Original subtitles

- Hello, my name is Laci, and I'm really excited

'cause I always wanted to go to my own funeral.

(upbeat music)

Hey, okay.

- [Vic] Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- I don't know what you guys are going to do to me.

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- [Laci] Oh, what's going on here? What is this, honey?

Y'all not sending me to space, are y'all?

Gayle King is the only one doing that, okay?

(crew laughing) I'm not doing that.

(Laci laughing)

No, y'all did not!

Is this "Ratatouille"? Ratatouicci?

I gotta do a 360. A little-

Oh, no.

Oh why would y'all do this? (laughs)

Okay though, it got some action though.

Am I a Who that just left Pride?

Grinch, give us back our Christmas!

Am I right? Slay, is it that?

But I love that I do have a contour still.

Okay, I'm still a baddie though. I'm still- (laughs)

Okay, I'm going to pull all the Whos in Whoville.

Okay, who is your man? Mine. Yeah.

? Scoot on down. Scoot on down the sidewalk ?

Am I a rich person's poodle?

Like if Dennis Rodman had a dog.

(upbeat music)

(Vic sighs)

- We all have a story to tell

and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.

Good evening.

I'm Vic Michaelis back with another edition of

"Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- My name is Paloma.

(dramatic music)

- Well, Paloma, this is actually quite a unique episode

that we're doing today.

You know, normally we invite guests on.

- Oh. - You've bought out

the entire hour here.

- Yes. - We noticed you drove up

in a Bentley? - I was trying to be modest.

This neighborhood is a little sketchy.

Silver Lake is sort of a popular neighborhood

here in Los Angeles. - It's popular for crime.

- I'd say maybe it's a crime

how much a matcha latte costs here.

(Paloma laughing richly) - (laughs) Okay.

- [Paloma] Was that a relatable laugh?

Did I laugh relatably in poor?

- Do you think I'm poor?

- No. - [Vic] You know what?

This is not about me. This is about you.

- Yes. - [Vic] Two weeks ago,

something very tragic happened.

- (sighs) The man that I've been with

for 17 dog years. - Wow.

- He's gone to that dog bed in the sky. Only he was a man.

- Two weeks ago, he passes on over that rainbow bridge.

- Yes.

- You are left alone in this world.

- I got a letter in the mail, - Okay.

- and naturally I was really angry with the mailman.

- Sure. - I don't trust people

who drive cars with no doors.

- I honestly feel the same way about the mailman.

- I'm glad that you can get mail with your income.

- Mail's sort of like a public service.

It's sort of universally for anybody.

But also I could FedEx something.

- Oh, okay. Yeah, so I got a letter.

And it stated that my man, partner, friend, Alfred,

left me the estate. - His entire fortune?

- Yes. - Valued at $3.6 billion.

- And I'm here to hopefully

use your platform to reach out to my family, my step-people,

and make one last ditch effort to put us back together.

- You have three step-people, correct?

- Yes. - And they are

Madison?

- Louisa. - And three, two, one-

- Other Louisa. - Other Louisa. Yeah.

- They keep calling me things like, "dog."

- Sure. - "You're a dog."

"Why would they leave money to a dog?"

- It feels tricky when bitch is right there, right?

- Bitch doesn't bother me. We've reclaimed it.

- Well, I understand that you're in

a pretty intense probate battle with your step-people.

- Mhm. - So I was wondering maybe

you could take this opportunity now to

go ahead and send a message to your step-people.

- You know what, I am going to stand up.

- [Vic] Okay. (Paloma sighs)

- Madison,

Louisa,

and other Louisa.

I may dig for bones

but I have never been a gold digger.

Your father loved me and he told me I was a good girl.

You know who weren't good girls?

You!

Oh wait, this is supposed to be an apology.

You guys have editors, correct?

We can take some of that out?

- We can, but it seems like you don't actually apologize

to them is what I'm saying. - Oh no, I do. I am...

I am...

Sss-

That was really-

- That was the apology? - That was really emotional.

- So sort of from my perspective, it sort of looked like

you yelled at them for a few minutes and then-

- Please don't victim blame. - And I wouldn't.

- I was crying.

- Were you? - I was sobbing.

- So sort of maybe this sob will have tears attached to it.

You know what I mean?

- That is more than one way to cry.

- Okay. - And when you say

that crying needs tears, you are leaving out

the dry eyed community. - I see, so I'm going to

apologize to the dry eyed community.

I didn't realize that, that-

- Take accountability. - Okay, so-

- You can do it to me. I'm the one you offended.

- Okay, so then we'll do it like that.

To Paloma and the rest of the dry eyed community, I-

- When you do the dry eyed community part,

then you should stand and say it to the community.

- Oh, I see. Paloma?

- [Paloma] Yes?

(thoughtful music) - And the dry eyed community,

I would like to sincerely apologize and take accountability

for the fact that I did not realize-

- No, you didn't!

Continue. Not everyone will forgive you.

- Okay so you're sort of being the audience

in this situation. - [Paloma] Yes, yes, yes.

(thoughtful music) - I am sorry.

I would like to open my heart and let you know that

I didn't realize that some people cry without tears.

- What are you going to do in the future?

Stop making excuses! - Okay and in the future,

I will realize that some cry without tears,

some scream without voices,

and you are still a valuable member of society.

- Mm. - And I will make a donation.

I will make a monetary donation

to Visine?

- They need it!

- And the Johnson & Johnson Corporation.

- They're so poor. - $500.

(thoughtful music continues)

I will donate $500...

$5,000...

(whispers nervously) $500,000-

- Okay, you're sweating. It's okay, it's okay.

- So, you know, we'll sort of figure out

maybe that amount after that.

And we will be back in one minute after a new segment

from Chompsky's Potato Chips.

(upbeat music) Today we have a surprise

for our wonderful PA named...

Oh our wonderful PA, there is a surprise

for her and her name is...

Her name, her name is...

Her name is- - Jada.

- Jada.

We have a surprise for our wonderful PA named Jada.

Jada, hold out your hands.

And there you go.

Your surprise flan. Open your blindfold.

Guess what it is?

(upbeat music continues)

- Open the blindfold? - Open the blindfold.

But guess what it is. Guess what your surprise flan is.

- Ah- - Guess what your surprise is.

- Well, you said flan so I guess-

- There we go!

Congratulations, Jada!

We appreciate you here on "Very Important People"

sponsored by Chompsky's, America's tastiest, heartiest,

crispiest chip.

And we're back. That was fun.

Let's go ahead and move on to our next segment

"What's In My Bag."

(funky music)

What a beautiful bag. - Oh, thank you!

- Heavy. A lot of cash out, friend.

- You never know what you're going to have to

pick up some poop.

- Okay, so that's sort of poop money?

- Yes, this is poop money. - Sort of shit money.

Okay, so we'll sort of maybe let's take a peek in the bag.

Oh, we have some car keys.

(Paloma giggling) Some car keys. Okay.

Okay, so sort of a toy for you is a Honda Accord?

(Paloma wailing)

Are you all right? Okay.

- Alfred used to jingle these at me.

- Are they just the keys

or does the Honda Accord come attached to it?

- No, we thought it was funny that there was such a car.

- Maybe let's move on to the next item.

- [Paloma] Yes, please. Could you?

- Oh, a notebook?

- [Paloma] Yes. Sure. - May I?

I see a really beautiful passage here.

Do you mind taking a read?

It's sort of is talking a little bit about

your grief process here.

- Oh, oh it says, (Paloma sighing)

(somber music) "Dear diary,

it's yours truly, Paloma,

as it always has been from the very first page.

You lost your partner, your friend, the person who saw you

at the puppy pound when no one else would.

When Sarah McLachlan stopped singing for us

and we lost all of our funding

and we thought all hope was lost,

you came in and you rescued me.

And now that you're gone, I spend my days

getting diamond tip facials-" - Days?

- If you want this kind of coat, you must take care of it.

- Write that done. diamond tip facial, maybe.

(somber music) - Yes, "but I spend my days

crying my dry eyes out,

- Yeah.

- sticking my head out of every car that we..."

Oh, "I own now," - Yeah.

- "the McLaren.

The headwind just doesn't feel the same.

The Bentley, when that door opens from the back,

I don't pant out of it as fast as I used to."

- I know exactly what that's like.

- The helicopter pads- - Sure.

- That once would ruffled my fur,

when I knew that Alfred was coming home

from a long day golfing 20 minutes away.

- I hate it when the helicopter pad,

when you're on there and it just, you know, it-

- Oh, you've seen it on the news?

- Well, no one time I broke my foot at a soccer game

and they helivacked me off the field.

- Oh my gosh.

What a wonderful experience that must have been for you.

Your time to be in a helicopter.

- Okay well, and that sort of brings me to the

next one here, which is-

(Paloma laughing)

- My pistol.

- Why are we carrying this around?

- To shoot people if needed.

- Right okay, so we'll sort of put that back.

- Yeah, we should cut that out.

- Can I ask, how did Alfred die?

- He died of causes. - Of causes? Okay.

- I actually started charity for causes.

- [Vic] Okay, yeah. - I want to end all of them.

- We can see that sort of in your video

for the charity right here. - Yes.

(soft piano music) Every single day,

100% of people

are being affected

by causes.

Causes affect all of us,

but together we can be aware

of them.

- Huh, okay. Vague.

Vague in a way that sort of covers everything.

- It gets me every time. - Yeah. Okay, here we go.

Rapid fire questions.

(funky music)

Oh, what's your go-to pickup line?

(Paloma imitates dog growling)

- I try that one sometimes. Who is your best friend?

- Alfred! And he's dead!

And I don't know who did it.

But we need to get out of probate court right now!

Madison, Luisa, and other Luisa!

- Mama, I'm sorry, my producer is flagging a photo

and we're going to go ahead and pull up that photo.

It is a photo of you with another partner, another man.

- Oh. (laughs) Oh, that is just a walker.

- And another photo, he is giving you a treat.

- [Paloma] That's just a walker.

- So your best friend is Alfred

and you feel confident saying that,

knowing that we have these photos?

- Yeah, I feel really attacked. I feel-

(Paloma growls and barks)

- Hey, hey! We're fine, no, it's fine.

No, don't worry about it. Next question.

Fuck, marry, or kill?

- Kill? Who said anything about killing?

- No, it's like a game-

- Who said anything about me killing somebody?

- I don't think anybody- - Did Madison say that?

Did that bitch Madison talk to you?

She's a skank, - You just told me that.

- She's a filthy skank and she's a liar. She's a liar!

I didn't kill anybody! - [Vic] Did you?

- I've never done murders ever before.

- Nobody said that. You're saying that you didn't murder-

- And I never do them again

because you got to do it once to do it again.

(Paloma barks and growls) - Hey, hey hey! Chill out!

Okay, and nobody said that.

- Give me your pant legs! - What's this? What's this?

- I want suck on your pant legs. (growling)

- There we go. Okay, hey, hey, hey!

Okay, hold on, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey what's this? What is this?

What is this? Is that a dog treat? (curious dog noises)

Yeah, yeah, okay. (excited panting)

Oh, look at this.

Okay, here we go. Oh, yum, yum, yummy.

Okay, that's kind of sweet actually.

Yeah, oh you're not in trouble.

No first-degree murder for you.

No first-degree murder for you. You're so pretty.

You're a beautiful dog. - Thank you.

- [Vic] You want some more? You want some more?

- Thank you. Okay, I killed him.

- Okay. Okay. So- Okay, yeah. - I killed him with a knife.

- Why does it matter? I'm a dog!

You said it, I'm a dog. All dogs go to heaven.

There's no consequences.

There's nothing in the law book that says a dog

can't stab a man repeatedly and then clean it with bleach.

- Okay, I'm Vic Michaelis reminding you to be true yourself

unless you'd rather be somebody else, goodnight.

(Paloma imitates dog growling)

Bad dog.

So...

Call the cops. I think she killed him.

(Paloma barking)

(edgy music)

- (giggling) Okay. Shh, shh, okay.

Edwin, hello, I was just wanted to say, I noticed

what a wonderful job you've been doing on set

and I have a gift for you.

You've been pranked.

You've been pranked on our hidden camera show.

You got chomped, Edwin! (laughs)

No, I do need that. I need that back.

- Do you have change? Can you break change for me?

Edwin? Oh, oh, Edwin, Edwin!

Hold on though. Wait, just come back, come back.

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