Original subtitles

Reinhardt!

Reinhardt!

I'm gonna take you down, you weirdo cult.

Hello.

Good morning.

Morning. Early bird catching that worm.

How'd it taste?

It's 10 a .m.

First day of school, huh? You're trying to impress the teacher?

Well, lesson number one, teach isn't easily impressed by early risers.

Teach likes to sleep.

Okay, so maybe you could just debrief me now?

Sure. I'm a Scorpio, first and foremost, and I really lean into my sign. You

know, I am a good time gal, but you don't want to cross me. Sure. Just don't

fucking do it. No, I got it. I got it. I meant more kind of intel on the call.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down.

Come on, new kid at school. Get up to the front of the class.

Tell us your story.

Okay. Well, you know my name.

Special Agent Collin. Boring.

I'll start. Yeah, I fucked up.

That's why I'm here. Wouldn't be here if I didn't.

Am I a big fan of Jim Parsons?

Yeah, I'm a big Jim fucking Parsons fan.

I'm not ashamed to admit that. I may have a tattoo.

Okay. I may not.

I don't need to see.

I'll show you later.

Here's the story.

I was assigned to him at Comic -Con. Did I put myself on that assignment

and ruffle some ATF feathers?

Yeah, maybe I did.

But fun fact, we got along.

I think he appreciated how nonchalant I was towards him and the whole biz.

Right, right, right. I think maybe he was a little attracted to it. At one

point, I was like, is there a crinkle in your khakis?

So I don't think he was super surprised.

When I dropped by his house to check on him a few times in the next week, just

to make sure he was secure.

And look, when I let myself into use the bathroom one time, that wasn't cool. I

mean, I really had to go, but no excuses. What I really need to know is

know about the cult is really what I want to talk about. Okay. So do you have

any schematics of the compound that I can see or any surveillance set up that

could look at?

Right, right. No, I don't.

I don't bother them, they don't bother me. That's my motto. Although there is

one guy that just got out of the cult a few months ago.

Okay. Yeah, he is a gold mine for intel.

I'm going to need to talk to this guy.

Time for someone to eat. Kitty!

Kitty! You have a pet out here with all the wild animals?

Oh, Kitty can fend for herself.

Kitty! That reminds me, I was up half the night trying to trap this possum

inside the room. I don't know how you slept through that.

Kitty?

No, no, it was a possum.

Her name is Kitty.

You trapped her?

No, no. I threw it outside.

You threw her outside? She's an indoor possum. It's vicious. It was hissing at

me. Oh, it was hissing at you? Could you not handle the hissing? Why would you

like it if I came over to your home and I fucking killed your dog?

Okay, listen.

Because it is the same.

I'm sure Kitty's fine, okay? Let's stay on track here, and I need you to take me

to this contact of yours.

No, no, no. We're not doing a damn thing until we find...

My fucking kitty.

Uh,

are you okay, Peanut?

That's it. It's absolutely cutting my lunch down there.

Oh, I think it looks good.

It's hard to breathe in this thing.

I mean, why do we have to wear these anyway? It's crazy, you know?

I haven't been told anything about when I start my job yet.

Hey, it's okay. It's okay.

I just think maybe we're a little bit nervous about meeting Terry.

Yeah, but, I mean, what if we fail the interview?

What if he doesn't accept us?

Peanut, I don't think it's a test.

Oh, come on. Of course it's a test. He's the head guy.

But of course he'll accept you. You're perfect.

Look, I may be perfect, but what about us?

Our obvious age gap.

I mean, what if he asks how we got together?

But, Peanut, it's like you said. We fell in love.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I know. I know it doesn't matter. I just... What he thinks it does.

Will he kick us out? We don't have anything to go back to. I can't go back

teaching, not with us on my record.

Let's just not mention it, okay?

We fell in love, pure and simple. No more detail than that.

Oh, shit. That's him.

Okay, shit, shit. Don't bring it up. Okay, don't bring it up.

Welcome, Sue and Dirk.

I'm pleased to welcome you here to my home.

Oh, thank you. It's an honor.

Honor, yeah.

Let us begin the tour.

Got everything you need? Yep. Just my wife, who I fell in love with many years

ago, and she entered the relationship willingly and legally, so no controversy

there.

Let's begin.

Could I start, or... Officer Tolbeck! Hi! Hi!

I'm Erica.

Ah, good. Thank you so much for coming in so early.

Listen, we all just loved Officer Reinhardt. He was a really good guy.

He was, wasn't he? He was just so incredibly appealing to our key

demographic of 16 - to 24 -year -olds.

I'm sorry, but is this a public relations thing, or...? Yes.

Good job, it is. We are your new public relations team. Sorry, was that not

clear? No, it wasn't at all.

I thought I was under investigation.

Well, you know what? Maybe you are. That's not really my department.

Damon, could you check on that?

Yes. Okay, so you are under investigation, but my job today is to

you are camera ready.

Camera ready?

Why? Because this is a monumental PR disaster for us, and we need to get

of the story. Does that make sense?

So as of now, nobody knows about your or Reinhardt's drug problem.

My drug problem? I'm sorry.

Yes. Your toxicology report found huge quantities of methamphetamine in your

system.

No, that's impossible. That can't be right. Oh, good job. Exactly.

Yes, do that. That's what I want from you. And my job is to ensure that nobody

ever finds out about it so that you get to keep your job. Does that make sense?

Sound good?

Yeah, it sounds good, but I didn't take... Now, even though you're clearly

Reinhardt, you test extremely well with sad long -term domestic partners, 45 to

65. Who knew?

So, let's talk about your first spot, which everybody is super excited about.

My first spot, wow.

God, America is going to fall in love with you, head over heels, in love with

you. But... Before we get there, we do need a little spit polish on the old

personality. Oh, okay.

You don't have a personality, and you know what? It's okay. It happens.

Totally. I've been saying this for years.

Oh. Okay, so you know this already.

Yeah, I've never been formally diagnosed, but I've done some online

Oh, great.

That makes it so much easier. Okay, so listen.

Here's the good news, sir.

You are a blank canvas, which means that we can make you absolutely anything you

want to be.

I want to be taller.

Okay. So, and that's something we can discuss. But listen, what I'm going to

right now is I'm going to show you a list of eight personality archetypes and

you get to choose one.

Take your time. Can I take this home and do some research? But don't take too

much time because you're due at the studio for your first TV interview in

hour. We are so excited. It's going to be so great. Unless, of course, you

prepare, in which case it will be a full train wreck from which you will never

recover both personally and professionally. It will be very bad. Do

understand?

Well, we are officially out of paper.

FYI, we're down to old takeout chopstick wrappers.

Listen, Rizzoli, I need to make a dossier of everything you know about

cult. Okay? Tell me about your contact.

Oh, did you find Kitty?

Because that's a part of the deal. So, no, I am not telling you anything.

Because you're not the boss of me.

All due respect, Rizzoli, I am the boss of you.

Uh, no. No, you're not.

Uh, yes, I am. I'm FBI. Ergo, I'm your CO.

Oh, you're my cock oyster?

No, I'm your commanding officer.

I guess you really think you're better than me, huh?

I didn't say that.

No, but your face did.

It's all over your fucking face.

I don't have time for this. I'm going to go walk the layout of the compound, and

when I get back, we are going to contact your contact.

Hey, you walk out that door, don't you ever come back again.

run away you should feel free to go wherever you want throughout the day

anywhere at all this is your home now just as long as you're back in your

chambers by sundown you mean like a curfew we don't like to think of it as a

curfew we like to think of it as a reverse alarm clock that lets you know

your day is over what happens if we don't get back to our chambers by

that shouldn't be a problem for us nothing is a problem for us really

If you repeatedly flaunt the rules here, there are consequences.

Cornhole?

Cornhole? Again?

Home ground advantage, I guess.

Just need to push that one in and I'm back.

Prepare your hole for corning.

Peanut, relax. It's just a game. I know this is a test, Strawberry. Don't you

get it? Just give me some space.

Ah, I think there's a weird cross breeze.

Cornhole. Dirk, you've lost.

I think Dirk was just a little off his game because he's worried about how you

might judge our history.

Not really.

It's a classic high school sweetheart story.

Very normal.

Would you like to speak your truth?

Your tone and overall sweatiness makes me think there's more to the story.

sure. We weren't in the same year, that's true. I'm older.

Guess how old I am now.

Go on, have a guess. Go on, have a guess. Please. You won't get it.

Okay, I'm 48.

Can you believe it? Not bad shape for 48, am I?

Just a good laugh every day, that's the secret. Dirk was my high school teacher.

Why did you... Look, that's... I don't think that was the point of his asking.

mean, is that relevant?

I didn't want to get into all the school stuff.

Sorry, are we... Is this... So... So,

all of the great characters can be boiled down to eight different types.

The hero, the lover, the outlaw, the dancer, the young colt, the mountaineer,

the widow, and the nutty professor.

Oh, wow.

Audiences consistently relate to and root for one of these types.

So... which one appeals to you i guess the hero oh i know right

wouldn't the hero be so fun but you know let's actually keep that one in the

back pocket for now and explore some of the others just for fun oh okay you know

it would be so perfect for you the widow the widow that sounds kind of sad yeah

that does sound kind of sad okay so which one do you like i like the dancer

love the dancer for you.

Oh, but you know what? What if we get on Ellen?

Or whoever they give Ellen's show to. If we get on Ellen, we gotta save that. So

let's save that.

I feel like there's one you want me to choose.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not at all. This is totally for you to get excited

about. You know? But I really think that you'd have a lot of fun with the widow.

It's also the only one that will allow you to keep your job.

Okay, I'll take the widow then. Great choice, truly.

So, the widow is great at talking about their grief. In this case, your grief

after losing Brother Eduardo.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Officer Reinhardt. His first name was Edward, so we tested Eddie Boy,

Mr. Ed, Edamame, Vitamin E, the E -Man, E -Town, E -Major, E -Minor, and

Edbath and beyond, but...

Brother Eduardo was the clear winner.

Oh, that makes sense. Okay.

Great. So the widow has two secret weapons. The first one is what we call

little girl. It's a kind of brave smile you give. It conveys innocence and

frailty, but also courage in the face of overwhelming odds. It's like this.

Brave little girl.

Let's see yours.

It kind of looks like sad old man.

A little more coy, like, um, I've got a secret, but I'll never tell.

You know what I mean? I'm sorry, but the widow feels kind of emasculating.

Huh. You think Vin Diesel is emasculated? No.

See, I don't either. And he's been playing the widow for seven years.

Oh, really?

That's the true power of the widow.

It's sexual.

And that actually brings me to the widow's other secret weapon, the

dam.

Okay, what's that?

The dam could burst at any second, and it goes like this.

Whenever I think about Brother Eduardo, I just... count my blessings.

Okay, now you go.

Whenever I think about Brother Eduardo, I just... I count

my blessings.

Yes, that is so great.

I love it. Damon, can we get some of those smart pills in here, chop chop?

There's the cult.

There's the steeple.

Here comes Cullen to bust you people.

It's pretty good.

Oh.

We should be able to be honest about our story, hon. Why aren't you proud of it?

If it wasn't something to be proud of, why was it off the news so much?

Well, of course I am now.

But you weren't the history teacher with the shameful heart on for a child.

You weren't the kiddie fiddler. You were never called Dirk Diddler, Professor

Peto, the hand relief teacher.

You're the victim.

I'm not a victim.

Now, I know that, but did the school or your parents, the journalists?

Now he knows everything.

We failed.

Do you feel like you failed?

Of course we have.

Every time I've slipped up, you're writing in your fucking book.

That book's my diary.

I like to jot down thoughts and feelings. Would you like to see?

But why the test? The cornhole?

It wasn't a test.

I asked you if you wanted to play cornhole, and you said yes, so we played

cornhole. In our history, that doesn't bother you?

Not in the least.

I think it's a delightful color on you two.

Oh, good. What a relief.

Oh, I was so worried we wouldn't be accepted into this community.

Well, that's for Terry to decide.

Right, but it doesn't bother you.

So Terry has decided.

It's best not to put words in Terry's mouth.

No, of course not. Terry's thought processes are unimpeachable, and Terry's

decision's final.

Of course, we didn't mean any offense, Terry.

Oh, I'm not Terry.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm Micah. I just came here to give you the tour.

Oh, I see what's happened. Am I not wearing my name tag?

Oh, shoot.

It's on my other shirt. Sorry.

So none of this counts?

This is just like a practice run?

No, your evaluation hasn't even started.

In fact, let's take you to Terry right now.

Oh, fantastic.

No, just Sue.

And why not me?

Terry has requested just Sue.

But should I not be first?

Or... No.

I'm sure it won't be long, Peanut.

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Bye, Strawberry.

Okie dokie, here you go. Some brain helpers down the old hatch.

Okay, I don't think I should take any more vitamins because they make me feel

good when I take them. But then when I stop taking them, I get really irritable

and everything's harder to do.

These aren't vitamins.

Yes, they are.

Reinhardt and I eat the... Who's Reinhardt?

Sorry. Brother Eduardo used to give these to me when we were on our shift to

keep us focused and healthy and feeling invincible.

Like we could do anything, but never in a cocky, dangerous way.

Yeah, and that's what methamphetamine does.

Oh.

But I would never do... No, you did, though.

But it's impossible.

I didn't... You did a lot. You actually did a lot.

But he could not have tricked me like... He did, though. I guess every day.

Honestly, listen, they are just to help you focus and be your best self.

In Germany, they put it in the water.

And we know Germans always make the right decision, right?

Look, it's not that I don't want them, because I really do.

But I don't think this is a good thing.

Okay, well, listen, if you don't feel comfortable... I don't feel comfortable.

No problem.

No problem. No problem, no problem. And honestly, you know what? This is good.

I'm glad to hear that you're 100 % confident about the interview.

But I didn't say I'm 100 % confident.

You're not 100 % confident?

No, 100 is pretty high.

Here's the thing about not being 100 % confident, and honestly, I do not say

this to scare you because I'm on your side, but the interview will probably

trick you into admitting to your drug use, and you will definitely lose your

and your pension, and I wouldn't rule out jail time, and there will be a

lifetime movie about you, and their casting choice will make you feel bad

yourself. Shoot.

That does scare me. Yeah, of course it does. Oh, I've got an idea. Tolbeck, how

about we do this together?

The two of us. Let's ride the wave together.

Me and you?

Yeah. You'll do it with me? Every step of the way. I am here to support you.

Okay. Wow, it's almost like I have a partner again.

Almost like you have a partner? Brother, you do have a partner.

I'm your partner. Here you go.

Down the old hatch.

Okay.

Brother Eduardo used to say that, too.

All right, your turn. Okay, here we go.

Gulp.

Well, you just pretended to... You're not going to take it?

I did... I don't know what the heck I thought I put in my mouth, but... Shoot,

guess I missed it, and we don't have any more. So it's okay. And besides, I have

been sober for three years.

But you said we'd ride this way together.

I can ride it sober.

But you are going to be great. Just don't ever mention the drugs at all,

And it will go great, okay?

Damon, can you get the car?

Here's your puss.

Kitty! Oh, Kitty, is she okay?

She's fine.

After she tore my arms to ribbons, she hid in this log and hissed in my ears

entire walk back.

Oh, that's my girl.

Oh, Kitty.

My baby, I missed you.

Come over here to my house.

That's not her.

What the fuck?

That wasn't Kitty.

No, that was a wild possum.

Oh, wait, is that?

No, I don't think that's her.

It's hard to tell. I've only been feeding her for the past few days.

You know what?

We'll just say it wasn't her.

But what you did today?

Dude, all is forgiven.

You can be my cock oyster any day.

I'm going to take you to see my contact.

Okay. I'm calling off the revenge.

Revenge? What?

You said you're calling off the revenge.

No, I didn't say that. I said, come on, let's go. Let's get a steak.

Thought you were cooking some stew.

No, you don't want that. That's the revenge.

Do you miss him?

Well, to be honest, Carol, no, I don't. Because I see him every day in the faces

of kids.

While they play in the park.

And what do you say to the rumors that you and he were under the influence of

drugs on that terrible night?

You know, Carol, it's hurtful. It's what it is. Look, you can say whatever you

want to say about me.

I'm alive and I can defend myself, but don't you say a word about Mr. S.

Who? I'm sorry.

Brother Eduardo.

I always called him that. I'm sorry. Look, these drugs are not helping.

I'm sorry.

Did you just admit to being on drugs right now?

Could you just cut this out of the show?

Oh, this is bad. This is so bad. This is live to air.

Oh. Can I get some water or something?

We'll go to commercial break.

Please stay with us as we follow this developing story of police scandal and

corruption. Wait, are you talking about me?

There he is.

Wait. No, that's not him.

There he is.

Goes by the name Magnolia.

Was in the cold for over a year, only been out a little while.

Used to do security.

Knows their operation inside and out.

Let's just say this guy's seen some mud.

Mud, by the way, is... I know what mud means, yeah.

I hear a sound, it going through my brain.

I hear talk of people, I feel the falling rain.

I feel men crying, cause the whole world has let him

down.

She is a lady and funny face of the clan.

Mama.