Original subtitles

It's gettin' late.

How much longer do we have to stay out here?

As long as it takes to get the story.

You wanna be a journalist and not an intern forever, right?

Yeah, just wish the article didn't have to be here.

Like I said before, when I do a story, I go all out.

And this one is about the cemetery being haunted.

We're gonna stay for a few more hours, then we'll go.

A few more hours! Seriously?

You're not scared, are you?

- No. - Mm-hmm.

It's just, I don't wanna have to be out here so late.

It's freakin' cold, man.

You wanted to learn from the best

and you're learning from the best, so stop whining.

Is your camera all good?

Uh, seems so.

So, this haunted part, what's the story you heard?

Supposedly someone or something

roams the cemetery at night.

The morning crew always finds blood the next day.

Probably just some animals.

Did you just hear that?

It's probably just an animal.

How we doin'?

Really shouldn't be hangin' out in cemeteries at night.

What the hell? Let go of me, man.

We weren't doing anything illegal.

What are you doing?

We're just here to get a story.

Ooh, a story. No stories here, I think.

Just a lot of bodies.

We'll be the judge of that, but thanks.

I'm, I'm with her.

Good. Well, it's really not safe out here.

There are a lotta wild animals.

A person could get bit.

We'll be fine.

Well, if you'd like, I can escort you both out.

But, I guess if you don't bother anything,

I guess I won't call the cops.

Have a nice night.

Okay, can we go now? I seriously do not like that guy.

If he's our story, we're gonna stay.

Just relax.

Bad batteries?

No way. I just put new ones in.

Let's just move to a different area.

This is a waste of time anyway.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Chill.

Okay, look, I got up on the wrong side

of the coffin this evening, all right?

But don't ruin this for me.

I'm feeling much better now that the meat is delivered.

Ha, it's party time. How's it goin'?

I found our story.

We found our story? I think we're gonna be the story!

Hey, wait, what...

Hey.

Fuckin' kids.

Okay, hey, wait for me. Hey, hey.

Welcome to my boring life.

It's not a bad marriage, just stale.

My sweet, innocent, wonderful,

yet very predictable wife, Linda.

We've been married 15 years

and have a crazy 13-year-old.

See?

Perfectly normal, cranky, drive-you-insane teen.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family,

I have a good job, a great wife,

but everyone hits that rut in their life

where time seems to slow down

and nothing exciting happens anymore.

Here I am at my job, typical office work.

I make a decent living.

It pays the bills and will gimme a retirement.

Excitement! Yay.

Sure, until one day things changed, a lot.

Is somebody there?

Come on, babe. Come on.

Hello?

Uh, hi, hon.

Uh, hi, Martin.

Why are you calling me? You realize it's really late?

Yeah. Could you come to the front door, please?

I need you.

If it's a bug-

No, hon, please. Front door?

Please.

Okay, you big weirdo, I'm comin'.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, hon. What ya doin'?

Just waitin' to come in. So.

Do you mind explaining that?

Yeah, it's kinda (chuckles), it's kinda funny actually.

Not ha ha funny, but kinda weird kinda funny.

Really? I love a good joke.

Actually, it's a role playing game I wanna try.

Oh, and what might that be?

Yeah, this game? It's not sexy.

I'm sure it could be.

And, uh, what if I don't invite you in?

What if I decide to leave you out here and go back inside?

Wh-what?

Yeah, I'm gonna not let you in.

I'm, I'm gonna go back. Okay?

No, hon. No, I...

You really are serious, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

Just a game, you know, for the bedroom.

So, what do you say?

Please don't purr.

Fine.

Martin McGill, will you do me the honor

of coming inside the house whenever you want.

Oh, thank God.

Are you okay?

My husband's a psychopath.

This is a really weird role playing game

you're doing right now.

Are you okay?

You probably shouldn't work overtime anymore.

I know.

I'm just trying to feel your head.

No.

A little cold there

even though it's not even cold outside.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't go to work tomorrow.

I mean, I did just work overtime today on a Saturday.

I might not even survive until Sunday.

Well, look, this is your job, so, you know.

As long as you're not spreadin' somethin' around, okay?

I'm just going back to reading, okay?

- Okay, hon. - All right, sure, sure.

Oh crap.

Uh, Martin, what is this?

Is this our wedding night?

Yeah, just taking my time gettin' into bed, hon.

Oh, so you're not gonna go use the bathroom,

wash your face?

'Cause you have a little something right there still, yeah.

Oh, um, yeah. I'm gonna use the bathroom.

Yeah.

Okay.

- You go do that. - Okay.

- Have a good time. - Okay.

Okay.

Oh my God, where the hell am I?

All right.

I'm a vampire.

I don't need these to see anymore.

How about that?

Oh God.

Shit.

What if I need to shave?

Cut the hell outta my face without being able to see myself.

Oh shit.

Something is seriously wrong with that man.

You can do this.

Oh, damn it.

Well, that certainly helps.

Screw shaving.

All right, Martin, time for bed.

Just don't bite your wife or tell her yet.

Oh, don't bite. Don't bite.

Oh, but look at that neck.

Oh God, she smells delicious.

Wait, wait, don't vampires also sleep during the day?

Oh shit, I'm gonna be awake all night

staring at my wife's neck.

That tender, juicy neck.

I can't just lie here and salivate all night long.

Put me out of my misery!

Yeah, no, I can't do this.

I'm goin' to the garage.

Where the heck am I?

This dream keeps getting weirder and weirder.

- Hi. - Hi.

This is a strange place for a beautiful woman to be,

don't you think?

You know when your dreams take you to really weird places

you can't do anything about it.

Yeah, that's, that's true.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's true.

I woke up in like a, I don't know, is this a crypt?

Not sure whatever the hell this place is.

Yeah, what's wrong?

You seem a little tense.

Just gotta get outta here, you know,

wherever the heck I am.

This place is really weird.

Oh, look at that.

I've just run into dead animals on the ground there.

- Yeah. - Don't mind that.

That's just raccoon.

Gosh, you know, it's so weird.

Have I seen you before

- from somewhere? - Huh? Really?

And I'm smelling something. I'm smelling everything.

Like, oh gosh. What is that?

Hold that thought.

Okay.

Now then, where were we?

Oh, yeah. You were telling me what's wrong.

Well, since I'm in a really weird dream,

you know, why not?

Okay, so my husband's been acting very odd lately,

and on top of it, I think our marriage

has just gotten a little bit stale.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Is is there a lot at stake?

Ah, (chuckles) yeah.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Do things just suck?

I'd really like to wake up right about now.

As you wish.

I'm alive. I'm alive.

I'm not on fire. (laughs) I'm alive.

I'm alive. Think I'm a daywalker.

Oh.

And what is a daywalker?

Oh!

I'm alive.

Do you have a fever?

No, not a fever.

- Nope. - Martin.

Nope, nope. Don't come any closer.

Stop.

Thank God our daughter is at a friend's house.

And today's Sunday, so, don't really need the overtime.

Now, you. Ah!

This is really kinda kinky.

But seriously, yeah, I don't know how you did it,

but you need to take those teeth out.

I can't do that right now.

Mm.

But you do smell so lovely.

Can you stop a sec, this kinda tickles.

Stop it. This is weird foreplay.

Ah, not foreplay.

We need to talk.

Did you super glue your teeth in?

I didn't glue them. Watch.

Sweetie, I don't think I've ever heard you scream like that,

except for that time we had

the really big snake in the house.

Or that time Morgan made you drink her lemonade.

I know.

Sweetie, it's me, your husband of 15 years.

Mm-hmm.

Look, I won't bite you.

I'll try not to bite you.

Remember last night when I couldn't come in?

Well, I had just been bitten.

I'm a vampire.

Honey, please don't scream.

I know this isn't normal, but I can't let you up just yet.

Not till I'm sure you won't try to kill me.

I love you.

I do, I love you, and I know you love me,

and murder isn't in you, right?

Okay. Right?

So you're a v-v-

A vampire. I know, crazy, right?

This feels so weird.

And on top of wanting blood,

there's something else I want from you.

And I can smell

all those delicious animals outside.

Bunnies. Squirrels.

A rat.

Can, can, can you let me up?

You're kinda hurting me.

Okay, uh, just promise you won't try to run,

or bash my head in, or go to the cops.

I think I can move pretty fast without meaning to, okay?

Okay? Come on, it's okay.

So you're a, a...

Vampire.

She's so light. Honey, come back to me.

Come on, come on, come on. Wake up.

Honey, come on, come on, come on.

Come here. Come back.

Come on. Come on.

Hi.

Oh God, no one prepared me for this part of marriage.

To be fair, I don't think

this is in any book about marriage,

so, new territory for both of us?

Oh God, what about your job?

Oh yeah. Crap.

Um, I'm gonna have to call in sick.

I don't really need the overtime anyway today.

So, maybe I can work from home.

You probably would have a better chance

of calling out with COVID right now,

at least till we can also figure out in case you get hungry.

Oh yeah. Good point.

I knew I married a smart lady.

Oh, I just didn't know I married a vampire!

Ah, ah, correction, you married a human.

I didn't become a vampire till last night.

And what about our daughter?

Who?

Our daughter!

Yeah, um, yeah, I don't think we should tell her just yet.

She's going through a lot right now

and I don't think she can handle this.

Hell, we are trying to handle this right now.

First things first, I'm gonna call my boss,

then we're gonna do some research.

Oh great, what are we gonna do?

Check on social media?

Encyclopedia.

We don't own one of those, Martin.

It's not the '90s!

Okay. Wow.

Well, we'll figure out how to do some research.

- Oh God. - We know one thing.

- Hmm? - Sunlight doesn't hurt.

- Oh, sunlight, sunlight. - Although when we go outside,

I should probably wear SPF anyway.

Sunlight, sunlight, sunlight.

Because what if full sun turns me into a fried crispy?

I think I'm a daywalker.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This thing. This guy.

Listen, daywalkers are real.

A daywalker is a vampire who can walk around

in the daytime and the sun doesn't kill them.

Used to be a pregnant woman gets bitten by a vampire

gives birth to a daywalker.

But the rules seem to have changed.

So be forewarned.

- Oh crap. - He's so creepy.

- Creepy. - So, uh...

Yeah, so let me get this straight here.

That means anymore that a mother,

if she's pregnant and she gets bitten, yeah, okay.

Oh God.

Oh, I learned something else.

Last night when I was trying to shave,

I learned that I have no reflection in the mirror.

You tried to shave?

- Yeah. - Oh God.

Can you imagine trying to shave

without being able to see your own face?

I could've killed myself!

I thought I heard you making a lotta noise

in that bathroom last night.

Yeah.

We're just gonna have to test some things out.

Oh God.

I do know I need to learn how to control my urges

because your neck is looking really tasty right now.

I think I want blood.

We can do this.

You and me, we're a married couple.

- Oh God. - Yeah.

Oh, hi, Nelson. It's Martin.

Yeah. (coughs) Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to come in today.

Yeah. Okay, I'll see you soon, hopefully.

Bye.

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Vampires have many hiding places.

Some may even have magical powers.

Cool.

If you step into this cave wearing these glasses,

you will see vampires everywhere.

Without them you won't.

Are they invisible, perhaps?

It may seem dangerous,

but here these vampires are calm and relaxed.

There are vampire support groups. So cool!

Oh, hey, you weren't gone long at all.

You gotta see this.

This is so (screams).

Burns! Linda!

What the hell?

I am so sorry. I did not expect that to work.

Linda, what the hell? What to work?

What is in that thing?

Holy water.

Who thought that actually exists?

You have holy water in that thing?

Yeah, but just a few drops, and you lived.

Where did you get that?

I kinda snuck into the church

in my pajamas and stole it from them.

- What? - If they saw me on camera,

I'm sure I could lie my way out of it.

- Oh my God. - Holy water?

For what?

Well, you've been fighting urges to bite me and stuff,

and there's other vampires around,

and we do have a daughter to think about,

and myself, you know.

I'm sorry.

So you just randomly spray me?

I'm sorry. I love you?

It's okay. Nevermind.

We'll just chalk that up to the fact that it hurts!

I love you.

If you're going for protection,

why don't you just wrap yourself in bubble tape?

Or better yet, tape my mouth, or glue my mouth,

or cap my teeth.

Look, we just have to be able

to keep you from biting people, that's all.

Yeah, and there's another vampire out there

turning people into vampires.

- Oh God. - We gotta stop 'em.

So, us protect our town from vampires and stuff?

- Yeah. That's funny. - Yeah.

So there, there's one thing I'm wondering.

I can't believe I'm gonna ask this.

What happens if we wanna have sex?

What happens if you're like really, really strong

or something and you like stare into my eyes

and there's like this real crazy trance thing

and you get pregnant or something.

Whoa, whoa, you think I can get you pregnant?

I think I'm kind of dead.

I don't know it for sure.

Have you not seen in the movies and things

where that one does, and the other does,

and he kinda sparkles, that's what he does.

I mean... Okay, all right, all right,

all right, all right, all right.

We'll just, we'll keep trying things out.

We've tried some things out so far.

Thank God for social media, right?

Right?

So, how are, how, you know?

How do you think we would test sex?

Hi.

You know, when you stare like that,

it's like everything is blocked outta my head

except wanting you very, very badly.

Cool.

And God, what if you're up all night?

If I'm up all night, you're up all night.

Ew, that's not what I meant.

You know where vampires have to sleep?

Oh God, I guess that social media theory is true.

So, um, so, okay.

Let's test this.

- Yeah.? - Oh God.

This could be fun for both of us.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

You don't know how bad I want you.

I am so gonna die.

- God. - Oh, sorry, hon.

You tossed me.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I didn't know my own strength.

You tossed me.

Are you okay? Are you okay in there?

You okay?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, okay.

- Let's go. - Oh God!

I'm gonna die.

- Yeah. - Oh God, no biting!

No biting!

He's got teeth. He's got teeth!

It's very simple, really.

If you wanna turn into a bat,

you need to get hit with a bat.

Now you can do it yourself

or you can have someone do it for you.

And from the looks of you, there's plenty of people

that would be ready and willing to hit you with a bat.

So, bat for a bat.

Let me know how it goes for you.

Whoa.

Cool.

That's an interesting way right there.

Oh God.

Oh man, I can't believe how much energy I have.

Oh, by the way, when we go outside later,

I need to completely cover myself in sunblock

because that is a lotta sun now compared to earlier,

and I don't wanna burst into flames.

Maybe I'll just sizzle, or sparkle,

or get a really bad sunburn.

You tore my blouse.

I'm just gonna have to do some more research.

Oh, look here it says rain is good and fog.

So that's good, maybe I can only go outside

when it's rainy or foggy.

- Sunglasses. - You tore my top.

Gotta get some of those.

Sorry, honey, what are you saying?

I'm just, I, this is so interesting.

You yore my top.

Oh, sorry, babe.

I'm gonna have to work on holding back.

Oh God, what am I gonna tell my doctor?

How am I gonna walk? And how am I gonna explain the bruises

to our daughter and stuff?

I don't know, fell maybe?

We don't have stairs, Martin!

So really, what did you think of my performance?

Wow.

Yeah.

That is the best compliment you've ever given me.

Cool.

Question.

You wanna go again, right?

Dear God, please don't stare into my eyes like that again.

Are you crazy? We just went.

Sorry. You're just so enchanting.

I must look like a prime rib to you right about now.

Yeah, maybe that, too.

Sorry. Okay, just what about if you're hungry?

Hungry or horny?

Hungry!

Hungry, ah.

I'm good right now, but last night was excruciating.

It was like the longest night of my life.

It was longer than the 20 hours

that you were in labor with Morgan.

I laid there for half the night, and I couldn't take it.

Had to get up and go to the garage.

So I'm guessing you should probably

be asleep right about now.

Ah, mixed information on sleep.

Some sources say I don't need any sleep.

Some say I need to sleep during the day.

Even one said I need to sleep at night.

But again, what if you get hungry?

Maybe I could try animals?

Do you think you could really do that?

I may have no choice. I can't just take your blood.

It's either animals or I go bitin' everyone else's necks.

Well, you definitely can't be eating our pets

or the neighbors' pets.

Well, I'm not just gonna snarf, snarf all the pets like...

- Oh God. - I'm just gonna

take a little blood.

What happens if you turn 'em into little vampires

or you drain them completely of their blood?

Oh (chuckles), can you imagine anything worse

than a bunch of rabid vampire rabbits?

How about hundreds of 'em?

No.

You could just, you know, put 'em in a trance

like you do with me.

A trance. That reminds me of somethin'.

I have an idea.

Let's do this.

What are you doing?

- Martin? - Yeah, I have an idea.

We're gonna try something.

Whatcha doin'?

Stab me in the eye with it.

You have seriously lost it.

No, really. I read that if you stab me in the eye with it,

then I can't put you in a trance.

So, you know.

- Martin. - Come on. Now Linda.

- Is it in? - Uh-huh.

- Are you in a trance? - Uh-uh.

I don't think this is working.

Uh-uh.

The, the, the, the...

I don't think that was such a good idea.

We shouldn't try social media anymore.

Or be very careful. God.

Either you want sex again

or you're very hungry.

Our daughter is home.

Oh goody.

Let's go get my robe, the holy water,

and get the blood off of you and outta my hair, okay?

Blood off of me, robe and holy water, okay.

If there's any on my hair too, we'll get that out.

- Oh God. - Okay, okay. Okay.

I don't wanna know what you've been doing.

Couldn't you at least have been dressed

by the time I got home?

And Dad, I thought you'd still be at work.

Uh, your dad wasn't feeling too well today,

so he stayed home.

Let me get this straight.

Dad wasn't feeling well,

so you're both standing there in your bathrobes.

Are you sick too, Mom?

Dad played hooky, so you two could...

Oh my God.

Not quite right there, honey.

Which part?

Well, it's true I'm not quite myself today,

so I did stay home.

And what about Mom?

Hmm, what time is it?

Two in the afternoon.

I don't think Mom's sick.

I just came home a little early

and just potentially interrupted my parents from...

Nope.

- Huh. - Well that was easier

than we thought.

Great, now our daughter thinks we're having crazy sex.

Well, we coulda told her the real reason.

And to be fair, we were having crazy sex.

You mean more like dangerous sex.

That's why we have insurance.

Hmm, well at least you didn't try to bite her neck.

Honey, I love you, but I'm getting hungry.

Um (chuckles)...

How about mac and cheese? Want mac and cheese?

Uh, no.

Ooh!

21, 22, 23. - Martin.

What? I, I heard the thing about the toothpicks.

I thought it was wrong, but...

Are you seriously counting toothpicks?

I think there's some truth to it.

I'm adding that to the grocery list.

I'm just gonna go leave you with this.

- 26. - Bye.

Stop wiggling.

Hey.

Do you mind if I go now to another sleepover?

I mean, it is a school break starting tomorrow.

- Bye. - Bye!

Okay, you can untie me now, she's gone.

You know, I should probably really leave you tied up.

You know, it might be safer for our neighbors and me.

Maybe chains would be better.

You know I'd eventually be able to get free, right?

Yeah, you're probably right.

All right, I'm gonna go to the store.

You stay right here, okay?

I'm just gonna go get you, what do you call, some meats,

and don't ask me how I'm gonna get this,

but I'm gonna get you, oh, I can't believe I'm saying this,

blood bags.

Thank you. I love you.

Come back soon.

Martin.

Can't help it.

Martin.

Martin we just did it, Martin.

- Martin. - Come here, baby.

Mm.

Ow.

Oh.

Sorry, hon, I think the only way you can kill me

is a stake through the heart, chopping off my head,

or a hell of a lotta holy water.

Goin' to the store now?

Yes, I'm gonna go and get your blood bags.

Yeah!

Stay there.

Okay, love you. Hurry back.

Yep, yep, bye-bye. Whatever.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Do I want to know how my wife is gonna get me blood bags?

Nope. I don't think I do.

Where is Linda? I'm getting really hungry.

Hey, Martin, I got you a bunch of meats from the store,

although we're gonna go broke really quickly, though.

Please tell me that was not one of Morgan's.

Her snake didn't get out, did it?

I hope not.

- I hope not, too. - I can't have that.

Mm, that smells good!

- What'd you get me? - Outta the package already.

Smells good. Smells good.

You're like a greedy toddler wanting sugar

for the fifth time.

I don't know, I heard something about a Ring Pop.

- Ring Pops! - Sunblock.

Okay, now do not ask how I got these,

but I got you two blood bags.

- Whoa. - Okay?

Now you need to, oh, sure.

Look, this will keep you from wanting

to nipple nibble me, okay?

- Say what? - Nipple nibble.

- Nibble? - Bite!

- I can bite you? - No!

Not even a nibble?

- No. - Fine.

And now be a little careful there.

- Martin, don't squeeze that. - How do you open this?

Sorry, babe.

I hate you.

Oh, oh. Ah.

Sorry, honey.

Um, can I help you get it off?

I could help you and I could help me.

I'm just gonna, I'm gonna help, I'm gonna help you.

There we go.

Mm, that's good. Yeah.

I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

You greedy little pig!

Ah, I'm a vampire. I'm not a pig.

I told you.

Are you sure you don't want help?

I can...

No holy water.

I'm gonna go rinse this off now.

- Okay. - Take a shower.

And you enjoy the other blood bag!

You look really sexy right now.

Sure you don't want me to help you?

'Cause I can help you get it off. It could help me.

- You (growls)! - Okay, all right.

You greedy mother.

Told you not to squeeze it!

Okay, the other one. This one.

There's an easy open tab right here.

There it goes.

Okay, well, that came off. All right.

Oh God.

Hi wifey.

Not a third time!

- Mm. - God.

Please forgive me over the blood bags,

my most beautiful wife.

Dear God, what drugs are you on?

And just for the record, I'm very sore from you right now.

Oh, um, sorry.

I'm sorry, I know this is hard for you.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna do everything I can

to keep you and Morgan safe

and get you through this intact.

And protect our town.

Oh, by the way, garlic?

Not... Oh God,

you better so use a mint after that.

Least I'm using a cup and a straw.

Okay, do me a favor, stay here.

I'm gonna go get you some blood bags, okay?

And I love you for that.

Oh, I'm having some meat delivered.

It should be here shortly.

Don't worry, I got a really good discount.

Promise it won't happen a lot.

Maybe I should stay here until the delivery person's here.

Sweetie, sooner or later

we're gonna have to leave me alone.

We can't watch me forever.

Okay, you're probably right,

but please do me a favor.

Stay, oh God he's got the fangs, stay here.

Don't go anywhere. Okay?

- Of course. - Okay?

I never thought I could love someone so much

for getting me blood.

You don't know how disgusting and loving

at the same time that sounds, do you?

- Yeah. - Oh God.

Hurry back, hon.

Yeah, you take that mint now.

Definitely several mints.

Love you.

Oh, hey, got some groceries for ya?

It's, I mean, it's meat.

It's, it's, it's a lotta meat.

Mm, yeah. (chuckles) Just in time for dinner.

Come on in.

Sure, I can use a break.

There we go. Is it expired?

Okay, whatever.

There ya go.

Thank you for doin' business.

Thank you, thank you for doin' business.

So, it's none of my business, but I gotta ask,

why do you need so much blood anyway?

And actually it may be a better question for you,

how the heck did you know

that we sell it given we're a morgue?

I really should be asking you

why you're selling blood illegally from a morgue.

That's a fair point.

It's not exactly like we put it on Yelp, is it?

Nah, yeah, you know, I won't tell if you don't tell.

Plus you wouldn't believe me if I told you,

but my husband's a vampire.

I bet he is.

Sure he is.

That's the best answer I've heard in a long time.

I bet the next thing you're gonna tell me

he needs a coffin or something', too, right?

Oh, you're serious, aren't you?

Well, I mean, we can make some things happen for sure.

I mean, you know, we'll see what we can do.

Doctor. Doctor.

Hi.

Have I seen you before?

Maybe. Maybe in a dream.

Actually, I think I have.

Isn't that something?

Blaine, thinks she's seen me in a dream.

More like a nightmare to me.

Yeah, a nightmare.

Oh. Trick or treat.

Look, if you need any help taking those bags

out to your car, I would be more than happy to assist.

Actually, come here for a second. So...

Milton here is just answering

some questions about a procedure.

I work with bodies a bit

- at the cemetery! - Yeah, a lotta, lotta...

Look, if you're serious about needing a coffin,

our owner, Mr. Relic, would personally

deliver that coffin to you.

You see, strangely enough, he has a thing for vampires.

So, if your husband is really a vampire,

I'm sure he'll be more than happy

to give you a discount on all the blood you need.

As long as it's not expensive, that'd be great,

and I bet you have it 'cause this place...

Do you have a bottle of mercury (indistinct)?

We do have one special coffin

that you may be able to afford.

- Okay. - I mean, granted,

it's not the biggest seller.

You know what, let's go out to your car and I'll show you.

Yeah, I'll even help you, I'll deliver it to you.

But, are they, oh...

Oh yeah, no, no, it's okay.

We will take it to your car. Yes.

Just gonna, just gonna stay behind

and check on the, check on the bo...

But, but... The procedure.

- Procedure! - It's a busy procedure.

It's a busy procedure.

Yep, yep. Absolutely.

I gotta stop doin' this.

Oh no! Stop!

- Mm. - Yeah.

Meat smoothie time.

♪ Smoothie time ♪ - Looks great.

♪ Smoothie time, it's ready for you ♪

Nice and bloody.

- Mm. Cheers. - Cheers.

Oh wow, that's fantastic.

Yeah, my wife has good taste in meat.

Yeah.

These aren't even from the ones you brought.

Oh? No?

Mm. Yummy.

Speaking of which, how's she gonna handle the whole

you biting me thing?

Oh, yeah. Probably not so well.

- Mm. - Yeah.

I am sorry about biting you again.

I couldn't help it.

You just, you smelled so appetizing?

You know, I've heard that.

My girlfriend tells me that.

Hey, you know, it'll probably be okay.

I normally sleep all day

and play video games all night anyway,

so it probably won't make that big of a difference.

Plus, once we get the hang of flying...

- Ooh. - That's gonna

change everything, it's gonna be a whole new game.

Oh yeah. I haven't tried that yet.

Yeah.

Apart from not wanting the neighbors

to see me flailing around,

this is only my second night as a vampire.

Hey, well now you got you a vampire bro.

- I do! - Yep.

- Thanks, buddy. - All right, yeah,

we're gonna have a good time.

Yeah, you seem cool.

I wonder if we could turn into bats.

Actually, come on.

Hit me with it.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. It's cool.

- Did you feel that? - Let me see the bat.

- Yep. - Yep.

Oh! Mm.

- You feel that? - Yep.

Yeah.

Not a good idea.

No.

I'm just glad I was able to allow everybody in.

Did you hurt yourself?

- Yeah, I did. - Okay.

I work in a morgue, not in a damn cemetery.

And that's a little weird, but, um...

Oh my gosh, look (stammering) you weren't lyin'!

Hi, hon.

Meet our new delivery guy, Arnold.

And who is your friend?

Did you bite him?

Maybe.

And are you drinking blood shakes?

A smoothie.

Oh, that is disgusting.

Ooh, God, I gotta tiptoe around that stuff.

Dude, you guys are like vampires, right?

Yeah.

How do you get those teeth like that?

I wanna get, those are...

They just grow.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hi, honey. Sorry you're not feeling well.

Oh.

I wanna talk to you alone, now.

Hey guys, do you mind?

- Yeah, I guess so. - Yeah.

Can I talk to you about, I wanna...

Thank you Mr. Relic and goodbye.

- Okay. - I'm gonna head out.

Okay, I'll call you.

- Talk to you tomorrow. - Yeah, we'll see, yeah.

How long have you been a vampire, man?

- Five minutes ago. - Really?

You wanna die again?

I didn't think so.

Uh-huh.

That's it.

All I wanna do is to get some frickin' sleep.

Um, where am I?

This is not the morgue or the cemetery.

What is going on?

Mr. Relic, please gimme a ride home.

Let's go to the morgue.

Okay. I'm going to the morgue.

Hey, do you think you could turn me into like a vampire?

Like, right now?

- Well yeah. - Yeah, totally.

Oh wait, where in the neck do I wanna get?

I mean, probably just right here.

But is it gonna hurt, though?

Well, you know.

Oh, come on already.

What? (screams)

Ow! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

What did you do to me?

- You big baby. - I'm gettin' outta here.

Such a big baby.

What are you doin'? You bit me?

Stop it.

Um, okay, so Arnold arrived with the meats,

and one thing led to another,

and then before I knew it,

I had someone to share my pain with.

Someone to understand what I'm going through.

Plus, we need someone else on our team

to help protect the town.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Okay, so let me see if I get this straight.

You thought biting another person

and turning them into a vampire

would protect our town from turning into vampires!

Did I get that right?

Well, when you put it like that.

Uh, too soon?

Don't get out the holy water.

Don't get out holy water.

Thank God.

What?

Yes, you can come in the house!

Love you.

And you know that this is gonna be a great time.

Wait a minute, what are you doing home?

- Nothing. - You just called my phone

to come in.

You bit our daughter!

What? Ow, ow, ow, stop.

God, you are strong.

First of all, I couldn't have done this.

I've been here all day. I've only bitten Arnold.

- I don't believe you! - Mom.

Look at me.

Don't start that trance thing again!

Mom, Dad!

What?

Dad didn't do this, honest.

I know I've lied about stuff, but not this.

- So... - Come here.

If you didn't bite her... It's okay. Come here.

Then who did?

I don't know.

It was so fast and... One fang, two fang.

And what?

I'm so hungry!

So am I.

Two sets of teeth.

Hi.

Hi.

We heard noises.

Lots of noises.

I'm so sorry, were we too loud?

In our backyard.

We got scared.

And concerned.

May we come in?

Please?

Hey, guys.

Hi, everyone.

Some screams were heard in this area.

No screams that we heard of, right, Drew?

Nope. None at all.

Yeah, our neighbors here were just saying

they heard some sounds in the backyard,

maybe some animals.

I heard that, you know, if a female fox is in heat,

she tends to scream like a woman being murdered.

Um, okay, let's just hope it's that.

I hope so.

If you two don't mind,

I'd like to take a look around your backyard just in case.

If that's okay.

Right this way.

Bye, Martin. Bye, Linda.

The officer.

Sorry, we gotta keep you safe, so just let it go.

Come on.

Just breathe.

So, our neighbors, Martin.

Yeah, I know.

They're vampires.

- I know. - Tony and Drew?

They vampires now?

Yeah, and Stan, too.

Kinda cool.

What did I say?

Martin, you know, if you didn't, she didn't,

and our neighbors are turning to vampires, what if I'm next?

Honey, hey, I won't let anything happen to you,

unless you wanna become a vampire.

Don't worry. Hey, you and Morgan mean the world to me.

And I know I didn't do a good job protecting Morgan,

but I'll be damned if I let anything happen to you.

- Dad? - Yeah.

My drink's out.

Well, you got two legs. Go get it yourself.

Geez, I made plenty.

Did she drink that whole thing already?

Sorry.

Oh, baby, look at me.

Look at me.

Hey, I'm working on not pulling you in so deep.

I just can't help it.

Your eyes are just so

- enchanting. - Oh God.

Ew. Daughter here.

All right, Linda, I'm gonna take Morgan here out hunting.

And while we're outside,

I want you to call your sister and get her here.

Mm-hmm.

You're gonna need someone else to talk to about this,

and if this thing is spreading like we think it is,

she's gonna need to know fast.

You ready, Momo?

- Mm-hmm. - Let's get some animals.

Yeah, I'll get my phone.

I need a vacation, and a divorce right after.

Yeah.

I don't know why you don't eat these more.

They're delicious.

First of all, you don't eat them,

you just bite the neck and draw a little blood.

You don't tear into it like a werewolf.

Gosh, you really need a bib.

Do werewolves exist?

I don't know, probably.

I mean, we just found out vampires exist, so.

I just hope not because I don't think

I can handle anything else.

What are we gonna do about Mom?

Mm, I don't know.

But our main goal needs to be to protect her,

if even from us.

Do you think this is gonna get worse?

Probably.

- Hey Dad? - Yeah.

Thanks for showin' me this.

You're welcome. This has been really fun.

We don't get a lotta this anymore,

father-daughter bonding time.

Don't get all mushy.

We might have a problem if Mom does become a vampire.

Problem?

Mom's a vegetarian.

What?

- Yeah. - Gross.

Linda.

Of all the bullshit stuff you've tried.

A vampire? Your husband?

I mean, I've never liked the guy, but really?

I mean, I love horror, (laughs) but vampires are not real.

Shana.

I know it sounds illogical, but I am not lying.

- Oh no. Oh, oh! - Hi.

Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sweetie, didn't we talk about this?

No biting your aunt.

In fact, no biting anyone without my permission, got it?

Hi, Shana.

No.

See, what your sister was saying is true.

Your niece and I here were bitten by a vampire.

We don't know who.

And Martin thought it'd be a good idea

to warn you.

Yeah. Well the good news is you're not a vampire.

Yet.

And Shana, you're not a vampire.

Yet.

I promised my parents I wouldn't bite anyone

without their permission.

Good little vampire.

I wanna go home.

Speaking of going somewhere, Martin, what time is it?

I mean, what time is it?

Yeah, what time is it?

Were you gonna meet with some of your friends

at the arcade for laser tag or games or whatever later?

Oh shit.

That sucks.

Well, let's go. We gotta go.

How the hell did he get employee the month?

He's never on time.

You know, I had to pick somebody, you know, corporate.

So you could have picked me.

Again?

Are you trying to get me fired?

You are, aren't ya?

You want me outta here?

Not pickin' you again.

So you know it's usually busier on Sunday.

I know, I noticed. It's like really weird.

Even on the streets, there's nobody out.

Is there some kind of an event going on

that we don't know about?

I don't know, I'm gonna go check.

Yeah, look it up.

Look at all that.

Oh, oh great.

They didn't have these out at the other reward center.

Can I get some fangs and some candy?

Fangs?

You think Morgan's gonna wear that with her braces?

- Thanks. - Anything else?

We're gonna need more fangs.

Again?

We sure have been going through a lotta fangs

all the sudden.

They're for Linda.

Linda? Come on, Martin.

You know, it's not even close to Halloween.

You know what?

He's one of those types that, you know.

Ho, ho. Kinky, Martin.

That's definitely one way to spice up your marriage.

Yeah, fangs definitely make things more fun.

Can I talk to you guys for a second about something?

Yeah, sure.

All right, let's go. Come on.

No running.

We're all grown adults here, so you should know not to.

And also, no hitting or kicking.

We've seen it happen many times on the floor

and this is a big one.

No biting, none of that!

If I catch you biting, you're outta here!

Don't do it.

Biting? Did you say no biting?

He did.

Let's get you in this now.

Now, let me say, suck it in now.

It's nice. This is gonna be good.

Are you that desperate to win?

You know Bill is the only one I know

that carries around this little ass mirror.

Hey, you never know.

I'm going to try to find the ladies.

Stay strong, guys.

All right.

What are you lookin' at?

Oh!

I thought you got those for Linda.

Guys, we should talk now.

- Oh yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, what's going on there, traitor?

I changed teams. Just go with it, okay?

- Hold it, lady. - What?

What is wrong with you?

Nothin'.

I've known you long enough to know when someone is lying.

Nothin' at all.

Oh my gosh.

- Well. - Tell the truth.

Come on, spill it.

Okay, you ready for this? Okay.

Martin's a vampire.

Oh my goodness.

And there are vampires in our town,

and we're gonna die!

- Oh really? Come on. - Yeah.

Yeah, seriously.

- Seriously? - Yes.

Linda, come on.

I said no biting! You broke the skin.

- Oh my God. You are serious. - I'm serious.

Oh my God.

Bubba!

Hey, I'm not gonna hurt you. I swear.

Bull coochie.

We don't know what you gon' do.

Where the hell is your reflection, Martin?

Yeah. Where is it?

And what in the hell is going on around here?

Okay, okay, first of all, I can explain.

Second.

There he is.

The gals. Come on, let's go.

You bitches are on your own.

My Black ass ain't gotta do nothin'.

Get down.

Who am I kidding?

You won't listen to me anyway.

That's a vampire.

What crazy vampire?

Get out now. Get out.

Vampire. Get out, get out!

I swear, the vampires are not real.

Mary, do you believe in vampires? Get him, get him, get him!

Hit him, hit him, hit him!

I'll make you employee of the month!

Get him, get him! Hit him!

Hit him. You hit him!

This is so gonna get me fired. I need this job.

I'll be back with my parents. Oh God.

Cheese and crackers. Later!

Scaredy cat!

You gotta be shittin' me.

You, too?

Do you know when he'll come back?

Not a clue, 'cause Farrah's gone.

I don't know where Farrah went.

You sure we should go around this corner?

I mean...

We got this. We're good.

We're good.

Martin!

Ooh.

Martin!

Oh, hell no!

It's not working.

It's a bad game of laser tag, right?

Hey, Linda, maybe we can talk.

Oh, that's crazy.

Possibly get a bite to eat?

You know what, I am not hungry right now, but guess what?

I kinda can't kill my best friend's husband,

it could kinda hurt the friendship.

I'm just sayin'.

You can't kill me. I'm Bill.

Oh, Bill needs to fix his neck there,

and those teeth, you know, the really sharp teeth.

Maybe, maybe I can get a little of a suck?

No, see, only Martin can suck on me right now.

Just sayin'. (chuckles) Just a thought.

You know, Martin doesn't share very well.

Does he, Martin?

Hey, Bill, you wanna see me get a hole in one?

I don't know what Angel's talkin' about.

I taste pretty good.

I'm tired of playing games now.

Damn, I hate killing my friends.

This is a game I don't wanna win.

Let's get outta here, babe.

Okay. No more laser tag.

We are gonna die.

Yeah, we suck at keeping people safe.

Our town is screwed.

Oh, you think?

You know what's worse?

All the others, they're gone.

What we need to do is call the police back.

Oh yeah, Cal?

And what are we gonna tell 'em this time?

They laughed at us.

Why'd they laugh?

Oh, because Cal here decided to tell 'em

that there are vampires running around

and a bunch of dead bodies.

You know, normal stuff.

Daddy's being sarcastic.

Just drink at juice, Morgan.

Let the grownups figure this out.

I think we're gonna die.

Technically, you already did.

We're gonna die again.

Problem is so many of the cops have become vampires.

Officer Redford, for one.

Excuse me.

Well, we already know, you know, with Angel at the arcade,

she just disappeared at this rate, so you know.

Yeah, we know what happened to Bill.

Have y'all noticed that no one is calling

about people coming up missing?

That's because all of them are already vampires.

Not you.

Just try it and I spray.

Oh, she is serious about spraying. Trust me.

So now what are we gonna do?

Well, we gotta stop this.

Problem is, we don't know who to trust.

So many of them have gone bad.

I'll say.

Can I help?

No. You keep your mother safe, that's it.

Don't bite her.

I have fangs, too.

- No. - Why can't I do something?

- No. - Why?

Because I said so.

You never let me do anything!

This isn't fair!

Teens. (chuckles) Am I right?

Well, I think it's safe for us

to go home now since we're vampires.

Hopefully we won't bite anyone

on the way home.

What are we gonna do now?

It's okay, honey.

All right, have a good night, guys. Be safe.

Keep your fangs to yourself!

Oh, you wanna go outside?

Are you crazy? Into that?

Let's try flying.

That was a three.

That was like a two or something.

Come on, wife.

Oh, no, no, Martin. Martin, Martin, Martin, Martin.

- No, no, no, no, stop! - You trust me, right?

We're gonna fly!

Ow.

Martin, my fangs fell out again.

Hi there.

Hi.

You can see we both have fangs, right?

How come she smells so yummy?

Really yummy.

Burger perfume. Mm-hmm.

Burger perfume?

Yep, mm-hmm. It's all the rage.

- Really? - Yep.

So you're both vampires?

- Yep. Mm-hmm, yep. - Mm-hmm.

- Like me? - Mm-hmm.

Yep.

- Prove it. - Hmm?

Excuse me?

I don't believe you.

She smells way too good.

Martin, he's gonna find out (mumbling).

I can't kill another person!

No idea what you said.

If he's bad, we have no choice.

She's human!

- Hmm? - I knew it.

Bummer.

Back here again.

Hey, there. Back so soon?

Your dreams must really be trying to tell you something

That I'm crazy.

Why do you say that?

- You wanna know? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, well I killed people. I know.

And my daughter is now a vampire,

just like the husband and everything.

And guess what? The husband and I?

Yes, go on.

Four times in a day.

I know. Oh my God.

It's just so weird.

I mean, is that weird to tell you?

What, what was it like? Was it exciting?

A human and a vampire.

Well, oh, okay.

So, of course at first, you know, it was kinda,

you know, difficult.

- Right, right. - But then it was wow!

Oh my God, yes!

And besides his appetite for blood, of course for me.

Is that weird or anything like that?

No, no, that's not strange.

No, tell me more.

I'm a good listener.

So, tell me like, what was it like?

Did you, did you kill anybody?

Oh yeah, sure had to kill people.

That's okay. We don't have to talk about that.

What's on the agenda for tomorrow?

Oh, well, you know, besides not being lucky.

It's funny.

Well, I have to go to my daughter's school,

take care of the boring stuff with that,

and of course go to the doctor.

Ooh, doctor. What kind of a doctor?

Do you wanna play doctor?

The husband already did that, but thanks.

We're good. It's not that type of doctor.

You don't even know what kind of doctor it is.

Maybe I'm a psychiatrist, you know.

I could make you nice and calm.

Yeah, I'm sure you could.

Would you like to be calm,

Dear God, yes, I would love to be.

Okay. All right then.

- Turn with it. - Just look me-

- I have to? - Directly in the eye.

- Yes. - All right, all right.

- Look me straight in the eye. - Oh God.

- Okay. - And clear your mind.

Yep. Nice, nice.

- Just clear your mind. - It's gone, yep.

Oh.

Oh hell no.

I think I'd rather stare at my wife's neck all night

than sleep in this thing.

Who would even sleep in this?

Fuckin' vampire fuckin' Malibu fuckin' Barbie.

Hell no. Nope, not for me.

I'm out.

Hi Martin. I brought us some coffee.

Thank you.

Oh, those are some nice looking duds you got there.

What happened, no plaid and khakis today?

Anyway, Nelson wants everybody to go to his office

right now real quick.

Why didn't he just send us a message?

Not a clue.

Warren, Marge, and Phil are all waiting.

Warren?

But of course.| - Oh shit.

All righty, let's go.

Hey, Cody?

Did you like, see anything weird yesterday?

Weird. Weird.

You know what, I did happen to see a drunken bear

start smashing on this sleeping moose, man.

It was gnarly, man.

Oh, and it was kinda like,

if they had like a little pup or something,

you could like name it

like Bearwinkle or somethin'.

You know, but aside from that, nah man,

I just stayed at home all day, why?

Um, nothing.

Alright, let's go.

How did you see this moose?

Oh, the moose at the pyramid was crazy.

Martin, look at you.

Wow, you seem to be feeling better.

Yeah, feeling more alive today, sir.

And you seem quite cheerful.

I don't think I've seen you this cheerful before.

Well, you know, sometimes life has to bite you just right

to get you going, you know what I mean?

Excuse me?

Just know it wasn't me, Martin.

So many opportunities these days.

I mean, come on, Martin.

Life doesn't suck that much, does it?

I didn't bite Nelson,

though we should talk about yesterday.

Come on, Martin. Lunch!

Ah.

Cody, stop it!

Hey, fuck you, buddy. I'm not dyin'!

Who the fuck is gonna feed my hamster?

Cody!

Snap out of it.

God. Thank you.

Woo! Who's next?

Daddy's still hungry.

Hey, Cody, how about lunch?

I'm good. I'm full.

That's too bad.

I'm not.

Where you going there, buddy?

Whoa. Hey, buddy.

You might wanna put somethin' on that bite

before it gets infected.

Just saying.

You're supposed to be on our team.

Oh yeah? What team is that?

The bite me team? I don't think so.

I only nipple.

What the fuck is that shit?

Damn it, I meant to say I only nibble.

Damn it, Linda.

Linda.

No, Linda is not on the lunch menu.

Mm. She should be.

Listen, you twisted fuck,

I'm the only one that can eat my wife.

That didn't come out quite right.

Oh, but it did come out quite right.

No.

As the saying goes, sharing is caring.

Is that your hamster?

What's his name?

Hammy. Wait, what the...

Come back here. Gah!

Ah, there you are.

End of the line, buddy.

What is that, Super Soaker?

Sorry, Cody.

This is my favorite shirt, you dick.

Why the fuck is this shit burning?

Man, I need a new job. This one sucks.

Guess I'm adopting a new hamster.

Well, I am sorry that you have to pull Morgan out

for the time being, but I do understand.

Yeah, we thank you guys for understanding.

Morgan just has not been feeling well.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

How's her appetite been these days?

Does it, does it suck?

Well, you know, with teens when they're sick and...

"Suck"?

Yes, does it suck?

I mean, with her condition I would think it does.

Do things bite for her?

I mean, I would think it must be difficult,

you know, with her braces.

You know, it is a lot more common than you think.

More and more parents are pulling kids out

for homeschool these days.

Especially if a kid's really ill.

Yeah. Yeah.

Will you gentlemen excuse me?

For just one moment. I'll be right back.

She seem strange to you?

Yeah, just a little, but could be a lot going on.

I saw bruises on her wrists, you know,

when her shirt went up?

Oh, you think there might be somethin' goin' on at home?

At home? Oh, I don't know.

I mean, something's definitely going on, but...

I didn't wanna say anything,

but she has like bite marks on her neck.

I'm probably just seeing things.

I'm on this new medication, and...

No, I saw the bite marks.

They weren't from me, though.

And not that big compared to what I can do.

Sorry, what?

Look, I'm sorry guys, I gotta go.

The husband and everything, and oh, he's gone.

Whatever. Hey listen, Andy, you probably...

Okay, I don't think there's any need

to call you by your last name anymore.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I gotta go. I gotta...

Screw this.

Hi.

You need a lift?

I'm good.

Your daughter is a bit of a brat.

Ooh.

Ooh, you smell so good.

Even better than Andy did.

My daughter may not use her pencils,

but I still write in cursive.

That's gonna leave a mark.

I hope so.

Relax, Linda.

We're just here to look at your test results from last week.

Rest assured, you're fine.

Yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Just crazy morning, you know.

Had to go to Morgan's school,

you know, the daughter.

But by any chance, have you seen anything weird

with other patients today?

Besides myself, of course.

You really need to relax.

It's much better for you and the child.

Did you say child?

You're pregnant.

Martin's so dead.

Say that one more time.

Congratulations. You're two months along.

Just by any chance,

would that happen to be, you know,

say one that was two months along

created, like, oh I don't know,

the last day or two for a fast growin' baby?

I wouldn't think so.

You know, you were here last week to do your labs, remember?

Yeah, I did.

So, I know it's just, emotional right now.

Just a little bit, you know, teenage,

find out baby and everything.

Can we do this later?

Right, we can wait.

I'm going to go now and get my nurse

and we're going to make an appointment for you next week.

I would be so grateful for that.

- Okay, well. - It's the shock.

Just the stay right there for a moment.

All right, I'll be right back.

He's dead. Martin's dead, Martin's dead.

Bathroom break?

Hell no. Nope, nope, nope.

Woo! Spicy.

Stupid door.

Hey!

Ooh, screw that. They can bill me.

How about that exam now?

You know, how about next week, or like never?

- No. Now. - Let's talk about it.

Let's talk about that.

I can be your new doctor.

Great at drawing blood.

In fact, if you wait right there, I can show you.

Wait, where are you going? Come back.

This is great. Okay, just great.

You know, what you could do?

You could stay home and play video games for money.

Does it look like I play video games?

I can't even get him to with me.

All right, or look, you didn't kill your boss.

He's not dead, technically,

so maybe you can go get your job back.

You know, you've got a point there.

What the hell happened to you?

Oh, you know, just a typical day for a housewife.

I went to our daughter's school and guess what?

I killed her counselor.

And on top of it, her teacher Andy, is now dead.

I never liked him much.

Gave way too much homework.

And of course, to make matters worse,

I also went to the doctors today,

and I just happened to find out that we are now pregnant.

Two months along, so you're gettin' fixed asap.

What? What, we're pregnant?

You waited until I was 13 to have another kid?

Congratulations.

Why do you need a new doctor?

I killed her. She's like a pile of goo or dust now.

But you know what?

I didn't like her, so it doesn't matter.

There's a lotta blood on your face, sweetie.

Oh yeah, that little thing there, too.

See, I was outside of there leaving

when of course a patient had their head pulled off,

which was Cody's wife.

So please, dear God, don't tell him a vampire attacked.

And speaking of which, why are you not at work?

Oh, extended lunch break.

I'll say.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get a snack,

clean my face, and I'm gonna go to the morgue

to get your blood bags.

- Can I go with you? - No!

Honey, I think you should stay here and relax.

You want me to relax?

Yeah.

You want me to freakin' relax?

Oh, I will not freakin' relax

because guess what's happening right now.

We are running outta blood very, very fast,

and of course on top of it, our neighbors are getting killed

and they're trying to kill me

while our daughter is a vampire right now.

And then there's hundreds of bunny rabbits

going around our neighborhood.

So nobody's going to tell me to relax

when I'm having a freakin' meltdown!

Uh-oh, she's goin' after the chips.

- What does that mean? - Chips.

Y'all go to hell.

She's pissed.

You okay?

Yeah, I think I just got bit by something like a mosquito.

Are you sure it was a mosquito?

Yeah, I hope so.

Oh God, I don't know how you can stand

to look at dead bodies all day long.

You get used to it.

I'll be right back.

Hurry back.

Great.

Oh God.

I didn't nibble on you. I promise.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

I'm not into this kind of stuff. I'm really not!

I'm not into this kinda stuff.

I'm not into this kinda stuff.

I don't do this kinda thing. Martin!

I don't do this kinda stuff.

Hey Blaine, I got a fresh stiff for you.

What the hell?

Damn it. That was my body delivery guy.

I liked him.

Okay, Redfield, disarm.

It's okay, you can look at me.

I promise I won't hurt you right now.

I don't wanna hurt you.

I recognize those two marks anywhere.

By the way, nibbles? They take longer to fade away.

Just let me go.

I'm not the one you have to worry about.

I already told you, I don't wanna hurt you.

What are you gonna do?

Well, right now, you have a love tap, basically.

A nibble.

It takes three of these to be fully controlled by a vampire.

A full bite turns you into a vampire.

Nibbles allow a vampire to have a vampire of their own.

You know, a life partner, basically.

Someone, or should I say a vampire, is trying to claim you.

But I'm married.

So what's that supposed to mean?

You know, I wonder what would happen

if we were to share these nibbles.

To be fair, my brother and I have shared a lot in this life.

Huh, you have one here, too.

I don't recognize that one.

Linda, have you ever found yourself

feeling alone in this world?

So alone that not even your own husband understands you?

I wonder who nibbled your ear.

Just let me go!

How about a snack with me?

Martin!

Dad!

Oh my head.

Head pounding?

Yeah.

Think that means your wife needs you.

You think my head would pound when she yells at me.

Yeah, but check it out.

I was reading about connections, right, between partners?

It's about true love, man.

Your wife needs you. She's in danger.

Did, uh, did you by chance nipple your wife?

Nipple? Nibble?

Huh?

Nibble. Nibble, nibble.

I said nibble, man. Damn.

Well did you?

Maybe.

- Ooh, Mom's gonna kill you. - Hold on, gotta wipe my eye.

Ooh, I'm already dead.

Whatever.

Oh, at least it wasn't slash, gnash, dash.

She really woulda killed me then.

I don't know, she said something about the morgue.

The one by the cemetery.

Yeah, that's a really good place for vampires to hang out.

Man, I'd be worried.

I think somebody's trying to stake a claim on your wife.

You know, human partners are easier to control,

and if somebody else is trying to nibble her...

They do realize she sucks at cooking, right?

Yeah, I don't think that matters.

Well, what if she's been nibbled by multiple vampires?

Well, that's very interesting.

You see, she would have to have been nibbled three times,

a triple nibble, or subsequently,

if someone did the big bite combo,

then you'd really be in trouble because-

Okay, now it just sounds like you're ordering

from a fast food place.

Well, if she were running, she would be fast food.

Yeah, oh God.

Okay, Arnold, you stay here with Morgan.

I'm gonna ping some others and go to the cemetery.

But Dad!

Honey, stay here. This is my battle.

But we're family.

I know, and sometimes being a family

means letting your dad protect you and your mom.

Stay here.

- Go get Mom. - Yeah.

But first I'm gonna change my suit.

Um...

It's vintage.

Hey, Arnold, wanna play a game?

All right, as long as you keep your filthy little mitts

off of my blood smoothie, you little ankle biter.

That's neck biter to you.

Think I'm scared of you, pipsqueak?

Hey, keep it up and I'm gonna tell your dad.

Linda wasn't in the cemetery,

so let's go check out this crypt, all right?

Stay close, everybody.

- Everybody? - Yeah.

I thought we had more help than this.

Even my wife Farrah's not here to help.

Yeah, probably delayed. Lots of vamps in town.

Or fighting for their lives.

Or fighting for their food.

Or fighting for the starving kids in Africa.

Wow, what a cheerful group.

All right, come on, come on, come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Martin.

I might not be the most brightest man in the world,

but I definitely would not be untying her.

Are you crazy? I can't just leave her like that.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Get outta my way.

I'm not the one you need to worry about.

Oh, well in that case, get outta my way now.

If you say so.

Hi there.

Deb, what the hell are you doing?

Going to the winning side.

More of us, less of you.

What's up, dude? Welcome to the winning side.

Welcome, everyone!

You must be Linda's husband Martin.

It's nice to meet you.

I see you've met my brother, Blaine.

I tried to warn you.

You know, I don't know why people don't listen to me more.

Let her go.

"Let her go."

Let's try that again, Martin.

I want you to say, "Oh, please, please let her go."

We wanna be polite about this, right?

Drop dead, or get...

Shut up.

Anyway, Martin, I don't know if you know this or not,

but I've been visiting your wife.

Excuse me?

How about I shove you inside a teeny tiny little coffin?

He bites.

Gee, ya think?

It's my sister-in-law. She's the funny one.

Anyway, as I was saying, you know, the last two days

where she thought she was dreaming?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

How'd you get in our house?

Linda was sleepwalking again, wasn't she?

- Ah, yeah, yeah. - Damn it.

Made it super easy.

So I brought her here, trying to make her feel better,

you know, comfort her the way a husband would.

Yeah, so you think bringing her to some creepy crypt

is like a good idea for a date night?

You work with what you have.

It's really not that bad actually.

I mean, we do own the morgue now,

and it's great what they have for us there.

Plus, the crypt is a great place to hide people, right?

I was trying to say, before I was interrupted,

you see, Martin, I'm not just trying to turn her

into a blood sucker.

She still has a pure soul, a soft side.

And a soft neck.

So, Martin, you can do one of two things.

You can let her go, or you could fight for her.

That would be a lotta fun.

Just one moment please.

Would somebody take the tape off her mouth?

Think she's trying to say something.

Sure.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

By the way, Milton, your brother sucked on me, too!

Damn, man, is everybody suckin' on your wife?

That sounds wrong on so many levels,

but your wife is the one that sucked on me.

Wait a minute, are you telling me that my wife sucks?

She does now apparently.

Not on me she doesn't.

Who told you that you could suck on her, Blaine?

You know what, guys? Guess what?

I sucked on my wife, too.

Okay, there, I said it.

Before you did or you did, okay?

Darling, I love you.

I promise it was just a little bit of a nibble

on the first night.

I didn't go in too deep, okay?

That's disgusting.

Stay outta this, Angel.

Excuse me. I'm just sayin'.

Why do you always get everything, Milton?

She's more like me than you.

Why do you get to have her?

I'm the oldest.

So fucking what?

I'm the one that does all the work around here!

I have just as much right to her as you do.

This is great.

This is just fuckin' great!

What, all three of us have a piece of her?

Busy girl.

Shut up. You suck.

And you suck. And you suck!

Yeah, we all suck, all right?

- So keep her. - Hmm?

Sorry. What was that?

No, really. Keep her.

She's been pissing me off all year anyway.

Nag, nag, nag. Boring, boring, boring.

It's not worth the fight.

Plus, you gotta deal with a baby on the way.

Yeah, having a human to control

has always been a big part of the deal,

but that baby, oh that baby has a hell of a life force.

Yeah, well wait till all the crying and whining

just like Linda.

in your ear.

What about you, Blaine?

What about me?

Well, you want her too, right? Yeah?

Well fight for her. Grow up.

This is my chance to get out and your chance to get in.

You have as much right to her as he does.

Besides, I'm pretty sure you could take him.

Shut up, Martin.

Yeah, shut up Martin.

You, too, Milton.

Excuse me, what did you just say to me?

You heard what I said. I said shut up.

There you go, Blaine.

Now!

- No. - Pray to God.

You bitch!

Oh God, you weigh a ton.

Least I still fit in my jeans.

You know, I fight and I bite.

- I do like a good cat fight. - Mm-hmm.

Get off me.

But I'm your best friend.

Not anymore.

Who's on the winning side now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, are you sure we can't talk it out?

I do not have time for this.

You wanna go? Come on.

You know I'm a shrink.

We can probably work on whatever shitshow this is.

Yeah, you are a bad guy

and you're keeping me from my wife, so move.

Hey, maybe after all this is done,

I could offer you some free therapy.

We could talk about the missus.

I hear marriage bites.

Sure. Just not from you.

Your rates suck.

So sorry. I'm so sorry, my love.

Muah, I'm so sorry.

It was just a nibble on the first night.

I promise I didn't mean anything I said.

Hands, hands, hands, hands.

I didn't mean anything I said.

Okay, I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Okay, here we go. Okay, shh.

Love you.

You know, if this were a horror film,

this would be the worst timing for this,

you know, just saying.

Other hand.

Perfect timing, then.

Oh!

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Let go of my hair.

Why, you like cheap extensions?

Oh, hell no. That Angel bitch is going after my girl.

I love redheads.

Little heavy on the ginger.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

No, no, no, no.

Hi.

Martin, I need some help here!

Kinda busy right now.

Martin!

Come on, Martin, come back!

No time for this!

I feel like I could give you my wishlist like Santa.

Do I look like Santa?

No, but it would be a lot easier

if you would give me permission.

Get off me now.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear that.

Bite me!

Really?

Oh shit.

Oh man.

Oh, God dog, Eddie. God dog.

Eddie, Eddie. Come on, Ed, stop playin'.

Eddie stop.

Stop, stop, stop playin'. Stop playin'!

Stop playin', Eddie.

God dog.

Oh God, I hope he turned around.

Oh! Damn.

Oh snap.

God, did you just tackle me?

Yeah, goddamn it, Eddie.

You know we too big to be playing football movie.

My damn hamstring!

It won't hurt. Come on!

Get away from me!

Oh, we can make it...

It'll be like a kissing game.

Suck and blow!

- Spin the bottle! - Go away!

Come on, work with me, baby.

Go away!

You gave me permission.

It was an expression!

Get away from me!

Why is everything here so damn tall!

No! No!

No!

Linda.

Hey, look at me.

- Look at me. - Not yet, not yet.

My head hurts.

We don't have the greatest choices here

and we don't have a lotta time, okay?

So, honey, hey, you need to let me turn you into vampire,

or you let Tweedle Dickhead and Tweedle Dumbfuck

turn you into a vampire.

I'm so tired of this.

Just because you're older than me

doesn't mean I need to listen to you.

Being younger, yes it does.

You son of a bitch.

You killed her.

Now I have nothing left.

You happy?

You just kill me, Blaine.

Just fucking kill me.

Kill me!

Don't you mean again?

Whatever.

She's dead? No.

I'm so tired of killing people!

But I guess I could make an exception for you.

I think if I kill you, then I can have Linda.

You never paid attention to her.

I gave you another option.

Surprisingly, she stuck by you.

But if she's dead...

Excuse me, you don't actually think

that I'm just gonna give her to you, do you, Brother?

I wasn't talking to you, Brother.

I was talking to him.

Guys, before you kill me,

I just wanna kiss my wife goodbye. Okay?

I'm coming. I'm coming, buddy!

I'm coming. I'm coming!

Whoa ho ho! Shnikies.

Now that's some necrophiliac type of shit right there.

Enough!

Do it.

Do it.

Hi.

Guess what, you want me to embrace you?

Now you get your wish.

By the way, hubby sucks way better than you.

Two nibbles and a full bite.

Milton only got two nibbles.

And now it's your turn.

Linda, darling.

I, uh, I realize you're very upset right now.

Uh, but just think about all of the wonderful talks

that we've had.

Oh, in the fucking crypt!

Yeah.

You ready to say hello to your brother, too?

- I know. - I'll take care of it, Linda.

No, no, no, I got a better idea.

Let's do this as a team.

Married couple. Ha!

Bye-bye.

Nice job, babe.

Whoa!

- Oh shit. - There's a sight

you don't see every day.

What did we miss?

And sorry about being a little late.

Uh, a little late?

Yeah, where were you when she was getting kidnapped?

Take care of your fuckin' wife.

You try getting through vampires everywhere.

- You learned to fly? - You get to fly?

- You gotta teach me. - You didn't fuckin' tell me

- how to fly. - You gotta teach me.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, that's so cool.

I'm gettin' you later.

- But I'm goin' with you first. - What the fuck

- is goin' on here? - Mm.

- Have fun. - Always, baby.

Get a fuckin' room, you two.

Oh, we're about to.

- Jesus Christ. - Yeah, we got a whole house.

- Bye, boys. - Roger, we got fucked

- on this deal. - Bye!

You know, sometimes it just happens that way, doesn't it?

I can't believe I'm stuck with you for all eternity.

It's better than being stuck with her.

No it's not.

Yes it is. She was so annoying.

Not as annoying as you.

You take that back.

You know, even as a ghost, I can mess up

that beautiful hair that you're so proud of.

Oh, you wouldn't.

Oh, I can wait all fucking eternity!

I can get to that hair.

Oh yeah, you better believe it, mister.

You know what happens when you mess with my hair.

Yeah!

I'm gonna knock those glasses off your face.

You know what, you don't have Mom to stick up

for you anymore, pal.

Oh, you know, you think you're so cool

with your little glasses.

No, that doesn't impress me.

Women love the glasses, okay?

- No. - They love it!

Maybe I don't have the height, but I got the brains.

I got the moxie.

I got what it takes to make it in this old world.

You hear that?

That's the sound of you missin' the train, buddy.

Woo, gone!

Hippity hoppity, this blood is my property!

Gimme that back!

- Ha ha! - Morgan.

Give it.