Original subtitles

Mama!

What? You can't just knock and walk in like that, your mama.

I saw everything when you were a baby.

I'm not a baby anymore.

Wow.

It's not for you, mama.

Who is it for?

None of your business, okay, mama?

None of my business?

Come here.

Come here, habibi.

Can you please move this stuff out? Because I don't need you walking in your

room. It's so much bigger than mine. Can you please just...

Oh, my God.

Crystal's playtime is scheduled in here today from 1 to 2. I just want to remind

you about that. Great.

Great. Make sure you feed her. Okay, I'll feed her. Mama, I'll feed her. Can

just call us? Please, inshallah.

Why you open account in bank, man? It's a pyramid scheme. You don't know? Bro,

this is not a bank. It's a credit union.

Union. That's even worse, bro. You know union is a cartel. They set the wage

instead of the price.

Same thing, bro.

How's it working with your family? It's a dream come true.

I can't believe it's a reality.

Seriously.

At home, it's a nightmare.

I don't have any privacy.

No, you got a curtain in your room overlooking your living room like you're

about to do a puppet show.

I'm Moe. I need a loan.

I don't have a girl. I'm a refugee.

You've never had privacy.

I get it.

We're in America. 18 years old. Move out of the house.

What happened to family? Being close together?

You're right.

Maybe we're close enough. I got to move out.

Guys, I will take a refugee in. No problem.

No, thank you. Okay, all due respect.

I got you, bro. I made assistance of your life. I know it is good for you.

come stay now with me and Dallas in our home.

I have a private guest room, electricity, everything.

And there is a big private bathroom.

It's so big, bro, so clean.

You can sit all day until you find a house, you know?

Very good. I find your whole life to be problematic, but a ensuite bathroom is

really appealing at this point.

Plus, Austin, Dallas' sister, she lives next door. Okay. She's not as beautiful

as my Dallas.

She's not as tender as Dallas.

But she's ready for marriage.

Okay. All right. Now you're stepping into a whole new zone.

What, do you have a dating app now? You're doing arranged marriages?

I don't want my mom doing it, much less you, Hamid. If you get married to

Austin, all your legal trouble, boo, go away.

Nigga, it's boom, not boo.

Boo, bee, bah. Who gives shit, bro? I showed her his picture. She like.

She was intrigued, bro. If you come, maybe you meet, maybe there is

Marriage, bismillah, you know? What's the fine print?

She sounds desperate. You are desperate.

I swear, I feel like the only thing you should do is meet her.

You should at least meet her. Get your life together, just like me. Even though

I'm raising somebody else's baby, and we're pregnant together, and we moved

and we're not married.

You don't get to talk because my life is better than yours because I found

Blondie. Why don't you mind your own fucking business?

No. If you get caught anywhere doing anything, I just can do whatever the

they want with you. Exactly, bro. So in this specific instance, I'm siding with

Hamid.

It's not criminal.

It is.

It's not violent.

Now it's done, Mo. Let's go. Come on.

You can do this.

I mean, it got stuck on my finger. Hey, don't make excuses, Uncle Mo. I'm not

making excuses. What if I just threw you down there? Yeah.

All right, all right, all right. Yeah.

All right, let's see what you got. Show them how to do it, Sama.

Show Uncle Mo what you can do.

Oh! Look at that, right there.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Wow, that's actually really good.

That's really solid.

What are you looking at?

The settlers attacked people's homes in Ramallah again.

And when the IDF came, they killed a 17 -year -old Palestinian boy.

I saw that.

It's horrible.

Oh, wait, Mo. Stay right there. I got you something. What? I was at the

Park last week, and I saw this shirt in the window, and it screamed your name.

I'm serious.

Look at this.

Huh?

That's... that's... Perfect.

Yes, okay, Bob. It's not perfect. This is a you shirt. This is not a me shirt.

No way.

It's like the mascot just shat this out. This is unbelievable.

No, this is you in fabric form. I mean, it's fun, it's loud, it's got... No, no,

it's nice.

I'm sorry. It's nice. Thank you. Thank you,

Bob.

You know what's not horrible?

We're all here together.

Yes.

Come on, we're going to have fun, whether you like it or not. No, no, no.

You're going to go.

Come on. No, no, no. Don't even worry about the boat. Just grab it.

Yeah, that's the right move. Yeah, right here.

No! No,

just go like this. Like this?

Yes.

One, two, three.

Let's go.

All right, look at that.

Oh, my God.

I don't know. He was just bowling. Have you seen him? No. Probably just playing

games or something.

Osama!

Osama!

Osama! He's right there.

Dude, why were you screaming?

Come on, let's play some games.

Yeah.

Who ordered a pizza pie?

There we go.

Have you ever thought about taking Samir to see a therapist?

What for?

To improve his social skills, his quality of life.

What's wrong with his life?

Okay, you know how Osama was having this outburst?

We took him to see a therapist, and it turns out he has a form of level one

autism.

Why are you rolling your eyes?

Your boy has a tantrum.

Suddenly it's a disorder.

I mean, like, everything is kind of a disorder now.

No. You miss the sun in the winter?

It's a disorder. Yeah, well, I do get blue during the wintertime if I'm

my truth.

Because it gets dark so early.

It's very brave of you to share. Thank you. What's going on with the napkin

there? I'll just fall off.

Okay, seriously, therapy is actually helping him. I see it in his impulse

control, right?

I mean, what if... Nadia.

Don't start.

Osama is your child. Sameer is mine.

What about what the doctor said?

Remember when he was a kid?

What doctor?

Mom and dad took Sameer to see a doctor after we moved to Houston, and the

doctor said Sameer might have a form of autism.

What does it matter?

He's happy. He's living his wonderful life.

Masha 'Allah.

Yes. No.

But also, what she said is, you know, good point. I mean, maybe the...

Not a bad idea. I mean, let him go to therapy and he doesn't get overwhelmed.

Exactly. And we all see it. So why are we pretending?

I'm pretending. I don't think he's pretending.

I'm just saying I think he should go see a therapist.

No.

Samir needs love and care and support. Of course. And all that, alhamdulillah,

he has.

So Samir does not have a disorder.

What disorder?

Disorder of fries.

Can you get it for me? Can you check on it?

Okay. Thank you, Hamid.

Did Mama tell you that I'm moving in with Hamid?

Try that out for a little bit. Great.

Thanks. And you're not upset about that?

No, I am.

I'm in therapy for it.

Best night in my life.

I don't remember you having a sword.

Yeah, I didn't have a sword. I got an extra artist to add it to the picture,

know? He looks hot with that sword, doesn't he?

Handsome. So handsome.

Never mind. Come, bro. Check my DVD collection. I got over 50 movies, okay?

the Rambo, all the Rocky movies, Creed I, Creed II. No Creed III?

Now, baby, no Stallone, no Hamid. Come, check this out. This is my ottoman, huh?

Okay, this is real cow leather, shipped from Arizona via the oops.

He means UPS.

Hey, come, check this clock, huh?

Hey, you like this Glock? Fuck you, man!

It is a Glock inside a Glock. What the fuck, Hamid? I look at these people,

and nobody is actually ready for when the shit hits the fan and goes down.

But not me, not Hamid. Hey, you know what? Look.

Oh, say, can't you see? No, you cannot see anything.

You are dead.

You want to travel? You want to go somewhere?

Ha! You go to hell, baby!

Look, this, this is not real. Just to scare them, you know? Achoo, bless you,

you want tissue?

No, you die, baby.

50 % of my budget goes on safety.

Poor and alive, better than rich and dead.

Why so many, Hamid? Because you never know where they come from, bro. Who is

they? Who's they? They are anybody, everybody, bro. You can be chilling in

living room, laughing,

having fun. They come in, you are ready, you have a gun.

Hey, maybe you're taking a shit in the bathroom.

Yeah, thinking, why did I eat that yesterday?

Then, ah, they come in, you're ready. You take a gun, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow,

pow. You shoot, you know. It's like that, bro.

Hey, I got a gun in each room in this house. Hey, safety is a top priority in

our house.

Clearly.

Bro, she gets me. I love you. I love you, too.

I'm glad she does, but I don't know what planet you're on. I mean, the arsenal

you have here, you could take over Guatemala.

Listen, I appreciate the tour, but I am exhausted.

Can I sit down now? No, no, wait. You gotta sit down. You have to see your

bro. You have a suite.

You have a private bathroom.

Now you're talking.

Here we go.

Your retreat.

A home away from home.

Hi. Oh, I'll take that.

Sleep well, Muhammad.

Oh, thank you.

So sweet. You have a lovely home.

Appreciate the hospitality.

Thank you, baby. What the fuck is this?

I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but this is out of control.

Why are all these dolls here? Who is this lady?

This is the mother of Dallas, and she died in this bed, bro.

We keep it the same since she go, but the sheet is clean.

This is not important, all of this stuff, bro. What is important that

you're going to come with me to the barbecue contest and... You will ask

on a date.

Not okay.

You need to let this go. Forget about the Austin stuff.

Austin stuff?

This is not stuff, bro. I know what is good for you. Believe me, man. Austin is

perfect bride for you.

Show me a picture.

You should love the heart.

The look fades away.

Listen, bro, okay? You are broke.

You don't have money. You don't have job.

You're a fucking refugee.

And your life is shit.

I should slap you with this pipe in your face, bro.

I mean, no disrespect, okay?

Listen, bro, you will marry Austin, you will become my brother, and we will

become big family, okay?

Put your shit down.

What are you doing?

They are here.

Get ready.

Who's they?

Let's go.

Who's they mean? They are here. For coverage.

Shoot, buddy.

Where's the key?

Where's the key?

You like the hummus, kiddo?

There, there.

You're all right now.

Everything is okay.

Still a dream.

I didn't mean to scare you. I just, I saw you tossing and turning like you

having a bad dream, and I, I overstepped, didn't I? I am so sorry.

I was having a bad dream.

Oh, you poor thing.

Do you want to talk about it?

Sorry, who are you?

I'm Austin.

Sure, Austin.

I was just bringing you a little breakfast in bed.

You know, start your day off right.

Don't worry, it is chicken sausage. We don't eat pork either.

Wow. Dang it, it's too much, isn't it?

Oh, I don't know. It's like a Golden Corral buffet.

You know, you have to go back and forth. This is all here.

I just...

I have this thing where I get an idea in my head and then I commit.

Full throttle.

And it's just my nature to nurture.

Like, if you went down to my core and you extracted my essence, it would be

care and compassion.

Oh, Dickens!

How is it?

It's fantastic.

I could do this every day if you wanted.

Breakfast?

I'm sorry.

That was extra again.

I am really botching this thing, ain't I?

I know. This is the sweetest thing anyone's done for me, and gosh, I can't

remember. Thank you.

Is there maple in this?

Yes. You have a good palate.

I watch Food Network. Love it. Can't get enough of it.

Chopped. My favorite. Me too.

Yeah.

Oh, money.

What did Hamid tell you about me?

basics, really.

You know, about you being deported and having that ankle bracelet and all that.

Boy, he really knows how to tell me, doesn't he?

And he also said that you were loyal, have good values, love your family,

a hard worker.

That's more like it.

That's definitely me.

I'm going to beat you. Oh, that was way off.

Would you say you're a go -with -your -gut kind of guy?

Yeah, I follow my instincts.

Most of the time it serves me well.

Sometimes I get an ankle bracelet.

You've been deported.

Well, then we have that in common. Because whenever I go with my gut hand

God, I always get it right.

Yeah. And I just have this feeling that you and I, I don't know how to say it.

Say it.

Say it.

Don't be scared. Just say it. It's so nuts. I get so excited.

How much coffee have you had today?

A caffeine free for a unit.

Really? No other substances?

No, no drugs or alcohol. I don't need that.

I'm going to do some cocaine just to keep up with you.

Don't you ever sniff the devil's powder.

Oh, no. I'm not doing the devil's powder.

You have a great smile.

Yeah? Yeah. You have great boots, too. Oh, thank you.

It's your turn.

Hey,

you like barbecue?

What? You want to take me to the World Championship barbecue contest?

Depends. Can you two -step? Oh, you tell me. You can two -step.

Of course. What kind of technique can't two -step?

Okay. I'll twirl you. You won't twirl me? Be careful.

I'll twirl you. Oh, you didn't. Come on. Come on.

No,

no, no. I said raw sugar for the rub. Raw sugar. Brown sugar burns. That's why

the bark's all fucked up.

Come on, man. I got it. Take care of it, sir.

I think it's great.

This is fantastic.

I can't tell the difference.

Thanks, babe, but the judges can, though.

Put a little more olive oil on the chicken, please.

Does your family care that I'm a Catholic?

They're as atheist as they come.

Why? Is yours giving you shit for dating a Jewish guy, huh?

No. No, my mom is gone, and my dad is another story.

And my tias are in Mexico. My tia Luisa, she shits on everybody, so who cares?

I think if I had kids and they weren't Jewish, they'd have a problem with that,

yeah. But I thought you said you were an atheist.

No, my family's atheist.

I'm agnostic. I don't know what the fuck's going on. But yeah, like

Muslims, Hindus, they all have like over a billion plus on their team.

Us Jews, we have like 16 million on our squad, tops.

So when you have kids, you're going to raise them Jewish?

God, no, I'm never having kids.

I got my hands full with these kids as it is.

Remember what I told you? Up top for even distribution.

Look, I definitely want to have my own kids. I just don't want to be what my

friend Nick's doing. He's raising someone else's child, and there's

wrong with that. God bless him. God love him. I support him. I'm really afraid

of being a stepdad. You know, I guess you could say I'm more traditional.

Oh, me too. Oh, I love traditional.

Like, I see myself on a ranch with a pond, kids playing with the ducks and

goats, and me just taking care of my man, you know, cooking his meal.

Ironing his shirt?

I'm in.

I mean, just judging by the breakfast, I mean, you'd be great at it. You think

so? Yeah, absolutely.

Barbara was so right about you.

Yeah? What'd she say?

She said, I would need a man from the East with a shortened name who was

marriage material.

And here you are.

I knew it, too. Oh, from the moment Hami showed me your photo?

I knew.

Wait, who's Barbara?

My psychic medium.

You have a psychic?

Say, I have someone special I'd like you to meet.

Well, hello, Princess.

This here is my daddy, Ron.

Well, Mo, it's a real pleasure to meet you, my friend.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah. It's so nice to meet you. Oh, yeah, why not?

Why not? It's so soon.

Well, what do you do? Okay, what are you working on? I used to be a pork rib

guy. Yeah. Until I joined House of the Old Mead there. Oh. Now I just cook one

hell of a brisket, and I couldn't be happier than a hog in Arabia.

Get in a hog in Arabia.

He's happy because they don't eat hogs over there. I get it. I get it. Come on.

Stay with me now. I'm trying. I'm trying to keep up with you.

Allah gave us Texas barbecue and you, Hamid, huh? Well, you ain't lying there

because I'm going to tell you something.

After Rush Limbaugh died, I didn't know what I was going to do.

Then old Hamid there turned me on to Al Jazeera. I learned we wasted trillions

of dollars on that war on terror bullshit.

Well, I'm awake now.

Not woke.

That's that Hollywood bullshit.

Whoa. That ain't even good English.

It's too good to be true.

50 -50, you're FBI.

I got you. You're under arrest. Oh, you got me. A long one.

Let's steal him from you, Daddy. All right, baby girl. Y 'all have fun. Nice

meeting you. Nice meeting you, too.

Oh, pretty good.

Brisket looked delicious. Yeah. The meat is better than I thought it was.

So, what did you think of my daddy?

Actually... I think we get along.

Yeah? Yeah.

Ooh, your cologne smells like tobacco.

It's a combination of different beard oils.

Oh, is it?

Yep.

Hey, baby.

How we doing? We doing good? Yep.

Sorry.

My ex -girlfriend's over there.

Okay, hi then.

What was that thing I told you this morning? Maria?

Is that you? What are you doing here?

I'd like you to meet Austin. This is... His girlfriend.

Oh, girlfriend.

Yeah.

How long have you known each other? Well, when two souls meet on a celestial

level, I mean, Earth time is irrelevant.

Oh, honey, that was so poetic.

Hi, I'm Guy. I'm Maria's... Boyfriend.

As we have spent actual Earth time together getting to know each other,

we? That's right, babe.

Can I get that lighter back now?

Yeah, I'd be happy to give it back to you as soon as you give us our land

That was funny.

Oh, yeah, my family and I have been laughing at it for 80 years.

Oh, that looks a little dry now.

Actually, it's cooked perfectly.

You want to try some?

Okay.

I never thought you'd go for a blonde.

She's blonde?

I didn't even notice.

It's so crazy because I'm focused on what's on the inside.

Look, Spain.

Yeah, I can see that.

I wasn't talking about you.

I'm talking about you.

I'm sorry.

Oh, is that citrus?

I'm tasting.

Actually, that's shichimi togarashi. It gives a little hint of umami.

That's just un -American.

You just steal from everybody.

Good poets write, great poets steal. Okay, I make it my own. I can hear you

beeping. cook. No, actually, you're the cook. I'm a chef taco boy. Let me tell

you something. My falafel tacos are world class. Are they really? That's all

talk about. Oh, yeah. I know how to mix cultures.

You're not mixing cultures. You're fucking deleting the whole goddamn

That's the whole fucking point. That hat looks weird on you. Yeah, no, it

doesn't. It looks fucking awful. Did you pick that out for me?

Cowboys are us? You do not insult his hat.

Exactly. All right. Exactly. What'd you say, honey?

You've been chopped.

Yeah. Well played. Well played. I think it's time for you guys to go.

Hey, what the fuck? Seriously, do I need to deal with this? I'm trying to win

the... Does he know I know... I'm so sorry.

Does he know I know Krav Maga?

I'm fucking... The champion in the whiskey category is... That is

bullshit, bro.

They never let the white man win anymore.

All right, no long face. We may not have won, but this is the best damn barbecue

team I've ever been a part of. Here's the family.

The family.

And no more chicken.

Nixian knows me. Maybe Nixian will make a few thoughts.

Sure you don't want to hop a saddle? He's gentle.

No, no, maybe if I were still a young girl. But these days, I'm too old.

Oh, if you're old, what the hell am I?

Young. That's hard.

Is that what you tell people that's old?

Hey, I've been talking to fuzzy boots.

Well, more like singing.

You're a singer?

No. I want to hear. No. Please, please, please, please. No.

My bonnie lies over the ocean.

My bonnie lies over the sea.

My bonnie lies over the ocean.

Oh, bring back my bonnie to me. Please, what was again? Oh, bring back my bonnie

to me.

That's really beautiful. But who's Bonnie? Oh, that's just an old name in

song. Well, you have a very nice voice, buddy. Thank you. It's okay.

My Patty now. She had the voice of an angel.

Mustafa sang, too. At least he tried.

It used to annoy me, but now I miss it a lot.

Are you okay, buddy?

Yes, sir.

I don't know how to tell you this, but, well, I'm selling the farm.

It wasn't for sale or nothing. I got an offer that I just couldn't pass up.

But what about our olive oil?

It'll be up to the new owners. I'm so sorry, yes, sir. I know how much it

to you and the family. I'm so sorry.

Are you kidding me?

The thing is, is that... What?

What?

Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah!