Original subtitles

you

As in every stone of this size, there is a flaw. A flaw?

The slightest flaw, Your Excellency. If you look deep into the stone, you will

perceive the tiniest discoloration.

It resembles an animal.

An animal? A leaping panther.

Yes, a pink panther.

Come here, Dollar.

A gift for your father from his grateful people.

Someday it will be yours.

The most fabulous diamond in all the world.

Come closer.

Okay. Thanks a lot, fellas.

Don't forget to take the wardrobe back.

How do you want them? Matte or glossy? I want it right away. You can't ask a

genius.

Hi, Rush.

Now, don't forget about the wardrobe.

What are you doing?

There is everybody.

Hey, you, come out of there.

Come out of there or we'll bust the door in.

Can I help you?

Where is he? That's who?

You know who. George Litt. He owes me 40 grand and nobody welches on Big Joe.

Now, look, Big Joe. I'm not a bill collector. I'm a photographer just to

picture. What kind of a picture? Graduation picture.

His what?

Graduation.

Got him.

They're worth half a million and we'll settle for 300 ,000. I'll do what I can,

but a merchandise is extremely hot.

You stay here! Come with me!

Put on the dust.

She's going down. Come on.

We must find that woman.

What was that? What did you say?

We don't have much of a description.

About five foot seven.

Black hair.

Wearing a light beige coat.

The fool let that fence escape. He might have talked.

We will catch him. We must.

We must find that woman. She is our first positive link to the phantom.

Yes?

Send her in, please.

All right, Henri, that will be all.

Hello, my darling.

My angel.

Amber, how are you?

Hello, Duchess. So glad you could come. Hello, Julie.

Hello, how are you? Hello, darling.

You know where Monica...

Sure, she was simply studying your last film.

What did he say? He says, hello, and he would like you to meet his cousin.

His third cousin. Oh, well, I guess that does make a difference.

Who's that?

Princess Darla. Oh, oh, excuse me.

Miss Angela Dunning.

Yes?

I'll tell you what an honor this is.

Everyone's just dying to meet you.

Good morning, Your Highness.

Good morning.

You're a wonderful skier. Thank you.

Help!

Help!

Help! Somebody's taking my sleigh.

Amber. Amber?

My dog.

Leave this to me, ma 'am.

What happened?

Well, I don't know. Suddenly there was a man with a gun and he took the sleigh

and Amber.

You know who that was? No.

That was Sir Charles.

Sir Charles? Sir Charles Lytton. Really?

Yes. Oh, I am Inspector Clouseau. This is Madame Clouseau.

I'm sorry, my darling.

It's all right, my darling.

Excuse me, please.

You know that you're really amazing.

So you've said.

How you can manage on a police inspector's salary. I ask you, how many

could save enough out of the housekeeping to buy such a beautiful

this? Well, it's not easy.

You are a constant and desirable contradiction.

Oh, I'm simply a woman in love, my darling.

My darling.

I'm sorry, my darling.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, my darling. Please, excuse me.

No, it's perfectly all right.

Oh, how did I hurt you? Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine. You sure now? Yes,

am. My darling, I'm so sorry.

Darling, I have a little business to conclude with the manager. Yes?

After which I'll return to you immediately.

Hello. How did it go?

Perfectly.

Ma 'am?

My Highness, Princess Dallow is concerned about your injuries.

Oh, well, please thank the Princess and tell her that there's nothing to be

concerned about. It's very not too serious.

In that case, Her Highness has instructed me to invite you for dinner

evening. Eight o 'clock at her chalet.

Oh, thank you, Princess. I'd be delighted to come.

Inspector! Buongiorno.

Buongiorno. I understand you already know Signor Tucker from Lloyds of

Hello again. Hello, old bean.

Your company insures the Pink Panther? Yes, for a hundred million pounds.

Staring. The Phantom could not resist the surprise of the Pink Panther. He

most certainly make an attempt.

But when he does, I shall be waiting for him.

Excuse me. If I understand your theory, gentlemen, the Phantom is one of Miss

Dunning's guests.

That is the theory, yes. I would like to have from you the names of those

guests, also the location of their rooms. Of course.

I assume that the Princess Dalla has the jewel with her. She'd only tell me it

was in a safe place. I suppose if it isn't here, it's at a villa in Rome.

My men are watching that villa.

Oh, with such foresight and planning, how can the Phantom succeed?

With such foresight and planning, he's already succeeded for 20 years. It's a

great mistake to underestimate him, as the Inspector can tell you.

The shrewdest, cleverest, most ingenious criminal in all the world. And you have

never even seen him? Well, I've seen him once.

Five years ago, got a fleeting glimpse... Excuse me.

Got a fleeting glimpse of him as he made his getaway. In a strange way, you

know, one has to admire this man. He's, how would you say, a unique flair for

the dramatic.

He actually waved goodbye to me.

Fascinating.

By this time, gentlemen, I shall be waving goodbye to him on his way to

Thank you.

Make yourself comfortable. Her Highness will join you in a moment.

Can I give you a drink?

Oh, I'd like a brandy. Thank you.

Your Highness.

Good evening, Sir Charles. Any news from the police about your dear little dog?

They expect I'll receive a ransom note.

I want you to know that I am deeply grateful for what you tried to do.

Ma 'am, it was nothing.

Nothing.

Thank you.

Please sit down.

Aren't you drinking? I don't drink.

Whatever.

I'm quite content with reality.

I have no need for escape.

Well, I enjoy reality as much as the next man. It's just that in my case,

fortunately, reality includes a good stiff belt every now and then.

On the other hand, I don't smoke.

You're right.

It's a nasty habit.

Well, here's to all those nasty little habits that we hold so dear.

I beg your pardon?

Well, let's just say in this case it means your health and thank you for

inviting me to dinner.

It's not often I have a chance to dine alone with a beautiful princess.

I hate to disappoint you, Sir Charles.

But I'm afraid this isn't the night.

But I understood that... Oh, we're having dinner.

But not alone.

At last, hello!

We've been right, because that's why, you know what?

Oh, your Highness.

I think it's just too darling of you to invite me here tonight. You just made

Cortina for me.

Hello, Helen.

Oh, hello. Oh, dear boy.

Now, don't you move a muscle, darling.

Isn't he wonderful, Your Highness?

Such a magnificent sacrifice.

Good evening, sir.

May I have a cigarette, my darling? Yes, of course, madame.

They are my love.

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

I've got you on the rocks.

Oh, thank you.

My pleasure.

Thank you very much.

Say, I'm looking for my uncle, Sir Charles Littman.

Darling, may I get you some water?

Hold your hands over your head. Yes, my darling. And bend forward.

Darling, I'm sorry. Are you all right?

You all right, my darling?

What?

My darling?

I'll be okay.

Yes, darling.

in the throat, you know.

What do you think?

She turned out to be a man.

It's true. It's quite true.

You know, Your Highness, you really must let me give you a party. And I can

positively guarantee it'll be a party to end all parties.

I'm sure it will.

Perhaps Her Highness has other plans.

Oh, on the contrary.

Sounds like fun.

Will you include Sir Charles?

Oh, no.

Charles is having a fling in Capri. He has his own parties.

Yes. I've read about some of his parties.

They're wonderful.

We call him the juggler. I've never really known a man like him. He can keep

girls in the air at once and make each one happy.

Amazing. Sort of a contemporary Don Juan.

That's it.

Ah, there's a difference.

Sir Charles' predecessor was forced to climb balconies and fight duels.

And, as I understand it, to keep his women separate from the crime.

Now, Charles, on the other hand... Price Ferrari enters with a key and resorts

to collected money.

But they both have something in common.

And what's that, Your Highness?

Maybe it's best forgotten.

Oh, don't be silly. Charles doesn't mind. Everyone takes a pot shot at

sooner or later.

Go ahead, ma 'am. Shoot. Well, it seems to me any middle -aged bachelor who has

never desired the basic rewards of wife and family and finds it necessary to

occupy the major portion of his life, making one conquest after another.

He's trying to prove something that he can never possibly prove.

And what's that?

That he's a man.

What? Oh, you're joking.

It's somewhat complicated, but basically sound.

Well, Charles?

Not very original, that particular theory. It's become rather a tired

cliché. But true.

I wouldn't know. I'd never been on the couch.

Not true.

That's part of your problem.

How refreshing to find royalty possessed of such a perceptive myth. Well,

Charles, you going to take that lying down?

Yes, as a matter of fact. Ma 'am, my leg is hurting rather badly.

May I be excused?

Well, I'll be damned.

I can't believe it.

I haven't the faintest idea.

That just goes to prove there's a first time for everything.

I've got a terrific laugh anyway.

Simone!

Thank you.

I'm still cold.

Perhaps another blanket, my darling.

Yes, all right, darling.

Mm -hmm.

There you are.

There?

Yes, there. The light.

Mm -hmm.

Is he all right?

I'm sorry, my darling. It doesn't help.

Oh.

Perhaps a hot glass of milk.

But I think the room service has finished, my love.

Oh, yes, of course. I forgot.

You see?

You're all gone now.

Well, no matter.

Well, you see.

If my little pigeon wants a glass of milk, she shall have one.

Even if I have to force them to open the kitchen.

She shall have milk wherever she goes.

Autocall. Autocall.

Yeah, I know. That's what I said. Autocall.

Over there.

Charles? Darling, I've got to talk to you.

Darling, I've sent Jack for the neck only half a moment.

Well, let's make the most of it. Oh, stop it.

But it was your idea.

Yes, but you were the wrong man.

The wrong what, man?

You think I was the... No, no, I thought you were exactly who you are, but I'm

too impulsive. I mean, this is not the right way.

There's another time.

Beloved. Thank you.

It's all they had.

I can't get a thing in this hotel. I had to force them to give me that.

Never mind.

My darling, lovely darling.

Oh, what's wrong?

Oh, my darling, your feet are like two icicles.

Have you been out of bed or something?

No, of course not.

Well, anyway, you won them on me, eh?

Hello?

This is Princess Dala. My guests have gone and I thought perhaps you would...

Come back and have a drink.

I would feel better if we're friends.

Oh, I would too, and I'd love to come.

But my leg is rather painful.

I'm sorry, another time.

Why don't you come up here?

Because my leg is only bad if I walk too much, and I thought maybe you could do

the walking and I could do the drinking.

Unless, of course, you think it would be indiscreet to come to a man's room.

I'll be there in five minutes.

Oh, Jacques.

Yes, yes.

Oh, I don't know what's wrong. I'm just a bundle of nerves.

Don't worry. We've solved that problem before.

You don't mean... Of course. Oh, Jacques, I don't think you should.

Don't worry, my darling. I should do it ever so softly.

Oh, Jacques, are you sure?

My darling, of course. It's always worked before. There's no reason why it

should not work now.

Oh, you just relax and leave everything to me.

Yes, my darling? I really don't think it's such a good idea.

You mean that it's not helping?

I'm afraid not. I think I'll just take a sleeping pill.

Very well, my darling. I'll get it for you.

And why don't you take one yourself?

You need the rest, you know.

Yes, I think perhaps I will do.

Thank you, man.

My poor Jack.

No matter.

When you've seen one thread of eras, you've seen them all.

Ma 'am?

I hadn't realized it was so late.

Come in, sit down, relax, have a nice glass of champagne.

I told you I don't drink.

Oh, champagne's not drinking.

That's the minimum of alcohol and the maximum of companionship.

It's still against my principles.

Oh, that's too bad. I thought it might break the ice.

You know, you took me to task rather properly tonight.

No, thank you.

I thought your analysis was very perceptive.

But not very polite.

No, it wasn't.

What made you do it?

I resented you.

I find it hard to understand a man of your reputation.

You know, we both have reputations.

Perhaps mine is a little more highly publicized than yours, but you have

presented the dress with a rather definite image.

Yes, I know.

Well, are you?

What? What they call you.

The Virgin Queen.

I'm not a queen.

That's only half an answer.

The strong -willed ruler of ten million people, sitting in her ivory tower,

untouched, unwed, and unapproachable.

If you had known my father, you would understand me.

He was an absolute ruler.

He governed his people with an iron hand.

But he gave me a white pony for my fifth birthday.

He was wrong about many things, but he made his decisions according to the ways

of his predecessors.

I learned the way of the West.

So I've become a little of both.

A paradox.

And it's hard to reconcile the extremes.

Have a glass of champagne.

It does wonders for extremes.

It'd be known to launch some lasting friendships.

Don't you trust me?

No.

Are you afraid?

No.

But I am.

I was three years old when I rode my first elephant.

I was six when I went on my first safari.

Frasari.

Wild animal hunt.

And I was ten when I bagged my first tiger.

But I'll never forget my lovely little pony.

When did you bag him?

Oh,

you're making fun again.

You really don't like animals.

Don't trust a man who doesn't care about animals.

And don't trust an animal who doesn't care about people.

Why you don't like people?

I like people.

Oh.

That's supposed to be me who doesn't like people.

Right? If you say so.

I don't say so.

You say so.

Right? I said so.

And another thing you did.

You didn't tell me the truth.

About what?

About champagne.

About this.

Oh, boy, did you fib.

You said... something about extremes.

It does wonders for them.

It does more than that.

It makes your lips numb.

I can't feel them.

Are they still there?

Let's have a look.

You didn't tell me about that part.

Won't do you any good.

I can't feel it.

Hoisted? On your own?

Petard.

Don't try to say that when you haven't got any lips.

I'm plastered.

If that's the right expression.

Yes, that's the right expression.

You're a fraud and a liar.

And you think you are going to take advantage of me.

Oh, no. You think I am.

I know you are.

That's the plan, isn't it?

Finish champagne, break down the inhibitions, and tally -ho.

No more virgin cream.

Oh, we're all out of champagne.

Another bottle. Oh, no.

I prefer to remain conscious.

So I may view the attempted seduction at first hand.

Because you got a surprise coming, Charlie.

I got friends in all places.

You make one pass at me, and I'll sick him on you.

Understand?

If he moves a muscle, attack without mercy.

You see, Charlie?

You're outnumbered.

Two against one.

And I don't care if you can juggle.

What? I didn't say anything.

Dad got your tongue?

Got his tongue?

My friend says he hasn't got it.

Then why don't you say something?

I couldn't think of anything to say.

Why don't you kiss me again?

You know what, Charlie?

I could feel that one.

Again.

If I were my father, I'd have you tortured.

You know, if you were your father, I doubt very much I would have kissed you.

Good thinking, Charlie.

Then, now that we straighten out who I am, what are you going to do about it?

What kind of a friend are you?

You were supposed to attack.

No friends, Charlie.

Now you got me outnumbered. I thought we were friends.

You're the juggler.

I'm the virgin queen.

Somebody's got to win.

Friends don't act like that.

Want to be friends, Charlie?

Or want to win?

You really want to know?

What's wrong?

I don't feel... I think I'm going... Goodbye, Charlie.

Donna.

Hello, Uncle Charles.

George!

Hello. Good morning.

Listen, what about this nephew?

How did you find out? Well, I met him in the bar last night. That's what I was

trying to explain to you at the window. What happened to you?

Rag. He found me and brought me back to the hotel.

I looked everywhere for you. Well, I looked everywhere for you. In fact, I

nearly climbed in bed with her nephew.

You what?

Don't worry. I took care of it.

Phew.

Well, he had kind of a heavy night. I almost put the princess in bed with him.

Really?

What have you got there?

A note.

Uncle Charles.

Dear Uncle Charles, don't worry about a thing. I've gone to see the princess who

apologized for last night.

Apologized for what? Letting it happen?

It must have been rather embarrassing, expecting to wind up with one man. He

didn't expect to wind up with anybody.

He just had a cup of glasses of champagne and had to rest a while.

Of course.

Think of him taking over my room.

Didn't you know he was coming?

No, I haven't seen him for years.

But who is he? What is he?

He is my nephew, really.

He's my late brother's son.

And I've been responsible for him ever since he was ten years old.

I sent him to all the best schools in America.

He did very well, as a matter of fact.

He's just graduated from college. Look.

Isn't he a bit old for school?

Well, he did two years in the army.

Then he lost another whole year after that to some strange tropical disease.

Anyway, he's certainly attractive.

Well, it's a slight family resemblance, but apart from that, we have nothing in

common. He's dedicated to education, he passed out in front of his class, cares

nothing about sport, and in all the letters he's written, he's never once

mentioned girls.

Well, he may not mention them, but he's got a pretty good idea what they are. In

fact, I nearly didn't get out of here last night.

You're joking.

It was a relief to get back to Jack and his fiddle.

Still, if you don't do something pretty soon, he's going to ruin everything.

You mean if I don't do something?

It shouldn't be too difficult. He's just a young man who's not been out in the

world. That's because he's been spending all his time in the bedroom.

I'm surprised at you.

Oh, I can handle it.

As a matter of fact, it might be your mother intriguing.

Particularly for the family, resemblance goes deeper than you think.

I'm envious.

Well, it seems that we're somewhat in the same spot, my love.

You envy George and I envy the princess.

I really don't know what I'm going to do yet.

I might even go back to college and get my doctorate.

But I'm torn.

I feel there's so many things to be done in the world, so many backward

countries where I might be useful.

I've even been considering the Peace Corps.

You're certainly not much like your uncle.

Well, I don't know too much about my uncle, except what I read in the

and magazines.

But one certainly mustn't judge by that.

No? No.

After all, whatever I am today, he made it possible.

I guess everyone has at least one redeeming quality.

Yes.

Good morning, Your Highness.

Hair of the dog.

May I present Madame Clouseau.

Good morning. Madame, this is my highly Americanized nephew, George.

Yes, we met at the bar last night. Yes. How is your cough?

Oh, it's completely gone, thank you. Madame, you should have a glass of this.

It'll work wonders for you.

Put everything in his right perspective.

My perspective is excellent this morning.

I see your leg is much better.

Oh, it's a vast improvement, ma 'am, thank you. It's very much better.

You know, George and I had a wonderful family reunion last night after we

carried you home. He's quite a lad. So I've discovered.

You know, he's thinking of joining the Peace Corps.

Imagine, a Lytton in the Peace Corps.

He'll be very careful. He'll be giving the family a good name.

Please sit down. No, thank you. I was on my way to ski when I ran into Sir

Charles. Do you ski, Mr. Lytton? Ski?

No, not very well.

You should learn, George. But if it wasn't for this ropey leg of mine, I'd

you in hand myself.

I'm hardly in your uncle's class, but I'd be happy to give you the benefit of

experience. I'm sure Madame is an excellent teacher.

Certainly she'd get you started out right.

Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, yeah.

Not at all. It would be a pleasure.

Perhaps you'd like to come along now.

George, you can't pass up an invitation like that.

Uncle Charles, I haven't got the proper clothes and I don't have any skis. Well,

the shop will fix you up. Just charge everything to me.

Thanks. Your Highness, hope to see you again.

If you're back early. I'm leaving on the afternoon train.

Have a nice trip.

Thank you.

Thanks, Uncle Charles. Have fun.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Mind the instructor. She knows what she's doing. I'm sure she does.

We're off to the slopes. I'll get the door.

So long, Uncle Charles. Have fun.

Thanks.

Justin, darling.

Thank you. You sure you want to join me? Quite sure.

Do you really have to leave this afternoon?

Yes.

Isn't this departure rather sudden?

Not at all. Why do you think so?

Well, I just thought that after last night that... My leaving has nothing to

with last night.

Hasn't it?

You don't know me very well, Sir Charles.

No, but I thought last night I was making some progress.

That was champagne.

Nothing more.

Well, whatever it was, it was very interesting.

I really don't remember.

Oh, come on now. That's such an awful old cliché. I don't remember.

It's true.

You know, the majority of women, they have half a glass too much and let down

the barriers a little.

Then they wake up in the morning, riddled with guilt, and think they can

their virtue by saying, I don't remember.

Are you saying my virtue is not intact?

You know it is. Then why should I feel guilty?

You're not concerned about what happened.

You're worried about what might have happened.

That makes you vulnerable.

That makes you a woman.

You're an arrogant fool.

Perhaps I am. But after what I just said, a real woman would have slapped my

face.

That's over.

Friends again?

Friends. Good.

Now, the least you can do is let me take you to the station.

All right.

You really have to go, though. Yes, I must go.

Oh, that's too bad.

Nothing I can say to make a stay? Nothing.

What time do you have to be there? Three o 'clock. Three o 'clock. On the dot.

I'll be here.

Your Highness.

Three o 'clock.

We have to start the lessons right away.

That's what we're up here for, is it not?

I was hoping we could talk about last night.

We can talk about that later.

You were more fun in bed.

Will you do me a favor, Mr. Legend?

Sure, if you call me George.

Forget about last night.

I was in Petrus. I had too much to drink and I just had a fight with my husband.

That might make it easier for you to forget, but I didn't sleep a wink after

left. It was a very frustrating experience.

I'm afraid that's your problem, but I wouldn't make any plans.

Oh, I never make any plans. I just sort of follow my instincts, you know.

George, it's four miles down the mountain, and I'm a very good skier. You

your instincts too closely, and you're liable to break your neck.

Now, the first things to learn about skiing are the fundamentals.

Let's see you turn around.

It's not as easy as it looks. Let me give you a hand.

Ah. Now, George!

It's a lot easier, aren't it? I thought you were going to watch those instincts.

I'm busy. You watch them.

You abominable... Yeah, that's me. The abominable snowman.

Now, George, stop it!

Oh, no!

Perhaps we'll meet again.

Goodbye, Sir Charles.

Just a minute.

That's him. There he goes. Who?

The man who stole your dog in that little car.

Wait for me, sir. Let that be a lesson to you. Never get too involved with your

victims. Shall we get out in the open? No, it's a bit hard here. Come on.

That's good.

That's okay.

All right. Right, start.

Give it to me.

On my head.

I'm so sorry.

Now. Sorry. Ready? Right.

Come along, little doggie.

She's got the dog. I will see you later.

Domani chi lo sa quel che sarà.

Non mi direi di aspettare il domani che

verrà. C 'è una porta che tu chiudi fra me

e te.

E stasera ti decidi.

Thank you.

The girl don't mind

I have Amber back, and I'm having a wonderful time.

You missed your train?

There is one at midnight and one in the morning.

Perhaps I should arrange to have your dog kidnapped again.

Then you'd be better on the stand.

Did you arrange to have her kidnapped the first time?

Of course.

Well, I am willing to bet you 10 ,000 francs that the Phantom is in Cortina at

this very moment. Even perhaps in his very room. How exciting.

What do you think, Mr. Tucker?

Oh, I agree with the inspector.

You see, ten of his last 15 victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's

parties. What have you told him about it?

The notorious phantom.

I'm afraid I've never heard of him.

Well, little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.

Believe me, there are few thieves who are as clever as the phantom.

Its theft is completely different and unique.

Classic in its conception.

But I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.

Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned.

However, there is one other duplication, but that is his trademark, his calling

card, so to speak.

He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.

Sounds terribly theatrical.

You know, Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim

already.

Really? And who would that be?

Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?

I suppose I do.

Exactly, the Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound

to try for it. I'm afraid he'd be disappointed.

The Pink Panther is in my safe at... Your Highness, please, don't say it's

here.

If I'm not being too nosy, Your Highness, I read somewhere that there

dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther. It belongs to me. It was a gift

from my late father.

I shall never surrender it.

Why should you?

When the present government sees power, they claim the diamond was the property

of the people.

There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.

I tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or

it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance?

All right.

I feel like dancing.

Your eyes?

I'd love to.

How about you, madame? Yes, of course.

Your leg is better, sir Charles.

What? I say, your leg is better.

Oh, yes, much better. Thank you.

You know, Mr.

Tucker... It's my barrel, my hand.

I'm sorry.

Seems to be working out better than we expected.

The only thing we've found out is that it's not here.

Oh, you shouldn't have any trouble discovering exactly where it is. Her

seems to be completely captivated.

That's a considerable exaggeration.

You're either showing a touch of senility or you need glasses, my love.

When I'm showing my senility, darling, you'll be occupying your time with your

grandchildren. One has to have children before one has grandchildren.

You wouldn't dare.

Jack would make a wonderful father. He has many redeeming qualities, you know.

Name one.

He's kind, loyal, faithful, obedient.

You're either married to a Boy Scout or a Dachshund.

And he adores me.

That eliminates Boy Scouts.

Good night. Thank you.

Ah, you seem to have lost something.

Yes. I was trying to borrow mine.

Oh, thanks, Uncle Charles, yes.

Hello.

You've been avoiding me.

That's what describes it.

You know what I've been thinking? Yes, that's what I've been avoiding you.

I don't think you were really looking for me that night in my uncle's bedroom.

Don't be ridiculous.

No, I mean it. Not the way you treated me today.

You know what I think?

What?

Well... Oh, yeah.

What do you think, George?

Well, I think maybe I was wrong. Mm -hmm.

I'm sorry I have to leave, but I must make a very important phone call.

Can't it wait?

I'm afraid not.

Good night.

Oh, that's better.

It's a quick shot, my love, and I will be right with you.

Inspector Clouseau?

Inspector Clouseau?

This is the Prefect of Police.

I have information regarding the Phantom.

The Phantom?

Yes, you must come at once. I'm in Brunico.

Brunico? But that's in Brunico. I mean that's 30 miles from here.

I assume that I've discovered the information.

It's imperative that you come immediately. I cannot say more. I'm

Yes.

I understand, yes.

I'm sorry, my darling.

Important piece of business.

I will be back with you as soon as possible.

I understand, my love.

My darling.

Yeah.

I am a husband that must be envied by all other husbands.

I'm sure no one ever had a husband like you. My darling,

don't move, don't panic.

All that has happened is that my hat has caught in one of your naughty little

hair things.

At times like these, I wish I was but a simple peasant.

It's times like this that make me realize how lucky I really am.

He's got you, Brunico. Another call about the phantom.

Hmm. Well, there's something going on. I don't quite know what it is, but

there's something wrong.

Do you want to call it off?

I don't know. I'm considering it.

Have you considered something else? What's that?

The possibility that you're growing a conscience.

A conscience about what?

The princess.

You're being ridiculous.

Yeah, I'm just being a woman.

It doesn't sound like you've chosen yourself a fascinating victim.

I suspect you've broken the first rule and allowed yourself to become involved.

You're being a woman, all right.

That's obvious.

Competition always makes a woman happy.

Who is it?

Bellboy.

Wait a minute.

What is it?

trick -or -treat. Now, wait a minute. I found these growing in the hall.

Well, you get right out of here. Now, what kind of hospitality is that?

But, listen, my husband could be back in a minute. He must be about halfway to

Brunico by now. You must come to Brunico immediately, Inspector.

I have information regarding the phantom.

And while you're in Brunico waiting for the prefect of police, I shall be... I

shall be investigating your wife.

One never knows, huh?

Perhaps the Phantom is hiding under the bed. George, oh.

Well, that's more like it. Now, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, I'm planning on it. But suppose Jacques doesn't go to bed. Suppose he

out the Prefect never really goes. You're beautiful.

Now, stop this, George. You must get out of here. You are the damnedest woman

I've ever met. What are you, a sexual yo -yo? First you jump in my bed, then you

push me up a mountain, then you practically seduce me on the dance

look, George.

You're terribly attractive and unnaturally... But not here.

Where? Oh, and I don't know, but not tonight. You know what your trouble is?

just can't make up your mind.

Well, I am mad. Uh -huh, and where's your husband? Out in 12 feet of snow

chasing the fence. Well, that was your idea. Sure it was, but if he was any

of a man, he wouldn't have gone.

Darling.

Darling.

It's locked.

What are you waiting for me for, huh?

Angel.

What do I do?

Answer the door.

Simone? Yes, dear?

But, Jack, I thought you were on your way to... That phone call was a ruse.

Oh, dear.

Are you aware of my darling?

I don't recall that being there. No, it was sent a while ago. I thought it was

from you.

No, it's certain it was not from me.

Some very strange things going on here.

I passed the prefect on the road.

Never made that call. No?

No.

There was no card with this?

No.

Why should anybody want me to go to Brunico?

No! Oh, my darling.

I'm so sorry. I was trying to kiss your foot. Oh, it's all right, my dear. Let

me kiss your face. No, it's all right.

Darling. I'm sorry. I'm here.

Oh, it's all right.

Listen, dear, why don't we go down to the bar and have a nice cap, hmm?

My darling, listen.

Why don't I have a nice bath, and afterwards we have our lovely warm bath.

Don't worry about this mess. We can have it cleaned up later. We don't want any

more interruptions.

Oh, would you mind if I bathed first?

But did you not bathe earlier?

Yes, I did, but it would warm me up, help me to relax.

I tell you what we do, like we did in the old days. When you're in there, I

come and scrub your back for you. Oh, you're so romantic, but I don't need

moment.

Darling? Yes?

Hello, my darling. Hello, my darling.

Why did you draw the curtain?

Just to keep me warm.

Warm? Warm is one thing. There must be hell in there.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Why don't you let me wash your back for you? Oh, it's all right, darling, my

darling. As I told you before, I just want to relax.

We must have no secrets from one another, my darling. I know, my darling.

I'll brush my teeth and keep you company. Oh, that's sweet of you, my

Hello? Inspector, I thought you would like to know.

Princess Dana has just checked out.

Thank you very much.

Oh, darling.

Who is it? One minute.

Yes.

It'll only take a moment. I'll ring for the maid.

Darling, how would you like to wash my bath, yes? Oh, I'd love to, but you see,

I have to. I mean, I have to. Well, I'm cold.

Get the room My

darling

I just put on my pajamas darling.

Look I think I've got something in my right eye Let me put you... No, I mean

left... No, no, this one. I told you... You don't come in the light, darling.

Darling, but it hurts!

Well, then, stand still for a moment. I can't see. It hurts. I cannot open it.

And in the light a moment.

Where? Now, where? Where? Here.

There's absolutely nothing in your eye, my darling. Is there nothing?

Only your eye. That's all there is there.

Why aren't you in bed, my darling?

I was. I mean... I mean, I'm just... Oops.

I'm just going, dear.

Oh, uncle.

My stardew noise.

Yes, the porter just put it in.

Oh. I sent it to the village to be repaired.

I just hope they know how to fix prices.

I hope so, too.

So far, so good?

Oui, merci.

if we shall need it tonight, my love? I'm sure we won't, darling.

What

is

it?

It's very strange.

Jacques? Why don't you come to bed?

You know, I don't understand this.

You see, these footprints,

they were made by shoes, and they were

not made by feet.

Darling, what's the matter, my darling?

It's very strange, my love, but suddenly I'm freezing cold. You're freezing

cold?

The window is open. The window is open. Well, you know, sometimes it's healthy

to have a little fresh air.

Healthy is one thing, but it's hell in here, my love.

Ten below zero outside, my darling.

At last.

Yes.

I just arrived in town. No trouble with the police yet.

But I understand the princess is expecting some important visitors here

tomorrow.

Who is this?

Yes? Princess Dollar, please.

Her Highness checked out a short while ago.

Bye.

Thank you.

I said he could come as one of the Borgias, and then he would never explain

cousin.

Good evening.

I mean, I enjoy champagne in bed as much as the next man, my angel, but...

From now on, perhaps a more practical approach?

Oh, I'm sorry, my darling. I just wanted to surprise you, that's all.

Well, it's been a night of surprises.

Oh, you can say that again.

It's been a... Anyway, anyway.

My love.

Shall I say you're not here?

No, but I'll answer it.

Oh, Tucker here, Inspector.

The man who kidnapped the dog was driving a rented car.

He's been identified as a man named Artoff.

Now, London informs us that a man of his description is at present employed by

Sir Charles Lytton. I see. Come up immediately.

Sir Charles. Sir Charles. Sir Phantom.

I've really got him this time.

Jack knows.

Something else.

George's got my do -it -yourself phantom kiss.

I've got to get out of here.

Well, his clothes are still here. Perhaps he's already escaped.

Most unlikely.

He doesn't realize that I am onto him. Now, listen, young man.

After all, we've no proof that Artoff was actually the man drugging the

Innocenti. Sir Charles is our man. My every instinct tells me so.

Careful, you fool. Do you realize this gun is loaded?

What I must do now is get dressed and search the rest of the hotel.

Did you find him? No, but he can't be far. Let's dress quickly and get...

He's gone. What's gone?

My coat.

My surety Scotland Yard type Macintosh. It's gone.

Good evening, Inspector.

What is it, Salud? Inspector Clouseau.

Your Highness, please excuse the interruption. I have news of great

This is Mr. Tucker of Lloyds of London, and we have met before.

I've met her too, you know.

Yes, I know, but we are meeting her again now.

What is this news?

Your Highness, I have discovered the identity of the Phantom.

You don't say.

I do say it. Of course, you're not positive. I am positive.

He is, I believe, at this very moment here in Rome. Really?

Yes.

Have you seen or heard from Sir Charles Lytton?

Not since I left Cortina. Why?

Sir Charles and the Phantom are one and the same.

You're not serious.

I am serious.

I can understand how difficult it is for Your Highness to accept the facts. Sir

Charles is a very persuasive and attractive man.

He is also, Sir Charles. Listen.

A man of considerable influence and reputation.

I mean, she's got quite a point there, you know. He is a fraud, and I shall

prove it.

Meanwhile, I would like your permission, Your Highness, to surround the house

with armed guards.

I take it the gem is in the villa?

It is.

But as you gentlemen know, I'm having a rather large party this evening. I

assure you, Your Highness, your guests will be caused no embarrassment

whatsoever. They will not even be aware that my men are present in their

disguises. In that case, you have my permission.

But my words, if Sir Charles is foolish enough to attempt to steal your diamond

tonight, you will be witness to the capture of the notorious fountain.

Gentlemen.

to be changed no we just have to make sure that sir charles doesn't steal the

jewel

Hello, Tucker.

Can I get a drink?

No, thank you. I know a drinker. I'm on duty. You should know that. Never,

never, never. Oh, cheers.

Cheers.

Warm?

This must be hell in there.

But it's not so good in there.

Anything suspicious?

No, no, no. Nothing to worry about.

My men are everywhere. Mingling here, mingling there. Watching all the time.

Watch it.

There you drink what you're on duty.

Who is inside there?

Sergeant Wilder. Sergeant what?

You won't be heavy like this and I'll have your stripes.

Get out of here and start mingling again.

Quite funny, that zebra and stripes.

They're good. They're good.

Well,

I think I'll mingle.

May I see your invitation please?

Wasn't there another gorilla in a Rolls Royce? Yes, probably a rich uncle.

You see, gentlemen, perfectly safe.

One cannot be too careful, Your Highness. This party, all your guests

masks. It was just possible that the Phantom had already done his work.

Without an invitation, how could Sir Charles get past your guards?

But the Phantom is concerned, Your Highness.

I protect.

Remove your head at once.

Tucker, remove his head.

Ah!

Oh, good grief.

It's our ambassador.

Ambassador? My apologies, Lord Cravenwood.

The inspector was only acting with the best of motives.

You're hired.

Oh, really, Lord Cravenwood. What did your wife think?

What's he got that I haven't got? George.

In the flesh.

What are you doing here?

Tarzan let me use the car tonight.

Listen, I've got to talk to you. You've got to get out of here.

What are you doing?

Lord Craven, I'm so terribly sorry about what happened.

You see, I was discussing an important thing with the Highness, and when I

discovered you outside the library door, naturally, I thought...

The Ambassador.

Yes, I know.

You know, darling, have a dance with me all evening, my angel. I'm sorry, my

darling. Oh, that's all for now.

Pardon me.

I'm lost. I must have gotten off the road, the main road. I'm on my way to

Prescott. Uh, you'll have to go down the road about a half mile. You'll see a

sign. Turn right. It'll take you right to the highway.

Excuse me, dear, but I've got to talk to Lord Cravenwood. It's extremely

important. That's okay. He's making me itch anyway. Fine.

Now, listen to me. I know what you're up to, and it won't work.

You'll ruin everything.

Excuse me, Your Excellency. May I cut in?

Thank you so much.

Having a good time?

Yes, extremely good time.

Good.

party, Angela, darling.

Wait till you see the fireworks at midnight.

have this dance?

I never learned to dance. I just simply got natural rhythm, you know?

Right, sure. It is. It's a child's.

Probably. George is loving it. Which way? Come on.

But it's not midnight yet. I think when the light's out, her light is supposed

to change her mind. All right.

Be careful. I can't see a thing.

Hell, yeah.

Captain.

Good luck.

George? Uncle Charles. Have you got it?

No, haven't you?

No, the safe's empty.

What's that?

Something's been highly dishonest.

Follow me, men.

Idiots! Get away from me!

Touch me to my feet, someone! Mr. Tucker! Mr. Tucker!

Hey, I'll get him!

Come on, Tucker!

Now, George, any idea how to get out of here? I don't know. I've been all over

this place.

I've been up this street, up that one, up that one. How are we going to get out

of here? Why don't you try the high road up there? Okay, I'll take the high

road. You take the low road. So long, Uncle Charles.

Ciao, George.

I made up my mind.

I decided to live a little.

I knew if I continued my academic endeavors, I could depend upon that

yours every month.

You know what I did?

I took a plush Hollywood apartment, surrounded myself with all of the

of a wealthy bachelor, and I sent you glowing reports of a brilliant academic

career. Well, I suppose a certain amount of dishonesty is bound to beget a

certain amount of dishonesty.

But it's spectacle.

Please, I have no more time.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, Inspector.

Good morning, Inspector. Will it even all sharpen shiny?

That's what you'd like to know. The trial is all set for tomorrow morning.

shouldn't take too long. Well, that sounds encouraging.

Yes, it's encouraging for me, but bad for you.

Have some coffee, Inspector.

You know, you two could save yourself a lot of trouble if you would tell me

where the jewel is.

Tuck in some of that porridge, Inspector. It's guaranteed good for

You refuse to cooperate, huh? We've offered you porridge and coffee. It's

that's left.

Well, I'm glad that you're enjoying yourselves.

Because you're going to be here for the next 20 years.

Madame Clouseau.

Your Highness.

Madame, what have you done?

I'll be brief and to the point.

My husband feels he has enough evidence to prove that Sir Charles is the Phantom

and to convict George as his accomplice.

As I see it, they only have one chance.

What is that?

If Your Highness were to testify on their behalf, somehow convince the jury

that, well, they didn't even take the diamond.

You surprise me, Madame.

I expect to.

And I'm taking the chance that you will keep what I'm about to tell you in the

strictest confidence.

I think I can guess.

It's not too difficult.

Being the wife of Inspector Clouseau, you could have been very helpful to

Charles.

I have been.

Was stealing my dog all part of the plan?

That was the plan.

But I think you should know that Charles wanted to call it off.

You've had it all the time. You stole the jewel yourself before the

International Court made its decision.

I'd gladly sacrifice it to save Charles.

But it's not so simple.

Wouldn't you say you just found it on the grounds or something?

They just blame he dropped it, making his escape.

No. To save Charles, we must prove that someone else stole it.

But we'd never be able to do that.

I have an idea.

The trial is in its third day.

seldom in the history of Italian jurisprudence has a trial created such

excitement. Thousands of people, and it is interesting to note most of them

women, have gathered daily hoping to catch a glimpse of Sir Charles Lytton,

man accused of being the notorious phantom.

The court adjourned yesterday as the defense requested time to investigate

certain new important evidence.

And it is rumored that when the court convenes today, the defense will call a

surprise witness.

The defense has only one witness, Mr. President.

Would you please call Inspector Jacques Clouseau to the stand?

You mean a defense witness?

Inspector Clouseau?

Nothing to worry about, my darling. You'll make fools out of them.

Inspector Clouseau, you've testified under oath to certain pertinent facts

concerning this case.

Your testimony and your testimony alone has been a major factor in casting

suspicion on the defendant.

Aside from the Phantom himself, you are the foremost authority on the Phantom.

I have made the Phantom my life's work.

You testify that the Phantom has been a frequent guest at the numerous parties

given by Miss Angela Dunning. That is correct, yes. You testify that it was

either during or sometime soon afterwards that certain of Miss

were robbed of their jewels.

Yes.

How many times did this happen?

Sixteen.

Sixteen parties, sixteen thefts? Yes.

And Sir Charles attended all sixteen of those parties? All of them. And how many

of those parties did you attend, Inspector?

All of them.

Oh, that's very interesting.

You attended the first party when the jewels were stolen?

Yes, yes.

The jewels were stolen during or after the party?

After. Oh, so then you knew they were going to be stolen?

Oh, yes.

How did you know?

Because that is the modus operandi of the Phantom. He always works that way.

I see.

Were the same people always present at each party? Oh, no. The guest list

varied.

Outside of Sir Charles, was anybody else always present at each of these

parties?

Uh, no, no, no.

Only Sir Charles was present at each party.

When there was a robbery.

Yes, yes.

I see.

What about you?

Me? Yes, you.

What about me? Well, you were there.

Yes. Well, then Sir Charles was not the only one always present at each party.

What are you suggesting?

I'm not suggesting anything.

Yet.

Inspector Clouseau.

How much money do you make?

Oh, what has this got to do with it? Well, your salary. How much does a

inspector get paid?

You know, I... Enough to buy your wife a $10 ,000 mink coat?

No, of course not.

You're aware that your wife spent $7 ,000 at the Yves Saint Laurent only last

month?

What? And two months before that, $4 ,000?

Well, it's impossible. We know for a fact that your wife spent at least $30

on clothes during the past year.

So my wife is very frugal. She saves out of the housekeeping money.

$30 ,000 out of the housekeeping money.

Yeah, we've been married for 10 years.

About the time that these robberies began and the notorious phantom came

existence, correct?

Yes. No, no, not correct.

Of course not correct. Of course... Oh, yeah.

Wait, wait.

You see...

Can't just let him rot in prison.

Oh, it takes years for people to rot.

Besides, when the phantom strikes again, the inspector will be as free as a

bird. Want to come to South America, George? Family rates?

I wouldn't miss it, Uncle Charles.

Good. Who knows, when I retire, I might take over the business.

Crazy woman.

She's the one who tried to tear up all his clothes.

My wife.

Wife? You can thank my mother for the forest.

You're a national hero.

I envy you.

I'm going to prison.

A few years.

But after you get out... Tell

me, Inspector.

Senor Phantom.

All those robberies.

How did you ever manage it?

but you know it wasn't easy