Original subtitles

All right, are you listening?

I think I'll start with open the effing straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll

be living in hell.

And then at the end, maybe throw in praise be to Allah.

You think I should type praise be to Allah, and that's from you, the

of the United States? Yes, yes. Allah.

They say Allah.

It's a sarcastic attack on the world's largest religion. They famously have a

great sense of humor about that kind of stuff.

As your press secretary, this puts me in a tough position, sir.

Oh, don't worry about that, Caroline. Like I said to Pam Bondi and Kristi Noem

right before I fired them, you're doing a terrific job.

Thank you, sir. I love you, too.

All three of those were played by Ashley. It's an interesting detail.

There are a lot of important things happening in the world right now, and I

to make some urgent phone calls.

Hello? Tiger, it's Donald.

What's going on, buddy? Are you playing in the Masters this weekend?

Uh, no, sir. I don't know if you'll remember, but I flipped my car and got a

DUI. Oh, right.

A Dewey.

As in, do we drive on pills? Yes, we do.

That's a good one, Mr. President.

You should have told the cops we were friends who would have let you off.

Well, I did, and they didn't. Ah.

If only there were something I could have done to help. Oh, well.

Want to play some golf?

I'm actually at a rehab facility in Switzerland at the moment.

Oh, and how's the course there?

Oh, well, actually, there's no golf. You see, I don't know why... Okay, who

else?

Oh, wait, who's this? I don't recognize the number.

Hello?

Hello, Donald.

Melania, you're calling me? That's not a good sign.

Listen, I decided I should do a big, random speech completely out of nowhere

say, I am not Epstein victim.

Is that good?

Uh, darling, I gotta admit that sounds a little insane.

Who are you, me?

Well, it's not just Epstein. I thought I could also say I, Melania Trump, in no

way helped out the Gilgo Beach serial killer.

That way no one is suspicious.

Darling, I think that's gonna make everyone way more suspicious.

Okay, okay. What if I announce I barely partied with Didi? Would that help?

You know, Melania, I'd really love to talk more, but I have a meeting with

Ronald Reagan.

Let's see. Anything else I'm forgetting? There's got to be something.

All right. The war.

What?

Pete, it's President Trump.

What's up?

Sorry, Mr. President, I didn't know it was you. I just said unknown caller.

So I figured I'd just answer and say a couple military secrets.

That's wonderful. That's great. So what's the latest on that whole thing

doing in Iran?

Well, rest assured, sir, Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night,

allegedly.

We've destroyed everything. We've wet their willies, tapped their sacks, and

purpled every single nurple.

You also probably heard that I want to start a draft again, which is a great

sign for the ceasefire.

Yeah, except this time, we're fighting millennial cringe by letting 40 -year

-olds join the military.

Yeah, put that finger mustache to work pulling a trigger.

Really good, really good.

That's great. That one for sure hits with me.

But, sir, you know, I got to ask, is it true what I heard? Are you actually

negotiating with these Herbs?

You know what? Don't worry about the negotiations.

I just heard they're going really, really bad.

I sent in my secret weapon, J .D. Vance.

After those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to J .D., they said, please,

just go back to bombing us.

Yeah, very good, sir. Even hearing about someone getting bombed just got me hard

as hell.

That's great. That's great. I'm bricked as well. All right. Well, keep up the

good work, Pete. And if you think of a good reason why we went to war, could

let me know?

Honestly, sir, if I were you, I'd probably just tell them, we did it all

nookie. What? The nookie. Come on. So we can take their oil and stick it in our

cars. Stick it in our cars.

Stick it in our cars.

$7 a gallon. Hey, Seth out.

And live from New York, Saturday night.