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♪ You think that I'm just ♪

♪ Some great survivor ♪

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♪ You think that I'm just ♪

- Thank you.

Wow. Thank you very much.

Wow. Too kind.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, oh, all right, that's good. Thank you.

And that is my time.

Thank you so much.

Did you see me trip into my special? That's great.

That sums up my whole act.

So buckle up. Here we go.

- Woo! - So I know

a lot of you saw me

get third place on "America's Got Talent".

Oh, thank you.

'Cause "America's Got Talent" is an amazing show

to be part of, but it is definitely a little weird

'cause it's the largest talent show in the world,

but it's like comedy versus whatever, right.

Like do you like one-legged unicyclists?

How about two dogs in a duffle bag?

Doesn't make any sense, this show.

And I don't mind getting third place. That's actually great.

You know, I'm touring all over and, well, I'm here tonight.

Well, because this is what third gets ya.

Yeah, fuck you Hollywood!

I'm going to Greenwood Village, bitch.

Vegas can suck it, too.

I'd rather be here any damn day.

Yeah.

Well, I live here. It's great, you know.

Again, third place is amazing.

But the thing is me getting third place just proves,

once again, that Americans have no idea how to fuckin' vote.

Yeah, yeah.

Every chance you get, you fuck it up, man.

Oh, well this guy seems like a real dumbass, huh?

That's my guy. Yeah.

"America's Got Talent", though,

they wanna like get you

to say crazy things in these interviews.

So they'd be goading me like,

"So Josh, do you think that you're funnier

than a little girl that can sing Pavarotti?"

I sure fuckin' hope so, huh?

I know I could hip check her in the hallway,

I know that much.

I never wanted to beat up kids more in my life.

Little talented shits, get outta here.

I will say this about "America's Got Talent",

it's very inclusive to the disabled community.

I mean, some people call it exploitation, but that's...

Oh, shit. All right.

No, it is a very inclusive show.

Like, you know, I have cerebral palsy

and there's amazing acts like Kodi Lee,

he's blind and autistic man. - Yeah!

- [Josh] He's amazing.

Such an amazing talent.

And then like it just all walks of life,

like ballerinas with no arms

and like all the way down to magicians.

I'm not sure what spectrum that is,

but they're definitely on it.

Again, I don't mind getting third place,

but you understand how humiliating it is

to lose to a fuckin' magician?

I've never been more embarrassed in my whole life,

I'm telling ya.

So here's the thing about magic, man.

It just gets me so bad because we're a room full of adults.

You guys all understand

that magic isn't fucking real, right?

You get that right? They tell you upfront.

It's called a trick. Okay, I'm gonna trick you now.

And then somehow you're still like,

ah, oh my god, oh!

Oh! Oh, my god!

Where did my nickel go?

The fuckin' creep stole it from you.

Fuck magic, I hate that shit.

Biggest bunch of bullshit I ever seen in my life.

I didn't like magic before this, but now, mm-mm.

Yeah, the other day my son tried to show me a magic trick.

I was like, not in this house.

You see, son, we have dignity.

Not like these fake-ass wizards.

Little Harry Potter bitch.

Hey, you guys wanna see a trick?

That's actually what a pimp says.

And I'd much rather my son be a pimp than a magician.

Like listen man,

I don't know where you pulled that rabbit out of,

but I know where you can stick it.

Up there with that gerbil.

Oh, all right.

I knew there was some filthy magic lovers out there.

And some dark arts motherfuckers. Come on, um-mm.

I gotta say a lot of you are laughing,

but I can see quite a few people just looking at me like.

Well, he was such a nice boy on television.

I'm a real boy.

Just got my strings cut off.

Uh, still working it out.

It's a Pinocchio joke, guys.

I feel like some of you didn't get that.

I don't know why you wouldn't have got my reference

from a cartoon from the '40s.

Did you know that there is a actual,

like list of all the talents in the world?

Like there's a huge compiled list of all,

and like it's a pecking order, like of worth and value.

And like it's a very, like, it's a huge list.

I mean, it's like, it's so long

and I actually memorized it and I was gonna give you

like a rundown of what's on the list.

Obviously, we don't have time for the whole list.

But like a good example

is at the very top is standup comedy.

And then the next rung down is astronauts.

And then dolphins and Michael Jordan.

And then like,

I'll just scroll down, down, down

like a bunch of pages down

and then we get to like improv groups and then juggalos

and then guitar acts and then the Irish.

And just calm down. This is still really long.

You're pretty high up, Irish. You're doing good.

It's a very long list.

Don't be so quick to judge here.

And again, I just gotta scroll down

to like interesting rocks and then like Chia Pets

and then a big kites and then down, down, down.

And I'll just go to the bottom

where you finally get to mimes

and then, uh, mentalists.

And a mentalist is just a magician

that's smart enough not to call themselves that.

And then ventriloquists and then Joe Rogan.

- [Audience] Boo!

- And then you finally get on down

to the filthy, fuckin' magicians.

Very bottom, very bottom, very bottom.

Well, here's the thing, if you're not getting my humor,

uh, that's actually my fault.

Yeah, yeah. You see, I didn't explain how comedy works.

So I'm just gonna give you a quick rundown.

And again, this isn't for most of you.

You're doing great.

There's just a couple of pockets.

All right, so how a joke works is I take an idea

and then I go and I take another idea

and then I bring them together.

And then when they come together, that's the funny part.

But the only thing is you gotta do the math.

So you gotta be able to go into your own head

and then figure out why the other people are laughing.

All right, well let's see if you can follow this one.

So I got a neighbor that's colorblind

and he is surprisingly racist.

You guys get it?

It's because he doesn't see color,

that's the part that's weird

that he would harbor hatred in his heart.

I hate that guy, man.

The other day I went over to his house,

I was like, listen man, it's not cool to be racist.

He's like, "Get your black ass off my porch!"

I was like, shit.

Well, that was a pretty easy one, guys.

I am gonna step it up now.

You know, because there's no point

in holding the whole class back

for just a couple of pockets.

Oh hey, is that for me?

Oh, thank you.

Was it that bad? Huh?

I thought I was doing okay, yeah.

You know it's bad when a seasoned server's like,

"Hey, I've seen a lot of shows and you gonna need this."

It's not a good sign on the special, you know?

Well, here's the real deal.

I do like drinking, but I'm already working

with a speech impediment.

And besides, I don't know which one of you

sick fucks sent that up here.

Can just see one of you just say,

"Ah, give this to the comedian.

It's a little payback for Cosby."

- [Audience] Oh!

Holy shit, All right, all right.

Ooh, all right.

Ooh, yeah, just making sure we're all listening.

Yeah, you're doing it. You're doing it.

So proud of youse guys.

Come a long way tonight.

That Cosby thing, man, that fucked me up,

because as a comedian,

I grew up looking up to that guy

and we all watched his show.

It was a great show and then that came out about him

and it ruined the body of work.

But here's my thing.

I always was a little suspicious

because anytime anybody's that clean in public,

remember he was always like,

"Oh, you can't and say the filthy curse words."

That just reminds me of those politicians that are like,

"These homosexuals are ruining our nation."

Blah!

- [Audience] Woo!

Yeah, just sucking random dicks in airports .

I can't find enough of these things.

Remember they busted a senator in the Minneapolis airport?

- Uh-huh. - It was a little while back,

they had a whole sting operation.

It was called the, to catch a senator.

And they got one.

It didn't even take too long.

Well, basically how it worked

is that you go in the men's room

and then you go into one of the stalls,

then you poke your foot under the side to the next stall

and that's a sign that you, you know, need a blow job

or whatever makes you fly better, you know.

All I'm saying, guys, I fly a lot

and I'm like, well, how far I gotta get my leg under here?

I'm two stalls over.

No takers? No takers?

All I get is pissed-off dudes

like, "Here's some toilet paper, fuck off."

Fuckin' magic.

You get it?

You know, having a disability is interesting

'cause people always want to help me with stuff

and that's so kind, I do appreciate it.

But here's the deal.

For the most part, I got it, you know.

Another thing about me

is I'm not afraid to ask you for help.

Like, I know my limits.

Like let's say, there's a pot of hot soup

that needs to be carried.

I'm like, hey, please. You know what I'm saying?

I appreciate that, man. Thank you.

But what I've come to find is that more often than not,

people are like, "Hey, can I pour that for you?"

And then they spill it

and I'm like, well I could have fuckin' done that.

And you robbed me of my independence.

That's actually the funny part, guys.

Cheers, everyone.

Yeah, use more next time, date raper.

I ain't feeling shit.

It's just good to be touring, you know.

Well, the whole thing with COVID

is like you guys understand that I'm coming in here

with some preexisting conditions.

Let me tell you, when COVID showed up,

I was like get in line, motherfucker.

You're at the back with bunions and tennis elbow.

They're good dudes.

They'll show you around. The ins and outs.

COVID though, man, I mean I've been a comedian for 20 years

doing 200 shows a year and then the pandemic hit

and I became a homeschool teacher.

I was very ill-prepared for that.

You see, folks, I'm a comic for a reason.

Like, sorry guys, daddy can't help you

with your math homework,

but if you need a good dick joke, I got you.

A big one with curves in it.

That's curves plural.

I like a good plot twist.

I don't know, the whole pandemic. I mean, here's the deal.

I have two kids. I love being a dad.

- Woo! - Woo, woo, woo!

- [Josh] Well, oh, thanks,

I'll be sure and tell them you did that.

Hey guys, at my special seven people clapped for you.

You guys understand that I can fuckin' hear, right?

I have two kids and I also have 50% custody of the kids.

Well if you know anything about that,

you know, that's a lot of custody.

I've actually like sat down and worked it out.

That's half of my time.

And that's real. That's real time.

That you don't get back. It's real.

Again, I love my kids very much,

but it's time to go to your fuckin' mom's house.

I have a 12-year-old daughter

and she will not shut the fuck up, man.

Oh, oh, my god. Oh.

Again, I like her a lot.

She's probably in my top five.

I just don't know how to tell her any other way,

I don't give a flying fuck about Ariana Grande.

Well then to offset that,

I also have a 14-year-old boy living at the house.

You guys familiar with these weirdies?

I'm telling you,

it's all I can do to keep him off of magic.

- [Audience] Yeah!

- I'm like, nah, bro.

Oh, and he's also been taking a lot of long showers.

Yeah, and when he finally comes out,

his hair isn't even wet.

Like come on, man, you can lie better to me.

The other day I stopped him in the hallway

after a particularly long shower.

I caught him.

I was like, "Hey man, listen,

I don't give a shit what you're doing in there.

Just turn off the fuckin' water!"

I'm like, "Do you understand

how many laughs I had to get for that shower?"

That wasn't enough, guys.

Yeah, my boy's ankles are still dry.

He's causing the drought here.

Remember the first couple months of the lockdown

there was just some real dark days.

Yeah, I just thought I'd bring you back there.

I remember the first couple of months of that lockdown,

the whole world's caving in around me.

All of us, you know, we don't know what the hell's going on.

You lost your job.

You're locked in your house with your kids

just washing your mail and shit.

I tell you, man, I found myself

doing all these childhood activities,

you know, like doing puzzles

and playing board games and crying.

Maybe throw in some long showers.

Sometimes I'd cry in the shower.

Just multitasking.

I'll tell you this about the pandemic,

like I would rather cry than do a fuckin' puzzle.

Shit, I'd rather eat a puzzle.

Thousand pieces, no problem.

And then in the morning I'd shit out a rustic farmhouse.

Which is weird, 'cause it was a puzzle of a kitty.

Something ain't right down there.

Something's off.

So stupid. All right.

Yeah, this right arm, he's a busy boy over there.

Very, very busy appendage for sure.

It's like living with a raccoon or something.

Yeah, the sun goes down, he got some shit to do.

Over there scurrying around.

I still don't even know where he got the watch.

Yeah, little fucker won't let me look at it either.

- [Audience] Woo!

- [Audience] Yeah!

- He probably got it from a magician.

- [Audience] Woo!

- Fuck magic!

- Woo! Woo! - Yeah!

- [Josh] I fuckin' hate magic. All right.

Motherfucker, all right.

Like at night I'm trying to sleep

and this thing is just up, you know, writing emails.

I'm like who could you possibly be writing to?

Probably, some club foot in Kansas.

That's a pretty hard correspondent right there.

I can't imagine a club foot types too well.

I don't know why I say this shit, man. I don't.

I never write any of this down.

- [Audience] Writes it down.

- You should see me before the show just pacing around like,

"Oh man, I hope it comes out again."

Frankly, you're lucky I'm even facing the right direction.

Ooh, lights.

Oh yeah, oh, look at this shit. Look at this.

- [Audience] Ooh!

- No, no. Don't encourage him.

He didn't earn that.

I got dudes running up on me.

Like "Yo, bro, you work out?"

I'm like, I can't even get him to lift a fuckin' fork.

This is straight palsy, bro.

You wish you had this?

- Oh! - Woo!

- [Josh] Man, I've been working out since I came out.

And probably a little in utero.

You know what they say?

The early baby gets the Popeye arm.

I don't think they really say that.

But now that you heard me say it, you should say it.

You gotta try that at work and let me know how it goes.

Actually, I'm pretty sure I know how that goes.

"Hey, Thompson, you in are early today."

"Well boss, you know what they say.

The early baby gets the Popeye arm, huh?"

"I'm gonna need you to pack your shit and get outta here."

Okay, you've had your turn, bud.

Oh. Oh okay, we'll do it.

You wanna? This'll shut him up.

All right, look at this.

- [Audience] Woo!

Palsy shadow puppets.

I'm gonna win AGT next time.

Apparently, the only thing that can beat magic

is a injured crane.

Did you see the shadow?

37 more months of winter.

Fuckin' magic.

Now listen, I was coming in here tonight

and one of you stopped me out there in the lobby,

just so excited.

"Hey, I came here just to see you!"

I was like, "Well, I guess you can fuckin' go home.

Mission accomplished. You're a dumbass."

And if you figured out you're supposed to stick around,

I'm sorry I called you a dumbass.

I was at my hotel the other day,

I went to go get some delicious lobby coffee, you know.

Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.

Is it just me or does every hotel

somehow manage to make their coffee

taste like it was percolated through a trucker's ass.

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm, chunky.

Mmm-mmm.

- [Audience] Fuck it!

- Yeah, that's actually where the term

cup of Joe comes from.

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Thanks, Joe! You made a good one.

From his rim to mine.

Sorry, it's so gross.

You know, before I say this crazy shit,

I do have that alarm in my head going off like,

"Hey dude, don't say club foot in Kansas or..."

But then I say it and you laugh

and I'm like, "Ha-ha, told you, fucker.

Don't you be questioning me."

You know, I really used to think I had a way with animals

and then I realized that I just make a lot of crumbs.

I just got a pack of random- ass dogs following me around,

just hoping I'll break into a muffin or something.

I don't know how many times

I've tried to go into a restaurant.

They're like, "You can't bring your dogs in here."

These ain't my fucking dogs.

If you could get them to piss off, that'd be great.

And then I come to find,

they're just other people's service dogs.

Yeah.

Yeah, they just saw me stumbling by they're like,

"Hey man, you wait here, I gotta help this guy.

Hey, slow down, fella, I got your mail."

You guys get it?

- Woo! - Woo!

- [Josh] It makes me feel happy that you're doing the work.

You're doing the work.

Yeah, sorry, this is bugging the shit out of me.

Look at this.

- [Audience] Yes.

- Like, where the fuck they think I was going, man?

This stage ain't that big.

There's enough leash here to go outside.

You buys wanna go outside?

- Woo! - Woo! Woo!

- [Josh] You wanna go outside?

Who's a good boy? You wanna go outside?

Who's a good boy? Who's a good ?

You wanna go outside?

The other day I was in my backyard with my kids.

You know, we're just out there

chipping away at that 50% time.

Just got them out there pulling weeds or whatever.

And then a bird landed on me.

It scared the shit out of me, I'm not gonna lie.

And here's the deal with that.

That upsets me because I pride myself

on not being afraid of bugs or animals,

but when you see that out of the corner of your eye

and then you think that it's a bug,

it's a big fuckin' bug, right?

No, just a bird sitting there.

It's claws came through though, it felt like

a giant-ass global-warming June bug or something.

It was just looking at me all calm.

It was so calm, I started feeling like Snow White,

like, .

Look, children, it picked me.

I'm the pretty one, yes.

Yeah, and then it ate something outta my beard

and flew away.

Feed your family.

It's a symbiotic relationship.

It gets food and I get cleaned.

All right, not too many science buffs out there.

You know, people often ask me if my show is family-friendly

and I'm like, "Well, it depends on your fuckin' family."

I'm gonna let you decide.

I don't know about you folks,

but I like my kids learning from professionals.

Ooh, thanks for the whistle.

I'm gonna store that in my heart for sure.

I do travel a lot.

The other day I had to go to Cleveland

and, uh, well the night before

I went out to dinner with my lady.

We went to a pretty fancy place, dressed up nice

and we were having fun a little drinking,

laughing, eating and I was feeling good.

My timing was on.

So then across the way,

there was this old couple, they looked real nice.

They dressed, but they just looked like

they're having the most boring conversation

you could possibly have.

So I looked at my lady, I was like,

"Hey babe, I hope when we're old we're not like that.

You know, still together."

- [Audience] Woo!

- Woo, woo. Woo.

She laughed. She laughed.

Thank goodness. That's a scary joke right there.

Taking some risks.

Oh, so then that night before I flew to Cleveland early,

well in bed, she held me the entire night.

So then in the morning when my alarm went off,

I rolled over.

I was like, "Hey babe, you know,

when I come back I'm gonna do the same thing for you.

And then we're gonna see how you fuckin' like that."

I'm hot, I'm hot.

I'm very hot. I'm hot, I'm hot.

Please, I'm hot. I love you, but I'm hot.

Very, very, very hot.

Please, I'm hot. I'm hot, I'm hot.

Like I will let you put a toe on my calf,

but besides that, I'm hot, very, very hot.

And the thing is,

we have a big old California king-sized bed.

This is a huge bed

and the other night she came all the way over

and pushed me in the ocean.

Another night I got up

and I walked all the way around to the fuckin' Nevada side.

- [Audience] Yeah!

- 'Cause I'm hot, I'm hot.

I'm hot. I'm hot.

I'm hot. Like damn it.

You guys ever feel like you're having a heart attack

and then you burp and you're like, oh, okay.

Shut up, I thought I was dying, man, shit.

I almost called a ambulance.

That's an expensive-ass burp right there.

You burp in the ambulance.

You're like, oh, I'm just gonna get out right here.

I'm fine. I'm okay, I'm fine.

No, I'm fine.

I don't, no, I don't mind the walk. That's fine.

I'm feeling rejuvenated. I'm good.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry about that.

I'm, no, I'm good. I'm fine.

Well, that leads me to my next question.

Why do we stop burping people?

It's so weird. Like, think about a baby.

One of its main needs is to be burped.

It cries. It's in pain.

You pop it on the back a couple times, all better.

Why do we cut that off at two?

All I'm saying is I'm pretty sure

we could fix this country's acid reflux problem.

You just gotta burp your buddy every now and again.

Aren't you sick of taking

all these antacid tablets to just stay alive?

I'm telling you, man, we're gonna shut down big pharma.

- [Audience] Woo, woo!

- It's my Burp America campaign.

Hook a brother up.

And this shit really works.

I mean, I'm not selling you no fish oil here.

Is it snake oil?

Sorry, guys. Sometimes you get my animal oils mixed up.

I gotta take more fish oil to remember it's snake oil.

All right, not too many homeopaths out there.

Oh, there's one.

I tell you, I had some horrible acid reflux

and then one day I realized that my kids

are now big enough to burp me.

And payback's a bitch.

Why don't you go get daddy's burping beach towel and-

Let's move some chili around here.

- [Audience] Oh, no. Oh.

- I just feel like Amazon

has made it too easy to order stuff online.

Yeah, the other day I came home

and there was a box on my porch and then he's all excited.

Like, what did you do?

Open it up. It's one bedazzled glove.

- [Audience] Woo!

- Well, I'm not putting that on you, dude.

You gotta play dress up on your own time.

Maybe give your club foot buddy a call.

And we all know he wouldn't be much help.

No grabbers.

Again, the alarm in my head was like,

"Don't say no grabbers."

I shoulda listened.

Did you just snort?

Yeah, don't be embarrassed.

That's a sign of success in my business.

- [Audience] Woo!

- Yeah, I tally my snorts.

Just another diagonal line to the four.

My question is, where do you even buy one glove?

I mean, now that Michael Jackson's gone

really can't be much of a market for that.

In fact, I'm pretty sure

he single-handedly held that market up.

All right, sometimes I gotta throw

some low-hanging fruit out there.

Try to get the group back together.

You guys bunch up again. Bunch up.

There is a company that sells one of things.

It's intended for amputees.

It's called Share A Pair.

Yeah, they got all kinds of shit on there.

It's pretty cool.

It's like their idea is if you're missing

your sized-10 right foot

and you're missing your sized-10 left foot,

fuck it, share a pair, you know.

It's pretty cool.

It's ecological and economical and the products are cool.

They got gloves and shoes and earrings.

See, earrings is one of those ones

where I want you guys to do a little bit of a.

I want you going in your head like,

why are they missing a ear?

You know, was it a bad fishing trip or?

Or like a relatively good combine accident.

- [Audience] Ooh.

You see, that's why I wanted you to do it.

When I do it, I get rough with it.

You gotta admit that's a pretty good combine accident.

If all you lost was one ear, you're doing good.

I've been doing comedy pretty much my whole adult life.

I did have one day job out of college.

I worked for six months at a day program,

which is, basically, a daycare for adults

with severe mental and physical disabilities.

And you know, I really have had so much help in my life.

So my thought was like, let me go back in the world

and give some of that back.

- Woo! - And I worked there

for six months and that is because I couldn't take anymore.

And now let's just be clear about the situation,

had nothing to do with the people

that came in for the services.

The problem is every morning

they would come into the facility on the short bus.

And I gotta tell you, there was nothing that I could do

to convince the driver that I worked there.

I'd go, "All right man, thanks. I got it from here."

"Okay, buddy.

Who's a good helper?

Who's a good helper? You're a good helper.

Why don't you go inside, go get a person, person."

I'm like, "I'll break your fuckin' wrist, sir!"

All my new coworkers just looking out the window,

laughing their ass off.

Send him out again. Send him out again.

Six months of that shit.

Well, I snapped one morning.

I just, I picked up a helmet

and I put it on and I got on the dude's bus.

"I was like,

take me home, motherfucker!

I'm done here, motherfucker. I'm done."

And now I do comedy.

Career move.

This has been really weird for me.

I have a buddy that I've known my entire life,

we actually went to preschool together.

And I'll just tell you this up front about the guy

he's able-body and like, you know, I'm fine with that.

I'm cool. I mean, it's cool.

You know, early on I took him under my wing

and showed him the ways of the world.

And well, here's the thing

is that right before the pandemic he got married

and that was really exciting.

I got to be the best man.

And then he and his wife,

they then had their first baby.

Again, very exciting.

- Woo! - Woo!

- [Josh] But then more recently,

their son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.

So it's just like interesting and weird

because this guy that I've known my whole life

is now coming to me asking me all these questions.

And I'm like, "No, I didn't sleep with your wife."

- [Audience] Woo! Woo!

- Yeah, we just fucked around.

But if he's got hair like this, get him checked.

It's just, uh, I'm sorry.

I had this joke in my head that I'm like,

"I'm not saying that."

All right listen, guys, you don't have to twist my arm.

It's already pretty hooked up over there.

All right, well just remember you wanted me to say this.

So I recently discovered

that you don't need the peanut butter

for a dog to lick your asshole.

- [Audience] Oh!

- [Audience] Yeah!

- [Audience] Is it crunchy?

- Thanks, Joe.

Well I only bring this up,

'cause I know some of you sick fucks out there

are wasting your money on peanut butter.

Could be saving up for something.

All I'm saying is a dog is gonna do it for free.

All right, I would like to clarify

that is not a field-tested joke.

I just took the elements was like, huh-uh, checks out.

Hey, do you guys think if I die in a freak accident,

that the media will have the nerve to call it that?

I do.

Fuckin' jackals.

There's a lot of bang for your buck

in that little joke right there.

I'll tell you this,

when I do die I don't wanna be cremated,

but I do want my remains to be scattered.

Yeah, just run me through

a wood chipper .

He loved this mall.

They're never gonna forget him

at Build-A-Bear.

Josh Blue Juicy Bear.

I will admit that I've been watching

a lot of serial killer documentaries.

- [Audience] Woo!

- And I think I'm finally ready.

My research is complete.

Time to get to getting,

I figure, you know, I'll start in Colorado

- Hoorah! - Seems like

a real starter state.

Lot of mountains

and you know, people that wouldn't be missed.

Not you folks, of course.

I'm sure y'all gotta

colorblind racist neighbor or something?

You guys remember?

From earlier?

- [Audience] Yes, we do.

- [Audience] Yes.

- Just checking.

Yeah, you know me as a serial killer.

Yeah, the Night Stumbler.

I'm pretty sure forensics have caught up to my skill level.

They're gonna catch on pretty quick.

Like, these strangle marks are really weird.

And this guy's footprints all over fucking the place.

This was all before he got to the victim.

The real struggle happened over here.

What the fuck was he doing?

He's trying to, he trying to tie his shoe or something.

Are you guys seeing all these dog tracks?

What, what? What's that you're saying?

Oh, the victim is another magician?

Oh yeah, and by that tan line,

he looks like he's missing a watch.

And what do we have here?

One bedazzled glove.

Hey, burn that for me.

I'm trying to frame a guy on Share A Pair.

You get it?

Hey, did you know that Botox was, originally,

being invented to help people with cerebral palsy?

It's a pretty cool thing, man.

They were developing it.

They were trying to find a way

so that they could inject the muscles

so that it wouldn't fuckin' do that.

Well, but then somewhere along the way

they discovered that Botox also makes wrinkles go away.

And then they were like, well, fuck cerebral palsy.

We could really be helping people.

God forbid you had a crow foot.

The guy with the twisty arm can wait.

I love that joke, man.

'Cause I'm sure you can feel that weird vibe

that kinda rolls across the room.

What that is, is that's just all the people

with Botox trying to frown.

- [Audience] Yeah.

- I guess all joking aside,

what I wanna know is, uh, does he look younger?

- Yeah. - Woo!

- [Josh] No crow feet on that.

All right, I gotta tell you

this one of the last crazy thing

that happened to me over the pandemic.

And this really gets me worked up, man.

I'm not gonna lie, this is more, more,

it is just more offensive than the peanut butter thing, but.

- Woo! - But it's

in a much different way and it's somehow grosser.

But all right, I'll just, ah,

I'll just, just tell you what happened.

So over the quarantine,

I ended up needing to get a new business manager,

which is like a very important role in a career.

But here's the thing is that we were doing

the hiring process over Zoom which, to me,

is not a way to communicate with other people.

It's just not, it's so not personal

and I'm hiring a very important job.

'Cause I feel like if I get to meet you face to face,

look you in the eye and your shake your hand,

I'm a pretty good judge of character.

But like on Zoom,

I can't even tell if you got pants on or not.

That's always my last question of the interview.

I'm like, "And can you please stand up?"

Show me what you're working with.

And if you're in a wheelchair, just scoot in the frame.

I'm a equal opportunity employer.

Wouldn't that be funny if I wasn't, though?

Like fuck these blind people.

Non-seeing motherfuckers.

Go ahead and laugh. They can't see you.

Anyway, I hired this guy.

I thought he was the right guy for the job.

And to tell the truth, he was doing great.

The numbers looked good.

Operation's running smooth.

So then, remember when the pandemic finally broke enough,

that we could start going out to restaurants?

I was like, all right,

let me take this guy out to lunch and meet him in person.

Now at lunch he orders a sub sandwich

and you know when you get your sub,

there's the cut end and then there's the heel end.

He fuckin' ate it from the heel end!

Ah!

What kind of fuckin' animal

eats it from the heel end?

I had never seen no shit like that.

I fired him on the spot.

I was like, we are done here, you psycho.

I'm changing passwords.

Seriously, how about this?

Show of hands right now.

You ever seen anybody do that?

No, 'cause it's not a fucking thing that you do!

Oh yeah, now you wanna be a member of our society?

Get the outta here.

A chinchilla knows better than that.

Look, I know that our country

is very politically divided right now,

but I am, uh, pretty sure we can come together on this.

Don't eat the heel end and then burp your buddy.

- [Audience] Woo!

- Oh, you know who does eat it from the heel end?

Fuckin' magicians.

You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.

♪ You think that I'm just ♪

♪ Some great survivor ♪

♪ You think that I'm just ♪

- [Audience] Where do you write your material?

- This is it, bud.

I really write, I mean, I don't ever write anything down.

I'm really serious. I don't.

I always said this,

if I ever put like a little bit of effort into this,

I could be really fuckin' good.

- [Audience] Woo!

- But I just don't care.

You got one left. Make it good.

- [Audience] Do you know any magic tricks?

- Now, go fuck-

- [Audience] Woo!

- [Audience] Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

- You know it's okay

for a cripple to beat up a woman, right?

- [Audience] Woo!

- [Audience] Woo!