All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0901 - Shoeway to Heaven

Hi. I'm Billy Ray Wetnapp
for Pest Boys Extermination.

And I'm Kelly, your friendly
neighborhood Verminator.

And if you're like me...

...there's nothing you love more
than a good old-fashion cookout.

But if there's one thing
that fries my frankfurter...

...it's sharing my buns
with a bunch of pesky insects.

Well, if bugs are making you sizzle...

...just pick up a can
of our newest insect repellent...

...Pure-T-Poison.

And to demonstrate
just how effective it is...

...we've sprayed the Verminator's
left arm with it...

...and if she wants her paycheque,
she'll have to stick that left arm...

...into this cage of ravenous
Samoan dragon beetles and take it.

- Left?
- Right.

Got you.

Boy, I tell you, I'd rather
have my ass caned in Singapore...

...than get bit by one of them.

Somebody shoot me!
Shoot me, please!

It's Manny, me and Ma
here at Pest Boys, where our motto is:

"The only good bugs
is named Bunny."

Although, we'd kill him too
if you paid us.

"Left? Right. Got you"?

You know, if you were any dumber,
my IQ would go down.

Bud, spare me your icky boy opinions
and let's get back to the side effects.

Look, all it says...

...is that Samoans use these beetles
to make a kind of truth serum.

Truth serum?

Yeah, you know,
it makes it impossible for you to lie.

For instance, if someone was to ask
you, "How much is two plus two?"

Now, you would have to be honest
and answer:

Oh, yeah?

Well, I may insult you back,
but deep down inside...

...I envy your intelligence
and hope you can't see through me.

Well, this could certainly be fun.

What am I gonna do?

- Hello?
- Hi, Bud.

Hi, Mom. How's everything
in Wanker County?

Oh, fine.
Grandma's doing much better.

It was just a mild heart attack,
but it took us all by surprise.

Oh, please.

Jupiter's got moons that weigh less
than she does.

By the way, Mom, Kelly's been
real anxious to talk to you.

Yeah. Hold on a second.

- No, I don't wanna-- I don't wanna talk--
- Take the phone!

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- How is everyone?
- All right, I guess.

Dad's at the shoe store
and Bud is holding his own.

- And how are you?
- Well, fine.

Especially considering
what a horrible role model you were.

But then again...

...you were too busy watching TV
and dyeing your hair, so--

I'll see you in a few weeks, Mom.
Yeah.

Oh, my God. Those stupid beetles have
me telling the truth to my own mother.

That is a squaw
that stroked the camel's sack.

Why can't I have a job I love
like everybody else?

Oh, God, I hate my job.

- Hey, Al?
- I'm back here, Jefferson!

Oh, hey, Al. What are you doing?

I'm doing some inventory.
What's going on with you?

Oh, Marcie's in another one
of her foul moods. PMS.

- You know, post-MasterCard syndrome.
- Yeah, I know.

I mean, she can charge anything
any time she wants...

...but let me buy one stinking
ivory-inlaid pool table...

Oh, well. You wanna come over...

...see what the limit on a Platinum card
looks like before they haul it away?

No, to tell you the truth, I'm looking
forward to a great night of sex.

- I thought Peggy was out of town.
- She is, that's what makes it so good.

Good one.

Do me a favor, hand me that box
of sandals over there, would you?

Oh, sure.

Hey, you know, maybe Marcie
could use a pair of sandals--

Hey!

- Jefferson, are you okay?
- I think I got whiplash.

I don't have no insurance.

Well, then I don't have whiplash.

Now, wait a second, Al--

Wait a second. There's a bunch
of boxes back here, Al.

- Give me a hand.
- Move them over here.

- Check this out.
- Man. What the hell?

Hey, Jefferson,
maybe this is Al Capone's treasure.

Why would Al Capone hide his treasure
in the wall of a women's shoe store?

Maybe he was dating
J. Edgar Hoover.

Come on, let's get this stuff outside.

It's pretty heavy.

Oh, please let it be money.

It's gotta be money.
I know it's money.

- I know it, I know it, I know it--
- It's shoes.

I knew it.

Shoes. Al, what kind of numskull
would hide shoes in a shoe store?

Me.

I didn't like doing inventory
in the '70s either.

The '70s.

The clothes, the shoes, the music.

Boy, did they suck.

Come on,
help me wall this stuff back up.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait a second, Al.

Don't you know what's going on
in the world?

Oh, look at me, Jefferson.
You know that I don't.

Al, '70s fashions
are back in style now.

These shoes, my friend,
are worth a lot of money.

Yeah, right. These shoes cost
less than 20 bucks back then.

I know those shoes.
They were called Foxy Ladies.

I'll give you $200 for those.
Who do I pay?

Oh, yeah.

Jefferson, 100 bucks each.
You know what this means?

You have to put great sex off
for some other night?

Put it off?
Hell, I'm having it right now.

Hi, I'm Terry Murphy
with What's Hip in Chicago.

And today I'm standing
in what used to be called...

...Gary's Shoes and Accessories,
but thanks to the genius of one man--

That's-- That's two men.

Two men.
--the hip, the trendy and pathetic...

...are flocking
to Al Bundy's House of Sole.

And now I'd like you to meet
the shoe guru himself...

...Mr. Al Bundy.

Four touchdowns in one game,
you say?

My, isn't that something?

But for the few viewers we have left,
Mr. Bundy...

...what inspired you to create
this environment?

Well, you see, Terr--

You don't mind if I call you Terr,
do you?

Yes, I mind.

Oh, well, you see, Terr,
I think that the--

I think the '70s symbolizes
the very best in America.

Take The Avengers, the Shelby Cobra,
"Bad Moon Rising."

That was the '60s.

Well, take Miami Vice, the DeLorean,
"Ebony and Ivory."

That was the '80s.

Well, what happened in the '70s?

The Ford Pinto, Diff'rent Strokes
and Billy Beer.

This is Terry Murphy
for What's Hip in Chicago...

...wishing I were Terry Murphy
for What's Hip in L.A.

Diff'rent Strokes, really?

Back to you, Bob. Cut.

Well, Dad, as near as I can count...

...you got 30 crates back there
with 10 pair of shoes per crate.

Oh, man.

That's 30 times something shoes.

That's exactly what Kelly said.

Right after, she said
your lack of parental guidance...

...was directly responsible
for her low self-esteem...

...and has colored her relationship
with all men.

Oh, and your feet stink.

But she's still gonna model for me,
isn't she?

- Yeah.
- Then what are you bothering me for?

Go count some shoes.

Hey, Al.

We've cleared over 5 grand
today already.

And the more we raise the price,
the more they want them.

Oh, man.

- Oh, women are idiots.
- Yeah.

- You gotta love them.
- Yeah.

I gotta have some.

Not now, Marcie, I'm working.

Not you, a pair of these shoes.

Do you know what I was doing the last
time I was wearing shoes like these?

Inspiring Helen Reddy to write
her new song "I Am Poultry"?

Sitting with my friends
in a room full of incense...

...singing protest songs
like "Who'll Stop the Rain"...

..."Everyday People,"
"Kung Fu Fighting."

Our generation wasn't hung up
on material things.

- Do you have these in a nine?
- Give me those, they're mine!

Hey. Hey, now. Whoa, now.
Ladies. Ladie--

Now, my little super freak.

Now, there's a lot more
where this came from.

Kelly, a pair of Honey Wests, please.

Kelly, those shoes are so far-out.

They're trippy, they're groovy,
they're uptight, out of sight.

What do you think?

- Truthfully?
- Of course.

Well, since you asked, I think that
there's nothing more pathetic...

...than trying to relive your glory days
through your feet.

Much like your hairstyle, Mrs. D'Arcy,
the '70s are history.

It's just you
and Alvin the Chipmunk now.

At least he has a pleasant voice.

You'll have to forgive Kelly
for that Alvin crack.

Personally, I think your voice
sounds like Simon.

So, what are you gonna do
with your share, Al?

I always said
if I came into a little money...

...I'd spread it around the community.
You know, give a little to charity.

Of course, I just said that.

Yeah, I'll probably spend it all
on hookers and booze.

Or her.

Al. Al, that's Dominique...

...the highest-paid lingerie model
in the world.

Page 36, Soft and Slinky catalog.

The plum-Lycra teddy?

I didn't recognize her
not straddling a cannon.

- Hi. Can somebody help me?
- Yes.

My name is Al Bundy,
and I was born to rock your world.

Well, that answered
none of my questions.

I'm booked to appear on a TV special
this weekend...

...and I need some really funky shoes
to wear.

This is where you talk.

Oh, shoes? Oh, we got shoes.

Yeah, here's some shoes.

Oh, I like these.

- How much?
- For what?

- Oh, shoes?
- The shoes.

Oh, we got shoes.
Here's some shoes.

How much?

Well, for you I could probably
let them go for--

Free.

I wouldn't feel comfortable
just taking them.

No. I wouldn't feel comfortable
just giving them to you.

No, no, they're yours...

...providing, when you're on the show,
you mention where you got them.

That sounds fair.

You know, that's very, very kind of you.
I'll do it. Al Bundy's House of Sole.

Yeah, where the shoes are free
and the salesmen are morons.

What the hell did you do that for?

Al, it's a plug on network television.

Network, it means the whole country.

Not if it's NBC.

Look, Al, don't you see?

If she mentions the name of the store
on TV...

...we can sell these shoes
for anything we want.

This could be the biggest thing
that ever happened to you.

Bigger than high school football?

Even bigger than that.

God.

- Dad, you're out of shoes.
- Of course.

- Are you sure about this, Bud?
- What do I look like, an idiot?

You're still out of shoes.

And you still look like an idiot.

All right, no problem.

Now, there's gotta be dozens
of shoemakers in the phone book.

We'll just-- We'll call one,
have him copy the shoes we have...

...and we'll say they're authentic.

Jefferson, won't making
all these new shoes...

...cost more money
than we already have?

No sweat.
We'll refinance your house.

Yeah, that should be easy
to get a sixth.

I gotta hand it to you, Jefferson...

...these knockoffs look just like
the originals.

Well, if you want the best,
you've gotta go to the best.

If it wouldn't be too much trouble
for thee...

...might I have a little
air conditioning?

No, thee may "noot."

Now, any more complaints out of you,
I'm gonna have your buckboard towed.

Now, get back in there to work.

Please, I gotta have these.
How much?

Oh, we don't know yet, ma'am.

The price won't be fixed
for a few more minutes.

All right, ladies, it's shoe time.

Excuse me.

Live at the Kennedy Center...

...welcome to Fox's first annual
Lingerie Award.

And here's our host, Dominique.

Not the body, you idiots, the shoes.
Show the shoes.

Before I present the first award...

...I'd like to thank a very special man
who has shoed my world.

- We're rich.
- Goodbye, Peg.

Hello, everybody else.

These shoes were a special gift...

...given to me by Al Bundy
of Al Bundy's House of Sole.

- Yes!
- Yes!

Methinks the price be fixed now.

And now, for the category
of Best Supporting Bra...

...in a comedy, musical
or news special--

Oh, my God, Dominique just fell
into the orchestra pit.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...the heel of Dominique's shoe
has fallen off.

It appears she has,
at the very least...

...broken her leg in one, two,
three places.

Hello, Peg.

Goodbye, everybody else.

And it's all because
of one shoddy shoe...

...from Al Bundy's House of Sole.

You know,
why don't they just spell it?

That's A-L B-U-N-D-Y apostrophe S
House of Sole.

Serving number one.
Serving-- Serving number two.

Serving-- Serving three through 99.

Serving life
without the possibility of parole!

So it is true that one of thy shoes...

...hast broken the leg
of fabulous supermodel Dominique?

Afraid so.

Thou art waist-deep
in the big muddy.

Waist-deep and upside down.

Go raise a barn, Hiram.

Well, listen, Al...

...if there's anything I can do,
you just name it.

- Well, Jefferson, you--
- See you.

Well, I guess there's nothing
left to do...

...but close up.