Original subtitles

-Oh! How'd that happen? -Mon Dieu, Elliot!

What 'di'd you 'do? Look at the mess youve ma'de!

-I 'di'dnt knock it over! -It happene'd just like magic?

-Dont be a pain. -Im going to tell.

I 'di'dnt spill it.

-Naughty boy. -Leave me alone! lm acci'dent-prone.

-Behave yourself. -Let go! Stop it!

lm telling your mama an'd papa. You are very naughty.

Stop it.

How many times have I tol'd you not to come in the kitchen?

How many times have I tol'd you? One million times!

Testing. Lets begin.

Hello, Elliot. Ive known you for a long time, always consi'dere'd you a frien'd...

...an'd I a'dmire your work.

Thank you, Martin.

I always have trouble saying your name, because Australians have 'difficulty...

...with the American R. It woul'd be easier if your name was Bob.

-This is a serious interview. -Im sorry.

Im just a little anxious.

Youve achieve'd a great 'deal of success in your creative an'd artistic fiel'd.

Youve travele'd a great 'deal.

You have influential frien'ds. Youve 'date'd a bevy of bright an'd beautiful women.

Yet youve never ha'd a lasting relationship.

I never seem to get it right.

Im a simple girl. I 'dont nee'd to 'do all these far-out things...

...with somebo'dy whos never aroun'd.

Does this mean were not gonna have breakfast? Thank you.

Get out!

You came close to getting married once, quite close.

Yeah, Kathleen.

It started out all right. Sunny day, lovely flowers, nice crowd. Everyone was there.

Except the bride.

That was a 'difficult 'day.

Thats when you calle'd me about the islan'd?

-Yeah, I was hoping you coul'd help me. -lf youre selecte'd, when can you leave?

I have an assignment in South America for a month, an'd then lm free.

Why 'do you think your relationships 'do not work out?

lm not always honest with myself about what I want.

We'll be landing at Los Angeles International Airport momentarily...

...where the local time is 4:05 a.m.

We've enjoyed serving you on Flight 241, and if your future travel plans...

...take you to South America, we hope you will once again choose Aero Brazil.

US citizens, over here. Aliens, over there.

This way, please.

-Hey, Tony. -Hi, Susan. See you.

Next, please.

Excuse me, sir, coul'd you hol'd my baby, please?

Sir, coul'd you help me an'd hol'd my baby? Thank you very much.

Thank you. Next?

Hello, Ai'dan, this is Dr. Rubino. Whats the emergency?

Hi, mom. Yeah, lm safe. We just lan'de'd.

Im exhauste'd. Mom, its 4:00 in the morning.

I really gotta go. Bye.

Dont you hate getting in this late? My eyes get so 'dry when I fly.

Hol'd it. Youre the guy with the turban!

Okay, Martin, thank you.

Passenger Joel Stearns, please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone.

Passengers arriving on Aero Brazil Flight 241...

...may claim their baggage at Carousel 2.

Are you crazy? Taking a picture of me blowing my nose?

Woul'd you stop it?

Okay. Im a professional. Call me, well 'do a sitting sometime.

Yeah.

Your bags moving.

Want me to get that? III get it for you.

No, leave it alone. Leave it.

Excuse me, sir.

Going to unloa'd your own luggage?

This la'dy acci'dentally lost her bag.

I wasnt watching where I put my bag.

Its all right. It will come aroun'd. Here it is.

Sorry to cause you so much trouble.

We cant be responsible for your hea'd if you stick it in the baggage hole.

Ill remember that.

Look, I 'dont know if something was going 'down or not.

Please open all of your bags.

They may just be smuggling a bottle of vo'dka for all I know.

I got photos of both of them.

I nee'd some stuff on this roll, but if you wanna see them, heres my car'd.

We have to 'do a full check on everybo'dy.

-Ill remember that. -Nice job.

You stay out of trouble.

Smuggling.

Hello, my little frien'ds.

The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.

No parking.

Di'd you have any trouble in there?

Absolutely not. Im a professional.

Yes, a professional.

Good morning, and welcome to LA's premier XXX club...

...The Feather.

When the sun comes up, the bras come down.

It is dark and time for our sunrise special. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Give it up.

Look what I got!

Now.

We think youll fin'd this will help Mr. Walker breathe a lot better.

-Wait here. -All right.

-Mr. Walker, everything checks out fine. -Goo'd.

LAPD!

Freeze!

-Is this a rai'd? -Im 21, I swear.

-Get out of the way. -All of you.

-Get 'down! -Come here!

-On the floor! -Watch it, bu'd'dy.

Get with the program! The floor! On the floor!

You! Get with the program!

Out of my way! Kill them!

Sprea'd em. Youve never been in trouble with the police before?

-I havent. Im clean. -Yeah, youre clean. Miran'da.

If you woul'd 'do the honors, Detective Kingston.

My pleasure.

Where are you going? Sit 'down! You are sitting 'down!

You sit 'down, unless youre crawling.

Fre'd, my feet are killin me in these shoes.

Welcome to King Solomons mine.

Go'd, lm goo'd.

Get 'down!

Check, please.

Ill go!

Hi. I'm Sheila Kingston, and I'm a cop.

Thought I was a supermodel?

Don't feel bad. Everyone makes that mistake.

Damn it, they got away. I hate that.

That's my partner, Detective Fred Lavery. June 13, that's the date.

It was the beginning of the wildest case of my career.

Let me tell you, my love life has never been the same.

And your love life may never be the same either.

Here we go. Case No. 1 1725.

The FBI and the US Customs Bureau had been trying to break...

...a South American diamond-smuggling ring for about two years without success.

That's where we came in.

And our backup finally arrived. Late. Must have been a line at Dunkin' Donuts.

We got the diamonds. The bad guys got away.

All we knew, one of them had a bad cold.

You missed Walker. How could you miss a man in a wheelchair?

Things 'di'dnt go that well at the airport either.

-Really? -A man took your picture.

Took my picture?

...it's a detour, and people act out...

Ill be two minutes, pal.

...early childhood humiliations in order to get rid of them.

It's been estimated that about a third of all couples have tried spanking each other.

About a third have tried tying each other up.

The woman in the pain profession, the dominatrix...

...considers it an ideal profession.

She can sleep in late. She can wear interesting clothes.

She can push men around. And with her whips and handcuffs...

...she actually makes more money per hour than I do.

And she can also charge it on Visa or MasterCard. It's sometimes--

Here we are.

Thats him.

-Looks like hes taking another trip. -Yeah, with his camera.

Shall I grab him?

Not yet. It 'doesnt mean that the 'damn film is in the camera.

All right. You go search the house. Im gonna follow the cab. Go!

-Here you go. -Thanks.

An hour later, Elliot Slater boarded a ship at Los Angeles Harbor, Pier 56.

We assumed he was going on another photo assignment. He wasn't.

He didn't know what was ahead of him or who was behind him.

Whoa, Doctor. No more bloo'd samples.

No, I came to tell you that you passe'd your physical.

You are HIV-negative an'd all your bo'dy parts...

...that shoul'd be working, work.

Thats great, but you 'di'dnt try them all.

I 'di'd forget one. I always save that for last.

Drop your pants.

-I 'dont even know your first name. -Doctor.

Turn your hea'd an'd cough. Again.

I cant believe lm 'doing this.

I bet youve been 'doing this since you were 13.

No, I mean being here on this ship.

Follow the rules, an'd youll 'do fine. From here on out, we only ask one thing.

What?

We'd like you to refrain from any private sexual stimulations.

We want you to perform up to your own expectations once you arrive.

Just finishing a roll.

Goo'd luck.

-Are you positive? -I think so.

-Think so is not positive. -Im pretty sure.

Pretty sure is not positive. We nee'd positive.

-Does this help? -Yes. Thats her. She went for my throat.

-Im positive. -Thank you, Susan.

You can now go back to work.

In the event of a water lan'ding, there are six exits on this plane.

I coul'dve been a stewar'dess.

Lets put this on the wire, Nina an'd all her aliases.

Im not gonna put an APB out on a person with magic marker on her face.

Its a re'd 'dot.

-In my office. -Yes, sir.

-I got an ID on Nina. -I got the same from the airport security.

-He sai'd she was a beauty queen. -Shes a psychotic who kills people...

-...an'd injures the han'dicappe'd. -Han'dicappe'd criminals.

Folks, please, lm late for a meeting, if you 'dont min'd. Come on.

So Walker talke'd. Sai'd that Nina was partners with Omar.

-What 'do you got on Omar, Mr. Filofax? -Okay, at your service.

Omar, precious gem smugglers pinup boy.

Wante'd for mur'dering two Hasi'dic 'diamon'd merchants in Rotter'dam.

No known aliases or physical 'description. No known photos.

-Ill take Obscure Criminals for $500. -Except there now is a photograph...

-...but we are not in possession of it. -Where 'does that leave us?

-My 'de'duction? -Please.

We can assume that Nina tol'd Omar this photographer...

...took the only photos of Omar in the mo'dern worl'd.

Omar is going to want to get his han'ds on this photographer, Slater, pretty ba'd.

Lieutenant, if we can get to Slater an'd his camera before they 'do...

...we can set a trap, an'd they will walk right into our arms.

Works for me. Lieutenant?

-Go'd, lm... -Dont say it.

-...goo'd. -He sai'd it.

Okay, thats it. Fre'ds right. Thats your next assignment.

-Di'd you trace Slaters ship? -It wasnt easy.

But we know its going to an islan'd resort, a club.

-Club Me'd? -Well, its not your usual resort.

Its a place for S&M, B&D, an'd D&S.

M&M?

They have a Club Me'd for sex orgies?

Maybe this will help you out. Heres some bon'dage magazines to stu'dy up on.

Tomorrow, you will be meeting with Dr. Martin Halifax, the islan'ds owner.

He will set you up to go un'dercover.

-Thats what we 'do. -Yes, we 'do.

This is now over. Get out of my office. Im late for supper.

-Thanks, boss. -Goo'd night, Lieutenant.

Lets go, Fre'd.

I ate four green ones. I 'dont feel anything.

Wait one hour.

This is just so gross.

Come on. Welcome to the 90s. Its just an alternative lifestyle.

An alternative lifestyle. Do you know what that is?

A phrase 'deviants use to cover up their sex lives.

Maybe if you'd spice'd up your sex life a little, you woul'dnt be 'divorce'd.

What? I spice'd it up plenty. Many a time, I let the wife get on top.

On top? It just boggles the min'd.

-I was joking. -I figure'd.

Ill get the file on Nina. Do whatever.

Catch you later. I gotta get a bikini wax.

Stop telling me about that 'disgusting female stuff.

-No won'der you were never marrie'd. -I have PMS, too. Do you know that?

Sometimes I bloat, weight gain, temporary water buil'dup.

I hate to tell you this. I clot. Heavy flow 'days.

Welcome. Im Senior Trainer Richar'd.

-Hi, Richar'd. -Theres no talking, Riba.

Dr. Williams will be aroun'd to collect your release forms.

While shes 'doing that, please take off your clothing.

You will spen'd one week at E'den.

Each of you has specifically chosen to pay your entrance fee...

...an'd sign up as submissives at E'den, some of you for fun...

...others of you to examine your sexual an'd emotional lives.

An'd we, after careful screening, have chosen you for one of three reasons:

Your curiosity, your 'desire to obey...

...or your capacity for arousal.

From now on, you will be referre'd to as citizens of E'den.

An'd you will obey all of our comman'ds. Is that clear?

-Yes. -Goo'd.

When you arrive at E'den, all of your luggage will be taken...

...an'd store'd on the islan'd for safekeeping until you leave.

At E'den, everybo'dy wears a specific outfit.

Yours 'designates that youre citizens or, if you will, submissives.

The trainers will han'd out your E'den attire...

...which youll wear 'during your stay on our islan'd.

Excuse me, Doctor.

Is this the right boat to the fantasy camp for golfers?

-Golfers? -Yes.

Im suppose'd to play with Lee Trevino.

-You come with me. -Arnol'd Palmer an'd Chi Chi Ro'driguez....

Also, alcohol an'd 'drugs are not permitte'd on the islan'd.

Youll love it here. Ive been here three times.

Riba, be quiet.

Please put on your E'den outfits, an'd return to your room.

I guess that covers all the 'details the 'department has to know, Dr. Halifax.

On June 15, Detective Lavery met with the owner of the resort.

A Dr. Martin Halifax, a guy who is very into ornithology.

Bird collecting. I had to look it up, too.

They met at his mansion in Malibu, California. A very swanky place.

Detective Lavery? If theres nothing else....

Okay. Well, then, I guess lm off to your S&M fantasy islan'd.

Where the little guy runs aroun'd yelling, The pain! The pain!

-Youre not mocking my work, are you? -No, sir.

In fact, how 'di'd you happen to start this resort of yours?

I believe theres always been a nee'd for such a place.

There are many people with similar tastes but with limite'd opportunities to 'discuss...

...or fulfill them.

I guess youre right, there. All you got is your peeler bars...

...your sicko han'dcuff clubs, weir'do newspaper a'ds....

But none offers an environment safe from 'disease or violence.

In this era of fringe-group lunacy, shoul'dnt we preserve free'dom of choice...

...in the most intimate of all choices? Sex.

Everybo'dy up on 'deck! This is E'den!

Mistress, the boats here.

Pa'd'dle!

Lets go! Okay, move it!

You okay?

Keep in time!

Keep your hea'ds 'down!

Ladies and gentlemen, the new citizens are arriving.

They beg for your examination.

I'm Trainer Kindra, and I'm pleased to announce that today...

...we have a new group of citizens for everyone's use and approval.

As you choose them, they also choose you.

All our pairings, whether married couples or singles, are by mutual consent.

Our head trainer Richard will introduce them.

But first, our headmistress of Eden, Mistress Lisa.

I coul'd carry you aroun'd like that, too.

All this ceremony an'd ritual makes me so arouse'd.

Why are we in a tent?

Sometimes planes an'd helicopters fly overhea'd an'd try to see what were 'doing.

What are we 'doing?

Quiet, Riba.

You will now meet each candidate individually...

...and, as is custom here at Eden, they will then pay homage to Mistress Lisa.

First, we have Lars from Sweden.

Oh, my Go'd.

Julie. Atlanta, Georgia.

Dante. Anaheim, California.

Riba, from Fort Worth, Texas.

Jenny. Australia.

This isnt quite what I expecte'd. I gotta get out of here.

You cant. The boat alrea'dy left.

Naomi, from Memphis, Tennessee.

Elliot, from Australia and Los Angeles, California.

-Lets go, Citizen Elliot. -You go.

-Im not going up there. -Yes, you are.

-Im not going up. -Elliot Slater.

Take it off, baby.

Okay, thats enough. Heres your robe. Lets go, Slater.

Thank you very much.

It feels like a sponge cake.

Quite a showoff, arent you, Elliot?

In'divi'duality is an a'dmirable trait.

But not here. I think you nee'd a couple of 'days to realize...

...youre nobo'dy special in E'den. Turn aroun'd.

Put him on work 'detail. Take him away.

Heidi, from Fargo, North Dakota.

$3 million worth of stolen diamonds were confiscated after a shootout...

...that left two suspects still at large.

Now that youve foun'd us, 'dont be a stranger.

You know, youre gonna be surprise'd how much use you get out of that.

On June 16, suspects Nina and Omar were seen at a specialized clothing store...

...on Sunset Blvd. Apparently, they found out where Slater's ship was headed, too.

Fred and I arrived at the shop minutes later.

Come on, Lucky.

Fred was his usual adventuresome self. Let's face it.

A wild night for Fred is a Doris Day film festival.

No blowup toys, no vibrators, no gels, no creams, no cuffs, no tapes.

-How about some clothes? -No, actually.

Im just here with him. Its his thing.

A lot of people feel nervous...

...about this submissive-'dominant thing at first.

But, you know, really, the submissive person is always in control.

All you have to 'do is give your partner a little control wor'd.

Like yellow.

Yellow. Yellow! Fre'd!

Look! Bon'dage Man.

Its like Elvis Goes to Hell.

-Ill be the guest. -Ill be the maintenance man.

Lets get starte'd.

Lots of men like to hear women talk 'dirty.

Lets hear someone talk 'dirty.

Any volunteers? How about you?

-No, I coul'dnt. -Come on. Just try.

Thats why youre here. Say something hot to your lover in be'd.

All right.

Come on, put your thing in my thing.

Its a start.

One, two, three.

An'd finally, the experts pre'dict, to survive intimacy in the year 2000...

...women will learn to be more sexually aggressive, an'd men, more romantic.

Our time is up. Thank you. Zara?

Thank you, Mistress Lisa.

Now, if you'd all come with me, well go on to the next class.

That was a won'derful lecture.

-Do you have a book out? -No, we like to keep it kin'd of private here.

I un'derstan'd. I'd better catch up. Bye.

-There he is again. -Yeah.

What 'do you think of her? Shes cool.

Elliot Slater.

Slater was intrigue'd by erotica but was reticent to try it until now.

I think we can help him.

There he is.

Rea'd the whole bio.

Born in Australia an'd grew up in Californias San Fernan'do Valley.

That must make for an interesting accent.

What the hells he 'doing?

Hes an awar'd-winning photojournalist whose specialty is combat photography.

They say hes fearless.

Hes never been traine'd.

Fast-forwar'd to the en'd of the interview.

But one more thing.

-What? -You didn't list your sexual fantasies.

You do have sexual fantasies?

Doesn't everybody?

Be honest. You're not comfortable talking about them.

Not really. That's why I want to go to the island.

Who else sees this tape? Does everybody get interviewed like this?

Hes going to be work. Ill train him myself.

When you get to the islan'd, fin'd this Slater character...

...an'd stick to him like glue.

We 'dont want Slater to know hes the bait.

No, he coul'd panic.

If we tell him we nee'd the film, well know what Omar looks like.

Hes smart. I 'dont want to chance it.

If Omar even suspects that the police are involve'd, he coul'd 'disappear.

It wont be har'd to spot Nina.

How many tall black women are there in the worl'd?

-Hey, Sheila. -Hey, Martha.

Dr. Halifax has sent your plane tickets. When you get there....

-What are you 'doing? -Its wigs, Lieutenant.

For un'dercover on the islan'd. In case they recognize me from the strip club.

How? You were alrea'dy in 'disguise in your stripper cover.

I pointe'd that out to her, sir.

Debbie Gibson?

In a less-than-perfect worl'd.

If you fin'd Nina, I only want you to observe her...

...because we coul'd also use her to get to Omar. I want Omar.

You got it.

-Florence Hen'derson? -No, Mrs. Bra'dy on a binge.

Your itineraries are with your tickets.

Pay attention. Look at me.

Im listening.

Watch your expense accounts. Youre cops, not politicians.

-Goo'd luck. -Roger.

Last one, Fre'd. You call it.

Julio Iglesias, Sasquatch, roa'd-kill... Just 'do your New York thing.

All right.

While I was trying to cover my stringy hair with wigs...

...Omar and Nina were charming their way to the island.

So, thats the favor. You owe me one, Priscilla.

But Dr. Halifax sen'ds me some of my best clients.

Mistress Priscilla, lm rea'dy to be punishe'd.

Look, I have to go to work.

Omar had 30 years in the smuggling business...

...with no arrests and no photos ever taken.

He wanted to retire with a clean slate.

He was obsessed with getting Slater's film.

Look.

You get me on that next guest list thats going to that islan'd.

I'm sorry about Mom.

-Are you going to be okay, Da'd? -Hell, of course I am.

-It just isnt fair. -Of course its fair.

People 'die.

She was 52 years ol'd.

It was her time.

Come on, get in the cab. Im sure the meters running.

Ill call you.

Bye, 'da'd.

Mistress, hes waiting.

Is something wrong? You havent sai'd a wor'd to me all night.

Im just thinking.

Thinking about your mother?

No, my father, actually.

At my mothers funeral, he 'di'dnt cry. Ive never seen him cry.

Eyes straight.

Lets talk about something prettier.

He is attractive.

Especially those eyes.

I woul'dnt know, Mistress. I cant see his eyes.

Come on, its col'd.

Dont look.

Come here, I want to sit 'down.

-Where? -No talking.

No.

Very goo'd, Pretty Eyes.

Now lm going to let you feel what you so very much wante'd to see.

You want me to rock?

Bring him to my room tomorrow night.

June 17, we arrived on a privately-owned island just off the coast of Mexico...

...called Eden.

I thought I'd seen everything. Well, I hadn't.

New guests, please sign in at the hospitality tent.

Its all right. Our citizens will take care of your luggage for you.

Itll be at your accommo'dations.

The citizens traveled by boat, and the guests on chartered planes.

Both paid big bucks for what I was doing free.

Hi, we 'di'dnt meet. Im Bettiann, an'd this is my husban'd Jeffrey.

-Hi. Lucy Smith. How are you? -Fine.

-Im a 'dental hygienist. -Really?

-Do you floss? -Yes.

Step right through to the hospitality tent.

-Because you have no tartar buil'dup. -Tartar? Really?

-This is gonna be fun, huh, Bettiann? -Won'derful, beautiful.

Were in for a treat. I can feel it.

Bob Greenway.

-Welcome, Master. Im here to please you. -Ill 'do anything to give you pleasure.

Wait! Hes just an employee.

Your transportation is over there, sir.

-What can I 'do for you, Master? -Carry my bag.

Thank you.

Im here to serve you.

Use me any way you wish.

-Im here to make your bo'dy tingle. -Is that so?

I believe thats my transportation. Bob Greenway, air-con'ditioning mechanic.

-Ou est ma reservation? Merde! -Madame Randy, c'est pas dans le registre.

-Votre nom n'est pas ici. -Madame Randy.

Mais, non. Attendez une seconde. Voila, je I'ai trouvée.

Idiote!

May I please you?

If you can han'dle it.

Can I just follow the.... Okay, III just....

Last year, I was in a hotel in Miami next to the elevator an'd the ice machine.

What a nightmare.

All night.

-Meet you at the room. -Fine.

-Excuse me, am I near the ice machine? -No, maam, we make it by han'd.

-I will not tolerate being near an-- -Woul'd you please be careful?

Do I get the same person all the time, or 'do they rotate?

Kitty is one of our best citizens. She finishe'd training early.

Okay, in.

There are no locks on the 'doors. Nothing to hi'de here at E'den.

Hotel phones are room-to-room only.

Emergency calls can be ma'de from the office.

Ill be your personal citizen, if it pleases you.

Thrille'd.

I have a little specialty.

Specialty?

Look, lm a new maintenance man. Im not a guest here.

So I 'dont have to 'do the kinky stuff, right?

lm a 'doctor, an'd everybo'dy on this islan'd gets a physical.

Im checking for hernias. Drop your shorts.

Turn your hea'd an'd cough.

Cough.

Turn your hea'd the other way. Cough.

Thats a goo'd boy.

Or shoul'd I say big boy?

-Im on the job here. -Me, too.

I have to be at Mistress Lisas in five minutes.

Shes having a little welcoming tea for the new guests. La'dies only.

-Well 'discuss intimate things. -Lucky you.

You think that was Nina on the plane?

The tall, yellow outfit shouting at everybo'dy in French?

I 'dont think so. Too obvious.

Better keep your eye out for any other possible Ninas.

-Excuse me. -Ive got a list of chores. Oil sex chair.

Wait. I know youre new, but maintenance people are not allowe'd to talk to guests.

I was just asking if there was a gift shop.

-I nee'd to get some tampons. -Definitely.

-Super-absorbency? With o'dor control? -All that.

-Perfect. -Right this way.

Thank you.

Coul'd you connect me with Mrs. Ran'dy?

Elliot wasn't among the regular citizens. He was nowhere to be found.

While Nina and Omar were plotting to find him...

...I checked in to the coffee klatch.

Go on, Nancy.

So after 20 years, he tells me what his sexual fantasies are.

I tell him what my sexual fantasies are.

It turns out that theyre incre'dibly similar, except that now its too late...

...because were in the mi'd'dle of a 'divorce. Such a waste of time...

...an'd goo'd sex.

Again, you must 'discuss your sexual fantasies with your partner.

Are you gonna eat that?

-Any other questions? -Yes, I have two.

First, 'do your parents know you 'do this?

They think that I work at a four-star resort.

Which this is, kin'd of.

Okay, an'd secon'd, how 'do you 'deci'de you wanna be a 'dominatrix?

What 'do you, wake up one 'day an'd go, Hey, I feel like being bossy?

No....

I 'dont mean to pry. You 'dont have to tell me.

No, its all right.

I remember once, there was this birth'day party in high school for the quarterback...

...an'd I volunteere'd to be the present.

He never talke'd to me again.

I just wante'd everybo'dy to like me.

I 'di'dnt even know the guy. An'd there were a few others like him.

But that all change'd when I went to college.

What 'di'd you take, Spanking 101?

Well, it wasnt on the curriculum.

-Its where I met this professor. -An'd Mary Ann....

-Gilligan's Island? -My favorite show.

Im sorry. Conversation interruptus. Continuous, please.

No, it was an English professor.

You see, I went to this very small, conservative school.

And when I was a graduate student, I wrote a paper on Pri'de an'd Preju'dice.

In conclusion, it is apparent that Elizabeth exhibite'd the qualities of a submissive.

She completely gave herself to her man, an'd in 'doing so...

...forgot her own emotional pain.

Youre really busy. I shoul'd go.

Put 'down your books.

Now take off your sweater.

You took off your clothes in his office? I coul'd never 'do that.

Even at home, I take off my clothes in the bathroom, then I jump into be'd quickly.

Which is weir'd, because I live alone.

You see, I was a victim. I woul'd have 'done anything he aske'd.

An'd it wasnt about sex. He never touche'd me.

He seemed to understand what I was going through.

An'd he arrange'd for me to meet a frien'd of his...

...who specialize'd in erotica.

So a large, black limousine picked me up at school...

...and took me to a beautiful mansion with a gigantic iron gate.

I was given a note that said, "Go into the living room...

"...take off your clothes, put on the blindfold, and wait for me."

Hello, my beauty.

Which one woul'd you like?

I nee'd to hear what your fantasy is.

Im here to create an illusion for you, only the illusion.

I am a top, a master.

You are a bottom, a submissive.

Yet, were not 'different.

Were in unison to please each other.

Just tell me your wishes.

An'd welcome to my worl'd.

I 'di'dnt know such a worl'd existe'd.

Its a worl'd in which you have all the choices.

Can I choose to be master?

The best submissives usually become the best masters.

Youre a victim in life. I will teach you to always be in total control.

You will never be a victim again, ever.

Never.

Ever.

I liked being in control. It felt safe.

But isnt there a happy me'dium?

Like, I tie you up one night, you tie me up the next night?

Of course, it woul'd be nice not to be in control an'd still feel safe.

Have you ever?

Anyway, Diana.

I look forwar'd to seeing you all 'during your visit.

My favorite Gilligan episo'de? Kurt Russell as the monkey boy.

-He was cute, even then. -I love that one! Do you remember that?

Kurt Russell was on the islan'd. No one knew he was there.

Follow me, III lea'd you to our fantasy emporium...

...where you can choose one of our fantasies.

That soun'ds fun.

I ha'd a fantasy about Skipper once.

Remember Skipper? He was chubby, but he was cute.

An'd we can also arrange for this fantasy calle'd Love With a Stranger.

Or Having Sex With a Mysterious Lover.

A popular fantasy, especially among women.

No commitment. No wishing the guy calls the next 'day.

No shame or guilt. It wasnt your fault. You were se'duce'd.

An'd you 'di'dnt even know his name.

Now, if youll follow me.

An'd this is another of E'dens fantasies.

Enjoying the pleasure of total submissiveness to voice 'dominance.

An'd being titillate'd by comman'd is nothing to be ashame'd of.

Here we show the secretary 'dominating the boss...

...as one of the most common comman'd fantasies.

Mr. Van'derway, what 'do you want? lts my lunch hour.

Do these 'documents over again in italics.

-An'd give me that letter imme'diately. -No.

What?

-Come crawl over here for it. -Crawl?

Mr. Van'derway, I want you to get 'down on your han'ds an'd knees...

...an'd crawl for my letter.

Yes, Miss Perkins.

Goo'd boss.

As Mr. Van'derway obeys, they both examine the sha'dows of safe, sane...

...an'd submissive sexuality.

Our next fantasy is popular with both sexes.

Sex in Public.

The excitement of getting caught.

How many floors 'does it take you to make love?

In what position 'do you make love in an elevator?

Lets see.

It seems our Sex in Public fantasy is out of or'der.

Now, if youll follow me, well see enactments of the Roman bath.

I 'do it all the time. Its a real kick. Trust me.

-Roman baths. -I once ha'd a terrible toothache in Rome.

Can you tell me where I can fin'd Citizen Elliot?

Were not suppose'd to talk about....

I didn't know it at the time, but Omar was actually on my Fantasy Emporium tour.

If she didn't stop asking me about her teeth...

...I was gonna have to kill her.

No sign of Elliot, but two possible Ninas. How are you 'doing?

All right. This islan'd is way over the top. Man, what a bunch of o'd'dballs.

Will you lighten up? Theyre just expressing what most people suppress.

-On account of it shoul'd be suppresse'd. -Why? Theyre not hurting anybo'dy.

Look, there are some things in life that are just better left un'done.

Why cant these people think about it...

...instea'd of talking an'd acting out, for heavens sake.

It probably gets them past the game-playing?

There was a very interesting scene over there.

There was a business man, this secretary came in--

What are you saying? Youre being sucke'd in--

-Excuse me. -Yes.

-Everyones got to keep up with the group. -Im so sorry.

I think the maintenance man has a little crush on me.

Lt. Malone had said to look for strange behavior.

Well, here, it was hard to tell.

The rest of the day, I looked for Omar.

Omar looked for Elliot.

My "God, I'm good" partner, Fred, concluded that the obvious Mrs. Randy...

...was, in fact, Nina.

He watched her, hoping she'd lead us to Omar.

We came up empty, because Elliot was on the other side...

...of the island doing work detail.

So I decided to treat myself to a massage.

Tommy. Lower.

-Lower? -In fact, no, higher.

What the hell? Any way you like.

Mistress Lisa actually ran a nice place. She designed all the clothes herself.

Her idea was to create these outfits that were...

...as far away from reality as possible.

Our first day on the island, and we made no progress.

Fred took the night shift and almost got electrocuted.

As for me, I went to bed quietly with a book.

Hey! No panting after 2:00 a.m.!

Turned out to be a busy night around the island.

Mistress Lisa's lights were on pretty late.

Stan'd here an'd face the fireplace.

Wait.

Dont be so nosy.

Come in here.

Take off that robe.

Bathe me.

I wanna know you.

I 'dont even know your last name.

Tell me.

You have to go along with the illusion, or else it 'doesnt work.

Now bathe me.

You know how some men like womens legs?

Some like big breasts.

Some like long hair.

You know what I like?

I like butts.

Mens beautiful behin'ds.

You know what I like to 'do to gorgeous butts?

I like to squeeze them, pinch them...

...an'd caress them.

You know what else I love?

I like to rub my bare breasts...

...'down your back...

...an'd over your butt.

You like that, 'dont you?

You know what I like the best?

What I like best is....

-You like that, 'dont you? -No.

Oh, yes.

You are going to be punishe'd with pleasure.

Ive hear'd youre fearless...

...that nothing scares you.

Please, 'dont blin'dfol'd me.

Im covering your eyes, so you can concentrate on what youre feeling.

You like that.

-Tell me you like that. -No.

You like that? Being punishe'd by a woman?

No.

-I think you like it. -No.

I give you permission to like it. Tell me.

No. I 'dont like it.

You like that?

-Do you want me to stop? -No.

Do you like it?

Tell me, or III stop.

Tell me.

Yes.

-Lou'der. I cant hear you. -I cant.

-Why? -I 'dont know.

-Are you ashame'd of it? -Yes.

Its all right, Elliot. You can say it. You can like it.

Youre allowe'd here. Do you like it?

Tell me. Do you like it?

Yes.

I 'do like it.

Thats it.

Let it go.

Goo'd.

Its okay, baby.

Let it out.

Can I stay here tonight?

Yes.

On the floor, Citizen Elliot.

-Woul'd you like a pillow? -No, thank you.

Goo'd night.

Lisa....

Goo'd night.

Lucy. Sorry.

Tommy. I cant believe they 'dont have locks on this 'door.

What are you 'doing here?

I saw you with that mask, an'd I thought you wante'd to play ban'dit girl.

-No. -Come on.

-Ill let you capture me. -No, actually, this is a sleeping mask.

See those tiki torches out there? I felt like I was on an airport runway.

Are there any other fun games you might wanna play?

Sleeping. Sleepings fun for me. Im gonna get back to it right now, in fact.

Im gonna 'dream about fantasies that maybe we can 'do some other time, okay?

All right.

-Lucy? -Yes?

I coul'd sleep on the floor by you an'd wake you up in the morning.

I 'dont really nee'd a human alarm clock.

I coul'd use a human 'door lock.

Why 'dont you go lay in front of the 'door, an'd you can play guar'd boy?

-Guar'd boy. I can 'do that. -You like that?

All right, Tommy. Go ahea'd. Run along.

-You got it. -See you in the morning.

Ill be stepping over you. Okay.

-Bye. -Goo'd to see you.

Thanks for stopping in.

This pleasure islan'd is starting to get to me.

Its affecting my work now. Like to'day, I mean, I went berserk.

Nobody seemed to care.

Their sex sensors are numb.

Well, the flesh is weak.

An'd I think about other things to 'distract myself.

Small-engine repair.

Elliot, I was just 'dreaming.

What are you 'doing?

Allow me to please you.

You 'dont have to 'do anything. Just let me please you.

Elliot.

Yes.

-What are you doing? -I'm kissing you. Do you mind?

You know, its like, you see the flesh all the time, the nake'dness.

But is the anticipation more exciting, or the actual nake'd flesh itself?

Trying to sort it all out. A little confuse'd.

I 'dont care. Im rea'ding the last page.

Lisa Emerson.

Why 'di'd I tell him my name?

Our second day on the island was Sports Day.

Faster, come on.

Peanuts. Fresh peanuts over here.

The roller race is open to guests, trainers and citizens.

The victor will win a private audience with Mistress Lisa.

Exhibition tennis is available on the upper level.

We hope you all participate in Sports Day.

-All right, Lucy. Show em what you got. -Come on, serve it.

Thats the man. I got it.

Erotic art here. Art through the ages.

Ben Wah balls!

-What are they use'd for? -Can I buy that?

Marital ai'ds, marital ai'ds, come vibrate with me.

Wanna punish me for those two points?

No, I think I'd like to go 'down to the beach now.

-Hey, how are you 'doing? -All right.

-Kicke'd ass in volleyball. -I knew you ha'd it in you.

Its tough to spike in curtains.

My mother ha'd that pattern in her living room.

-Have you seen Slater aroun'd? -No.

We gotta solve this case soon, because hanging aroun'd here...

...I am so horny. You ever get horny?

In high school.

-I am getting so arouse'd. -Spare me.

Is this really where were all hea'de'd?

Some, yes. Some of us, no.

-Youre a hit. -What?

Everyones talking about you. They want you in the ring toss.

-What? -Something about your physical. Big boy?

-Get out of here. -Im getting aggressive.

Im requesting Citizen Elliot to my room.

-Im on the job. Ill see you later. -Ill be wee'ding.

Fix that gong. Im sick of seeing broken gongs all over this islan'd.

Citizen Julie, report to the sticky-buns booth.

Thats me. Excuse me. On my way.

Big boy, huh?

En'd of the line, maam.

I'd heard from my slave man, Tommy, that the people in work detail...

...were being let off to participate in Sports Day.

I thought there was finally a chance to request Slater.

Come in.

-This is Citizen Elliot, as you requeste'd. -Thank you.

-Hi. -Hello.

Lucy.

What woul'd you like to 'do? Perhaps a massage?

This is my first time. I was hoping maybe we coul'd talk first.

Do you think we coul'd 'do this after lunch?

Whats the matter, cant talk on an empty stomach?

-No, its not that. -Its my hair, isnt it?

-What? -Its my hair. You can say.

I can see it. Its limp. Its stringy. Its not hanging right.

No, not at all. Youre very nice, Lucy. Its just, well, the race is about to start.

Oh, that rollerbla'ding thing. Yes, I hear the announcements.

Lucky me. I get the room right next to the gong.

I wante'd to enter that race.

Oh, really? Di'd you hear first prize? You get to spen'd time with Mistress Lisa.

Yeah, I want that privilege.

-You got a crush? -We just got to know each other a little.

You have a big crush.

-It soun'ds pretty corny. -What?

Just relax, breathe, preten'd lm Oprah. Come on, you can tell me.

Okay.

Have you ever been with somebo'dy that actually ma'de violin music...

...play in your hea'd?

Skinny girls hear violins. Not-so-skinny girls hear French horns.

I know what you mean.

-Di'd you tell her? -I wish I coul'd.

Thats the problem, I cant. I 'dont know how.

I cant get close to her. She wont talk to me.

Thats tough. You know, scary.

You tell someone, you 'dont know what theyll say.

Once a year, I go to the Gran'd Canyon.

I scream, I like you, just so I can hear back, I like you, I like you.

Attention skaters. Last call for the rollerblade race.

Go on, get out of here.

-I promise III come back. -All right.

Here, hol'd this.

-Hey, Elliot? -Yeah?

-I hear youre a photographer. -Yeah.

Think you can take some pictures for me?

No, they took my camera away from me an'd stuck it in storage with my other stuff.

I 'dont know where it is.

-Really? Has anyone else requeste'd you? -No, lve been on work 'detail.

Just curious. Go ahea'd. Youre late.

-Thank you. -Hey, Elliot?

-Be careful out there. -Your hair is just fine.

You think?

A guy takes off his pants to leave my room.

Skaters, take your places.

On your marks.

-Get set. -Wait!

An'd theyre off.

-What the hell was that? -Hey, wait! You forgot your number!

The race turned out to be the turning point in the investigation.

Go, Elliot!

Slater was out there for all the world to see, including Omar.

Come on!

Fred was supposed to cover the event, but he had to feed the fish.

If you ask me, they feed those fish too much. Those are chubby koi.

Elliot was no Olympic skater, but he gave it his all.

Yes!

He won.

-The winner is Citizen.... -Citizen Elliot.

Citizen Elliot. His number must have been torn off from passion.

Heres your number.

Its my lucky number.

-Riba, lm sorry. -Its okay.

Are you rea'dy for us? Do you wanna 'do a threesome?

Well, not really.

Watching you two will be such a joy. My names Tillington, from Guilfor'd.

Congratulations on the race. You were very goo'd.

Thank you.

Mistress Lisa....

After the race, Omar made his move. And lucky for us, so did Mistress Lisa.

-I think it woul'd be a goo'd i'dea. -Goo'd.

Im sorry. I cant allow this. We 'dont permit voyeurism.

But thats my fantasy.

Citizen Elliot hasnt complete'd his training.

-Sen'd him to his quarters. -I 'dont min'd if he hasnt finishe'd.

-Now, Richar'd. -Citizens quarters.

-Lets go, Citizen Elliot. -Im sorry, Mr....

-Tillington, from Guilfor'd. -From Guilfor'd, thats right.

Im sure Kitty can fin'd many ways to please you.

Yeah, lets go get Citizen Joy. Shes really pretty, an'd shes got peanuts.

I 'dont want peanuts.

-Do you have a problem with that, Richar'd? -No, Mistress.

If I may....

You may not.

Since when 'dont we permit voyeurism?

Since Mistress Lisa starte'd to get soft on a citizen.

We shoul'd give Elliot to a harsher guest.

Come in.

Im sorry. Were not going to be able to grant your request.

Elliot Slater is with another guest.

-With who? -Mrs. Ran'dy.

Sorry. Maybe tomorrow.

Come in.

Mrs. Ran'dy, Citizen Elliot is here for your pleasure.

I guess lm your fantasy.

Quiet. Down on your knees.

Kiss my thigh.

Come on.

Go'd, youre so boring. Cant you 'do anything right?

Now, turn aroun'd.

Were going to play a game, a question game.

An'd the question game has only one question.

-Where is the camera? -Hello?

Is Elliot Slater.... What are you 'doing with him?

-Anything I like. Do you min'd? -As a matter of fact, I 'do.

You see, I have a 2:30 appointment with him. Hes mine.

-I got all 'dresse'd up in this outfit-- -Spare me the 'details.

Get out of my room.

Do you have a confirmation?

-A confirmation? -Yes, a confirmation.

No, I wasnt given one.

Well, guess what? I was. Your loss. Get with the program.

You, with me, now.

Get up. Take off the robe. I like that thong thing. Walk tall.

Tell me I look gorgeous from behin'd.

You blew it again, an'd this time you werent even sneezing.

-You coul'd have helpe'd. -No, you 'do the killing, I 'do the thinking.

Now what?

You stay here, an'd you wait.

I know that New York girl. I know that soun'd.

-Whats going on? -Listen, lm not a 'dental hygienist.

My name is not Lucy Smith. I 'di'd not come to this islan'd to have fun.

I came to this islan'd for one reason.

-Elliot. -Yeah?

-You are to go on work 'detail now. -No. Hey!

Mistress Lisas or'ders superse'de everything.

An'dre will be happy to fin'd you a replacement.

Well, I 'dont want a replacement! I woul'd like Elliot!

Hey, Skin an'd Bones! You, Toothpick Girl!

How can I fulfill your fantasy?

Go paint my house.

-This fruit plate will be better for you. -Thanks.

Now, thats an outfit to crawl for.

May I 'do my specialty?

No, I 'dont feel like having my toes sucke'd right now.

-You sure? -Yes, I am.

-Listen-- -May I fee'd you?

No, you can answer a question for me, though.

If I wante'd to fin'd out where Citizen Elliot was, how woul'd I go about it?

Are you gonna replace me?

No, never.

Then, why?

I just nee'd to talk to him. Can you go get him for me?

-Right away. -Yes, thank you.

You know, its a lot quicker if you walk.

Look at this, he took out the see'ds.

Mistress!

Here are his bags.

-Tommy brought them from storage. -Look at the way he packs.

Hes changing his clothes. He thinks this is his special meeting for winning the race.

I ma'de a fool of myself at that race...

...hopping off my horse like some jealous bir'dbrain.

-Why 'di'dnt you stop me? -Im only a citizen.

Ive traine'd hun'dre'ds of men an'd women.

Ive create'd fantasies for them.

Ive gotten them in touch with their 'deepest feelings.

How come this photographers gotten to me?

-Im only a citizen. -Will you stop saying that?

Youve watche'd me train, youre smart, youre going to be a trainer yourself.

So tell me, what 'do you think?

Maybe this Elliot opene'd up your feelings a little bit.

-I 'dont want to hear that. -Sorry.

Mistress Lisa?

I finally get to spen'd some time with you...

...alone?

Why are my bags here? Am I moving in?

I have a very important job here...

...that I like, an'd lm goo'd at it.

An'd you have become a 'disruptive influence.

Its my fault as much as it is yours.

So, lm afrai'd you have to leave E'den. Heres your money back.

Diana will make arrangements for you to get home.

Have a goo'd trip.

Excuse me.

What happene'd between last night an'd this morning?

Last night, you ha'd a won'derful bon'dage fantasy an'd I helpe'd you accept it.

Thats what we 'do here.

-It wasnt real. -Yes, but afterwar'ds.

Im a professional, an'd I let it get personal, an'd thats why you have to leave.

One con'dition: you come with me.

-I cant 'do that. -Come on, I won the race.

You owe me time. Come with me. We can go away for a weeken'd.

-I have money. -Elliot....

Diana says you love the South. We can go to New Orleans.

-You like New Orleans. -I 'dont have time.

An'd lm not intereste'd in relationship stuff.

Its not serious. We can stay in separate rooms.

We just have fun.

We go away, we have fun, an'd we see if you an'd I are real.

I cant believe you want to 'deny what we feel.

Youre so sweet.

-Sweet? -Yeah.

She says lm sweet.

Sweet means III en'd up in New Orleans alone, listening to a banjo.

All right, III think about it.

Okay.

We are going.

Diana?

I just brought Elliots luggage to Mistress Lisa. That means hes being sent away.

-Sent away where? -I 'dont know. Only she woul'd know.

But if youre looking for two guys, Citizen Lars is available.

Actually, no!

lts my 'dream just to make you happy.

Yeah, you an'd every man. I really have to see Mistress Lisa.

Thats my thigh there, Tom.

No, my breasts.

Okay, listen, why 'dont you take a shower? How about that?

Maybe 'do some pushups, who knows? Fix the room. It coul'd use a little spackle.

Dont you think?

Got to run. Love to stay an'd talk. Ill be back before you can say fetish.

I hate these garters.

You like this?

Are you enjoying your stay on the islan'd?

You know, the secrets to get involve'd, to get with the program.

This better be important.

-Is your mistress here? -What?

-Is your mistress here? -No. She went to see Mistress Lisa.

-Alone? -Yes.

Take care of the get-with-the-program girl, III go fin'd our photographer.

Ill meet you out by the golf cart.

Pleasure to meet you.

That was nice.

This better be important. Im a busy man.

Mistress Lisa took a cart.

-So? -She was with Citizen Elliot.

They ha'd luggage, they talke'd about New Orleans...

...they went towar'd her plane.

The whereabouts of Mistress Lisa is privilege'd information.

Is that so? lm a cop. LAPD. Where is she?

She an'd Citizen Elliot left the islan'd. Whats wrong?

Nothing yet. Can you 'do me a favor?

Can you go get that new maintenance man, that Marv....

-Greenway. Utica, New York. -Right.

-Absolutely. -Thank you very much.

Here we go.

Bingo.

Get off of me!

Whoa! Pardonnez-moi!

Shes trying to kill me, you i'diot!

-Cuff her! -I 'dont have any cuffs!

The only two people on this islan'd without han'dcuffs!

-Let me go! -Wheres Slater?

He left with Lisa. No sign of Omar.

Tie her up.

Nina Blackstone....

Are you gonna tell us where your partner is?

I 'dont know what youre talking about. Im a guest here.

Right. Listen to me!

-Dont bite him! -Let me go! Youve ma'de a mistake!

Youre un'der arrest.

-Rea'd her her rights. -You have the right to remain silent.

-Anything you say will be use'd against you. -Stop it!

-Keep your toes 'down! -No!

-No? -No.

Now, that is something I woul'd not have been capable of.

My 'de'ductions are saying Omar is still on this rock.

But we still 'dont know what he looks like.

Yes, I'd like to put a person-to-person call through to New Orleans, please.

Will you stop a minute? lm trying to talk business.

We take him out on the Avenue tonight.

We all point to him an'd say, Hey, theres Tom Cruise!

He sells his autograph, an'd we split the money.

-He 'doesnt look like Tom Cruise. -My wife thinks he looks like Tom Cruise.

-Speak. -Latte?

-Yeah. -Omar.

Mr. Omar, how you 'doing? My 'da'd gets out on parole in four months.

-I'm driving his cab. -Thats nice. You give him my best wishes.

I have to go to New Orleans for a couple of 'days. I nee'd a favor.

You coming here? Great!

While we were turning Nina over to the San Diego Police...

...Omar was making plans to go kill Slater himself.

He hired a street-band musician, Latte Chavez, to help until he arrived.

-All right, lets go to work. -I know who it is. He looks like Bra'd Pitt.

He 'doesnt look like Bra'd Pitt either.

Bra'd Pitt? He looks like Tom Cruise!

Youre an awful lot of fun to be with.

I can be fun.

I just get pai'd to be mean.

Subjects A an'd B lan'de'd in a white, twin-engine Cessna 421...

...change'd clothes at the River Terrace Hotel...

...an'd went imme'diately to Bourbon Street with the rest of the yahoos.

Latte out.

-Its Tom Cruise. -Its not.

-It is. -Its not.

-I swear it is. -Thats Bra'd Pitt.

-No, it is not! -It is.

Theyre on foot. Ive switche'd to a rente'd car...

...a sweet Beemer.

What 'do I like to 'do best in be'd?

-I like to giggle. -Giggle?

Cu'd'dle an'd giggle.

After a har'd 'day of smacking people, its nice to cu'd'dle.

Cu'd'dle?

You mean, just cu'd'dle?

The next morning, an island-hopping food-supply plane left Eden.

Stashed among the food was a Mr. Tillington of Guilford.

A credit-card check found Lisa and Elliot at a hotel in New Orleans.

We were on our way, racking up the frequent-flyer miles.

Come on, slowpoke, get 'dresse'd.

Its a beautiful 'day outsi'de, an'd were going to have some fun.

What 'do you have there? lm starving.

Croissants from the French Quarter.

I 'dont nee'd butter with my....

Now, pay attention. This is an ol'd Australian recipe.

Thank you.

One stick of butter...

...at room temperature.

Di'd you see Last Tango in Paris?

No.

An'd a sprinkle...

...of cinnamon.

Australian kink.

Bon appetit.

Excuse me.

Im sorry.

Yes?

Mistress Lisa, this is Richard.

While you were kidnapping a guest, all hell broke loose here.

-I un'derstan'd. I got it. -Did you know what Mrs.--

Who was that?

Richar'd.

Quite a moo'd breaker.

He thinks I ki'dnappe'd you.

He what?

I broke my own rule, taking you off the islan'd.

-So are you going back? -I have to. Im the boss.

If lm the boss, why 'do I have to go?

I always wante'd to go see New Orleans. Im here right now!

I 'dont know what lm 'doing.

An'd lm whining.

Come on.

-Where are we going? -Thats a surprise.

This is one of our loveliest antebellum mansions in the area.

Antebellum means anything...

...that was before the War of Northern Aggression.

Please, come right on in.

Yall watch your step, now. Be careful. An'd yes, you can take photographs in here.

-I always wante'd to come here. -Why?

My mother was born in New Orleans.

-Speak. -Latte, I'm here!

What took you so long?

Now, yall can buy your souvenirs from the souvenir stan'd over there after the tour.

This is the famous Beauregar'd staircase.

Unfortunately, the secon'd floor isnt open to us because of renovations...

...but lm sure well all be more than satisfie'd with the family heirlooms...

...were fixin to see 'downstairs.

Fred and I arrived in New Orleans...

...and found a guy in the Big Easy who really wasn't that easy.

Why are you busting our chops?

-Ill tell ya. I hate cops an awful lot. -Im gonna kill him.

An'd it 'doesnt matter that this is a life-an'd-'death issue?

Nope.

Do you want us to bribe you with money?

Nope.

-You want to see me nake'd? -Now, thats an i'dea.

What 'do you think, Fre'd?

I think thats a US Co'de violation, Section 616, Subparagraph 5A.

-What woul'd that be? -Sexual Harassment of a Peace Officer.

-Exactly what I thought. -Okay, you win.

She bought tour tickets: plantation, mansion, wante'd to see Tara.

Come on, I 'dare you.

Yall follow me back to the gar'dens...

...where well view the jasmine-covere'd gazebo.

Watch your step, now. Flagstone is slippery.

Look.

Its a beautiful...

...be'droom.

I just thought it woul'd be great to...

...be alone in a tra'ditional Southern be'droom with....

No equipment.

Just us.

No party tricks.

You okay with that?

This lovely garden and charming tennis court...

...was the site of Mr. Beauregard's wedding...

...to the exquisite Miss Ophelia Prescott.

One of the most extravagant nuptials for the period...

...it epitomized the Romantic Era.

You okay?

Yeah, its....

I feel a little awkwar'd in this position.

Just relax.

At 3:45, a tourist spotted a man fitting Omar's description...

...outside the Beauregard Mansion.

He was dressed to kill.

Every time you want a job 'done properly, you have to 'do it yourself.

Omar was running out of time, and he was running out of accents.

Hi, I won'der if you coul'd help me.

Hi, I won'der if you coul'd help me.

Di'd you see a young couple come in here a while back?

Shes very pretty, re'd'dish-brown hair.

Shes my cousin Annabelle an'd her boyfrien'd.

Perhaps if you bought a fan.

Sure, III buy a fan. Ill have that one.

We have to leave this place exactly how we foun'd it.

Yeah, sure.

This shoul'd be it.

Excuse me.

Mr. Tillington, what are you 'doing here?

Actually, lm here to take Mr. Slaters camera an'd all his film.

Why?

You were unfortunate enough to take a rare photograph of me.

In fact, the only photograph taken of me since the thir'd gra'de.

The guy at the baggage claim!

The camera.

-Go 'downstairs, Lisa. -You sit still.

The camera.

-Theres the tour. -Yeah.

The camera!

-Take this si'de? -You bet!

Police!

Look, theyre reenacting something.

Police! Out of the way!

Look, that woman has a gun.

Is she on our tour?

Hol'd it!

I 'di'dnt. I swear, I coul'dnt.

Sorry lm late. I got hung up on the wisteria.

-Police! You okay? -Yeah.

Sheila, 'duck!

Reenactment, my ass!

Partner!

You look like Eva Marie Saint.

Go'd, Fre'd, youre goo'd.

LAPD! Hi!

Were tourists here, too! Were really enjoying Louisiana!

We love New Orleans! Who 'dat?

Omar survived the fall with two broken legs, two gunshot wounds...

...and he's now in traction.

His photograph was in over 65 newspapers, in color.

Summers. Whos Summers?

-Home with Mom an'd Da'd like you? -Get out of there!

-You say he was trying to steal your purse? -He 'di'd take my purse.

An'd when you woul'dnt give it to him, he punche'd you.

An'd when I was laying on the floor, he took my wallet an'd my keys.

-Di'd you get a goo'd look at him? -Of course I 'di'd! It was my husban'd!

Why are you still with him?

Everything is in his name: the house, the car. Where am I suppose'd to live?

-How will I survive? -I 'dont know how you survive'd this long.

Its your fourth time this month.

Stop letting this man control your life.

You okay, la'dy?

But I 'dont even know if you can tell its Omar. I was shooting blin'd.

Well 'develop it an'd let you know. Thanks for all your help, okay?

-Hes all yours. -I'd like to take that statement.

-Okay. -Miss Emerson, you all right?

-Yes, I woul'd like to go. -Sure.

-Ill 'do my statement. It wont take long. -I want to go back to the hotel.

Listen, well just be 'down the hall. You can ask for the squa'd room. All right?

Come on, Fre'd.

Fre'd, come on.

-Why? -Come on, Fre'd!

You know, youve gotten real bossy since that 'damn islan'd.

-You okay? -Just tire'd.

I thought I was going to lose you.

I love you, Lisa Emerson.

-I really nee'd to get out of this buil'ding. -Okay.

Ill meet you back at the hotel, soon as I can.

Taxi!

Sheila, hi.

-Bonnie, how are you? -Great.

If you see Fre'd, woul'd you tell him lm 'double-parke'd outsi'de?

I sure will.

Thanks.

Youre welcome.

See you.

Nice seeing you...

...Bonnie.

Bye, thanks for your help.

I got that stuff faxe'd, so lm rea'dy to take off.

Your ex-wife is here.

Shes outsi'de. What is she 'doing in New Orleans?

I flew her in for the weeken'd.

Were actually talking about maybe taking a shot at putting it back together.

Thats nice.

See you in the office on Mon'day.

Nice job, partner.

Were both goo'd.

Thanks.

Why are we preten'ding that your bag isnt buzzing?

-You bought a vibrator! -Just a razor.

-Fre'd got a vibrator! -Just a little....

I knew it! Yes, you 'di'd! I cant believe you!

-Di'd you get it on the islan'd? -Yes.

They ha'd a 'discount for employees. Its for Bonnie.

-See you back in LA, partner. -All right.

Im ovulating.

An egg was just release'd into my fallopian tube.

Another one just 'droppe'd. Its in my uterus.

I love that guy.

Hello?

-Hello, Mr. Slater. -Oh, it's you.

Try to control your excitement.

You left your broken camera here at the station.

You can sen'd it over to me.

-She left? -How'd you know?

I can hear it in your voice. Im sorry.

She left a note. She went back to the islan'd.

I have to go to the island tomorrow.

They foun'd your film. If you want to hop a ri'de with me, III see what I can 'do.

I 'di'dnt hear what you sai'd. Di'd you say.... Coul'd you hol'd on a secon'd?

I am on the phone here.

Sugar, calm 'down. Youre gonna have yourself a heart attack.

Sugar, calm 'down.

Hello?

Sugar, he hung up!

Mistress Lisa!

Theres a visitor here to see you.

-Heres the film. -Thank you very much.

-Thank you for saving my life. -Got a minute?

Sure.

This is none of my business, an'd you can tell me to butt out.

Elliot tol'd me what happene'd.

Butt out.

You two seeme'd to have something special.

You sai'd I coul'd tell you to butt out.

I sai'd you coul'd tell me. I 'di'dnt say that I woul'd 'do it.

You think I came all this way just to get the film?

Havent you hear'd of Fe'deral Express?

Why 'di'd you come?

I wante'd to talk to you about Elliot.

Theres nothing to talk about.

Lisa, listen to me.

-Lisa, Miss, Ma'dam, Dominatrix.... -Wait, you listen to me.

You saw those women at the station?

Sure, I saw.

You know what they all ha'd in common?

They all gave up control.

Come on, you cant run your life from a couple of poor souls 'down at a precinct.

I know a lot of women involve'd in healthy relationships.

Youre kin'd of corny for a cop.

Listen, lve ha'd my share of ba'd times with men, okay?

Some are assholes, Elliot is not.

If we 'dont cultivate the goo'd ones, there arent gonna be any.

Im sorry, I have to go.

For what its worth, Elliot tol'd me to tell you theres an ol'd Australian saying:

It aint over till the fat kangaroo sings.

Bye, Mistress Lisa.

Im going to take a nap. I 'dont want to be 'disturbe'd.

-Why are you smiling? -No reason at all.

You look....

I came back to get 'down on one knee an'd propose.

But it seems over'done, so I thought I'd try it this way.

Will you marry me?

You mean, like, leave here, meet your parents...

...buy a con'do, holi'days?

You want me to cook?

No, our marriage, love...

...family, fantasy, erotic, whatever we 'deci'de.

Can you help me? Diana tie'd this a little too tight.

-Babies an'd bon'dage, I coul'd 'do both? -Yeah.

I'd love to say, My wife is a 'dominatrix.

I coul'd just see myself at the ki'ds school on career 'day.

-I left New Orleans because-- -I 'dont want to know.

Im gonna love you forever.

-Even if lm scare'd? -Even if youre petrifie'd.

Ill see you on the plane.

-I love'd all the citizens: Art, Shawn-- -Thank you so much, really.

Sheila Kingston. Thank you.

Sheila.

I was rea'dy to catch the boat. I wante'd to say goo'd-bye.

You look really goo'd in clothes.

-What happene'd to your han'd? -Nothing.

I 'di'dnt recognize you without your thong an'd chains.

-Di'd you get fire'd? -No, I 'dont work here.

I come here a couple of times a year just for a little fun an'd relaxation.

Sure, I see.

One of my factories is in Los Angeles...

-...where I hear youre with the police. -Yes, I am.

I won'der if maybe we coul'd have 'dinner sometime?

-Really? -Yeah.

I 'dont know. I never really thought about it.

Take my car'd.

Youre a CEO.

Yes, I am.

-This is the final boarding call. -I have to go catch the plane.

-You look great. -You look great.

-Bye. -Ill see you.

Bye.

Bye.

-Di'd you see that? -C'est I'amour de jeunesse.

Au revoir. Croissant.

You know, I have always ha'd this fantasy...

...about being with a kin'd man.

With an incre'dible derriere.

So, I'm a matchmaker.

Lisa and Elliot are getting married on July 4.

To send a present, they're registered at Tiffany's in the leather department.

Nina Blackstone is serving time in prison.

I hear she calls the bingo game every Friday night:

"B-14."

"N-21."

Omar got three life sentences, and with our parole system...

...will probably be out in three months.

I'm on my second date with CEO Tommy Miller.

He helped my fantasies come true last Saturday...

...by sending over four men who painted my house.

What did I learn from this case?

No matter what your sexual preference, true love is still the ultimate fantasy.

l-14.

B-6.

G-Whiz.

Listen, all of you people out there...

...don't kill anyone.

Prison stinks.