All language subtitles for The Goldbergs - 06x01 - Sixteen Candles (English)

Growing up as a kid in
the '80s, I loved movies.

Not just making them, living them,

from unforgettable
classics like "Ghostbusters"

to the action-packed
saga of "The Karate Kid."

But my all-time faves were the movies

from legendary director John Hughes.

I got weird like "Weird Science,"

had an epic day off like Ferris,

even joined the breakfast club.

But on my 16th birthday,
no movie felt truer

than the John Hughes
masterpiece "Sixteen Candles."

You need 4 inches of
bod and a great birthday.

Lucky for me, I had
all the bod I needed.

In fact, this birthday was gonna rock.

I can't believe this.

They [bleep] forgot my birthday.

Oof. That's gotta sting.

Yep, my mom always remembered.

Birthday boy sighting!

- Ah!
- There's my little birthday Schmoo.

Happy birthday, Schmoo.

And when it came to my birthday,

I got all the attention...

until the year I didn't.

You are not getting
married to Lainey Lewis.

You are a high-school
senior and a tiny boy.

And you need a job!

First, you drop out of
college to be a rock star?

Now you're back here
driving up my electric bill!

You will get married over my dead body.

And shame on you for not even consulting

your one true lady love
of your life, which is me.

And look at you.

Using my stove and my light bulbs

like you're some sort
of Norwegian royalty.

You can't be a husband.

You are still my baby Barry.

Those beautiful blond bastards!

They did nothing to
help us during the war.

Murray, stop. You're on a bad tangent.

Just focus on how she's
breaking our hearts.

Um, sorry to interrupt
your morning rage-a-thon,

but does anyone have anything
they want to say to me?

Not everything's about you,

golden child who can do no wrong.

Really? Nothing else?

Ow! That thing has walnuts!

Oh, Adam, I almost forgot.

I knew she'd remember.

It was birthday gift time.

I bet it's that fancy
editing machine I wanted.

Here's $3.

I was so busy crying about your
brother taking a child bride

that I didn't make you a lunch.

It's shepherd's pie
at the cafeteria today!

That's the worst of all savory pies.

And no bananas till you make
a poop-ila in the pot-ila.

But what about my...

Turns out, I really was living

"Sixteen Candles" after all.

I can't believe this.

They [bleep] forgot my birthday.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

Synced and Corrected by YesCool
www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was September 26, 1980-something.

Barry was happily engaged,
but no one was angrier

than his future
father-in-law.

Hey, Billy boy. Here to yell at the kids?

Bingo! Hope it's okay,

but I've written some
really terrible things

to say to Barry in
order to scare him off.

- You did some homework. Good on you.
- Yeah.

Full disclosure: I attack
his physical appearance

in a very un-Christian way.

I mean, it's no way

for an adult to speak to a child.

Hey, go big or go home, right?

Wrong!

All of our anger, guilt,

and emotional terror only
makes the kids dig in deeper.

We have to rethink our tactics.

With your blessing, I am
willing to fistfight your son.

- I mean, something like this.
- An open house?

The Goodmans down the street are moving.

I think it's time I show those kids

the harsh realities
of being actual adults.

And we can put a samurai
sword on this wall.

Shark tank, shark tank, shark tank.

Boom! Seven more shark tanks!

Bar, where am I gonna
hang all my guitars

- if every wall is full of swords and sharks?
- You're right.

Mom, we're gonna need a
bigger, wall-ier house,

but we appreciate the
offer to buy us this one.

Oh, I'm not buying you this house.

I brought you here to show you

how much it would cost you to buy it.

$37,000? Are you friggin' kidding me?

We can't afford that.
We're just dumb kids!

Exactly.

You're kids without degrees or jobs.

You're not ready to take on this
kind of adult responsibility.

Okay, so maybe we
can't afford this house

with its embarrassing number of walls.

All that matters is I'm crazy in
love with this girl right here.

Aw, my big, hairy monster.

We can live in some tiny,

shark-tankless apartment, for all I care.

As long as it's me, Lainey,

and our four snuggly little kids.

Okay, there is no way I'm gonna let...

Oh, my God. Did you say kids?

Can you imagine all those cute
little Barrys running around?

Aww.

- Aww.
- Aww.

Why is she aww-ing with us?

- I don't know.
- Little Barrys.

Oh, with the curly hair

and the squishy, husky baby body

and the not being able
to ride the bus to camp

'cause you're so
emotionally out of control.

Ah!

In that moment, Lainey
discovered my mom's

one true weakness,
the promise of grandkids.

That's right!

Can you imagine all those
cuddly little baby Barrys?

I'm imagining it so hard right now.

That's good!

But the only way to get
them is to get us married.

Oh, no, you're not getting married.

But... But how soon could you get married

and give me little Barrys?

What are we even
talking about right now?

Bar, we're talking about
the sooner we get married,

the sooner your mom becomes a Grammy.

Bubby. Ohh, I want to be a bubby so bad!

Ohh! Now I get it.

Would literally kill
my friends with envy.

- That's my dream.
- Yes.

This is very exciting, but
let's manage expectations.

This baby thing is a ways off.

Yeah, it could be decades.

But it'll for sure happen one day.

Oh, one day is so close.

Oh, I can almost taste
the baby in my mouth.

Muh-muh-muh.

Ohh! That's a tasty baby.

Oh, I'm gonna eat your foot.

Baby foot is my favorite!

I'm gonna put ketchup on the baby foot.

Told you I could get her on board.

Although I may have concerns
she wants to eat our baby.

Come on.

Wait. They all forgot your birthday?

I always thought "Sixteen Candles"

was a delightful comedic premise,

but when it happens to you,
it's more shocking and hurtful.

Well, your family may
not love you at all,

but guess who does.

Man, you guys just get me.

Even if that isn't my locker.

Wazzat?

Who put this old green talking
puppet dog on my locker?

I-It's Yoda.

- How do you not know Yoda?
- He's awesome.

But I refuse to find common
ground with you turds.

And here I thought this year,
we might actually find our way

out of the social basement.

Wait! Maybe you living
"Sixteen Candles" can help us.

You're finally under
your parents' radar.

Let's use this chance to
throw a big-ass birthday rager.

Come on. We have no idea
how to throw a rager.

Lucky for you,
John Hughes already taught us.

We're gonna relive all of the classic

"Sixteen Candles" party moments.

- Like what?
- I'm talking beer-can pyramid.

Pizza on the record player.

Irreparable house damage!

Somehow, foam gets in your vents.

Toilet paper trees.

And, obviously,

a dweeb will be imprisoned
in your glass coffee table.

- But what about...
- Long Duk Dong?

No! There will be no
discussion of the Donger.

- I'm trying to...
- Say he's hilarious? Well, he's not.

Get off your totally
warranted soapbox, Dave Kim.

I'm trying to say I'm in.

Sweet! So, where do we begin?

No clue, but I do know
the coolest person alive

who knows everything about
throwing a badass bash.

- Erica.
- Erica.

Better.

You want a birthday rager, kiddo?

I'll throw you one
that'll make you plotz.

Sweet! So, whatcha thinking?

We pull out all the stops.

I'm talking martinis,
dollar stogies, fan dancers.

Ooh. I got an in with
the Shorty Flanders Trio.

Yeah, we'll go to Erica.

And so I turned to my sister
for an electrifying rager.

But turns out Erica was dealing with

some electrifying issues of her own.

For the love of crap!

I just got the electricity bill,
and my dad is gonna kill me.

Okay, calm down.
I'm sure it's not that bad.

It's $906.

"For the love of crap" is right!

That's so bad and so wasteful!

Excuse you. How am I wasteful?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe
'cause you and your drummer

have incredibly indulgent energy needs?

Uh, we have to run the A/C and fans 24/7

'cause our tons of equipment
runs, like, super hot.

Yeah, but do you really need the sign?

Do you not want people to
know the name of our band,

unsupportive Geoff?

Look, your dad is gonna kill you.

My dad's gonna kill me.

I'm gonna be the most
hated kid in this house,

even more than Barry, and
he's a high-school groom.

Okay, all we gotta do
is come up with a mature,

- adult way to solve this.
- Erica!

I need your help to throw
a reckless high-school party

that Mom and Dad can never know about.

- I'll do it.
- Seriously?

For my special guy? Of course.

Throwing a party is incredibly
risky, and if you get caught,

Mom and Dad will be livid,
and you'll be the worst kid

- in the house, not me.
- No, no, I get it.

I can't believe you'll throw me a party.

I thought you forgot all about today.

I don't totally follow, but I'm on it.

First, I'll get Mom and Dad out of town

so they won't return tonight
and catch you red-handed.

No, I get it. High school's
gonna be as awesome for me

as it was for you.

- Thank you, Erica.
- Don't mention it.

This timing could not be more perfect.

No need to look my direction.
I know what's happening.

With that, my legendary party was on.

As for my dad and
Bill, they were praying

Barry and Lainey's wedding was off.

There's our mad genius.

Did the kids finally learn
how terrible marriage is?

Better. I'm gonna be a bubalah,

which means we gotta get
those kids married right away

so I can get me a tasty baby.

A baby?!

What kind of backwards, mixed-up talk

did you have with those kids?

All right, don't get all worked up.

It's not gonna happen right away.

We ran the numbers.

It'll be anywhere from 10

- to three to two years.
- No!

Hey, what ever happened
to the Bevolution?

You know, finding your
way without our kids?

I hereby suspend the Bevolution.

Viva la Bubby-lution!

You can't just put "lution"
at the end of a word

- and make it be a thing.
- Oh, it's a thing.

And since we're all so excited about it,

we should go out and celebrate.

You know the best place to celebrate

whatever's happening here?

Atlantic City.

It's far enough to get away, but
close enough to be home by 10:00

and see what's happening
here at the house.

Okay, bye!

Yes. Atlantic City.

That is the perfect place

to honor this joyous baby engagement.

What the hell just happened?!

She was supposed to scare
'em off with an open house,

and now we're eating in another state!

I'll tell you what just happened.

Our moron kids are brilliant.

They used the baby card against us.

I hate the baby card.

Also, what's the baby card?

I'm so scared and upset, Murray!

Why, hello, angry fathers.

Guess who just got Beverly Goldberg

on board the wedding train.

Do you know what a can of worms

you two just opened by
promising that yenta grandbabies?

Face it, you lost.

Now that Mom's excited about
our foolishly impulsive wedding,

you have to accept it.

The curly-haired sack of flour's right.

Beverly Goldberg always gets her way.

- But at what cost?
- Yoo-hoo!

Look at all this adorable stuff I've had

hermetically sealed in the garage.

You're gonna need this, for sure.

It's Barry's baby helmet.

Yay!
- Great.

Not only are we having a baby,

but its head's gonna be all cattywampus.

Cheese and crackers.

Ooh, look at this sign! Aww!

I'm gonna put it in the station wagon

- for our trip to AC.
- No need!

After all, there is
literally no baby on board.

Not yet.

But there is a bubby on board.

With Bubby officially on board,
it was Atlantic City or bust!

Nothing could stop them.

Meanwhile, my big birthday
rager was off with a bang.

It had all the highlights
from "Sixteen Candles,"

but I discovered when it's your house,

it's not nearly as fun.

Check us out!

We're fancy, big-haired
ladies, like your mom.

Just when I thought no
more damage could be done...

Actual damage was done.

Oh, man. Bench press got away from me.

That's my bad, Alden.

My name's Adam, and
your weightlifting mishap

just caused major
structural damage to my home.

There's a throw rug up here.
I'll chuck it over the hole.

Why did John Hughes make
this seem so whimsical and fun?

Help me! I'm a human person!

Even Long Duk Dong had
more dignity than this!

The engagement celebration in
Atlantic City was under way,

but Lainey's dad
wasn't feeling so lucky.

- Dealer has 21 again.
- Why?!

Better save some money
for the wedding, Bill.

In that case, I'd like to go all-in.

Well, his day's about
to get a lot better,

because look what I
bought in the gift shop.

Oh, wow. That's for a baby,

which is weird 'cause we were very clear

that's a long, long way off.

But we blink, and then baby's here,

and then there I am, right
next to you on my mom cot.

- Mom cot?
- Oh, no, not the mom cot.

What does he know? What's a mom cot?

It is a cot that sits
smack against your bed

so when you get tired, you just
hand the baby directly to me.

Wait. You actually expect to
sleep in the same room with us?

Trust me, you'll be
thrilled to have a bed bubby

when it comes time for burping,
bathing, and poopy diapies.

No way, Mother.

You are never to set foot
in our hypothetical home!

I have a copy of the key, right, Murray?

She made a secret copy.

Barry, can we chat outside?

I need some fresh air right now.

Dealer has 21.

I lost 2 grand, and
it's still the best thing

that happened to me today.

Bill wasn't the only
one on a losing streak.

I had completely lost
control of my epic party

I no longer wanted.

Yo! There's the host with the most.

Hope you're digging
your kick-ass party.

For sure, but also, I
don't want the party.

- What?
- Take the party! It's your party.

You asked for the party,
so the party's yours.

- Come on. We all know it's your party.
- He's right, Erica.

General consensus is, it's your party.

No, no, that can't be the narrative.

It is very important that
this is clearly designated

as Adam's party.

Hey, everyone, let's give
it up for the one person

who we all know is definitely
throwing this party.

We love you, Alden Goldfinch!

- Alden!
- Alden!

See? They're almost chanting your name.

Enjoy your party.

You're the man, Alden.

Okay, your mom is really freaking me out

with her cute onesies
and "Baby On Board" signs

and celebratory casino buffets.

- I'm sorry, but this can't be my life!
- What are you saying?

I'm saying I love you,
but having Beverly Goldberg

as a smother-in-law will
be an utter nightmare.

No! Don't trust your instincts!

Come on. A romantic pushcart ride

will remind you at the end of
the day, it's just you and me.

There's my sweet little lovebirds.

Gah! She found us.

- Come on. Scoot your booties.
- Ow.

You've got to try some
of this delicious taffy.

- Can't do it.
- Where's she going?

I can't finish this taffy all by myself.

Forget the taffy!

You literally just drove
away the love of my life.

Don't worry. Mama will talk to
her, and I'll fix everything.

There is no fixing this.

And it's not just Lainey.

Any girl I date will realize

you're part of the package
and run for the hills.

So, you're saying that I
will shake the foundation

of all my kids' relationships

just 'cause I wanna be
a little bit involved?

- Is that what you're saying?
- Yes.

Mark my words: I will never have babies,

which means you'll never be a bubby.

Don't you dare un-bubby me.

Oh, you've been un-bubbied but good.

As Barry was ditching my mom,

I was ditching my own
party to have some real fun.

What the hell, man?

Seriously, what am I
looking at right now?

The adventurous board
game Fireball Island.

No, I mean you made
a designated nerd area

in the middle of your awesome party.

Yes, and it's your party.

Not according to this sign.

Here, tape it to your chest.
- No, thank you.

I'd rather just hang
with my actual friends

who know my actual name.

You can't just beg me to
throw you an awesome rager

- and then give it back.
- Okay, I didn't beg you.

You did it 'cause it's my gift.

Gift? For what?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Alden ♪

♪ Adam ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Oh, I wish I had that information
before I did what I did.

- What did you do?
- What didn't I do?

This is gonna tickle you.

I may have, uh,

set you up to distract Dad from
my irresponsible energy usage.

- What?!
- I didn't know it was your birthday,

so if anything, it's on
you for having big secrets.

This is not a regular cake, you know.

This thing melts.

How could you do this?

The one thing I wanted was to be awesome

like you were in high school.

Now all I'll be is some dude named Alden

who's grounded for the year.

I messed up, okay?
I'll make it all better.

I promise, you can still
be awesome just like me.

No. The last thing I'd ever
want is to be some selfish,

drop-out loser like you.

You don't mean that.

I really do.

Adam! Come on, open up.

Yeah, little nerd, open up!

This party sucks!

After our mom had destroyed
Barry's engagement,

he figured he didn't have
anything else to lose.

Evening. I'd like a root beer

and a marker for $10,000.

Nice try, moron. You're not
old enough to be in here.

Yeah, old enough to
steal my little princess

and saddle her with a
crooked-headed infant.

Actually, Lainey bolted.
She's gone for good.

Hot diggity-dog! I'm
the luckiest man alive!

I just lost so much money,

but I'm walking on sunshine over here!

Wait a second. Lainey's gone?

Mom ran her off with her terrible ways.

- I'll help you find her.
- Help him?

We're on the one-yard line, Mur.

I'm sorry, but if Barry's
gonna break up with Lainey,

it's gonna be because he's a moron,

not because his mom is
an overbearing nudge.

You really believe I can
screw this up on my own?

I know you can.

Now let's go find Lainey and
make this temporarily right.

No, Mur, no! We're so close!

Double zeroes! We got a big winner.

Not now! I'm in a crisis here!

Please, open up!

This ponytail is the
source of all my power!

Close your eyes. I got this.

I love you.

Ew. You're not hot anymore.

Adam, I'm coming in.

Oh, come on!

Who am I now?! I'm hideous!

Little trick I learned in college.

Well, I locked my door for a reason.

Go away.

Not until you accept my apology.

Why? You don't mean it.

You just feel awful
for trying to destroy me

with an evil plan on my birthday.

Sure.

But I also feel awful because
what you said was true.

All I am is a college dropout

who lives at home and
mooches off of her parents.

I act like I'm so cool and
like I have it all figured out,

but you're right.

I'm just a loser.

No. I don't really think that.

Truth is, all I've ever
wanted to be is just like you.

- Really?
- Yes!

I stupidly idolize you.

I'd love to be cool and
have people know my name

and have one year of school
be as epic as yours was.

Well, it is your birthday.

So I'm on it.

For real this time.

And so my sister gave me the greatest

birthday gift of all,

a small taste of
high-school popularity.

It may not have been your
typical rager, but it was mine.

And it was awesome.

'Cause for that one night,
everyone knew my name.

Turns out John Hughes was right,

turning 16 was a lot
sweeter than I thought.

Meanwhile, Lainey had soured
on her future with Barry.

Barry, please. I'm done talking.

Well, then, just listen, 'cause...

My dad has something he wants to say.

If you're here to call us
morons for getting married,

there's no need, 'cause
it's not gonna happen.

You really think I'm
gonna walk through the sand

with my bad foot just
to call you a moron?

Look, if you really love each other,

there's nothing you can't survive.

Even the world's worst smother-in-law?

Yes.

Because at the end of the day,

I know Beverly Goldberg can
stay away when it really matters.

And I know it's scary to
think of her on your back,

but that also means
that she has your back.

And trust me, there's no better feeling.

I thought you wanted us to break up.

Why are you trying to help?

Because that's what families do,

and like it or not, you're
always gonna be family.

- And so, thanks to my dad...
- Come on.

Lainey decided to
give Barry another shot.

This time, just the two of them.

Oh!

Hey.

What are you guys doing?

Really not helping, Mom.

You're terrible.

It's true.

Look, I know I got carried away.

It's just...

All my babies grew up
and don't need me anymore.

But you made me realize
it's not fully over.

I-I still have a whole
new chapter left, one day.

Well, when it does happen,
I hope you're there with me.

On a mom cot?

- Mom!
- Bevy.

We'll figure it out. We have time.

You'd think, but it just goes so fast.

And it seems like only
yesterday I was in the hospital

holding my little Adam in my
arms for the first time and...

Holy crap! We forgot his birthday!

We forgot Adam's birthday!

This is gonna be a whole thing.

Go, go! Go!

Yeah, it wasn't the birthday I expected,

and I didn't get the fancy
editing machine I'd hoped for,

but in the end, I got
something much better.

Whatcha doin'?

Figured if I was gonna
have a "Sixteen Candles"

kind of birthday, I might
as well see it through.

Well? Did you make a wish?

It already came true. This
year's gonna be awesome.

Little did I know,

this year really would
be one I'd never forget.

Mama's here, Schmoo!

I am so, so sorry I
forgot your birthday.

No! Don't get on the table!

I will never forgive myself...

Was that your wish?

_

♪ Happy birthday, dear Adam ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Hooray!

I hate to ask you what you wished for.

Probably $3,000 worth
of editing equipment.

Happy belated birthday, bro!

I forgot to give you your
gift of one butt-crack busting

sub-atomic wedgie.

Sure, just do me a favor

and back up a bit so you
can get a running start.

You've learned to not struggle.

I see much growth since last year.

Yep, one year really has made me wiser.

Wha? Oh, my God.

What's happening?

Help! I'm shrinking!

Better luck next year.

Synced and Corrected by YesCool
www.addic7ed.com