Original subtitles

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? Good - ? ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

Aah!

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

[ Belt cracks, clatter ]

You are cool.

Cool as a cucumber.

A cucumber doesn't want. It doesn't fear.

It just is.

Everyone, come quick.

Steve is doing something.

I'm psyching myself up for the Langley Church Carnival.

Take this with a grain of salt.

Because I've never been to this fair.

And this is the first I'm hearing of it.

You're not ready.

The church carnival closes the summer social calendar.

It's a chance to reinvent yourself

right before school starts again.

And you're going as... what did you say? A pickle?

You're trolling would have gotten to the old Steve.

But new me is easy and/or breezy.

I've been very patient. Please talk about the belt now.

It's the centerpiece to the new me.

Gives me the confidence of a cucumber.

Famously the most confident of all the penis-shaped foods.

[ Mirror shatters ]

Ready to go, Steve? Whoa!

I'm loving the new braided centerpiece.

You guys are doing this fair thing, too?

Carnival, and yes. It's the perfect opportunity

to reset who you are before the school year.

If it goes well.

It goes wrong sometimes?

Hayley had a bad carnival last summer.

Derailed her whole year.

She developed an unhealthy bond with a goat

in the petting zoo.

They caught her trying to, uh...

to lure it away into a porta-potty.

Hayley: Are you guys talking about the goat again?!

Let it go! You freaked everyone out!

He needed to be alone with me!

This fair sounds incredible.

Everyone get in the car right freaking now!

Well, it doesn't start for a few hours.

Wow. I can't stop learning things about this fair!

[ Carnival music plays ]

I can't do it. This Henley was a mistake.

Look how much chest I'm just giving away for free.

Be honest. Is it slutty?

Honestly, yes.

But in a way that really sings.

If anything, I'm worried about my bold lip.

Is it - Absolutely perfect? Yes.

Those lips belong in Paris or on a motorcycle.

I can't wait to see them drop like a curtain

on a bunch of fried pickles.

Oh, Stan.

[ Both moaning ]

Right. I've watched 16 hours of YouTube videos

on how to beat every rigged game here.

Those carny fat cats have had it too good for too long.

And I am gonna have a normal time.

I'm certainly not going anywhere near the porta-potties.

Or the petting zoo.

You're literally acting insane about this.

Can we just forget about the goat? I have!

I bet he wouldn't even recognize me anyway.

I mean, I've grown a bunch.

Has he grown? I don't care!

And I've got my cucumber thing.

Or wait. Was that Steve's? I will also be a cucumber.

[ Carnival music plays ]

Whoa, Steve. Nice belt. Thanks.

That flamenco fingernail is nothing to sneeze at, either.

This? Oh, no.

My new thing is gonna be cocaine.

So what do we do first?

Check out the rides? The girls? The women?

This year, I'm easy peasy Steazy.

I'm even willing to ride the big-kid rides.

Are you sure? Snot, look at my belt.

The new Steve is ready for anything.

That's great news 'cause there's a new ride this year

that's supposed to be nuts.

[ Chuckles nervously ] There is?

Satan's Tantrum.

[ Evil laughter ] [ People screaming ]

Very cool. But what's the rush, right?

Let's get some funnel cake first.

Mertz: Stop hitting yourself!

[ Grunting ]

Steve! Help me!

Smith, I was just thinking about

how I'd like to hit you with this.

Uh, I got a cricket leg in my funnel cake last year.

Let's hit that ride. What about Billy?

Billy might have been the aggressor here.

We came in late.

Now, the trick here is the backsp-

Hey! Watch it!

Winner, winner. Chicken dinner.

I'm not a prize to be won.

Help! I'm being trafficked, probably for sex!

Wait, is it for sex?

No. Okay. Yeah. Then help!

[ Evil laughter ]

The best part is, it wasn't even built by a ride architect.

Then who made it? A guy.

After he built it, he was committed to an insane asylum.

Are pieces supposed to be falling off like that?

Oh.

Nobody knows. That's what makes it great.

Step on the scale, boy.

And get this - no height requirement.

Just a weight requirement.

The guy was absolutely mental.

What happens if you don't weigh enough?

You fly out. You fly out.

Hmm. He's not heavy enough.

But Toshi's smaller than me.

I can't ride the ride. Oh! I can't ride the ride!

Ah! Enjoy the hell out of it, boys.

I'm gonna try to cool off in the mirror maze.

[ Grunts angrily ]

Hi. I'm a little late to the game on this fair thing,

but I'm loving what I'm seeing from you carnies.

Doing drugs in the open.

Having filthy hay sex while your teeth drop out.

I'll do anything to work here.

You're hired.

Fantastic. I need the first two weeks off.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, big guy. Close shave out there.

Satan's Tantrum was a curveball.

It's okay to be scared. You're still king cuke.

[ Menacing laughter ]

Mertz. Wow.

What in the candy-ass hell did I just stumble on?

Oh, no.

I can't control myself.

When I see a wuss being this vulnerable,

my body just has to bully.

Good luck catching the real me.

I know this place like the back of my - Ohh!

This is exciting.

I wonder what my body's gonna do to you.

I know my rights!

I am allowed to sing to the goat!

You're a cucumber. You're a cucumber.

Not this 'un. He's a flight risk.

Hot damn. Welcome to hell, boy.

No! Please! Somebody stop him!

[ Evil laughter ]

W-What are you doing?

I told you, I don't know.

But whatever happens is your fault, King Cuke.

Aah!

[ Grunting ]

[ Evil laughter ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Slow-motion scream ]

Steve! I got you!

Next on "Greg's Goodies,"

I'll be trying the famous twice-fried corn dogs.

[ Spectators gasp ] [ Screams ]

A real news story.

And at the carnival! My school year is set!

[ Grunting ]

[ Spectators gasp ]

Ooh, you are so dead.

Everyone saw that!

Assault, attempted murder,

and, worst of all, misleading an innocent carny.

I know what your body's gonna do next.

Go straight to jail!

[ Cheers and applause ]

We'll see if we can get a word from the hero himself.

Hang on. And hang on he did. To you.

What was going through your mind up there?

Nothing. I just did it.

Inspiring words.

And what's new about me is the bolo tie.

?

And at the height of Satan's Tantrum,

Mertz, clear-eyed and cool, and Steve, the sniveling nerd,

unchanged by the miracle of the carnival,

wearing pink-heart boxers like a cartoon sea captain

whose pants are ripped open by an alligator.

Can't say I love the way I'm being depicted.

I gotta set the record straight.

Mertz is no hero.

It's his fault I was even on that death trap.

Ahhh... What?

It's just he did save your life.

Criticizing Mertz now might come across as ungrateful,

dare I say, uncool?

He's tormented us our entire lives.

Barry, he Gorilla Glued your boobs together.

You had to have surgery.

We know that.

But I think Barry's right.

You gotta let this blow over.

On the bright side, he hasn't bullied any of us today.

True. I don't miss the usual back-to-school butt crack wet willy.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe this will all die down in a few days.

A key to the city is the greatest honor

Langley Falls can bestow upon a citizen.

Though, in truth, it opens very little.

The holes simply aren't big enough, I've found.

And so to you, Mertz, we offer this key.

Thank you for not forcing me to cancel the carnival

because of a death.

Thank you. But the truth is, I'm no hero.

Woman: That's a thing a hero would say!

I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of.

I used to prey on the weak, Steve in particular.

For the record, that was the old Steve.

If I can draw your attention to my belt for a moment -

But saving him awoke in me a desire to do good.

Now I get up each day and try to be the person

all of you believe I am already.

Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]

I wasn't supposed to be on that ride.

[ Microphone feedback ] And for the other boy,

Zane's Department Store has graciously donated

a pack of less embarrassing underwear.

For the love of - My underwear is fine!

No, they're the underwear of a foppish captain

who gets his pants ripped open by a hungry alligator.

I've seen that one. What was it called?

Meet me by the stage. Everyone else, go home.

Francine, your makeup - people are gonna think

we skip this thing to have sex in the car.

Especially the people who saw us doing it.

Can we go now?

Mertz! We never had a chance to say a proper thank you

for what you did for Steve.

I'd shake your hand, but I haven't washed mine,

and I, uh, just did something cool.

Do you have dinner plans tonight?

I was gonna have a quiet night in.

Dang, he's booked up. Let's go.

Come to our house for dinner. It's the least we can do.

Wow. O-Okay. Thank you!

Dad, no!

He once did an entire history report

on the agrarian tradition of plowing Mom.

Great! You never want to talk about the stuff I'm interested in.

So, Mertz, what kind of doors

are open to you now that you're cebrity?

I bet you could get on Raya easy.

Everyone's been so generous.

The petting zoo said I could pick any animal I want

and keep it.

[ Glass shatters ] [ Clears throat ]

What did you decide on? Could someone pass me a napkin?

A teacup piglet.

Hmm. Yeah. I don't see what the fuss is about this guy.

Okay. Probably time for Mertz to be hitting the old dusty trail.

No can do.

I am not leaving you guys with all these dishes.

That's sort of my thing.

Since when? Let him clean up if he wants.

I torched the casserole dish. It's gonna need a hero.

Alright. You got into my house.

You won over my family. Congratulations.

Now you can use it all to stab me in the heart.

That's the plan, right? There's no plan, Steve.

God's plan, maybe.

Something shifted inside me on that ride.

Something more than my elbow popping out.

Well, I don't buy the act.

I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in debt

to the guy who gave me a swirly in a toilet he upper-decked.

Steve, I don't think you understand.

I'm in debt to you.

For the first time in my life, I like who I am.

You saved me.

And I can't wait to tell the whole world about it tomorrow.

W-What's tomorrow? You didn't hear?

Buddy, we're gonna be on "Morning Mimosa"!

Hmm. Show the world who you truly are, you say?

I didn't, but I love when you put words in my mouth.

Gives my tongue a rest.

Look, babe, I got you a goat!

Who's that? I don't know that goat.

It's a goat like you like.

Oh, wow.

Okay, now I'm starting to see what's going on here.

Hayley likes goats. Any goat will do.

Is that about right? I-I don't understand.

Yeah, well, everything's coming into focus for me.

I'm achieving a level of clarity about you now.

Did I do something wrong?

Get out of here and take whatever it is you think

this is with you. The goat?

Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Just go, honey. Go.

That went so sideways in there.

What the hell did you do?!

[ Bleats ]

Stop saying that!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back from our Boot and Rally intermission

sponsored by Fruit Stripe Gum.

Fruit Stripe Gum - for when you need your mouth

to be as fresh as a zebra.

Our producer, Charlie, is telling me

our guests are the carnival hero and the boy he saved.

So tell us, are you as worried as me

that every car is clay-colored now?

Uh... Sure.

In fact, there's not much I don't worry about, Suze.

Yes. You look like a worrier.

Guilty. I'm a bit of a wussy.

I have this fun little thing I like to do that helps me.

It's incredibly earnest and vulnerable.

Do you all want to see it?

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Whispers ] Please don't.

Steven Anita Smith. My middle name is Anita.

You are cool. Cool as a big, firm cucumber.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Calm and cool.

Probably the coolest of all the fruits.

The king cuk- Ah!

[ Audience gasps ] Gotcha!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. [ Chuckles ]

I don't know why I did that.

No, I feel it, too.

I want - I want to stuff him somewhere small.

His place! Yes!

I want to put him in his place.

All: In his place! In his place!

Stop! I don't mean to silence women,

but where you look at Steve and see a four-eyed weenie,

I see a guy with the courage to try to change.

And in the end, isn't that what we all really want?

To be better versions of ourselves?

To be more like Steve?

You son of a bitch!

Ow! My arm!

Show! Them! You're! A! Bully!

Free for all!

[ Audience cheering ]

[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]

Snot's basement. My safe place. Figuratively.

The radon actually makes it pretty dangerous

to spend much time down here.

Are you okay? We saw the show.

No, but I will be.

Thanks for doing this emergency sleepover.

You guys might be the only ones immune to the Mertz mania.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Pizza Overlord keeps giving me pizzas.

I hope it's okay that I brought some.

Yum yum yum. I'm fat.

Is that what you all want me to say?!

You invited Mertz?!

Steve, he said some beautiful things

about you on "Morning Mimosa."

I think he's being sincere.

And the Steve we saw on the show, that wasn't you.

We thought the real Steve would want the chance to apologize.

No way! I'm not apologizing to that - that douche nozzle.

Oh! Too far, Steve.

We've always believed the carnival is an opportunity

to change who you are.

Why can't you accept that's also true for Mertz?

Because I didn't change! I tried and I couldn't!

And if I can't, then this monster doesn't deserve to!

[ Grunting ]

Wrong, Steve. You did change.

I did? For the worse!

[ Grunts, screams ]

Look what I've done to your game.

I'll just go. Enjoy the pies.

No! Mertz, stay. Steve, you go.

Me?!

Look what you've become, Steve.

Get out!

[ Crying ]

Ooh, Mertz, we all love you

and your idiot broken arm, Mertz.

[ Thunder crashes ]

?

Kiss my baby, Mertz. Now kiss me, Mertz.

Now let's all kiss at the same time

on Steve's stupid grave.

Steve! I got worried when it started raining.

Hop in. Stop kissing everyone!

What?

?

Whoa! Is it raining? I love my job!

Leave me alone!

I can't!

I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you.

Oop! Gotta blot that before it stains.

I got napkins here somewhere.

Look, maybe you have changed.

Maybe you're a completely different person.

But that doesn't change the fact that I hate you!

And I hate that I'm gonna be an afterthought to you

the rest of my life!

Back in the seat,

almost ready to look out the windshield again.

Where my eye drops at?

Ah!

Ahhhh. [ High-pitched scream ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Brakes hiss ]

Whew! That was -

?

Steve: Dad.

Oh, Steve. We were so worried.

Are you naked?

Yes. Your mother prefers when I dress like this.

My arms. I can't -

Believe I got the correct goat?

I believe. I always believed,

and now it doesn't matter if no one else understands.

I understand a little.

Oh, really, Jeff? What part exactly?

[ Sobbing ]

Don't feel bad for him. This is what he does!

And I've given up on the carnival circuit.

Kicked out, really, for hygiene reasons.

Gotta keep my eyes peeled

for something less buttoned-up than carny life.

And is that Klaus?

Timing will be of the essence.

While Serge is clogging the filter,

it will be up to me to open the window

so Beth can catapult Pierre to freedom.

Oh, my God, guys! That's my family!

Get me out of here!

Are you good to leave?

Seems like you're in the middle of something.

An escape plan for the clownfish.

It's fine. I wasn't crucial.

Wonderful. You're awake. You're very lucky you made it.

A certain hero got you here in the nick of time.

Oh, no.

Oops. Wrong curtain.

The truck driver's in pretty rough shape.

Lucky, too, that Mertz was a donor match.

Okay, everyone, that's visiting hours.

Steve needs rest.

Mertz, you can do whatever you like.

Come by the parking lot when you're done,

and I'll smoke you out.

They gave me this jello for giving blood,

and I figured you could use it more.

I've got a spoon here somewhere.

I guess I owe you an apology.

You really have changed.

Into my belt?

Oh, you noticed my little trophy, huh?

[ Whispers ] It's for defeating you completely.

What?

I was being honest when I said you changed me, Smith.

You unlocked a whole new form of torture I didn't know was in me.

I call it long-form bullying.

You're not even hurt. Right?

And we're the only ones who will ever know.

I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.

Oh, there's that spoon.

[ Sniffs ] Oh. [ Gags ] That's ripe.

Hope this doesn't overpower your white grape jello.

It's a delicate taste.

Noooooo!

You wanted to see me, detectives?

We need you to take a look at something.

Am I supposed to know him?

The truck driver who hit you 50 years ago.

The guy who made you more metal than me.

I'm no filthy bot! Easy, easy.

Our future technology has allowed us to do a retinal scan

on cadavers and see everything they've ever seen.

Show him, Kyle.

I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.

All your complaints over the years,

and you were right all along.

On behalf of the Langley Acid Falls Police Department,

we want to issue an unofficial apology.

[ Sighs ] Wait. Unofficial?

We can't ever let this footage leak.

It would cause global instability

and threaten the reputation of the United States president.

President Mertz.

Man, I'd love to get a belt like his.

Ah, so cool.

Bye! Have a beautiful time!

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