Original subtitles

A lot of us out there, I guess we raid tonight.

You feeling better?

Whatever you took, I think you vom -vom most of it up by now.

You know,

I was lucky you called me when you did.

One hell of a reunion, am I right?

Have we met?

You're kidding.

Cooper.

Jamie Cooper.

Shazam, baby.

You just got coopered.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Remind me?

Man, we were partners.

Fresh out of the academy for like a week. And then you suddenly got

out of nowhere. Remember?

You said it was out of your hands. That it was Gelman's call.

And I was all like, fuck this. I'm going to call Gelman. And you were like, this

is on the temporary.

I can fix this.

And then you promised that we would always be partners.

That was 13 years ago. Yeah, Cooper.

Cooper. Right.

I remember.

Yeah. Hey, man.

How you been?

Good, man. Just good.

You know, God is good. Blessed. Blessed, mainly.

Look at you now, huh?

FBI, the big show, world by the ball, moon by the dick. Remember, we used to

it all the time.

Right. I had forgotten that.

That's right, man.

You love grabbing that moon by the dick, man.

Oh, right.

Yeah. Forgotten.

We should probably get you some clothes, huh?

That'd be great. Yeah, can't have your balls all over my seat.

No.

Hey, dispatch, this is car 14. Can I get some clothes in here, please?

What do you want, like a men's medium to large or something like that? Yeah,

that'd be great. You get like a men's medium to large.

You want bikini briefs or boxers, whatever they got.

Let's go with bikini briefs.

Hello, anybody there?

Yes, car 14, we're here. We were away, but now we're back. That's the news. You

want the weather?

The weather? Yeah, slightly cloudy with a 90 % chance of deal with it yourself.

We're on our union coffee break.

I'm so happy to be back in dispatch.

Honestly, I don't think corrections was my thing.

Oh, please. With your big old raccoon eyes and soft skin, they loved you in

big house.

That's why I'm on trauma leave, Janice. No, we're on trauma leave.

Well, boy, threw that stuff at me, not you.

Some of that piss flashed back on me, too.

But you don't see me whining? No, because we got six months.

All I'm saying is I won't miss it. Well, I sure as hell won't miss the chomos

and the dump truck. But I'll miss some of those kitty kitties.

I think mostly I'll miss the slang.

Hey, you guys got some toilet paper?

Apparently there's a raid on tonight and I gotta go coil some rope.

No, Duncan.

We ain't a Walmart scram.

I was told there were some supplies in here. Feed it before you catch a ho

-check.

Come on.

We hold the TP.

We hold the respect.

Easy. There's a dozen more eight -packs in the closet, and the key to that is in

my prison pocket.

Prison pocket?

Yeah, you know, my prison safe.

My Mexican hideout, my boom -boom room, my warm juice box.

Did you learn anything in there?

God. Your vagina.

Yeah.

How are you feeling after last night's excitement?

Feels like somebody blow darted me in the neck.

Yeah. Are you Terry?

We met briefly last night, but I don't expect you to remember.

Ah, the great Terry spelled with a Y.

Finally. Am I being punished for shooting that agent? You're not in

No one is in trouble. Is she alive?

Is everything okay?

Everything is fine.

Yes, Jeff?

Sorry to interrupt.

The bear traps are definitely going at the southern entrance, right?

Jeff, we have talked about this. We have mines at the southern entrance. The

bear traps go at the western gates near the electrified fence.

Thank you, Jeff.

Not so easy after all, huh? You're that jerk I let into the compound.

And you're the asshole who thought he could do my job better than me. Yeah, I

don't know anything about that. I was just doing my job. You sucked at your

Thank you, Jeff.

That'll be all.

So, Dirk Cumberson, tell me why you thought you were in trouble.

I don't want to.

Okay, let's expand on that. Why not?

Because you're now recording me for some reason?

And why wouldn't you want this conversation recorded?

Look, I didn't do anything, okay?

What did you tell me right before we started recording?

Okay, look, I would like for me and Sue to get a refund and just go home.

I understand.

Okay, let me get the form for you both to sign. I can sign for it. You both

signed it over, so that's how we get it back.

Yes, but... It's okay.

It's okay. I'll just check with Sue if she feels the same way about refunding

your donation.

Uh, donation?

That's our life savings.

Life savings?

As a society, we really have to pay our teachers more.

Are those clothes?

Getting to me, I really feel like I should be getting ready to rage.

You need to rest.

Oh, God.

It's all so hazy.

We went into the cult to try and find a drug lab or something, but then Rizzoli

went for a massage.

And the last thing I remember, I was with Terry in the yurt, and she served

some kind of weird tea. And I remember thinking, this is a nice yurt, but is

like, cult leader nice?

You don't remember calling me?

I called you? Why?

First I thought your phone had been stolen by a very sad teenage girl.

I was crying or what? Man, you were hysterical.

And then when I found you, you were butt -ass naked, clawing in the dirt with

your hands, like a malnourished raccoon. You said you were putting in a pool and

it'd be done soon, so I should go put on my swim trunks. Oh, God, I don't

remember any of this. No judgment here, man. We've all had those nights.

When the Cavs beat Golden State in 2016, I got blackout drunk.

And when I came to, I was in a chat room with a German cannibal.

Where's Rizzoli?

Do you know?

Is that the ATF lady?

She's in a hospital in a coma. Yeah, she got shot.

What the fuck happened? Nobody knows.

She was wearing a wire, apparently, but all it picked up was crotch moisture.

Fuck me, no. God damn it. This was supposed to be my... Waco?

No, I don't think it's not a Waco. Is it a Waco?

State, local, federal. I mean, I hear there's a big raid on tonight.

I mean, it's not not a Waco.

I am fucked.

Hey, don't go there.

We've been through too much together.

You see, this is the part where there's only one set of footprints in the sand

because I'm going to carry you like Jesus does in that poem over my

toilet.

Who's Dustin? He called like six times.

Dustin? He's kind of like my partner at the FBI.

Cooper, I need to call... Partners don't let partners talk to more recent

partners until they're feeling their best. That is a law.

Sure, but I just need to figure out... Hey, partner.

Come on. Come on now.

Hey, we're not... We're not really partners, you know?

Feels good though, right?

No.

Mm -hmm.

Please stop. Mm -hmm.

It's okay, but just stop making the noise.

Surprise, surprise.

Now on to your side.

Yes, Unit 51. Stand by for further word. Radon compound is still on track for

midnight.

Are you wearing a bulletproof vest?

Where did you get that?

Traded for it, baby. Got it from an ATF agent.

Why? Do we need bulletproof vests?

It's Siege Bingo.

You never played?

You gotta collect a piece of equipment from each agency.

Sheriff's Department, ATF, FBI.

It's fun.

Is it?

Then after, you sell it to dumbass collectors online.

I've scored night vision goggles, a KN muzzle, and in the 90s, I got an ex

-military mint cup. Tundish grenade launcher.

Sold it for a shitload.

You trade with toilet paper.

Well, I use the currency of the day. TP is hot shit right now.

But if we don't need it, then why are you wearing it?

Well, we might need a little. You said mobile dispatch was safe.

It's a siege, fat. Anything could happen. But the flip side is we get paid

rates. And I need this cash injection for my Barbados property thing.

With that Bobby guy?

You're not actually doing that, are you?

I'm not doing it. That Bobby guy is doing it for me. And he's almost closed

deal. Just needs a couple more grand.

What? What's that look?

Have you even met this guy?

Think I'm some kind of patsy? I'll call him right now. You can hear his voice.

Seems like his phone's disconnected.

It happens. You know, it's probably Hurricane.

Since when did you become so cynical?

I don't know, Janet. Maybe someone I work with rubbed off on me.

No, they didn't. They just threw piss at you.

Stop catastrophizing.

Two hours till the raid.

I got some orange Fanta if you want to get the dirt off.

Won't that make my hands sticky?

I don't know, dude. I'm not a scientist.

Oh, you know what?

I bet I know why you called me. My name is Probs at the top of your missed calls

list. Check it out.

Why were you calling me?

Why was I calling you? You've called me eight times here.

Hey, is that what it says right there?

Yeah. Yeah. Must have been really important.

I guess so.

I was probably calling you because I had a favor to ask you. You know, because

of that one time that you said we would always be partners and that you loved

me. Cooper, I really don't have the bandwidth for favors right now. So

me and some of the other guys have been having some skirmishes, some run -ins,

you know, if you will, with a drug cartel, right? But anyway, we seized a

of drugs from them. And then one night, we thought to ourselves, hey, you know

what? We can start making some dough off of this, some real money.

What? So we started selling the drugs back to the community, but also back to

the cartel.

What? Yeah, I know. It makes sense, right?

No. Okay, well, let me finish. Oh, there's more?

Yeah, there's way more.

You see, the problem is that now a journalist has found evidence and is

threatened to do an expose on me and paint me, me, as the bad guy.

Now I know what you're going to say.

This ain't a big deal, Mr. Coop. Stop caring so much. This is a huge deal,

Cooper. But now that you're here, I've had a total brainwave, you know, and,

uh... All I need you to do is call this journalist and tell him that I am part

of an ongoing deep undercover, deep, deep undercover FBI op and that he

back the fuck off. Yeah, no, I'm not doing that. But you just said that you

would help. No, I didn't say that. You mean to tell me you are not going to

me cover up a tiny drug bust by lying to a journalist and saying it was all part

of an FBI operation?

Really? Really?

Really?

Yeah, really.

Wow.

Just, just wow.

Did she sign?

One second.

Yes, Jeff?

Silly question, but do we still have those flamethrowers?

Oh, yes. I last saw them in the garden shed, but I don't know if they had fuel

in them.

No problem. I'll fill them up.

Oh.

Good news and bad news.

Did she sign?

No, that's the bad news from your perspective.

And the good news?

That she didn't sign. That's good from her perspective. You have to look at

everything from different... Perspective. Do you enjoy toying with

lives like this? Turning wives against husbands?

Dirk, look, if you are not happy here, you, of course, are free to leave at any

time. Good. I will.

Adios, Terry with a Y. Just sign this and you are free to go.

I voluntarily and independently acted alone in shooting the aforementioned

ATF agent?

Are you kidding?

I'm not signing this.

Okay. I understand.

No problem.

Well, Jeff will come back with supplies soon.

Supplies for what?

For the 40 days in isolation, as clearly stated in your admission paperwork.

You're holding me here?

Now look, as we discussed, you're not in trouble. But we do want to wait a

little while until things cool down a bit out there.

Terry! Terry!

Hello?

Help!

I really can't believe you won't help me, man.

I really cared about you.

I gave you a massage.

The massage was unwanted touching.

Where the fuck are these clothes you promised me? I gotta get ready for this

raid. Whatever, man.

Now look, I didn't want to have to do this, but, uh... I was the twin, Cooper.

In the womb, I was the twin.

What is that? Is that me?

I think that was the part you talk about with your friends on your way out of

the theater.

I don't want to have to use this, but it seems like you're leaving me no choice.

So call the journalist or this gets out.

Come on, man.

Don't make me blackmail you.

This is blackmail.

No.

If you don't call him, then I'll have to blackmail you. But I don't want to have

to do that. No, what you're doing now is blackmail. This is the blackmail.

No, no, no, no, no. You're not getting it. Also, white people shouldn't use the

term blackmail.

Fuck, I look insane.

There's no judgment here, man. One thing I learned from my chatroom cannibal

friend is that cannibals get a really bad rap.

I'm not a cannibal, Cooper.

Eh, this kind of says the opposite.

This is really, really, really bad.

So you'll call them then? No.

Cooper, this is not blackmail. That's what I've been trying to tell you. It's

evidence. Drugging a federal agent is a serious offense, and I'm going to use

this. to take down this cult.

Great, and then you'll do my thing. No.

Man, it's a real one -way street with you, ain't it? I bet you were a real

selfish lover.

When my lovers try to blackmail me, yes, I am. Stop saying blackmail!

Sorry.

Copy that, ATF. Looking good to go in under an hour.

Whew. Looks like this might be over sooner than we thought.

Hmm. Now his phone's saying it's not in service.

How did you and Bobby meet again?

Huh. Over Christmas, I went to Barbados.

I spotted an arrival.

It was just kind of one of those things. It was like, bam, yup, I'll have an

order of that, please.

Ask me right away if I want it or not. So he was driving an unlicensed cab?

Yes, fat.

He's not a shit for brains who's going to shell out for a medallion.

Anyway, we get to the hotel, and he unpacks my bag.

So I go, well, you might as well come in for a drink.

So we stay up all night, and it's just...

Well, left.

And I'm old enough to know that.

But it's also more. You know, it was very deep.

It's like he takes all my sharpest bits and he doesn't sand them down.

It makes me feel like a human, like a real person. Makes me kinder. I'm sure

can tell.

You're a secret sweetie.

And he's got a dick like a European fire hydrant. There we go. And his property

deal is literally too good to be true.

Why are you looking like Anne Frank?

Janice. Got a Glock for me, Dunks? Oh, I need to go before we storm the

compound. Come on.

Nothing doing me.

Okay, I can get you my ballistic helmet and some flex cuffs. One roll only.

Done.

Siege bingo, baby.

Oh, boy.

Man, this rain is getting big.

Oh, God, man, I need to get ready. I can't miss this.

What am I doing?

What am I doing, man? I am so sorry. I should have never asked you to call that

journalist. Right. I can't do that. I know.

And it was totally wrong of me to ask you to clean up my mess. I appreciate

that. I'm going to clean it up myself, the old -fashioned way.

With honest, hard work. I've got to stop dragging others into my mess.

Yes, exactly. And a word of advice.

Come clean to the chief, not your captain. It's better in the long run. I

promise you. Okay, thank you. But the journalist who's investigating me is

married with kids, so I...

I'm going to just have to honeypot him. Keep it simple.

You what?

Yeah, I'll just do the old high -class escort, seduce him, film it, blackmail

him with that.

That's your idea of handling it yourself?

Yeah, man, you know, I could have just done that from the start instead of

spreading my problems around.

I was an idiot to think massaging an FBI agent was some kind of golden ticket.

Okay. All units standing by for raid. Looking like we're two away, ladies and

gents. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I gotta find some clothes.

Text from your newer partner.

Cooper. Stop dodging my calls, you pansy. You totally shit the bed on this.

Oh, shit.

Uh, Dustin?

Oh, I hope there's toilet paper wherever you are calling. Because I'm about to

come down there and wipe your shitty ass because of the mess you made.

He's joking.

Repeat. All units in position.

What the hell?

Okay,

stand down.

This operation is now under my control and will henceforth be called Operation

Fonzie. Why, you ask?

Because everyone's gonna be cool.

Now, can someone point me in the direction of baby shit -ass Google Gaga

special agent fucking...

Cullen!

Oh, yeah.

Cullen!

Hold

your

fire! Repeat, hold your fire! All units, be cool!

Didn't you hear what I said?

Be cool! Cool!

Don't you, don't you... I'm escaping from the collective.

I can explain what happened to your officer, Rizzoli. Okay, okay, I'm

scumbag. It was dark, and there was a lot going on. Okay, don't move!

On your knees, shithead! On your knees! My left knee is not great. Crisscross

applesauce! Crisscross applesauce!

Look, okay, Rizzoli was... This is hard for me to say, okay? Come on, spit it

out, Shepard!

I saw Rizzoli get shot by Terry Mann.

What? Yeah, Terry with a Y is a woman.