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Downloaded from YTS.BZ

[rock music plays]

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-Hey, Josh. You're on. -[music continues]

[music continues]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

Josh Blue!

[cheering, applause]

All right. Thanks, guys.

Thanks for coming to my special. This is exciting.

I, uh, I know a lot of you guys know who I am.

But I'm also well aware

that maybe your friend brought you here tonight.

And I'm pretty sure right about now

you're looking at your friend like...

[chuckles]

-Hm... -[cheering]

"Ha-ha-ha!

What the fuck did you bring me to?

This is not how you described it on the way over here.

You can go outside for this kind of shit.

I recognize a homeless person when I see one.

I think I gave that guy change earlier today."

Thank you.

-[cheering, applause] -Oh, no.

Don't clap. No.

I didn't spend it wisely.

I know a lot of you guys can picture me outside

just chatting up a telephone pole.

"And another thing, motherfucker!"

[applause]

"You been watching me, but I been watching you!

I'm gonna punch you right in your knot!"

I live here in Denver. What an awesome city, and...

-[cheering] -Oh, wow.

People are excited about Colorado right now.

I know that much.

Since we legalized marijuana.

-[cheering] -Oh. I wanted you guys

to know that I've been treating it like it was legal for years.

It's my medicine.

I'm feeling, oh, so much better.

I'm so high, I don't even know what disability I have.

I'll tell you, though, it is a bitch being blind.

Just outside the venue today, I had somebody come up to me go,

"Hey, man, are you in town?"

Not yet.

You just keep looking for me, okay?

I had two people come up to me like,

"Hey, you're a comedian."

Like, bitch, I know.

I really do love telling jokes, you know?

I feel like the reason I'm able to come up here

and tell you about my life

is 'cause I realized at a very young age

that when one door closes...

it locks behind you.

Just gotta go to the next house.

[cheering, applause]

Use a window if you have to.

[chuckles]

-Thanks. -[woman laughs]

I love a good late laugh.

It means she can relate to the joke on some fucked up level.

Love it, man.

My life, I'm just...

I am really a random shit magnet.

Last time I was leaving the Denver airport,

which we built in Nebraska...

Like, why'd they build it so fucking far away? I...

Oh, you couldn't find an Indian burial ground closer?

[cheering, applause]

You guys know in the TSA line,

there's a bin where they put all the liquids

that they steal from you?

You know what I'm talking about? There's a big bin

with, like, water bottles and shaving cream

and... people's dreams.

Well, on top of all that was also a giant,

mostly empty bottle of ketchup.

Just... just been on my mind.

So much that I had a shirt made for that shit.

That's really, seriously...

[applause]

It's just been bugging the shit out of me, man.

Like, it was like a 64-ounce bottle of ketchup,

58 of which were missing. Like...

Why was that a travel item?

And why'd they need to take it away?

Just let the guy fucking have it.

It's obviously very important.

It's made it this far in the journey.

I think the better question is why didn't someone

take it away sooner?

Seems like something the wife would have stepped in.

Like...

"I don't know what you're up to.

But no!"

I bet that guy was pissed when they took it from him.

Would have loved to be a fly on the wall wherever he was going.

"Oh, man! They took my ketchup!

[mumbles] Taking my freedom!

I stood there and drunk as much as I could.

Oh, not gonna let 'em win!

Didn't find my mustard, though.

I hid it real good."

That's just one scenario.

Thanks for letting me say that shit out loud, man.

You guys ever smoke weed out of an apple before?

[cheering, whistling]

I like smoking out of an apple 'cause I travel all the time.

And, you know, you can find an apple in any airport.

The reason I like to smoke out of an apple

is because obviously I don't roll.

If I'm rolling the joint, we are losing a lot of product.

There ain't nobody getting high.

Just trying to sniff it out of the carpet.

That's not how you do that drug.

The reason I bring up the old apple pipe

is, uh, a couple weeks ago, I was on the road

and I had one with me.

I'm waiting for my ride from my hotel.

And then down the street

comes a pig on a horse.

That's a cop, guys.

[cheering]

Anyway, this mounted officer...

Is that better, team?

Anyway, so he comes clippity-clopping by.

And I'm all high and paranoid, like...

"Oh, shit, what if the horse smells apple?"

They just keep getting closer, I'm like,

"This is about to fucking happen."

He clippity-clops right on up to me,

recognizes me, he's like, "Hey, I saw you on TV."

I was like, "Sweet, can I feed your horse an apple?"

He let me do it.

"Have a fun day, officer."

Would have loved to see that later in the afternoon.

A horse is fancy dancing.

"Something got into Becky.

Never seen her drink so much water."

Just another scenario.

And then I had this happen to me.

I was coming out of the San Diego airport,

and I bumped into a large, muscly, black cop

with a German shepherd.

And he recognized me.

And I thought I was playing it cool.

I don't know how he saw it, but...

After about two minutes, he looks at me, goes,

"Don't worry, Josh.

It's a bomb-sniffing dog."

Thank God... ooh!

All right.

"What's your puppy's name Come here, boy.

It's a little puppy!"

Not so scary now, are you, dog?

So, look, I know this might be a little off topic.

But... have any of you

ever bonked heads...

when you're fucking?

Me-- me too.

If you ain't done it, you ain't doing it right.

Although nothing will bring a dick down faster

than bonking your head...

Boom! I'm out.

I like that joke, 'cause right away

I can tell who has done it and who has not.

People that have done it are laughing their ass off.

People that have not are like, "I don't know.

[mutters] I wish."

I can see a few couples out there

where one person was trying not to laugh.

'Cause they know they've bonked heads with someone else.

You're welcome, date night.

You're welcome.

I'm married.

My wife is Japanese.

[cheering]

Yeah, that makes us a pretty diverse couple.

Let's just say we check a lot of boxes.

English is my wife's second language.

That's worked out fine.

You don't really need to understand everything

the other person says, right?

I mean, think about the person you're with.

You probably don't even listen to half the shit they say.

It's even better when you don't even understand it.

"Golly, I wish I could help."

We've come a long way in understanding each other.

That's for sure.

'Cause when we first started dating,

we couldn't understand most of the shit

the other person was saying.

It was a simpler time.

Easier back then, you know?

I did day-to-day basics, like...

"You hungry?

You want to eat?

Eat? Eat?"

Yep, that's how she talked to me.

I preferred it.

Just a lot easier, you know?

My wife is a nurse.

I have a lot of respect for nurses, man.

[cheering, applause]

Yeah.

Well, doesn't it seem like they do all the work

and then the doctor comes in, like, "Mm-hm. That's right.

I am off to be late for something else."

[cheering, applause]

"That'll be $500,000.

Oh, and it turns out we don't take your insurance."

Anybody else have that insurance that covers everything

but your problem that you have?

"Oh, did it happen on a Wednesday?

Oh... sorry, don't cover Wednesdays."

Just my life, you know?

My wife works in the ICU.

And I don't know how she does that, man.

I could not do that shit.

For any number of reasons.

"Hi, I'm here to put in your catheter.

Just hold still.

Actually, why don't you wiggle with me?

Maybe we'll cancel each other out.

Oh, what's that? You like to put it in yourself?"

And that's how we'll save money on healthcare.

I thought having a nurse in the house

would make me feel more safe.

Nope.

I feel more at risk.

'Cause I have yet to be able to injure myself

bad enough for her to give a shit.

No matter how deep the cut is,

she's just looking at me like, "Oh, you fine."

Okay, honey, I guess I'll just go bleed out here

in the corner then.

Oh, in the tub? Okay.

"You fine."

I can see bone, I'm not fine.

I need stitch!

Sewy, sewy, nowy, nowy, come on.

We don't get stitches at our house.

We get Super Glued.

You ever try that? It's amazing. It works really well.

Next time you cut yourself,

just take the two pieces of skin, glue it back together.

It's like it never even happened, man.

Except for some intense burning.

Just...

Just a side note.

First time my wife tried to Super Glue me,

I was like, "Really? This is what you're doing in the ICU?

I call bullshit.

When's Bring Your Spouse to Work Day?

Check that out."

Maybe I'd be pleasantly surprised

and they're gluing pancreases back in. I don't...

"Do it quick, doc. Remember last time it stuck to your hand!"

It's a bitch getting a pancreas off, let me tell you that much.

Like I said, my wife is very smart,

'cause not only does she work in the ICU,

but she's gone back to school

to, um...

Oh, man, I tried to listen.

[cheering]

Oh, yeah...

She-- she seemed excited.

Good for her. You know?

So proud.

So proud.

Like I said, I love coming up here and telling jokes.

And, uh, I think the reason I'm able to do this

is 'cause I know that when God takes something away,

He's probably gonna take something else.

So... [laughs]

Through my comedy, I've realized that I've helped

to bring disability into the limelight.

-And, uh... -[cheering, applause]

Thank you.

What I wanted you to know

is, uh, that wasn't my intention.

I'm up here for very selfish reasons.

People are like, "Oh, you're so inspirational."

I'm like, "I'm telling dick jokes.

How low is your bar?"

People are like, "Oh, you're so inspirational.

All that you've accomplished, all that you've overcome."

Well, thanks, that's really nice of you.

But I gotta tell you, I'm a little uninspired

'cause there's nothing wrong with you,

and you ain't done shit.

[cheering]

People are like, "Oh, you're so inspirational.

You know? My uncle has rickets."

Rickets? I don't even know what the fuck that is.

Sounds itchy to me.

Ooh, itchy rickets.

That'd be a good band name.

Itchy Ricket.

Also sounds like something old-school Batman would say,

like, "Holy Itchy Rickets, Robin!"

Blam!

Pow!

Rickets!

Them rickets will fuck you up, Jack.

That's the finishing move for sure.

That's for a couple people.

Rickets. All right. Glad I could help.

You know what I've learned along the way,

is that a lot of disabled people,

we don't like to be called "inspirational."

We call it the "I" word, 'cause it's offensive to us.

I know you think you're being nice.

Like, "Oh, you're so inspirational."

But what we hear is,

"Man, if I was you, I'd have killed myself.

I don't know how you do it, man. Shit."

One thing I've had to learn to deal with,

uh, being in the limelight is fan mail.

I get a lot of really nice messages on social media.

That's really cool, you know?

People saying nice things about you.

That's... almost too--

You know, it's hard to read that, you know?

Sometimes I'm just like, "I wish they'd be dicks about it."

And then people sometimes write mean things, and I'm like,

"Oh, yeah, that does hurt."

But sometimes, you know, people send me these messages

that are really nice.

But ultimately, it's just some really...

heavy shit.

I get messages from people like, uh,

"You know, my dad was dying of cancer.

And we watched your show.

And he laughed."

And I am like...

delete.

I can't be reading that shit.

You guys are not ready for "delete," I could tell.

I have a feeling I'm gonna spend the rest of the show

just trying to win back the "delete" people.

I've seen so much cruelty towards disability.

And that's something I never understood.

I guess it's whenever someone's being mean,

I think people are just scared of what they don't understand.

They lash out or whatever way that is.

But whenever someone's being mean,

what I think they don't realize is that the disabled community

is the largest minority group on the planet.

-[applause] -Yeah, 'cause... well...

'Cause they pile us all together.

If you're blind, get in the pile.

If you're deaf, help the blind guy find the pile.

If you got one leg, hop on. Oh...

I'll stop, I'll stop, guys.

But whenever someone's being mean,

what I think they don't realize

is not only are we the largest minority group on the planet,

but we're also the only minority group

that you can join at any time.

You're just one bad bike ride away.

Red rover, red rover.

Don't make me help your dumb ass come over!

So I did a show a couple weeks ago,

and in the audience there was a blind and deaf man.

Like, just, like...

And he had two interpreters

that, uh, signed into his hand.

Like, into the palm of his hand.

Like, that, first of all, how is that even a fucking thing?

Like, how do you tell him where the table is,

let alone all the gobbledy-gook that I'm saying up here?

He's laughing at all the right parts and shit.

I'm like, what the fuck is this?

So I thought I'd mess with him a little bit.

I'm like, all right, dude,

I don't even think you're disabled.

You know, I think you just like having two ladies

touching on your hand like that.

You know, the crowd laughed, and then they were, they, uh,

typed it into his hand.

And he goes like this: "Mah!"

Which apparently in blind-deaf means, "Fuck you!"

"Mah!"

About pissed myself, man.

That is... that is amazing, right?

That... that guy is just so inspirational.

If I was him, I'd have killed myself, I know that much.

Delete!

A lot of people don't know this about me, but for many years

I was a member of the U.S. Paralympic Soccer team.

[cheering, applause]

Where were you guys at the game?

Could have used those 38 claps.

I know a lot of you maybe don't know what the Paralympics are.

It's the Olympics for people with physical disabilities.

It's, uh, the second largest sporting event on the planet.

We're, uh, second only to the, uh...

able-bodied Olympics.

Ah... fuck.

Oh, yeah, must be tough running with two legs, huh?

Ain't nothing but punk bitches to us.

[cheering, applause]

I did love being on that team.

I'm unfortunately no longer a member.

I, uh, got cut for doping.

Wasn't performance-enhancing.

I thought I should have got a medal for being able

to play in that condition.

Anti-doping agency didn't see it that way.

I do miss being on that team, man. It was great.

Got to hang out with other physically disabled dudes.

We've all been through some of the same bullshit, you know?

Just got really comfortable with each other.

We got so comfortable, that we came up with this game

where we would see who could hold open

their fucked-up hand longer.

Ready... go! Okay...

-[cheering, applause] -Shit!

Good game. Good game.

Got you next time, dog. Shit.

Don't let me put my brace on.

One thing I really miss about that team

is traveling with everybody.

'Cause to me, there's nothing more entertaining

than watching 12 dudes with cerebral palsy

get off an airplane in a row.

Everybody in the terminal thinks it was some type

of zombie invasion going on.

He's a goalie.

I could do all 12 if you need me to.

None of us really walk like that.

We just like fucking around.

One thing I don't miss about the team

is our coach used to make us always dress as a team.

You know, that's cool, represent your country.

But we're trying not to stick out as it is.

Bunch of crippled dudes,

now we're all wearing the same track suit.

"All I'm saying, Coach, is just give us a chance.

Just a chance."

People walking by us, like,

"Oh, that's nice, they took 'em to the mall."

[applause]

"Some of them got stuff."

I got to go to the '04 Paralympics in Athens, Greece.

-And, uh... oh. -[cheering]

Oh. We definitely do not deserve that clapping.

We got our asses kicked.

We did not belong in the Paralympic Games.

'Cause the other teams were way... way better.

Like, the Russian team? Holy shit, they're so good.

They beat us 11 to one.

And the one was them shooting on their own goal.

Just... just to show off.

Just taking shots on their own goal.

The goalie saved a few, too.

They finally got one in on him.

They were so good.

I just watched like a spectator after a while.

I was like, "Oh, shit! Did you see that?

The ball went right by me!

It's going fast!"

I found out real quick,

Coach don't like when you high-five the other team.

Seriously, though, that Russian team was phenomenal.

After a little while, I was like, "Okay.

There's nothing even wrong with that guy right there.

I call bullshit, number five."

"Better get a neurologist out here."

Then I run back, like, "Oh, shit, his hand's on backward.

All right.

Fucking backward hand. I hate that guy.

He's so good."

So I've been over to Japan three times

to visit my wife's family.

Have any of you ever been?

-[scattered applause] -Oh.

To visit my wife's family?

Do you think it's too late for me to tell my wife

I don't know what her dad's name is?

Whoopsie-daisies! Huh?

It's not like I don't wanna know,

I just haven't been able to fucking figure it out.

I've tried, I've tried lots of things.

I went so far to steal his mail.

That didn't fucking help at all.

I did narrow it down, though.

I'm pretty sure his name is written

"line, stick... box."

Line Stick Box. So...

Anybody know how to pronounce that?

You'd be doing me a solid.

Line Stick Box. Serious...

I'll probably find out that means, like,

"Current resident."

"Oh, good morning, Current Resident. Hey."

Japan's not a very touchy-feely country either.

You don't shake hands. You bow.

You know I fuck that up, right?

First time I met someone, I tried to bow,

we bonked heads.

[cheering]

Not in the good way.

I'm a hugger by nature, you know?

And, uh, I learned that they do not like hugs in Japan.

People will bow backwards not to hug me. Like...

Oh, no, no, no...

Oh, no, no, no...

You know, my wife makes no attempt

to translate anything at all.

So that means the whole three weeks I'm over there,

I'm just living off of social cues, just...

"Well, everyone's putting their coat on.

I guess we're going somewhere.

Hope it's some type of meal. I'm fucking starving."

Oh, and then that's the next problem I have,

is meal times.

'Cause you know in Japan you eat the majority

of your meals sitting on the floor.

At a low table.

Which I think is a very beautiful cultural experience.

For most.

But the thing you need to know

is that people with cerebral palsy,

we don't fold up well.

It's like trying to do origami with plywood.

The problem is the table is too low

for me to stick my stiff-ass legs underneath.

So I end up having to go lengthwise with the table.

You know...

Just taking up five seats.

Just lounging in the restaurant.

Her whole family's on the other side of the table.

I'm just kicking it over here.

Like I own the motherfucker. Just...

[cheering, applause]

This is Josh's sushi spot.

Oh, and then the next big problem is... chopsticks.

Yeah, laugh it up, fuckers. Laugh...

I don't do chopsticks.

So now, not only am I the only person lounging around,

I'm also the only person having to eat like this.

Like, okay, yeah.

Mm.

"This is good soup.

That broth is hot.

[blowing]

By the way, thanks for taking us out to dinner,

Line Stick Box."

[cheering, applause]

"Taking real good care of your daughter."

Sometimes I feel bad for old Current Resident.

You know?

I do love Japan, though. It's fun.

One thing I love is their vending machines.

Holy shit, you can buy anything in a vending machine in Japan.

Like, beer? Oh, that's child's play.

I'm talking car parts.

I saw a vending machine that had live fish in it.

Thought it was some type of mobile pet store.

Nope. Snack machine.

Just a couple of minnows to pick you up or whatever.

I saw a vending machine that had sex toys in it.

I thought that was a little crazy.

Just right on the street, buy a big floppy dildo.

B7.

Future reference.

There's all kinds of kinky shit in there like butt plugs

and cock rings and, uh, what turned out to be

a pre-worn pair of women's underwear.

I'm just standing on the street looking at all this kinky shit,

thinking, "And I can't get a fucking hug?"

[cheering, whistling]

No, but I can get some pre-worn panties.

They were pre-worn and then packaged back up.

I was like, what is that factory like?

"Okay, Suki, 100 more pairs, and you can go on break.

Now get back in your macramé sweat pants and start jogging."

I don't know how they do it.

That's just speculation.

Okay, delete. All right...

I got you covered. I got you covered.

I have had some of you sick bastards ask me

which hand I jack off with.

Righty likes it a little rough.

The ultimate stranger.

The stranger, I never got that.

Isn't that where you're supposed to, like, sit on your hand

until it goes numb,

and then when you jack off, it's like someone else is doing it?

Now, I think that's all well and good...

if you want to be jacked off by a dude.

"Oh, thank you, trucker. Have a good day.

That was nice of him."

You guys really are an awesome crowd.

This definitely... Man, this has gotta be

the best Make A Wish ever, man.

[cheering]

It just keeps going and going, you know?

Thanks for playing along. It was...

nice of you to donate your time.

Sure you can all write this off.

There's some Republican out there, like, "Hey!

I didn't know I could do that.

Might have to come to more of these cripple functions.

Splendid showing, really.

He's a real thoroughbred of the crippled community."

I don't even know what that means, but...

Fun to say.

My whole life is...

I'm pretty sure they broke the mold

before they made me.

Don't "oh." Don't "oh." Come on, man.

"Oh!"

Okay, I'll do it again. Delete! I got it, I got it.

We're back to square one. All right?

I do love telling jokes,

but there is something I love even more than doing this.

And that's being a dad.

[cheering, whistling]

Hey, thanks, some of you.

I do love being a dad. It's great.

Although, uh, I do think it's a little weird

that you can accidentally make a person.

I can't even make a fucking bird house.

And I made two beautiful people.

-I knew... yeah. -[cheering, applause]

I mean, then I have a pile of cut-up boards. So...

Seriously, it does seem like, uh,

there should be a little more to it.

Like, you can't even make a cake that fast. You know?

"Oh! Oh, shit, the baby's in there!

This is serious!"

We got nine months to freak the fuck out.

Just watching the poor woman that you love

grow some type of parasite in her belly.

You see it writhing around, you're like,

"Oh, shit, honey, you better get that out soon!

I remember when I had worms, that fucked me up for a minute."

My son ended up having to be a C-section.

You know, they told me not to look over the curtain.

I should have listened.

Just sitting there by her side, talking.

I just stand up, have a peek over.

First thing I saw were her intestines.

Followed by something that I could not identify.

And then I decided to come on back over to this side.

Just sat back down like, "Oh, honey!

I don't think you should be this calm.

Some serious shit going on right over there.

Right... like... like, your guts are out.

I could touch them with a stick from here.

Just on the other side of this magic curtain here.

I don't know how that's working..."

Then they finally pulled my son out

and squeegeed him off.

Hand him over to me first thing, I'm like,

"Are you sure this is the right move?

Oh, yeah, just give him to the shakiest guy in the hospital.

That's good."

I love being a dad. They grow up so fast.

People say that, but, man, it's true.

And kids are expensive, man.

-Oh... man. -[applause]

Seventy cents a day, my ass.

"Mah!"

My son is seven now, and he's like some type of spider monkey.

I don't know, he, like, climbs anything, you know?

His mom's Japanese, and, uh...

Well, I don't really think that has anything to do with it...

I just picked a weird time to remind you of that.

Maybe it does have to do with his little Asian hands, though.

I mean, I've seen him shimmy up a crack in the kitchen wall.

"Better get that fixed."

He's not afraid to jump on me from any height.

"Ooh, Daddy's crazy arm will catch me, whee!"

"Thirty-five feet's too high!"

In addition to my seven-year-old,

I also have a five-year-old girl that lives in my house.

Are you familiar with these psychopaths?

Yeah.

She's in charge of every goddamn thing on the planet.

Like, you guys maybe don't know this,

but you work for her.

If she was here right now, you'd be broken down into teams.

"Daddy's special, be damned. You're building a fort."

Some of you'd be gathering materials.

And the weaker of you would be trying to tie shit to stuff.

She's always got these random-ass tasks for me,

like, "Oh, Daddy!

Can you please tie this to my pony's tail?"

Probably not.

You get... you get Daddy's hot glue gun, I'll hook you up.

She's seriously the cutest thing that you'll ever be afraid of.

She comes in the room, I'm like, "Oh, shit!

She's coming over here!

Save yourself, son! Climb something!"

She really is so fucking cute, but...

Kids need to be cute, too, man.

If they weren't cute, you would crush the shit out of them.

At least be like, "I got you." Whoops!

But my daughter seriously is the stubbornest person

I've ever met, like, she's the most stubborn human

possibly on the planet.

I met a lot of people, and not yet have I met

anyone else that comes close to this little girl.

She, like, in her lifetime, I probably tried to put her

on time out, like... 500 times?

That's a lot of times, and not once did it take.

Like, my son was the exact opposite.

Like, he'd get in trouble, "Okay, you're on time out."

He'd walk himself over to the time-out spot.

Sit himself down.

And then, like...

three hours later, I'd be like, "Oh, hey, buddy!

Oh! Hey! Oh!

Hey!

Come on, then. Look, I don't even remember why you're here.

You've obviously had some time to think about it.

Why don't you go find something you like to do? Go on."

My daughter, on the other hand,

I gave up even trying to get her onto a time out area.

Like, I just have to tell other people that she's on time out.

"She's on time out!

Don't look at her!

Or try to talk to her in any way!

In fact, everyone, why don't you come with me?

And we'll huddle over here in the corner!

Till she's done doing whatever the fuck she wants to do!"

Not saying I'm a good dad, but...

I like it.

My daughter's so funny too.

She's got the timing down.

Like, my son wants to be funny.

He is not funny.

Okay, well, it's not that he's not funny.

It's just that he's not funny... to me. You know?

Like, I'm not trying to be a comedy snob or whatever.

I just don't like his...

brand or whatever.

Other people like his shit, I just...

Not my cup of tea.

Well, he's more like a... more of a dick.

You got that buddy that will say any old dumb shit to you?

That's my son.

He'll be doing some fine motor skill thing,

and be like, "Daddy, you wanna do this? Just kidding.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

See how that's funny to other people?

My daughter, you know, she's a little tyrant.

But she can be nice, when she chooses to be.

She... she gave me a compliment the other day.

And I didn't really take it right at first.

We were doing some daddy-daughter errands.

We were coming out of the bank.

And, you know, I had what I thought

was a fashionable bag to carry water bottles

and paperwork and shit.

And she looks at me, she goes, "I like your purse, Daddy."

I thought about it for a minute,

you know, at first it hurt. You know?

But then I was like, well, unlike her dick brother...

she really means it.

She did like my purse.

I went on a road trip the other day with my kids.

We went to Sidney, Nebraska.

I figured I'd just take the kids along.

Three-hour drive from here. Right?

Well... I ended up in the back middle seat

between the two car seats,

'cause we had another comic and my friend drove.

And, uh... actually, the kids were really good.

It was me that fucked it up.

I'm going along, I try to take a drink out of, like,

a two-liter bottle of soda that we had,

but we didn't have any cups.

And we hit a bump.

And I palsy, like, squeeze the bottle.

And it, like, shot into the back of my throat.

And then I just sprayed it out.

Like... like, everybody got some. Like...

It...

Well...

And it made it to the windshield.

Where they're, like, trying to wipe it off, it's all...

I spent the next hour trying to clean up that sticky mess.

And I work up enough courage to try to take another drink.

And as I'm going to take the top off,

my little five-year-old goes,

"Everybody put your raincoats on!"

[cheering]

Got a dick daughter, too. [laughs]

I'm really excited about this. I've worked it out.

So tonight a large portion of the proceeds

from my CDs and DVDs and t-shirts

goes... to a disabled person.

[cheering]

Oh, this is too much, guys. Thank you.

I know. It feels good.

He's a special little guy.

I think he's got rickets.

You guys are awesome. Thank you very much.

[cheering]

[music plays]

[cheering continues]

-[girl] Action! -Mah!

-[girl] That's all you got? -[laughs]