Original subtitles

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(♪ Trumpet fanfare)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

♪ It's a song of spring, song of laughter gay

♪ Song of love and life in the Paris way

♪ Song of happiness that will bring a smile

♪ To the hearts of everybody

♪ In a small café for a quiet hour

♪ Or the crowded street round the Eiffel tower

♪ You hear the refrain again and again

♪ Lovely Paris melody

(Sings in French)

(In French)

A bathing suit!

Sh!

Why must she pose in a bathing suit?

That will not do anything for the circulation of my newspaper!

Ah, but Monsieur Martin,

this one will do something to anybody's circulation.

Mais non.

My readers expect something different, something unguarded.

Unguarded?

So you expect me to take a camera and hide under Clementine's bed?

It would be despicable. It would mean...

Ah, it would mean a very small camera and a special lens...

Hide where you like, my friend,

but if you want me to believe your publicity,

remember the golden rule:

that a man will ignore the whole of the Folies Bergére

to follow a girl on a windy day.

♪ La chanson d'amour

Oh, that will do for now, René.

I have a lunch date with an English estate agent.

Mademoiselle Clementine?

She is changing. She won't be five minutes.

(Clicks heels) de Sarliac.

Eh?

(Clicks heels) de Sarliac.

Oh, I'm sorry.

My name is Comte de Sarliac. (Clicks heels)

Oh, I see.

How do you do? My name's Barret.

Ah, Mr Barret, it is obvious to see that you are a gentleman.

I'm English, you know.

Makes no difference. As a gentleman you will understand.

Today I was careless enough to come out without my wallet.

Oh, bad luck. But surely you must have credit everywhere.

I have.

(Laughs)

Of course I have.

But it's such an inconvenience to be without loose change

for the pourboire and the like, you know.

Monsieur Barret, I would be deeply grateful if you would cash me a small cheque.

I'm afraid my French money's nearly run out.

And as I'm taking Mademoiselle Clementine out to lunch...

- So you insult me! - Look here, just because...

As if my fiancée would have lunch with you!

You mean you're engaged to Clementine?

- She has that honour. - Ah, but last night...

Are you suggesting that I'm a liar?

- No, but... - Knave, honour me.

It is an honour to have one's blood shed by a de Sarliac.

(Big Ben chimes)

So this chap de Sarliac tried to run you through, did he?

- Luckily I did most of the running. - I bet you did.

Amazing city, Paris.

- Ever been there, Matthew? - Certainly not.

You ought to go, Matthew. You'd love it.

Really? From what you've been saying,

the whole place is nothing but a sink of iniquity.

Maybe it is,

but in that sink there's some smashing bits of crockery.

Time I was getting back to the office.

Under the circumstances, I'll bid you both au revoir

- Good afternoon, sir. - Afternoon, Waterson.

Oh, Matt, Mother's here again.

Oh, no. That's the third time this week.

I wish she'd let me run the place my way.

- Oh, hello, Mother. - You take a very long lunch hour, Matthew.

Sorry, Mother. I didn't know that you were coming.

So it appears.

Look at these French sales. They're going down appallingly.

Stomach pills have seasonal fluctuations, and when the picnicking starts...

In your poor father's day, Matthew, stomachs did not fluctuate.

He saw to that.

You must go to Paris tomorrow and ginger them up.

- The stomachs? - The staff.

I'll write them a stiff letter.

Your poor father always said it was useless writing to foreigners.

- His motto was: go to Paris and do it yourself. - But Mother...

You must catch the early plane tomorrow and be back by nightfall.

- I don't have to spend the night there? - Certainly not.

Though I believe even Lady Marchmont does it occasionally.

Now, first of all you must go to Lebrun

and tell him that ever since your poor father's time

it's been impossible to know what's going on at that Paris office.

And what's more, if Lebrun can't put his house in order,

we'll soon find someone who can.

I want you to emphasise the fact that we'll stand no more nonsense.

- And if... - Yes, Mother.

I really must be going now.

I've known your poor father have to spend a whole week in Paris

before he was satisfied.

I don't doubt that for a moment, Mother, but I simply must rush. My plane.

Oh, that draught.

Goodbye, dear. See you tonight.

Goodbye, Mother.

Matt, if you happen to be near a scent shop...

Yes, I'll bring you some. Goodbye.

Bon voyage.

I'm being as brief as I can, Lebrun,

but I must lay emphasis on those qualities

which have made the Ibbetson's stomach pill what it is today:

keenness and alertness.

And now, do you keep...?

- Lebrun! - Oui monsieur?

Do you keep a departmental costing index to show market fluctuations?

Mais non, monsieur

Where are your tabulated comparison charts of biannual overall sales?

This is inexcusable.

No charts, no...

Show me what you had ready for my poor father when he came here.

Mais oui monsieur

Marie-Louise.

Chérie, the file, s'il vous plaît.

- I shall be leaving on the plane tonight, so... - Leaving tonight?

Why, yes.

I have a lot of recommendations so can this young lady stay late?

No one can stay late better than Marie-Louise.

Good, because I shall need all my notes typed in triplicate.

Oh, she can't type, monsieur.

What?

You see, monsieur, your sainted father...

It shall be done, monsieur.

Come on, come on. We must hurry now.

Tell me, Pierre, what is this publicity stunt of yours?

It is based on psychology.

Whose psychology? Yours?

Clementine, don't you realise that the men will ignore the whole of the Folies Bergére

to follow a girl when the wind is up.

But there is no wind today.

Leave that to me. Come on.

Right. Can you get this lot sorted out by six o'clock?

Six o'clock?

Oui monsieur

Good. I'll collect it on the way to the airport.

I've got a little shopping to do first. Goodbye.

Au revoir, monsieur

On the stroke of eleven. Remember?

On the stroke of eleven. Remember?

Ça va?

On the stroke of eleven. Remember?

Yes, yes, I remember.

Two minutes to go.

Minuit d'amour, monsieur

Midnight of Love.

It is for a lovely lady who is abandoned?

No, it's for a younger sister who's a secretary.

Haven't you anything...?

Midnight wasn't just what I had in mind.

Something a little earlier.

More teatime as it were.

Ah, oui je comprends, monsieur

Ah!

Voici Matin de printemps.

- Morning in Spring. - Oh.

- Oh, allow me. - Merci

- Oh dear! - Pardon.

How very clumsy of me. I'll take that one and a full one.

Trés bien, monsieur

That will be 12,000 francs.

(Clock chiming)

Do I go now?

(Gasps)

(Shouts in French)

Eh, alors? Ça vient, ma jupe?

(Clamour)

(Clamour)

(Shouting)

A million thanks, monsieur. Vous avez été wonderful.

Oh, nonsense. Any Englishman would do the same.

Vraiment? What a nation!

Vive l'Angleterre! Vive l'Angleterre!

Ooh, la, la, la, la, la!

(Laughs)

Aha! Monsieur Ibbetson.

So you found time to see some of the...beauties of Paris.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, good heavens, it's in the papers.

Naturally. Clementine is not exactly a nobody.

Who? Do you mean to say you know this girl?

Everyone knows her.

She is an artiste of the cabaret.

Really?

At present she sings at the Chat Noir

Ah, what a pity you must go back tonight.

- You could have heard her for yourself. - Out of the question. My mother...

My work is very pressing at the moment.

Of course we could send a telegram to say that you had missed the last plane.

After all, it would be only polite to call on the lady.

You think so, do you? Hm.

Hm.

(Eastern music)

Merci

Is this chair engaged, monsieur?

- No. - Thank you.

Trois.

Three.

There are seven veils altogether, monsieur. This was number three.

This dance has such aesthetic beauty.

Its appeal is really more intellectual than...

Oh!

Four.

Naturally, this dance has a peculiar reaction on the tourist.

But of course, a person as...

Five.

But I love the music, monsieur. Don't you love the music?

It reminds me of the four musicians.

And the aesthetic notes.

Oh!

Stay away, peasant.

I find the music calms me down.

It has such a soothing effect upon me, monsieur.

Six.

Control yourself, monsieur.

Do not overexcite yourself with this.

Seven.

Ah!

(Applause)

♪ Just a song of Paris

♪ Haunting old refrain

♪ Hear it softly sighing

♪ Search us with romantic strain

♪ A melody for lovers

(Speaks French)

♪ Strolling near the Seine

♪ Melody of Paris

♪ Floating through the rain

♪ Lonely hearts can hear it whisper

♪ Love will be returning soon

♪ Clouds will roll away, revealing

♪ Kisses 'neath the summer moon

♪ Just a song of Paris

♪ Music meant for two

♪ Brings me sweetest memories

♪ Memories of you

(Sings in French)

Your pardon, but today I was careless enough to come out without my wallet.

- Well done. - For the Comte de Sarliac

of course there's credit everywhere.

But it is so inconvenient not to have loose change for le pourboire and the like.

I should be most grateful if you would cash a small cheque for me.

Comte de Sarliac? Delighted.

Oh, you might?

How good for you.

Shall we say 30,000?

Do you prefer any particular bank, monsieur?

Monsieur Bertrand, vous avez vu?

Eh, Tibou?

Oui?

Regarde-moi ça.

Oh!

♪ Just a song of Paris

Ah, monsieur le comte, I did not see you before.

I imagine you have come to settle that trifling little matter.

Oui oui oui

If you'll excuse me.

Of course.

♪ Melody for lovers

♪ Morning, noon and night

♪ Melody of Paris

♪ Floating through the rain

♪ Lonely hearts can hear it whisper

♪ Love will be returning soon

♪ Clouds will roll away, revealing

♪ Kisses 'neath the summer moon

♪ Just a song of Paris

♪ Music meant for two

♪ Brings me sweetest memories

♪ Memories of you

(Applause)

I am so pleased to see you, monsieur.

Ibbetson, Matthew Ibbetson.

- Won't you sit down? - Yes.

Monsieur?

Would you do me the honour of...?

Yes, thank you.

François knows my taste, I'm afraid.

I wondered whether you'd recovered from your little accident this morning.

- It's so easy to catch cold round... - Round the Eiffel Tower, yes.

You were very sweet.

Oh, and I must return you this.

- Oh, my fountain pen. - Yes.

It clipped itself at the bottom of my... You know.

Oh, it was so amusing.

Mon dieu!

Marcel must have found some fool to cash him a cheque.

(All shouting in French)

To us, Mr Ibbetson.

- Matthew. - Matthew.

Oh, c'est mignon.

This fiancé of yours, mademoiselle...

Did Marcel say that?

Oh, no, it's just a great big lie.

He wants to marry me so I tell him no.

Then he says he will kill any man who looks at me.

He's quite mad.

Really? He's only joking, of course.

No, no, he means it.

Oh, but don't worry. He seems fully occupied at present.

(Shouting)

But he's got money, I tell you, real money.

He's just given me deux milles.

Don't let him leave the place. I'll be round in two minutes.

A bientôt, alors.

Seven million stomach pills a month?

Mais c'est formidable!

Well, that's not counting the emulsion and the liver pills and the anti-bile.

You must be a very rich man.

Oh, I'm moderately comfortable.

I do wish our French sales were a bit better.

In France you must sell the stomach pills to the women to give to their husbands.

Oh, poor Marcel!

(All shouting in French)

We shall dance, no?

Dance? I'm not very good at dancing, I'm afraid.

Just hold me in your arms and you'll seem perfectly respectable.

Clementine, are you quite sure you've never been to England?

Bien sûr, Matthew.

Amazing!

London's such a beautiful city.

Spring in Hyde Park,

sunshine on St James's

and the moonlight on the Albert Hall.

Oh, good heavens, they seem to be closing up.

Come on, Matthew, you can walk me home.

Perhaps we'll find something to compare with your Albert Hall.

Mademoiselle Clementine, where is she?

She has just left with the Englishman, monsieur le comte.

So!

Here is home.

You will come in for coffee, no?

Well, no, thanks, really.

Why? One doesn't do that in England?

- Well, it would be a little unconventional. - It will be nice. I make good coffee.

No, really, I couldn't.

- Bonjour, mademoiselle. - Bonjour, Antoine.

Jour? Good heavens, already?

That is a very pretty compliment, Matthew.

A bientôt

- Bonjour - Bonjour

(Coughing)

Mother, it's Matthew.

Well?

Nothing.

Morning, Mother. Morning, Jenny.

You got my wire saying I missed the plane, I suppose?

Yes, Matthew. I got it an hour before the plane left Paris.

And in the circumstances, I can only put the blackest interpretation.

Matthew, this is too much.

Why, what's wrong?

Not content with your sordid deceit

but you come home drenched in cheap perfume.

Oh. Well, it wasn't cheap. I bought it for Jenny and some got spilled.

- How sweet of you. - You be quiet.

Matthew, I'm disgusted with you.

And if you've been doing what I think you've been doing...

But, Mother, I haven't been doing.

I was with the Count de Sarliac all last night.

With whom?

Marcel de Sarliac. He's a Count.

My dear boy, of course he's a Count.

It's one of the oldest families in Europe.

And I thought...

- Did you say Marcel? - Yes.

Sounds like the senior branch of the house, but I'll just go and look it up.

You're a psychologist, Matt.

Who were you really with?

Her name was Clementine.

Was she very lovely?

Very lovely indeed.

Oh, well, I must get along to the office.

- I'll go and change. - Oh, Matt?

- Mm? - I think you have changed.

Yes?

Oh!

- Chief in, Jenny? - Yes, but he's awfully busy.

- Anything I can do? - Nothing, really.

The happy laughing Board of Trade have turned down our import licence again.

Oh, dear. I'll go and see if he can spare a moment.

Trouble is, he's catching up on yesterday.

(Hums)

That's rather nice, Matt.

Oh...

Something you heard in Paris?

Yes.

Are you thinking of going back?

I was.

I've just remembered seven million stomach pills.

Can't you try and forget them again?

Be a dear and get me the departmental costing index, will you?

Yes, Matt.

You look very sad, Clementine.

My work at the club finishes tonight.

As my grandmother used to say,

life is like a green gherkin in the middle of a fruit salad.

What did she mean?

Who can tell? She'd been barmy for years.

I must find another job, and after that another one. Where will it end?

There's only one job for you, Clementine. It's to become la Comtesse de Sarliac.

Oh, for the hundredth time, Marcel, no!

Hey!

Hey!

I beg of you, become the first lady of all the de Sarliac estates in Normandy.

- For the hundred and fifth time, Marcel, no! - Oh!

And as for those estates of yours, no one has ever seen them.

But they are there.

If the ocean should recede, we shall be able to live in luxury.

Oh dear, I'm late. Oh!

About turn, Errol Flynn!

My love,

you know I have eyes only for you.

Oh, be sensible, Marcel!

One again, for the last time.

- (Screams) No! - Oh, my love...

Already? But a moment ago she was...

- Oh, go and watch her take them all off again. - But Clementine...

Oh, zut!

Matthew.

Au revoir

- Matthew? - Yes?

A visitor for you.

Good lord!

That is not very gallant, Matthew.

But...

- When did you leave Paris? - This morning.

My work at the club finished. Marcel became insufferable.

I remembered what you said about England, so here I am.

Does...? Does Marcel know you're here?

- Nobody knows. - Oh!

I just told my concierge I would be away for a few months.

Months?

Oh, Jenny, a new British restaurant has just opened in Leeds.

They'll be needing a lot more stomach pills so fetch me the file, will you?

But Mother, Matthew's busy...

- Jenny, I am speaking. - Oh.

- Oh, Mother.

- This is Mademoiselle... - Enchantée, madame.

And what is Mademoiselle Enchantée doing here?

Mademoiselle Duclot. Yes, Duclot, from the Paris office.

Come to see how we do it over here.

Oh, Mother, you know of course

that Mademoiselle Duclot is a Bourbon on the distaff side.

- But... - Yes, yes, that's right.

A Bourbon, one of the oldest families in France, Mother.

Really? Dear child, welcome to London.

Matthew, see that Mademoiselle Duclot has a desk in Jenny's office.

I want her given every facility.

But Mother, surely you...

Matthew, I am speaking.

Mademoiselle, we shall expect you for dinner tonight.

- You're most kind. - Now, if you'll forgive me,

I must ring some of my friends. So much to tell them.

Come along, Jenny.

Your mother is very nice.

Now I've got a job here.

This is impossible. She'll find out we met in Paris.

Matthew, I am speaking.

A desk in Jenny's office and every facility.

Oh, good lord!

Oh, where's Jenny?

- She won't be long. - Oh.

- Oh, Matthew? - Yes?

I have been thinking.

Oh, what about?

I cannot possibly stay at the hotel.

- Why ever not? - The Count, he's bound to find me.

Oh, nonsense.

I would feel much safer in a discreet little apartment.

An apartment? Oh, no, that's out of the question.

But you don't know the Count.

If he comes over here and finds me...

Oh, Matthew, I'm so afraid for you.

For me?

An apartment, indeed? Oh, no.

You want it furnished, of course.

Yes, it's for a fellow from our Paris office, you know.

- (Chokes) - Really?

I've got one in Craybert Court he could have. Nice little flat, twenty guineas a week.

Twenty guineas?

Old boy, it's got a gas ring, you know.

Bring the...fellow round and I'll show it to him.

Oh, no, no, don't bother about that.

Just have the keys sent round to my office, will you?

Oh, all right.

Well, if it had been anyone but old Matthew.

Numéro 24. Here we are, Matthew.

Mm-hm.

Oh, it looks nice.

- Jim! - Clementine!

(Clementine laughs)

Hello, Matthew.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come and show you round.

Personal touch, you know.

Always better in a case like this.

This is not a case like this.

No, no, of course not.

Why didn't you tell me?

This room is most charming.

And look, Matthew, there is a lovely view.

It really doesn't matter.

I see your point, Matthew.

Is this all the flat?

Patience, old boy.

We're coming to it, we're coming to it.

Here we are.

Oh, I like this. This is sweet.

Ample hanging space, you know.

Bags of hangers pour mademoiselle, and of course...

If you don't mind, Jim, it's getting late.

By the way, does your friend the Count know about all this?

The Count? He is miles away.

The cab.

My dear Count, it's so good of you to accept an invitation from a total stranger.

But when my son told me he'd met you in Paris...

You mean your son suggested I come here?

- Well, not exactly. I'm keeping it a surprise. - Oh.

I do hope you'll stay quite a while.

I hope so too.

Unfortunately, that fool valet of mine has misdirected my luggage.

I shall, of course, have him flogged.

Oh, no.

My dear Count, Matthew's clothes will fit you.

I shall immediately order 40 new suits.

That is if...

when my letters of credit arrive here.

Meanwhile, would you let me cash you a cheque?

Would I?

If you so wish it, madame.

It's a pleasure.

I say, old boy, you don't want to pay by cheque.

Why not?

Well, you know.

No, I don't know.

Oh.

Oh, well, I'd better shove off.

Oh, don't forget your keys.

Clementine, one for you.

And one for you. And don't let your mum know.

I've already told her as my mum... my mother likes Clementine immensely.

We're on our way to dinner there now.

- Right now? - Yes, we're leaving in half an hour.

This is most kind of you, madame.

My dear Count, it's a privilege.

So true, madame, if only more people would see the light.

Evening, Mother... Oh.

Jenny, dear, let me present the Comte de Sarliac.

- The Comte de... - Your servant, mademoiselle.

The Count and Matthew met in Paris.

I know, Clemen... Matthew told me.

Mother, we all need a drink, don't we?

Yes, dear, I suppose we do.

Good.

And if another man so much as looks at my woman, I spit.

You spit?

- I spit him in half, comme ça. - (Gasps)

I kill him with as little compunction as I would empty this glass.

- Allow me. - Thank you.

Ah, that sounds like Matthew and Miss Duclot.

- Your son, madame? - Yes, that's right.

- Thank you, mademoiselle. - Say when.

Thank you.

- Ah, no, no, no! - Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Now you'll have to go and change. - But it's his only pair.

We'll have to dry you out, then. If you'll come this way...

Oh, oh!

- Evening, Syme. - Evening, sir. Evening, madam.

How do you do?

Don't worry, Count. Won't keep you long.

- Syme, the Count's had an accident. - What?

I mean, I spilled soda water on his trousers. How soon can you have them dry?

- I should think, Miss, about ten minutes. - No, you don't.

I want to have the Count without his trousers for at least half an hour.

It was charming of you to come, Miss Duclot.

- Thank you. - Oh, Jenny.

- Shall we tell Matthew our lovely surprise? - Our lovely surprise is upstairs drying out.

- I know, you've had the bathroom painted. - No, dear, we have a visitor.

The Comte de Sarliac.

Did you say de Sarliac?

Yes, dear, he's simply dying to see you again.

Oh, Matt. He won't come down just yet.

- Are you sure? - He'll look rather odd if he does.

Oh, dear, but surely you needn't leave this very minute?

Well, I'm afraid so. You see, this old uncle of mine...

- The Duke, you mean? - The Duke?

- The Grand Duke. - Yes, the Grand Duke,

I must appear at his reception.

Oh, I quite understand.

Matthew himself will drive you there,

just as soon as you've met the Count.

Now, do sit down.

He can't come down till he's got some trousers.

Miss Duclot, would you care to see my grandfather's portrait?

Oh, yes, that would be wonderful.

Excuse us, Mother.

Matthew, when I was your age, I could think of a better excuse than that.

Really, Mother!

What a charming pair they make.

Do you know what branch of the Bourbons it is?

The... The Versailles one, I think.

For goodness sake, tell her you simply must go.

The Count won't stay up there all evening.

There's a simply wonderful...

Madame.

My dear Count, how very enterprising of you.

I first met my late husband in those trousers.

- I'll meet you behind the tool shed. - The what?

- The tool shed. - The tool shed?

Oh, my dear Count, welcome to England.

Monsieur, I look forward to a long acquaintance.

Matthew, where is Mademoiselle Duclot?

Oh, she went into the garden.

We don't all have to go, surely.

- Let's wait here for her. - That's right, we can play cards.

Nonsense, she'll be late for the Grand Duke's reception.

It seems to be jammed.

It can't be.

It must be locked from the other side. I'll pop round the back and open it.

Mother, you'd better sit here a moment. I won't be long.

How tiresome.

Keep them here.

Matt!

This really is very tiresome.

I must apologise, Count.

I did so want you to meet Mademoiselle Duclot.

She's such a charming person.

Mother, I'll stay here and you two pop round the back.

Matthew, don't be absurd. Run along and fetch the girl.

- But Mother... - Now, hurry.

- Do you smoke, madame? - Oh, thank you, Count.

Oh, Count, I believe your family has a most interesting history.

Oh, it is true, Mademoiselle Jenny.

The first Comte de Sarliac fought with Charlemagne

and fell in Italy.

Comte Robert fell in Crécy

and Comte Archambour fell in Agincourt.

Comte Julien was Maréchal of France,

and my own great-grandfather fell at Waterloo.

Oh, how fascinating.

- I suppose a lot of them were killed in duels. - Never!

Though my great-grandfather had quite a narrow shave

when he fought four men at once.

He was very generous afterwards to the four widows.

The de Sarliacs never harbour a grudge after it has been settled.

He fell at Sedan.

Really? It sounds as though you all fell somewhere or other.

I must go and see what's happened to Matthew.

Ah!

Heavens, Count. Are you hurt?

My dear Count, how on earth did your laces get like that?

Oh, you poor, poor dear!

- Mother says he's going to stay for weeks. - Oh dear.

- So I cannot visit your home again. - Or come to the office.

- She's bound to bring him there. - Oh, I see.

There is only one solution, Matthew.

I must return to Paris. We must say goodbye.

- Oh, no! - But it cannot be helped.

Look, Matthew, we cannot get rid of the Count, so...

I had better go away.

I don't want to cause any trouble for you.

Oh.

I think I should prefer trouble from you to a quiet life from anyone else.

Oh, Matthew.

I'll get rid of him. I'll think of something.

Now don't worry, Clementine. This is a man's job.

- Thought of anything yet? - Sh!

Can I go home early this afternoon?

- Yes, of course you can. - Then here's the scheme.

(Telephone)

Hello, Jenny Ibbetson speaking.

Oh, Matthew here. I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, yes, Dr Brown.

What?

It's full moon tonight?

Oh, poor Mother!

Yes, Doctor.

Let you know at first signs of violence?

Yes. Overpower her if she...?

And if there's time, dial 999?

Right, thank you, Doctor.

There is something wrong?

Better you know now, I suppose, than when the cold steel...

- Cold steel? - It's Mother.

- Madame Ibbetson? - Oh, what a relief to tell someone.

Imagine it. Every full moon she becomes... Oh, I can't say it.

But you must say this thing about cold steel. You must!

I'll be brave.

It started in Africa.

Mother was out there in '38 promoting our little liver pills.

- Little liver pills? - To pygmies.

The witch doctor became jealous so he put a curse on her.

- I have heard of such things. - Good. That makes it easier.

A native woman had murdered the chief.

The witch doctor said at the full moon this woman's spirit would enter Mother.

Mon dieu. Quelle horreur!

And now at the full moon she thinks the first man she sees is Bongo.

- Bongo? - That was the name of the murdered chief.

Last month she thought it was the vicar.

She had a meat axe.

Thank heavens he was wearing a celluloid collar.

But you're strong. Some of them didn't even put up a struggle.

- They didn't? - I'll just go and lock the knives away.

You carry on with your game.

I've been telling the Count about those trophies of Uncle John's.

- He'd love to see them. - Oh, really?

And he actually told me his pet name as well.

Oh, what is it?

Oh, charming.

- You won't forget to show him those trophies? - Oh, right away, my dear.

Oh!

- Ibbetson here. - Oh, Doctor, the first signs are...

You will?

Oh, the sooner the better. Thank you, Doctor.

The worst will happen?

But don't worry, I've locked her door. I'll just go and speak to her from the garden.

(Drumming)

Oh, Bongo!

You've been asking for this, haven't you?

No, no!

Jenny, what has happened to the Count?

Oh, dear, I forgot to tell you. It's the full moon, Mother.

- You don't mean...? - All the de Sarliacs are the same.

I suppose it's their blue blood.

Oh, dear, poor Bongo.

Sir, please, one moment, please!

Count, Count, Count! You've forgotten this.

Oh?

That's Mr Matthew.

(Laughs)

You know, Jenny, I'm worried about him.

I think we should telephone the police.

He'll be all right, Mother. He told me so.

I expect he'll be back in a day or two.

Madam, his lordship forgot this.

Put it on my desk, Syme. We'll keep it for him.

Very good, madam.

And Syme, will you serve tea now?

Very good, madam.

Oh.

Very good indeed.

- (Both) Good morning, sir. - Morning, morning.

- English is such a naughty language! - (All laugh)

The first time you meet a girl in a pub, you ask her to say when.

And then you make a date with her for an evening when she has got nothing on.

- And then... - What the...?

Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning, sir.

Morning, sir.

- Morning, sir. - Morning, sir.

Will you go into my office, please?

Yes, Matthew.

I don't suppose you've gone through the mail yet?

If there's anything from the Board of Trade, bring it in to me.

Yes, Matt.

I'm sorry, Matthew.

- That's the fourth time this week. - Yes, Matthew.

Somebody's got to do the work otherwise we don't sell our pills and then what happens?

Tummy ache?

- Oh, Matt. - Yes?

The Board of Trade say no.

Oh, blast the Board of Trade. Ask them to send a representative, will you?

Righto.

Ah, Miss Jenny, I have come to ask about your dear sweet mother.

Is she still...?

How tragic. I did hope to return to your home.

You did?

I found such tranquillity there, peace... money.

You've run short already? Oh, dear.

I wouldn't dare offer you money.

- Coward. - But if £20 can help...

You can send it to my hotel. It is the Ritz Plaza just off the Old Kent Road.

You'll get it by hand this afternoon.

Jenny, you look worried.

- Something has happened? - No, but it's going to.

Matt, you want to marry Clementine, don't you?

- What on earth do you mean? - Do you or don't you?

- All I know is, she'd never dream of me. - Oh, don't be an ass.

- You go out there and ask her now. - Now?

You realise what will happen if the Count starts talking.

- Ah, yes, Mother. - Oh, brother.

And the old boy may turn up sooner than you think.

I can't possibly propose to her in the office,

- It would be a bad example to the staff. - Hello?

- What are you doing? - Get me the name of a restaurant.

I'm going to book you the quietest, cosiest, most intimate table in London.

- Clementine, there's a matter... - (Man) Thank you, waiter.

This'll do nicely.

Well, as I was saying, Cyril,

I've been trying since last Thursday.

The doctor says it's my gall bladder.

Not enough bile seeping into the lower intestines.

I remember his very words.

"You've got 24 feet of lower intestine," he says, "every inch a commando course."

Oh, every mouthful I eat means agony.

Oh, waiter!

A large lobster mayonnaise, please.

(Horn)

Oh, Matt, it's Jim Barret.

Oh, right. By the way, I've asked him back to dinner tonight.

Oh, blast!

I thought you rather liked him.

Me? He's all right I suppose.

Mother, when you were my age, did you ever...?

Ever what, dear?

Oh, it doesn't matter. I don't suppose you did.

I'll ask Mademoiselle Duclot.

- But don't you like Jim? - Of course I like him.

But he treats me like an Englishman always treats his best friend's sister.

And you'd prefer he treats you like a Frenchman treats his best friend's sister?

Well...

This we can arrange. Come along.

Voilà!

Oh, chérie, this is really you.

So I see. I'd be happier if a bit more of it was dress.

We can try something else.

I have a lace one here with much more on the top,

but you'll have to wear much less underneath.

- Good evening, Syme. - Good evening, sir.

- Ah, Mr Barret. - Good evening, dear lady.

I think you know everyone.

- I don't believe I've met the vicar. - Let me introduce you.

Vicar, let me introduce Mr Barret.

How do you do? Heard so much about you.

Oh, yes, there's much I admire in your French mode de vie,

if I may lapse into your...

Never mind, he's a little absent-minded.

I'll do it later.

- The vicar's been with her all evening. - I'll have to fix the vicar.

- (Telephone) - I'll get it.

Hello, Jenny Ibbetson speaking.

No, there's been no improvement yet.

I am desolated.

But I'm also resolved.

How cowardly it was of me to leave you in times of your troubles.

I shall return tonight.

But Count, that's quite impossible!

But Miss Jenny, the food here is...

How much did you say?

£25, first thing in the morning.

Jenny, who was that on the telephone?

Wrong number.

- Jenny, if I thought you were placing a bet... - Madam, dinner is served.

Thank you, Syme.

You've got to do it tonight. Get her alone after dinner.

I told you we'd find a suitable song.

Are we all ready?

♪ In the schoolhouse in the village

♪ Every morning you would see

♪ Lancelot and Jacqueline

♪ And he'd say tenderly

♪ Please walk with me, mademoiselle, cet aprés-midi

♪ Please walk with me, mademoiselle, cet aprés-midi

♪ Years have passed and in the village

♪ On a summer morn in May

♪ Wedding bells are gaily ringing

♪ And we hear Lancelot say

♪ How proud I'll be, madame, cet aprés-midi

♪ Come walk with me, madame, cet aprés-midi

♪ Once again down in the village on a Sunday morn in May

♪ Wedding bells ring for their grandchild as we hear Lancelot say

♪ I hope they'll be just as happy as we

♪ Come walk with me, grand-mére, cet aprés-midi

♪ I hope they'll be just as happy as we

♪ Come walk with me

♪ Grand-mére

♪ Cet aprés-midi

Now then, how about a game of bridge?

Oh, I'm afraid I don't play.

Well, in that case, don't let's bother.

Go on, go on!

I say, Vicar,

I'm sure Miss Duclot would hate to stop the others from playing.

Mais, naturellement

But surely...

Don't worry, Vicar, I'll keep Miss Duclot company.

That will give us a chance to examine the finer points of the game.

But of course.

Vicar, you partner me and we'll see if we can't beat the youngsters.

Charmed, dear lady.

Won't you sit down?

Clementine, I want to know how I stand.

Then come and sit down.

No, I'm quite comfortable, thank you.

There's a matter which I want to raise.

Ah, there you are!

- I'm dummy. - So I see.

This time you will come in for coffee, no?

- I'd love to, Clementine, but... - Just for a few minutes?

Well...

Eight bob on the clock, Matthew. Come along, lad.

Carter, Board of Trade.

- Oh. - Mr Ibbetson?

He's not in yet, I'm afraid.

Would you like to take a seat in his office?

Thank you.

- It's a lovely morning, isn't it? - Mm.

You've come to give us that import licence, I hope.

Most unlikely I should think.

Oh, good morning.

Carter, Board of Trade.

Oh, the man who gives us our import licence!

- Most unlikely I should think. - Mais asseyez-vous, je vous en prie.

Voilà. Voilà.

He should be here any minute.

Do you like the flowers, Mr Carter?

Flowers are the province of the Ministry of Agriculture.

- Oh. - And Fisheries.

- Eh? - And Fisheries.

In England the agriculture and the fisheries go together.

Oh, how sweet.

I couldn't get a cab. Has that Board of Trade man arrived?

He's been waiting half an hour. We've had that import licence, you know.

So, with the increase in output,

the dollar return will be more than double the price of the raw material.

- Do you see? - Yes.

Good morning, I'm so sorry I'm late. Now, here are the...

It's quite all right. Your secretary's explained the position.

- She's what? - And very ably, if I may say so.

There'll be no difficulty about the licence.

That's splendid, but don't you want to see the figures?

If I do, I'll telephone your secretary.

I might do that anyway.

Good morning.

- Are you pleased? - Well, I'm delighted.

Then, will you do something for me?

Of course I will.

Have dinner at my apartment tonight.

- I shall be honoured. - Oh, Matthew.

(Buzzer)

Come in, Matthew.

Oh, Matthew, how charming!

Take off your things and I'll put them in water.

- Eh bien? - You look wonderful.

That scent's Minuit d'amour, isn't it?

Matthew, I have underestimated you.

Well, after all, one does...

Oh, please don't overestimate me.

Shall I tell you what I cooked for you?

Poulet madras and huitres laksa.

Do you like sauces with a lot of spice?

Yes, but don't they rather tend to heat the blood?

Cheers.

- Here's luck to old Matthew. - I do hope he pulls it off tonight.

You mean, you hope she pulls it off.

(Clementine plays piano)

Matthew, do you know this one?

♪ Our friends may be planning to show us the town

♪ Let's stay home

♪ Or maybe they'll call to invite us around

♪ Let's stay home

♪ Just we two all alone

♪ In a world all our own

♪ We'll let the telephone ring

♪ Although there are places that we hope to see

♪ Let's not roam

♪ For there's only one place that I want to be

♪ Let's stay home

♪ Mm-mm

♪ We don't need other people

♪ We're far too happy alone

♪ Let's stay

♪ Together at home

- I like that song. - So do I.

More coffee?

- No, no, thank you. - Nor me.

(Telephone)

Forgive me.

Yes?

No!

- Matthew, it's a wrong numb... - (Clears throat)

Clementine, I've never been much of a ladies' man.

- No, Matthew? - No.

Even at school when the other chaps collected film stars,

I just collected pictures of Rin Tin Tin.

- Rin Tin Tin? - Yes, the wonder dog.

Vraiment?

Come along, Matthew, sit down.

Tell me all about Rin Tin Tin.

(Telephone)

Hello?

Madame Ibbetson?

Then you have recovered, madame?

I've recovered?

But my dear Count, it was you I was worried about.

Me?

Oh, you mean the food here?

I am still breathing, madame.

Oh, that's good.

Now, tell me, Count, when can you come back?

(Barking)

Then Rin Tin Tin picked up the lantern in his muzzle

and trotted along the railway track, and the girl just managed to gasp,

"Rin Tin Tin, go and warn the express train."

Matthew, I get dizzy looking up at you.

Oh.

Matthew, you did start telling me something.

Oh.

Well, Rin Tin Tin belted along as far as the bridge

and then the bad men came. I remember...

(Buzzer)

(Sighs) Forgive me.

Phew.

Good evening, have you anything for the Notre Dame building fund?

Bonne chance, mademoiselle.

(Matthew clears throat)

You were saying, Matthew?

I wonder what he's doing now, eh?

I bet he's standing with his back to the fire telling her all about his school days.

(Both laugh)

(Buzzer)

Oh, no, don't bother, Matthew. They'll go away.

It might be important.

(Sighs)

Ah, my dear Matthew. Your mother said I should find you here.

Perhaps we could share the same taxi home.

- Well, I... - Ah.

Perhaps I called too soon.

Matthew, who is that?

Clementine!

Marcel!

My fiancée in England in the apartment of another man!

I am deceived. I am betrayed.

What have you to say, eh? What have you to say?

- Well, it's just... - A likely story, monsieur!

The blood of a thousand de Sarliacs cries revenge.

- Oh, steady on, now. - I demand you give me satisfaction.

My card.

You shall hear from my seconds tomorrow.

Don't be absurd. We don't fight duels in England. There's a bylaw.

- Coward! - No, Marcel...

Please, Clementine, it is too late to plead for him.

Very well, sir, we will meet on the field.

(Clicks heels)

(Clicks heels)

(Clicks heels)

- Oh, well, I expect he'll get over it. - But Matthew, he means what he says.

And I mean what I say. We don't fight duels in England.

Now, you'd better start thinking like an Englishwoman.

You're going to be one very soon.

Oh, Matthew.

But are you sure your mother won't object?

She'll be delighted. You know how highly she thinks of you.

Well, I've never seen anything...

Oh!

Disgraceful.

Just wait till I see that boy.

(Humming)

- Oh, good evening, Syme. - Good evening, sir.

Well, let's have a smile out of you.

Relax, old boy. Just let things happen.

Oh, hello, Mother.

What? Who gave you that?

A Bourbon indeed, from the Paris office! Nothing but a common...

Steady on, Mother, she's a highly respectable girl.

And what's more, we are engaged.

- You're what? - Engaged.

You are not!

Oh, Matthew, that you could do this to me!

You're turning into as big a blackguard... as your poor sainted father.

- Look here, Mother! - I'm warning you, Matthew,

I shall stop at nothing to prevent this.

At nothing!

(Sighs)

Ah, Madame Ibbetson.

Come in.

I was afraid you were the landlady.

Please.

Oh, Count, I want you to help me.

I presume you know this young person.

I most certainly do.

Matthew wants to marry her. He must be stopped.

He will be.

Oh, I'm so glad you agree, but how is it to be done?

In the customary w...

There are several ways, madame, but alas they cost money

and that bungling banker of mine...

If it's only money that's needed...

Money... One other thing, madame.

You must arrange for me to penetrate your son's office tonight.

Whatever for?

That will reveal itself in the morning.

Watch out. They're coming.

- Good morning, sir. - Morning, sir.

(Telephone)

Ibbetson.

Now will you fight?

(Dial tone)

Vite, vite, vite.

Là.

No, round the other way.

Come on, messieurs. Let us go. Hurry, hurry.

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

(Telephone)

Matthew Ibbetson.

Now will you fight?

(Dial tone)

(All laugh)

I believe you put it up there.

- I'm not going to stand for any more of this. - How can you stop it, old man?

You can push an Englishman just so far.

I'm going to fight. By golly, I'll fight.

Don't be an ass. You can't fight a duel.

- Anyway, there's a bylaw. - Nonsense.

After all, what can he do to me?

Well?

Hampstead Heath at dawn tomorrow, with swords.

Oh, I won't let you do it.

- I won't! - Please, this is a man's affair.

- If blood is to be spilled, so be it. - But Matthew...

It's time that boastful idiot was taught a lesson.

- Boastful? - Mm.

He's the best swordsman in France.

- He's what? - The whole of Paris knows it.

Oh, Matthew, if you had to do it, why didn't you make it revolvers?

- Have a nightcap, old man. - No, thanks.

Got to get up at half past five.

Come on, old fellow, eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow...

You know, Matt, I wish you'd made it revolvers.

- That's what Clementine said. - Poor Clementine.

She'll have this on her conscience for the rest of her life.

But madame, you must stop him. He'll be killed.

He knew the risk he was running.

Do you want his lifeless body delivered at your door

before even the milkman has called?

He's a man of honour. He knows the code.

Oh, you English, you are heartless!

How can you let your son go to his grave?

My son? I thought you were talking about the Count.

The Count? He's the best duellist in Europe.

Matthew hasn't got a chance.

My dear woman, don't be absurd.

Matthew can beat any foreigner. He boxed for his house at Eton.

- But this is with swords, not with boxers. - What's the difference?

I remember Matthew's poor sainted father saying when he came back from Paris,

anything a Frenchman can do, an Englishman can do better.

- Hello, Clementine... - Oh, Jenny, do you know?

Matthew wants to fight a duel.

I know, Jim's just told me. Isn't he wonderful?

(Clementine) He's one of the best swordsmen in France.

(Jim) You know, Matt, I wish you'd made it revolvers.

(Clementine) He's one of the best swordsmen in France.

(Jim) You know, Matt, I wish you'd made it revolvers.

I wish you'd made it revolvers, old man.

Oh!

Oh!

Quarter past five, old chap?

Oh!

Glad you were able to sleep, old man.

I'd have rested easier if it was going to be revolvers.

Don't worry, it is.

(Clicks heels)

But I cannot do this thing. You have left it too late.

Oh, nonsense.

Hey, Bill, I'll give you six to four the champ.

- Which one is he? - Why, him, of course.

Oh, blimey!

It's all right, old man. Jim'll fix it.

Hurry, please, hurry!

Now, now, Miss. Must get our details right.

But they're going to fight a duel, I tell you, on the heath with swords.

I know, Miss, I know.

I don't care about that.

It's our choice, and we choose revolvers at six paces.

Oh, very well, then.

Six?

What, today?

In five minutes if you don't stop them.

- You carry on here, Bert. - OK.

Come on.

How many paces did you say?

- Six. - Huh?

Six!

Oh!

(Bang)

(Motorbike starts)

(Gunshot)

(Gunshot)

(Gunshot)

No!

(Gunshot)

(Gunshots continue)

(Cries out)

(Gunshots)

(Gunshot)

(Drone of plane engine)

(Wail of falling plane)

(Crash)

Look out, I think it's the police.

(Shouting)

- (Shouting) - Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, Jenny!

Hey!

Oh!

I think you're so brave, Count,

standing up to my Matthew like that.

For you, chére madame, I would do anything.

Oh, Bongo!

No!

No! Bongo?

(Singing)

That's the third bottle, Matthew.

Who cares. Here is to you two.

To Jenny and Jim.

Matthew and Clementine.

- Vive la France! - Vive l'Angleterre!

Mother, where on earth have you been?

Count...

I'm warning you, if you've come here to try and stop our marriage...

You have our blessing, my son.

Quoi? Qu'est-ce qu'il a dit?