, I look like Mr Tumbles doing a Vegas residency.

I feel for Rob because the truth of the matter is,

a lot of these clothes companies,

a lot of these clothes that you'd wear in videos and stuff like that

are not designed for normal-shaped people.

I'm not saying that Rob's normal-shaped.

Do you know what you look perfect for?

If we were doing a single called Humpty Dumpty.

(LAUGHTER)

'Next up,

the girls had something a bit more spicy for us to try.'

Oh, gloves!

Maybe more chain. What's that?

OK, the idea of this look is traditional, sexy, K-Pop idol.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

So, this is traditional K-Pop sexy? Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, traditional K-Pop sexy. Are you- Are you sure?

Erm, 99%. OK.

Well, we're about to show you the 1% so get ready.(LAUGHS)

3, 2, 1. (CURTAIN SCRAPES)

Rob, come on. No.

Just come on. (LIGHT LAUGHTER)

(SNICKERS) Ah! (LAUGHS LOUDLY)

Yes! Oh my God.Oh my God.

You look like the only gay in the village.

I looked insane, it was awful.

It's p...

I've never put on a item of clothing

and as soon as I've done the button up, my arse sweats.

(LAUGHING) That is traditional K-Pop sexy?

That can't be traditional. It cannot be.

This cannot be traditional K-Pop- It can't be.

Yeah, traditional. Very.

I find the decision to add something to your left leg incredible.

(LAUGHS) Let's trap this leather chap,

not where you'd normally wear a chap,

we're gonna put it round the bottom of his leg

like he's broken his ankle

and we wanna heal it in a very kinky way.

Can I ask, is that what you wanted it to look like?

BOTH: Erm...

The issue for me is not that I looked silly,

it's that Romesh didn't look like what I was supposed to look like.

He was not "traditional sexy" like I was.

Or I wasn't traditionally se...

Someone wasn't traditionally sexy.

Someone was untraditionally sexy and I don't know who it was,

but we weren't wearing the same outfit.

I mean my outfit's so eye-catching that yours looks alright.

Yeah, I actually feel like I'm dressed quite conservative.

'All was not lost, however, because Cheri and Nara

had one last style up their sleeves...

Retro street.'

3, 2, 1.

Aah! Cu... (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Ah!

Oh my God. Oh my God, you guys.

What do you reckon? Yeah.

You look like you've never got through school lunch

without something being stolen from you.

I look like something from The Simpsons.

I look like-You're like the new kid in The Simpsons

that no one's playing with.

I look like they've recast Milhouse ethnically.

You look like Lisa's first boyfriend. (LAUGHTER)

It looked like every Indian guy cast in an American movie.

(MOCK ACCENT) So, listen, is this how they dress here?(LAUGHS)

Just tryna look cool, hip hop, man. (LAUGHS)

I'm hip hop guy, I looked it up.

Hey dude, what's going on?

(LAUGHS)

Every American film, particularly in the '90s,

the brown guy that they cast would be really good at maths,

he'd come and hang out with the gang

and go, (MOCK ACCENT) "Hey, what's going on, bastards?

Do you wanna hang out? Where's the party?"

(MOCK ACCENT) "Me and my crew,

put together posse, we're gonna go mack some hoes."

(LAUGHTER) I- I just don't know what to say.

Do you know what? What?

Maybe not these exact clothes... No.

But the streetwear style... Streetwear style, yeah.

..is definitely gonna be our best look, I think.Mm-hmm.

I think this look kinda makes you a boy group, you know?Yeah, yeah.

Yes."Boy group". More like together, yeah.

Let's be absolutely honest.

We tried three looks and two of them,

Rob looked like a sex offender.

So he said, "This is my favourite look."

It's the only look for which you, you wouldn't arrest him.

And this- And you open up with that.

So what does it look like in this outfit?(SQUEALS)

Yeah, don't do that. I think we need a new-

(MOCK ACCENT) "What up, bitch." No. (LAUGHS)

"Bastard." No.

'We settled on a streetwear style, but we still couldn't escape

the fact that dressing like K-Pop stars

wasn't gonna make us dance like them.'

Should we have spent this whole time practising the dance? 100%, yes.

100%, yes.

Have we instead put a bullet in the back of the head of the week

and not moved ourselves on at all with regards to K-Pop?

Yes, that's exactly what we've done.

'Cheri and Nara had delivered,

so there was one thing left to do...'

'It was time to take our new look to Hongdae Street,

for our street dance performance.

Hongdae is the place to be seen and to get noticed,

which was ironic because right now we just wanted to hide.'

# THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS: No Reason #

'But bowling round Seoul looking like two lost '90s ravers,

we were always going to stand out.'

Ten minutes to go. Yeah.

Do you reckon it's worth doing, like, a little like rehearsal?

First of all, what do you think of our looks?

You know what? It's better than the other options

but I still wouldn't wear it at home.

I feel like we look like Kevin and Perry Go Twat.

I feel like I work on the highways.

Do you remember the dance? Nope.

But I'll remember it once it starts. Well we've got ten minutes.

Nah, don't need to. No?

Hmm. I mean, there's a theory that we should have practised it

for two hours the other night instead of steaming our testicles.

Or... Now you've mentioned that,

maybe we should give it a little run through.(LAUGHS)

Alright, you ready? (CHUCKLING)

Right, I'm just gonna play the music.

Just do it from memory. OK.

Go.

OK. Yeah.

And then we go to the next bit. And then... here.

And then... she's coming in.

Drop, flick, flick, flick, flick.

Arms up.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

It's this isn't it? Is it?

Yeah. Yeah. So uh, uh, uh, uh.

What's after uh, uh, uh, uh? Rob, Rob, Rob. Wait.

Let me show you again.

Oh! It's that... Uh-

Oh, sorry.

Right, it goes... To the side, drop,

Flick, flick, flick, flick. Alright? Yeah.

Cool the noodle, cool the noodle,

cool the noodle, cool the noodle. Arms up.

In. Waft the batty.

I mean, there's an argument we should've just practised.

You're the one who wanted to go on the swan boat!Yeah!

"Ooh, let's all look at Seoul." I think we've seen it.OK.

You're the one to go to the prison showers-Tri.be...

Have your dick looking like chicken in cling film.

Tri.be said we should go there- Let's just go do it.

..for your self-care. Tri.be didn't say,

"Expose yourselves to each other on a teapot."

# LYN COLLINS: Think (About It) #

'Hongdae Street is Seoul's cultural capital.

It's where up-and-coming K-Pop acts come to perform

and hope to be discovered.

We were meeting our dance partners from FRZM

for our big performance and they had already drawn a huge crowd.'

A lot bigger audience than I thought it was gonna be.Yeah.

Oh no, look at this.

I'm starting to feel like we could've practised.

We went and spent three hours being steamed and pressed.

Yeah, but don't your balls feel fresh?They feel incredible.

Could eat your dinner off my bumhole.

'As rank as that sounded,

it was actually preferable to what we were about to do.'

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

'We were up next.'

How can I get my dick out and have to do this in one episode?

It makes no sense.

Here, come here, come here. Yeah.

Please come here. Wow! (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING)

(SPEAKS KOREAN) Rob and Romesh.

'The one comfort we did have was that this would undoubtedly be

our first and last K-Pop dance performance in Seoul.'

(CHEERING)

'The only question remaining was how long it would take Rob

to realise he was as useless as me.'

I'm gonna be sick.

(CHEERING)

# BTS: Go Go #

# Dollar, dollar...

'I'd remembered to cool my noodles,

but my batty waft was all over the place.'

# Dollar, dollar

# Dollar, dollar...

(APPLAUSE)

'I looked bad but Rob looked like that guy you'd avoid in a club.'

(RAPPING IN KOREAN)

'By now, it was pretty clear which one of us was Perry.'

(SINGING IN KOREAN)

I've got it all wrong.

'The penny had finally dropped for Rob, and unfortunately,

cameras were everywhere and we were popping up on live streams.

We weren't just making idiots of ourselves to hundreds in Hongdae,

we were reaching thousands on social media.'

# Dollar, dollar...

(CHEERING) Kill me.

I would describe that response as muted.

I need to go home immediately.

'So, our South Korean journey was over

and although it wasn't the ending we'd hoped for,

we could still say we performed a K-Pop dance routine live in Seoul.'

# PSY: Gangnam Style #

It was very brave to do what we did. Yep.

Erm, it takes a lot of courage to get out there

in the middle of a city you've only spent a few days in...Yep.

And perform in front of a crowd of that size.Yep.

A bigger crowd than we were expecting.

We did the dance, but... Yep. (SIGHS)

But, overall summary, we were shit.

I got overconfident

and then we did it outside in the dark and I got thrown.

Yeah. I felt like a fox in the day.

It turns out you can't master a tightly choreographed dance routine

by watching it on an iPhone

seven minutes before you're due to do the performance.

That was one of the worst 45 seconds of my life

and I've been caught masturbating. Yeah.

By the way,

don't ever let me catch you again. Sure.

But what have we learned about K-Pop?

We know that it's slick vocals... Yeah.

Incredible choreography... Yeah.

Presentation, style, all of that. Yeah. Youth.

Youth. Nothing we've got.

And the fact of the matter is

it doesn't matter what process we went through this week,

there's nothing they can do that will make us 19-year-old Koreans.

As much as we want it. So in many ways,

the whole thing was pointless. As much as we want it.

But look, we've learned a bit about K-Pop

but there was no way that we were gonna become a K-Pop band.No. No.

But I feel like I understand the phenomenon now.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

It's great, K-Pop. So, in that way, mission achieved.

Yeah. Well done. But if y-

Another case solved. Yeah.

Turns out, we spent a week here, what we discovered is

it helps if you wanna get into K-Pop if you're young and Korean.

Rom, I think the trip's gonna go up a level.

We can go and eat there, chicken and beer.

Chicken and beer? Shall we go there?

That looks like it'll do nice food, doesn't it? Come on.

What are their vegan options? Beer, I think. Alright?

Do you wanna get changed or just walk in like knobheads?

Oh, I'll just take the jacket off, I'll be alright.

# BTS: Dynamite #

# So, watch me bring the fire

# Set the night alight

# Shining through the city

# With a little funk and soul

# So Imma light it up like dynamite

# Whoa-oh-oh

# Dyn-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na-na

# Life is dynamite

# Dyn-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na

# Life is dynamite #

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