Original subtitles

[music playing]

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: Your name, please?

FRENCHMAN: Raymond [inaudible] [speaking french]

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: Have you any special wishes?

FRENCHMAN: [speaking french]

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: Forgetfulness.

That's what most of them ask for.

Granted.

Next, please.

Your name?

CHINESE MAN: [speaking chinese]

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: What do you want?

CHINESE MAN: [speaking chinese]

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: Love and peace.

Granted.

Next, please.

MAXWELL: And who may you be?

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: Assistant secretary

to the lower admission office.

MAXWELL: Oh.

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: Your name?

MAXWELL: Maxwell Bard, sir.

I'm British.

Do you mind?

But I've lived for years in California.

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: Your wish?

MAXWELL: Well, I'd like to watch some friends

for the next 24 hours.

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: What?

Look at Earth again?

But why?

MAXWELL: Uh.

May I answer that in private?

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: There are no secrets here.

MAXWELL: It's all rather embarrassing.

May I whisper, sir?

ASSISTANT SECRETARY: If it makes you feel better.

MAXWELL: Well, my three closest friends are three married

couples in San Francisco.

You see, the husbands were so completely convinced--

[laughter]

[music playing]

JANE: How long do you think you'll be?

I wouldn't know.

How long does it take to read a will?

I don't think it's funny.

I wasn't asked to come along.

I wonder why? -It's obvious.

He didn't leave you any money.

I was just as good a friend of his

as-- oh, it isn't the money.

You know I never think of that.

Why should you?

Haven't you a good husband?

Don't I always give you everything your heart desires?

Where are you going now?

Well, I thought I'd try to turn in my seats

to the symphony concert.

Poor girl.

You do miss Max, don't you?

See if you can swap your matinee seats

for a pair for the evening.

I'll go with you.

Arthur Evans, you haven't been to a symphony concert in years.

Yeah, what kind of husband are you?

You also expecting to inherit a fortune?

Why shouldn't he?

Next of kin.

My mother thinks we will. Me?

I never expect anything.

Saves a lot of disappointment.

-You smart boy. -You coming?

Better go ahead.

I'll see you upstairs.

So long, Jane.

Bye.

Wait just a second.

Flowers?

Please.

Thank you.

Here.

Cheer you up.

Oh.

You know, sometimes you're awfully sweet-- for a husband.

Good afternoon, Mr. Evans.

Good afternoon, Ms. Reynolds.

Would you please wait in the library?

I'll tell Mr. Wurdeman you're here.

Thank you.

ARTHUR: Oh, hello, Dan.

DAN: Hi, Art.

Well, I didn't know I was going to see you here.

And neither did I. I'd rather be over at the track.

Hey, what's all this about, anyway?

The will, I imagine.

That's my guess.

Then what's it got to do with me?

It ain't like I'm a relation or a business associate.

Hey, maybe it's not the will.

Then what could it be?

Mr. Wurdeman will see you first, Mr. Evans.

Hello, Edward.

Come in, Arthur.

Sit down.

Thank you.

Sorry I kept you waiting so long.

Not at all.

It's been one of those days.

Funerals always upset my schedule.

You ought to hold those things in the evening.

[buzz]

Excuse me a minute.

Yes, Mary?

Well, I can't talk to Mrs. Wurdeman now.

MRS. WURDEMAN [ON PHONE]: Hello, Edward.

Hello, dear.

MRS. WURDEMAN [ON PHONE]: We're not going

dinner on such short notice.

Help yourself to a cigar, Arthur.

ARTHUR: I shouldn't. -Yes, dear.

I'm listening.

ARTHUR: Have to be careful, you know.

Makes you stop and think, doesn't it?

A man like Max, in the prime of life, passing on so suddenly.

Well, there's nothing sudden about it.

Max knew he was going to die.

Then it was his heart.

Yes, his heart.

I mean, yes, sweetheart.

You never thought it from the way he lived.

Why, the last time I saw Max--

Yes, dear.

I promise.

I'll stop at the supermarket on the way home.

There you are.

What's this?

Max left that for you.

ARTHUR: But I thought the will was to be read.

Isn't that why he-- -Tomorrow.

I'll let you know the time.

[MRS. WURDEMAN CHATTERS ON PHONE]

[music playing]

Yes, dear.

I hear you. I'll remember.

MRS. WURDEMAN [ON PHONE]: Goodbye, Edward.

Bye.

You know what's in this letter?

No.

As executor, I was simply instructed to hand it to you.

Not bad news, I hope.

Oh, no, no.

Nothing like that.

Just about the business.

Well, I'd better be getting off.

Working man, you know.

I'll call you about the will.

Yes, the will. Oh, yes.

Certainly.

Well, bye.

Bye, Arthur.

So long, fellas.

DAN: So long, Art.

KENNETH: So long.

Must be good news.

Kenneth.

Won't be too long, Dan.

OK.

Good afternoon, Ms. Reynolds.

Good afternoon, Mr. Evans.

MALE SPEAKER: Going down.

DAN [LAUGHING]: That Max.

What a guy.

Imagine him pulling a gag like this

even on the day of his funeral.

Gag?

Sure.

I got a nose for it.

I can smell a gag 10 miles away, and that's what this is.

And I'll tell you something else, Edward--

You already told me everything else.

OK, so I'm wasting your time.

Bill me.

I can afford even your fees.

You don't think it's funny, huh?

Well--

Ah, you didn't know Max the way I did.

I admire your sporting spirit.

Now you're talking, Edward.

A natural-born sport, that's me, and a great sense of humor.

That'll pull you through anything.

OK, I won't waste anymore of your valuable time.

I gotta see a man about a horse.

A bookie.

EDWARD: You forgot something.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I gotta show this to somebody.

EDWARD: Who?

My wife.

She'd get a great kick out of this.

My Lucille's got an even better sense of humor than me.

What's the matter, Kenny?

Bad news?

OK.

None of my business.

Wait a minute, Joe.

Read that.

Dear Kenneth, [mumbles].

Your wife and I-- [whistles].

What would you do if somebody said that about your wife?

My wife?

Impossible.

Why?

She ain't got the time.

You know what I'd do if I was you?

I'd beat the living bejeebers out of a guy like that.

Wish I could.

Well why can't you?

A big guy like you?

It's not that.

Well, suppose he's small, or suppose he's weaker.

He deserves it, don't he? -I can't.

Well now, why can't you?

Just answer me that. Why not?

He's dead.

Well, but look what he done to you.

Dead?

Well, in that case, there's only one thing you can do now.

What?

There was another party involved, wasn't there?

Oh, I don't beat women.

Oh, neither do I. Only when it's necessary.

[music playing]

Jane!

Good afternoon, Mr. Evans.

Isn't Mrs. Evans here?

No, sir.

Didn't you give her my message?

She didn't call.

You sure you don't know where she is?

She usually tells you, doesn't she?

-She didn't today. -Why not?

Suppose one of the children got sick.

What would you do?

I'd phone the doctor.

Haven't you any idea where she might be?

Well, usually Fridays--

Go on.

She went to the symphony concert with poor Mr. Max.

Why do you talk about him all the time?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Evans.

I know how badly you must feel about poor Mr. Ma--

Don't mention that name again!

ARTHUR: No, no.

It's not possible.

MAXWELL: Why are you so smug?

You have a very attractive wife.

It can't be.

MAXWELL: Are you afraid to remember?

Think about it.

Think back.

[memory harp]

Arthur, I have a feeling I've caught you bluffing.

ARTHUR: What makes you think so?

You know, you ought never to try to conceal your feelings.

You haven't got a poker face.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to raise you again.

[laughing]

ARTHUR: You might give us a look for our investment.

MAXWELL: Not on your life.

[phone ringing]

MAXWELL: Two things one mustn't be reckless about-- poker

and women.

ARTHUR: You ought to know.

You're lucky with both.

Well.

Deal me out of this, will you?

Hello?

Oh, hello, my dear.

DAN: Hey, Max, is she pretty?

Of course she's pretty.

What do you think?

Well, it's true, isn't it?

You had a nice day? Mm.

Well, tell me about it.

DAN: She's married. -Uh-huh.

EDWARD: Well, I'm warning you, you know.

A man giving himself an awful lot of--

Oh no.

KENNETH: Come on, Eddie.

DAN: Hey, Max, see if she's got a friend.

Tall and skinny with good legs.

[GIGGLING] Yes.

Yes.

DAN: She married?

EDWARD: She wants to live alone.

DAN: You got a phone number?

KENNETH: What do you think?

DAN: I'll toss you for it.

Don't risk your money.

He's bragging.

Sorry, darling.

What? Disturbing me?

No.

On the country, you're rescuing me from a bunch of [YELLING]

second-hand Romeos.

GUYS: Oh!

Hey!

DAN: The facts of life.

Now don't you be so smug, boys.

There's plenty I could teach you cut-rate Casanovas.

[laughing]

Did you hear that?

Hm?

Yes, yes.

Of course I will.

All right.

Thank you for calling, now.

Goodbye.

ARTHUR: Why do you suppose he's never gotten married?

DAN: The fact that he don't like dames.

MAXWELL: You're absolutely right, old boy.

I like women far too much ever to make wives of them.

ARTHUR: What's wrong with wives?

MAXWELL: Husbands.

[groan]

MAXWELL: Another drink?

KENNETH: Not for me.

I gotta go home.

DAN: Let's break it up.

MAXWELL: Oh, it's early yet.

KENNETH: It's after 2:00.

DAN: He's gotta punch a time clock when he goes home.

KENNETH: I wish I did.

Mary's on night duty.

EDWARD: Why didn't I marry a trained nurse?

KENNETH: You ever tried going home to an empty apartment?

DAN: At least you don't have to lie when you get in late.

MAXWELL: Gentlemen, I beg of you.

Marriage is a sacred institution.

ARTHUR: I agree with you.

Jane and I never found it necessary to lie to each other.

DAN: Hey, Art.

What do you do for fun?

EDWARD: I mean, did you ever tell her just one little lie?

DAN: He studied honor at Harvard.

MAXWELL: Sorry, Arthur, no nightcap for you.

Jane just said to remember your stomach.

ARTHUR: Oh, was that Jane?

Look, Max.

I want to talk to you before I leave about those new posters.

Oh, but aren't you going to ask me why your wife should ring

me up at this time of night?

To tell you the latest bright things of your godchildren

or that Mozart is being played on station KXXY.

You underestimate your wife's emotional quality.

Jane is a very sentimental woman.

Well, what did she want?

To remind you to take your pills.

[laughter]

MAXWELL: Truly.

That's Jane for you.

She's happiest when we were all tucked

in bed at 8:30 with hot milk.

Come off it, Arthur.

You love going to bed at 8:30 with hot milk.

You seem to forget that I'm in the office

every morning at 9:00. [phone ringing]

MAXWELL: Uh-oh.

DAN: I'll take odds on whose wife it is this time.

EDWARD: Tell her I left 20 minutes ago, will you?

ARTHUR: Wait, I'll ride down with you.

How'd you make out?

EDWARD: Pretty good.

Hello?

Uh, no, dear.

He hasn't been here all evening.

Well, I would know where he is.

Oh, he's probably with a woman.

That'll put her-- oh, Arthur, I really will try to come and see

you tomorrow in the office.

ARTHUR: You'd better, Max.

We're way behind schedule on that new design.

Well, if he's not home with you in 10 minutes time,

you ring me up and I'll come along and console you.

What do you say, hm?

All right, dear.

Good night.

I'm glad you reminded me, Arthur.

I've got just the artist for you.

Meet us at 5 o'clock tomorrow, Guglielmo's Bar.

ARTHUR: I'll be there.

GUYS: Good night, Max.

MAXWELL: And this is Matilda Clegg,

but she signs herself just Matilda.

Very chic nowadays in her profession.

Oh, Max.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Well, I never thought that Max's artist would be like you.

Well, that's very conventional.

Does an artist have to wear smocks and have untidy hair?

Oh, I'm not conventional.

It's just that you were such a pleasant surprise.

You're very polite.

He's the Sir Lancelot of the suburbs.

Oh, let's not pay any attention to him.

My dear, I wouldn't like you to misunderstand Arthur.

He's interested in you as an artist.

She's very good, too, in spite of her appearance.

Oh, I like her appearance.

She's-- she's-- she's very nice.

Very?

Ah, now don't you let yourself be taken in.

She likes to drink with her gloves

on because it makes her feel like an adventuress.

Isn't he wicked?

[awkward laughter]

Joking apart, though, she is clever.

And she does need the work.

I have a feeding she'd make a first-rate job

of those posters.

I'm sure she would.

Thank you.

Would you like me to leave now, or shall we

discuss the project?

We might do that over dinner.

I'll go and see what ole Guglielmo's got

in his refrigerator, shall I?

Well, um, tell me about your work.

Oh, there isn't much to tell, really.

Max thinks differently.

I'd love to show you my drawings.

I'd love to see them.

When?

Whenever you'd like.

The sooner, the better.

My studio's not far from here-- North Beach.

Well that's right on my way home.

Perhaps I could take you there.

Tonight?

Why not?

Excuse me, will you?

Oh, Arthur, I congratulate you.

You've succeeded in getting her to take

off one glove, which is further than she's ever gone with me.

Do you know that Guglielmo has found some small squab chickens

even tenderer than Matilda.

Let's get Jane to join us, shall we?

-Uh, well-- -I'll call her.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'll take care of it.

Excuse me.

I'm dying.

I'm just dying.

My dear, control yourself, will you?

The purpose of this meeting was purely professional.

He looks wistful.

Is he very unhappy?

Matilda, when you feel one of these sentimental, romantic

urges coming on, why don't you take

up an old bachelor like me?

I never take up.

Oh, sorry.

I'm very sincere.

That's why I don't fall in love with you, Max.

Frivolous men don't touch me.

Too bad.

Would you like to see a picture of my godchildren?

No.

Aren't they handsome?

You know, Jane's their mother, and she's also Arthur's wife.

They've been married for nine years,

and they have never told each other a lie.

Why do you carry another man's wife in your wallet, Max?

Oh, is Jane coming?

She's very sorry, but it's the maid's night out

and there's no one to stay with the children.

Aw, too bad.

Poor things.

That means you'll have to go back and keep her company,

won't it? Well, never mind.

Another time.

One more squab chicken for us, eh?

Oh, I'm so sorry, darling.

I neglected to tell you I have another date

Oh.

JANE: Good morning, dear.

I hate to do this to you, but it's later than you think.

Oh, no you don't.

[smack]

Ow!

I've already let you sleep the absolute limit.

Come on, now.

Up you go.

Hey!

Open up.

How many fingers, huh?

Six.

Oh, darling.

Bad hangover?

Late conference.

Ah, ah, ah.

Please, dear.

We've never lied to each other before.

Let's not start now.

There.

Max called me up and told me everything.

Well, I can see from your face you

have a very guilty conscience.

Come on, dear.

Take your pill.

You'll feel a lot better.

How much did you lose?

Well, for heaven's sake.

Excuse me.

You are in bad shape.

What's the matter with you, anyway?

Are you so in love with that game

you have to play poker two nights in succession?

[sighs] Not that I blame you, playing with Max.

He's such fun.

Is that, uh, all he told you?

-Oh, what else is there to tell? -Oh!

Nothing. [mumble]

Ohh, so you did lose.

I didn't lose at all.

As a matter of fact, I won.

Won!

And I'm going to take my best girl out on my winnings.

We'll have lunch at the Palace.

Lunch?

Oh, darling!

I think I may get to like this game.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I can't go.

Why not?

Today's Friday.

Friday?

Symphony.

Oh, yes.

That's right.

You know how Max loathes being late for the symphony.

So you're going with him, huh?

Uh-huh.

Do you mind?

Why should I?

You know Max's reputation.

He doesn't feel that way about you.

Doesn't he?

He values you for your intellect.

My, uh, intellect, hm?

[music playing]

[speaking french]

Just wonderful wasn't it?

Wonderful.

[sigh]

You'd certainly never see anything

like that in an American film.

Arthur?

The cheapest mascara.

Arthur!

Wha--

The French are so emotional.

Well, shall we go?

And miss the cartoon?

Aren't we getting home?

What are you worried about?

Arthur striding up and down, eating his heart out?

Well, he could surprise me.

It's called "Love in the Blood."

It's a French picture.

They talk French in it, but it tells

you underneath what it means.

Even if it didn't, you'd understand it all right.

And this guy is absolutely sensational.

He's a kind of romantic type, but with muscles, you know?

There's a scene in it that's so terrific.

He grabs this girl and he says, mon amour, je t'adore.

Je t'adore.

[fake french]

I tell you, I got chills.

The girl was good, too.

What did she say?

She said, oui, mon amour.

She'd had a lot of trouble in the picture.

I tell you, I've seen it three times already,

and every time I bawl like a baby.

You ought to see it, Jane.

You would love it.

You would really love it.

I know I would.

-You ought to take her sometime. -Oh, I will.

I-- I certainly will.

LUCILLE: Gee, I'd like to learn French.

I got an idea they don't translate

some of the best parts.

MAXWELL: That's absolutely right.

I could teach you French.

LUCILLE: Would you, Max?

MAXWELL: I'd be delighted, of course.

LUCILLE: Oh George, have you got any beer?

Yes, ma'am.

How do you like that?

They serve champagne.

My wife wants beer.

I happen to like beer.

So do I. Draw two, George, will you?

Yes, sir.

Oh, just a minute, please.

[wolf whistle]

MAXWELL: Come in, darling.

Dear Max.

Ah.

Dear Matilda.

How nice it all looks.

Well how nice of you to say so.

Now this, everybody, is Ms. Matilda Clegg, our young--

Mary seems to be enjoying herself.

Why shouldn't she, mother?

I didn't know she was so fond of music.

I could listen to a piano handle all night.

Too bad your husband doesn't play.

Oh.

But he can dance.

Do you mind if I steal her?

Uh, no.

I'll-- I'll finish the accompaniment.

Thanks.

And this is a great friend of mine, Jane Evans.

How do you do?

Her husband, I think, you know.

This is an unexpected pleasure.

JANE: I've heard so much about you.

About me?

My husband's simply mad about your work.

As a matter of fact, so am I. Your posters

are simply magnificent.

Thank you.

Haven't I seen you somewhere, Mrs. Evans?

A spot of caviar, don't you think?

You'll have to watch your step, my pretty.

I'm dying.

Well, I've heard you die so often I can't believe

it can be serious this time.

You think you're so subtle having

us both to your silly party.

I'm not going to be influenced, I assure you.

That's an imported dress.

It must have cost $200.

No wonder he's always worrying about money.

You don't seem to realize we're both sincere.

My dear, if you could just manage-- you see,

I'm not really very bright.

If you could manage to have your remarks follow each other in

some sort of logical sequence--

I know why you did it.

To show me the good wife whose life I'm destroying.

What about my life?

Your life?

Well, a minute ago you were dying.

Poor little Matilda.

Don't pity me.

It's glorious to love.

Glorious to love?

Haven't I heard that remark before somewhere?

In a French movie?

I think I hate you.

Oh, I'm sorry, because I like you very much.

You hate me.

If you liked me sincerely you'd have

some sympathy instead of treating

me like a home wrecker.

A home wrecker?

Well, anybody would think you had a guilty conscience.

I've always treated you like a naughty child,

which is exactly what you are.

I've done nothing to be ashamed of.

Can I help it if I'm in love?

Oh, I thought it was something serious.

Now, there is somebody that I would like you to meet.

He's a composer.

He's just back from Paris.

He's talented, and what's more, he's unattached.

He's that handsome young man at the piano.

That infant?

Really, I never thought you'd do anything so obvious, Max.

[chatter]

MAXWELL: Janie, do you think the moment

has come for our silly number?

JANE: Do you think they can stand it?

MAXWELL: Who cares about them?

We enjoy ourselves, don't we?

To the piano, everybody!

FEMALE SPEAKER: He can't sing a note, but he's a dear.

MAXWELL: I heard that.

Anything wrong?

Oh, darling, I'm in despair.

Please, Matilda.

Indiscretion will get us nowhere.

Where are we now?

Hiding in corners, sneaking down side streets,

as if I were ashamed of loving you.

And this-- this is the last straw.

[MUSIC - HERSCHEL BURKE GILBERT, "POOR CHAP"]

[SINGING] A husband brought two tickets home

to take his wife to "Tosca."

I found a note which told him a--

Quote?

I'm out with your friend Oscar.

Oscar!

Oscar?

Oscar.

Unquote.

MAXWELL AND JANE: Poor chap.

Poor chap.

This party-- I'm sure he just gave it to humiliate me.

Don't be absurd.

Max has a birthday every year.

He always throws a party.

Men can be so cruel and blind.

Why must you always exaggerate?

I'm only flesh and blood.

There's a limit to my endurance.

I can't go on like this any longer.

You've got to decide now.

Tonight.

Oh, darling, I don't care if we never go to Paris.

I don't have to live on the Left Bank.

I could live in an American suburb with you.

You've got to tell her.

You can't do a thing like that quickly.

There's too much involved.

Five months isn't quickly.

We've been married eight years.

I can't hurt her.

She's never hurt you, I suppose?

If you really knew her you wouldn't

ask ridiculous questions.

JANE [SINGING]: --charlatan!

Poor chap.

Poor chap.

Poor husbands are, eh, Max?

Just because she's your wife, she's

no holier than other women.

What are you implying?

Can't you see it with your own eyes?

They're old friends.

Ask where she was last Friday afternoon.

You're getting hysterical.

Please, you're hurting me.

You're angry with me now.

You hate me.

Oh, don't be a little fool.

I guess it doesn't matter how much you hurt me.

I want to make you happy.

Believe me, darling.

Both of you.

Then I'm afraid you'll have to face the true.

She goes to the symphony on Friday.

And after the symphony?

I assure you I'm not the least worried about it.

Why not?

Are you afraid to know?

Oh!

Don't be a little fool.

I'm tired of having to beat about the bush

while our love is sacrificed.

If you don't ask her, I will.

Matilda!

MAXWELL: Adjourn to the snack bar, everybody.

Come on.

Follow me.

Now that's a spread for you.

JANE: Max, absolutely nobody does this as beautifully

as you.

See, I don't need a wife, do I?

Beg your pardon.

I'm not crowding you, am I?

Not at all.

There's plenty of room.

A little white for Mrs. Evans, please.

Don't you just adore things in aspic?

If you mean does a jellied salad

offend me, definitely not.

Your face is so familiar.

I know I've seen it somewhere.

Excuse me.

Oh, hello, dear.

Do you mean to break up our marriage?

Hm?

I told him if he ever even looked at another lobster

it was grounds for divorce.

Don't you remember what happened last Fri--

MATILDA: Last Friday--

ARTHUR: I think I will have some lobster after all.

I'm sure it was just my imagination last time.

My dear, may I give you some advice?

If you ever marry, pick a man with a strong stomach.

A great love overlooks trifles.

Well, if you'd lived with it for eight years,

you'd hardly call Arthur's stomach a trifle.

Couldn't we talk about something else?

We could talk about the three days you spent in the hospital.

Let him go to the hospital again and we'll have as much

as we had last time, hm?

Oh, Max!

[awkward laughter]

[memory harp]

JANE: Wha-- hello, dear.

You're home already?

Oh, I got the tickets changed.

They were wonderful about it. I haven't been--

Stop chattering.

Arthur, what's wrong?

It isn't the children?

Doesn't your conscience tell you?

My checking account isn't overdrawn?

Don't look so innocent, you-- you Jezebel!

Arthur!

Well, come to any conclusions?

Yeah, give me another.

This ain't gonna do you any good, Ken.

It might make you feel a little better up to a point,

but conclusions? Uh-uh.

OK, OK.

I don't know what to believe.

I don't know.

MAXWELL: Yes, you do know.

You've always believed it.

After all, she was my nurse.

Do you remember?

Think back.

So then I found myself at last in the promised land, Columbus,

Ohio, among my American cousins.

I'd been expecting cowboys and Indians.

What did I find?

Your mother-in-law, only just as pretty then as you are now.

Well, not quite so pretty.

Oh, do tell us more.

Hello, Ken.

You're early, aren't you?

Yeah, we didn't expect you till 6:00.

If I'm interrupting a tender moment I can leave.

Oh, no, no no.

You must enjoy working overtime.

Will I have to pay her time-and-a-half?

You bet you do.

Oh, don't be silly.

I wouldn't stick around if I didn't love it so.

Doesn't Max look wonderful?

He's the healthiest-looking invalid I ever saw.

Shall I tell you something?

I've been putting the whole thing on so as

to keep this radiant creature near me.

Oh, Max.

Let me tell you something.

I believe it.

You ought to be grateful for my heart attacks.

If it hadn't been for your ailing cousin

you'd never had met her, wouldn't you?

And when you snatched her away from me,

I wasn't too pleased, either.

Were you jealous?

Maxwell, you're jealous.

Jealous?

You know perfectly well that when he first met you,

you and I were madly in love with each other.

Hey, you want me to get a heart attack, too?

Oh, just keep this up.

I love it.

I bet you do. You about ready?

Mhm. I'm all packed.

Now you're breaking my heart.

It's in pretty bad shape already.

I shall probably have a relapse.

Oh, how can I thank you enough?

The only way that you can thank me

is by taking care of yourself.

Now you remember your promise?

If at any time you feel even-- even slightly uncomfortable,

I want you to call me.

I don't care if it's day or night.

Oh, sure. 3:00 AM?

4:00? 5:00?

Call me, and I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Just like that.

Now you're making promises, and rash ones, too.

What happens the night when I'm feeling perfectly well, only

just a little bit bored, hm?

Oh, it'll be a pleasure.

Hey, break it up.

It's a date-- we'll be late.

We've got plenty of time.

Hey, what's that?

Isn't it beautiful?

Where'd you get it?

A grateful patient.

Surprise!

Surprise.

Oh!

That funny man's here again.

What have you got?

What did you bring me?

Tut tut. Payment in advance.

Ohh.

Oh, Ken.

An orchid.

Happy second anniversary.

Oh, I haven't had an orchid in years.

I'll wear it tonight.

Wait, wait.

That's not all I've got.

Oh, another present!

Madam, you have a doting and extravagant husband.

I thought we weren't going to spend any money on presents.

Well-- Huh?

What'd you get me?

Well, it's not a diamond wristwatch.

Oh, Ken.

Hey, mine's bigger than yours.

Well, mine's imported.

Mm.

Smell.

Mmm.

Yummy.

Awoo!

On your way!

Oh, yeah.

Our reservations at Louie's.

We're gonna stop at the Top of the Mark for cocktails.

And that's only a beginning.

Ken, do you know what I'm thinking?

What?

That will cost an awful lot of money.

Well, I thought you wanted to go out.

But we haven't spent an evening alone, just the two of us

for such a long time.

Holy cow.

I've been trying all day to figure

out how to sell you that idea.

I was afraid to mention it.

And I thought you wanted to go out.

Oh!

Oh, I've got a little chicken ready for the broiler.

And champagne on ice.

I'll build a fire.

Champagne?

Uh-huh.

Bruit la Fontaine, 1928.

Where'd you get that?

Max gave it to me.

Don't you remember?

Oh, yeah.

Let's drink the whole bottle by ourselves.

[jazz music playing]

Oh.

Did you talk to your mother today?

What do you think?

Did you tell her we were going out?

I told her we were going out.

Was she, uh, angry?

Well, if she was, she's too much of a lady to mention it.

We would be entitled to one evening

alone on our anniversary.

But if we stay home and don't ask her,

she'll be terribly upset.

[snap]

Hurry up!

Let's go!

We'll be late!

Coming!

[WHISPERING] I'll open the champagne.

[WHISPERING] All right.

[phone ringing]

Uh-oh.

Uh-uh.

[inaudible] disturb it.

I'll tell them I'm not taking any calls tonight.

I don't trust you.

Remember what happened last time old Mr.

White was a [inaudible]?

All right.

You answer it.

Tell him I'm out.

Because if they know definitely they can't get me,

they'll call another nurse. -Tell him yourself.

You're a big girl now.

You know how to say no.

Go on.

I want to see how much our anniversary means to you.

Hello?

Are we lucky?

I'll get the chicken ready.

-I'll open the champagne. -No!

You make yourself comfortable.

I'll take care of everything.

OK, I'll get shaved.

I thought we weren't going out.

We're not.

Hey, hey.

Phone Louis and cancel our reservation, will you?

All right.

Hello?

Yes, this is Mary.

Oh, hello.

No, not tonight.

It's our anniversary.

Oh, I'm-- I'm terribly sorry to hear that.

Well, I know, but-- but couldn't-- oh.

well, I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Ken, listen.

I won't be gone long.

If you just let me explain.

You've explained enough.

Now I know how much our anniversary means to you.

But-- but this is serious.

Spare me the details.

I've been hearing them for two years.

I know all the answers by now.

If you just let me explain--

Why bother?

Your patient's waiting.

Oh.

Who is it this time?

That old man, 94 years old, dying of double blood pressure

with a touch of fungus?

Bad case, huh?

No one else can save him-- only Mary.

Our Mary Whittaker always obeys the call of duty.

You've got it all wrong.

My patient's not an old man.

He's young and handsome.

Divorced three times.

A regular playboy.

Not sick at all.

He's crazy about registered nurses.

Always gives them gold things and emeralds

to the ones that he like best.

I've been waiting months for this call.

Maybe that's not all kidding.

What makes you think it is?

And cook that chicken whenever you want to because I probably

won't be back all night.

[bang]

Happy anniversary.

Hello, son.

Hello, mother.

Isn't Mary here?

No, she went out.

Emergency call.

On your anniversary?

Oh.

I thought you were going to have dinner in a restaurant.

Want me to fix something for you?

No, she'll be back in an hour.

You better let me fix you a little supper.

Remember the last emergency.

What was it this time?

I didn't ask.

Couldn't be too much of an emergency for only an hour.

Do you want a drink, mother?

I thought you were saving this for some special occasion?

Isn't this my anniversary?

Oh, perhaps I will have a little sip with you, son,

to cheer you up.

Here's to you, son.

May the later years of your marriage be happier.

We're doing all right now, mother.

Did Max call again?

How do you know he called at all?

Just before you came in.

She didn't answer and he called me.

Seemed very anxious to get hold of her.

Why didn't you tell her?

You know Max.

He usually gets what he wants.

Is he ill again?

I can't take Max's heart attacks too seriously.

He always seems to recover so quickly.

Oh, mother.

You know he's got a bad heart.

Can't I have my opinions?

She's with old Mr. White.

He's 75.

He's got high blood pressure.

I thought you didn't know what the emergency was about.

Then there's nothing for you to worry about.

Who said I was worried?

Don't shout at me, son.

I'm not deaf.

She's not with Max, mother.

I know she isn't.

Whoever said she was?

You're not in a very good mood, are you?

I think I'll go up and eat my little dinner.

Good night, dear.

Good night, mother.

[music playing]

On a clear day you can see Alcatraz.

I know.

You're just out for a breath of fresh air.

Is there any law against it?

Oh, no, no.

Go right ahead.

Well, if you see anything suspicious, let us know.

[buzz]

What do you think he's up to?

I don't know.

Let's just mosey along and then come back.

GEORGE: Good night, Mr. Bard.

Good night, Ge-- George.

Yes, sir?

Bring me a quart of champagne and two glasses, will you?

-Two glasses, sir? -Shh.

Yes.

If you're expecting somebody, I can take another night off.

No, it's all right, George.

You get the glasses.

Leave your hat and coat here, will you?

Yes, sir.

Darling, the champagne's just coming up, dearest.

That's right, George.

Put the two glasses down there, will you?

And George!

take the night off.

Yes, sir.

And don't hurry back in the morning.

Yes, sir.

[WHISPERING] George, remember I spent the evening alone.

Darling!

Will you come down for the champagne

or shall I bring it up to you?

Hm?

What did you say?

Let's go.

MAXWELL: Darling, I think you'll love this champagne.

It's Bruit la Fontaine, 1928.

I only give it to my favorites.

[buzzer]

Oh, must be those hoodlums again.

Sorry, dear.

I don't want to alarm you, sir, but

there's a burglar in the house.

A burglar in the house?

We saw him enter from your terrace.

Better let me go ahead.

Be careful, officer.

He might be dangerous.

Wherever you are, come out.

We've got you covered.

KENNETH: I want this house searched!

OFFICER: What?

Stay where you are.

MAXWELL: Keep him covered, officer.

He looks a desperate character to me.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going to look around upstairs.

Don't you like it down here?

-He can explain everything. -Me?

A judge would rather hear it from you.

Come on. -Let's be fair, officer.

I'd like to hear what he's got to say for himself.

But we caught him red-handed-- illegal entry.

I was only looking.

Oh, a peeping Tom, huh?

[whistle]

He could get 10 years for that alone, couldn't he, officer?

At least. Don't let him kid you.

He's my cousin.

I've never set eyes on the fellow before in my life.

Why, you--

OFFICER: McCarthy!

Surround him! -Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Where to?

The gas chamber?

Someone's gone bail for you.

How nice.

Ken.

Oh, it was you.

Thanks for nothing.

Don't thank me.

OFFICER: Hey, you can't go back again.

MARY: Ken, please don't make a worse fool of yourself.

Come on.

Excuse me, sir.

Haven't you forgotten something?

Thank you.

If it had been up to me I'd have kept you in there

for three of four years.

I didn't ask you to bail me out.

No, but she did.

Some joke.

Suppose it gave you both a big laugh.

Ken, please.

The next time you visit me, Kenneth,

come in by the front door.

It looks better to the police.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Never mind me, suppose you start explaining,

and it better be good.

I'm not going to tell you anything.

Where did you go tonight?

I started to tell you once and you wouldn't listen.

Now I'm never going to tell you.

Either you trust me or we're quitting right now.

Which, Ken?

Come on home.

[memory harp]

Joe.

What you gonna do?

I'm going to take your advice.

There's a time when a man's gotta be a man.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Hello, son.

Hi, honey.

What happened down at Wurdeman's office?

Was it the will?

Mother, would you mind leaving us alone for a few minutes?

Mary and I have something to talk about.

Couldn't it wait, honey? I've got to hurry.

It's old Mr. White.

He asked for me.

You're not going anywhere.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Now, son!

-You stay out of this. -What's the matter, darlin--

Shut up.

I once asked you to explain something.

You refused.

Well, now I know.

We better talk about it when I get back.

You go out that door, you're not coming back.

Make up your mind.

I'll send for I things tomorrow.

You're not alone, son.

You still have mother.

Hi.

[mumbling]

What's eating you?

I got $20 on Audacious King.

Max told me to watch that nag, rest his soul.

Where you going to get your tips now Max is gone?

Ohh, am I gonna miss that guy.

Look at you.

Look at-- some show for the neighbors.

What's wrong?

I'm just getting a little suntan.

Can't you wear a sunsuit?

You've got plenty of dough to spend,

charge accounts in all the stores.

I got three sunsuits.

I'm just too lazy to put one on.

Mmm. Dames.

Just give me the sheet.

No.

If I had on a sunsuit, you'd tell me I was getting

fat again, so why bother?

Remember what you looked like last year?

Have a piece.

It'll sweeten your disposition.

OK.

Get fat.

See if I care.

You care all right.

You'd like a streamline model to brag about.

I don't know what's got into you lately.

You used to have such a sense of humor.

Which do you want, McCabe, a sense

of humor or a glamor girl?

I happen to like candy.

Yeah, and I like beer, and sodas, and mashed potatoes.

We worked hard for our dough.

What's the good of it if you can't enjoy life?

I can enjoy life without going in training

for the fat lady in a sideshow.

You're awful crabby today.

What did you have for lunch?

I'm crabby?

How about you?

I come home and I hand you a laugh--

something Wurdeman gave me.

What do I get from you?

A caramel.

Well, what was the big laugh?

That Dick Tracy.

All right, so don't tell me.

[laughing]

You really want to know what Wurdeman gave me?

I don't care if he gave you a black eye.

Uhh, you're the one who got the black eye.

From Wurdeman?

He's not the type that would make cracks about a lady.

A gentleman, huh?

Like your friend Max?

You should be such a gentleman, McCabe.

No gentleman would pull a gag like this.

Don't speak ill of the dead on the day of the funeral.

What's the gag?

What's so funny?

Most husbands would be sore if someone

said this about their wives.

Sure.

I would, too, if I believed it.

You're awful sure it's a gag.

I got a nose for it.

I can smell a gag 10 miles away.

You might be surprised, McCabe.

You mean you and Max?

You got to be kidding me.

Oh, I didn't have class enough, huh?

I'm not saying anything against you, but I'm a man.

I know what men go for.

Eskimos go for blubber.

He was no Eskimo.

Glass of beer or a romance.

Max would have only the best.

That's why he picked you for a friend, I suppose.

Well, didn't he?

From the very first moment we met we were just like that.

Sure, at the stables.

Oh, you were all right for a judge

of horse flesh or a few laughs.

How do you like-- how do you like that?

I was over at his place all the time!

For poker games.

But did he ever ask you to dinner?

Or come to see us?

Or invite you to his parties till he met me?

I'm not a woman.

I don't remember things like that.

Well, jog your memory.

You remember, all right.

Me and Max.

MAXWELL: You remember.

Think back.

[announcement trumpet]

ANNOUNCER: At the race, it's Glamour Boy by 3/4 of a length.

[inaudible].

Glamour Boy!

Come on, Glamour Boy!

Come on!

Yay!

Look at him!

He's a mile out in front!

Come on, boy!

Keep going!

I got $50 on Glamour Boy.

Come on, boy!

Show them your tail!

Shut up and sit down, will you?

When you're in the box, you ought to act like it.

Listen, for my $50, I got a right to yell.

Come on!

Keep going!

Most of these people have a 50 times 50 bet on a horse.

See them jumping up and yelling?

ANNOUNCER: And now they're heading for home.

It's still Lou by a length now.

He's riding.

He's riding.

Skip to the Lou [inaudible] Glamour Boy.

Skip to the Lou is on the way.

It's Skip to the Lou by a length and a half.

Glamour Boy.

Jonathan Rim, president of Amalgamated Associated,

is looking at you.

What am I supposed to do, drop dead because Associated

Amalgamated looks at me?

Amalgamated Associated.

You see, Amalgamated Industry's associated with Amalga-- no.

Associated Amal-- he's one of our best customers.

Smile, for Pete's sake.

I'll bet you $50 those two zombies are after some dough.

Don't point.

With you, it's always dough.

He does a lot of charity work.

Probably members of the committee.

You could join one of them.

Not me.

My mother was scared by a committee.

Max Bard's here.

Put it back on-- your hat.

I can't see with it on.

For $80 it don't make no difference whether you can see

or not. What will people think?

They come to see the horses, not look at me.

What are you gonna bet on, Thunder Forth or Be Yourself?

That must be Evans' wife.

The long-legged type.

Some class.

Too thin.

Put it back on.

He's looking at you.

What did he ever do that's so special, besides taking

your money at poker?

For one thing, he owns Glamour Boy.

Glamour Boy?

If that's high society, excuse me.

Where you going?

Get a hot dog.

If you're hungry, why don't you go to the club house,

get a club sandwich?

I feel like a hot dog.

Where do you think you are, Seal Beach?

What, is it so bad there?

You get me crazy sometimes.

We work hard all our lives.

We finally meet some classy people.

What do you do? Eat hot dogs.

Listen, McCabe.

I started out in life selling popcorn.

And if my luck don't improve today,

it looks like I'll wind up that way, too.

Uh oh.

Associated Amalgamated is calling you.

LUCILLE: One dog without, one Coke here!

I'm telling you, lady, it's Thunder Forth.

Look at the odds.

I looked.

It's not my place to pass an opinion, madam,

but I've worked the whole thing out mathematically

and the odds are right.

I don't know.

That Thunder Forth just don't appeal to me.

You've got a better choice?

I got a feeling about Be Yourself.

A sticky feeling?

Like he was close to the glue factory?

That's Be Yourself.

Take my word for it, madam.

Be Yourself is a fool's gamble.

Mathematics never fail.

Yeah?

How many races did you win?

Cleaned up $432 this season on paper.

I'm telling you.

Only the schnooks are putting their dough on Be Yourself.

He ain't got a glimmer.

Forgive me for butting in, sir, but you know

that's only one man's opinion.

Your dog, madam, without.

-Thanks. -OK, Jack.

You want to join the schnooks?

The schnooks?

Well, it sounds an admirable organization to me,

but I'm afraid I only join clubs when

they become wildly unpopular.

I'm sorry.

My money's on Be Yourself.

Don't take any tips from him.

He owns Glamour Boy.

I bought Glamour Boy on the advice of one

of the greatest horse racing experts in this country.

Which one?

Your old man.

Oh-ho-ho.

Ask him his advice about women sometime.

He's an expert on that, too.

So I noticed.

I don't blame him for keeping this filly a secret, do you?

Say, I think I'm gonna like you.

Same here.

Be Yourself, huh?

Always.

It's going to cost you money, lady.

I'm warning you.

So you're Max Bard.

And you're Lucille McCabe.

BOTH: How do you do?

Don't look now, but I think we're being followed.

Just protecting the lady's interest, bud.

You've got exactly 45 seconds left to get your money down

on the right horse.

And we can place it for you.

Thank you for reminding me.

I'll put five on the nose for you.

Why bother with the machines, Jack?

I'm mechanically-minded.

That pony ain't gonna put any jets down for you, lady.

That's his racket.

Why don't you give him the brush?

We happen to know the bona fide owner of Glamour Boy.

Yeah, and it ain't him.

Now, if you want to listen to what--

Oh, there you are.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Just a minute, Jack.

This lady and I was talking.

You happen to know this lady?

Yeah.

Do you?

Slightly.

She's my wife.

Oh.

Blow.

The odds are that he will be surprised.

Club house ain't good enough for you, huh?

I leave you alone for a minute, what do you do?

Associate with flotsam and jetsam.

How did you know their names?

How did I--

Those two gentlemen happen to be friends of mine.

So I see.

The kind of characters you'd expect in an environment

like-- hey, Max! -Dan.

What are you doing here?

Hey, I want you to meet my wife.

I always wanted to get you two together.

ANNOUNCER: And the winner is Be Yourself.

Be Yourself!

We did it!

Yahoo!

I see two have met.

Yes, we ran into each other at the hot dog counter.

Would you like a bite?

No.

I-- I gotta be going so-- your hat's on backwards.

Oh, don't change it.

It couldn't look nicer than it does now.

Think you.

I got bad news for you, Lucille.

I can't drive you home.

What's bad news about that, the way you drive?

What happened?

Associated Amalgamated needs a free ride?

One of my associates, Jonathan Rim,

on the way over to Oakland-- he wants to talk over a deal.

Yes, Jonathan Rim.

We all know him.

Why don't you let me take you home?

I drive even worse than your husband.

You couldn't, but you've got a deal.

You don't have to bother.

She can take a cab.

She's found her way home before.

Are you, by any chance, free for dinner?

I certainly am.

Good.

See you later.

Oh, no.

No.

Your wife, huh?

I suppose you own two horses.

Hey.

[singing "pop goes the weasel"]

Did I wake you, honey?

A fine time for a decent woman to be getting in.

I thought you'd been killed or something.

I wasn't killed.

Where have you been?

Having fun.

Fun, huh?

That Max, he's great.

He is so funny, that guy.

You wanna know what he told me?

Yeah, what?

Come on to bed.

I'm tired.

You don't wanna hear my story.

We used to have so much fun together, you and me.

Remember?

What's the idea, getting me all worried, huh?

Were you worried, kid?

Were you worried?

[dog barking]

Isn't he cute?

Max bought him for me.

Says he looks just like you.

Hurry up, will you?

LUCILLE: Don't wait for me.

Why not?

Oh, that's how you're wasting your time, huh?

You used to yell at me because I dressed so fast.

Now I waste time.

How do you like the outfits? -They're OK.

Come on.

I hope it's classy enough for you.

Max picked it out.

What are you putting that stuff on for?

You like it?

I suppose Max picked that out, too.

His favorite.

Some taste he's got.

Come on.

Where we're going, nobody will smell you.

-Why not? -It's obvious.

Where do you think I'm going?

To the stable.

Biddy's waiting to be fed.

Go on.

Feed her, then.

You mean you're not coming?

Not today.

I got something more important.

More important than your own horse?

Forget it.

You're coming with me.

I can't possibly.

What is it's so important?

I got a committee meeting.

I never thought I'd live to see the day

when you'd ditch your own horse for a bunch of female zombies.

You ain't putting on the perfume for them.

You want your wife to go out with society

people smelling of stables?

Well, why don't you get going?

You were in such a hurry.

I'll take you wherever you're going.

You needn't bother.

I'm getting picked up.

By who?

By whom.

By whom?

The chairman of the committee.

What are you waiting for?

I thought your poor horse was starving.

What's worrying you?

The zombies might see you with the lower classes?

Don't answer that.

Here comes the chairman.

Must be two other zombies.

Hi, Max.

MAXWELL: Taxi man.

I thought you'd never get here.

MAXWELL: Oh, darling, am I late?

I'm so sorry.

Hello, Dan.

I wasn't expecting to see you.

I thought you were going to a committee meeting?

Well she is.

I'm the chairman.

Did you tell him?

What don't I know?

It's going to be one of those long meetings, too.

You know what it is-- passing resolutions, seconding motions,

votes of thanks, yak, yak, yak.

And I'm afraid that this ravishing creature-- she may

not be home for dinner tonight.

Hope you don't mind.

Oh, no.

That won't bother him.

He'd rather be with his horse.

Sure.

With his horse?

Ah, well chacun et son gout.

What?

French.

Every man to his taste.

Shut the door, old thing, will you?

Well.

Merci, mon petit.

[MISPRONOUNCING] Au riv-war.

MAXWELL [HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT]: Au ruh-vwah.

LUCILLE: Merci.

French.

MAXWELL: [speaking french]

LUCILLE: It will rain tomorrow.

My uncle and I cannot go to the races.

MAXWELL: Right.

[speaking french]

LUCILLE: Gratte-ciel-- oh, the skyscraper has 36 stories.

MAXWELL: Right.

[speaking french]

LUCILLE: My husband's sleeping.

He's had too much beer.

MAXWELL: Right.

100% perfect. LUCILLE: Hear that, McCabe?

I talk French.

OK, only be careful what you say around the kids.

What's that--

LUCILLE: [sigh] Who cares?

Je suis en Francais.

MAXWELL: Perfect.

Get that, McCabe?

Je suis en Francais.

Get your Swiss cheese. Leave me alone.

MAXWELL: I'm now going to demonstrate a very

famous continental custom.

Very elegant.

Watch me.

[blowing]

One continental custom coming up.

[blowing]

Oh, wrong continent.

Hey!

What's going on?

Oh, look Dan.

What?

The Oakland ferry.

So what?

Well, don't you remember?

Yeah, I remember.

May 10, 1938.

What happened then?

We spent our honeymoon on that, riding back and forth

on the poor man's Atlantic.

Why don't you go through a few more people, huh?

Get a megaphone. Broadcast on the radio.

We were all young once, Dan.

Oh, was this one ever young.

Full of beans.

He was always gonna take me traveling

to Europe and places--

You ain't done so bad.

Yeah, but I always wanted to see the world.

The world got to California. Come on.

Let's go home.

MAXWELL: No, I'm going to get you another beer.

Sit down. DAN: No, I don't want anymore.

Go get it. I'll bring it if he doesn't.

Do we always have to hang around

here until the rooster crows?

We got a home.

Oh, don't be a big cow.

OK.

I'm a big cow.

But after 3:00 AM, I can't give milk.

I'm tired!

That's what you always say just when I'm having fun.

I get up early and I work for a living.

So do a billion other people.

They don't complain.

They do, but you don't hear them.

You're too busy running around in committees, learning French,

buying new dresses.

I thought that was the kind of wife you wanted, McCabe.

Oh, you're just in time.

I was getting thirsty from arguing with him.

Danny boy, there's one rule in this house.

No arguing.

One beer coming up.

DAN: I ain't thirsty.

[guilting]

DAN: OK.

I'm a sport.

Here's to you, Max.

LUCILLE: Let's have fun, Max.

MAXWELL: Here's to us.

To fun, frolic, and jollity.

Mm.

Honestly, we've had more darned fun this last year,

haven't we, Dan?

Thanks to a certain--

MAXWELL: Do you remember that I cooked the goose?

Seal meat.

And we almost got poisoned.

LUCILLE: I'll never forgive him that.

DAN: Remember the Italian restaurant that you--

LUCILLE: Yeah, but how about the rubberneck bus?

The tourists?

DAN: I gotta thank you, pal.

You've been a real pal, pal.

MAXWELL: I've got to thank you.

DAN: I gotta thank you for teaching

my wife how to talk French.

MAXWELL: I gotta thank you--

DAN: No, I gotta thank you for teaching

my wife how to act like a lady.

MAXWELL: I gotta thank you for being the biggest

sport that ever drew breath.

Yes he is, isn't he?

Oh, Max, honestly, you've been so--

DAN [SINGING]: For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow--

[crying]

LUCILLE: What's the matter, honey?

He's crying. MAXWELL: Aw.

LUCILLE: Don't cry, honey.

MAXWELL: Poor chap.

LUCILLE: Poor chap.

[SINGING] Poor chap, poor chap.

He just couldn't understand.

Her husband loved his little wife.

She ran off with a draper.

She didn't know how far she'd go

till she read it in the paper.

Do your step, Max, huh?

Poor chap, poor chap.

He just couldn't understand.

He was left with the paper, the mean, wicked paper.

He was left with the paper in his hand.

Woo!

He was left with the paper in his hand!

[memory harp]

Paper in his hand.

Sucker.

You remember, all right.

Well, ain't that great?

My wife, after all I'd done for you?

What were you when I met you?

Selling popcorn for a living.

And I didn't quit when we were married.

Remember, Dan? -You didn't have a cent.

Now look at you.

Real diamonds.

French perfume.

$80 hats.

What do you do with them?

Carry dogs in them.

And do you thank me for it?

Do you?

I'd thank you to quit yelling.

So I'm to be a sucker and not say anything about it, huh?

Rise above it.

Be a nice fella, Dan.

Have you heard what they're saying about Dan McCabe?

A letter like this.

Most wives would take a thing like this seriously.

So would most husbands.

I do.

I do.

What do you think?

LUCILLE: [speaking french] Please.

The neighbors.

Shut up, you.

I'm still the man in this house, and you'll be the wife the way

I see it, or else you'll get out.

Do I hear correctly?

You sure do.

There are some things no man will stand for.

Not if he's a man.

Some things no woman will stand for, either.

Maybe you forget this is my home, too.

It is, huh?

Yeah, and I'll fight for it to the last toothpick.

OK.

So it's a fight.

You'll see.

Luck will pay for his hand, huh?

Not Dan McCabe.

Hey, where you going, stupid?

To see a smart lawyer.

You can say now.

Good morning.

I'm Mrs. Evans.

I received a telegram.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Evans.

Isn't Mr. Evans with you?

He'll be along later, I hope.

The telegram specifically asked for both of you.

Mr. Wurdeman will be upset.

Aren't we all?

Jane.

Good morning, Mary.

MARY: What are you--

MS. REYNOLDS: Mrs. Whittaker?

Yes?

MS. REYNOLDS: I'm glad we finally reached you.

We couldn't get you at home.

I wasn't there.

MS. REYNOLDS: Is your husband coming?

Did you tell his mother?

MS. REYNOLDS: Oh, yes.

He's coming.

LUCILLE: Well, good morning, all.

MARY: Lucille.

MS. REYNOLDS: Good morning, Mrs. McCabe.

Morning.

Where's Mr. McCabe?

I thought you might know.

I don't.

Well, at least you ladies are here on time.

Mr. Wurdeman's promptness is one of his standards.

He'll be a few minutes late.

Will you step this way, please?

A committee meeting, huh?

I wonder what's cooking.

I don't know, but apparently our husbands are expected, too.

Oh, now no kidding, Lucille.

Don't you know where Dan is?

I thought I was sent for to talk over the case

of McCabe versus McCabe.

JANE: What?

MARY: A divorce?

You, too?

JANE: Both of you?

So suddenly?

Last night, about 10 o'clock, that big ape calls the butler

and says to pack his things-- not just

his pajamas and toothbrush; all his things--

and bring them someplace.

Well didn't you ask the butler where?

I got pride, but I wish I'd had him followed.

Then this morning I get Wurdeman's wire

I should be here.

You having trouble, too?

I left him.

It just couldn't be a coincidence.

No, it certainly wasn't.

We've been in training for it a long time now.

No, no.

I mean all three of them.

Not Arthur, too?

Arthur, too.

At least you know where he is.

I certainly do-- snoring on the living room couch.

He didn't come in till 4:00 AM this morning.

After making the most incredible accusations,

he dashed out of the house and I--

I found him asleep on the couch this morning.

I left the telegram on his chest like a lily.

Gee, I wonder what's got into them all.

I don't know what's eating your boys, but Dan got a letter.

A letter?

Wurdeman gave it to him.

MARY: Kenneth saw Wurdeman yesterday--

JANE: But Arthur was here the--

MARY: --too.

Do you know what was in the letter?

Oh, nothing much.

Your boys couldn't have got the same news.

It was about me an Max.

Max and you?

You and Max?

In love?

Yeah.

What's so impossible about that?

JANE: Oh, Lucille.

You and my husband both.

That's what Arthur was so upset about.

LUCILLE: Arthur suspected you?

[laughs]

And why not?

LUCILLE: The symphony concert.

Well, of course you would feel that way about it,

but afterwards--

LUCILLE: You had tea together, I suppose.

JANE: We had tea together.

I-- we certainly did, but at his house.

It was always his man's day off.

You're both bragging.

How would you know?

LUCILLE: Yeah, a kid like you.

Well, I took care of him through four heart attacks.

I was with him day and, uh, night.

When a man's as sick as that, he's not interested in women.

He always kept me on through convalescence.

That Max.

Good morning.

Good morning, girls.

GIRLS: Hi, Edward.

I'm sorry to be late, but I was delayed in conference.

A, uh, divorce case.

I believe the others are here.

Won't you come into the library?

EDWARD: And the bequests for the aforementioned organizations

and institutions, to be distributed

in the matter provided for in paragraph 12 of this last will

and testament.

I think you'll find that what follows will interest you more.

To Matilda Clegg, for the development

of her unique talents, tuition for two years

and living expenses, provided the beneficiary studies

and takes up residence in Paris, France.

And to my cousin, Jenny Bard Whittaker, our grandfather's

house and poverty in Columbus, Ohio, providing she

takes up immediate residence there.

The will contains only two more clauses.

I'll read the first clause first.

Naturally.

The remainder of my estate is to be divided equally

among my dearly beloved friends Jane Evans, Mary

Whittaker, and Lucille McCabe.

That man!

It's not right!

They were nothing to him.

We're the next of kin.

It's his will, mother.

Ooh, you ought to be angry.

You were cheated.

Columbus, Ohio.

If he thinks I intend to return--

we are going to fight this to the end, son.

Don't worry.

I won't take the money.

Don't be crazy, Mary.

Max meant you to have it.

I'm rich!

Me, McCabe.

Please, please.

Now, if you'll allow me, I'll continue.

In making these requests, I'm expressing my belief that women

are better wives if they are not dependent on the peccadilloes,

the weaknesses, the whims and pretensions of their husbands.

There are no provisions or restrictions attached

to these bequests, but legacies may

be used as the beneficiaries see fit, either to enhance

their marriages, or to make themselves

independent of financial restraint.

To my friends, Arthur Evans, Kenneth Whittaker, and Daniel

J. McCabe, I solemnly bequeath the good news

that the confidential letters delivered to them yesterday

were written for the express purpose of causing grief

and disturbance so that they reconsider the charms

and virtues of their respective wives

better to appreciate them, and the additional information of

said letters, being intentional fabrications,

are false, deceitful, and untrue.

That's all. Thank you.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Do you think it was all?

It's the most ridiculous will I've ever heard in my life.

It's not going to be the end, I assure you.

I assure you.

I wanna talk to you, Ed.

Oh, I'm sorry.

My wife's waiting for me.

I only wanna ask you one question.

That divorce complaint you talked about before.

Is it Dan McCabe?

No, your husband is not my client.

Then I am.

ARTHUR: Jane!

Oh, Arthur.

I'm so glad I caught you.

I must talk to you.

Couldn't we talk about this later?

What I am about to say will affect

the course of our entire lives.

Mary, I've gotta talk to you.

Oh, let me go.

You don't have to act like an heiress so soon.

I don't want the money.

Then at least you can listen to me.

Hey.

What's the idea of changing the lock on me?

I couldn't get in.

That your idea of a gag or something?

I didn't want you in my house.

-Your house, huh? -OK.

Get technical.

I suppose that's the advice of your lawyer.

I'm filing a counter-suit.

I'm the one that's got the grounds!

Not so loud, McCabe.

What will people think?

Let me tell you what I think.

So now I hope you'll understand why I've arrived

at this tragic decision.

I couldn't come between a man and his children and his wife.

No.

Time will heal our wounds, dear.

If that's the way you want it, Matilda.

We must face it bravely.

This is good bye.

Good bye, Matilda.

Arthur.

Jane.

Now that the economic barrier is removed, I feel it only fair

that you should have your freedom.

I'll see my lawyer in the morning.

If that's the way you want it, Jane.

There's just one thing I'd like cleared up before I go ahead.

You believed that letter of Max's, didn't you?

No, not for a minute.

Don't lie.

You called me a Jezebel.

Why?

All right, I did.

I believed it.

I was jealous.

You were?

Oh, thank you, darling.

That's wonderful.

Oh, darling.

you don't have to be jealous of any men-- before we met,

or since we're married, or-- or ever.

I have nothing further--

Didn't you tell me the letter was true?

You confessed it of your own free will, didn't you?

Well, didn't you?

You must be slipping, McCabe.

I thought you could spot a gag a mile off?

But it was a gag.

You and him made it up just to fool me, huh?

[speaking french]

-What's that? -French.

What's it mean?

You'll have to wait and ask Max.

Ahh--

If I were a lawyer I'd get rid of my clients

rather than keep my wife waiting.

Here, take these.

Yes, dear.

Wait a minute.

I want you to tell me something truthfully.

How well did you know Max?

Eighth floor.

[laughter]

[music playing]