Original subtitles

Barbecue, it's freezing.

Because four days ago it was really hot.

Come on, this is fun, all right? Let's play a drinking game. Okay, I'll start.

Never have I ever kissed two boys on the same night.

Guilty.

Me next.

Never have I ever accidentally booked a neo -Nazi to headline a music festival

for three nights without a backup plan.

No, you said you wouldn't freeze.

Okay, okay, okay.

Never have I ever been friends with Jeffrey Epstein.

Is that Melania Trump?

I said, never have I ever been friends with billionaire pedophile Jeffrey

Epstein.

What are you doing in a garden in Croydon?

I am here to stop you nuts.

people spreading rumors about me.

We weren't doing that. We weren't even talking about you.

Are you okay?

Of course not.

Now, let's play... Let's play a new game.

Okay, truth or dare? Oh, my go.

How dare you accuse me of female friendship with short -haired sex

Ghislaine Maxwell.

Yeah, like, your husband literally started a war to detract us from it. It

kind of working, to be fair to the lads.

New game, charades. I'll go first.

Is it the actually in files?

Yes.

And, oh, look, I am not in them.

God, this area has changed so much since they opened that gale.

Look, it was really nice meeting you, but we're going to go back inside.

Good idea.

Let's go inside. Not you.

You're making it weird.

I beg for one last chance.

I have no friends, since they all randomly died in a maximum security

Fine, but this is legit your last chance, diva. Okay, okay, final game.

Do truth and lie.

I love my new friends.

I like poor people.

excited to be your host tonight and can i start by saying what an amazing series

it has already been week

one they had snl royalty week two they had

an international sex symbol week three an academy award winner and this week

guys get the star of clifford the big red dog

now uk i love that do you know what else i love i love that finally we've taken

one of their shows right yeah america's had enough of us yeah they had the

office the bake -off uh they had that one uh the reality show my fiance loves

the one where they follow the dating lives of people with learning

love island love island

hosting this but you know what it's not even the biggest thing that's going on

in my life right now because next week i am genuinely getting married thank you

yeah i really shouldn't be here i am the groom though that's very much a

ceremonial role i just am there to nod everything through it has been noted the

other day my fiance turned to me she went jack in one of those meetings with

wedding planners when they were talking to you it was literally like they were

talking to a wall

I was thinking, yeah, a wall with a cash machine in it.

It is honestly out of control. The flowers, the canapes, the band. We only

and booked bloody Scott Mills as the wedding DJ.

Not seeing that deposit again.

Everything has to be bespoke as well. Bespoke, that is a word right now that

makes my sphincter clench.

She insisted on having bespoke invitations, right? These ridiculous

was like on a fold -out booklet, handwritten in quill by a blind

monk. Bits of parchment paper that had been ripped out the back of the Magna

Carta, sealed with a gold ribbon and delivered to all of our guests via

They asked me what I wanted for invitations. I said, what is wrong with

WhatsApp group?

Simple, efficient, easy to kick anyone off if they ask to bring a child.

Nope. Had to fork out for a calligrapher instead.

A calligrapher. How is that still even a thing?

Every day I read about how AI is coming for our jobs. How has it not come for

the calligraphers already?

How is a calligrapher affording his mortgage in 2026?

Oh, I'll tell you how. This schmuck here.

Really gone for the calligraphy community tonight.

You can already see it. I'm going to get a load of angry letters.

in beautiful handwriting we over invited as well the other

day she turned to me and said oh jack you know sometimes i wish that it could

just be me and you you couldn't have mentioned that before where was this

attitude six months ago i don't want to see any of these people i've spent the

last two months praying for another pandemic

Thankfully, though, I did save a little bit of money on the honeymoon.

Oh, yeah, she wanted to go on a romantic cruise.

I got an unbelievable deal on two -week narrowboating down the Straits of

Hormuz.

Bargain and a free fireworks display every night.

Honestly, though, it's like planning a royal wedding, literally, in that the

whole thing could be ruined if my uncle turns up.

We're doing that as well at the moment, the seating plan. That's very stressful,

right? I don't want to be too indiscreet, but we've got these two

right, and they slept together, like, years ago, and now they do not talk.

I know, awkward.

I was like, surely we put them at opposite ends of the marquee, but my

insisting that my mum and dad sit together. I know.

So nice to be it's so nice to be in this evening as well to have a little bit of

a distraction.

Thank you because I'm gonna let you into a little secret tonight is also

the night that my fiance is on a hen do I'm here with you cracking gag.

She is currently in Soho getting dry hump. I want a magic mic Technically

is kind of my second side

on this evening, guys. Stick around for some hilarious sketches and music from

the amazing Georgia Smith!

Gary is still the highest

scoring striker ever to play for Albion, and he owes a lot to the first man ever

to teach him to kick a ball, his old school teacher, Ted Bagley.

He probably won't recognize me because he won't believe it's me.

Hello, Gary.

Long time no see.

Mr. Buggy.

You're alive.

I'm alive, he says.

How are you doing?

Someone said you were dead.

I'm so glad.

How well you've done for yourself.

You're so supportive.

You kind of like have me as kind of like your special guy.

Hello, Gary.

Mrs. Todd?

Where was the Houston?

Well, not as sprightly as it used to be, but still going.

Truth be told, I was only his substitute French teacher for a couple of weeks

when Monsieur Durand was helping the police with their inquiries. But we're

so proud of Gary.

Hello,

Gary, son.

Dead? No, how do you know? Definitely dead.

Not yet, boy.

That's all you learned into the grant.

No, man, I was never in there.

I left his mother, and we agreed it were better he thought I was dead.

I'd only moved two streets over.

Hello,

Gary.

My God!

This is the jogger I hit on that misty country lane.

But I finished it off with a brick before I fled the thing.

They ended up picking a metal plate in me bunt.

I can't believe it.

I love that free kick you scored against Watford.

Harambe.

Dobby.

Let's score goals and have them score no goals.

Right, hey, guys. Hey, guys, I'm just bringing in your mascots for the day.

these are our lucky competition winners. Say hello to the boys.

Hello. Yeah.

All right, now, once you've walked out there and said hello to the big crowd,

I'll take you to Mum and Dad, OK?

Thanks, lads. You doing this, it really makes some of these kids stay. All

right. All right, lads, let's do this. Let's go!

Hey, guys, quick question before we go out.

Yes, Jonesy?

Does anyone want to swap kids?

What do you mean, swap kids?

Well, like, one of you guys walks out with my kid and I walk out with one of

your kids.

I don't like my one.

I mean, what's wrong with your one?

Well, look, something's off about it.

They're just kids, man. Let's get out there and play.

Yeah. Yeah, but that's the thing, though. I feel like if I walk out there

this one, I'm going to play badly.

That's ridiculous.

Who cares what kid you walk out with, man? Well, if you don't care, why don't

swap? No -one's swapping keys.

That's easy for you to say. You got a good one.

Leave it!

This is the derby. No distractions.

Yeah, but no distractions.

This is so unfair.

Last week, when we played Fulham, I got the worst one then, too, but I didn't

say anything.

And then I played really badly, so this time I'm speaking up.

Maybe we should just swap out of kids.

Are you serious?

Just do it, Woodsy, so we can get out of there.

Fine, but just so you know, this is ridiculous.

There,

happy?

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

Okay, ready, lads? We're ready, let's go!

Actually, no.

What? This one's worse.

Are you serious right now?

Yeah. I'm going to be honest, now that I've got this one, I'm getting big

adolescence vibes.

Couldn't tell from far away.

All right, well, I'm not swapping back, if that's what you're asking.

Yeah, of course you don't want to swap back. You tricked me into accepting an

absolute stinker and got away with it.

Well, that's your problem, isn't it? Hang on, bro. Did you willingly swap

knowing your one was worse than Jonesy's?

That's not on.

Yeah, not cool, Woodsy. All right, so what have I did? I'm the captain. I

at the front. I should get one of the best kids.

This is getting toxic. We need a random reshuffle of the kids.

And that's big of me to suggest, considering I've probably got the best

had all season. What are you talking about? You always get the good ones. I

always get the bad kids.

That's not true.

Guys, we had a good system when I was at Burnley. We wrote each kid on a piece

of paper and pulled them from a hat. But if you got man of the match the week

before and you weren't happy with your first kids, you were allowed for one to

redraw.

It sounds alright.

Guys, listen to yourselves.

This might sound crazy, but why don't we ask the kids who they want to go with?

They might have a favourite player.

Could really make their day.

I vote for the Burnley system.

Right, Burnley system it is.

I'll get a hat. Start the game without me.

Welcome to Mastermind with me, Clive Myrie.

I'm so good I can host quiz shows, but Stephen Mulhern could never read the

news.

Let's welcome our first contender.

Your name?

Ben Michael.

Your occupation?

Something in IT.

And your specialist subject?

Things my mum has told me about people I've never met and have no connection

That's right, your mum Sue is a glorious gossiper who seems to know everything

about everyone.

In two minutes, your time starts now.

Who recently had a tyre stolen off their caravan whilst holidaying in Dorset?

Peggy and Len.

Yes, why does Linda from Pilates have an extra wheelie bin? She got a free one

by pretending to be a registered childminder.

Yes, whilst travelling by train, who did your second cousin Monica's driving

instructor think they saw?

Nick Knowles.

Yes, and for a bonus point, what was he eating?

Chicken from his jacket pocket.

Yes, in 2012, your mum's podiatrist, Helen, caught an eye infection from what

white liquid?

Out -of -date sun cream?

No, no, no, no, mayonnaise.

Why didn't Frank come to the pub last Friday?

Because his gout flare -up means he currently can't wear shoes.

Yes, what's this?

Oh, I know this. What is that? That is Lin's post -op scar.

No, Joe from number 17's brand new patio. I knew that. Who died last week?

Gillian of Gary and Gillian, who they met on a cruise 23 years ago.

Yes, and for a bonus point, what from?

Oh, Mum did tell me that.

Sorry, pass.

What noise has Marion Martin's air fryer started making?

No, it's... On Tuesday, what piece of information

did your mum tell you not to put on the internet?

That Pat has a new gait. Yes.

Why is Raoul the tree surgeon divorcing his wife?

Because she cheated on him.

I need you to be more specific.

With a very tall woman.

I'll accept that.

In what chain restaurant did Fiona's daughter get engaged?

Uh, Las Iguanas?

No, Turtle Bay.

Whose hair transplant hasn't taken?

Uh, Angela from next door's brother -in -law's husband's plumber's sister's

friend, Gary Fulcher.

Hey, that's me.

Yes, according to her doctor, I've started so I'll finish, who has a rare

glandular condition that makes her sweat smell exactly like gravy.

Angie from the co -op.

Yeah. Yes, Ben, at the end of that round, you have ten points and one pass.

answer was, of course, she was kicked to death by a horse.

Sorry, I was scrolling when she told me I should have paid attention.

That's why you must always listen to Mummy.

Thank you. Our next contender, please.

Your name?

Holly Holton.

Your occupation?

Something else in IT.

And your specialist subject?

Life -changing texts my dad has replied to with the thumbs -up emoji.

Dad, I'm going to art school.

What's that got to do with World War II?

Struggling to connect with your dad.

You're not alone.

Dads are scientifically proven to be amongst the hardest parents to connect

with. They're the trained Wi -Fi of people.

But have you ever wondered if maybe you've just got the wrong one?

Introducing DadSwap.

Using an advanced algorithm, DadSwap takes your hobbies and passions and

you with a brand new dad.

Bonjour, new son!

while re -homing your dad with someone more his speed.

My dad didn't know how to raise a girl, but Steve does.

Don't you, Steve?

I'm a girl dad now.

I'm a punk rocker, but all my boring old dad wanted to talk about was Bossa

Nova. Thanks to DadSwap, I found the punk daddy just for me.

My dad always struggled to accept my sexuality.

But now, thanks to DadSwap, I have a gay dad who has all the same hobbies as me.

One thing we didn't think about was how easy it would be to develop romantic

feelings for your new dad.

We both like to paint.

We've got so much to talk about.

And now, we're engaged.

I mean, they're both adults.

They're not related, so...

Technically, it is allowed.

It's not just gay dads.

I'm also dating my new dad.

It's not illegal.

I know. I said it's technically allowed.

But I'm saying I do not endorse this use of the app.

I do understand how this has happened, obviously.

A man has just moved into your house.

You're both emotionally vulnerable. He's got all the same hobbies as you. He's

just left his wife. You're spending more and more time together.

I've invested so much money in this app.

I have absolutely f***ed it.

I downloaded DadSwap and traded my dad for a guy my own age.

That's not a dad.

That's a boyfriend.

There's other apps for doing that. This one is for swapping dad.

DadSwap. If it happens, it happens.

It's not legal. I know.

Here we are on the

18th hole.

You could cut the tension with a knife.

We're not whispering.

This is just as loud as our voices can go.

You're joining us at the Masters. We're at the end of a marathon playoff.

between Ian Connor and Sven Nielsen.

And Ian Connor is just one part away from his first Masters title.

Here it goes.

And he's finally done it. Look how much it means to him. Amazing.

And here comes his wife.

Oh, look at the emotion.

Oh, and a lovely little kiss there.

Beautiful scene.

Here comes his trusty caddy, Bruce Atkins. They've been together for years.

Lovely. And oh, looks like they're sharing a little kiss as well.

Fantastic scene.

Oh, and here's Sven Nielsen, his opponent. He fought so valiantly today,

competitor. Big handshake there. What a gentleman. Oh, yeah, that's a solid kiss

for him too. What sportsmanship.

Amazing scenes. And here comes Sven's wife.

Oh, yeah, it looks like she's sharing a little kiss with Ian too.

And now Ian's wife is stepping back onto the green. And Steve, what, yeah, she's

sharing a little kid with her husband's opponent.

But will the wife go in for a kid too? Yeah, oh, oh, they will. Yeah, and now

they're, oh, yeah, they're all sharing little kids with each other.

This is what golf is all about.

Let's see, this here here is electric.

Oh, and what's happening now is that, yeah, it looks like they're all swapping

keys. Wow.

That's a big step for any polycule.

Some might say they're moving too fast, but the crowd are loving it.

Incredible scenes here on the 18th green.

And, oh, yeah, it looks like they're taking part in a commitment ceremony,

promising to treat each other with respect and always maintain open

communication.

What a weekend of golf this is turning out to be.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Oh, and what's happening now?

I think that, yeah, they have. They've ordered a super king -sized mattress

they can all sweep on together.

That's the biggest mattress size you can get. Amazing scene. Yeah, and you have

to assume they're going to go for the classic arrangement.

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

Absolutely.

They're watching Masters at work. Then they're signing for the package.

Oh, yeah, now he's giving the delivery guy a little kiss.

Oh, here come the wives.

They're sharing a little kiss with the delivery driver too.

But, whoa, it looks like there's no little kiss for Ian.

Unprecedented scene.

Oh, it looks like now the other three members are explaining to Ian that he's

being replaced in the polycule by the delivery guy.

Golf can be such a cruel sport.

It truly can.

It truly, truly can.

And, oh, what's this? It looks like Ian's taking his phone out. I think

yep, he's getting back on the app.

Yeah, he's looking for some rebound sex.

And can you blame him after the day he's had? First he bogeyed the fifth hole,

then he opened up his marriage and ruined his life.

What's this?

Looks like he found a match. You're right. Is that... It is. It's Bruce

His old shabby.

Amazing. Those two have so much history together.

But finally they can consummate their unspoken love.

What a date.

What a day of golf we have witnessed.

It just goes to show sometimes the love of your life can be right underneath

your nose.

Maybe it's someone you've been working with for years and years but you can't

bring yourself to say anything for fear of rejection.

Well, I've seen enough golf to know that sometimes those feelings are

reciprocated and the other person is just waiting for the first person to

move.

Well, that's it for the golf today.

Join us next week for the live tournament in Saudi Arabia where we

invited. Good night.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, Georgia Smith.

Just tell me what you need and we can go there.

Only for the weekend.

I just sat down with my friends. Don't tell me that you're leaving.

Think I came at the right time. Do you know what's on my mind? Can you stay for

the evening?

Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally arrived in the Gulf region this week,

in time for the evening due of the Iran war.

Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of tube, was accompanied

the trip by a team of reporters.

And after spending three days with Keir Starmer, they might be the first

journalists in Saudi Arabia to kill themselves.

number of journalists, or what the Saudi Crown Prince would call a suitcase

full.

In the UAE, after 70 Brits have been jailed after filming missile strikes,

is a useful reminder to put your phone away and just enjoy missile strikes in

the moment.

Disgraced former minister and friend of Jeffrey Epstein, Peter Mandelson, seen

here connecting his cock to Bluetooth.

for urinating in public.

I feel sorry for Mandelson.

We've all been there.

Not there, Jesus.

This morning, the Artemis II mission returned to Earth.

Mission Commander Reid Wiseman said there were, quote, no adjectives to

what they observed on the moon.

May I suggest Mooney?

speak to the crew on the phone this week while they were on the other side of

the moon. So remember, girls, if he wanted to, he would.

Artemis II splashed down successfully in the Pacific Ocean.

It was called a monumental achievement by the scientific community and the

darkest day in our history by the pod of dolphins it smashed into.

Rishi Sunak has posted a photo of himself on crutches after, quote,

to his daughters on an Easter skiing trip.

Well, I don't know who this Rishi Sunak fellow is, but get well soon.

The Grand National took place today, and in a weekend update exclusive, we have

the winner of the race with us in the studio. It's Paul Townend.

Hello, everyone. Good evening.

Paul, firstly, congratulations on the win. What was it like out there?

Well, to be fair...

for me.

First couple of fences I found tricky, but after a few furlongs I pushed

and took the trophy.

Oh, sorry, did I interrupt?

Hi! Can we help you?

No, it's weird, I just thought this was an interview with the winner of the

Grand National, and then I turn up, and you're chatting to this free -riding

prick.

Sorry, who are you?

My name's Aya Maximus.

Right? The horse that actually won the Grand National?

No, you're the horse I rode to win the Grand National.

The absolute cheek of this guy.

What exactly did you contribute?

I'm 6 % body fat. I can run at 35 miles an hour. I got a dick like a Pringles

tube, by the way.

So, what was your skill set again? Oh, yes, being 4 '9". How dare you?

How dare you?

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Let's not ruin the good name of horses being forced to run for our pleasure.

Well, I worked hard, too. It's gruelling.

I sprained my elbow.

Oh yeah, you sprained your elbow and what happened?

They'd cover you up in a white tent and shoot you? Yeah, I thought not.

That's standard practice.

You don't get it, do you, you little gerbil?

You don't know what it's like out there, man.

Brutal heat, scary jump.

Not to mention, you're with me.

I told you, I wasn't into that. I made my boundaries very clear.

Nay means nay.

Oh, Maximus, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Is there anything I can do?

Let me ride you.

What?

Let me ride you.

Here. Live on Sky TV.

And stream the next day on Peacock.

Yeah. Let me know the thrill of commanding another.

Okay, just this one.

Get on.

How's it feel?

Good, yeah.

Is that a Pringles tube in your pocket? We're right!

We're national winners, everyone!

Ringo Starr has claimed that broccoli is what helps him tour at the age of 85.

That and having been in a band called The Beatles.

Oxford University has found that artificial intelligence can be used to

fat that is otherwise invisible to the human eye. Who do you think you are, my

mum?

Controversial US surveillance firm Palantir has been given access to

one and a half million NHS employees.

It's insane.

Giving the keys to our health system to Palantir, a sinister military contractor

with links to the CIA, which makes billions...

Profiting from targeting systems for drone strike is such a great idea.

I love Palantir.

Palantir, driving productivity across the UK through AI -powered software.

Steve?

Steve Wainwright, a retired engineer and DIY enthusiast

from Peterborough.

has become obsessed with making oversized models of everyday objects.

Well done, Steve.

Here's your medication.

What time is it? It's prison time!

That's right.

X Factor's Chico has been sentenced for drink driving.

After giving an emotional speech to court, he's got the jury's vote. But

impress the judges?

effort to protect hedgehogs, officials in Germany are planning to ban the

nighttime use of automatic lawnmowers, or as German hedgehogs call them,

Nachtkunst.

The Welsh town of Ebbw Vale has been named Britain's fattest town, much to

annoyance of its mayor.

These labels don't help us. They're outdated and quite frankly offensive, he

said, fatly.

researchers have conducted tests on the Shroud of Turin, the linen cloth in

which Jesus is believed to have been buried. Their findings reveal traces of

DNA, including those of cats and carrots, feline companions and root

So Jesus was living as a bisexual woman.

A ferry service in Southampton has gone into liquidation.

Well, yeah, that's how boats work.

Oxfordshire police are hunting a shopper who defecated on a shop shelf in

Banbury. The suspect is described as really needing a shit in Banbury.

Unfortunately, for a nearby John Lewis, they had to match it.

On Thursday, K -pop band BTS kicked off their $1 billion world tour on the back

of their hit single, Swim.

But my question is...

Don't

ask me.

I'm not really into K -pop.

almost two -thirds of Gen Z say they go out less than before.

Here to tell us what's really going on is our Gen Z correspondent, Annabelle

Marlowe -Jackson!

Hi, Paddy. Hi.

What the hell is going on with Gen Z?

It's simple.

Every Friday night, Gen Z like to... Huff a little glue and show a little

And that's Gen Z.

Let's break it down for him. On Friday, we... Go to Hyde Park in Leeds, flip the

G and practice our bird noises.

Shum Girl!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Gents, we love making sound effects.

Jack can do a gunshot from really far away.

Shum Girl!

I have a really good impression of saying thanks to a waiter when you're

-convo.

But why do Gen Z like sound effects?

Because we're expressing our gender, of course.

Gen Z loves gender.

I express my gender by looking like Claire Balding if she were a Vampire

fan.

And I express my gender by being a girl at the pub, sorry.

So sorry.

Instead of clubbing, Gen Z are doing what exactly?

Well, they're going to the black and white pictures.

Roll up a cup and have a little cigarette.

And then we post a link to an infographic about gay rights. And wrong.

I'll tell you what's gay wrong. These titties.

This sounds like maybe it's just you two.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I really don't know how much more obvious we can make this.

Gen Z love to huff a little glue, show a little nip, and call in a bomb threat.

I still don't get what Gen Z like.

I'll tell you what we like, you rude old bitch.

We love the music of Steely Dad, Catcher in the Rye, and the work of character

actor Bob Hoskins. The long good Friday, now that was a key.

We love making...

Now, Gen Z like to... Half glue, show nip, bomb crap!

Darling, that was the most perfect evening.

And now the kids are asleep. It's about to get even better.

Happy anniversary, Wendy.

Happy anniversary, my love.

Well, well, well.

If Wendy, darling, hasn't found herself another lost boy.

Oh, my God. Peter, is that you?

Surprise!

Did you miss me?

Clearly not, because you never bloody called.

Who's this pirate?

Captain can't grow a beard. He's not a pirate, Peter. He's my husband.

Oh, wow.

What does husband do?

Professional loser?

I'm a neurosurgeon.

Great. Neurosurgeon. Tell me this, mate. Can you fly?

No. Didn't think so.

Hold my beer.

To the sky!

Stupid place to put that.

Hey, who is this?

I might be dressed like homeless Robin Hood.

Hey, relax, chief. I'm just an old flame.

Wendy and I used to go all the way to Mounheim back in the day, if you know

I mean.

Sex. Yes, we got that.

What are you doing here, Peter?

Well, I just popped by, didn't I? To let you know that I am crushing it.

And what exactly are you crushing?

Shut your mouth, you piece of virgin.

Listen, Wendy, why don't you sack off this absolute mood hoover and come with

me? Let us fly!

Oh, God, no.

Oh! Oh, God.

OK. Don't worry, I'll pay for that.

Peter, you've really got to go. It's been 40 years. I'm married. I've got

children. Yeah, I know. That's great, cos I've got a girlfriend too, so... Do

you? No.

Tinkerbell's on OnlyFans.

Oh, Peter.

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Sorry. My bad. That one's on me. I misjudged that. You need to leave now.

Okay, fine.

Yes, I'm leaving.

I've got things to do anyway, because as I said, crushing it.

Sure you don't want to come with me?

Nope, that's fine. Didn't want you anyway.

Baby, I'll just take the stairs.

Thank you.

Love you. Oh, God,

I'm so sorry about him.

Listen, those days are in the past. There's no one I'd rather be with than

Don't worry about it. We've all got weird exes.

Happy anniversary, Wendy.

Happy anniversary, love.

Now... That hasn't spoiled the mood, has it? Of course not.

Now, where were we?

Hmm, where were we?

Just checking.

Room for a little one?

Oh, go on.

Let's ride!

Woo!

Welcome back to Falling Down the Hill with Helen Birch.

I'm Helen Birch.

Well, we can hardly avoid the topic, so I'd like to state for the record that I

am by no means the fan of the renaming of this program.

It's true that I have occasionally fallen down some hills, but it's my view

program needn't have been retitled to reflect that fact.

So I hope you'll forgive me if I occasionally refer to the program by its

original title for the first 14 series.

That's Helen Birches, Birches of St. Helens.

Now. On with the program.

We're here, as ever, just on the outskirts of St. Helens, very nearly

Haddock Village proper, which is just beyond the brow of this hill.

And here's a lovely birch I found. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, no!

Once again, Georgia Smith.

I'll fill the rain and turn the pain into

hope

I'll take your hand and close my eyes A parody, a parody

No, darling.

How I wish we didn't live in the 1930s so that I could be lesbian and you could

be a gay.

Thank goodness we married one another.

This way we're able to live our sordid homosexual lives in secret while still

falling in with polite society.

I'm frightfully nervous to meet your mother.

Perhaps you might suspect us.

No, you mustn't fret, Judith. So be none the wiser, providing we remain subtle

and discreet.

Well, soil my...

nickels.

Henry.

Robert,

you big Nancy.

Excuse my appearance. I slept in a graveyard.

Mind if I say my shoes are filled with blood.

Robert, who might this curious character be?

Oh, Judith, this is Henry, my cousin.

Cousin? Do you love with your cousin, do you?

at the glass slipper. One minute we're doing the quick step, next thing you

we're stepping quickly into each other's holes.

Hey, please.

I told you about my wife, Judith.

Oh, please. I can spot a lesbo from a mile away.

Love the dress, pal.

Anyway,

I'm off to powder my schnoz.

By which, of course, I do mean do 1930s cocaine.

Robert?

Your mother will have you arrested.

He seems excitable at first, but he will calm down.

Oh, cake!

Oh, fine.

I won't have a thing for dinner, though.

I pray he doesn't make a scene.

Henry, please.

Eat this cake behind this door.

Robert.

Well, look lively.

Aren't you going to greet your poor mother?

Oh, mother.

Yes, sorry. This is Judith, my wife, whom I intercourse.

Ah, yes. The mysterious Judith.

Rather a plain thing, isn't she?

Eyes so far apart, you'd think she was prey.

But still.

Good solid hips.

Thank you, Mrs. Fenwick.

I suppose I could approve.

Oh, Mother, really?

Did anyone see the thing with the kiss?

Robert,

do you know this man?

Mother, I have never met this bombastic pervert in all my life. Just ignore him,

Mrs. Fenwick. Young lady, when I desire your opinion, I'll be sure to give your

head a good firm slap until one comes tumbling out your ears. Okay, I'm

laughing. I don't do jokes.

Well, darling, it seems you've done, Dad.

to introduce my homely wife to my difficult mother, and it was all going

well until you minced in here.

So would you please kindly piss off? Robert!

This colourful freak is the most interesting person I've ever met.

You'd do well to find yourself a girl like him.

But what about my tiny wife?