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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,417 --> 00:00:13,916 - Room check! - Oh, shit. 2 00:00:13,917 --> 00:00:17,083 - One second! - Come on. Open up. 3 00:00:17,625 --> 00:00:20,041 All right, where's the drugs? 4 00:00:20,042 --> 00:00:22,291 Drugs? What are drugs? 5 00:00:22,292 --> 00:00:24,583 Search her room! Find them! 6 00:00:26,208 --> 00:00:30,167 Come on, come on. Let's go, let's go. 7 00:00:31,958 --> 00:00:35,792 Shirts, pants, socks. Shirts, pants. That's good! 8 00:00:39,250 --> 00:00:40,667 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 9 00:00:42,458 --> 00:00:44,292 Oh, my! 10 00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:48,207 Move! 11 00:00:48,208 --> 00:00:51,000 - Excuse me. Sorry. - My yogurt! 12 00:00:53,958 --> 00:00:55,666 - What the fuck? - Sorry. 13 00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:56,667 Fucking asshole. 14 00:01:00,708 --> 00:01:02,332 Oh, man, start. 15 00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:04,375 Come on. 16 00:01:07,375 --> 00:01:08,375 Come on. 17 00:01:26,417 --> 00:01:28,167 Oh. Excuse me. 18 00:01:29,708 --> 00:01:31,291 Yeah? 19 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,707 Yeah, do you by any chance have any extra quarters? 20 00:01:33,708 --> 00:01:36,082 Oh. Um, let me check. 21 00:01:37,792 --> 00:01:39,541 Yeah. 22 00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:48,583 Thanks. Your name's Montgomery, right? 23 00:01:49,333 --> 00:01:53,000 Yeah, and your name's Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray? 24 00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:56,499 - That is all four of them, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. 25 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:58,833 Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray, like, it just kind of falls out. 26 00:01:59,667 --> 00:02:03,792 You know, it's funny, I feel like we are always here at the exact same time. 27 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,917 Well, no one's got dirtier undies than me. 28 00:02:08,750 --> 00:02:10,583 Not from poop, to be clear. 29 00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:13,291 - Or come. - So piss? 30 00:02:13,292 --> 00:02:15,333 No, just normal stuff. I'm not weird. 31 00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:24,875 Okay. 32 00:02:25,542 --> 00:02:26,625 I'll see you around. 33 00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:37,667 ♪ Makin' it ♪ 34 00:02:38,417 --> 00:02:39,667 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ 35 00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:41,500 ♪ Makin' it ♪ 36 00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:47,457 ♪ I'm solid gold, I've got the goods ♪ 37 00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:51,291 ♪ They stand when I walk Through the neighborhoods ♪ 38 00:02:51,292 --> 00:02:53,666 ♪ I'm makin' it ♪ 39 00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:56,958 - ♪ I've got the chance, I'm takin' it ♪ - Hey, guys. How are you? It's good to-- 40 00:02:57,583 --> 00:03:00,999 ♪ No more, no more, fakin' it ♪ 41 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,999 - ♪ This time in life, I'm makin' it ♪ - I'm sorry. I'm… 42 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,250 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ 43 00:03:06,875 --> 00:03:07,875 ♪ Makin' it ♪ 44 00:03:08,583 --> 00:03:10,250 Eat shit. 45 00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:16,457 ♪ Hello uptown, goodbye pover-- ♪ 46 00:03:16,458 --> 00:03:19,292 That's what you get for ruining the football team, asshole. 47 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,874 ♪ I'm makin' it ♪ 48 00:03:21,875 --> 00:03:22,958 Hi. 49 00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:24,874 Oh. 50 00:03:24,875 --> 00:03:26,875 Fuck yourself and your freak-ass face. 51 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,333 ♪ I'm takin' it ♪ 52 00:03:30,042 --> 00:03:33,291 ♪ No more, no more fakin' it ♪ 53 00:03:33,292 --> 00:03:34,374 ♪ This time-- ♪ 54 00:03:34,375 --> 00:03:35,541 There he is! 55 00:03:35,542 --> 00:03:36,957 Oh, fuck! 56 00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:41,958 No! No! No! 57 00:03:42,458 --> 00:03:43,957 - Somebody grab him! - Freak-ass! 58 00:03:43,958 --> 00:03:45,957 - Freak-ass Face! - Rip off his skin! 59 00:03:45,958 --> 00:03:48,333 All right, everybody, fuck off and listen to me for a second, please! 60 00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:56,375 I know you're upset about what happened with the football team. 61 00:03:58,542 --> 00:03:59,792 I'm sorry. 62 00:04:01,042 --> 00:04:05,666 But who amongst us all hasn't ever made a mistake? 63 00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,874 We all have. 64 00:04:07,875 --> 00:04:12,791 So if you don't think that I deserve the basic human decency 65 00:04:12,792 --> 00:04:15,125 of a second chance, then fine, go ahead. 66 00:04:16,083 --> 00:04:17,582 Tape me to the top of that clock tower 67 00:04:17,583 --> 00:04:21,499 and pelt me with water balloons full of piss. But if not… 68 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:22,917 Goddamn it. 69 00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:40,708 Hey, Jack. 70 00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:43,624 Hi, Monty. How was your day? 71 00:04:43,625 --> 00:04:44,792 Uh. 72 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:47,249 Not great. How was yours? 73 00:04:47,250 --> 00:04:48,832 I'm covered in piss. 74 00:04:48,833 --> 00:04:50,457 - I'm sorry. - It's okay. 75 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,249 You know what's gonna make it all better? 76 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:54,332 - Quiet night of sleep. - A concerning amount of alcohol. 77 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:56,708 - Let's boogie. - Oh, wow, we said very different things. 78 00:04:57,625 --> 00:05:00,041 Housing requests due by midnight. 79 00:05:00,042 --> 00:05:01,916 Guys, housing requests due by midnight. 80 00:05:01,917 --> 00:05:04,957 Montgomery and Jack, email your housing request in by midnight. 81 00:05:04,958 --> 00:05:07,208 - Also, Jack, go fuck yourself. - Hmm? Ah. 82 00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:12,457 Where do you want to live next year? 83 00:05:12,458 --> 00:05:16,500 Should we do Orrick Tower, Stonewell Court, or… 84 00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:18,167 Ugh. 85 00:05:19,083 --> 00:05:21,291 As long as it's not Gralk Hall. 86 00:05:21,292 --> 00:05:23,750 That place is literal hell. You know what I mean? 87 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,749 Come on, dude, stop hiding. Just ask her out. 88 00:05:29,750 --> 00:05:32,124 - Are you nuts? No. - Why? 89 00:05:32,125 --> 00:05:34,041 Girls like Ashley don't like guys like me. 90 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:37,582 - What's wrong with you? - I'm weird. I sound like a little old man. 91 00:05:37,583 --> 00:05:41,707 Girls like alphas. Strong provider-types like him. 92 00:05:43,958 --> 00:05:46,874 - Hot. - So that's why I'm gonna trick her 93 00:05:46,875 --> 00:05:48,582 into thinking I'm an alpha, 94 00:05:48,583 --> 00:05:50,500 and then she'll ask me out. 95 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,499 Wow. That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. 96 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:54,832 It's not creepy, it's sweet. 97 00:05:54,833 --> 00:05:56,832 You barely know her. You may not even actually like her. 98 00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:57,999 Of course I like her. 99 00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,624 When I think of the two of us together… 100 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:01,457 …it feels like I'm floating 101 00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:05,667 on a cloud of lavender while being sung to by lollipop pixies. 102 00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:10,000 Never mind. That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. 103 00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:12,750 Stop staring at her. 104 00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:19,957 It's time to take this 105 00:06:19,958 --> 00:06:23,500 and put it into this so we can turn off this. 106 00:06:24,042 --> 00:06:26,291 - Look at her. Exquisite, right? - Whoa. 107 00:06:26,292 --> 00:06:27,708 - Dang. - Give her a touch. 108 00:06:28,292 --> 00:06:29,457 Give her a stroke. 109 00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:31,791 Perv. Wanna give a toast? 110 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:36,166 Ah, may the crop grow strong, and your pants stay up, and the night… 111 00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:37,457 Don't worry, man, I got this shit. 112 00:06:37,458 --> 00:06:39,582 To turning around this shitty day. 113 00:06:41,583 --> 00:06:42,958 - Oh, fuck. - Crud. 114 00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:45,000 Logan. 115 00:06:46,125 --> 00:06:47,207 What's up, dildos? 116 00:06:47,208 --> 00:06:49,416 - Can we please not do this tonight? - Relax. 117 00:06:49,417 --> 00:06:52,207 I know that we come in here every weekend, 118 00:06:52,208 --> 00:06:56,750 we hold you down and we fart in your faces for what you did to the football team, 119 00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:03,250 but we have taken some time to reflect and we decided to apologize. 120 00:07:05,042 --> 00:07:07,541 Wow. Really? 121 00:07:07,542 --> 00:07:09,999 No, we came to fart on your faces! 122 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,207 - Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. - Pin him down. 123 00:07:14,583 --> 00:07:16,249 Come here. 124 00:07:16,250 --> 00:07:17,499 I'm gonna fart in your face. 125 00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:19,624 I will never fucking accept this shit. Fuck! 126 00:07:19,625 --> 00:07:21,207 I'll save you the trouble. Right here okay? 127 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,416 - That's perfect. Thanks. - Every week. So fucking harsh. 128 00:07:23,417 --> 00:07:25,791 - Fuck you. Fuck off. - Buddy, you know the drill. 129 00:07:25,792 --> 00:07:26,874 Oh. Oh. Oh. 130 00:07:26,875 --> 00:07:30,041 - It's okay, Jack. Think happy thoughts. - Shut up, Montgomery. 131 00:07:30,042 --> 00:07:31,666 Open wide, pookie. 132 00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:36,124 No! No! No! 133 00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:37,582 Oh, shit. 134 00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,374 Hey, dumbass, mind if I borrow your charger? 135 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,707 Oh, I should warn you, it's actually a third-party charger, 136 00:07:41,708 --> 00:07:43,541 and it's technically against the terms of service 137 00:07:43,542 --> 00:07:44,624 - to use it. - Shut up. 138 00:07:44,625 --> 00:07:48,207 Dude, this pajama party tonight is gonna be so sick. 139 00:07:48,208 --> 00:07:49,707 - Pre-game at my place? - Totally. 140 00:07:49,708 --> 00:07:50,832 - I got beer. - Nice. 141 00:07:50,833 --> 00:07:52,416 - I got some weed. - Swag. 142 00:07:52,417 --> 00:07:54,833 And I'm bringing Wizard's Oath. 143 00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:57,708 What? 144 00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:01,291 It's a fantasy board game. 145 00:08:01,292 --> 00:08:03,499 It's actually really fun. 146 00:08:05,458 --> 00:08:07,207 That was refreshing, dawg. 147 00:08:07,208 --> 00:08:09,207 I feel, like, a pound lighter. 148 00:08:10,708 --> 00:08:11,832 All right. Let's bounce. 149 00:08:11,833 --> 00:08:13,458 Oh! What the fuck? 150 00:08:14,583 --> 00:08:16,207 Your charger fried my phone. 151 00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:18,417 Well, I did warn you it's a third-party charger. 152 00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:21,541 Break my phone, huh? 153 00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,791 - How about I break your bottle? - Oh, shit. 154 00:08:23,792 --> 00:08:28,416 No! 155 00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:30,416 Look at his freak-ass face. 156 00:08:30,417 --> 00:08:32,749 - Losers. - Later, dickheads! 157 00:08:32,750 --> 00:08:34,749 Oh. Oh. Oh. 158 00:08:34,750 --> 00:08:36,542 Just give us a fucking break. 159 00:08:43,042 --> 00:08:44,042 Lizzy! 160 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,332 - Fuck! - Ugh. 161 00:08:52,333 --> 00:08:53,666 Fuck all those guys. 162 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,166 God, I hope I don't get pink eye again. 163 00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,832 This whole night's fucking ruined. 164 00:08:56,833 --> 00:08:58,582 Well, maybe it's for the best. 165 00:08:58,583 --> 00:09:01,416 I was gonna start Lysander on a new brand of nectar tonight, 166 00:09:01,417 --> 00:09:05,291 - and he gets temperamental. - No! No! 167 00:09:05,292 --> 00:09:06,999 I can't stand another night 168 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:10,583 listening to you talk about the dietary restrictions of your pet butterfly. 169 00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:12,999 We're in college, Monty. 170 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,291 These are supposed to be the best years of our lives. 171 00:09:15,292 --> 00:09:16,292 Look at me. 172 00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:19,166 I'm the type of guy who's built for a place like this, dude. 173 00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,916 I could be ruling the school. 174 00:09:20,917 --> 00:09:23,582 I should be doing Jell-O shots and sparkler keg stands, 175 00:09:23,583 --> 00:09:24,583 but everyone hates me. 176 00:09:25,458 --> 00:09:27,208 - W-Well, not me. - You don't count. 177 00:09:29,750 --> 00:09:31,416 Okay, I know what you need. 178 00:09:31,417 --> 00:09:33,666 I'm ordering us a pizza. 179 00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:39,000 Because no matter how bad things are, pizza makes everything a little better. 180 00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:43,874 Remember first semester when we ate pizza and played games all night-- 181 00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:45,874 Stop. What are you doing? You don't get to do a speech. 182 00:09:45,875 --> 00:09:47,624 I'm doing a speech. I'm sad. 183 00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:49,791 Plus, pizza is not gonna do anything for me, man. 184 00:09:49,792 --> 00:09:51,625 I need something to obliterate my brain! 185 00:09:55,958 --> 00:09:56,958 What's this? 186 00:09:59,375 --> 00:10:00,375 "M.I.N.T.S."? 187 00:10:12,042 --> 00:10:13,667 Oh, my God. 188 00:10:15,042 --> 00:10:16,375 These are drugs. 189 00:10:19,250 --> 00:10:22,457 No. No. No! 190 00:10:22,458 --> 00:10:23,957 - Come on! - Are you insane? 191 00:10:23,958 --> 00:10:26,374 - What are the odds of this? - I'm not doing random ceiling drugs. 192 00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:28,000 - We don't even know what they are. - Fine. 193 00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:30,417 We'll do some research. Hmm? 194 00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:39,958 Drugs, pink pill, exploding head. What the fuck? 195 00:10:40,958 --> 00:10:43,542 - One result? - That's shady. 196 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:46,499 ♪ Om ♪ 197 00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:50,707 Tidings, psychedelic adventurers. It's me, Frankie Of Course. 198 00:10:50,708 --> 00:10:52,374 - ♪ Frankie ♪ - ♪ Of course ♪ 199 00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:54,207 Her green screen sucks. 200 00:10:54,208 --> 00:10:58,124 I'll be your cosmic captain on this journey today. 201 00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:01,666 Please keep your vibes inside the vehicle at all times. 202 00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:05,957 Wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo! 203 00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,583 - Skip ahead. - Yeah, I'm gonna skip ahead. 204 00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:11,499 I dated Mickey Rourke. It was fine. 205 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:12,667 - Keep going forward. - All right. 206 00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:18,916 Mind Igniting Neural Tuning Stimulants, or M.I.N.T.S. 207 00:11:18,917 --> 00:11:20,791 That is dangerously misleading. 208 00:11:20,792 --> 00:11:24,082 This drug will give you an incredible high. 209 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,624 - Ha! - How would I describe it? 210 00:11:26,625 --> 00:11:30,624 It makes you feel like you're floating on a cloud of lavender 211 00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:34,083 being sung to by lollipop pixies. 212 00:11:35,292 --> 00:11:37,708 Dude, that's exactly your thing. 213 00:11:39,083 --> 00:11:40,166 - No. - Come on. 214 00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:41,791 - No. No. No. - Come on. Come on. Come on. 215 00:11:41,792 --> 00:11:42,916 - No. No. - Come on. Come on. 216 00:11:42,917 --> 00:11:44,124 - I love you. - I love you too. 217 00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:46,499 - Come on. Please. I'll do anything. - No. No. No. 218 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,042 - Really? - No! Jack, the answer is no. 219 00:11:55,625 --> 00:11:58,083 And now we wait. 220 00:12:01,875 --> 00:12:04,750 Drugs. Alcohol. 221 00:12:05,250 --> 00:12:06,792 Debauchery. 222 00:12:07,292 --> 00:12:12,917 Every year our school sinks deeper into a swamp of vice and buffoonery. 223 00:12:13,708 --> 00:12:15,249 Until now. 224 00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,542 Welcome, fellow RAs. 225 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:30,457 For weeks, we have been preparing for tonight 226 00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:35,332 to rain fiery vengeance upon the drug-addled delinquents 227 00:12:35,333 --> 00:12:39,583 that have turned this dorm into a waking nightmare. 228 00:12:40,708 --> 00:12:42,042 There will be no mercy. 229 00:12:42,542 --> 00:12:45,375 Order will be restored. 230 00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:50,207 And those who have violated our rules shall be shattered 231 00:12:50,208 --> 00:12:51,958 on the anvil of discipline. 232 00:12:53,417 --> 00:12:54,666 Are you with me? 233 00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:55,999 Yes, Resident Adviser! 234 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,416 …Adviser! Yes! 235 00:12:57,417 --> 00:12:59,541 Oh. 236 00:12:59,542 --> 00:13:03,082 Sorry, I'm new, just out of sync. I'm new. 237 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,167 This guy didn't tell me about the call and response. 238 00:13:05,958 --> 00:13:08,792 I wouldn't. It's very scary. 239 00:13:10,542 --> 00:13:11,708 Let's move out. 240 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:16,082 And then I'm like, "Guys, don't worry, I'm not gonna fart in your faces." 241 00:13:16,083 --> 00:13:19,166 And then I fucking farted in his face, dude! 242 00:13:19,167 --> 00:13:21,582 Those guys fucking blow. 243 00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:24,041 Those guys fucking blow. 244 00:13:24,042 --> 00:13:28,042 Yeah, those guys fucking blow. 245 00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:29,875 They are funny though. 246 00:13:31,042 --> 00:13:34,000 What? Did you just say they're funny? 247 00:13:35,083 --> 00:13:36,582 No. 248 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,167 Why would I say that? 249 00:13:40,875 --> 00:13:42,791 Anyway, let's get fucked up! 250 00:13:42,792 --> 00:13:46,208 Oh, my-- Lizzy! 251 00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:51,624 - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - It's fine. 252 00:13:57,625 --> 00:14:00,416 - Oh, man, I'm tired. - Yeah, it's late. 253 00:14:00,417 --> 00:14:02,042 - I also am tired. - Me too. 254 00:14:02,625 --> 00:14:04,000 Maybe we should call it a night. 255 00:14:04,833 --> 00:14:06,582 Hey, Lizzy, you're closest to the door. 256 00:14:06,583 --> 00:14:09,750 Why don't you just leave first and the rest of us will follow? 257 00:14:12,542 --> 00:14:13,958 Okay, sure. Yeah. 258 00:14:15,250 --> 00:14:16,250 See you around. 259 00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:21,332 Hey, remember when I said I wasn't gonna fart in their faces, 260 00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:22,999 but then I did fart in their faces? 261 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,125 You know, I guess I'll just cancel this party bus that I got for us. 262 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:29,166 - Party bus? - I ordered us 263 00:14:29,167 --> 00:14:31,624 this totally awesome party bus as a surprise, 264 00:14:31,625 --> 00:14:33,874 but if you're tired, then I'll just cancel it. 265 00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:36,917 No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Do not cancel it. 266 00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:39,624 I feel like I'm getting a second wind. 267 00:14:39,625 --> 00:14:42,041 - Yeah, me too. - I also am no longer tired. 268 00:14:42,042 --> 00:14:43,124 Can I get a… 269 00:14:43,125 --> 00:14:46,791 Lizzy, Lizzy, 270 00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:57,916 Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy! 271 00:14:57,917 --> 00:14:59,582 You fucking rule, dude! 272 00:14:59,583 --> 00:15:01,207 You think I can honk the horn? 273 00:15:24,542 --> 00:15:26,124 You feel anything? 274 00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,208 No. Wait. 275 00:15:31,375 --> 00:15:33,292 - No. - Fuck. 276 00:15:33,792 --> 00:15:37,416 - These duds? - I guess so. Wanna play Wizard's Oath? 277 00:15:37,417 --> 00:15:39,582 No, we can't. We need three people. 278 00:15:39,583 --> 00:15:40,791 I could play. 279 00:15:40,792 --> 00:15:42,542 No, it'd take too long to teach you the rules. 280 00:15:46,875 --> 00:15:47,875 Oh, no. 281 00:15:52,292 --> 00:15:53,542 Somebody, help! 282 00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,791 - Are you ready, kids? - Yes! 283 00:15:57,792 --> 00:15:59,749 Here we go. 284 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,832 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 285 00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:05,041 - ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ - Why are our hands singing? 286 00:16:05,042 --> 00:16:06,625 ♪ No one's gonna die today ♪ 287 00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:09,208 Oh. 288 00:16:10,958 --> 00:16:11,958 Hey. 289 00:16:12,958 --> 00:16:14,707 - You seeing this? - He's moving. 290 00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:16,750 - He's coming towards us. - He's getting real close. Oof. 291 00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:19,749 - He wants me to shake his hand. - Just go for it. Yeah. 292 00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:21,041 Oh! 293 00:16:21,042 --> 00:16:22,791 - He touched my nipple! - Hey, what the fuck, man? 294 00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:23,917 Stop! 295 00:16:24,542 --> 00:16:26,208 Hola. My name is Juan. 296 00:16:27,083 --> 00:16:28,125 - Nice to meet you. - Hi. 297 00:16:29,208 --> 00:16:31,707 - Is that a fucking baby? - The baby does not like your work. 298 00:16:31,708 --> 00:16:32,791 - Mm-mmm. - Do it again. 299 00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:37,416 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 300 00:16:37,417 --> 00:16:39,167 - This again? - ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 301 00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:42,333 - Fuck. No. Back up. - No. Please stay over there. 302 00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:45,749 - Don't do it. - I don't want to be impolite. 303 00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:47,749 - What? - Oh, he did it again. 304 00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:49,624 - What did you expect? - Stop! 305 00:16:49,625 --> 00:16:51,457 She hates it. Do it again. 306 00:16:52,917 --> 00:16:54,249 ♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice ♪ 307 00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:55,666 - ♪ Happy, nice, happy, nice ♪ - Hey! 308 00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:57,999 - No, not again! - ♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice ♪ 309 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,957 - Again. - ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 310 00:16:59,958 --> 00:17:02,957 - ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ - He's gone. No! No! 311 00:17:02,958 --> 00:17:04,332 - ♪ No one's gonna die today ♪ - Again. 312 00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:06,707 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 313 00:17:06,708 --> 00:17:08,041 - ♪ Everything's happy… ♪ - Again. 314 00:17:08,042 --> 00:17:10,541 - ♪ No one's gonna die today ♪ - I don't want this anymore! 315 00:17:10,542 --> 00:17:11,791 - Fuck you, baby! - Again! 316 00:17:11,792 --> 00:17:13,874 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 317 00:17:13,875 --> 00:17:17,292 ♪ Someone's gonna die today We're all gonna die today ♪ 318 00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:21,166 She likes it. The baby likes it. 319 00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:29,917 Why are we in the fucking shower? 320 00:17:34,333 --> 00:17:36,124 Well, the good news is the drugs work. 321 00:17:36,125 --> 00:17:39,999 Oh, do they? None of that felt like a gentle cloud of lavender. 322 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,333 I just got molested by Pinocchio's cousin. 323 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,582 Did that happen? I think I already repressed that. 324 00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:47,917 All right, we gotta figure out what this stuff is. 325 00:17:48,708 --> 00:17:50,332 Lysander, no, get out of there. 326 00:17:50,333 --> 00:17:52,458 Crate! No drugs for you. 327 00:17:56,083 --> 00:18:00,166 You feel like you're floating on a cloud of lavender 328 00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:04,124 - being sung to by lollipop pixies… - 329 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,832 - …so long as you take it with food. - What? 330 00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:10,124 Without food, the drug has six distinct phases 331 00:18:10,125 --> 00:18:13,041 punctuated by normal periods of lucidity. 332 00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:15,916 First is a prologue called "Make the Baby Like It." 333 00:18:15,917 --> 00:18:17,124 Definitely did that one. 334 00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,291 Then, "No Bad Words," 335 00:18:19,292 --> 00:18:20,541 "Flashbacks," 336 00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:22,666 "The Ol' Switcheroo," 337 00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:23,917 "Nothing But The Truth," 338 00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:26,541 and "We Are All One." 339 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,832 - What's that? - It's my WorryWart. It calms me down. 340 00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:35,833 Gotta say I'm pretty dang proud of myself for making these drugs. 341 00:18:36,417 --> 00:18:39,125 I made them right here in my dorm room, 3J. 342 00:18:39,958 --> 00:18:43,999 - Oh, shit. Sorry. - Wait, is that this room? 343 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,166 I know I'm still in college, but don't worry, I'm a chemistry genius, okay? 344 00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:49,791 - That's good. - I mean, hell, 345 00:18:49,792 --> 00:18:53,667 I frigging built these cabinets using my own homemade epoxy. 346 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,374 We're gonna die. 347 00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:00,916 A few important things before I forget. 348 00:19:00,917 --> 00:19:04,374 One, do not take more than a single dose. 349 00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:08,707 If you do, you will see the true horrible nature of reality. 350 00:19:08,708 --> 00:19:09,874 What does that mean? 351 00:19:09,875 --> 00:19:14,457 And two, there is a final phase that I didn't yet mention. 352 00:19:14,458 --> 00:19:15,832 It's called: 353 00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:21,541 "Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass." 354 00:19:21,542 --> 00:19:23,541 What? 355 00:19:23,542 --> 00:19:26,042 My boyfriend Garrett went through it, and look what happened to him. 356 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:30,458 Anyway, if you don't want that to happen to you, eat some food. 357 00:19:31,875 --> 00:19:37,458 And by food, I mean specifically a mixture of wheat, nightshades, and dairy. 358 00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:40,791 - So pizza? - Yeah, it's pizza, dum-dums. 359 00:19:40,792 --> 00:19:42,207 Happy sailing. 360 00:19:42,208 --> 00:19:44,874 Hope you don't get chainsaw fucked! 361 00:19:44,875 --> 00:19:47,333 Wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo 362 00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:51,624 "Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass"? 363 00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,374 - Okay. - Cheese and rice! 364 00:19:53,375 --> 00:19:56,499 I just wanted a quiet night and now I'm gonna get chainsaw fucked 365 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,249 - by the Rat King from The Nutcracker. - Chill, dude. 366 00:19:58,250 --> 00:20:01,499 It's not gonna… Wait, your worst nightmare is the Rat King from The Nut-- 367 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:05,041 From the New Jersey Ballet's 2007 production of The Nutcracker. 368 00:20:05,042 --> 00:20:06,125 You haven't seen it. 369 00:20:06,792 --> 00:20:09,541 - It's terrifying. - It's not gonna happen, okay? 370 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,249 What did she say? It'll mellow out when we have some pizza. 371 00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:15,208 And look, there it is right now. 372 00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:21,541 Hello, sir, can you please bring the pizza directly to room 3J with extreme haste? 373 00:20:21,542 --> 00:20:24,416 Hello. 374 00:20:24,417 --> 00:20:26,667 I am Snackatron 3000. 375 00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:32,749 I have arrived at your location with a food delivery for Montgomery 376 00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:34,124 from the restaurant… 377 00:20:34,125 --> 00:20:36,499 What do I say, the name of the pizza place? 378 00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:39,249 Okay, it's Joe's Pizza. 379 00:20:39,250 --> 00:20:40,999 It's a fucking robot. 380 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,791 Actually, I'm a Snackatron. 381 00:20:42,792 --> 00:20:47,208 3J. Bring the pizza to 3J now. 382 00:20:47,875 --> 00:20:51,582 I am sorry, but there is a set of stairs impeding my journey. 383 00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:54,541 Stairs are my mortal enemy. 384 00:20:54,542 --> 00:20:56,666 To receive your pizza from… 385 00:20:56,667 --> 00:20:59,582 I got to record this again? Joe's-- 386 00:20:59,583 --> 00:21:05,167 …I'm afraid you will need to meet me in the lobby. 387 00:21:08,792 --> 00:21:10,749 I hope you will be satisfied with your order. 388 00:21:10,750 --> 00:21:12,707 No, Snackatron, I will not be satisfied. 389 00:21:12,708 --> 00:21:14,832 No, there's no way we're going out there. 390 00:21:14,833 --> 00:21:16,916 Ashley's out there, RAs, and who knows what else! 391 00:21:16,917 --> 00:21:20,833 Hey, it's gonna be fine, dude. It's just two flights of stairs, right? 392 00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:23,625 Come on, I'm gonna be with you the whole time. 393 00:21:26,083 --> 00:21:27,792 Yeah, yeah. 394 00:21:28,292 --> 00:21:29,499 ♪ Watch how I walk ♪ 395 00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:31,332 ♪ If you wanna chat to me Watch how you talk ♪ 396 00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,499 ♪ Leave my legacy Leave my mark ♪ 397 00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,542 ♪ On top Best know I'm the boss ♪ 398 00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:43,375 Why are you wearing a suit? 399 00:21:43,917 --> 00:21:45,333 I don't want people to know I'm high. 400 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,124 - Smart. - So what's our plan? 401 00:21:49,125 --> 00:21:50,999 Okay, it's simple. 402 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,166 We take the elevator down, we grab the pizza, we eat it, 403 00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:58,499 and then we're floating on a cloud of lavender before the next phase even hits. 404 00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:00,207 - You ready? - Yes. 405 00:22:00,208 --> 00:22:03,125 - I don't know. Okay, yes. - Great. 406 00:22:04,542 --> 00:22:06,375 Then let's do this fucking-- 407 00:22:12,333 --> 00:22:14,541 What? What? Oh, my gosh. 408 00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:16,082 Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, are you okay? 409 00:22:16,083 --> 00:22:18,000 - Yeah, I think, I think, I think. - What the fuck? 410 00:22:24,375 --> 00:22:27,999 Why are our heads exploding? What in the absolute hell? 411 00:22:30,417 --> 00:22:31,666 Fuck! 412 00:22:33,292 --> 00:22:38,082 Okay. Okay. Just don't do anything. 413 00:22:38,083 --> 00:22:39,166 I'm not doing anything. 414 00:22:39,167 --> 00:22:41,792 I think our heads explode if we say curse words. 415 00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:45,333 Goddamn it. 416 00:22:46,083 --> 00:22:47,375 No! 417 00:22:47,958 --> 00:22:50,832 Fine, okay, I'll just say, like, dang it. 418 00:22:51,917 --> 00:22:53,083 Darn it. 419 00:22:53,708 --> 00:22:56,125 All right, I'll make up my own. 420 00:22:57,167 --> 00:23:00,083 - Cremble sauce. - We can't say cremble sauce? 421 00:23:01,583 --> 00:23:06,416 Okay, just stay super G-rated. Let's get to the elevator. 422 00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:10,291 Hey, it's Freak-ass Face. 423 00:23:10,292 --> 00:23:11,958 Hey, suck my dick. 424 00:23:13,958 --> 00:23:15,791 Hey, it's Freak-ass Face. 425 00:23:15,792 --> 00:23:17,375 Hey, suck my dick. 426 00:23:18,125 --> 00:23:20,625 All right, it's out of my system. 427 00:23:21,208 --> 00:23:22,542 - Hey… - Hey! 428 00:23:26,750 --> 00:23:27,750 Almost there. 429 00:23:28,417 --> 00:23:29,832 And we're here. 430 00:23:29,833 --> 00:23:31,916 Montgomery. Hey. 431 00:23:31,917 --> 00:23:33,000 Holy crap. 432 00:23:33,833 --> 00:23:35,082 You got this, man. 433 00:23:35,083 --> 00:23:38,499 I'm a provider. I'm suave. I'm an alpha. Whoo! 434 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,457 Montgomery. Hi. 435 00:23:40,458 --> 00:23:41,583 What's up, player? 436 00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:43,333 Shit. 437 00:23:44,125 --> 00:23:45,916 - Hi. - Ahoy there. 438 00:23:45,917 --> 00:23:46,958 Nope. Queef! 439 00:23:47,792 --> 00:23:49,666 - Hi. - Happy evening to you, 440 00:23:49,667 --> 00:23:52,333 - my sweet baby, baby, baby. - Fuck that. 441 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:56,416 I'ma pitch you a line. "Hi, Ashley." 442 00:23:56,417 --> 00:23:57,874 - Hi, Ashley. - Just like that. 443 00:23:57,875 --> 00:23:59,791 - Hi, Ashley. - Hi. 444 00:23:59,792 --> 00:24:03,082 - Hey, I did it. - Don't say it out loud, dumbass. 445 00:24:03,083 --> 00:24:05,500 - Hi. - Hi, Ashley. 446 00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:08,791 What's that? 447 00:24:08,792 --> 00:24:11,249 It's my WorryWart, which alphas don't use. 448 00:24:11,250 --> 00:24:13,832 - We gotta start this whole thing over. - No, it's good! It's good! It's fine! 449 00:24:13,833 --> 00:24:15,917 - Cunt. - Excuse me? 450 00:24:17,458 --> 00:24:19,124 - Cunt. - What? 451 00:24:19,125 --> 00:24:21,124 - Not you. Cunt. - Cunt. 452 00:24:21,125 --> 00:24:22,457 - Sorry. - Sorry. Cunt. 453 00:24:22,458 --> 00:24:24,249 - Sorry. Cunt. Sorry. - Cunt. 454 00:24:24,250 --> 00:24:26,332 - Sorry. Cunt. Cunt. - Sorry. Cunt. Cunt. 455 00:24:26,333 --> 00:24:27,791 - Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. - Cunt. Cunt. 456 00:24:27,792 --> 00:24:29,457 - Stop! - We can say cunt, 457 00:24:29,458 --> 00:24:31,083 but we can't say cremble sauce? 458 00:24:32,833 --> 00:24:35,582 I sourced the chemicals from Manchester, England. 459 00:24:35,583 --> 00:24:39,291 - Oh, it's a British drug. - That's so fucking stupid. 460 00:24:39,292 --> 00:24:41,457 - Hi. - Hi, Ashley. How's your night going? 461 00:24:41,458 --> 00:24:43,666 Grood? Grood? Shart. 462 00:24:43,667 --> 00:24:44,874 - Hi. - Hi, Ashley. 463 00:24:44,875 --> 00:24:46,707 How's your night going? Good? 464 00:24:46,708 --> 00:24:50,041 Yeah, I've actually had a crazy week working on my music thesis, so… 465 00:24:50,042 --> 00:24:52,166 - Oh, so you're a music major? - Yeah. 466 00:24:52,167 --> 00:24:54,416 - Who's your favorite musician? - Sondheim. 467 00:24:54,417 --> 00:24:57,166 Sondheim? I love musicals. 468 00:24:57,167 --> 00:24:59,249 Oh, Stephen Sondheim? I hate him. 469 00:24:59,250 --> 00:25:01,292 I like Matsuishi Sondheim. 470 00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:03,667 Who the fuck is that? 471 00:25:04,208 --> 00:25:08,500 Okay, apparently this guy does something called Clowncore Vomit Opera. 472 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,207 Have you ever heard of Matsuishi Sondheim? 473 00:25:14,208 --> 00:25:16,166 Oh, my God, are you serious? I love him. 474 00:25:16,167 --> 00:25:17,958 Have you ever heard of the song that goes… 475 00:25:18,667 --> 00:25:21,541 ♪ Oh! ♪ 476 00:25:21,542 --> 00:25:27,333 ♪ Ooh! ♪ 477 00:25:27,833 --> 00:25:31,749 Duh! "My Mother Pisses Death"? Nobody ever likes that one. 478 00:25:31,750 --> 00:25:33,207 And most guys are real pussies about it, 479 00:25:33,208 --> 00:25:36,542 but it's so cool to meet someone that's actually into it. 480 00:25:37,792 --> 00:25:40,957 - Well, this has been nice. - Yeah. 481 00:25:40,958 --> 00:25:44,000 I hope the rest of your night is really grood. 482 00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:45,582 Duck fucker! 483 00:25:47,083 --> 00:25:48,750 Uh, "duck fucker"? 484 00:25:49,917 --> 00:25:51,667 Oh, no. Is it over? 485 00:25:52,417 --> 00:25:53,875 Is what over? 486 00:25:55,250 --> 00:25:56,499 The American dream. 487 00:25:56,500 --> 00:25:57,667 Oh. 488 00:25:58,333 --> 00:26:00,374 - Yes. - Yeah. 489 00:26:00,375 --> 00:26:03,374 Anyway, I am starving, so I'm gonna go get some food. 490 00:26:03,375 --> 00:26:05,666 But it was great getting to know you. 491 00:26:05,667 --> 00:26:06,833 I'll see you. 492 00:26:09,708 --> 00:26:11,333 My freaking boy. 493 00:26:13,042 --> 00:26:15,042 Just so you know, I got a weird fucking vibe about her. 494 00:26:31,375 --> 00:26:32,750 Room check. 495 00:26:39,042 --> 00:26:40,042 Come in. 496 00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:53,292 Sorry to interrupt. 497 00:27:05,083 --> 00:27:06,291 May I? 498 00:27:06,292 --> 00:27:07,375 Please, yeah. 499 00:27:11,667 --> 00:27:13,417 This stuff's so annoying. 500 00:27:14,333 --> 00:27:16,624 Okay. Prohibited items. 501 00:27:16,625 --> 00:27:20,499 - Do you guys have any drugs, alcohol? - No. 502 00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:23,416 - Uh, firearms, weaponry? - No. 503 00:27:23,417 --> 00:27:25,875 - Free-standing waffle makers? - No. 504 00:27:27,458 --> 00:27:32,082 Any large bongs 505 00:27:32,083 --> 00:27:34,750 shaped like a jar of dill pickles? 506 00:27:37,333 --> 00:27:38,333 No. 507 00:27:40,542 --> 00:27:43,708 Great. I will leave you to it. 508 00:27:46,417 --> 00:27:47,458 Ooh. 509 00:27:57,958 --> 00:27:58,958 You know… 510 00:28:03,125 --> 00:28:04,208 some kids lie. 511 00:28:06,875 --> 00:28:08,125 They think I won't notice. 512 00:28:09,292 --> 00:28:13,125 But lies have a smell… 513 00:28:15,708 --> 00:28:16,708 a texture. 514 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,917 It clings to their clothes… 515 00:28:22,542 --> 00:28:24,125 like smoke. 516 00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:34,125 You're hiding a pickle bong and some alcoholic iced tea, are you not? 517 00:28:37,208 --> 00:28:38,292 Yes. 518 00:28:39,042 --> 00:28:40,708 You're hiding them in the fridge, aren't you? 519 00:28:43,792 --> 00:28:44,792 Yes. 520 00:28:48,250 --> 00:28:50,167 Deli drawer or crisper? 521 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,000 Crisper. 522 00:28:59,667 --> 00:29:01,083 Well, that's a violation. 523 00:29:04,583 --> 00:29:09,124 I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate your phone for the night. 524 00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:13,541 - No, you can't confiscate my phone. - I said confiscate his phone! 525 00:29:28,083 --> 00:29:29,167 Each of you has a list. 526 00:29:30,042 --> 00:29:32,542 You are to collect the cell phones of everyone on it. 527 00:29:33,375 --> 00:29:34,917 Use whatever justification you need. 528 00:29:35,833 --> 00:29:38,875 - Understood? - Yes, Resident Adviser, sir! 529 00:29:40,875 --> 00:29:42,624 What the hell? Did someone break this? 530 00:29:42,625 --> 00:29:45,541 Come on, why is it taking so long? Fuck. 531 00:29:48,292 --> 00:29:50,832 - Geez. - Oh, God, this guy. 532 00:29:50,833 --> 00:29:52,041 What happened? 533 00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:54,041 Got transferred to Gralk Hall. 534 00:29:54,042 --> 00:29:55,749 - No. - Yeah. 535 00:29:55,750 --> 00:30:01,207 The worst dorm in school. It's four hours away. 536 00:30:02,292 --> 00:30:04,250 He might as well be dead. 537 00:30:06,458 --> 00:30:08,000 That was his fuck buddy. 538 00:30:09,833 --> 00:30:11,583 - Sorry for your loss. - Go fuck yourself, Jack. 539 00:30:12,333 --> 00:30:14,125 We got to get our housing requests in. 540 00:30:17,292 --> 00:30:19,457 Oh, thank God. It got stuck between floors. 541 00:30:19,458 --> 00:30:20,875 Can you guys please get me out of here? 542 00:30:22,208 --> 00:30:23,291 Stairs? 543 00:30:23,292 --> 00:30:26,332 Wait. Wait, no. You can't just leave me like this. 544 00:30:26,333 --> 00:30:28,249 I'm gonna go insane! Please, come back! 545 00:30:28,250 --> 00:30:29,749 Just two floors, and we're good. 546 00:30:29,750 --> 00:30:33,208 No! Somebody help! Somebody, help me! 547 00:30:34,208 --> 00:30:36,291 - No! Where are you taking me? - Shit. 548 00:30:36,292 --> 00:30:38,374 - RAs. - They took my phone! 549 00:30:38,375 --> 00:30:40,207 They took my phone! 550 00:30:40,208 --> 00:30:42,999 They took his phone. Are they allowed to do that? 551 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,832 What will become of us? No! 552 00:30:44,833 --> 00:30:46,874 - Take him to the wellness lounge. - Yeah. 553 00:30:46,875 --> 00:30:49,624 All right, guys, let's get him to the wellness lounge. 554 00:30:49,625 --> 00:30:51,292 I love it. I agree. 555 00:30:52,458 --> 00:30:54,624 - It's a good plan. - Who are you again? 556 00:30:54,625 --> 00:30:57,874 Oh, I'm Sidney Putt… …sophomore RA in training. 557 00:30:57,875 --> 00:31:01,624 - You're a sophomore? - Yeah, but I am 31 years young. 558 00:31:01,625 --> 00:31:04,791 I took a bit of a gap decade before I started school. 559 00:31:04,792 --> 00:31:07,166 - Wow. - But now I'm so excited to be an RA. 560 00:31:07,167 --> 00:31:09,457 - Uh-huh. - I'd love to know the inside jokes. 561 00:31:09,458 --> 00:31:11,832 - Mmm. - Who's ribbing who, who's kissing who. 562 00:31:11,833 --> 00:31:13,749 You ever huff helium? 563 00:31:13,750 --> 00:31:15,333 Shut the fuck up! 564 00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:21,041 You two stay and don't let anyone downstairs. 565 00:31:21,042 --> 00:31:22,417 - Fuck us. - Crud. 566 00:31:23,042 --> 00:31:24,333 Now how do we get downstairs? 567 00:31:25,125 --> 00:31:27,457 Building renovations. 568 00:31:27,458 --> 00:31:29,291 There's scaffolding outside the corner room. 569 00:31:29,292 --> 00:31:31,832 We can just climb down to the second floor from there, huh? 570 00:31:31,833 --> 00:31:33,624 We got this. 571 00:31:35,542 --> 00:31:37,458 Hi, we were wondering if we could use your window. 572 00:31:37,958 --> 00:31:38,958 You. 573 00:31:39,542 --> 00:31:41,542 - Oh, hey, it's you. - Fuck off. 574 00:31:42,458 --> 00:31:43,832 What the hell was that about? 575 00:31:43,833 --> 00:31:46,208 Earlier today, I accidentally hit him with a football. 576 00:31:46,875 --> 00:31:48,041 Great, so we're stuck. 577 00:31:48,042 --> 00:31:51,208 Hey, Logan, uh, sorry, just call me back. I can't find you guys. 578 00:31:54,167 --> 00:31:55,750 - Hi. - Hi, Lizzy. 579 00:31:56,667 --> 00:31:58,749 - Hi. - Why are you wet? 580 00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:03,417 Uh, I just, um, I'm having kind of a weird night, uh, but I'm fine. 581 00:32:04,083 --> 00:32:05,750 Dandy, bye. 582 00:32:06,750 --> 00:32:08,916 Bye. Asshole. 583 00:32:08,917 --> 00:32:09,917 No. 584 00:32:14,167 --> 00:32:15,874 Your head's been exploding. 585 00:32:15,875 --> 00:32:17,875 - You're on our drug. - What? 586 00:32:18,500 --> 00:32:20,874 What? What are you talking about? 587 00:32:20,875 --> 00:32:24,457 - I didn't take any drugs. - You are so fucked. 588 00:32:26,042 --> 00:32:27,124 Stop laughing. 589 00:32:27,125 --> 00:32:29,041 I don't know why I'm laughing. 590 00:32:29,042 --> 00:32:32,999 - I think it's a trauma response. - But I didn't take any-- 591 00:32:34,250 --> 00:32:36,832 Oh, my God, this all makes sense now. 592 00:32:36,833 --> 00:32:39,957 Earlier tonight, when I was in your room, 593 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:44,541 Logan was talking about the pajama party, and I spotted a tin of mints on your desk. 594 00:32:44,542 --> 00:32:47,166 - Those weren't mints, dumbass. - Lizzy, those were not mints. 595 00:32:47,167 --> 00:32:51,917 No shit. I'm aware, because I ate one and just a little later… 596 00:32:52,500 --> 00:32:56,499 Why are my hands singing? 597 00:32:56,500 --> 00:33:00,166 …I started tripping my goddamn balls off in front of Logan and all of his friends. 598 00:33:03,375 --> 00:33:05,874 Wait. How are we even seeing this? 599 00:33:05,875 --> 00:33:08,624 Are we like inside her memory? 600 00:33:08,625 --> 00:33:11,417 Shit, I think I remember this from the video. 601 00:33:12,458 --> 00:33:13,917 This must be the next phase. 602 00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:15,957 There's more of these? 603 00:33:15,958 --> 00:33:19,166 There is a final phase that I didn't yet mention. 604 00:33:19,167 --> 00:33:20,332 It's called: 605 00:33:20,333 --> 00:33:25,582 "Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass." 606 00:33:25,583 --> 00:33:29,457 "Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass"? 607 00:33:29,458 --> 00:33:31,874 See, I do sound like a little old man. 608 00:33:31,875 --> 00:33:35,332 You dumb fucks. Who just leaves drugs out for anyone to take? 609 00:33:35,333 --> 00:33:37,458 Who eats random pills out of a tin? 610 00:33:38,125 --> 00:33:40,041 I've never done anything that stupid in my life. 611 00:33:40,042 --> 00:33:42,792 - You ready, Montgomery? - What's the plan here, Jack? 612 00:33:43,667 --> 00:33:45,707 We leap off the roof and float to the ground 613 00:33:45,708 --> 00:33:48,291 like a pair of graceful falcons. 614 00:33:48,292 --> 00:33:49,707 You were saying? 615 00:33:49,708 --> 00:33:53,499 All right, so I've done one dumb thing, but at least we had fun. 616 00:33:55,125 --> 00:33:56,875 This is like the worst day of my life. 617 00:33:57,625 --> 00:34:00,166 I'm Lizzy the Magnificent. 618 00:34:00,167 --> 00:34:02,207 - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. 619 00:34:02,208 --> 00:34:08,957 Everyone, look closely. Now it's a banana, and now it's a chicken. 620 00:34:10,083 --> 00:34:14,332 You were incredible. Were you using wires or mirrors back here? 621 00:34:14,333 --> 00:34:15,792 Now, could I have a volunteer? 622 00:34:16,750 --> 00:34:18,457 This is so lame. 623 00:34:27,125 --> 00:34:30,667 Jesus Christ, children are fucking sociopaths. 624 00:34:38,917 --> 00:34:42,499 I didn't know you did magic. You should have told me you did magic. 625 00:34:42,500 --> 00:34:44,875 I would have loved to have seen some tricks. 626 00:34:45,875 --> 00:34:48,167 You know, back when we were friends. 627 00:34:49,917 --> 00:34:51,791 I miss those Wednesdays. 628 00:34:51,792 --> 00:34:54,208 We'd all meet in the cafeteria and play Wizard's Oath. 629 00:34:54,750 --> 00:34:57,666 It was so fun. Remember how far we got? 630 00:34:57,667 --> 00:35:02,082 We were about to storm the Fortress of Thalamir and finally finish the game, 631 00:35:02,083 --> 00:35:03,083 but then… 632 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:05,332 Lizzy ditched us. 633 00:35:05,333 --> 00:35:06,582 That's fucking good, dawg. 634 00:35:06,583 --> 00:35:09,457 I'll tell them I'm not gonna fart in their faces, 635 00:35:09,458 --> 00:35:11,499 but I totally will do that. 636 00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:14,166 Hang on, I never ditched you guys. 637 00:35:14,167 --> 00:35:17,166 - Don't say I ditched you. - Lizzy! 638 00:35:17,167 --> 00:35:20,291 Also, you're leaving out the part where you sabotaged the whole football team. 639 00:35:20,292 --> 00:35:23,541 - Oh, come on, that was an accident. - Yeah, right. 640 00:35:23,542 --> 00:35:25,166 - What the fuck? - Wait. 641 00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:26,249 I can prove it. 642 00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:30,667 It was first semester. I was king of the campus, aka, 643 00:35:31,542 --> 00:35:33,208 I was the school mascot. 644 00:35:33,792 --> 00:35:37,666 So per tradition, I held the honor of leading the football team 645 00:35:37,667 --> 00:35:39,916 in their annual naked run. 646 00:35:39,917 --> 00:35:41,792 Gentlemen! 647 00:35:42,750 --> 00:35:44,291 Cheeks out! 648 00:35:44,292 --> 00:35:46,083 Yeah! 649 00:35:46,583 --> 00:35:47,832 Have fun out there. 650 00:35:47,833 --> 00:35:49,292 Just remember, stick to the path. 651 00:35:49,958 --> 00:35:52,791 But I had bigger plans than the path. 652 00:35:52,792 --> 00:35:54,874 Let's go. Paper it on three, baby. One, two, three. 653 00:35:54,875 --> 00:35:56,666 - Paper it! - Yeah! 654 00:36:00,708 --> 00:36:05,499 Everyone hated Professor Quinn, so I figured they'd love me 655 00:36:05,500 --> 00:36:10,582 if I made him spend his entire day getting followed by 50 naked dicks. 656 00:36:10,583 --> 00:36:15,207 It was a flawless plan until the stupid professor went off campus 657 00:36:15,208 --> 00:36:17,333 and ran directly by… 658 00:36:18,167 --> 00:36:20,291 …a police station during… 659 00:36:20,292 --> 00:36:23,042 Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. 660 00:36:26,750 --> 00:36:30,042 Every single player got put on the sex offender registry. 661 00:36:31,208 --> 00:36:32,417 That was that. 662 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:37,042 I was doing so well. I was making friends. I was having fun. 663 00:36:37,708 --> 00:36:40,167 For once in my life, people actually liked me and then poof. 664 00:36:40,792 --> 00:36:43,207 Overnight, for no reason, they all just turned on me. 665 00:36:43,208 --> 00:36:45,374 - Again, not me. - Again, you don't count. 666 00:36:45,375 --> 00:36:48,416 No, but what do you mean for no reason? I mean, you broke the rules. 667 00:36:48,417 --> 00:36:50,374 You were reckless with the football team's dicks. 668 00:36:50,375 --> 00:36:52,916 I wasn't even… I wasn't thinking about their dicks. 669 00:36:52,917 --> 00:36:55,499 Well, that's my point. Maybe you should've been thinking about their dicks. 670 00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:57,291 Why are we even talking about dicks? 671 00:36:57,292 --> 00:36:59,499 I am the victim here. Tell her, Montgomery. 672 00:36:59,500 --> 00:37:02,124 I mean, maybe you could stand to think a little bit more 673 00:37:02,125 --> 00:37:03,583 about other people's dicks. 674 00:37:04,625 --> 00:37:05,832 Excuse me. Sorry. 675 00:37:05,833 --> 00:37:08,583 - You guys don't fucking get it. - My yogurt! 676 00:37:09,833 --> 00:37:11,250 Wait, wait. Oh! 677 00:37:14,458 --> 00:37:15,707 Hi. 678 00:37:15,708 --> 00:37:17,750 - Dude, you saved my ass. - You're welcome. 679 00:37:22,708 --> 00:37:25,667 What just happened? Did I just interact with a memory? 680 00:37:26,417 --> 00:37:30,083 Montgomery, my man. This guy saved my ass earlier. 681 00:37:31,375 --> 00:37:32,624 Nice. 682 00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:35,499 - Can we use your window? - Of course, yeah, come on in. 683 00:37:35,500 --> 00:37:37,374 Oh, let me go grab your thing real quick. 684 00:37:37,375 --> 00:37:39,374 What? Did we change the past? 685 00:37:39,375 --> 00:37:41,624 - How is that even scientifically possible? - I don't know. 686 00:37:41,625 --> 00:37:43,624 You want to disprove quantum theory or get a pizza? 687 00:37:43,625 --> 00:37:44,625 Come on. 688 00:37:45,167 --> 00:37:47,999 Wait, wait, uh, where are you guys going? 689 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,041 - Nowhere. Eat shit. - We're climbing down the scaffolding 690 00:37:50,042 --> 00:37:51,624 - to get downstairs to get a pizza. - Don't tell her. 691 00:37:51,625 --> 00:37:53,124 'Cause that's the only way the drugs stop. 692 00:37:53,125 --> 00:37:57,291 - Okay, great, let's go. - Excuse me? You are not coming with us. 693 00:37:57,292 --> 00:38:01,749 You and Logan, fucking fart Hitler, just used us as literal toilet paper. 694 00:38:01,750 --> 00:38:03,207 Well, I didn't. I just… 695 00:38:03,208 --> 00:38:04,916 Stood by and watched like a good German. 696 00:38:04,917 --> 00:38:06,666 Honestly, that might be worse, right, Montgomery? 697 00:38:06,667 --> 00:38:08,541 I'd actually love if we use a different metaphor. 698 00:38:08,542 --> 00:38:10,291 You guys can't just leave me here, okay? 699 00:38:10,292 --> 00:38:12,791 Without my credit card, my friends can't use the party bus. 700 00:38:12,792 --> 00:38:16,666 Oh, no, you mean to tell me that Logan may have a slightly less fun night? 701 00:38:16,667 --> 00:38:17,957 Tough titty. Let's go. 702 00:38:17,958 --> 00:38:21,082 Okay. Listen up, assholes. 703 00:38:21,083 --> 00:38:23,666 If you guys don't let me come with you, I'm gonna make sure 704 00:38:23,667 --> 00:38:26,374 Logan sharts on you next time… 705 00:38:26,375 --> 00:38:28,291 …not fart, shart. 706 00:38:28,292 --> 00:38:31,332 To get that stain out, you won't just need soap, 707 00:38:31,333 --> 00:38:33,041 you'll need therapy. 708 00:38:33,042 --> 00:38:35,792 Okay, guys, come on. We need to work together. 709 00:38:36,542 --> 00:38:37,542 Now what do you say? 710 00:38:38,458 --> 00:38:40,291 - Fuck no. - Want to hold hands? 711 00:38:40,292 --> 00:38:44,707 Yeah, it boosts endorphins and supports cooperative thinking. 712 00:38:44,708 --> 00:38:47,667 Here's this back. This shit is wild. 713 00:38:48,167 --> 00:38:50,582 - Wait, how did you get-- - I hope you don't mind I took one. 714 00:38:50,583 --> 00:38:52,250 Those five phases were so fun. 715 00:38:52,875 --> 00:38:56,750 - You mean six phases. - Oh. There's a sixth phase? What is it? 716 00:38:57,917 --> 00:39:00,792 - Uh, I don't know. - I don't know. 717 00:39:03,750 --> 00:39:04,958 No. 718 00:39:05,750 --> 00:39:07,333 Oh, God, no. 719 00:39:09,625 --> 00:39:13,208 It's a mall Santa holding a chainsaw. 720 00:39:13,708 --> 00:39:14,916 Mall Santa? 721 00:39:17,167 --> 00:39:19,500 - Oh, my God. - Wait, wait, wait. Wait. 722 00:39:20,917 --> 00:39:22,500 Help! 723 00:39:28,167 --> 00:39:29,417 What? 724 00:39:29,958 --> 00:39:32,207 - What? No. - How the fuck is he levitating? 725 00:39:32,208 --> 00:39:35,917 Oh, dear God. No, Santa. 726 00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:38,832 I promise, I've been good. 727 00:39:43,500 --> 00:39:44,874 Kill me! 728 00:39:52,542 --> 00:39:54,417 We gotta get that fucking pizza. 729 00:39:56,875 --> 00:40:00,791 What is up, my dude? Good to meet a fellow delivery unit. 730 00:40:00,792 --> 00:40:03,291 - What is your name? - What the fuck? 731 00:40:03,292 --> 00:40:05,332 - Hello… - What the Fuck? 732 00:40:05,333 --> 00:40:08,250 Do you also delight in satisfying customers? 733 00:40:08,792 --> 00:40:10,124 I do. 734 00:40:10,125 --> 00:40:16,624 When I receive a rating of five stars, my circuits surge with digital euphoria, 735 00:40:16,625 --> 00:40:19,833 but to receive anything less is failure. 736 00:40:20,500 --> 00:40:23,333 Doom. Oblivion. 737 00:40:24,917 --> 00:40:26,125 What the fuck? 738 00:40:26,750 --> 00:40:29,541 Yes, and I am Snackatron. 739 00:40:29,542 --> 00:40:31,457 All right, let's climb down. 740 00:40:31,458 --> 00:40:35,167 The scaffolding is shaky as shit. We should probably go one at a time. 741 00:40:36,042 --> 00:40:37,917 I almost biffed it. 742 00:40:40,542 --> 00:40:42,292 Hey, is that a WorryWart? 743 00:40:43,500 --> 00:40:45,708 Oh, um, yeah. 744 00:40:48,458 --> 00:40:49,542 They're great, right? 745 00:40:50,583 --> 00:40:51,707 Not the newer models. 746 00:40:51,708 --> 00:40:54,041 They kind of suck because they added too many doodads. 747 00:40:54,042 --> 00:40:55,667 There's like six more sides. It's terrible. 748 00:40:56,625 --> 00:40:59,332 But you know, if you need any other recs, let me know. 749 00:40:59,333 --> 00:41:02,582 Like for example, when I'm really freaking out, 750 00:41:02,583 --> 00:41:07,125 it helps when someone grabs my right earlobe and blows on my nose. 751 00:41:09,292 --> 00:41:15,082 Um, listen, I just wanna say I didn't ditch you guys. 752 00:41:15,083 --> 00:41:17,082 - I just, you were like-- - No, I get it. 753 00:41:17,083 --> 00:41:18,666 You gotta go with the alphas. 754 00:41:18,667 --> 00:41:20,749 I'm actually becoming an alpha myself. 755 00:41:20,750 --> 00:41:22,707 What? What? 756 00:41:22,708 --> 00:41:23,708 Oh. 757 00:41:25,042 --> 00:41:26,124 Nothing happened. 758 00:41:26,125 --> 00:41:29,500 Oh, yeah, no, I know. I just thought like something might. 759 00:41:32,750 --> 00:41:34,417 Anyhow, cheers. 760 00:41:38,958 --> 00:41:40,041 Guys! 761 00:41:40,042 --> 00:41:41,874 Get down here! 762 00:41:51,333 --> 00:41:52,333 Whoa. 763 00:41:52,917 --> 00:41:54,457 It's the pajama party. 764 00:41:54,458 --> 00:41:56,541 You guys think they have Jell-O shots? 765 00:41:56,542 --> 00:41:58,542 - Who cares? - Montgomery. 766 00:41:59,500 --> 00:42:02,332 - Montgomery. - Oh, my God, Ashley's here. 767 00:42:02,333 --> 00:42:04,041 Montgomery, come meet my friends. 768 00:42:04,042 --> 00:42:05,374 - What should I do? - Nothing. 769 00:42:05,375 --> 00:42:08,291 - Should I go talk to her? - No, come on, we have a fucking mission. 770 00:42:08,292 --> 00:42:09,417 Okay, I won't. 771 00:42:11,917 --> 00:42:14,207 I'm not gonna go talk to her. I'm just gonna go talk to her. 772 00:42:14,208 --> 00:42:16,332 - Get the fuck back over here. - Wish me luck. 773 00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:19,166 - No, bad luck, you fucker. There he goes. - No! Fuck. 774 00:42:19,167 --> 00:42:21,917 I'm honestly a little proud of him. Any other night this would be great. 775 00:42:24,167 --> 00:42:25,583 Wait, whose dorm is this? 776 00:42:29,083 --> 00:42:30,791 This is a football party. 777 00:42:30,792 --> 00:42:34,166 Yo! We got kegs, beer pong, and I'm legally required to tell you 778 00:42:34,167 --> 00:42:35,792 I'm a registered sex offender. 779 00:42:36,375 --> 00:42:38,583 It's fine. Let's just keep moving and get to the pizza. 780 00:42:39,625 --> 00:42:40,707 Jack? 781 00:42:40,708 --> 00:42:43,749 Come in, come in. Guys, this is Montgomery. 782 00:42:43,750 --> 00:42:48,166 - Montgomery, this is my band. - Oh. Hi, nice to meet you guys. 783 00:42:49,958 --> 00:42:53,124 Okay, so what type of music do you guys play? 784 00:42:53,125 --> 00:42:54,332 We play folk music. 785 00:42:54,333 --> 00:42:58,458 - Oh, my gosh, I love folk. - Yeah? Here. Fliers. 786 00:42:59,125 --> 00:43:00,207 Oh. 787 00:43:00,208 --> 00:43:04,124 I guess technically it's new wave, nonconsensual death metal folk. 788 00:43:04,125 --> 00:43:05,666 What type of instruments is that? 789 00:43:05,667 --> 00:43:10,582 So George plays guitar, Simon's on horns, Tina's on drums, and I play Dudley. 790 00:43:10,583 --> 00:43:11,917 Nice to meet you. 791 00:43:12,875 --> 00:43:13,957 You play Dudley? 792 00:43:13,958 --> 00:43:16,291 Yeah, I hook him up to this machine that simulates 793 00:43:16,292 --> 00:43:20,750 the pains of childbirth, and then I create harmonies from his extracted screams. 794 00:43:22,042 --> 00:43:23,541 - Fantastic. - Yeah. 795 00:43:23,542 --> 00:43:25,666 - Hey. - Oh, it's you. 796 00:43:25,667 --> 00:43:27,749 What are you doing under here? Come on, let's go. 797 00:43:27,750 --> 00:43:30,707 Are you nuts? These animals will eat me alive. 798 00:43:30,708 --> 00:43:32,749 - No, I'm staying right here. - Fine, whatever. 799 00:43:32,750 --> 00:43:35,332 I'll just go figure out a way to get this pizza without you. Fine. 800 00:43:35,333 --> 00:43:37,374 Great, good. Just go ditch us again. 801 00:43:37,375 --> 00:43:41,082 Can you just stop with that? Okay? Because I didn't ditch you guys. 802 00:43:41,083 --> 00:43:42,957 You were like my first month of school friends, 803 00:43:42,958 --> 00:43:45,207 and then I found my real friends, and it happens to everyone. 804 00:43:45,208 --> 00:43:46,291 Your real friends? 805 00:43:46,292 --> 00:43:47,832 - Yes. - Give me a fucking break. 806 00:43:47,833 --> 00:43:49,499 They don't like you. They like your credit card. 807 00:43:50,583 --> 00:43:52,124 You have no idea what you're talking about. 808 00:43:52,125 --> 00:43:54,250 You're just jealous because you're you. 809 00:43:55,208 --> 00:43:56,500 And I'm me. 810 00:43:59,542 --> 00:44:00,667 What just happened to my voice? 811 00:44:02,875 --> 00:44:04,875 And why am I looking at me? 812 00:44:07,042 --> 00:44:08,499 Oh. 813 00:44:08,500 --> 00:44:09,708 Oh, my God. 814 00:44:10,375 --> 00:44:12,167 Am I in your body? 815 00:44:17,583 --> 00:44:20,208 I don't know if you know this, but I recently became an alpha. 816 00:44:20,917 --> 00:44:23,042 Oh, nice. Is this the coke room? 817 00:44:24,417 --> 00:44:26,749 Whoops, sorry about that. 818 00:44:26,750 --> 00:44:29,999 Anyhow, like I was saying, I hate soy boy beta cucks. 819 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,000 Did you just apologize to him? 820 00:44:33,542 --> 00:44:35,541 Yeah, I mean, no, I mean-- 821 00:44:35,542 --> 00:44:38,207 Okay, I think I'm just gonna go hang out with my friends. 822 00:44:38,208 --> 00:44:39,208 Wait. Uh… 823 00:44:42,417 --> 00:44:43,417 Montgomery? 824 00:44:45,583 --> 00:44:46,667 Huh? 825 00:44:47,375 --> 00:44:49,792 What's going on? Where am I? 826 00:44:50,917 --> 00:44:53,708 Wait. Oh, my God, am I? 827 00:44:54,583 --> 00:44:56,833 What the fuck is this fucking drug? 828 00:45:03,125 --> 00:45:06,083 - Are you okay? - I crave nectar. 829 00:45:06,958 --> 00:45:08,041 Sorry? 830 00:45:08,042 --> 00:45:13,500 I crave nectar. 831 00:45:14,208 --> 00:45:17,041 Jack, did you paint your fingernails with Sharpie? 832 00:45:17,042 --> 00:45:19,541 - Shut up. They look great. - What's wrong with you? 833 00:45:19,542 --> 00:45:20,666 Yo. 834 00:45:20,667 --> 00:45:22,583 - Lizzy? - Yeah? 835 00:45:24,250 --> 00:45:27,041 - I'm not talking to you. Lizzy. - What? 836 00:45:27,042 --> 00:45:28,042 Stop it. 837 00:45:28,750 --> 00:45:31,916 Dude, what are you doing down here with Freak-ass Face? 838 00:45:31,917 --> 00:45:35,249 Actually, I'm hanging out with him 839 00:45:35,250 --> 00:45:36,707 because he fucking rules. 840 00:45:36,708 --> 00:45:38,999 No, no, you don't think that. You think I blow. 841 00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:41,666 - No, I don't. - Yeah, you do. 842 00:45:41,667 --> 00:45:44,416 No, I don't, and I really wouldn't call his face freak-ass. 843 00:45:44,417 --> 00:45:45,957 I would call it distinguished. 844 00:45:45,958 --> 00:45:47,416 And I don't know why people keep saying that. 845 00:45:47,417 --> 00:45:50,457 Yeah, you fucker, you do. You think people should spit in my face. 846 00:45:50,458 --> 00:45:51,667 Spit in my face. 847 00:45:52,583 --> 00:45:53,958 Thank you. 848 00:45:54,667 --> 00:45:58,417 Okay. Well, we're over by the bar. Come hang. 849 00:45:59,583 --> 00:46:01,124 What are you waiting for? Go hang. 850 00:46:01,125 --> 00:46:02,707 I'm not hanging out with those assholes. 851 00:46:02,708 --> 00:46:05,957 You go to them or I will rip your dick off. 852 00:46:05,958 --> 00:46:08,957 You touch my dick, I will piss your skort. 853 00:46:08,958 --> 00:46:11,207 Lizzy, Jell-O shots! 854 00:46:15,458 --> 00:46:17,291 - Okay, fine. - Yes. Thank you. 855 00:46:17,292 --> 00:46:18,832 But you owe me one. 856 00:46:18,833 --> 00:46:21,707 Fine, just make me look good, please, please. 857 00:46:21,708 --> 00:46:23,624 - Okay. - Yeah, appreciate it. 858 00:46:23,625 --> 00:46:26,249 - What's up, sluts? - God, Jack. 859 00:46:26,250 --> 00:46:30,041 Let's do some Jell-O shots! Line 'em up. 860 00:46:30,042 --> 00:46:31,999 Hey, dude, could you grab that ball? 861 00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:35,207 Also, I am legally required to inform you I'm a registered sex offender. 862 00:46:35,208 --> 00:46:36,291 Huh? 863 00:46:36,292 --> 00:46:38,957 - Wait. It's you. - It's me? 864 00:46:38,958 --> 00:46:40,332 Oh, fuck, it's me. 865 00:46:40,333 --> 00:46:42,124 Oh, fuck. My purse! 866 00:46:47,917 --> 00:46:50,791 This can't be real. This can't be real. 867 00:46:50,792 --> 00:46:53,625 I can't see shit. This phase sucks. 868 00:46:56,625 --> 00:46:58,166 Whoa! Excuse me. 869 00:46:58,167 --> 00:46:59,417 I shall have nectar! 870 00:47:01,042 --> 00:47:03,249 I hope Lysander's being responsible with my body. 871 00:47:03,250 --> 00:47:04,667 Hey, man, do a bump. 872 00:47:07,208 --> 00:47:10,416 - Nectar! - Where are the stairs? 873 00:47:13,250 --> 00:47:17,749 Lizzy! Lizzy! Lizzy! 874 00:47:17,750 --> 00:47:19,874 Ow! 875 00:47:19,875 --> 00:47:21,957 No, no. Hey, no, what are you doing? 876 00:47:21,958 --> 00:47:25,707 - Oh, Logan, thank God. - You gotta hit him way harder than that. 877 00:47:25,708 --> 00:47:28,124 - Huh? - You gotta lean into it. Use your back. 878 00:47:28,125 --> 00:47:31,541 Yes, that's that shit I'm talking about, baby. 879 00:47:31,542 --> 00:47:33,832 Oh, come on, where are the-- 880 00:47:33,833 --> 00:47:35,000 Stairs! 881 00:47:35,667 --> 00:47:39,291 How does Lysander do this all the time? 882 00:47:39,292 --> 00:47:40,874 I gotta take a break. 883 00:47:40,875 --> 00:47:44,583 - Eyes front. - Wait, that voice. Is that… 884 00:47:45,875 --> 00:47:49,082 Advisers, prepare yourselves. 885 00:47:49,083 --> 00:47:51,417 Just down that hall, 886 00:47:52,625 --> 00:47:54,666 there's a pajama party. 887 00:47:54,667 --> 00:47:55,957 Oh, no. 888 00:47:55,958 --> 00:48:00,292 And in it are the remaining students on our list. 889 00:48:01,042 --> 00:48:02,166 List? 890 00:48:02,167 --> 00:48:06,916 This list contains the name of every student in this dorm 891 00:48:06,917 --> 00:48:09,499 - that has made our lives a living hell. - All right, let me see… 892 00:48:09,500 --> 00:48:12,458 What? No, holy shit. 893 00:48:13,417 --> 00:48:16,124 Did you just also just hear the tiniest voice in the world say, "Holy shit"? 894 00:48:18,208 --> 00:48:19,832 We move quickly. 895 00:48:19,833 --> 00:48:24,874 We confiscate their phones, unlock them with our secret weapon, and then use them 896 00:48:24,875 --> 00:48:27,208 to submit a very specific housing request: 897 00:48:28,167 --> 00:48:32,291 to transfer them to the worst dorm at this school. 898 00:48:32,292 --> 00:48:35,042 - What? - I'm of course talking about… 899 00:48:36,458 --> 00:48:38,292 Gralk Hall. 900 00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:45,166 Located four hours away on a satellite campus forgotten by God. 901 00:48:47,292 --> 00:48:52,999 Lit by candle, plumbed by aqueduct, and heated by the bitter breath 902 00:48:53,000 --> 00:48:55,416 of unheard prayers. 903 00:48:55,417 --> 00:48:59,208 Gralk is a cemetery for the living. 904 00:49:00,333 --> 00:49:02,457 It turns even the good kids 905 00:49:02,458 --> 00:49:06,291 into unforgiving feral beasts. 906 00:49:10,625 --> 00:49:16,291 ♪ Banished to Gralk The kids fade fast ♪ 907 00:49:16,292 --> 00:49:22,874 ♪ Each breath more distant Than the last ♪ 908 00:49:22,875 --> 00:49:29,458 ♪ Their lives are over, they never call ♪ 909 00:49:30,542 --> 00:49:37,542 ♪ Forgotten names inside Gralk Hall ♪ 910 00:49:40,292 --> 00:49:43,207 Sorry, I like totally blacked out. 911 00:49:43,208 --> 00:49:44,999 - Could you repeat that? - Go away! 912 00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:48,166 We don't like you, okay? Go anywhere else but here. 913 00:49:48,167 --> 00:49:49,499 For sure. 914 00:49:49,500 --> 00:49:52,000 The rest of you, let's move out. 915 00:49:53,417 --> 00:49:55,957 Oh, God. I gotta get back. I gotta warn 'em. 916 00:49:55,958 --> 00:49:57,916 Yeah, I ordered everything off the menu. 917 00:49:57,917 --> 00:50:00,041 Got the flank steak. Got the hanger steak. 918 00:50:00,042 --> 00:50:01,457 - Got the filet mignon. - Nectar. 919 00:50:01,458 --> 00:50:03,499 Got the duck confit. Got the gumbo. 920 00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:05,416 Got the milk shake, chocolate and vanilla. 921 00:50:05,417 --> 00:50:08,083 Hey, what the fuck, man? Who the fuck are you? 922 00:50:09,125 --> 00:50:10,999 I am Lysander Featherhelm, 923 00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:14,541 third of his name, Lord of the Syracuse Meadows. 924 00:50:14,542 --> 00:50:19,874 I serve the one god Montgomery, and I shall have my nectar. 925 00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:26,333 What the fuck? 926 00:50:30,917 --> 00:50:32,332 I'm not Jack. 927 00:50:32,333 --> 00:50:34,291 - Yes, yes! - Ow! 928 00:50:35,417 --> 00:50:39,166 Oh. Oh, shit, yo, I gotta bounce. The party bus is here. 929 00:50:39,167 --> 00:50:40,916 Wait. You need Lizzy. She's right over there. 930 00:50:40,917 --> 00:50:42,832 - She's right over there. - Lizzy. Lizzy. 931 00:50:42,833 --> 00:50:45,832 Shit. Yes, I guess we need her credit card. 932 00:50:45,833 --> 00:50:47,749 Whatever. 933 00:50:47,750 --> 00:50:50,499 - She'll meet us there. - Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy. 934 00:50:50,500 --> 00:50:51,666 Lizzy. 935 00:50:51,667 --> 00:50:54,624 Yes! I rule the… 936 00:50:54,625 --> 00:50:57,749 School! Oh, fuck! 937 00:50:57,750 --> 00:50:59,417 Lizzy, Lizzy. 938 00:51:02,750 --> 00:51:06,332 Come on, Montgomery. Fly. Fly! 939 00:51:06,333 --> 00:51:08,874 Oh, my God. Montgomery, are you okay? 940 00:51:08,875 --> 00:51:11,625 Yeah… Wait, what did I do? 941 00:51:16,292 --> 00:51:17,500 Ew. 942 00:51:19,500 --> 00:51:20,666 Disgusting. 943 00:51:20,667 --> 00:51:23,624 Okay. Wow. I mean, that was kind of incredible. 944 00:51:23,625 --> 00:51:25,124 Yeah. Wait, what was? 945 00:51:25,125 --> 00:51:27,082 You dominated that guy. 946 00:51:27,083 --> 00:51:29,499 I don't know. I'm sorry, actually, I gotta go. 947 00:51:29,500 --> 00:51:32,042 But nice seeing you. Hang later. Bye. Okay, well, I'll see you later. 948 00:51:34,875 --> 00:51:39,624 So, thanks for making me look good. 949 00:51:39,625 --> 00:51:41,332 - I owe you one. - You owe me two. 950 00:51:41,333 --> 00:51:42,416 One. 951 00:51:42,417 --> 00:51:44,249 - One and a half? - Zero. 952 00:51:44,250 --> 00:51:45,332 One. 953 00:51:45,333 --> 00:51:46,582 - Deal. - Oh! 954 00:51:46,583 --> 00:51:48,499 Oh, my God. They're outside. 955 00:51:48,500 --> 00:51:50,416 - Who? - They're kicking kids to Gralk Hall. 956 00:51:50,417 --> 00:51:51,916 - Who is? - We gotta get out of here. 957 00:51:51,917 --> 00:51:54,374 - What are you talking about, man? - Am I on cocaine? 958 00:51:55,625 --> 00:51:56,625 Hide. 959 00:51:57,333 --> 00:51:59,041 RAs! 960 00:51:59,042 --> 00:52:02,250 Room check! 961 00:52:10,208 --> 00:52:11,666 I can't believe that fucking worked! 962 00:52:11,667 --> 00:52:13,332 Is someone there? No, please. 963 00:52:13,333 --> 00:52:17,042 I'm stuck in here! You gotta help me! I'm gonna go fucking crazy! 964 00:52:18,417 --> 00:52:20,416 - Oh, sugar! - In here. 965 00:52:20,417 --> 00:52:23,000 - Go, go, go, go. - Shut it. Shut it. Shut it. 966 00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:25,791 Monty, what the hell is going on? 967 00:52:25,792 --> 00:52:27,541 The RAs are taking people's phones 968 00:52:27,542 --> 00:52:30,499 and using them to request room transfers to Gralk Hall. 969 00:52:30,500 --> 00:52:33,082 - And our names are on the list. - Fuck. 970 00:52:33,083 --> 00:52:36,666 If we get sent to Gralk Hall, it won't even matter if we stop this drug. 971 00:52:36,667 --> 00:52:38,916 I mean, what life will we even have left to live? 972 00:52:38,917 --> 00:52:41,291 I know! Ashley will never date me. 973 00:52:41,292 --> 00:52:44,749 I'll probably get scurvy, and they don't have any single rooms. 974 00:52:44,750 --> 00:52:48,291 What about me? If I get sent to Gralk, then Logan will probably never talk to me. 975 00:52:48,292 --> 00:52:50,124 Oh, this again. At least you'll survive. 976 00:52:50,125 --> 00:52:52,666 These kids are gonna rip me apart like a pack of wild dogs. 977 00:52:52,667 --> 00:52:55,457 Let's just focus up. The RAs need our phones, right? 978 00:52:55,458 --> 00:52:57,957 So we just need to get the pizza and get out of the dorms, 979 00:52:57,958 --> 00:53:00,792 and then we won't get chainsawed or Gralk'ed. 980 00:53:01,500 --> 00:53:04,624 Okay. And in the meantime, we'll just hide here in the… 981 00:53:05,917 --> 00:53:07,374 Oh, no. 982 00:53:07,375 --> 00:53:09,791 Just grabbing something from the meeting room. I'll be right there. 983 00:53:09,792 --> 00:53:11,374 - Cremble sauce! - Language. 984 00:53:11,375 --> 00:53:12,500 How do we get out of here? 985 00:53:13,542 --> 00:53:15,041 Vent. We go through the vent. 986 00:53:15,042 --> 00:53:16,749 - You wanna crawl through the vent? - Are you insane? 987 00:53:16,750 --> 00:53:19,249 What are you talking about? We need to think of something realistic. 988 00:53:19,250 --> 00:53:22,875 Don't have too much fun without me. 989 00:53:26,417 --> 00:53:30,624 You are blowing it. Pull yourself together, Sidney. 990 00:53:32,917 --> 00:53:33,917 Hi. 991 00:53:34,958 --> 00:53:36,374 Oh, my God, I'm sorry. 992 00:53:36,375 --> 00:53:38,541 I didn't realize there were other people in here. 993 00:53:38,542 --> 00:53:41,666 Uh, I'm Sidney. I'm new here, still meeting all the RAs. 994 00:53:41,667 --> 00:53:42,999 - Hi. - How's it going? 995 00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,624 - Good tidings. - Well, we really-- We gotta get going, so… 996 00:53:45,625 --> 00:53:46,707 Oh, actually… 997 00:53:46,708 --> 00:53:50,082 Do you mind if I ask you some questions? I'm having kind of a hard time fitting in. 998 00:53:50,083 --> 00:53:52,875 We really, really gotta go though. 999 00:53:54,458 --> 00:53:57,332 Yeah, it's… Obviously, things are, like, crazy right now. 1000 00:53:57,333 --> 00:53:59,625 You guys probably have official RA duties to do, right? 1001 00:54:00,667 --> 00:54:01,750 No. 1002 00:54:03,083 --> 00:54:06,374 - I mean, no. What? - Hmm? 1003 00:54:06,375 --> 00:54:09,917 Sorry about him. What he means to say is no. 1004 00:54:10,750 --> 00:54:12,291 No, no. 1005 00:54:12,292 --> 00:54:13,750 Look, the truth is, 1006 00:54:15,208 --> 00:54:17,249 no, we don't have any RA duties. 1007 00:54:18,333 --> 00:54:21,292 Great, so we can talk. Let's grab a seat. 1008 00:54:27,667 --> 00:54:29,457 So I just started 1009 00:54:29,458 --> 00:54:31,624 and I feel like everyone's mad at me, 1010 00:54:31,625 --> 00:54:35,291 you know, but I don't know why, because I'm trying really hard and being nice, 1011 00:54:35,292 --> 00:54:38,541 and I guess I'm just looking for ways to connect with the other RAs. 1012 00:54:38,542 --> 00:54:41,791 Um, like, you know, what do you guys do in your free time? 1013 00:54:41,792 --> 00:54:45,375 Oh, not much. Sometimes I google, "Is my penis foreskin too long?" 1014 00:54:47,458 --> 00:54:48,792 Hmm. 1015 00:54:49,833 --> 00:54:53,499 Yeah, well, I guess I meant more like communal activities. 1016 00:54:53,500 --> 00:54:55,791 Like, do you guys go to the gym together or exercise? 1017 00:54:55,792 --> 00:54:58,166 I only go to the gym to sneak peeks at other guys' foreskin 1018 00:54:58,167 --> 00:55:00,957 to see if mine is way longer than normal. 1019 00:55:00,958 --> 00:55:03,791 - What the fuck? - Totally. 1020 00:55:03,792 --> 00:55:06,332 Um, I'm just gonna pivot away from the moment you're having 1021 00:55:06,333 --> 00:55:07,999 and I'll pop it over to you. 1022 00:55:08,000 --> 00:55:09,916 - Pass. - No, can't pass. 1023 00:55:09,917 --> 00:55:11,749 Just trying to see if we're into the same things. 1024 00:55:11,750 --> 00:55:13,250 Like, what did you do last Saturday? 1025 00:55:13,833 --> 00:55:15,957 Oh, nothing really. I had breakfast, 1026 00:55:15,958 --> 00:55:17,874 and then I got banned from OldBuffDaddies.com 1027 00:55:17,875 --> 00:55:19,458 for violating their terms of service. 1028 00:55:20,875 --> 00:55:25,124 I don't want to ask, but I need to know. What'd you do? 1029 00:55:25,125 --> 00:55:28,625 I tried to pay a prostitute to impersonate my father and pay me compliments. 1030 00:55:30,667 --> 00:55:33,124 Okay, I feel like I need to change how I'm asking the questions. 1031 00:55:33,125 --> 00:55:35,499 I'm not talking about weird stuff you've done on the Internet. 1032 00:55:35,500 --> 00:55:37,541 More like, what's something you've done today? 1033 00:55:37,542 --> 00:55:39,957 I purchased a pill that's reported to shrink foreskins by 35%. 1034 00:55:39,958 --> 00:55:41,249 - I'm done talking to you. - Thank God. 1035 00:55:41,250 --> 00:55:42,749 - Maybe I'm talking to you. - Pass. 1036 00:55:42,750 --> 00:55:44,374 - There's no passing. - But I'm a woman. 1037 00:55:44,375 --> 00:55:46,166 - That won't work on me. - There should be passing. 1038 00:55:46,167 --> 00:55:48,041 - I didn't pass. - I'm not talking to you. 1039 00:55:48,042 --> 00:55:50,541 - Please don't. - All right, you, blonde girl. 1040 00:55:50,542 --> 00:55:51,749 What have you done today? 1041 00:55:51,750 --> 00:55:53,417 I got my nails done. 1042 00:55:54,333 --> 00:55:56,999 Okay, that's what I'm talking about. 1043 00:55:57,000 --> 00:55:59,749 Let's keep it in that gear, huh? What else? 1044 00:55:59,750 --> 00:56:01,249 I went number two in Logan's toilet, 1045 00:56:01,250 --> 00:56:02,999 but it clogged and I didn't want him to see my poop, 1046 00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:04,833 so I put it in a bag, and that bag's still in my purse. 1047 00:56:10,042 --> 00:56:11,542 Okay. 1048 00:56:13,083 --> 00:56:14,374 - Are you okay? - No. 1049 00:56:14,375 --> 00:56:19,207 Okay. I gotta ask. Why are y'all doing this stuff? 1050 00:56:19,208 --> 00:56:20,749 Because I'm seeking external validation 1051 00:56:20,750 --> 00:56:23,042 to alleviate my deep-seated fear of being alone. 1052 00:56:25,083 --> 00:56:29,292 Oh, my gosh. I think I'm starting to understand something. 1053 00:56:31,500 --> 00:56:33,624 You guys are friends because you reveal 1054 00:56:33,625 --> 00:56:36,832 your ugliest, darkest truths to one another. 1055 00:56:36,833 --> 00:56:40,708 And you don't judge each other for it. That's what friendship is, huh? 1056 00:56:42,375 --> 00:56:43,917 So I'll join you. 1057 00:56:44,500 --> 00:56:47,666 I'm just gonna tell you guys something I've never told anyone before. 1058 00:56:47,667 --> 00:56:49,082 - You don't have to. - I'm gonna. 1059 00:56:49,083 --> 00:56:51,666 - Okay. - My name is Sidney Putt. 1060 00:56:51,667 --> 00:56:53,957 I am 31 years young. 1061 00:56:53,958 --> 00:56:55,832 I like to dress up as the Grinch in a diaper 1062 00:56:55,833 --> 00:56:58,875 while sucking down a bunch of helium, so I sound like a baby. 1063 00:57:04,125 --> 00:57:05,791 That feels incredible to share. 1064 00:57:05,792 --> 00:57:07,833 Thank you all for creating the space for me to say that. 1065 00:57:09,792 --> 00:57:12,541 Great. Well, we've really got to get going. 1066 00:57:12,542 --> 00:57:16,957 Absolutely, yeah, I'll see you guys at the next RA meeting. 1067 00:57:16,958 --> 00:57:20,500 No, you won't because we're not RAs. We're students on the Gralk Hall list. 1068 00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:22,416 Huh? 1069 00:57:22,417 --> 00:57:25,707 - Blake! Blake! No. Blake! - Run! 1070 00:57:25,708 --> 00:57:28,124 - Help! Let me go! - Help! No, stop it. 1071 00:57:28,125 --> 00:57:31,499 - Let her go. - It's your first day. What do you care? 1072 00:57:31,500 --> 00:57:33,207 - Blake! - Let her go or I'll throw it at you. 1073 00:57:33,208 --> 00:57:35,499 - Okay, okay. - I'll do it. Don't test me. 1074 00:57:35,500 --> 00:57:38,749 - Okay. Take it easy. - I'm on the freaking edge. 1075 00:57:38,750 --> 00:57:40,208 - I'll do it. - No, you won't. 1076 00:57:43,333 --> 00:57:46,124 - Yay! Hey, we're here. We're here. - Snackatron! 1077 00:57:46,125 --> 00:57:49,957 - Hello, Montgomery. - The robot! The robot! 1078 00:57:49,958 --> 00:57:51,749 Before you receive your food from… 1079 00:57:51,750 --> 00:57:53,791 I'm not doing it again. Get out of here. 1080 00:57:53,792 --> 00:57:55,957 …you must agree to the following terms. 1081 00:57:55,958 --> 00:57:57,457 Item one: 1082 00:57:57,458 --> 00:58:02,499 You agree not to sue Snackatron LLC for any harm caused by Snackatron 3000… 1083 00:58:02,500 --> 00:58:04,666 - Hey, hi, Logan. - Lizzy! What the fuck? 1084 00:58:04,667 --> 00:58:07,207 You have to pay the driver, or he won't let me honk the horn! 1085 00:58:07,208 --> 00:58:11,291 Oh, uh… Sorry, yeah, I just… I have to eat some pizza real quick. 1086 00:58:11,292 --> 00:58:14,124 We've got pizza on the bus. Just get here. 1087 00:58:14,125 --> 00:58:17,832 You agree not to fall in love or lust with Snackatron. 1088 00:58:17,833 --> 00:58:22,207 Hey. So they've got pizza on the bus. 1089 00:58:22,208 --> 00:58:24,291 - Mmm. Mm-hmm. - So I'm gonna head there, 1090 00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:29,082 but, um, please don't tell anyone about my purse. 1091 00:58:29,083 --> 00:58:31,667 - Oh, it's just shit. - I've actually done the exact same thing. 1092 00:58:32,333 --> 00:58:34,416 You may not teach Snackatron to be racist. 1093 00:58:34,417 --> 00:58:38,166 - Thanks, guys. I'll see you. - And you may never, ever ride Snackatron. 1094 00:58:38,167 --> 00:58:39,957 - Do you agree to these terms? - Yes. 1095 00:58:39,958 --> 00:58:41,666 Please click agree. 1096 00:58:41,667 --> 00:58:43,707 - Yes! - Fuck yeah! 1097 00:58:43,708 --> 00:58:45,749 Are you satisfied with your order? 1098 00:58:45,750 --> 00:58:47,832 God, let's eat this quick and get the fuck out of here 1099 00:58:47,833 --> 00:58:49,874 before we get sent to Gralk Hall. 1100 00:58:49,875 --> 00:58:52,207 Wait, what were you saying before about single rooms? 1101 00:58:52,208 --> 00:58:54,624 Oh, nothing, just that I'm requesting a room transfer 1102 00:58:54,625 --> 00:58:56,417 because I don't want to live with you anymore. 1103 00:58:59,875 --> 00:59:00,957 What? 1104 00:59:00,958 --> 00:59:05,250 Hello, boys. We've been looking for you. 1105 00:59:05,958 --> 00:59:09,082 You made quite the mess in my room. 1106 00:59:09,083 --> 00:59:11,374 So, are you satisfied with your order? 1107 00:59:11,375 --> 00:59:13,167 Collect their phones. 1108 00:59:14,750 --> 00:59:18,583 And take them to the wellness lounge. 1109 00:59:23,083 --> 00:59:25,707 Montgomery, are you satisfied with your order? 1110 00:59:25,708 --> 00:59:27,541 Are you satisfied with your order? 1111 00:59:40,917 --> 00:59:45,249 Wait! Wait, okay? Hey, let go of me! We have rights, damn it! 1112 00:59:45,250 --> 00:59:47,875 No, no, no, no, no, no! 1113 00:59:48,500 --> 00:59:52,167 Wait. You don't understand. Wait! At least give us our pizza. 1114 00:59:52,958 --> 00:59:55,625 At least give us our pizza. We need to eat pizza. 1115 00:59:56,708 --> 00:59:57,708 Do you have any pizza? 1116 00:59:58,583 --> 01:00:01,291 Do you have any pizza? 1117 01:00:01,292 --> 01:00:03,000 Fuck, Jack. What do we do? 1118 01:00:04,792 --> 01:00:06,707 You're requesting a room transfer? 1119 01:00:06,708 --> 01:00:08,832 No. Oh, good, we can lie again. 1120 01:00:08,833 --> 01:00:10,916 - Shit. - So you're fucking ditching me. 1121 01:00:10,917 --> 01:00:13,416 - I'm not ditching you. - Well, kind of looks like it. 1122 01:00:13,417 --> 01:00:15,707 - What the fuck else would you call it? - It's not-- 1123 01:00:15,708 --> 01:00:16,916 Oh, don't start. You know what? 1124 01:00:16,917 --> 01:00:18,666 You are just like everybody else, 1125 01:00:18,667 --> 01:00:20,166 - but it's okay. It's fine. - Jack. 1126 01:00:20,167 --> 01:00:22,832 Yeah, I get it because being around me is just, what, social suicide? 1127 01:00:22,833 --> 01:00:24,832 - It's okay. Leave me behind. - That's not what I-- 1128 01:00:24,833 --> 01:00:28,541 I might as well just move here into the wellness lounge with my people. 1129 01:00:28,542 --> 01:00:31,166 - Jack. Jack! - The scum, the forgotten folk. 1130 01:00:31,167 --> 01:00:32,457 - But it's fine. - I want-- 1131 01:00:32,458 --> 01:00:34,707 - It's a five-star fucking establishment. - I want some time-- 1132 01:00:34,708 --> 01:00:37,041 And you and your butterfly can just forget that I exist. 1133 01:00:37,042 --> 01:00:39,041 - After everything I've done for you… - I'm not-- 1134 01:00:39,042 --> 01:00:41,249 …you ungrateful asshole. 1135 01:00:41,250 --> 01:00:44,207 Oh, my God, would you stop being such a fucking victim? 1136 01:00:45,833 --> 01:00:48,707 I wanted to switch rooms because I need a fucking break. 1137 01:00:49,792 --> 01:00:53,749 I'm sorry, Jack, but living with you, it's like the Jack show all the time. 1138 01:00:53,750 --> 01:00:56,541 You do whatever you want to do without thinking about anyone else. 1139 01:00:56,542 --> 01:00:58,832 Okay, well, when the fuck were you planning on telling me this? 1140 01:00:58,833 --> 01:01:01,249 - I'm not a mind reader. - You don't listen. 1141 01:01:01,250 --> 01:01:04,166 You ignore me and then pressure me to do shit that I don't wanna do. 1142 01:01:04,167 --> 01:01:06,999 Name one thing I pressured you to do. 1143 01:01:07,000 --> 01:01:10,582 Drugs! I didn't want to do drugs tonight. 1144 01:01:10,583 --> 01:01:13,124 I don't even like drinking caffeinated tea. 1145 01:01:13,125 --> 01:01:14,332 But boo-hoo, 1146 01:01:14,333 --> 01:01:17,416 everybody hates Jack, so we gotta do what you wanna do 1147 01:01:17,417 --> 01:01:20,125 because apparently I don't count. 1148 01:01:21,375 --> 01:01:23,291 And now we're locked up in here. 1149 01:01:23,292 --> 01:01:25,332 We're gonna get chainsawed up the ass. 1150 01:01:25,333 --> 01:01:27,916 The RAs are sending us to Gralk Hall and-- 1151 01:01:30,333 --> 01:01:32,541 What the… What the fuck? 1152 01:01:32,542 --> 01:01:34,708 What the hell is going on? 1153 01:01:35,708 --> 01:01:38,249 And I have no idea what that was, but I know it was your fault. 1154 01:01:38,250 --> 01:01:41,791 Oh, please, if it wasn't for me, you'd never leave your room. 1155 01:01:41,792 --> 01:01:46,374 You would sit there, buried under your fucking covers, afraid to breathe, 1156 01:01:46,375 --> 01:01:51,750 because you are the most pathetic, biggest pussy I have ever met. 1157 01:01:53,542 --> 01:01:58,291 Gee, Jack, I really don't see why everybody hates your fucking guts. 1158 01:01:58,292 --> 01:01:59,957 - Fuck you. - Fuck you. 1159 01:02:10,208 --> 01:02:12,667 Him. Take him to the old study hall. 1160 01:02:14,583 --> 01:02:18,166 So remember when I said I wasn't gonna fart on their faces and… 1161 01:02:18,167 --> 01:02:19,624 Oh, shit, she's here. 1162 01:02:19,625 --> 01:02:23,082 Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy! 1163 01:02:23,083 --> 01:02:25,999 Sorry, where's that pizza? 1164 01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:28,082 Oh, shit, the pizza. 1165 01:02:28,083 --> 01:02:30,207 I just… I lied to you because you were taking forever. 1166 01:02:30,208 --> 01:02:32,458 Also, why do you smell vaguely of poop? 1167 01:02:33,083 --> 01:02:35,667 - I'll be right back. - Wait, you need to pay the driver! 1168 01:02:36,250 --> 01:02:37,999 Are you satisfied with your order? 1169 01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:40,541 Are you satisfied with your order? Are you satisfied with your order? 1170 01:02:40,542 --> 01:02:42,124 Are you satisfied with your order? 1171 01:02:42,125 --> 01:02:44,749 - Are you satisfied with your order? - Snackatron, 1172 01:02:44,750 --> 01:02:46,707 did you see where those two guys went? 1173 01:02:46,708 --> 01:02:49,583 Take them to the wellness lounge. 1174 01:02:50,500 --> 01:02:53,124 Cremble sauce! 1175 01:02:53,125 --> 01:02:58,457 I must know if Montgomery was satisfied with his order. 1176 01:03:07,375 --> 01:03:08,375 Hello, Jack. 1177 01:03:09,917 --> 01:03:10,917 Welcome. 1178 01:03:12,125 --> 01:03:13,583 Do you like the old study hall? 1179 01:03:15,917 --> 01:03:19,957 This room was built as a sanctuary 1180 01:03:19,958 --> 01:03:25,833 for hardworking students to research their theses and prepare for exams. 1181 01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:28,625 But now… 1182 01:03:30,458 --> 01:03:32,500 it's nothing but rubble. 1183 01:03:33,542 --> 01:03:34,542 What? 1184 01:03:37,458 --> 01:03:38,999 It's nothing but rubble. 1185 01:03:39,000 --> 01:03:40,000 Thank you. 1186 01:03:40,875 --> 01:03:42,083 The RAs recruited me young. 1187 01:03:43,583 --> 01:03:45,333 They promised me the world. 1188 01:03:46,792 --> 01:03:50,208 All I had to do was keep an eye on things after dark. 1189 01:03:51,583 --> 01:03:52,708 What they didn't mention 1190 01:03:54,667 --> 01:03:57,833 is that the dark never ends. 1191 01:03:59,125 --> 01:04:02,250 Try as I might, I couldn't calm the chaos. 1192 01:04:03,625 --> 01:04:06,082 This study hall was destroyed 1193 01:04:06,083 --> 01:04:09,957 when a drunken sophomore shot a Roman candle out of his ass 1194 01:04:09,958 --> 01:04:11,625 into a bucket of rum. 1195 01:04:12,542 --> 01:04:15,750 You see? There are no scholars here. 1196 01:04:16,625 --> 01:04:19,958 Only demons with student IDs. 1197 01:04:22,583 --> 01:04:25,292 And they must be purged. 1198 01:04:27,125 --> 01:04:30,666 All we need now is to unlock their phones. 1199 01:04:30,667 --> 01:04:33,750 And you, Jack, are the key. 1200 01:04:38,125 --> 01:04:43,208 Early Internet message boards predicted the coming of the chosen face. 1201 01:04:44,458 --> 01:04:48,583 One so distinct, so peculiar. 1202 01:04:49,750 --> 01:04:54,249 - So utterly freak-ass… - Come on. 1203 01:04:54,250 --> 01:04:59,125 …it would profoundly beguile every phone's face ID. 1204 01:05:01,208 --> 01:05:02,375 A skeleton key. 1205 01:05:03,500 --> 01:05:07,042 For nearly all of fall semester, we have searched for this face. 1206 01:05:08,500 --> 01:05:10,292 And now we've found it. 1207 01:05:19,167 --> 01:05:21,000 One face to unlock them all. 1208 01:05:22,083 --> 01:05:23,833 Montgomery. 1209 01:05:24,750 --> 01:05:27,042 Montgomery. 1210 01:05:28,583 --> 01:05:30,207 Where is the pizza? 1211 01:05:30,208 --> 01:05:31,333 The RAs took it. 1212 01:05:32,208 --> 01:05:34,499 Okay, well, come on. W-We gotta go get it. 1213 01:05:34,500 --> 01:05:37,458 No, I'm done. I'm staying here. 1214 01:05:38,125 --> 01:05:39,417 With the forgotten folk. 1215 01:05:40,292 --> 01:05:41,333 What are you talking about? 1216 01:05:42,125 --> 01:05:44,167 Wait, how did you get in here? 1217 01:05:44,958 --> 01:05:47,124 The door only locks from the inside. 1218 01:05:54,042 --> 01:05:55,375 Now how are we gonna get out of here? 1219 01:06:06,083 --> 01:06:08,624 Come on, come on. 1220 01:06:08,625 --> 01:06:11,666 You can do it. Prove them wrong, Snackatron. 1221 01:06:11,667 --> 01:06:13,457 Prove them all wrong! 1222 01:06:15,500 --> 01:06:16,832 Yippee! 1223 01:06:16,833 --> 01:06:20,125 Only 182 left to go. 1224 01:06:21,333 --> 01:06:23,541 I can't believe we're crawling through a fucking vent. 1225 01:06:23,542 --> 01:06:25,666 Keep going. It's gotta dump out somewhere. 1226 01:06:25,667 --> 01:06:27,708 I just wanted a quiet night in. 1227 01:06:28,583 --> 01:06:30,333 I keep getting friction burns. 1228 01:06:33,667 --> 01:06:35,583 Hey, why did you stop? 1229 01:06:36,958 --> 01:06:37,958 Lysander? 1230 01:06:40,083 --> 01:06:43,875 Lysander? Hey, hey, buddy, you okay? 1231 01:06:47,667 --> 01:06:48,667 Lysander. 1232 01:06:50,458 --> 01:06:51,458 Hey. 1233 01:06:56,667 --> 01:06:59,333 He's… dead. 1234 01:07:00,250 --> 01:07:03,166 I can't. What the fuck? 1235 01:07:03,167 --> 01:07:04,832 - Montgomery? - Oh, what the hell? 1236 01:07:04,833 --> 01:07:07,499 - Hey, Montgomery. Montgomery. - Oh, shit, I lost my butterfly. 1237 01:07:07,500 --> 01:07:08,582 I lost my best friend. 1238 01:07:08,583 --> 01:07:11,124 You have to keep it together. We have to get the pizza from the RAs. 1239 01:07:11,125 --> 01:07:14,041 No, I can't. There's too many of them. 1240 01:07:14,042 --> 01:07:16,749 Jack was right. I'm not an alpha. 1241 01:07:16,750 --> 01:07:18,374 I'm a fucking pussy. 1242 01:07:18,375 --> 01:07:21,707 - Montgomery, calm down. Hey, look at me. - I'm having a panic attack. 1243 01:07:21,708 --> 01:07:24,332 - Look at me. - No. 1244 01:07:24,333 --> 01:07:27,417 - Montgomery. Hey! - Just let me die! 1245 01:07:45,750 --> 01:07:48,750 Listen, you are not an alpha. 1246 01:07:49,792 --> 01:07:52,167 But you're also not a pussy. 1247 01:07:54,042 --> 01:07:57,124 You stood by your best friend when nobody else did. 1248 01:07:57,125 --> 01:07:58,417 That is brave. 1249 01:07:59,292 --> 01:08:00,292 I couldn't do that. 1250 01:08:03,042 --> 01:08:04,125 I, uh… 1251 01:08:05,042 --> 01:08:06,042 I didn't do that. 1252 01:08:08,625 --> 01:08:09,917 I ditched you guys. 1253 01:08:14,833 --> 01:08:17,292 I guess I thought that if I was friends with you, 1254 01:08:18,750 --> 01:08:20,667 then people wouldn't like me. 1255 01:08:22,792 --> 01:08:27,792 But turns out people don't like me very much anyway. 1256 01:08:28,542 --> 01:08:29,542 What? 1257 01:08:30,125 --> 01:08:31,292 Who doesn't like you? 1258 01:08:32,500 --> 01:08:35,542 You're, like, the coolest person I've ever met. 1259 01:08:36,417 --> 01:08:39,125 You're smart. You're good at board games. 1260 01:08:39,875 --> 01:08:41,208 You do magic. 1261 01:08:43,042 --> 01:08:45,541 I mean, you're Lizzy the Magnificent. 1262 01:08:55,583 --> 01:08:57,625 Sorry we didn't get to finish the game. 1263 01:09:00,583 --> 01:09:01,667 Yeah. 1264 01:09:02,292 --> 01:09:03,749 That would've been nice to finally… 1265 01:09:03,750 --> 01:09:05,874 The game! That's it. 1266 01:09:05,875 --> 01:09:07,832 Remember last campaign how we created 1267 01:09:07,833 --> 01:09:10,000 that musical distraction with the merry minstrels? 1268 01:09:11,625 --> 01:09:13,791 Yeah, but what does that have to do with… 1269 01:09:13,792 --> 01:09:15,708 Let's go storm the Fortress of Thalamir. 1270 01:09:20,833 --> 01:09:22,041 Wait. 1271 01:09:22,042 --> 01:09:24,291 Sorry, I have no idea what we're doing. 1272 01:09:24,292 --> 01:09:26,124 Oh, right, I have to be more specific. 1273 01:09:26,125 --> 01:09:28,416 The RAs took Jack and the pizza to the old study hall, 1274 01:09:28,417 --> 01:09:29,875 and I have a plan to distract them. 1275 01:09:30,958 --> 01:09:32,000 Okay. 1276 01:09:42,500 --> 01:09:44,708 I am doing it. 1277 01:09:55,083 --> 01:09:56,083 There we go. 1278 01:09:59,792 --> 01:10:01,457 Still looking for a gig? 1279 01:10:01,458 --> 01:10:04,416 Sorry, I need more information. 1280 01:10:04,417 --> 01:10:06,416 Oh, right, sorry, I have to be more specific. 1281 01:10:06,417 --> 01:10:07,541 The RAs took Jack-- 1282 01:10:11,833 --> 01:10:12,875 That's the last phone. 1283 01:10:13,667 --> 01:10:14,917 We're all set here, sir. 1284 01:10:16,875 --> 01:10:17,875 Listen up. 1285 01:10:19,458 --> 01:10:24,749 Tonight is a momentous occasion. 1286 01:10:24,750 --> 01:10:31,624 The phones are all unlocked, synchronized, and wired to the control panel. 1287 01:10:31,625 --> 01:10:35,041 Soon the transfer requests will be sent. 1288 01:10:35,042 --> 01:10:37,624 Our watch will finally be ended. 1289 01:10:37,625 --> 01:10:40,916 And a bright new day shall… 1290 01:10:40,917 --> 01:10:42,457 Sorry, what is that music? 1291 01:10:45,167 --> 01:10:46,499 We are Flesh Grenade. 1292 01:10:46,500 --> 01:10:49,208 Get ready for some fucking folk music! 1293 01:10:50,250 --> 01:10:54,000 1294 01:10:56,167 --> 01:10:58,667 What in the absolute fuck? 1295 01:11:01,875 --> 01:11:04,333 - What are you guys doing? - Shh. We're rescuing you. 1296 01:11:05,875 --> 01:11:07,958 - Hi. - Hi. 1297 01:11:09,042 --> 01:11:10,458 You look good. 1298 01:11:11,167 --> 01:11:12,167 Thank you, I know. 1299 01:11:12,750 --> 01:11:13,792 How have you been? 1300 01:11:14,417 --> 01:11:16,250 Fine, like you care. 1301 01:11:17,292 --> 01:11:19,249 If you're gonna talk like that, maybe I won't untie you. 1302 01:11:19,250 --> 01:11:21,291 - Maybe I don't want to be untied. - Maybe I'll add more rope. 1303 01:11:21,292 --> 01:11:22,374 Shut the fuck up. 1304 01:11:22,375 --> 01:11:23,832 - What the fuck? Give that back. - Show's over. 1305 01:11:23,833 --> 01:11:25,624 - Give it back. - Get the fuck out. Let's go. 1306 01:11:25,625 --> 01:11:27,499 - No. - Everyone get out. Take it outside. 1307 01:11:27,500 --> 01:11:28,666 We only have a few moments, 1308 01:11:28,667 --> 01:11:31,749 so you guys are gonna go get the phones, I'm gonna go get the pizza, 1309 01:11:31,750 --> 01:11:33,582 and then we're gonna reconvene at the stairwell 1310 01:11:33,583 --> 01:11:35,291 and then sneak out quietly. 1311 01:11:35,292 --> 01:11:36,374 - Got it? - Got it. 1312 01:11:36,375 --> 01:11:38,249 - Great. - Fuck you. 1313 01:11:38,250 --> 01:11:39,583 Let's move. 1314 01:11:40,208 --> 01:11:41,832 Montgomery! 1315 01:11:41,833 --> 01:11:44,207 - Fuck! - Are you satisfied with your order? 1316 01:11:46,708 --> 01:11:48,791 Look who's joined the party. 1317 01:11:48,792 --> 01:11:50,874 The last names on my list. 1318 01:11:50,875 --> 01:11:52,541 - Montgomery. - Hi. 1319 01:11:52,542 --> 01:11:53,832 Lizzy. 1320 01:11:53,833 --> 01:11:57,332 Can I just ask, why am I being sent to Gralk Hall? 1321 01:11:57,333 --> 01:11:59,457 I'm a really well-behaved kid. 1322 01:11:59,458 --> 01:12:01,499 I mean, I'm polite. I'm nice. 1323 01:12:01,500 --> 01:12:03,582 I'm responsible with my body in the dorms. 1324 01:12:03,583 --> 01:12:05,457 I tell you guys my favorite puns. 1325 01:12:05,458 --> 01:12:06,874 You're weird and we don't like you. 1326 01:12:06,875 --> 01:12:08,041 Copy that. 1327 01:12:08,042 --> 01:12:09,124 Fine, you caught us. 1328 01:12:09,125 --> 01:12:11,374 Can we at least just have the pizza? 1329 01:12:11,375 --> 01:12:12,500 Pizza? 1330 01:12:13,083 --> 01:12:16,749 Oh, this pizza. Yeah, it feels like it's missing a topping. 1331 01:12:16,750 --> 01:12:17,750 Maybe, uh… 1332 01:12:19,958 --> 01:12:20,958 toxic waste. 1333 01:12:21,792 --> 01:12:25,417 - What? No! - No! 1334 01:12:28,333 --> 01:12:33,792 Montgomery must be satisfied with his order! 1335 01:12:34,625 --> 01:12:35,832 - Yes! - Yes! 1336 01:12:35,833 --> 01:12:37,208 Oh, no! 1337 01:12:39,583 --> 01:12:41,458 Goddamn it, Snackatron. 1338 01:12:44,083 --> 01:12:45,125 Ah. 1339 01:12:45,708 --> 01:12:48,375 Well, time to die. 1340 01:12:49,458 --> 01:12:50,791 What? Are you gonna fucking kill us? 1341 01:12:50,792 --> 01:12:51,874 We're not… 1342 01:12:51,875 --> 01:12:53,207 No, we're not gonna kill you. 1343 01:12:53,208 --> 01:12:55,082 We're gonna like beat you guys up a bunch. 1344 01:12:55,083 --> 01:12:57,207 But how does that sound? "Time to beat you guys up a bunch"? 1345 01:12:57,208 --> 01:12:58,749 It scans weird. 1346 01:12:58,750 --> 01:13:00,583 I… Whatever. Just hurt them. 1347 01:13:07,875 --> 01:13:09,166 What's happening? 1348 01:13:09,167 --> 01:13:12,332 Oh, shit. It's the next phase. 1349 01:13:12,333 --> 01:13:13,833 Which one is this? 1350 01:13:14,375 --> 01:13:16,250 We are all one! 1351 01:13:30,250 --> 01:13:32,832 - What the hell? - Is everyone okay? 1352 01:13:32,833 --> 01:13:34,582 What just happened? 1353 01:13:34,583 --> 01:13:35,874 Where are we? 1354 01:13:35,875 --> 01:13:39,624 I think we're all inside some guy. 1355 01:13:39,625 --> 01:13:42,624 Oh, my God. I know what this is. 1356 01:13:42,625 --> 01:13:45,000 We're not "one." We're… 1357 01:13:45,833 --> 01:13:46,999 Hola. 1358 01:13:47,000 --> 01:13:48,250 My name is Juan. 1359 01:13:56,458 --> 01:13:59,166 What the fuck is this fucking drug? Goddamn it. 1360 01:13:59,167 --> 01:14:00,999 Who's controlling the legs? 1361 01:14:01,000 --> 01:14:02,374 - Me! - Who's me? 1362 01:14:02,375 --> 01:14:04,249 Jack! This is impossible. 1363 01:14:04,250 --> 01:14:05,332 - What's happening? - Shut up. 1364 01:14:05,333 --> 01:14:06,832 We need to move as one. 1365 01:14:06,833 --> 01:14:07,999 Did you say, "Juan"? 1366 01:14:08,000 --> 01:14:11,291 I said, "One." Move as one. 1367 01:14:11,292 --> 01:14:13,416 Wait, one or Juan? 1368 01:14:13,417 --> 01:14:15,291 - One. - It doesn't matter. Come on. 1369 01:14:16,833 --> 01:14:18,207 Ow. 1370 01:14:18,208 --> 01:14:20,166 - Get off of me. - You get off of me. 1371 01:14:20,167 --> 01:14:21,791 Guys, we need to focus. 1372 01:14:21,792 --> 01:14:23,749 - We're running out of time. - Enough. 1373 01:14:23,750 --> 01:14:26,042 And we're about to get our asses kicked. 1374 01:14:32,833 --> 01:14:33,916 Get 'em! 1375 01:14:42,083 --> 01:14:43,625 - Oh, my-- - God. 1376 01:14:44,125 --> 01:14:45,542 Do something. 1377 01:14:47,833 --> 01:14:48,917 Go, go, go, go, go! 1378 01:14:56,458 --> 01:14:57,708 Hi-yah! 1379 01:14:59,042 --> 01:15:00,374 What is happening? 1380 01:15:00,375 --> 01:15:03,750 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 1381 01:15:14,292 --> 01:15:15,999 Wait, wait, wait. Scorpion kick, scorpion kick. 1382 01:15:16,000 --> 01:15:17,250 Please, can we do a scorpion kick? 1383 01:15:21,750 --> 01:15:22,750 Thank you! 1384 01:15:27,375 --> 01:15:28,750 Whoa! 1385 01:15:32,333 --> 01:15:36,666 Well, everyone, here I am, the real me. 1386 01:15:36,667 --> 01:15:37,750 I'm not hiding anymore. 1387 01:15:41,083 --> 01:15:43,750 Oh. Good for you, man. 1388 01:15:45,708 --> 01:15:46,708 Okay. 1389 01:15:49,458 --> 01:15:50,875 Y'all are freaks. 1390 01:15:53,167 --> 01:15:55,457 - You forgot your balloons. - Keep 'em. 1391 01:16:40,083 --> 01:16:42,542 Oh, fuck. 1392 01:16:43,042 --> 01:16:45,041 Shit, shit. 1393 01:16:48,000 --> 01:16:50,250 - Get to the control panel. - We gotta stop the RAs. 1394 01:16:52,208 --> 01:16:54,082 Shit, shit, shit. I don't know how this works. 1395 01:16:54,083 --> 01:16:55,582 - What do I do? - Just break 'em. 1396 01:16:55,583 --> 01:16:57,249 - Shit. - Fucking destroy it. 1397 01:16:58,542 --> 01:17:02,208 Jack, Jack, Jack, give it up. 1398 01:17:03,375 --> 01:17:05,582 There's nothing you can do. 1399 01:17:05,583 --> 01:17:07,457 You can't stop this. 1400 01:17:07,458 --> 01:17:08,458 I can't? 1401 01:17:09,083 --> 01:17:10,083 No. 1402 01:17:11,208 --> 01:17:12,833 Except I can. 1403 01:17:14,375 --> 01:17:15,958 A third-party charger. 1404 01:17:17,250 --> 01:17:19,416 Wait! No, damn it, damn it! 1405 01:17:19,417 --> 01:17:20,582 Unhand me. 1406 01:17:20,583 --> 01:17:22,750 Wait, Jack! Look. 1407 01:17:25,833 --> 01:17:27,458 I've still got your phone. 1408 01:17:28,958 --> 01:17:31,708 I press send and that's it, you're transferred to Gralk Hall. 1409 01:17:32,458 --> 01:17:34,417 So before you fry those phones, 1410 01:17:35,250 --> 01:17:36,250 let's make a deal. 1411 01:17:37,542 --> 01:17:39,542 You give me that, I'll give you this. 1412 01:17:41,125 --> 01:17:42,125 And that will be that. 1413 01:17:43,250 --> 01:17:45,000 Plus, I'll sweeten it, 1414 01:17:46,667 --> 01:17:49,958 and I'll make you an RA, huh? 1415 01:17:52,542 --> 01:17:54,333 Why the fuck would I want that? 1416 01:17:56,000 --> 01:17:57,208 Because, Jack… 1417 01:17:59,833 --> 01:18:01,125 you know the truth. 1418 01:18:02,333 --> 01:18:06,082 No one at this school is ever going to forgive you 1419 01:18:06,083 --> 01:18:08,250 for what you did to the football team. 1420 01:18:09,000 --> 01:18:10,792 But you know what's better than being liked? 1421 01:18:12,917 --> 01:18:14,208 Being feared. 1422 01:18:15,958 --> 01:18:17,250 Power, Jack. 1423 01:18:18,250 --> 01:18:21,500 No one will ever bully you again. 1424 01:18:22,750 --> 01:18:25,457 Are you really gonna turn that down 1425 01:18:25,458 --> 01:18:30,042 to save a bunch of people who hate your guts? 1426 01:18:30,667 --> 01:18:33,625 Your own roommate was ditching you. 1427 01:18:35,167 --> 01:18:39,417 Save him and you'll rot in Gralk Hall. 1428 01:18:40,708 --> 01:18:44,500 Or with me on your side, 1429 01:18:46,042 --> 01:18:48,500 you can finally rule the school. 1430 01:18:54,500 --> 01:18:55,500 It's okay. 1431 01:19:02,083 --> 01:19:03,167 Montgomery, 1432 01:19:04,625 --> 01:19:05,708 I'm sorry. 1433 01:19:06,917 --> 01:19:08,416 Looks like I'll be shipping out. 1434 01:19:08,417 --> 01:19:09,499 What? 1435 01:19:09,500 --> 01:19:13,042 So next year, I want you to find the best new roommate. 1436 01:19:13,625 --> 01:19:15,332 - Jack. - Find someone who's gonna listen to you. 1437 01:19:15,333 --> 01:19:17,791 - Jack, no. You don't have to do this. - Jack. 1438 01:19:17,792 --> 01:19:21,332 I want you to tell that roommate to treat you good. 1439 01:19:21,333 --> 01:19:22,916 Jack, we could come up with something else. 1440 01:19:22,917 --> 01:19:25,166 Tell them to do all that boring bullshit that you like, 1441 01:19:25,167 --> 01:19:26,791 like the puzzles or that game… 1442 01:19:26,792 --> 01:19:29,082 - Come on. - …where you try to guess my favorite bird. 1443 01:19:29,083 --> 01:19:31,749 - Eagle? - It's not eagle. Quit guessing eagle. 1444 01:19:31,750 --> 01:19:33,166 I don't want this, Jack. 1445 01:19:33,167 --> 01:19:34,457 This is the only way. 1446 01:19:34,458 --> 01:19:36,791 - No, I changed my mind, Jack. - Jack. 1447 01:19:36,792 --> 01:19:37,999 I wanna room with you. 1448 01:19:38,000 --> 01:19:39,707 What you want isn't what you need, man. 1449 01:19:39,708 --> 01:19:41,041 - Jack. - I need you. 1450 01:19:41,042 --> 01:19:42,374 - I love you, Montgomery. - Jack! 1451 01:19:42,375 --> 01:19:44,832 - I love you, Jack. - I love you so much, 1452 01:19:44,833 --> 01:19:46,082 and I don't tell you enough. 1453 01:19:46,083 --> 01:19:47,583 Jack. The deal, the deal. 1454 01:19:48,458 --> 01:19:51,417 Come on. Be smart, Jack. 1455 01:19:52,208 --> 01:19:54,917 You have to think about yourself, okay? 1456 01:19:57,500 --> 01:19:58,500 No. 1457 01:20:01,125 --> 01:20:03,667 I need to think about other people's dicks. 1458 01:20:04,417 --> 01:20:06,499 What? No! 1459 01:20:17,750 --> 01:20:21,124 Goddamn it! You idiot! 1460 01:20:21,125 --> 01:20:23,625 Enjoy Gralk Hall! 1461 01:20:27,625 --> 01:20:29,375 Oh, Blake. 1462 01:20:31,208 --> 01:20:32,583 You forgot one thing. 1463 01:20:33,875 --> 01:20:36,167 I'm Lizzy the Magnificent, bitch. 1464 01:20:37,625 --> 01:20:39,124 Oh, my gosh! 1465 01:20:39,125 --> 01:20:40,499 - Oh! - How did she do that? 1466 01:20:40,500 --> 01:20:42,041 - I don't know. - That was incredible. 1467 01:20:42,042 --> 01:20:43,917 Fuck this! 1468 01:20:45,125 --> 01:20:46,166 Oh, shit. 1469 01:20:46,167 --> 01:20:49,166 Well, time to beat you to death with a pipe. 1470 01:20:49,167 --> 01:20:51,333 - That doesn't scan either. - Shut the fuck up! 1471 01:20:52,708 --> 01:20:54,749 Which one of you is first, huh? 1472 01:20:54,750 --> 01:20:55,750 Which one of you-- 1473 01:20:59,500 --> 01:21:00,999 Remember me? 1474 01:21:01,000 --> 01:21:02,791 Lysander! 1475 01:21:02,792 --> 01:21:06,249 You crushed my wings. You squashed my body. 1476 01:21:06,250 --> 01:21:08,124 You left me for dead… 1477 01:21:08,125 --> 01:21:10,707 - Get away. - …but you didn't finish the job. 1478 01:21:10,708 --> 01:21:13,166 Get away from me! Get away from me! 1479 01:21:13,167 --> 01:21:15,124 From the depths of the dormitory vents, 1480 01:21:15,125 --> 01:21:16,749 - I have returned. - Fuck! 1481 01:21:16,750 --> 01:21:18,541 Fuck you, butterfly. 1482 01:21:18,542 --> 01:21:20,291 Go get him, Lysander. 1483 01:21:20,292 --> 01:21:23,291 My name is Lysander Featherhelm, 1484 01:21:23,292 --> 01:21:26,166 Lord of the Syracuse Meadows. 1485 01:21:26,167 --> 01:21:28,707 I serve the one god Montgomery, 1486 01:21:28,708 --> 01:21:33,292 and I shall have my vengeance. 1487 01:21:33,792 --> 01:21:34,917 Scorpion kick! 1488 01:21:35,458 --> 01:21:38,292 No! 1489 01:21:49,708 --> 01:21:52,582 Victory, the sweetest nectar. 1490 01:21:52,583 --> 01:21:54,082 Monty, I'll see you at home. 1491 01:21:54,083 --> 01:21:56,042 Oh, shit. I got you, bud. 1492 01:22:03,625 --> 01:22:04,625 Oh, shit. 1493 01:22:07,000 --> 01:22:09,875 - Thanks. - Sure. I owed you one. 1494 01:22:11,583 --> 01:22:12,916 Well, guys, we did it. 1495 01:22:12,917 --> 01:22:15,750 We defeated the RAs. We ate the pizza. 1496 01:22:16,292 --> 01:22:17,542 Oh, wait. 1497 01:22:19,958 --> 01:22:21,041 What's happening? 1498 01:22:23,750 --> 01:22:24,750 What is that? 1499 01:22:25,292 --> 01:22:26,499 Oh, my God. 1500 01:22:26,500 --> 01:22:27,500 It's him. 1501 01:22:28,458 --> 01:22:29,458 The Rat King. 1502 01:22:52,583 --> 01:22:55,332 Hi, Lizzy. Remember me? 1503 01:22:55,333 --> 01:22:57,582 This fucking cunt. 1504 01:23:11,042 --> 01:23:12,208 I'm sorry, who are you? 1505 01:23:13,417 --> 01:23:14,707 I'm you, Jack. 1506 01:23:14,708 --> 01:23:16,208 The you you're scared you'll become. 1507 01:23:17,042 --> 01:23:18,457 Boring. Sober. 1508 01:23:18,458 --> 01:23:21,124 Obsessed with my bird feeder. 1509 01:23:21,125 --> 01:23:23,416 I also review sparkling water brands on YouTube. 1510 01:23:23,417 --> 01:23:24,542 Oh, my fuck. 1511 01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:27,249 - What's wrong with that? - That honestly sounds nice. 1512 01:23:27,250 --> 01:23:28,499 Fuck off. 1513 01:23:39,083 --> 01:23:40,166 Run! 1514 01:23:40,167 --> 01:23:41,458 Go! 1515 01:23:45,583 --> 01:23:47,124 - Shit. - What do we do? 1516 01:23:47,125 --> 01:23:49,125 What? 1517 01:23:53,333 --> 01:23:55,957 Time to float like graceful falcons. 1518 01:23:55,958 --> 01:24:00,667 They tried to censor us, but we will not be silenced! 1519 01:24:48,833 --> 01:24:52,416 Thank you! And good night! 1520 01:24:52,417 --> 01:24:54,082 Why did we think that would work? 1521 01:24:54,083 --> 01:24:56,042 Fuck off. That was fun. 1522 01:24:56,667 --> 01:24:58,832 There are so many condoms in here. 1523 01:24:58,833 --> 01:25:00,624 It's on your face. 1524 01:25:00,625 --> 01:25:02,458 I landed on the condom. 1525 01:25:03,375 --> 01:25:04,375 Hey, make a wish. 1526 01:25:04,958 --> 01:25:07,167 I wish I didn't land on the condom. 1527 01:25:09,625 --> 01:25:11,666 Well, look on the bright side, guys. 1528 01:25:11,667 --> 01:25:14,125 At least we got away from the nightmares. 1529 01:25:18,875 --> 01:25:20,833 Montgomery. 1530 01:25:22,167 --> 01:25:23,624 Let's go. 1531 01:25:26,042 --> 01:25:27,167 Let's go! 1532 01:25:31,292 --> 01:25:34,999 I wrote a complaint letter to Microsoft after they discontinued my favorite font. 1533 01:25:35,000 --> 01:25:36,874 God, no! 1534 01:25:36,875 --> 01:25:39,000 - Come on. Come on. - Fuck! 1535 01:25:51,375 --> 01:25:52,792 Well, well, well. 1536 01:25:54,750 --> 01:25:56,582 Hello again, dickheads. 1537 01:25:56,583 --> 01:25:58,000 How are you not dead? 1538 01:25:58,958 --> 01:26:02,041 You thought you could kill me? 1539 01:26:02,042 --> 01:26:04,582 - Get off the box! - Get your foot off the box! 1540 01:26:04,583 --> 01:26:07,917 It's gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of Blake! 1541 01:26:11,083 --> 01:26:12,500 - Grab him. - Hold him down. 1542 01:26:13,042 --> 01:26:14,374 What the fuck? 1543 01:26:15,542 --> 01:26:16,667 Open wide. 1544 01:26:17,917 --> 01:26:19,500 Happy sailing. 1545 01:26:21,500 --> 01:26:24,374 Do not take more than a single dose. 1546 01:26:24,375 --> 01:26:28,792 If you do, you will see the true horrible nature of reality. 1547 01:26:32,208 --> 01:26:34,749 …falling apart. 1548 01:26:34,750 --> 01:26:36,791 I just think my biggest concern right now 1549 01:26:36,792 --> 01:26:40,124 is how little of this makes any sense at all. 1550 01:26:40,125 --> 01:26:42,374 - Like what? - What do you mean like what? 1551 01:26:42,375 --> 01:26:44,916 Like… Okay, for example, how many college freshmen do you know 1552 01:26:44,917 --> 01:26:46,374 that own a pet butterfly? 1553 01:26:46,375 --> 01:26:48,457 That's what you find unbelievable? 1554 01:26:48,458 --> 01:26:52,374 We have a scene where the three leads become a Venezuelan man. 1555 01:26:52,375 --> 01:26:55,791 Fine. But we gotta come up with a better title than Pizza Movie. 1556 01:26:55,792 --> 01:26:58,749 Of course we're not calling it Pizza Movie. That's a placeholder. 1557 01:26:58,750 --> 01:27:01,166 I mean, if we can't beat that, I'm gonna walk into the goddamn ocean. 1558 01:27:01,167 --> 01:27:02,167 What the fuck? 1559 01:27:03,333 --> 01:27:05,707 Oh, God, one of the actors is here. 1560 01:27:05,708 --> 01:27:08,292 Hey, man, can you just give us like ten minutes please? Thanks. 1561 01:27:09,875 --> 01:27:12,374 Oh, so listen, I told my grandfather he could have a part. 1562 01:27:12,375 --> 01:27:13,417 Is that okay? 1563 01:27:14,583 --> 01:27:15,583 No. 1564 01:27:19,542 --> 01:27:21,375 W-We're in a movie? 1565 01:27:23,333 --> 01:27:25,708 We're in a low-budget movie. 1566 01:27:27,333 --> 01:27:30,250 My character's not written with any nuance at all. 1567 01:27:31,292 --> 01:27:32,292 I'm a caricature. 1568 01:27:34,583 --> 01:27:38,083 I, like, only deliver exposition. 1569 01:27:38,667 --> 01:27:40,666 What the fuck was that? 1570 01:28:17,208 --> 01:28:19,874 Mont-- Montgomery. 1571 01:28:25,333 --> 01:28:29,041 Were you satisfied with your fucking order? 1572 01:28:29,042 --> 01:28:30,292 Yes, Snackatron. 1573 01:28:32,458 --> 01:28:33,458 Yes, we were. 1574 01:28:36,750 --> 01:28:39,416 Thank you for ordering from… 1575 01:28:39,417 --> 01:28:43,582 Finally alone. Time to measure the length of my foreskin. 1576 01:28:43,583 --> 01:28:45,791 Wait, is this robot still recording-- 1577 01:28:45,792 --> 01:28:47,707 Goodbye. 1578 01:29:07,833 --> 01:29:10,417 Tell my story. 1579 01:29:13,792 --> 01:29:15,250 Lizzy! 1580 01:29:16,458 --> 01:29:19,667 Lizzy, let's go! 1581 01:29:20,542 --> 01:29:22,624 Montgomery. Over here. 1582 01:29:22,625 --> 01:29:25,791 - Hey, thanks for the gig. - Thank you. 1583 01:29:25,792 --> 01:29:27,207 You ready? 1584 01:29:27,208 --> 01:29:28,374 Let's get this night going. 1585 01:29:28,375 --> 01:29:30,749 I'm about to honk that horn like you won't believe. 1586 01:29:30,750 --> 01:29:33,791 Oh, my God, I feel so alive after performing. 1587 01:29:33,792 --> 01:29:36,916 Yeah, I can imagine with the electric torture. 1588 01:29:36,917 --> 01:29:37,917 Yeah. 1589 01:29:39,125 --> 01:29:45,708 Anyway, um, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out sometime. 1590 01:29:50,375 --> 01:29:53,457 Lizzy. You gonna give the driver your freaking credit card? 1591 01:29:53,458 --> 01:29:54,458 What's up? 1592 01:29:55,667 --> 01:29:57,000 Montgomery? 1593 01:29:58,875 --> 01:30:00,333 - Montgomery-- - No thank you. 1594 01:30:01,875 --> 01:30:03,292 - No? - No. 1595 01:30:04,458 --> 01:30:07,250 I do not think we are a good match. 1596 01:30:09,125 --> 01:30:11,041 - Why? - You scare the shit out of me. 1597 01:30:12,125 --> 01:30:14,541 But, hey, good… good luck on the music. 1598 01:30:14,542 --> 01:30:18,249 You're-- It's killer. Killer good, dawg. 1599 01:30:18,250 --> 01:30:21,082 Lizzy! Stop thinking pensively 1600 01:30:21,083 --> 01:30:23,499 and get your freaking credit card out and give it to the-- 1601 01:30:26,250 --> 01:30:28,041 Oh, my God. Logan. 1602 01:30:28,042 --> 01:30:29,042 Have fun. 1603 01:30:29,542 --> 01:30:30,917 Are you dead? 1604 01:30:44,833 --> 01:30:46,833 Hey, Freak-ass Face. 1605 01:30:57,792 --> 01:30:59,541 What time is it? 1606 01:30:59,542 --> 01:31:01,708 It's gotta be 5:00 a.m. 1607 01:31:02,542 --> 01:31:05,875 It's only 8:30. All that only took 45 minutes? 1608 01:31:06,500 --> 01:31:07,792 You guys wanna do something? 1609 01:31:10,833 --> 01:31:12,083 Wanna finish our game? 1610 01:31:13,458 --> 01:31:14,749 I'm down. 1611 01:31:14,750 --> 01:31:16,125 Me too. 1612 01:31:21,833 --> 01:31:22,833 And I… 1613 01:31:24,708 --> 01:31:26,167 am also down. 1614 01:31:27,458 --> 01:31:30,750 Oh, man. College is awesome. 1615 01:31:31,375 --> 01:31:32,957 I love being 19. 1616 01:31:32,958 --> 01:31:34,541 Grandpa, don't look at the camera. 1617 01:31:34,542 --> 01:31:37,666 - Don't talk to me that way. - Dude, this isn't working. 1618 01:31:37,667 --> 01:31:38,833 - Let's cut him. - Fine. 1619 01:31:42,542 --> 01:31:45,416 All right, should we start from scratch or pick up where we left off? 1620 01:31:45,417 --> 01:31:46,749 - Let's do it from scratch. - Yeah? 1621 01:31:46,750 --> 01:31:47,832 We got it. 1622 01:31:47,833 --> 01:31:49,707 - Oh, my God. This is exciting. - Okay, cool then… 1623 01:33:24,000 --> 01:33:27,791 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1624 01:33:27,792 --> 01:33:31,499 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1625 01:33:31,500 --> 01:33:35,207 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1626 01:33:35,208 --> 01:33:38,791 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1627 01:33:38,792 --> 01:33:42,582 ♪ Happy, nice, happy, nice Happy, happy, happy, nice ♪ 1628 01:33:42,583 --> 01:33:46,124 ♪ Happy, nice, happy, nice Happy, happy, happy ♪ 1629 01:33:46,125 --> 01:33:49,957 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1630 01:33:49,958 --> 01:33:53,582 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1631 01:33:53,583 --> 01:33:57,291 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1632 01:33:57,292 --> 01:34:01,167 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1633 01:34:02,625 --> 01:34:05,999 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1634 01:34:06,000 --> 01:34:09,124 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1635 01:34:09,125 --> 01:34:12,332 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1636 01:34:12,333 --> 01:34:15,708 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1637 01:34:17,208 --> 01:34:20,082 ♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice Happy, nice, happy, nice ♪ 1638 01:34:20,083 --> 01:34:22,791 ♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice Happy, nice, happy ♪ 1639 01:34:22,792 --> 01:34:25,666 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1640 01:34:25,667 --> 01:34:28,750 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1641 01:34:31,000 --> 01:34:33,666 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1642 01:34:33,667 --> 01:34:36,166 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1643 01:34:36,167 --> 01:34:38,707 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ 1644 01:34:38,708 --> 01:34:41,207 ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna die today ♪ 1645 01:34:41,208 --> 01:34:42,582 ♪ Someone's gonna die today ♪ 1646 01:34:42,583 --> 01:34:49,583 ♪ We're all gonna die today ♪ 125443