Original subtitles

Can i have your autograph, Miss Madden?

Gee, Miss Madden, I think you're just wonderful.

Miss Madden, here's my address. Will you send me a picture?

Miss Madden, can i have your autograph?

- Good afternoon. - Miss Madden isn't at home,

but i'm her business representative,

and she doesn't want to buy anything.

Er... You've mistaken me for someone else.

I'm the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Oh. The, er... income tax.

Well, come in. Come in.

Yes, Mr Gensler. I understand. Very soon.

Oh...

Don't tell me a month's gone by already.

Another short subject before the feature.

You're the 1940 man, aren't ya?

No, I'm the 1941 man.

Oh, yes. I remember. The '40 man has a moustache.

He comes on the first and fifteenth.

You come on the seventh and twenty-second.

Thank you.

Well, another ten weeks and you'll be paid up.

Then you won't be seeing me anymore.

Except in my sleep.

Oh, er... I want to thank you for the passes to the play.

Oh, Miss Madden is a wonderful actress, isn't she?

Oh, yes, she's great.

Well, I'll be running along now.

I'll see you on the twenty-second.

Buddy?

- Liza, is that you?

- Liza, is that you? - Yes. Buddy?

Call a doctor, quick.

- Doctor...? - An obstetrician.

An obste...?

Liza, a what?

- Look.

What...? W-W-What's that?

A baby.

That's what i thought.

Hurry, Buddy. Call somebody important.

Find out who's the best obstetrician in town.

- And here, take these. - It's a little late

for an obstetrician, isn't it?

Get me the apartment manager. I want him to come right up.

And call someone who knows about toys.

- But, I... Well, ... - Oh, never mind.

I'll call everybody myself.

Maybe you mean a paediatrician.

I want the manager, please, and hurry.

Isn't she a darling?

This is Miss Madden.

Will you come up to my apartment right away?

I need more room now with a baby.

Yes, I said "a baby".

What?

Why, that's ridiculous.

Is there something in my lease that says i can't have a baby?

But how could i tell you? i didn't know it myself

until about fifteen minutes ago.

Oh, I don't care about your rules for having babies.

That's silly anyway.

Oh, wait a minute.

Do you happen to know the very best obstetrician in New York?

Obstetrician.

A baby doctor.

What was the name again?

Dr McBain? Dr Corey T McBain.

Thank you. Hurry, Buddy. Dr McBain, right away.

Somewhere East 60-something Street.

You let Rome burn, and all the time this poor little thing

might be catching something from Ken.

Go sterilise yourself, Ken.

All the money you handle and everything.

I didn't know you had a baby, Miss Madden.

You didn't?

- Isn't she adorable? -Yes.

Hello. Oochy-coochy- coochy-coochy-coo!

She has a smile just like yours.

Now, that's sweet of you.

Huh? Oh.

- Well, I'll be saying goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who was that nice man?

He came here with a special request

from Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

- He did? - Yes.

When you get back to Washington, remember me to Eleanor!

Yes, Miss Madden.

Liza, will you please tell us where...

- Dr McBain is on the phone. - Tell him to rush right over.

Oh, no, no. Give me the phone.

Doctor? This is Elizabeth Madden.

Would you rush right over here and take a look at my baby?

Symptoms? Doctor, if i could recognise symptoms,

I would be a doctor, not an actress.

What age?

About two.

Oh, Doctor, please rush right over here

instead of arguing with me this way.

- The address is 25 East Abe, oh... -85th Street.

85th Street. Thank you. Stupid of me.

Well, I thought i was past surprise.

Liza, will you please take your mind off that kid and kindly tell us...

Whose little act of God is this you swiped?

Isn't she wonderful?

Isn't she extravagantly beautiful?

- Doesn't she feel...? - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But whose is it?

- Mine. - Oh.

Now, take it easy.

Oh, stop schmoozing all over that kid

and tell us where you got it.

I took her.

- Ken? - You mean you kidnapped her?

Oh, Ken, you've got an obscene mind.

And you're a bad influence.

Buddy, when the manager gets here, remind me to tell him

to have some workmen remove that bar right away.

It's no atmosphere for a growing child.

Well, keep her from growing up for just a few minutes, will you?

I've gotta get in shape to save you from the Lindbergh Law.

Ken?

Well, what is it?

At least you might hide that bottle of...

G-I-N.

Oh, now, Liza, will you please sit down

and let's start talking sense.

Now, no matter how much you may want to,

you just can't play Foundling Home without a licence.

Now, sit down and, um...

tell Papa and Mama all about it.

Yes.

Now, tell us.

Just where did you kidnap the kid?

Ken? I've asked you not to use that awful word.

I did not kidnap her. I just took her.

I was coming back from the theatre in a cab up 8th Avenue.

You know, that awful block where all those frightful rooming houses are.

There was an awful traffic jam.

There were police cars and everything.

So i got out of my cab to see what it was all about.

Oh, naturally.

It was a very excitable Italian talking to some policemen,

and some people had abandoned this precious little darling

in one of his rooms.

Can you imagine anybody so completely lacking in feeling?

Well, don't you worry, angel.

Mommy's got you now.

Er... There was an excitable Italian talking to some policemen?

And Jo was just crying fit to break your heart.

- Jo? - That's what i've decided to call her.

Jo for Joanna.

It's odd. It's cute.

Joanna Madden.

So, I said to the policeman, "Give me that baby.

"You don't know how to hold her."

- And you do? - Naturally.

Every woman knows how to hold a baby.

Maternal instinct.

It's like... like sewing on buttons or beating an egg...

Oh, careful, Jo darling. Mommy's got you.

The minute i took hold of her,

she stopped crying and smiled at me.

We're meant for each other.

So i just walked out, got in the cab

and brought her home where she belongs.

Now, listen. Let's turn her over right now to the proper authorities.

- What?! - Perhaps you can adopt her later.

And have her in a bleak and dismal institution?

Maybe weeks before i can get her?

- I should say not. - KEN: Well...

Ours not to reason why.

Joanna is home. And here she stays.

Miss Liz! is that a baby you got there?

Look, Mary Lou. isn't she an angel?

Angel right from Heaven.

Ain't ya, chuckle-face?

Miss Liz, who does this pink cherub belong to?

She's mine, Mary Lou.

Isn't it wonderful? All mine.

So that's why you had me take a vacation last year.

Didn't even trust ol' Mary Lou.

You're sure a sly one, Miss Liz.

But, Mary Lou, you mustn't think that i...

Oh, no, Mary Lou.

- Over there, sir. - Oh, thanks.

Oh, excuse me. I gotta go to the store.

- I'm Dr McBain. - Oh, that's all right.

Just go right on in, sir.

I want the whole nursery in pale pink and aquamarine.

And that door isn't wide enough. Have it made larger,

so that we can wheel Joanna's perambulator

through when we want to.

And, Buddy, remember about the toys.

But, Miss Madden, I want you to realise

that i must have a special dispensation from the owners.

I'm not allowed to rent to families with children.

I don't wish to intrude,

but i was called here on an emergency. I'm Dr McBain.

Hello, Doctor.

And, Buddy, tell the decorator we need a piano.

A musical education is essential to a girl.

- Yes? - I'm Dr McBain.

Dr Corey T McBain.

I was called here on a serious emergency.

Oh, yes, yes. Would you come with me?

I want to ask you something. Where is it, now?

Here. What do you fill this with?

I don't wish to seem unreasonable,

but was the contents of an infant's feeding bottle

the subject of this emergency call?

- Oh, the call? - Oh, no, no, no, no.

I just said that. You know how doctors are.

Unless they think someone is actually dying,

they just dawdle along.

I was called here to examine a two-year-old child.

Oh, yes. Here she is.

- My own precious darling, Joanna.

This?

This is an infant of about eight or nine months.

Oh, yes, yes. There was a slight mistake about the age.

She's so smart that I always think of her

as being much older.

Aren't you, my angel?

If you wish me to examine the child, madam, I will do so.

Otherwise, I have calls to make.

Of course i want you to examine her.

I want you to do much more than that.

I want you to give me a full regimen for her.

Food, exercise, and everything.

Everything physical, of course.

I'm going to take care of the cultural development myself.

I'm sure there's no-one more competent.

Thank you.

Where may i wash my hands, please?

Right over there.

I want you to be at hand any time we're likely to need you, Doctor.

Would it be too much trouble for you to move into this building?

It would be a great deal too much trouble, Miss Madden.

Doctor, do you have any favourites among your tiny patients,

or do you just fall in love with all of them?

I never have favourites, nor do i fall in love with them as individuals.

Frankly, Miss Madden, I detest children of all ages.

I detest infants particularly.

What?

But that can't be.

I mean, a man who dislikes children

simply can't be a baby specialist.

On the contrary, Miss Madden, that is absolutely the case.

And i didn't use the word "dislike". I said "detest".

Children simply fail to strike a responsive chord in me.

The infant's chest seems perfect.

Please don't say "infant".

It sounds so unaffectionate.

As though she had no personality.

Please call her Joanna.

Miss Madden, might i suggest that you choose

a different name for, er... Joanna?

She happens to be a male.

What?

A boy?

But that can't be.

He...

I mean, she...

I mean, he was wearing all pink.

He just can't be a boy.

Everybody knows girls wear pink and boys wear blue.

Don't you know that?

Miss Madden, many years ago,

medical science discovered a much better way

of segregating boys and girls

than by the colour of their clothing.

Albert?

Alexander?

Abraham?

Arthur?

No, no, no, pet. That's one of yesterday's toys,

before the doctor came. You wouldn't like that.

Where have we got the little...? Oh, yeah, there.

Look.

Bertram?

Bernard?

Boyd?

Say, what is that roll call you're reading anyway?

A list of your favourite taxi drivers?

No, they're all right here in this book for expectant mothers.

How to Choose a Suitable Name.

Benjamin?

Bailey?

Bradford?

Buster?

Bouvert.

Bouvert?

Bouvert. It says "Bouvert".

Where?

Never even heard of it.

What's he supposed to do when you hit the right one?

Whistle through his teeth?

Get up and do a time step?

C'est I'heure pour le dîner de mon oncle, madame.

Leave him here until it's ready, Nanette. I'll bring him in.

Oui, madame.

Not bad!

I think French governesses are cute.

And Jo, I mean, he loves her.

Mmm. He seems to have weathered the quick switch in sex all right.

You're taking it calmly, too.

Well, of course i'm delighted.

A boy is so much less likely to get into trouble than a girl.

Oh, a boy will be so nice.

Al tall, handsome son to take me out to dinner.

Now, come on, angel, pay attention.

Try and concentrate, hmm?

- Baptiste? - Listen, Liza.

Tall, handsome Baptiste will be passing you gumdrops

through the bars of Sing Sing if you don't take my advice

and let me smuggle the little...

let me sneak it into a police station some night

and then run like everything.

Oh, stop being childish.

Go and see some more lawyers.

Keep on trying until you find someone with sense.

I've seen all the lawyers in New York.

I'm stymied until Harvard graduates some more.

And i know what they'll say, too.

"Technically, you're a kidnapper and there's nothing you can do

"but turn him over to the proper authorities."

No. I'm going to adopt him.

Liza, for the nine hundred and sixty-first time, you can't.

However maternal you may be feeling

at this particular moment, the courthouse records

list you as "unmarried".

You're single and strapped,

and they don't let people adopt babies unless

they're married or have money.

Oh, that's silly.

I make more money than most people who have babies.

- I make lots of money. - You make lots of money, yes.

You have lots of money, no.

You give it away to that crummy list of pensioners.

All right, then go and get me some more.

You...

Oh!

Let's find another page here. Now, let's see...

Carol?

No, you didn't like that one. Carter?

The, er... The Case for the Bottle Baby.

Er... Infant...

Don't you like any of them, darling?

He just sits there.

I remember an audience in Cedar Rapids once

that behaved the same way.

Maybe we can make one up, hmm? How's that?

Make up a number,

and when you get yours, he won't feel slighted.

Now, let's see.

Barry...

Cary, Gary...

Call him "Catastrophe”.

Oh, no, that's much too long.

Now, let's see...

Corey! How's that? I just made it up.

- And he likes it! - Corey? Cor...

Isn't there somebody in the building by that name?

You're thinking of what I'm going to commit

to keep us all out of jail.

Harry-Cary.

- He likes it!

- Yes, my angel.

Hello, Corey, darling! He loves it.

Miss Elizabeth Madden's apartment.

George! I thought i told you

not to call me during my business hours!

Well, what do i care about the po...?

What's that you say? What?!

Miss Liz!

Miss Liz! The police, Miss Liz!

The police!

Mary Lou, don't startle Corey that way. He might stutter.

Mary Lou, don't be ridiculous.

No, ma'am, Miss Liz. But George seen 'em.

Two policemen, he said, and a police lady askin' about a baby.

On their way up here?

George said they's in the elevator right now.

Now let's keep calm, everybody.

Mary Lou, you take the toys. Hide them in the icebox.

Buddy, you take Corey and hide him in the nursery.

And tell that French dame, Frou-Frou or whatever her name is,

to lock the door.

The most important thing is we have to keep our heads.

Now, let's start all over again and get organised.

- Oh, Corey! - Here, give the baby to me.

No, no, no, no. You leave him to me before you kill him.

Now, you distract them until i get back.

Give them some drinks. Offer them some...

some passes.

Maybe i should just run my fingers through their hair?

Yes, what is it?

We'd like to see Miss Madden for a moment.

Oh, but i'm awfully sorry, but this is just the hour

when Miss Madden rests and has her massage at...

It's a very strenuous part she has now.

Have you seen the play? Would you, er...

- Um, oh...

Buddy, is that the photographer

the press department was sending up?

- Oh... - Oh, I'm sorry.

- Good afternoon. Miss Madden? - How do you do?

I'm Sergeant Barnes,

and Mrs Cummings of the Child Welfare Department.

How do you do?

And this is Patrolman Murphy.

How do you do?

Miss Madden,

I'd like to ask you a few questions about a baby.

A baby?

- A baby was abandoned

in a roomin' house over here on 47th Street.

Murphy here was investigatin' the case

when a woman offered to hold the baby for him.

She walked off with the baby.

- Why, do you mean she...? - Uh-huh.

- Vanished.

We found the cab driver who drove her and the baby

to this building.

But you can't have babies in this building.

That's in the lease, yes.

Murphy here and the other witnesses say

that this lady was wearing the screwiest hat

-they'd ever seen.

Well, that-that's hardly a distinguishing characteristic these days.

So, we come here and we ask the bellboys

what lady wears the screwiest hats.

And every one of 'em says "Miss Madden".

Well...

the bellboys.

What do they know about hats, anyway?

So we thought you wouldn't mind if we looked around,

just to see if we could sort of find a baby

that perhaps you hadn't noticed.

That's an outrage.

Aren't you supposed to have a certificate or...

- Writ. - A writ or something?

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪

♪ Them gates is locked and closed up good and tight ♪

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪

♪ Can't nobody get that little mite ♪

I thought i heard somebody.

Well, Sergeant, help yourself.

Hmm?

- Buddy? - Huh?

Show them through the place.

Oh, well, there really isn't very much to see, Captain.

We lead such a quiet life here.

Er, this is the living room where we...

-live. - Uh-huh.

Shall we sit down, Mrs Canning?

Er, this is the library or the smoking room where we, um...

- Smoke, I suppose? - Uh-huh.

Your work must be fascinating, Mrs Cunning.

Cummings.

Yes, I suppose it is.

Frankly, Mrs Cummings, don't you think it's rather ridiculous,

suspecting me of kidnapping?

On the contrary, we have many similar cases.

It happens every day.

Generally to women whose lives have been so selfish

that they've never experienced the normal feelings

of love and self-sacrifice.

It's very interesting, Miss Madden.

When the lipstick's all gone,

Miss Madden puts buckshot in those things,

and we hold up filling stations.

You might recognise the headpiece.

Is this all?

Except the special chute that whooshes the bodies

down to the East River.

That's it!

- Oh! Say, take it easy there, sonny.

A lot of those aren't paid for.

Oh, well, what's that?

One of your hats, Miss Madden. Would you mind trying it on?

Oh, well, that old thing!

I haven't worn that in years. Have i, Buddy?

Why, I can't think how that got back in the cupboard. It's too...

Would you try it on, please?

Try it on?

Of course.

Certainly.

Now i don't think that's so screwy, do you?

Oh, you wouldn't know it.

Well?

Don't look much like it.

Okay, come on.

I'm sorry to upset your house like this, Miss Madden,

but you understand. We've got a job to do.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

It was rather interesting.

Tip us off next time. We'll put some beer on ice.

- Oh, I... - Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just going to knock.

I didn't know you had company, Miss Madden.

Oh, come right in. They were just leaving.

Oh, they're not exactly "company". Do come in.

Er... No, thanks.

I just wanted to tell you i consulted the owners

and they decided that it can be arranged for you

to take the apartment next door as a nursery for your baby.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Well...

try and get us connecting cells with a bath between.

She's a swell kid, but I have to add and subtract for her.

If i give you my word it's all right,

would you wait outside while i dress him?

Of course i will, Miss Madden.

But the more you prolong it, the more difficult it'll be.

Don't tell me the longer i keep him,

the harder the parting's going to be.

I know it.

I know it, and still i want to keep him every extra minute,

every second i can have him.

I don't care how painful it makes it.

And i don't care if you're an expert at your profession.

You'd know that if you had any children of your own.

I was thinking by the time I get uptown,

it'll be nearly seven o'clock.

I live in Brooklyn. It's a long trip.

I was wondering if the ends of justice

wouldn't be just as well served if i left him here tonight, and...

stop off in the morning and get him.

I'm sorry for what i've said, Mrs Cummings.

I'll be glad to get home early.

My little brood can't get fed till i get there.

I have five of my own, Miss Madden.

Good night.

Leeches, leeches, leeches.

"Billy Black, acrobat, hospital bill, seventy-five.

"Oldermine's doorman, back alimony for second wife, seventy-five.

"Faye Brown, ventriloquist.

"New head repairs on dummy, twenty-five..."

- I thought i heard you... - Ssh!

Liza...

What are you doing at home in that finale costume?

You know we can't afford to replace it.

- I wanted to get home to Corey. - Oh!

Here's that pension list you asked for.

And i have some very drastic cuts to suggest.

Now look, we can cut Uncle Charles to fifty, and...

Great-uncle Charles?

Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

Well, what does he do but run up and down Miami Beach,

pinching girls?

That shouldn't be so expensive.

Probably costs him a lot to keep in condition...

- Ssh! - To keep in condition

just for the running part.

We've got to concentrate.

I can't adopt Corey unless I'm-I'm-I'm...

- Solvent or... - Solvent.

So you both have to make me that way.

We can't make you solvent if you keep on sending money

to all these leeches.

Now, look, there's Stevenson. Now he's had the same bad idea

for the same bad play every day for the last five years.

But he has talent, and one day he might write a great play.

That money keeps him going.

- Yes, from bar to bar. - Ssh.

Look, children, this is a commendable burst of economy,

but it should've started six or seven years ago,

along with Tobacco Road and Hellzapoppin'.

I don't see why i'm not solvent.

Because you have more debts than a college sophomore.

- Ssh. - Because of all that money

to these leeches.

Being solvent means hard cash money in the bank.

Not a swell apartment with a lot of expensive furniture.

And the law says you either have to be solvent or married.

I'll just have to get married.

Why don't you marry somebody with money

and kill two birds with one ceremony?

Yes, that's what i'll do.

I'll get married.

May i ask who the, er,

prospective and unsuspecting bridegroom is?

Your leading man?

Oh, no, no.

He wouldn't believe it was strictly a marriage of convenience.

Why, Liza!

Oh, I see. It's to be, er...

all business, this marriage?

Certainly.

- Ken? - Huh?

Oh, no. Now, Liza, please, please, not me.

Why not? You are handy and i can manage you.

I know, but look, look...

Look, Liza, I'll do anything for you.

I'll sign notes for you, I'll defraud managers for you,

I'll even steal babies. I'll do anything,

but i will not marry you.

- Ssh... - If you want to keep

that gurgling item you picked up somewhere,

I'll even help you do that.

I'll do anything in the world for you, my darling,

-but i will not marry you.

Now, look what you've done. You awakened him.

Get out of here. You're no help, anyway. Go on.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

- Buddy? - Mm-hmm?

Don't you think his face is flushed?

Get Nanette.

Nanette? Nanette?

Nanette? Do you think a pin is sticking him or something?

Or maybe he's hungry. Did you give him his ten o'clock bottle?

Uh-oh.

He's got those purple things all over the stomach.

Buddy, get that doctor, quick.

You mean the one who hates babies?

Never mind what he hates. Get him, quick!

Last year i had a job with a party in Flushing.

They had it all over the stomach, too.

Typhoid.

No.

- It can't be. Your tummy's all right.

No, it can't be.

Buddy!

It isn't typhoid.

You're sure?

Definitely.

Oh, Doctor.

But we didn't give him any strawberries.

It couldn't be that kind of a rash.

What is it?

Miss Madden, do you know what material these are made of?

Why, crépe de Chine, of course.

You didn't consider that proletarian substance

known as cotton?

I wanted to give him the best.

Silk is an excellent abrasive when moist,

second only to sandpaper.

And a baby's skin is extremely tender.

Oh, Corey, darling.

It's all my fault.

That's Corey?

Mm-hmm. Nice name, isn't it? I made it up.

You made it up.

I suggest you get, er...

Corey some ordinary cotton garments.

I'll leave a prescription.

You should have had more sense to know that.

That silk is an-an-an...

An abrasive.

You should have known that.

Or don't French babies have...

What happened to your accent?

I-I... got all excited and i forgot.

Oh, Miss Madden.

You can't imagine how hard it is

to get a good job with a responsible party

when you live uptown in the Bronx...

with a name like...

like Myrtle Glosserman.

You won't fire me, will ya?

I've been here two days and you liked what i'd done.

Please don't fire me.

You'll have to go tomorrow anyway, you know that.

I won't need you without the baby.

Where are you sending him?

I'm not sending him anywhere. They're going to take him.

- The baby welfare.

Take him and put him in some home.

Just because of some stupid technicality.

Oh, stop gargling like that!

Now, listen here, Gluschkinbecker,

or whatever your real name is.

Nobody's mad at you because you were born in the Bronx.

I used to tell reporters

I was born backstage in the opera house in Prague.

Well, I was born in Frankford, Pennsylvania.

In the shop where my father made harmonicas

and painted cupids on them.

Let's get out of here before she comes to the part

where her uncle and Schleswig-Holstein

sent her a cuckoo clock.

It played Franck's Symphony in D minor.

Oh!

Oh, I suppose we'll have that Bronx soubrette

on the pension list for the next fifty years.

She struck a responsive chord.

Miss Madden seems to have quite a few such chords.

Are you English?

No, Nebraska. Why?

You keep understating everything.

Say, er, what is all this

about the welfare taking the baby in the morning?

Oh, that's not her baby.

Well, I suspected that when she was calling Corey Joanna.

- Whose baby is it?

- Oh, she kidnapped it. - Kidnapped it?

Oh, well, practically.

She found it, she wants to keep it,

and they won't let her, that's all.

Well, I don't see what's so criminal about that.

Lots of women want babies. And get them, too.

Yeah, but they usually go about it

in a less spectacular fashion.

Oh, she never does anything the simple way.

She's just something out of the blue.

She's practically all heart.

Look, look, just... Just take a look at that.

That baby's the only thing

she's ever really wanted for herself.

Well, that's hardly a medical problem, is it?

No.

This is just a bland ointment

to clear up the baby's rash.

Can i get you a drink?

Maybe we could both use one.

Three mastoids today, plus this, er...

emergency left me a little ragged around the edges.

Well, then we'll put on a new a...

Whoop!

Well, that's funny. It was here yesterday.

- What was here yesterday? - The bar...

Oh, I remember.

Miss Madden had it taken out.

Said it was a bad influence for Corey.

A bad influence for...

Well, that's wonderful.

He's asleep.

- What does he think is so funny? - You.

I'm sorry, Miss Madden. I wasn't laughing at you, I...

I was laughing at your genuine, but misguided,

devotion for that baby.

Taking out the bar.

You think i'm crazy, huh?

No, not now. I, er...

I was gonna suggest that you visit a psychiatrist.

A doctor for mental disorders.

Oh.

Oh, Miss Madden, even sane people

sometimes visit psychiatrists.

- Where's that prescription? - Here.

- Probably no good. - I'll go with you.

No, thank you. That's not necessary.

She'll never find a drugstore open this time of the night.

Well, then she'll build one and open it.

You might have held the elevator for me.

This is ridiculous.

Drugstores have no business closing this time of night.

Look, Miss Madden, the baby"ll be all right till morning.

And, er... I'm sorry if i offended you.

You made fun of me.

But supposing he was seriously ill?

What would you do then?

I didn't make fun of you.

And, if he'd been seriously ill, I would have taken care of him.

'Course you made fun of me.

All that nonsense you told me about going to a... to a...

- A psychiatrist? - Mm-hmm.

I went to one once.

What for?

I wanted something too, once.

Something i couldn't have.

A baby?

No, not a baby. Rabbits.

365,422 rabbits.

What on Earth for?

Well, I wanted to prove or disprove

a theory of mine about pneumonia.

I had an idea for a cure.

But, in order to do it, I'd have to study it

in the bloodstream of seventeen generations of rabbits.

And seventeen generations of rabbits

is 365,422 rabbits.

No wonder you hear so many jokes about them.

Sometimes, I dream about rabbits.

Count them instead of sheep.

But you never do anything about them?

You'd start tonight, wouldn't ya?

And have seventeen generations of rabbits

by morning under forced draft.

I don't see what's so complicated.

All you'd need to start with would be two rabbits.

Come again?

Er, a couple of doughnuts and a glass of milk.

- Miss Madden? - Mm-hmm?

- On two. - Surely, two rabbits

wouldn't be so hard to get or very expensive?

No.

No, but it seems that every time i got started,

a personal disaster came along

and i had to go back to babies.

There's no money in research,

and certain people kept telling me i was crazy

to want to give up a successful practice

for something there was no money in.

Finally, I sorta believed it myself.

That's why i went to a psychiatrist.

Did he think you were crazy?

- No. - Neither do i.

Er, excuse me, mister.

Oh.

Excuse me?

Let's go over here.

Dr McBain?

Dr McBain, will you marry me?

Oh, su... What?

I asked you if you would marry me.

Oh, Miss Madden, this is so sudden.

Now, I don't ask you to do anything unethical.

You don't even have to speak to me in the elevator

-if you don't want to. - Why, I...

It'll be extremely practical, and get us both what we want.

Now, I want my baby.

And the welfare couldn't refuse

-if i'm married to a baby doctor. - Well, no.

Now, you want all these thousands and thousands of rabbits, don't you?

- Well, yes, but... - Now, I've already taken

the next apartment. You can fill it up with rabbits.

I mean, the part i don't need for the nursery.

- Oh, Miss Madden, I couldn't... - Yes, you could.

- Just think of me as an angel. - Oh, I do, but...

I mean, an angel backing your rabbit show.

Oh, Miss Madden, we don't know anything about each other.

Oh, nonsense. Everybody knows me.

And you were recommended by the apartment manager.

Besides, you like rabbits.

Nobody who likes rabbits could be very vicious.

Oh, I'm not, but...

Well, you just don't marry people

on the same day you examine their babies.

But you met me yesterday.

Heavens, Dr McBain, don't be so conventional.

Don't you ever do things on impulse?

Well... Yes, yes, I do. That's the trouble.

I did once, and i got all tangled up.

But, if you marry me,

everything becomes so simple and logical.

Miss Madden, marriage is never simple and seldom logical.

Besides, it would improve your standing

when you start practising again.

I always have much more confidence in a doctor

when he has a picture of his baby on his desk.

Now, look, it wouldn't take long at all.

I was married in my last play. I know just how to do it.

Now, morning would be the best because we could go right down

and have the baby adopted, and you wouldn't waste any time

getting started on your rabbits. Let's make it Saturday, hmm?

I...

Hello.

This is Dr McBain, my fiancé.

- Look, Miss Madden... - Let me have one of your cards.

I know you want the baby, and i want the rabbits...

Gimme. Gimme.

He'll need some money.

Now, look, I want you to call this number

Saturday morning at seven-thirty,

so that he won't forget to marry me.

Ooh, Saturday i have a matinee.

Make it Monday. Monday, seven-thirty.

Now look, Miss Madden, I...

I...

Could you make it eight?

Shouldn't we say somethin'?

Well, here's to the bride and the groom,

and for those lost souls

who are eternally clearing up after wedding breakfasts.

Miss Buddy, what do they make this stuff out of?

Grapes.

Grapes.

Ain't very purple, is it?

Thanks a lot, Miss Madden.

This'll put the war back on page ten.

You're perfectly welcome, boys.

Thank you, Doctor.

I thought reporters wore their hats on the back of their heads.

That's just in the movies.

Why, Corey!

Oh, don't worry. It's indelible.

Do you think I've forgotten how you hate my lipstick?

Why, I could just hear him now.

"How do you manage to get lipstick

"all over my good shirts, all over my good ties,

"all over my good pyjamas, all over the pillowcases...

"Why, you even get it in my ears."

Er, Mrs McBain, er...

Mrs McBain.

Oh, Corey, you're still a social dud.

"Mrs McBain, meet Mrs McBain." Why, that's silly.

I'm Mrs McBain. What's your name?

It's a surprise to me,

but i guess i'm Mrs McBain number two.

Well, Corey!

Why, as far as i know, I'm number one.

We're in the dark, Bluebeard.

What number am i?

Er, two.

I must be the last.

We were just married this morning.

There'd hardly be time for a third.

Why, congratulations.

Incidentally, he has a mania for rabbits.

Imagine?

If he ever starts talking about rabbits,

you run like mad.

Gee, that's a cute baby.

- Whose is it? - Ours.

Er, that was, er...

One of the small, personal disasters

-that interrupted your work? - Er, yeah.

Shame on you for forgettin'.

Ain't no bride comin' fresh into this house

without first she's toted over the doorstep.

Oh, Mary Lou, don't be so sentimental.

Yes, ma'am. But it's bad luck just to walk in.

- Do you mind? - No, it's a nice tradition.

Now, you take him, but be careful.

I guess i'd better have the coats and hats, then.

- Thanks. - Okay.

There you go.

Aah!

That's better.

Yes. Now that charming little ceremony's over,

I think you'd better take a look at the nursery.

Before that decorator puts in a scenic railway.

Come on, my pet.

I show you your nice, little room.

Oh, er...

You'd better come, too,

and see what you've gotten yourself in for, hmm?

You're back home, angel. You're back home.

You should've found out what kind of an imagination

this gal had, before you told her to let it run wild.

Um... The admission is two bits.

It's wonderful. So gay!

You don't think you're spoiling Corey, do you?

All it needs is a guy going through, selling cotton candy.

- Hello. - How do you do?

Isn't it heavenly, Corey, darling?

Well, it, er...

Well, it looks as if somebody's gonna have to be called "Junior" around here.

I wouldn't be surprised if you're it.

Er... Would you like to see the rest of your apartment?

Yeah, thanks.

This is where you hang your hat.

Well!

Oh, this came just after you left.

You'd better hurry up and open it.

I think it's spoiled.

I didn't order this.

Oh, you... You're not supposed to order anything.

You just tell me what you want,

tables, microscopes, any...

Well, let's not get off to a false start.

I'll buy my own equipment.

You just send me the bills for all this,

and anything else that Miss Madden wa...

Somebody ought to tell me these things.

Now, I was under the impression

that Miss Madden was setting you up in rabbits

in return for making an honest mother of her.

Yeah, I know. From where you sit, I'm a sort of scientific gigolo.

- Oh, no. - Look...

For six years, I've had a good practice.

I've been miserable, but i've had a good practice.

I'm not broke.

Now, I have no practice, but, er...

I don't think i'm gonna be miserable anymore.

You remember when you accused me of understating everything?

Well, I, er, I didn't marry Miss Madden for free rent.

She, er... She did something to me,

and, er, she's rather attractive.

I hope you know what you're doing, rabbit man.

Gotcha.

Chopin?

Yeah. His concerto in one too many sharps.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were home yet.

Oh, don't stop.

Chopin's perfect for four in the morning.

Four o'clock? Gosh, I didn't think it was that late. I, er...

Got to working, I guess.

Mary Lou always leaves something for me out in the kitchen.

Well, that's good.

- Would you care for something? - Mm-hmm.

Well, don't you want a sandwich or a glass of milk?

- Brain food.

You should be in bed.

Possibly. But i'm not.

Can't sleep.

And stop being a doctor. It's after hours.

- Play for me? - All right.

This piano playing was my mother's idea.

She always wanted me to be a Paderewski.

But i disappointed her. I leaned toward rabbits.

You sort of look like a rabbit yourself

with all that fuzz.

Can you wiggle your nose?

You work too hard.

I always thought acting was easy,

like, er, mattress testing,

till i met you.

You're the first actress I've ever known.

Didn't you chase chorus girls in your college days?

I was a student by day and a busboy at night.

That didn't leave me much time for chasing any kind of girls.

You work pretty hard yourself.

You know, you may yet be known to history

because you were married to the famous Dr McBain...

for a short time.

I'm halfway through my experiment.

They're still holding up.

It is working out, isn't it?

I told you it would.

Yeah.

Yeah. Better get some sleep.

I know.

I'll probably look like a waterfront hag tomorrow.

It'd take more than staying up all night to do that.

Do what?

Make you look like a hag.

I'm married three months,

and finally my husband pays me a compliment.

Close your eyes and concentrate on something green.

What, for instance?

That green dress you wore on Friday night.

All right.

When did you see me Friday night?

At the Stork.

I dropped in for a drink.

Why didn't you come over to my table?

You were busy.

Didn't look like quite the place for a husband in name only.

Don't be silly. That was my leading man.

Doesn't mean anything.

We just work together, that's all.

Yeah...

My, the sunshine in the park is sure making him shoot up all right.

Yes, isn't it?

Oh, Ken, the funniest thing happened to me...

Liza, you're going to have to face this.

Do you remember what Mrs Cummings said?

That if Corey's real parents showed up within a year, you'd, er...

Yes?

Miss Madden, I'm K. K. Miller, attorney.

This is Mr and Mrs Joseph P. Quig,

clients of mine and parents of the baby.

Hiya.

Oh, they couldn't be.

Oh, yes, ma'am. He's our baby.

And thanks lots for keeping him so swell and everything.

And I think that's a grand name you gave him, Corey.

I like it much better than Joe.

That's his real name, Joe, after his father.

I think this is much better, and i'm gonna call him that.

Sounds swell. Corey Quig!

Ken, what is this? A practical joke?

No, Liza, there does seem to be evidence.

Absolutely conclusive evidence.

I don't care what evidence you have.

I found him. He's mine.

You can't take him.

- They have a court order. - I have a court order, too.

Your order's been superseded.

All that remains now is for the Quigs to identify the baby.

Oh, he's ours, all right.

I'd know my precious anywheres.

I don't believe it.

But, even if it is true, he was abandoned.

They have no right to him now.

Why don't you do something, Ken?

I've done everything that's possible.

Miss Madden, your manager's made a proposal

to which the Quigs reacted with natural and unqualified repugnance.

But, after mature deliberation, and taking into consideration

the many advantages the child would have with you...

Yes, I says to him,

she can give our Joey everything we can't.

Even a college education.

It busts our hearts. The both of us.

I'm so glad you realise that.

- and i assure you... - Of course, Miss Madden,

the Quigs would have to have...

expect some compensation for this supreme sacrifice.

Some payment.

They want twenty-five thousand dollars.

Well, give it to them.

Liza, you haven't got twenty-five thousand dollars.

Well, get it. Call somebody.

- Call everyone i know. - I have.

They've all suffered big business losses

within the past hour.

All right, then. Sell everything.

Sell everything i have.

Sell my...

Wait a minute.

Don't go away. Please, don't go away.

Don't worry, they won't.

Where's she going?

Doctor! Doctor!

We all has got to get us twenty-five thousand dollars right away.

- Twenty-five thousand dollars? - Yes, sir.

There's snakes in the parlour, sayin' they's Butch's folks,

and they's gonna carry him off unless we give 'em twenty-five thousand dollars.

What is this that Mary Lou tells me?

Those people claim to be Butch's parents.

- Well, what proof have they got? - don't know.

What difference does it make?

I can buy them off.

Now, wait a minute before you start this rummage sale.

It makes a lot of difference.

If they're Butch's parents, we have no legal right to him.

If they aren't, and it looks awfully phoney to me

that they'd be willing to sell him,

there should be some way of finding out.

Yes, but what? And-And how?

I don't know.

Mary Lou, you know that tray of instruments

I use for the rabbits?

It's next to the steriliser. Get it, will ya?

What are you going to do?

I may have to operate, and if i do,

this is one time in my life

I hope the patient dies on the table.

- Mr...? - Miller.

This is my husband, Dr McBain.

- Mr Miller. - How do you do, Doctor?

We needn't have disturbed you.

We're just discussing our little problem.

I've advised Miss Madden...

Mrs McBain to return the child

if there seems to be no doubt about the parentage.

Definitely established. Definitely.

- And this would be Mrs, er...? - Quig.

- Mrs Quig, how do you do? - How do you do, Doctor?

I'd know you were the baby's mother anywhere.

Same lovely features.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

I can see where the baby got his eyes.

They're almost the same colour.

Although his are a little more, er...

Well, what colour would you say his eyes were?

Huh?

I said, what colour would you say the baby's eyes were?

Er... Er... Sort of, um...

Sort of a blue-green, wouldn't you say?

Yeah, that's it. Sort of blue-green, mostly.

That's not true. The baby's eyes are brown.

- That's right. - Hey, what is this?

I don't think a jury would have much sympathy for a mother

who couldn't remember the colour of her baby's eyes, do you?

Listen, a baby's eyes changes all the time.

That's ridiculous. They've always been brown.

Oh, I knew they was brown, I just said that.

He got me all mixed up.

Is this what you wanted, Doctor?

- Yes, thanks, Mary Lou. - What's that?

An intravenous syringe for taking blood specimens.

- Now, look here... - Well, now, you don't mind, do you?

Of course, there's no doubt,

but just for our own personal satisfaction,

my wife and i would like to be absolutely sure.

I see.

I'm sorry, Doc, but i'm afraid that blood tests

aren't admissible in a court of law to prove parentage.

Oh, that's quite true. But they can disprove it.

Mrs Quig, would you mind sitting over here, please?

Just roll up your right sleeve.

Darling, would you get me a little alcohol on a piece of cotton?

I typed a sample of the baby's blood a short time ago.

Now, by typing Mr and Mrs Quig's blood,

we can easily verify whether or not, er...

Hey, he's not gonna poke that thing into me.

I can't allow that. I've got a court order here.

It's very simple, Mrs Quig. It doesn't hurt very much.

Just clench your fist.

That's right.

No! Get that thing away from me.

I ain't gonna.

There was no stickin' like this in our agreement!

All we was supposed to do was to come here and tell...

An agreement, Mr Miller?

I've got a court order. The court's upholding me in this.

Maybe the court would like to know about your little agreement.

And also that Mrs Quig refused a blood test.

Possibly because she's not at all sure

that Mr Quig is the baby's father.

Hey, what kind of a crack is that?

He's damagin' my reputation.

What as? An extortionist?

Hey, I got a good mind to sock you.

I got a good mind to sock you, too!

You got us into this, slug!

Dr McBain, I came here in good faith,

at the urging of these people.

The only agreement was that i assist in a just cause.

Now, I find that they're lying.

I-I withdraw from the whole matter.

Oh, no, ya don't!

You arranged it all. You found out we had a kid

and used to live in that house.

- And you got us to hide our baby... - MILLER: He's lying, Doctor,

and i'm willing to go into court and prove that he's trying to...

Ah, who's lyin'? Sock him, Joe!

Attaboy!

Hey, you leave my Joe alone!

What do you mean, giving me that stuff?

Cut it out!

Better stay out of the way of any flying furniture.

You hear me? You got a fine nerve.

- That's for luck. - KEN: Take it easy!

Oh, oh, oh, not fair! That's not fair! Not fair!

Yes, I did it so don't blow your... I'll kill you!

Mr Ken! Up on Lenox Avenue, they sorta...

- That's right, Mr Ken! Just like that!

Oh, it reminds me of my old burlesque days.

Yeah? Is that so?

I'll get even with you, if it's the last thing i ever...

Ow! Kickin' a lady, eh?

Hurt your foot?

Say, she's not as soft as she looks.

What...? Who was that lady i just passed in midair?

That was no lady.

- Strange images. - Aha.

Er... Did i miss something?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I was supposed to hold him, no matter what happened.

Oh, it's all right, Myrtle.

How do you like that, Butch?

Not bad for a couple of amateurs, huh?

- Thank you.

Hey, Butch, I think this calls for some kind of a celebration.

Don't you? You do?

Look, er... Would you mind asking your mother

if anybody's picking her up

after the theatre tonight for supper?

Say, "No, nobody important.”

Well, would you ask her if eleven-fifteen would be all right?

You know, I never had a date with an actress before.

Tell him to make it eleven-thirty.

And tell him he might also shave.

Oh!

Okay, Butch.

Now, the finale is just going on.

You stand right over there and you can see it.

Okay.

♪ Strange thing, you linger in this heart of mine ♪

♪ Strange thing, you're something that i can't define ♪

♪ What is this lilting song my heart would sing? ♪

♪ Is it a passing thing? ♪

♪ Is it a touch of spring? ♪

♪ That, only love will tell ♪

♪ Strange thing ♪

♪ I know you, you're my heart's desire ♪

♪ Love's lonely longing of a heart afire ♪

♪ Read, then, my future in the stars above ♪

♪ The stars up above ♪

♪ Read and foretell ♪

♪ All shall be well ♪

♪ All shall be well ♪

♪ And i find... ♪

♪ Llove ♪

♪ All shall be well today ♪

♪ Timeless, eternal ♪

♪ Strange thing called love ♪

Okay, strike it!

Oh, Miss Madden? Miss Madden?

- Hello. - Well, that was wonderful.

You'd better call me Liza in public.

- Theatre people are very informal. - Oh.

Come on, I'm a quick-change artist.

I'll only be a minute.

Come in.

- Darling! - Oh, Victor.

You see that stricken expression on my face tonight

-during the park scene? - I certainly did.

- You nearly broke me up. - I almost broke myself up.

Oh, this is Dr McBain, my husband.

This is Victor, our leading man.

Your leading man, darling.

How do you do?

Er... How do you do?

You were the one in the tights, weren't you?

Where shall it be tonight, darling?

You know what i feel like?

One of Reuben's incredible sandwiches.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I can't tonight.

- You don't mind, do you? - Of course i do. Why?

I'm sorry, I didn't know you were planning on a...

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Vicky can take me out any night, can't you, dear?

Why, of course.

It's not every night you get a husband hopped up

to go out and make the rounds.

Have a swell time.

Try the Gardenia Room.

At the Island Club.

Soft lights and, er... superb for holding hands.

Good night.

We'll have a bottle of champagne.

A big bottle, the best.

What vintage, sir?

Oh, er...

I don't know, you pick it out.

Just so it's very good.

Very good, sir.

And, er...

big.

Big? Oh, yes, yes, sir.

- We're celebrating. - Why?

Being out with you for the first time and, er...

I sent my first report to the Guggenheim Foundation

-a couple of weeks ago. - And?

Well, I, er...

I got this letter back from them two days ago.

That's wonderful.

- Five thousand dollars. - Yeah.

I paid Buddy everything it's cost you so far.

And the rent for the rest of the year.

That means we're on our own,

the, er...

the rabbits and i.

Say, I don't like that Victor. You in love with him?

Oh, no, of course not.

He kissed you.

Mmm, of course.

He kisses everybody.

He's an actor.

I guess i'm in the wrong profession.

I don't think so.

You know, this is fun.

Why don't we do this more often?

Yeah, why don't we?

A Pol Roger '29.

This is the biggest we have, sir.

Oh! That's big enough.

Well, this is it.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure. Isn't it?

- Uh-huh.

Well, all good things must come to an end sometime.

As somebody must've said before me.

Dr McBain, you need some milk.

Oh!

I don't like milk.

- You don't like milk? - No.

But you described it for me.

I what?

Oh. You prescribed it for me.

- Oh, I did? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I've never been wrong.

Milk it is.

- Unless there's some beer. - Let's go and look, huh?

Oh, your hat fell off.

No beer.

- No beer? - Mmm. No beer.

All right. Milk.

But i don't like it.

This was a most entertaining evening, Dr McBain.

I found out so many things about you.

- You did? - Mm-hmm.

Things i never would have suspected.

Well...

A, you know how to laugh.

B, you're a wonderful dancer.

Thank you.

You don't hum the music off-key in your partner's ear,

you don't hike up her dress in the back.

You know, if i'm that good,

I don't know why you don't get rid of that Victor and hire me.

I could do all that stuff, you know.

Oh, you can't sing.

Huh!

♪ Strange things... ♪

It's a strange thing. One thing.

Oh, one thing?

♪ Strange thing ♪

♪ Ta-da-da-da da-da ♪

♪ Strange thing ♪

♪ Da da dadadadada-da ♪

♪ Dadada-dadadada ♪

♪ Stars above ♪

♪ Read and foretell ♪

Isn't that the wrong key? That's pretty high.

Maybe if i did it in full voice.

♪ Read and foretell ♪

Ssh.

What's the matter?

- I think i heard the baby. - Uh-oh.

One of Dr McBain's s-s-sternest, sternest instructions to mothers

is-is-is never to disturb the baby at night.

- Did i? - Did i what?

Did i disturb the baby at night?

- I don't know. - Oh.

- ♪ Foretell ♪ - Ssh!

- Let's look. - Hmm?

- Let's look. - Hmm.

Come, come.

-♪ Foretell ♪ - Ssh!

-♪ Read and fore... ♪ - Ssh!

Ssh.

- Ssh.

Liza.

This sounds like one of those things

people are always saying without meaning it, but...

I had a swell time.

Thanks for a grand evening.

I had a wonderful time, too.

Ssh.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Liza?

Yes”?

I've been thinking about something else.

It's really none of my business, but you know that guy, Victor?

Yes.

Well, in the last act where he kisses you at the end,

do you really kiss him or do you just sort of...?

Oh, we just fake it.

- Oh, you do, huh? - Mm-hmm.

I'm glad to hear that.

You know, when a fella takes a girl out,

and particularly when he buys her champagne,

when he brings her home, he's supposed to be allowed

to kiss her good night. It's a...

It's an old custom.

It's practically mandatory.

Are you sure it's a custom?

Yeah, I'm sure.

All right.

Good night.

Good night.

You'd better let Victor keep his job.

Good morning, Mary Lou.

- Morning, Miss Liz. - Oh, don't be cross

on such a lovely morning, Mary Lou.

Say, what you doin' up at such an hour?

I'm going to get the doctor's breakfast myself this morning.

Miss Liz, you got an awful happy,

contentment look on your face.

Mary Lou, get me a frying pan.

Stop being so inquisitive.

Dr McBain.

- Oh.

Who is it?

- It's Frances. - Oh, Frances.

Shut the window, will you?

Frances?!

What are you doing here?

Why, I live in the building, chump.

Imagine my surprise when i discovered that my ex-husband

has just been awarded five thousand dollars.

So i came to congratulate you.

Well, you... you could've dressed for it.

Oh, but, darling, you didn't want me to put on a cap and gown

just because your rabbits won a fellowship.

Go away!

Corey, why don't you get a photographer

who doesn't make you look like an unhealthy Idaho potato?

What's the matter with it?

You always used to like that picture.

Frances, you go away! You can't have any money.

But, darling, I didn't say anything about money.

You don't have to. You look money!

Every move you make is venal.

Of course, five thousand dollars is a lot of lettuce.

They couldn't eat that much, could they?

Frances, look. I'm married. Very happily married.

If you wanna congratulate me,

why don't you go home and send me a telegram?

Darling, I just came to tell you

that I've been invited down to South America.

Good!

And, of course, five hundred dollars would help,

if you'd give it to me.

I wouldn't give you an old rusty razorblade

to-to-to let down a hem with!

Oh, Corey, you're still bad-tempered.

Frances, why don't you go and chat

around somebody else's bed? I'm going to take a shower.

So you won't give me the five hundred dollars, huh?

No!

- Ooh!

You could ask your wife for it.

No!

Well, could i use your phone?

- No!

Good morning, Sergeant.

Isn't it a lovely morning?

Hello, operator?

I wanna put in a long-distance call

to Buenos Aires.

Mm-hmm.

Corey?

Uh-oh, here we go.

Gee, Corey, I didn't mean to get you into any...

Where's that key?

I don't know, Miss Madden. I ain't never seen it.

Well, hello. What are you doing up so early?

Send a carpenter up right away.

- Close the show. - What, again?

Give me the janitor, then, somebody.

How soon can we start the tour in Boston?

- Well, we've cancelled twice. - Somebody with a hammer, then!

Ken, I've asked you, how soon we can open in Boston.

I've just told you. We've cancelled twice already.

And tell him to bring some chicken wire!

- Liza! - Yes, what is it? Tuesday?

Could be, with a miracle.

But you'll have to close tonight.

- All right, close tonight. - Liza?

- Yes, what is it? - The baby's awfully irritable.

He seems to have something wrong with his ear.

- I think he's sick. - Well, call a doctor.

Buddy, come back here.

If you so much as let that phoney rabbit-breeder next to us

stick his nose into this apartment,

I'm going to break every bone in your body!

- Wh... - Go on, call a doctor.

Hurry, Ken, put up closing orders.

- Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious!

Get the house doctor. Brown or whatever his name is.

Well, what's our doctor done?

Ken, get tickets for the midnight train tomorrow.

Come on, you two!

Don't just stand there like a couple of pigs

in a mud puddle!

Get out of that mud puddle.

Um... Hello, is there a doctor in the house?

I mean, er... l want the house physician.

- Liza... - Whoa, wait a minute.

- Oh, Buddy... - Now, now, wait a minute.

Look, see, I don't know what this is all about,

but it's the hottest marriage of convenience that i've ever seen.

You know, I think you'd better let it cool down a little, hmm?

Buddy, I have to talk to Liza. She thinks...

No, no, she doesn't, not often.

No, she just reacts a lot with her heart,

and right now, she's reacting.

- Oh, Buddy, I gotta... - No...

Look, look, look, you be a good boy scout and go away.

See, look, Buddy's been a long time around here.

She's been through everything but the Battle of Bunker Hill.

Now, will you just let me handle this for you?

You're kinda new in this family.

Look, Buddy, will you tell her

that she just happened to be in my...

-I mean, on my bed. I... - Oh.

- I thought she'd gone. - Oh.

- I was really taking a shower. - Uh-huh.

That sounds a little complicated, but i'll try and get it across.

No, make her understand because...

Look, will you please beat it now? Scram.

See, I'm busy.

Dr Jones? Come right this way, please.

Yes. I know it's short notice.

As a matter of fact, it isn't any notice at all.

No, I don't know why

she suddenly wants to go to Boston in such a hurry.

Maybe she's hungry for beans!

All i know is that you've got to get it there

and get it set up by Tuesday night at eight-thirty.

If you have to take every piece of scenery up there

by donkey cart and stick the whole thing together

on the stage with mayonnaise!

- Mayonnaise?

I don't care if the Shuberts...

No.

Not a week from Tuesday. Tuesday.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

Okay.

- Oh! - Mary Lou...

- No, Doctor, I can't let you go in there. - Yeah, I know.

- What's that doctor doing here? - She wouldn't have said it,

but she's so upset all of a sudden with the baby sickly and all.

- Butch is sick? - Yes, sir.

There's nothing to worry about, Miss Madden.

I've seen thousands of these little upsets.

Temperature one minute, gone the next.

Liza, what's wrong with Butch?

You're the baby's father? How do you do, sir?

Don't you worry one moment about that bouncing boy.

He'll grow up to be president one of these days.

I'm a Republican.

Dr McBain has a very peculiar sense of humour, Dr Jones.

Oh, yes. Very funny.

Er...

Doctor McBain, did you say?

That's right.

- Not Dr Corey T McBain? - Yes.

- Liza, will you stop acting...? - Well, I'm very proud

to be called in to attend the baby

of such a well-known colleague.

Just a slight temperature, restlessness at night,

would indicate a little cold coming on. Wouldn't you say, Doctor?

It wouldn't be ethical for me to give an opinion, Doctor.

I told you he has a very odd sense of humour, Dr Jones.

Well, there's nothing to worry about.

I've seen thousands and thousands of these little upsets.

- Thank you, Doctor. Good day. - Good day.

He's seen thousands and th...

Liza, don't act like this. Let me take a look at Butch.

If we need you, we'll call you, Dr Casanova.

- Let me look at him! - No, you get out of here.

If you want to look at something, go back

and look at that simpering, second-hand wife of yours!

- Liza, that isn't fair. - No, you get out of here!

- I'm no criminal. - This is not part

of our agreement, Dr McBain.

This is my apartment. You live over there,

-and if you move back there, you...

Good! If you won't let me examine him,

why don't you let me call in a doctor that i know is good?

No!

Let that be a lesson to you.

Liza!

Liza!

Myrtle?

Myrtle?

Liza?

Hello, this is Dr McBain.

Can you tell me where Miss Madden is?

Oh. No, I didn't know that.

Er...

What hotel in Boston?

All right, thanks.

Give me long distance, will you, please?

No, sir. She ain't.

Doctor, I knowed we shouldn't have come

the day before yesterday.

And now the baby, he's...

Mary Lou, stop crying and get closer to the phone.

I can't understand what you're saying.

What time?

Had Miss Madden left for the theatre then?

Do you know what's the matter?

Well, Mary Lou, what hospital?

Mary Lou, stop crying and tell me what hospital.

Yes, as soon as i can.

Hello.

Hello, get me the airport, please.

I'll take it in the other apartment.

If you drink this, Liza, you'll feel better.

Why does it take so long?

Why can't i see him?

They're taking blood tests, Liza.

What for?

What is it, Doctor?

It's the mastoid, Miss Madden.

It's serious, isn't it?

Not necessarily.

But it's a good thing it didn't go any longer.

We've double-checked the blood count and the X-rays.

The infection is acute.

We should operate immediately.

No. No, you can't operate.

Liza.

This is a little out of my line, but...

I have a feeling these guys know what they're talking about.

It's not a difficult operation these days, Miss Madden.

In this case, the greater risk is not operating.

No.

No, I won't let you operate.

Ken, tell him i won't let them.

Not here.

Let's take him to New York.

- Maybe... - A delay might mean

something much more serious.

You must decide now.

I can't decide.

If something happened...

He's so helpless...

and so little.

If i'd only let...

Buddy.

Doctor, I want to talk to my husband in New York.

Where can i telephone?

Didn't Dr McBain know the child was running

such a high temperature?

I'm sure he'd want us to...

go ahead if...

Please keep trying Dr McBain.

Miss Pierce, Mr Corbett. Thank you.

Dr McBain, Flight 24, runway 16!

- Dr McBain? - Yeah.

Hurry, we're holding the plane for you.

Here you are. Buy yourself a drink. Thanks, pal!

- Dr McBain? - Yes.

Will you take seat number five, please?

Thank you.

I'm Dr McBain. What room is...?

- Mr McBain. - Hello, Golding.

We've been trying to reach you. You're on the third.

All right.

Corey!

Oh, Corey. I've been such a fool.

Oh, Corey!

They want to operate on Butch.

You won't let them, will you?

No, no, of course not. Not unless you say so.

Now, what do you say we take a look at this

and see what's what, huh?

He doesn't wake up at all.

An eighth?

- About an hour ago. - Right.

They've given him something to relax him a little

and help him sleep.

You won't let them operate, will you?

Right mastoid, swollen and tender.

What's the white count?

Rechecked just before you got here.

I administered sulfanilamide, but, er...

No affirmative result, huh?

How extensive is the area?

Rather large, but still localised.

I'll show you on the X-ray.

- What's the pulse? - Very rapid, Doctor.

Corey. Corey, look at me.

I don't know what all this means.

You must tell me. I can't stand it.

We're not hiding anything from you.

I just had to know all these things in a hurry.

I just thought it was a cold.

That's how it all started.

It's much worse than a cold.

Butch is very sick.

We can help him, but we have to operate.

No. Corey, no.

No.

No.

We've got to.

Nurse, would you tell Dr Golding we're ready as soon as he is?

And ask him if he'd like me to assist.

Oh, no, Corey. I thought you're the one...

- Golding's one of the best in the world. - Oh, no, Corey. You must do it.

Liza, can't you understand? I couldn't do it.

Butch is my kid. Our kid.

I-I-I'd be scared to death.

Every second i held the knife in my hand, I'd be thinking if...

If something goes wrong,

the look in your eyes would stay with me all the rest of my life.

Oh, Corey, I know you're scared,

and i know that Golding is a good doctor.

But i couldn't stand all these awful minutes

while he's in there,

without knowing that you are going to do it.

You're his father.

And if something goes wrong,

don't worry about how i'd look at you.

I'd know that not Golding and nobody in the world

could've done more than you did for him.

And i'd love you even then.

Even then?

- Okay, Mama. - Okay, Pa.

We're ready, Doctor.

Corey.

No change yet.

It's too early to tell.

But it has been so long, Corey.

I know.

When?

We may be able to tell more in a few hours.

Liza?

It's after eight.

Yes”?

It's time to go to the theatre.

I'm not going.

I'm not going!

But, Liza, you must.

Why must i?

Do you think i can go down there without knowing?

Darling.

You made me do my job this morning.

Now i'm going to make you do yours.

There's nothing you can do here.

I'll take care of Butch.

If there's any change, I'll let you know.

No.

I think it's better if you go.

Corey.

Liza, I want you to go, dear.

You'll let me know, will you?

Yes. I'll let you know.

♪ Strange thing ♪

♪ You linger in this heart of mine ♪

♪ Strange thing ♪

♪ You're something that i can't define ♪

♪ What means this lilting song ♪

♪ My heart would sing? ♪

♪ Is it a passing thing? ♪

♪ Is it a touch of spring? ♪

Steady now. Everything will be all right.

♪ That, only love will tell ♪

♪ Strange thing ♪

♪ I know you, you're my heart's desire ♪

♪ Love's lonely longing ♪

♪ Of a heart afire ♪

♪ Read, then, my future ♪

♪ In the stars abo... ♪

♪ The stars up above ♪

♪ Read and foretell ♪

♪ All shall be ♪

♪ All shall be ♪

♪ All shall be well ♪

♪ All shall be well ♪

♪ And i find love ♪

♪ All shall be well today ♪

♪ Well today ♪

♪ Timeless, eternal ♪

♪ Strange thing called love ♪

- Oh, Corey!

He's all right, darling. He smiled at me.