Original subtitles

The following program contains: strong language and adult humour

So Rob, what's the theme of this episode?

I think we're going to do Olympics again.

Merry Christmas!Merry Christmas!

Do you wear this stuff for Christmas?

Erm... not at home.

But I will do when I go out.Yeah.

So for the Christmas special, we've once again thrown it open to democracy.

Yes.It's not a democracy, is it? It's just suggestions.

So I put on my Instagram, didn't I, "What you want us to do?"

You love a bit of that, don't you?

Little bit of interactivity. Gets the likes. Look, man, I'm just, you know,

it's a social media world now. It's nice to see you moving with it. "I'm not on Twitter,

cos I don't like it here." Grow up, mate.

(FAINT PINGING) That's my 12 o'clock alarm. Yeah, got to do another tweet.

There's a schedule."It's been an hour, I've not put something out!

Let me say something about the dog! The new hat I'm wearing!"

No. I just said, "Guys -"

"Hello, people. I'm just casually sitting on my sofa,

having a wonder about carwashes. I mean..."

'Following last year's circus performance at Winter Wonderland...

(YELLING)

.. we once again put it to you at home to decide

our Christmas fate. And as the votes came in...

.. one challenge was way ahead of the rest.

So this year we're going ice-skating

with Disney On Ice.'

Their latest tour is back in the UK for the festive season.

And we'll be teaming up with Disney's most beloved characters...

.. to see if we can get a part in their Dream Big production.'

So here's the thing. They decided ice-skating, Disney On Ice.

Yes! Why'd you reckon they chose that?

Well, it's quite Christmasy, isn't it, Disney On Ice ice-skating?

It's a Christmas event and also there's a big possibility

for us to wear lycra and fall over.

I find it slightly depressing. Cos basically,

if you ask for a suggestion for the show,

what you are getting is an insight into what people think is funny about the show,

what they enjoy about the show. Yeah. Humiliation.Yeah. Then you sort of go along

under the illusion that it's your comedic ability,

you're maybe likeable and you've got charisma.None of that. But the truth is,

you're slightly chubby and they want you to fall over in a funny outfit.

'So the first stop on our journey with Disney On Ice

was London's iconic Alexandra Palace.

Disney On Ice wanted to know what they were working with.

So they sent us for an ice-skating assessment

with former Disney On Ice performer Hannah Dolan-Davies

and the show's performance director Jaqui Soames.'

Oh, God.Just think, in a couple of hours,

you'll be doing that.I've never seen that in any Disney film.

She looks so happy as well.I can't do that, lazy eye rattling around my head.

I came into this trial with a bit of positivity. That has just sucked it out completely.

That's like inspiration.Come on, let's go.No, come on, Rom!

Hello.Hi.Hi.

Nice to see another beginner in action.

That was amazing.Oh, thanks.

So Hannah's here to teach you today, see where we're at

and then we'll decide what we can put you into

in the show. You're going to be performing live

in front of a paying audience.Yeah. That's what we're worried about.

Also, last time I was at Alexandra Palace

it was for the darts and I was sick four times.

How good do you have to be at ice-skating

to be in the Disney show? What's the absolute bottom level, please?

You have to be pretty good. Yeah. You have to be able to stop,

be able to skate, be able to turn.

So yeah, you're gonna be learning some skills along the journey.

Physically, what do you look out for someone who'll be good at that?

What?

Are you guys ready to get your skates on?

Yes. Literally. OK, get your skates on.

OK. Cool.OK. Nice chat, good to get to know you.

"Get your skates on." First time I've ever heard anyone say it and mean it.

Cos we actually have to get our skates on. Yeah, I understand the point.

I'm not feeling good. This will be my first time without a penguin ice-saking.

Are you doing ice-skating or snowboarding?

What's the outfit all about? What do you think's gonna happen out there?

I have put on every bit of safety equipment that's been provided.

How's your broken wrists?

Pardon?You broke both your wrists BMXing, didn't you?

Yeah, I've got very fragile wrists. My wrists are like chopsticks.

Part of the battle with this is to be confident.

And Rob's got a very positive mental attitude.

Based on no evidence, but that's how Rob's done it his whole life.

Never stopped Trump.Yeah. Exactly.

And that's who Rob modelled himself on.

You can see by the look. He had no reason to be President, didn't stop him.

Hence Rob's hair and body.

He's quite a good inspiration for the blondies.There you go.

Rob sees Trump as a beacon of excellence for the Aryan race, of which he's a member.

'Kitted out, it was time to hit the ice. I was up first.

In my mum's leggings.'

Just put your heels together. Sure. Go for it.

And we're gonna head straight for the middle.OK.

'It was a shaky start for me.' I feel like a nan!

Don't do that.'But it was nothing compared to Romesh.'

Stay there, we'll wait for Rom.

(CACKLING)OK, take your time.

Take your time.I don't think you're doing actual steps.

There's no rush.I think I might need to play a really old character.

I cannot ice-skate,

but him, there's something going on with him.

He's not right.

Are you putting this on?No!

He looks like he's 90!

I didn't wanna go on the ice, and I keep visualising

falling over headfirst and breaking my neck.

"Excuse me, do you know what time the 161 arrives?"

I keep thinking about falling flat on my arse.

There you go. See, you're getting it.

I'm not getting it.You are getting it.If that's getting it,

I don't want it.Arms out in front.

There we go.I'm terrible, but what he's got wrong is medical.

Bend your knees, Rob. Arms out.

I just can't do it next to him!

'Clearly, Jacqui was worried.

I was barely able to move forwards,

but that wasn't gonna stop Hannah from upping the stakes.'

So what we're gonna do next is backwards lemon.

What, sorry?Backward. Arms out in front,

toes together. From here you'll bend your knees.

But whilst you're bending your knees,

you're gonna try and push your thighs together.

You're gonna make a lemon shape on the ice. Feet come apart

and then straighten your legs. Now, when you straighten your legs,

you're inevitably going to get this motion of your body weight going forward.

So try to keep a strong tummy. Keep your arms out.Oh God, all things I'm not good at.

It requires such a level of lower-body strength

that I feel like I'm basically in labour.

Heels, heels, heels.(GROANS)

What's happening?!

Sorry. I... (SPLUTTERS)

How do you get your heels together?!

That really came from the depths of your soul.(GROANS)

Having to squeeze like that, I couldn't stop making the noise.

Squeeze your -Keep going.(GROANS)

Come on! I think it's a boy!

It feels like a boy at the moment.

(GROANS)

(AGAIN)Stop!

(MIMICS GROANING)

What's that?!

When has that ever helped anyone ice-skate?

(GROANING)

You don't see Torvill and Dean go... (GROANS) Not in public anyway.

God knows what they do on tour.

Heels, heels, heels.(GROANING)

How's that?Yep. Yep.

Yeah. Feels like every time you look at me you start laughing.

But maybe that's just in my head. No, it's the noises. Sorry.

I've got to do it without the noises. That's gonna be scary for the kids.

Just a kid waking up on Christmas Eve. "What's wrong?"

"I just remember Olaf screaming like he was dying."

(GROANS)

Hold my hand. This one.

(GROANS)

(AGAIN)

I can't... I can't support you properly.

If there is a character that stays pretty much completely still

while going... (GROANS)...

.. then congratulations, kids, you get to see Romesh in Disney On Ice.

(BOTH WHISPERING)Oh, stop laughing. I know.It's bad, isn't it?

It is bad.

'It felt like our Disney dream was coming to an end before it had even started.

We were running out of time to show Jacqui we had any level of skill

which would allow us to perform in the show.'

OK, I'm not seeing it.

'We were in big trouble.

So with only an hour left, we got to work with Hannah.

I think it might be wise to show you both how to stop.

All I've done is stop! The only reason I'm moving

is cos of glacial erosion.

# 'Bear Necessities' (PLAYING) Step. Tap. Step. Tap.

Fuck my life.

The main aim is to get this skid sound.

There is a skid sound, but not that.

See how low you can get your bottom.

Oh, that was disgusting.

Fuck my life! It's alright, try again. Shall we have a break now?

No. Yeah...! Yes!

Oh... He could play Punda, based on that.

Going for a stop, Rom. Right. Nice brace and fall there.

Oh, God! Farted.

Did you fart?! Did you fart?No.

Arms up.

Not one arm, both of them.

Safety position, getting the bit into your heels. Good.

(MUSIC ENDS) Oh!Down he goes.

I think the fear factor's gone now. Put your pedal to the metal, mate,

give it some. (SINGS)# Under the sea

# Under that sea# Under the sea

# Oh, what could I be? # (YELLS)

I think I've shouted you to the floor.

I thought something was behind me!

I think I forced you to the ice with with the power of my voice.

I was petrified!

# 'Bear Necessities' (RESUMES, THEN ENDS)

What are we gonna do in the show?!

'With our training session over, it was time for Jacqui's verdict.

She began the day in high spirits.'

We have to decide what roles we'll be able to put you into

in the show. You'll be performing live in front of a paying audience.

'But now, she didn't seem so confident.'

There's some progress to be made and work to be done,

so I need you to practise in the meantime until we next meet again.

Non-stop, yeah.We'll see how much improvement you make the next time you practise

and we'll go from there.I mean, what a wasted afternoon for Jacqui.

She just must have thought, "Life is finite. What the fuck am I doing here?"

Sorry, sorry.You know the rule, never touch someone on the ice.

I'll just lemon it back. Just lemon it, boy.

There you go. Keep that core engaged.

Yeah...!(GROANS)

What I would say is, Disney On Ice should not have us involved in the show.

Thank you so much. You've been amazing,

both of you. Thank you for your patience. Thanks for your hard work today.

Look forward to getting our starring roles.Keep working.

'This Christmas, at your request,

we're trying to bag a role in Disney On Ice.

Trouble is, I can't skate, but Rom REALLY can't skate.'

I'm literally skating rings round him.

Woo!Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I've got you.

'After our training at Alexandra Palace,

it felt like we had no chance of breaking into the show.

But then Disney On Ice surprised us.

We have been invited to audition at their rehearsal base

in Bedfordshire. And it was at this point

we realised the scale of what we were up against.'

I... do not want to do this. OK?

I'm shit at ice-skating.

Christmas is supposed to be full of joy.

What have Rob and I done to deserve this anxiety dream?

'Disney On Ice had built an entire set

to prepare for the opening night of their Christmas tour.

The cast was here in full force,

putting the finishing touches to the performance,

and we'd arrived...' Here we go. Looks quite intimidating.

'.. to stick a spanner in the works.'

Nobody looks scared to be on the ice and worried they'll fall over.

(SIGHS) Oh God...

Very athletic physiques, everybody. Again, I've not seen a body

like mine out there.Yeah.

No safety gear, by the way.

'Performance director Jacqui was here to assess our ability.

Or lack of it. And make a call on whether we'd get in the show.'

Gentlemen.Oh, hello.How you doing?

Very good, thank you. Nice to see you. So would you like to meet the cast?

Oh. Yes. Sure.

Yeah. OK. Yeah.

Hey, guys. Come on over for a second.

Hello.

Nice to meet you. Hello, nice to meet you.

So this is Rob and Romesh. They're our newest cast members.

Which we're very excited about.(APPLAUSE)

Thanks. We're a bit worried Romesh is shit.

Will there be crash-mats or anything?

No. Sorry.

Cool.

Go ahead, let's get your skates on. Sure.

Let's have you out there. Yeah. See you out here.

Let's go, Rom. See you in a minute!

See you in a bit. (CLEARS THROAT) Kill me.

'Our expert teacher Hannah had come to try

and drag some sort of performance out of us.

But mostly she was just keeping Rom upright.'

Oh, God. You're alright, don't worry.

Come on now. Welcome back. OK, welcome back. Here you are.

'I was already wobbling. But Jacqui had a surprise that would hopefully be a distraction

from the fear of falling on my arse.'

We're going to introduce some really special guests this morning.

I'm sure you'll be excited to meet them.Oh my God!

Micky and Minnie!

Oh my...!

Wow! Hi, Minnie.I'm actually folding.

So this is Rob and Romesh.

Oh, they're fast, aren't they? Who gave them sweets?

I like that one.That wasn't...

Oh, yes, darling!

'Jacqui wanted us to demo our skills to the cast.'

Do you want to show them some backwards lemons maybe?

Yeah, sure. Do you wanna go first? Remember how to do those?Of course. 'But I wasn't over the moon

about being paraded in front of professional ice-skaters.' "These people do it for a living

and you've skated once. Can you show them what you've learned?"

(GROANS) That right? (GROANS)

How would Jacqui like it if, after one day of doing stand-up,

I said, "Here's Michael McIntyre, Bill Burr, Ali Wong.

Can you give us your best five minutes?" Awful.

Almost.

Apologies to all the comedians I didn't name there. Rob Beckett, I suppose.

Really steaming up, boy. Getting a bead on.

I'm really sweating here.

Never seen anyone sweat stood still!

Gonna say goodbye to Micky and Minnie now?

'Bye. 'Bye. Such a massive fan. Thank you.

See you Minnie, see you, Micky. Take care, guys.

I hope you stay together forever. Remember, marriage takes work.

Says you.Not myself, mate.

'We obviously weren't going to be Disney's most famous couple.

But as there are hundreds of roles in the show, we still had a chance to land something.

Unfortunately, though, ice-skating wasn't the only skill required.

We'd also have to lip-synch.'

# (MAN LIP-SYNCHS TO A SONG)

'We'd be testing our lip-synching skills

as various characters from the show. Sebastian The Crab,

from The Little Mermaid, and Maui, the hench demi-god fron Moana.

Hannah had brought us to the rehearsal studio

to guide is through it.'

It's gonna be all these children looking up at you,

really exccitedly. It might be the first time they've seen the show

and I thought it be good - Can I say,

he doesn't look like a man I want children to see?

What does that mean?

I wouldn't bring my child to see you as a treat.

OK. What would you bring your child to see me for?A punishment.OK.

I think you might surprise us, if I'm honest.

Thank you.I think you both will. OK, got some lyrics for you.

Lovely.I want you to do just what feels natural at first.

OK.OK? So let's just see what you come up with.

What's the song? Little Mermaid Under The Sea.

OK.Sebastian.Right.

Ready?Yeah. OK.OK, let's see what you do.

Five, six, seven, eight.

# 'Little Mermaid Under The Sea # Shall I stand up? (LIP-SYNCHING) # The seaweed is always greener

# In somebody else's lake

# You dream about going up there But that is a big mistake

# Just look at the world around you Right here on the ocean floor

# Such wonderful things surround you What more is you looking for?

# Under the sea, under the sea

# Darlin', it's better Down where it's wetter

# Take it from me

# Up on the shore, they work all day

# Out in the sun, they slave away

# While we devotin' Full time to floatin'

# Under the sea #

It says "laughter."

OK. That was... yeah!

Yeah?Yeah!How was that?Yeah.

It was good. Ish.Was that bad?

No.I feel like I nailed it. OK, right, here's what I'm thinking.

If you were on a stage and there was nine thousand people there, would the back row be able to see

what you were doing?I probably could have give you more of my body then.

But it felt weird to -I felt we got just enough of your body.

Really?That was my gut feeling, I don't know.

Did you want more body?Yes.

He wanted less body.I felt like I was very much in the front row.

And I wanted to be at the back. You've got to let go of the fact

that it's a little bit awkward - Right. OK. Let's go again.

Five, six, seven, eight.

# (SONG RESUMES)

# The seaweed is always greener In somebody else's lake

# You dream about going up there But that is a big mistake

# Just look at the world around you Right here on the ocean floor

# Such wonderful things Surround you... # Yeah, I don't like it.

It is supposed to be like a lap-dance?

I just... I didn't -

Why did you start approaching me? I couldn't do more body.

I didn't know what else to do. That was so - I wanted to take my jumper off.

Why was it so grindy?It just feels like quite a sexy song.

It's not sexy.OK.

Well, you're gonna have a go at the same song. Let's see how you go.

So here's your lyrics. You're gonna sit there

and as soon as the music starts, your soul will leave your body.

OK. Fine.Alright. Five, six,

seven, eight.

(LIP-SYNCHS) # The seaweed Is always greener

# In somebody else's lake

# You dream about going up there But that is a big mistake

# Just look at the world around you Right here on the ocean floor

# Such wonderful things surround you What more is you looking for?

# Under the sea, under the sea

That's good, innit?Yeah.

# Darlin', it's better Down where it's wetter

# Take it from me

# Up on the shore they work all day Out in the sun, they slave away

# While we devotin' Full time to floatin'

# Under the sea #

OK.

Very good!That was amazing!Thanks.

What the fuck was I doing?!

Do you know what? You really -

That was really great! It was really good!

I just turned into some sort of stripper -

This is what yours is like. (SINGS) # Under the sea

# Life is much better Down where it's wetter

# Take it from me #

Wow.I've got a lot of work to do.

Have you seen Rob doing Under The Sea at Spearmint Rhino?

It's amazing.So we're gonna try something a little bit different.

It's a completely different story, with a different vibe. That'll be good for me.

I've got a feeling he's gonna make it sexual.

Are you ready?Uh, yeah.

OK.What is this?

Moana.This from Moana.I'm Maui. Oh, no, he's sexy, isn't he?

We are here. But remember there's a broader audience as well.

Forget you.No, no, don't forget us, cos we could be the front row.

You could be making our day with eye-contact.OK. Having a nice moment.Unlikely.

But not too long. If it starts feeling awkward to you,

it'll probably start to feel awkward for us.Just based on that,

you must feel very awkward. Cos I know I did.I didn't like it.

Here we go.

# (PERCUSSIVE SONG BEGINS)

(LIP-SYNCHS) # I see What's happening here

# You're face to face With greatness and it's strange

Keep going. Keep going. # You don't even know how you feel

# It's adorable! Well, it's nice to see

# That humans never change

# Open your eyes, let's begin

# Yes, it's really me, it's Maui Breathe it in

# I know it's a lot The hair, the bod

# When you're staring at a demi-god

# What can I say Except you're welcome? #

OK. Well done. That was really good.

The thing is, you need to keep moving your mouth.

All I was thinking was, "I should have stayed at the flower market. This isn't for you."

Rob does not like that type of performance.

He doesn't like the music, he doesn't like to throw himself out there.

So yeah, I think I've got to win by default.

I'm not good at it, but thankfully I am better than someone who dances like a pervert.

Rob's head had gone, and Hannah decided not to subject us to any more of his performances.

I think there are ways we can pull out the best in you both.

The raw ingredients are there. You've both got really good things you're working on.

It's why we're a double act. We're not a double act.

We need each other. (CHUCKLES)So depressing.

We were auditioning for roles in a Disney on Ice show.

So far, my skating has been our biggest problem.

I can't squeeze it out.

There you go. You're doing it almost.Shit!

But then Rob levelled the playing field

with his X-rated version of a Disney classic.

Is it supposed to be like a lap dance?

It just feels like quite a sexy song.

It's not sexy!OK.

We were due to be meeting the show's performance director Jacqui

so she could let us know whether we'd made the cut.

I think I've got your ones.

These are too long. Mine one seems too short.

I've got your ones.

(AS JOE PASQUALE) My one feels just right!(LAUGHS)

Hi, guys! Hello, Jacqui.Hello, Jacqui.

I've had the chance to review

and I'm about to reveal your roles, if you'd like to know.Oh, yes!

OK. You're both gonna be citizens in the Frozen segment.

Great! Love is an Open Door.

When my mum and dad first came over, they wanted to be citizens. That's great.

So, we were going to be characters in the Frozen segment of the show

when Hans proposes to Anna.

# Love is an open door

It's the headline production in Disney on ice.

But that wasn't Jacqui's only news.

There's two different roles.

One is slightly bigger than the other.

I've asked Anna to feed back on what you've been working on.

Yeah, I think Romesh will nail it.

That's actually who we've chosen to do it.Great decision.

After all your work with your presentation and singalongs,

we just think you're gonna get the role with the line.

You've got a line? A line.Why not?

Is it because I cannot lip-synch?

Because he lacks any musical ability at all?(LAUGHS)

Could be.Yeah, OK.

How long will we be involved for in the show?

You'll probably be on the ice for about four minutes.

That's about three and a half minutes more than I hoped for. That is wonderful.

So I'm gonna get with the cast and get ready to do rehearsals.

See you guys in a little bit. Greta. Thank you so much.

I'm slightly worried. You should be worried.

Basically, we're shuffling on and off.

But at the moment you can't even skate.No.

The issue for you is, you're gonna have to hit your mark

because it's all timed exactly.

If you're not there in time,

you'll be lip-synching in the dark, in the corner, shuffling along.

OK.Watching you on the ice, it makes me miss my nan.

What do you mean? Was she Asian? (LAUGHS)

Terrible ice skater. Lovely legs, though.

Can I ask you... I'm sitting like this, what do you think?

I think it's the only way with legs that thin.

I reckon without the boot on, you could whip it round and do a full cheese twist.

(AS KENNY EVERETT) In the best possible taste!

Bottom half, I fancy you. Do you really?

Yeah, with clothes on.

From behind, with a pair of leggings, you're a bit of meat.

Jesus Christ! (LAUGHS)

Jacqui wanted us to do a walk-through of the scene

so we knew our roles before we took on a more formal rehearsal with the cast.

Getting to the fountain and sit - To the fountain?

On the front of the fountain. Sit?

My role, I'm a man that skates out, sits down...

I'll do a spin to and sit. Would that look good?Yeah, great.

At one point I'm doing nothing more than the audience.

Our characters needed to be enthusiastic,

which Rom struggles with at the best of times.

But it was even harder for him on ice skates.

# Tracking along

You're having a fake conversation.

I started telling her what I was having for dinner that night.

I think I'm gonna go... Wait. Do it big.

I think I'm gonna go vegetable jalfrezi,

probably get a chana masala on the side...

You've got to give it energy.

"I think I'll have a jalfrezi!" No stereotype!

They do a really great vegan peshwari naan.Yummy!

So I'm gonna go for that as well.

I was confident about the ice skating, cos I can sort of do it.

All this lip-synching and miming and over-the-top...

Whoa! I'm just not a performer type.

I'm just a bloke who likes doing stand-up.

The reason I am where I am, Micky Flanagan got famous

and then got lazy.

Once I'd shuffled my way around the stage,

it was time for my big moment in the spotlight.

The girl is gonna go, "Snow? Snow in July?"

And you're gonna go, "The Queen has cursed the land!"

The Queen has cursed the land! Bigger!Bigger?Yeah.

(MORE EXPRESSIVE) The Queen has cursed the land!

Finish with your arms higher.

The Queen has cursed the land!

Well done, mate!Better.

After your line, we're going to exit though centre.

Exit through centre. Let's go. Am I going as well?Yeah.

The run-through had gone pretty well

and for the first time, I was feeling a little more confident on the ice.

They've go to get off now. (SINGS) Love is an open door...

(GROANS, THUD)

There he goes. Are you OK?Romesh has gone.

Absolutely stacked it.

I'll be honest with you,

when your sum total time of skating without assistance

is three minutes,

and one and a half of those was flat on your back...

I'm fine.I'm so sorry, I feel awful.

..it starts to shatter your confidence about your ability to do a part in Disney on Ice.

I feel so terrible. I'm fine.I was skating away...

I'm fine, thanks. I'm sorry.

You were getting so good, we weren't worried about you anymore.

You did so well.

My confidence had hit an all-time low.

To make matters worse, the cast rehearsal was next.

We'll go through all of the scene.

Then we'll exit like you would in the show.

But Jacqui had clearly lost faith in me.

As I waited to take to the stage,

it turned out I wasn't going anywhere without a chaperone.

Yeah. Thank you.

Oh, God.

Hello, everybody.

What time's this coronation starting?

When my assistant had something more important to do than babysit me...

Goodbye. Oh, hello.

..they were promptly replaced by someone else.

Hi. Romesh. What's your name? Michaela.Nice to meet you.

I'm absolute actually shit. You know that, right?

You could hold that!

# Love is an Open Door

Aww! This is sweet, isn't it?

Ahh!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ain't got a ring? Behave!

When it was time for me to start moving,

my third and final chaperone began ushering me into position.

Oh, hello.Want to hold my arm? Sure, I'd love to.

I would say I got round the ice

in the same way that you might move livestock around the ice.

Marriage? Wow! So soon! They must be Asian!

I think somebody said to the people assisting me,

"Imagine a cow's got ice skates on and you've got to get it to its mark."

Ooh, sh... Oh!

Just a really sad cow being dragged around the ice.

Are you going to do your line? OK.

And at one point, that cow delivers a line.

It's snow!

Dramatic, remember?

The Queen has cursed the land!

I've got to take this opportunity to apologise to the Disney Corporation

and to anybody that comes to watch the show.

I'm so sorry! Don't be sorry. It's OK.

Whoo!I got you.Ooh! Ooh!

It's an absolute disaster.

I'm holding Rob responsible, the viewers responsible, and Sky responsible too.

God. You're OK. I got you.Thank you.

There's gonna be news stories about this. "Kids horrified

as an Asian man falls to his death at Disney on Ice in Sheffield."

Oh, my goodness. That was terrifying. Very frightening.

That's what's going to happen. I hope you're ready for that.

It won't be my fault. I'll be dead. I won't give a shit.

How did that feel, guys?On the edge of a panic attack the whole time.

The day couldn't have ended on more of a downer for me.

However mad it seemed, in less than a month, I'd be skating unassisted

in front of 5,000 people in Sheffield.

Be honest with me.

The fall was bad.Really bad. At the moment,

you need to think about what you're gonna do for the next month.

You have to learn to skate.

At the moment, it's like a dying man is being dragged out

to say his final goodbye to the arena.

Probably what will happen with you.

A description of my last tour in three years' time.

Yeah, but at the moment it looks like you've got to no core and you're blind.

Those two things are very true.

OK.Try and name faults that aren't true of me in reality.

Your top half is too heavy for your bottom half.

That's also true.

What are you going to say next? You got no arse?

I think it's going to be great. For me.

You've just got to go and sit down.

I'm actually rehearsing for it now! Always on.

All you've got to do is find a box, sit on it at home

and just look excited about shit going on in front of you.

You've got to learn how to skate. Absolutely.

Shall we go? Get your bag, boy. Every day, skate.

Just leave that can there. Fuck it.

That'll recycle itself. That'll biodegrade.

On your request, Rom and I have teamed up with Disney on Ice

to perform live at a sold-out show in Sheffied.

(GROANS)

We've spent the last few months training,

and against the odds, we've successfully auditioned for roles.

We've made great strides in rehearsals...

The queen has cursed the land!

..until...

Whoa! (GROANS)

..I went flying and it felt like I was back to square one.

But, as they say in the business, the show must go on.

Sheffield was dressed for Christmas,

and in just a few hours we'd be making our debut in Disney on Ice.

We'd arrived at the Utilita Arena alongside some of the 5,000 Disney fans

whose night we were hoping not to ruin with our performance.

So as they took to their seats to wait for curtain up,

we'd been sent to get our costumes fitted

with wardrobe assistant Kerry Jones.

Is it usual for Disney on Ice to wear a body condom?

Very normal.Why do I look like one of my aunties?

What are you covering up there? Nothing.

Let the dog see the rabbit. It's like an aubergine.

Your look like a smooth man, like an Action Man.

Am I supposed to tuck this in, Kerry?

Yes. You look bananas, mate.

I look bananas?

Waistcoat.

It's going to be a challenging piss in this outfit, isn't it?

What's going on down there? Yeah.

I don't like that.

Why don't you like it?

I look like I've got a vagina.

Yeah, you do look a lot like you've got a vagina.

How was the outfit loose, but tight there?

We were almost looking the part as citizens from Frozen.

But Kerry wanted to make sure we were really in the role.

Do you feel like a citizen now? I feel like a citizen... Yeah.

What kind of citizen?Me and my friend here have grown up together.

You know, we're best mates, but...

He looked after me at school. My nickname was Chunky Vagina.

And then he took me under his wing. Mm-hm.

And he's never judged me for it. No.

You don't look like you've got the, um...

You do, actually. it looks so much like a vagina.

(LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)

I'm worried. I don't know why they've given me this part.

It's insane.

Nobody has ever gone, "That went badly,

But it's easier in front of 5,000 people and with the lights off."

And that is what I'm staring down the barrel of.

It is literally going to be a Christmas miracle

if I pull this off.

One way or another, we were about to find out

because...it was showtime.

(DISNEY THEME MUSIC STARTS)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.

Feld Entertainment welcomes you to Disney on Ice.

(CHEERING) This is the place

where magic begins.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

Disney on Ice's biggest shows were wowing the audience.

And as the cast of were putting on a flawless display...

..we were summoned backstage.

Are you nervous?

Well... I feel a bit nervous, then I remember you've got to do

what you've got to do. No-one's gonna care about me...

(LAUGHS)..because of the way you look on the ice!

(LAUGHS)

I don't... It's a bit like weeing yourself,

then someone walks past after they've shit themselves.

"I'm OK. This bloke's just messed..."

(LAUGHS) "Look over there."

I'm a bit worried that there's no-one helping you now.

Well, you've been barking about it the whole time.

Because I think you'll make a better end of the show.

We were about to see if Rom could hold it together,

because Mickey and Minnie were back to introduce the Frozen segment of the show.

ANNOUNCER: And now we've got a story about two sisters.

One is a fearless princess who goes on a quest

to find the sister she loves.

And the other's a queen who courageously conquers her fears.'

(BELLS RING)

Oh, shit.Not yet.

Now.Now?

That must mean its coronation day in Arendelle!

(MUSIC AND CHATTER)

I was buzzing to be out in front of the crowd,

but Rom was nowhere to be seen.

Hey! I'm so sorry. Are you hurt?

Uh, I'm great.

I'd come out too early, so I was stood in the dark at the back of the stage.

This is a nightmare.

Oh, gosh. This is awkward.

What's going on? Can I just say something...

I was stuck in the shadows, waving randomly until...

# All my life has been...

OK. ..a member of cast scrambled

to get me into position.

Thank you.

I was excited to see the flowercart man.

Oh wow! Look at this.

Mostly because it gave me something to lean on.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

While Rome was having a nightmare over in the corner,

I was loving it on my bench.

# Known before, love is an open door

# Love is an open door

I was having a great time.

But Rom looked shell-shocked.

# With you # (With you)

# Love is an open door

# Can I say something crazy?

# Will you marry me?

# Can I say something even crazier?

# Yes! (CHEERING)

# Love is an open door #

Go, Rom!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hans and Anna had blown the audience away.

But now I had to start skating on my own.

Oh. Pardon. Sorry.

Can we just get around there? Thank you.

Oh, there she is. Elsa? I mean, Queen.

It was taking a lot of concentration.

And what I hadn't prepared for was hecklers.

Your Majesty, we would like your blessing...

Marriage? I'm confused.

Well, we haven't worked out all the details.

The hecklers were distracting me and I was starting to lag behind.

Wait.What? You can't marry a man...

Fortunately, a member of the cast was hovering to rescue me.

Thank you.Oh, you know how to shut people out.

But...the heckling was getting worse.

Now, all I could think about was falling.

Excuse me.

Now all I could think about was falling.

But I still had to deliver my line.

Please. What did I ever do to you? Why?

(ROB CHUCKLES)

QUEEN: I said, enough!

(ALL SCREAM)

Let's see if Rom can do it.

By now, I'd given up on solo skating

and I was happy to be towed into position.

Snow? It's snow!

In July?

(DELAYED LIP-SYNCHED) 'The queen cursed the land.

Are you all right?'

Was that bad?

I'd blown it.

Now, all I wanted was to get off the stage.(LAUGHS)

'What? No. It's too dangerous.

I'm going with you. No.'

I got you! I got you.

And now we're going to leave. Let's go.

'Are you sure you can trust her? I don't want you getting hurt.'

Oh, that went bad. How did that go?

Perfect. Now we're going to hang a left.

I got you. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, my God. That was horrifying.

Oh, gosh. Thank you.

Horrifying.

I got my timing wrong. I got the line out.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, my God.

Well done, Rob. I didn't know there was going to be pyrotechnics.

It's totally different to the rehearsal.

You were stood in the dark? Yeah. For most of it, yeah.

(LAUGHS) I basically...

The first bit, I couldn't be seen at all!

I was waving, going, "Why isn't anyone reacting to me?"

Was somebody coming in the dark?

Also, I was really put off by the people shouting.

Someone went, "Is that Rob Beckett?"

Then the parent went, "It can't be, it's a woman."

What a horrific woman, by the way.

I just kept getting, "Don't fall over, Romesh, will you?"

So, as the professionals wrapped up a spectacular show

for the thousands of fans...

..it hadn't been Rom's finest hour, but we'd done it!

We'd performed in Disney on Ice, and, incredibly,

neither of us had ended up on our backsides.

Well, I would say...a slight disaster from my point of view.

I think huge success. Well, for you it might've been.

For me...I think for the production as a whole,

that went great.

What I would say is, Rom,

you stood in the darkness, no-one could see you.

When you did skate, you went too slow, you got left for dead.

Then people dragged you round the ice,

people were heckling, "You're rubbish, you can't skate."

At some point you nearly ruined the whole show.

But what I would say is, though, I didn't fall over.

You didn't fall over.

Now that...is a Christmas miracle.

Oh...That's what they normally do at the end of Christmas season.

That's really nice. Yeah? Merry Christmas.

I'll tell you what else - What do I tell the cameraman? I did it wrong.

What IS a Christmas miracle is getting this out my arse.

I can do it for you. (LAUGHS)

That's what I was gonna say! (BOTH LAUGH)

# It won't be Christmas without you

# Smiling faces round the tree

# Baby, you're not here with me

# I'm praying one wish Will come true

# Cos I know it won't be Christmas without you

# It won't be Christmas, baby

# Baby, Christmas without you

# It won't be Christmas, baby... #

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