Original subtitles

A reminder to everyone that selling fundraising chocolates is voluntary.

But we need you to do it.

Welcome, Eco -Warrior.

I'm just taking it to the man.

Or in this case, Mum.

Two, four, six, eight. Right away, Carly, eight.

The fundraising committee!

As everyone knows, selling chocolate is the backbone of New Zealand school

fundraising. Can we just keep voices to a low murmur today, please?

Feeling a bit rough after Braxton's birthday bash last night, Jess?

I've never drank a whole pina colada piñata before, but, man, when a kid

you to do something, you've got to do it.

Can we have a bit of shush, please?

As I was saying, it should be money for jam, but not like that disastrous jam

sale. Oh, who knew precepts could go off?

Here's a pan of dull, Jess. Pan of dull?

Yeah, dull's the pain.

Mum, look, it's me too!

Two inside voices for mummy, yeah?

Do you want to see?

Yes. Oh, it's still warm

and gummy.

Can you look after it? I don't want what happened to Rita to happen to me.

What?

Oh, God, it was my life. Thanks, Mum.

Hello.

As you know, the dental nurse has had to stop our chocolate sale.

Did you hear that, Em?

If by that, do you mean that I gently explained that reaching our fundraising

goal supersedes the effects of sugar on teeth, then yes.

Yes, I did.

You should put that tooth back in the tooth.

Good call, Em.

Oh, no.

Oh, Jessica!

Did you just swallow a child's tooth?

Oh.

Will it rejoin us this morning?

That ship has sailed.

Maybe you could take something to hurry the long downstairs.

No, no, I refuse to search through my own bodily excretions, okay? Ryan's just

going to have to write a letter to the tooth fairy and explain what happened.

Won't he be quite upset?

On a scale between one and ten, he may.

I'm just going to... Hello,

my very understanding son. Can I ask you a hypothetical question?

I don't know what that means.

If somebody accidentally misplaced your tooth, you could just write a letter to

the tooth fairy and explain, right?

No.

Well, I've got it on good authority. She's very understanding.

Not to Rashida.

So Rashida was staying at her uncle's house and he lost her tooth.

It happened to anyone. So she wrote a letter to the tooth fairy, but she got

money back.

That's why Ryan has given you his tooth for safekeeping, because you are in the

circle of trust.

If you lost my tooth, it would be the end of the world. I haven't lost your

tooth. I know exactly where it is.

Fantastic. Well, why don't we give it back to Ryan so he can practice

responsibility?

No. Yeah.

Don't you think he can use his responsibility skills? I think he can

responsibility skills.

I can use...

Okay,

thanks, Ms. Lightfoot. Yeah, I will deliver Brian's tooth after I deliver

the fundraising chocolate whilst avoiding protesters.

Hey!

Could Constable Chris please report to the office?

And the owner of a purple scooter with flames on it, can you please let Ling's

mum know where you got it done?

Oh, her name's... Spare tooth, do you hear me?

Not on me, or in me.

My lollipop.

Braxton's going to give them out after school for his birthday.

Did they let you do that?

No, the dental nurse banned it.

I'm sure I didn't have enough in the woods here. Oh, I think I've got it

Plus, I've got glycerin for diabetic Dylan and ADD ana -header.

Kevin can have a rubber because he's not allowed sugar.

All pointy things.

Does Jess Knight work here?

We have no teachers by that name.

Okay.

Right. Are room 11 ready for my one -man show about stranger danger?

Yeah. Do you want to put some fundraising chocolate for the children?

Then we can give them to the kids. I don't believe a stranger should be

kids free candy.

Yeah, but I could look after it for you.

Okay.

Really? Yeah. Why not?

You don't have to.

Three. Awesome.

Um, yeah. Thank you.

No worries. Thank you so much.

Okay, I'll look after them. All right.

Who, four, six, eight, who do we currently hate?

The establishment.

The establishment!

Does anybody have any money I could borrow?

Who, four, six, eight, who do we currently hate?

Now Ryan wants the tooth back like I can't be trusted with it. Then give it

him. It is his.

Well, you know I don't have it.

Outside of me.

Lying to him.

Basically the same as telling the truth.

I don't know about lying to kids.

You could put the Panadol inside the tooth.

What if he opens it?

Tell him it's bad luck. He'll believe that.

Have you met children?

Two, four, six, seven, eight. Who do we currently hate?

Heather. Heather!

Two, four, six... Meanwhile, I have a rebellion to crush.

Oh, go get him, tiger.

Could Suzanne Hicks please report to the dental nurse?

Yes.

So lucky.

Have fun, Suzanne.

I always do.

I hope I get to go to the dental nurse next.

Two, four, six, eight. Who do we currently hate? The fundraising

And Heather.

Two.

Oh, hi, mate.

Big business would never let school fundraising chocolate contain palm oil.

Can you prove that? I don't need to prove anything to you, Freddie.

Apart from your credibility as an ethical fundraiser, right? Right!

Fine. I'll check the ingredients list.

Fine. Fine.

Yeah, good.

I know.

Yeah, no.

Like, literally, it's very good.

Like, a good decision is an informed decision, right?

Right! Thank you.

Orangutans aren't people. We've got to change that one.

Right! But, um, if it does have palm oil in it,

your fundraising days are over.

Two, four, six, eight. Who do we currently hate? Cinnamon's mum.

Cinnamon's mum.

That's better.

Yeah, same person.

Would anyone like some candy?

Yay!

Ah, ah, ah.

Don't take candy from strangers, okay? So we're going to do this again.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ooh, I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier.

This isn't in English.

It's weird.

Might explain why we got such a good deal. And why we had to pick it up from

that car park at midnight.

My phone says it's Mandarin.

But does it contain palm oil?

Can't get a read on it.

Damn, that's an incredibly expensive phone my husband bought me because he

me so much.

Oh, no offence.

Here is your tooth.

Faith in its mummy's tummy.

I can hear it. It's your tooth.

Okay, don't open it. It is bad luck.

Wow, tooth fairies can be very impressed with your responsibility skills. No,

no.

That's not my tooth.

Where's my tooth?

The tooth? The truth is... I gave it to Margo

to put in the school safe.

Oh, thanks, Mum.

You're welcome.

But, Mr. Dinosaur, I'm going to need that Panadol because I do have a

Could Ignor Smith go to the dental nurse?

Ignor Smith, the dental nurse.

My tooth!

Yes,

does your chocolate contain palm oil?

Your website's offline and my success as a school fundraiser is very much on the

line.

Yes?

Thank you.

They don't know. They have to ask Big Terrence and call me back. There may be

some time.

We really need to get these boxes out today.

What are you going to tell Freddie?

The truth.

As I see it.

Oh, oh.

Sorry, officer.

Hey, Jess.

Hey.

Man.

Wow.

It's been a while.

Yeah. Wow, I couldn't even... Say how long?

Oh, I'm sorry. I've still got my stranger danger moustache on. You

didn't recognise it.

That's much better.

Are you a teacher now?

No, no, no.

Full -time mum, part -time artist.

I kind of run the fundraising committee around these parts.

Oh, you've got the chocolates with the weird aftertaste. That is probably

definitely not palm oil.

Great.

Great to see you.

You too.

You.

Cool.

Hey,

have you met the new comfortable?

Who's uncomfortable?

Comfortable. If you like conventionally handsome men with straight teeth, you

like to give back to the community.

I think I'm supposed to know him.

Do you want me to talk to him online?

Not right now, thanks.

First of all, I need to find a tooth by three o 'clock.

Maybe Freddie has one.

That animal lover probably donates them to deserving headchild.

Mia ate a cup of haka. She's got a wiggly tooth.

And she's real rich. Maybe if you ask your mother.

I've got to swap it for.

I've got exactly the right amount so that everyone in room two gets one.

Plus a buffer of two for persistence.

So you have a spare tooth.

Fine. If you get green, you'll be yuck.

Hey.

Little birdie tells me you've got a wiggly tooth.

Birds can't talk.

Parents can.

Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to swap your tooth for this amazing

lollipop.

What about the toothbrush?

Oh, it doesn't matter. It'll either.

She'll still give you the money. Plus, you'll have a lollipop.

I see you didn't get paid. Can you, she's an uncle.

Okay, I'll pay you double.

What did the tooth fairy give you in your house?

20 bucks. 20?

Fuck. Man, you are rich, me age.

Okay. Did you take your payment plan?

No.

I've been a little up and up.

and chocolate to the senior school. Oh, I'm glad it's time. Plus, I can't resist

a good protein.

You're protesting our penis.

I support healthy distinction wherever it may be.

Have you got proof you're a tiger killer?

This little girl's got to get to her DMT class.

She's a fifth of a dungeon master now.

It doesn't contain palm oil.

Yay!

Really?

Can you prove you have proof?

Yes.

Probably. We're just going to wait here while you go get proof.

Possible orangutan murderers.

Hey, kids.

Don't forget to floss.

And by that, I mean the dance move and cleaning up between your teeth to

healthy gum.

Am I right?

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Oh. Do you want to hear me?

Zinzan tells me it's Braxton's birthday.

It is, gentleness. Dale, it is.

You're not planning on giving out lollies again this year, are you?

Well, not definitely lollies.

Good.

Lollipops don't count as lollies, eh?

They do. It's in the name, you know.

You're too far away now to hear me.

I require a bilingual child.

Excuse me? I need a child who speaks Mandarin, because the chocolate people

won't call me back, and my integrity as a fundraiser is on the line.

Mia, G in room six.

Thank you, Margot.

Don't believe what those other mums say about you. I think you are doing a great

job. Oh, right back at you, Heather.

Can I see my proof?

Your what, love?

My mum said you put my tooth in your toothless.

I did, I did, I did.

You did?

Did she?

Mm -hmm.

Um, I can't remember because my blood...

Sugar levels are so low and, yeah, I'm starting to lose all my memory skills.

Oh, yeah, Margot, I forgot to buy that chocolate bar there. Those chocolate

bars. Yeah, that's the one.

Your tooth is fine, Ryan, okay, but the court day doesn't open until three

because it's on a time lock.

Can I pick it up after school?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, that is totally plausible.

Bye, guys. Bye.

Thank you.

Why are you here?

Are you lost again?

I came to see if you had any spare teeth in the sickbay.

Um, no.

They all go home, otherwise the tooth fairy won't come.

You hear about what happened to Rashida?

Uh,

you owe me two chocolate bars.

You can read Mandarin.

I also speak fluent Spanish and Klingon. Well, no one likes a show -off, Mia G.

Does it have the ingredients list on it?

Um, I think so.

Does it have palm oil?

I need my glasses.

Then run back to class and get them.

Could Carver Shrew slip?

In room two, please go to the dental nurse.

Back in my day, we used to call the dental clinic the murder house.

One time, I got my braces stuck with another kid's braces, and it was such

torture trying to untangle it. The dental nurse had to literally tear us

Poor kid. He cried all the way through social studies.

Hey, didn't you get your braces caught?

They just said my first patch didn't go as planned.

At least now we both have nice straight white teeth.

Comfortable, Chris?

Excuse me?

You're kind of leaning on the mic.

Everyone in the school just heard what you said about the murder house.

And the passion.

And the torture.

Everybody just heard your embarrassing yet unsurprising story.

It seems that the children are now afraid.

to go to the dental nurse, or as they call him, that murder man.

I didn't expect the whole school to hear.

We need to fix this.

Well, why doesn't Jeff show the children the dental nurse isn't scary?

Yes, I could do an exam, show everyone how fun it is.

You could use the streaming app you got for working parents to see their

children wearing the costumes they make for school concerts.

I don't know if that's... It would be good for the oral health of the future.

Well, I do believe the children are our future.

Thanks, Jess.

Hey, do you have any spare teeth?

No one has spare teeth.

Yeah, the tooth fairy takes them.

Does it contain palm oil?

Shush, Henny!

Thank God for Mia G's mums and sisters, she learned languages.

Do you think you could choose a cinnamon?

Sure. I'd pick cash or talon.

It's a Klingon currency.

Oh, okay. All righty, kid.

Let's jump on the enamel camel, sort out this fang -pang, and get this tooth

party started.

Woo -hoo!

Yes, please.

I love supporting my oral health with the help of a certified medical

professional. That's my mum.

I was awarded a plaque for my work eradicating plaque.

Huh?

I did let you chip my tooth earlier.

Oh, yeah? So, yeah, if you could have a look, that'd be great.

Sure. Okay.

Just to open wide.

So, what did you think of the palm oil protesters?

Yeah.

Okay.

That is so true.

Yep, this was a great idea.

Lucky you're at school.

Well, I'm part of the fundraising committee.

We're the ones selling the chocolate.

You know what?

I think I will take out that half -tooth you carelessly chipped earlier.

It's probably weakened from all the chocolate you've been clearly eating.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Oh, no, it'll be my pleasure.

Oh, well...

No palm oil.

Really? Really.

OK, well, give me a G5, though.

Yay!

Right, Autobots, roll out.

It means we can go back to class.

Have they not been in class all day?

They've been at the school of hard knocks all day.

Come on.

Remember, no chewing food for a few hours.

Have a great afternoon.

Yeah. So you do remember me.

Wow, you have changed a lot since high school. Although you asked for wearing a

blue uniform.

Yeah, yeah. And I think you haven't changed, um, for your little live

Yeah. Not quite as bad as our little incident, though, right? Yeah, it kind

was.

Well,

getting outbraced with Doug pretty much ruined my high school love life.

Yeah.

Girls refused to pass me for a very, very long...

Oh, long time.

I am sorry.

Apologise at some stage.

I'm really sorry.

Still super cool, I think.

You know it.

Wait a second.

Isn't your last name Officer?

Does that make you Officer, Officer?

Yeah, I much prefer Constable.

Oh, Chris. I'll see you.

I was... Yeah.

Yeah. Cool.

See you.

All right. See you.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. No sibling.

I mean, there's only enough for the class.

Don't forget to sell all your palm oil -free chocolate.

Fabio, I'm looking at you.

Buonacchino. Happy birthday.

So, this is for you.

My tooth!

Well, actually, I ate your tooth, but you can have mine.

wanted the money.

Do I get twice as much for growing up, too?

Oh, I would kiss you, but I'm experiencing some serious dribble

Maybe I should just kiss you anyway, because I love you so much.

Get off me!

I'm happy to survive.

Oh, no.

We're playing the St. Luigi primary world.

It's going to be a little one -sided, but I love to see we always win.

Unfortunately, your volunteer ref's gone into labour.

I'll do it.

There's been some complaints about your sideline behaviour.

You're now under silent sideline law.