Original subtitles

Thank you so much for replying to my school -wide email.

Just an overwhelming response.

Three out of a possible 1 ,600 people.

That's two more than last year.

We're actually on a field trip today, Freddie, but we would be more than happy

to help our favourite caretaker after school.

You don't need to suck up, Jeff.

Might be nice to hang out a bit more.

Great. Well, I just need someone to help me unload all the animal dung

fertiliser for your Tamarama fundraiser.

That sounds like a dad job to me. Oh, yes.

Yeah, well, actually, we already hang out quite a lot. Probably too much, if

honest. Yeah, I actually have some work deadlines that I need to invent.

I don't think you really need all of us.

I suppose I could use one mum, but you might have to get your hands a bit

I've only got one pair of gloves, and the fertiliser is very, very skidmarky.

Salo palaba, and welcome to Samoan Language Week.

And for the Room 2 students going on their field trip today.

Good luck.

Heather is the most selfless of all the fundraisers. So, yeah, I feel like you

should be the only mum who's allowed to help Freddie today.

I am.

Therefore, I selflessly give the job to him. I don't want to because it's yuck.

Okay, okay.

There's only one mature way to settle this.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If it screams, let it go.

Eeny, meeny, miny.

My mother said to pick this one.

I think you stink. It doesn't count.

One nil, Heather, always wins. Really? Prove it.

One nil best out of three.

Two nil best out of five.

37 nil best. I

know. My hand is getting tired from proving how much better I am than you.

Never take up gambling. Your optimism won't serve you well.

So it's settled then. Chester, not me, is going to help Freddie out with the

patrol this afternoon.

Oh, that's your name's not bad.

They always win those two.

Woo!

Woo!

Child of a Lava Room 2.

Child of a Lava, Miss Lightfoot.

Now, unfortunately, most of the class is suffering from a preventable illness

that their parents chose not to immunise them against.

However...

This does give you a much better chance of winning Beth's team today on the

field trip.

Oh, there'll be a winner?

Yeah. Will there be a runner -up? Sure.

You know what, class? Sometimes winning means coming second.

I'm not sure that's true.

Loser has to help Freddie with the poo.

Agreed.

Now, I've been on this particular field trip with four of my other children, so

I may have a slight advantage.

I've got the same worksheet.

I spent a lot of time on a farm while winning every teen horse riding

competition New Zealand has to offer. Well, I've never been on a farm.

So?

You must be so excited about Samoan Language Week.

Well, every week is Samoan Language Week, but, you know, I don't mind not

getting paid for all the extra work I do and for, you know, constantly being

interrupted by people reminding me what week it is.

What can I do for you?

I'm just dropping off the school porgy.

Thank you.

Uh, do I get my deposit back?

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were donating it back to the... Oh, because that's what all the

really nice mums are doing.

Yes, um, yeah, I'm happy to donate my brother back to the school.

Thank you.

Happy Samoan Language Week, my girl.

Now, how do I say that correctly in Samoan?

Take the time. I've got all day.

Maybe I was a teensy bit hasty. No, I like the bit. Same as these.

Okay, guys, listen up for your teams.

Oh, I hope I don't get Charlie.

What's wrong with Charlie?

Well, you know what they say. Hell is other people's children.

Oh, not your kids, obviously.

Just other people's.

You will never win with Charlie.

He has high maintenance and low fun.

Don't you just hate those people?

Cinnamon, Ruby, Karma, you're Cinnamon's mum?

Yes!

politicians. Brixton, Ava and Sarah, yours by Henness. Yes, top three fastest

sprinters in the class.

Might be quite fast between activities.

And that leaves Ryan and Charlie with Jess.

I have two, I'm responsible.

Trust me, it'll feel like you've got three.

Good luck.

Good morning.

I said,

happy Samoan language week, Luana's mum.

Okay, this is going to be fun.

We could name our team the Ryan Arleys or something better that I think of

later. I know heaps about animals.

You do, do you? Remember to apply your sunscreen, rum -rum.

I actually helped Ryan put his on this morning after only 20 minutes of arguing

about it. Do you want me to help you with yours?

It was awful.

No, I can do sunscreen myself.

Can you, though?

Look, I'm not helping.

I'm just practicing for the upcoming Puppetathon.

Lunch boxes and drink bottles to your parents

and toilets and then vans. Perhaps you can keep your learning hands to

Wait, where are you supposed to carry everything?

My team has seaweed and rice crackers, nice light brain food.

Okay, Rick Twins, this is nothing.

Well, I was only allowed two kids, so that's one less lunchbox. Also, it turns

out Charlie is an animal genius.

Charlie, come show these nice losers how much you know about animals. I know

everything about Pokemon and dragons.

That'll be useful on a farm trip.

Enjoy your afternoon with poodong. You never know what might crop up.

Actually, I do.

Tova, everyone.

It's our lawful lover, Constable Chris.

Oh, am I you?

Oh, man, we are five to die, Mr Coxhead.

Our lawful lover, kids!

Our lawful lover, Constable Chris!

My team are going to be the fastest at going to the loo before the bus.

I think you'll find that'll be my team.

Well, my team are really great, cos...

Ryan is really good at drawing animals and Charlie has other skills.

Yeah, he's pretty good at not getting his cast because he used to.

Like honey puffs and death.

At least you'll be hungry for this really heavy lunch you're making me

I'm not hungry.

Okay. Let's go. Let's go.

You stink, Mum.

Yeah, g'day. Welcome to New McDonald's Farm.

Since the horrific tractor accident, John's on extended leave, and there'll

no more tractor ride.

My name's Jane, and I will be your first -time tour guide.

Farm fight!

Oh! Oops.

Sorry. Down low too slow.

Yes, your teachers are handing out your worksheets there, or as I like to call

them, your farm time fun sheet.

That looks familiar.

Oh, we've got lots of animals.

Yep, we've got a charmer of a llama called Obama.

And a coony coony pig called Kevin Bacon.

You do know that bacon comes from slaughtered pigs, right kids?

Jane. Is it? Yeah.

Team Smarty Pants wants to know if you're named after famed primatologist

Goodall. Your common mistake.

No, I'm actually named after the woman that my dad was engaged to before he had

to marry my mum.

Yes. Can we leave our really heavy bags here?

Yeah, of course.

Just as long as there's no food in them, obviously.

Good luck, ladies. You'll both need it.

Like my dad always said, winning isn't about luck. It's about humiliating your

opposition. Oh, your dad's done so fun.

Okay, where do we start?

Uh, that way.

Thank you, Hina. At least one of us believes in fair play.

All right. Come on, Team Farmer!

Part of my Hina's heroes.

I know a shortcut.

Activate your mind palaces, lady. Hina, I'm very disappointed in your choices

today. Come on, Team Mother Farmer.

May I interrupt you for just a second? No.

It's just that I need someone to help me with my Samoan for the school

newsletter. Oh, well, Phil would be happy to help you out.

No, actually, I'm quite busy, sorry.

Yeah, rock, paper, scissors.

Here you go.

Ding, ding, come on. Yeah, see, rock meets paper.

Yeah, so Phil would be happy to help you rather than do his own urgent work.

Hey, Phil.

Licking it, my Phil. Yeah.

They're only on activity three. I feel like if we focus and we don't dilly...

Dally!

Okay, quick six. Team, the best team.

How many lambs are there?

Twelve! No.

No, there's only three. I think you did the old count the legs trick, but I like

your hustle, Ryan.

Can you put this in your bag?

Whoa, that looks heavy.

I think it's lonely.

Oh, that is heavy.

That's okay.

I don't think the extra weight will stop us from catching up with the others.

Hey, got a pen?

No, I'm a kid.

I can get you a rock if you need.

Thanks, Charlie. I'm good.

Hey,

what number are you up to?

One and a half.

You've got a pen.

Yeah, but not for you.

Oh, you are competitive.

Thank you.

Okay, lady.

This is what Kate Shepard fought for. Today, we triumph.

Let's go.

We're making excellent time, Tamariki Ma.

Hey, have you got a pen?

Kia ora, my girlfriend.

Okay, it seems our hurrying has only just slowed it down a little bit, but...

Now that we have a pen, there is nothing stopping us being crowned best team and

me not ending the day with deep and fundraising feces. Okay.

Seems that Hine has given me, accidentally, a broken pen. Totally by

I'm sure.

Hey, Jane.

Yep, you've got a pen?

Oh, I've got a pig pen.

Yeah, the goat ate my four -colour pen the other day. Oh, that's why his poop

red, blue, green and black.

Fun five, little buddy.

Anyway,

yeah, no.

Don't have a pen, sorry.

That's cool.

I'll remember the answers.

The thing about the chicken coir, which I think is just over here.

Whoa, it's huge. Wait, wait, wait. No, we're going to go this way.

This way. Then where the chickens are?

I know where the chickens are.

Oh, okay, okay.

And then we're just going to... Let's go, let's go, let's go. Lift your feet.

No, no, this way, this way, this way.

Man, I know all children are wonderful, but Charlie is like a wonderful

challenge.

My team are challenging themselves and coming out on top.

Don't forget to hydrate, ladies.

How many activities have you guys got left?

Three. Same.

Plus a half more.

Um, Jess, I don't want to be a mean mum, but you can't eat with her. Why?

Because you smell like blue cheese and shame.

And whatever it was Charlie had for breakfast.

Hey, happy Samoan language week, buddy.

Oh,

not the toilets again.

Looks like your hydration plan is backfiring.

Don't forget to stretch, team.

Don't want to get cramps again.

Oh, lucky my team doesn't have muscles or drink enough water.

Oh, ready to go, are we? Looks like I might just win best team and avoid the

yuckiest job in the land.

That's a nice looking rock you're holding, Charlie.

Ryan's mum can carry that for you.

No, no, okay.

Can you see we goat? Why do we farm goats? I don't... Where's Charlie?

Charlie? Where's Charlie? He's over by that farm near the rock. Hey.

Even Miss Lightfoot's team is beating us.

In fact, they're doing quite well.

Hey, can I bribe you for a second?

Excuse me?

You're planning a wedding on a budget, right?

Yeah. Well, I just happen to be an amateur DJ, and I would be more than

spend my wealth of steel for you.

You know, and by spend, I mean plug in my iPod, which is super funky retro.

Call in second staff.

That's a really generous offer, but I can't let you win best team, DJ, JJ.

It just wouldn't be fair.

Well, can I swap Charlie for one of yours?

Why do you want to swap Charlie?

You don't want me in your team.

Wait up, Charlie!

He wasn't crying.

We just had a mum bet, and the loser has to unload fundraising -related animal

dung after school.

It's all right, Charlie.

You'll be okay.

Poor Charlie. He never wins anything.

Neither. He usually sits alone at lunch.

I was made to sit alone at lunch because my puke stent left, didn't she?

That guy's just moved away.

Did he run off with the jet ski instructor?

No, he's moved to Molesgill.

Hey, it's all good. I'll take him off you. Hey, no, no. I want him.

That kid deserves a win.

It's just that he's more likely to win with me.

Okay. Agree to disagree.

Okay. Good luck.

You good luck.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, I'm sorry. I tried to swap you, Charlie. I forgot that all kids are

and that I'm supposed to be the grown -up.

But you know what? To make it up to you, we're going to win best team.

Really? Yeah, I promise. We just need to focus and... Oh, maybe...

Chill out on the rock adoption.

Oh, Charlie never wins anything.

I think we should let him win best team.

Oh, you're only saying that so you don't have to do blooper trial. No, I will

help Freddie if you do this for me.

That's really nice, Jean.

I'm sorry I was a bit mean today.

It was just my fun.

Heather, you all good to let Charlie win?

No. The win will mean nothing to him if he hasn't earned it. I think the win

will mean a lot to him.

I decide these things on a case -by -case basis, and in this case, I agree

Heather. It's not fair on our kids. They've worked really hard.

Winning on your own merit feels a lot better than pissing. You feel a lot

than me.

Through the maze without the use of a breadcrumb trail.

Eat that. Handful and great all.

Counting them up.

Do you think we'll win like you promised us?

Okay, everybody, without further ado, the winning team is... Drumroll, please.

It's a tie between Heather Smartypants and...

A gumboot toss, or as I like to call it, a mumboot toss.

But you guys are from the city and you've all worn very inappropriate

Let's do a backpack toss.

Ooh.

All right.

This feels like one of those ones I don't need to win.

Thank you.

Well, I won the school gumboot toss every year. I could have gone slower.

Yeah, well, I have a Charlie.

So? And a super heavy rock collection. And if I know my physics, which is

plausible, my super heavy backpack is going to fly so far.

On its own merit.

Here we go.

I'm so tired of Samoan Language Week.

If we stop reminding them, we might get some work done.

Hello, Margo.

This is Master for Samoan Language Week.

Ah, for the school news, is that?

Mm -hmm. Thank you, Talia.

Okay, let's have a look.

Samoan Language Week is my favouritest week of all time.

I get to share the yummiest food with my friends and I feel important and smart

and special and happy

and proud.

Thank you, Talia.

Put it back up, people.

It really is.

Yeah, it's pretty.

Thank

you,

unfair and square, Jess. Congratulations.

And you're right.

I did feel better winning on my own merit.

I'm sorry, fast but competitive.

I'm a work in progress.

I'm sorry I was such a good mean mum.

Oh, are you still here?

Yeah.

Your van left like five minutes ago. What? Without us?

Well, I can give you a lift.

Thank you, Jane.

You know what?

Farm five.

Oh, yeah.

It's on my way anyway, actually, because I've got to drop some stuff off at your

school for that tomato -rama fundraiser thing.

Heads up.

Yeah, thank you.

I'll help you out this afternoon, G.

Twinsies. Thanks, guys.

Oh, you know, I think Charlie's puke smell is actually masking the fertilizer

poo smell.

No, it's making it worse.

Oh, it's actually making me feel sick. Oh.

No, no, not again.

Oh. There it is.

I hope this isn't the tummy bug that obliterated St. Louis's pine wing.

Help me, the five -block cell is doomed.

I feel amazeballs.

Should I announce this afternoon that the fundraiser is cancelled?

No. Jess is taking over. What do I do? What do we do? What do we do? On her

Dad... ..are helping her.

Oh.

Well, not again.