Original subtitles

All right. Are you listening?

Okay, so I think I'll start with.

Open the effing straight, you crazy bastards,

or you'll be living in hell.

And then at the end, maybe throw in. Praise be to Allah.

You think I should type? Praise be to Allah. And that's from.

That's from you.

The president of the United States. Yes. Yes. Allah.

They say Allah.

It's a sarcastic attack on the world's largest religion.

They famously have

a great sense of humor about that kind of stuff.

As your press secretary,

this puts me in a tough position, sir.

Oh, don't worry about that, Caroline.

Like I said, to Pam Bondi and Kristi

Noem right before I fired them. You're doing a terrific job.

Thank you, sir. I love you, too.

All three of those were played by Ashley.

It's an interesting detail.

Now, there are a lot of important

things happening in the world right

now, and I have to make some urgent phone calls.

Hello, Tiger.

It's Donald.

What's going on, buddy?

Are you playing in the Masters this weekend? No, sir.

I don't know if you remember,

but I, flipped my car and got a DUI.

Oh, right.

A Dewey,

as in Dewey. Drive on pills? Yes, he do.

That's a good one, Mr. President.

You should have told the cops we were friends.

Who wouldn't let you off. Well, I did, and they didn't.

If only there was something I could have done to help.

Oh, well, what a place of golf.

I'm actually at a rehab facility in Switzerland at the moment.

Oh, and how's the course there?

Oh, well, actually, there's no golf. You see, I don't know why.

Okay.

Who else? Oh, wait. Who is this? I don't recognize the number.

Hello. Hello, Donald. Melania Youre calling me?

That's not a good sign.

Hey, listen, I decided I should do a big random speech

completely out of nowhere and say I am not Epstein victim.

Is that good?

Darling, I gotta admit, that sounds a little insane.

Who are you? Me?

Well, it's not just Epstein. I thought I could also say I.

Melania Trump

in no way helped out the Gilgo beach serial killer.

That way, no one is suspicious.

Darling, I think that's going to make

everyone way more suspicious. Okay, okay.

What if I announce I barely parted with Diddy

Would that help?

You know, Melania, I'd really love to talk more,

but I have a meeting with, Ronald Reagan.

Let's see.

Anything else I forgetting? There's got to be something.

All right.

The war.

What?

Pete

President Trump was, I was,

in that in the 90s.

Sorry, Mr.

President, I didn't know it was you.

I just said unknown caller.

So I figured I'd just answer and say a couple military secrets.

That's wonderful. That's great.

So what's the latest on that whole thing we're doing in Iran?

Rest assured, sir,

Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night. Allegedly.

We've destroyed everything.

We wet their willies, tap their sax, and purple.

Every single nurple.

You also probably heard that I want to start a draft again,

which is a great sign for the cease fire.

Yeah, except this time we're fighting millennial cringe

by letting 40 year olds join the military.

Yeah, put that finger mustache to work. Pulling a trigger.

Really good. Really good.

That's great.

That one for sure hits with me.

But, sir, you know, I got to ask, is it true what I heard?

Are you actually negotiating with these herbs?

You know what? Don't worry about the negotiations.

I just heard they're going really, really bad.

I sent in my secret weapon, J.D.

Vance, after those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to J.D.,

they said, please, sir, just go back to bombing us.

Yeah. Very good. Sir.

Even hearing about someone

getting bombed just got me hard as hell.

That's great. That's great. I'm bricked as well.

All right, well, keep up the good work, Pete.

And, hey, if you think of a good reason

why we went to war, could you let me know?

Well, honestly, sir, if I were you, I'd probably

just tell them we did it all for the nookie. Why the nookie?

Come on.

But we can take their oil and stick it in our car.

Stick it in our cars.

If you. In our cars, $7 a gallon. Hegseth out

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, THIS IS

SATURDAY NIGHT!

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST ANITTA.

AND YOUR HOST, COLMAN DOMINGO!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COLMAN

DOMINGO!

Whew!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.

Now, I have been an actor since the 90s.

So you may be sitting here thinking,

what do I know him from?

And it's probably because I've been

in a lot of different things, you know, Fear the Walking

Dead, Four Seasons, Lincoln, Sing Sing

I was Carly and iCarly.

I was inside C-3po, shooting star Wars,

and I am also your uncle.

See, here's me at your cousin's wedding in 1994.

The point is, I'm practically in everything.

Like raisins at a Caucasian cookout.

And I love how I can always guess what people know me from.

You know, if you're a Latin, bro.

I'm like, oh, fear the walking dead.

But if it's a girl under 20 or,

creepy dude over 30, that's euphoria.

So sure, I'm an actor, but what I'm most known for is

when you come to my house, the vibes are spectacular.

And tonight,

I'm going to make you feel like you're at my house.

So let's get a vibe going.

Oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Music has a vibe. And that just happened.

How about the lights?

Let's get some lighting.

That's extremely flattering for people of color.

Oh. Much better.

Leon and I look great, right, Leon?

Now for the camera.

Can I get a sexy, slow push on this thing?

Also, I'm 56, so boom the hell up.

There it is. Oh.

Look how adorable I am now.

My word.

And this works for everybody. Jeremy, get out of here.

Right.

Now, Jeremy.

Look into that camera.

He looks fine.

No offense, but boom up.

Oh, yeah. Hey,

it almost work.

Wow. The vibe is getting really good. Really good.

But is it sexy enough? Now, what is?

So let's see how the vibe is working for our guests. Ooh!

Hey, ma'am.

What brings you here tonight?

I got tickets from someone who works here.

Oh. Inside connection.

That's hot.

I like the vibe. Was it someone in the cast?

No, it was a writer.

Don't tell people that.

Wow. The vibe is down here, on point, but looks like

I made them too good, cause those people are making out.

Ooh, they're straight.

You don't see that every day.

Well, everybody, I think we kind of did it.

I think we nailed the vibe. So let's wrap this up, baby.

At my house,

I always end the party the same way

by telling everybody to get the hell out

so I can take a fiber pill and go to bed.

But not tonight, babies, cause we got a show to do.

So boom! Up.

We got a great show for you tonight.

Anitta is here. So stick around and we'll be right back.

Good evening.

I'm Wesley Welch and you're watching New York one coming up.

It's almost summer.

We've got five spots where you can experience

that famous NYC hot urine smell for yourself.

But first, our top story.

A bank robbery occurred in the fashion district earlier today.

Our own Amy Asher is live on the scene. Amy.

Thank you. Wes.

It was around noon that the sounds of gunfire

erupted outside of a bank here on 26th Street.

Miraculously, nobody was injured.

But bystanders were shaken,

including this group of students and faculty

from the Fashion Institute of Design next door.

Let's speak to them and their teacher,

D'Artagnan Moran.

I don't teach, I show.

I am the lesson.

Got it? Now, can you describe the suspect?

I would say 30, 32.

Maybe so. Fairly young. No, not in age, honey.

Waist and inseam. What else could I have been referring to?

I apologize. Could you describe his clothing?

Yes. Boho.

Derogatory. Could you be more specific?

Why? He sure as hell wasn't. Oh, speak on it.

Listen, listen.

I mean, at night,

the look was all over the place and baggy to a fault.

My man was swimming in that fit.

Swimming.

Try drowning.

Who was that?

Oh that's Holly point.

The dean who was going to have that.

Okay.

So I really want to give our viewers as clear

a description of the suspect as possible.

Be on the lookout for a Mess

Again I'm not really understanding.

Excuse you. I was not done speaking.

Class, help this woman. Describe the man's drip. Delaney.

This.

It must have been in the unemployment line

because it was not working.

Good. Rothko.

The fit was giving by Stevie. Stevie Wonder.

Yes, yes, yes.

Gabby.

He had, like, a hoodie.

And like Gabby, you are not cut out for this.

Go to a normal college.

Look, the clothes were disaster, but the accessories.

Eight down.

The accessories. His gun. Woman.

What else could I have been talking about?

Oh, you're getting smoke in my face.

You're getting your face in my smoke.

Anti way.

The gun was a tasteful matte black color

that he paired with a brown belt in spring.

Oh no baby on alive yourself

Okay, a brown belt.

That's a good detail.

Any more specifics

on the color of his clothing? The colors

flirted with boldness, but couldn't get her in bed.

Yes. Delaney. Roscoe, the colors were a statement.

And that statement was mama raised a dumb ass.

Yes. Roscoe.

Gabby.

His jeans were like dark blue.

Gabby dropped out.

I beg you, go back to Connecticut.

But I like fashion.

You have no future in this industry. None. Zilch.

Oh, I like fashion.

Well, I like pornography, but I do it as a hobby, not a career.

Okay, okay.

Can you please just describe this suspect in a normal way?

No, but I snapped a photo of the crime being committed.

Oh please show that. Oh.

Oh there the crime of the century.

If you're going to be thoughtless

and cross invest in some lotion.

His heels were drier than saltines.

In fact when the police asked which way he went

I said follow that trail of parmesan okay.

All right, all right. Enough. Let's just forget the clothes.

Believe me, I'm trying.

Authorities have urged the public

to remain vigilant as a suspect is still at large.

Try extra stop. Stop crossing my frame.

Jesus Christ.

If you have any information

on the suspect, please contact police.

And I hope the police do to him

what he should have done to those raggedy ass jeans.

Cuff them.

More as the story develops. West.

Thanks, Amy. I learned a lot from the story.

You know, hoping that maybe now

that I stepped up my drip, you might reconsider my offer.

Your offer to be friends.

But hook up when your wife's out of town.

Yeah, my answer is still no.

Reconsider, honey,

you could do worse, but you won't do better okay.

What is your problem with me?

Everything is your everything. Your hair, the face, the.

> AFTER I GOT DIVORCED, I HIT

ROCK BOTTOM.

I WAS DEPRESSED.

I LOST MY CONFIDENCE.

I WASN'T MYSELF.

AS A MAN, THERAPY NEVER

SEEMED LIKE A REAL OPTION.

PLUS THERE'S NO WAY TO AFFORD

THAT NOW.

THEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT UNIQUE

CUTS.

BLACK BARBER SHOPS IS A

RADICALLY NEW ALTERNATIVE TO

MENTAL HEALTH TREATMENT FOR

WHITE GUYS WITHOUT THE STIGMA.

AT FIRST I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT

TO MAKE OF IT, BUT THEY

WELCOMED ME IN.

SIT YOUR GOOFY ASS DOWN.

YOU BET.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU

WERE BEFORE YOU WALKED IN, THEY

ALLOW YOU TO HAVE A FRESH START.

HE LOOK LIKE THAT BOY, WHAT'S

HIS NAME?

DAHMER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO CALL YOU

JEFFREY DAHMER.

I DON'T KNOW.

GET YOUR JEFFREY DAHMER

LOOKING ASS UP.

LOOK AT ALL THIS BABY HAIR.

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A HARD TIME

OPENING UP AND

TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, BUT

THEY MADE IT EASY, LIKE THEY

WERE READING MY MIND.

LITTLE EPSTEIN HERE.

MY NAME IS DAVID.

LITTLE EPSTEIN,

YOU WANT YOUR WIFE BACK, HIT IT

BETTER.

COUPLE OF COCONUT WATERS AND

WEAR THAT ASS OUT.

YOU GOTTA GET THAT LEG UP.

CLAP CLAP CLAP.

LIKE THAT.

WE WERE HAVING INTIMACY

ISSUES IN THE BEDROOM AND IT WAS

HARD FOR ME TO COMMUNICATE MY

NEEDS TO TARA.

THEN MY BARBER SAID --

CHEAT.

WHAT?

CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU GAY OR SOME?

NO.

OUR SEX LIFE IS THRIVING.

HE'S EVEN LIFTING HIS LEG UP

LIKE CLAP CLAP CLAP.

TRADITIONAL THERAPY COSTS

HUNDREDS AN HOUR.

BUT THE HOMIES AT UNIQUE ONLY

COST 50 BUCKS.

I CAN STAY THERE ALL DAY, EVEN

DO SOME SHOPPING.

100% SEA MOSS, MY GIRL MAKES

IT RIGHT OUT OF THE OCEAN.

CAN CURE COVID AND ECZEMA.

IT FORCES YOU TO COME OUT OF

YOUR COMFORT ZONE.

IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME

TO SAY.

ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION, WHO

WOULD YOU RATHER CLAP, PAM OR

GINA.

I TOLD YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHO

THOSE LADIES ARE.

COME ON, MAN.

NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS CAN

SEEM, MY DOGS CAN ALWAYS PUT

THINGS

BACK IN PERSPECTIVE FOR ME.

MY TWO LITTLES ARE STARTING

PRIVATE SCHOOL, I HAVE TO PAY

FOR THAT.

AND SHEILA WANTS A NEW KITCHEN.

I'M IN A REAL PICKLE.

OH, MY GOD.

LIL TERRY GOT SHOT AGAIN.

NO LEGS TERRY?

THOUGHT HE WAS IN JAIL.

HE CAME HOME A WEEK AGO.

SOMEBODY SAID HE CAUGHT HIS WIFE

IN BED WITH A PASTOR OR

SOMETHING.

ANYWAY, YOU WERE TELLING ME

ABOUT YOUR LITTLE PICKLE.

I'D SAY IT'S NOTHING,

ACTUALLY.

MAN, WE JUST WANTED A SPOT

FOR BROTHERS TO KICK BACK, TALK

A LITTLE MESS, GET A DRINK ON.

PLUS WHEN YOU LOOK GOOD, YOU

FEEL GOOD, THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL

ABOUT.

A MAN WANT TO FEEL GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEKEND.

BY THE WAY, FELLOWS, I'D

SMASH PAM ALL DAY.

YEAH!

CLAP CLAP.

BLACK BARBER SHOPS, GET YOUR

MENTAL HEALTH LINED UP.

Hi there.

This is Artemis two pilot Victor Glover.

We're on day nine of ten and we're almost home.

Speaking of home, if you look out our window here,

you'll see a familiar sight. Earth.

Seeing a pretty planet like this is pretty profound.

Being a man of faith,

this is certainly brought me closer to God.

Oh, come on, guys, you got to Velcro your snacks to the wall.

Those Pringles are those.

Oh, those are mine. No, no, those are my Pringles.

No, no, no. Finders keepers, you loser.

No! Give them to me now! No, dude. Okay, fine.

Here, you can have them. Just kidding. No, dude.

Hey, hey, I'm recording a thoughtful video.

Can you guys stop messing around, please?

I'm sorry, Victor, it's just it's day

nine and we're just kind of bored. Okay, bye.

Canada slaps.

Us. Hey, there's a quote from legendary

Apollo astronaut Jim Lovell that I'd like to read. Oh.

We do not realize what we have on Earth until we leave it.

Let me tell you, those words have very different right now.

Hey, guys.

Christina fell asleep unvelcroed again.

Someone stick her ass to the wall, please.

Seeing Earth out the window,

this beautiful blue ball and a sea of darkness

really gives one pause.

I'm so sorry, Victor. We have to get this on camera.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is no Hans hat.

You're not going to believe this, Victor.

Oh, no hands have no hands.

Oh oh. Oh, no!

Does that.

Victor, are you proud of us?

Reed Hansen, what are you doing?

We're doing experiments. Victor. Okay.

Was breaking the toilet an experiment too?

I'm sorry about the toilet, Victor.

The toilet doesn't make any sense. Okay. Go away.

Let me lock in.

Okay. Sorry, but before we go, check this out.

Victor, check this out. Watch this, watch this.

Oh!

Victor, don't look at it. Oh!

I'd like to read another quote

from another great astronaut, Sally ride.

Looking back at Earth from orbit makes you realize

how fragile our existence truly is.

Oh, my God, are you guys serious?

You fools drew on poor Christina's face.

Two grown men turning our mission

specialists into Harry Potter.

Shame on you.

Sorry about that, folks.

When you see Earth like this,

it makes you realize how lucky we are to live here.

So I just sneezed, and this happened.

I mean, this is fully happening right now.

Okay, that's kind of amazing.

Yeah. All right, make sure you get a picture of that.

Oh, I will, I will.

Hey, Victor might be stuck in the tomb again.

I don't know what to do. This guy keep sucking it again.

You gotta get it off you.

Victor, please, I don't know, figure it out.

I'm doing my video. What have you figured out?

My baby. Please, Victor.

All right, I'm going to make this quick

because folks are going space crazy.

My one hope for everyone on earth is this.

I'm pulling him by,

Up and screw it.

Video over. Everyone be kind to each other. The end.

Hello there.

I'm Henry debris.

What if I told you there are more trees on Earth

than stars in the Milky Way?

What if I told you that a magnitude 12 earthquake

would split the world in two?

Oh, what if I told you this table is a man?

How cool is that?

I love stuff like that.

Thank you to our props department for indulging me.

It just goes to show not everything is as it seems.

Admire this simple piece of coral.

Now, what if I told you it's a seahorse?

Surprised?

What if I told you a cloud can weigh over 1 million pounds?

What if I told you this clock is a man?

Clock?

I mean, this clock.

God gets me every time.

I think it's awesome. It's just awesome. Never gets old.

Speaking of old,

did you know our pupils get smaller as we age?

So do our sweat glands.

What if I told you that the atoms inside

you are a billion years old?

What if I told you these books are a man?

What if I told you

the fire is my niece?

And that this simple vase

is none other than City Councilman Keith Hawkins.

Wait a minute.

Hello? Hello.

Oh my God. Where's Keith?

This is just the vase. Now, I look like an idiot.

Now it look like, I don't know, Keith Hawkins. Samuel.

I'm sorry, Mr. Debris.

The councilman was called away on city business.

Oh! Damn it.

Well, you should have told me. Damn it!

I'm so mad I can hit you over the head with this potted plant.

Oh, that's a man.

What? I want it to be an object.

It's a man, and vice versa.

Well. That's rich.

That's really, really rich.

Okay, everyone out. Oh!

What if I told you I really wanted this to go well?

What if I told you someone special is watching

a girl and I knew in college.

What if I told you she was hot?

Lily.

Oh, we were,

Mr. debris, Mr. Brown. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I was at the zoo.

One of the polar bears ate a kid.

I should specify a baby goat.

It was his food. He was supposed to.

It doesn't matter, Councilman. I'm ending the show.

I blew the whole budget

trying to impress some chick from 40 years ago. I'm pathetic

What if I told you

you're not?

What?

What if I told you you're a great man

who gets a kick out of good old fashioned American surprise,

No one could love a man like that.

What if I told you I could?

I'm no Lily, but I'm here

dressed up like a vase with flowers on my head.

Because two weeks ago,

I had a sexual dream about us that blew up my marriage.

I'm not perfect, and I don't know if I'm gay,

but I'd like to get married and find out.

What if I told you? Yes.

And what if I told you that painting

is an ordained minister?

Good evening.

I now pronounce you husband and vase.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Anita.

Acelerada.

As�, con voz alta.

Lo que puedan pensar sobre la espalda.

Todos ser�n var�n, pero cae.

Esto no va a parar hasta que estalle.

Jogar tinta.

T�ao pequenininha, mas pode te dar uma volta.

Cai na toca, Cai na toca, Toca da capota.

Sonado. Todo. Todos.

Dos. A la hora de hacer esto han echado

a volar. Fue demasiado.

Los pobres que se alistan, aunque no est�n invitados.

Se eles sa�ram para curtir o baile,

elas v�ao encontrar a majestade.

Chaca chaca.

T�ao pequenininha.

Mas posso te dar uma volta a toda para tocar,

tocar a gaivota.

O qu�ao ela vai ama ler

e n�ao fica contente em ter o que ela quer?

Choca, Choca cuerpo con cuerpo.

Boca. Convoca. Choca.

Choca con. De todo.

Con cuerpo.

Boca con boca.

Cada que Boca.

Toca boca.

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Today the United States held peace negotiations with Iran.

But then just an hour ago, President Trump posted,

if Iran doesn't agree to peace,

the greatest military of all time. Hours.

Well, f Iran right up there. Strait of Hormuz.

Assalamualaikum. You crazy bastards.

Now, I completely made that up.

But isn't it kind of disturbing that you all totally believe.

That he had posted that.

President Trump did genuinely issue a post

threatening to destroy Iran's entire civilization,

and then ended with the phrase praise be to Allah.

And I know that almost sounds makes Trump

sound like he is a radical terrorist.

But remember,

Trump has already been to a Paradise with 72 virgins.

There is growing

confusion over

whether Israel being allowed to continue bombing

Lebanon was part of the cease fire with Iran.

Ultimately, that decision comes down

to the man controlling our military. Benjamin Netanyahu.

Earlier tonight, J.D.

Vance announced that the U.S.

and Iran have ended negotiations without a deal

after talking for 21 hours straight.

And guys, I think they're done for real.

Based on how his mascara's running.

Before the talks fell apart.

President Trump

warned Iran about making any more demands,

saying the Iranians don't seem to realize they have no cards.

They're literally holding a straight.

Kick.

J.D. Vance was asked.

Cadence was asked about Iran's right to enrich uranium.

And he made kind of a weird analogy.

Watch

the right.

Plane.

What the hell are you talking about?

The only thing that makes sense

in that entire analogy is that we can all understand J.D.

Vance, his wife, having the urge to jump.

First Lady Melania Trump made a rare public statement

to deny reports that Jeffrey Epstein

introduced her to Donald Trump because they actually met

when Trump cracked open her shipping container.

On Friday, the Artemis two astronauts returned safely

from their ten day trip around the Hollywood soundstage.

During the mission, the crew of Artemis

two sent back pictures of the rarely seen Dark

Side of the moon, revealing that the moon has a rat tail.

He wanted more out of that.

The justice.

The Justice Department has formed a task force

intended to eradicate anti-Christian bias,

which hopefully works better than the church's strategy

of molesting it out of the.

California police have arrested a man who allegedly threw

a molotov cocktail at the home of ChatGPT

founder, Sam Altman, after ChatGPT told him.

That's a great idea.

Yesterday, Kamala Harris said she is thinking

about running for president again, and I like her chances

as long as she finally grows that penis.

How's that? Oh.

I tried to keep a straight face as long as I could help.

Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr announced

that he is launching a new podcast.

The podcast is called,

No Rabbit.

Rabbit.

It's it's catchy.

Yesterday, report showed inflation spiked to its highest

point in four years due to the war in Iran.

Here to comment are two kids from the back of the school bus.

Yo, yo.

What's up? It's a joke. The show's. Hey,

guys.

Calm down. Calm down. Okay.

You're here to talk about inflation, okay? Right?

Right.

Well, but first, can I just use your phone real quick, Mr.

Jost? I'm sorry. I got confiscated.

Well, why did your phone get confiscated?

I don't know, I, I didn't do nothing.

I didn't do nothing. You've got him. Do nothing to do nothing.

I don't know what you think. If I didn't do nothing,

I don't know. I find that hard to believe. Okay, fine.

I posted a video of me

swiping a debit card between the bus drivers.

Neck Folds

it was like a pack of hot dogs. It was like.

I mean like.

Where you know what?

Because this is Serious. This is Serious

This is serious okay.

What are you guys you got to focus up okay okay.

So okay.

Seriously seriously okay.

Inflation was up 3.3%. Prices are out of control.

Everyone has been affected.

Even my boy grab on. Can't afford these groceries.

Not for real. I feel bad for God. Bone.

Life is tough. Yeah.

Oh my God, who's Gabon?

Oh, Gabon is a friend of ours. Is Gabon these nuts?

Hahahahahahahaha

Has a head got your house?

Yeah.

I really don't appreciate

being shot in the face a bunch of times.

Also, you supposed to come out here

and talk about the inflation report?

You've had this assignment for weeks now, Jimmy.

Choo choo choo choo choo choo. Right now chill out.

Let me lock in Lackey and let him go okay.

Inflation report right.

Let me ask you a basic question of economic basing. Basic.

You got it. You got it, you got it. I got lock in, man.

All right, you got it.

Let me ask your basic question of economics. Okay? Okay. Great.

Yeah. Would you rather eat 100 glizzys

or pass away from big booty disease?

Good question. Good question.

I guess I would obviously choose the glizzy.

Oh, no, Mr. Johnson. Glizzy. God, I.

You nasty bro.

More. All right, you guys. Sir, you're too rowdy.

Okay, you guys need to calm down, okay, fine.

Jokes aside, I don't think this inflation

will predicate a noticeable shift in the Federal Reserve.

Yeah, but it does

put the fed between

a rock and a hard place, because that's more,

low inflation while still encouraging economic growth.

The hell, is that?

You guys, like, secretly smart?

Yes. Dude, we get tutoring from Amanda Gold.

She's a genius. You know, Amanda Gold, who? It wasn't.

Who is Amanda? Amanda gold. Deez nuts.

Yeah. You got him?

Got him. Bitch!

That is a enough. You know what? I'm calling your mom.

I do not do anything.

I didn't even do nothing. I can't even do nothing.

What? You call your mom over here? I didn't do nothing.

Well, please.

No, cause you gonna hate me.

Please, please, please, please do not hit him.

Okay? Oh, we're sorry, Mr. Jones. Okay. We didn't mean it.

Have you ever considered

how our home lives affect our behavior? Yeah.

Did you ever stop to think why we are the way that we are?

Wow. You know, I guess, I guess I haven't.

I apologize,

I guess I can be insensitive sometimes

because when I was younger, I was diagnosed with ligma.

Ligma. Yeah.

It's, ligma fat nuts. Oh, no no no no no.

Third of all for both of world.

Oh my God.

You know,

we're, you know, two kids in the back of the school bus.

Everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm at the king bits on this. Oh.

Okay.

Why do you have fat nuts, man?

A new study has gone.

A new study reveals that sharks in the Bahamas

have tested positive for painkillers.

In fact, the only animals that consume

more painkillers are tigers.

A new report finds that the state

with the most adult children

still living with their parents is new Jersey.

Adult children in new Jersey are calling their report Mar.

Why are you going to tell them that for?

Good.

British officials have blocked

from entering the country to perform any music festival,

despite his offer to meet with members

of England's Jewish community,

which he thinks are the band goblins from Harry Potter.

It was announced that when King Charles visits the US

this month, he will deliver a joint address

to Congress where, God willing, he offers to take us back.

The Google Beach Killer has pleaded guilty

to eight murders on Long Island.

And honey, I hope one of them was your barber.

You like a sassy I am okay.

Yes, I do.

A number of bars around the country

have implemented a policy banning cell phones.

This according to a recent lie.

A man told his wife.

A video has surfaced in which a quadruple amputee

cornhole champion accused of a road rage

shooting is seen firing a semi-automatic rifle

and standing on his head

snorting drugs off a dollar bill.

So what's stopping you from living your best life?

Okay.

A pig a pig named Merlin that can talk

using Preprogramed buttons has set a new world

record for largest Instagram following for a pig.

And that sets a record for smartest pork chop.

He's still got that mustache on your finger.

Doctors are warning against the tick tock trend and

doctors are warning against a Tik Tok trend,

which claims people can cure their hemorrhoids

by putting sugar on their anus, putting sugar on an anus

is also the recipe for Hostess Donuts.

You can't unsee it.

You can't unsee it.

Speaking of, a new book on healthy bowel movements

has been published called You've Been Pooping All Wrong

and They're Right.

I have there.

Oh, boy.

A new study has shown that young people today

are having less than at any other point in history.

Here to comment is Gen Z Sexpert Lynn Greer.

Hi, Michael.

Hi, Michael. So, sex.

Let's talk about it.

Sex is an incredible piece of the human experience,

and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Whether you're vanilla or disgusting.

So you're here to teach Gen Z about healthy sex practices?

Yes. And sex can look like anything.

What is it?

Are you going to tell us?

Of course. Michael, let's get granular. Sex can be any shape.

It doesn't have to be with someone you love.

It just has to be at night.

And you say you're a sex educator, right?

I am. Sex is complicated. It's impossible to understand.

Which is why my sex advice is just do whatever.

I guess I would hope that as an educator,

you'd have some guidance beyond. Just do whatever.

Well, there are only two rules in sex.

One have fun and two.

No raping. Whoa.

Whoa. You disagree? Okay.

No I'm not. I don't think.

I just mean that came out of nowhere.

Well, raping can come out of nowhere.

Okay. Now sex. Let's get into it. What is it?

You keep asking that to echo the same as quote.

I can't define sex, but I know it when I'm having it.

Well,

I have a question. And don't take this the wrong way, but

have you had sex before?

I must have.

If I had it, how would I know all of this?

All of what?

Look, it's okay if you haven't put it this way.

I've had something that might be sex,

and I've had it a lot.

If I haven't had sex, then what do you think I had?

Is that, like, a riddle or something? No.

Here's how it went.

It's night, my friend is there. But I don't love him. Okay.

I get on my hands and knees, curl my head down

towards the bed, kick my legs up and go all the way over.

Then I fall back, breathless.

That sounds like you did a somersault.

Yes, sex can look like anything.

Yeah, but not anything.

Well, here's something else I had.

And I wonder if it was sex. Go for it.

I sat on a catcher's mitt. That's not sex.

But it left me breathless.

Here, everybody just do whatever.

But weekend update, I'm Michael che. I'm Colin Jost.

Just do whatever. Colin. The night. That.

> I WAS JUST LOOKING THROUGH

THE PHOTO BOOKS.

SEEMS LIKE GRANDPA WAS AN

AMAZING GUY.

HE WAS, HONEY.

I'LL MISS HIM.

I FEEL BAD, LIKE GROWING UP

IN FLORIDA, I NEVER

REALLY GOT TO KNOW GRANDPA.

HE WAS A DIFFICULT MAN TO

KNOW.

HE HAD HIS GROUP OF FRIENDS.

THAT'S REALLY IT.

HOPE SOME OF THEM SHOW UP TODAY.

HELLO, KATIE.

HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW.

THANK YOU, FATHER.

THANK YOU, FATHER.

THAT WAS FATHER MURPHY FROM

MY PARISH.

SWEET OF HIM TO COME.

LOOK WHO IT IS.

OH.

UM, UM, UM.

I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

YOUR FATHER WILL BE MISSED.

HEAVEN HAS GAINED A FREAKY

LITTLE ANGEL TODAY.

OH, THINGS CAME OUT A LITTLE

DIFFERENT WITH THESE TWO.

MOM, WHO WAS THAT?

THAT WAS SUEDE.

HOW DOES GRANDPA KNOW SUEDE?

SUEDE WAS ONE OF HIS FRIENDS

FROM THE LIFE.

OH, HI.

CRYSTALINE, TRIBECA, YOU CAME.

HEY, SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

WE BROUGHT A FEW ITEMS WE

THOUGHT HE'D LIKE TO BRING TO

THE BEYOND.

YOU MIND IF WE CASKET HIM?

GO RIGHT AHEAD, GIRLS.

THANKS.

CAN'T FORGET MY PURSE.

OH,

I'M SURE WHEREVER HE IS, HE'S

LOOKING UP AT THOSE GIRLS

SMILING.

LOOKING UP?

MOM, WAS GRANDPA SOME KIND OF

LIKE PIMP?

YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS AN

INCREDIBLE MAN.

AND WHEN HE PUT ON THAT WIG, HE

WAS ONE OF MY BEST HOS.

THANKS FOR COMING,

DELICIOUS.

HE SAY HOS?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID, LITTLE

MAN.

WHO IS GOING TO FLIP HIM OVER?

HE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO BE

BURIED HOW HE LIVED, FACE DOWN,

BOOTY UP.

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT,

MOM?

HONEY, JUST A MOMENT.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, DELICIOUS?

YOU KEEPING THE GIRLS IN LINE?

YOU KEEPING IT 100?

AS ALWAYS.

GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS ABOUT

YOUR DADDY?

YOU COULD HAVE YOUR WAY WITH

HIM, NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOKED

LIKE, AS LONG AS YOU PAID HIM

HIS DOLLAR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ONE DOLLAR?

WHERE ARE MY MANNERS,

DELICIOUS THESE ARE MY SONS,

MIKE AND JAKE.

NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH.

YOU COULD EARN.

YOU GO TO COLLEGE.

WHAT?

MOM, WAS GRANDPA LIKE A SEX

WORKER?

OH, NO, HONEY, HE PREFERRED

THE TERM BOY WHORE.

HEY, I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR

LOSS.

I'M GOING TO MISS JIM BUT I'LL

ALWAYS HAVE A PIECE OF HIM RIGHT

HERE.

OH.

OH, MY GOSH, GRANDPA IS THE

FATHER?

NO MUFFIN IS THE FATHER, I

WAS TALKING ABOUT MY INK.

SPEAKING OF, HAVE YOU SEEN

MUFFIN?

I THINK HE'S SAYING HIS FINAL

GOODBYES.

WOO, WOO!

YO, I AM PLEASED TO REPORT

THAT RIGOR MORTIS HAS SET IN.

WOO!

DUDE, THIS IS INSANE.

WHY IS HE IN THERE?

WHY IS HE GOING BACK IN THERE?

ARE YOU LAUGHING OR CRYING?

LAUGHING BECAUSE THE GOOD

TIMES HAPPEN, CRYING BECAUSE

THEY'RE OVER.

YOU'RE A POET, WHITE COCOA.

THESE ARE MY SONS.

MIKE AND JAKE.

PLEASURE WOULD BE YOUR STREET

NAME IF YOU WORKED FOR ME.

THINK ABOUT IT.

NICE TO MEET YOU, JAKE.

I'M SORRY, HOW MANY PIMPS DID

GRANDPA HAVE?

HOW MANY PIMPS, YOU MIGHT AS

WELL ASK HOW

MANY STARS THERE ARE IN THE SKY.

THAT WOULD BE FOUR.

I'M VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

THANK YOU, MAC DADDY VANILLA.

YOU MUST BE THE FAMOUS MIKE.

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.

YOU GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU WANT

TO LIVE THAT LIFE.

AND YOU, WHAT WERE YOU ADOPTED

FROM THE SHIRE?

FUGLY ASS HO.

OKAY.

MOM, WHAT IS THE LIFE?

YEAH, AND WHY CAN'T I LIVE

IT?

HONEY, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

YOU SET YOUR MIND TO.

REALLY?

ALL RIGHT THEN.

I'M REALLY GOING TO DO IT.

> ONCE AGAIN, ANITTA.

Puedes hacer lo que quieras.

Pero av�same si te vas.

Juega conmigo, no con mi coraz�n.

Desde el momento que te.

No pod�s imaginar.

Dijiste que ibas a quedarte y no est�s.

Varias quejas.

Varias quejas m�s de.

�Por qu� hiciste eso conmigo?

200 noches a tu lado.

No s� si est�s enamorado.

Varias quejas.

Varias quejas. Para de.

�Por qu� hiciste eso conmigo?

200 noches a tu lado

y no s� si estabas enamorado.

Y yo pensando que con usted hab�a encontrado el amor.

Hac� todo igual de bien que antes.

Mi peor error.

Y yo pensando que con usted hab�a encontrado el amor.

Lo hace todo igual de bien que antes.

Mi peor error.

Sab�a yo que iba.

El problema es que te bes� y me olvid�.

Sab�a yo que iba.

El problema es que te bes� y me olvid�.

Varias quejas.

Varias quejas para usted.

�Para qu� hiciste eso conmigo?

200 noche a tu lado.

No s� si estabas enamorado.

Varias quejas.

Varias quejas para usted.

�Por qu� hiciste eso conmigo?

Te sientas a tu lado.

No s� si est�s enamorado.

Parece que

sigues

bien.

�Y bien?

Bien.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

> WONDER WHAT THE NEW TEACHER

IS GOING TO BE LIKE?

PROBABLY LIKE ALL THE OTHER

INSTRUCTORS AT SHERWOOD ACADEMY,

ANOTHER BORING, HUM-DRUM STIFF.

DISCIPLINE.

MEMORIZATION.

CONFORMITY.

ALL THESE HAVE ONE THING IN

COMMON.

THEY'RE NOT WELCOME IN MY

CLASSROOM.

BUT SIR, THE ACADEMY CREED

IS -- THE LEARNED BOY SHALL

CONFORM.

HOOEY, BOYS, THROW YOUR

PENCILS ON THE FLOOR.

BUT THE FLOOR IS WHERE THE

DIRT IS.

DO IT ANYWAY.

THIS IS CRAZY.

WHAT WE'RE DOING IS CRAZY.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

YOU WON'T FIND ANYTHING IN A

TEXTBOOK YOU CAN'T FIND IN YOUR

HEART.

APPLAUSE

HEY, MAN, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE

DOING

WITH THE WHOLE FREE-SPIRITED

TEACHING THING.

AND THAT MIGHT WORK IN LIKE A

POETRY CLASS.

YES, NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT.

YEAH, BUT THIS IS MATH.

RIGHT.

MATH.

YOU'VE PROBABLY ALL BEEN TAUGHT

THAT 5 TIMES 5 IS 25.

BUT WHAT IF IT WASN'T?

IT IS THOUGH.

IT'S 25.

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

BOY RED, MAKE UP A NUMBER, A

NUMBER NO ONE'S HEARD OF BEFORE.

UM, BELEVENTY.

OH, EXCELLENT, HOW DID THAT

FEEL?

I MEAN, IT FELT WEIRD COMING

OUT.

AND IT SHOULD.

YOU, A NUMBER.

CHRISTOPHTHREE.

WONDERFUL.

NOW WHAT DO WE GET WHEN WE

ADD CHRISTOPHTHREE PLUS

BELEVENTY?

WHAT SHOULD IT BE?

OH, MAYBE FLU -- FLOOTY-TWO.

I HAVE CHILLS, FLOOTY-TWO,

YES.

NOW THAT'S MATH WITHOUT

CONFORMITY.

BUT MATH NEEDS TO CONFORM TO

SOLVE REAL-WORLD PROBLEMS.

OH, WE CAN SOLVE PROBLEMS

LIKE 30.

WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVEN'T

SOLVED 30 YET?

BECAUSE 30 IS NOT A PROBLEM.

IT'S A NUMBER.

WHAT IF ALL NUMBERS HAD A

COLOR?

WHAT IF I HOLD UP THIS MANY, AND

SAY IT WAS ORANGE?

AND THIS MANY WAS ONE OF THE

OTHER COLORS.

LILAC.

THAT'S MANY COULD BE LILAC.

YES, NOW YOU'VE MADE UP A

COLOR, TOO,.

LET'S TRY CALCULUS.

HEY, MAN, I DON'T WANT TO SEE

YOU DO

CALCULUS, YOU WERE COUNTING ON

YOUR FINGERS.

WEIR TRYING TO GET INTO COLLEGE.

WHY, SO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD

TO GET A JOB?

YES.

OR TO INVENT A MACHINE --

IT WAS THE FIRST THING, THE

FIRST THING THAT YOU SAID.

THERE YOU GO, STUDENTS

TEACHING THE TEACHER.

I LOVE IT.

LET'S ALL GO AROUND, DO A

LESSON.

WHY DOES SPANISH MATH HAVE

QUATROS BUT NOT ENGLISH?

I DON'T KNOW, LET'S PUT IT

IN.

WHAT IF 1 AND 2 WERE MARRIED

AND 3 WAS THEIR BABY AND 4 WAS

THEIR NEIGHBOR.

WHAT WOULD 5 BE, LIKE THEIR

FRIEND?

I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I

DON'T KNOW!

THAT'S EVERYTHING I HAD.

I'M SORRY.

5 WOULD BE THE DOG.

GENIUS.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

CUSTODIAN, JOIN US.

PUT THAT DOWN.

OKAY.

SOMEBODY BUY THAT MAN A BEER

AFTER CLASS.

WE'RE 14!

I GOT ONE, WHEN COUNTING, WHY

-- WHAT IF YOU COULD COUNT EVERY

NUMBER IN ONE BREATH.

NEVER MIND, YOU CAN'T.

WHY CAN YOU DIVIDE

TWO NUMBERS BUT YOU CAN'T UNITE

TWO NUMBERS.

YOU CAN, IT'S ADDITION!

THIS MIGHT GET ME IN TROUBLE,

BUT I THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO 8.

8 GOT THAT ITTY BITTY WAIST WITH

THAT THING DOWN BELOW.

YES, ACADEMICALLY SPEAKING, 8

IS SLIM THICK.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

THIS IS ALL NONSENSE.

WE'RE JUST MAKING CRAP UP.

WHY DON'T WE CALL THIS MY MOM.

HELLO MOMMY.

WHAT?

LOOK, MOTHER, THIS IS A DOOR,

AND I'M A BUTTERFLY AND I CAN

FLY --

THIS DID NOT HAPPEN.

I WAS NOT HERE.

HE'S THE TEACHER.

GOOD DAY.

OKEY-DOKEY.

STUDENTS, WHY DON'T WE OPEN OUR

TEXTBOOKS TO PAGE FLOOTY-TWO.

TODAY WE ARE TALKING 8.

WE'RE JUST FOUR NORMAL TEENS

LIVING IN THE SUBURBS.

BUT WE DO HAVE A SECRET.

WE TRANSFORM INTO ANIMALS TO

BATTLE EVIL ALIENS!

BUT WE ALWAYS TRANSFORM BACK

IN TIME FOR DINNER.

SAVING HUMANITY?

THAT'S EASY.

THE HARD PART?

IS OUR HOMEWORK!

WE'RE THE BEASTOMORPHS!

YOU CRAZY EARTH KIDS MAY

THINK YOU'VE SEEN THE LAST OF

ME, BUT I'LL BE BACK!

MUAHAHA!

GOOD JOB, GANG, WE SENT THAT

EVIL ALIEN CHUMONGOUS BACK TO

THE LOUSY PLANET HE CAME FROM.

UH-OH, IT'S 6:00 P.M., MOM'S

MEATLOAF IS WAITING FOR US.

LET'S BEASTOMORPH!

NICE.

AND MY HAIR DIDN'T EVEN GET

MESSED UP.

WHO'S CHICKEN NOW?

THIS LITTLE PIGGY KICKED SOME

ALIEN BUTT!

GOOD ONE, NOW MY TURN!

AAGHCHOO!

FART NOISE

AHH!

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME

LIKE THAT?

LET ME GUESS, MY HAIR GOT MESSED

UP.

LIZZIE, DON'T FREAK OUT.

BUT WHEN YOU COMBINATION

SNEEZE-FARTED, YOU GOT STUCK

MID-MORPH.

YOU CAN'T SHOW UP FOR MOM'S

MEATLOAF LOOKING LIKE THAT.

BRITNEY, STOP.

WE ALL KNOW YOUR MOM'S GONE AND

YOU JUST EAT CHIPS.

I DON'T JUST EAT CHIPS.

I EAT CHIPS AND SODA.

WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT, GUYS!

LET'S PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER.

LIZZIE, CAN YOU JUST LOOK AT THE

WALL WHILE WE TALK?

SURE.

LITTLE HARD TO SEE.

I'M KIND OF LOOKING IN TWO

DIRECTIONS AT ONCE.

THINK GUYS, HOW CAN WE FIX

THIS?

MAYBE IF I SNEEZE AND FART

AGAIN, I CAN CHANGE BACK?

FART NOISE

LIZZIE, STOP, YOU'RE GONNA

HURT YOURSELF.

MAYBE IF I FART TWICE, SNEEZE

ONCE, THEN BURP?

AGCHOO.

SHOOT.

FART NOISE

YUCK.

THAT DIDN'T WORK.

OKAY.

WHAT ABOUT SNEEZE, FART, PAUSE,

SPIN AROUND, FART THREE TIMES

QUICKLY, BURP ONCE, THEN FART

AGAIN?

DEFINITELY NOT.

MAYBE IF I DO IT?

YEAH.

GRRRRHHNNFF.

I HAVE TO GO HOME.

OH, NO CHUMONGOUS IS COMING.

IT'S TIME TO MORPH BACK!

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE GREAT CHUMONGOUS

HAS RETURNED.

YOU EARTH KIDS MAY HAVE THOUGHT

BUT DEFEATED ME BUT I'M MORE

POWERFUL THAN EV -- OH MY GOD,

IT SMELLS LIKE -- IN HERE.

SORRY, WE'VE ALL BEEN

SPINNING, FARTING AND BURPING

FOR THE PAST FEW MINUTES.

WHY?

ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND, I DON'T

CARE.

PREPARE TO DIE YOU -- YOU

BEAUTIFUL CREATURE.

YOU'RE JUST ABOUT THE MOST

PERFECT THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU REALLY THINK SO?

YES.

THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM.

WHAT IS IT?

THAT FROG HAND AIN'T GOT MY

THING IN IT.

EW, DUDE.

SORRY, IS THAT LIKE A BIG

DEAL FOR YOU GUYS?

THAT'S LIKE LESS THAN FIRST BASE

WHERE I'M FROM.

WHERE I'M FROM, IF YOU GO

VISIT YOUR GRANDMOTHER IN THE

HOSPITAL, YOU LEAN OVER AND YOUR

GRANDMA JUST GRABS YOUR THING.

OUT OF RESPECT.

WHAT?

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WANT TO BE MY QUEEN OF

CHUMONGIA?

WELL, IT SURE BEATS HOMEWORK.

ACHOO!

AHHH!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Tonight.

Tonight is for all the little boys in the inner cities.

All the little girls and small corners of Brazil.

Who. Tonight is for the dreamers.

Tonight is for the people

who bring light into the world, especially

Lorne Michaels.

And this beautiful cast.

Thank you to the band.

Thank you to everyone

who came to come together in a dark room and just laugh

when we need more left in the world. Oh.

This has been an epic night.

And we want to send you away

with a big ol kiss and love and to love on each other.

Thank you so much to every single one of you

in this journey.

Good night.