subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for 18+ Christopher Titus Angry Pursuit Of Happiness 2015 UNCENSORED Movies HDRip x264 ESubs ☻rDX☻

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French Download

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:24,499 [theme music] 2 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,499 HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, please 3 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,498 welcome Christopher Titus! 4 00:00:44,499 --> 00:00:47,499 [cheering] 5 00:00:48,499 --> 00:00:49,498 Hello, everyone! 6 00:00:49,499 --> 00:00:51,498 Yeah! 7 00:00:51,499 --> 00:00:52,498 Yes! 8 00:00:52,499 --> 00:00:55,498 Santa Barbara! 9 00:00:55,499 --> 00:00:56,498 Yes. 10 00:00:56,499 --> 00:00:58,498 Good evening. 11 00:00:58,499 --> 00:00:59,498 Yes! Good to have you guys here. 12 00:00:59,499 --> 00:01:00,498 Yes! 13 00:01:00,499 --> 00:01:02,498 Thank you! 14 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:05,498 Thank you. 15 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,498 Do you guys know why you're here tonight? 16 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:08,498 You think it's because you like paying 17 00:01:08,499 --> 00:01:09,498 to sit in a darkened room with a bunch of people who 18 00:01:09,499 --> 00:01:10,498 may or may not smell like they just 19 00:01:10,499 --> 00:01:12,498 had food from their homeland. 20 00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:13,498 [cheering] 21 00:01:13,499 --> 00:01:14,498 No. 22 00:01:14,499 --> 00:01:16,917 We're here tonight because comedy 23 00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:18,499 gets rid of our desire to kill. 24 00:01:19,499 --> 00:01:21,498 [cheering] 25 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,498 You notice, you don't need cloud after a good day, 26 00:01:23,499 --> 00:01:24,498 when you wake up all bright eyed, 27 00:01:24,499 --> 00:01:25,498 and bushy tailed, and the world just 28 00:01:25,499 --> 00:01:27,498 feels like a Taylor Swift song. 29 00:01:27,499 --> 00:01:30,498 And you start your day with a fresh squeezed glass of hope, 30 00:01:30,499 --> 00:01:32,498 and possibility, and a whole wheat slice of confidence 31 00:01:32,499 --> 00:01:35,499 slathered in I'm sexy, and I know it! 32 00:01:36,499 --> 00:01:37,498 Your welcome lady. 33 00:01:37,499 --> 00:01:38,498 [laughter] 34 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,498 You go to work with your first phone call. 35 00:01:40,499 --> 00:01:43,498 You bring 1,500 jobs back to the US of mother humping A. 36 00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:45,498 And good jobs too, not those Walmart concentration 37 00:01:45,499 --> 00:01:47,498 camp jobs. 38 00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:49,498 With your second phone call, you accidentally 39 00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:51,498 save a Chinese baby that'll never have to build 40 00:01:51,499 --> 00:01:52,498 iPhones in Beijing again. 41 00:01:52,499 --> 00:01:55,498 It's a good damn day. 42 00:01:55,499 --> 00:01:56,498 You go home that night. You walk in the front door. 43 00:01:56,499 --> 00:01:57,498 Your kids are gone. 44 00:01:57,499 --> 00:01:58,498 They're not dead. 45 00:01:58,499 --> 00:01:59,292 They're just gone, relax. 46 00:01:59,499 --> 00:02:00,499 [laughter] 47 00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:03,498 It's not that good of a day. 48 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:06,499 [laughter] 49 00:02:07,499 --> 00:02:09,498 And you notice a trail a rose petals in the front door 50 00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:12,498 into the bedroom, and you wish to god that your gardener spoke 51 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:13,499 English. 52 00:02:16,499 --> 00:02:18,498 But you walk in that bedroom, and the person you've decided 53 00:02:18,499 --> 00:02:19,498 to spend your life with is dressed 54 00:02:19,499 --> 00:02:21,498 in your favorite sexual fantasy costume-- 55 00:02:21,499 --> 00:02:23,498 Batman and Wonder Woman, Allen Thicke, 56 00:02:23,499 --> 00:02:25,498 hobo, whatever you want. 57 00:02:25,499 --> 00:02:27,498 And you have amazing sex. 58 00:02:27,499 --> 00:02:29,498 You have the kind of sex that sperm 59 00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:30,499 tell their children about! 60 00:02:33,499 --> 00:02:34,498 And that night, you sleep like you never have. 61 00:02:34,499 --> 00:02:37,498 You sleep like a baby that just shot heroine. 62 00:02:37,499 --> 00:02:39,498 [laughter] 63 00:02:39,499 --> 00:02:42,498 Oh, that's a sleeping ass baby. 64 00:02:42,499 --> 00:02:44,498 You don't need comedy for that day. 65 00:02:44,499 --> 00:02:45,498 It's a good day. 66 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:50,498 You need comedy for those other days when you wake up wet. 67 00:02:50,499 --> 00:02:52,498 And you think, that's why I was dreaming 68 00:02:52,499 --> 00:02:55,498 about escaping from Mexico. 69 00:02:55,499 --> 00:02:56,498 And you look over the edge of the bed, 70 00:02:56,499 --> 00:02:58,498 and you notice four inches of water on the floor. 71 00:02:58,499 --> 00:02:59,498 And it's dripping from the ceiling. 72 00:02:59,499 --> 00:03:00,498 And you realize the $1,200 you paid 73 00:03:00,499 --> 00:03:03,498 your plumber, he used for strip clubs and lottery tickets. 74 00:03:03,499 --> 00:03:07,334 And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull, 75 00:03:07,499 --> 00:03:08,498 because you know that this house you 76 00:03:08,499 --> 00:03:11,498 bought in 2006 before the market crashed 77 00:03:11,499 --> 00:03:12,498 is even further underwater. 78 00:03:12,499 --> 00:03:14,498 And this time, it's not a fucking metaphor! 79 00:03:14,499 --> 00:03:18,499 [laughter] 80 00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:21,498 And you're going to have to use the kid's college fund 81 00:03:21,499 --> 00:03:21,583 to pay for the damage. 82 00:03:22,499 --> 00:03:23,498 Great. 83 00:03:23,499 --> 00:03:24,498 So now, I've got deal with this sentence for the next 15 years. 84 00:03:24,499 --> 00:03:26,498 Dude, your house is beautiful. 85 00:03:26,499 --> 00:03:28,498 When'd your kid get out of county? 86 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:31,498 And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull. 87 00:03:31,499 --> 00:03:32,499 And they think, hold on. 88 00:03:33,042 --> 00:03:33,499 I don't have to use any of the kid's college funds. 89 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:34,498 Screw that. 90 00:03:34,499 --> 00:03:35,498 I have life insurance. 91 00:03:35,499 --> 00:03:36,498 I'll just kill myself. 92 00:03:36,499 --> 00:03:37,499 [manic laughter] 93 00:03:38,499 --> 00:03:39,292 I'm already on antidepressants. 94 00:03:39,499 --> 00:03:41,498 They can just blame that. 95 00:03:41,499 --> 00:03:42,498 Thank you for waiting. 96 00:03:42,499 --> 00:03:43,498 Wait, wait, wait. Why should I kill myself? 97 00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:43,499 Screw that. 98 00:03:44,499 --> 00:03:45,498 You know what? 99 00:03:45,499 --> 00:03:46,498 I'm going to go down to Walmart, and get a rifle, 100 00:03:46,499 --> 00:03:47,499 and then go to the mall and play duck, duck, goose. 101 00:03:48,499 --> 00:03:48,499 That's what I'm going to do. 102 00:03:49,499 --> 00:03:50,498 And then you figure, hold on. 103 00:03:50,499 --> 00:03:53,498 I can't do that either, because everybody's doing it. 104 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:57,498 [laughter] 105 00:03:57,499 --> 00:03:59,498 So to calm down, you stopped by your local Peet's Tea, 106 00:03:59,499 --> 00:04:01,498 Seattle's best star job, a buck's 107 00:04:01,499 --> 00:04:04,498 dark roasted crack house for your morning cup of control. 108 00:04:04,499 --> 00:04:05,498 That's right. 109 00:04:05,499 --> 00:04:08,498 I said control, because none of us like paying $5 for coffee. 110 00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:09,498 But for a second, at that counter, 111 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:10,498 you get to run your life. 112 00:04:10,499 --> 00:04:11,499 Hi. 113 00:04:12,499 --> 00:04:13,498 I'd like a skinny vanilla latte, two 114 00:04:13,499 --> 00:04:14,499 extra pumps of syrup, 190 degrees, and this much foam 115 00:04:15,499 --> 00:04:15,499 on the top. 116 00:04:16,499 --> 00:04:16,499 And you hear yourself order. 117 00:04:17,499 --> 00:04:18,498 And you realize, oh my god. 118 00:04:18,499 --> 00:04:20,498 I'm a douche. 119 00:04:20,499 --> 00:04:21,498 Wow! 120 00:04:21,499 --> 00:04:24,499 [applause] 121 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,498 If my father would have heard me order that, 122 00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,498 he would hit me in the testicles with a business 123 00:04:29,499 --> 00:04:31,498 end of an Oldsmobile Delta '88. 124 00:04:31,499 --> 00:04:34,498 And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull. 125 00:04:34,499 --> 00:04:35,498 But then you notice the barista. 126 00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:37,498 But first, you have to face the fact 127 00:04:37,499 --> 00:04:41,499 that you just knowingly out loud used the word, "barista." 128 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:43,498 But he's amazing. 129 00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:44,498 He's doing six drinks at one time. 130 00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:45,498 And he's doing it all with one hand. 131 00:04:45,499 --> 00:04:47,498 And you're like, that's what I'm talking about. 132 00:04:47,499 --> 00:04:49,498 Excellence in America, someone who loves their job, 133 00:04:49,499 --> 00:04:50,498 and he does it with style. 134 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,498 And then you realize, ah shit. 135 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:52,498 He's only got one hand. 136 00:04:52,499 --> 00:04:54,498 [laughter] 137 00:04:54,499 --> 00:04:56,498 And you see the little purple heart 138 00:04:56,499 --> 00:04:57,499 medal stuck to his little corporate coffee 139 00:04:58,499 --> 00:04:59,498 visor they make them wear. 140 00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:00,542 Yeah, the visor that says, if you start your day with us, 141 00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:02,498 you'll never be "latte" for work again. 142 00:05:02,499 --> 00:05:03,499 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 143 00:05:04,499 --> 00:05:07,498 And you vomit a little bit in the back of your throat 144 00:05:07,499 --> 00:05:09,498 as you realize that this man that put everything on the line 145 00:05:09,499 --> 00:05:11,498 for this great country is serving asse-chinos 146 00:05:11,499 --> 00:05:14,498 for minimum wage, and the darkest creeps a little further 147 00:05:14,499 --> 00:05:15,498 inside your skull. 148 00:05:15,499 --> 00:05:17,498 But then he puts your morning cup of sunshine right 149 00:05:17,499 --> 00:05:18,498 in front of you. 150 00:05:18,499 --> 00:05:19,498 Thanks man. 151 00:05:19,499 --> 00:05:22,498 And you take that first perfect, life-affirming sip-- (SINGING) 152 00:05:22,499 --> 00:05:24,498 Ah. 153 00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:26,498 Mmm. 154 00:05:26,499 --> 00:05:28,498 Pft, pft! 155 00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:34,498 Ah-- (YELLING) this is a mocha! 156 00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:35,498 Nobody here lost your arm. 157 00:05:35,499 --> 00:05:37,498 You obviously don't pay attention, man! 158 00:05:37,499 --> 00:05:39,498 It's written on the side of the damn cup! 159 00:05:39,499 --> 00:05:41,498 But you don't say that, because then 160 00:05:41,499 --> 00:05:42,498 you don't support the troops. 161 00:05:42,499 --> 00:05:43,498 But guess what? 162 00:05:43,499 --> 00:05:44,498 I do support the troops, but it's only coffee. 163 00:05:44,499 --> 00:05:46,499 How did you dick that up, Gomer Pyle? 164 00:05:50,499 --> 00:05:53,498 And you hear yourself screaming inside your own head. 165 00:05:53,499 --> 00:05:54,498 And you realize, oh god. 166 00:05:54,499 --> 00:05:57,498 I'm the one with PTSD. 167 00:05:57,499 --> 00:05:59,498 And you know if you don't get some help right away, 168 00:05:59,499 --> 00:06:00,498 you're going to be on the news tonight. 169 00:06:00,499 --> 00:06:04,498 And the words used to describe you are standoff and loner. 170 00:06:04,499 --> 00:06:06,498 And while you're standing there trying to get it together, 171 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:08,498 the barista goes, dude, are you OK? 172 00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:09,499 And you go, no! 173 00:06:11,709 --> 00:06:13,499 I just need a good laugh! 174 00:06:17,499 --> 00:06:19,498 And that's why we're here tonight. 175 00:06:19,499 --> 00:06:21,499 [cheering] 176 00:06:24,881 --> 00:06:26,880 We've got school shootings, terrorism, Bank 177 00:06:26,881 --> 00:06:28,880 of America customer service. 178 00:06:28,881 --> 00:06:31,880 [laughter] 179 00:06:31,881 --> 00:06:32,880 Sorry. 180 00:06:32,881 --> 00:06:34,880 I told the guy on the phone, I'm going to talk about every show. 181 00:06:34,881 --> 00:06:37,880 I swear to God, fix it. or I talk about you every show. 182 00:06:37,881 --> 00:06:40,881 [cheering] 183 00:06:45,881 --> 00:06:47,880 Thank god Iraq worked out, and we're cool with Russia now. 184 00:06:47,881 --> 00:06:49,880 And we're not importing Ebola. 185 00:06:49,881 --> 00:06:50,880 What a great time to live. 186 00:06:50,881 --> 00:06:53,881 [laughter] 187 00:06:55,881 --> 00:06:56,881 We've got a new boutique terrorist group. 188 00:06:56,965 --> 00:06:59,880 Now, do terrorists do demographic research? 189 00:06:59,881 --> 00:07:03,880 You know, terrorists are supposed to terrorize us. 190 00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:06,880 They have bombed Boston and New York. 191 00:07:06,881 --> 00:07:07,880 You don't terrorize though. 192 00:07:07,881 --> 00:07:09,880 You can stab someone in New York. 193 00:07:09,881 --> 00:07:12,880 And they go, I'm walking! 194 00:07:12,881 --> 00:07:15,880 People in Boston beat each other's ass over hockey 195 00:07:15,881 --> 00:07:17,880 when they like the same team. 196 00:07:17,881 --> 00:07:19,881 [laughter] 197 00:07:20,881 --> 00:07:21,880 That's who you bomb? 198 00:07:21,881 --> 00:07:22,880 Terrorists, go after Seattle. 199 00:07:22,881 --> 00:07:24,880 It's just stoners and lesbians, man. 200 00:07:24,881 --> 00:07:29,880 You can, you can terrorize Seattle with pimento loaf. 201 00:07:29,881 --> 00:07:32,880 Hey man, they've got some weird meat, and it's not gluten free. 202 00:07:32,881 --> 00:07:34,880 Get the Subaru and the kayak. 203 00:07:34,881 --> 00:07:36,174 We're out of here! 204 00:07:36,881 --> 00:07:39,881 [cheering] 205 00:07:40,881 --> 00:07:42,880 Boston? 206 00:07:42,881 --> 00:07:44,880 Really, Boston? 207 00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,880 The second that bomb went off in Boston, everybody in Boston-- 208 00:07:46,881 --> 00:07:47,880 (BOSTON ACCENT) we're going to find these guys, 209 00:07:47,881 --> 00:07:50,880 and they're going to end up bleeding out in a boat. 210 00:07:50,881 --> 00:07:52,880 [laughter] 211 00:07:52,881 --> 00:07:54,880 And what is your political stance bombing 212 00:07:54,881 --> 00:07:56,880 the Boston Marathon? (SHOUTING) We 213 00:07:56,881 --> 00:07:57,881 will never let the Reebok covered foot of oppression 214 00:07:58,881 --> 00:07:59,880 hold us down! 215 00:07:59,881 --> 00:08:04,880 How bad can you hate sweatbands, booty socks, and Kenyans? 216 00:08:04,881 --> 00:08:06,881 [laughter] 217 00:08:08,881 --> 00:08:11,880 Those are black people that run really fast, Santa Barbara. 218 00:08:11,881 --> 00:08:14,880 [laughter] 219 00:08:14,881 --> 00:08:15,880 Yeah, look it up. 220 00:08:15,881 --> 00:08:16,880 I know. 221 00:08:16,881 --> 00:08:19,881 [cheering] 222 00:08:21,674 --> 00:08:24,880 What is this black person he speaks of? 223 00:08:24,881 --> 00:08:26,881 [laughter] 224 00:08:31,881 --> 00:08:34,880 I don't understand terrorizing America. 225 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:35,880 I don't understand the hatred for America. 226 00:08:35,881 --> 00:08:37,880 I don't get it. 227 00:08:37,881 --> 00:08:38,880 How can you spend 30 minutes in our country and be pissed? 228 00:08:38,881 --> 00:08:43,880 We have strip clubs and go kart tracks everywhere-- 229 00:08:43,881 --> 00:08:46,881 sometimes, in the same complex, because it's 230 00:08:47,383 --> 00:08:50,508 hard to find a sitter. 231 00:08:50,881 --> 00:08:51,881 [laughter] 232 00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:54,880 We're innovative damn it. 233 00:08:54,881 --> 00:08:55,880 I know why these people are pissed. 234 00:08:55,881 --> 00:08:56,880 I get why terrorists are mad. 235 00:08:56,881 --> 00:08:59,880 They were born in some horrible, sand-covered nightmare. 236 00:08:59,881 --> 00:09:02,880 It's 120 degrees all the time you know. 237 00:09:02,881 --> 00:09:05,880 The best view you can have is an oil rig and camel ass. 238 00:09:05,881 --> 00:09:08,880 That's pretty much all you get, you know? 239 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:12,880 It's summer all the time, but not a bikini to be seen. 240 00:09:12,881 --> 00:09:15,880 I mean, you've got to masturbate to a woman blinking fast. 241 00:09:15,881 --> 00:09:17,880 I understand. 242 00:09:17,881 --> 00:09:19,881 [laughter] 243 00:09:26,881 --> 00:09:28,674 But why hate America, you know? 244 00:09:28,881 --> 00:09:29,880 We love our immigrants here. 245 00:09:29,881 --> 00:09:30,880 Come to our country. 246 00:09:30,881 --> 00:09:32,880 Enjoy the fruits of this great land! 247 00:09:32,881 --> 00:09:32,881 And then when you go-- 248 00:09:33,881 --> 00:09:33,881 [cheering] 249 00:09:33,882 --> 00:09:34,880 Yes! 250 00:09:34,881 --> 00:09:36,880 Yes! 251 00:09:36,881 --> 00:09:40,880 And then when you go home to visit, blow some shit up there. 252 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:42,880 That's where you got mad. 253 00:09:42,881 --> 00:09:43,880 You want to know-- you want to know 254 00:09:43,881 --> 00:09:44,880 how amazing our country is? 255 00:09:44,881 --> 00:09:45,880 Here's how amazing America is. 256 00:09:45,881 --> 00:09:46,881 We have people from this country right now 257 00:09:47,881 --> 00:09:50,880 that should be terrorists, and they're not. 258 00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:52,880 If a bomb went off tomorrow and the Cherokee 259 00:09:52,881 --> 00:09:55,880 Nation claimed responsibility, we would all go, OK. 260 00:09:55,881 --> 00:09:55,881 Yeah. 261 00:09:56,466 --> 00:09:56,881 All right, sure. 262 00:09:56,882 --> 00:09:57,880 Yeah. 263 00:09:57,881 --> 00:09:58,880 Yeah. 264 00:09:58,881 --> 00:09:59,880 I get it. 265 00:09:59,881 --> 00:10:01,880 Totally get it, yeah. 266 00:10:01,881 --> 00:10:02,880 Yeah. 267 00:10:02,881 --> 00:10:05,880 You, you would see Anderson Cooper. 268 00:10:05,881 --> 00:10:07,880 The FBI has determined it definitely 269 00:10:07,881 --> 00:10:09,880 was the Cherokee nation that committed 270 00:10:09,881 --> 00:10:10,880 this heinous and brutal act. 271 00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:13,880 The FBI has responded with this statement. 272 00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:14,880 We're cool. 273 00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:16,880 [laughter] 274 00:10:16,881 --> 00:10:20,880 Frankly, we're surprised it took this long. 275 00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:22,880 We knew the casinos would not be enough. 276 00:10:22,881 --> 00:10:25,880 [laughter] 277 00:10:25,881 --> 00:10:28,880 And I'm very tired of hearing about terrorism, because you 278 00:10:28,881 --> 00:10:29,880 know, it's bad enough, sure. 279 00:10:29,881 --> 00:10:30,880 But we hear about it all the time. 280 00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,880 And I got scared awhile back. 281 00:10:32,881 --> 00:10:34,880 I was like, well, how much terrorism is there really? 282 00:10:34,881 --> 00:10:36,880 So I went to that pressure cooker bomb 283 00:10:36,881 --> 00:10:37,880 making website they're already talking about, 284 00:10:37,881 --> 00:10:39,880 you know, to see how many people would hit it. 285 00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:41,880 And I'm sure I'm going to have no problem getting 286 00:10:41,881 --> 00:10:44,880 on an airplane for the next two years. 287 00:10:44,881 --> 00:10:45,880 I wasn't thinking. 288 00:10:45,881 --> 00:10:47,880 But I'm going to be the guy at TSA going, 289 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,880 I was trying to write some jokes! 290 00:10:50,881 --> 00:10:51,881 Ow, ow, ow! 291 00:10:54,881 --> 00:10:56,881 [applause] 292 00:10:58,881 --> 00:10:59,880 I go to the website. 293 00:10:59,881 --> 00:11:02,880 33 plus thousand people had hit the pressure 294 00:11:02,881 --> 00:11:03,880 cooker bomb making website. 295 00:11:03,881 --> 00:11:05,880 That's a lot of terrorism, right? 296 00:11:05,881 --> 00:11:07,880 And I got freaked out. 297 00:11:07,881 --> 00:11:11,880 So then I went to kittens plays with yarn. 298 00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:12,880 [sighs] 299 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,880 6.2 million hits. 300 00:11:14,881 --> 00:11:15,880 Yes! 301 00:11:15,881 --> 00:11:17,880 Yes! 302 00:11:17,881 --> 00:11:21,880 Oh, we are a furry creature loving people. 303 00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:22,880 I will tell you what. 304 00:11:22,881 --> 00:11:25,881 I put 6.2 million cat people up against 30,000 terrorists 305 00:11:26,881 --> 00:11:27,880 any day of the week. 306 00:11:27,881 --> 00:11:29,880 Yeah, you get all your little terrorists 307 00:11:29,881 --> 00:11:31,880 together in a stadium. (ACCENT) We are 30,000 strong. 308 00:11:31,881 --> 00:11:33,880 We're going to destroy this imperialistic nation. 309 00:11:33,881 --> 00:11:36,881 Oh, no you aren't, you son of a bitch. 310 00:11:37,881 --> 00:11:39,880 [cheering] 311 00:11:39,881 --> 00:11:43,880 Do you see how many of us there are my friend? 312 00:11:43,881 --> 00:11:46,880 That better be a goulash in that pot, 313 00:11:46,881 --> 00:11:48,880 or myself and Captain Jack Sparrow eater 314 00:11:48,881 --> 00:11:50,880 are going to be up your ass. 315 00:11:50,881 --> 00:11:51,881 [laughter] 316 00:11:53,710 --> 00:11:55,709 That's how religion be getting it since the beginning of time. 317 00:11:55,710 --> 00:11:56,709 Armageddon is coming. 318 00:11:56,710 --> 00:11:58,709 End of the world is upon us. 319 00:11:58,710 --> 00:11:59,709 You better get ready for judgment day. 320 00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:01,709 Armageddon is coming! 321 00:12:01,710 --> 00:12:04,709 And if you're not good, you're going to go to the bad place 322 00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:09,709 with the burning fire and icy toilet sheets. 323 00:12:09,710 --> 00:12:12,709 Personal hell. 324 00:12:12,710 --> 00:12:14,709 Armageddon's coming. 325 00:12:14,710 --> 00:12:15,709 They've been talking about it since the beginning of time. 326 00:12:15,710 --> 00:12:21,709 Well, I say, bring it on, because some of us need to go. 327 00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:25,710 [laughter] 328 00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:31,709 Do you know who I'm pissed at more than anybody right now? 329 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:32,710 The Mayans. 330 00:12:36,710 --> 00:12:38,709 I'm sorry. 331 00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:39,709 World was supposed to end December 21st, 2012. 332 00:12:39,710 --> 00:12:41,709 I didn't buy anybody Christmas presents. 333 00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:42,709 I look like a dick. 334 00:12:42,710 --> 00:12:45,710 [laughter] 335 00:12:46,710 --> 00:12:50,709 Do you know how much dried food I own right now? 336 00:12:50,710 --> 00:12:52,709 I have four months of dry food for three people. 337 00:12:52,710 --> 00:12:56,709 And you can't just snack on it during the playoffs, 338 00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:57,710 because what if Armageddon happens? 339 00:12:58,710 --> 00:12:59,709 Then you screwed the box all up. 340 00:12:59,710 --> 00:13:00,709 You get to the end after Armageddon, 341 00:13:00,710 --> 00:13:02,709 you've got to eat one of the kids. 342 00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:03,709 And which kid do you eat? 343 00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:04,709 The big one that feeds more people? 344 00:13:04,710 --> 00:13:06,709 The little one who makes a better sauce? 345 00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:07,709 What do you do? 346 00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:09,710 [laughter] 347 00:13:11,710 --> 00:13:13,710 Aren't you guys preppers? 348 00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,709 If you have not decided which child you're going 349 00:13:16,710 --> 00:13:17,709 to eat first after Armageddon, you 350 00:13:17,710 --> 00:13:19,709 cannot call yourself a prepper. 351 00:13:19,710 --> 00:13:21,709 [laughter] 352 00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:23,710 I spray painted mine 1 and 2. 353 00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:27,709 Kids, what are you guys doing, playing soccer in the backyard? 354 00:13:27,710 --> 00:13:28,709 Get in here, and play video games. 355 00:13:28,710 --> 00:13:30,709 Don't get tough. 356 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,709 [laughter] 357 00:13:32,710 --> 00:13:33,710 So because the Mayans screwed it up, because how 358 00:13:33,794 --> 00:13:37,709 could a 5,000 year old dead society that wore loin cloths 359 00:13:37,710 --> 00:13:39,709 and threw teenagers into volcanoes 360 00:13:39,710 --> 00:13:42,709 possibly have missed the Armageddon date? 361 00:13:42,710 --> 00:13:44,709 I think we need to legislate Armageddon day. 362 00:13:44,710 --> 00:13:45,709 Here's my pitch. 363 00:13:45,710 --> 00:13:47,709 For the next seven years, five days 364 00:13:47,710 --> 00:13:49,709 a month, we have Armageddon day. 365 00:13:49,710 --> 00:13:51,709 No rules whatsoever. 366 00:13:51,710 --> 00:13:54,629 Total anarchy, like when Detroit wins a championship. 367 00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:55,709 [laughter] 368 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,709 That's right. 369 00:13:57,710 --> 00:14:00,709 Just bullets and fire man. 370 00:14:00,710 --> 00:14:01,709 And the people that don't have their heads 371 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,709 on swivels that aren't paying attention 372 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,709 will get taken out as well. 373 00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:07,709 They should. 374 00:14:07,710 --> 00:14:09,709 So who do I think is the first group should 375 00:14:09,710 --> 00:14:10,709 be taken out on Armageddon day? 376 00:14:10,710 --> 00:14:12,709 Level one person? 377 00:14:12,710 --> 00:14:15,709 Anybody who wears pajamas in public. 378 00:14:15,710 --> 00:14:18,709 [cheering] 379 00:14:18,710 --> 00:14:22,710 Now, that, that isn't the actual problem that you're wearing 380 00:14:23,462 --> 00:14:23,710 pajamas. 381 00:14:24,503 --> 00:14:25,709 But you made that decision. 382 00:14:25,710 --> 00:14:27,709 You're going to get us all killed in Armageddon. 383 00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:30,709 If you have the balls to wear Spongebob flannel pajamas 384 00:14:30,710 --> 00:14:32,709 in the mall, you need to climb into the wood 385 00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:34,709 chipper on your own. 386 00:14:34,710 --> 00:14:37,709 [cheering] 387 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,709 You're not helping. 388 00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:40,709 Level two person? 389 00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:42,709 Unless you're 95, anybody who can't make a simple 390 00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:43,709 left across three lanes of traffic, 391 00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:44,709 unless there's a light year between them 392 00:14:44,710 --> 00:14:46,709 and the oncoming vehicle. 393 00:14:46,710 --> 00:14:47,709 Now, on Armageddon day, the guy behind him, 394 00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:49,709 totally within his legal rights to pull 395 00:14:49,710 --> 00:14:52,709 a double barreled Mossberg and vaporize that guy's head. 396 00:14:52,710 --> 00:14:54,709 Then the torso would fall forward, 397 00:14:54,710 --> 00:14:56,710 and the car would clear the intersection! 398 00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:05,709 And productivity would rise 3.7%. 399 00:15:05,710 --> 00:15:08,709 Level three person, and this one may piss you off Santa Barbara. 400 00:15:08,710 --> 00:15:10,709 I only give them level three status, because of 401 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:13,709 their cardiovascular fitness. 402 00:15:13,710 --> 00:15:16,709 Bicyclists who believe they deserve 403 00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:18,709 an entire lane of traffic. 404 00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,709 [cheering] 405 00:15:20,710 --> 00:15:21,709 Really? 406 00:15:21,710 --> 00:15:23,709 OK. 407 00:15:23,710 --> 00:15:25,709 Now, really? 408 00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:27,710 Really, you need a whole lane? 409 00:15:28,378 --> 00:15:30,709 The bike is that wide. 410 00:15:30,710 --> 00:15:34,709 You're obviously an alcoholic. 411 00:15:34,710 --> 00:15:35,709 But it's a law. 412 00:15:35,710 --> 00:15:36,709 But it's a law. 413 00:15:36,710 --> 00:15:37,709 But it's a law, ching, ching. 414 00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:38,709 It's a law. 415 00:15:38,710 --> 00:15:43,709 Yeah, well, the laws of physics say something different. 416 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:47,710 [cheering] 417 00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:54,710 And I believe that supersedes man's law. 418 00:15:58,710 --> 00:15:59,709 And I know I'm being a dick right now. 419 00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:03,462 I get it, because I don't think I would last 420 00:16:03,710 --> 00:16:04,709 very long on Armageddon day. 421 00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:06,709 I'd make it to maybe level five. 422 00:16:06,710 --> 00:16:08,709 And then you guys would just turn around one day. 423 00:16:08,710 --> 00:16:10,709 You'd go, you know what Titus? 424 00:16:10,710 --> 00:16:13,709 All you do is bitch. 425 00:16:13,710 --> 00:16:14,709 And I'd be so happy. 426 00:16:14,710 --> 00:16:16,709 I made level five! 427 00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:18,709 Level seven, level eight, muscle guys. 428 00:16:18,710 --> 00:16:19,709 You're a big muscle guy. 429 00:16:19,710 --> 00:16:21,709 You can bench press double your body weight. 430 00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:22,709 You're going to make the level seven easy, because we're going 431 00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:24,961 to need you after Armageddon to hold stuff up 432 00:16:25,710 --> 00:16:26,709 while we renail it. 433 00:16:26,710 --> 00:16:29,709 [laughter] 434 00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:30,710 And if you're a muscle guy with a Ph.D., 435 00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:32,709 you'll last until the end. 436 00:16:32,710 --> 00:16:34,709 But if you're a muscle guy, that's all you've got, 437 00:16:34,710 --> 00:16:36,709 you know the guy in the gym that can curl two 438 00:16:36,710 --> 00:16:38,709 85 pound dumbbells 15 times. 439 00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:40,709 But then for some reason, on the last rep, 440 00:16:40,710 --> 00:16:42,709 feels the need to slam them to the floor, 441 00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:46,710 scaring the hell out of everyone, and then he goes, ah! 442 00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:53,710 [applause] 443 00:16:53,794 --> 00:16:55,709 Did you have a stroke man? 444 00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:56,709 What just happened? 445 00:16:56,710 --> 00:16:59,709 Did your nervous system collapse in on itself? 446 00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:01,709 Same guy gets instant Alzheimer's and just 447 00:17:01,710 --> 00:17:02,710 walks away from the weights. 448 00:17:05,710 --> 00:17:06,710 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 449 00:17:07,337 --> 00:17:09,709 Colton, come here. 450 00:17:09,710 --> 00:17:10,709 See these things on the side of the weights? 451 00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:12,709 Those are called numbers, and they 452 00:17:12,710 --> 00:17:14,709 match numbers on that rack. 453 00:17:14,710 --> 00:17:16,709 And if you can't figure that out, 454 00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:18,709 maybe you could spray paint duckies and bunnies, 455 00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:20,709 and you can match the animals. 456 00:17:20,710 --> 00:17:23,710 [cheering] 457 00:17:26,710 --> 00:17:28,709 You should only be able to lift a weight 458 00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:32,709 that you can count up to. 459 00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:34,709 And dude, I love the dragon tattoo. 460 00:17:34,710 --> 00:17:35,709 I guess if you don't feel it on the inside, 461 00:17:35,710 --> 00:17:38,709 you've got to paint it on the outside. 462 00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:40,709 I know that's an expensive joke for a lot 463 00:17:40,710 --> 00:17:41,710 of people in California. 464 00:17:45,710 --> 00:17:47,629 [whistling] 465 00:17:47,710 --> 00:17:50,709 It's a Bengal tiger dick head. 466 00:17:50,710 --> 00:17:51,709 It's my spirit animal. 467 00:17:51,710 --> 00:17:56,709 And if you've ever said the words, it's my spirit animal, 468 00:17:56,710 --> 00:17:58,709 you're a major douchebag. 469 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:00,710 [cheering] 470 00:18:01,710 --> 00:18:02,709 And a level one. 471 00:18:02,710 --> 00:18:05,710 Unless, you're Cherokee, and then I'm fine. 472 00:18:09,710 --> 00:18:11,709 I'm saying, we need a tune up people. 473 00:18:11,710 --> 00:18:13,709 Currently, right now, we're the softest, fatest, 474 00:18:13,710 --> 00:18:15,709 most self-centered beings on the planet. 475 00:18:15,710 --> 00:18:18,709 And those are the people I like. 476 00:18:18,710 --> 00:18:20,709 We are drug addicted, and porn consumed, 477 00:18:20,710 --> 00:18:22,709 airbag and bubble wrapped, overfed, 478 00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,709 but undernourished, on antipsychotics, 479 00:18:24,710 --> 00:18:28,709 but still crazier than Gary Busey on bath salts in Florida. 480 00:18:28,710 --> 00:18:29,709 [cheering] 481 00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:30,710 Everybody. 482 00:18:32,409 --> 00:18:33,408 We need a tune up. 483 00:18:33,409 --> 00:18:35,108 We need a tune up man. 484 00:18:35,109 --> 00:18:36,108 And I know I'm making fun of us right now. 485 00:18:36,109 --> 00:18:37,108 I know I'm making fun of human beings 486 00:18:37,109 --> 00:18:39,108 right now, because we're in a bad place. 487 00:18:39,109 --> 00:18:41,108 But the other side of us is amazing. 488 00:18:41,109 --> 00:18:42,108 The things we've come up with, we're incredible. 489 00:18:42,109 --> 00:18:46,109 We're the baddest ass species to ever walk this planet man. 490 00:18:46,736 --> 00:18:48,108 That's why we are the apex predator. 491 00:18:48,109 --> 00:18:50,108 My god! 492 00:18:50,109 --> 00:18:51,108 We survived the ice age, because we used our big brains, 493 00:18:51,109 --> 00:18:53,108 and we invented hot chocolate. 494 00:18:53,109 --> 00:18:56,108 [laughter] 495 00:18:56,109 --> 00:18:59,108 I'm not a scientist. 496 00:18:59,109 --> 00:19:01,108 When the Black Plague tried to wipe us out-- 497 00:19:01,109 --> 00:19:02,108 I'm not talking about Civil Rights-- 498 00:19:02,109 --> 00:19:08,108 what I'm talking about-- is the plague 499 00:19:08,109 --> 00:19:09,108 that swept through Europe. 500 00:19:09,109 --> 00:19:10,109 And I'm not talking about the French. 501 00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:15,108 What I'm talking about-- but we got smart. 502 00:19:15,109 --> 00:19:17,108 We started copping into our sleeves. 503 00:19:17,109 --> 00:19:18,108 You stop wiping boogers on our friends. 504 00:19:18,109 --> 00:19:22,108 We stopped making cheeseburgers from the dead. 505 00:19:22,109 --> 00:19:24,109 [laughter] 506 00:19:27,109 --> 00:19:29,108 We are the only animal that thinks about the future. 507 00:19:29,109 --> 00:19:31,108 No other animal thinks about the future. 508 00:19:31,109 --> 00:19:33,108 We're the only animal that thinks about the future. 509 00:19:33,109 --> 00:19:34,108 That's it. 510 00:19:34,109 --> 00:19:35,108 That's why we invented vaccines. 511 00:19:35,109 --> 00:19:37,108 No other animal came up with vaccines. 512 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,108 You don't see the dogs getting together. 513 00:19:38,109 --> 00:19:41,108 Guys, this parvo thing is really jacking us up. 514 00:19:41,109 --> 00:19:43,108 Everybody kick in a T-bone for a research grant, 515 00:19:43,109 --> 00:19:45,108 I think we'll be cool. 516 00:19:45,109 --> 00:19:46,108 Maybe we could make some more money by selling t-shirts. 517 00:19:46,109 --> 00:19:48,109 I know we all hate wearing t-shirts. 518 00:19:51,109 --> 00:19:52,108 And these vaccines are incredible. 519 00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:54,777 We've eradicated horrible diseases with these vaccines. 520 00:19:55,109 --> 00:19:58,108 And sure, these vaccines may or may not cause autism. 521 00:19:58,109 --> 00:19:59,108 But you've got to break a few eggs. 522 00:19:59,109 --> 00:20:02,109 [laughter] 523 00:20:08,109 --> 00:20:09,108 We invented airplanes. 524 00:20:09,109 --> 00:20:13,108 That's metal that flies. 525 00:20:13,109 --> 00:20:17,108 And those planes get where they're going most of the time, 526 00:20:17,109 --> 00:20:19,109 if they stay out of Russian airspace. 527 00:20:21,109 --> 00:20:22,108 All right. 528 00:20:22,109 --> 00:20:24,108 I've got another one. 529 00:20:24,109 --> 00:20:25,108 [laughter] 530 00:20:25,109 --> 00:20:28,108 Those planes get where they're going most of the time, 531 00:20:28,109 --> 00:20:30,108 if we can locate them. 532 00:20:30,109 --> 00:20:32,109 [laughter] 533 00:20:32,986 --> 00:20:34,108 Yeah. 534 00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:36,109 You do realize that we just kind of forgot about 300 people that 535 00:20:37,109 --> 00:20:38,108 went down in the ocean, right? 536 00:20:38,109 --> 00:20:39,108 Yeah. 537 00:20:39,109 --> 00:20:41,108 We looked around for three months. 538 00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:42,108 But the NFL started a new season. 539 00:20:42,109 --> 00:20:43,108 Fuck it. We've got to move on. 540 00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:43,109 Sorry. 541 00:20:43,110 --> 00:20:44,108 Sorry. 542 00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:44,110 Sorry. 543 00:20:45,109 --> 00:20:45,152 We gave it a shot. 544 00:20:46,109 --> 00:20:47,109 We gave it a shot. 545 00:20:51,109 --> 00:20:52,108 We're amazing. 546 00:20:52,109 --> 00:20:53,108 And what bothers me about us right now 547 00:20:53,109 --> 00:20:54,109 is that we're all so smart. 548 00:20:54,527 --> 00:20:57,108 Yet, we're waiting for other people to invent shit for us 549 00:20:57,109 --> 00:20:58,108 to buy. 550 00:20:58,109 --> 00:21:00,108 That's what bothers me the most right now. 551 00:21:00,109 --> 00:21:01,108 And all of us are smart enough to invent it. 552 00:21:01,109 --> 00:21:03,108 We even forgot about the cool stuff we already own. 553 00:21:03,109 --> 00:21:04,108 Cars-- cars are the coolest thing in the world, 554 00:21:04,109 --> 00:21:07,108 and they only kill 40,000 people a year. 555 00:21:07,109 --> 00:21:11,108 In a country of 400 million, I will roll those dice. 556 00:21:11,109 --> 00:21:13,109 Currently, I'm more afraid of the safety devices in my car. 557 00:21:14,109 --> 00:21:18,108 My new car has 11 airbags around me. 558 00:21:18,109 --> 00:21:19,108 I'm afraid I'm going to get in a bad accident. 559 00:21:19,109 --> 00:21:20,109 Everything's going to pop at once, 560 00:21:21,109 --> 00:21:22,108 and I'm going to suffocate. 561 00:21:22,109 --> 00:21:23,108 [laughter] 562 00:21:23,109 --> 00:21:25,109 [screaming] No-- poof. 563 00:21:29,109 --> 00:21:31,108 Mmm! 564 00:21:31,109 --> 00:21:32,108 Oh my god. 565 00:21:32,109 --> 00:21:34,108 Did you hear Titus died in a horrible car wreck? 566 00:21:34,109 --> 00:21:35,108 What happened to him? Nothing. 567 00:21:35,109 --> 00:21:36,108 Not a mark on him. 568 00:21:36,109 --> 00:21:37,109 Nothing. 569 00:21:41,109 --> 00:21:43,109 The new Mercedes S Class will drive 570 00:21:44,109 --> 00:21:46,108 itself up to 31 miles an hour. 571 00:21:46,109 --> 00:21:47,108 How great is that going to be when 572 00:21:47,109 --> 00:21:49,108 you're drunk leaving the club? 573 00:21:49,109 --> 00:21:51,109 [laughter] 574 00:21:55,109 --> 00:21:59,108 You could sleep through a two hour low speed police chase. 575 00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:02,109 [laughter] 576 00:22:09,109 --> 00:22:11,108 Cops finally get into the car, pull it over. 577 00:22:11,109 --> 00:22:12,108 Knock, knock, knock. 578 00:22:12,109 --> 00:22:14,108 Ah! 579 00:22:14,109 --> 00:22:17,108 Ugh! 580 00:22:17,109 --> 00:22:19,108 Oh. 581 00:22:19,109 --> 00:22:22,108 [laughter] 582 00:22:22,109 --> 00:22:24,108 It wasn't me. 583 00:22:24,109 --> 00:22:25,108 The car is German. 584 00:22:25,109 --> 00:22:27,108 It's very arrogant. 585 00:22:27,109 --> 00:22:31,109 [laughter] 586 00:22:32,109 --> 00:22:33,108 We are so smart. 587 00:22:33,109 --> 00:22:35,108 We're such an amazing species. 588 00:22:35,109 --> 00:22:36,108 We think of stuff we don't need. 589 00:22:36,109 --> 00:22:38,108 We thinking on the atomic level. 590 00:22:38,109 --> 00:22:39,108 We invented the atomic bomb. 591 00:22:39,109 --> 00:22:41,108 A horrible device, but it stopped World War II, 592 00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:43,109 and it inspired the Japanese to destroy 593 00:22:44,109 --> 00:22:46,108 our economy and our culture by inventing the PlayStation. 594 00:22:46,109 --> 00:22:48,109 [laughing] 595 00:22:49,109 --> 00:22:50,108 We're amazing people, we are amazing. 596 00:22:50,109 --> 00:22:52,108 The stuff we've invented, the stuff we come up with. 597 00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:53,108 We're amazing. 598 00:22:53,109 --> 00:22:54,108 That's for the apex predator. 599 00:22:54,109 --> 00:22:55,108 And the even cooler thing about it 600 00:22:55,109 --> 00:22:57,108 is that we're easily killed, that we 601 00:22:57,109 --> 00:22:59,108 invented all this cool stuff, that we're killed so easy. 602 00:22:59,109 --> 00:23:00,108 That's crazy. 603 00:23:00,109 --> 00:23:00,109 You don't think we're killed easy? 604 00:23:01,109 --> 00:23:02,108 OK. 605 00:23:02,109 --> 00:23:03,108 Have one too many tequilas tonight. 606 00:23:03,109 --> 00:23:06,108 You'll be high giving Jesus in the morning. 607 00:23:06,109 --> 00:23:07,108 And that's plant based. 608 00:23:07,109 --> 00:23:10,108 Bump your head in that soft spot right there, 609 00:23:10,109 --> 00:23:11,108 with 40 pounds of pressure. 610 00:23:11,109 --> 00:23:14,108 Oh-- all you muscle guys that are mad about the joke earlier, 611 00:23:14,109 --> 00:23:15,109 can't tell me I'm a human specimen. 612 00:23:16,109 --> 00:23:17,108 Bring it on. 613 00:23:17,109 --> 00:23:19,108 All I've got to do is write some fresh poop on a sharp stick, 614 00:23:19,109 --> 00:23:20,108 poke you really hard. 615 00:23:20,109 --> 00:23:21,109 Two days later, dead. 616 00:23:25,109 --> 00:23:27,108 Christopher Titus, budget assassin. 617 00:23:27,109 --> 00:23:32,109 [laughter] 618 00:23:38,109 --> 00:23:41,109 It's amazing to me that my dogs can eat a pound of cat crap, 619 00:23:41,527 --> 00:23:44,108 and they're fine. 620 00:23:44,109 --> 00:23:46,108 But if they want to show their fecal delicacy with me 621 00:23:46,109 --> 00:23:49,108 by licking my face twice, next day, I'm in ICU, 622 00:23:49,109 --> 00:23:50,109 eating lunch through a tube. 623 00:23:52,109 --> 00:23:54,108 We've saved our own asses, because we 624 00:23:54,109 --> 00:23:55,108 always think about the future. 625 00:23:55,109 --> 00:23:56,108 Now, what's coming to get us man? 626 00:23:56,109 --> 00:23:57,108 How do we save ourselves? 627 00:23:57,109 --> 00:23:58,108 What do I got to do next? 628 00:23:58,109 --> 00:24:00,108 My dogs do not have a future. 629 00:24:00,109 --> 00:24:03,108 Their entire life happens right here. 630 00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:05,108 Whatever's in front of them, that's it man. 631 00:24:05,109 --> 00:24:07,108 Put a piece of chicken in front of my dog, that's it. 632 00:24:07,109 --> 00:24:08,108 Their life is over for the day. 633 00:24:08,109 --> 00:24:10,108 Chicken! 634 00:24:10,109 --> 00:24:11,108 There has always been chicken. 635 00:24:11,109 --> 00:24:12,108 There will always be chicken. 636 00:24:12,109 --> 00:24:13,108 Chicken is the best thing in the world-- chicken. 637 00:24:13,109 --> 00:24:14,108 Take that away, put a ball. 638 00:24:14,109 --> 00:24:15,109 Ball! 639 00:24:15,569 --> 00:24:16,108 I love ball. 640 00:24:16,109 --> 00:24:18,108 Ball's the best thing. 641 00:24:18,109 --> 00:24:19,108 Take ball, piss. 642 00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:20,109 Sock! 643 00:24:22,109 --> 00:24:24,109 It's the same reaction every time. 644 00:24:24,944 --> 00:24:26,108 It's amazing to watch. 645 00:24:26,109 --> 00:24:27,108 Put a piece of chicken front of us. 646 00:24:27,109 --> 00:24:29,108 Chicken! 647 00:24:29,109 --> 00:24:30,109 Man, I hope they cooked that long enough, 648 00:24:31,109 --> 00:24:34,108 no salmonella on that chicken. 649 00:24:34,109 --> 00:24:35,109 Is that what those black dots are? 650 00:24:36,109 --> 00:24:37,108 Is that salmonella? 651 00:24:37,109 --> 00:24:38,108 Because I hear about it all the time on the news 652 00:24:38,109 --> 00:24:39,109 on spinach, on lettuce, on chicken. 653 00:24:40,109 --> 00:24:41,108 And the one thing about chicken though, that makes 654 00:24:41,109 --> 00:24:42,108 more sense to me, you know? 655 00:24:42,109 --> 00:24:43,109 And what is salmonella? 656 00:24:44,109 --> 00:24:45,108 Am I puking and pooping so I can't drive to the hospital? 657 00:24:45,109 --> 00:24:47,108 And if that's the case, does Obamacare 658 00:24:47,109 --> 00:24:48,108 even cover an ambulance right? 659 00:24:48,109 --> 00:24:49,109 I don't know, you know? 660 00:24:49,569 --> 00:24:51,108 You know, I tried to go on the website and pick the plan, 661 00:24:51,109 --> 00:24:52,108 and I couldn't get on. 662 00:24:52,109 --> 00:24:54,108 And my wife did, but she just threw a dart. 663 00:24:54,109 --> 00:24:55,108 God, I hope the kids are covered. 664 00:24:55,109 --> 00:24:56,109 I didn't even think about that. My god. 665 00:24:57,109 --> 00:24:58,109 And my little one, she's always saying, oh, he's so creative. 666 00:24:59,109 --> 00:25:00,108 I don't think he's creative man. 667 00:25:00,109 --> 00:25:01,108 I drive him to school, and he just stares 668 00:25:01,109 --> 00:25:03,108 at the sun the entire way man. 669 00:25:03,109 --> 00:25:04,108 I think he's an idiot. 670 00:25:04,109 --> 00:25:05,108 I'm not saving for his college. 671 00:25:05,109 --> 00:25:06,108 I'm buying a ski boat. 672 00:25:06,109 --> 00:25:07,108 Screw that kid. 673 00:25:07,109 --> 00:25:08,108 We're not doing this. 674 00:25:08,109 --> 00:25:11,108 And then the people you're having dinner with go dude, 675 00:25:11,109 --> 00:25:14,108 are you going to eat your chicken? 676 00:25:14,109 --> 00:25:15,109 Oh, I forgot I had chicken. 677 00:25:20,109 --> 00:25:20,109 [applause] 678 00:25:20,110 --> 00:25:21,108 We're always-- yeah. 679 00:25:21,109 --> 00:25:23,108 We're always out there man. 680 00:25:23,109 --> 00:25:25,108 What's coming, what's coming to kill us, and how do we stop it? 681 00:25:25,109 --> 00:25:26,108 What is coming to kill us? 682 00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:27,777 And how do we stop it? 683 00:25:28,109 --> 00:25:30,109 And then once we prove with billions of research 684 00:25:31,109 --> 00:25:35,108 that something's definitely going to kill us, 685 00:25:35,109 --> 00:25:38,108 we stop giving a flying rat's ass about it. 686 00:25:38,109 --> 00:25:39,108 Case in point, cigarette. 687 00:25:39,109 --> 00:25:41,108 Says it right on the pack man. 688 00:25:41,109 --> 00:25:42,108 Cigarettes kill everybody. 689 00:25:42,109 --> 00:25:44,108 Government knows this. Government, cigarettes kill. 690 00:25:44,109 --> 00:25:44,109 We heard. What do we do? 691 00:25:45,109 --> 00:25:45,109 Put a label on it. 692 00:25:45,110 --> 00:25:47,108 Good idea. 693 00:25:47,109 --> 00:25:48,108 Yeah. 694 00:25:48,109 --> 00:25:50,108 I guess it's on you now. 695 00:25:50,109 --> 00:25:54,108 Says it on the pack, this kills your ass dead. 696 00:25:54,109 --> 00:25:57,108 You will live 11 years less than everybody you know. 697 00:25:57,109 --> 00:25:58,108 I know. 698 00:25:58,109 --> 00:25:59,108 I read it. 699 00:25:59,109 --> 00:26:00,108 I'm not an idiot. 700 00:26:00,109 --> 00:26:03,109 [laughter] 701 00:26:06,109 --> 00:26:07,108 Look around. 702 00:26:07,109 --> 00:26:08,109 I don't want to be here that long anyway. 703 00:26:11,109 --> 00:26:12,108 Too many level one's. 704 00:26:12,109 --> 00:26:15,108 [laughter] 705 00:26:15,109 --> 00:26:16,108 We're always thinking about man. 706 00:26:16,109 --> 00:26:18,108 Prescription medication currently kills 707 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:21,108 more people than car accidents. 708 00:26:21,109 --> 00:26:22,109 I know, it's horrible. 709 00:26:25,109 --> 00:26:27,109 People don't know how to dose. 710 00:26:30,109 --> 00:26:34,108 It's one pill for every two beers. 711 00:26:34,109 --> 00:26:36,109 [laughter] 712 00:26:37,727 --> 00:26:39,426 They know it man. 713 00:26:39,427 --> 00:26:41,426 The nuclear weapon, worst thing ever invented. 714 00:26:41,427 --> 00:26:42,678 They know it vaporizes everything 715 00:26:43,427 --> 00:26:45,426 when it goes off and leaves residue for 1,000 years. 716 00:26:45,427 --> 00:26:46,426 I know. 717 00:26:46,427 --> 00:26:47,426 We've got to keep making them though. 718 00:26:47,427 --> 00:26:48,929 Why? 719 00:26:49,427 --> 00:26:51,426 Well, because we might want to destroy 720 00:26:51,427 --> 00:26:53,426 everything and screw it up for 1,000 years, 721 00:26:53,427 --> 00:26:56,426 because that will show them. 722 00:26:56,427 --> 00:26:58,427 [laughter] 723 00:27:00,427 --> 00:27:02,427 Now, that's why it didn't surprise me at all after New 724 00:27:03,427 --> 00:27:05,426 Town, Aurora, this right here, USCB-- 725 00:27:05,427 --> 00:27:07,426 all these shootings that we can't 726 00:27:07,427 --> 00:27:09,426 come up with one new gun law? 727 00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:11,426 Not even a good one, like hey, if you've 728 00:27:11,427 --> 00:27:12,427 got more voices in your head than bullets 729 00:27:13,427 --> 00:27:15,426 in the clip, no gun for you! 730 00:27:15,427 --> 00:27:18,426 Little law, a tiny law. 731 00:27:18,427 --> 00:27:19,427 Little, tiny law. 732 00:27:22,427 --> 00:27:24,426 And I want to talk to you gun people right now. 733 00:27:24,427 --> 00:27:25,426 And I know you're in here, because I just 734 00:27:25,427 --> 00:27:27,427 heard your anuses squeak shut. 735 00:27:31,427 --> 00:27:33,426 [cheering] 736 00:27:33,427 --> 00:27:35,426 I want you to know, I'm not anti-gun. 737 00:27:35,427 --> 00:27:38,426 I'm definitely anti-douchebag. 738 00:27:38,427 --> 00:27:40,426 And currently, right now, the NRA 739 00:27:40,427 --> 00:27:42,427 is cannon-balling the douchebag train through Numb-nuts-ville. 740 00:27:43,427 --> 00:27:44,426 My god. 741 00:27:44,427 --> 00:27:47,426 I have never seen a crazier lobby organization in my life. 742 00:27:47,427 --> 00:27:49,426 They used to be cool. You know what they used to do? 743 00:27:49,427 --> 00:27:50,426 They had these programs for boy scouts. 744 00:27:50,427 --> 00:27:51,426 They would teach them gun safety. 745 00:27:51,427 --> 00:27:53,426 That's what everyone should do. 746 00:27:53,427 --> 00:27:54,427 You might stumble across a gun, because they've sold so many, 747 00:27:55,427 --> 00:27:58,426 they could be just lying around. 748 00:27:58,427 --> 00:28:00,426 They would raise deer limits so hunters could shoot more. 749 00:28:00,427 --> 00:28:01,426 That's what the NRA used to do. 750 00:28:01,427 --> 00:28:02,426 Now, be clear. 751 00:28:02,427 --> 00:28:04,426 They sell guns. 752 00:28:04,427 --> 00:28:06,426 That's it. 753 00:28:06,427 --> 00:28:07,426 And I wish they would have the balls to just come 754 00:28:07,427 --> 00:28:08,426 out and say what they made. 755 00:28:08,427 --> 00:28:10,426 Because they've said so much crazy things 756 00:28:10,427 --> 00:28:11,426 these last couple of years. Just come out and say it. 757 00:28:11,427 --> 00:28:13,426 Just walk to the mike and go, by the way, 758 00:28:13,427 --> 00:28:15,427 we could stop school shootings if we just got rid of children. 759 00:28:16,427 --> 00:28:18,426 [laughter] 760 00:28:18,427 --> 00:28:19,426 And the house would pass that instantly. 761 00:28:19,427 --> 00:28:21,426 No more children. We just outlawed them. 762 00:28:21,427 --> 00:28:22,426 There you go. 763 00:28:22,427 --> 00:28:23,426 Wow. 764 00:28:23,427 --> 00:28:25,426 We saved $38 billion dollars off the education budget. 765 00:28:25,427 --> 00:28:29,426 Yeah, the black guy didn't do that, did he? 766 00:28:29,427 --> 00:28:33,427 [scattered applause] 767 00:28:34,427 --> 00:28:36,427 [laughter] 768 00:28:37,427 --> 00:28:40,426 Now, I want you guys to know my children go 769 00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:42,426 to a Christian school, because I believe every child need 770 00:28:42,427 --> 00:28:46,426 a base knowledge in illusion. 771 00:28:46,427 --> 00:28:49,427 [laughter] 772 00:28:53,427 --> 00:28:57,426 And there's no Harry Potter school. 773 00:28:57,427 --> 00:28:59,426 There's no Lord of the Rings school. 774 00:28:59,427 --> 00:29:01,426 I would send my kid to a Star Wars school in a second. 775 00:29:01,427 --> 00:29:02,426 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 776 00:29:02,427 --> 00:29:04,426 Are you kidding me? 777 00:29:04,427 --> 00:29:07,426 Are you kidding me? 778 00:29:07,427 --> 00:29:11,426 Faith, the force, same thing, different helmet. 779 00:29:11,427 --> 00:29:13,427 [laughter] 780 00:29:14,427 --> 00:29:15,426 And don't get me wrong. 781 00:29:15,427 --> 00:29:16,426 I'm not anti-religion at all. 782 00:29:16,427 --> 00:29:17,426 Religion's good for you. 783 00:29:17,427 --> 00:29:18,426 Whatever works for you, you know? 784 00:29:18,427 --> 00:29:20,426 I'm a little anti-atheist. 785 00:29:20,427 --> 00:29:22,426 How can those people be that pissed about believing 786 00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:24,426 in nothing? 787 00:29:24,427 --> 00:29:26,426 You ever get an atheist fired up? 788 00:29:26,427 --> 00:29:27,426 They just start going, I can't believe 789 00:29:27,427 --> 00:29:30,426 there's a guy, this guy, angels, and Santa Claus, and wishes, 790 00:29:30,427 --> 00:29:31,426 and, hey, hey, hey, hey. 791 00:29:31,427 --> 00:29:33,426 I also believe in anger management. 792 00:29:33,427 --> 00:29:37,427 [laughter] 793 00:29:38,427 --> 00:29:42,426 Because you're acting like a jihad atheist right now, 794 00:29:42,427 --> 00:29:44,427 and it scares me that you don't get the irony. 795 00:29:47,427 --> 00:29:49,426 So then the NRA came out. And they said, all right. 796 00:29:49,427 --> 00:29:50,426 You know what you need to do? 797 00:29:50,427 --> 00:29:52,426 We need to have armed guards in the school. 798 00:29:52,427 --> 00:29:53,426 Good idea. 799 00:29:53,427 --> 00:29:56,426 More adults with weapons near the children, perfect. 800 00:29:56,427 --> 00:29:59,427 Yeah, because security guards are always so well balanced, 801 00:30:00,427 --> 00:30:01,426 aren't they? 802 00:30:01,427 --> 00:30:03,426 Ugh, I was almost a cop-- almost a cop. 803 00:30:03,427 --> 00:30:04,426 I was almost a cop. 804 00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:07,426 God damn, I was almost a cop. 805 00:30:07,427 --> 00:30:08,426 Almost a cop. 806 00:30:08,427 --> 00:30:10,426 Almost a cop. 807 00:30:10,427 --> 00:30:11,426 Hey! 808 00:30:11,427 --> 00:30:12,426 Hey Zimmerman, you OK? 809 00:30:12,427 --> 00:30:16,426 Yeah, I was almost a cop, almost. 810 00:30:16,427 --> 00:30:17,427 Almost a cop. 811 00:30:20,427 --> 00:30:21,426 They said, all right. 812 00:30:21,427 --> 00:30:23,426 That's kind of expensive, too many guards at the school. 813 00:30:23,427 --> 00:30:25,426 I know what we'll do. 814 00:30:25,427 --> 00:30:26,426 They actually gave us in a news story, 815 00:30:26,427 --> 00:30:28,426 we need to arm the teachers. 816 00:30:28,427 --> 00:30:32,427 [laughing] 817 00:30:38,803 --> 00:30:42,426 Let me be very clear about this one. 818 00:30:42,427 --> 00:30:47,426 If any of my teachers had ever been armed, 819 00:30:47,427 --> 00:30:50,426 there would be no show tonight. 820 00:30:50,427 --> 00:30:54,427 [cheering] 821 00:30:55,427 --> 00:30:57,427 Are you serious? 822 00:31:04,427 --> 00:31:05,426 Do you guys know your kids? 823 00:31:05,427 --> 00:31:06,427 AUDIENCE: No. 824 00:31:07,427 --> 00:31:09,426 Do you want anybody that spends seven to eight hours a day 825 00:31:09,427 --> 00:31:17,426 with your children to have a weapon? 826 00:31:17,427 --> 00:31:22,426 Murders and suicides would sky rocket. 827 00:31:22,427 --> 00:31:23,426 Just some poor teacher in Alabama 828 00:31:23,427 --> 00:31:27,426 getting her standardized testing results back. 829 00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,426 Oh my god. 830 00:31:30,427 --> 00:31:33,427 I've been teaching these idiots for nine months. 831 00:31:33,927 --> 00:31:35,427 [laughter] 832 00:31:37,017 --> 00:31:38,516 But I'll tell you what. 833 00:31:38,517 --> 00:31:40,016 I could fix every problem currently plagued in 834 00:31:40,017 --> 00:31:41,016 this amazing country right now. 835 00:31:41,017 --> 00:31:42,016 I really could. 836 00:31:42,017 --> 00:31:43,016 And you know what? 837 00:31:43,017 --> 00:31:45,017 It's not armed guards at our school. 838 00:31:46,017 --> 00:31:46,017 That is asinine. 839 00:31:47,017 --> 00:31:47,602 It is not arming our teachers. 840 00:31:48,017 --> 00:31:49,016 That is just stupid. 841 00:31:49,017 --> 00:31:51,016 Well, we could fix every problem with America if we 842 00:31:51,017 --> 00:31:53,852 would simply arm the children. 843 00:31:54,017 --> 00:31:55,016 [laughter] 844 00:31:55,017 --> 00:31:56,016 Come on. 845 00:31:56,017 --> 00:31:58,016 Yeah, come on NRA. 846 00:31:58,017 --> 00:32:01,016 NRA, let's get fucking crazy. 847 00:32:01,017 --> 00:32:05,016 Second amendment, second amendment, second amendment. 848 00:32:05,017 --> 00:32:08,016 I love people that get fired up about the second, god given 849 00:32:08,017 --> 00:32:09,016 right, god given right. 850 00:32:09,017 --> 00:32:11,016 No, Moses chiseled into stone, that was the 11th commandment. 851 00:32:11,017 --> 00:32:12,016 And then he came down the mountain, 852 00:32:12,017 --> 00:32:14,016 and he threw it at the calf, and it broke off. 853 00:32:14,017 --> 00:32:15,016 So then Jesus and Thomas Jefferson had to rewrite it. 854 00:32:15,017 --> 00:32:16,017 That's what happened. 855 00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,016 And then Gandhi put a sandwich on it, 856 00:32:18,017 --> 00:32:19,016 and then Martin Luther King marched 857 00:32:19,017 --> 00:32:20,016 around it about three times. 858 00:32:20,017 --> 00:32:21,017 Can't change the second amendment. 859 00:32:25,017 --> 00:32:27,016 Well, for those of you that believe that, 860 00:32:27,017 --> 00:32:29,016 I have some bad news. 861 00:32:29,017 --> 00:32:32,016 Constitution's been changed 27 times. 862 00:32:32,017 --> 00:32:33,016 Shut up comedian! 863 00:32:33,017 --> 00:32:34,016 Shut up! 864 00:32:34,017 --> 00:32:35,016 Quit talking! 865 00:32:35,017 --> 00:32:37,016 Ah, ah, ah, first amendment. 866 00:32:37,017 --> 00:32:41,017 [laughter] 867 00:32:44,017 --> 00:32:45,016 Yeah. 868 00:32:45,017 --> 00:32:49,016 Don't just quote the sexy amendments. 869 00:32:49,017 --> 00:32:51,017 Two words that have never been put together ever. 870 00:32:54,017 --> 00:32:55,016 And I will be honest with you. 871 00:32:55,017 --> 00:32:57,016 I give you guys an honest shot. 872 00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:59,016 How many people here think they are totally capable and totally 873 00:32:59,017 --> 00:33:00,017 qualified to own a weapon? 874 00:33:01,017 --> 00:33:02,016 Whoo! 875 00:33:02,017 --> 00:33:03,016 [cheering] 876 00:33:03,017 --> 00:33:07,016 First of all, anybody that goes, whoo doesn't get a gun. 877 00:33:07,017 --> 00:33:09,016 Sorry. 878 00:33:09,017 --> 00:33:10,016 You yell out in public. 879 00:33:10,017 --> 00:33:13,016 You overreact. 880 00:33:13,017 --> 00:33:14,017 They're easily led. 881 00:33:18,017 --> 00:33:18,017 Can't have a gun. 882 00:33:18,227 --> 00:33:21,016 You're a psychopath. 883 00:33:21,017 --> 00:33:23,435 You people that calmly clap, eh, you seem OK. 884 00:33:24,017 --> 00:33:25,016 You can have a gun. 885 00:33:25,017 --> 00:33:27,016 If you happen to have a Confederate flag 886 00:33:27,017 --> 00:33:34,016 sticker anywhere on your pickup truck, no gun for you! 887 00:33:34,017 --> 00:33:37,016 I'm sorry, no. 888 00:33:37,017 --> 00:33:40,016 That was a terrorist organization trying to split 889 00:33:40,017 --> 00:33:41,016 our great country in two. 890 00:33:41,017 --> 00:33:42,016 You might as well have an al-Qaeda 891 00:33:42,017 --> 00:33:46,016 stick on the other side and ISIS over your Travis Tritt. 892 00:33:46,017 --> 00:33:48,016 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 893 00:33:48,017 --> 00:33:49,016 I'll fix that joke in the second show. 894 00:33:49,017 --> 00:33:50,017 Shut up. 895 00:33:53,017 --> 00:33:54,017 And here's how I honestly believe 896 00:33:55,017 --> 00:33:56,016 about the whole gun thing. 897 00:33:56,017 --> 00:33:58,016 I believe if you hit the age of 30, 898 00:33:58,017 --> 00:34:00,016 you should instantly be banned from owning a weapon. 899 00:34:00,017 --> 00:34:01,016 And here's why. 900 00:34:01,017 --> 00:34:07,017 If you made it to 30, you have some damage. 901 00:34:11,017 --> 00:34:14,016 You know what psychotic anger is. 902 00:34:14,017 --> 00:34:17,016 You've had your heart broken repeatedly, sometimes 903 00:34:17,017 --> 00:34:18,017 by the same person, you idiot. 904 00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:24,016 Got screwed over at work, had money ripped off from you, 905 00:34:24,017 --> 00:34:25,016 gotten an investment with one of your brothers, 906 00:34:25,017 --> 00:34:26,017 and he got his money back, but you 907 00:34:27,017 --> 00:34:28,016 didn't, because you were tier two, 908 00:34:28,017 --> 00:34:29,017 whatever the fuck that means. 909 00:34:32,017 --> 00:34:34,016 Bank of America customer service. 910 00:34:34,017 --> 00:34:37,017 [laughter] 911 00:34:38,017 --> 00:34:40,016 I told him. 912 00:34:40,017 --> 00:34:44,016 At any minute, any one of us over 30 could snap like a twig. 913 00:34:44,017 --> 00:34:46,016 But kids don't have that problem. 914 00:34:46,017 --> 00:34:47,016 They're just kids man. 915 00:34:47,017 --> 00:34:48,016 They do what they're told. 916 00:34:48,017 --> 00:34:49,016 They'd probably hate wearing them. 917 00:34:49,017 --> 00:34:51,016 Be fun to wake them up, though. 918 00:34:51,017 --> 00:34:52,016 Guys, we're late for school. Get your backpack. 919 00:34:52,017 --> 00:34:53,016 Get your homework. Get your Glock. 920 00:34:53,017 --> 00:34:53,017 We've got to move. 921 00:34:54,017 --> 00:34:55,016 Let's go, let's go. 922 00:34:55,017 --> 00:34:57,017 I don't want to wear my Glock! 923 00:35:00,017 --> 00:35:02,016 Hey, hey, 28th Amendment. 924 00:35:02,017 --> 00:35:06,016 Put on your damn gun. 925 00:35:06,017 --> 00:35:07,016 No, not the Hello Kitty holster. 926 00:35:07,017 --> 00:35:08,017 You look like an idiot. 927 00:35:13,017 --> 00:35:13,017 There you go. 928 00:35:14,017 --> 00:35:15,016 Problem solved, you know? 929 00:35:15,017 --> 00:35:16,016 Train them how to use their guns. 930 00:35:16,017 --> 00:35:17,016 They're in class with their guns. 931 00:35:17,017 --> 00:35:19,016 Perfect, no problem, then have some 22 year old 932 00:35:19,017 --> 00:35:20,016 psycho burst into their school. 933 00:35:20,017 --> 00:35:21,016 You know that kid I'm talking about? 934 00:35:21,017 --> 00:35:24,016 That kid who was raised on television, and video games, 935 00:35:24,017 --> 00:35:25,017 and decided to live his life by the rules 936 00:35:26,017 --> 00:35:28,017 of the kind of Mordor. 937 00:35:28,101 --> 00:35:31,016 Kids whose parents didn't smack him, you know, 938 00:35:31,017 --> 00:35:32,017 ground him, or hug him enough except 939 00:35:33,017 --> 00:35:35,016 to put him on a diet of Ritalin, Prozac, and Cheetos. 940 00:35:35,017 --> 00:35:38,016 So not only is his brain fried, but his level of nutritionist 941 00:35:38,017 --> 00:35:42,016 is so low, he hasn't taken a good dump in a fortnight. 942 00:35:42,017 --> 00:35:43,017 And I don't know how long that is, 943 00:35:44,017 --> 00:35:45,016 but I know it's at least four days. 944 00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:48,016 [laughter] 945 00:35:48,017 --> 00:35:50,016 And that kid bursts into your kid's school, 946 00:35:50,017 --> 00:35:53,016 you know, carrying a Bush master his dad bought at Walmart 947 00:35:53,017 --> 00:35:54,016 but didn't lock it up, because he figured, 948 00:35:54,017 --> 00:35:56,016 it's just a semi automatic weapon. 949 00:35:56,017 --> 00:35:58,016 What could happen? 950 00:35:58,017 --> 00:35:59,017 And he kicks open your kid's classroom 951 00:36:00,017 --> 00:36:02,016 door, starts talking like Satan, threatens to take their souls. 952 00:36:02,017 --> 00:36:09,016 The kids could very calmly put down the number two pencils 953 00:36:09,017 --> 00:36:10,016 and pull their nine millimeters. 954 00:36:10,017 --> 00:36:11,016 [gun sound mimicry] 955 00:36:11,017 --> 00:36:12,016 AUDIENCE: Yeah. 956 00:36:12,017 --> 00:36:13,016 There you go. 957 00:36:13,017 --> 00:36:15,016 No more crazy shootings, people getting hurt. 958 00:36:15,017 --> 00:36:17,016 And all we had to do was arm the children. 959 00:36:17,017 --> 00:36:18,017 You know what? 960 00:36:18,769 --> 00:36:19,017 That's such a pretty phrase. 961 00:36:20,017 --> 00:36:20,017 Say that with me one time. 962 00:36:21,017 --> 00:36:22,016 On three, one, two, three. 963 00:36:22,017 --> 00:36:25,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 964 00:36:25,017 --> 00:36:26,017 Yes. 965 00:36:27,017 --> 00:36:29,016 But I said I'd fix everything. 966 00:36:29,017 --> 00:36:30,016 I'm going to fix education. 967 00:36:30,017 --> 00:36:31,016 We all agree there's good and bad teachers, right? 968 00:36:31,017 --> 00:36:32,016 We've got to get rid of the bad teachers. 969 00:36:32,017 --> 00:36:33,016 We all agree to that. 970 00:36:33,017 --> 00:36:34,016 We said, OK. 971 00:36:34,017 --> 00:36:35,017 Let's test all the teachers. 972 00:36:36,017 --> 00:36:37,016 Well, the teacher's union stood up and went, no, no, no. 973 00:36:37,017 --> 00:36:38,016 Can't test teachers. 974 00:36:38,017 --> 00:36:41,016 It's not a good measure of performance. 975 00:36:41,017 --> 00:36:44,017 [laughter] 976 00:36:45,017 --> 00:36:47,017 Even the teachers went ugh, crap. 977 00:36:51,017 --> 00:36:55,016 Somebody remind them it's what we do please. 978 00:36:55,017 --> 00:36:56,977 Fine, we don't need to test the teachers. 979 00:36:57,017 --> 00:36:58,016 We'll just arm the children. 980 00:36:58,017 --> 00:37:00,017 Then you'll just know who the bad teachers are. 981 00:37:04,017 --> 00:37:07,016 Mrs. Cooper is leaking, bad teacher. 982 00:37:07,017 --> 00:37:09,016 It'll also change a parent teacher 983 00:37:09,017 --> 00:37:11,016 conference dynamic quite a bit. 984 00:37:11,017 --> 00:37:12,017 Oh, you ever take your little one 985 00:37:13,017 --> 00:37:14,016 to parent teacher conference when they're screwing up? 986 00:37:14,017 --> 00:37:15,016 Don't you like an idiot? 987 00:37:15,017 --> 00:37:17,016 Michael's not doing good at math. 988 00:37:17,017 --> 00:37:20,016 Ugh, even my sperm is stupid. 989 00:37:20,017 --> 00:37:22,016 I've got to stop watching porn and drinking. 990 00:37:22,017 --> 00:37:25,016 I suck as a father. 991 00:37:25,017 --> 00:37:28,016 But if we arm the children, that changes 180 degrees. 992 00:37:28,017 --> 00:37:30,016 Michael's not doing good at math. 993 00:37:30,017 --> 00:37:31,016 [laughing] 994 00:37:31,017 --> 00:37:32,017 Really? 995 00:37:33,017 --> 00:37:34,016 Well, that's a bummer, because for Christmas, I 996 00:37:34,017 --> 00:37:38,016 got him a Desert Eagle. 997 00:37:38,017 --> 00:37:43,016 So you better figure out how to unlock his learning potential-- 998 00:37:43,017 --> 00:37:45,016 [laughter] 999 00:37:45,017 --> 00:37:49,017 --or the spring semester is going to be a bitch. 1000 00:37:49,393 --> 00:37:53,016 I'll see you in a couple months, I hope. 1001 00:37:53,017 --> 00:37:55,016 There you go, education fixed. 1002 00:37:55,017 --> 00:37:57,016 And all we had to do is arm the children. 1003 00:37:57,017 --> 00:37:58,016 Say it again, one, two, three. 1004 00:37:58,017 --> 00:38:00,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 1005 00:38:00,017 --> 00:38:02,016 Yes. 1006 00:38:02,017 --> 00:38:04,016 Now, I'm going to stop bullying, because bullying is bad. 1007 00:38:04,017 --> 00:38:06,017 Bullying's the scourge of America. 1008 00:38:09,017 --> 00:38:11,016 We're spending $30 million across the country 1009 00:38:11,017 --> 00:38:12,016 on anti-bully programs. 1010 00:38:12,017 --> 00:38:13,016 You want to guarantee your kid gets 1011 00:38:13,017 --> 00:38:17,017 his ass kicked, get him involved in an anti-bully program. 1012 00:38:18,017 --> 00:38:19,016 If that was going on when I was in school, 1013 00:38:19,017 --> 00:38:21,016 I would've found those kids and beat them 1014 00:38:21,017 --> 00:38:24,016 up just to be ironically funny. 1015 00:38:24,017 --> 00:38:26,016 [punching mimicry] 1016 00:38:26,017 --> 00:38:27,016 No, I'm not mad. 1017 00:38:27,017 --> 00:38:28,017 I'm just making a point. 1018 00:38:31,017 --> 00:38:34,016 Government intervention doesn't always work. 1019 00:38:34,017 --> 00:38:36,017 This is extra credit for history class. 1020 00:38:40,017 --> 00:38:43,016 But if we arm the children, bullying is over. 1021 00:38:43,017 --> 00:38:45,016 It just levels the playing field. 1022 00:38:45,017 --> 00:38:47,016 Hey, give me your lunch money. 1023 00:38:47,017 --> 00:38:48,017 Ch-ch-- what? 1024 00:38:48,101 --> 00:38:51,017 [laughter] 1025 00:38:53,017 --> 00:38:55,016 Yeah, that's what I thought you said. 1026 00:38:55,017 --> 00:38:57,016 Yeah. 1027 00:38:57,017 --> 00:38:58,016 Maybe you should think twice before you bust into chess club 1028 00:38:58,017 --> 00:38:59,017 like that. 1029 00:39:02,017 --> 00:39:05,017 [laughter] 1030 00:39:16,017 --> 00:39:17,016 No more bullies. 1031 00:39:17,017 --> 00:39:18,016 And all we had to do is arm the children. 1032 00:39:18,017 --> 00:39:20,016 Say it again, one, two, three. 1033 00:39:20,017 --> 00:39:22,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 1034 00:39:22,017 --> 00:39:23,017 Yes. 1035 00:39:23,143 --> 00:39:25,227 Now, I'm going to save this country $200 billion. 1036 00:39:26,017 --> 00:39:27,017 You're welcome. 1037 00:39:28,017 --> 00:39:29,016 Child abuse-- horrible situation right now man. 1038 00:39:29,017 --> 00:39:31,017 We spend all this money, Child Protective Services, 1039 00:39:31,477 --> 00:39:32,016 Social Services. 1040 00:39:32,017 --> 00:39:33,016 We subsidize foster care. 1041 00:39:33,017 --> 00:39:35,016 We build homes for abused kids. 1042 00:39:35,017 --> 00:39:37,016 It's a bad situation. 1043 00:39:37,017 --> 00:39:47,016 But if we arm the children, child abuse is over, 1044 00:39:47,017 --> 00:39:48,017 and parental abuse begins. 1045 00:39:51,017 --> 00:39:53,018 Damn it Brian, is that the second time you've spilled milk 1046 00:39:54,017 --> 00:39:55,016 at my dinner table? 1047 00:39:55,017 --> 00:39:56,017 Well, I'm not having that shit in my house! 1048 00:39:57,017 --> 00:39:58,016 I'm going to take this belt off and-- 1049 00:39:58,017 --> 00:40:00,017 [gun loading mimicry] 1050 00:40:01,017 --> 00:40:05,016 And I'm going to get you a paper towel. 1051 00:40:05,017 --> 00:40:08,017 [laughter] 1052 00:40:09,685 --> 00:40:14,016 Because, because I'm your daddy, and I love you Brian. 1053 00:40:14,017 --> 00:40:16,016 (CRYING) Remember when you said you 1054 00:40:16,017 --> 00:40:18,016 wanted to be a cowboy Brian? 1055 00:40:18,017 --> 00:40:21,017 Cowboys don't shoot their daddies in the back, right? 1056 00:40:24,017 --> 00:40:27,016 Child abuse over, and all we had to do was arm the children. 1057 00:40:27,017 --> 00:40:28,016 What do we do? 1058 00:40:28,017 --> 00:40:30,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 1059 00:40:30,017 --> 00:40:32,016 Now, let's help law enforcement. 1060 00:40:32,017 --> 00:40:34,016 Cops have a tough job, toughest job of all. 1061 00:40:34,017 --> 00:40:35,017 Imagine all the crime that cops have to deal with. 1062 00:40:36,017 --> 00:40:37,016 And just on top of that, they've got 1063 00:40:37,017 --> 00:40:38,016 child molesters and pedophiles. 1064 00:40:38,017 --> 00:40:39,016 And that's a weird one, because it 1065 00:40:39,017 --> 00:40:41,016 happened behind closed doors. 1066 00:40:41,017 --> 00:40:42,016 That guy's a child molester. 1067 00:40:42,017 --> 00:40:43,727 Great. 1068 00:40:44,017 --> 00:40:45,016 Now, we've got three officers to interview the guy, 1069 00:40:45,017 --> 00:40:48,016 get him to admit it, or find out that we'll 1070 00:40:48,017 --> 00:40:48,017 never going to know it. 1071 00:40:48,018 --> 00:40:49,977 They interview the kid. 1072 00:40:50,017 --> 00:40:51,016 Is the kid lying? 1073 00:40:51,017 --> 00:40:52,016 And then you guys know this? 1074 00:40:52,017 --> 00:40:55,017 If someone gets convicted of pedophilia, child molestation, 1075 00:40:56,017 --> 00:40:57,016 they go to prison. 1076 00:40:57,017 --> 00:40:58,016 But they go to isolation, which costs 1077 00:40:58,017 --> 00:41:05,016 us $35,000 extra per prisoner per year of our tax money. 1078 00:41:05,017 --> 00:41:09,016 But if we arm the children. 1079 00:41:09,017 --> 00:41:12,017 [cheering] 1080 00:41:14,017 --> 00:41:17,016 We will never have to track down a pedophile again. 1081 00:41:17,017 --> 00:41:21,016 We will just stumble across them. 1082 00:41:21,017 --> 00:41:23,016 [laughter] 1083 00:41:23,017 --> 00:41:25,016 Like ah, damn it Chuck. 1084 00:41:25,017 --> 00:41:27,016 We got another one. 1085 00:41:27,017 --> 00:41:30,016 No, just get the van. 1086 00:41:30,017 --> 00:41:31,017 Yes, we have room. 1087 00:41:32,017 --> 00:41:34,016 Just move the Boy Scout leaders to the side. 1088 00:41:34,017 --> 00:41:37,017 [applause] 1089 00:41:40,017 --> 00:41:41,016 There you go. 1090 00:41:41,017 --> 00:41:42,016 No more pedophiles. 1091 00:41:42,017 --> 00:41:44,016 And all we had to do was arm the children. 1092 00:41:44,017 --> 00:41:45,016 What do we do? 1093 00:41:45,017 --> 00:41:48,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 1094 00:41:48,017 --> 00:41:51,016 Do you see how Hitler got started? 1095 00:41:51,017 --> 00:41:53,017 [laughter] 1096 00:41:55,017 --> 00:41:57,016 You see? 1097 00:41:57,017 --> 00:41:59,017 You guys were yelling arm the children. 1098 00:42:04,017 --> 00:42:08,016 That was a social experiment, and you failed miserably. 1099 00:42:08,017 --> 00:42:12,016 You're all level ones again now. 1100 00:42:12,017 --> 00:42:16,017 It's amazing to me how brilliant we are individually, all of us. 1101 00:42:16,435 --> 00:42:24,016 But you get us in a group, we will follow any dumbass idea, 1102 00:42:24,017 --> 00:42:28,016 as long as it's presented well. 1103 00:42:28,017 --> 00:42:32,016 Oh yeah man, yeah. 1104 00:42:32,017 --> 00:42:33,016 [applause] 1105 00:42:33,017 --> 00:42:35,016 Got to go to war with Iraq. 1106 00:42:35,017 --> 00:42:37,017 Arm the children. 1107 00:42:38,017 --> 00:42:41,016 Weapons of mass destruction, arm the children. 1108 00:42:41,017 --> 00:42:43,016 I did not have sex with that Lewinsky woman. 1109 00:42:43,017 --> 00:42:45,016 Arm the children. 1110 00:42:45,017 --> 00:42:47,016 NAFTA is going to bring us 10 million jobs. 1111 00:42:47,017 --> 00:42:49,017 Arm the children. 1112 00:42:52,519 --> 00:42:55,016 You can keep your health care plan if you want. 1113 00:42:55,017 --> 00:42:57,016 Arm the children. 1114 00:42:57,017 --> 00:42:59,017 Don't just clap for that one. 1115 00:43:02,993 --> 00:43:04,492 We need something to believe in. 1116 00:43:04,493 --> 00:43:06,492 Human beings are amazing to me, because we need something. 1117 00:43:06,493 --> 00:43:08,492 We can't just live in the minute. 1118 00:43:08,493 --> 00:43:09,492 We can't. 1119 00:43:09,493 --> 00:43:10,995 Got to need something to believe, 1120 00:43:11,493 --> 00:43:12,492 something to get behind, something to survive. 1121 00:43:12,493 --> 00:43:13,492 And right now, we're so safe in America 1122 00:43:13,493 --> 00:43:15,492 that we had to make up things to survive. 1123 00:43:15,493 --> 00:43:18,492 Do you understand how safe we really are in America that we 1124 00:43:18,493 --> 00:43:20,493 invented stuff to be afraid of? 1125 00:43:21,493 --> 00:43:21,493 AUDIENCE: Yeah. 1126 00:43:21,494 --> 00:43:23,492 9/11. 1127 00:43:23,493 --> 00:43:25,492 AUDIENCE: Oh. 1128 00:43:25,493 --> 00:43:29,492 It's a conspiracy, total conspiracy bro. 1129 00:43:29,493 --> 00:43:30,493 Total conspiracy. 1130 00:43:32,493 --> 00:43:34,493 Aliens, fluoride. 1131 00:43:37,493 --> 00:43:39,492 Do you know how safe we are that somebody 1132 00:43:39,493 --> 00:43:41,492 was brushing his teeth one morning, 1133 00:43:41,493 --> 00:43:46,492 and was like-- holy hell. 1134 00:43:46,493 --> 00:43:48,492 Trying to kill us. 1135 00:43:48,493 --> 00:43:50,492 It's in the water too. 1136 00:43:50,493 --> 00:43:51,493 You know what they say in Africa? 1137 00:43:52,328 --> 00:43:52,493 You have water? 1138 00:43:56,493 --> 00:43:59,493 [laughter] 1139 00:44:00,493 --> 00:44:02,492 Conspiracy's my fav-- I used to be a big conspiracy guy. 1140 00:44:02,493 --> 00:44:05,492 I was up until someone said, New Town was a false flag event. 1141 00:44:05,493 --> 00:44:06,492 And I went, OK. 1142 00:44:06,493 --> 00:44:08,492 New dealer, I'm out. 1143 00:44:08,493 --> 00:44:11,492 My favorite conspiracy of all time is the gun conspiracy. 1144 00:44:11,493 --> 00:44:12,492 That's my favorite one. Yeah. 1145 00:44:12,493 --> 00:44:14,492 Yeah, the black socialist Kenyan president's 1146 00:44:14,493 --> 00:44:15,911 going to take your guns away. 1147 00:44:16,493 --> 00:44:17,492 But before that, it was a redneck from Crawford's 1148 00:44:17,493 --> 00:44:19,492 going to take our guns away. 1149 00:44:19,493 --> 00:44:20,492 And before that, it was that fat guy who's 1150 00:44:20,493 --> 00:44:21,493 getting oral sex in the Oval Office 1151 00:44:22,161 --> 00:44:24,493 is going to take our guns away. 1152 00:44:25,493 --> 00:44:27,492 For you people that actually believe the government is going 1153 00:44:27,493 --> 00:44:30,492 to come for your guns, I am going to make you feel so much 1154 00:44:30,493 --> 00:44:32,492 better in three easy steps. 1155 00:44:32,493 --> 00:44:33,492 Are you ready? 1156 00:44:33,493 --> 00:44:35,492 AUDIENCE: Yeah. 1157 00:44:35,493 --> 00:44:37,492 Step number one, the government can't take your guns, 1158 00:44:37,493 --> 00:44:41,492 because you have guns. 1159 00:44:41,493 --> 00:44:44,492 [laughter] 1160 00:44:44,493 --> 00:44:45,786 Yeah! 1161 00:44:46,493 --> 00:44:48,493 [applause] 1162 00:44:49,493 --> 00:44:51,493 You can use your gun to defend your gun. 1163 00:44:54,493 --> 00:44:56,492 Poof. 1164 00:44:56,493 --> 00:44:59,493 [applause] 1165 00:45:01,493 --> 00:45:02,493 Step two. 1166 00:45:03,493 --> 00:45:04,492 Now, step two is a little scary. 1167 00:45:04,493 --> 00:45:05,492 Step two is where the conspiracy started, 1168 00:45:05,493 --> 00:45:07,492 because when the 2nd announcement was written, 1169 00:45:07,493 --> 00:45:08,492 we had muskets. 1170 00:45:08,493 --> 00:45:09,492 And the government had muskets. 1171 00:45:09,493 --> 00:45:10,492 In fact, the government was in such trouble. 1172 00:45:10,493 --> 00:45:12,492 They were like guys, um, we've got 1173 00:45:12,493 --> 00:45:13,492 to go to war with the British. 1174 00:45:13,493 --> 00:45:16,492 Could you please bring your muskets? 1175 00:45:16,493 --> 00:45:18,493 We are going to give you matching hats. 1176 00:45:21,493 --> 00:45:23,493 Which is all I remember from history class. 1177 00:45:26,493 --> 00:45:28,161 But now, as American citizens, we 1178 00:45:28,493 --> 00:45:29,492 are legally allowed to own Bushmaster 1179 00:45:29,493 --> 00:45:37,492 semi-automatic weapons with 60 and 100 round magazines. 1180 00:45:37,493 --> 00:45:38,492 Hell yeah. 1181 00:45:38,493 --> 00:45:40,492 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 1182 00:45:40,493 --> 00:45:41,492 Whoo! 1183 00:45:41,493 --> 00:45:45,492 My penis does not feel as small as it used to. 1184 00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:49,492 Oh, it's like a Camaro I can hold. 1185 00:45:49,493 --> 00:45:52,493 [laughter] 1186 00:45:53,493 --> 00:45:55,492 But don't forget, the government doesn't have Bushmasters. 1187 00:45:55,493 --> 00:45:59,492 The government has Apache helicopters, 1188 00:45:59,493 --> 00:46:00,492 and U-2 stealth bombers. 1189 00:46:00,493 --> 00:46:01,493 And they have 22 Raptors, and missile launchers, 1190 00:46:02,161 --> 00:46:03,492 and grenade launchers, and service to air missiles, 1191 00:46:03,493 --> 00:46:05,492 and drones, and a bullet they type your name on, 1192 00:46:05,493 --> 00:46:08,492 and it follows you home, and a satellite with a laser that 1193 00:46:08,493 --> 00:46:11,492 will give you a proctology exam from space in your kitchen 1194 00:46:11,493 --> 00:46:15,493 if they want to, tactical nukes, and oops nukes just in case 1195 00:46:16,493 --> 00:46:19,492 shit doesn't go their way. 1196 00:46:19,493 --> 00:46:20,492 Yeah Well, I don't care. 1197 00:46:20,493 --> 00:46:22,492 You tell the government, bring it on. 1198 00:46:22,493 --> 00:46:23,492 You can have this gun when you pry 1199 00:46:23,493 --> 00:46:26,492 it from my cold, dead hands. 1200 00:46:26,493 --> 00:46:28,492 OK. 1201 00:46:28,493 --> 00:46:31,493 [firing mimicry] 1202 00:46:32,493 --> 00:46:32,493 And now, the finale. 1203 00:46:37,493 --> 00:46:39,493 [explosion mimicry] 1204 00:46:42,493 --> 00:46:46,493 [cheering] 1205 00:46:48,493 --> 00:46:48,493 Holy hell! 1206 00:46:49,493 --> 00:46:51,492 They vaporized riggy. 1207 00:46:51,493 --> 00:46:53,492 There ain't nothing left but a burned 1208 00:46:53,493 --> 00:46:56,492 up copy of the Constitution! 1209 00:46:56,493 --> 00:46:57,492 You can still read the Second Amendment 1210 00:46:57,493 --> 00:47:01,493 though, because he's shielding it with his cold, dead hands. 1211 00:47:06,493 --> 00:47:08,492 Step two. 1212 00:47:08,493 --> 00:47:10,493 And step two, just so you know, scares me too. 1213 00:47:11,493 --> 00:47:12,492 Step two is pretty scary. 1214 00:47:12,493 --> 00:47:15,492 But to get to step two, we've got to go through step three, 1215 00:47:15,493 --> 00:47:19,492 which is getting all the states to agree to take our guns away. 1216 00:47:19,493 --> 00:47:22,492 And Texas ain't agreeing to shit. 1217 00:47:22,493 --> 00:47:24,492 [laughter] 1218 00:47:24,493 --> 00:47:26,492 Texas is the only state I've ever 1219 00:47:26,493 --> 00:47:28,492 seen that will vote against its own interest 1220 00:47:28,493 --> 00:47:32,492 because Connecticut likes something. 1221 00:47:32,493 --> 00:47:34,492 (TEXAN ACCENT) Hold on, hold on. 1222 00:47:34,493 --> 00:47:35,492 Them homos are doing it? 1223 00:47:35,493 --> 00:47:37,493 Well, we ain't doing it now. 1224 00:47:42,493 --> 00:47:44,493 [laughter] 1225 00:47:49,493 --> 00:47:52,492 But let's say that happened, led by some weird act 1226 00:47:52,493 --> 00:47:53,492 that all the states agree to take your guns away. 1227 00:47:53,493 --> 00:47:57,492 Then they would have to convince the military, which 1228 00:47:57,493 --> 00:47:59,492 is our sons, and daughters, aunts, uncles, brothers, 1229 00:47:59,493 --> 00:48:03,492 and sisters, our families to go house to house 1230 00:48:03,493 --> 00:48:07,492 and take away 400 million American's guns. 1231 00:48:07,493 --> 00:48:10,493 And that would take a lot of organization. 1232 00:48:13,493 --> 00:48:21,492 And our government can't build a website. 1233 00:48:21,493 --> 00:48:24,493 [cheering] 1234 00:48:27,686 --> 00:48:30,485 I swear to god, my dad was his own alarm clock. 1235 00:48:30,486 --> 00:48:31,486 My father woke up every morning like this. 1236 00:48:32,486 --> 00:48:35,486 [yelling] 1237 00:48:38,029 --> 00:48:39,485 Dad, you OK? 1238 00:48:39,486 --> 00:48:40,485 Yeah, I just got to change brands. 1239 00:48:40,486 --> 00:48:41,486 Ha, ha. 1240 00:48:47,486 --> 00:48:48,485 Man had six heart attacks. 1241 00:48:48,486 --> 00:48:50,485 He had a large heart. 1242 00:48:50,486 --> 00:48:51,485 It's when a giant sack of water forms around your heart. 1243 00:48:51,486 --> 00:48:52,485 Yeah, I always said I had a giant sack. 1244 00:48:52,486 --> 00:48:53,486 Ha, ha, ha. 1245 00:48:57,486 --> 00:48:59,486 Those are my father's actual jokes. 1246 00:49:01,486 --> 00:49:03,485 And because he was such a tough badass, 1247 00:49:03,486 --> 00:49:04,485 we didn't get along very well growing up. 1248 00:49:04,486 --> 00:49:07,485 He didn't believe in coddling the kid at all, you know. 1249 00:49:07,486 --> 00:49:09,485 We used to get in my fist fights growing up, I mean, fistfights. 1250 00:49:09,486 --> 00:49:10,485 I don't understand parents. 1251 00:49:10,486 --> 00:49:11,486 I really don't. 1252 00:49:12,486 --> 00:49:13,485 I have two kids now, and I don't quite get this. 1253 00:49:13,486 --> 00:49:14,485 You know, Jonathan, you're acting up. 1254 00:49:14,486 --> 00:49:16,485 Let's go see a therapist. 1255 00:49:16,486 --> 00:49:18,485 If I got mad at my dad when I was a kid 1256 00:49:18,486 --> 00:49:19,485 and really got like in a tantrum, 1257 00:49:19,486 --> 00:49:22,485 I just woke up two days later not mad anymore. 1258 00:49:22,486 --> 00:49:25,486 [laughter] 1259 00:49:26,486 --> 00:49:27,485 And we used to get in fist fights 1260 00:49:27,486 --> 00:49:28,485 growing up man and brawls. 1261 00:49:28,486 --> 00:49:30,485 But the one place we always got along 1262 00:49:30,486 --> 00:49:31,485 was the Oakland Road Show. 1263 00:49:31,486 --> 00:49:32,485 We're big car guys. 1264 00:49:32,486 --> 00:49:33,486 We'd go to the big car show they had up in Oakland. 1265 00:49:34,486 --> 00:49:35,485 It's actually in LA now. 1266 00:49:35,486 --> 00:49:36,485 But we'd go to Oakland. We'd go every year. 1267 00:49:36,486 --> 00:49:38,485 And we went from when I was five until I was a grown man. 1268 00:49:38,486 --> 00:49:39,485 And once we walked through those doors, 1269 00:49:39,486 --> 00:49:41,485 it didn't matter how bad my grades were 1270 00:49:41,486 --> 00:49:43,485 or what a drunk idiot he was being. 1271 00:49:43,486 --> 00:49:44,485 The second we went through there, 1272 00:49:44,486 --> 00:49:47,485 it was just father and son, as close as we ever were. 1273 00:49:47,486 --> 00:49:50,485 And as I became older and you know, grew to a man, 1274 00:49:50,486 --> 00:49:55,485 we started sharing real intimate details about our lives. 1275 00:49:55,486 --> 00:49:59,485 And sometimes, when you're that close to somebody, 1276 00:49:59,486 --> 00:50:03,485 you wish they had someone else they were that close to. 1277 00:50:03,486 --> 00:50:06,485 [laughter] 1278 00:50:06,486 --> 00:50:10,485 Because there were some things I didn't need to hear. 1279 00:50:10,486 --> 00:50:12,485 Now, there's going to be an age where I'll 1280 00:50:12,486 --> 00:50:14,486 get to either we don't care what we say anymore 1281 00:50:15,486 --> 00:50:17,486 or you forget sound travels. 1282 00:50:20,486 --> 00:50:23,485 My father and I are in the Oakland Colosseum one day, 1283 00:50:23,486 --> 00:50:25,485 the convention part at the Oakland Road Show, 1284 00:50:25,486 --> 00:50:26,485 just walking through it. Just walking through it. 1285 00:50:26,486 --> 00:50:28,485 I'm a grown man, we're just walking through the thing. 1286 00:50:28,486 --> 00:50:29,485 And my dad just blurts this out. 1287 00:50:29,486 --> 00:50:32,485 Ah, can't get hard anymore. 1288 00:50:32,486 --> 00:50:36,486 [laughter] 1289 00:50:42,486 --> 00:50:43,486 What do you want me to do? 1290 00:50:47,486 --> 00:50:49,485 And here? 1291 00:50:49,486 --> 00:50:50,485 You get, no, no, no. 1292 00:50:50,486 --> 00:50:51,485 My sixth wife likes a lot of sex, 1293 00:50:51,486 --> 00:50:52,485 likes a lot of different positions. 1294 00:50:52,486 --> 00:50:53,486 You can put her ankle behind her head. 1295 00:50:54,486 --> 00:50:56,485 Dad, stop talking, please. 1296 00:50:56,486 --> 00:50:56,486 You're 53. 1297 00:50:57,279 --> 00:50:58,485 She 60. 1298 00:50:58,486 --> 00:51:01,485 That's two old people doing it, and one of them's my father. 1299 00:51:01,486 --> 00:51:04,486 And when you tell that story, people get cancer. 1300 00:51:05,486 --> 00:51:07,486 [laughter] 1301 00:51:09,486 --> 00:51:10,485 And he goes, well, they've got this new drug. 1302 00:51:10,486 --> 00:51:11,485 It's for Viagra that came out in a pill. 1303 00:51:11,486 --> 00:51:13,485 You've got this new drug, except it comes in liquid form. 1304 00:51:13,486 --> 00:51:14,485 You've got to fill up the syringe. 1305 00:51:14,486 --> 00:51:15,485 And you've got to take the syringe. 1306 00:51:15,486 --> 00:51:18,485 And you've got to shoot it-- no! 1307 00:51:18,486 --> 00:51:19,485 No! 1308 00:51:19,486 --> 00:51:22,486 [vomiting sounds] 1309 00:51:25,486 --> 00:51:26,485 Let me tell you what happened. 1310 00:51:26,486 --> 00:51:31,485 Oh, no-- now, I can't get hard anymore. 1311 00:51:31,486 --> 00:51:33,486 Ugh. 1312 00:51:34,486 --> 00:51:36,485 [hurling sounds] 1313 00:51:36,486 --> 00:51:38,485 Knock it off. 1314 00:51:38,486 --> 00:51:39,485 Let me tell you-- I don't want to know anymore, dad. 1315 00:51:39,486 --> 00:51:40,485 We're good. 1316 00:51:40,486 --> 00:51:42,485 Let me tell you. 1317 00:51:42,486 --> 00:51:43,485 No, I'm not listening to this story, dad. 1318 00:51:43,486 --> 00:51:45,485 Oh my god. 1319 00:51:45,486 --> 00:51:47,485 It's the sickest thing I've ever heard in my life. 1320 00:51:47,486 --> 00:51:48,485 I'm looking at cars. 1321 00:51:48,486 --> 00:51:49,485 Let me tell you-- no. 1322 00:51:49,486 --> 00:51:50,485 And I walk away from him. 1323 00:51:50,486 --> 00:51:51,485 I'm a grown man. 1324 00:51:51,486 --> 00:51:52,485 I don't need to take this. 1325 00:51:52,486 --> 00:51:53,485 I turn, and I'm walking. 1326 00:51:53,486 --> 00:51:54,485 I'm just like la, la. 1327 00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:55,485 I walk with my father. 1328 00:51:55,486 --> 00:51:58,485 I get 25 feet away from my father. 1329 00:51:58,486 --> 00:52:02,485 And in the Oakland Convention Center, my father goes, 1330 00:52:02,486 --> 00:52:04,279 you've got to shoot it into your dick. 1331 00:52:04,486 --> 00:52:05,485 What? 1332 00:52:05,486 --> 00:52:08,486 [laughter] 1333 00:52:18,486 --> 00:52:22,485 You see the people, right? 1334 00:52:22,486 --> 00:52:23,485 What, they got dicks too. 1335 00:52:23,486 --> 00:52:29,485 Dad-- and then my father says something that will forever 1336 00:52:29,486 --> 00:52:30,485 be burned into my brain. 1337 00:52:30,486 --> 00:52:33,485 He says, first time I used it, which means there 1338 00:52:33,486 --> 00:52:40,485 was a second time, at least. 1339 00:52:40,486 --> 00:52:42,485 (DEEP VOICE) First time I used it, 1340 00:52:42,486 --> 00:52:44,485 I didn't have my reading glasses. 1341 00:52:44,486 --> 00:52:47,485 AUDIENCE: Oh. 1342 00:52:47,486 --> 00:52:51,486 [laughter] 1343 00:52:53,486 --> 00:52:57,485 And now, I have to hear the story I don't want to hear. 1344 00:52:57,486 --> 00:52:59,485 And he goes, I didn't have my reading glasses. 1345 00:52:59,486 --> 00:53:03,485 And the prescription bottle said use 1 cc. 1346 00:53:03,486 --> 00:53:05,486 But I thought it said used 10 cc's. 1347 00:53:08,154 --> 00:53:11,485 And I start to horror laugh like you guys just did. 1348 00:53:11,486 --> 00:53:14,485 A horror laugh is defined as something horrible 1349 00:53:14,486 --> 00:53:16,486 happens to somebody else. 1350 00:53:20,486 --> 00:53:22,486 But to hide your guilt for laughing, you go, ha, ha. 1351 00:53:23,486 --> 00:53:24,485 Oh. 1352 00:53:24,486 --> 00:53:25,485 Oh. 1353 00:53:25,486 --> 00:53:26,485 No. 1354 00:53:26,486 --> 00:53:27,486 Oh. 1355 00:53:29,486 --> 00:53:31,485 We've all done it. 1356 00:53:31,486 --> 00:53:32,485 You see a four-year-old slam into a kitchen cabinet 1357 00:53:32,486 --> 00:53:32,821 full speed. 1358 00:53:33,486 --> 00:53:33,486 Ha, ha, ha. 1359 00:53:33,487 --> 00:53:34,485 Aw, come here. 1360 00:53:34,486 --> 00:53:35,485 Come here, come here. 1361 00:53:35,486 --> 00:53:36,486 We've all done it. 1362 00:53:40,486 --> 00:53:40,486 Horror laugh. 1363 00:53:44,486 --> 00:53:48,485 So he goes, I fill up the syringe, and I shot it in. 1364 00:53:48,486 --> 00:53:50,485 Ha-- yeah. 1365 00:53:50,486 --> 00:53:51,486 Let me ask you guys something. 1366 00:53:54,486 --> 00:53:56,485 How much do you think you really like sex? 1367 00:53:56,486 --> 00:53:58,486 Because I think my dad just set the bar. 1368 00:54:02,486 --> 00:54:04,485 And I'm going to quote my father from hereon. 1369 00:54:04,486 --> 00:54:06,485 He goes, I shot it in. 1370 00:54:06,486 --> 00:54:09,485 And in about 11 minutes, everything 1371 00:54:09,486 --> 00:54:11,486 started pulling so hard. 1372 00:54:15,486 --> 00:54:18,485 It felt like someone had unzipped my anus. 1373 00:54:18,486 --> 00:54:22,486 [laughter] 1374 00:54:30,486 --> 00:54:34,485 And as I could be no more offended, he goes, 1375 00:54:34,486 --> 00:54:39,486 five hours later, it turned black. 1376 00:54:43,486 --> 00:54:45,486 And not in the good way. 1377 00:54:48,283 --> 00:54:49,282 My dad died. It was weird. 1378 00:54:49,283 --> 00:54:50,282 It was weird. 1379 00:54:50,283 --> 00:54:51,282 My dad, my dad dying taught me a lot about funerals. 1380 00:54:51,283 --> 00:54:53,282 Number one, you're all invited to my funeral, 1381 00:54:53,283 --> 00:54:56,282 because it's going to be open bar anyway. 1382 00:54:56,283 --> 00:55:00,282 But we're going to be old, so there'll be a lot of vermouth. 1383 00:55:00,283 --> 00:55:02,282 And I don't know what that is, but it's 1384 00:55:02,283 --> 00:55:03,282 like crack to old people. 1385 00:55:03,283 --> 00:55:04,283 That's all I know. 1386 00:55:07,283 --> 00:55:09,282 My dad's funeral was weird. 1387 00:55:09,283 --> 00:55:10,282 There was uh, first of all, it was packed, 250 people. 1388 00:55:10,283 --> 00:55:14,282 There was three rows of women that he had slept with. 1389 00:55:14,283 --> 00:55:16,282 I'm not exaggerating, because they went to this Parents 1390 00:55:16,283 --> 00:55:18,282 Without Partners thing. 1391 00:55:18,283 --> 00:55:19,282 And they sat together in this weird row thing. 1392 00:55:19,283 --> 00:55:21,282 And they were being nice to each other. 1393 00:55:21,283 --> 00:55:22,282 Oh, it's so good to see you. 1394 00:55:22,283 --> 00:55:24,282 I know, it's horrible, isn't it? 1395 00:55:24,283 --> 00:55:25,282 So guys, if you want all the women 1396 00:55:25,283 --> 00:55:30,282 in your life to get along, die. 1397 00:55:30,283 --> 00:55:31,283 Turns out, we are the problem. 1398 00:55:36,283 --> 00:55:38,282 We had an open casket, which I don't understand 1399 00:55:38,283 --> 00:55:39,282 how the open casket happened. 1400 00:55:39,283 --> 00:55:40,282 Did someone just walk into a funeral 1401 00:55:40,283 --> 00:55:43,282 and go, how do we make this more horrifying? 1402 00:55:43,283 --> 00:55:45,282 Hey, I got it. 1403 00:55:45,283 --> 00:55:46,282 Why don't we prop them up, made them look like he 1404 00:55:46,283 --> 00:55:47,282 was sleeping and screaming? 1405 00:55:47,283 --> 00:55:48,283 Ah. 1406 00:55:54,283 --> 00:55:56,282 But I've decided that nobody is going 1407 00:55:56,283 --> 00:55:59,282 to speak at my funeral, nobody. 1408 00:55:59,283 --> 00:56:01,283 Because my family eulogies are just alibis. 1409 00:56:05,283 --> 00:56:08,283 Nobody's doing the eulogy-- no-- nobody is doing the eulogy 1410 00:56:09,283 --> 00:56:10,035 at my funeral, nobody. 1411 00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:10,283 I'm going to do my own eulogy. 1412 00:56:11,283 --> 00:56:13,282 I'm going to pretape it. 1413 00:56:13,283 --> 00:56:17,282 I'm going to do a, a me-logy. 1414 00:56:17,283 --> 00:56:19,282 [laughter] 1415 00:56:19,283 --> 00:56:20,283 Yeah. 1416 00:56:23,283 --> 00:56:25,282 You guys will show up, you know, you know, get a little, 1417 00:56:25,283 --> 00:56:27,282 get a little vermouth in you, crank it down, 1418 00:56:27,283 --> 00:56:30,282 you know, park your Jazzys and your Rascals. 1419 00:56:30,283 --> 00:56:33,283 [laughter] 1420 00:56:34,283 --> 00:56:35,282 Sit down, and they'll just run the tape. 1421 00:56:35,283 --> 00:56:40,282 Hi everybody, I'm dead! 1422 00:56:40,283 --> 00:56:43,282 I know you can see in the box over there. 1423 00:56:43,283 --> 00:56:45,282 I'm not sure if it's opened or closed, because I 1424 00:56:45,283 --> 00:56:48,282 had two different plans. 1425 00:56:48,283 --> 00:56:53,282 If it's open, that means I went with plan A, which 1426 00:56:53,283 --> 00:56:55,282 is do a lot of prescription medication 1427 00:56:55,283 --> 00:57:05,282 and some peyote, a whole brick, and just trip my ass off 1428 00:57:05,283 --> 00:57:08,282 probably somewhere nice. 1429 00:57:08,283 --> 00:57:15,282 If it's closed, then that means I went with plan 2, which was 1430 00:57:15,283 --> 00:57:18,282 jump out of my airplane with a backpack full of laundry 1431 00:57:18,283 --> 00:57:23,282 and camping gear just so when I pull that rip chord, 1432 00:57:23,283 --> 00:57:27,282 I can watch the drum master have an aneurysm. 1433 00:57:27,283 --> 00:57:29,282 So know if it's closed, I laughed 1434 00:57:29,283 --> 00:57:31,283 my ass off the whole way down. 1435 00:57:35,283 --> 00:57:39,282 And I like to speak to everybody from my personal life. 1436 00:57:39,283 --> 00:57:44,283 To my first wife, I want you to know-- 1437 00:57:44,826 --> 00:57:47,283 [laughter] 1438 00:57:48,283 --> 00:57:53,282 Ah, I, I think I tore my damn rotator cuff. 1439 00:57:53,283 --> 00:57:55,282 Don't matter. 1440 00:57:55,283 --> 00:57:57,283 To my second wife, you, you were everything to me. 1441 00:57:58,283 --> 00:58:00,282 You were tall, beautiful, smart, funny. 1442 00:58:00,283 --> 00:58:02,282 You, you were my dream, and you really 1443 00:58:02,283 --> 00:58:05,282 loved me like no one ever did. 1444 00:58:05,283 --> 00:58:10,282 You, you were my soul-- sorry I cheated 1445 00:58:10,283 --> 00:58:11,283 on you with those strippers. 1446 00:58:13,283 --> 00:58:19,283 To my third and fourth wives, we gave it a shot. 1447 00:58:22,283 --> 00:58:26,282 Everybody else, never marry strippers. 1448 00:58:26,283 --> 00:58:28,283 [laughter] 1449 00:58:29,283 --> 00:58:32,282 My fifth wife-- I guess I can tell you now. 1450 00:58:32,283 --> 00:58:35,282 I, I killed her. 1451 00:58:35,283 --> 00:58:37,283 [laughter] 1452 00:58:38,283 --> 00:58:41,282 She was horrible! 1453 00:58:41,283 --> 00:58:43,282 So much worse than my first wife, god. 1454 00:58:43,283 --> 00:58:46,282 I would've gladly choked that bitch out 1455 00:58:46,283 --> 00:58:48,282 in front of a police station! 1456 00:58:48,283 --> 00:58:51,283 [laughter] 1457 00:58:53,283 --> 00:58:55,282 And I, I, I knew I was going to jail, 1458 00:58:55,283 --> 00:58:58,282 and I didn't give a flying flip! 1459 00:58:58,283 --> 00:59:02,282 But it turns out, the world ain't like CSI at all. 1460 00:59:02,283 --> 00:59:06,282 [laughter] Everybody just said, we're 1461 00:59:06,283 --> 00:59:08,283 so sorry about their accident. 1462 00:59:11,283 --> 00:59:13,283 Although, Ray Rice gave me a high five. 1463 00:59:16,283 --> 00:59:18,283 [laughter] 1464 00:59:19,283 --> 00:59:20,283 And Chris Brown patted me on my butt. 1465 00:59:20,659 --> 00:59:21,283 That was it. 1466 00:59:25,283 --> 00:59:28,282 [manic laughter] 1467 00:59:28,283 --> 00:59:30,282 To everybody that used to come to my shows, 1468 00:59:30,283 --> 00:59:32,282 I will never forget my last show. 1469 00:59:32,283 --> 00:59:37,282 83,000 people at the meadowland, sold-out. 1470 00:59:37,283 --> 00:59:40,282 It wasn't like that weird ass politically correct 1471 00:59:40,283 --> 00:59:42,282 theater in Santa Barbara. 1472 00:59:42,283 --> 00:59:43,283 [laughter] 1473 00:59:49,283 --> 00:59:51,282 But I'll never forget that show. 1474 00:59:51,283 --> 00:59:53,282 I, and I knew I was getting near the end, 1475 00:59:53,283 --> 00:59:57,282 because my bowels had started making their own decisions. 1476 00:59:57,283 --> 01:00:00,282 You know it's time to write that final check 1477 01:00:00,283 --> 01:00:03,282 when your colon goes rogue. 1478 01:00:03,283 --> 01:00:06,160 [laughter] 1479 01:00:06,283 --> 01:00:07,283 Ha, ha, ha. 1480 01:00:08,283 --> 01:00:09,282 But I remember on the stage. 1481 01:00:09,283 --> 01:00:12,282 And for a second, I looked out, and I 1482 01:00:12,283 --> 01:00:14,282 see 83,000 laughing faces. 1483 01:00:14,283 --> 01:00:17,282 And my, my loved ones were standing 1484 01:00:17,283 --> 01:00:18,282 in the wings, and my grandkids. 1485 01:00:18,283 --> 01:00:21,282 And I remember thinking, oh, this is what it is. 1486 01:00:21,283 --> 01:00:25,282 That's what it's about, all those TV shows I didn't 1487 01:00:25,283 --> 01:00:28,282 do, and movies I didn't get. 1488 01:00:28,283 --> 01:00:30,826 God damn you Adam Sandler! 1489 01:00:31,283 --> 01:00:33,283 [laughter] 1490 01:00:38,283 --> 01:00:41,282 It didn't matter, because most of my life, 1491 01:00:41,283 --> 01:00:45,282 I got to walk on stage and say what I wanted, how I wanted, 1492 01:00:45,283 --> 01:00:47,282 and they gave me money. 1493 01:00:47,283 --> 01:00:51,283 [cheering] 1494 01:00:54,283 --> 01:01:00,283 And even on its worst night, it was always chicken. 1495 01:01:04,283 --> 01:01:05,283 Yeah. 1496 01:01:05,868 --> 01:01:08,282 That audience was always my favorite. 1497 01:01:08,283 --> 01:01:10,282 Don't lie. 1498 01:01:10,283 --> 01:01:14,282 And it was a pleasure eating them. 1499 01:01:14,283 --> 01:01:18,282 I, I, I know that sounds sexual, I know. 1500 01:01:18,283 --> 01:01:20,283 In a nasty way, I intended it! 1501 01:01:24,283 --> 01:01:26,283 [laughing] 1502 01:01:27,283 --> 01:01:33,282 To everybody who voted for me in my 2028 presidential bid, 1503 01:01:33,283 --> 01:01:35,282 I apologize. 1504 01:01:35,283 --> 01:01:37,282 How could we know arm the children 1505 01:01:37,283 --> 01:01:40,282 would go so horribly wrong? 1506 01:01:40,283 --> 01:01:44,283 [cheering] 1507 01:01:45,283 --> 01:01:48,282 Thank you very much, Santa Barbara. 1508 01:01:48,283 --> 01:01:50,282 You guys were phenomenal. 1509 01:01:50,283 --> 01:01:51,282 Thank you. 1510 01:01:51,283 --> 01:01:54,282 With my heart, I love you, guys! 1511 01:01:54,283 --> 01:01:58,282 Thank you so, so, so much. 1512 01:01:58,283 --> 01:02:00,282 I love this town. 1513 01:02:00,283 --> 01:02:03,282 California, my favorite place in the world. 1514 01:02:03,283 --> 01:02:04,283 Good night, everybody! 1515 01:02:04,576 --> 01:02:07,282 Thank you! 1516 01:02:07,283 --> 01:02:09,282 Peace! 1517 01:02:09,283 --> 01:02:10,782 Thank you guys. 1518 01:02:15,729 --> 01:02:16,728 Made my night. 1519 01:02:16,729 --> 01:02:17,729 Thanks, guys. 109642