Original subtitles

[waves crashing]

[mellow music]

[joyful music]

[serene music]

[man] Your name clean?

[man 2] [speaking french]

[man] Have you any special wishes?

[answers in french]

Forget for me. That's what most of the masks are, granted.

Next please.

Your name.

[man 3] [speaking Chinese]

What do you want.

[answers in Chinese]

Love and peace, granted.

Next please.

[man 4] And who may be?

Assistant secretary to the lower admission office.

- Oh. - Your name?

Maxwell Bard, sir, and British to mine.

But I've lived for years in California.

Your wish.

Well, I'd like to watch some friends for the next 24 hours.

What?

Look at Earth again?

But why?

Oh, well, may I answer that in private?

There are no secrets here.

Well, it's all rather embarrassing.

And may I whisper, sir?

If it makes you feel better.

Well, my closest friends were a pretty married couples in San Francisco.

You see, husbands were so completely convinced...

[group laughing]

[joyful music]

How long do you think you'll be?

I wouldn't know. How long does it take to read a will?

Don't think it's funny I wasn't asked to come along.

- I wonder why. - It's obvious.

He didn't leave you any money.

I was just as good a friend of his as...

Oh, it isn't the money, you know I never think of that.

Why should you, haven't you a good husband?

Don't I always give you everything your heart desires?

Where are you going now?

I thought I'd try to turn in my speech at the symphony concert.

Oh, girl, you do miss Max, don't you?

See if you can swap your matinee seats for a pair for the evening.

I'll go with you.

Oh heavens, you haven't been to a symphony concert in years.

Yeah, what kind of husband are you?

- Oh, hello, Kenneth. - Hi.

You're also expecting to inherit a fortune.

Why shouldn't he? Next of kin.

Mother thinks we will.

Me? I never expect anything.

Saves a lot of disappointment.

- Smart Boy. - You coming?

Better go ahead, I'll see you upstairs.

- So long then. - Bye.

Wait just a second.

- Flowers? - Please.

Here.

Here you are.

You know, sometimes you're awfully sweet.

For a husband.

Good afternoon. Mr. Evans.

Good afternoon Miss Reynolds.

Would you please wait in the library,

- I'll tell Mr. Wurdeman you're here. - Thank you.

Oh hello Dan.

Hi, Oz.

Well, I didn't know I was going to see you here.

And neither did I, I'd rather be over the track.

And what's all this about anyway.

- The will I imagine. - It's my guess.

What does that have to do with me.

It ain't like I'm a relation or a business associate.

Maybe it's not the will.

What could it be.

Mr. Wurdeman will see you first Mr.. Evans.

Hello Edward come in Arthur sit down.

Thank you.

Sorry to have kept you waiting so long.

Not at all.

It's been one of those days.

Some fumes always upset my schedule.

And all those things in the evening.

[phone buzzing]

Give me a minuet, yes Mary.

Well I can't talk to Mrs. Wurdeman now.

Hello Edward.

Hello dear.

[chattering on phone]

Help yourself with a cigar.

- I shouldn't. - Yes, dear, I'm listening.

I have to be careful, you know.

Makes you stop and think, doesn't it?

A man like Max in the prime of life passing on so suddenly.

Oh, there's nothing sudden about it.

Max knew he was going to die.

- And it was his heart. - Yes, heart.

I mean, yes, sweetheart.

You never have thought it from the way he lived.

Why, the last time I saw Max...

Yes, dear, I promise.

I'll stop at the supermarket on the way home.

Here you are.

What's this?

Max left that for you.

But I thought the will was to be read, isn't that why?

Well, tomorrow, I'll let you know the time.

[chattering on phone continues]

[mellow music]

[suspenseful music]

Yes, dear, honey, I'll remember.

Do you know what's in this letter?

No, as executor, I was simply instructed to hand it to you.

Not bad news, I hope.

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

Just about the business.

Well, I'd better be getting off.

Working, man, you know?

I'll phone you about the will.

Yes, the will, oh, yes, certainly.

Well... Bye.

Bye.

So long fellas.

So long, Arthur.

Must be good news.

Kenneth.

Won't be too long, Dan.

Good afternoon, Miss Reynolds.

[tense music]

Going down.

[tense music]

[tense music continues]

Oh, Mike, what a guy.

Imagine him pulling a gag like this even on the day of his funeral.

- Gag? - Sure.

I got a nose for it.

I can smell a gag ten miles away, and that's what this is.

And I'll tell you something else.

He would have told me everything else.

Okay, so I'm wasting your time.

Bill me.

I can afford even your fees.

You don't think it's funny, huh?

Well...

Nah, you didn't know Max the way I did.

I admired your sporting spirit.

Now you're talking, Edward.

A natural-born sport.

That's me. And a great sense of humor.

That'll put you through anything.

Okay, I won't waste any more of your valuable time.

I've got to see a man about a horse, a bookie.

You forgot something.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I've got to show this to somebody.

My wife, she got a great kick out of this.

Well, her seal's got an even better sense of humor than me.

What's the matter, Kenny?

Bad news?

OK.

None of my business.

Wait a minute, Joe.

Read that.

Dear Kenneth [mumbles] I don't know.

[continues mumbling]

Your wife and I,

[whistles]

What would you do if somebody said that about your wife?

My wife? Impossible.

- Why? - She ain't got the time.

You know what I'd do if I was you?

I'd beat the living bejeebers out of a guy like that.

Wish I could.

Well, why can't you, a big guy like you?

It's not that.

Well, I suppose he's smaller.

I suppose he's weaker.

He deserves it, don't he?

- I can't. - Well, now why can't you?

Just answer me that, why not?

He's dead, well, but look what he's done to you.

Dead?

Well, in that case, there's only one thing you can do now.

What?

There was another party involved, wasn't there?

Oh, I don't beat women.

Oh, neither do I.

Only when it's necessary.

[tense music]

[tense music continues]

Jane?

Good afternoon, Mr.. Evans.

Isn't Mrs. Evans here?

No, sir.

- Didn't you give her my message? - She didn't call.

You're sure you don't know where she is, she usually tells you, doesn't she?

- She didn't today. - Why not?

Suppose one of the children got sick what would you do?

I'd phone the doctor.

Haven't you any idea where she might be?

Usually Fridays...

Go on.

She went to the symphony concert with poor Mr.. Max.

Why do you talk about him all the time?

Oh I'm so sorry Mr. Evans.

I know how badly you must feel about poor Mr...

Don't mention that name again.

[sobbing]

[solemn music]

No it's not possible.

Why are you so smug?

You have a very attractive wife.

It can't be.

Are you afraid to remember?

To think about this thing back?

[mysterious music]

I'd say I have a feeling I've caught you bluffing.

[Arthur] What makes you think so?

You know you ought never to try to conceal your feelings

you haven't got to poke a face.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to raise you again.

[all laughing]

Might give us a look for our investment.

Not on your life.

Two things you ought not to be reckless about,

poker, and women.

You ought to know, you're lucky with both.

Well, leave me out of this, will you?

Hello.

Oh hello my dear.

Hey Max, is she pretty?

Of course she's pretty, what do you think?

Well it's true isn’t it?

You have a nice day? Mm, well tell me about it.

[men chattering]

Oh no.

Hey Max, seems you got a friend! Tall and skinny with good legs!

[chuckles]

Yes.

[men chattering]

Don't risk your money, he's bragging.

Disturbing me? No, on the contrary you're rescuing me

from a bunch of secondhand Romeos.

[men chattering]

Don't you be so smug boys

there's plenty I could teach you, cut rate Casanovas.

[men laugh]

You hear that?

Hm?

Yes, yes of course I will. Right.

Right thank you for calling then.

Bye.

[Arthur] Why do you suppose he's never gotten married?

It's the fact that he don't like things.

You're absolutely right, old boys.

I like women far too much ever to make wives out of them.

What's wrong with wives?

- Husband. - [agreeing sigh]

Another drink?

Not for me I gotta go home.

- Time to break it up. - Oh it's early.

It's after two!

He's got to punch a time clock when he goes home.

I wish I did.

Mary's on night duty.

Why did you marry then a trained nurse?

You're trying to go home to an empty apartment?

At least you don't have to lie when you get in late.

Gentleman I beg of you marriage is a sacred institution.

I agree with you.

Jane and I have never found it necessary to lie to each other.

Hey, Art, what do you do for fun?

Hey, didn't you ever tell him this is one of the little ones?

He studied honor in Harvard.

Sorry to have a good night kept from you.

Jane just said to remember your stomach.

Oh, was that Jane?

Look, Max,

I want to talk to you before I leave about those new posters.

Aren't you going to ask me why your wife should ring me up at this time of night?

To tell you the latest bright things of your godchildren

or that Mozart is being played on station KXXY.

You underestimate your wife's emotional quality.

Jane is a very sentimental woman.

Well, what did she want?

To remind you to take your pills.

[all laugh]

That's Jane for you.

She's happiest when we are all tucked in bed at 8:30 with hot milk.

Come off it, Arthur. You'd love going to bed at 8:30 with hot milk.

You seem to forget that I'm in the office every morning at 9.

[phone ringing]

I'll take Arthur on whose wife it is this time.

Tell her I left 20 minutes ago.

[all laugh]

Wait I'll walk down with you.

How do we go?

Hello?

No, dear.

He hasn't been here all evening.

Well, I wouldn't know where he is.

He's probably with a woman.

That'll put her in that place.

Oh, Arthur, I really will try and come and see you tomorrow in the office.

You'd better, Max, we're way behind schedule on that new design.

Well, if he's not home with you in ten minutes' time,

you ring me up, and I'll come along and console you what do you say?

All right, dear, goodbye.

I'm glad you reminded me, Arthur.

I've got just the artist for you.

Meet us at five o'clock tomorrow at Guillermo's bar.

I'll be there.

- All right, Max. - So long Max.

It's Matilda Clay.

But she signs herself just Matilda.

Very chic nowadays in her profession.

- Oh, Max. - How do you do?

How do you do?

Well, I never thought Max's artist would be like you.

Well, that's very conventional.

Does an artist have to wear smocks and have untidy hair?

Why not conventional?

It's just that you were such a pleasant surprise.

You're very smart.

Well, he's the salon salute of the suburbs.

Oh, let's not pay any attention to him.

Matilda, I wouldn't like you to misunderstand Arthur.

He's interested in you as an artist.

She's very good too, in spite of her appearance.

Oh, I like her appearance.

She's... She's... She's very nice.

There, you see?

Arthur, don't you let yourself be taken in.

She likes to drink with her gloves on

because it makes her feel like an adventurous.

Isn't he wicked?

Joking apart, though, she is clever.

And she does need the work.

I have a feeling she'd make a first-grade job at those posters.

I'm sure she would.

Thank you.

Would you like me to leave now or shall we discuss the project?

We can do that over dinner.

I'll go and see what old Guillermo's got in his refrigerator, shall I?

Well, tell me about your work.

Well, there isn't much to tell, really.

Max thinks differently.

I'd love to show you my drawings.

I'd love to see them.

When?

- Whenever you'd like. - The sooner, the better.

My studio's not far from here.

North Beach.

Well, that's right on my way home, bet I could take you there.

Tonight?

Why not?

Excuse me, dear.

Oh, Arthur, I congratulate you.

You succeeded in getting her to take off one glove,

which is further than she's ever gone with me.

You and the Guillermos found some small squab chickens,

even tenderer than Matilda.

Let's get Jane to join us, shall we?

- Oh, well, uh... - I'll call her.

No, no, no. I'll take care of it.

Excuse me.

[bar music playing]

I'm dying.

I'm just dying.

Now, I dear control yourself, would you?

The purpose of this meeting was purely professional.

He looks wistful.

He's very unhappy.

Matilda, when you feel one of these sentimental,

romantic urges coming on,

why don't you take up an old bachelor like me?

I never take up.

Oh, sorry.

I'm very sincere.

That's why I don't fall in love with you, Max.

Frivolous men don't touch me.

Too bad would you like to see a picture of my god children?

No.

Are they handsome? You see, Jane's their mother and she's also Arthur's wife.

They've been married for nine years

and they have never told each other to lie.

Why do you carry another man's wife in your wallet Max?

Oh, is Jane coming?

She's very sorry but it's the maid's night out,

and there's no one to stay with the children.

Oh too bad.

Poor things that means you'd have to go back and keep her company, aren't it?

Oh, never mind, another time, one more squab chicken for us, eh?

I'm so sorry darling I've neglected to tell you,

I have another date.

Oh.

Good morning dear.

I hate to do this to you but it's later than you think.

Oh no you don't.

Ow!

An hour of extra sleep is the absolute limit, come on now.

Up you go.

Hey, open up, how many fingers, huh?

Six.

[chuckles] Oh darling.

Bad hangover, hm?

- Late conference. - Ah, ah, ah!

Please, dear.

We never lied to each other before let's not start now.

Max called me up and told me everything.

Yeah, I can see by your face you have a very guilty conscience.

Come on dear take your pill, you'll feel a lot better.

How much did you lose?

What's the matter with you anyway?

Are you so in love with that game, you have to play poker two nights in succession?

Not to blame you, playing with Max,

he's just fun.

Is that all he told you?

- What else is there to tell? - Oh, nothing, nothing.

Oh, so you did lose.

I didn't lose at all.

As a matter of fact, I won.

Won!

And I'm going to take my best girl out on my winnings.

We'll have lunch at the palace.

Lunch?

Oh, darling, I think I may get to like this game.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I can't go.

Why not?

Today is Friday.

- Friday? - Symphony.

Oh, yes.

You know how Max loves being late for the symphony.

Mm-hmm.

So you're going with him again, huh?

Uh-huh.

Do you mind?

Why should I?

Well, you know Max's reputation.

He doesn't feel that way about you.

Doesn't he?

He values you for your intellect.

My, uh... intellect, hmm?

[mellow music playing]

[speaking french]

[continues speaking french]

[continues speaking french]

[continues speaking french]

[continues speaking french]

]romantic music]

Wonderful, wasn't it?

Wonderful.

You've definitely never seen anything like that in an American film.

Arthur?

Oh please, miss. Mascara.

Arthur!

The French are so emotional.

Oh, shall we go?

And miss the cartoon?

Well, I ought to be getting home.

Why, aren't you worried about Arthur?

He's climbing up and down, eating his heart out?

Well, he could survive.

It's called love in the blood.

It's a French picture.

They talk French in it,

but it tells you underneath what it means.

Even if it didn't, you'd understand it all right.

And this guy is absolutely sensational.

He's a kind of romantic type, but with muscles, you know.

There's a scene in it that's so terrific,

he grabs this girl and he says, mon amour, je t'adore,

je t'adore.

With a pompous charm.

Oh, I tell you, I got chills.

The girl was good, too.

What did she say?

She said, oui, mon amour.

She'd had a lot of trouble in the picture.

I've seen it three times already,

and every time I ball like a baby.

You ought to see it, Jay.

You would love it.

You would really love it.

I know, I would.

You ought to take her sometime.

Oh, I will. I certainly will.

Gee, I'd like to learn French.

I've got an idea they don't translate some of the best parts.

You're absolutely right.

Well, I could teach you french.

Would you, Max?

Well, I'd be delighted, of course.

Oh, George, have you got any beer?

How do you like that?

They serve champagne.

My wife wants beer.

I happen to like beer.

So do I, draw two, George.

Oh, just a minute.

[whistles]

Come in darling.

Dear Max.

Dear Matilda.

How nice it all looks.

Well, how nice of you to say so.

[elegant piano playing]

Now, listen everybody, this is Miss Matilda Clegg, a young artist...

Mary seems to be enjoying herself.

Why shouldn't she, mother?

I didn't know she was so fond of music.

I'm off to bed.

Mrs. Wurdeman.

I could listen to a piano all night.

Too bad your husband doesn't play.

But he can dance.

Do you mind if I steal her?

No, I'll finish the accompaniment.

Thanks.

And this is a great friend of mine, Jane Evans.

How do you do?

Her husband, I think you know.

This is an unexpected pleasure.

I've heard so much about you.

About me?

My husband's deeply mad about your work.

As a matter of fact, so am I.

Your posters are simply naked

Thank you.

Haven't I seen you somewhere, Mrs. Evans?

Let's go for caviar, yes darling.

Thank you.

You'll have to watch your steps, my precious.

I'm dying.

Well, I've heard you die so often.

I can't believe it can be serious this time.

You think you're so subtle having us both to your silly party.

I'm not going to be influenced I assure you.

It's an imported dress.

It must have cost $200.

No wonder he's always worrying about money.

You don't seem to realize we're both sincere.

My dear if you could just manage this,

If you could manage to have your remarks,

follow each other in some sort of logical sequence.

I know why you did it to show me the good wife who's life I'm destroying.

What about my life?

Your life, well, a minute ago you were dying.

Poor little Matilda.

Don't pity me.

Glory is to love.

Glorious to love.

Haven't I heard that remark before somewhere?

In a French movie?

I think I hate you.

Oh, I'm sorry because I like you very much.

You hate me.

If you liked me sincerely, you'd have some sympathy.

Instead of treating me like a home wrecker.

A home wrecker?

Well, I think you have a guilty conscience.

I've always treated you like a naughty child,

which is exactly what you are.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Can I help it if I'm in love?

Oh, I thought it was something serious.

Now, there is somebody here that I would like you to meet.

He's a composer, he's just back from Paris.

He's talented.

And what's more, he's unattached.

That happens to be a man at the piano.

Is that him?

Really, I never thought you'd do anything so obvious, Max.

[all chattering]

Dan, do you think the band will just come for our silly number?

Well, do you think they can stand it?

Oh, who cares about them?

We enjoy ourselves, don't we.

[group chattering]

I heard that.

Anything wrong?

Oh, darling, I'm in despair.

Please, Matilda.

The indiscretion will get us nowhere.

Where are we now?

Hiding in corners, sneaking down side streets,

as if I were ashamed of loving you.

And this, this is the last straw.

A husband brought two tickets home to take his wife to Tosca.

[romantic song]

Quote.

♪ I am off with your friend Oscar. ♪

♪ Oscar. ♪

- Oscar? - Oscar.

Unquote.

[all laughing]

This party I'm sure he just gave it to humiliate me.

Don't be upset, Max has a birthday every year he always throws a party.

Men can be so cruel and blind.

I must you always exaggerate?

Oh my love, there's a limit to my endurance.

I can't go on like this any longer.

You've got to decide now, tonight.

Oh darling I don't care if we never go to Paris.

I don't have to live on the left bank.

I could live in an American suburb with you.

You've got to tell her.

We can't do a thing like that quickly, there's too much involved.

Five months isn't quickly.

We've been married eight years I can't hurt her.

She's never hurt you I suppose.

If you really knew it, you wouldn't ask ridiculous questions.

♪ All of them. ♪

♪ - Poor chap. ♪ ♪ - Poor chap. ♪

Poor husbands are, eh Max?

[laughs]

[all laugh]

Just because she's your wife, she's no holier than other women.

What are you implying?

Can't you see it with your own eyes?

They're old friends.

Ask her where she was last Friday afternoon.

You are getting hysterical.

Please, you're hurting me.

You're angry with me now.

You hate me.

Oh, don't be a little fool.

I guess it doesn't matter how much you hurt me.

I want to make you happy.

Believe me, darling.

Both of you.

But I'm afraid you'll have to face the truth.

She goes to the symphony on Friday.

And after the symphony?

I assure you, I'm not the least worried about it.

Why not?

Are you afraid to know?

Oh, don't be a little fool.

I'm tired of having to beat around the bush while our love is sacrificed.

If you don't ask her, I will.

Matilda.

[elegant piano playing continues]

The night is young, for everybody.

Come on follow me.

Now, that's some great choice.

Oh, Max, absolutely nobody does this as beautifully as you.

I don't need a wife, do I?

I beg your pardon.

I'm not crowding you, am I.

Well, not at all, there's plenty of room.

A little white, pick up the service please.

Don't you just adore things in aspects?

You mean, does a jelly salad send me? Definitely not.

Your face is so familiar.

I know I've seen it somewhere.

- Excuse me. - Oh, hello, dear.

Arthur Evans, are you trying to break up our marriage?

Mm-hmm.

I don't know if you ever even looked at another lobster

that's ground for divorce.

Don't you remember what happened last time?

No, I know where I saw you last Friday--

I think I will have some lobster after all.

I'm sure it was just my imagination last time.

My dear, may I give you some advice?

If you ever marry, pick a man with a strong stomach.

A great love overlooks trifles.

Well, if you'd lived with her for eight years,

you'd hardly call Arthur's stomach a trifle.

Couldn't we talk about something else?

We could talk about the three days you spent in the hospital.

Let him go to the hospital again,

and we'll have as much fun as we had last time.

Oh, Max.

[both laugh]

[mellow music]

Oh hello dear.

You're home already?

Oh I got the tickets saved, they were wonderful darling.

- I'm just-- - Stop chattering!

Arthur what's wrong?

- It isn't the children... - Doesn't your conscience tell you?

My checking account isn't overdrawn.

Don't look so innocent, you... you...

Jezebel!

Arthur!

There comes any conclusions?

Yeah, give me another drink.

Oh, this ain't gonna do you any good, Gen.

Might make you feel a little better up to a point,

but conclusions?

Oh, sure, you'll see.

I don't know what to believe.

I don't know.

[Max] Yes, you do know.

You always believed it.

After all, she was my nurse.

[chuckles]

Do you remember? Think back.

So there I find myself at last in the Promised Land, Columbus, Ohio.

Among my American cousins,

I've been expecting cowboys and Indians.

What did I find?

Your mother-in-law.

Only just as pretty then as you are now.

Well, not practically.

Oh, do tell us more.

- Hello, Ken. - You're early, aren't you?

Yeah, we didn't expect you until six.

If I'm interrupting a tender moment, I can leave.

Oh, no, no, no.

You must enjoy working overtime.

Will I have to pay a time and a half?

You bet you do.

Oh, don't be silly.

I wouldn't stick around if I didn't love it so.

Doesn't Max look wonderful?

He's the healthiest looking animal I ever saw.

Shall I tell you something?

I've been putting the whole thing on so as to keep this radiant

- creature near me. - Oh, Max.

Let me tell you something, I believe it.

You ought to be grateful for my heart attacks.

If it hadn't been for your ailing cousin,

you'd never have met her, wouldn't you?

And when you snatched her away from me, I wasn't too pleased either.

Were you jealous? Max, were you jealous?

Jealous? You know perfectly well that when he first met you,

you and I were madly in love with each other.

Oh, you want me to get a heart attack, too?

I'll just keep this up,

- I love it. - I bet you do.

- You're not ready? - Hm-hm, I'm all practical.

Now, you're breaking my heart.

It's in really bad shape already.

I shall probably have a relapse.

Now, how can I thank you enough?

The only way that you can thank me is by taking care of yourself.

Now, you'll remember your promise.

If at any time you feel even, even slightly uncomfortable,

I want you to call me.

I don't care if it's day or night.

Oh, sure. 3 a.m., 4, 5.

Call me and I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Just like that.

Now, you're making promises and rash ones, too.

What happens the night when I'm feeling perfectly well

only just a little bit bored, hmm?

Oh, it'll be a pleasure.

Hey, break it up.

The date, we'll be late.

Oh, we've got plenty of time.

What's that?

Isn't it beautiful?

Where'd you get it?

A grateful patient.

[opening door]

Surprise!

Surprise?

Oh, that funny man's here again, what have you got?

Why did you bring me?

Uh-huh, payment in advance.

Oh, Ken, an orchid.

Happy second anniversary.

Oh, I haven't had an orchid in years.

I'll wear it tonight.

Wait, wait, that's not all I've got.

Oh, another perfume.

Madam, you have a doting and extravagant husband.

I thought we weren't going to spend any money on presents.

What?

Huh?

Why'd you get me?

Well, it's not a diamond wrist, yet.

Oh, Ken.

Hey, mine's bigger than yours.

Well, mine's imported.

Smell.

Hm, yummy.

[howling]

On your way.

Oh, yeah, our reservations at Louis.

We're gonna start at the top of the mark for cocktails.

and that's only a beginning.

Ken, you know what I'm thinking?

What?

That will cost an awful lot of money.

What? I thought you wanted to go out.

We haven't spent an evening alone just the two of us.

For such a long time.

Holy cow, I've been trying all day to figure out how to sell you that idea,

I was afraid to mention it.

And I thought you wanted to go out.

Oh I got a little chicken ready for the broilers.

And champagne on ice.

I'll build the fire.

Champagne?

Uh huh.

[speaking french]

Max gave it to me, don't you remember?

- Oh yeah. - [music in the distance]

Let's drink the whole bottle by ourselves.

- Oh. - [music intensifies]

Uh, you talked to mother today?

- What do you think? - You told her we were going out?

I told her we were going out.

Is she angry?

Well, if she was, she's too much of a lady to mention it.

Well, we're entitled to one evening alone on our anniversary.

But if we stay home and don't ask her

she'll be terribly upset.

Hurry up, let's go we'll be late.

Coming!

I'll open the Champagne.

Alright.

[phone ringing]

Uh-oh.

[phone ringing]

Uh-uh.

Well it'll just keep on ringing and ringing undisturbed.

I’ll tell him I'm not taking any calls tonight.

I don't trust you. Remember what happened last time,

old Mr. White with was phoning us?

Well, you answer it, tell him I'm out.

If it's you definitely, and they can't get me, they'll call another nurse.

Tell him yourself you're a big girl now, you know how to say no.

Go on, I want to see how much our anniversary means to you.

Hello?

Aren't we lucky? Saved by the bell.

I'll get the chicken ready.

Open the champagne.

No, you make it so comfortable I'll take care of everything.

Okay! I'll get shaved!

- I thought we weren't going out. - We're not.

Hey, call Louis' and cancel our reservation will you?

All right.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Yes this is Mary.

Oh hello.

No not tonight it's our ani--

Oh I'm...

I'm totally sorry to hear that.

Well, I know, but...

But couldn't you?

Oh.

Well, I'll be there in 15.

Ken, listen, I won't be gone long.

- If you just let me explain... - You've explained enough.

Now, I know how much your anniversary means to you.

- But this is serious. - Spare me the details.

I've been hearing them for two years.

I know all the answers by now.

If you just let me explain...

Why bother your patient's waiting.

Oh.

Who is it this time?

An old man, 94 years old,

dying of double blood pressure with a touch of fungus.

Bad case, huh?

No one else can save him only Mary.

Our Mary Whitaker.

Always obeys the call of duty.

Got it all wrong, I think he's not an old man.

He's young and handsome.

He was three times a regular playboy,

not sick at all.

He's crazy about registered nurses.

Always gets them gold, things,

and emeralds for the ones that he likes best.

I've been waiting months for this call.

Sure that's not all kidding.

What makes you think it is?

And cook that chicken whenever you want to,

because I probably won't be back all night.

[door slams]

[kick on wood]

Happy anniversary.

Hello, son.

Hello, mother.

Isn't Mary here?

No, she went out.

Emergency call.

On your anniversary?

Oh, I thought you were going to have dinner in the restaurant.

Want me to fix something for you?

Well, she'll be back in an hour.

Then I'll let me fix you a little supper.

Remember the last emergency?

What was it this time?

I didn't ask.

Couldn't be too much of an emergency for only an hour.

Do you want a drink, mother?

I thought you were saving this for something.

It's a special occasion?

Isn't this my anniversary?

Perhaps I will have a little sip with you, son,

to cheer you up.

Here's to you, son.

May the later years of your marriage be happier.

We're doing all right now, Mother.

Did Max call again?

Didn't know he called it all.

Just before you came in, she didn't answer, and he called me.

Seems very anxious to get hold of her.

Why didn't you tell her?

You know, Max, he usually gets what he wants.

Is he ill again?

I can't take Max's heart attacks too seriously.

He always seems to recover so quickly.

Oh, Mother, you know he's got a bad heart.

Oh, can't I have my opinion?

She's with old Mr. Whitey. He's 75. He's got high blood pressure.

I thought you didn't know what the emergency was about.

There's nothing for you to worry about.

[yelling] Who said I was worried?

Don't shout at me, son.

I'm not deaf.

She's not with Max, Mother.

- I know she is. - Never said she was.

You're not in a very good mood, are you?

I think I'll go up and eat my little dinner.

Good night, dear.

Good night, Mother.

[door closes]

[tense music]

[suspenseful music]

On a clear day, you can see Alcatraz.

I know, you're just out for a breath of fresh air.

Was there any law against it?

Oh, no, no. Go right ahead.

Well, if you see anything suspicious, let us know.

[whimsical music]

What do you think he's up to?

I don't know.

Let's just mosey along and come back.

[suspenseful music]

Good night, Mr. Bard.

- Good night, uh, George. - Yes, sir.

Bring me a course champagne, two glasses, will you?

Two glasses, sir?

If you're expecting somebody, I can take another night off.

Yeah, it's all right.

- Just go get the glasses. - Yes, sir.

- Leave your handcuffs here, okay? - Yes, sir.

[suspenseful music]

Darling.

The champagne is just just coming up, dear.

[mellow music]

That's right George put the two glasses down there will you.

George take the night off.

Yes, sir.

And don't head in back in the morning.

Yes sir.

[whisper] George, remember I spent the evening alone.

Darling!

Will you come down for the champagne? Or shall I bring it up to you?

Oh, what did you say?

[suspenseful music]

Let's go.

Darling, I think you love this champagne.

[speaking french]

I only give it to my favorites.

Oh, it must be those hoodlums again.

Sorry, hon.

I don't want to alarm you sir.

But there's a burglar in the house.

We saw him enter from your terrace.

But let me go ahead.

Be careful, he might be dangerous.

Wherever you are, come out.

We've got you covered.

How was this house service?

You what?

Stay where you are.

He's been covered, officer, it was a desperate character--

- Where do you think you're going? - I'm going to look around upstairs.

Don't you like it down here?

He can explain everything.

- Me? - Judge would rather hear from you.

- Come on. - Let's be fair, officer.

I'd like to hear what he's going to say for himself.

But we caught him red-handed.

- Illegal entry. - I was only looking.

Oh, a peeping tom, huh?

You could get ten years for that alone.

- Could be, officer? - At least.

Don't let him kick it, he's my cousin.

I've never set eyes on this fellow before in my life.

- Why, you! - McCarthy!

Surround him!

Come on. Let's go.

[whimsical music]

Come on.

Where to? The gas chamber?

Someone's gone bail for you.

Oh, nice.

Ken.

Oh, it was you, thanks for nothing.

Don't thank me.

Hey, you can't go back. You got bailed.

I don't want any bail!

All right, please.

Ken, please don't make a worse fool of yourself.

Come on.

Excuse me, sir, haven't you forgotten something?

Thank you.

If you'd been up to me, I'd have kept you in there for three or four years.

- I didn't ask you to bail me out. - Oh but she did.

Some joke, I suppose it gave you both a good laugh.

The next time you visit me, Kenneth,

come in by the front door, it looks better to the police.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Never mind me suppose you start explaining and it better be good.

I'm not going to tell you anything.

Where did you go tonight?

I started to tell you once and you wouldn't listen.

Now I'm never going to tell you.

Either you trust me or we're quitting right now,

which, Ken?

Come on home.

Joe.

What you going to do?

I'm going to take your advice.

There's a time when a man's got to be a man.

[tense music]

- Hello darling. - Hi, honey.

What happened by the Wurdeman office.

What did you win?

Mother would you mind leaving us alone for a few minutes?

Mary and I have something to talk about.

Couldn't it wait, honey? I've got to hurry. It's old Mr. White, he asked for me.

You're not going anywhere, now you stay out of this.

- What's the matter? - Shut up!

I once asked you to explain something and you refused,

well now I know.

We better talk about it when I get back.

You go out that door you're not coming back.

Make up your mind.

I'll send for my things tomorrow.

[solemn music]

You're not alone, honey, you still have mother.

Hi.

What's eating you?

I've got 20 bucks and an audacious king.

Max told me to watch that neck.

Rest his soul.

Where you gonna get your tips now that Max is gone?

Oh,am I gonna miss that guy.

Look at you.

Look at some show for the neighbors.

What's wrong?

I'm just getting a little suntan.

Can't you wear a sun suit?

You got plenty of dough to spend, charge accounts in all the stores?

I got three sun suits.

I'm just too lazy to put one on.

Lucille, just give me the sheet.

No, If I had all my sun suit,

you'd tell me I was getting fat again, so why bother?

Remember what you looked like last year?

Have a piece, it will sweeten your disposition.

Okay, dispatch, see if I care.

You care all right.

You'd like a streamline model to brag about.

I don't know what's gotten into you lately.

You've done such a sense of humor.

Which do you want, McCabe?

The sense of humor or a glamour girl?

I happen to like candy.

Yeah, and I like beer and sodas and mashed potatoes.

We worked hard for our dough.

What's the good of it if you can't enjoy life?

I can enjoy life without going in training for the fat lady in a sideshow.

You're awful crabby today. What'd you have for lunch?

I'm crabby? How about you?

I come home to hand you a laugh.

Something Wurdeman gave me.

What'd I get from you?

A caramel.

Well, I hope it was a big laugh.

That's Dick Tracy.

All right, so don't tell me.

[laughs]

Do you want to know what Wurdeman gave me?

I don't care if he gave you a black eye.

You're the one who'll get the black eye.

From Wurdeman?

He's not the type that'd make cracks about a lady.

A gentleman, huh?

Like your friend Max.

You should be such a gentleman, McCabe.

No gentleman would pull a gag like this.

Don't speak ill of the dead on the day of the funeral.

What's the gag?

[laughs]

What's so funny?

[laughs louder]

Most types would've been to be sore if someone said this about their wives.

Sure.

I would, too, if I believed it.

You're awful sure it's a gag.

I got a nose for it.

I can smell a gag ten miles away.

You might be surprised, McCabe.

You mean you and Max?

Yeah, don't try to kid me.

Oh, I didn't have class enough, huh?

Well, I'm not saying anything against you, but I'm a man.

I know what men go for.

Eskimos go for blubber.

He was no Eskimo.

Glass of beer or a romance.

Max would have only the best.

That's why he picked you for a friend, I suppose.

But didn't he?

From the very first moment we went, we were just like that.

Sure, at the stables.

Oh, you were all right for a judge of horse flash or a few laughs.

How do you like...

How do you like that?

I was over at his place all the time.

A poker game.

But did he ever ask you to dinner, or come to see us,

or invite you to his party, till he met me?

I'm not a woman.

I don't remember things like that.

Well, jog your memory.

You remember all right?

Hmm?

Me and Max?

You remember.

Think back.

[announcer narrating]

Come on, boy, come on!

Come on! Look at him! Come on boy, keep going.

I got 50 bucks on Slapper boy.

Come on boy go on your tail.

Shut up and sit down, will you? We're at a box, you ought to act like it.

Listen for my 50 bucks I got a right to yell.

Come on, keep going.

Most of these people 50 times spent to bet on a horse,

you see them them jumping up and yelling?

[all yelling]

[announcer continues narrating]

Slam her, boy.

A gentleman present with an amalgamated associate is looking at you.

What am I supposed to do, drop dead because associated amalgamated looks at me?

Amalgamated associate, you see amalgamated industries associate

with the government... no, associate amal...

They're one of my best customers smile for Pete's sake.

I bet you fifty bucks those two zombies are after some dough.

Don't point, with you it's always dough.

He does a lot of charity work for the members

of the committee, you can find one of them.

Not me my mother was scared by a committee.

Max Bard is here. Put it back on, your hat.

I can't see with it on.

Pretty dollars don't make a difference of whether you can see or not.

What would people think?

They come to see the horses not look at me.

What are you going to bet on? Thunder Fourth or Be Yourself?

That's Evan's wife. The long legged type, some class.

Too thin.

Put it back down he's looking at you.

What did he ever do that's so special I think in your money in poker.

For one thing he owns Glamour Boy.

Glamour Boy? If that's high society, excuse me.

- Where you're going? - To get a hot dog.

If you're hungry why don't you go to the club house and get a club sandwich?

I feel like a hot dog.

What do you think you are a seal beach?

Was it so bad then?

You make me crazy sometimes we worked hard all our lives,

we finally meet some classy people what do you do?

- Eat hot dogs. - Listen McCabe,

I started out in life selling popcorn.

And if my luck don't improve today it looks like I'll wind up that way too.

Uh-oh.

Associated amalgamated is calling you.

One dog without, one to here!

I'm telling the lady it's Thunder Fourth, look at the odds.

- I looked! - It's not my place

to pass an opinion madame

but I've worked the whole thing out mathematically and the odds are right.

I don't know that Thunder Fourth just don't appeal to me.

You got a better choice?

I got a feeling about Be Yourself.

A sticky feeling like you was close to the glue factory?

That's Be Yourself. [chuckles]

Take my word for it madame Be Yourself is a fool's gamble,

mathematics never fail.

Yeah? How many races did you win?

Cleaned up $432 this season, on paper.

I'm telling you, only the Stooks are putting their dough on Be Yourself.

He ain't got a Glimmer.

Forgive me for butting in sir, but you know that's only one man's opinion.

- Your dog, madame, without. - Thanks.

Okay, Jack. Do you want to join the Stooks?

The Stooks? Well, it sounds an admirable organization to me,

but I'm afraid I only join clubs when they become wildly unpopular.

I'm sorry.

My money's on Be Yourself. Don't take any tips from him.

He owns Glamour Boy.

I bought Glamour Boy on the advice

of one of the greatest horse racing experts in this country.

- Which one? - Your old man.

Oh! Ask his advice about women sometime.

He's an expert on that, too.

I noticed.

I don't blame him for keeping this filly a secret, do you?

Say, I think I'm going to like you.

- Same here. - Be Yourself, huh?

Always. It's going to cost you money, lady.

I'm warning you.

So you're Max Bard.

And you're Lucille McCabe.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Don't look now, but I think we're being followed.

Just protecting the lady's interest, Bard.

You've got exactly 45 seconds left to get your money down on the right horse.

- And we can place it for you. - Thank you for reminding me.

- I'll put 5 on the nose for you. - Why bother with the machine Jack?

I'm mechanically minded.

That pony ain't gonna put any bets down for your lady.

That's his racket why don't you give him the brush?

We happen to know the bonafide owner Glamour Boy.

Yeah and it ain't him now if you want to listen to...

Oh, there you are, I've been looking everywhere for you.

Just a minute Jack this lady and I was talking.

You happen to know this lady?

- Yeah, do you? - Slightly she's my wife.

- Oh. - Whoa.

The odds are that he will be surprised.

Club house ain't good enough for you, huh?

I'll leave you alone for a minute what do you do?

Associate with Flotsam and Jets.

How did you know their name?

- How did I... - Those two gentlemen

happen to be friends of mine.

So I see the kind of characters you'd expect in this environment.

- Hey Max. - Hey, Dan.

What are you doing here?

Hey I want you to meet my wife, I always wanted to get you together.

[announcer] Be Yourself.

Be Yourself!

[cheering]

I see you two have met.

Yes we ran into each other at the hot dog cart!

Would you like a bite?

No I, I gotta be going so...

- Your hat's on backwards. - Oh.

Oh, don't change it you couldn't look nicer until now.

Thank you.

I got bad news for you to seal,

I can't drive you home.

What's bad news about that, with the way you drive.

What happened associated amalgamated needs a free ride?

One of my associates Jonathan Rim

on the way over to Oakland he wants to talk over a deal.

It's Jonathan Rim, we all know him.

Well then, let me take you home I drive even worse than your husband.

You couldn't but you got a deal.

You don't have to bother she can take a cab, she's found her way home before.

You, by chance, coming to dinner?

I certainly am.

- Good. - See you later.

Come one, oh no, no.

Your wife huh?

I suppose you own two horses.

[singing carnival melody]

Did I wake you honey?

Fine time for a decent woman to be getting in.

I thought you'd been killed or something.

- I wasn't killed. - Where you've been?

- Having fun. - Fun, eh?

That man, Max, he's great, he is [chuckle.

I need that guy you want to know what he told me?

Yeah what?

Come on to bed, I'm tired.

[solemn music]

You don't want to hear my story.

We used to have so much fun together, you and me, remember?

What's the idea of getting me all worried, huh?

Were you worried, Dan?

Were you worried?

[chuckles]

[puppy barks]

Isn't he cute?

Max bought him for me.

Said he looks just like you.

[laughs]

Hurry up, will ya?

- Don't wait for me. - Why not?

Oh, that's how you're wasting your time, huh?

You used to yell at me because I dressed so fast.

Now I waste time.

- How do you like the outfit? - They're okay, come on.

I hope it's classy enough for you.

Max picked it out.

What are you putting that stuff on for?

You like it?

I suppose Max picked that out, too, huh?

His favorite.

Some taste he's got.

Come on, where we're going nobody will smell it.

- Why not? - It's obvious.

Where do you think I'm going?

To the stables, B's waiting to be fed.

Go on feed it, then.

You mean you're not coming?

Not today.

I got something more important.

More important than your own horse?

Forget it, you come with me.

I can't possibly.

Why is it so important?

I got a committee meeting.

I never thought I'd let you see the day when you did your own horse

for a bunch of female zombies.

You ain't putting on that perfume for them.

You want your wife to go out with society people, smelling of stable?

Well, why don't you get going?

You were in such a hurry.

I'll take you wherever you're going.

You needn't bother.

I'm getting picked up.

- By who? - By whom.

- By who? - The chairman of the committee.

What are you waiting for?

I thought your poor horse was starving.

What's worrying you?

One of the zombies might see you with the lower classes.

Don't answer that. here comes the chairman.

Must be two other zombies.

Hi, Max.

Taximan.

I thought you'd never get here.

Oh, darling, am I late? I'm so sorry.

Hello Dan.

I wasn't expecting to see you.

I thought you were going to a committee meeting.

Well, she is.

I'm the chairman.

Didn't you tell him?

What should I know?

It's going to be one of those long meetings, too, you know what it is.

Passing resolutions, seconding motions, boats of thanks, yak, yak, yak.

And I'm afraid that this ravishing creature,

she may not be home for dinner tonight.

- Hope you don't mind. - Oh, no.

That won't bother him.

He'd rather be with his horse.

Sure, with his horse.

Ah, well, [speaking french]

What's that?

- French. - Every man to his taste.

Close the door for me, will you.

Merci, monsieur.

Au revoir.

Aux, au revoir.

Merci.

French.

[speaking french]

It will rain tomorrow.

My uncle and I cannot go to the races.

Right.

[speaking french]

I'm not so stupid.

Oh, the skyscraper has 36 stories.

Right.

[speaking french]

My husband's sleeping.

He's had too much beer.

I talk French.

Okay, only be careful what you say around kids.

Oh, who cares?

- Just squeeze, en français. - Perfect.

Get that McCabe, just squeeze, en français.

Just squeeze cheese.

Leave me alone.

And I'm going to demonstrate a very famous continental custom.

Very elegant, watch me.

[blows]

[chuckles]

One continental custom coming up.

- Oh, wrong continent. - [laughs]

Hey! What's going on?

- Oh, look, Dan. - What?

Oh, the Oakland ferry.

So what?

Don't you remember?

Yeah, I remember, May 10, 1930.

What happened then?

We spent our honeymoon on that,

riding back and forth on the poor man's Atlantis.

Ah.

Why don't you tell it to a few more people, huh?

Get a megapop, broadcast it on the radio.

We were all young once, Dan.

Oh, was this one ever young?

Full of beans.

He was always going to take me traveling to Europe in places.

You ain't done so bad.

Yeah, but I always wanted to see the world.

The world got to California. Hey, come on, let's go.

No, I'm going to get you another beer, come on.

- I don't want to. - Go get it.

I'll drink it if he doesn't.

Do we always have to hang around here until the rooster crows?

- WE got a home. - Oh, don't be a big cow.

Okay, I'm a big cow.

But at the 3 a.m., I can't give milk.

I'm tired.

That's what you always say, just when I'm having fun.

I get up early and I work for a living.

So do a billion other people, they don't complain.

They do, but you don't hear them.

You're too busy running around a committee,

learning French, buying new dresses.

I thought that was the kind of wife you wanted, McCabe.

Oh, you're just in time.

I was getting thirsty from arguing with him.

Danny, boy, there's one rule in this house, no arguing.

- One beer coming up. - I ain't thirsty.

- Oh, come on, be a sport! - [Max mumbling]

Okay, I'm a sport.

Here's to you, Max.

To fun, Max.

To fun, frolic and jolly.

Hmm.

Honestly, we've had more darn fun this last year.

Haven't we, Dan?

Thanks to a certain person.

Remember that I cooked the goose.

[laughs]

[all speaking at the same time]

I got to thank you, pal.

You've got a real pal, pal.

I've got to thank you, Dan.

I've got to thank you for teaching my wife how to talk French.

I've got to thank you.

No, I've got to thank you...

No, I've got to thank you for teaching my wife how to act like a lady.

I've got to thank you for being the biggest sport that ever drew breath.

Yes, he is, isn't he?

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow! ♪

[all speaking at the same time]

What's the matter, honey? He's crying.

- Oh, don't cry, honey. - Poor chap.

Poor chap!

♪ Poor chap. ♪

♪ Poor chap. ♪

♪ He just couldn't understand. ♪

♪ The husband loved his little wife. ♪

♪ She ran off with a draper. ♪

♪ She didn't know how far she'd go to bed in the paper. ♪

Do your set Max.

♪ Poor chaps. ♪

♪ Poor chaps. ♪

♪ He just couldn't understand. ♪

♪ He was left with the paper as a mean incubator. ♪

♪ He was left with the paper in his hand. ♪

♪ Whoo! He was left with the paper in his hand. ♪

Whoo!

Paper in his hand.

Sucker.

You remember all right.

Well, ain't that great.

My wife.

After all I've done for you.

What for you when I met you?

Selling popcorn for a living.

And I didn't quit when we were married, remember, Dan?

You didn't have a cent.

Now look at you, real diamonds.

French perfume, $80 hats.

What are you doing? Carried dogs in them.

Do you thank me for it?

- Do you? - I'd thank you for quitting yelling.

Some to be a sucker and not say anything about it, huh?

Why, he's a boss.

He a nice fellow, Dan.

Have you heard what they're saying about Dan McCabe?

[laughs]

A little like this.

Most wives would take a thing like this seriously.

So would most husbands.

I do, I do.

What do you think?

Honey, God, oh, why, Dan, please, the neighbors.

Shut up, you.

I'm still a man in this house, and you'll be the wife the way I see it.

Or else, you'll get out.

Do I hear correctly?

You sure do.

There are some things no man will stand for, not if he's a man.

Some things no woman will stand for either.

Maybe you forget this is my home, too.

It is, huh?

Yeah, and I'll fight for it to the last toothpick.

Okay, so it's a fight.

You'll see.

Max would've paid for this house, huh?

It's not Dan McCabe.

Hey, where are you going, stupid?

To see a smart lawyer.

[door closes]

You can send this over now.

All right.

Good morning.

I'm Mrs. Evans.

I received a telegram.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Evans.

Isn't Mr. Evans with you?

He'll be along later, I hope.

The telegram is specifically asked for both of you.

Mr. Wurdeman will be upset.

Won't we all?

Jane!

Good morning, Mary.

Why do you...

I'm glad we finally reached you.

We couldn't get you at home.

I wasn't there.

Is your husband coming?

Did you tell his mother?

Oh, yes.

He's coming.

Well, good morning, all.

Lucille!

- Good morning, Mrs. McCabe. - Morning.

Where's Mr. McCabe?

I thought you might know. I don't.

Well, at least you ladies are here on time.

Mr. Wurdeman will appreciate that.

Promptness is one of his standards.

He'll be a few minutes late.

Will you step this way, please?

A committee meeting, huh?

I wonder what's cooking.

I don't know, but apparently our husbands are expected to.

Oh, now, no kidding Lucile, don't know where Danny is?

I thought I was sent for to talk over the case of McCabe versus McCabe.

Huh? A divorce?

You two?

Both of you?

So suddenly?

Last night, about 10 o'clock,

that big ape calls the butler and says to pack his things.

Not just his pajamas and toothbrush,

all his things and bring him someplace.

Didn't you ask the butler where?

I got pride, but I wish I'd had him followed.

Then this morning, I get Wurdeman's wire, I should be here.

You having trouble, too?

I left him.

It just couldn't be a coincidence.

No, it certainly wasn't.

We've been in training for a long time now.

No, no, I mean.

All three of them.

Not Arthur, too.

Arthur, too.

Well, at least you know where he is.

I certainly do.

Snoring in the living room couch.

He didn't come in till 4 am this morning.

He's been making the most incredible accusations.

He dived out of the house,

and I found him asleep in the couch this morning.

I left the telegram on his chest like a lily.

I wonder what's gotten into them all.

I don't know what's eating your boys, but Dan got a letter.

A letter?

Wurdeman gave it to him.

Kenneth saw Wurdeman, and Arthur did too.

Do you know what was in the letter?

Oh, nothing much.

Your boys couldn't have got the same news.

It was about me and Max.

Max and you?

You and Max?

In love?

Yeah.

What's so impossible about that.

It was clear.

You and my husband both.

Oh, that's what Arthur was so upset about.

Arthur suspected you?

[laughs]

Then why not?

A symphony concert.

Well, of course, you would feel that way, Arthur.

But afterwards, we had tea together.

We had tea together.

We certainly did.

But at his house, with always his man's day off.

You're both bragging.

How would you know?

Yeah, a kid like you.

Took care of him through four heart attacks.

I was with him day and night.

When the man's as sick as that, he's not interested in women.

He always gets me on through convalescence.

That's Max.

Good morning.

Good morning, girls.

- Hi. - Good morning.

I'm sorry to be late,

but I was late in conference with the divorce case.

I believe the others are here.

Won't you come into the library?

And the bequests of the aforementioned organizations

and institutions to be distributed in the manner provided

for in paragraph 12 of this last will and testament.

I think you'll find that what follows will interest you more.

To Matilda Clegg,

for the development of her unique talents,

tuition for two years and living expenses

provided the beneficiary studies and takes a president in Paris, France.

And to my cousin, Jenny Bard Whitaker,

our grandfather's house and property in Columbus, Ohio,

providing she takes up immediate residence there.

We'll contain only two more clauses.

I'll leave the first clause first.

Naturally.

The remainder of my estate is to be rewarded equally

among my dearly beloved friends,

Jane Evans, Mary Whitaker,

and Lucille McCabe.

[talking over each other]

But It's not right.

They were nothing to him.

We are the next of kin.

His will, Mother.

Oh, you ought to be angry.

You are cheated.

That man was so high up.

If he thinks I intend to return.

We are going to fight this to the end, son.

Don't worry.

I won't take the money.

Don't be crazy, Mary.

Max meant you to have it.

I'm rich.

Me and McCabe.

Please, please.

Now, if you'll allow me, I'll continue.

In making these requests,

I'm expressing my belief that women are better wives

if they are not dependent on the peccadillos,

the weaknesses,

the whims, and pretensions

of their husbands.

There are no provisions or restrictions attached to these requests.

The legacies may be used as the beneficiaries' see fit,

either to enhance their marriages or to make themselves

independent of financial restraint.

To my friends, Arthur Evans,

Kenneth Whitaker, and Daniel J. McCabe,

I solemnly bequeath the good news that the confidential letters

delivered to them yesterday.

Were written for the best purpose of causing them grief and disturbance.

So that they reconsider the charms and virtues

of their respective wives better to appreciate them.

And the additional information that said letters

being intentional fabrications are false,

deceitful, and untrue.

That's all, thank you.

I think it was all.

It's the most ridiculous will I've ever heard of my life.

Not going to be the end.

I assure you.

I assure you!

I want to talk to you, Ed.

Oh, I'm sorry.

My wife's waiting for me.

I only want to ask you one question.

That divorce complaint, you talked about before,

is it Dan McCabe?

- No, your husband is not my client. - Then I am.

Jane!

Oh Arthur I'm so glad I caught you, I must talk to you.

Couldn't we talk about this later?

What I'm about to say may affect the course of our entire life.

Mary, I've got to talk to you.

Oh, let me go.

You don't have to act like an heiress so soon.

I don't want the money.

Then at least you can listen to me.

[whimsical music]

Hey, hey, hey, what's the idea changing the lock on me, I couldn't get in.

That's your idea of a gag or something?

I didn't want you in my house.

Your house?

Okay, get technical I suppose that's the advice of your lawyer.

I'm filing a counter suit.

I'm the one that's got the grounds.

Not so loud McCabe what will people think.

Let me tell you what I think.

Now I hope you'll understand why I've arrived this tragic conclusion.

I couldn't come between the man and his children.

- And his wife. - No.

Time will heal our wounds.

If that's the way you want it, Matilda.

We must face it bravely.

- This is Goodbye. - Goodbye, Matilda.

Arthur.

Now that the economic barrier is removed

I feel it's only fair that you should have your freedom.

I'll see my lawyer in the morning.

If that's the way you want it, Jane.

There's just one thing I'd like cleared up before I go ahead.

You believed that letter of Maxwell, didn't you.

No, not for a minute.

Don't lie, you called me a Jezebel. Why?

All right I did, I believed it, I was jealous.

You were?

Oh thank you darling that's wonderful.

[romantic music]

Oh, Darling.

You don't have to be jealous of any man before we met or...

since we're married or ever.

[whimsical music]

I have nothing...

Didn’t you tell me that all of it was true?

You confessed on your own free will, didn't you?

Didn't you?

You must be sleeping McCabe, I thought you could spot a gag a mile off.

Then it was a gag you and him made it up just to fool me, huh?

[speaking french]

- What's that? - French.

What's it mean?

You'll have to wait and ask Max.

If I were a lawyer, I'd get rid of my clients rather keep my wife waiting.

- Here, take these. - Yes, dear...

Wait a minute I want you to tell me something truthfully.

How well did you know Max?

Main floor.

[whimsical music]

[all laughing]

[mellow music]