Original subtitles

Thank you.

So he wants to cut it off, just like that.

He doesn't think you can handle it.

The arrangements have been concluded.

I gave them my word because he gave me his word.

So you tell me why.

Hey, you know why.

You're not strong anymore.

You lost control.

Now, you tell him this.

Nothing has changed.

We've had a few setbacks.

That's to be expected in any business.

But I am still in charge, and I am still strong.

Make no mistake.

You tell him he had better keep his word.

Tell him the 25th has agreed.

I'll send him a sign, a little demonstration, to prove that I'm still

Good afternoon, Mr. Duvier. Good afternoon, Simone.

Any calls?

No.

What's this Dr. Herb called?

That's your yearly checkup, Tuesday at 4 .30.

Okay.

Is New York going to call back? Mm -hmm, between 5 and 6.

Good.

Everybody else here? Yes, in the boardroom.

Of course, Miss McGree.

Gentlemen, we have a problem.

The Gannett transaction is in jeopardy because New York seems to feel I no

longer have the power to control the situation.

So I have...

Sent word that I will give them a demonstration a sign To

show that I am still in control that France is still a viable territory

What I want from you are suggestions I

Have an idea All right, would you ask your secretary to bring in the morning

paper?

Right away, sir.

Who is the most important man in France today?

Present company, of course.

Thank you, Mr. McGree.

Well, the president, I suppose.

I know, for our purpose.

A man that New York knows even better than the president of France.

A man with which our entire world organization is familiar and would like

nothing better than to see him out of the way.

Who?

Who has given us nothing but trouble for the past ten years?

Who has survived 16 assassination attempts?

Including two by his own boss.

Clouseau. You want to impress New York?

Eliminate Clouseau.

Eliminate Clouseau and we'll have every cup in France done on a mix.

Not if we do it smart.

There is a rumor that he is really a complete imbecile.

I've heard that.

Yet he continues to survive.

I have it on good authority that he is anything but an imbecile. That he only

plays the fool.

In any case, it is too dangerous.

Can you do it smart?

Yes.

Then do it.

Okay.

We're ready!

the achievement, Inspector Clouseau. How we have missed you. How we have missed

you. Your disguise is ready for the final fitting.

I think you'll be very pleased. Connie, Connie, quick, quick. Inspector

Clouseau, it's here.

I will model them for you. Get on with it. Get on with it. I will bring you one

right. There was some on the left there.

Ah, the final fitting.

I call this one Wino.

And glasses.

Magnificent.

Even though I say to myself, this is no small feat.

Now you can work the left bank M or not with anonymity. Yes, yes.

The old anonymity.

That's it. You can do it, Inspector.

Chief Inspector.

You can walk, Chief Inspector. You can walk.

Yes. Yes. You are a genius, Buds. I can.

I can walk.

Thank heavens.

For little girl.

Yes?

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stop.

What's that?

Special delivery at

Bern. Were you expecting one?

Well, the bomb destroyed half the block and Clouseau survived.

I am certain, sir, that the berm was intended for me.

Berm?

That. You said berm?

Yes, yes.

Fortunately, Professor Ball took refuge behind the new shipment of inflatable

goiters, which cushioned the force of the explosion.

Inflatable goiters?

Yes, he's the Valentine's Day collection.

It's amazing that you survived.

Yes, yes.

Yes, I must apprehend this Ned Benham before he does any more of the damage in

here. Or she.

She? A man dressed as a woman.

Four armed robberies in three weeks.

Two of the victims were assaulted and grappled with the robber.

Both the victims felt the robber was much too strong to be a woman.

Three years ago, we sent to prison a man named Claude Rousseau.

Rousseau committed robberies disguised as a woman.

Well, sir, I must be off to apprehend this mad dinner now.

Remember, it just could be Rousseau. Yes, it just could be Rousseau, yes.

Yes, I just said that. Yes, I know that, yes, sir. Well, sir, until we meet

again and the case is solved.

You may not have seen these gentlemen

before, but they have at one time or another worked for you.

And needless to say, they are specialists.

The best in France.

And you expect them to take care of Clouseau?

Oh, no.

They've been contracted to eliminate Mr. Chong.

Who the hell is Mr. Chong?

Mr. Chong.

Mr. Chong was recommended by Hong Kong.

Gentlemen.

Fulfill your count.

Why don't you get out of this wet clothes?

You could catch pneumonia.

Yes, I know that, I know that.

I will do as soon as I get home, provided that idiot Cato does not attack

first. Why don't you just tell him not to?

Believe me, it's not that easy.

I have given him instructions to attack me wherever and whenever possible, and

it has now become a matter of pride with him to try to outsmart me.

I guarantee that at this very minute his fiendish little yellow brain is

plotting some new ambush.

It's... He was onto it?

Yes, I knew that. I knew that.

Get up.

Get up!

The swine is not paying attention.

It's a very substantial building, but you're doing a great deal to it. I'm

when it's finished you'll find it very peaceful and quite delightful.

Chief Inspector Clouseau's residence.

Clouseau? One moment, please.

For you.

Excuse me, madame and messieurs.

your inspector.

Chief Inspector.

Pardon me, I need it on a tip.

Hello?

This is Chief Inspector Clouseau speaking on the phone.

Now listen to me carefully, Clouseau.

If you want to catch the French connection, meet me tonight at 11 o

the Bois de Boulogne near the Grand Casca.

It's so obvious he's bound to think it's a trap.

Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.

It's so obvious it's bound to be a trap.

That is why you will never be a great detective, Kato.

It's so obvious it could not possibly be a trap.

Now, Kato, warm up the silver hornet.

Ito, I very much suspect that the Hornet is overdue for a service.

So if you don't mind, I'll use your car tonight.

Driving a white Peugeot.

License number is...

By

any chance, are you going to Fontainebleau?

Well, I... Wonderful.

How lucky can a girl get?

You're an absolute darling.

It's green.

It is?

The traffic light.

Oh.

Well,

generally speaking, it's...

Dangerous. A beautiful girl like you to be hitchhiking at night.

I know.

That's because, generally speaking, beautiful girls like me don't carry

Are you

saying

that you carry a gun?

Mm -hmm.

I've got it in here somewhere.

It's not very big.

Watch it, my girl.

Only if you don't do exactly what I say.

Listen, Mr... Rousseau.

Rousseau? But you can call me Claude.

Claude?

Pull off the road.

The old... Pull off the road ploy, eh?

Yes, and then we will see how you do with the old pick -off -all -your

ploy.

And if you do want to freeze to death, you'd better put on the dress.

Never! Suit yourself.

But the dress is an original Dior. And you've got sensational legs.

Yes.

Good,

thank you.

Why don't you just take that thing off the hook?

It won't be necessary, my dear. The great Inspector Clouseau will not be

bothering us anymore.

Hello, boys!

And my glasses!

And we are certainly glad to see you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a moment, wait a moment. You know me, I'm Chief

Inspector Clouseau of the City.

And I am Officer Bardot. Bardot?

But you can call me Brigitte.

Brigitte, listen, Brigitte. You're making an understandable mistake.

Don't let my legs fool you. I'm really a man.

Listen.

The palace flag is lowered to half -mast.

The president has declared a day of national mourning.

Only a few hours ago, a great detective stood in his very courtyard and was

decorated by the president for outstanding service to his country.

According to the coroner's report, Chief Inspector Clouseau was probably dead

before his car hit the telephone pole.

The president called me at six o 'clock this morning.

A dozen countries have offered the services of their finest detectives, but

president made it painfully clear that this must be solved by Frenchmen and

quickly, or we can all hand in our resignations.

I spoke with Dr. Le Praon at the hospital, and he assures me that Dreyfus

completely cured.

It's amazing.

I've seen some lunatics in my time, but they were all pipers compared with

Dreyfus. He was like a wild animal.

Didn't they actually bite you?

Oh, yes.

On the leg.

I had to take rabies shots just in case.

Well, the doctor swears that his recovery is complete.

He said that in the last 12 hours, Dreyfus has literally become a new man.

Thank God for that, because we need him.

If anyone knows about Clouseau and who might have murdered him, that man is

former Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus.

Isn't it fantastic, Doctor?

reinstated at my former rank with no loss of pay or social benefits.

Yes, it could actually be called a psychic rebirth.

I'm in your debt. I shall be eternally grateful.

I only helped. I led the way. And in the final analysis, it was your victory,

Charles. Our victory, Paul.

But only at the expense of another.

Huh?

Oh, Clouseau, you mean.

It could be said that he died so that you might live.

I wish I could feel sorry.

You feel no guilt?

None.

To be honest, when I first heard he was dead, there were a few moments when I

was actually convinced I was in a state of grace.

Is that wrong?

It is no matter of right or wrong.

Look, I hated him. He literally drove me out of my mind, as you know.

Isn't it natural that I should feel...

Happiness, even joy at the thought of him being dead, out of the way, and gone

forever. Naturally, yes.

But there is a danger that such feelings might promote guilt.

Clouseau would come back, won't you? I have no guilt.

Not now, not ever.

Clouseau is gone, and I am free forever.

There, have a cigar.

Thank you, Charles.

Well, I've made all the necessary arrangements for your release.

Oh, because Lizzie is sending a car for you to be picked up at 5 .30.

Remember, you are on probation for 12 months. If you have any problems, call

me immediately.

Thank you, Paul.

Listen to me, officer. You are making a mysterious mistake.

Unless you release me immediately, I will personally see to it.

You are transferred from Martinique, where you will spend the rest of your

natural career writing traffic citations.

and checking parking meters. The man who was killed in that car, my car, Cato's

car, was not me. He was wearing my clothes. Yes, these are his clothes.

I am Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Myth or myth is?

You fool!

The president himself, when he decorated me, said to Clouseau, you are a man of

courage. And he called me the greatest detective in all of France.

Miss Charlatan?

Imposter! All right, calm down, Mr. Poirot.

Poirot? Yes.

You can call me Hercule.

And I am the greatest detective in all of France.

The greatest in all the world.

Oh,

that man is obviously crazy.

We do not use that word around here.

Oh, what do you normally use around here?

Now, now.

He is very now, now, I can tell you that. Court order.

I do need your signature on the top.

90 days.

Comprehensive. Thank you.

Psychiatric examination.

Hey!

Peek -a -boo.

Your car is at the entrance, Inspector.

Goodbye, Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Good evening, Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

It's good to have you back on the job, Chief Inspector.

Is it true that you will personally take charge of the Clouseau investigation?

You must feel torn.

On the one hand, it is your duty to send the guilty parties to the guillotine

for killing Clouseau.

On the other hand, I'm sure you'd rather congratulate them, eh?

Can you imagine a state funeral for that idiot?

The president.

Big mysteries from all over the world will be coming.

Why, there's a rumor the Pope might even show up.

Yeah?

Pope?

What?

You said Pope.

Do you have a code?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I have the code in the chest, you know.

Oh,

you sound terrible.

Do you want me to send you a doctor?

No, no, no. It's much better than it sounds.

Anyway, I want to go directly to the closer apartment to commence the search

the clues, you know.

Yes, sir.

This is the Cluseau residence?

Yes.

This is also the residence of the Cluseau manservant, Keter Tharn?

Yes.

Then be so good as to tell him that I wish to have speaks with him, would you?

And who should I say wish to have speaks with Mr. Tharn?

Tell him it is an old friend.

Mr. Fung has many old friends.

Listen, you.

Tell him it is Chief Inspector.

Close the door.

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Please come in.

Good evening.

And congratulations.

What? You are our first Caucasian, and that entitles you to a 10 % discount

until midnight.

Who are you?

Mrs. Wu.

But you can call me Madam.

Yes? Inspector Clutha.

Ah, please come in.

Madam? Welcome.

Good evening.

Please, make yourself at home.

That man just called himself Inspector Cluzel.

It was Mr. Fong's idea.

But personally, I think we should have a better password.

Password?

Madame, I demand to know exactly what is going on in here.

Well, just about anything your little heart desires.

But first, why don't you relax?

Give Benson your hat and your coat.

Have a drink, get to know the girls, and then, when you are up to it, you can

choose from a wide variety of exciting little diversions.

But I see that you already have a preference.

Allow me to

introduce... Tanya, the lotus eater.

What else does she do?

I warn you, Tanya, the eater lotus, I am

opposed to the women's league.

Man is the master, and women's place is in the home.

And another round eye bites the dust.

Wow.

Let me tell you this. I am not your ordinary round -of -the -mill

Say no more!

What? What was all that talk about arresting us? He was just kidding.

you, boss?

What? I used to work for him. He used to be a cop. A cop?

Tell them you were kidding, boss.

Yes, he's right.

I was just kidding.

Trust my heart and hope to meet you again sometime.

And you?

Madame, and you too, you too should be ashamed of yourselves.

And you, I want to talk to you.

Come in here.

Listen now.

Please, boss, I thought you were dead.

So, as a tribute to my memory, you open up this... this Chinese nookie factory.

I had to do something to keep busy.

Besides, a first -rate joint like this can make as much as three, four hundred

thousand a year.

Is that net?

No, gross.

But even so, a smart operator can clear himself a couple of hundred grand, and

that ain't exactly chicken feed.

No, no.

And ten years on Devil's Island ain't exactly the chicken's feed either, my

greedy little yellow pimp.

Well,

I'll have to close up anyway now that you're alive.

Yes, yes.

Normally, that is precisely what you would have to do.

But these are not normal times, Cato.

Someone has just tried to kill me.

That's normal. Ah, but it's time that someone thinks he has succeeded.

Except for you and me, the whole world believes that I am dead.

And in this case, death has its advantages.

No one will know it is me as I glide through the underworld like a shadow.

Good evening, Commissioner.

Charles!

I, uh... Thank you.

I'm sorry to be late, but as you must have heard, some lunatic was hiding in

closet. Yes, Russo.

Russo?

Russo.

Ah, you remember.

Why wouldn't I remember? It was only three years ago.

Of course.

Claude Russo.

Alias Claudine Rousseau, armed robbery, dressed as a woman.

But he got five years.

Ah, he was released on parole three months ago.

Ah, so it could have been Rousseau.

He's clever.

Clever enough to fool Francois?

I like Francois, but fooling him no longer constitutes an act of

more than average cleverness, shall we say.

I always thought he was rather a good policeman.

When he was my assistant, he was a very good policeman with a bright future.

But then he was assigned to Clouseau.

Oh, now, now, now, Charles.

All that's in the past.

Yes, of course.

Tomorrow morning, when they plant him six feet deep and shovel in the dirt, I

shall be truly free.

Unless he's figured out a way to come back from the dead.

Nothing that anyone does or says about him will ever make any difference again.

Shall we do some work?

That reminds me.

What is it? The chief thinks that you should give the eulogy.

The what?

The tribute.

Me? You knew him intimately.

I hated him intimately.

But you're the expert who's going to track down his murderers.

I'm the expert who would love to... To kill his murderers, don't you

Now, the PR people loved the angle.

Sacrilege. I won't do it. Politics.

No. I'm a good Catholic.

So is the chief's wife.

I don't care what she got to do with it.

She wrote the speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, dear friends.

We are gathered here to say goodbye to a...

a great man.

Not only was he a model police officer, a brilliant detective,

admired and respected by his fellow officers,

And all those who were fortunate enough, enough,

enough to know him, he was, above all else,

a modest man.

His kind will not pass this way again.

And our loss is surely heaven's gain.

Rid of that woman?

Talk about it later. I want your answer now or I sue for divorce.

I'm warning you, Teresa.

What are you going to do? Have me killed?

Amen.

Gentlemen, you will be relieved to know that our friend in New York was very

impressed by our little demonstration.

It was a good idea, Guy.

The Gannett transaction is on again.

The same delivery date? Unless something is happening I don't know about.

I spoke to Hong Kong. They say the garrot's right on schedule.

Good. That means, gentlemen, that this time next week we can declare ourselves

very healthy dividend, letting our international colleagues know that the

Connection is back in business.

In the meantime, I'll be out at the farm, and I do not want to be contacted

except in extreme emergency.

Meeting adjourned.

Stick around, will you? I might need you.

Miss Legree, would you come in here for a moment, please?

You know what's wrong with you?

We have to stop seeing each other.

Your wife?

That witch.

Okay, how long this time?

I'm afraid this time permanently.

Permanently?

Permanently? Yes.

Permanently? Well, look, she gave me an ultimatum. An ultimatum? What do you

mean? You're sitting there like you don't have any choice in this matter.

I have. Well, you have, too. Get rid of her. Get rid of her. Yes, get rid of

her. My own wife. Your own wife. Get rid of her. Out.

Why can't you do that? Well, she's got enough evidence in her safety deposit

to ruin me, and her attorney has been told that if anything accidental happens

to her, to take the contents of the box and give it to the authorities. Well,

then get rid of the authorities. Get rid of the authority? Yes, get rid of the

authority. What do you think I am? Get rid of her attorney.

Get rid of her attorney.

I couldn't afford the scandal.

Scandal? I'll show you what scandal is.

It's not that I love her. You know that I don't love her. I just, I need her

respectability.

Permanently?

Yes. You mean six years together, just like that, just washed up, just over

with?

I'm afraid so. I'm sorry. Well, that's just wonderful, isn't it?

And you honestly can't go on being my secretary now.

I have deposited a substantial amount of money in your bank account.

Philip, I don't want your money. Well, what do you want? I don't know what I

want.

Leaving early, Mr. Gray?

Later than you think, Mr. Gray.

Something you want me to do?

Not unless she decides to be indiscreet.

If you have to, just be sure you make it look like an accident.

salty Swedish sea dog out there from the salty seas in there.

From the air and in the garden.

Not the garden, but it is me.

What do you have of special interest

to my secret investigations?

There's something big going down at Le Club Foot.

Le Club Foot?

Remarkable.

Oh, 16 chests on the dead man's arm.

Oh, in the bottle of the chest, drink to the devil's...

If you do, V .A., why don't you go give him a call?

I mean, I wouldn't want you to get in trouble with your boss.

He ain't my boss. He ain't? Well, then why are you paying him all that money

every month?

Oh, that ain't cool, baby. Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet. Come on.

Where are we going?

If you don't want to be obvious, we're going to make our entry through the back

way in disguise as I told you, you fools.

Get up here. Get up here.

It's a bakery.

I know that.

I know that.

Come on.

You're not yellow anymore.

Now, this time I'm going to stand on your shoulders.

What good would that do?

Because I'm taller than you are, you fool.

Oh, yeah.

Make a cradle.

Get rid of that.

You love to find something to stand on.

Yes, I have received considerable support.

Wet clothes before you catch your death.

Yes.

What should I do with my coat? I don't want to spoil your beautiful... Oh, just

put it down anywhere.

Put it on the floor. That's fine.

All right.

Help yourself.

Sure. I'm going to change. I'll bring you a room.

You know, it's strange.

What?

I say it's strange.

Yes, I know, and I said what.

Oh, you mean what is strange?

Yes. Yes, yes.

It's strange that I have never yet set foot in this building,

but I have the distinct impression that I have been here before.

Deja vu. I have it all the time. We are deja vu.

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

You okay?

Yes.

Ah, that feels good.

Well, you know, it's not going to do you much good if you don't take your pants

off. What?

Don't take your pants off. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at my... Look, I'm shaking like a lady.

I can't stop shaking. I don't know... Oh, I know what it is. You know what it

is? What?

I just... I'm just not used to being killed.

No. I mean, that's my first time, you know. I know.

But listen, when you have been killed as many times as I have, you'll get used

to it, believe me.

Really? Yes. Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, indeed. I'll put this here. Well,

cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, this is for you. Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Then this must be yours. Oh, thank you. Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

Yes, anyway.

You have nothing to fear. Yes, I have.

No, you don't. Yes, I have. No, no, you don't. Yes, I have.

Yes, you see, I am an officer of the law.

The law?

What?

You said you are an officer of the law?

That is correct, yes, yes. I am a chef inspector of the sultan.

Why?

You doubt me.

No, I don't doubt you.

Why should I doubt you? I don't know. That's right. Why should you? If you say

so, I don't.

And who were those two men who tried to kill you?

Killers.

Killers? How do you know? I know because they worked for Duvier.

Duvier? Duvier.

I know that name. Of course you know that name. Everyone in France knows that

name. He's a millionaire businessman.

Oh, yes, of course. Duvier, the millionaire businessman. I knew, I knew.

But how many people do you think knew?

Duvier, the millionaire businessman, is also Duvier, the French connection.

How many?

Well, I suppose his mother for one.

Why do you suppose he wanted to have me killed?

Elementary, he wanted you dead.

Oh!

You all right? I'm sorry about your head.

Oh, that's all right.

Tell me about this.

Duvier.

I was his mistress and I was his private secretary for two years. I know enough

about Philippe to send him to prison for his whole life.

You keep talking about this Duvier.

But Philippe, who is Philippe?

Philippe Duvier.

His son? Whose son? Duvier. He has no son.

His brother then?

His brother's name is Fred.

Then it has to be his father. His father's dead.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Then who killed him? No, and he died of

causes. Then who is this Philippe?

I want to see some identification.

Huh? Right now.

Huh? Right now. Right now. I want to see some identification.

If you're not a policeman, then I shouldn't be telling you any of these

Can you keep a secret?

I don't know. That depends.

Embrace yourself for what I'm about to tell you.

I am none other than Inspector Jacques Clusel.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. No, you're not.

I am.

You're not.

I am. You're not. You are not.

No. No, you're not.

Yes, you are.

Yes, I admit it's not a very good photograph, but... But I saw your

television. Yes, yes.

Even the pep was there.

Cheers.

But if you're not dead, who's dead?

The wandering transvestite took my car and stole my clothes of gunpoint.

I have been working under the covers tracking the killer.

Who? The killer's Dillier.

What? Yes.

He wanted to... Impress the godfather.

What? You mean Duvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his

godfather? Yes.

That man's unthinkable.

Don't worry.

What's wrong with it?

waiting in my room. The other one? How do you know there's another one? The

assassins always travel in pairs. It's a company rule.

Do you know what the Gannett transaction is?

The Gannett transaction?

What is that?

It's a code name for a 50 million franc heroin sale.

50 million francs? Yes. Philippe's going to Hong Kong on Tuesday to meet with

the American body.

Dreyfus lives here.

I think he'll receive the vent.

Wake up, Chief Inspector.

Wake up. Chief Inspector.

Hello. Are you in there, Chief Inspector?

Hello?

There's no reply.

There's no youth.

I think we will have to go to Hong Kong without him.

We? Yes.

You, I, and Kato, who would translate for us. Uh -uh, not me.

Not me. I am not going to Hong Kong. Are you kidding me? Duvier would shoot me

on sight.

Not if he doesn't recognize you, and he won't. Why not?

We will leave that up to the great balls.

The great balls?

Please forgive the condition of my establishment, but as the inspector

Chief. Chief inspector knows... I'm so sorry.

But as the chief inspector knows, we were bound.

Bound like you still are.

Almost all my collection was either destroyed or damaged. Starting Monday, I

have to have a fire sale.

Oh, you've been called the great ball of the fire.

A catchy suggestion.

Tammy!

I can't tell you how good it is to see that you are still

alive. It has been my privilege to serve the good inspector, the chief

inspector, for all these many years.

Ferdinand, to be precise, and his reported demise.

Was there real war to me?

Something's coming.

Yes, yes, Canny. You are not dreaming.

Our friend, our customer is alive.

Hello, Canny.

Now, how can I help you?

Through wind and mud, snow and hell, whether long or short, dark or pale,

remember that when duty calls, you've got to...

I got to sit down.

Yes, of course. Come, come, come. Please, please, please.

Come along, come along. That's right, that's right. There you are.

Sit, sit, sit.

Come, come, come. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

I'm not serious.

There has been no time to get the new furniture.

Please believe me, since the blast, he's much more comfortable. Please sit.

As a matter of fact, I've been sleeping on him.

Ship, Inspector?

I'm leaving for Hong Kong first thing in the morning.

Hong Kong?

Do you think you could pick me up some cheap cool hats?

My dear Auguste, I need your best Hong Kong disguise.

Also, I will need something extra special in the Godfather line, you know?

Doctor, please, you must help me.

Is Clouseau real?

Or am I going mad again?

What do you think?

What do I think? What can I think?

If that nincompoop is really alive, and the things I heard are true, he'll

probably be decorated again for rounding up the biggest drug ring in France, and

I'll be a laughingstock.

That sounds reasonable.

What are you going to do?

What choice do I have?

I either commit myself and come back to be locked up in here, or...

I go to Hong Kong.

I don't think I can do this. Of course you can. Of course you can. Just think

yellow and follow me.

Absolutely ruined my suit.

What the hell did you look at your carry?

Yes, I... I'm Mr. Elgo.

When Mr. Scalini arrives, have me paged in the bar. Certainly, Mr. Elgo.

Who is going to pay for my suit?

Did you see that man? Did you see that man that was right there? That's Guy

Elgo, the leaf's right -hand man.

This Scalini must be Mr. Big from New York.

Listen, we'll go up to the room.

You stay here ten minutes, then tell Mr., um... Right, yes, yes.

The Mr. You -Know -Who has arrived, and bring him to the room.

Mr. You -Know -Who?

Right. I will be Mr. You -Know -Who. Get it? Right. Coming, Lloyd.

I've got a reservation for Scalini.

He's Mr. Ogle in the bar. Tell him Mr. Scalini's here.

This is Galini in London.

Cochon. No, no.

Fungu.

You heard what I said to him?

Yeah. Dumb Frenchman.

Cochon. That means pig.

Tell Mr. Scalini you're here.

Listen, boss. Boss, it's me. Me.

Oh, where is he? He's in the bathroom getting to his godfather's disguise.

Algo's in the next room.

Scalini's just down the hall in the town suite.

Marvelous. We rode up with him in the same elevator.

Maybe I can reach him before he contacts Philippe. What are you going to do? I'm

not sure, but you get in there and keep your eye on Algo.

I... Please.

Soda? Yes.

I hope it's not too strong.

I'm sure it will be fine.

Spaghettino to Al Pacino. Hey, Colin, Ken, and me, I've got a little business

talk to you about.

Where one belongs, have another drink.

I

don't

know.

Hello, Mr. Martoni.

Hey.

Come on in. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Can I get you a drink? Oh, no, nothing. Thank you.

It's, uh, Simone. Oh, you really have a good memory.

Yeah, well, I never forget a pretty face.

Hey, boss, this is Simone.

That's Duvet's personal... Secretary, how do you do, Mr. Scalini?

We never met before. No.

Now, if we meet before, you call me Julian.

That's a nice end.

Oh, thank you. That's only the right one.

Yeah, you type, too. A hundred words a minute.

Aye, my friend.

Listen, Mr. Duvier has asked me to apologize. He's going to be a little

you like, I'll be happy to keep you company until he arrives.

If I like.

This is my mother -cooked spaghetti.

So they can't have transactions.

Michelle,

I told Duvier we're on our way.

Don't forget the money.

What?

Throat?

Back?

Choking?

You want me to hit you on the...

Frank's a no -body guy.

Well, she's ready.

I take care of my body. My body takes care of me. You know what I'm driving

you know?

I'll buy some cigarettes, huh?

Yeah, smoke a few.

I went to a beer show, so I'll meet you in the lobby.

Right.

Hey, be right with you.

What the hell is going on here?

Leaky shipyard.

things are going to leak into the pod.

I can tell by your heartline that you're a very passionate man. You see how long

this is?

Keep watching.

It's going to get longer.

Hello?

It was Duvier.

And the doorman heard him tell a driver to go to the Leakey Shipyard.

Something is cacuzza around here.

You boys and a couple of boys just left the hotel.

I wonder why they did that.

You got me.

Why don't we go ask him?

Yes.

Okay. Yes, I understand.

Okay.

Duvier left the hotel about five minutes ago. He was with two men.

He told the driver to go to the Lee Key shipyard.

I'm sure it was that nincompoop.

I'm sure Mr. Duvier didn't intend to be gone very long. Now we see.

Well, it doesn't make much sense, does it? I mean, if you leave and then he

comes back... Stop worrying. You give yourself wrinkles.

What about this leaky shipyard?

Perfectly legitimate, as far as I know.

They build a line of expensive power cruisers and sailboats.

Maybe Mr. Duvier is just buying himself a yacht.

Yeah, that's what the Komisekyama said. Come

on,

come on!

This is Mr. Chow, our Far Eastern representative, Mr. Scalini.

It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Scalini. You remember Mr. Algo, of course.

Shall we go?

This way, please. After you launch the boat, we'll go up to Mr. Chow's office

and you can sign the ownership paper. It's legal in the boat.

Well,

I understood you were tall.

No, sir, I'm tall by a decade.

Now, all you have to do is sail her around the Caribbean for a while, haul

out of the water, take the midsection out of the keel, and voila, 40 kilos of

the finest merchandise your experts have ever tested.

Well, I tell you, it better have been the best merchandise, because my experts

certainly have tested something. We have faith in our merchandise.

All right. Now, would you like to launch her? I would be delighted.

September, the month for the vintage.

Congratulations!

But careful, I will arrest you all in the name of the law!

Oh, let me get my hands on you.

Clouseau?

Yes?

Are you wounded?

No.

Fortunately, I was...

I'm so sorry I'm late. I was a little worried about you. I have some rather

important police business to attend to, you know.

Everything's all right? Oh, yes, absolutely fine. Allow me to let you in

car.

Please.

Beautiful. It's rather neat, isn't it? I call it the silver hornet.

It's a little overdue for service, unfortunately.

Perhaps it's better to leave that there.

Well, it's a beautiful night. Why don't we walk?

What an excellent idea.

I'm sorry about that.

Yes, it's quite all right.

My goodness, you look ravishing tonight. Oh, yes, I know that. You know that?

Oh, yes, I know that. Yes, I knew that you knew that. You did.

I knew you knew I knew that.

What made you decide to become a detective?

Well, it's not something one decides every day of the week, you know.

But in my case, it began when my great -aunt was kidnapped and held for ransom

by an unlicensed Armenian phrenologist.

An Armenian phrenologist?

Yes, you know, a man who reads the bimps on your head.

The bimps? What? You said bimps? Yes, yes.

Have you ever heard of bimps?

I would guess that your best would make excellent reading.

Do you mind if I read your book?

Thank you.