Original subtitles

[theme music]

HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, please

welcome Christopher Titus!

[cheering]

Hello, everyone!

Yeah!

Yes!

Santa Barbara!

Yes.

Good evening.

Yes! Good to have you guys here.

Yes!

Thank you!

Thank you.

Do you guys know why you're here tonight?

You think it's because you like paying

to sit in a darkened room with a bunch of people who

may or may not smell like they just

had food from their homeland.

[cheering]

No.

We're here tonight because comedy

gets rid of our desire to kill.

[cheering]

You notice, you don't need cloud after a good day,

when you wake up all bright eyed,

and bushy tailed, and the world just

feels like a Taylor Swift song.

And you start your day with a fresh squeezed glass of hope,

and possibility, and a whole wheat slice of confidence

slathered in I'm sexy, and I know it!

Your welcome lady.

[laughter]

You go to work with your first phone call.

You bring 1,500 jobs back to the US of mother humping A.

And good jobs too, not those Walmart concentration

camp jobs.

With your second phone call, you accidentally

save a Chinese baby that'll never have to build

iPhones in Beijing again.

It's a good damn day.

You go home that night. You walk in the front door.

Your kids are gone.

They're not dead.

They're just gone, relax.

[laughter]

It's not that good of a day.

[laughter]

And you notice a trail a rose petals in the front door

into the bedroom, and you wish to god that your gardener spoke

English.

But you walk in that bedroom, and the person you've decided

to spend your life with is dressed

in your favorite sexual fantasy costume--

Batman and Wonder Woman, Allen Thicke,

hobo, whatever you want.

And you have amazing sex.

You have the kind of sex that sperm

tell their children about!

And that night, you sleep like you never have.

You sleep like a baby that just shot heroine.

[laughter]

Oh, that's a sleeping ass baby.

You don't need comedy for that day.

It's a good day.

You need comedy for those other days when you wake up wet.

And you think, that's why I was dreaming

about escaping from Mexico.

And you look over the edge of the bed,

and you notice four inches of water on the floor.

And it's dripping from the ceiling.

And you realize the $1,200 you paid

your plumber, he used for strip clubs and lottery tickets.

And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull,

because you know that this house you

bought in 2006 before the market crashed

is even further underwater.

And this time, it's not a fucking metaphor!

[laughter]

And you're going to have to use the kid's college fund

to pay for the damage.

Great.

So now, I've got deal with this sentence for the next 15 years.

Dude, your house is beautiful.

When'd your kid get out of county?

And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull.

And they think, hold on.

I don't have to use any of the kid's college funds.

Screw that.

I have life insurance.

I'll just kill myself.

[manic laughter]

I'm already on antidepressants.

They can just blame that.

Thank you for waiting.

Wait, wait, wait. Why should I kill myself?

Screw that.

You know what?

I'm going to go down to Walmart, and get a rifle,

and then go to the mall and play duck, duck, goose.

That's what I'm going to do.

And then you figure, hold on.

I can't do that either, because everybody's doing it.

[laughter]

So to calm down, you stopped by your local Peet's Tea,

Seattle's best star job, a buck's

dark roasted crack house for your morning cup of control.

That's right.

I said control, because none of us like paying $5 for coffee.

But for a second, at that counter,

you get to run your life.

Hi.

I'd like a skinny vanilla latte, two

extra pumps of syrup, 190 degrees, and this much foam

on the top.

And you hear yourself order.

And you realize, oh my god.

I'm a douche.

Wow!

[applause]

If my father would have heard me order that,

he would hit me in the testicles with a business

end of an Oldsmobile Delta '88.

And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull.

But then you notice the barista.

But first, you have to face the fact

that you just knowingly out loud used the word, "barista."

But he's amazing.

He's doing six drinks at one time.

And he's doing it all with one hand.

And you're like, that's what I'm talking about.

Excellence in America, someone who loves their job,

and he does it with style.

And then you realize, ah shit.

He's only got one hand.

[laughter]

And you see the little purple heart

medal stuck to his little corporate coffee

visor they make them wear.

Yeah, the visor that says, if you start your day with us,

you'll never be "latte" for work again.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

And you vomit a little bit in the back of your throat

as you realize that this man that put everything on the line

for this great country is serving asse-chinos

for minimum wage, and the darkest creeps a little further

inside your skull.

But then he puts your morning cup of sunshine right

in front of you.

Thanks man.

And you take that first perfect, life-affirming sip-- (SINGING)

Ah.

Mmm.

Pft, pft!

Ah-- (YELLING) this is a mocha!

Nobody here lost your arm.

You obviously don't pay attention, man!

It's written on the side of the damn cup!

But you don't say that, because then

you don't support the troops.

But guess what?

I do support the troops, but it's only coffee.

How did you dick that up, Gomer Pyle?

And you hear yourself screaming inside your own head.

And you realize, oh god.

I'm the one with PTSD.

And you know if you don't get some help right away,

you're going to be on the news tonight.

And the words used to describe you are standoff and loner.

And while you're standing there trying to get it together,

the barista goes, dude, are you OK?

And you go, no!

I just need a good laugh!

And that's why we're here tonight.

[cheering]

We've got school shootings, terrorism, Bank

of America customer service.

[laughter]

Sorry.

I told the guy on the phone, I'm going to talk about every show.

I swear to God, fix it. or I talk about you every show.

[cheering]

Thank god Iraq worked out, and we're cool with Russia now.

And we're not importing Ebola.

What a great time to live.

[laughter]

We've got a new boutique terrorist group.

Now, do terrorists do demographic research?

You know, terrorists are supposed to terrorize us.

They have bombed Boston and New York.

You don't terrorize though.

You can stab someone in New York.

And they go, I'm walking!

People in Boston beat each other's ass over hockey

when they like the same team.

[laughter]

That's who you bomb?

Terrorists, go after Seattle.

It's just stoners and lesbians, man.

You can, you can terrorize Seattle with pimento loaf.

Hey man, they've got some weird meat, and it's not gluten free.

Get the Subaru and the kayak.

We're out of here!

[cheering]

Boston?

Really, Boston?

The second that bomb went off in Boston, everybody in Boston--

(BOSTON ACCENT) we're going to find these guys,

and they're going to end up bleeding out in a boat.

[laughter]

And what is your political stance bombing

the Boston Marathon? (SHOUTING) We

will never let the Reebok covered foot of oppression

hold us down!

How bad can you hate sweatbands, booty socks, and Kenyans?

[laughter]

Those are black people that run really fast, Santa Barbara.

[laughter]

Yeah, look it up.

I know.

[cheering]

What is this black person he speaks of?

[laughter]

I don't understand terrorizing America.

I don't understand the hatred for America.

I don't get it.

How can you spend 30 minutes in our country and be pissed?

We have strip clubs and go kart tracks everywhere--

sometimes, in the same complex, because it's

hard to find a sitter.

[laughter]

We're innovative damn it.

I know why these people are pissed.

I get why terrorists are mad.

They were born in some horrible, sand-covered nightmare.

It's 120 degrees all the time you know.

The best view you can have is an oil rig and camel ass.

That's pretty much all you get, you know?

It's summer all the time, but not a bikini to be seen.

I mean, you've got to masturbate to a woman blinking fast.

I understand.

[laughter]

But why hate America, you know?

We love our immigrants here.

Come to our country.

Enjoy the fruits of this great land!

And then when you go--

[cheering]

Yes!

Yes!

And then when you go home to visit, blow some shit up there.

That's where you got mad.

You want to know-- you want to know

how amazing our country is?

Here's how amazing America is.

We have people from this country right now

that should be terrorists, and they're not.

If a bomb went off tomorrow and the Cherokee

Nation claimed responsibility, we would all go, OK.

Yeah.

All right, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get it.

Totally get it, yeah.

Yeah.

You, you would see Anderson Cooper.

The FBI has determined it definitely

was the Cherokee nation that committed

this heinous and brutal act.

The FBI has responded with this statement.

We're cool.

[laughter]

Frankly, we're surprised it took this long.

We knew the casinos would not be enough.

[laughter]

And I'm very tired of hearing about terrorism, because you

know, it's bad enough, sure.

But we hear about it all the time.

And I got scared awhile back.

I was like, well, how much terrorism is there really?

So I went to that pressure cooker bomb

making website they're already talking about,

you know, to see how many people would hit it.

And I'm sure I'm going to have no problem getting

on an airplane for the next two years.

I wasn't thinking.

But I'm going to be the guy at TSA going,

I was trying to write some jokes!

Ow, ow, ow!

[applause]

I go to the website.

33 plus thousand people had hit the pressure

cooker bomb making website.

That's a lot of terrorism, right?

And I got freaked out.

So then I went to kittens plays with yarn.

[sighs]

6.2 million hits.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, we are a furry creature loving people.

I will tell you what.

I put 6.2 million cat people up against 30,000 terrorists

any day of the week.

Yeah, you get all your little terrorists

together in a stadium. (ACCENT) We are 30,000 strong.

We're going to destroy this imperialistic nation.

Oh, no you aren't, you son of a bitch.

[cheering]

Do you see how many of us there are my friend?

That better be a goulash in that pot,

or myself and Captain Jack Sparrow eater

are going to be up your ass.

[laughter]

That's how religion be getting it since the beginning of time.

Armageddon is coming.

End of the world is upon us.

You better get ready for judgment day.

Armageddon is coming!

And if you're not good, you're going to go to the bad place

with the burning fire and icy toilet sheets.

Personal hell.

Armageddon's coming.

They've been talking about it since the beginning of time.

Well, I say, bring it on, because some of us need to go.

[laughter]

Do you know who I'm pissed at more than anybody right now?

The Mayans.

I'm sorry.

World was supposed to end December 21st, 2012.

I didn't buy anybody Christmas presents.

I look like a dick.

[laughter]

Do you know how much dried food I own right now?

I have four months of dry food for three people.

And you can't just snack on it during the playoffs,

because what if Armageddon happens?

Then you screwed the box all up.

You get to the end after Armageddon,

you've got to eat one of the kids.

And which kid do you eat?

The big one that feeds more people?

The little one who makes a better sauce?

What do you do?

[laughter]

Aren't you guys preppers?

If you have not decided which child you're going

to eat first after Armageddon, you

cannot call yourself a prepper.

[laughter]

I spray painted mine 1 and 2.

Kids, what are you guys doing, playing soccer in the backyard?

Get in here, and play video games.

Don't get tough.

[laughter]

So because the Mayans screwed it up, because how

could a 5,000 year old dead society that wore loin cloths

and threw teenagers into volcanoes

possibly have missed the Armageddon date?

I think we need to legislate Armageddon day.

Here's my pitch.

For the next seven years, five days

a month, we have Armageddon day.

No rules whatsoever.

Total anarchy, like when Detroit wins a championship.

[laughter]

That's right.

Just bullets and fire man.

And the people that don't have their heads

on swivels that aren't paying attention

will get taken out as well.

They should.

So who do I think is the first group should

be taken out on Armageddon day?

Level one person?

Anybody who wears pajamas in public.

[cheering]

Now, that, that isn't the actual problem that you're wearing

pajamas.

But you made that decision.

You're going to get us all killed in Armageddon.

If you have the balls to wear Spongebob flannel pajamas

in the mall, you need to climb into the wood

chipper on your own.

[cheering]

You're not helping.

Level two person?

Unless you're 95, anybody who can't make a simple

left across three lanes of traffic,

unless there's a light year between them

and the oncoming vehicle.

Now, on Armageddon day, the guy behind him,

totally within his legal rights to pull

a double barreled Mossberg and vaporize that guy's head.

Then the torso would fall forward,

and the car would clear the intersection!

And productivity would rise 3.7%.

Level three person, and this one may piss you off Santa Barbara.

I only give them level three status, because of

their cardiovascular fitness.

Bicyclists who believe they deserve

an entire lane of traffic.

[cheering]

Really?

OK.

Now, really?

Really, you need a whole lane?

The bike is that wide.

You're obviously an alcoholic.

But it's a law.

But it's a law.

But it's a law, ching, ching.

It's a law.

Yeah, well, the laws of physics say something different.

[cheering]

And I believe that supersedes man's law.

And I know I'm being a dick right now.

I get it, because I don't think I would last

very long on Armageddon day.

I'd make it to maybe level five.

And then you guys would just turn around one day.

You'd go, you know what Titus?

All you do is bitch.

And I'd be so happy.

I made level five!

Level seven, level eight, muscle guys.

You're a big muscle guy.

You can bench press double your body weight.

You're going to make the level seven easy, because we're going

to need you after Armageddon to hold stuff up

while we renail it.

[laughter]

And if you're a muscle guy with a Ph.D.,

you'll last until the end.

But if you're a muscle guy, that's all you've got,

you know the guy in the gym that can curl two

85 pound dumbbells 15 times.

But then for some reason, on the last rep,

feels the need to slam them to the floor,

scaring the hell out of everyone, and then he goes, ah!

[applause]

Did you have a stroke man?

What just happened?

Did your nervous system collapse in on itself?

Same guy gets instant Alzheimer's and just

walks away from the weights.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Colton, come here.

See these things on the side of the weights?

Those are called numbers, and they

match numbers on that rack.

And if you can't figure that out,

maybe you could spray paint duckies and bunnies,

and you can match the animals.

[cheering]

You should only be able to lift a weight

that you can count up to.

And dude, I love the dragon tattoo.

I guess if you don't feel it on the inside,

you've got to paint it on the outside.

I know that's an expensive joke for a lot

of people in California.

[whistling]

It's a Bengal tiger dick head.

It's my spirit animal.

And if you've ever said the words, it's my spirit animal,

you're a major douchebag.

[cheering]

And a level one.

Unless, you're Cherokee, and then I'm fine.

I'm saying, we need a tune up people.

Currently, right now, we're the softest, fatest,

most self-centered beings on the planet.

And those are the people I like.

We are drug addicted, and porn consumed,

airbag and bubble wrapped, overfed,

but undernourished, on antipsychotics,

but still crazier than Gary Busey on bath salts in Florida.

[cheering]

Everybody.

We need a tune up.

We need a tune up man.

And I know I'm making fun of us right now.

I know I'm making fun of human beings

right now, because we're in a bad place.

But the other side of us is amazing.

The things we've come up with, we're incredible.

We're the baddest ass species to ever walk this planet man.

That's why we are the apex predator.

My god!

We survived the ice age, because we used our big brains,

and we invented hot chocolate.

[laughter]

I'm not a scientist.

When the Black Plague tried to wipe us out--

I'm not talking about Civil Rights--

what I'm talking about-- is the plague

that swept through Europe.

And I'm not talking about the French.

What I'm talking about-- but we got smart.

We started copping into our sleeves.

You stop wiping boogers on our friends.

We stopped making cheeseburgers from the dead.

[laughter]

We are the only animal that thinks about the future.

No other animal thinks about the future.

We're the only animal that thinks about the future.

That's it.

That's why we invented vaccines.

No other animal came up with vaccines.

You don't see the dogs getting together.

Guys, this parvo thing is really jacking us up.

Everybody kick in a T-bone for a research grant,

I think we'll be cool.

Maybe we could make some more money by selling t-shirts.

I know we all hate wearing t-shirts.

And these vaccines are incredible.

We've eradicated horrible diseases with these vaccines.

And sure, these vaccines may or may not cause autism.

But you've got to break a few eggs.

[laughter]

We invented airplanes.

That's metal that flies.

And those planes get where they're going most of the time,

if they stay out of Russian airspace.

All right.

I've got another one.

[laughter]

Those planes get where they're going most of the time,

if we can locate them.

[laughter]

Yeah.

You do realize that we just kind of forgot about 300 people that

went down in the ocean, right?

Yeah.

We looked around for three months.

But the NFL started a new season.

Fuck it. We've got to move on.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

We gave it a shot.

We gave it a shot.

We're amazing.

And what bothers me about us right now

is that we're all so smart.

Yet, we're waiting for other people to invent shit for us

to buy.

That's what bothers me the most right now.

And all of us are smart enough to invent it.

We even forgot about the cool stuff we already own.

Cars-- cars are the coolest thing in the world,

and they only kill 40,000 people a year.

In a country of 400 million, I will roll those dice.

Currently, I'm more afraid of the safety devices in my car.

My new car has 11 airbags around me.

I'm afraid I'm going to get in a bad accident.

Everything's going to pop at once,

and I'm going to suffocate.

[laughter]

[screaming] No-- poof.

Mmm!

Oh my god.

Did you hear Titus died in a horrible car wreck?

What happened to him? Nothing.

Not a mark on him.

Nothing.

The new Mercedes S Class will drive

itself up to 31 miles an hour.

How great is that going to be when

you're drunk leaving the club?

[laughter]

You could sleep through a two hour low speed police chase.

[laughter]

Cops finally get into the car, pull it over.

Knock, knock, knock.

Ah!

Ugh!

Oh.

[laughter]

It wasn't me.

The car is German.

It's very arrogant.

[laughter]

We are so smart.

We're such an amazing species.

We think of stuff we don't need.

We thinking on the atomic level.

We invented the atomic bomb.

A horrible device, but it stopped World War II,

and it inspired the Japanese to destroy

our economy and our culture by inventing the PlayStation.

[laughing]

We're amazing people, we are amazing.

The stuff we've invented, the stuff we come up with.

We're amazing.

That's for the apex predator.

And the even cooler thing about it

is that we're easily killed, that we

invented all this cool stuff, that we're killed so easy.

That's crazy.

You don't think we're killed easy?

OK.

Have one too many tequilas tonight.

You'll be high giving Jesus in the morning.

And that's plant based.

Bump your head in that soft spot right there,

with 40 pounds of pressure.

Oh-- all you muscle guys that are mad about the joke earlier,

can't tell me I'm a human specimen.

Bring it on.

All I've got to do is write some fresh poop on a sharp stick,

poke you really hard.

Two days later, dead.

Christopher Titus, budget assassin.

[laughter]

It's amazing to me that my dogs can eat a pound of cat crap,

and they're fine.

But if they want to show their fecal delicacy with me

by licking my face twice, next day, I'm in ICU,

eating lunch through a tube.

We've saved our own asses, because we

always think about the future.

Now, what's coming to get us man?

How do we save ourselves?

What do I got to do next?

My dogs do not have a future.

Their entire life happens right here.

Whatever's in front of them, that's it man.

Put a piece of chicken in front of my dog, that's it.

Their life is over for the day.

Chicken!

There has always been chicken.

There will always be chicken.

Chicken is the best thing in the world-- chicken.

Take that away, put a ball.

Ball!

I love ball.

Ball's the best thing.

Take ball, piss.

Sock!

It's the same reaction every time.

It's amazing to watch.

Put a piece of chicken front of us.

Chicken!

Man, I hope they cooked that long enough,

no salmonella on that chicken.

Is that what those black dots are?

Is that salmonella?

Because I hear about it all the time on the news

on spinach, on lettuce, on chicken.

And the one thing about chicken though, that makes

more sense to me, you know?

And what is salmonella?

Am I puking and pooping so I can't drive to the hospital?

And if that's the case, does Obamacare

even cover an ambulance right?

I don't know, you know?

You know, I tried to go on the website and pick the plan,

and I couldn't get on.

And my wife did, but she just threw a dart.

God, I hope the kids are covered.

I didn't even think about that. My god.

And my little one, she's always saying, oh, he's so creative.

I don't think he's creative man.

I drive him to school, and he just stares

at the sun the entire way man.

I think he's an idiot.

I'm not saving for his college.

I'm buying a ski boat.

Screw that kid.

We're not doing this.

And then the people you're having dinner with go dude,

are you going to eat your chicken?

Oh, I forgot I had chicken.

[applause]

We're always-- yeah.

We're always out there man.

What's coming, what's coming to kill us, and how do we stop it?

What is coming to kill us?

And how do we stop it?

And then once we prove with billions of research

that something's definitely going to kill us,

we stop giving a flying rat's ass about it.

Case in point, cigarette.

Says it right on the pack man.

Cigarettes kill everybody.

Government knows this. Government, cigarettes kill.

We heard. What do we do?

Put a label on it.

Good idea.

Yeah.

I guess it's on you now.

Says it on the pack, this kills your ass dead.

You will live 11 years less than everybody you know.

I know.

I read it.

I'm not an idiot.

[laughter]

Look around.

I don't want to be here that long anyway.

Too many level one's.

[laughter]

We're always thinking about man.

Prescription medication currently kills

more people than car accidents.

I know, it's horrible.

People don't know how to dose.

It's one pill for every two beers.

[laughter]

They know it man.

The nuclear weapon, worst thing ever invented.

They know it vaporizes everything

when it goes off and leaves residue for 1,000 years.

I know.

We've got to keep making them though.

Why?

Well, because we might want to destroy

everything and screw it up for 1,000 years,

because that will show them.

[laughter]

Now, that's why it didn't surprise me at all after New

Town, Aurora, this right here, USCB--

all these shootings that we can't

come up with one new gun law?

Not even a good one, like hey, if you've

got more voices in your head than bullets

in the clip, no gun for you!

Little law, a tiny law.

Little, tiny law.

And I want to talk to you gun people right now.

And I know you're in here, because I just

heard your anuses squeak shut.

[cheering]

I want you to know, I'm not anti-gun.

I'm definitely anti-douchebag.

And currently, right now, the NRA

is cannon-balling the douchebag train through Numb-nuts-ville.

My god.

I have never seen a crazier lobby organization in my life.

They used to be cool. You know what they used to do?

They had these programs for boy scouts.

They would teach them gun safety.

That's what everyone should do.

You might stumble across a gun, because they've sold so many,

they could be just lying around.

They would raise deer limits so hunters could shoot more.

That's what the NRA used to do.

Now, be clear.

They sell guns.

That's it.

And I wish they would have the balls to just come

out and say what they made.

Because they've said so much crazy things

these last couple of years. Just come out and say it.

Just walk to the mike and go, by the way,

we could stop school shootings if we just got rid of children.

[laughter]

And the house would pass that instantly.

No more children. We just outlawed them.

There you go.

Wow.

We saved $38 billion dollars off the education budget.

Yeah, the black guy didn't do that, did he?

[scattered applause]

[laughter]

Now, I want you guys to know my children go

to a Christian school, because I believe every child need

a base knowledge in illusion.

[laughter]

And there's no Harry Potter school.

There's no Lord of the Rings school.

I would send my kid to a Star Wars school in a second.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Faith, the force, same thing, different helmet.

[laughter]

And don't get me wrong.

I'm not anti-religion at all.

Religion's good for you.

Whatever works for you, you know?

I'm a little anti-atheist.

How can those people be that pissed about believing

in nothing?

You ever get an atheist fired up?

They just start going, I can't believe

there's a guy, this guy, angels, and Santa Claus, and wishes,

and, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I also believe in anger management.

[laughter]

Because you're acting like a jihad atheist right now,

and it scares me that you don't get the irony.

So then the NRA came out. And they said, all right.

You know what you need to do?

We need to have armed guards in the school.

Good idea.

More adults with weapons near the children, perfect.

Yeah, because security guards are always so well balanced,

aren't they?

Ugh, I was almost a cop-- almost a cop.

I was almost a cop.

God damn, I was almost a cop.

Almost a cop.

Almost a cop.

Hey!

Hey Zimmerman, you OK?

Yeah, I was almost a cop, almost.

Almost a cop.

They said, all right.

That's kind of expensive, too many guards at the school.

I know what we'll do.

They actually gave us in a news story,

we need to arm the teachers.

[laughing]

Let me be very clear about this one.

If any of my teachers had ever been armed,

there would be no show tonight.

[cheering]

Are you serious?

Do you guys know your kids?

AUDIENCE: No.

Do you want anybody that spends seven to eight hours a day

with your children to have a weapon?

Murders and suicides would sky rocket.

Just some poor teacher in Alabama

getting her standardized testing results back.

Oh my god.

I've been teaching these idiots for nine months.

[laughter]

But I'll tell you what.

I could fix every problem currently plagued in

this amazing country right now.

I really could.

And you know what?

It's not armed guards at our school.

That is asinine.

It is not arming our teachers.

That is just stupid.

Well, we could fix every problem with America if we

would simply arm the children.

[laughter]

Come on.

Yeah, come on NRA.

NRA, let's get fucking crazy.

Second amendment, second amendment, second amendment.

I love people that get fired up about the second, god given

right, god given right.

No, Moses chiseled into stone, that was the 11th commandment.

And then he came down the mountain,

and he threw it at the calf, and it broke off.

So then Jesus and Thomas Jefferson had to rewrite it.

That's what happened.

And then Gandhi put a sandwich on it,

and then Martin Luther King marched

around it about three times.

Can't change the second amendment.

Well, for those of you that believe that,

I have some bad news.

Constitution's been changed 27 times.

Shut up comedian!

Shut up!

Quit talking!

Ah, ah, ah, first amendment.

[laughter]

Yeah.

Don't just quote the sexy amendments.

Two words that have never been put together ever.

And I will be honest with you.

I give you guys an honest shot.

How many people here think they are totally capable and totally

qualified to own a weapon?

Whoo!

[cheering]

First of all, anybody that goes, whoo doesn't get a gun.

Sorry.

You yell out in public.

You overreact.

They're easily led.

Can't have a gun.

You're a psychopath.

You people that calmly clap, eh, you seem OK.

You can have a gun.

If you happen to have a Confederate flag

sticker anywhere on your pickup truck, no gun for you!

I'm sorry, no.

That was a terrorist organization trying to split

our great country in two.

You might as well have an al-Qaeda

stick on the other side and ISIS over your Travis Tritt.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

I'll fix that joke in the second show.

Shut up.

And here's how I honestly believe

about the whole gun thing.

I believe if you hit the age of 30,

you should instantly be banned from owning a weapon.

And here's why.

If you made it to 30, you have some damage.

You know what psychotic anger is.

You've had your heart broken repeatedly, sometimes

by the same person, you idiot.

Got screwed over at work, had money ripped off from you,

gotten an investment with one of your brothers,

and he got his money back, but you

didn't, because you were tier two,

whatever the fuck that means.

Bank of America customer service.

[laughter]

I told him.

At any minute, any one of us over 30 could snap like a twig.

But kids don't have that problem.

They're just kids man.

They do what they're told.

They'd probably hate wearing them.

Be fun to wake them up, though.

Guys, we're late for school. Get your backpack.

Get your homework. Get your Glock.

We've got to move.

Let's go, let's go.

I don't want to wear my Glock!

Hey, hey, 28th Amendment.

Put on your damn gun.

No, not the Hello Kitty holster.

You look like an idiot.

There you go.

Problem solved, you know?

Train them how to use their guns.

They're in class with their guns.

Perfect, no problem, then have some 22 year old

psycho burst into their school.

You know that kid I'm talking about?

That kid who was raised on television, and video games,

and decided to live his life by the rules

of the kind of Mordor.

Kids whose parents didn't smack him, you know,

ground him, or hug him enough except

to put him on a diet of Ritalin, Prozac, and Cheetos.

So not only is his brain fried, but his level of nutritionist

is so low, he hasn't taken a good dump in a fortnight.

And I don't know how long that is,

but I know it's at least four days.

[laughter]

And that kid bursts into your kid's school,

you know, carrying a Bush master his dad bought at Walmart

but didn't lock it up, because he figured,

it's just a semi automatic weapon.

What could happen?

And he kicks open your kid's classroom

door, starts talking like Satan, threatens to take their souls.

The kids could very calmly put down the number two pencils

and pull their nine millimeters.

[gun sound mimicry]

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

There you go.

No more crazy shootings, people getting hurt.

And all we had to do was arm the children.

You know what?

That's such a pretty phrase.

Say that with me one time.

On three, one, two, three.

AUDIENCE: Arm the children.

Yes.

But I said I'd fix everything.

I'm going to fix education.

We all agree there's good and bad teachers, right?

We've got to get rid of the bad teachers.

We all agree to that.

We said, OK.

Let's test all the teachers.

Well, the teacher's union stood up and went, no, no, no.

Can't test teachers.

It's not a good measure of performance.

[laughter]

Even the teachers went ugh, crap.

Somebody remind them it's what we do please.

Fine, we don't need to test the teachers.

We'll just arm the children.

Then you'll just know who the bad teachers are.

Mrs. Cooper is leaking, bad teacher.

It'll also change a parent teacher

conference dynamic quite a bit.

Oh, you ever take your little one

to parent teacher conference when they're screwing up?

Don't you like an idiot?

Michael's not doing good at math.

Ugh, even my sperm is stupid.

I've got to stop watching porn and drinking.

I suck as a father.

But if we arm the children, that changes 180 degrees.

Michael's not doing good at math.

[laughing]

Really?

Well, that's a bummer, because for Christmas, I

got him a Desert Eagle.

So you better figure out how to unlock his learning potential--

[laughter]

--or the spring semester is going to be a bitch.

I'll see you in a couple months, I hope.

There you go, education fixed.

And all we had to do is arm the children.

Say it again, one, two, three.

AUDIENCE: Arm the children.

Yes.

Now, I'm going to stop bullying, because bullying is bad.

Bullying's the scourge of America.

We're spending $30 million across the country

on anti-bully programs.

You want to guarantee your kid gets

his ass kicked, get him involved in an anti-bully program.

If that was going on when I was in school,

I would've found those kids and beat them

up just to be ironically funny.

[punching mimicry]

No, I'm not mad.

I'm just making a point.

Government intervention doesn't always work.

This is extra credit for history class.

But if we arm the children, bullying is over.

It just levels the playing field.

Hey, give me your lunch money.

Ch-ch-- what?

[laughter]

Yeah, that's what I thought you said.

Yeah.

Maybe you should think twice before you bust into chess club

like that.

[laughter]

No more bullies.

And all we had to do is arm the children.

Say it again, one, two, three.

AUDIENCE: Arm the children.

Yes.

Now, I'm going to save this country $200 billion.

You're welcome.

Child abuse-- horrible situation right now man.

We spend all this money, Child Protective Services,

Social Services.

We subsidize foster care.

We build homes for abused kids.

It's a bad situation.

But if we arm the children, child abuse is over,

and parental abuse begins.

Damn it Brian, is that the second time you've spilled milk

at my dinner table?

Well, I'm not having that shit in my house!

I'm going to take this belt off and--

[gun loading mimicry]

And I'm going to get you a paper towel.

[laughter]

Because, because I'm your daddy, and I love you Brian.

(CRYING) Remember when you said you

wanted to be a cowboy Brian?

Cowboys don't shoot their daddies in the back, right?

Child abuse over, and all we had to do was arm the children.

What do we do?

AUDIENCE: Arm the children.

Now, let's help law enforcement.

Cops have a tough job, toughest job of all.

Imagine all the crime that cops have to deal with.

And just on top of that, they've got

child molesters and pedophiles.

And that's a weird one, because it

happened behind closed doors.

That guy's a child molester.

Great.

Now, we've got three officers to interview the guy,

get him to admit it, or find out that we'll

never going to know it.

They interview the kid.

Is the kid lying?

And then you guys know this?

If someone gets convicted of pedophilia, child molestation,

they go to prison.

But they go to isolation, which costs

us $35,000 extra per prisoner per year of our tax money.

But if we arm the children.

[cheering]

We will never have to track down a pedophile again.

We will just stumble across them.

[laughter]

Like ah, damn it Chuck.

We got another one.

No, just get the van.

Yes, we have room.

Just move the Boy Scout leaders to the side.

[applause]

There you go.

No more pedophiles.

And all we had to do was arm the children.

What do we do?

AUDIENCE: Arm the children.

Do you see how Hitler got started?

[laughter]

You see?

You guys were yelling arm the children.

That was a social experiment, and you failed miserably.

You're all level ones again now.

It's amazing to me how brilliant we are individually, all of us.

But you get us in a group, we will follow any dumbass idea,

as long as it's presented well.

Oh yeah man, yeah.

[applause]

Got to go to war with Iraq.

Arm the children.

Weapons of mass destruction, arm the children.

I did not have sex with that Lewinsky woman.

Arm the children.

NAFTA is going to bring us 10 million jobs.

Arm the children.

You can keep your health care plan if you want.

Arm the children.

Don't just clap for that one.

We need something to believe in.

Human beings are amazing to me, because we need something.

We can't just live in the minute.

We can't.

Got to need something to believe,

something to get behind, something to survive.

And right now, we're so safe in America

that we had to make up things to survive.

Do you understand how safe we really are in America that we

invented stuff to be afraid of?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

9/11.

AUDIENCE: Oh.

It's a conspiracy, total conspiracy bro.

Total conspiracy.

Aliens, fluoride.

Do you know how safe we are that somebody

was brushing his teeth one morning,

and was like-- holy hell.

Trying to kill us.

It's in the water too.

You know what they say in Africa?

You have water?

[laughter]

Conspiracy's my fav-- I used to be a big conspiracy guy.

I was up until someone said, New Town was a false flag event.

And I went, OK.

New dealer, I'm out.

My favorite conspiracy of all time is the gun conspiracy.

That's my favorite one. Yeah.

Yeah, the black socialist Kenyan president's

going to take your guns away.

But before that, it was a redneck from Crawford's

going to take our guns away.

And before that, it was that fat guy who's

getting oral sex in the Oval Office

is going to take our guns away.

For you people that actually believe the government is going

to come for your guns, I am going to make you feel so much

better in three easy steps.

Are you ready?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Step number one, the government can't take your guns,

because you have guns.

[laughter]

Yeah!

[applause]

You can use your gun to defend your gun.

Poof.

[applause]

Step two.

Now, step two is a little scary.

Step two is where the conspiracy started,

because when the 2nd announcement was written,

we had muskets.

And the government had muskets.

In fact, the government was in such trouble.

They were like guys, um, we've got

to go to war with the British.

Could you please bring your muskets?

We are going to give you matching hats.

Which is all I remember from history class.

But now, as American citizens, we

are legally allowed to own Bushmaster

semi-automatic weapons with 60 and 100 round magazines.

Hell yeah.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Whoo!

My penis does not feel as small as it used to.

Oh, it's like a Camaro I can hold.

[laughter]

But don't forget, the government doesn't have Bushmasters.

The government has Apache helicopters,

and U-2 stealth bombers.

And they have 22 Raptors, and missile launchers,

and grenade launchers, and service to air missiles,

and drones, and a bullet they type your name on,

and it follows you home, and a satellite with a laser that

will give you a proctology exam from space in your kitchen

if they want to, tactical nukes, and oops nukes just in case

shit doesn't go their way.

Yeah Well, I don't care.

You tell the government, bring it on.

You can have this gun when you pry

it from my cold, dead hands.

OK.

[firing mimicry]

And now, the finale.

[explosion mimicry]

[cheering]

Holy hell!

They vaporized riggy.

There ain't nothing left but a burned

up copy of the Constitution!

You can still read the Second Amendment

though, because he's shielding it with his cold, dead hands.

Step two.

And step two, just so you know, scares me too.

Step two is pretty scary.

But to get to step two, we've got to go through step three,

which is getting all the states to agree to take our guns away.

And Texas ain't agreeing to shit.

[laughter]

Texas is the only state I've ever

seen that will vote against its own interest

because Connecticut likes something.

(TEXAN ACCENT) Hold on, hold on.

Them homos are doing it?

Well, we ain't doing it now.

[laughter]

But let's say that happened, led by some weird act

that all the states agree to take your guns away.

Then they would have to convince the military, which

is our sons, and daughters, aunts, uncles, brothers,

and sisters, our families to go house to house

and take away 400 million American's guns.

And that would take a lot of organization.

And our government can't build a website.

[cheering]

I swear to god, my dad was his own alarm clock.

My father woke up every morning like this.

[yelling]

Dad, you OK?

Yeah, I just got to change brands.

Ha, ha.

Man had six heart attacks.

He had a large heart.

It's when a giant sack of water forms around your heart.

Yeah, I always said I had a giant sack.

Ha, ha, ha.

Those are my father's actual jokes.

And because he was such a tough badass,

we didn't get along very well growing up.

He didn't believe in coddling the kid at all, you know.

We used to get in my fist fights growing up, I mean, fistfights.

I don't understand parents.

I really don't.

I have two kids now, and I don't quite get this.

You know, Jonathan, you're acting up.

Let's go see a therapist.

If I got mad at my dad when I was a kid

and really got like in a tantrum,

I just woke up two days later not mad anymore.

[laughter]

And we used to get in fist fights

growing up man and brawls.

But the one place we always got along

was the Oakland Road Show.

We're big car guys.

We'd go to the big car show they had up in Oakland.

It's actually in LA now.

But we'd go to Oakland. We'd go every year.

And we went from when I was five until I was a grown man.

And once we walked through those doors,

it didn't matter how bad my grades were

or what a drunk idiot he was being.

The second we went through there,

it was just father and son, as close as we ever were.

And as I became older and you know, grew to a man,

we started sharing real intimate details about our lives.

And sometimes, when you're that close to somebody,

you wish they had someone else they were that close to.

[laughter]

Because there were some things I didn't need to hear.

Now, there's going to be an age where I'll

get to either we don't care what we say anymore

or you forget sound travels.

My father and I are in the Oakland Colosseum one day,

the convention part at the Oakland Road Show,

just walking through it. Just walking through it.

I'm a grown man, we're just walking through the thing.

And my dad just blurts this out.

Ah, can't get hard anymore.

[laughter]

What do you want me to do?

And here?

You get, no, no, no.

My sixth wife likes a lot of sex,

likes a lot of different positions.

You can put her ankle behind her head.

Dad, stop talking, please.

You're 53.

She 60.

That's two old people doing it, and one of them's my father.

And when you tell that story, people get cancer.

[laughter]

And he goes, well, they've got this new drug.

It's for Viagra that came out in a pill.

You've got this new drug, except it comes in liquid form.

You've got to fill up the syringe.

And you've got to take the syringe.

And you've got to shoot it-- no!

No!

[vomiting sounds]

Let me tell you what happened.

Oh, no-- now, I can't get hard anymore.

Ugh.

[hurling sounds]

Knock it off.

Let me tell you-- I don't want to know anymore, dad.

We're good.

Let me tell you.

No, I'm not listening to this story, dad.

Oh my god.

It's the sickest thing I've ever heard in my life.

I'm looking at cars.

Let me tell you-- no.

And I walk away from him.

I'm a grown man.

I don't need to take this.

I turn, and I'm walking.

I'm just like la, la.

I walk with my father.

I get 25 feet away from my father.

And in the Oakland Convention Center, my father goes,

you've got to shoot it into your dick.

What?

[laughter]

You see the people, right?

What, they got dicks too.

Dad-- and then my father says something that will forever

be burned into my brain.

He says, first time I used it, which means there

was a second time, at least.

(DEEP VOICE) First time I used it,

I didn't have my reading glasses.

AUDIENCE: Oh.

[laughter]

And now, I have to hear the story I don't want to hear.

And he goes, I didn't have my reading glasses.

And the prescription bottle said use 1 cc.

But I thought it said used 10 cc's.

And I start to horror laugh like you guys just did.

A horror laugh is defined as something horrible

happens to somebody else.

But to hide your guilt for laughing, you go, ha, ha.

Oh.

Oh.

No.

Oh.

We've all done it.

You see a four-year-old slam into a kitchen cabinet

full speed.

Ha, ha, ha.

Aw, come here.

Come here, come here.

We've all done it.

Horror laugh.

So he goes, I fill up the syringe, and I shot it in.

Ha-- yeah.

Let me ask you guys something.

How much do you think you really like sex?

Because I think my dad just set the bar.

And I'm going to quote my father from hereon.

He goes, I shot it in.

And in about 11 minutes, everything

started pulling so hard.

It felt like someone had unzipped my anus.

[laughter]

And as I could be no more offended, he goes,

five hours later, it turned black.

And not in the good way.

My dad died. It was weird.

It was weird.

My dad, my dad dying taught me a lot about funerals.

Number one, you're all invited to my funeral,

because it's going to be open bar anyway.

But we're going to be old, so there'll be a lot of vermouth.

And I don't know what that is, but it's

like crack to old people.

That's all I know.

My dad's funeral was weird.

There was uh, first of all, it was packed, 250 people.

There was three rows of women that he had slept with.

I'm not exaggerating, because they went to this Parents

Without Partners thing.

And they sat together in this weird row thing.

And they were being nice to each other.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

I know, it's horrible, isn't it?

So guys, if you want all the women

in your life to get along, die.

Turns out, we are the problem.

We had an open casket, which I don't understand

how the open casket happened.

Did someone just walk into a funeral

and go, how do we make this more horrifying?

Hey, I got it.

Why don't we prop them up, made them look like he

was sleeping and screaming?

Ah.

But I've decided that nobody is going

to speak at my funeral, nobody.

Because my family eulogies are just alibis.

Nobody's doing the eulogy-- no-- nobody is doing the eulogy

at my funeral, nobody.

I'm going to do my own eulogy.

I'm going to pretape it.

I'm going to do a, a me-logy.

[laughter]

Yeah.

You guys will show up, you know, you know, get a little,

get a little vermouth in you, crank it down,

you know, park your Jazzys and your Rascals.

[laughter]

Sit down, and they'll just run the tape.

Hi everybody, I'm dead!

I know you can see in the box over there.

I'm not sure if it's opened or closed, because I

had two different plans.

If it's open, that means I went with plan A, which

is do a lot of prescription medication

and some peyote, a whole brick, and just trip my ass off

probably somewhere nice.

If it's closed, then that means I went with plan 2, which was

jump out of my airplane with a backpack full of laundry

and camping gear just so when I pull that rip chord,

I can watch the drum master have an aneurysm.

So know if it's closed, I laughed

my ass off the whole way down.

And I like to speak to everybody from my personal life.

To my first wife, I want you to know--

[laughter]

Ah, I, I think I tore my damn rotator cuff.

Don't matter.

To my second wife, you, you were everything to me.

You were tall, beautiful, smart, funny.

You, you were my dream, and you really

loved me like no one ever did.

You, you were my soul-- sorry I cheated

on you with those strippers.

To my third and fourth wives, we gave it a shot.

Everybody else, never marry strippers.

[laughter]

My fifth wife-- I guess I can tell you now.

I, I killed her.

[laughter]

She was horrible!

So much worse than my first wife, god.

I would've gladly choked that bitch out

in front of a police station!

[laughter]

And I, I, I knew I was going to jail,

and I didn't give a flying flip!

But it turns out, the world ain't like CSI at all.

[laughter] Everybody just said, we're

so sorry about their accident.

Although, Ray Rice gave me a high five.

[laughter]

And Chris Brown patted me on my butt.

That was it.

[manic laughter]

To everybody that used to come to my shows,

I will never forget my last show.

83,000 people at the meadowland, sold-out.

It wasn't like that weird ass politically correct

theater in Santa Barbara.

[laughter]

But I'll never forget that show.

I, and I knew I was getting near the end,

because my bowels had started making their own decisions.

You know it's time to write that final check

when your colon goes rogue.

[laughter]

Ha, ha, ha.

But I remember on the stage.

And for a second, I looked out, and I

see 83,000 laughing faces.

And my, my loved ones were standing

in the wings, and my grandkids.

And I remember thinking, oh, this is what it is.

That's what it's about, all those TV shows I didn't

do, and movies I didn't get.

God damn you Adam Sandler!

[laughter]

It didn't matter, because most of my life,

I got to walk on stage and say what I wanted, how I wanted,

and they gave me money.

[cheering]

And even on its worst night, it was always chicken.

Yeah.

That audience was always my favorite.

Don't lie.

And it was a pleasure eating them.

I, I, I know that sounds sexual, I know.

In a nasty way, I intended it!

[laughing]

To everybody who voted for me in my 2028 presidential bid,

I apologize.

How could we know arm the children

would go so horribly wrong?

[cheering]

Thank you very much, Santa Barbara.

You guys were phenomenal.

Thank you.

With my heart, I love you, guys!

Thank you so, so, so much.

I love this town.

California, my favorite place in the world.

Good night, everybody!

Thank you!

Peace!

Thank you guys.

Made my night.

Thanks, guys.