Original subtitles

Aloha, foolish mortals.

You have come across the Gates of Hell.

Prepare to meet your fiery fate in an orderly fashion.

Three lines, please.

Boo.

Come inside The Gates where we have no

used condoms to step on.

What about you, guy texting?

Why don't you text the rest of your boy band

to come down to Hell?

Anyone? Any takers?

That was pathetic.

You don't know the first thing

about carnival barking. Time for school, son.

Hear ye, hear ye: Repent now, foolish mortal,

for ye enter now the gates of Hell!

That is how that's done.

Enthusiasm, bro. And always throw the horns. Always!

Yeah, man, 'cause there's nothing depressing

about old metal heads still throwing up horns.

Listen here, skinny jeans fuck nose,

this place can't survive forever without customers.

No customers, no money. No money, no park.

No park, no park.

"No park, no park!"

What are you, a valet at P.F. Chang?

You do know that you just repeated myself, right?

Or did you get pummeled with so many leather dildos

at a Judas Priest concert that you have no idea

what you're saying right now?

Listen, it would be an honor

to be fucked by Judas Priest.

You don't know shit about dick or rock or roll.

Ah!

Get that lubtard to fix this shit.

I'll tell him.

You can also tell him that he looks like

a prime candidate for Type-2 diabetes.

So funny, Cleb.

You know, I hear you talking about my friend,

but it looks like the words are coming out

of a dog shit snowman.

Hey, man... Do you have a time machine

so I can go back in time

and punch your mom in the stomach

so you don't grow up to be you?

Uh, uh... bitch head.

Augie, the ride's broken again.

Cleb: I'll punch your dick off with my mouth, bro.

Okay, red is the relay and white is the ground.

Ahhh!

Woman with Romanian accent: Hey, what is going on up there?

Um, I'm sorry, I just shorted out

Part of my body.

It's very dark in here.

Zonar, mistress of the Macabre,

is in need of power!

Just let me get a flashlight

and then I'll, uh...

Okay, so I'll just need to check the, uh...

Hello?

Madame Zonar?

Tell me,

do you believe in destiny?

Why, should I?

Do you believe that your heart

will stop because of all the fat

that is collected around it from

the junk food and garbage you eat?

I can only imagine that your veins are

filled with grease and tacos

and Cheetos.

Do you believe in this destiny?

Well, I mean, I.-

Oh! Mr. Fat, Fat, Fattykins.

Okay, I just need to find your breakers.

It's true that I smother my sadness with carbs.

It's my... private shame.

Augie: Shit!

Oh.

I sense that you are good with your hands.

Than... thanks.

Please, sit down.

You are talented, young one.

But you spend too much time fucking your hand.

What?! How did you...

Yes, and your hand doesn't enjoy it.

It's not consensual.

No, that's not true at all!

So, basically, you're raping your own hand.

No... And that is why nobody loves you.

You're way off. Nobody will ever love you.

Augie, what are you doing?

Please, sit down.

Madame Zonar, dreamer of desires,

senses a need within you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I work here.

Can you not talk like that?

You're an adult on Planet Earth.

Well, maybe if you put a circuit breaker

on my crystal ball, I could do my job here.

Yeah, we gotta get this whole place

in shape or we're all gonna be out of jobs, okay?

You could use some shaping-up yourself.

I know I may be old and wrinkly,

but my power can provide.

Really? So can my vagina.

Not my breasts so much.

They've been used and abused.

You know what? I take one look

at you and my dick hops out of my pants,

goes and gets a gun

and blows the head of its own dick off.

That is not the first time I have been told that

by a man.

Bro, I saw the way that you were looking at her.

Wait, what?

Thinkin' about throwing Madame Bonar

a part of your baby dick?

Remy, that's fucked up, dude. No way!

Come on, Aug, you need the experience.

And she rubs balls for a living.

I mean, they're crystal, so at least she'll be careful,

but she's, like, a thousand years old.

I mean, she must be like

a sandpaper factory down there.

Dude, don't knock sandpaper.

My cat licked my penis when I was in 6th grade

and I still think about it.

Augie: Not again.

I gotta put this horse down.

Dude, this place is in trouble.

The Gates of Hell's our main attraction

and it's falling to shit.

Yeah, I know.

Well, you're the handyman, Augie,

so fix it.

No, no, I would, but Cleb told me

there's no money to fix it.

Ouch! Hey!

Sorry.

Augie: Ouch!

Did you ask Curt for the money?

No, no, no 'cause he's...

The assistant manager. Cleb's the manager.

His name is Cleb. I mean, imagine his parents.

Yeah, it does feel like they gave up

just as soon as they started

choosing baby names.

♪ Hot fuck action to the max

♪ that's what I like Fuck action...

Clockin' out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

you're seriously leaving early? That's right.

Got a hot date tonight. With Madame Zonar.

Oh, you mean the fortune-teller.

I'm pretty sure I saw her on deck today

slipping around in what appeared to be

her own vomit as she was trying

to poo off the side of her boats.

That's my lady.

Well, not to be a dick, my friend,

just pointing out the obvious here,

you don't really have any skill sets. Yep.

And then, you know, you smoke a tremendous

amount of weed, Right.

And you spend all your time talking

to alcoholic, mentally-ill fortune-tellers. That's me.

All while the rides are in

dangerously bad condition.

Whoa, I told Remy to tell Augie to fix 'em.

That buck has been passed.

Well, yeah, right, but still, I mean,

one of us has to maintain a safe park,

you know, so our customers don't die on the rides.

Well, I guess we gotta figure out who's

gonna do that, you or me?

Well, since you're the manager...

420!

See you tomorrow.

Awesome, all right, thank you so much

for all the stuff you do, Cleb,

whatever that is, bud.

Uh...

Remy: Jab, jab. jab, jab-

Augie: You're goin' down! Remy: Boom, boom!

Watch out now.

Remy: Ah, shit.

So, dude, after break,

we need you to order some parts for The Gates.

Not this time. The park is done.

What? What?

The park is done? Bullshit.

We just a letter from the bank.

The place is bankrupt.

Bankrupt?

How could you let this happen?

Me?! This place is a dinosaur, man.

Other parks have roller-coasters

that rearrange your organs.

We got a squirt gun balloon race

and a needle-exchange program.

Curt, remember the three of us

were gonna bro-out here forever?

I don't know what to tell ya.

Maybe I'll go to college.

Oh, really, bro'? Awesome, man.

Yeah, just go to college, dude. Come on.

What, are you gonna major in roofies

with a minor in let's-get-the fuck-out-of-here?

I'm sorry you don't have a fallback plan, Remy.

Maybe you should go ask that fortune-teller

Madame Zonar for some career advice.

Curt: Let's go see if the bearded lady will

Augie: I'll go get the chloroform.

Augie: Curt, steal that clown's knife.

Curt: Yeah! Remy: We should carve our names in the pier

and after high school, if we're still hanging out

at this park, we'll all slit our wrist with that knife.

The fool again? Did I shuffle these?

Ah, you were expected.

You knew I was gonna come?

I am Zonar, I know all.

Wow. What am I thinking right now?

I sense you are haunted

by the dark underlords of the sea.

Ha! Not even close.

I was thinking about sucking my own click

in front my family on Easter.

That is not the first time

I have been told that by a man.

Ah, where was I?

'Tis the sad fate of the cynic

to miss the offerings of the spirits.

The power is within you, child,

should you choose to look for a sign.

Ugh, look for a sign, really?

It's that simple?

Remy: What?

The book of Bee-el-ze-bub.

Is the Devil crying?

WOW!

What is it?

Oh, I was just wondering where

you got this book.

A spirit bequeathed it

as an offering from the dark lord.

A dark lord queefed it on you?

What does that mean? Can I borrow it?

No, this isn't a library.

I know, it's a lez-brary,

filled with creepy old ladies.

Don't worry, look into the future.

You'll see me returning this book.

Remy?

Remy?

Whoa.

Augie: Hey, buddy.

What's up?

Curt: You don't look so good, man.

Guys, check it out.

What's that? That is the Book of Beelzebub,

the key to saving the park.

Wait, what? Dude, ldon% get it.

Look, people travel across the world

to see the face of Jesus on a tortilla, right?

Huh?

Well, the same people will come to the park

in droves to see Jesus' enemy cry

like a pussy.

Still ain't gonna save the park.

Come on, Curt, doesn't this park

mean anything to you anymore?

Honestly, not really.

Curt, you lost your virginity

right there on this ride.

Augie tried to lose his virginity there

with the strong man.

That's why you should care about this place, man.

Whatever. Hey, bro, can I get a mint?

No.

Come on.

I'm always lending you stuff

and you never pay me back.

Don't bust my balls, just give me a mint.

All right, look, if you promise

to hit me back, I'll give you

one of my La Petit mints.

Okay, I promise to give you one back.

So, you currently have mints in your possession?

I have a pack of mints in my pocket right now.

I just happen to like Remy's flavor better.

All right, well, just swear on the Book of Beelzebub.

Fine, I swear.

Gimme your hand. Why?

Blood oath. Ow! Geez!

Who does that anymore?

Uh, "By the smitten brow of Beelzebub,

“this oath doth bind me. May I keep its sacred word,

"or Beelzebub will find me."

Yes! It's official.

Ugh. Fuck, finally.

Mmmm.

Now, that's a refreshing mint.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

Now, give me one of yours.

Ah, yes, of course.

Hmm, wait a minute, that's weird.

Oh, man, I thought I had my mints,

but I guess I don't. Sorry, I guess

I can't honor my oath.

Oh! Typical Curt, promise and don't deliver.

Typical Remy, always keeping score.

Uh, guys...

You made an oath! Who cares?

You swore on Devil shit. Fuck Devil shit!

Look out!

Curt: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

Augie: Everything's going in!

Hey! Curt!

Help me!

Hold on!

What the hell's going on?!

What the fuck?!

This one of your bullshit tricks, Remy!

If this is a prank, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Piece of shit!

What just happened?! I don't know!

Jesus Christ!

I have no idea what I just saw.

What did you do? What are you talking about? What did I do?

I didn't conjure up a vortex!

Curt just got sucked into another dimension, Remy.

Oh, really, Augie?

I thought that portal went to Barnes and Noble.

We gotta go in after him.

Curt wouldn't go in after me!

Yeah, he would, he's your friend.

I hate friends!

You were the one that made a blood oath.

Ah, all right! Let's go.

This mysterious portal. Better be quick.

Ahhh!

What is that?!

Mmmm.

Dippin' Dots!

I wish we were in Barnes and Noble.

Ahhh!

I'm not being a pussy,

that was really scary, right?

I'm so scared, my shit just shit its pants.

Where are we?

I don't know! Why do you act like I've done this before?

What are those things? Look, it's Curt!

I'm an American, jack, get your hands off me!

Don't waterboard me, dude.

Where are we?

We're screwed. Who are those people?

Ow!

Demons: Lake of Fire! Sin! Lake of Fire! Sin!

Lake of Fire! Sin!

Lake of Fire!

Holy shit!

Dude, we gotta hide!

Ahhh!

Demon guard: May I take your order?

I will, have, uh a pepperoni pizza, please.

There ain't no pepperoni pizza.

Oh, I'm sorry, but it does say

Pizza Hut and Taco Bell,

so I thought maybe I could get some pizza, as well.

It says "pizza" and it says "taco,"

but we only got taco.

You're being tortured. Oh, all right.

Order another pizza. I think I see where this is headed.

Just order the damn pizza!

I will have, uh, a pizza with

extra cheese, please.

There ain't no pizza.

You can have a chalupa, burrito... churro.

Now, it does say Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to Hell.

Oh, my God! We're in Hell!

Lake of Fire!

If you lend him a pen, he chews on it.

Lake of Fire!

Fat guy with a nickname "Tiny.“

Lake of Fire!

Lunch? Damn, man, we got 20 minutes before break.

Oh, who's gonna know?

Sometimes I think your heart's not in this anymore.

Sorry, man, I'm just going through

some fucking life changes right now, you know?

I'm gonna throw you in the fucking flame.

Is that a mortal? What the fuck are you doing?

Uh, who, us?

Uh, just floatin' around. Tryin' to get hammed, dude. Spring breakin' it.

Some bullshit's going on. Take 'em back to processing.

No, no, no, no. Take 'em to the office.

Where?! Wait, let's talk about this.

Ouch! Hey!

Come on!

Ouch! Ouch!

Oh, okay, okay!

Woman's voice on intercom: Please remove all religious paraphernalia-

If you're a priest or a nun,

that's just really funny because you wasted your life.

Enjoy your stay in Hell, and remember,

you're here for a reason or your Jewish.

Pick up after yourself. Your mother doesn't live here.

If she does, she was a whore.

What is this place?

Augie: Wait, what the fuck is that thing?

Remy, Remy! What? There's nobody here.

Oh!

I don't know, Augie, this place is incredible.

No, Remy, don't touch anything.

This is "stranger danger" all around us.

Male voice: Now, everyone, eat your own genitals.

Demon: Um, we already ate them.

Voice: Well, throw up your genitals and eat them again!

Our budget is out of control!

And I've got a report here that says

we're making lost souls walk over warm coals.

Uh, they're pretty hot.

I walked over them myself!

It felt like a freaking foot massage!

We've all had to cut corners.

Even the gluttons are beginning to look anorexic.

Our dental plan has a steep deductible.

Our union hasn't had a sacrifice in 3 years.

The reason that shit's all fucked up

is 'cause we're not paying our people right.

Yeah, our team!

Hell yeah, nigger!

Dude, I can't believe you used the "n" word.

What? No, I can say it down here, down here's okay.

Devil: All of you get the fuck out of here!

He is being a real bitch today.

Gloria, hold my calls. Ah, hump day.

Gloria: The lunch room fridge will be cleaned out on Friday.

They should at least give us 'til Monday.

Well... If you leave any food...

Drinks or containers in there... No.

My spring rolls? They will be thrown out.

That's my food! It's still good!

What? Gloria: P.S. You also have a time-sensitive email from

the Demon's Union.

Oh! Demon's Union! What do they want?

They put in a request to have the new mortal

tortured and sacrificed.

Curt's gonna be sacrificed?

Ugh, we've gotta find him.

Oh, boy! P.P.S. Barb's on her way down here from Heaven.

What?! She's flying down here right now?

I'll tell her you're unavailable.

No, no! Tell her I've cleared my schedule just for her. Okay.

I'm gonna be off the grid for a few minutes.

Now, I'll just rub one out

so I don't finish too quickly tonight.

Ah! Shirtz N Skinz with a "z."

♪ I love the way she holds my horns

♪ Now we'll get naked as the day we born

♪ She's straight from Heaven

♪ I won't let go I won't... let... go...

Hey, Remy, what are you doing?

I'm looking for clues to help us find Curt.

Ooh, the Devil's cell phone.

That might come in handy.

Oh. oh! Ah!

Whoa. The Devil's actual Devil's Brew.

Oh, oops.

Augie!

Are you okay?!

Yeah, motherfucker!

That's the real shit! Shhh!

More, more. I need more please! Give me more, please!

I'd drink a pint of ass blood

for another sip of that brew.

I need it inside of me!

If Heaven's right, then I wanna be wrong

in Hell with this sweet, sweet ambrosia!

♪ Doo wop doot doot doot doot doo wop

♪ Doot doot doot doot doo wop

♪ Doot doot doot doot doo wop

Love seat.

♪ She's my angel

Uh-uh-ah!

Huh?

What the hell are you two doing here?

Uh, uh, uh... We're just trying to save our friend, Curt.

Uh, yeah, yeah. You know, just in and out.

Really? Who do you think you are, Orpheus?

Who's Orpheus?

You don't know your

Greek mythology, do ya?

Orpheus, the mortal who came down to Hell

to rescue his wife? Anyone?

Man, public education.

No wonder the Chinese are kickin' our ass.

Wait, so he finds mortals

and rescues them from Hell?

Because you know what we do to mortals in Hell...

Gloria: Barb is on her way down to your office.

I told her she can't go in unannounced.

Damn! Look, I'm gonna kill both of you,

but I need some time alone with an angel, first.

So, sit over here and enjoy

your last few moments alive.

It's gonna be great, you're gonna love it.

Take your time! Yeah, no hurry!

See ya in a few!

I'll be lovin' you for so long

♪ I don't know if it's right or wrong

Ooh!

Whoa, Devil,

look at this new style of yours.

You're quite the dandy.

That's a real statement.

Wow, you really look good.

Oh, you.

How do you do it? Low-carbs and porn.

Barb, you got nice ones.

Aww, see I'm not wearing a bra, either.

No, you're wings.

Have you had work done on your wings?

No. They're gorgeous.

Oh, Devil, stop it.

I have a little problem.

I wanna help so bad.

Somehow, I have to find and extract two mortals

from unauthorized damnation within your jurisdiction.

Two mortals, huh?

If I find 'em for ya, what's my reward?

If you find them, I'll do things with you

that would make the Internet blush.

Oooh... yeah!

This is my lucky day.

Look over there, Barb!

Mini-golf?

Wait, uh, hold on. Keep looking.

What? Ugh! Work, machine!

Gotcha! Doh!

You know what? Stop. Just stop.

Wait, Barb, where are you going?

I'm flying back to Heaven.

Don't text me until

you've found the two mortals.

Wait, Barb... I love you!

Good luck!

Gloria, I need you to put an APB

on those two mortals and make it clear

that if they're not found,

I will rip every demon's head off!

Gloria: Do you have any idea where they're heading?

Hmm, I might've told them about Orpheus a little.

Wait, wait, wait... Ahhh!

Gloria: Attention, demons.

There are 2 mortals on the loose in Hell,

so if everyone could put down your spears

and look around your work area.

Repeat, two mortals...

Did we just get name-checked

by Hell's Public Address System?

Gloria: One is a normal-looking guy and the other one

looks like he only eats dough.

That seemed a little mean. Anybody?

Whoa! Augie, Augie, check it out.

Augie: A gondola. Let's go!

Gloria: We are deploying all demons to locate

and capture the two mortals.

They are on their way to find Orpheus.

Orpheus!

We're gone-dola in 60 seconds. Boo.

Remy: What? "Gone in Sixty Seconds“ is a movie

about you eating a wedding cake.

Do you know where we're going?

Let's find Orpheus.

I got an idea for another great punishment.

Imagine this: hot girl, she asks you out.

She's like, "Hey, let's go do Birkam yoga."

You go, you do yoga.

It's hot, it's sweaty,

she looks fucking great.

She shows you every major

flexibility that she has.

Sweaty in all the right places.

What do you call that one move?

Dog down.

She can get her feet behind her ears.

Legs behind her fucking neck... Ahh!

And walk home on her ass. Oh!

She's making her body into that alphabet

right there on that yoga mat.

A, B, C, D...

And she's spelling out "Fuck me" Of course she is.

While you're doing yoga, which sucks for you,

but you're gonna do it because you're gonna get

to fuck this hot girl after.

Oh, I love that!

End of the night, "Good night, I gotta go home."

What?!

So, you do yoga day after clay and no sex.

That would be the ultimate punishment

for any man. That's a great punishment.

I've always feared that I was meant

to die a virgin, like that's my main purpose.

Shut "P, Augie!

Hey, does that look like those mortals?

They found us!

Oh, I guess it is.

Throw them in the Lake of Fire!

Gloria: The mortals have been spotted on the Devil's Gondola.

Come on. Over here.

Gloria: Bring back the mortals, alive.

Let's go!

Aw!

3, 2, 1...

It's a living.

'Lee-ha.

Run! Run!

Demon: Get back here!

You're not goin' anywhere!

Augie!

I'm gonna fuck you two up!

Where you gonna go now?

Hold on!

There he is! Get him! Kill him!

No, my mints!

Hey, everybody, we got mints!

It's raining mints!

Hold on!

You like getting stabbed?

I'll cut that little face of yours.

Maybe I'll make a bigger mouth.

Here, you want a soda pop?

Ooh, I wouldn't say "no."

It's flat. You got flat soda.

You got me.

Here, you want some neopolitan ice cream? Oh, thank you.

All right, here it is.

Oh, now, someone seems to have eaten

all of the chocolate and vanilla.

That's right! You just have strawberry.

You should drink some of this milk.

I'm not usually a milk-drinker.

Oh! It's Quick!

Yeah... It's Strawberry Quick!

It's not even Chocolate Quick.

No, it's that strawberry crap.

It's not fun. Welcome to Hell.

Let's see, alumni association, no thanks.

Starving children, fuck you. Heh.

Gloria: Devil? Sal and Dave

called to say they lost the two mortals

you were looking for.

I think Barb's gonna be disappointed.

Damn it! I'm surrounded by idiots.

Put them through.

Sal: Hey, boss.

Devil: What are you doing?

I just did yoga-

Turns out, dudes only. Huge bummer.

Oh, good! Oh, good! You're finding your core.

This is good to hear. Once you find your core,

go find the mortals!

Okay, plan of attack. Let's see, if I...

A-ha! Gloria, I need you to announce

the biggest sacrifice at the Crossroads

that Hell has ever seen. Gloria: Okay, Devil.

Then, I'll simply wait for the other mortals

to come to me.

I really gotta grow a mustache.

Now, let's see here. Push this...

Whoa!

Faster than I remembered... Ahhh!

This elevator can't be up to code.

Let's see, the last time it was inspected was...

Ahhhh!

Okay, voided my bowels.

You can do this, buddy. This is for the demons.

They love this shit. Let's go this!

Abigor: All right, everybody!

Prepare to meet our dark lord!

Devil: Grrr!

All hail the God of Lies!

You're goddamn right!

The worst of the worst!

Fuckin' A!

The Hell Pig of Butt Mountain!

Don't love that one.

The douchiest of all bags.

That was kinda mean, actually

The dick of all assholes!

Okay, that's enough.

The guy who fucked your mother

and tells you about it!

Always! Just one step too far.

Where's the fucking mortal?!

Curt: Hot fuck action to the max,

that's what I like, hot fuck action

to the max... got a big dick.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Where am I?!

You poor, dumb bastard.

You don't even know what's going on.

Fella, you'e in Hell.

Oh, boy. And who are you?

Can you believe this guy? I'm the fucking Devil!

No one had the decency to torture this guy

before I got down here?

The boys were just hoping

to see the master at work.

You are the man, the Devil!

Enough ass-kissing.

Now, which one of these dastardly contraptions

shall I use?

Ah! Perhaps this one!

Oh, no, no,

that's our foosball table, chief.

Agh!

Devil: Moving on!

Aha! Get in here.

Okay.

There! Tell me of the pain you feel

so we may laugh at you!

Ah, okay, um, actually the bouncing

up and down is kind of giving me

a tickle in a funny spot.

It is not tickling!

Is this a Sybian? No!

I assure you, this is a Sybian.

You get off this. Try this.

Let me on. Let me...

Let me on!

It's a Sybian.

Oh, wait a minute, guys. Seriously, come on.

What do you want? I'll give you anything.

Please don't do this, for God's... please.

I'll stroke your shaft and play with your nuts.

I'll stick my fingers in your ass.

I will tickle your balls.

I'll suck everybody's cock here.

Whose cock is first?

Don't do this!

I'll su..

Demonic voice under mask: Kill them all and let God sort 'em out.

Who's next?

Shut up or I'll drill your brains and

turn you into sex zombies.

Why are you mortals here?

I, uh, uh...

He found a crying Devil book

and made our friend take a blood oath,

which I was up for, but now I look back on

as a mistake. And he broke the oath.

That's why we're here. Not because I...

Why are you looking for Orpheus?

Because he, he, he...

Augie: Because Orpheus is the only one who can

save our friend!

Both: Girl.

Hey, you tricked us!

Yeah, that's false advertising.

I know, I'm bad.

But I could still kill you

'cause I'm half-demon.

Oh, okay.

Take me to Orpheus!

Only if you take us to Curt first.

Fuck no.

Um... yeah, the way I see it,

you can't find Orpheus without us,

so we've got the upperhand, purple lady.

Take me to Orpheus.

Ahh!

Hey, that's my heart.

Ten, nine...

Heart belongs in body.

Oh, do you need your little heart?

Seven... Pretty sure you're gonna die.

Take my liver. It's already dead.

It needs its owner.

Put it back in.

Five... Oh, it's slowing down... three...

two...

It shouldn't be outside of my body...

Take your last breath.

Okay, okay, okay, don't kill my friend!

Oh!

I saw a white light

and then my grandmamommy was there and she was like,

"Hey, Remington, would you like a cookie?"

Where's Orpheus?!

Okay, okay, I got his address in here.

Gah, cracked screen.

He's in the ancient...

Ah, the Ancient Realm.

It looks like the corner of...

Inferno and Martin Luther King Jr. Drive.

Sounds like a good neighborhood.

Do you know where that is?

Durmess, that lying bitch.

He's been down there this whole time.

Remy: Uh, everything okay?

Yeah. You guys help me find Orpheus

and I'll get you to your friend Curt.

Yes! Deal!

Both: Ahh!

Okay, everyone. Keep it down.

Let's get this thing started.

Ooh! ls that the mortal you're feedin' to Beelzebub?

Don't worry about it, 'kay?

I got it handled.

Gang, Curt. Curt, gang.

Hey, nobody told me it was

Bring Your Mortal to Work Day.

Oh, is that what you think we're here for,

so you can all make jokes?

I just got word we're going to start

judging pets so dogs can go to Heaven.

You know what that means?

Yes! We're getting all the asshole dogs!

Yeah, we get, like, inbred motherfuckers.

Uh-huh, that's a lot of dogs.

I'm not running a kennel here.

Hey, you, does everyone have dogs?

Well, not everyone. I have a cat.

You know the hardest part

about having cats is?

Telling your parents your gay.

Hey! Cut the homophobic shit! You got it?

Did you know that Azazel over here is gay?

Sorry, to out you, Az.

Anyway...

Now I gotta figure out who's gonna clean up

all that dog shit!

No!

Hey, bro, just let the fucking mortal do it.

Or, feed it to the gluttons.

Yeah, dawg!

Yeah, that's the way to do it!

All of you, get the fuck out of here!

What-what. Somebody's crazy evil today.

Curt, come sit over here, buddy.

Hold on! It's gonna get bumpy!

Remy: Deema, I think we're lost!

The GPS says we're supposed to pass a bail bonds

and a wig gtore.

These idiots that work for me

make a pile of shit and then they say,

"Turn it into roses.“

Whoa! Wh... What happened?

Oh, that's better.

Bro, you just fucking shrunk.

Well, that version of me is sort of

my business suit.

Keeps the demons in line. Really?

Gloria: Devil, the computer network

is down again.

I don't need this right now.

And it can't get here 'til tomorrow.

Do you know that everything we use here

is Dell?

Can you believe that? Uh...

I would much prefer a Mac.

It's friendlier for creative types.

You know, I consider myself an artist.

Oh, an artist like Picasso or Banksy?

Can I see some work?

Well, I do have this one thing

that I've been working on.

Oh, you gotta let me see it.

It's a blacklight painting.

You see here, this is a little Devil,

on a dune buggy, right, and he's flipping off...

What, what is that? I can't read your reaction.

No, it's really good.

Interesting thing about this...

It's like a fucking cartoon.

Nope, that's a realist painting.

That's fucking hilarious.

God, do you have any morefunny picures? No.

You don't get to see any more of my art.

There's your first punishment in Hell.

Awww.

That's... You did it to yourself.

Deema: We're almost there.

Augie: Gotta go to the bathroom.

Deema: Use a cup.

Deema: This is the way to Orpheus.

Remy: What is this place, a microbrewery?

Deema: Stay behind me and keep quiet.

What the fuck is that thing?

Durmessa.

You wanna party?

Ugh, she's been in a 2000-year bender.

I want you to come on over here

and look under my flap.

Please, stop.

Oh, is that right, Mom?

In unison: Mom?

How could you do it?

All these years I've been searching

and he's been down here this whole time.

He's a fuck-face and a deadbeat.

What? Orpheus is a poet

and noble warrior.

You're in love with a drink.

You wouldn't dare!

Open the portal.

You stupid little bitch!

Devil's brew!

I'll lick your can for 30 more drops!

Stop it! I'll fucking kill you.

Durmessa: Deema!

Deema: You should've told me.

I'm a swan.

My bottom says "meow."

You fat pillbilly!

Ow.

You're letting us through!

Stop m.

I made smelly.

God, Deema!

Parkour!

My hand and feet are cops.

My hand and feet are cops.

Oh, momma.

Durmessa: Oh, God!

Whoa!

Ugh.

Why are we going down here again?

Curt. Right.

Your friend Curt. Our friend Curt.

Yeah...

He's not what you think.

He's only gonna disappoint you, Deema.

I'm used to disappointment.

It feels like my brain is vibrating

in a good way.

Best thing about whippits,

you'll feel totally fine in 15 seconds.

We used to do these at the carnival all the time.

So, Devil, what's your story, man?

How'd you get down here?

I used to live upstairs, you know?

Was actually besties with the Big Man.

You mean God? Yes, sir.

I was in charge of his armies, too.

But, they went off to battle and

I was off with this sweet set of wings...

Oh, man! There was this angel that was epic in bed.

She had a pussy inside her pussy.

What? ls that real?!

Turns out, God was dating her, too,

so I guess I'm the asshole.

So, wait, wait, wait.

You're the Devil and have been condemned

to Hell for eternity for fucking God's girlfriend?

Yep.

Whoa, sounds like you got some kind of angel festish, man.

They're gonna be the death of me.

Check this shit out.

Uh, yeah! Wow! What'e her name?

Barb. I fuckin' love her, man.

But she barely knows I exist.

Oh, I doubt that.

Oh, man, those wings are so white

and soft.

Barb, why aren't we married?

Migraines in Hell are really bad.

Augie: I blacked out.

Yeah... don't let me drink Devil's brew again.

Oh, my God.

Hey, I didn't have sex with that blue lady,

did I?

Not in the biblical sense.

Whoa. Whoa.

Deema: This must be the way to Orpheus.

What, we're gonna swim there?

Nope, we're gonna take that submersible. Cool!

Augie, take this rope

and attach it to that hook.

Remy, you go inside and man the controls.

Come on, hop to it.

Jeez, whose side are you on?

What you don't like team work?

I'm just trying to be positive and

build a foundation of trust within

the framework...

Augie: Oh, yeah!

Me strokey. Me have a strokey.

Losing motor skills. Tasting pennies...

I'm releasing the first cable now, Augie.

Damn it, Augie, get inside!

I have to adjust the ballast manually.

Hey, what happened? I'm so fake interested.

Whoa.

Remy: Whoa. Augie: Purple paradise.

Come, you guys,

if we're gonna get through this,

you're gonna have to listen to me.

I do what I want when I want.

Really? Ahh!

Get this off me!

You're gonna wear this

until you learn to listen.

Well, dip me in salt and lick my asshole.

What?

It's a saying I'm trying to get started.

Hey, what's this?

Yeah, that's my idea book.

I jot down new punishments I think of

as I go about my day.

Well, the Devil has a little genius pad.

Let's hear what you got.

It's a catapult, right, with poop inside.

See, now, these here, they're stink lines.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Devil.

That dude getting sacrificed looks

a lot like me.

Yeah, my cartoonist is good, huh?

You mean that's supposed to be me?

Yeah, you're the one being sacrificed.

I thought I told you that.

Wh...? Oh...

Augie, get your head in the game, man.

What's the matter with you? I don't know, Remy.

I think I'm in love.

Oh. no, no, no.

We're coming in too fast.

You wouldn't even know what to do with her.

Okay, little tubby kid from "Goonies"?

Thirty degrees to starboard!

I got it, Deema! I'll do it.

See? We have a connection, Remy.

Deema: Why is the sub listing?

Oh, no, this is really bad, Augie.

She said "Augie.“

You're in the friend zone

and you don't even know it!

How would you know the friend zone?

I've only read about the friend zone

in Bummer Magazine.

See, I love nobody,

and that's what makes me a leader.

What the fuck is that?!

This is an RPG nightmare.

Where there's no leveling up.

Oh, my God.

Deema, are you okay?

We've crossed over to the Ancient Realm.

Get behind me!

You travel the path of Orpheus?!

Yes, we do!

Then know the fate of Orpheus!

Get it? This is the fate of Orpheus.

I'm still alive.

This mech is pretty tits, right?

Huh?

Hahahahaha.

Wait, you're Orpheus?

I've spent my whole life dreaming

of the day I could finally meet you.

Well, that's very flattering,

but I try to be upfront with all my groupies.

I'm not the marrying type.

No, we've come to rescue you.

You can rescue my sperm from my testes.

You guys wanna see my digs?

Uh, fuck and yes together equals

fuck yes!

Then, fucking yes it is, let's do this.

Orpheus!

Nice to meet you, I'm Augie.

I put Skittles in my cereal.

Who is this mushy man?

We were told you're an expert

at getting mortals out of Hell.

Who told you that?

Is that true?

You're really gonna kill me?!

Yeah.

I thought we had a good thing

going on here.

We were just bro-in' out.

We were, but it says here that

you made a blood oath and you broke it.

Seriously, a blood oath?

Yeah, it was dumb.

Nobody does blood oaths anymore!

Not since that guy fucked a monkey.

Well, I..

You promised somebody a breath mint

and you reneged. Really?

Haha. That is laaaame.

But also punishable by death

and an eternity in Hell.

Damn. Seriously, there's nothing you can do?

If you'd given him a mint back,

you wouldn't even be here. Haha.

With my ideas for Hell,

I'm worth a lot more to you alive than dead.

Well, you're... You got a point.

Hmm, options, possibilities.

You know, I could give another mortal

to the Demons Union, spare your life.

That's great! What can I do to repay you?

Why don't you help me to make this sacrifice

a huge event?!

A spectacle so big...

that it might even impress a certain angel.

Deal!

Deal.

That's it? Thank you, Devil!

Actually,

I'm going to need you to sign and initial this

and this.

It's a non-disclosure agreement.

Oh, and anyone working here

under my employ needs to pass a urine test.

We just did drugs together,

like, an hour ago.

I know, I just kinda wanted your piss.

Oh.

Down here!

No way! That's so rad.

Hey, is that a pogo stick?

It sure is, Bromeo. Hundred and fifty jumps yesterday.

Give it up, no breaks. What-what?

Yeah-yeah!

Wait, I thought you said pogo sticks

were for pussies.

You said what about a pogo stick? Urn...

You said that a pogo stick was a dick

and only a pussy would need

to jump up and down on it

over and over.

No, I didn't say pogo sticks,

I said hobo dicks.

Why is this woman lying?

He's a fat little lesbian that lies.

I like pogo sticks.

I would never disrespect

a pogo stick.

This is what you've been doing

for the last 2,000 years?

You've been down here playing with toys?

Check that as a "yes-II

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, thank you, Charon, we're fine.

That guy thinks his boats are the shit.

Orpheus: The wood is rotting.

It's a boat only fit for illegal immigrants.

Orpheus: I wish he'd just row back to Cuba!

Remy Rems, check out my skills, yo.

Remy: Hell, yeah, man.

Wow! Pretty cool, huh? That's me.

She looks pretty hot.

Look how hot I am.

That's incredible, man. You painted that?

I painted it and posed for it at the same time.

How do you even physically do that?

You're amazing. Remy, I am just like you.

I put my underwear on one ball at a time.

When did you learn to paint?

The moment I was born, I came out of the womb

and I quickly turned around

and I painted my mother's vagina.

You guys like the lyre?

Is that like a guitar?

I don't know.

Does the guitar increase the gravity

of a pair of women's panties?

Mmm-hmm.

I could make a tree bone me with this thing.

And the trees will bone you here,

so be careful.

Does this sound right to you?

Yeah, that sounds good. A tree will fuck me?

When I was a small boy,

I was walking through a forest

and a tree tried to overpower me.

Oh, really? What did you do?

He pushed me on the ground

and wrapped his leaves around my face and arms.

And then the next thing I knew,

a branch was penetrating my ass.

Oh, God!

Awww.

It was a pointy, pointy branch.

I mean, did he wear, like, a leaf condom or anything?

No, just bark.

When he was done,

he shed his acorns upon my back.

Oh, that's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Um, Orpheus, uh,

what were you wearing

when the tree violated you?

You think I asked for it?

Were you maybe dressed like a bush?

I was dressed like a human being!

All right, I'm sorry!

I'm gonna go start a shelter

for tree rape victims.

It's not a joke!

Uh, Mr. Orpheus, why have you stayed

here if you could leave at any time?

Especially with trees like my Uncle Carl.

Well, me and my road dawgs

used to come down here all the time,

rescuing virgins, and they'd say,

"Oh, wassup now, gangsta, let me

"thank you with my lady parts."

"Well, if I must."

"Oh, by the way, this baby's yours."

And then I'm just like,

"I'm outta here, missy!“

Responsibilities, that shit is zombiewalk, man.

I'm like black people, I'll take freedom.

Remy: Preacher, meet the choir.

Wow, Orpheus,

don't you ever get lonely down here?

You must have once wished

you had a family, right?

Guess what? No.

Fun times we're all having together.

You know what else would be fun?

Finding Curt.

It's the reason we came down here.

Oh, fine. Whatevs.

I can get you wherever you wanna go,

but first,

you must pass... the Trials of the Mortals.

Well, I hope you all are ready

for a physical challenge.

Who wants to see how good I am? Um...

Yes! Okay...

Moving, moving, breathing very hard.

Super-strong, super speed.

Watch me fucking leap so high!

Stuck it.

I can leap and fart at the same...

Fuck me!

Orpheus: It hurts so bad.

I'm weak.

You know what? You guys are good.

Everyone passed, A-pluses. Thank you.

Warriors, I've tested your mind and body.

Now, the hardest test of all.

You must resist that which tears

all mortal men apart, women.

In a minute, a super-hot sexy bitch is going

to come through that door and

try to seduce you into telling her the secret word.

She will stop at absolutely nothing,

to get it out of you.

You will want to fuck her silly, trust me.

No matter what she does,

no matter how long she fucks you,

do not give her the secret word.

I repeat, do not give it to her!

The secret word is "jasmine."

Whoo-hoo, boys!

Who wants to take their ball sacks

and put 'em in my mouth?

In unison: Jasmine! Jasmine! Jasmine! Jasmine!

You all failed to resist her charms.

I was watching from a remote monitor in the other room.

But you can all move on.

Back to my tiki bar!

Yes! All right!

The one that I built out of that tree

that sodomized me.

Didn't we pass? I don't understand.

I can't believe I've spent my entire life

looking for this loser.

I just need to find out one thing for sure

and then I can put this behind me.

Wait, what?

Garcon, these men need some victory juice

to pour down our head holes.

Let's make a toast!

To rescuing Curt! No.

To all the road dawgs who had the courage

to leave their pregnant wives!

Yeah, fuck them hos.

Orpheus, I bet you like all flavor bitches.

The fuck I do.

Chinese, Asian, Korean, Pan-Asian,

Pan-Korean. Goo-goo-gai pan.

That's a Cantonese dinner dish. Yeah.

You'd fuck a Cantonese dinner dish?

Um... yes.

Well, then, cool.

Pfft. But no fat bitches.

No!

Deema...

You're the coolest chick ever.

You're just like me.

If you didn't have a pussy,

I'd think you were my son.

And if you didn't have a pussy,

I'd think you were my dad.

Oh, busted!

Come on, Orpheus, get on the real real.

You never fucked a demon?

Well, okay, there was just this one.

What was it like?

So, we're in the bone zone,

I'm really finding my rhythm

and suddenly, she drops the,

"Oh, let's move into my cottage made of tentacles,"

and I was like, "Peace out.“

Man, I heard she really plumped up.

Twinkies just jumped into her mouth.

What was her name?

Mmm, I barely remember.

I believe it was, uh...

hmmmm

Durmessa.

Oh, shit! My face!

You deadbeat dad.

All this time, I thought you were

being held captive against your will.

I convinced myself that is why you never came home.

Wait, Deema, let's talk.

You're still gonna take us to Curt, right?

I don't know where he is!

Orpheus was supposed to have all the answers.

You lied?

Of course I lied. That's what demons do.

What a purple bitch!

How dare you say that to her!

Someday, she will be my purple wife!

I told you she was a liar.

Oh, yeah, that's right

because you're smarter than everybody.

I'm Remy, look at my weird haircut.

I wear a corduroy peacoat and listen

to dubstep music.

Well, I'm tired of it!

Women usually do that to me

after I make love to them.

Augie!

Fuck him, Remy.

Let's watch my sweet-ass flat screen.

I have the entire "Big Momma's House" trilogy.

Deema!

Uh?

You're pathetic, you know that? Yeah.

Where are you even going? Nowhere.

I was just looking for you.

I still think we can make a great team-a.

I don't know why you still believe in me.

I come from a lying demon and a selfish mortal.

Doesn't change who you are.

My dad's a big jerk and my mom lied to him

about being a woman.

Okay, um, I don't know what to do with that,

Augie, but thanks for giving me another chance.

Get in.

Whoa. Ahh.

Twitter alert from the Demon Union.

What does it say?

It's a reminder to tune in and watch

the mortal sacrifice tonight at the Crossroads.

That's where they're gonna sacrifice Curt!

Do you know how to get there?

Yeah, it's really close to here.

Big Momma, you fooled them again.

Would you fuck Big Momma?

Yes. Would you?

Bro-dawg, I've fucked every woman

I've ever met.

Except for that smokin' angel Barb.

She's the one that got away.

What happened?

She just wanted to be stupid friends.

Ugh, I don't need friends anymore.

Ya know what I mean? I need bros.

Yeah.

You know what I's saying, man.

Wake up, see my bros in the bunk bed above me.

Play video games, then we order some Za.

We eat it with all of our bros together,

high-fiving after eating each bite.

Then we all take a shit together.

You have a bathroom with 5 toilets,

everyone making eye contact while reading Maxim-

And the next day, we do the same thing.

It's the way of the bro, like you said.

Well, your way of the bro is

a little different than mine,

but I hear you.

Announcer: Coming up tonight,

from the Quick-Jet Printer Replacement Cartridge Stadium,

Shirtz and Skinz perform their latest single.

Later, mortal Curt Meyers will be sacrficed live!

Shit! Curt!

Wassup?

We gotta go.

Go wear, bra?

Orpheus, we gotta save Curt. Huh?

Come on, that's what you do!

You rescue mortals from Hell.

I ain't that guy anymore That's a young man's game.

What do you say? One last mission?

Sorry.

Well, then I gotta go on my own.

Why? He's not your friend, man.

I'm your friend, you just said it.

You wanted to bro out

and stare at each other on toilets.

I'm sorry, brother.

I guess I'm gonna go set 5 mirrors up

in my bathroom and stare at myself

as I make the forbidden mud.

To the Crossroads!

Pretend you're rowing to Florida!

Of course his boat has a hole in it.

What a loser.

Augie!

Hey, Augie!

Hey, Deema, what's goin' on?

Augie, Curt's gonna be sacrificed.

We have to save him.

We're handling it. Thank you for your interest.

Um...

'MW don't you guys get 'm my boat'?

Look, man, I know I was a dick.

Just get in.

Fine, you want me to say it?

I suppose you earned it.

I..-

I love you, man.

I never realized how great my friends are

until I had that stupid thought that I didn't...

blah, blah, blah, middle part,

I haven't made it easy on you,

took you for granted, big close,

I'll never make this mistake again.

Unh-uhn.

I really need you, dude.

I can't do this on my own.

You... you need me?

Yep.

To the Crossroads!

You're on in one minute.

Damn, I hate public speaking.

Anyone got a Xanax?

Hey, Hell is ours. We own this place.

Am I right? Right, right.

I'm the Devil.

Get out there on that stage

and start struttin' that shit!

Yeah!

Hail Satan!

Asmodeus: I give you the Devil!

Oh, and, uh, Curt,

we couldn't find any other mortals,

so we have to sacrifice you. Sorry.

Whoa, that's bullshit! Hold on, wait, wait, wait!

Hurts me more than it...

'kay, thanks, bye.

I'm fucked!

Woo-woo-woo-woo USA! USA!

USA! USA!

Devil! Come on! The Devil!

Switch it up! Devil! Oh, come on!

Devil! U..S...

We are about to meet our sacrifice!

He's not just your average oath-breaker.

He's a friendship- forsaker.

You can't do this to me!

Haha! Why not?

Because, we made a deal, remember?

Let me read it.

Uh-huh, boiler plate, latin, mm-hmm,

legalese...

Read it out loud!

"Iwill not sacrifice Curt if he helps me

"put on a real special show to impress Barb the Angel."

Aha!

Bullshit! What the hell?

You're right. It's all right here.

Oh, that is beautiful!

Curt? Yeah?

When is a contract not a contract?

When it's eaten!

Aw, Devil, you are a piece of shit.

I guess your contract

is now null and void.

You all right there, Devil? Sound a little gassy.

Almost feels like I ate a bad burrito or something.

Not good.

Look at him. Demons, continue with the sacrifice.

Stomach, let me introduce you to toilet.

You two should get along great.

Hey! OW!

Curt: Get off me, man!

Guys! Come on! Shit!

Those demons want blood.

I know how this song ends.

No! They're gonna kill him.

How do we get past those guards?

I got this one.

There's nothing hornier than a demon in Hell.

Oooh!

Ah-ah!

♪ You be a woman to me

♪ Because I like what I see

Oh!

♪ The way you're crossing your knees

♪ you make me say "pretty please"

♪ Make me feel like a man

♪ I take as much as I can

♪ Be a woman

♪ Be a woman, be a woman

♪Be a woman ♪

Curt: Help! Curt!

Hey, help me!

Curt!

Wait, what? Guys!

How the fuck did you get down here?

We came down to save you.

Yo, whaddup?

There's my sweet baby boy.

Hey! Oh, mama missed you.

Easy, Augie.

Who's she?

The Devil's coming back!

The Devil's gonna sacrifice me!

You gotta get me outta here! All right, let's go.

Nobody mention anything about his diarrhea.

What the fuck are you doing?

In unison: Um...

both: Lake of Fire!

Augie: No, no, no, no!

Help me!

Remy! Remy!

Yeah, I'm back!

Keep the fan on in there.

Well, well, what do we have here?

Um, can we get that bridge back?

TV announcer: If you answer "yes" to any

of these questions,

you may have an enlarged prostate.

Do you have difficult urinating?

Yes.

Weak stream?

Yes.

Dribbling?

Yes.

Painful urination?

Yes.

Pussy, yellow discharge?

Yes.

If you answered "yes" to all of these questions,

go immediately to the hospital.

No.

Okay, in addition to one mortal,

we are also going to sacrifice

the daughter of Orpheus! Zing!

My daughter!

Chew on that, Orphy!

Tough beans!

Oh, shit. I've got to save her!

Oh, fuck me.

Uh, and I'm off.

Where the hell is my phone?

Extra order of dipping sauce... Gimme that!

And I would like... Ahhh!

Demon: Ah! But I gave them my credit card!

Ugh.

I told you to stop calling me. Devil: I know, I know,

but I thought you'd like to know

that I found the two mortals

you were looking for.

No way.

You're just saying this to get me

to come down there.

Devil: Oh, no, I promise it's true.

How do I know? Prove it.

You know what? I'll take a picture

with my phone and send it to you.

Ah, there and... sending.

What?

It's a dick pic.

Sorry, wrong picture.

Sending...

Oh, my, Devil it is the mortals.

I said I would find them for you

and I did.

I'll be right there.

Get ready for some sweet Devil lovin'.

Hello?

Shirtz and Skinz, you're next.

Last rehearsal.

♪ Doo wop doot doot doot doo wop

♪ doot doot doot

♪ She's my angel angel

♪ She's my angel angel

♪ She's my angel

♪ Angel angel

Yeah!

I'm a big fan!

Ah, that's great, man. Super cool.

Yes!

Want me to sign something for ya?

Will you autograph

my fist with your face?

Ah, sure, man. Hi-yah!

Oh, God.

Oh, shit, God, fuck me.

I came by to inform you

that the concert has been rescheduled.

The good news is you're all still

getting paid and laid. Cool.

Yes.

Oh, fellas, please leave your costumes.

Orpheus: And there is an assortment of groupies

waiting outside to suck your dicks.

Band member: Fuck yeah, dawg!

My dick's gonna be a straw.

Word.

Okay, demons and damned,

before we sacrifice any mortals,

I'd like to introduce you to my favorite boy band,

Shirtz and Skinz!

With a "z."

That's the way to do it!

What?! That's just Shirtz.

Where the fuck is Skinz?

Look, I'm sorry,

the rest of the band is stuck in traffic.

So, I'm gonna rock 3 times as hard.

Whoo!

♪ As a young boy I found solace

♪ in the forest wild and free

♪ 'til that fateful day youth was ripped away

♪ 'neath the boughs of an old oak tree

♪ He wrapped his leaves 'round my fragile frame

♪ and thrust me to the grass

♪ How my face did blanch as his mighty branch did

♪ penetrate my ass

♪ Now when a tree comes in the forest,

♪ tell me, do you think it makes a sound?

♪ No, you'll only hear the wail of a broken tot

♪ lying butt-up on the ground

♪ My life and ass both splintered

♪ and my sphincter torn and loose

♪ So, I mourn for my lost innocence

♪ and for all that's pure and good

♪ And I mourn the day

♪ I learned the painful meaning of

♪ mourning wood

♪ Mourning wood

♪ mouring wood ♪

Haha!

What is this shit?

Surprise, surprise!

It is I!

Orpheus?!

You thought I was someone else,

but I'm not someone else.

I'm Orpheus,

the guy that you didn't think I was

but I am now.

Yeah, I get it. It's called a disguise.

You put it on, I thought you were someone else.

No more explaining.

I can't believe you made it.

Yeah, you said you were retiring

from saving mortals. I did.

But I never said anything about retiring

from saving half-mortals.

Really? You came back here for me?

Yes. Look, I know I wasn't the best father

and I wasn't around for you.

And I really regret that.

Oh, Dad, that's so sweet of you to say.

Mmm, yes.

Sweet lips.

Oh, oh, this isn't that.

Oh, I may have slightly misread that situation.

Yeah. Uh...

we haven't done a DNA test,

so there's still a possibility

that this isn't totally disgusting.

No.

No matter. I love you, daughter.

Okay, let's get out of Hell!

Everybody on!

What?! Oh!

Gimme that! Ahh!

Haha! I win!

It's time for... bam... The sacrifice!

Crucify 'em!

All: Whoa.

Barb, the one that got away.

Oh, yeah! Slutty angel!

♪Easy come, easy go

She's on the wrong side of 40.

Ma-ma.

♪ We will bring the light

Wish I was that pole.

♪ We will set the night on fire

♪ Come on, burn it up

Look, look, here's your mortals!

Orpheus, that song about getting raped by trees,

it... it was so beautiful and personal.

Uh...

You're such a sensitive artist.

Barb, I'm a sensitive artist, too!

What the hell?

Look at the painting I did of you.

It's a black light painting.

Of me on a dune buggy.

Aw, jeez Louise.

Demons chanting: Sacrifice!

Orpheus isn't going down easy.

Here she is.

We need more ammunition.

You're not gonna kill him, are ya?

Start folding t-shirts.

You're scaring...

Okay.

Darling, I've traveled many, many miles

to find you. You have?

Yes.

I've tried to fight off my feelings,

but the head can't tell the heart where to go.

What do you say

you, me, and my penis get hitched

and fly off into the sunset?

Awww.

The only thing that matters is,

Barb, do you want to spend

the rest of our life together?

♪ They all said that

♪ our love stood not a chance

♪ That our hearts could never

♪ keep it in their pants

♪ But when my penis saw your sweet vagina

♪ standing 'cross the room

What is this, "Jersey Boys"?

♪ My scrotum did a backflip

♪ and my lonely balls did swoon

I hate musicals.

"Mamma Mia" wasn't bad.

♪ Now it's clear

♪ that this love was meant to be

♪ My vagina

♪ My penis

♪ You and me

Stop singing!

Oh, shit!

Oh, no!

The demons want blood!

We gotta get outta here now!

Hurry up! Grab a fistful of white!

Hold on!

Load me up!

Wait for me!

Augie! Barb, you gotta go back!

Grab on, tubby!

You don't have to call me that.

Reach with your sausage fingers!

Come on, honey! Pretend we're made out of cookie dough!

I sot it, go!

Devil: Die, Orpheus.

Look out!

Oh, shit! Barb!

Orpheus: Fucking t-shirts.

No!

We're gaining speed.

We gotta wake her up!

Ah! She's out cold!

Barb, wake up!

Curt: Do something, Remy!

Slap her harder. Try the back of your hand.

Oh, no!

Ugh, fuck me.

What's that sound?

It's a sex offender alert.

Cool app. Shhh! Quiet!

Run!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Holy shit, these trees are alive, man!

Careful down here.

There are trees who think "no“ means “yes.“

Just don't stop running!

Wait, where's Barb?!

Help!

Help!

I have to go back for Barb!

Dad, no!

We'll catch up to you!

There! Head for the cave!

I'm coming, Barb! Hold on!

Were you trying to hit her, boss?

I mean, you shot her right between the eyes.

She's probably fine. She's an angel.

It was a good shot, if you meant to hit her.

Knock it off! Focus.

Oof... what's that smell?

Asmodeus: True heroes to have laid such a costly sacrifice

upon the altar of freedom.

Yeah...

But, that's what you get for chasing pussy.

Barb: Ow!

♪ Stitching up your wing!

♪ This is the stitching up your wing song

Barb, look out! Don't you touch her!

What? No, I'm helping her.

Oh, really?

Orpheus?

Tree?

You look familiar.

Tree: Orpheus? Orpheus?

Yeah, it's me, you diddler.

I always hoped I'd run into you someday.

I bet you did.

No, no, it's not like that.

I wanted to apologize

for what I did to you.

"I'm sorry" is just not going to cut it.

Did you ever get my gift basket?

No.

You're kidding. I tracked the package.

Mmm-hmm.

I understand your anger,

but I've done a lot of work

in therapy to get better.

Is there anything I can do

to make it right?

When I find Orpheus

I'm gonna mount his balls

on a stick.

There is one thing...

Devil: Hey, Tree!

Have you see an angel?

I did, yes.

Well, where is she?

Um...

She went...

that way.

Oh, okay.

Well, good to see you.

Keep growing.

Yeah, keep growing, tree.

What do you want me to do to him?

Shed your acorns across his back.

My psychologist is going to kill me,

but I'll do it.

Let us escape to a secret place

where I can motorboat those wings.

You're so dirty.

Hey, does anybody want to stop

for Red Bull and crystal meth smoothies?

Oh, shit! Hold on,

like you didn't do last time!

Quit squirming.

Grab on! Pull!

No!

Look, boss, over there!

Huh?

There's movement. Let's go!

Wha... what are you gonna do to me?

What do they want from me?!

No! No! No! No!

I've got a pig in a blanket.

Uh... that tree is putting on lipstick.

Ah! Curt! Deema! Remy!

Are you fucking serious?

I hope that's for marshallows.

No, no, no, no!

Hold on!

Agh!

Unh!

Yeah!

Curt: Bullseye!

What the fuck?!

Grrr! This is my house.

You gonna screw with me?

Ahhh!

You had a mint the whole time?

What?

A mint!

I didn't know it was there.

It must've been stuck

in the lining of my shirt. I swear!

Who gives a shit about a stupid mint?!

A mint?

Huh?

Don't let him eat that mint!

Oh, shit!

That's it, Remy! Eat that mint!

It's too late. I don't want your mint now.

No, no, it's not about that.

It'll reverse the curse.

It'll get us out.

Quick, man, hurry up!

Get me that mint!

C'mon!

Put the whole thing in your mouth.

Can't reach!

Eat it!

Get your lips around that mint!

I've tried my whole life!

Gulp it down!

Take all of it down your throat!

Make this sound when you do it.

It helps!

Tickle your balls!

Demon, quick!

Remy, eat it! Eat it!

Hurry up!

Remy! Yeah! You did it, man!

Yeah! I can touch my dick with my tongue!

Hey. Remy, look!

Huh?

Holy shit!

What?

Ah! That portal's kinda scaring me, boss!

Yeah, I'm thinking I just go back up top

and call it a day.

No, no!

Wh-wha-whoa!

Curt: Augie, hold on!

Take my hand!

Don't let go!

Whoa!

No! No!

Curt: Remy! Deema: Hold on!

Wait, tell me where Barb is!

Oh-ah!

No, no, no!

Later, Devil!

Ahhh!

Wait, wait, no!

Gah!

Tree: Hello, Devil.

Huh?

Care for some wine?

Uh, no thanks, I'm okay.

It's an earthy bordeaux

and it pairs wonderfully with

I'm-going-to-rape-you.

Look, over there!

It appears the better man has won.

Don't worry, you'll still get

a chance to be with her.

I will?

I'm going to go to Walgreen's

and buy a shitty Devil mask

and fuck her silly while I wear it.

Oh, don't! Oh, come on!

Sorry, Devil.

I'm a pretty package

with an ugly gift inside.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Holy shit! We're back!

I love this place!

Oh, my God! We did it!

God, I miss the smell of cotton candy.

Augie, you have a syringe stuck

to your face.

Ah! This place hasn't changed a bit.

Definitely an opiate.

What?

Hahaha. Where have you guys been?

Cleb!

Man, am I glad to see you.

What's going on here?

Whose treasure is this?

This book is amazing!

The Devil is the new Jesus.

Who knew?

Devil tears sell better than Dippin' Dots.

Remy, your idea worked!

Yes! Oh, my God, yes!

We did it! Woo-hoo!

What are we gonna do with all this money?

♪Let's go

♪Let's go

♪ One foot in front of the other

♪ I don't really wanna be oblivious

♪Oblivious

♪ Where are all the clouds

♪ with the silver lining?

♪ Have they blown away?

♪ Oh, where are all the clouds

♪ with the silver lining?

♪ Have they blown away?

♪ La-la la la la la la la-la

♪ la la la la-la la

♪ la-la la

♪ la-la la la la

♪ Hey, now, my sisters and brothers,

♪ do you really wanna be oblivious?

♪Oblivious

♪ Where are all the clouds

♪ with the silver lining?

♪ Have they blown away?

♪ Oh, where are all the clouds

♪ with the silver lining?

♪ Have they blown away?

Let me just push this button

to get this escalator started again.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, that's right,

there's no button!

Start walking.

So, just walk up to the top?

Yeah.

No motor going to help you out here.

You're just going to walk up that escalator.

Is it something, like, it's,

a million miles long,

the escalator or...

A million miles long?

That's pretty good.

That would be unpleasant.

Yeah, that'd be real unpleasant.

I only made it one story tall.

Um, but you're gonna walk it.

Yeah! You're walking that whole story.

Understood.

All 27 steps.

All right, here I go.

How do you like that, huh?

Not the best, not the best.

I would have preferred if the escalator

had been functioning.

Welcome to Hell.

♪ La-la la la la la la la-la

♪ la la la la-la la

♪ la-la la

Hello again.

Sit down.

All right, well, it's...

Um, just here

in the booster seat?

Yeah, like a baby.

You're being punished

in your booster seat.

It's uncomfortable, I guess, a little.

Just sit there like you're a crying baby.

Did you need me to cry?

Um, there's the end-of-the-year evaluations...

Gotcha, okay.

Oh, booster seat!

Why?! I'm a man!

That's good. Throw in a juice box.

Say something about a juice box.

Oh, I wish I had a juice box!

You're not getting a juice box!

Oh, please, just the one.

Welcome to Hell.

♪ A pride of liars on a hill

♪ looking down to prey upon the weak

♪ Blind and tired, Achille's heels exposed +

♪ you know it won't be long

♪ Unless we all get up

♪ before the dogs catch wind of us

♪ Let's rise to the top

♪ before the cause gets put on the hush

♪ Get some

♪ Get some, get some

♪ get some, get some

♪ get some, get some

♪ Oh oh oh Oh oh

♪ Oh oh oh Oh oh

♪ Oh oh oh Oh oh

♪ Here they come, here they come

♪ Oh-00-whoa

♪ Oh-00-whoa

♪ Oh-00-whoa

♪ Get some get some

♪ Unless we all get up

♪ before the dogs catch wind of us

♪ Let's rise to the top

♪ before the cause gets put on the hush

♪ Get some, get some

♪ get some, get some

♪ get some, get some

♪ get some, get some

♪ Oh-00-whoa

♪ Oh-00-whoa

♪ Oh-00-whoa

♪ Oh-00-whoa

♪ Oh-00-whoa

♪ Oh-oo-whoa ♪