Original subtitles

[SIGHS]

OK.

Does this outfit say...

I'm a professional business woman,

but with a good working knowledge of the contemporary music scene?

That's asking a lot of it.

A music festival?

On these hallowed grounds?

Honestly! I'd be turning in my grave,

if I were in my grave.

Which, technically, I suppose I am.

Ah, it's all very confusing.

- KITTY : I think it's exciting. - Yeah!

A chance to see all the big pop acts!

I think music might have changed a bit since your day, Pat.

PAT : Yeah, I suppose so.

The last time I saw the album charts,

it was all U2, Elton John, and ABBA...

[SCOFFS] Where are they now?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- They're here. - Okay. Now remember, this meeting is for...

ALL : People with a pulse.

That's right!

- Did they say it? - Yeah.

Hi.

Tess Ross, Slidewell Promotions. We spoke on the phone?

- Alison. - Mike.

Yeah, one of our headline acts

was quite keen to see the place, so I thought - no time like the present.

- Hi! - Oh my god!

Sorry. I'm a... I'm Alison.

It's a pl- It's a pleasure to meet you.

Sorry- I'm a huge fan. You're my absolute favourite!

What!?

Thank you! Nice to meet you.

[BAFFFLED] And I, and, I'm... I... I'm... Mi... Mite.

Ke. Mike.

- Do come in on. - Or not... Whatever.

Hot dogs.

Oooh, my goodness, it's Kylie. It's actual Kylie Minogue.

The poet?

No, the pop star.

- She's huge. - She's really tall.

- She's as beautiful as her verse. - Yeah, she's rather... fabulous.

I find myself strangely drawn to her energy.

- It's, uh... - What are you thinking?

It looked pretty good!

I mean, I think we just need to spend a bit more time looking at the space, and...

- What wrong with her voice? - Pot, kettle, black!

I believe she is Australian.

What that mean?

She's from Australia.

What that mean?

That we should probably hide the silverware.

- I'm sorry, who is she? - Come on, Pat.

Surely you watched Neighbours. That was your era!

Hang on. You're telling me that she was on TV, while I was still alive?

[SCOFFS] Playing what? A fetus!?

Yeah...

Kylie wouldn't look like that now...

It's an imposter! Yeah.

This whole festival is some sort of scam, they're con artists!

[ALL PROTESTING]

- We'd really like to see the grounds. - Oh, great, yeah, great idea!

- Um, I think- I think we should go this way. - Is there a bathroom I could use?

- Oh, god. - Eh, just- just point the way, and I'll...

I'll catch you up.

Uh, it's just... just through there, right, and then left.

[GHOSTS TALKING]

[GHOSTS TALKING]

Right, everyone, shut up!

Oh no!

THOMAS : You...

You can see us!

Yes!

And I can hear you, sadly!

But... how?

You know the roller skating montage in the Spinning Around video?

Is that a sentence?

I had a fall, banged my head,

and now I can see ghosts.

- I know that sounds hard to believe... - GHOSTS : No, not at all...

FANNY : We've heard that before. JULIEN : I can believe that.

Oh, good!

Now that's out in the open, let's clear a few things up!

Cave man! Australia is a large island nation in the southern hemisphere.

Ah!

What that mean?

About which, your attitude

is tired and outdated.

Well, I am 168.

- Army man? - Ah, yes please.

I see you... And I'm very much here for your people.

The Forces, yes.

Bush ranger! When did you...?

- '84. - Ah.

Right. Neighbours started in '85.

Oh!

Is there anything I didn't miss?!

And whilst I'm very flattered by the attention, I...

I can't marry you, I love Alison.

Right! Well, that one's sorted itself out.

Anything else?

[GHOSTS TALKING]

Oh, she's suckered you all in, hasn't she, eh?

What? No.

Well...

As the former owner of four Kylie calendars,

I'm telling you...

this is nothing more than a scheming lookey-likey.

I am Kylie Minogue!

Oh yeah?

Prove it.

...and we'd put a whole bank of port-a-loos, just there.

So, whilst I might not be an international superstar yet...

you should still prefer me to Kylie Minogue for the following 34 reasons.

- Number one. - Mike?

Um, I've just found one of those things with me.

So I'm just gonna pop it back in the house with the other... things.

Number two! Yes, I've wanted to say this for a while...

Yeah, I don't... I don't really get why.

Can you please... just, just say it!

- You're Kylie Minogue. - Thank you!

Yeah, like that's really Jason Donovan!

You've gotta be kidding me?

Kitty...

You must be the most bloody-minded group of people I've ever...

[VOCALISING]

- I was just checking the acoustics... - I was practicing lines for a play...

TOGETHER : You see them too?

TOGETHER : Yes!

This is amazing! I've never met anyone who can see them!

Me neither!

I can't believe Kylie Minogue can see ghosts!

- That is not Kylie Minogue! - What?

[ALL TALKING]

Um...

To be honest, I don't know how big an acre is.

Oh, thank god, me neither. I'm just gonna grab some pics of the house.

Yeah, sure.

♪ I should be so lucky Lucky, lucky, lucky

♪ I should be so lucky in love

- Amazing! - [APPLAUSE]

FANNY : Excellent, yes! Very nice.

- Okay, it's Kylie. - Yeah, thank you!

CAP : Extraordinary!

- Kylie can see ghosts! - Seriously?

Yeah!

Is it everyone but me?

That's not the original version. We like to mix it up, to...

TESS : Oh no, not again.

I am so tired of watching her talk to dead people I can't see or hear!

Yes!

Literally, mid-sentence, just... "Oh, sorry, can I- talking to the ghosts."

We need to hang out.

[ALL TALKING]

Bye, thanks!

- So, shall I book it? - No.

Let's go with that castle we saw on friday.

Didn't that place have the ghost of an axe-wielding executioner?

Yeah, but at least there was only one of them!

- ALL : Bye-bye! - PAT : Don't be a stranger!

CAP : Lovely to meet you. Fabulous.

Transcribed by Lexic0n