All language subtitles for The Detour 4x10 - The Groom (English)

In the early aughts,

looking to cement his power
and overthrow Yeltsin loyalists,

President Vladimir Putin looked
to some of his closest allies

from his former KGB days.

One such man is Dimislav Molokov,

a devout Russian Orthodox man

who at the time ran a small
dairy farm in Rostov Oblast.

Putin invited Mr. Molokov
to the Kremlin,

where he sampled his milk.

Molokov struck gold.

White gold, that is.

Putin liked it so much that
in the ensuing months,

there was a systematic
shutdown of dairy farms

across the country,

which Mr. Molokov snapped
up for literal pennies.

The farmers who opposed the purchases

from the newly minted oligarch,
now known simply as Dima,

were either incarcerated
for opposition politics

or simply never heard from again.

And while most of you think
how does one become

a multi-billionaire from milk?

The answer is simple.

He also mines uranium.

Say what now?

The point is... the point
is Russia [bleep] up.

_

- That's not a joke.
- He doesn't need to make jokes.

He's just pointing out
how messed up Russia is.

He does the news better
than the news does.

What are you talking about?

That was the news.

All he did was swear
and make a stupid face.

All right, guys. Listen to me.

We are in the middle of a very
dangerous situation right now.

Dealing with an oligarch
who's forcing your father

to marry his daughter

all because my father
is running a black market

of Canadian homo milk that's
undercutting his monopoly.

See? Russia [bleep] up.
You don't need to make jokes.

Why don't we just run away?

Yeah, there's not that many guards.

- We can probably outrun 'em.
- I'm not doing that.

I'm not putting you guys
in any more danger.

Let's just have your dad
say his fake "I do's"

and take his Russian bride
back to the states,

where we will deal with this
diplomatically

with the State Department.

Okay? Trust me.

This is no picnic for your dad, either.

You're so funny!

It's the vodka.

It make me funny! It's the voice, too.

Kiss me.

Hmm?

Okay, umm...

- Hey!
- Yeah?

Ow.

Can't sample milk

until you're paid for the cow.

Sergeant Pepper is such a dick.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

I can't do it.
I can't do this marriage thing.

Look what she makes me wear.

I say I just keep stalling

until maybe your dad shows up.

That's who this Dima guy wants, anyway.

Bill, honey, my dad is not
showing up, all right?

He's not some hand of God
who cares more about his family

than he does risking his own life.

That's not gonna happen.

Okay, then, I say we make
a run for it. Okay?

- I was talking to Nico.
- I don't know who that is.

That's the ponytail guy.

Sergei?

One of the names.

Okay, anyway,
he said a couple of his workers

escaped through the mines.

- The uranium mines?
- Yeah.

Are you out of your...
No, honey, we're not doing that.

You know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna marry
this ugly Russian broad.

We're gonna go back to the States,

and we're gonna be a family, okay?

I don't want to marry a stranger, okay?

Future husband!

Where are you in here?

- That's her?
- Yeah, she's gross.

- Hey.
- Ugh.

- It's so gross in here.
- I know. I just said that.

_

_

_

Mm! Mm. Mnh-mnh.

- Let's go.
- Yeah. Yeah, I will. I'll catch up.

I'm just gonna finish
yelling at these milkers.

"Milkieskers." "Milkies."

Hey, hey, can we circle back
to the thing...

- your thing about leaving?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Let's make a run for it.

We should not be in here.

Yeah, a Uranus mine doesn't sound safe.

It's fine.
Just don't breathe too deeply.

Yet another stupid plan
made by the Parkers.

- Hey, you're a Parker, too, you know?
- Oh, my God.

Okay, and you've made
plenty of stupid plans.

You can't escape your genes.

Look at this one.

He doesn't want to be
like his mom, but he is.

- I'm not like my mom.
- I wanna be like my mom.

- Your mom's dead. No, she's not.
- She lives in Italy.

- How could you not tell me this?
- I know.

It's the one place
I've always wanted to go.

Why would you think that?

Why are you so
surprised by any of this?

I'm already assuming that her mom

is just another crazy sister
that wants to have sex with Dad.

Wait, what's wrong with your voice?

Nothing. I think
it's just an echo in here.

No, your
voice definitely sounds higher.

Your voice sounds...

We gotta go. We gotta go.

Guys, guys, guys, guys,
keep your voices down, please!

What's the point? They're already high.

- Yeah, I'm going back.
- No, stop, stop!

Stop! No, what are you doing?

We just got this family
back together, okay?

The core four.

We've gone through hell
trying to keep us together.

Please, don't rip us apart again.

I don't even know why
you guys want me back.

You do realize we're 18 in 2
years, right?

Yes, but we want to be
in your life forever.

Yeah, just like you guys are
in your parents' life forever.

That's different.
Our parents are shitty.

So are mine! And we're in a mine.

Sorry. It sounded
really funny in my head.

I think it's all the
poisonous gases we're inhaling.

You know, you guys pay
a lot of lip service

to this family is everything bullshit,

but I don't see a lot
of evidence of it.

Delilah. You know what the
happiest moments of my life was?

Let me guess. Sitting on the beach,

watching me play in the water.

Did you tell her my speech?

We spent a lot of time together
in the last little while.

We didn't have anything
else to talk about.

What do you want from us?

Please, just tell us,
and we will deliver.

I promise.

First, let's just get the hell
out of this mine.

Well...

that we can do. Let's do it.

Your mom and I always know
where we're going.

Let's get some. Shit.

- Oh, no!
- You can't even hear that.

I know. The helium of the
mine is fun to talk with.

Makes you sound like you're
in a popular Russian show

"Ivan and Squirrels."

Ivan!

Ivan!

And we also use it to test for leaks.

You need intensive toxic cleansing.

- Aah!
- Ow!

- Ow!
- Shit!

The loofah's a little scratchy.

Better?

Ehh. A little bit.

Don't tickle me. Get in there.

I always wanted to moved
to downtown Syracuse,

but my father said he wants
to buy us a house at Stratmore.

You know what's funny?

You strike me a
modern-day feminist woman

who doesn't need to obey her father.

Why don't we skip this whole
wedding thing

and move right to America

and talk directly to immigration?

What is word "feminist"?
Dip. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Drag. Yeah.

Feminist is like equal rights,
men and women, you know?

50/50.

It's freedom to do whatever you
want including wearing flats.

Russia have equal rights,
50/50 for many years.

It was called Communism.

It didn't work.

The world of equality in dystopia

where only ugly lesbians are happy.

I want an American life.

Looking beautiful, having children,

wearing high heels, watching fireworks.

Who doesn't?

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

- You did good.
- Thanks.

_

_

Again? Jesus.

Hello, sir? Hi, sir.

Can I just have a moment of your time?

Listen, I want to talk
about your daughter.

Your daughter will do anything you say.

She loves you.

If you just went up to her
and said, "Look, this guy Nate."

Who's Nate?

I'm Nate.

And you said, "Nate is such a loser."

I've already done that.

Good, good, yeah,

then you just put your foot
down about this wedding.

Say no. I know
you don't want this to happen.

I could find her another guy
to marry in a second.

Trust me, I've tried.

She'll say, "I'll only marry
a man from Syracuse."

So I invite whole plane
of losers from Syracuse area

just to show her how much they suck.

Pay for elaborate
Russian bride bullshit thing,

and she says, "I like the guy,
but no, he's from Ithaca."

That guy okay, but no,
he's from Binghampton."

No to guy from Rochester.
Then you show up from Syracuse.

What's so great about Syracuse?

I Google, it sucks!

- It's got its charms.
- What?

Erie Canal Museum is shit.

It was quite an engineering feat.

I mean, 18 aqueducts, 72 locks,

but you don't care about
shipping history,

connecting the Great
Lakes to the Atlantic.

Listen, your daughter's
such a beautiful woman.

Then you marry.

That's the problem. I can't.

I'm kind of already married.

To homo milk man's daughter?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm religious man.

I respect those who enter
the holiest matrimony

in the face of God.

You show proof for married,
I no force you.

And that's the second problem.

We never officially actually

ever got around to getting married.

Why not?

I don't know.

Well, then, you're getting
married to my daughter tomorrow.

And that's final? That's...?

I get it. You've got a tank.

I've just got roller sk...

Whoa!

Finally getting the hang of these.

I did not mean to put
my mouth on your penis.

I'm very sorry.

I'll leave.

By the power vested in me
by the great state of Alaska...

- I wonder if I'm still the mayor.
- You're not.

The box turtle won a special election.

Oh, good for Nigel.

Well, with the little power
I have left,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

I know this doesn't change anything.

It's gonna help me
get through this, okay,

and I know this isn't
your dream wedding,

but at least you're still in white.

- I just love you so much.
- I love you, too, but baby,

I think they're asking us
to go in there and... do it.

Are you suggesting
we go in there and...

- Oh, that's...
- Bless your heart.

That's very sweet,
but these are our kids.

That'd be weird.

You know we really don't care anymore.

Yeah, between the farting
and the cud chewing,

we really can't hear anything.

Yeah, no, it's way too weird.

Thank you, though.

Okay, well, we're gonna be in here.

Don't be too loud.

Actually... actually,
you know what, babe?

I think we should
consummate this thing.

It's our wedding night.
Come on, let's do it.

All right. All right.

Let's do it. Thank you.

Oh, it's lovely.
You got a beautiful home.

Look at that. I love it.

Okay. Oh, oh. Wait a minute. Hold on.

Aah!

You look like Czar Feodore the Third.

Thank you.

He was sickly due to the inbreeding

and being kicked in head by horse.

Wore a diaper to the coronation

and could not put his hat on, either.

Okay, okay. It's just so tight.

You look good.

I feel like an idiot.

I'm sorry we're such shitty parents.

Don't be.

You're marrying the daughter
of a Russian oligarch

so we can get back to Syracuse
and live a normal, boring life.

You're doing all this for less
than two years family time.

You're not great parents,
but you're not shitty.

That means a lot.

- Don't start crying.
- I always cry at weddings.

Aw, shit.

Now I gotta ride. No, get up, please.

I'm not stepping on your back. Okay?

I'll get on the... small horse myself.

Honey, it's so small.

- I'm gonna break its back.
- I know.

If I don't get on it,
he's gonna break my back.

God, I'm sorry.

I just ripped my pants.
I just ripped my pants.

Yep.

- Be careful.
- I know.

I'm just trying not to break its back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Um... my pants ripped wide open.

How long do we have to stay here for?

I mean, I gotta go to work.

These cows aren't gonna
shovel their own shit.

I don't know. Maybe she realized she

was stealing some other woman's man.

Is she coming soon? These people
are getting restless.

_

_

Funky Bunch, no Mark!

? Aw, yeah ?

? Funky Bunch in the building ?

? Come on, come on ?

? Look out, sons,
or you're gonna get punched ?

? Step back, Mother, Father,
here comes the Funky Bunch ?

? Ugh ?

? Yo, we're back from the '90s
like one, two, three ?

? Scotty Gee, Hector
Booty and your boy ?

? DJ T. We heard the jumps
and the smack and the stuff ?

Together: ? But believe in the bunch ?

? We just as good without Mark ?

? We don't need Mark
with his fat, tight body ?

? We disassociate
with his agent in crime ?

? We don't need Mark,
we don't need Mark ?

? We're the brains and the brawn ?

? And the balls and the spark ?

? We don't need Mark,
we don't need Mark ?

? We're the brain and the brawn ?

? And the balls and the spark ?

- Is this actually the Funky Bunch?
- No.

Well, why would you
tell everybody that it was?

No one knows the difference.

? We don't need Mark,
we don't need Mark ?

? We're the brains and the brawn ?

? And the balls and the spark ?

Oh, no, no!

Dad?

- Pee Paw?
- Pee Paw?

Hand of God! I knew he'd be back!

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We're being forced to work here
until you surrender,

and because of that, Nate has
to marry that guy's daughter.

Who's Nate?

Hey!

I did not know that.

Then what are you doing here?

I'm here to destroy the rule of this

Keebler Elf.

You're screwed now, pal!

You no ruin me.

Is impossible.

By myself? No.

But with a little family help,
it's been surprisingly easy.

Natalia.

_

You always tell me I'm a free woman.

Free to make my choice.

But this? This is all fake.

Nate is not in love with me.

He's in love with this old woman.

She's 39.

That is what I said... old.

_

_

_

You always taught me,

when angry, do not act
violently like a night witch.

Instead, channel your energy

to destroy your enemy financially.

_

You are forcing him to marry me!

I am no feminist,
but I will be treated fairly,

and my voice will be heard

regarding my own life and happiness.

You're bluffing.
He has no power in Russia.

You're right. I don't.

But then she introduced me
to this guy named Vlad.

I forget his last name.

Old KGB buddy of yours, I believe.

Anyhoo, it turns out,

he's grown really tired
of your overpriced milk.

He's looking for
something a little more...

This is lie.
Putin will never go to homo milk.

Oh, he's going homo, all right.

He's completely gay for it.

And pretty soon, all the rest
of Russia will be, too.

I don't believe.
There are no gays in Russia.

I know, right? What a douche.

Okay. Don't believe.

And don't believe there's
a Federation tank

right behind that stage ready to
tear this entire operation down.

- Did you say tank?
- No.

Vlad loves my milk.

Okay.

Suit yourself.

Boys!

No tank. There's a tank.

It's just a Russian tank, so it's slow.

There is no tank.

There is no tank.

There is no tank!

There's a tank! There's a tank!

Everybody, run! Run!

That's for my Taurus!

Jesus.

Yeah?

I think we're finally out.

Aah!

It's a good time to get out of here.

You still want to split?

Given a choice between
the lesser of two evils,

I think I'm gonna stick
with shitty parents.

Okay. Suit yourself.

See ya!

Hi.

I still want to marry you.

Just kidding!

She's funny. I told you.

Hmm? Hmm? _

- What'd she say?
- I don't know. I don't speak Russian.

_

_

You have 50 new messages.

Hey, babe. Are you still
coming home tonight?

I haven't heard from you.

If you are, can you pick up milk?

Oh, and bananas.

Oh, and tell him to get hot dogs!

I want hot dogs!

Ugh. You-know-who wants hot dogs.

Dude, I know she pays our rent, but...

I don't know what she told
you, but I really want hot dog.

I told him that.

Hey, dad. I need 100 bucks.

Don't ask why.

Hey. Me again.

We also need laundry detergent

and cat food... the wet kind.

Hey, Dad. If Delilah's
getting 100 bucks, I want 100...

Hey, it's Edie.

Listen, I know we didn't
really end on a good note,

but your son was...

Hey, it's me again.
Your machine cut me off.

Machine.

Hey, dumb ass, it's Vanessa.
Call me. It's impo...

Hey, it's me.

Looks like you finally
made it to the beach, huh?

Listen, I got the package.

Consider us square.

Hey, whatever you do,
just don't get in the...

Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com