Original subtitles

Eat me.

[Reading titles]

What the hell is this?

"The unsinkable schecky...

Moskowitz."

The unsinkable schecky moskowitz?

Huh.

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one up here

* one dung there

* one in Hanover

* one dung a vere

* one she's a lawyer

* one she's a doctor

* one wha' de work with a little contractor *

* one dung a east

* one dung a west

* I'm 'ave one up north *

* and 2 dung South

* one a-sell a cigarette

* 'pon de run-about cart, 'ey *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one a go a school *

* one gwan fool-fool

* I'm 'ave one ev'ry time *

* me say she think a she rule *

* one she a nurse

* she say a she come first *

* the ada night dem goin' out *

* dem pick a new purse

* one a sell star

* one work in a bar

* a she cas' smile

* when da 2 a dem mus' part *

* one getti getti

* one fretti fretti

* and I'm nah drink no other milk *

* but Betty

* you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one up here, one dung here *

* one in Hanover, one dung a vere *

* one she's a lawyer, one she's a doctor *

* one wha' de work with a little contractor *

* one dung a east, one dung a west *

* one up north and one dung South *

* one a go a school, and one fool-fool *

* you too girlie girlie

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

schecky moskowitz.

Schecky's very ugly.

When I speak to him, I want to vomit.

I was in the elevator with him the other day,

and there was a... a foul smell.

He has great concepts about life...

But I wouldn't want him to touch me.

Hey, there. I'm schecky moskowitz.

Thank you.

See you later there, Mr. cab driver.

Hey, how are ya?

Well, what you're about to see

is a fictitious, loosely thrown together story

about a sea cruise waiter... Me, right here...

Who dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian.

This story is based entirely around the fact

that we had access to this nice big boat here

and a lot of good-looking women...

I mean, really good-looking women...

Beauty pageant girls. Beautiful.

Hi. Hola.

Hi. Hi.

Hello. Hello.

G'day.

Unbelievable.

Beautiful. Very clean women.

[Humming]

Oh. Oh, yeah. I wanted to tell you

um, this is a no, um, budget flick,

not a low-budget flick. No budget.

Um, just like...

This would be an earthquake right here.

[Rumbling]

See, that didn't cost us anything right there.

Now, enjoy the flick. I'll see you later.

Man: All ashore that's going ashore.

Oh. All right. Here we are on the deck

ready to rock 'n' roll. Start the picture.

I'm here in my waiter suit right now,

and... oh, shoot. I'll be right back.

[Horn blows]

Ah ha ha. Now that's better, right here.

Hey, waiter. Where's my bloody Mary?

Ah, yes.

And make it bloody.

Ah. Yes, sir.

Hey, asshole.

Bring me another one.

Ah. Yes, ma'am.

[Man laughing] I'll tell ya,

I just went out with a girl last week.

I was goin' crazy. We were doin' good.

She's goin' crazy. She's bitin' my nipples.

She's pullin' my chest hair, right?

Aw. Crazy, right?

Finally, I go, "hey. This has gotta stop."

I said, hey, mom."

[Women laugh]

Man: All right. All right. All right. All right.

Lemme tell you this one. All right?

Last Wednesday, right?

I'm over this guy's house, right?

We're playing chess. You know, a game of chess.

Finally, I says, "hey..."

"This shit's boring the shit outta me," right?

So, I took the chess piece,

and I shoved it in his eye.

I shoved it in his eye.

And I said, "there's fuckin' chess-eye for ya."

You know what I'm sayin'?

[Man laughs]

You know what I'm sayin', right?

You know what I'm sayin', right?

Check this out. I went swimming

on a boat the other morning, right?

And I go out swimming, and my dick shrivels up.

Jesus Christ! You kidding?

My public hair had my penis hostage!

You know what I'm sayin'? [Laughs]

You know what I'm sayin', right?

Schecky! Oh. Hi, Bob.

What are you doing?

I'm just listening to that guy over there.

Bob: The guy with the girls

drooling all over him?

Schecky: Yeah. Dickie diamond.

That's the ship comedian.

Oh. I guess that means

you didn't convince the captain

to hire you as ship comedian.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's what

"get outta my office you no talent loser" meant.

No. I didn't get the job.

Tough break.

Well, I'm funnier than that guy, don't you think?

I don't know. I haven't heard him. Wait.

I got this chick, right? She's... Got a scissor...

Like a fuckin' wrestler or something, right...

She's got a scissor hold on my neck, right?

I'm chokin', I'm fuckin' dying.

Finally, I said, "hey, grandma,"

take your fuckin' varicose sticks

off my neck, will ya?

[Laughs]

Oh. That guy's pretty funny, scheck.

Oh, man. The guy's talking about incest.

That's not funny. The guy needs help.

I could get laughs with that.

The guy probably farts onstage, too.

Hey. Pull my finger. Pull my finger.

Pfft. [Laughs]

[Farting sounds and laughing]

All my life, I just wanted to get onstage

and make people laugh,

but nobody gives me a chance around here.

I'm funny. I mean, I just want them

to hear what I gotta say.

I got certain things I wanna talk about.

Maybe they'd be interested in hearing, you know?

Man: Waiter guy! My wife's throwin' up!

Quick. Get me a towel!

Sorry. I'm on break.

Hey! Hey! How are ya? I didn't see ya there.

Um, well, let's see. What happened? Where were we?

After I finished cleaning up that lady's vomit,

um, I worked a few more hours

and then I took a little break,

and during that break I wrote a few new jokes,

and I think they're pretty good.

I'm very happy with myself right now.

See, what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna ask

the big comedian, Dickie diamond,

if I can open up for him...

[knocking on door]

Whoa. What, you hear that?

I bet that's my best friend, Bob.

Hey, schecky.

Hey. Who you talkin' to?

I been talkin' to that camera right there.

Oh. So, you ready for work?

I am ready for work,

but I was wonderin' before we go,

you think I could just run a few things by you,

a few jokes... just, like, a little improvisation?

You give me your honest opinion, all right?

No problem. Whoo-hoo.

I'm all audience.

All right. Here we go, then.

All right. Hey.

How you guys doin' out there tonight?

Fine. Oh, ho, ho, ho.

What's your name, pal? Where you from?

Bob from California.

Bob from California? Whoa!

Bob from California. Bob.

[Laughs] Bob from California!

Whoo!

Bob: Yeah.

I can't think of anything funny.

Was that part of your act?

No. I... jeez. I stink at this. I'm not funny.

Not true. I think you're very funny.

I think you're funny naturally.

As soon as you get up onstage,

people are gonna laugh.

Are you ever gonna get on a stage?

Hopefully, because I'm gonna ask

Mr. Dickie diamond

if I can open up for him one of these nights.

Really? Yeah.

Oh. We better get outta here,

'cause Dickie diamond's doin' his afternoon set on the deck.

So, let's go and check that out.

Right. [Claps]

I'll tell you. Sometimes, it gets really, really hot,

you know, in L.A. nothing moves on your whole body.

The only thing that you can possibly move

is your middle finger. That's it.

[All laugh]

Fuck you! That's all you can do.

Hey, buddy. Right there. Right there.

I mean, I'm sorry. Sometimes, it gets so hot

you're just drivin' in your car,

and you're... you're in a human microwave now.

You're in your car,

you're flippin' off everybody, right?

You're just pissed off, flippin'.

If this was a knife, I'd poke you

right in the eye, buddy, you know?

I'm drivin', I'm... Finally, that's it.

I'm way too hot now, right?

I said, "I'm goin' to get something to drink."

I go. I get a 6-pack.

I'm drinkin'. I'm drivin', right?

Cop pulls me over. He says, "are you drinkin'?"

Of course, I'm fuckin' drinkin'.

What kind of question is that?

It's fuckin' hot. [Laughs]

Hey. What's your name?

Bunny Miller.

Bunny Miller. Is that a Jewish name?

Boy. A nice Jewish name like that.

So, where'd your mother pop you out?

What?

[Laughs]

Where'd you burst your bag, bunny? Come on.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry. Bunny, come on,

it's not a fucking genius question here.

[Laughs]

[Buzzer sound] You lose, bun. Guess what? You lose.

You know what happens to losers?

You get your bathing suit ripped off

and shoved up your ass. [Laughs]

Hey, hey, hey. Why don't you just...

Leave the girl alone

and stick to your comedy?

Oh-oh. Mr. heckler. Mr. big man from hell.

The hell heckler is here, folks.

Oh, my God. Look. He's so big.

All I'm sayin'

is why don't you just lay off the girl?

Lay the girl? That's a sick thing, man.

That's a sick thing. Right in front

of all these people to lay the girl?

That's really a sick thing.

[Laughs] Ok, fine.

I'm just gonna have to shoot you.

[Laughs]

Oh. Oh.

[Applause]

[Humming]

I tell you. There's nothing heavier

than a dead comedian.

[All laugh]

Schecky: Thank you.

Um, I was talking to my father

the other day on the phone,

and he said to me, "schecky"...

Um, he calls me "schecky" 'cause that's my name,

and I don't answer to "Bob" much. Baa.

He said, "uh, schecky",

"I want you to marry a girl

with the same belief as the family,"

and I was kinda, like,

"uh, dad, why should I marry a girl

who thinks I'm a shmuck?"

Huh? Hey. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

All right. Well, my name is, uh, schecky,

and my father's name is schecky, also.

Having a name as your father,

the same name, that's... That's very weird, you know?

It was all right till my voice changed.

My friends would call up and say,

"hi. Is schecky there?"

My father would say, "this is schecky."

My friends would say, "hey, schecky.

You were so wasted last night."

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

All right. Now, look.

Look, look, look, look.

On your last tour,

we sold at least a million

croaker t-shirts... A million of 'em.

So we did 100,000

on the croaker spiked arm bracelets,

but I still think it would be

in your best interest to approve...

Approve the... the... The action doll

for your younger audience,

for the 9-year-olds, the 10-year-olds

and... and such forth.

Yeah, but I don't want

to be no fuckin' Barbie doll, mort.

That can't be good for my image, man.

No. Croakie, come on. Listen to me, man.

Listen to me, baby. You listening?

I'm listenin'.

Ok, 'cause it doesn't look like

you're listening to me.

What do I gotta do?

Shove my fuckin' ear against your mouth?

All right, croakie. Just listen to me.

We need the doll.

Last April, you trashed 4 porsches

and one harley Davidson.

The hotel that you burned down is suing us.

They're suing us. We need the doll.

We need it.

Why not a poster?

Why not a lunchbox or somethin'?

Why does it have to be a Barbie?

It's not a Barbie doll...

It's a fucking action figure, croaker!

An action figure!

It's like a... Like a Rambo doll

or like one of those, um...

Those... those transformer things

you're so nuts about.

It's... it's an action figure.

It's macho. It's macho, croakie, macho.

Croaker, I talked to Saul.

Saul says we can make 40 million off of it.

40 million?

40 million.

4-d million?

40 million.

Action figure, huh?

Yeah.

That's cool, man. That's cool...

But make sure it ain't smilin'.

Yes! All right now, waiter!

Ah. You see, these guys

have nothin' to do with this flick,

but we threw 'em in

just for a little variety...

Whatever that means, huh?

May I help you guys?

Yeah. Drinks all around, man.

Bambi, what can I get for you to drink?

Um, actually, I have an aerobics class,

so, um, I'm gonna take a rain man on that.

Oh, God! I mean, a rain check.

No problem, babe.

Man, oh, man.

I never get sick of that, man.

Can I, uh, get you a drink?

Yeah. Get me one of them, uh, tropical drinks

with, like, uh, levels to them

and an umbrella and fruit.

Oh. Well, um, they come in 2 flavors.

You can have 'em green or black.

Black.

And can I get you one?

Huh?

A drink?

Yeah... yeah. What... whatever.

Say, you know, I used to work

uh, as a waiter once...

Back before I was a multi-billionaire.

Mort: Millionaire, croaker.

Millionaire, baby.

Millionaire.

It was at one of these rib restaurants, man,

and, uh, I... it was, like, I'd have to touch

all these people's chewed up food,

and it would get stuck underneath my fingernails, man,

and it would just sit there for days

and it would stink.

I hated that job, man.

Both: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Can we please have your autograph?

Please?

All right! Yo! Chicks, man.

Mmm. I'll sign autographs for you bitches, man.

Just say, "to Pammy and Liz",

you were great last night. Love, croaker."

All right!

Hey, mort. Mort. How do you spell...

How do you spell "great," man?

G-r-e-a-t.

All right.

Thank you.

You, uh... you in a band or somethin'?

Yeah, man. I'm the lead singer for yellow teeth.

We had the number one song last week,

I wanna slap your cat.

* I wanna slap your cat *

* that's where it's at

I'll go get you that drink, all right?

All right. Ok.

Whoa. That guy's punked in the head right there.

I... i just don't understand it.

Why do sleazy guys like that get chicks?

Just 'cause they get millions and millions

of dollars? It makes me sick.

If I had a million dollars...

Actually, I would take a hundred and bury it

and hopefully, somebody poor would find it.

If I had a million dollars...

I would buy another fur coat.

Spend it on clothes.

Put it in the bank and think about it.

I'd put it in the bank.

If I had a million dollars,

the first thing I'd buy would be a Mercedes.

I would buy out clearasil

so I could pop everybody's pimples

because they wouldn't be able to get rid of them.

Mmm. Pus.

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round the worldie *

* I'm 'ave one up here, one dung there *

* one in Hanover, one dung a vere *

* one's your lawyer, one's your doctor *

* one wha' dey work with a little contractor *

* one dung a east, one dung a west *

* one up north and 2 dung a-South *

* one a go a school and one fool-fool *

* you're too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round the worldie *

* a big fat one who's a go-go dancer *

* a little slim one who's a radio announcer *

* one itey-titey one fightie-fightie *

* and before I'm grow old, I'm want one in north pole *

* one ina London, one ina Japan *

* one ina Scotland, one ina Finland *

* one ina Taiwan, one ina Iowa *

* an' one ina Greenland one ina Iceland *

* one ina Canada, one Uganda *

hey, there. Hi.

Um, well, I got off work a little early tonight,

so, I figured I'd hang out at the bar

with my good friend Bob, here.

Um, what these guys are doin' here,

I really have no idea,

but I... i really can't know everything, now, can I?

I just finished up

tellin' Bob this joke about a farmer.

Let's see how he reacts to it, all right?

I don't get it, schecky.

I... the farmer wears the condom for 8 years.

Explain it to me.

[Clears throat] I don't know,

and I can't explain it to you.

I guess I must have

told the joke wrong or something.

Ah.

Ha ha. I got it, man.

I thought that joke was really funny.

Really?

Yeah. [Laughs]

Hey. Did I ever tell you

that I used to be a waiter once?

You were?

Yeah. It was at this restaurant, man...

And I hated that job, man,

because I had to touch all these people's

chewed up food.

Do you know what I would do?

What?

I would go into the bathroom

during my shift,

and I'd do a number 2...

Yeah?

And I wouldn't wash my hands, man.

[Laughs]

I think that's illegal, man.

[Laughs]

Hi, croaker.

Hey, babe.

Hey. Who's the other babe?

This is my friend, bluebell

I brought along for your friend, mort,

like you told me to.

All right.

Jesus Christ, croakie.

What are you... you... You paying chicks

to be with me again?

Is that what you're doin'?

You think I don't know

that you pay 'em to sleep with me?

I'm not payin' anybody, man.

She wants you. Check it out.

Ok. This is the guy I have to sleep with...

To get to croaker?

Unh.

Ok. Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Well, this is great.

This is great.

Rock on, man. Rock 'n' roll.

[Laughs]

Hey, hey. Hey, is somethin' wrong?

Ah. No.

Ah. Come on.

Ah. Well, yeah.

Well, somethin' a little, I guess.

Um...

Women don't like me, and I'm not funny.

That's not true. You're very funny.

Well, yeah, maybe. I'm... I'm definitely

still gonna ask Dickie diamond

if I can open up for him.

Bob?

Yeah?

Am I at all good-looking?

Yeah. Yeah. You look fine.

Well, seriously, I mean,

who do you think is better looking,

me or you?

[Laughs]

Well, that's easy. I mean, me.

[Sighs]

I've been watching you, waiter boy.

Your name is Bob, isn't it?

Yes, it is. It's Bob.

I think we should go look at the moon together,

don't you?

Yes, I do.

I think that's a very, very, very good idea.

See ya later, schecky.

Uh, hi.

What the hell do you mean by that?

I just mean "hi".

I can't believe it.

Can't a girl come into a bar

and have some peace?

Oh. All I said was "hi".

[Sighs]

Yeah? Well, fuck you.

Hey, beertender. Gimme a brew, will ya?

[Farts]

Hey. You're... you're Dickie diamond.

You're the ship comedian.

Yeah. That's me. Dickie diamond.

Hey, man. I know who you are.

You're that psycho waiter

that keeps watching me from the audience.

Oh, yeah. I am a waiter here,

but, um, actually, um,

I'm a stand-up comedian, too.

I do stand-up. Yeah.

I'm just being a waiter here until I...

I'm not gettin' stage time quite yet.

That's great, kid.

What the hell are you tellin' me for?

Well, I was just wonderin'...

Maybe, um, I could open up for you

just one night here.

[Laughs]

Open up for Dickie diamond, huh?

[Laughs]

Kid, what do you think this is?

The fucking tonight show? It's a boat.

Yeah. I know. I know that.

I was just wondering...

Well, all I'm saying is maybe I could...

Let me... let me just, uh, tell you

a few of my jokes.

I'll tell you a few of my jokes.

Maybe... i don't know... listen.

Um, all right.

There's this fat old lady,

and she walks into this bar,

and she's coughing. [Coughs]

She's really coughing loud,

and she doesn't...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, kid. You know,

you're probably a really, really funny guy, you know?

I can tell just by the way you're telling it

you probably are. But you know what?

I just came down here to wait for my girlfriend,

to have a beer, relax a little bit,

not sit at the bar and hear some dumb ass comic

tell me some stupid, fucking jokes, all right?

Oh, man. I wasn't trying to...

Uh, I know that...

I just was wondering if I could...

All I'm asking for is maybe I could go up

one night, you know? You're... you're...

Just go up and open up for you.

It's not a big deal.

Listen, kid, I... i don't care.

I don't care what you're saying. You get that?

I don't care. I don't give a flying fuck

what you're saying. All right? Great.

Yeah. Yeah. I know what you're sayin'.

I... I'm sorry if I'm buggin' you,

but all I wanted to do...

I mean, I work on the ship, too.

I was wondering if you could just let me

go up for a few minutes.

Kid, I don't care.

I'm not tryin' to ask anything

that big of a deal.

All I want to do

is just maybe open up for you.

I mean, I'm not...

I don't care!

Hey.

Hi, Dickie.

Where were you, baby?

In the bathroom, thinking of you.

Oh, that's cute. Come on.

Why don't you give Mr. giggles a little kiss?

Not in front of that pervert.

Did this guy say something to you?

Nah. He just tried to pick up on me big time.

Stand back.

Did you say something to my girlfriend?

No, man. I...

I think you did, man.

Oof!

There's your punch line, you stupid fuck.

Oh, man.

That guy is un-cool.

You know what they say...

Behind the mask of a clown

lies a trail of tears.

Wow. My jaw is killin' me.

Schecky...

Why don't you just go home

and go to bed?

Yeah. All right. I'll just go home

and go to bed alone. Again.

I can't go to sleep. I'm too depressed.

I wonder where I'll be in, like,

in, like, 10 years.

In 10 years from now,

I will be a TV broadcaster on a television station.

I will be married and have 2 children.

I hope to be firmly established

in my career,

possibly married and with 2 children.

Several children would be nice

and just a happy home life.

I'll probably be a bagel vendor

or something.

I know what will cheer me up!

Meditation!

I'll just go meditate until the sun rises.

Ohm. Ohm.

Ohm.

Ohm.

Aw, man! I can't get women.

I can't get laughs.

I'm not even a good waiter.

This sucks. I'm so depressed.

I think I'm going to just escape reality

right now and go to sleep.

[Snickering]

Schecky, or should I say, porky?

[Rim shot]

[Laughing]

Aw, scheck, you got an apple in your mouth.

Where's William tell when you need him?

Look at you.

You look just like your sister, a pig.

[Laughing]

You wearing a straightjacket? Oh!

In your case it might be a homojacket.

You're a loser, scheck

a loser. [Laughing]

You're a loser. [Laughs]

You're a loser, scheck. [Laughs]

Hey, scheck, here's my closing bit.

[Grunting and moaning]

Aah!

Oh, boy, that dream sucked.

I'm going to go to sleep again.

And this time, it's going to be better.

* ooh, ooh

* each day through my window *

* I watch her as she passes by *

* I say to myself

* you're such a lucky guy *

* to have a girl like her *

* is truly a dream come true *

* out of all the fellas in the world *

* she belongs to me

* but it was just my imagination *

* running away with me

* it was just my imagination *

* running away with me

* ohh, ohh

* soon we'll be married

* and raise a family... *

mommy!

What the hell are you doing, schecky?

Are you trying to kill me?

Who are these girls?

I knew you were suicidal.

I knew it.

You're going to die from this, schecky.

Your weeny's going to fall off

just like your father's.

Do you hear me, schecky?

It felt so great.

Her breasts were like baseballs.

They were hard and firm,

and they stuck out like torpedoes.

Schecky. Schecky. Schecky.

Schecky. Schecky!

Schecky! Schecky.

Oh, you should have seen her.

My God, it was unbelievable.

I mean, she was begging for me.

She loved me. Talk about luck.

I mean, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man,

oh, man, oh, man.

Did I ever tell you

you look just like my mother?

No.

You really do. Whoa! What time is it?

It's time for work.

Hey, I didn't know you slept in your uniform.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, she told me her name was debbi with an "I",

and she did a spread for hustl magazine.

Ooh, debbi with an "I"?

Uh, did she do, like,

a 7-page spread with a pig?

I saw that.

Wow.

Well, all right.

You see, there's this girl

I met, right?

And anything that girl tells me, I do.

For example, I asked her

on a scale of 1 to 10,

what am I?

And she said, "you're an 8,"

so I peed on her shoes.

Ur-in-ate.

I don't know.

Maybe you should avoid telling actual jokes

and just stick to improvising and talking with the audience.

I thought it was funny.

Yeah?

A lot funnier than that jerk they hired

as the ship's comedian.

You actually thought that joke was funny?

Let me put it this way.

He's funny. The other guy's a hack.

Yeah. I am funny.

He really is a hack,

isn't he? Yeah.

[Rocky theme plays]

I don't want any cheap shots.

I don't want any hitting below the waist.

I don't want any food or drink on the mat.

That's a new one. And may the best man win.

Let's go.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ok. All right. Let's go, brillo-head.

Look at you.

You got more teeth than a fucking saw.

[Boing]

Look at your mouth. What are doing,

stunt work for Mr. ed?

[Boing]

Hey, those are nice legs you got there.

I saw them the other night.

I was in a Japanese restaurant.

Yeah, I used them to pick up my Sushi.

Oh! Uhh! Ref, come on.

That was below the belt.

I didn't see anything.

Ahh! Ooh, you're a winner, baby.

You're always thinking, and I like that.

What, is that black hat on there to show respect

to your dead brain?

Oh, jeez, I like that, sasquatch.

Got enough hair on your back?

You want me to braid it for ya?

Oh, look it's speedo bandito there. I like that.

Huh, what are smuggling in a half a roll of certs?

Ha ha. Oh, by the way,

I do weddings, in case your parents

decide on getting married.

What's that around your neck?

Your mother's leash?

Man: You buffoon.

Ooh, hoo hoo hoo.

[Birds chirping]

[Crowd cheers]

Hey! Schecky! Snap out of it.

You looked like you were fantasizing

about killing Dickie diamond or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We better go serve these drinks, Bob.

Oh, right.

Miss Australia: Politics are, like,

really weird. I mean, they're, like,

I never think about them unless somebody says,

"what do you think about politics," you know?

But I think world leaders

are real important to the future of the world.

World peace would be nice,

but would be nicer, would be...

Everyone would get whatever they wish for.

In life.

We can all work as one,

then that's when world peace will come around.

Oh, Panama. Oh, general noriega.

I think he should be killed

for killing people who vote against him.

Well, I think he should see a dermatologist, you know?

I can tell by just looking at general noriega

that he has a really icky, rancid breath

that's so bad that when he's talking to you,

you have to hold your own breath

to keep from gagging.

See, I have this really strong sense of smell.

He has a... Probably, you know,

doesn't use any form of personal, you know,

hygienic protection, you know, deodorant.

I think he probably...

He has stinky armpits, as well. Um, probably...

You know, if you, like, put a pizza in...

If you don't eat a pizza and you put it in the fridge

for, like, you know, couple of days,

well, maybe like 10 days,

and you got it out and you left it out

for a couple of hours and then you went back

and wanted to take a bite?

And it's that smell that you get just before you,

like, put it in your mouth.

I think it's probably a bit like what he smells like.

I just wouldn't want to spend any real time

with the man.

In fact, I rather spend a whole day with Ted Bundy...

Huh! I smell?

Bad breath?

Eh? We see who gets the last laugh here,

you leftover, worthless kangaroo vomit.

Ohh!

See that woman?

Where?

No, idiot, on the TV there.

That woman there?

That woman on the TV there?

That woman on the TV. I want her killed.

Her name is miss Australia.

She said I smelled like pizza.

No! Like a pizza?

A pizza.

What kind of pizzas?

An old pizza.

[Sniffs]

Um, an old, uh, cheese pizza?

With, uh, anchovies?

[Gunshot]

And, um, uh, what kind of crust?

I want her killed. What does that matter?

Uh, round, uh pizza?

It don't matter. Kill miss Australia.

You want us to kill the woman

on the videoscreen?

That woman on the videotape, yes.

Um, you want us to kill that girl there

in the videotape that you rented?

We going to kill her?

That girl in there now

in the tape that you rented killed.

Sí.

Where is she?

She's in the store

with the videotapes?

You, you listen to me, huh?

Huh? I say lick toilet, you lick toilet.

I say pick the nose,

you pick the nose.

I say kill videotape girl,

you kill videotape girl.

Huh?

Oh, yes, sir! She's dead.

We, we kill miss Australia.

We going, um, um, we going to kill

crocodile dundee.

She's dead.

Dog meat dead, sir.

She is, um, a deader than a koala

on the freeway way, sir.

She's deader than

shrimps on the Barbie.

Dead as a koala bear.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You 2 comedians?

[Mumbling]

Go! Go! Go kill miss Australia.

Get out!

* he goes into the room *

* everybody runs and hides *

* he never be a groom

* he never catch a bride *

* it's a sad, sad world *

* when your head looks like a pizza *

* but it's sadder, sadder still *

* when no girl wants to meet ya *

miss Australia: Well, I'll bet his best friends

don't even want to talk to him.

You know, I... i think he stinks.

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey! Hey!

Now, schecky, fighting isn't going to solve anything.

Shut up, Bob.

[Grumbling] Son of a bitchin' boat's

rocking my goddamn head off for Christ's sake.

[Foghorn] Ow! Oh!

Oh! Fucking... [Foghorn]

Oh, fuck you.

Fucking bullhorn out of nowhere, for Christ's sake.

Fuck, bullshit, bull... oh... horn. Shit.

Fucking playing...

Feel like I'm doing the polka, for Christ's sake.

Just... oh, oh.

Christ, more stairs than fucking notre dame.

Jesus Christ.

Hi, Dickie.

I just had the greatest interview.

I spoke all about my political beliefs

and I said what you told me to

about general noriega.

Oh, that's fucking great, Ellen.

That's wonderful. Listen.

Why don't you just do me a favor, ok?

Take off for a while. I need some space. Ok, honey?

Sure, no problem.

I'm going to go and get

a pastrami sandwich.

[Stomach roils]

Fucking pastrami sandwich.

She knows fucking Dickie diamond hates

pastrami sandwiches.

Oh, shit. Ocean.

Uhh! Fuck! Oh, shit!

Fuck you! Fuck. Fuck. Uhh!

Fuck that. You got... I'm walking away from this.

I'm fucking walking away from this.

You got nothing. Hah!

[Stomach roils] Fuck!

Fuck that.

Son of a bitch. My best hat!

Ohh! Ohh!

Fucking stairs. Great! More fucking stairs.

Fuck.

Oh! Porcelain goddess.

Uhh! Here I come.

Aah!

Dickie!

Aah! Oh, my God!

Dickie!

Help! Man overboard!

My God! Man overboard!

Help! Dickie!

Dickie diamond doesn't throw up.

My agent's fucking fired.

He's out.

Hey.

Hey! Open the fucking door!

Aw, shit!

Aw, fuck!

Hey! Hey!

Aw, come on, somebody open...

Where's a fucking maid when you need one?

Open the fu... Aw, fuck.

Fuck. Oh, shit.

Richard "Dickie" Scott Brian David

diamond steinwitz.

He was such a funny man.

A man who made us laugh.

A man who brightened our hearts

and opened up our every day

with endless possibilities

of laughter.

The guy talked about banging his grandmother.

What is this?

Let's us pray.

Let us look at our books...

Psalm 29, Jackson 5.

Red Sox 4, Yankees 3

in the bottom of the eighth.

God! Is that a porpoise out there?

[Speaking hebrew]

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Let us pray that Richard "Dickie" Scott

diamond steinwitzman

is in heaven

entertaining the angels

in that great microphone of the sky.

What are we going to do?

Who's going to make us laugh

the rest of the cruise?

I mean, who's going to

brighten our days

and open our hearts now?

Who?

Whoa, man! This is my big chance here.

If I volunteer, I'm going to be

the ship's comedian.

Aw, that'd be great.

But if I don't, I'm just going to be

schecky the schmuck waiter

the rest of my life,

and I'll never touch a woman again

and I just... i got to touch a woman.

I just want to grab her. I just want to...

Oh, God that would be good.

But I... but I can't do it.

I just can't do it. I don't know.

I'm too crazy. I'm nervous.

I bet... i mean, I'm probably the one

who killed Dickie diamond.

I was so jealous of that guy.

I just... I'm not going to do it.

I won't do it. There's no...

I can't do it.

There's no way I'm going to...

Holy cow! Who are you?

Schecky!

I am king Neptune, God of the sea.

I couldn't help overhearing

what you were thinking.

Not that I eavesdrop or anything,

but I couldn't help hearing you were,

uh, well, that you wanted to be

the ship comedian.

Ha ha. But you have doubts, my son.

Doubts that you shouldn't have.

Wait. Am I hallucinating here? Are you for real or what?

Sure as that big nose

on the end of your face.

Ahh, jeez. An anti-semitic fish.

You're definitely not a giflte fish, I guess?

Listen! You got to have

a sense of humor to be king

of that cesspool, Sonny.

Su toilet is mi casa, ¿comprende?

Don't tell me you're unworldly

and you lack confidence, to boot.

Sheesh, it's a good thing

I felt it my duty to tell you

to go for it!

Take the job as ship comedian.

These people need you.

Well, hey, hey! They need me?

[Falsetto] They need me?

Yes, they need you! What are you

fishing for compliments here?

Everyone needs to laugh.

May the gods be my witnesses

I've been at the brunt

of a few too many jokes

at the office water cooler,

let me tell you!

Mismanagement they said! My tail!

I'll put a hex on exxon! [Sings]

I remember when I was the prince of...

Ok, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I mean, is this going to be a big long story here?

We don't have time for that.

You know, I got a responsibility.

There's a movie here,

and, you know, they don't want to hear this.

So you understand, yeah?

You got a time thing?

Time issue?

We don't have time.

Well, I just thought

I'd give you a little confidence.

You just go ahead, Mr. sailorpants.

Why don't you just finish?

Oh, man. No, really,

king Neptune, thank you. I appreciate it.

But remember...

The power of laughter!

I'll do it! I'll do it!

I'll be ship comedian. Ya... hooo!

Yeah!

[Singing in spanish]

Quit banging!

I'm not banging. I'm drumming.

It's good for me.

Quit drumming!

Ok.

Um... Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Um, the big stinky man.

The big stinky man who?

The big stinky man is you!

Shut up, achmed, you're not funny.

I am funny. I'm very funny.

Achmed is funny!

Oh, man, what happens if I go up there

and I die a miserable death?

They're not gonna like me.

I'm gonna blank up there.

Someone's gonna throw food at me.

I'll be hit in the head with a meatloaf.

Schecky.

I'll get thrown overboard.

The shark's gonna rip my legs off.

Schecky!

Now, no one's gonna hate you

as long as you act natural,

but I think if we sang a little song right now,

you'd feel a little better.

All right.

Ok.

* comedy, such a lovely lady *

* lady

* she'll pick you up

* pick you up

* when you're feelin' blue

* feelin' blue

* she'll run her fingers through your hair *

* your hair

* and make you feel that someone cares *

* someone cares

* about you

* about you, about you *

* skid skid-a-Lee doo

* skid-a-Lee doodle-Lee doodle-Lee doo *

now, don't you feel better?

I do. I do.

Ok. Now, you don't have to try to be funny.

Just be yourself.

You don't have to tell jokes.

Hey, you're right. I'll just talk to 'em.

I'll just ask 'em questions

about themselves, and that's it.

Right. Now, that's good.

Now, fix your hair, wipe your eyebrows...

Oh. Got it.

Wipe your nose, smell your breath,

check your armpits, tie your shoes...

I got dat.

And sit up straight.

Ahh!

Eh!

Holy shit. Look at me.

I look like a fuckin' zombie.

You fuckin' sicko.

Holy shit.

All right. All right.

That's it.

I'm fuckin' dyin' in here.

I'm gonna fuckin' shrivel up

like a fuckin' piece of bacon.

Oh, boy. I am very nervous right now.

This is a frightening thing to do...

Take over for a dead comedian

that everybody loved so much.

All right. Here it goes. Here we go.

I'm gonna do it right now.

Hey, everybody. How are you doin' tonight?

[Crowd groans and microphone screeches]

Oh, I'm glad to hear it. That's good.

Uh, you, sir. Hi.

Hi. What's your name?

Dave.

Dave. We got Dave here.

Dave. Hey, Dave. What do you do for a living?

I'm a construction worker.

Dave's a construction worker, everybody.

See that? So, Dave, what do you construct?

I construct buildings.

What the fuck else would I construct?

Oh. Oh. That's good. All right.

Well, so, Dave, do you think that constructing

is an easy job, or do you think it's a hard job?

[Whispers]

You know what? Listen, butthole.

Why don't you quit tryin' to be funny,

because all you're doin'

is pissin' me off.

Oh. Um, hey. That kind of sounded

like my ex-girlfriend right there. Ha ha!

Woman: You suck!

But she's a little bit bigger than Dave. Ha ha!

Man: Get off, big nose.

All I'm saying is,

I'm not very good with relationships.

Woman: Boring.

That's all I was trying to say right there. Ha ha!

Um, hi. How are you doing there? What's your name?

I hate you!

Oh, this isn't goin' too well, is it?

Well, why don't we just start over right now?

Man: Get off.

Just give me a chance. I'm pretty funny.

Ok, look. Here's a good joke.

Um, all right.

There's a proctologist, right? And he's...

We want Dickie.

We want Dickie.

We want Dickie.

We want Dickie.

We want Dickie.

Hey, hey, hey. What do you want?

I mean, the guy is dead.

You want to hear a corpse or something?

You know what?

A corpse would be funnier

than you are.

I want to hear croaker sing.

[Crowd cheering]

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no. No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Hey. All right.

Let's rock!

[Screaming]

[Rock music playing]

* well, I'm on the prowl out the cat door *

* 'cause I'm in love with a little girl, boy *

* hear her howl, lovely woman *

* serving me some hot, hot tuna *

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside his head

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* meow

* well, I climb the walls over tail so fine *

* my furry paws want your behind *

* all come for love to me *

* I'm so wild and so in heat *

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside the head

* gonna slap your cat

* right now

* gonna slap your cat

* upside his head, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat, baby *

* yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

give me that jacket.

Give it here. Give it up.

I failed, man. I failed.

King Neptune was wrong. Nobody needs me.

King Neptune?

Yeah, king Neptune. He's God of the sea?

Oh, there he is, right over there.

Bob: Oh.

Schecky, uh, can I be honest with you?

Yeah, Bob. You can be honest with me.

Come on. Let's take a walk.

Schecky, I hate comedians.

Not all comedians, though.

Just 99% of them.

See, to me,

stand-up comedy is such a sad thing.

I mean, it's so pathetic.

It's absolutely the most degrading thing

a human being can put himself through,

standing up on stage, alone,

talking about how fat

or how bald or how ugly you are.

I mean, spilling your guts

about your family history

and your alcoholic father,

blatantly begging the audience

to love you, to accept you,

and give you the love

that you never had as a child.

It's pathetic, schecky.

It's an empty, loveless...

Bob. Bob, what are you trying to say?

Let me put it this way.

Comedy is like this life preserver.

Ahh! Comedy is round

with ropes hanging off of it. All right.

See, schecky, that wasn't funny.

I know you probably said that

to make me laugh and to like you more,

but you didn't have to, see?

I like you enough already.

Bob, stop, all right? Stop.

I'm gonna have to ask you

to stop being a psychoanalyst

and just... You're too stupid

to tell me anything, all right?

I like comedy. I like being funny.

That's it. All right?

Ok. Ok.

Then maybe you should try

telling some jokes this time

instead of just being yourself.

I mean, maybe that would work.

That is a great idea, Bob. Jokes.

You hit it right on the head,

but first, let's see a montage

of some beautiful women.

* doo doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo doo doo *

* ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah

* doo doo doo doo doo doo *

* I met a gentle woman

* she took my heart away

* she said I had it comin' to me *

* that I wanted it that way *

* I think any lovin' is good lovin' *

* so I took what I could get *

* yeah, I took what I could get *

* ooh, she looked at me with those big brown eyes *

* and said, you ain't seen nothin' yet *

* b-b-baby, you ain't seen nothin' yet *

* here's somethin'

* here's somethin' you'll never forget *

* baby, you ain't seen nothin' yet *

* you ain't been around now, honey *

the meat, it's good.

And more.

I mean, it's... It's a lot.

Perfect.

Your wife, she make that for you?

Yes.

Nice wife.

Uh-huh.

I don't have wife.

Your salami, it's very big.

Big enough for 2 peoples.

Big enough for 3 peoples.

There's enough there for whole family of peoples

haven't eaten for whole weeks.

Cut me a little slice.

No.

Give me a little? No.

Give me a little hunk!

No. Why not?

Give me a little. No.

Give me a little hunk!

No, no. Son of a bitch.

Give me your salami.

[Arguing]

Is this the way generals wear them?

Yes. Sí.

Ha ha! This one goes up, over,

and this one goes under?

Sí. One moves up, one... heh heh!

You know what my mother says about you?

Heh heh! Ha ha!

She says you're an untrained animal.

Ha ha! Heh heh!

But you should hear what my father says.

No, I... i can't. No, no, no.

Go to the ship.

Heh heh! Ha ha!

What is it, Robinson crusoe?

What does your father say?

Oh, no, no. My father doesn't... no.

I promised him, pinky swear.

He said I couldn't tell.

Well, does he like me, or no?

Uh, he says he has to like you.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

I don't think he voted for you, though.

Oh, well, we'll... We forgive that.

Heh heh! Ha ha!

I'll tell my father that.

That you'll let him out of jail.

Ha ha! Heh heh!

Not yet.

Yes, I will. Couple years.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

A couple years?

Well, he's not that old.

Hoo hoo! Ha ha!

Oh, you're terrible.

You are really bad.

No, no, no, no. He's a good man.

In a couple years, he'll...

Couple years?

Well, yes. He find philosophy.

For what?

He find philosophy in the can.

Ha ha!

Is that where you find it?

Sure. In the can.

You wear these fuckin' things?

Look at you.

Nice fuckin' patent leather fucker.

Ridiculous fuckin' shoes you're wearing.

You wearing these?

Nothin' good for that.

They're not even good for bangin' on the fuckin' door.

Hello.

I don't know. Maybe it is, maybe not.

I don't think it's grounds

for legal action, croakie.

That's all I'm sayin'.

I don't think it is.

I don't care what it costs, man.

I want that guy sued, all right?

I'm singin' my song,

and I made it very clear to that guy

I wanted to be shot from a higher angle.

He shoots me from straight on,

it makes my nose look absolutely huge.

My fans are not gonna accept...

Dickie: Hey. Hey.

Hey, let me out. It's Dickie diamond.

I'm in the fuckin' bathroom.

Whoa! Wait a minute. Is that that...

Ooh, that's that guy.

That's the dead guy, the comedian.

Whoa, man, this is weird,

because if he's dead...

If he's dead, how could he be screamin'?

I don't know, croakie.

Maybe it's his...

Maybe it's his ghost.

Dickie: Let me out.

Wait a minute, man. You're scarin' me.

Yeah.

Don't scare me like that, man.

I can't take this ghost stuff.

How do I get off this boat?

[Dickie pounds]

Let me out, you fucks.

This ship is haunted, man.

Get me off this ship. This ship is haunted.

I gotta get off this ship, man.

Croakie, listen to me.

Listen. Listen to me.

Listen to me, croakie.

Let me out, you little fuck.

Croaker: Help me. Help me get off this boat.

Help me. I gotta get out of here now.

No. No. I gotta get out of here.

[Voices fade]

No. Motherfuckers.

These fuckin' fag socks you've been wearin'.

Look at this shit.

Oh, fuck.

[Sniffs] Shit. That's twice as bad.

Maybe I can go out through there.

Fuck, it's a toilet. Flush myself out.

Come on, somebody. Please?

Aha!

You cheated.

That's not cheating.

That's cheatin'. Nn-nn.

Are you gonna wear that for your comedy act?

Oh, I was thinkin' of it. Yeah.

No. No.

I think you should wear your pink shirt.

Oh. Oh. Well, if I'm gonna change shirts,

I'll probably just wear my green shirt.

No, no, no. The pink shirt shows off your tan.

Oh. It's a nice shirt.

Yeah, you're right, but I like green.

The green shirt would be better.

The pink is much better, much better.

No, I'm gonna...

See, green... luck is green.

No, no, no. Pink. Pink.

I like green. Pink.

Green is good. Pink. Pink.

Green. Green is what I...

Pink. Green.

Green. Green. Pink. Pink.

Pink. Green.

Why don't you wear 'em both?

Yeah. I could do that.

Ok. Yeah.

Where are we?

We're in the middle of the ocean.

I know we're in the middle of the ocean,

you idiot.

Where in the middle of the ocean?

Who do I look like to you, a compass?

You a navigator, stupid.

You are navigator, stupid.

Dumb stupid.

Who is holding the map?

Who is holding map?

Oh. I am.

So you are navigator.

Ok. Give it to me.

Oh, no. Give it to me.

I am navigator.

Give it to me.

I am navigator.

Give it to me.

Look what you are doing.

Oh, my God. Look at that.

Huh?

Oh! Uh!

Uh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

My map. My map.

I want my map.

I want to just tell you thank you

for giving me another chance up here.

You're really nice to me. I appreciate it,

and I swear this time,

you're not gonna be disappointed,

because, well, I've been workin' on an act.

Man: Who cares?

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I figured I'd begin off...

I'll tell you what happened to me inside.

There was an old lady in there, right,

and these 4 guys were, like,

really messin' with her and givin' her trouble,

these really... hoodlums, bad-lookin' characters,

and one of 'em stole her purse,

and another one...

I was watchin' this the whole time...

Grabbed her by the ring

and was tryin' to yank her wedding ring off.

It was very expensive, I guess,

'cause she was fighting and fighting.

She was screaming, "help me, help me, help me."

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

I ran over to the guy. I said, "hey, buddy",

"why don't you put some butter on her finger

and the ring will slide right off."

Woman: You suck, loser.

Ekebem?

What?

Do you like me?

No.

Not at all?

Not at all.

I like you.

So?

So, you should like me, too,

you know?

It's a boat.

It's a boat.

The boat. The boat.

The boat. The boat.

It's a boat.

Miss Australia, you are dead!

It's a boat.

You are dead, miss Australia!

Well, don't think I'm a bad guy,

'cause I'm not a bad guy. I'm pretty cool.

I mean, I have a conscience,

that's what I'm tryin' to say.

Like, when I was a kid,

I used to steal alka-seltzer all the time,

and I'd feed the seagulls, and they'd blow up.

First woman: Pu!

Second woman: We like 'em big, boy.

Boo! Boo!

Man: Hey, idiot.

I don't get it.

I think this is funny.

Is it me? Do I have no idea of what makes people laugh?

Do I know nothing about the art of comedy?

Hmm.

I wonder what Milton berle would do

if he was in that spot.

Milton berle: Hey, kid, you got a light?

That... that sounded like Milton berle.

Are you Milton berle?

If it's not, I had a lot of fun with his wife.

Were you just talking to yourself?

Did I hear you say you were a stand-up comic?

Yes, sir.

Hey, pretty good lookin' for one of them,

and I love that shirt you're wearin'.

You never throw anything away, do you?

I'm kiddin'.

Sit down. Have a seat.

Right here at your table?

No, in the kitchen.

Thank you, Mr. berle.

What's your name?

Schecky moskowitz.

Schecky moskowitz.

With a name like that,

you should get a laugh right away.

So, kid, it looks like you have a problem.

You're thinkin' about something.

Tell me, what can I do for you?

Well, Milton... Oh, I'm sorry...

Mr. berle,

I need your advice on getting laughs.

I was on this ship, and I did my act,

and nobody laughed,

and I couldn't understand why.

Tell me one of the jokes that you did on the ship.

Oh, all right. Ok. All right.

There are these two hoodlums, right,

and they see this old lady,

and this lady's got this big ring on,

so they run over

and they start yanking on her ring,

and they're pullin' on the ring,

and this lady's lookin' at me,

goin', "help me, help me, help me,"

and, you know, I had to do somethin',

so I run over to the hoodlums, right?

Hold it.

Hoodlums?

Is this the butter joke?

Yeah. That's the joke.

No wonder they didn't laugh.

Were there any hoodlums or gangsters in the audience

when you told that joke?

Uh, no. I told it

to a bunch of beauty queens.

Beauty queens? Oh, no.

And then I told them the one

about blowing up the seagulls.

Blowing up seagulls.

Kid, you're using the wrong technique.

Young man, come over here just...

Have you got a pencil on you?

Yes, sir.

Well, thank you very much.

You got a pad? Sure.

That's it. Thank you.

All right. Now you're workin'.

Schecky...

All right.

Don't make a whole federal case out of it.

What I'd like you to do now,

write these gags down, schecky.

I think all those beautiful queens

will identify with them.

Last week, I dated a girl

that had everything a man would want...

Mustache, hair under the arms,

bushy eyebrows.

You talk about the same girl.

You say, what a nose.

She had to lift it to eat.

And follow that up with,

one good lipstick brought out her lips,

and one good sneeze brought out her teeth.

This girl had very affectionate eyes.

They always kept lookin' at each other.

This should be a boffo.

And when she opened one eye,

all she could see was the other one.

And her boobs were very small...

So small, she had to carry her nipples in her pocket.

Now, you try those jokes, schecky.

They'll all work. They always did.

Well, so long, kid.

Lots of good luck.

Thank you, Mr. berle.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

Schecky, always remember that you're a comic,

that you possess the strongest weapon

for bringing people together

and making them feel happy.

There's nothing more important in the world

than the power of laughter.

Remember that.

Bye-bye.

Whoa. The power of laughter.

King Neptune was talkin' about the power of laughter.

Maybe this phrase is gonna, like,

tie the whole story together

in some clever way or something.

Hmm.

Uh, where am I goin'?

I have no idea where I am right now.

I'm walkin' around like I know where I'm goin'.

I don't know what... Let's see.

How do I get back to the ship?

Maybe I should use some, like, magical comedy phrase.

I'll try that. Um, ok.

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

Nothin'. Nah. No good.

Um, why do firemen wear red suspenders?

No good. Nothin'.

Um, ok. Uh, take my wife, please.

Ooh. That's the one, right there.

Right there. Take my wife, please.

Take my wife, please.

Take my wife, please.

Take my wife, please.

[Appreciative laughter]

Hey. Hey. Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot. Thank you, baby.

All right.

Ho ho ho! Thank you very much.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Well, anyway, so I see this guy

on the street the other day, right?

He tells me he's got agent orange.

I said, "at least you have an agent." Boom!

Ha ha!

All right. Ok. My grandmother.

I was talkin' to my grandmother the other day.

What a lady. You'd love her.

She's deaf in both ears, right,

so we bought her 2 hearing aids.

She keeps puttin' 'em both in the same ear.

She's deaf over here,

she's got, like, bat-like hearing over here.

Did somebody say nursing home?

That's her. That was her voice. Ha ha!

[Machine guns firing]

[Crowd screaming]

What's happening? Who is that over there?

What's going on? Hey, I thought...

What, is there a sale on bikinis or something?

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me? I'm doin' great.

These people love me. You see, I'm finally cookin'.

I'm start... I'm a-rollin'.

Oh!

Ow.

Come on. We got to get out of here.

Why?

My God! My God! Terrorists! Terrorists!

That's why.

Oh.

[Rumbling]

Holy shit.

[People screaming]

We fuckin' hit an iceberg.

We hit an iceberg.

Holy shit. Another Titanic.

Hurry up, schecky.

Come on, get in here.

I'm comin', I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Where is miss Australia?

We want her now. She's ours.

We are not fooling around here.

We got a big, fat problem here.

We need to have a little talk with her.

This is no joke.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hello. Testing 1, 2, 3.

Hello.

This is going out to all the people

on the boat.

All the people.

All we want is miss Australia.

Mrs. Australia!

Miss Australia!

Miss Australia?

Say, isn't that the late Dickie diamond's girlfriend?

How would I know? I haven't done any scenes

with Dickie diamond and his girlfriend.

I'm quite sure it is. Hey, that's great.

They want to kill her. She's a real bitch, man.

You guys shouldn't talk mean about people

behind their backs.

Oh, well, I didn't see you there.

I'll say it to your face.

You're a pig, honey. You were mean to me

the other night in the bar.

Well, I was a different woman back then

when Dickie was alive.

Now that he's dead, I'm my own woman.

I've got my own mind and it works for me

and nobody else.

Good for you.

Mrs. Australia!

Miss Australia, you little kangaroo,

big mouth bad breath.

You better come out!

Oh, my God.

It's time to meet your mayor.

My God, they want me to meet the mayor?

No, no. I think he's speaking broken English

right there.

He wants you to meet your maker.

He wants to kill you.

Do you have an education?

[Crying]

Oy, miss Australia,

when I find you,

I'm gonna take your hands

and I'm gonna cut off

all your pretty little fingernails

and I'm gonna swallow them...

Yum!

And they're gonna go through

my digestive tract.

And the only thing is,

they're not gonna digest!

Oh, my God! He can't.

All I said was that general noriega

had bad breath.

It took me months to grow these.

You know, I broke one,

and then just as it was growing back,

I broke another one.

They're finally all even.

He can't do it. He can't!

I've got to get out of here!

No, no, Ellen. Ellen, wait!

Wow.

Don't women look funny when they run in heels?

Let's go.

Oh, there she goes!

Well, go, go!

[Fires gun]

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Oh!

Look out!

* nowhere to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide, no

* got nowhere to run to, baby *

* and nowhere to hide

* it's not love I've been running from *

* it's the heartbreak I know will come *

* 'cause I know you're no good for me *

* but you've become a part of me *

* everywhere I go

* your face I see

* every step I take

* you take with me

* nowhere to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide, yeah... *

hey, what's with the shirt?

Oh, this one?

Yeah, that shirt.

Oh, I like the pink one, and Bob likes the green one.

Which one do you like?

They both stink.

* I know you're no good for me *

* but free of you

* I'll never be

* no

* each night as I sleep

* into my heart you creep *

* I wake up feelin' sorry I met you *

* hopin' soon that I'll forget you *

* when I look in the mirror *

* to comb my hair

* I see your face

* just a-smilin' there

* yeah

* nowhere to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide

* run to, baby

* got nowhere to run...

Oh, God.

Hey, what's wrong?

Just because I'm pretty,

everybody thinks I'm stupid.

Where did that come from?

I hate being beautiful.

Sometimes I wish I was an ugly, old hag

with burn marks or warts all over my face

and people would just run in terror

when they looked at me.

Why?

Because being pretty isn't pretty.

Look, look. We don't have time for this.

You see, I have this morbid desire to be deformed.

God, that's beautiful.

I never realized how hard it was

for a young girl to be so gorgeous.

It's a living hell.

[Machine gunfire]

* got nowhere to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide

* I know you're no good for me *

* but free of you I'll never be, no... *

climb the ladder.

Climb the...

Why do you want 'em to climb the ladder?

[Sighs]

* hopin' soon

* that I'd forget you

* when I look in the mirror *

* to comb my hair

* I see your face

* just a-smilin' there

* yeah

* nowhere to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide

* run to, baby

* got nowhere to run from you, baby *

* oh, no

* I know you're no good for me *

* but you've become a part of me *

* how can I fight a lover... *

oh, God.

They're gonna kill me before I get a chance

to be an actress.

All my hopes,

all my dreams.

I had a line on general hospital

last week.

You did?

What was it?

"Can I get you something from the bar?"

Oh, my God.

I say that all the time.

Really? Oh, I wish you'd been there

to coach me.

Me, too.

Oh, jeez, I can't believe this.

Do you think I should tell her

about Bob's little infection, huh?

Should I? Forget it.

Yo, miss Australia?

You better come out here,

or I'm gonna have to start killing hostages

in 30r 4 seconds...

3 seconds!

Starting with this girl here.

Maybe we should try to save her.

No, she always wins whenever we compete.

This could be my only chance for miss international.

Now that is a competitive bitch

right there.

I'm so selfish.

I've got to give myself up.

You guys stay here.

Just kidding...

Look, I think the general's a great guy.

I only said it to be smart.

Look, he probably smells terrific.

Come to mention it,

you guys aren't so bad yourself...

Aah!

Shut up! Shut up!

[Squealing]

Hey, Bob?

What are we gonna do about this?

Well, maybe we should try to save her.

Yeah, yeah, Bob.

What?

Well, I figured you just had

your tongue down the girl's throat.

Maybe you should go and save her.

[Screaming]

Come on, schecky.

Don't put me on the spot.

I have a really strong fear of death.

Oh, I got a fear of death,

but I also have a stronger sense

of guilt, man, and jeez,

I mean, you were just making out

with the girl. I would feel

you'd kind of want to save her.

Fine, fine!

Fine, I'll go.

I'll go and get shot at

saving some girl I was just kissing.

You stay here...

Coward!

Oh...

Get off of her!

I was lying to Bob right there.

I do have a stronger fear of death

compared to my sense of guilt,

but death... ew... Makes me nauseous.

I don't want death.

You get buried underground,

you get dirt all over you

with worms... ew...

That's not good.

So, you know, if I get out there,

there's a chance I'm gonna get shot,

and I don't like that,

and that's not good for my career, either.

You know that and I know that.

I ain't going. Oh, yeah.

Come to think of it...

Where do you think we go...

When we die?

I'm thinking of that right now.

Well, I feel everyone goes to purgatory first.

And then, after everyone prays for you,

you go to heaven.

Heaven is a place up above...

Pearly gates.

Heaven is bright lights,

real calm, real serene.

Lots of angels and things.

Ah, I'll tell you what I think.

I think that when we die,

we just get on this dark, lonely spiral...

Right down to nothingness.

That's where we go, and that's not cool with me.

So, I'm not gonna get out there,

because I could get shot, and that would happen to me...

Milton's voice: Schecky, you remember the power.

Kill 'em with laughs before they kill you.

That was that berle guy again.

I guess I better shut up.

What? What?

Milton: Use the power of laughter.

Laughter? Power of laughter?

He always said that.

Maybe that has a meaning or something.

Power of... Oh, ah, ah!

I know what he means.

Yeah...

I know what he means.

I'll get the... Skeedil-ee-Dee-da-Dee!

Skeedil-ee Dee-da-Dee!

Aah!

Who are you?

Ah, moskowitz. Schecky moskowitz.

What's your name there, pal?

I'm achmed.

Ah, achmed, with a lot of spit there.

That's good. What do you do

for a living, there, huh?

I fight for the people.

The people's people's people.

Ah, I like people.

Freedom fighter. That's me.

I work for the contra rebels sometimes.

I'm sure you do. I would, too...

Sometimes I deliver for domino's.

Half hour or less.

Ok, miss Australia.

Any last requests?

Yes...

I'd like to sing one last song...

I won the miss Australia contest with this last year,

and it would really mean a lot to me.

Ok, sing your heart out.

* Australia's sons

* let us rejoice

* for we are young and free... *

this is how my mother carried me when I was a baby.

But can you let go a little, please,

because I'm a little sick.

You know, when I'm sick, my mother always tells me

to drink liquids.

I think she's right, though,

because every time I drink a solid, I choke.

Boom! Ha ha ha.

Yeah.

* with golden soil and wealth for toil *

* our home is girt by sea... *

yeah, speaking of drinks, you know...

This is what I do to get free drinks.

I kind of insult a girl.

I say, "baby, you're kind of ugly."

She takes her drink and throws it in my face.

I open up my mouth, right?

And after 6 or 7 girls, I get a good buzz going.

Ha ha ha!

* Australia's sons

* let us rejoice

* for we are young and free *

ok, ok. That was beautiful.

[Continues singing unintelligibly]

Ok, that does it!

Aah!

[Laughing]

Yeah, why don't you give it a whirl, baby?

Come on, give it a try.

Go ahead.

So I said to the man...

Take my wife...

Please?

Yeah!

Speaking of, um...

My wife,

she's so fat...

How fat is she?

She's so fat...

That when she sits around the house,

she's all the way around the house.

[Weakly singing]

Darling...

Achmed...

I want to be a comedian.

I make the people laugh.

I think they love me.

I... i...

[crying]

Are you ok?

Yeah.

Are you ok?

Well, I have a little bump on my head,

but I don't think it shows a bruise.

Oh...

Why did you save me?

Because I love you.

Oh, jeez, do you?

I love you, too.

Will you marry me?

Oh, yeah.

I think I'm a laugher, not a fighter.

Kiss me.

What about killing miss Australia?

No, forget it.

Schecky said we could move in with him

and we could... we could live in America with him

and when... He could teach us

the fine art of comedy.

Really?

Really.

Will he write all his own, uh,

comedy material for us?

I will write all your material,

of course, and if you guys want,

I'll get you in a movie.

See that? There's a movie camera,

right there. Why don't you guys

do some comedy? Right now,

for that camera.

The movies?

Ok...

Ok, um...

So, um...

What's invisible and smells, um...

Like, like, carrots?

Uh, carrots. Ok, I know that one.

I know that one...

I don't know that one.

I don't know.

You don't know it?

It's 'cause it's...

It's little, teeny bunny fart.

[Laughing]

Daddy, let me out.

I won't be fooling around anymore.

I promise.

Who is it running over to first base...

With the second base there guy?

Must be...

Both: Third base!

[Laughing]

Love...

You don't have any love.

You don't deserve to wear this.

Somebody...

Please let me out.

I swear to God,

I will never flip anybody off again.

I'll never curse.

Somebody, please?

If you're up there...

Please.

Ahh...

You stupid motherfuckers.

You stupid fucks!

I'm an atheist!

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Ow.

Achmed: So, I'm for to play in the baseball

and I'm making touchdown for the home team.

I'm the hero!

[Laughing]

So, speaking of the baseballs,

how many one-eyed lizards

does it take to make a two-eyed lizard?

Hey, hey, you motherfucker.

3!

3, 3 one-eyed lizards. Why is it 3?

3 one-eyed lizards,

because one of them is blinder.

[Laughing]

[Achmed and ekebem continue bantering]

How can he see?

Because he's a blind lizard!

You fucking ugly motherfuckers...

Get the fuck off my stage.

I want my fucking job back.

Woman: Hey, look! That's the dead guy!

Man: Yeah, that's the dead comedian.

Hey, you're supposed to be dead.

Dead? You stupid motherfucker,

I'm not dead. I'm right here.

I was locked in the bathroom,

you stupid...

You fucking hijacking, 2-on-one cheaters.

Fuck...

Me!

Thank you very much. Thank you...

[Laughing]

I am terrorist. I'm like Rambo.

I am like Rambo.

[Gun cocks]

I am Rambo!

[Gunshot]

Well...

All right.

Everything worked out just fine, now didn't it?

Let's see.

Well, that rock star and his sleazy manager?

They have girls hanging all over 'em now.

And Bob, he has a gorgeous wife-to-be.

How he got her, I'll never know,

but stranger things have happened.

And even those terrorists.

They got what they wanted...

An audience.

I...

I guess I got what I wanted, too, you know?

Now, I'm a big, funny comedian.

I'm even a hero,

but something's missing.

I'm not sure what it is.

I got a surprise for you.

Neptune, how you been?

I haven't seen you in a while.

I'm swell.

I got someone I want you to meet.

Slimy!

Slimy?

Hello.

Neptune: This is my daughter, slimy!

Hello, slimy.

My little guppy's been watching you

in her conch shell for a week now,

and she's just been begging me

to introduce you.

You've been watching me in your conch shell?

Yes.

I really, really, wanted to meet you.

Wow, she is so sweet.

Hey, um, king Neptune,

I was just wondering if I could take her

to the bow of the ship and maybe give her

a kiss, you know, to close the movie.

Is that all right?

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

All right...

But have her back at the reef by 11:00!

And no tongues!

* oh, boy

* who's that girl over there? *

* I really got to talk to that chick *

* because that is one cool, sugar candy girl *

* she's a slick chick

* she's a slick chick

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* once in the U.S.A.

* I was out walking

* a little young girl

* I was seeing

* I see a young girl

* she started smiling

* I walk over

* we started talking

* I say, "hi, babes"

* she said, "how are you keeping?" *

* I said, "I'm cool"

* "I'm just doing my own thing" *

* she said "hey, man, I hear you are the in thing" *

* your keys are ivory from that Saxon sound system *

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

fuck everybody!

Fuck... fuck you!

Fuck the water!

Fuck this fucking water!

Fuck the boat!

Fuck... fuck noriega!

Fuck schecky!

Fuck everybody!

[Laughs]

Fuck everything!

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* yeah

* and I'm on the prowl

* going out the cat door

* 'cause I'm in love with a little girl, boy *

* hear her howl, lovely woman *

* serving me some hot, hot tuna *

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside his head

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* well, I climb the walls

* over tail so fine

* and my furry paws

* want your behind

* all come for love to me

* I'm so wild and so in heat *

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside his head

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah

* gonna slap his head

* boom

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* and I'm on the prowl

* going out the cat door

* 'cause I'm in love

* with a little girl, boy

* hear her howl, lovely woman *

* serving me some hot, hot tuna *

* yeah

* yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside his head

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

[explosion]

[Schecky laughing maniacally]

[Laughing continues]

[Laughing stops]